How When and Where Were You Dumped?

SYBD: How, When and Where Were You Dumped?

How When and Where Were You Dumped?How, When and Where…

One of the best threads ever on SYBD’s old forum was the “How, When and Where Were You Dumped?” discussion. It was a long-running-thread where people told their personal stories of being deserted in random locations*: like supermarkets, planes, in cars, in bed, on the sofa, in restaurants, in car parks, in the bath tub – the list goes on and on…(*That’s when they were actually dumped in person).

So I decided to start the conversation here on the SYBD blog. Now the comments have exceeded 500. Not too bad. Or, well maybe it is, depending on how you look at it! 😉

Before we get to your stories – let’s look at some other factors at play, like fo instance, timing. Also, in this day and age, the methods used to end a relationship (NOTE: this has changed since we launched in 2000 – with the advent of new technologies and social media).

Breakup Timing

People the world over have been left at random times, such as, on their birthday, over the  holidays  such as the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s period, when pregnant, during their exams, on vacation, in the hospital, or on  the oh-so-beloved St Valentine’s Day.

Methods for Dumping

Over the years I’ve read stories where site members were dumped on over the phone, by text, by email, over instant messages, on Post-Its (yes even before Sex and the City ever wrote that into their story line, it was  on here on our forum,…) one  young girl was even dumped by her ex’s mother!

No ways are good ways but arguably one of the worst is…

Dissed by Disappearance

Some people don’t even get the courtesy of a “goodbye” from their former honey – the person just sort of, vanishes. Now called “ghosting”.

That is not a pleasant experience at all. It leaves the one being left with so many unanswered questions. I reckon it could be one of the worst ways of being left. I’m not sure. All ways sort of suck.

That forum thread, and now this blog post, serve as proof of how universally-bad people are when exiting their relationships. Gay, straight, young, old, across this entire globe of ours – it doesn’t seem to matter – we’ve seen people getting it all oh-so-wrong.

No Good Way to Say “Goodbye”

I’ve been dumped over the phone (trans-Atlantic call), in bed, and my husband dumped me face-to-face at the front door as soon as I’d walked in from work one Sunday night (when I had a friend visiting from Australia).

Priceless timing.

Personally, I’ve been on both sides of the dumping. I’ve learned there are no truly good ways to dump anyone. There are only less bad ways. Even I, who is arguably somewhat of an “expert” on this subject, haven’t always done it the “right” way (if there is such a thing).

In the past, I’ve said cheerio over the phone, in emails (once right before Valentine’s Day! Oops), and in person too.

So nope, the fact is when it comes to leaving – no one I’ve met yet is an “expert” at doing it well.

There is always an element of pain in any parting. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye, and why so many people get it so terribly wrong.

Wrong times. Wrong places. Wrong methods.

Share Your Story

So today’s blog post is for you – how when and where have YOU dumped or been dumped? Tell us your story.

It’d be good if you have some examples of how you or your ex got it “right” when saying “goodbye”.

Maybe there is something that can be learned from all these so-called “wrongs”.

Someday I’ll add it to my chapter on ‘Getting Goodbye Right’…

Thanks for your input lovelies! xo

If you want, if you have something to say to your ex, you can say it here now.

550 thought on “SYBD: How, When and Where Were You Dumped?”

  1. thea Post author is alive and kicking. The forum was closed but the site lives on with many exciting things / features on the horizon! Watch this space! Share a funny (or crazy) story if you have one – of dumping or being dumped. 🙂

  2. Lisa

    Was dating a guy at work for 3 years. He has now just disappeared. I know he still works here, but he won’t visit, talk to me, call, email..ect. No goodbye. I am very sad, and hurt. I miss him. I am trying my best to keep my head held high and not go to him. He knows where I am. My heart hurts.

  3. thea Post author

    Hon, I am so sorry to hear that. I send you a big {{ HUG }}. There was no clue he was pulling away? He just vanished? I don’t know what draws people (often but not always men) to just disappear. Vanishing acts, and I’ve had it happen myself before (with several different guys)…Ironically they all came back but were not good long term fits and thus are now just friends. So I think you’re doing it right – hold your head up high, keep busy, try not personalise this (it’s often about THEM and not us…and yet we always make it all about us). I know you miss him and damn it there is nothing I (or anyone else) can do or say to not make that be the case. We just have to feel our way out of that dark place – day by day. All I can say is that you WILL get through this…We do in spite of ourselves! Big hug to you. x

  4. Lisa

    thank you! yes, he started pulling away first. The worst thing is we work in the same building…
    Thank you for the hugs. Day by day…

  5. Holly

    Just this morning I was dumped by my boyfriend… Through a text message. I was just laying in my bed, listening to the lovely sound of rain, talking to him and being happy about life, when, just right out of the blue, “I’m breaking up with you.”

  6. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay in approving your comment. I’d read it as it came in. I feel for you. Hope you’re doing ok at the minute. It’s a roller coaster no doubt. Have you had any further discussion? Did he give any indication of what wasn’t working? Hope you’re doing ok for the moment. If you’re not, hang in there it ebbs and flows. You can really feel a bit schizophrenic in the early days of a split. Par for the course. xx

  7. Sara

    Like Lisa, I dated someone at work but only for a couple of months. Short time but it was an intense relationship. Everything seemed fine. He treated me as I’ve never been treated before–said things that led me to believe he was serious about me; alluded to future things we would do together; said he loved me.

    It was my first relationship after separating from my husband so it took a while for me to let my guard down and trust him (something he knew). We saw each other once or twice during the week and spent weekends together. We work at the same company but he’s in a different area of the building so we don’t see each other every day, but have coincided in common areas of the building. Well, today it’s been two weeks since I’ve seen or heard from him. The last communication was by text – a general “what’s up?” text.

    I responded and have not heard from him since. It has been devastating. I am shocked and can’t make sense of it. He never appeared to be the type who would just end it without talking about it. I cannot reconcile the guy I was with to the person who would do something like this. Throughout the relationship he would ask that I not hurt him and that he would never hurt me intentionally. I have not tried to contact him–perhaps out of pride, fear of rejection, not sure. Everyone tells me that I should not be the one to contact him. At this point I don’t plan to. If he really was interested in seeing me or ending things right he would have contacted me already.

    It’s very difficult at work to come across his name, hear about him, and at one point I saw him from a distance. I know time heals but working in the same place makes it difficult. I wish I could find another job. No one at work knew about us. I feel like a fool for believing in him. It’s hit me really hard. At times I feel stronger and that I’m better off without him but then I fall apart–again! Sorry about the length of this and if it doesn’t make any sense. I’m glad I found this website.

  8. thea Post author

    I am so sorry to hear your story. I am also sorry for the delay in APPROVING your comment. It’s not like me to take so long but I was in London for most of last week and been working flat out since I’ve come back. I kept meaning to reply to your comment but only just now have. Have you heard from him? I don’t get much of a “read” on this situation. Something has spooked him – I only wish he’d come out and tell what is going on in his head. It’s VERY NORMAL for guys to pull away as you start to get close – research “rubber band” by John Gray (from his Mars/Venus books). They often DO come back…but my only concern is if they’re onto some new…Then they don’t necessarily come back!

    I just wrote a blog about other people’s advice for you. I say – “do what works for you”. Your friends mean well but only you know him and you know you…and you need to do what’s right for YOU. No one else can tell you what you’re doing is WRONG it’s just their perspective and perspective is a mirror not a fact.

    When I had a case like yours (and a few guys have actually VANISHED on me in my time) – I’ve actually wrote the guys a THANK YOU LETTER. I thanked them for the time we had. I apologised for any of my short comings or bad behaviour and I wished them well. It’s not for everyone. Negative bitter people balk at such an idea but I for one operate from an attitude of gratitude…and think that every relationship is valuable to us in terms of teaching us things – especially the ones that end!! So be grateful for the time you spent, the love you made, the laughs you had, and accept that as much as you didn’t like the fact it ended, and especially the WAY it ended, it lasted as long as it was supposed it. Not a minute more or less. It’s sorta the case of “it is what it is”.

    Do what works for you. Listen to your gut. Continue No Contact if that’s what works for you. Reach out if that is what works for you. Speak your truth both to yourself and to him if you reach out…in a non-bitter/accusatory way of course.

    I know it’s raw and having to work together makes it compounded but you’re going to get through this and he is a total blessing no matter what the outcome is!

    Everything is always ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end 🙂 Or something like that.


  9. Lisa

    Sara, I am just reading your post, and Thea’s response. Thea, you are so good at this! Your advice to Sara means a lot to me too! Sara, good luck and I know the pain. It gets better and I agree that being positive is better for your health so try not to get bitter. If you see him in the halls at work, just smile and keep going….

  10. Ang

    Being that I am remarried, writing on here is probably not the best idea, but for the love of all that is holy, I need to get this out. These dreams are killing me… talking about moving backwards! So then I called him and we talked for 5 hours. what is wrong with me? I was making really good progress then all of a sudden, BAM, I am back there again, and not even sure I want to be out of it. I know I won’t get out of it until I want to so why don’t I want to? I hate myself for it… for WANTING to think about him in “that way” I am the one who ended it, but that was because he was pushing me away and wanted to “swing” and would rather use porn than be with me. Of course after all these years, he realizes the mistake he made, but what good does that do now? I am freaking out!

  11. thea Post author

    Bleuch! Set backs are bad enough – but they’re even worse when self-induced aren’t they? Not so much the dream as not sure we can help that (I get those plaguing dreams too!) – but the calling and chatting for 5 hours! Youch! (Been there too actually). I won’t say anything is “wrong” with you, you’re human like the rest of us, but it does sound like there’s some unresolved issues going on here. You say you’re remarried – but it sounds like maybe you’ve guys got some unfinished business there. Don’t forget you broke up for a reason. It’s probably not changed to be honest. So it is perhaps best giving the guy a wide berth for the time being. None of this stuff is easy. Don’t freak out, maybe continue to write it out. If not here then in a journal or something. Was there much time between these two relationships? Is it possibly a rebound thing? Sounds like you’ve got some sorting to do sista. You hang in there ok? Tx

  12. JYF

    I am sad…really sad…1.6 years ago I met a guy younger than me, we felt the same chemistry, and suddenly (after 13 years of marriage) I was there with another man!

    He had a 10 years relationship and he proposed his girlfriend!…He would get married on March 2010, but an earthquake put his plans on the floor…we kept on dating, it was a great relationship, we were happy, he connected with his essence and started a new life, he never thought to change his mind and I never asked him to do so!…

    he finally got married on June last year, he was not really happy nor in love!…a couple of weeks ago he confirmed it to me for the first time.

    On March this year my husband saw us at beach!…I did not give much explanations and I asked him to get separated. I was sure it was not because of my lover, but for me!!!

    This week I sent him a msm and his wife found it! And guess what…? he told her that I was the one running behind him to catch him!…I couldn’t believe it, I never said a thing to my husband, he did not know his name, what he does, nothing at all… I protected him!!!

    and at the first problem, he “puts me on the street, naked as the worst woman in the world”.

    His wife found the phone details from a year ago, and he insisted we were very good friends (because we work together) but I was the one who got confused…

    I don’t know what to do… I want revenge! I want to see him suffering!!!!

    Please help… please tell me something that makes me feel better!

    I haven’t talk to him… and of course he has not contacted me, not even to say I’m sorry!

    how can I make him feel bad????

  13. thea Post author

    Well you won’t like my advice I suspect but it’s to get your nose back in your own business. Work on yourself, your own healing path and your own future. Wasting even one moment’s time on revenge or making him “feel bad” is totally futile, unimportant, irrelevant.

    Stop worrying about what he says, thinks, feels, acts – etc and concentrate on your own thoughts, feelings and actions. You can’t control him, or anything to do with him.

    While revenge is a normal reaction to a situation we feel hard-done by, I truly suspect it won’t make you feel better in the long run. It wont win him back. it won’t make him think better of you (quite the opposite) and though you may feel a temporary sense of “ha ha, hee hee, serves you right” – being the one that inflicts any pain and suffering on someone else would only be a temporary reprieve from your own pain.

    What we put out comes bouncing back. There is hurt all around here – your ex, his partner, and even him (even if he’s not contacted you, he’s going through some painful stuff too!)

    Right now I suspect the best thing you can do is to just BE for now. Don’t get in touch. Use a journal to vent all you want to say to him. Keep it private.

    Your moods – for probably months to come – will be up and down like a roller coaster. One minute you’ll miss him, and the next minute be sooo angry at him, the next minute confused about the whole thing and a minute later wanting desperately to get in touch.

    For now though NO CONTACT is the way to go. None. No texts. No emails. No Facebook message. NOTHING.

    Channel all your energy into writing a song, a book, or painting, or anything you can do creatively to get the angst out.

    Do whatever you can to heal and move on. Walk away from this one.

    You both entered this in a dishonest way. That’s not really a good way to start a relationship. Is it?

    Instead of worrying about inflicting pain on him – why not worry about moving yourself away from your own pain and toward pleasure.

    Only a sociopath would derive PLEASURE from someone else’s pain. Are you a sociopath? Is that the person you want to be? If not, then concentrating on making different and better choices.

    Put the focus back on you and your life and the things you CAN change – work, home, who you choose to spend time with and what you choose to spend time doing. You can control nothing and no one else.

    You take care.

    Good luck.

  14. Nikita Gaddy

    Hello, my name is Nikita Gaddy and I’m 24 years old. I live in New Bern, NC and I’m a part-time college student and server. My dating history is kinda dismal, but on Decemeber 18, 2010 I met a young man (marine) and he was stationed at Camp Lejeune in Jacksonville, NC. We hit it off, we talked for almost two hours during the first phone conversation. A week later we went out and I committed the ultimate NONO (we had sex). After a few days we talked and we had another date planned. On Dec. 27 he had texted me saying his marine buddy was hurt overseas, a day later he texted me again saying: sorry he didn’t call, I’ll call you later. On dec.29 I called him to see if he was doing ok… BOY when shit hit the fan after that, he texted saying and I quote: LISTEN, I’m going through a rough time right now, I don’t feel like talking or dealing with people right now. I don’t want you to waste you attention on me when it won’t be returned. OUCH!!! I still felt a burn from that lol. I never felt so depressed in my life, I thought that I was going to die, plus it was new year’s eve. For months I wondered want did I do and IF he was really in the marines. Lesson learned BIG TIME. Out of sorrow comes triumph! I was offed the lifetime chance to intern for a U.S. senator in June after pondering things I can do to ease my pain. I thank God that I made it through that rough patch. I have NOT be in a relationship since… I’m taking time for myself to learn who I am. I know someday that I’ll have that special someone to share my life with, but for right NOW…. I having fun!!! god bless 🙂

  15. thea Post author

    I know his text came out HARSH (!) but really it’s to be commended because you could get out before investing too much in him. I suspect he did have a lot on and was probably not ready for anything with someone new. I know that if I not that ready for a relationship and I start to get close – I do start to panic. If I do I know I am not ready to proceed any further. So though he may not have handled it in a way any of us would like or condone – it was definitely for the proverbial “best”. It really was. You definitely are wise to take time out, regroup, proceed with your own hopes and dreams and trusting that the right fit will come along for you – when you’re both ready. That last one simply wasn’t.

    All too often we make that sort of thing about US but I suspect a lot more often than not it’s about THEM. He didn’t know you well enough to not like you.

    I had a classic date with a guy. I thought he was nice, interesting, attractive, and at the end he simply goes “Good luck with everything” – it was a total KISS OFF (you really had to be there to just “know” that’s what he was doing) but better that than stringing me along if he felt nothing and I just forced myself to not take it personally.

    No one likes everyone. No one feels chemistry with everyone. We sometimes get lucky and get it mutually but we need to go through a fair few toads to get to that prince/ss! You know? So your Marine – was simply a toad. The next one will hopefully be a better fit who shares your readiness for a lasting, loving relationship. Good luck! x

  16. kimmyberry


    it was may 2010 when me and my friend went to Stockholm Sweden for my internship..i never thought my life would turn upside down after my on-the-job-training.. we were so busy exploring the city, meeting new people and etc. a month later.. we organized this filipino party that commemorates independence day.

    it was 5th of June when the event took place. i met this guy who belongs to Filipino youth dance group. after that day, we hang out together with the other friends.. i knew he has a girlfriend.. so i was at least not minding him.. but one night we were sober and i know with myself i have a little crush on him. and i feel that its two-way. we kissed! i know it wasn’t right.. but as days passed by.. we started talking and talking. i told the guy to settle his issues first coz i don’t want to hurt anybody(he told me he and his gf were having a hard time already). i was surprised when i found out he broke up with his gf( i had thoughts.. i was guilty.. i feel like i pushed him to do that.. but i cant do anything coz i really like him.. )tho i know im just there for 3 mos.. 3 fucking mos. but i took the risk.. i made the most of it.. (my friends told me that if he can do that to his ex.. he can do that you as well..) but i didnt listen..

    2 mos of being physically together.. i fell inlove with this young lad. a week before i left.. 28th of july.. i agreed to become his gf.. we were so happy and inlove.. he was my 1st boyfriend and i guess first love.. i was so happy and forget everything.. i lived in a fairytale and believed itll last forever.. aug 4 i went back home. a month later or 2 mos..we were still okay.. we chat and talk on a video conference everyday.. i see him ..get to hear his voice and everything.. we write to each other..

    but all of a sudden on our fourth month and the succeeding mos.. he just changed.. little by little .. we never talked on msn anymore.. or he’ll just message me with “hi” on fb once a week.. that IS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS.. he made me look stupid..! I Believe that a girl wont make any drama if she thinks that everything is still okay.. but its not.. i literally cry everyday..(FB RUINS EVERYTHING’S..) he don’t write to me but when i logged in.. i see posts on his GIRL friends.. OVERFLOWING! then i once logged in to his fb and i caught him flirting with a girl(i already confronted him about it but he would just say.. SHE’S JUST A FRIEND) THAT’S SO FUCKING ANNOYING..!(he even told me.. “COZ WERE NOT FIGHTING.. AND YOU..YOU ALWAYS.. WHINE WHEN WERE TALKING..)OF COURSE YOU WOULDNT FIGHT.. COZ YOURE NOT COMMITTED! DUH! AND SHE DOESNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEMAND OR WHATEVER. he would say that im dramatic whenever i ask whats wrong .. why we are like this.. youre not the same anymore..!all i want is him.. the old him.. i really cant describe the pain he have caused me..!i wouldn’t make any drama if i think nothing is wrong..(what am i .. a freak?) wtf is wrong with this guy.. THEN he would still say that he loves me.. i was doomed and depressed so December 4th i fly to America to forget everything. we talked and agreed that we’ll cut our connection but would wait for each other till i get back the year after.. coz i cant take everything he’s doing..flirting (well he would say its not) talking with the other girls..IN MY FACE!

    January 8th. when i found out that he’s talking with his EX(the one he left..) again.. for I-D-K reason.. when i called him he said that.. WE WERE FINISHED.. already so i don’t have any right to mind his business anymore.. i nearly faint well i fainted coz i really cant breathe anymore and i was really crying.. because that’s not what we agreed.he admitted that its his fault.. BUT THE DAMAGE IS DONE.. i was so fucking depressed and hurt.

    ive come into a realization that it was the hardest part when me and him we’re still together but we dont talk.. because i know im still longing that he would come back and be the guy i met before.. but i was wrong.. he just dont have the balls to say it to my face.. or he was just scared he might regret of letting me go.. after our break up.. i never cried again.. bitterness was there.. i even planned of having a revenge. but as days passed by.. i get to learn new things.. things i wouldnt have learned if i stay committed to him. i know i wont ever forget him for he was my first boyfriend. but why would you settle for less.. than you deserve? enjoy life and eventually.. love will find you:) be happy with yourself coz GUYS LIKE HIM.. are miserable.. and karma would always knock ’em down .. so let the destiny bring everything into place:0

    p.s year 2011.. me and my family will migrate to sweden so im pretty sure.. we’re gonna see each other again.. i admit that i fucking dont know whats gonna happen.. but when that day comes.. i will make sure.. im wiser and stronger enough to face him and i know ive grown after what he has done and things i have learned during my “moving on” phase will surely helped me to face my stupid ex boyfriend.

  17. thea Post author

    Personally I am of the opinion that LDRs suck a the best of times.

    Yes, I think they *CAN* work, but really only when you have some established history before you’re thrust into a LD situation. If it’s only a short period of time then you’re apart.

    I am grateful for my 1st love/sex etc. It happened a long time ago – it didn’t end great to be honest – but I carry fond memories with me all these years later.

    We have to be grateful for all our experiences – the good and the less than. They shape us. He may not have handled it well, but he sounds like he did it how many young guys would / do (sadly).

    We all do the best we can with the skills and tools we’ve been given or acquired…as we grow and learn we do better.

    Forgive, heal and move on. I am glad you moved on from the pointless REVENGE thoughts. Like you I am a believer in KARMA. Always put good out – regardless. It will always come back – not necessarily from the original people we gave to though!

    Best wishes in Sweden.

  18. Moseph

    I met my ex on my birthday. My wish (as cheesy as it sounds) was to meet the one. So you can imagine where my self-diluted mind took me from there… but he played right into it. I moved out of my home with a roomate and was left to live with my parents. Not ideal for a 28 yr old. He offered to let me live at his sisters house. Being that the home was to big for just I, I was receptive to news from his sister that her friend would be living there too. I asked my bf who she was, since living with a complete stranger can be scary, and he confessed that he had slept with her. I was upset, the whole situation seemed sticky. I was mad because he knew she would be living there too and never mentioned it to me. I told him I wouldn’t feel comfortable living there with her since they had slept together right before he and I got together. So life continued and I was on the hunt for a home. During all this time he told me he wanted me to move with him when he was restationed (he’s in the navy reserves). So I overloaded my plate in order to graduate early to leave with him. The day I was suppose to move in with him we got into an argument because I didn’t embrace a friend of his at the bar (he took this as jealousy, I took at is I’m buying drinks right now and its an inopportune time to meet). He brokeup with me. My stuff was at his home so I went back to the house. I cried for hours on his front steps to his sister who insisted that he loved me and everything would be ok. I was shocked and in misbelief of what just happened, I had no clue we were heading towards a breakup. His sister calmed me down and told me to come in. We sat and talked for awhile longer and I decided it was time to go to bed. I headed to my ex’s room, he wasn’t there. I walked down stairs and heard a girl moaning. Low and behold it was the girl he had slept with before me and my ex getting her off. I knocked on the door (ok, pounded, not my finest hour) he answered, admitted he was doing something with her took my stuff and threw it outside and told me to leave. I left.

    The next day I was devestated and confused. We talked, he blamed it all on me at first but then went into guilt mode and cried and begged me back. I was so disgusted with him but he came to my parents house, held onto my mom and cried. I foolishly forgave him.

    I did my best to try to get over what had transpired the weekend before but it was hard. We did cuddle and even kiss and I felt ok with that. But then he left for that weekend to go to a weddying out of town (I was suppose to attend w/ him). I called to check on his drive and he just started screaming at me about having no respect calling in the middle of the night. But he had left at 9pm and would be driving all night so I found it appropriate. I was mad. I told him the next day I wouldn’t let him treat me like that. I asked him if he wanted to breakup.
    He said yes, I think I’m to selfish for anyone right now.

    I’ve gone through every emotion. Anger, resentment, sadness. I (did I mention I’m a fool?) have tried to reach out to him seeing how he is but have received no response.

    I think he got scared our lives were merging together to fast but I don’t feel that I deserved to be put through what I have been with him.

  19. Janie

    Well, I got dumped three days ago. By this guy I thought was my everything in life. We´d been together for 5 years. Of course we have our ups and downs but I really pictured me and our future with him. So did he. And guess what: after a 5 year long relationship, a new furnished apartment we bought together 3 months ago, 3 weeks before my masters thesis is due, he shuts me down completely. He bought me a trip for us to Paris in September this fall. Last week he got all these new ideas for our new apartment, he even bought new furniture and stuff one week ago! He told me he didn´t love me anymore, didn´t find me attractive, and that line that just hurts like hell: i don´t love you anymore… My friends tells me I´m better off without such a jerk anyway, but I really love him still.. and I just can´t believe this is happening. I feel betrayed. He actually looked into my eyes and told me he had lied. And he didn´t love me for the last couple of weeks, he said. 2 weeks!! God, I hate him so much right now. Such an asshole. and of course, I´ve been blaming myself, my behavior, my masters thesis.. basically everything. And now he is better than ever because I was so stupid telling him everyday how lucky I was and how handsome he was. I really hope I´ll get over him one day.

  20. thea Post author

    Sweetie I am so sorry to hear your tale of woe. You really WILL get over him one day. You will. I know it seems almost inconceivable but you will get through this. Sounds strange that his feelings just changed after moving in 3 months prior (mine happened when my ex and I bought a house about 5 weeks prior). You kinda thing – “gee if you had your doubts about us – why go through all this hassle of moving into a new place together?” But alas they do.

    Your ex isn’t a jerk, I don’t think, and your friend mean well by saying that but it really doesn’t happen. For whatever reason – his feelings for you changed just as my ex’s did for me. He got engaged 3 mos after we split and married someone else eight months later…Thankfully they’re together I am actually happy for them. Of course I wasn’t happy for them the first year or so after the split but I am happy now because it means he left me for his so-called Soul Mate and not a fling.

    Now I don’t know if there is someone else involved in your situation (kinda sounds like there is to be honest) but in any event things aren’t black and white. And he SAYS he doesn’t feel the same way anymore – etc – but that may or may not change once he is apart from you.

    He sounds confused to say the least.

    So yeah – stop blaming yourself. The blame game is pointless whether you’re blaming him or yourself. It just is what it is and no good comes from blaming someone else. Some of the stuff was your responsibility and some was his. It’s never one person’s sole fault.

    Were there things you could have done better? Were there ways you could have improved yourself? Probably but same goes for him!

    So please be gentle with yourself – especially with that SELF TALK it can be awful cruel sometimes…the mind takes the smallest thing and creates whole, epic stories, around it. Stories which are usually just that. Stories.

    Keep posting here and I’ll respond when I can. One thing I firmly believe is all break ups work out for the highest good of all concerned – at least eventually. They often force us to grow and learn the most.

    You may end up with him again – or someone even better – no one knows for sure but the best possible thing you can do for you is work on yourself, do the healing, do the work to grow and learn and turn this pain into some sort of gain. You can’t control anything else but your own REACTION to this experience.

    So keep on breathing. Write in a journal – all of your emotions – the highs and lows (and there will be both).

    You will get through. Promise you. That is if you really want to. x

  21. Melissa

    It has been two years since my break up. I am visiting this site not because I’m not over it–I have been in a healthy relationship with a new boy for over a year–but because I am currently reconsidering becoming friends with my ex.

    My ex and I met in college. He was my best friend after a bad break up with another guy. He was the sweetest guy I had ever met, with the bluest eyes I’d ever seen to match. He understood me. After a couple of months, our friendship progressed into something else entirely–a relationship.

    The relationship itself was great, and I fell in love with this guy–my first real love. Shortly after that happened, I was sent overseas for a few months ( I had planned a study abroad trip earlier that year).

    At first everything overseas seemed to be going well. We talked all the time, we told each other everything. Then I got an email one day essentially saying ” I can’t do this right now; I need to focus on school. You mean a lot to me and let’s be friends.” I was distraught, but I believed I could change his mind.

    So, I came back from my study abroad, and he was completely strange. He went back and forth from trying to be my best friend to ignoring me. He maintained that he just wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that he wanted to focus on his schoolwork.

    Finally, some of our mutual friends became to come talk to me. They all said they begged for him to tell me, but since he hadn’t, they would. They told me he was gay and while I was away, he had started seeing a guy.

    I didn’t believe them. I believed him, and it took me the longest time to accept this.

    He finally did, months later, tell me he was gay and say how sorry he was. Since then, we talk occasionally, but that is it.

    Since we were best friends before all of this, and because there is no chance of us getting back together or stirring up old feelings because of his sexuality, I have recently started toying with the idea of trying to be friends with him. I am at the point where I honestly miss nothing about him but our friendship.

  22. Alivia Rodriquez

    Nice story, a hyper link to your weblog was provided by Christian Dillstrom – the mobile + social media marketing virtuoso – so you must be doing a sweet job?

  23. Pingback: SYBD: We’re Eleven Now, How’d That Happen? |

  24. Anibal

    Was with my ex for 3 1/2yrs. Been together through my Marine Corps career and her schooling but, 4 weeks ago she dropped the “its not you, its me. I just need some space right now.” I knew it was a bs excuse, yet sadly I thought talking to her everyday would somewhat change her mind- big mistake i know.

    I found out last weekend she’s kissing some guy she really likes. I was even more devastated but, she swore it had stopped since she does not want a relationship or even a friends with benefits arrangement. It angers me she had the nerve to ask me to pick her up from her dorm to join my family and I at six flags for the weekend before telling me about her man, she even kissed me! She states that she did nothing wrong because she’s “single”.

    Today, 5days, later I find out she never called me last night because she was in his room making out with him. Shes only known this guy for 2 months. This really sucks because she swore she truly loved me, to just give her alone-time (she specified including no involvement with guys) yet her actions spoke otherwise. I was nothing but an exceptional boyfriend. Dealing with this has been the hardest task i have ever encountered.

    I told her i can never again be with her and she just keeps saying “if it’s meant to be, we will be together in the future.” I thanked her mother today because I have always been treated as part of the family, and told her it wasn’t an attempt to help me win her daughter back, I truly am thankful.

    She swore that she did not know about this guy, all her daughter told her was that she’s just needs some space right now. Her mother said she feels like kicking her ass for doing that to me, she really did always treat me like family. I’m moving on I feel I deserve so much better. It is hard for me to believe that after everything we have been through, she acts as if her feelings were never real and the guy she really likes had nothing to do with her decision to break up with me- yeah right. It makes me wonder if anything has been going on while i was away.

    At this point i want to tell her goodbye once and for all in a calm manner in person, because I will never allow myself to be in a relationship with her or even be friends ever again.

  25. thea Post author

    Hi hon.
    I am sorry to hear your story. I can appreciate you feel awful. You lost what was effectively (I’m assuming) your lover, best friend and confidante and a surrogate family as well. That is a heavy blow. It truly is. I would very much urge you not to say a thing to her. You say you will never want to be her friend again but honestly it’s early days. I guarantee your perspective will change when the feelings are less raw. Trust me 11 years of this has shone me that. Plus in my own experiences too! “Never say never or the universe will wind up making a liar out of you”. Truly.

    Get a break. Cut contact as much as humanly possible. She is single now, yes, she can do what (or who) she likes – as can you. In due course.

    I am guessing you’re both early twenties – if that. She is young, she’s growing, she’s learning, she’s trying people on which is what all young people should do. Yourself included.

    I am also guessing she did have feelings for you and on some level she will still have. It may be, as often is the case, she runs to “greener pastures” (someone new but will end up missing things about you!)

    Grass is seldom greener we only THINK it is at the time.

    Work on yourself – feeling good about you. Feeling whole again. Being the kind of guy the ladies will WANT to gravitate toward. Be fit. Be happy. Be healthy. Be charismatic. You’ll be just fine. Be grateful that you had your time together and trust it will all work out. As cliched as she sounded with her “if it’s meant to be” – she’s right. Despite your ADAMANT feelings to the contrary…you really do have NO CLUE what will happen for you (or her) in the future. Surrender for the ride and TRUST it’s working out for the highest good for BOTH OF YOU!

    Because it is. It really is.

    Hugs x

  26. bethany

    I dated a boy for 11 months, let’s call him G. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him, but our relationship became unhealthy and abusive on both parts because we were both dealing with untreated depression. We broke up over a year ago. It almost killed me then, literally I ended up in a mental hospital after trying to kill myself. After that we had an on again off again thing, fighting over the phone and hooking up whenever we saw each other during breaks from school, even though I had started dating another guy. I was happy with the way things were then, even though G and I weren’t together we were like best friends, and I just wanted him to be in my life.

    Everything was ok until after winter break, when he told me he couldn’t bear to be friends with me while I was with another man, and he didn’t talk to me for 6 months. That killed me too. I still thought about him every single day, so many times a day I couldn’t even keep track. Even though I loved my new boyfriend, it just wasn’t the same.

    I waited and waited, thinking eventually I would start thinking about him less but it never happened. I just started thinking about him more and more, until this morning I couldn’t bear it and I sent him an email asking him politely to return some things I had left at his apartment. It started out being very terse but civil, but it quickly disintegrated into a fight. I was just asking for him to be my friend, but he was very hurtful. I thought it was because he was jealous I was still dating the other guy, but then he told me that he has been seeing someone else for 2 months now. That crushed me. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not.

    I shouldn’t be upset because I’ve been dating my new boyfriend for longer than I dated G, but I just can’t stop thinking about him! The most recent fight ended at 5 AM this morning with him deleting me from facebook and saying he will never talk to me again…… I know it is such a messed up unhealthy relationship and there is absolutely no hope for us being together but I CAN’T STOP LOVING HIM!!! When I think about him and what we used to have I can’t stop myself from crying. We have been apart for longer than we were ever together, so shouldn’t I be able to move on by now? I even have a new boyfriend who I love in a normal, healthy way! Whenever I’m with my new boyfriend, I never think about G. But whenever my new boyfriend isn’t around, I hardly ever think about him and all I think about is G. I don’t know how to get over him and get closure. I still love him so much and it hurts to know that we can never be together, but I need him in my life somehow, even if it’s in the tiniest way. Now I am literally cut off from him and it hurts so badly.

    Even though I have accepted that we weren’t meant to be together because we would end up killing each other, I absolutely cannot bear the thought of going the rest of my life without being able to talk to him or see him or touch him or smell him. I can’t explain my feelings towards him it seems like they are stronger than regular romantic love I feel like he is a part of me, like he somehow laid an egg inside me and a little part of him lives inside of it and I will never ever be able to forget him or stop loving him. I wish I could and I really hope that I can someday, but right now it feels like I can’t. I know how stupid this sounds and if I heard anyone else saying this I would tell them to get a grip and get over it already but I honestly just don’t know what to do. I hadn’t seen him or heard a single word from him in over 7 months, until this morning. And now I don’t know if I will ever talk to him again. It feels like he just dumped me for the first time all over again. The thing that is really killing me is the thought that he is out there in the world somewhere hating me. The thought of him hating me makes me want to die. I really hope that he didn’t mean all those terrible things he said and that he still loves or at least cares about me a little bit because me because I just can’t bear to think otherwise. Does anyone have any advice? I just want to move on I’m so tired of missing him.

  27. Janie

    My boyfriend of two and a half years just dumped me over the phone. Not because he doesn’t love me any more, or because he had a fight (in fact, our first fight was when he dumped me).

    He dumped me because we’re living three hours away from each other (by car), and seeing me 3-4 times a month apparently isn’t enough. He said he feels empty when I’m not around.

    Well I’m sure that that will get better for him when I’m not around at all.

    I just wish he had the decency to do it to my face. Breaking up a long term relationship by phone is just plain cowardly.

  28. thea Post author

    yes advice is GET A GRIP. It’s raw this moment, yes, but definitely a bit overly dramatic. There is absolutely NO PROOF what-so-ever that 1) you won’t see him & be friends again or that 2) he hates you.

    I think in 1’s case – you probably will be able to be friends and you should STOP trying to love him and just let things flow. If it’s real love – and let’s face it in 11 years of SYBD I’ve seen few examples of REAL LOVE (it’s mostly romantic love which is conditional “I love YOU if you love ME”) then you keep on loving the person whether they are in your life or not. As for 2 – he may be hurt but he most definitely doesn’t hate you.

    You’re hurt. He’s hurt. He will always care for you on some level as will you will for him.

    Frankly it doesn’t sound like EITHER of you should be dating ANYONE right now as you don’t seem to have healed from this process at all. Sounds like you went mega rebounding into something – no matter how “sane” or healthy it is/was. But your own words, the way you describe it are very telling…You enjoy being him – he’s a distraction – but when he’s not around you think of the other one!!

    Youch imagine your current guy was like that about his EX.

    I actually went through something fairly similar to what you’re describing. A volatile break. I knew full well we weren’t right for each other long term…but it still hurt like hell!

    I made a conscious choice to work through the many facets of the split, my emotions, anger, hurt, disappointment (and I was the one who ended it) before attempting to date anyone else. It wasn’t an easy road but I wanted to be fair on any Mr New that I wasn’t harboring lingering feelings for Mr Old.

    Keep breathing. Trust me on you have NO IDEA where this path is taking you. You may end up with current guy, the ole ex or someone else new. But after a spell – even in the harshest of splits I ended up friends with the guys.

    Just give it time. He really doesn’t hate you – nor do you him. It’s just raw and confusing and it takes time for the emotions to die down, have the dust settle, and even though you feel like you’ll care this STRONGLY forever – it’s unlikely it will hold the same emotion on down the road. It’s mostly a fantasy the mind creates.

    There’s a scene in Eat Pray Love where the Julia Roberts character is whining how she misses her ex.

    Her Texan buddy basically says “So miss him. Every time you think of him, send him light and love and let it go”.

    That’s what I had to do and I recommend you do it too.

    You’ve not been dumped again. You have a boyfriend.

    Don’t let the mind use words like “crushed”. You’re not crushed. It’s sore, I know, and it can FEEL like you have been dumped again but the reality is you haven’t.

    The relationship is just going through a state of flux. They tend to ebb and flow.

    If you really do want to be friends in time, you will be. But just give it time.


  29. thea Post author

    LOL no Janie, not your story was it 🙂 I hadn’t got to yours yet! Bless. In fact, I just got to Leon who wrote several DAYS ago.

    Anyway as to yours…I am not sure what I can say. I’m sorry. It’s a bummer to lose someone no matter how long or in what way it ended. I see you calling it “cowardly” ending over the phone – that’s of course your prerogative). You say you would have wanted it ended face to face? How would that actually be better. Not being snide here. Just curious why you think it would be more “decency” to end it that way? He’d see your hurt. Yes. I am sure he knows how hurt you are regardless. The outcome, hon, is inevitably the same. You know?

    I’ve ended things over the phone when I wasn’t seeing the person much. And with hours between you – it doesn’t seem hugely bad to me. Again you choose to view it however you want, and it’s early days yet, so your perspective might change in due course. As time goes on – I personally feel it matters less how it was done. I start, as early as possible, to find a way to spin ANYTHING in the most positive light.

    Starting with an attitude of gratitude. Be grateful you had time together. You must have had fun in that time? Some good meals, movies, sex, trips, etc? Take that away with you.

    Be grateful he didn’t send a text saying “cheerio luv. summers over and so are we” or something. 🙂

    Be glad he did have the courtesy to end it. I’ve had guys just DISAPPEAR on me and that sucks, let me tell you,…

    Guys, in my past, have ignored calls and texts and just went AWOL – no explanation! And man I’d be mad for a while – but then eventually I just let the crap go and even became friends with them…or at least “friendly”.

    No one’s very good at splitting up, sadly.

    It sounds a little like he’s developed an interest in someone local? That often happens in cases like this. Better he ends it, even over the phone, than cheats? Right?

    None of this helpful to you now when you’re raw. I know. Read this post again in a few months though 🙂

    My intentions are good 🙂


  30. Tammy

    Oh I wasn’t dumped just once by this guy, it was more like 8-9 times. The first was for 4mths, I broke it off with new guy for him. Then it was a series of breakups with it being 1-2wks each time. Finally, after 6mths of no breakups, I was beginning to hope it’d work out. Who cares that he was a bit distant…yeah…stopped by his work to give him a kiss (he encouraged it) and found him answering an ad online for a b.j. in the affirmative. Not only did he jump to the ceiling in suprise, click/close it, he then came for his kiss while pretending it away. When I asked him about the email…he shrugged his shoulder and went back to work. Not a word/peep since from him. I’ve since learned that sociopaths are like that. Use and use, until you run dry/or they’re bored. Yes, apparently they cheat too. I could go on, but I won’t…suffice to say ~~I was so hurt, but now I feel encouraged by the fact that it really was him, and not me. *whew*

    (oh the relationship was almost 3yrs)

  31. David

    I’ve got 2 but I’ll start with the most recent one. I was 7 months off of a 23 year marriage when I started dating M. She was 3 years off of a 18 year marriage. Within a couple months we were expressing our love for one another. A few months into the relationship she told me she felt I drank too much. Since my exwife is an alcoholic I took her words to heart and we saw a couples counselor. I agreed to moderate my drinking and she to let me know if she had any concerns. I did indeed cut way back. I lost about 10 pounds and when I was with her I only drank when she did. And I never heard about the issue again.
    Then 6 months later, 3 days before Christmas, she tells me over the phone she still felt I drank too much and never. When I asked for specifics she made things up-like I drank before noon which I never do. I was so shocked I couldn’t even respond. I contacted her via email and mail several times later but she’s never responded. I felt so let down that she never once complimented me on what I did for her but felt so angry she dumped me for actions I never did. 8 months later I’m still upset.

  32. sean vinten

    ive just been dumped 3 weeks ago after being 2gether 24 years .i didnt even see it coming an she is still the love of my life as we met young ,i just need to no if ill ever be able to love any1 like i still love my wife ,i cant imagine ever finding some1 as special as she is to me x i no she dont want me as shes told me she dont love me any more , im so down ive even took 32 tablets in 1 go last week an it just sent me to sleep an then i woke up as normall,i wont do that again as i got my daughter living with me ,but i just cant stop lovein my wife an i keep breaking down , will i get over her an how long ? please tell me thanks

  33. thea Post author

    Wow S I am sorry to hear your story. I really am. 3 Weeks after 24 years…of course you’re in pain, miss her, love her and can’t imagine a life without her. That’s likely to be the way it is for a while yet. But strangely so, in the past week or two I’ve been talking to a lot of people who’ve split around the 25-year mark. I can barely fathom it but all of them have been moving on and one or two are in love in new relationships now! It’s heartening to see that love does go on – often in spite of ourselves!

    As painful as this is, if you want to heal, be healthy and happy again you will do. The only people who don’t get over things like this are people who choose to remain victims and refuse to move on. They do nothing for themselves. As you say you have a daughter to be there for. Speaking as one myself, I am sure glad my dad kept going after my parents split and my dad means more to me than anyone in the world….

    So with her as your inspiration – do what it takes to bounce back from this. Focus on work, on eating right, sleeping right, making friends (re-connecting with people you’ve let slide out of your life), exercising, meditating, traveling, writing (or any creative outlet you have…music, drawing, dancing, singing, acting – whatever), and reading. Read stuff to inspire you to overcome this painful ordeal. Surf YouTube for inspiration and guidance. Along with all the insipid singing cats and dancing babies there are amazing videos by inspirational people – I myself find ones about goal setting, creative visualization, meditating, positive thinking, healing, growing, etc.

    I often recommend people watch Byron Katie videos on there too. I don’t think anyone has changed my thinking in life more than that lady has! Of course, her stuff may not be to everyone’s tastes, I get that, but there is bound to be someone that helps you out there if not her.

    Really a lot of what causes us pain is simply our thoughts, which are often erroneous. The pain we feel is believing them and the problem is that our minds create all kinds of stories about ourselves and our exes.

    So I will tell you right now – after 11 years – I’ve seen people split up after 3 months, 3 years and 30 years and everyone gets over it who wants to so I have every faith in the world you will too – if you want to that is.

    Don’t try to stop loving you wife but do try to start loving yourself. That’s the real challenge. Hear if you need a sounding board.
    Welcome x

  34. SL

    This guy i work with flirted with me and was showing strong interest. Being very sweet and such. We were inseparable at work. That was about one year ago. We went out few times, then had sex. Afterwards, he was still cool and cute with me until i felt unsure and gave him cold shoulder. After that he was avoiding me. Then i froze and basically expressed how much i liked him. He acted all annoyed, pulled away, and even gave me attitude. I was broken. I went away for 3 months but did initiate contact again by wishing him a happy new year. After that, he emailed me a few times asking how i am. Then surprised me with a message wishing me a happy valentines day. When i returned 4 months later, he was happy to see me but never made the first move. I joked around and finally we went to dinner. Since then we would see each other from time to time. Sex is always great. But there’s just no commitment or strong desire on his part wanting to be with me or to see me all the time. Each time I see him. I get so happy cuz seemingly we were interacting better. He was treating better, less of the “pushing me away” on his part. But soon the happy feeling fades and turns into insecurity and anxiety. So in one way we are getting more comfortable with each other… but another, still no defined anything.

    I love this man very much – everything about him, except the way he treats me. A lot of times, things he says, does, and shares are eerily like my interests, likes, and goals/dreams in life. I broke down and told him about 2 wks ago how much I love him. This time around he didn’t act nasty. He calmly told me that he is afraid to hurt me, hence the reason he has been keeping his distance. Because he sees no future in this. His parents will never allow him to be with me (him = Indian from India, me = Chinese American). He said he tried to hint at me how his parents are setting him up with girls to marry (but as i recall long ago when i sensed his interest, i asked if he has to marry a brown girl his parents chose, he said no at that time). Of all people in the world, he said he loves his parents the most. He said he dares not disobey or hurt them. He says he already knows that I love him, so now he feels the need to tell me. I broke down and sobbed in his arms. He held onto me tightly all night saying that he thinks i am perfect and that he feels lucky to be loved but this is just not possible and that he feels sorry for me. I told him everything he said is beside the point. The point is that he doesnt love me. He then said that he cares about me and that he is still here as my friend, but he doesn’t wanna say anything that would give me any hope, so “technically” (he said) he does not love me.

    I still love this man very very much. I would’ve given up everything to be with him. I would care for his parents as my own. I would love him more than his arranged wife. I feel that maybe he used his parents as an excuse and hid behind his culture. I feel from deep within that he is the one for me – a lot of eerie coincidences and similarities made me believe so. And the feeling I have when I am with him. With him, I wanna be a better person, better student, better physician, and I am not afraid of anything in life. I feel so much pain knowing that i met him with all things happened yet i am not to have him in my life.

    What can I do? I don’t want to give up. Love is not enough?

  35. thea Post author

    I am sorry. It sucks when you get along well, the chemistry is there, some similarities and interests are there but that there is some other reason pulling you apart. Family, religion, culture – whatever. I wish I had the answer for you. This site was inspired by someone who was pretty staunch Catholic, and I’m um, not. There would be no way he’d marry anyone not Catholic. I didn’t even know he was religious until the ENDED it. I pined over him far too long and in many ways WASTED 2 years of my life – being “buds” with him (at least via email etc). Our being in contact meant that I was still in a “relationship” with him long after he was gone from my physical life. It tied me to him.

    I think it’s time to back off as much as possible, heal, get back on your own path and trust it will unfold divinely. If you are “meant” to be with him on down the road – he knows right where you are. Give yourself space to heal before trying to be his friend. He said he doesn’t feel the same, in many ways, as painful as it is, it’s BETTER that way and I urge you to believe him.

    He certainly loves and cares for you on some level but not the level your totally committed sweetheart should do.

    You will have other people you connect with and hopefully ones who don’t have the cultural hang ups this one did have.

    Bear in mind none of us ever knows where the path is taking us.

    I suggest you be that better person / student / physician et al – yourself for you and no one else. People ebb and flow from our lives – placing too much reliance on any person or thing outside ourselves is a dangerous place to put. Do it for you.

    You hang in there hon. I know EXACTLY how you feel and it sucks but I promise you the best is yet to come. 11 years of running this site has taught me that much. If you want to heal, love, be happy again – and you make that be your goal…you will do it. You will. OK?

    Take care, x

  36. 'Stina

    Hi, thanks for this site!

    This one wasn’t a long one, but it still hurts. I got the disappearing act. We were supposed to get together for my birthday but he didn’t follow through. Or ever call again. We dated for about a month and he started telling me he didn’t know how available he was, time-wise, for a relationship as he’d broken off an engagement three months prior. He needed time to himself to get things done he’d neglected. I asked if he was over it emotionally and he said he didn’t know. He mentioned her numerous times in various contexts but none saying he was pining for her. I of course didn’t really like it. We had a talk about how to move forward given his time needs and I agreed to check it out a bit more thinking that time was on our side and I could try to stay only lightly invested. Thankfully we didn’t have sex but we were physically close and I slept over once.

    The denouement is that he spent a week at the site of his planned destination wedding as his parents had bought non-refundable tickets and invited him along. Before he left, I felt like things were a little crowded with him going there plus I didn’t want him to feel pressure (he wanted a “light” relationship after all) so I de-pressurized the situation by saying we didn’t have to get together when he got back. He said he “definitely” wanted to see me and we started making plans for my birthday. While on his trip, he didn’t get in touch as he’d volunteered that he would, nor right away when he got back. Finally I texted him about what our plans were for the day we’d set our sights on, and he left a voice mail saying he was “in a funk” after being there and maybe we could go out later in the week. I returned his call but he never called back. I had really wanted to see if we could put this on ice for a few weeks or even a couple of months but now that’s not possible because we’re out of contact. A few weeks afterward, I sent him a simple email that I reviewed with a couple of friends before sending simply saying that I hoped he was doing all right and “it’d be nice to hear from (him).” Nothing.

    I could chalk this up to bad timing, but in my head I’m reviewing all the things I wish I’d said and done differently throughout our dates and punishing myself as if I caused him to not find me valuable enough to even call. I’ve been feeling ashamed of things I did that weren’t perfect, and even worthless because I don’t have him. I know this reaction, beyond simple disappointment and hurt that he didn’t get give me the respect of getting in touch, is about my own feelings about myself (fear I’m unlovable, anxiety, shaky self-esteem). I’m working with a therapist which is helping.

    By the way, I do feel that someone who would treat someone else this way, e.g., not even getting in touch, is either too weak or too inconsiderate to be a match for me. This helps quite a bit. Unless he’s on suicide watch, there’s no good reason that’s good enough. Even if he got back together with his ex (a thought I don’t enjoy).

    Any words of encouragement? I’m finding it hard to shake the bad feelings.


  37. thea Post author

    I tend to have a rule to not date anyone until they are at least a year out of a relationship now for this very reason. I suspect all of this has little to do with you but then I was on those dates where you wished you’d have done things different. When I first launched this site I’d have been all angry and upset on your behalf but after several “vanishing acts” – my whole view has changed. Whereby once I viewed it like you “there’s no good reason that’s good enough” now I have a much more Zen like view. That’s all just ego stuff anyway…You are fine. He is fine. We all just doing the best we can with the skills and tools we’ve been given or acquired along the way. Yes it’s disappointing. I had a guy disappear on me within a week of my birthday. He’d done the vanishing act on me a few times, I guess I should be grateful he didn’t do so ON or right before this particular birthday but he did within a day or two after. Do you know each time the guys have done the vanishing act – they’ve come back in one way or another. It’s way more common than I ever realised.

    And I can actually understand your guy’s need to pull away. Yes it can be deemed rude, but I would just keep affirming “this is not about me”. Because honestly I don’t think it has anything to do with YOU. It has to do with him dating too soon, and yes he’s clearly got some feelings for his ex, how could he not after 3 mos or 6 mos or whatever? Then to have to go back to face the place where it was to happen? Bleuch.

    I suspect you’ve not heard the last from him but he may never be the one for you even if he does get back in touch. Now he probably feels like a heel and so the longer it goes without being in contact the harder it gets to make contact, you know?

    Be happy for the month you had. Don’t make this insecurity a life choice. There are gonna be people who love you in your life and people who loathe you and you’ve got no control over either. Trust that it all works out in the end. Because it does. If not with him then with someone who’s a better fit with more staying power.

    Seriously when a guy (or a woman) pulls away like this – the best thing you can do is let them go and resist all attempts to pull them back in. It’s what John Gray calls the Rubber Band. Google that. It’s very common (as painful as it is). Just keep reminding yourself it’s not about you.

    And if there are things you wished you’d have done differently than work on those for the next time. Maybe he is back with his ex. I’ve had that happen too and it kinda bites…but if that’s the case and you really do care about this guy then you want him to be happy wherever he is and whoever he is with. If not then it’s not real love. So take on board what’s said in Eat Pray Love…when, we’ll take the movie here, Julia Roberts whines to her Texan friend “But I miss him” the Tex goes “so miss him. Every time you think of him send him light and love and let it go”.

    That’s a REALLY hard thing to do when you’re feeling like you are but honestly it’s my best advice. Keep practicing til you actually mean it. I’ve had to do with someone I dated for several years, and who took up with someone else within DAYS of us finally splitting. OUCH! Our egos hate crap like that, they really do…but I kept on telling it until it was true!

    You’re OK hon. This stuff happens to everyone. It was only a month. You didn’t sleep together. Be grateful for the experience and that it didn’t happen before YOUR wedding to the guy. See there are positives here 🙂

    Take care x

  38. Mari

    I was in a relationship with a man for 12 years. 10 of those years he was married. He pursued me telling me he had to be near me. We worked together and were very good friends for 10 years prior. I gave in to my heart and became involved with him, eventually falling in love very deeply. I realize now I allowed myself to be controlled living my life around his. His wife passed away in the 10th year of the relationship. He would tell me things that led me to believe our lives would go in a different direction prior to her death. Once she died he began to say things like “I can’t commit to anyone”, “I don’t deserve another good woman”. “I only see myself in short term relationships”. Then he started to not call as much, not want to see me as much. Acting as if I was invading his privacy or trying to control him. I admit it caused a whole personality change in me. I became clingy, calling him frequently, asking where he was. I was trying to figure out what was going on. Then he told me he had met a woman who called him because her mother was dying. He claimed the time spent with her was humanitarian. Helping her cope. Next thing I knew he was telling me he was no longer attracted to me but he was very much to her. That she was a good woman and he had to follow his feelings. He cut off all contact with me as if I never existed. He quickly began sleeping at her house and it’s been two years and the hurt is still fresh everytime I see them together. I still drive by and it destroys me to see his car there! I know I need to get past this to get on with my life but despite counseling it won’t stop hurting. I replay the hurtful things he said as well as the good memories of our time spent together and images of them together. I should say during the time when his wife was ill and dying he admitted to me after the fact that he had slept with someone he met in the hospital his wife was in. He said he was exhausted and grief stricken and it just happened. Am I so blinded by all this that I can’t see him for what he is? I never would have imagined in all the years I’ve known him that he would do these things! Your advice would really be appreciated for I continue to beat myself up thinking I wasn’t attractive enough or good enough that he felt he needed to get away from me. I have seen him several times lately at public functions and he does not stay. He has been alone at these times and does speak to me as I do him but he appears very anxious to be around me which also makes me feel as if he just can’t stand to be around me. Your opinion is appreciated.

  39. thea Post author

    Really my opinion or anyone else’s shouldn’t matter. It’s your opinion of you and the situation that does. But since you’ve asked I’ll comment. My first thought is you need to forgive him, but more importantly forgive yourself. I think we’re two years down the road now and it’s time to let it go and move on. Find all those things you are grateful for about the situation. It suited you or you’d not have put up with it for a dozen years.

    >> He would tell me things that led me to believe our lives would go in a different direction prior to her death.

    And you know what – I feel pretty confident when he said those things, he meant them. But the fact is NO ONE can know how they’d feel in a situation like that. Not him, not you, not me, not anyone. So why not take it that he meant it as he said them but that things change. Perspectives change. Feelings change.

    Our greatest folly in life, in my opinion is expecting anything to stay the same. How can they when we are always changing, growing, evolving.

    If you really love this guy – you’d want him to be happy. Real love is not conditional “I will only love you if you love me back”. If it’s real love you want the best for them no matter what, even if it means it’s with someone else. The problem is that most of us call something “love” that is either lust or it’s conditional love. It’s romantic love. It’s not true love.

    So of course you clung when he pulled away that’s often our first reflex to do so. Forgive yourself.

    Stop the drive bys. Stop playing the mental movies in your head.

    Start living again.

    You had no choice of him ending it but the last few years you’ve been in the driver’s seat and you’re letting some guy drive you slowly MAD.

    Take the wheel back. Start making a plan of your own that doesn’t revolve around some man who’s not even in your life any more.

    >> Am I so blinded by all this that I can’t see him for what he is? I never would have imagined in all the years I’ve known him that he would do these things!

    He’s human like you honey. Flawed like you. We are all mirrors of each other. I bet you never thought YOU would end up in a 10 year affair with a man whose wife was dying? I mean really.

    It’s time to put the baggage down and walk away from the scene of the crime, so to speak. Take a new route to work or home. Take a trip away from all of this. Start setting some goals. Work out what is you want in your life. Stop wasting time with the instant replays of yesterday. You can’t burn yesterday’s ashes. All you have is this moment. And what you do right now will determine how happy or unhappy you are in your future.

    None of us is perfect. Forgive. Heal and move on. It’s no longer HIM hurting you it’s YOU hurting you. Stop punishing yourself and let go.

    Trust everything is unfolding divinely. There’s no room in life for REGRETS. All our actions shape us. They make us become the people we are. You can’t change your past only your present. The question is are you going to do that?

    None of this has anything to do with you, how attractive or unattractive you are. Your error is believe it does. If he acts cold or like you don’t exist it’s because you’re a painful reminder of painful time in his life. He probably feels guilty. He doesn’t know how to act or what to say. It is likely that he it’s not that he doesn’t care but that he does.

    But the thing is you have no control over him, what he thinks, feels, says, does, etc. Get your nose back into your own business. Work out what you want in your life and actively begin creating it. Channel all that energy into a better life FOR YOU. That’s all you can do.

    Well the alternative is you sit around, feeling sorry for yourself, blaming your misery on him/her, play the mental movies til the cows come home and waste your life away. End up bitter, hurt, sad ole spinster lady.

    Choice is 100% down to you my dear.

    What are you going to do?

  40. Mari

    Thank you for your insight. I appreciate your candor. It’s good to have the opinion of someone who is totally neutral to the situation.

  41. Leslie

    I was with a guy for 14 months. I have only had 2 serious relationships in my life. Before he came along, I was happy being single. We were going to be FWB’s, but he kept pressuring me to pursue an actual relationship. I did feel attracted to him, so I finally agreed. I trusted him totally and completely. From the beginning, I told him that the last relationship I had was so incredibly painful, my heart just couldn’t handle going through that again, so if he didn’t meant what he said, to say so because I didn’t want to pursue a relationship and end up hurt all over again.

    He promised me he would never hurt me. There were a lot of things that made him not a very good match for me. I’m pretty smart and he has no interest in learning. When it comes to politics, he is one of those ignorant people that just parrots what his favorite news network says and never stops to think about issues deeply. I am just the opposite. He says racist comments, which is a serious pet peeve of mine. He is a very negative person and complains a lot. He criticizes people everywhere we would go. I am an optimistic person that enjoys people and likes to look for the good in a person. He does volunteer work, but is very attention-seeking about it…he does it so people he respects will give him attention…not because he actually enjoys the volunteer work. I do volunteer work just for the joy of seeing another person happy. We were so different on every level.

    But, I loved him. I loved him totally and completely, and I tolerated his flaws and let him be who he chose to be.

    Over the summer, I noticed he was using a lot more cell phone minutes on our phone plan than he used…a LOT more minutes. I became suspicious that he was talking with another girl because I couldn’t think of anything else he’d spend so many minutes doing on the phone. He made up an excuse. I considered checking on our bill to see if it was the same number, or lots of different numbers that he claimed. But, I didn’t want to be “that girl” who checks on her boyfriend to make sure he’s not cheating on her.

    We were going to move in together. He even went to look at apartments with me. I was working an extra shift at work each week to help with the money to move.

    What actually happened is that he was cheating on me all summer. He said we were moving in together so that I’d work those extra shift, so he’d have more time to spend with the woman he was cheating on me with. The minutes were indeed just to one number…8-hour phone conversations that lasted all night long and calls 15 or more times a day to or from that number. I didn’t know about this until after he dumped me.

    I went out of town to visit my best friend. While there, I found out I was pregnant. I was absolutely terrified. 2 days after that, he sent me a message on Facebook saying he was breaking up with me and never wanted to hear from me again. He blocked me on Facebook and gave no other explanation.

    He lives with his mother, so I called and called the house until he would speak to me. He finally told me that this happens with every relationship he has. He lied to me about the number of relationships he has had when he first started dating. He made it sound like it was only a few. It has actually been a very large number of women. He doesn’t like the requirements that a serious relationship involves, so he dates girls only until it starts requiring things of him and then, he moves on. He never intends to be with someone long term, even though he lied to me from the beginning and said he did, even after I told him it wasn’t in my heart to go through something like this again.

    What he does is finds a girl and dates her so he isn’t lonely. When it starts to turn serious, like an actuall commitment (marriage, moving in, etc.), he starts looking for someone else behind her back. When he finds someone else, he builds that and develops that and as soon as it’s set, he dumps the first girl. I didn’t know it, but he did this with me, too…he broke up with a girl weeks after he started dating me. I was sick to my stomach to hear this.

    Through the entire explanation, there was no remorse, there was no emotion. He genuinely didn’t care that he had done something so hurtful to me.

    He has done nothing to help me with the pregnancy. He has left me to pay all of the bills. He made it clear he wants nothing to do with it. I told him I at least expected him to pay child support, and he said I should just get an abortion. I could never get an abortion. I understand it’s the better choice for some people to make, but for me, I could never live with that. It’s not the right choice for me.

    I guess what hurts is the most is just that he so doesn’t care about how badly he hurt me. He knew he’d hurt me from the beginning and went ahead and proceeded with everything. He isn’t bothered by what he has done. It just doesn’t matter to him. and now, he’s doing it to some other girl. I found out through mutual friends that he did tell her about me when they first met and said he broke up with me because I didn’t want him doing volunteer work because I wanted him to spend more time with me. That is completely untrue and he knows it. I encouraged him to do the volunteer work. I have never required a lot of time from him at all. He told her we’d had several discussions about it and I was unwilling to compromise. We never had any sort of discussion over an issue like that…not a single time…because it wasn’t even an issue in the first place. He’s going to do the same thing to her. He’s already lying to her about his prior relationships just like he lied to me.

    It’s not even so much that we broke up…it’s just the immense sense of betrayal I feel that he lied to me the entire time. I loved him so deeply, but the whole time he was taking advantage of me. I feel so used and betrayed. And he isn’t bothered in the slightest by it. He’s just like, “Oh well.”

    I don’t know how I can ever trust someone ever again. And while I was happy and fine being single and alone before, now, I’m not. I don’t want to not have someone, but I also can’t step out and be with someone else because I am just too hurt.

    I’m probably about to have a miscarriage, the way things are looking and I am further devastated. And now, I want to have a baby because being pregnant has made me want a baby.

    But, I’m not healthy enough to have a relationship. I’m 35, so I don’t have a lot of time left to have a baby. So, I worry I will always feel this longing. When before him, I was completely fine not having these things. He just created so much pain in my life and just left me like I have the same value as a piece of trash.

    The really crazy thing is…I still love him. I wish there was a button we could push that would turn that part of our hearts off toward a person once our brains realize what a horrible person he is.

    I don’t know what to do or how to move forward.

  42. thea Post author

    Oh my that is one sorry tale isn’t it? I am so sorry for the pain you’re currently experiencing. I can imagine it feels like it will never end or get better. I totally get that. I feel that pain, hurt, confusion, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, all of it…I do.

    Ok so my first thought is that I suspect when he said he wouldn’t hurt you he meant it. It sounds a little sociopath like some of this story…but let’s leave labels to the side for now.

    I suspect IN SPITE OF how he told you his talk of his romantic history he does have some remorse and does care. He may not SHOW it but again unless he’s a total social path he’s probably just stuffing it way down. Sweeps it under the carpet but eventually all of this will blow up in his face. It really will. You probably haven’t heard the last of him.

    So you sound like a nice, level headed caring sort of person. You now realise you want a baby and that’s good to know. If it turns out now is not the right time then it will happen when it is.

    We really need to be careful and aware of the words and phrases we use. When we say things like “I don’t ever want to go through this pain again” we create more of the same. A long long time ago before the love of my life left I said “If this ends I don’t want another relationship again” then I went about creating that as a LIFE CHOICE. It takes a while to reprogram things like that.

    No one in the world should EVER say “I’ll never hurt you”. There is no way anyone can know that they will or won’t – not really. Life changes, we change, feelings change, relationships change. Sure we can say “I’ll do my best to always treat you with respect” but even then we can’t promise we won’t end a relationship and thus hurt someone.

    I guess if I were in your shoes I’d go about healing, growing, learning and becoming as healthy as possible. I’d find all of the positives that came from this relationship, and I am sure there were many, and walk away with them…knowing a bit more of what you do / don’t want from a man.

    You actually had a lot of flaws you were able to reel off there. He didn’t sound like a great fit…so just humor me a moment and ask yourself “what if this is all an amazing gift? A totally luck ex-scape?” And dare to dream that things are going exactly to plan and that a better fit is out there for you.

    I can’t tell you how many woman (and men) I’ve had through these doors with tales of woe not unlike yours and I am delighted to say the vast majority have moved on. They’d say “you’d tell me it would get better and I would be happy again but I didn’t really believe you at the time, but I am”. They go on to get find other love, or travel the world, or go back to retrain at university, write books, launch businesses…

    Now I know 35 feels like you’re running out of time…but if, God forbid, something does happen to the baby and you really want to be a mom one day – you will be. I’m someone who NEVER wanted to have kids, but have been toying with adopting (I’m just about passed those kid-bearing years – LOL)…

    But this guy may just end up having been one of your best teachers. Out of these relationships are when we grow / heal / learn the most. Truism.

    You are moving forward. Just keep breathing. I love the analogy of how you can drive across America the whole way in the dark and you don’t need to see the whole road, just the bits for a hundred or two feet in front of you.

    You’re going to be ok. You’re going to be happy one day. You’re going to come back and tell me I was right.

    Trust me. 11+ years here – I’ve pretty much seen it all and I can tell you, you’re where you’re supposed to be, going through what you’re meant to, for now. We all are. Even if we don’t like it at the time. As for “buttons” and “wishes” – I am about to post a new blog on that very subject. If I can find the words to write it. He’s not a horrible person. He just has made some bad choices behaviour wise. No doubt some crap from his own past has led him to behave this way. I mean it’s not exactly the behaviour of a happy, healthy, self-actualized individual is it?

    I think you’ll be thanking him one day…We’ll see. x

  43. Mario

    I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship that ended 4 months ago. It was born of an affair between us. I was in a very bad marriage that never should have happened and came to a point that I knew it was over, but instead of leaving began the relationship with this women with whom I worked. She was not happy in her marriage either, but her relationship with her spouse was not as bad as mine was with my ex. One year after our affair began my ex-wife found out about us by finding text message between us. That night I left and my ex was on the phone with my mistress’s husband letting him know about what was going on. Even though he found out about us they stayed together for another year before she left him, while in the meantime our affair continued.I can honestly say that I loved this women more than anyone I have ever loved before, far more than my ex wife. Despite this, I took her for granted and did several disrespectful things (none of which involved cheating on her) that eventually caused her to break up with me. It had been a year and a half since she left her marriage. Although I know it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, I believe the bulk of the reasons for the breakup fall on my shoulders, and I carry a lot of regret for the things I did. Three weeks ago I drove by her house and noticed that she moved. I texted her to inquire about it and found out she moved back home with her husband. Since then I have been devastated..up to that point I really thought we would get back together at some point. Although we had minimal contact with each other up to the point she moved back, despite several attempts at communication on my part, once I texted her about the move we began texting again on a regular basis. It initially felt great for me to be in contact with her but I kept questioning her why she was doing it if she was trying to repair her marriage. She said it was because she missed me and liked talking to me. We had one phone conversation during which she told me she had a deeper emotional connection with me than she ever would with her husband. After that I could no longer stand the pain and anxiety that the communications with her started to provoke so I stopped and asked her not to contact me anymore, and she hasn’t. So now I am stuck ruminating about the mistakes I made with her, and it is extremely painful to know that she chose to reconcile her marriage rather than try again with me. Our relationship was filled with huge external stressors because of how it came to be, and there is a good chance it would’ve failed eventually anyway. I also know that she will likely never leave again even if things go bad between her and her husband again, because of the pain it caused her children when she left, and the guilt she suffered because of that, but I just can’t seem to let her go.

  44. thea Post author

    Well this sounds painful for absolutely all involved. I am very sorry to hear the tale. As I was reading to the point where you began speaking again there was a glimmer of hope that after all the pain you guys had experienced that it would somehow work out (and I guess maybe it could one day)…but alas for now as you say she’s going back to her husband. A decade ago I used to have such strong judgmental views on infidelity – it’s amazing how time, life, and this website have altered my view. The more I grow and learn the more I realise I know nothing. No one does. We only THINK we do.

    You say she won’t ever leave her husband again but you can’t really know that. She can’t either! We say things like “I’ll never hurt you” and we shouldn’t because invariably we do hurt people even unintentionally.

    It sounds like you two have a very deep connection and I honestly know how that is. Sometimes that’s just bittersweet. I think you need to take away from this pure gratitude that you felt so deeply for someone. Many people never feel that. It’s time to let go of the guilt, regret and pain and start to forgive yourself. She made her choices – to take up with you – to go behind her husband’s back and to return to him…but honestly how does it bode when the woman says she has a deeper connection to YOU as she’s going back to him. Doesn’t bode well in my mind. She probably knows that but instead is probably doing something out of obligation. Many would applaud her for doing it but I am not sure I’m one of them.

    But then as I said the more I learn the less I really know. All I really know is that the pain generally subsides. We are all human and flawed. We all just have to do the best we can in life. I wish I had some great pearl of wisdom to fix it for all concerned but sadly I don’t. All I know is that this experience is happening for a reason for all – and we can’t always see the big picture when we’re stuck in the early rawness and pain. It will reveal itself at some point.

    For now you just work on your own healing and mending. That’s the only thing you’re responsible for. No one else. We never know what’s going to happen just around the corner. You’ll be happy again. Hang in there. OK?

  45. Kerry

    I have just broken up with a man I loved who cheated on me with an ex GF. We spent 17 months together & he was living with me for quite a bit of that time but still had his own place. Never did I meet any of his friends & only once went to his place. Always in the background was an ex or 2…he’s a C.B radio enthusiast & was obviously in contact with them. He said as friends only but I was suspicious cos of him leaving to go home at weird times eg 1am & then txts started turning up. Finally I checked his ph & yep he was cheating…leaving my place & going to hers. I am so hurt & feel so used as it was always me who paid as he was waiting for an investment to mature & I guess as soon as it did I found out the truth. Help me to feel less of a used piece of trash plz 🙁

  46. thea Post author

    Kerry I am sorry for the painful situation you find yourself in. I wish I could make someone feel something other than what they do but I am not sure I have that gift. I know that as I hit my 40s I stopped ever believing in the concept of being “used”. I am a grown up person, I have sex with, or pay for or whatever – whatever I want. ME. Never is there a gun to my head. I suspect you got benefit from the sex and the outings? So I recommend choosing not to feel “used”. Cheating – well that’s a tough thing. My views on it are now so much more “gray” than they used to be. Were you “committed” in the relationship – was it clear on both sides? If it was and he’s gone – then it sounds like a true BLESSING because who needs that in their life? His leaving will clear the way for a better fit, and make no mistake not all men will do that to you. I hear a lot of people saying “how can I trust again?” but we have to. The opposite is just not comprehensible. It’s a waste of a perfectly good life, when one becomes cold, bitter, distant, un-trusting – etc. So find the positives in this situation hon. It sounds like you’re truly better without him – as hard as it is now…Again, take my word for it, it’s a blessing. xx

  47. Brittney

    so ive been with this guy for 6 yrs we got engaged a yr ago, about three days ago he started acting funny didnt wanna talk to me joke around or even touch me. i txted him while he was at work and he told me that he wanted his space, his own place a break. i told him id give him space and time to think, but now he wont wear the ring i gave him and changed all his stuff to single. he sleeps on the couch and wont talk to me about it. idk what to do. i love this man so much and he was totally changed over one night.

  48. thea Post author

    I am so sorry to hear that hon. Seems like he’s done a 180. Either you did something inadvertently or he’s got feelings for someone else and doesn’t know what to do. When someone behaves erratically like this, in my own experience (and through this site) it tends to mean there is someone else – at work, school or something. It doesn’t mean he’s cheated per se – but that suddenly he’s questioning things. Now it may not be that – I can’t be sure…Even if there is someone else he may just DENY it.

    Either that or something you’ve said or done has rubbed him wrong. These are my first top two hunches. It of course could be a myriad of things. It could be that I am way off base…but usually the 180 tends to be a 3rd party in the mix in some capacity.

    It will be interesting to hear what his reasoning is. He’s changed all his stuff to sing, won’t wear the ring, and sleeps on the couch – he may not be “saying” anything vocally but what his actions are saying speaks volumes!

    It may SEEM also like it’s been over night but it is NEVER (repeat never never never) over night for the one pulling away. It feels like we’re blindsided but frankly a dumper tends to think about these things for days, weeks, months or even more – before action is taken. Usually when it is finally taken it’s like something “snaps” in them. The slightest thing can trigger the end like this.

    Get out a bit, don’t let him see you upset and crying. You’ve asked to talk – he’s not talking – so for a wee taste of his own medicine – go out and act as if NOTHING is happening. Get around some friends and have a bit of a rant to THEM! Or a laugh. It will be the opposite of what he’s expecting you to do. It may even make him 2nd guess his decision if he sees you going “right then I am getting on with things, if that’s the way you’re gonna be” (even though you won’t be feeling that inside…of course).

    But you take some space too toots. Time and space to evaluate the relationship from YOUR point of view and how it was really going. Keep me posted on what he finally says. You can’t stay in that holding pattern forever it will be too hard to move on with him on your sofa…so say “If we’re through you need to move out”. Simple as that. He find some other sofa to KIP on! You take care xx

  49. Brittney

    ya, he started a new job and met a new group of friends that live the single life and dont beive in marriage. we were good last night we talked for a bit and joked around and then he went back to his way today with not wanted to be around me. of course he says theres no one else in the picture but me askin made him more mad even though i wasnt accusing him just asking. i was thinkin about giving him a week and then if he dosent want to try to fix things, tell him to leave. i have a bad feeling that hes just staying saying we are on a break and being nice once in awhile just to string me along cuz he has no where else to go. hes been hiding behind his phone only with talk about stuff threw txt message but to my face. i woke up last night to a nightmare of him being with sum one else and i was crying and ran to him while he was sleepin on the couch and explained my dream and he just got more mad at me and told me to go away. idk its just hard to sit and wait, and i know i need to get out and have fun but of course all my friends are either married or in a good realionship. ill keep u posted on things. this site is very nice and its nice to have sumone to reach out to. thank you

  50. thea Post author

    Well the whole thing just sorta stinks. Him getting mad at you and being unsympathetic when you had a bad dream. What he thinks he’s “angry” about isn’t really what he’s angry about it. It’s displaced anger it sounds like – probably not at you – more guilt and feeling trapped in the situation in some way or something. Who knows? You have no control over HIS decision about the relationship – whatsoever. But what you DO have control over is how you choose to move on from this, from literally day one. I don’t really expect you to running out having “fun” per se – I’m more suggesting you start going out, dress up a bit, treat yourself to something fabulous, and go out. Not saying where you’re going (as it’s none of his business). He’ll be expecting you to be begging, crying, a Bridget Jones clone, aim higher is my suggesting. Even if you put on that brave face and drive around to a friend’s for a cry! Ha.

    No matter what happens hon, you’re going to be fine. If he leaves or if he stays, you’re 100% ok. That’s the thing to remember. I mean yes it will hurt, it’s an adjustment. It will be a roller coaster but I firmly believe all break ups work out for the highest good for all concerned,…at least eventually! So yes please let me know how the limbo week goes. Thinking of you x

  51. Brittney

    good news, i took your advice, and gave left him alone and stopped talking to him. i came home from work and he sat me down and told me he still loved me and that he wanted to work things out. 😀

  52. thea Post author

    Well that’s great hon, but please consider starting to build up more of a life with more friends, work, goals, dreams, etc. Too many people focus on one box of their life (see link below) – usually their relationship box (sometimes the work box too) but if/when it doesn’t work out, then they’re left bereft.

    My concern is that he’s done it once, he could very well do it again. I mean, what’s changed since last week or whatever? What changed from why he pulled away to now? Why the sudden 180 back again?

    Usually for a reunions to really work – more time has to have elapsed or some work on both sides needs to take place but it sounds like you were never honestly told what his whole “about face” was all about…So please look after your heart and fill up those other boxes in your life so it’s not about HIM.

    Remember he’s not the key to your happiness. He’s not your source. He’s just someone who is a part of your life – he’s not your whole life. OK?

    I hope it works out!

  53. Kyle Anderson

    It was a strange relationship. I met a much younger man online, still in his late teens, still living at home–immature, often childish. He became severely infatuated with me, I enjoyed the attention and began to be attached to him, too. But he was never a Physical turn-on for me: it was more friendship, more a dad/son kind of relationship. He loved texting–sent hundreds of texts a day and always complained I was not attentive enough. I felt “safe” in this kind of admittedly passionless relationship. I liked not being crazy about him–he was so much more into me than my usual type ever is. He loved me and I went along with it. But for him (as for me) something important was missing. Sexually it wasn’t good–almost a chore for me! But I loved the company. Then one day i found out he was sleeping with someone else. Soon he admitted that he was–and confessed that was “in love with” a man 30 years his senior. I took this very hard and told him i was cutting him off. He cried and protested–“you don’t care about me? You’re just gonna ignore me?” This happened on the phone, 2 months ago now. He wanted to go on with me, as a “daddy” and a friend. I said no, and that night it ended. I was and am amazed how hard i took it. He’d become like family. It was always more friendship than romance, but I still took it hard. I was in shock. I started missing him more than I’d ever loved him, started idealizing him in a way I never had before. He kept trying to contact me, sometimes crying, but i ignored him. We did talk once a few weeks later and he exchanged emails too. He never really got the message that I didn’t want to be his friend. He still saw me as a kind of dad. I assume he’s still with his new daddy. when it was over it left a terrible void. I used to love hearing his messages arrive on my phone! But we never bonded in bed. Now he’s gone. With each day that passes he’s starting to feel farther and farther away. I’ve begun to heal. I think that through the heavy texting all those months, I fell for the person’s INSIDES, not the body. I went straight for emotions and skipped over the body. When it was over I felt as if I’d lost a son.

  54. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay…

    Bleuch! Kyle, I’ve so been there. I really have. A guy, only six years younger also immature constantly contact like 100 to zero over night.

    We would email more than text but it musta been up to 20 mails in a day back and forth all day long. (He was the guy that inspired this site in fact).

    I know it seems hard now, and impossible to fathom, but there is every chance you can be friends again in time. Just let the dust settle. Let the rawness heal. For BOTH of you!

    I am sure you mean/t a lot to him and vice versa. It’s not always about the SEX. My ex (as above) and I had more what you’ve described, and I PINED for him for like two years. I learned a lot from him and won’t do that again! You know what – we’re friends now – email periodically even!

    The void does close over. Obviously having that confidante is really what you’re missing. Someone in touch every day. That for me is almost ALWAYS the hardest part for me. In a way it’s good you didn’t have the chemistry too too much because when you have that ON TOP OF the immediate halt to the daily communications it’s a double whammy. :-/

    All you can do is keep on pushing through this. As someone who has felt EXACTLY what you have I can promise you it does get better. Fill your mind and time with other things, keep busy, do writing when you’re feeling intensely. I keep a journal about how I am feeling, and when I read them now it’s like a different person wrote them…

    Just know that people ebb and flow from our lives. Haven’t you experienced that with other people? He may be feeling “further away” but I suspect you’ve not “lost” him forever. Send him some positive thoughts, wish him well on his journey and trust that in due course your paths will likely cross again.


  55. Kyle Anderson

    Thank you thea for your beautiful response! There’s a lot more wisdom to be found on the Web sometimes than in most libraries. And thank you for this site!

  56. Esther


    Firstly I must say I have not been dumped officially but it certainly feels that way. I have been in a relationship with a man for close to 2 years but we have known each other for longer. Everything was great. He proposed, I accepted, families came to know, we were in total bliss! We have so much in common it was easy to plan a future together.

    A few months ago, he met my parents and I was going to meet his too. Then they flatly refused to meet me saying that I wasnt right for him. (They have never met me, nor have they spoken to me over phone!). I do not know why they have opposed as I have very good reputation and come from an affluent family. He and I live 25 hours apart and so meet only twice or thrice an year. The one week that he was here, his folks tried all they could to put me in bad light. I couldnt understand why people who dont know me would try to tarnish my image. Anyway, he remained supportive of me, much to their dismay. And told them he only wanted to marry me. However, his behavior toward me completely changed after that.

    He started calling once a week only. Then it reduced to once in 2-3 weeks. Now he dsnt even mail or msg me. And when he does call, he tells me that he loves me a lot and wants to work things out but is keeping a distance so that he can “make certain decisions in his life alone”. This has been going on for the last 6 months. He says he keeps a distance to protect me from getting hurt in case it dsnt work out between us.

    So last month, I called it quits. I am now visiting another country. Before I came here, he flew down and met me and told me his world falls apart when I am not with him. That he is doing everything he can to settle things so we can get married in the near future. I was happy to hear that and joyously boarded my plane to this place. Its been a month since we last met and he has called me only once. And nothing about breaking up was discussed. He spoke like everything was fine. But after that cuts my call whenever i call him and avoids responding to my mails too. I know that a week or two later, he will call again and speak as though everything is alright. What kind of relationship has this sunk to? I dont know what I should do. We were mighty happy together, inseperable, despite the geographical distance, we spoke to each other for hours everyday……until his parents started scheming against me. For what reason, i dont know. Now it really sucks. I feel like I am left hanging. I have no guarantee if he will fix things like he has promised and then get married to me. Or if he will continue to avoid me for weeks together and then call me at regularly intervals and speak lovingly and then one fine day stop calling. Im sick of this but I love him too much to dump him without clear proof that he is abusing my trust. I also feel he is genuine sometimes, that he really is keeping a distance coz he has issues with his parents he needs to rectify, he needs time to get a better job to support a family and really wants me to be happy alone for a while till he comes for me. But it sounds so lame. So cowardly even. This isnt the medieval ages when the maiden waits for years for her knight in shining armor. But then again, i almost trusts him blindly even now, so I am inclined to believe what he tells me is true. And i feel I should just wait for him. Or am I being stupid coz he rarely communicate with me now?

  57. thea Post author

    Hello Esther, what a tale that is! 25 hours apart. It’s sounding more like a technology relationship than a real one. LDRs are challenging at the best of times. It was unclear to me whether you are even together or not. If it were me – I’d make NO EFFORT to contact him at all (no calls, texts, emails nothing), and I’d assume it was over and I’d get on with my life. If he comes back and makes real effort then fair enough, but if you’re in a real relationship you’re not going a week or two or three without speaking. You know?

    The whole thing does sound a bit fishy. Whether it’s his parents or it’s someone else occupying his time or mind (locally), I am not sure, but right now it doesn’t sound like he’s stepping up to the plate to be your committed partner for whatever reason.

    >> I feel like I am left hanging

    This is why I say you need to take charge over your own life. You don’t HAVE to sit around waiting, wishing, hoping, hanging. You can make the decision to be in charge of your own life and get on with it. You have NO CONTROL over him or what he does, thinks, writes, says, etc – you can only take responsibility for your own words / actions.

    How much do you value yourself? Are the one who wants to sit around and wait for some guy to get with the program? It doesn’t sound like real love this.

    I don’t personally think he is “abusing” trust or anything else. He clearly just has a lot on his mind/plate/whatever. Not a crime as such – just is what it is. It’s what YOU do with that that matters.

    His business is his business yours is yours. Mind your business and get on with it!

    Make no effort to contact him. Respond simply/kindly/shortly. Don’t get involved in any heavy “where is this all going” type chatter. Just keep chat short / light and get on with it. I feel like there’s another person in the picture but that’s only my gut instinct here. Something or someone is clouding the issue.

    So crack on with your own life and find a guy in your own post code not 25 hours away. That’s my two cents for what it’s worth. Take care.

  58. Tracie

    To keep it brief, I was dumped after two years without warning or any signs after my ex told me he loved me, disappeared for a week and a half, resurfaced long enough to tell me he needed time to think but still loved me (we were in a LDR and he wasn’t sure how he would handle waiting for me to finish university), then just a couple of hours after he said he needed time someone claiming to be his gf (didn’t know he had one) popped on his skype and let me know they were sleeping together, then logged off. I’ve not heard a word since from him. Before this, we spoke daily on Skype, watched online movies together, etc.

    I stupidly sent him a couple of emails, one letting him know how bad he hurt me, and the other offering an olive branch, since I actually wasn’t upset he found someone localy; I was more upset he didn’t tell me about her and about his disappearing act. I feel quite hurt and angry that he didn’t think I was worth the truth or a proper goodbye, and I question if he ever indeed loved me at all.

    Part of me wants to give him a chance to explain himself, the other feels he should get to know how it feels to be ignored if he ever does bother to contact me.

    Any thoughts?

  59. Emma

    So I was dumped a couple of months ago by my boyfriend of 5 years. This is the worst thing that has happened to me so far, it has been awful.

    It dragged out for ages, it started with him saying he was confused then he began to grow very distant and he stopped introducing me to people, he really began to cut me out of his social circle. In the end he got a job in another city and that became his out. He didn’t want me to go with him. Then it finally came to the point that he didn’t want a commitment he didn’t want to consider anyone else in his decision making, he wanted to be free and to be on his own as he’d always been in relationships.

    We have done the long distance thing a few times in our 5 year relationship. The first stint of time apart was difficult but we were in it together and putting the same amount of effort in. The second stint which was nearly 2 years ago is where things first went wrong. He cheated on me, more than once, and became really aware of what life as a single guy would be like. Once we were back in the same place and trying to get our relationship back on track I began to notice just how out of control his flirting had become and I became very jealous and very angry.

    I feel as though I pushed him away and I blame myself so much for that I get stuck thinking that I’m the one who ruined everything, then I realise my behaviour was a reaction to a serious wrong committed by him and it’s not fair to blame myself for having a hard time getting over an infidelity when he never made any effort at all to fix things.

    I fought so hard for nearly 2 years to get us back on track, I did everything I could but he just didn’t want it any more. He dragged out the break up for months and I began to believe that it meant he was still in it and if I just waited long enough he would come back emotionally and we would work it out. But it wasn’t like that he was being selfish and cowardly he didn’t want to hurt me but he didn’t want to be with me any more either.

    I loved him so much and I thought we were special, I still do. I miss him so much and I become overwhelmed by memories. So much of my life so many crucial moments in my past have been connected to him and I feel like I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost my best friend, the person I was going to spend my life with, and our shared life and involvement with each other’s family and friends. I have so much to grieve for at the moment.

    He has turned out to be the biggest disappointment of my life. I am so angry that he couldn’t be who I wanted him to be, I’m so angry at him for taking back the love he gave to begin with, and I’m so angry at him for wasting my time and not seeing my worth and recognising or valuing our potential.

    The hard part for me now is figuring out how to be myself without him. I need to find out what it is I want to do with my life. I’ve been basing my decisions on him for so long that I don’t know how to just live for myself. I’m trying to see this as a positive opportunity to do what I want to do with my life.

  60. thea Post author

    Hello there,

    I am sorry that you’re going through this. LDRs are challenging at the best of times. You get into that routine of contact – the skypes, the emails the watching films together etc -then whoosh it gets taken away.

    I’m like you – I’d understand someone finding someone “locally” but I’d hope for the honesty to state that. At least talk to you over the phone or over Skype so you could do it as “face to face” as possible.

    But breaking up with someone is really hard to do and he couldn’t face the thought of seeing you hurt. He’ll have known it would hurt you.

    I’d certainly not IGNORE him if he contacts you. And I’d not expect him to “explain himself” either. I think a lot of times people don’t know why they behave the way they do. It’s hard to explain why we do what we do.

    Also there’s probably no real such thing as a “proper” goodbye. Not really. No matter what way someone does it – it hurts. In a way it’s good you’re not bumping into him everywhere (if you’d have broken up in the same place). I had an ex who walked passed my house every day and it was like Chinese water torture!

    I suspect your paths will cross again. Work on forgiving him. He’s not a bad guy just because he ended it badly. I’ve had all kinds of dumpings from the guys just going AWOL, to face to face to over the phone – and all of which the end result was the same. I Was Dumped.

    You just work on healing and processing what you’re going through and don’t worry about the “what ifs” of him contacting you or not. Behave as empathetic as you can – regardless of how he chose to act. You’ve not got any control over how he thinks / feels / acts / speaks – you can only be responsible for yourself. Behave with dignity whenever possible.

    Take care hon.

  61. Andy

    Well I was dumped 3 months ago by my ex,
    We were together for 11months before it happened. She had come back from this trip on the tenth month it all began when she left in the 8 month she was gone for about 2 months and during the whole time she was over there she would rarely have a phone seein as she couldn’t pay her bill and after a while we drifted apart and never really talked anymore…. Her mom had also found out that we had broken up recently(she’s 15) and her mom denied her to see or talk to me so when she got back from her trip we weren’t functioning as a couple anymore because of her mom denying her from seeing me and she was going back to school in septemeber and this whole thing with her mom and her going to school and we were in different schools just started to heat things up cause all sorts of problems with us and the last day I saw her we quite latterly just fell apart we werent talking how we should’ve been talkin things were way to intense to think clearly and we lost it…. And I gave her an unimatum to be with me or just break up…. To make things worse her mom found out we had still been seeing each other and put her on complete lock down she couldn’t go anywhere and on a wensday around 10 she texts me from her I assume her friends phone and told me the whole story with her mom and that we couldn’t see each other anymore at all ever and it crushed me… It was as if some one died or something close to me died it was just a horrible morning and I was in denial when she texted me I asked the ovious question about being friends and such but she said no no no to everything…. And I texted back “f**k ur kidding right?” but she took it the wrong way and stopped texting me after that…. And well here I am three months after this happened and I’m still trying to get over what happened….

  62. thea Post author

    Well Andy I am sorry these recovery thing just takes some time. I know you feel crushed and upset the way things went pear shaped at the end but I suspect you will talk again in time. It sounds like for now it’s too challenging to be together. But in the future your paths may be able to cross. I actually suspect when the dust settles she’ll be in touch. I trust you apologised for your role in things getting out of hand at the end? If so, then there is not much you can do just now but to keep on healing. I am not sure if this is your first real heartbreak or if there have been others but in the early stages of our first splits it’s so hard because we don’t have anything to compare it to. We don’t have a benchmark to gauge our healing path.

    But you will heal and I suspect before too long there will be someone else that interests you. Maybe someone in your own school with out a mom on total lock down. In your teens and twenties (especially early 20s) it’s a real time for trying different people on. Get to know many people and slowly you learn to work out the type of person you’re best with. The trouble is when we’re young we get so caught up in the boy/girl thing we lose all sense of self and of self worth.

    I can’t begin to tell you how much time I wasted being sad of this guy or that. Most of whom don’t even make a difference to me now. And many of whom I was so bummed over that did matter and who I can remember are now Facebook friends now – many years on.

    People ebb and flow from our life. Weave in and out. I suspect you will find that to be the case as time goes on. So maybe if you have things you want to say to her you write them down in a notebook or on draft form in email. Keep them as a log for yourself to see how your feelings will change over time. Sometimes you will be sad and miss her, write down those thoughts. Other times you may feel angry and need to vent. Write those out (for you not for her). Eventually you’ll work through all of this and feel whole and happy again. It’s just a process. But I know writing stuff down does help me and it shows me my growth. I can go back and read all of those emotions and realise I no longer feel them with the same intensity.

    Writing is cathartic. If you’re a music person – write lyrics. Just find some creative ways to express what you’re going through. Turn that pain into some sort of gain. OK? Take care.

  63. Thais Buck

    “Being with me is hard. I thought I could do relationships, I have met someone but I don’t know how serious she is about this”

    Hi Thea, this was the break up line my Ex used, it was about a month ago, the next day he put it up on his Facebook he was in a relationship. I really enjoyed reading your site and the wound is still fairly fresh, but it gave me hopes and start believing in all that my friends and family say. I’ve said all I had to say to him, including some swear words, but I’m still going through the ‘How could he?’ stage. I know I definatley don’t want to go back and I realize I wasn’t really happy with him and he will never change, but I just don’t seem to shake him off me. We were together for 7 years. I decided to move country to finish my studies, he was meant to come out in 9 months time to see if he would like to live here, I never really discussed, I just came back from holiday saying ‘I’m doing it’. I know that there wasn’t much left of US, but we were still US, he never took any decision in our lives together. In 3 months that I left, we broke up on Favebook, actual fact, I had to ask if he wanted to. Then he blamed it on the fact I chose to as he quoted “Put my name on some paper”. I did a lot for him and gave up a lot too, and felt it was time to take care of myself. I just can’t believe how ungratefull and selfish someone can be. Even though I was not happy and I needed to persue something more in my life, I still love him, and I hoped he would of been there to support me like I have for all those years.

  64. thea Post author

    Seven years is a long time. It will be many peaks and valleys for the foreseeable future, I reckon! So when it did actually end? I am a little confused by your story but that could be from staring a computer all day long! 🙂 You guys are now long distance is that right? That might be a good thing 🙂

    I think relationships, as sad as it is, last exactly as long as it was meant to – for you and for him (for all of us). And even if we know it’s not the “right” one for us – it doesn’t mean it hurts ANY less (I speak from brutal experience here).

    Blame is pointless – it’s not anyone’s fault. As a guess you were each mirroring some stuff back and forth to each other. We’re all vibrational energy. ON some level you were showing your unhappiness with the relationship and he was too – like ping pong back and forth.

    As for being “ungrateful” and “selfish” – it’s funny I now never think in terms of those types of labels. My last relationship taught me more than most and I personally learned that anything I said about him I was saying about myself. I also learned that for whatever word I used to describe him (or myself) the opposite was also true. (Search for Byron Katie – she helped me change the way I think about things more than anyone – ever!) 🙂

    I mean you can probably find three examples of how he was SELFLESS at times and GRATEFUL too. I asked my ex once to say the worst thing he could possible say about me – I can’t exactly what it was – I think “Controlling” (hands up I can be) but I put it to him “but can you not find examples of when I was totally easy going and let you dictate what we did (ate, where we went whatever)?” He acquiesced.

    So while name calling is normal when it’s “fresh” as you call it – work on forgiving and letting him go. I like to say “I am everything you say I am, and the opposite too”. None of us is all one way or another. He did the best he could, I suspect as did you? Do you think maybe? Was there anything you could have done to change this out come, do you think?

    You’re gonna be ok. You are ok actually. Just take it one day at at time. You’ll get through this and know that you will be happy and love again. If not him than with another even better fit! xx

  65. Thais Buck

    This was my first long term relationship and my first break up, all my other ex’s I have caught them cheating on me but I never really cared.
    It ended on the 1st of nov 2011 and on the 6th he was going out with her. We are not together anymore. Maybe I was selfish by moving to the other side of the globe, but that was because all I was doing was looking after him and “his” problems, really thinking back, that was always what I was doing, I kind of became his mother, he never had any self esteem, always pitying about himself and was never a people person, and my mum even said that I was becoming like him exactly, I used to be a very happy bubbly person, I’m starting to come back to myself now. What really hurts most is that he couldn’t be upfront about not wanting to share the same ambition as I have and tried to work our differences out, instead he just kept leading me on, saying he had enough of everything, he couldn’t handle the fact that I left to do my studies, instead he just twisted and says that I just left him on his own to “fend” for himself, that all people did was bull***t him, he even said he started using drugs, and I was constantly in contact with him these last 3 months, telling him to stop lying to others because they will eventually lie to him, to stop thinking about himself any less, to stop using drugs and drinking. We started going out when I was 17 and he was 18. Looking back I think the reason we stayed together for so long was because he and I needed someone there and I believed all the fairy tale promises he made. I am now 23 and I’m sure lots would agree that it just get into a point in your life where you have to move on and upwards with your life, but he is still at the teenager stage, no ambition, motivation and no matter how much I tried to show or tell him, he is still quite immature. I know I loved him very much in the past and still do a little, that is why I feel so hurt. Because no matter what came by I stuck by him, but when I needed to look after me, he just left. I asked him time and time again why he did it, all he kept saying is that I hurt him for leaving, he didn’t even tried to come out and see me, he just gave up, and I keep the feeling that I should of given up a long time ago and not have wasted my time. That is why I call him ungrateful, when the need arose he couldn’t stand by me like I have for him. I am on and off with the emotions you know some days are good some days are bad, but the hardest part is seeing him moving on so quickly, just like the snap of the fingers, he is with someone else, and I’m still here, wondering what the hell happened, if I was so unhappy then why am I so hurt? How could he just push me out so easy? Why couldn’t he be straight enough and tell me as soon as I got here that he was not coming out here and that he wanted to end it? Questions and questions that will never be answered and time and time again I torture myself by trying to figure out the answers.

  66. Marie

    I met Peter 18 months ago on a dating website. I felt ready to look for a long-term committed relationship and he seemed so too, or at least I wanted to believe so. Sometimes, I am just a little too optimistic. I had been careful to not date for a year to give myself time to know what I wanted and needed. Our relationship developed very quickly and I didn’t question some things that I should have although the therapist I saw this week pointed out that I must have known the answers on some level. At the time I met him, Peter had been separated for 5 months from his wife of 15 years and had moved to San Francisco at that time. I knew about rebound relationships but we had just met and I enjoyed being with him. You don’t necessarily think about the future when you are first dating someone. Definite major warning signs I didn’t heed in the first month of the relationship: 1) he left his home with nothing, moved to SF, rented an apartment and bought everything new down to his toothbrush, 2) he told me his wife had a great body, 3) the first time he cooked for me, he asked if I like a lot of cheese because his wife did, 3) the first time, he came to my flat, he commented on the candles I had, saying his wife loved scented candles, 4) one evening after divorce mediation with his wife, while sitting on my couch, he broke down in tears, 5) he told me he was falling in love with me a week after we had met, 6) he wanted me to move in with him 3 weeks after we had met. Seventeen months later, divorce still ongoing, he coninued wanting me to move into his apartment with him (which by this time is completely filled with furniture, the cabinets with dishes, etc. and the walls with art) and says that 1) if I really loved him, I would take a chance, 2) if it didn’t work out, I was an attractive woman and could find another guy to move in with, and 3) my sons (away at college) could just stay in a hotel when they came for holidays and summers. I live in a large rent controlled flat that my sons consider “home”, with comparables being about $800/mo. more than I currently pay. My keeping my flat was not an option in his mind. I was willing (God knows why) to look for a flat that met both of our needs. This also was not an option because he liked the water views afforded by where he currently lives. For whatever reason, we knew that we loved each other and the next month seemed to go really well, at least on my end. We travelled to visit his children, had great weekends, spent almost every night together, made love, and professed our love to each other. The last morning I saw him, we kissed in the elevator for 24 floors and the corner before we took our respective busses. He told me loved me. That night (a Friday) he called to say he wouldn’t be home until 8:30. I was tired and at 7 sent a message that I was just going to go to bed. To make a long story short, the next day he said he didn’t want to talk to or see me, but would call later in the week. I didn’t hear from him until the following Saturday when he earned to say he had boxed all my things up and would call for a a delivery time. He called and yelled at me for about 3 minutes: sex was great but…he needed someone 24/7 and I worked too much (to put my sons through college) for people who considered me “dirt under their feet.” (I have a Ph.D., chair a department, and feel quite valued at my place of employment.) He left boxes at my front door 30 minutes later and I have not heard from him since. I am writing here to keep from writing him. It has been 8 days with no contact and I have been doing yoga every morning and keeping busy with friends. Although I should have known better, I really did hold out hope that he did truly care for me.

  67. Emma

    So I posted a couple of weeks back. I’ve had a little bit of contact with my ex (I still feel weird calling him that I keep accidentally saying boyfriend to people) I feel like it’s getting worse though. I miss him so much it’s actually making me a physically sick now. But it’s been a couple of months now and I feel like I’m a burden on people now, that I’m starting to push everyone around me away. Thank god for websites like this.

    Everyone keeps telling me it gets better but I really don’t see that happening. At the end of last week he posted a massive amount of old photos of us being a couple and a few just of me on my own up on facebook. I only know about it because he tagged loads of my friends and some of my family. I don’t know why he thinks this is appropriate behaviour. He’s very happy being single now but the photo thing really freaked me out.

    I keep going over and over in me head what I could have done differently, how I could have acted or reacted differently to make him want to stay. There really was no proper reason, or a how or a where I was dumped, in this instance he just sort of drifted away and let me cling on for as long as I could.

    I would do anything to go back to our old life, I wish I could turn the clock back and just have those happy years over and over again. This is so unbelievably hard.

  68. Simon

    I met my partner about five years ago at work, we became close friends and then two years ago we started dating and got engaged in August. She has a little boy from a previous relationship whom i adore and he gets on with me.

    We have had a bumpy ride in the last few months ‘splitting up’ four times – the latest last night. The first was over my perceived lack of commitment – in fact I was committed, just going at a slower pace – the second due to her not being sure, then she moved in, then out due to extreme and nasty pressure from parts of her family. This got me down and I became quite depressed. We had planned for her to move back in tomorrow, but last night she phoned to say she couldn’t as she could not cope with my depression and bringing up her son.

    Friends say to run a mile as even if we get back again it may happen a fifth, sixth , seventh time. I know we still love each other and I know that I want to keep trying.

    This is so so hard that I just don’t know what to do.

  69. thea Post author

    Hi Si, I won’t say “run a mile” as it sounds like you both have lots of feelings for each other.

    What I would say is that you might consider taking on board what she’s saying and addressing your own emotional state of mind. I mean are you really “depressed” (has it been going on for a while or was it just recent because of the on/off situation?) What I guess I am saying is the only thing you can do is work on you, being the kind of guy anyone would WANT to be with.

    I am guessing this is not the last you’ve heard of her but I’d avoid moving in for a while until you guys work out some of the issues you both have with each other and the relationship itself. I think what we can all benefit from is the art of listening. Really hearing when someone is talking. What is she really saying she’s feeling or needing? It does sound like she has a lot on her plate right now. She definitely is needing someone to be there to bolster her up not bring her down.

    You can’t coerce her, persuade her, or make her do/think/feel/act the way you want her to – you can only control how you choose to respond to this. You are not her source of happiness and she is not yours…it’s something that we need to find for ourselves and then SHARE with others…so work on being happy within your own skin and trust this will unfold just how it’s supposed to. You’re ok, you really are. Just take it one moment at a time and sit down and do a life audit this weekend – what’s working, what’s not, what things can you do to change what isn’t?

    One of your goals should be happiness and the ability to move on past the pain in your life. Take care x

  70. thea Post author

    Hi again Em…contact can be a real catch 22. I speak from plenty of experience. If it continues to feel like it’s getting WORSE not better then you might consider trying to find a professional to work through it with you?

    Other than that, I’d ask you to be aware of the thoughts that continue to run through your head. If you keep saying “I’m getting worse” – guess what, you’ll get get worse! The things you think, the negative self talk you keep repeating, ends up perpetuating things.

    Why don’t you come off FB for the rest of the month and ask your friends not to tell you anything pertaining to him.

    You can’t change what you did or didn’t do in your relationship NOW…you can only act from here on out. None of us can turn back the clock. You know? Learn from what you did/didn’t do. Remind yourself you’ll do better in the next one…either with him or someone new.

    Promise yourself you’re going to find a way to turn all of this pain into something valuable to you. You’ll gain from the pain. If you set that as your goal you really will. You’ll be happy again. You’ll love again. My mantra these days is that I accept love from wherever it comes from. Remain open to it.

    You are getting better bit by bit it’s just a slow process that’s hard to see sometimes. It only FEELS like you’re not but you are. OK? You are. x

  71. J

    I got my first serious boyfriend at 21. He is a year younger than me. We met in college, over the summer, while we were both doing research on campus. It was magical. He was absolutely gorgeous. He had an innocence and kindness about him I was drawn to. That summer was incredible. We got very serious very quickly. The relationship was fiesty. We fought a lot, but we also reached a point of quiet domesticity. I believed he would always be there for me. A year later I would be going to graduate school, and I made sure from the beginning that he was actually serious about it. That he would stick it out. I was willing as well, and applied to schools in the Northeast. Ended up at NYU. Made my schedule so I could see him half the week. Two weeks in, and after a year and a half, he got cold feet. Two days before breaking up with me, he sent me an email saying “I won’t leave you! We’ll just have periods of separation like this and then in time and with patience, we’ll have periods of togetherness as well.” Two days later, when I went to visit him, he broke up with me in the rose garden on our campus, where we fell in love. He immediately became cold, and mean. He did not show any compassion to my suffering (he dumped me as I was telling him he was hurting me). He was possessive, cold-hearted, jealous, controlling and often mentally and emotionally and even physically abusive– but I thought no one was perfect, that we would grow together, I forgave it all. He never let me break up with him in a nice way because I was “irrational” and “impulsive” but when he did it on his own terms, (and merely one night before he said he wanted to be with me), he cut me out cold. He claimed to still want to be friends (in some undetermined future, on his clock) but I think that was just to make himself feel better about it. I don’t know how someone can do that. How can someone cut me out for good, immediately, when I recently moved to a new city, and everything was changing, and I thought I could at least count on him, as a friend if nothing else, to not abandon me? But he abandoned me, just like everybody else. He gave me reasons like “I don’t like your lack of punctuality” and “I don’t feel the butterflies anymore.” Just like that, he shattered the world we made. Just like that, the world I showed him, my world, was a graveyard. I haven’t heard from him since. I thought at least out of respect, or some decency, he would at least send me an email a month or so later just out of courtesy, to say that he didn’t mean to be so mean. Or anything. We didn’t cheat. We didn’t hate each other. I don’t know what it was. He just fell out of love with me I guess. That was the end of that.

    Since then I tried everything people tell you to try. But everything reminds me of him. It’s been 3 months and I still feel shellshocked every moment. He’s never had his heart broken, I mean for real broken (no one knows how it feels until they are really, seriously dumped)- he went from a tiny block in Romania to our small campus in Connecticut. He didn’t see life, he was young, he has to do his thing, I know that. But really- at the expense of all I gave him? Of leaving a disrespectful MESS and trail of destruction? OF ruining my ability to love or trust anyone anymore? What can I have faith in anymore? In whom? Everything was a lie. He said he “couldn’t come to love the thngs about me he thought were cute in the beginning.” He lead me on then, with his confusion or whatever else went on. No one will ever see what a monster he was to me, what he said to me, how he treated me, how he mistreated me– no one will. Because he’s handsome and seems innocent and does well in school. A decent person would at least apologize for dumping me in the rose garden. Or for anything. I would never have feelings for a person this cruel and heartless ever again– but he couldn’t even be gracious enough to offer closure. Because everything was about him, and what worked for him– everything he did was selfish and self-preservatory.

    A mutual friend S, who apparently also was in love with me, and was the root cause of a lot of insecurity and fights within my relationship, also decided to be totally cruel- -whch I put up with before the break up, but he continued to be really mean even afterwards. Of course, he thinks that treating someone well, like a true friend, is “worshipping” them. I have amazing friends. He acted like one of them back when he was apparently in love with me. But he was resentful for it. He said “do you know how I cried silently while I saw you get with A? Do you know what I did for you? You talk as though I owe you, which I do, but when you imply it it makes you sound like a bitch” as though 1) I knew about this or asked for this and 2) it’s my problem that he was in love with me and never told me and was silently miserable and 3) like my demand for a good friend- which is reasonable and what he was to me was NOT worship, it was love (which I get in exactly that form from my other friends) makes me a bitch.

    A and S didn’t take to each other. Probably because of me and their jealousy issues. Whatever. I fought for S with A, I fought for A with S. I had both of them in my heart– one as a friend, and one as a lover. But I wonder why I even bothered. They both told me to fuck off and broke my heart– and ultimately, had their own interests and agendas at heart. S said he kept quiet about it for all three of us. But his ambiguity about his feelings for me made it difficult with my then boyfriend. Because I constantly tried to argue with my boyfriend that no no its not like that, because I don’t want to believe S “loved” me, because I did not like that idea or him in any romantic way. Even though S was gone abroad for the year, he was always present. Unfortunately so. When he came back he stopped acting like a good friend, or according to him, “like his world revolved around me, and like he was in love with me and worshipping me.” You can’t do that to someone. You can’t not tell them how you feel, hurt over them only to resent them later, and then come back a changed person, when all this while I thought that was the quality of his friendship. But it wasn’t. It was his messiah/martyr complex and some self-induced wounded love that honestly was a huge part in wrecking my relationship.

    I heard that they hung out after the break up. I fell out with S shortly after that. I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore.

    He said “Why? Because I don’t fucking worship you anymore? What do you want me to say? That A misses you? He clearly fucking doesn’t”

    And it’s true. My ex boyfriend does not care even a little bit about me as a human being, I wonder if he ever did. S went on a world tour and found better friends. Two weeks into “long distance” (even though I was only 2:30 hrs away) and my relationship was shattered. A few months of going abroad made S realize that he was over me and that I deserved to be treated like shit (even though he claims he treats me like a “friend”– no friend treated me the way he did). He went out of his way to wave in my face about what better friends made than me, how much more he loves and connects with them than he ever did with me, as though I did something wrong for not liking him. As though I owed him for something. He was under the impression that he helped me get with A. But he didn’t. I did everything. We would have been together no matter what. It was not my problem.

    He said “don’t explode on me for what you’re going through.” And if you ask me, no friend– good or not– who can comprehend even a fraction of the pain I was and am going through, would be so cruel. Would make me feel even more like shit, even more rock bottom, than I already do. The friend I remembered was kind. Compassionate. But the friend that returned was rude, vengeful, and heartless.

    For so long, I thought maybe they had a point. I thought that maybe I did something wrong. That maybe I do want to be worshipped. Maybe I am full of myself. Maybe I am a horrible person to deal with. What can I do when the people I loved most just– in one quick gash, let my love and life leave me? I felt like a failure. These two people loved me for exactly who I was. They LOVED me for my flaws, my wounds, my suffering, my immensity. They loved my sarcasm, my snark, my rambles. They loved me so much I felt like an angel. It was a beautiful thing. And every day, you know, I thanked God (or whatever else) for givng me a friend like S and a lover like A. I NEVER took it for granted. I never ever ever did. I talked, I worked things out, I synchronized, I saved money, I was loyal, I broke down my walls as they wanted me to and let myself love with abandon. They made me feel beautiful and they healed me the way they said I helped them feel, or think, or whatever else. I felt like the luckiest, most undeserving person in the world to have met people so beautiful.

    A year later, the same people made me feel ugly. They made me feel stupid. They made me feel worthless. They made me feel bad for who I was. As S said, that summer was a “mindfuck” to him. That he did it to himself. Which was not my problem but that was news to me, and that was mean to have said– especially in the tone he says it in– with malice. They, who once made me have faith in the universe, made me lose faith in EVERYTHING with their inconsiderate, selfish behavior and lack of compassion. Forget love. How can I even trust FRIENDSHIP again? How can I believe anyone when they feel love for me? They both said they’d never leave me, that it would always be like this, that no matter what they would be there for me.

    Where are they now? They both ended it by dismissing it all as “I was in love, so it didn’t really mean anything, not that I am over you.”

    I am shattered, but beyond that. My friends today told me that this was all very weird, because I was the go-to person everyone would consult when in need to faith in the universe. I always believed in something bigger. Now, after this bastardization, I feel nothing. There is no destiny, love, magic, coincidence, or true connection. Maybe momentary, but that’s it. Everything is so random. Now I literally see no reason in living. Other than my family and friends and how they would feel, I just see live as a series of destroyed paths. Like everyone will leave me, break me, and ultimately disappoint me.

    A year ago I gelt like I won. I felt triumphant. A year later, I am defeated, and I got tricked harder than I can describe by the universe.

    THere is not a minute where I don’t think about them, and all the people I’ve lost. Not one minute. And when I can’t be angry or sad anymore, when I can’t get fired up by the unfairness of it all– when I am just TIRED and exhausted– I miss them. I miss them so much it aches.

    I wish I could cast it all away, or that it would become better, that people will grow up or come around. But I know they won’t. Because everyone’s story and context makes sense to them. Everyone has their own trajectory. What am I looking for? Reconciliation? Sure. But the ball isn;t in my court anymore. It never was– everything they did for me or showed me was for themselves.

    I got played so hard- its just comical. I just don’t feel like I’m living. I cant’ feel happy or look forward to anything because I feel dead inside. The prospect of meeting others scares me. I trusted A and S so much. I trusted them with my life. To be kind to me, above all else, as I was to them. And even they left me (lets not even go into the others in the past). If all I ever have to draw on is abandonment, then really, what’s the point of even doing this to myself again? I’m not even bitter, or melancholy, or heartbroken. my heart has been broken in 1823487 different ways. I’ve felt it all. I just feel lifeless, aimless, static and gray.

    Nothing helps. The psychics, the meditation, the yoga, the therapy, the distractions, school, keeping busy, being social. Nothing helps when I think about how terribly I’ve been screwed over and betrayed.

    I don’t know what to do.

  72. Simon

    Hi Thea,

    Thanks for that. I’d already decided that ‘running a mile’ was not the choice I wanted to make.

    We are talking on the phone, and i hope that next week we can meet up and simply talk and listen to each other. I truely believe we have too much to offer each other to simply let this fall away and slam the door behind us.


  73. thea Post author

    Hi long story sorry I’ve not had a chance to read and respond and won’t now until Sunday I think. We do have a new community set up which we’re beta testing. Feel free to post on one of the topics there. It’s only gone live today and as I say we’re in testing mode but already heaps of people are signing up. Take are hon…as for what to do – keep breathing! One foot in front of the other too! xx

  74. kellygibson1116

    Hi, I might very well be one of the youngest people on this website, so therefore my story might seem less.. complex, and heartbreaking. But I’ve been grieving over a year and a half relationship – my first relationship ever – for almost eight months now. And the worst part is, I cannot STAND how much happier he is without me.

    I met him my sophomore year of high school, we had almost our entire schedule together so we were ultimately forced into contact, but one thing led to another, and we ended up dating after a month or so. He was the first boy I ever kissed, first date, etc.

    But it was so much more than that. He was literally my best friend in the entire world. We spent everyday together, to the point where my friends would yell at me and complain, to the point where my father would constantly be worried about me, if I was getting too attached.

    He was right.
    I WAS too attached to this boy. He was my entire world. I have an entire poetry book containing poems of how I rather die than not be with him, well, looks like I’d be dead right now if I still felt that way. We were practically the same person. Both so driven and competitive, we bonded over gym class, debates, we even sung and played music together. We were an absolute team, to the point where it would odd if peers saw one without the other. I thought I met my match.

    We got in a huge fight one day, conveniently the day before our year-and-a-half anniversary. We had dinner reservations the following evening, at this point I was now a junior in high school. The fight wasn’t that out of the ordinary, something I didn’t fear would spark the end of the relationship that controlled my happiness, unfortunately. He texted me hours later, saying “You know I’d never break up with you, right?” And I believed him, of course I did. Because I honestly didn’t see a reason to not marry him someday. I was in love, what else was needed? Obviously more because he dumped me hours later, after sending that text, over the phone. He claimed he wanted to try to pursue other girls (because I was his first), he needed that experience. All he kept claiming was how it had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME PERSONALLY, but how he liked other girls and I couldn’t stand in his way any longer. It was done as simple as that. A phone call.

    Of course I could tell this story forever, but in short, he’s dating someone else now. I am a senior in high school, and this has been the longest eight months of my life, honestly. I wake up everyday and picture him waking up with his new girlfriend, whom I see as such a downgrade some days and see as a superiority others. They’ve been dating for a little over three months and he seems so..happy. Obliviously happy. He even told me recently he hated me and I was an immature jealous pest. The jealous part he is accurate.

    I just don’t understand his angle. He supposedly dumped me because he didn’t want a relationship so serious. He wanted to see what other girls were like, he even chased girls all summer, this girl was just the first to say “yes”. I don’t understand how their relationship could be so much better than ours, or how I can just mean nothing, and how the word hate can be thrown around when he used to be so in love with me.

    Any thoughts?
    Again, I know this all might sound silly to you considering I’m still a kid, but I’ve never felt sheer heartbreak like this before, or envy.

    Thank you for letting me vent.

  75. Eric Johnson

    My GF of over 13 years dumped me last night over the phone. I am/was temporarily 2000 miles away completing what was to be a year long stint away. In only one week I am to be in our hometown, yet she couldn’t wait to tell me in person that she met someone in her substance abuse group. I supported and followed her all over the world as she persued her college career – for years and years. I’m gone 4 fucking months and this is how she repays me. I think AA is a cult – and by the way, I am not dependant on any drugs – and I almost saw this happening. New friends all together relearning their lives and a new philosophy. Anyone not involved is an outsider. Fuck AA. My partner of over 13 years was an athiest, but now believes in “a higher power”. The smart, educated woman I’ve spent my entire adult life with isn’t acting with any intelligence or clarity at all. Dumping the love of your life for some asshole you’ve known for 2 months. And it came with no discussion, or warning. Just kind of blind sided with a “this is the deal” kind of thing. I guess I should use this as proof I picked the wrong person, but I’m devastated regardless.

  76. thea Post author

    Well speaking as someone who was dumped (for someone else) by the so-called “love of my life” over a Trans-Atlantic call FOUR days before I was to return to the UK I feel your pain, hurt, anger, frustration, devastation, etc. I really do. I think it’s going to take a while for you to process that plethora of emotions and work on forgiving her, him, AA etc. Things always go the way they are supposed to even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. I think i carried my anger and bitterness around for about a year over this – but ironically a WEEK after it happened I knew 1) I wanted to make this experience “pay” (wrote that in my journal) in some way. E.G. Benefit from the painful experience by using it for a book, an article, a screenplay – whatever. and 2) that I needed to forgive him / her and his method in order to move on,…

    It’s my guess you’ll need to get to that place too – forgiveness and letting go of the bitterness but it’s just going to take a while. You’re just going to have to ride through the emotions – like a roller coaster – up and down…until eventually you can get to the place where you’re OK about what has transpired. Or of course you can choose not to, you can remain angry and bitter for the rest of your life – that’s always an option but I don’t recommend that one.

    My relationship had not been as long as yours – but I still was devastated. I thought I’d never get over it. I thought I’d be with him forever. When he dumped me for someone he knew a matter of months – EVERYONE said it wouldn’t last. I said it wouldn’t last and a dozen years ago it has lasted and you know what? I am GLAD. Glad he dumped me for someone who was clearly more of a soul mate than I was. Better that than being chucked away like a piece of garbage for someone who was a fling, you know?

    I got over it. You will too. I wish him the best. i am glad for the time I had with him because for ME at least – it was special. I can’t speak for him but no one can take away what we had when we had it and I am grateful I had it. It just didn’t happen to get to that point FAST. It took me a year or so to reach that all important forgiveness and gratitude.

    She wasn’t the WRONG person she was the right person for 13 years. Find the way to spin it positively in your own mind. I know you’re raw now and you’re gonna be for a while but please aim toward the goal of happiness and acceptance…

    You take care. x

  77. simon

    Well its been a week now since I was dumped on the phone. I posted a few days ago what happened. We are still in contact, se responds to my messages, asks for more time and space as she is under pressure. I guess the point of this is, there is no right or wrong way to dump someone. Hell I don’t even know if I really am dumped at this point. What I do know is that its painful, and it become more painful if the dumper doesn’t actually know if they want to do it or not. In my case I’m going to stick with it until the bitter end, probably because I’m stupid, but as Thea has said in some posts, she may not be right now, but she was right for two years, and I gained a lot out of those years together.

  78. Liz

    My boyfriend of over 3 years broke up with me last week, which completely blindsided me and created a huge cloud that I will carry with me throughout the holiday season. We had broken up once before about a year and a half ago. At that time, he wasn’t sure he could give me everything I wanted (marriage, a family) and he was feeling like he was “wasting my time”. It was odd, because I didn’t think I had been pressuring him per se, but I was open about things I wanted in the future (namely to settle down and have a family). But I wasn’t asking for him to do that anytime soon…

    We were broken up for four and a half months. Over that time, I wouldn’t say that I completely got over him, but I was moving on. I accepted that we had to go our separate ways, and started casually dating again (though I knew that I wasn’t ready to get back into a serious relationship yet). I ran into him a couple of times as we have some mutual friends, and we were cordial. Then one day, he asked to grab a drink and catch up, and basically ended up telling me he made the biggest mistake of his life, wanted me back and wanted to get married, have children – the whole thing. It was quite moving and also overwhelming. I thought about it for a long time and ultimately decided to give him a second chance, especially since he seemed so passionate about our life together (something that I hadn’t seen in him before).

    We dated for another year and a half, and then last week, he broke up with me again, in almost the same manner. He suddenly didn’t think he could deliver on the promises he had made when we started dating again. I was devastated, particularly since I had really believed that “this was it”…he was the one I would spend my life with. I had noticed that over the past few months, he was a little more selfish and wasn’t really moving towards settling down, but I assumed he was busy with work and volunteer activities.

    I just don’t know how someone can do a complete 180…what changed? I asked him, but he didn’t know. This break up seems harder because I had been convinced of his desire to have a life with me. And I hate that he did this during the holidays. While everyone is merry and excited, I’m sad, lonely and just want the holidays to be over so everyone would stop being so damn chipper. I normally love this time of year, and I’m so frustrated at him for ruining it. I hate feeling this way.

    I know this will pass – I know I will get back on my feet again in no time. But I hate waiting for my heart to stop hurting. I do have to say that the tips on this site are so helpful (there are things that I have done previously, but it’s nice to have them reinforced).

    I wish he didn’t have such AWFUL timing on this, though. I suppose there’s really no good time for a break up, though – right?

  79. Jo

    Hi Liz,
    Just read your story, and I could have written it myself. The exact same thing happened to me last month. I know how much it hurts, but you will get through it xx

  80. Angel

    I was dumped by my boyfriend (now an ex) yesterday over skype. We started a long distance relationship just two weeks after we started dating because he had to be in another country for grad school. We were in a good relationship until two months ago on my birthday he told me he wanted to take a break. He said he was overwhelmingly stressed with school work and job hunt and he just needed time to concentrate on his life. He was planning to be in town over christmas so he said we would be reconnecting in December. I wanted to be understanding to save the relationship so I agreed to the break. We were still keeping in touch and talking like every other day during the break. He came back last week and suddenly I felt he being really distant. I only saw him once last Sunday since he got back because he was busy looking for a job, writing his thesis and catching up with his family and friends. I know he is stressed so I didn’t want to urge him into meeting everyday, so we just talked a little bit everyday. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to ask because I somehow figured out he will probably give me an answer I didn’t want to hear. He stayed over when we met on Sunday and everything seemed fine although he was still a little distant so I just decided to give him some time and may be talk about the problem later. He was planning to spend the Christmas weekend with his family and I just asked him if he could spend the night of Christmas eve with me. And yesterday when I asked him again, he asked me to get on skype and told me that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He needs to concentrate with his life and relationship is the last thing on his priority list. He even said this is not really a break up because we were never over with our break. I knew by this point that nothing I say would change his mind. He told me he enjoyed being with me very much and it would be sad that we had to end any contact and he hope that we can still be good friends. Although I miss him alot but I think it’s best that I don’t keep in touch with me so I can forget him, right? I’ll see him in like two weeks because he’s an ex-colleague and he will be coming into my office to see my boss (don’t know how I will deal with that). I am just very sad that he did this twice to me (and angry at myself for letting him doing this to me twice) and especially once was on my birthday and the other was right before christmas. Now I am feeling all alone during this happy holiday. I know I should go out and hang out with my friends but I just can’t take the noise and seeing other couples right now.

  81. thea Post author

    I don’t really see it has him having done it to you twice. It’s hard breaking up, he wasn’t as solid as he could be I guess in the first instance. Yes it’s best to have a break before trying to have contact. By break I mean a healing period – giving you a chance to get over him. When he comes in you will hold your head high, be polite and strong. You’ll act as if you are doing fine – even if you don’t feel like you are. You may possibly be able to be friends but give yourself some time before even attempting it. Skyping, texting, calling, emailing etc – right now could just end up prolonging the pain…Right now the healing is paramount. Is there a possibility he’s met someone new at Grad School? This sorta sounds like it – like the reason he’s distant etc. Maybe or maybe not. Really it doesn’t matter anyway – it doesn’t change the current situation – namely you’re not currently together. Maybe in the future one day you will be. Maybe not. Either way you’ll be happy again. You will feel love again. Hang in there and just take it moment to moment for now. Take care x

  82. vilma

    Hey, I don’t know wether my situation is the same. My ex bf broke up with me 2 weeks ago. The breakup was nasty and the reason was silly. We were at my best friends place, who is a guy btw, and just playing around, I opened an adult video on his laptop. My bf dint like it, but he dint show any signs then, and I had no clue. My bf was pretty tired that day, so he went off to sleep after that. My best friend had work to do, so he left. Wheb I woke my bf up after 2 hours, he woke up and startd dressing in a totally stubborn angry manner. I had no. Clue wat happnd, so I kept askin him y he was angry, and aftr askin him about 5 tines, he answers that it was the video. I was shocked. Then he says in his anger that he never had feelings for me and he was settin me free and starts stormin out. Obv I try stoppin him, cos u can’t just say somethin like tat and leave, and he hits my head on the wall. In all the time iv been with him, I’d never seen this side of him. And it wasn’t him. The next day I tried callin him, but he dint pick up. I waited for another day, and calld him. But still no pick uo. So I went with my best friend to his place, and what happend after that was a big blame game, in which I took all the blame, and begge and pleaded, which I shldnt v done. He brought up things that were not at all even an issue back then. He said that he dint have any feelings for me. I died tat day. My ex never liked fights, who does, but he was weird. When he got angry at something, he dint want to talk about it for the whole day or tthe next or ever. Its like problems wouuld solve themselves for him..our first 2 fights were over this, and after all that I come to know this behaviour of his. And everytime we had a fight, he would always say I can’t ddo this anymore. I had to always convince him that disagreements happen, but this isn’t the end of everything. This is by far the biggest fight we v had, n tat too ovr a silly issue. But I still love him. But I don’t know how to get him back. He blockd me on fb. And I haven’t called him yet, but knowing his extent of stubborness, I doubt he’ll pick up the fone. We broke up, but I’m still so confused.

  83. thea Post author

    It was a little challenging reading your story because of the abbreviations and text speak.

    As hurt as you are, it sounds like this may be for the proverbial best – given his inability to communicate about issues that arise. You can’t have a relationship with anyone who won’t truly talk about their feelings, challenges, issues, etc. It’s impossible. Or you can but it’s going to be an untrue one where people aren’t expressing their true emotions/fears/feelings et al.

    Of course you love him, that won’t change, maybe not now, maybe not ever but you will get over it if you want to. You will be happy again. The love will change and you won’t always feel the pain.

    I know you WANT him back but really why? Why do you want to keep going against the grain to be with someone who says he doesn’t love you and who doesn’t want to talk to you about the issues whatever this was that triggered it (the video?)

    Stop trying to call him. Let him be. See if he makes the effort to contact you. Chasing him will chase him further away so do be strong.

    Take care and trust that it’s all going to unfold just fine. It doesn’t feel like it right now but please trust me – it will.


  84. Chloe

    Hi Thea, I guess all of us find ourselves on this page as we’ve all had our hearts broken, and are struggling to find our answers, closures or peace. But it’s nice to know that one is not alone in situations such as these, and it’s also nice of you to attempt to answer each and every or the replies though we’re just mere strangers to you =)

    Anyway so here’s my story. I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago and since then, I’ve been struggling a lot. There are days when everything seem pretty optimistic, when I would feel like, hey, I think I’m over him, while there are other days when the tears just can’t seem to stop and I just can’t seem to stop thinking about him. Songs, places or even scents would just trigger memories of him. I’m starting to get weary of such fluctuating moods, and I know that although friends and family would always be supportive, I don’t really wanna to keep repeating the same sob story as I’m afraid that people might find it bothersome after a while.

    I met my ex around may this year at a bar, and our relationship progressed pretty quickly. He was my first bf, and also the first guy I slept with. Frankly, I wasn’t that into him in the first place, but I admit I was flattered by his attention. After spending some time with him, I found myself falling for him, though I felt that he’s not the person I would marry, as I felt that we differ in many ways. He’s from another country, and speaks another main language. We’re of different races, religions and educational background. Although I was already aware of all of these right from the start of the relationship, I didn’t want to think about it as I was in love, and such differences appeared to be trivial at that point in time.

    He always made me feel loved, and I felt as if he loved me much more than I loved him. We had two major ‘fights’ when we were together, the first time it was cause he was jealous that I’m attending lectures with a close male friend, and another, cause he felt that he did not matter a lot to me as I did not show him enough concern/ attention. And both times after the fight, he was the one who would try to patch things up, claiming that he couldn’t live without me. He even called at 2am and was crying on the phone, drunk, threatening to jump off a building should I leave him. And both times after we made up, I observed that he had not changed his sheets when I went to his place. He told me that he couldn’t bear to change them as the sheets still had my scent. And sometimes when I slept over at his place, I would see him watching me sleep when I woke up. Thus, I felt that his feelings for me were genuine and it wasn’t just cause he was after sex (which I had accused him of in the beginning when we just got together).

    About three months ago, shortly after we had made up from our second fight, he had to return to his home country for three weeks due to certain family problems, and so I patiently awaited his return though the three weeks felt like eons to me. However when he returned, he told me that he missed me when he was away (I hadn’t heard from him during the three weeks as the internet connection at his country was bad, or at least according to him), but he did not express any eagerness to meet me, though I was dying to see him. And I thus let him know that I was upset by ignoring his text. When I’d cooled down and called him again, he did not answer his call. In all, he ignored me for a complete week and I was like clueless as to what the heck was going on with him and so I decided to break up with him, as I was tired of him ignoring me (it was not the first time) without any explanation. I told him that we should talk things through if there are problems and he shouldn’t just ignore me like I don’t exist.

    A few days after I broke up with him, I found out (sort of through facebook) that he was already married. I was devastated and couldn’t believe my ears, as I had never suspected. I called him to clarify, and he hung up when he heard my voice. So I texted him saying that I found out he was already married and that whether he thought it was amusing, stringing me along all these time. I also demanded an explanation. He replied that he was engaged and not married and that he would email me.

    So that night, he emailed me to apologise for his actions, and he asked me to believe him for one last time, that he didn’t want to hurt me intentionally by lying to me, but he said he had fallen for me at that time. He said that he still misses and loves me, said that I will forever be a part of his life. I replied him that he’s a jerk, and asked him to be good to his fiance.

    And since then, I hadn’t heard from him and I’ve felt like a wreck. I know that he acted like an ass, but I just can’t help missing him so much. There are times when I would even gladly have him back despite knowing that he’s already engaged/ married ( I know I sound selfish), as the pain is just too unbearable, I’d rather have the easy way out. Right now I’m starting to doubt if he’s ever loved me before, or he’s just out for sex.

  85. steve

    This is my first time on this site, but I’ve already found the 10 tips very helpful. Me and my girlfriend were going steady for about year, maybe a little bit more. Before that we had a number of “problems”, “break-ups” and the like. She had a bad experience with a lot of people in the past. Met the wrong guys, they used her and dumped her. I was trying the be that one guy who finally treated her right. And all seemed to be going well. Untill newyears eve. Lots of phone calling that night… anyways, january 1st I was single again for the first time in awhile. Her reason for leaving me was that she believed that she just wanted to be alone. And that I didn’t do anything wrong, but I can’t help but think it was my fault.
    See the problem is… she has OCD (obsesive compulsive disorder) and I can’t ususlly tell anyone that. She goes through… episoded, of immense depression and sadness, where she isint herself. Usually I sopt when these episodes are happening, and I can react likewise. But this time seeme different. She isint sad or depressed it seems, she just doesent want to be in a relationship. I don’t know wether not not shell turn around and ill realize that it was just another episode. Or to treat it like she acually doesent want to be with me anymore. I’m hurting like any breakup, and I wanna delete the old messages and pack up all her stuff in a box. But I can’t help but think maybe she’s just overreacting. My mind hurts lol.

  86. Bill


    I discovered this site recently, and I was impressed with the amount of good information I found.
    I was hoping to get some advice regarding my situation.
    I had been with my ex girlfriend for over 3 years. We started dating when she was a freshman in college and continued dating until this past September, when she started grad school. She is an international student, and was a bit culture shocked by the USA. Furthermore, being alone in this country, she didn’t really have anyone to go to for many of her issues/problems. I was more than a boyfriend to her, I was also her friend, her family, her taxi driver, basically the person she would go to for everything and anything.
    When she told me she wanted to break up (back in September) she said that she still wanted to be friends, since I was such an awesome person, and since I mean to much to her. She said she loved coming over to my apartment, cooking together, watching movies together, and sleeping together.
    Since I considered her my best friend, confidant and lover, I accepted these terms. We continued talking almost everyday, seeing each other on weekends, she would come over to my place,we would go out to dinner, go to the movies, make a weekend out of it. We spent Thanksgiving, XMass, and new years together.
    In a way things were great, I was spending time with her, having fun, enjoying great sex and everything. It was a breakup in name only.
    I did ask her a couple of times if she was seeing someone else, or hooking up with people, or anything along those lines. I felt like I had a right to know about these things, since she was coming into my house, sharing a bed w/ me, and having sex (sometimes unprotected). While emotionally she could do whatever she wanted, I feel like I have the right to know who I am getting intimate with due to health concerns.

    The one weird thing, she got a lot busier as time went by, and she became a lot more concerned about her image, looks and so on. She also started talking about some guys a lot more, and telling me about them and so on. While at my place she would text back and forth with them a lot, or spend hours on facebook chat.
    She come over for Christmas, and again was texting on the phone. Eventually I got very suspicious/curious and when she was in her shower, I read some of her texts. It turns out she has been dating at least one guy and had sex with him for sure. Texts included things they wanted to do with each other in bed, and so on. Basically the sort of sexting that gets teenagers and celebrities in trouble. Also, she was complaining to her friends about getting dumped by some guy after hooking up with him. She also was sending text to her male roommate a lot, sometimes things like “i am not coming to bed yet” or “will be home soon if you want to wait up” and other things like that. While the text to the roommate aren’t plain black and white, given the context, I assume she slept with him too.

    Knowing this, I asked here several times if she was seeing someone else, hooking up with someone else, or if there was any sex with anyone. The whole time, she kept lying to my face, telling me there was nothing going on with anyone. As much as the emotional hurt of being replaced, I was angry w/ her for lying to me, and more upset for having sex with other people, and letting me have unprotected sex with her. I felt like I should have been given a heads up at least to wear a condom or something.
    So after a long background story, my actual question is what to do with my new found information. Tell her what I know, show her I am not as big of a fool or idiot as she thinks I am. One text that really hurt was to the guy she is dating, telling him I have no idea what is going on, and she has been fooling me no problem.
    Part of me wants to make her pay, get some revenge, and really hurt her in some way, for taking advantage of me, and lying to me.
    I also realize, that while throwing it in her face will make me happy for a bit, I will not get anything out of it long term. Plus I am a kind person, so I will probably feel bad for being such a jerk and will end up calling her to apologize. I guess I am bitter my kindness and good will was taken advantage of.
    If I don’t say/do anything about the truth, I have two options:
    1) I can either keep having her come over from time to time, like a booty call. Get some free sex when I can, and protect myself both emotionally and physically from her, since I know the truth. Treat her purely as someone to have sex w/ and nothing more.
    2) Stop seeing her all together and while I may miss out on some great sex, at least I don’t have to worry about picking up something, or have the sick feeling in my stomach, wondering who she is hooking up with and then coming into my bed.

    Sorry for the long story, but if you have any suggestions on what would be the best thing for myself, I would love to hear it.
    Thank you

  87. thea Post author

    I wasn’t going to write until maybe tomorrow (jetlagged still and heading for bed) but my thought is – pack up anything that’s hers. Put it in a box. Hand it to her when next she comes by and say “Cheerio”. Seriously you do not need that. I’m with you – it’s bad enough to be sleeping around and putting you in danger as a result but the lying to your face. Technically she can sleep with whomever she chooses but the lying I too would have difficulty with. It’s a case of cake and eating it too.

    I don’t personally feel you should have any sort of scene or revenge. More of a cool, calm and collected “here are your things please don’t contact me again. I wish you the best” yadda yadda.

    We all do whatever works for us so if you do want to “have it out” in some way with her then by all means do what you can but I think handling it civilly, like a gentleman even though she’s not treated you as such, and give her pause to think “omg what have I done letting this guy go”.

    Start making an effort yourself, too. A new shirt or two that she’s not seen – if she does come over to get any stuff that may be at yours. If she doesn’t have any stuff at yours next time you speak say “Listen I care about you and have enjoyed our time together but it’s time we’re both moving on, I think we both know that. I am moving on, I am sure you are too. I wish you my best” type of thing. Words to that effect.

    I think she’s gonna miss you as a guess. Sure the grass SEEMS greener over there but it’s not really. She’s going to be the common denominator so whatever didn’t work out with you – will be issues with these guys too!

    She’s young. She wants to try people on. That’s fair enough but the less you know about it the better. You will benefit from time apart. Right now the trust is obliterated as a result of this anyway. A cheater is bad enough but to add liar into the mix she’s clearly not the person you’d thought she was. And there will be other women out there who don’t lie and cheat on their partners. OK?

    So cool, calm, collected and cheerio! That’s my two cents. Go with your gut. Only you know what’s really “right” for you. No one else does. We all just have opinions and our own perspectives on things like this.

    Good luck, and goodnight.

    Thea 🙂

  88. Bev

    Eighteen months ago my ex begged me to go back with him after a 7 year break, he had cheated on me with an ex so I was left with no roof over my head (it was his house) not able to see my step kids and he had stolen money from my credit cards and had changed the name on my sports car, etc I ended up finding a housing association flat in a very rough area and threatening neighbours while he lived a luxurious life with his new girlfriend. I then had to go bankrupt because I could afford to pay all the debts he had left me with as they were in my name. So after all that when he got in touch I let him back in to my life, he said he wouldnt do it again to me etc etc etc – I bet you can guess what I am going to say next – yes you are right he has been cheating on me again, I feel like everyone is laughing at me for trusting him again, what do I do wrong ?? Why can men not be honest and why can they not be happy with just one women, yes we all get tempted by others but if you truley love someone you just dont mess about and do the dirty on people, if you dont love someone just tell them straight away they can get over the rejection far easier than being cheated on and needing answers like “Why” ?? I need to meet new friends now to start to socialise with and get on with my life so anyone out there from Wolves and in the same position please get in touch. Thanks for reading.

  89. thea Post author

    >> I feel like everyone is laughing at me for trusting him again, what do I do wrong ??

    Well for starters if anyone IS laughing at you they are not worthy in your life. If they’re not in your life they’re opinion is worthless anyway…But I doubt anyone is laughing at you.

    You clearly loved this person the first and likely never truly stopped loving him.

    If I can put it into words, I’ll write an article about cheating for the BLOG. But essentially I’d like to say that someone else’s cheating on you says more about THEM then it does you. The trouble is when we’re cheated on we make it our issue instead of seeing it as theirs.

    >> Why can men not be honest and why can they not be happy with just one women,

    It’s not a gender thing it’s a PEOPLE thing. Some PEOPLE just can’t be honest and leave the one before the cheat on them.

    You take some time, heal, focus your energy on yourself, your life, your goals and not trying to work out why he did what he did or what might be wrong with you. You had no control over him doing what he did – only what you do from this.

    Please just learn, grow, heal and move on. Let go of the anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, jadedness, and disillusionment.

    Chalk it up to experience and vow not to go back for a 3rd go! 🙂

    Hugs x

  90. Tulip

    I dont want to live anymore. Its been more than 6 months and now I know for sure he is not coming back to me. I am trying so hard to move on… Few hours I feel okay then again hit rock bottom… will this curse ever get over……..

  91. thea Post author

    Tulip…why don’t you want to live anymore? Do you really want to give someone else who is not even in your life the power over you? Over whether you live or die? 6 mos after how long of a relationship? I reckon it can take 2 years to get over an important one (up to two years…). & that doesn’t mean you will feel CRAP for two years but that you can experience “setbacks” well on down the road. So give yourself a break. Often to people like you – I say “I don’t expect you to be OVER IT but by now I expect you to want to be.” Do you WANT to be? Or are you just clinging tight to the victim suit – walling in the misery? What are you doing to move on? You say you are trying “so hard”. How so? It’s an ebb and flow process hon, one step forward two back. Keep on keeping on. Dare to picture a life of happiness and love again. You’ll get there. Just keep on going through it…to the other side x

  92. Tulip

    thanks for reponse thea. I really want to move on…and not that I am not trying. I am keeping myself busy with work, have joined gym, trying to meet friends more often, sleeping with my light and TV on… and I feel okay for some time but its really difficult for me… We work same team differnent coutries ( thanks to globalization), I cant avoid him completely.

  93. thea Post author

    Honey, you’re doing great. You just have to keep on doing what you’re doing. At least with dieting you have a scale with which to measure your progress. Break ups, you don’t. But you’re doing all the right things, so I am confident that you’re doing better than it sometimes feels like, inside yourself. Start to write your feelings down each night and on down the road you can compare your feelings…You will be amazed at the progress that way! Seriously, it works for me! I look back to how I felt even one year back and the difference is remarkable. Imagine how you’ll feel next January! Could be in a new job, or new home or new relationship or anything. One of my guy friends (in his 40s) that was single last year is expecting his first kid with his girlfriend of one year!

    So dare to dream a bit…What is it you actually want in life? Think on that. Dream on it a bit!

  94. tulip

    thanks Thea.. I am sure he was the one .. my soulmate… it was only one & half relationship and we hardly spent 50 days together… god… I luved him so much.. we also planned on getting married at some point… but last July, he said he is not into it… long distance relationship .. huh.. guess very difficult for some people .. and I made all mistake person being dumped can possibly do.. kept calling him .. being angry, needy.. he kept cutting me off… now I really want to move on.. but I have lost so much of my self respect … I just wish I can go back in time and wipe off past…

  95. thea Post author

    >> I am sure he was the one .. my soulmate

    Hon, that’s a real DANGEROUS line of thinking…Might I suggest a slight mental to shift to him being ONE not THE ONE. I personally believe we have many soul mates (male and female) who we share deep connections with. If I thought there was only ONE “the one” – I’d drive to nearest bridge and jump off it because frankly what else is there to live for if not for the HOPE for love in our future.

    You can’t go back in time. Unfortunately. But you can learn from it. Work on that esteem and if ever in the future you start feeling like chasing someone after someone who goes – you’ll maybe respond different.

    One thing I’ve learned in a decade of this site is that we are all just doing the best we can with the skills and tools we’ve been given or acquired – and as we grow and learn – we do better. The good news is – you are going to learn heaps from this and it’s going to HELP you in the future. If you want it to anyway.

    you’ve not LOST anything – not a thing and least of “self respect” because that’s merely a THOUGHT in your head. The good news about THAT is you can change your thinking any time. Go to YouTube and find some Byron Katie videos to watch. She changed my life forever with her “Work”.

  96. Tulip

    Hey Thea, your reply makes so much of sense and I wish I would have known this site earlier…. can you give some suggestions on what should I do when I hit rock bottom on and off…..

  97. John

    She said she loves me and that she’ll always love me, but she just “didn’t love who we were together”. Okay so let me get this straight, If I love you and you love me (always) then we’re unlovable together? What? Clearly this doesn’t make any sense at all. It is probably a lie, or at least a kind of evasion. Maybe by this she means that she doesn’t love an image she has about our relationship, a made up idea that means something to her, which was probably a fiction and lacks the full objective realities about our relationship. What is this image or idea? And why has she been drawn to it? What makes it such a convincing representation of what our love is?

    Apparently she felt that these additional questions and reflections weren’t relevant in the email she just sent me. 5 and a half years and she can’t even summon up the care to think about what she is saying to me right now? Sure, it’s upsetting, but really? You can’t get in touch with what’s really going on inside you and have the courage to be straight about it. I’ve been insistent on communication and transparency, but I think she’d rather delude herself with her tears than be responsible for her feelings and thoughts toward me.

    I’m not going to say that this is entirely a ‘female’ problem, but I’d certainly say, in my experience, it is more prevalently the girl who prides her self in ‘feeling’ and having such a gentle and sensitive heart but carefully ignores her own thinking and personal choosing throughout a relationship. Senseless. Heartless. Deceptive.

    All I can hear is Thom Yorke’s voice singing “Just cause you feel it, doesn’t me it’s there”. Yes well I am so green and lonely now, but after a subtly deceitful explanation as that, I can’t help but not hold her in such a high regard. I mean, come one, stop trying to keep the nice girl image and just admit that you really don’t love me and wont always love me and that you’re actually in the process of murdering something we’ve been growing for almost 6 years now. And stop crying whenever I bring these things to light, as if I had to dance around your feelings when you’re doing something like this to me.

    Gosh, so two-faced and insincere. Maybe there is a girl out there who’s finally ready to engage in an authentic and vulnerable relationship, one that speaks directly the desires of her heart and actually has the strength and integrity to love an Other rather than forgetting them in their own twisted self-absortption. Maybe, I’ll just have to see…

  98. Sophie

    I’m fourteen, I know you think this is too young to be in love but I’ve had bad experiences with relationships and I was wondering where I’m going wrong and how to avoid making the same mistakes? My first boyfriend was Dan. Dan told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me forever, I trusted him. I had sex with him, it was my first time. After my first time he was really quiet and I left quite early. He never spoke to me again, he didn’t even dump me, I was so hurt. My next boyfriend was Connor. We was together for a few months, we had several arguments but we always said sorry within minutes. I go to school with him and one day I didn’t go in because I was sick and I got a text saying ‘we need to have words’ so I said please don’t dump me face to face. He later messaged me saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but I never got a reason why. I asked him several times but he just ignores me and it hurts so much to see him at school everyday.

  99. OneDay

    After a year and a half of dating, my ex dumped me. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first man I ever fell in love with, and we had plans to get married. He had been going through a tough time and one night I just had a feeling. In the morning I asked him if he was going to dump me, and right then and there he broke up with me… Over text… Right before my hardest final… And refused to answer his phone or see me.
    I was so sure he was my soulmate… But everything happens for a reason, and who knows, someday soon I might find the perfect man for me.
    He wants to be friends, and I want to to! But I jusr found out that he is dating someone else, so I have no idea what to do…
    One day at a time I guess

  100. thea Post author

    I am sorry Sophie. I’ve been meaning to reply but am juggling many things just now.

    Well 14 does seem young to be having sex to be honest, and not likely it has ever been “love” yet – more like lust. You’re certainly not alone in having sex with people that get what they want and leave. It’s pretty common all over the world. There is almost no one at 14 that can say the word “forever” and mean it about anything. Most people at 20 can’t. Heck I don’t think anyone can say and truly mean it. We don’t know how we’re going to feel, think, act or anything in our future. There is no forever. There is only the NOW.

    I have been a little boy crazy my whole life and it took many years for me to have a lasting relationship (and my first sex)…I waited until I was just past 20 before I did have sex because I wanted to be with someone I knew who would be there the next day. I am glad I waited. Now you’ve done it already – so that’s fine but with the next guy – do your best to take your time. If some guy is pressuring you to have sex, no matter how much you like him – don’t do it until YOU are ready.

    And always make sure you’re using protection, by that I mean condoms, because there are so many sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies going on here now. Because so many people aren’t so knowledgable so they’re passing diseases around and getting babies when they’re 15 or 16 – in many ways still babies themselves.

    So please be careful will you? Go easy on yourself. Value yourself. And don’t assume there is anything wrong with you. People do what you’re describing to many people across all ages – men women gay or straight…There’s not necessarily anything “wrong” that you’re doing ok?

    Just maybe focus on friends and school work just now. you have a lifetime to find that love. Just enjoy being a teen as much as you can (I know it’s hard). You’re ok hon. Just keep on keeping on. Hold your head up high and don’t show the guy you care 🙂


  101. thea Post author

    Well you sound great – all things considered hon! I guess there are a few good things to take away here. First it’s your attitude which impresses me quite a lot. 2nd he could have just cheated behind your back but he didn’t, he told you. He was A soul mate no doubt but not THE soul mate. I personally believe you will have many who fit that description in your life. It seldom is a case of it being “the one” no matter how much we hope and believe there is such a thing.

    One day at a time – for sure yes. Friends. Maybe in time. Right now it’d be a head-f**k for either of you to try and not that great for the new person either.

    You’ll love again. You’ve a great attitude that will see you through x

  102. giana

    so a few months ago a met this guy over a dating web page – it was my first time into one of these sites- we started talking over emails, then text, facebook..eventually we agreed to meet…first day was great…im on my late 20’s and he is 32 both of us recently divorced but i dont have any kids..he does..anyway we dated for 3 months or so..he started a lil intense already making plans to take vacations together..he introduced me to his kids but as a babysitter – i know now that i should of have run after that- then in the last month he started to become distant and i also found out that his profile on the dating page was still activated in fact he was checking it on daily basics..i finally got the courage and asked him if everything was k…- he was the one asking me to be “exclusive”- and he went on saying yea we are cool no worries…we even spent all thanksgiving weekend together..i made dinner for us and some of his friends…then around xmas…i barely got to see him on xmas day..we only went out for present, no nothing..after that i didnt hear from him for a week! not even a greeting on new years…by that time i pretty much assumed it was over i didnt even text or call him…i waited…i couldnt wait anymore and i sent him a text asking him what happend if everything seemed to be going so great… he even asked me to move in with him- he got a job promotion and had to leave to other state-anyway he text me back next day saying ..- it became pretty obvious you wanted more than i could give you, i need to get with you and get my drill set…..i was like wtf!!! he was the one asking to be exclusive, planning vacations together, asking me to move in w him..iv never asked for any of that..i even tried to help him and whenever he needed a babysitter i was there to help…anyway i met him to gave him his stupid drill i didnt even say a thing..actually i had my whole speech planned but when i met him he barely said hello to me ..or even looked at me..i swallowed all my words and my tears..just smile ..gave him his rusty drill – funny cus he brags about all the money he makes but then he is all whining for a rusty drill that doesnt even work- n left…i dont know what i did wrong..i really liked him, we never had a disagreement and i never asked for anything…n yes i know he is a jerk and all that but still bothers me, still hurts…that day when i saw him i felt so much pain and i felt so vulnerable … whats wrong with guys???? now im just taking a break from dating !!…oh did i mention that he even told me that he love me??? i never said anything back cus it was over text n he was away on a trip..and drinking that day so i assumed it was just the alcohol and mixed emotions cus he just got divorced…

  103. thea Post author

    Ahhh a drill. That’s funny. You’re hurting now but eventually you’ll be able to regal friends and acquaintances with that story. I know cos I got accused of “stealing” an “electric saw” myself. When in fact my ex just had it in some box in that house we just had bought a month prior. LOL. I also got accused of stealing CD racks which had housed my CDs for the better part of three years (he had like 10 CDs – I have about 3,000)…So I laugh now but yes it hurt at the time.

    Anyway – he’s not a bad guy. Inept at dealing with emotions / communications – perhaps but not likely a “bad” guy in the great scheme of things. How long had he been single after his divorce? And yourself?

    In a sitch like this we torment ourselves with memories and replaying everything trying to work out what WE did wrong when often it’s not about us. Even his saying you wanted too much etc – was just his projection onto you.

    I’d just try to find the good you got out of it and take them away with you – the dates, the sex, the fun times, and be grateful you had some of them for a while.

    Don’t punish yourself or berate yourself because he chose to walk….because he couldn’t handle it.

    If he’s moving away then good. Good luck to him. He was your transition person and maybe you’re his. In any event I’d try to see it that it lasted as long as it was supposed to.

    And the next guy you “bring in” (to your life) bring in one who can handle communication and emotions.

    It’s all good. Even though it hurts right now – it’s helped your growth. It’s helped you to learn some things about yourself and about your interactions. It won’t have been a waste of time even though it stings right now.

    This is NOT about you. OK? Repeat that after me “this is not about me”. It’s about HIM and what he was or was not able to handle.

    Take care, Thea x

  104. Louise

    So I thought this may help the healing process…
    My breakup happened over a year ago now. We had been together for 3 years, I thought I was happy, I thought it was my first love – maybe it was, or maybe my memory plays tricks on me. I received a call 4 days before my birthday after us not having spoken for around a week. It was over. No why. It just was. That was it. I practically begged, I wasn’t humiliated because I wanted to know I’d done every possible thing to save this. I did. And it didn’t make it any better, he still didn’t want to continue the relationship. I asked for him to meet me in person as I thought it would give me closure (!) , so we met, in a train station and he cried. I didn’t. It was sad, really sad. But I still never knew why it ended. It just had to end apparently. So I left on the train. He hugged me and I just stood there numb.
    He sent me a birthday card – with a picture of Paris (where we had first met), how apt I thought. Yet I still couldn’t throw it away.
    So then around 6 weeks later I received an email – I don’t even remember now what it said (I deleted it straight after reading to avoid torturing myself). I never replied.
    Later I found out that he was with a girl that he had known when we were together. Naturally, I imagined that they must have been together whilst we were – I’ve never had the occasion to ask.
    The problem is, I’m proud. I never wanted to contact him again as I knew that not contacting him was the only chance I would have of hurting him. Yet maybe I’ve just ended up hurting myself as over a year later I’m still as clueless as to why the relationship ended.
    Through therapy I have been able to see the reality of the relationship, but still there is this feeling that I can’t let go of what happened. I think regularly about contacting him – I must have at least 6 letters that I have never sent. Some days I think I should send them, then the pride kicks in and I don’t.

  105. thea Post author


    >> I’m still as clueless as to why the relationship ended.

    I’ll tell you why it ended – because he met someone else he fancied more Simple as that.

    I know because I had the *same thing* happen to me. (Also had his MOTHER tell me that same thing, so I know it smarts, but sadly it’s true,…)

    There is no answer. There is NOTHING he can tell you that will make you feel BETTER about the situation. He won’t have a black and white answer that you’ll be able to wrap your head around.

    In fact, he may not even know why he chose to go down that route with her. Most people are clueless of their actions / patterns anyway.

    When it happened to me, I went through exactly the process you are. I actually made excuses for him. “He must have gotten scared as we’d just bought this big family home” yadda yadda…but the fact was – he met someone else he liked better at that moment. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen.

    My ex, AFAIK, is with her more than a decade later and I am glad. It means he left me for his “soul mate”. Good luck to him / them. Better than getting dumped for a fling.

    …But I can tell you that his leaving is not likely that it was down to YOU – the fact you weren’t tall enough, short enough, funny enough, smart enough, thin enough, fat enough, gorgeous enough, rich enough, blah blah blah…

    There is no “answer” to why someone chooses someone different – and “closure” is this allusive thing we look for, but I don’t personally believe we ever truly find. The answers we need to come up with ourselves.

    So I’d suggest you stop asking “why” this happened, and start asking how you’re a better, stronger, more savvy person as a result.

    In other words as better questions. How you can turn this experience into something wonderful.

    You’re a year down the road. You’ve had therapy. He was in your life for as long as he was meant to and now it’s a case of moving on to something wonderful. OK?

  106. Coco

    My break up happened over a year ago. I divorced my husband after over 6 years of marriage. I got tired of the lieing, stealing,gambling and everything thing else that comes with dealing with someone with a habit. But what’s worse is these feelings of loneliness and the thought of him being with another women. This other women being married herself, with 4 kids by 3 different men.

    I went through so much with this man..from abuse, his gambling addiction, him taking my money, losing jobs and lieing about how he lost them. He put me through a lot but I would always stay. He made me believe I couldn’t make it on my own and I always felt vulnerable because im in a state that im not from so he was able to control me until I woke up one day and said to myself, “I can do this on my own.”

    Things really got bad when i found out that he’d taken all my bill money to gamble. Im talking $3,ooo worth of bill money. My lights got cut off, I could have lost my truck and worse my health was affected by the amount of stress that put me under. I was sooooo depressed and i felt defeated by him.

    All i could think about is how can someone do this to the person they say they love? How can you treat someone so horribly? When i left our home in 2009 he begged me not to leave..but i did. I felt like this is what i had to do to make sure me and my child ( who’s by a previous man) had stability. I feared every day that the bank was gonna come take our home. He wasn’t holding down a job and because my name was not on the loan, I could never get information regarding the status of our mortgage payments. I could never trust what he said because he would always lie. He would tell me everything was ok..but i knew better.

    Then on one of my last night in my home, he withdrew all the money i had on a pre paid debit card. He lied and said that one of his friends took my money. I yelled and cried because he thought i was an idiot to believe that when a pin number has to be used to withdraw money. This is when i made my great escape. I barrowed money from family members to get away from him. I was gone in two weeks or so. When he realized i was leaving, he begged me to come. He pleaded with me. Tried to negotiate with me. He even acted as if he was gonna get revenge on this so called friend who took my money. It was a sad and desperate act on his part and i felt bad looking at this 40 year old man who was losing everything around him. His wife, i sent motorcycles back, his truck got repoed and he had no job. I felt horrible. But i tried.

    I went through this for about 4 yrs and i just couldn’t take it anymore. After i left him, i did what so many women do. I let him move in with me. Big mistake. But i loved him..after all he was my husband. And he was a provider at one point in time. I think he got sucked in to that nasty life of gambling and who knows what else.

    After he moved in with me, his old ugly habits resurfaced. Barrowing money from, cell phone was always getting cut off. Little things from my apt went missing. We argued a lot and his behavior was always suspicious. I finally put him out when he stole some items from a family members house. I was embarressed and devestated.

    I never thought my marriage would end like that. This was a very dark moment for me because this man make a complete 360. He was not the man i met in 2004. Or was he? I always ask myself this question. Was he always this way and his true colors finally came out? IDK…but i went forward with my divorce last year because after putting him out in 2010, I discovered that this is when he put me behind in my bills $3000. He had also sold all of my stuff i left in my house when i moved out. Im talking salon dryer/chair, grill, workout equipment, my son’s basketball goal. He even sold all the appliances that came with the house. YES! He sold it all.

    This was all a slap in my face. So the beginning of my story is basically my end. I just wanted to add the meat and potatoes of it all just so i can get some sound advice on how to handle these feelings i have. I feel angry, sad, depressed, defeated, confused and lonely. I’ve dated a few guys but i don’t want to jump into another relationship when i don’t feel like im ready.

    My ex lives with one of his family members and the few times i’ve seen him have been awkward. We don’t speak. And like i said, he’s seeing someone who has baggage herself. But i find myself wondering if he thinks about what he did. And if he feels bad about? I know we will never get back together but i miss the person i met. Was that the real “HIM” i don’t know. But i miss what was and not what he has become. I think too much about his new relationship and how he is with her. I don’t like doing this but i can’t help it.

    I read on this site a blog about being replaced and it offered some good advice. It said something about if he had characteristic flaws when he was with me, he will still have them in his new relationship. He basically moved on into this relationship with this new girl in 3 months. So he neve gave himself time to get himslef together. I just want to get over these negative feelings and thoughts. Please help

  107. Dante

    My girlfriend of 4 years (2007-2011) graduated back in May of 2011 and was forced to move away due to her not finding a career here and me moving back home due to expenses. Over the years, I’ve developed to grow more into her and love her as a person, then as a lover. I take my time when it comes to developing these things because I’ve been hurt by the girl before her and she and I never dated. She led me on only to find out that she was dating someone else I didn’t know about. It literally broke my heart…and I never wanted to feel pain like that ever again…

    When 2007 rolled around, I started dating the aforementioned girlfriend. She was smart, pretty and a bit shy, but I felt like I was ready to date someone and actually establish a relationship with someone. She was a bit young. I was 24 at the time and she was 19, going on 20. On top of that, I was her first boyfriend. So due to her inexperience, you can see why she was very shy. I basically taught her to go through the basics of dating and went really slow at this with her. Besides, like I said, I like taking my time at these things because I was hurt by someone before her.

    Our first date was us watching the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I knew she was stoked about it, so I treated her to go out and see it for our first date. Coincidentally, another close friend of mine was on a date with one of her high school friends (she went to an all-girls Catholic school) watching the same movie. I talked to my friend for a bit and he told me how the date was going….apparently, not so well. The girl wasn’t interested in him and they just remained friends. That same day, he befriended my girlfriend and they talked for a bit and she and I went on our merry way.

    I spent four, wonderful, memorable years with this girl. We did almost everything together. There were times were things were just a little rough, but I stuck with it and wanted to keep things going with her because I loved her so much. She was a big part of my life and I wanted her to share more of it. We lived together for almost three years and everything was perfect!

    But there was a time coming up ahead where I knew she was graduating from college…and she still didn’t find any work at the moment. If she were to continue without work, she would have to move back home with her parents up in Tennessee. As much as I did not want that to happen, I feared that it was inevitable. So when graduation day rolled around, she was forced to move the next day. We decided to stay together through the distance and the following week, I made a surprise visit up there to see her. She was happy and so was I. It felt like the good times once again. We spent a load of time together up until the day I had to leave. I promised her that we would work it out for us to be permanently together again. But once I got home, things started hitting me HARD.

    She was away from me again…and I had that complete sense of separation anxiety. I stressed about it to her on the phone and she knew how much I missed her. She told me everything was going to be okay, but for the sake of me not stressing out so much about it, she proposed that we be friends until we figured out a plan on how we’re going to be together again. This time, for good. She promised me that she would look into it herself and that when we’re both ready, we can make our decision….together. I really didn’t know what to say, but I told her that we’d work it out and develop a plan for the both of us to be together.

    Time went on and we both developed a plan and I was the first to propose it to her. But then, the unthinkable happened: She told me that she just wanted to be friends with me. I felt my heart DROP and my body went soon afterwards. I was choked up, unsure of what to say. I asked her why and she just said that she needed to “focus on her career.” I asked her if there was any way to handle both her career and our relationship and she said no. I felt heartbroken, devastated and empty. But that was just the beginning of my nightmare.

    The very next day, we get into a little argument about it which led me to tell her that I just couldn’t bear the fact that if I see her with someone else down the line, it would destroy me because I was still in love with her. After reaching this settlement, we decided the no contact rule. She blocked me from Facebook…and that’s when it happened.

    Remember the guy I mentioned that we saw at the theater on our first date? Well apparently, during her time away, he was keeping in touch with her through texts and Skype. He knew how I felt about her and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but he went after her anyway and took her away from me. The day she blocked me was the day they posted themselves as “engaged” on Facebook. After hearing this news from the start, it, like I said, totally destroyed me. I took off work for a week and went away under the wing of friends to help me comfort the unbearable pain I was feeling inside. I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore, like she was all that I hoped for. And after four years, she does something like this to me with a close friend of mine behind involved as well. You’re just left wondering how could she do something like that to me after all the memories we’ve had together?

    I broke NC several times just wondering why she did it. I left a voicemail, no response. I left a text, no response. I left a text again, then I got a phone call from him. He was all ignorant on the phone towards me and I told him basically that he was nothing to me and I hung up on him. Not too long after that, she called me. I told her that I had two questions for her, but she immediately dismissed me by saying that she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment and would talk about it later. Little did I know, he was on the phone as well, completely silent. In the end, I never got to ask her my questions and all she said was “I’ll talk to you about it later.”

    Later has been over three months now. And from what I’ve gathered, she changed her phone number. Yet, there are still photos of me and her everywhere on her page! I don’t get it! Why still keep me around? Also, their “engaged” status was fake! It was only a normal relationship set up by him just to make me feel even worse than before. She was manipulated into this, but I later found out that it was only just a relationship. This guy is definitely no good for her and she knows it. She also realizes that she did me wrong, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. As much as I would hate to let go, I know that I have to to move forward. Her own father even agrees that it’s wrong and he loves me only because I’ve been with her for so long and he’s aware of how it ended. He says that he sees me like a son and doesn’t really trusts this new guy after what he did to me. She may wake up one day and realize that what she did to me was stupid. But will she come back? I doubt it. I just feel so bad and here it is, three months later and I still cry, have dreams about her and wallow in my own misery thinking about her. Why did something like this happen to me? All I wanted was to be with someone who made me happy and who I made happy. Will the memories of us affect her new relationship? Will she miss things about me that she won’t have in him? I’ve never been this hurt by someone ever in my life! What did I do to deserve this?

    Wow, that was longer that I expected. Sorry to keep you guys reading. I just had a LOT to get off my chest since coping with this a lot harder than I thought.

    I’m just wondering, will it hit her later on what she missed out on now that she’s with this new guy? Will she realize anything at all after this decision?

  108. Chloe

    When I posted on this website nearly a month ago, I thought that I was on my way to healing. I thought about him less, and even if I do think about him, I could do so without breaking down in tears. But yesterday, when I saw an update of him on facebook, I felt as if my heart has been sliced open again.

    Since our break-up about 3 months ago ( shortly after which I had found out that my ex was actually engaged, and I’d even suspected that his wife was expecting then), I suspected that he had blocked me on facebook. Hence for the past few months, I was unable to view his profile on facebook and I totally had no news of him. It then became sort of a habit to sometimes attempt to ‘stalk’ him on facebook, just so that I would know when he has ‘unblocked’ me. And yesterday when I was just randomly searching for his name on facebook out of norm, I was surprisingly able to finally see his wall, on which he had posted an entire album on his newborn baby boy, and some pictures of his wife. I just couldn’t help but break down when I saw those pictures. ( I know it was a bad idea to stalk your ex-es after a break up but I just couldn’t help it). The baby looked like him, and they just look so.. complete together as a family. I can’t help but feel alone, and bitter. After all the promises he’d made to me, like how he claimed that he couldn’t live without me and even wanted to marry me (when he was in fact, engaged all along), I am just heart broken how he could just easily forget all about me. Of course he now has a baby to preoccupy himself, and I know that I ought to feel glad for him, but I just feel like dying.

    He was my first boyfriend, the first guy that I’ve truly ever loved and bare my heart to; our break-up, and me finding out that he was actually a married man was just too abrupt. There were no warning signs at all, and all of a sudden, the relationship was over. And since then, I’ve felt pretty much like a zombie. I go to school, attend lectures everyday and do the things that needs to be done, but I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like I’m living. And just when I though I’ve felt slightly better, I came across the photos of his family and it felt as if the wall that I’d built around myself these past 3 months had crumbled once again, and I’m back to the square one. It’s not like I didn’t try to get over, I did try. I busied myself with school work, I hung out with friends, and tried to preoccupy myself. But why is it that I still can’t get over him, when he has clearly forgotten about me? And besides, it makes me feel wrong to even pine for him, when now that I know that he’s a married man. I feel really foolish, and weak, and I hate feeling this way. Please Thea, could you kindly advice me on how I could move on.

  109. thea Post author

    Hold on back up. Breathe. Chill. Anyone who experienced seeing their ex with a replacement of sorts and a baby would feel this way. ANYONE. Let alone someone only 3 or whatever months out. It’s a SETBACK. you’re NOT back to “Square One” you only FEEL like you are. It’s an illusion. It’s also a bit soon for you to “be happy for him” to be honest. I’d not feel that in your shoes either and I am, 12 years of running this site “an expert” of sorts on this subject.

    He’s not forgotten you. He probably even misses you. You’re right though – he is DISTRACTED by all this change. It’s exciting stuff he’s going through, meanwhile you’re left behind and “pining”.

    But the fact his the novelty, stress of a newborn, sleepless nights, etc – won’t mean he’s sauntered off into the sunset on the back of a white horse under the rainbow. He’s not got off scott free.

    I suspect he meant what he said to you at the time. I say assume he did. Assume he misses you and assume he cares. Assume when you get over this and move on again he’s gonna feel a pang once YOU have moved on because frankly no one likes to be replaced (find that blog called that on here).

    You are getting over this Chloe. It is just a setback. Breathe and push on through the pain.

    I posted on our page that “No good ever comes from FB stalking” or words to that description because we ONLY see things that hurt. And frankly people only tend to put up the “good” side of their life. Not the fact he’s not getting any…SEX (cos she just had a baby) or SLEEP (because they just had a baby)…

    This is not a game or a competition. He’s not “winning”. He will have to live with his choices.

    You have no control over that sadly. You can on keep focusing on your own life, your path, your future, you thoughts and your actions.

    I am sorry you’re in pain. I can really understand it. I’ve done it once or twice and no good comes from cyber stalking 🙂

    Hugs xx

  110. Dante

    Thea’s right. No good comes from cyber stalking. I went to look at the aforementioned ex a few times on FB after she blocked me via another account and saw nothing but pain. Albeit she posts positively, I know all the negatives are still there. I suspect that she still thinks about me and is just using that sack of crap of an ex-friend (aka her companion) to keep me away. But I know that eventually, consequentially, their relationship will fall.

    It’s been almost four months since I was deceived by both of them and the best advice I can give to you is move forward. It won’t be easy. You WILL have days where you’ll grieve over it. Some days will be …..blah and some days will be okay. Distraction is the best method. Whatever it is that you like to do, keep on doing it. Sure, you may still think about it while you’re distracted. This is only natural, but bear in mind that it’s a lot better then being idle. The photo I’ve seen of them kissing is burned into the back of my mind. But ultimately, it will have to be a memory that I have to burn away.

    Keep your head up, stay on track and never give up. Eventually, your past will become just a memory.

  111. coco

    Good Evening Thea, i really need some advice on what i posted on Jan 23,2012. Please read it and tell me what you think. And for Chloe, my heart truely goes out to you. I tried dating once i divorced my ex only to find out the guy i was seeing was married. I just didnt get it..i often wonder why me. So this was a definate setback for me as well. Im on a leave from my job right now because of the amount of stress im experiencing.Its simply heartbreaking. Thea please give me some advice.

  112. thea Post author

    Coco! I think you’re so totally BLESSED!! Thank Buddha you’re out of that relationship with that man. Pity the woman he’s now with because Leopards don’t change spots – not without help. And this guy has a lot of baggage he’s just transported in the new relationship.

    Does he think about it all? Yes I suppose he does. He’s got an affliction/addiction and this is likely to be due to some short comings inside himself. He’s not behaving like a happy, healthy, self-actualised individual is he? Lying, cheating, stealing, gambling, selling off your worldly goods. Man I am so pleased he’s history.

    You…well, you might think about seeing someone if possible? You will benefit from forgiveness. Of him. Of yourself for getting involved with and staying with and taking back a guy who clearly wasn’t a good long term fit for you. Find the good that came out of those years together. Affirm your gratitude toward what he brought into your life because a lot of good will have come out of it. Even if it’s to know the kind of man you DON’T want to be with! 🙂

    It wasn’t wasted time or experience. Focus on your own life, your own finances, your home, things you can control because frankly you have no control over him / her etc. The busier I am the less time I ever have to mind-feck about an EX and his new bird! (Soooo been there and it sucks, it’s torture, I know).

    Just keep getting out there with friends – old and new – don’t worry about men/dating. When you’re emotionally ready to date it will happen. Sounds like you’ll benefit from working through stuff first! I say this each day but Byron Katie has changed my life – in terms of the way I think about things…my life, my “rattlesnakes” (of the mind), my expectations of others. Google her and watch some videos. Search “The Work” and “Oprah” (with BK’s name) and start there…It may or may not work for you but it’s revolutionalised my life. Doesn’t mean I don’t get plagued by the snakes like everyone else but I can recognize them for what they are…Just thoughts. And I then bring the thoughts back home to myself because that’s what all this is about YOU. Not him. Not her. Just you. And you we can work with. Them we can’t xx

  113. thea Post author

    Dante sorry I was laxed at getting back to you. I did just read your post. An ex and an ex-friend? Double whammy? Is that right? But you sound good honest. You don’t actually sound like you need any helpful advice. I am not worried about you. You got a good attitude. You are maybe just having one of those blah days. Seeing a kiss photo, burning in your memory…it’s so funny because my mind is so damn powerful I create those “photos” even if I haven’t seen my replacement. So whether we have the photographic evidence or we don’t, we create the story.

    You’re right people post positives more than negatives (unless the people are totally drama folk – needing constant reassurance). So can we ever really believe what we read/see online? Not likely…

    I remember when I got turfed aside by the so called love of my life everyone was saying “it’ll never last” and I did too. He went right from me to her damn it – how could it. A dozen years later and they did last and after about a year after our split I wanted them to last because then at least I was dumped for his soul mate and not some “rebound fling” you know?

    I have a book I read, from the Sedona Method guy/s – ‘Happiness is Free…'(See and in it the guy talks about how he would keep picturing a woman he loved with his arch enemy and kept on doing it until he could see them totally happy healthy loved up and it didn’t hurt. He explains it better in his book LOL. But I did try it a while back when I was going through something not too dissimilar to you. It sucks being replaced – let alone with a friend.

    But you’re gonna be great. You’re gonna heal. You’re gonna move on to someone better and you’re going to be glad you went through this temporary “blip”. OK?

    Been looking for a quote in my own book (paraphrased from a user on our forum years ago) similar to what you wrote…

    It is imperative to know that when it first happens to you, you will have desperate days, awful days, bad days, and okay days. In time though, the awful days will become bad days; the bad days will become okay days; and okay days will actually become GOOD days.

    Just keep on pushing through and working on feeling good about you. Be the type of guy any gal would be lucky to be with. Kind, positive, empathetic, strong, communicative, etc…

    You take care x

  114. Chloe

    Thanks Thea, I feel much better after having read your reply. It was pretty funny, the part where you mentioned he’s not gotten off scott free, especially without the sex and sleepless nights. I hadn’t thought of that actually. I guess I’ll just try to take comfort in the fact that he’s now stuck with changing diapers while I’m still young and free, with a future full of possibilities.

    As for Dante and Coco, thanks for the reply too. I know we’re all going through a really rough patch at the moment, but I guess it’s comforting to know that one is not alone at times like this. I really hope that things would eventually work out well for you guys too. All the best!

  115. Mel

    My fiancee who only proposed 6 months ago and who has been with me for 9 years turned around 6 weeks ago out of the blue and told me it was over and he doesnt love me anymore. I am totaly heartbroken and have not dealt with it at all well. I have made the error of bombarding him with texts and recently they have been pretty nasty as I have been getting very angry. I am losing my home, my cats and my whole lifestyle and future. I am getting hardly any response to my emotion, he has completely cut me off and when I do get a response, it is like a stranger who doesnt care. Why do men do this, I thought we were going to have kids and get married. Its so complicated and although its been 6 weeks, I am still in total shock. He says that ‘there have been too many nasty things said’ which is the last thing he said to me after he dumped me and that we ‘want different things’ This was all news to me?
    I am so confused. I wish I had just left him and not bombarded him with texts, I have probably made things so much worse.

  116. Sierra

    I’m still in the middle of this breakup right now – and you’ll see why in a bit.

    My ex and I were best friends in high school – eventually, he confessed he liked me, but I didn’t feel the same way. Eventually though, I kinda liked him too, so we dated junior year, and eventually I broke it off before it got too serious and we continued to be good friends.

    Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. Ex had been texting me a lot asking to hang out; little did I know it was because he had feelings for me again. The truth was, I had feelings for him too, but was in denial about them and didn’t want to start something because we were going off to far away colleges soon. However, a week before he left for school, he confessed to me how he felt, and how he had felt this way for a long time, and I told him I felt the same, and for one glorious, intense week filled with Taylor-Swift-esque makeouts under the stars and in cars, we were together. We initially didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship, but after we were both settled into college, we realized that we wanted to give it a shot. So we did, and it was great. He flew up to visit me over his fall break, and we hung out a lot over Christmas. We had great communication from years of being best friends, and we were very much in love. After a teary goodbye at the end of Christmas break, we bought tickets for me to come visit him at school in February.

    However, we started having little problems – or, at least, I would start feeling like he wasn’t contacting me very much and that I would be doing all the work in the relationship. When I first brought this up, he was very understanding, but when it started happening again and i mentioned it, he got madder. I tried to tell him that all I wanted was for him to text me first once in a while, and somehow he saw that as what he could give not being enough for me. I had also been having lots of problems with my roommate at that time and had been venting to him about it, and I guess it bothered him more than he let on. Both of us got insecure and took it out on each other, and the worst part was that we communicated mainly over text or gchat – NEVER a good idea. I still think my relationship could have been saved by one heartfelt phone call from me saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was. But my feeling was, and he expressed this too, that when I came to visit, we could talk things out, and everything would be fine.

    So it was a week before I went to visit him, and two days before this, we had talked and affirmed that we still loved each other. I was afraid he was going to break up with me, and asked him this – he said no, he would never do that not in person, because I had been so good to him and I deserved better. Guess what? Two days later, he texts me saying he needs to talk to me and he needs 10 minutes – unfortunately, I had no time from 8 in the morning to 9:30 at night and still had tons of homework to do. I begged him to just call me the next day, but nope – he called me and told me it wasn’t working, and it just wasn’t worth it for him anymore. I was stunned. He was doing exactly what he had just promised not too. It was so sudden and unexpected, coming from someone who I thought would never break up with me. I was in tears, and sent him a very heartfelt emotional email afterwards, which actually wasn’t as desperate as it could have been, reading it now. I asked him to just give this another chance until we could see each other in person and work things out. But we skyped, and he said his decision still stood. It was like talking to a wall. I didn’t understand how he could sit there and watch me cry with such a passive expression.

    And here’s the kicker – I still flew halfway across the country to visit him. We had the non-refundable tickets, he told me that he still missed me and wanted me to come visit, and I thought maybe I could get some closure. Of course I still had a little bit of hope that we could get back together, but I tried to squash that. And I’m here now. I’m at his school, and I’m glad I came, but only because I’ve realized how horrible this is. I know no one here except my ex, and although he says he wants to be friends and there are times when we easily slip back into our friendly banter, he constantly abandons me, seeming to forget that I have no friends here and nowhere to go. Basically, my options are either hang out with him or study alone, and I’m here for six days (this was my third). I’m trying so hard to either get us back together or be friends or just say fuck it and move on with my life, but honestly I’m in such a weird, lonely limbo right now where I’m forced to suppress my emotions around my ex and all his friends and none of my friends are here to give me hugs. Thank goodness for the internet, and sites like this, that are making me feel a little less alone until I go home on Wednesday.

  117. thea Post author

    Well hon, that is indeed rough. I feel for you going through this emotional challenge halfway across the country or whatever from you. The good thing about this is that PAIN is temporary – just like everything is. Happiness / Sadness / Joy / Laughter, etc everything comes and goes / ebbs and flows.

    My current self would tell my former self that “Good Endings Make Good Beginnings”. Be strong (even if you have to fake it), say you accept his decision (even if you have to fake it at the moment), make a list of things you’re looking for from a partner because frankly this LDR must have it’s drawbacks. What are they? You’ve probably met some cool guys on your own campus and thought “he’s a bit of alright, if I were single, I’d definitely investigate”. Though I think LDRs can work – especially in cases like this one where you’ve known each other and built up a history – I still think they’re a challenge at the best of times.

    You’re BOTH frankly at the age where you both should be having fun with classmates, trying different people on for size, and working hard at Uni. I look back to my Uni days (break up and all) with the biggest sense of nostalgia. Never before or since did I have a clique of friends. People scattered around the globe now.

    I would try to wrap myself around the fact that it’s OVER (FOR NOW!) but that if you’re paths are meant to cross again after university they will. He’s been your first love and vice versa – it sounds like anyway – and that is never going to leave you. But I suspect though the first he’s not the last. You’ve many more relationships to go through (as a hunch).

    I am not sure where you are geographically – but I’d go ahead and wander around on my own (when safe to do so). Explore the area, the coffeshops, bookstores, parks, campus etc. Go to the campus book store, buy a notebook and write out all your random thoughts and feelings. They’ll be soooo interesting to read on down the road – and be a gauge to show how far you’ve come. Channel them into something worthwhile.

    I’d say to myself “I can handle this, it’s just a couple more days – I’m on vacation and I’m gonna make the most of it while I am here”. I would “act as if” I am fine with it. I’d say what I wanted to say him (you’ve probably done all that). I would do whatever it took to end on the most positive note possible.

    Good Endings Make Good Beginnings. We never know where the path is taking us and I can promise you in 12 years of running this site I’ve come to believe that that Break Ups Always Work Out for the Highest Good of All Concerned (Eventually) . You can’t see where the path is taking you right now as you’re in the middle of it but trust me it’s all working accordingly.

    You cannot convince, coerce, persuade someone to love you or stay with you – you can only control how you RESPOND to that happening. We get so scared when someone says they need to leave that we cling instead of WELCOMING it happening. If this guy is choosing to go – then that means something even better is on its way for you and you need to welcome that. It’s like that adage of people staring so long at the closed door that they miss the open window. What’s outside YOUR window?

    So to summarise – slap a smile a file on your face, tell him you accept his decision and that ultimately you think it’s the RIGHT one because you’re going to find someone in your own postcode next time. Get a notepad and do some writing. Call on friends (and break up buddies) 😉 to help you when you feel like contacting him. Study hard as much as you can over the coming weeks/months…but for the next few days – do a Google search to see what’s worth checking out while you’re there and go do it ALONE. Try and create some new WONDERFUL memories there – e.g. sight seeing, take some cool photos, find some cool hangouts near there. It’s only a few more days – so get out there and take your power back.

    “I can handle this” is your mantra of the day. Take care x

  118. Sierra

    Thanks so much for the advice! I think you’re right, I think that it’s a good idea to meet people on my own campus…except 90% of the guys at my school are gay, so it’ll be difficult. It’s gradually getting easier to accept that this is over, especially since he’s been treating me like crap and just flat-out ignoring me whenever I call him out on it. He wanted me to be here, and he wanted to be friends, so he should be prepared to deal with having me around and not expect me to just go make friends and hang out with them.

    Ugh, I so wish I could go wander around and find some cool places to hang out! But this school is in this tiny little crap town in Kansas, and there’s literally nothing within walking distance, and no public transportation. It’s also kind of sketchy, or so I hear…I’m not sure that I want to go out alone. It’s awful. I’ve been typing out my thoughts on what’s happening on my computer, and also typing out a bunch of things I want to say to him before I leave. It’s sad, but after this trip, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever see him again, since we’d have no reason to get together over breaks and such, so I want to say all I need to before I leave and then I can just try to not talk to him for a while.

    I’m just trying to say that mantra, “I can handle this,” as often as possible. Even when I feel like I’m imposing on everyone I come into contact with (my ex, his roommates, the girls I’m staying with – the dorms aren’t coed). It’s so frustrating because whenever I ask Ex what I should do, where I should go, etc, he gets mad at me and tells me to go make my own damn choices because he doesn’t care what I do. Today we went to brunch at his cafeteria (because he’s paying for all my food) and afterwards I was going to go back to his dorm, and he said that was fine, but girls aren’t allowed to go in the boys dorms until 12 noon and there were still 10 minutes left. I was just gonna wait outside on a bench for a while, and asked Ex if he could wait with me, but apparently that would be “pointless” so he just left me out there. When i came in finally, I asked him how long he was going to keep treating me like crap, he just shrugged and said “I’m not.” Like talking to a wall.

  119. thea Post author

    I realise he’s behaving cold, cruel, detached and you have to know that’s a defense mechanism. He cares even if he acts like he doesn’t. He’s frustrated (even if he doesn’t realise it) because he feels guilty and ill-equipped to handle the emotional side of things with you.

    To be honest, I suspect he’s actually seeing someone there. Or interested in someone (don’t mean he has cheated just that it’s likely there’s someone else nearby he’s interested in – so he’s pushing you away).

    There is no way you can know if you’ll see each other again. I suspect you will so just keep on making the effort to end on the best possible terms. It’s an emotional and confusing time for both of you (in spite of how he’s acting). Rawness will fade and it would be good if you could look back at this time proud of how you handled it. Strong. Respectful. Dignified. Be the kind of girl he REGRETS leaving.

    The more you act as if you’re strong, moving on etc, the better it will be (and it might actually ANNOY him seeing you get on with things!) Start today! Only a few more days! Good luck.

    PS: There is beauty even in “crap towns” – you can find it, I am sure, if you look. Take your camera (or phone with camera) around and find some cool things. Find a serene spot to sit and take it all in – in nature.

  120. Sierra

    What you said about the defense mechanism is spot on, I think. I’ve been friends with him through some pretty emotional times in his life, and I have noticed that when he can’t deal with a situation emotionally, he just becomes absolutely detached and only deals with logic, not emotion. Which is why I think he just wishes I would let this go already and stop bringing it up.
    I don’t know if he’s interested in anyone here; one of the things he said to me was that he didn’t want a relationship, not now and not for a long time. But he does have a lot of female friends here (who have all been extremely sweet to me) so that could be the case.
    Last night, I asked him to sit down with me in a private room and I basically just read him this huge thing that I wrote about how I still love him and I would have done anything to make this work and we could have had a lot more good memories if he had only given me a chance to make things better, but that I will get over this eventually and let it go, he just has to give me some time. I told him that if we’re going to be friends, I can’t talk to him for a while after I get back because I need to surround myself with people who care about me. At that point he got really mad and insulted that I thought he didn’t care, and I said that actions spoke louder than words, at which point he walked out on me. But he came back in two seconds later and listened to the rest of what I had to say. I asked him to just treat me like one of his friends for the rest of my time here. He said that he would treat me like one of his friends if I could just let it go and stop “bringing up this shit.” I told him that I just needed to say this stuff now, and then we could stop talking about it, and that I would move on but it wouldn’t happen overnight. It’s frustrating, because he acts like I should be doing something for him in order for him to treat me with basic courtesy, when really I feel like that’s the least he could do seeing as he’s caused me so much pain. Honestly, his friends and roommate treat me so much nicer than he does. When I hang out with him and his friends, he acts slightly less cold and detached (probably just so he won’t seem like an ass in front of them) but they are so nice to me and treat me like one of their friends.

    His birthday is tomorrow (one of the reasons we scheduled the trip for this weekend, initially) and I bought him a present (a nice dress shirt) literally the day before he dumped me. I brought it with me just in case I still wanted to give it to him, but now I think I’ll just take it home with me and return it and buy myself something nice. There are times like that when I make the decision to not give him the present, or start looking forward to blocking him on Facebook and deleting his number (I’ve already blocked him on twitter), that I start feeling like I’m ok and I can move on with time. But every day I wake up feeling happy, and then I remember everything that’s happened, and how the way things are now is all my fault, and I can’t forget that. I’m trying to, though. My friends have promised me that when I get back, they’re going to shower me with chocolate and girl time and movies, etc. so I’m thankful for that. And in the meantime I’ve been studying a lot for the classes that I’m missing right now. Hopefully the next couple days will go smoothly, I leave the day after tomorrow!

  121. thea Post author

    Yeah I love it when they get so mad that we’re “bringing up all this shit” when in fact they’ve had time to come to terms with / process the split…time to detach from us and we’re hit with it all like a brick to the forehead. I know it’s challenging but really when it all boils down to it – aren’t you both doing the absolute BEST that you can with the skills and tools you have? I think you are. Even with his grumpy/angry/moodiness – he really is doing his best for an early 20s guy who’s having to cut the romantic cord with someone he’s known a long time and cared a great deal for. Almost on a daily basis I recommend the work of Byron Katie (you can watch her videos on YouTube) and honestly she’s changed the way I think more than anyone one else in my life. The thing that causes us frustration and pain in these times is the fact we’re “arguing with reality”. It’s like the thought you’d wish he’d treat you like a friend and just be nice to you but who would you be without that thought? Well less frustrated for a start! You kinda need to just watch her or read her stuff to get the gist of it but I must say it’s stopped me judging, labeling, name calling – all of it – about anyone else because I realise anything I say about someone else on some level I am saying about myself. It’s late here and I am getting off onto a tangent I think…I know what I mean!

    The thing is just do your best to get through the next 2 days in whatever it takes. I am pretty certain he won’t be out of your life permanently. By the sounds of it, he’s not cheated on you, treated your horribly, or whatever. He’s been honest with how he feels (painfully so at times I’m guessing)…it could be a lot worse. Better he tells you, ends the relationship than carries on a pretense and is shagging local girls behind your back. You know. So you can probably find a few ways he IS actually handling it pretty good. If you look.

    Someone said something random the other day that keeps going through my mind. I mean it’s an old concept – nothing new – but it’s a case of 100 years none of us will be here. It’s the same (but slightly different) as saying “in a year from now this week won’t even matter” it will simply be blip on your time line and it’s true.

    My most horrible experience of my life was a break up years ago. Trans-Atlantic phone call. I was home visiting my dad (in Cali) and the so-called love of my life called me up and dumped me 4 days before I was to fly back to Scotland. I look back to the journals of the time and man there was anger, there was indignation, there were name calling entries, oodles of judging, righteousness, and on and on and on. I read it now it’s like a different person wrote it and on my levels it is. In many ways that break up was the making of me. It was life altering. I don’t remember the pain of those early weeks at all now. I only see the good. I was able to forgive him (and her!!) and myself too.

    For all you know this break up could be the making of you. It literally could be the best thing that ever happened to you. On down the road, you’ll be healed and happy and bring in this amazing (straight) guy 😉 and you’ll actually be so GRATEFUL this guy ended it.

    It’s all unfolding divinely for you. It really is. You just can’t see it yet because you’re in the midst of it. But it is. Trust me, this much I know. Have a fun few days. Keep writing! You’ll be amazed like I was when you read it all back later on! 🙂

  122. Sierra

    Hi! I’m back now and just wanted to check in. I’ve been back at school for around five days, and oh my goodness it feels so good. I’ve blocked Ex on social networks and deleted his number, and for the last few days I’ve been doing a lot of relaxing and talking to friends about the whole situation, and it’s been really nice. I’m still writing (well, typing) whenever I need to vent or talk about the situation, and I have a letter in progress that I’m going to send to Ex in a few weeks, after we’ve both had a chance to cool down.

    To be honest, it was a lot easier to start the healing process after I got home and was surrounded by friends, and for a few days I was feeling great. I’ve stopped blaming myself so much for what happened. I think that was what made it hardest to let go, because I felt like if this was all my fault, then I could fix things, too. But it wasn’t. I really started thinking about our fights, and I can see now that it wasn’t just me causing conflict and that I had good reason to bring up the things that i did. He also said a lot of horrible things about me that weren’t even close to being true and really hurt me. And even if he wants to blame me for everything, I can’t blame myself if I’m going to move on…

    It’s much easier to miss him, though, since I’m back at school and away from him. It’s a lot easier to remember all the good times since I’m not seeing this new, callous, angry version of him every day. And that’s been hard…I think the hardest part honestly is that this trip was supposed to be so amazing. It was going to be the longest amount of time we had spent together ever since last summer, and it was going to be the best six days. Instead it was ruined, and we never got to have those good memories. That still makes me sad, that our last good memory together was saying a quick goodbye at the train station after Christmas. I still feel like things could have turned out so differently. Who knows, maybe they’ll be different someday. But for now I’m trying to forget about it, so I returned his birthday present and used the money to buy myself some nice clothes….baby steps.
    Thank you for your advice. I might have gone crazy without feeling like someone understood what I was going through out in the middle of nowhere…. 🙂

  123. persistanceruinedeverything

    i met matt one night, 4 months after i had just ended a 4.5 year relationship. he was my first ‘one night stand’ we ended up getting frozen yogurt later that week to find out who we had both just slept with, turns out i was his first time too, and later i found out months later only the 2nd girl he had ever slept with. for the first 3 months when we started dating, he told me time and time again he couldn’t get into a relationship, as he had ended a 3 year one just a month before we met, but i pushed and pushed until finally , after lots of turbulence and even times of ending it, he obliged (this was june – sept). but then oct-dec, no matter how much i tried to go out with his friends, see him most nights of the week, plan things, it was always me pushing it.

    But , even though id been n 2 major relationships before, i had NEVER felt anything like what i felt with him. i knew in my gut, no matter how much i didn’t want to feel it , he was the one. but by nov and dec, i was causing a fight/talks every week, bc what was really burried down was that i knew i was so much more emotionally out on a limb. then he broke up with me right before xmas.

    to sum things up, I’ve reacted horribly. at first i barraged him with txt, then after the new year i tried to restrain myself, but over the past 2 months I’ve showed up at his house countless times when he has asked me not too, invited him to things he never responded back to, and finally talk to him yesterday (showed up) bc i found out I’m moving cities, and he asked ‘what he could tell me’ to give me answers so this wouldn’t happen again. i wanted to just understand… the conversation didn’t leave me feeling wiser.

    afterwards i called to ask if we could just go to a dinner, he told me i was taking advantage that he was a nice guy and hung up , i dropped off his xmas gift i never gave him later and left him a vm telling him I’m sorry I’ve bombarded him… i just don’t know when to stop if i truly believe something.

    then today he sent me a txt that said ‘Your unannounced trips to my apartments, txts and voicemails make me feel very uncomfortable. please do not contact me again or come by my apartment again’. i feel slapped in the face. i was with him for 6 months, cooked for him, slept with him, did ANYTHING for him, poured my soul out to him after we broke up and made myself completely vulnerable, fought for him for months totally making myself look like an idiot, because I love him and truly believe he is my soulmate. and now i feel like the next step is a restraining order if i don’t stop so i can never contact him again. i am both humiliated and so incredibly sad. nobody makes me happier than him. I’ve been in many relationships, i am an extremely intelligent person, i am cognoscente of what is going on- but how can i be this in love with someone and just give up? but i have no choice…. but i love him so much, and i just don’t know what to do with myself.

  124. thea Post author

    Well it sounds like a case of Obsessive Love…not being able to let go…But as much as you may love this guy and it was wonderful at times – he has been CLEAR he doesn’t feel the same and all your bombarding has just left him with a sour taste in his mouth about the whole relationship.

    Cut yourself some slack – you’re not the only one who’s humiliated themselves after someone said it was over. Just back off for now though. No need to push it as far as a restraining order. That would be enough for me to not contact that guy ever again. It’s a shame that intelligence or cognizance doesn’t come into it when it comes to romantic relationships.

    When you feel you have stuff to say to him – write it down in a blank email or in a journal.

    Pour every thought out that you have into the writing (venting).

    Imagine for a moment that you dated some guy for six months – it was nice but not something you felt was right for whatever reason. You ended it and the guy just would not get the hint. He’d keep calling, texting, emailing, showing up at your house. You felt bad but you just felt so uncomfortable with his constant barraging of contact. How would YOU handle the situation?

    You say “no one makes me happier” – it’s no one else’s JOB to make you happy. It’s yours. This guy is not the KEY to your happiness – that responsibility is your own. If you can have a mental shift to that – then you’ll feel a bit more empowered and more in control. Less desperate. (Not judging – we can all feel a bit desperate when someone or something we love is taken away).

    You got a lot out of the relationship – the meals, the fun times, the sex or whatever it was you got so don’t now turn around and feel “used” by the relationship. you made the choices to give, to cook, to love etc…YOU CHOSE TO. And I am sure he enjoyed and appreciated it but for whatever reason you aren’t the right one for him for now.

    Believing anything else is arguing with reality hon.

    Focus your energy on healing, feeling worthy, strong and being the kind of woman the right guy would want to be with for the long haul.

    You hang in there. x

  125. thea Post author

    You sound great missy. The healing away from him (both physically and via social media) is going to be a good thing. Keep typing. It will make for some interesting reading on down line I can assure you.

    Your ex is not a bad guy – he just acted like a bit of a jerk because he felt guilty. He did the best he could with the skills / tools he’s been given – just like the rest of us. It’s not maybe how you or I would have acted but it’s how he did. It’s done now.

    So you need to keep on keeping on…and trusting you’re getting better by the day. And one day you two may actually be friends. You never know. Just remain open to all possibilities ok?

  126. Dave

    My situation is a little strange. Last fall, I met a wonderful woman, and everything just seemed to fall into place. We were happy, and we both felt a connection to one another neither of us could explain. We spent a great holiday season together, she met my daughter, and in January, I met her son… 2 days before he was going in for some surgery to correct some minor health problems he’d been suffering since birth. The next 2 weeks saw us mostly apart while she dealt with his recovery and a life-threatening complication. Unfortunately, due to family and health obligations of my own, I couldn’t be there for her in person as often as either of us would have liked. Our first in-person get together after all of the drama in her life, I could sense something was very wrong. She mentioned how she realized how much energy she had been putting into her son’s health issues over the years, and how she felt very tired. Our visit was short, and the next morning as soon as I woke up and sent her a good morning text, she called me and ended our relationship.

    It has been 3 weeks, and we have been trying the “friends” angle. I told her how confused I was by her decision not to lean on me, but that I respected her decision, and I have given her the space she needs, while still trying to be a supportive friend (I cooked her a week’s worth of meals recently when she mentioned her having a hard time eating). She confessed to me that she still cares, but that she had been dealing with an anxiety/depression reaction to her son’s surgery, and since she couldn’t see herself having any energy for a romantic relationship, she didn’t want to string me along and not be able to hold her end of the relationship up – that she would feel selfish about doing that.

    But now, here we are and she is telling me she has begun to feel better, begun to come out of her anxious/depressed state.

    I am horribly confused, and am myself spiraling into a very negative state… I haven’t felt this way since I discovered my ex-wife had been cheating on me (5 years ago).

    There is something about this woman, something that has caused me to feel about her the way I have not felt for anyone before… a depth of caring and attraction that took years to achieve even with my ex-wife. I don’t want to give up on a relationship if there is a chance for one, but I also don’t want to push her away by telling her how I feel… and I don’t think I’ll be able to move on until I do one or the other.

    Could this be limerance? Or is it more likely I am being strung along.

  127. thea Post author

    There is no real easy answer here – whether to wait or to move on etc. Trust your gut I guess.

    Limbo sucks – to be sure. It’s hard to tell whether this has anything to do with you really or not.

    My gut is as follows:

    Maybe send her a short note to remind her that you care for her, and that you are are there if she needs you for anything, but you need to back off now (in all forms of contact) in order to do some healing for a while – because being in contact is hindering the healing process just now for you.

    Re-iterate that you respect her decision – even if you’d rather the relationship hadn’t ended.

    Express your gratitude at spending time together, enjoying meals, intimacy, etc, and for making your life a little better, happier, more interesting etc – even for the short while.

    I am saying – do this in 2 or 3 paragraphs. Not in a heavy way. In a simple closure way.

    Send it and let it go.

    Begin to “act as if” it is OVER and you’re healing and moving on. It has ended, in love and respect, and thus the door will be open should your paths cross again. And either she’ll come back or she won’t, but you’re not sitting around in LIMBO putting your life on hold for someone who may never come back to you romantically. And you’re going to be 100% fine either way, you really are.

    She may have worked out that she doesn’t see a long term future with you and thus backed off, or she may have just got scared and bolted, she may be self-sabotaging – it’s hard to tell, and frankly SHE might not even know why she really ended things. Depends on how self-aware she is but even then it can be hard to tell.

    She does have a lot on her plate it sounds….so I’d assume it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do/say.

    Continue to be the wonderful, empathetic guy you are and treat all experiences (even the painful ones) as opportunities.

    Because that’s what they are!

    I sometimes ask myself “could I have said/done anything different to have arrived at a different outcome”? And then I answer it honestly. If I need to do / say something I do – or else I have to keep reminding myself I did my best, could do no different and have to allow things to be as they are and not try to “control” them.

    You hang in there Dave. x

  128. Dave

    Thanks Thea,

    I actually sent a note as you described, other than including the part about backing off. It was what prompted her to send me a message back explaining her reasoning, telling me the same sorts of things in return, including that she missed me, and then saying we should get coffee sometime.

    It was that letter back that has me confused.

    I know you are right though, I need to make a break for my own health. Or, at least that’s what my friends have kindly been reminding me.

    Thanks again for the input.

  129. thea Post author

    Dave no problem…That’s what I am here for.

    Of course she misses you and cares for you – and it’s so hard not to read into that off the cuff remark of “coffee”. It’s almost impossible to not read into that and start building a story around it – building the hope etc…

    Your friends mean well and only you are going to be the one who will cut it if needs be, when you’re ready.

    It’s easier for the by-standers to see what you “should” do and pass judgment – but when you’re in the middle of it – it’s a real challenge to break that ties that bind us to someone we love. We want to accept those scraps. I know I am guilty of taking it – even though I know I want more…so until you’re ready you won’t be able to walk away – completely. And likely it will be a few false starts (if you don’t reconcile).

    Just go with your gut. only you know what you can / can’t handle.

    Be true to yourself. Value yourself. As the quote goes – “Don’t make someone a priority who is only making you an option”.

    Good luck and keep me posted x

  130. Rain

    I met a guy 10 months ago online. We’re both in our early 20s although I’m older than him. We didn’t meet in a dating website; we met on a fb fanpage of a nba player we both are a fan of. So we became friends. At first it was all friendly and casual and then as months passed our conversations became deeper. We sent long, as in really long fb messages DAILY throughout those months. Never had I lied to him and I know that he never lied to me either. I know he’s not lying about his identity because one, I have skyped with him already and two, I am also Fb friends with his sister. Besides, it’s too easy to tell if a Fb account is fake or not. And he has done a lot of things to prove that he really cares for me and that he loves me too. I won’t share the details of our convos but he’s a kind person and I would not even talk to him that much if he’s rude.

    Anyways, back in October 2011; we had a problem. During this time we haven’t really defined our relationship. And something happened that made us finally discuss what we are to each other. He asked me so I told him that I feel that we’re more than friends. He agreed. He said that even though at that time, he often tells me he loves me but feel scared and hurt deep inside because we’re not together physically. But yeah, we decided to treat each other as bf/gf with all the nicknames and stuff.

    We were happy until he decided to end it two weeks ago. You see, we had plans. The plan is for me to visit him for a week this June. We’re both excited about it. And then we both agreed that if things really turns out good then I’ll move there to be with him BUT it will be in the next two years. I need sometime to save up I mean I can’t just move to another country like that, I have to secure a job, a place to live in etc. He agreed and even told me that he can do two years if it’s guaranteed that we’ll be together.

    And then two weeks ago, as I’ve said he ended things between us by sending a fb msg. He said, although he wanted that one week visit to happen, he felt that after having to see each other it would be very difficult for him to deal with the long distance thing again. So he said he can’t go on with our relationship. He also said he would not be in a relationship any time soon because of the qualities he saw in me.

    I was devastated, but I accepted it. He said his decision was “firmly made” so I felt scared that if I try to change his mind, I’ll be rejected again. I sent him a message too that day and we’re no contact since then and it’s killing me. I miss him so much. This is the longest we never talked.

    I decided not to log on to my Fb because the whole thing reminds me of him. Night time is the worst. I always remember the words he said to me. I remember our conversations and how he showed me how strong he is for the both of us and then he ended our relationship. I’m so hurt and disappointed. All my dreams of being with him are too painful to remember. I just can’t accept the fact that we’re over. It hurts me so much. I feel like not contacting him will make him miss me and change his mind but as days pass by it scares me more that he had moved on and totally forgot about me. So it makes me think that I should contact him before completely losing him but a part of me wants to confirm if he really loves me then he’ll come back or better man up and deal with the distance between us.

    I’m completely lost and hurt. I love this man and I know he loves me too. It’s just that we’re apart and he’s scared. I feel like, I should have asked him to discuss our problem and encourage him more before agreeing on ending things between us. But I’m confused if I should talk to him or not. I hope you can help me. Thanks.

    P.S. I’m not mad at him, I don’t hate him and I think I would never ever hate him. He’s such a beautiful person that’s why it hurts me so much that just when I found that one person I want to spend my life with, he’s 8000 miles away from me. I don’t want to lose him. 🙁

  131. thea Post author

    Hello I am sorry to hear this one hon (and for the delay in replying) have you broken down and contacted him? I do hope not!!! I know that online relationships can be so intense – they really can. You can really get to know someone’s thoughts because people can often be very open through the Net but the relationship really was a glorified penpal…You say you wanted to spend your life with someone but you’ve never actually met by the sounds of it. 8000 is a crazy distance and frankly as a woman who did that (and moved halfway around the world to be with a guy) – I can’t say I recommend it! It’s a nice fairy tale in the beginning…

    You eventually meet up, it’s intense but then you try to live day to day together and reality is something else altogether.

    If you’re meant to be friends your paths will cross again but it might be better to crack on with healing and find someone else a little closer to you own zip code. I am sure he’s a cool guy but by the sounds of it he’s probably found someone local…even though he says other wise.

    So you’re right to take a break from FB for now. Continue that as long as you can. By being on there it will be just too tempting for you.

    You can’t lose the guy because you never really HAD him. You had a small, online portion of him but really only a sliver. So there’s no chance you “lose” anything – that’s only a THOUGHT and a painful thought at that.

    So be grateful for the “connection” you felt – it’s a good thing. Means you might just find it again!

    Good luck.

  132. Wandz

    My GF of 8 months just broke up with me a few days ago. I pursued her for almost a year, while dating her she was honest and told me that she was also dating another one so i said “May the best man win” . I guess with that setup things didnt start good, because with that setup the paranoia and anxieties continued to rise but i continued. .

    Almost a year after we started dating she told me her demands, she told me that I SHOULD have a car, she told me that if we are to get married i SHOULD pay for everything, that if we have kids i SHOULD pay for their schooling, i told her that that’s a little too much, but she replied that if I cant give it then she knows that someone else will, so i bit the bullet and bought myself a new car, i also promised her that I’d pay for every nickel and dime of our marriage. After that it became an US.

    On our first day of officialness her mom and I got into a heated argument over a simple FB joke, her mom compared me to the other suitor, her mom told me that the other man was rich, smart, physically attractive, is connected to influential people, yaddi-yadda… I got offended and answered back with something like “YOUR DAUGHTER CHOSE ME” , so starting from day 1 there were already problems brewing.

    Now to compound things, i have a chronic illness that is also contagious (but totally preventable via vaccine), when i told her that at first it was ok, then when she read more abt it she started panicking, that she’d get it too, that id die too soon, that she’d be a widow in an early age, etc, etc. We havent had sex but we do intimate things, and each and every time we do something she gets anxious and scared which makes me feel… Guilty and like im an evil person. But and each and every time i schedule her for a vaccine or a blood test she’d always “reschedule” it prolonging the agony. She demanded my latest blood tests and that she’d bring it to a specialist, she says that she has a right to know my situation. Eventually i got her vaccinated and now she’s forever immune to it.

    On top of this her former flame, the guy she dated for years kept on pursuing her and even moved to work with the same company as hers which she hid from me for a few months. I accidentally stumbled on a letter that this man sent her and saying something like “I WILL TRY MY BEST TO GET INTO and will win you back from ” . She kept on saying that i should trust her and there’s nothing for me to worry about, i wasnt comfortable with this. Also, she keeps on talking and seeing her former flames which sometimes causes heated arguments.

    She’s very firm with her ideals and values, and she has a set of values and principles that i was always trying my very best to fit into. She’s critical on how i drive, i eat, i talk, i dress, i think, etc, etc… I have done some adjustments, actually LOTS of adjustments then last Sunday, murphy’s law took effect and we almost got into a vehicular accident while her whole family is with me which started the day bad, also, i almost got into a fight with 2 separate occasions within the same day! She broke up with me the next day because she said that i scare her, that i have a problem with my temper, and she’s already too tired of “adjusting” . She’s already too tired of defending ME to her FAMILY and FRIENDS… Also, they her family has a description on how a man SHOULD be.

    I know im not perfect, i have my weaknesses and shortcomings, i also do get angry and pissed, but i am a good person deep inside, i havent hit a woman in my life and the last time i got into a REAL fight was when i was defending a female officemate of mine. I also made adjustments, but what’s different is that my love is unconditional.

    I tried to talk to her and she said that she loves me but we do not have the same values and might as well end the relationship and sjust wait for the RIGHT one. She also said she wants to be friends (WHAT?!) … im devastated… I told her if she can reconsider and she told me that id give her 1 week but it seems that everything’s lost now… I was so in love with her, she’s beautiful, smart, witty, intelligent, etc, etc, and ive lost her… Sometimes i feel like killing myself but that will just bring more misery to people around me….

    Everything still hasnt sunken yet but it will be a very difficult next few months… I loved her so much that it was a bad thing, i hope i move on soon…

    To add, i always give in to her every request, as long as i can do it , my goal was to always make her happy. I wait for hours for her office time to end just to fetch her and she hears no complaints from me or whatsoever. She’s also always late with appointments, and again, no complaints from me. Though sometimes i get affected and it shows on my face, but i shrug it off and just a few minutes after im back to my normal self.

    in a snap of a finger she ended it like i was nothing to her. She admitted that she already wanted to break up with me before but gave it another shot.

    I just find it unfair… I was ALWAYS there when she needed me, did things, done requests, tried to improve each and every aspect of my whole being, but my everything wasnt enough… She wanted someone that has an (almost) identical beliefs, values, and principles as her and her family which of course isnt possible because we grew up under different circumstances…

    Im hurt… 100 out of 10 in the richter scale… When i finally decided to settle down and considered her to be THE ONE, i got dumped…

    life is funny…

    I also didnt try to control her, i allowed her to do anything she wanted to as long as it is allowable while being in a relationship. I was always supportive of her undertakings, i’d always try to inspire her, help her in anyway i can, in short, this mortal man was trying to be a superman… But it’s not enough…

    She told me she GAMBLED and chose me and now she said she’s regretting her decision, it’s like she she should have gone with the other one instead… I felt like i was slapped in the face countless times…

    it’s painful…

  133. Wandz

    oh, where and when did i get dumped?

    IN HER CAR before giving me a final kiss, and when i got out the rain was pouring and i had no umbrella… the rain drops masked my tears while i was mindlessly and aimlessly walking for sometime before i realized i had to go home…

  134. Sav

    I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half (from June 2010 to beginning of 2012) – we were good friends for a year before that and everything seemed absolutely perfect, he was funny, decent, very tall (first physical feature I look for in a guy!), had almost exactly the same interests as I did, and yeah, when he asked me out it was the most natural thing ever, we talked about a long term future (I was 19 and he was 22) and everything was fine for over a year. All our friends knew he was moody and temperamental but I was always able to handle it without any problems. Around August I got mildly annoyed at him a couple of times as he had this habit of always making fun of me and patronising me – it takes a lot to offend me, but at times it just got a bit too much and sometimes I couldn’t tell if he was joking or if he really thought I was stupid, which pissed me off because I know I’m an intelligent person. Anyways we’d sort it out and get over it and there was never any problem. However at the beginning of September I was feeling particularly down and PMS-y and I told him that I felt a little taken for granted, and he got so incredibly offended he told me that he was worried about our relationship, and ignored me the entire next day despite me apologising over and over again…I know I was just being over-sensitive when I said that, I just wanted some affection and didn’t articulate it well. By the end of the next day he seemed okay and everything had gone back to normal.

    However at the same time, he moved from working in the city to working 5 minutes away from his home, so it wasn’t as easy to meet up with him anymore, and as neither of us had told our parents yet (coming from strict Indian families) and we both had family friends, he got nervous about family friends seeing us near his work, which I could understand. But at the same time, he began acting a little oddly – he was talking to a friend from work one day and I was standing with him, and the friend asked ” is that your sister?” pointing at me, and my boyfriend just mumbled something incoherently. I was hurt but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to pick a fight. Also, that whole day he refused to let me touch him – wouldn’t hold my hand, let me put my arm around him, and even when I went to give him a spontaneous hug, he pushed me away, even though I was really tired and feeling unwell that day. But at the same time he still talked to me normally so I thought maybe he was just having a mood.

    A couple of weeks later, I got the news that one of my close relatives had passed away suddenly in India, and I was naturally very distraught. I told my bf about it and he said “aw that sucks” but didn’t offer much comfort, and I felt weird to demand sympathy – I saw him the next day and didn’t really talk about it with him. But the day after that, I was feeling particularly down, and when I was chatting to him online, I told him that I wasn’t in a very good mood, and he sarcastically replied “good luck with moping” and went to bed. I was absolutely shocked by the callousness, but then blamed myself, feeling like maybe I was being an attention-seeker by telling him I was sad.

    After that, things really went downhill. I didn’t confront him about what he had said, but instead forgave him in my mind and acted totally normally towards him – I loved him more than anything else in the world. However he began acting really weirdly…when I saw him at the temple one day, he ignored me (and again I tried to make excuses for him, because he might have been awkward to talk to a girl in front of his gossiping family friends), and also forbade me quite sternly to visit him at work, saying that it was a waste of my time, and when I tried to assure him that it wasn’t a waste and I’d quite happily travel to see him for a few minutes, he would get angry at me. He’d also go for days, almost a week barely talking to me, and I got more and more frustrated – I even got mildly annoyed because he randomly deleted a post I had written on his FB wall! At the same time, I tried to tell him that I understood if he was busy and respected that he had other commitments, but just wanted to know what the situation was and when we would have time to spend together, and he just wouldn’t reply. In fact when I got frustrated one evening and told him I hadn’t seen him for nearly 3 weeks and what to do about it, he basically accused me of being selfish and not understanding. He also said on a couple of occasions that he wouldn’t visit me at uni because he didn’t like the traffic on the way there, and then when I said I’d come all the way to see him instead if it was convenient for him, he said it took him 5 minutes to get home and he wouldn’t stay out longer. He just refused to make any time for us, and when I explained to him calmly that I didn’t have a problem with him being busy and didn’t want to feel like I was being demanding, but just wanted him to let me know what was going on, he told me I was talking ‘BS’! And he had this amazing way of making me feel guilty and feeling like the stupid, immature one. He’d come online now and then and be friendly, but I felt like I couldn’t say anything for fear of him blowing up – oh did I mention that he told ME that if he said anything I would kick up a fuss, even when I assured him that i would listen to anything he said and he didn’t have to worry!

    I dropped the topic after that because I didn’t want to seem like an annoying, nagging girlfriend, but I went nearly a month without seeing him, and only saw him at a mutual friend’s 21st party. The week before, I had gone to his work to surprise him when he came out, but he didn’t see me and went straight to his bus stop, and by the time I tried to get to him, he’d already left…I called him in tears, and sobbed all the way back to the train station. Even when I asked him to please help resolve this issue of seeing each other, he never said anything. Then, as my uni exams finished, his relatives came to stay with his family for a month, so I understood that I wouldn’t be able to see him during that time, although I did visit him one day during his lunch break at work – he only spent 20 minutes with me despite having an hour off, and spent 10 of those minutes reading the paper I had given him. Again when I went to hug him he pushed me away and said I was weird. In fact, I got no real affection, not a single kiss or a cuddle from him since the beginning of September, and by now it was November.

    I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see him for a month, but I didn’t expect him to barely even talk to me all of November…I got maybe a couple of text messages over the course of three weeks, and one or two phone calls, and I was sick of always being the one initiating contact, so I decided to give him some space. The week after they left, in December, he called and messaged me again, so I figured everything was normal, but while he was friendly and funny and his usual self, he again refused to answer my questions about when we could meet up. By the end of the week, I was fed up, and again was slightly PMS-y, and sent him an annoyed email asking what the hell was going on…I hadn’t seen him for a month and it felt like he didn’t care about me and I wanted him to communicate with me, and not just when it was convenient for him. He got so offended by that email again, and again I apologised over and over again and asked to talk about it, but he ignored me – I saw him that week at a friend’s dinner, and gave him a card saying sorry, a box of chocolates and a book (even though it wasn’t even my fault!) and he seemed okay but after that went back to ignoring me. At my wits end, I told a mutual friend who was close with both of us, and she asked him to talk to me…he gave her a noncommittal answer too and told her I was being irrational, retarded, psycho and crazy. He finally broke up with me ONLINE the day after New Years, telling me (to cut a long story short) he didn’t feel the same way anymore, and got angry at me when I asked him why he was doing this. I met up with him the week after he dumped me, to talk about it properly, and although I was fuming and was absolutely heartbroken and furious, as soon as I saw him crying I forgot my anger and hugged him. He told me again that it would never work, but didn’t give me a reason as to why, and was very high-handed about it all, refusing to discuss things or even apologise properly. He made me feel like I was demanding and clingy, even though I know I was none of these things. I wrote him a really long letter explaining why I said or did things, but I think it may have reinforced his opinion that I’m crazy. I still love him, and I have no idea what to do – he made me feel worthless on a consistent basis for about 2 months, and I’m still willing to work things out because of how much I love him, and because I know essentially he is a good person, but he basically said he didn’t want to put the effort in…how can someone just act so insensitively?! He always used to talk about us having a future together…kids, a house, the whole thing! Sorry about the really long post.

  135. Sav

    Oh also, all our mutual friends have complained about him being emotionally unavailable and aloof – my friend talked to him about the break up and told him that going MIA on your girlfriend is not on, even if he did that to his friends, and his response was to say “whatever, I am what I am – she knew that”. And told her there was a limit to the amount of effort he could put into a relationship. Ironically, he stopped putting an effort in for those last 2 and a half months…basically he wasn’t willing to make any compromises. He has a 9-4.30 job, lives down the road from his work, and doesn’t go out with friends (I never even met his friends), whilst I was crazily busy at uni during the same time, and yet I never made him feel like I was too busy for him. He wouldn’t even tell me why he couldn’t see me, and made me feel incredibly guilty about the whole thing…like I expected him to spend all his time with me, even when I specifically told him I understood if he was tied up with other things, but that I just wanted to know why he was busy and when I could expect to see him!

  136. Sav

    PS. I’ve left out a few details otherwise it would be waaayy too long…like telling me he wouldn’t go out on weekdays and then refusing to tell me why…telling me he wouldn’t go out on Sat evenings because he had cricket in the morning, but then going to our mutual friends’ parties etc…shoving me away anytime I tried to show any physical affection…not replying to my messages half the time, or sounding constantly irritated to anything I said…I tried to compromise so much and take the blame for everything, and I’m not even a short-tempered person, even when I was annoyed at him I’d try and speak calmly and not sound like I was accusing him, but he would immediately get defensive and snap at me. In the end he made me feel like the world’s worst girlfriend, for having the nerve to ask him when he’d be free to spend time (like I mentioned, we’d go weeks without seeing each other and he wouldn’t tell me why, there was a point where I spent more time with my friends and even my acquaintances than I did with him). I just feel incredibly guilty…maybe if I had tolerated it a bit more he would have eventually made time, but after 2 and a half months I was sick of feeling like I was unimportant to him…

  137. thea Post author

    Well it is painful of course it is…But honestly it sounds like 1) it wasn’t really a good fit from the first day it kicked off 2) you gave too much all along the way 3) she took advantage of your giving nature.

    I am sure she’s a wonderful person and that you feel very strongly for her but it sounds like you’ve had a lucky ex-scape in the relationship sense.

    I could see you in ten or twenty years time all brow-beaten and hen pecked beyond recognition.

    She was a wonderful teacher and was in your life for the exact amount of time she was meant to be there. And you guys may choose to remain friends but you might consider a break of contact until such time you can be “just friends” without it being painful. It’s too hard to downshift right away.

    You guys are both young and have ample time to be so serious anyway. Don’t be in a rush to settle into something so serious…Work on being happy, healthy, and comfortable in your own skin without someone in your life in a romantic sense.

    When I was younger I used to use phrases like “I feel so used” (or taken advantage of) but later in life I began to realise that it was always MY CHOICE to give and if the other person just took – so be it.

    No one else is responsible for my happiness (or yours). You gave because you wanted to give and you got something out of it in some way. Some pay off. I am not sure what but we always do get a payoff of sorts. You enjoyed taking her out. You enjoyed waiting for her. You stayed despite her constantly being late.

    You were a willing participant. You got a lot of of it too. It just may not have been what you WANTED out of it (or in return) for all your giving.

    Your goal is to be happy yourself – not make anyone else happy. You have no control over anyone else’s feelings, love, thoughts, words, emotions – etc. Trying to make someone else happy is a futile goal. To be honest, she doesn’t SOUND all that happy regardless. Maybe it’s just the way you have written it…

    Find things to be grateful for and write them all down. Continue to add to the list. Also write down what you’ve learned about what you do / don’t want from a relationship.

    This time with her has served you well. It was by no means a waste of your time. So find the benefits. Hold on to them. You will love again. Maybe with her. More likely with someone else who will love / appreciate you.

    Ok so hang in there. x

  138. debbie


    I’m not entirely sure why i’ve chosen to write on here but i’m feeling very low at the moment and not sure what to think or do. My ex and i were together for 6 years (i am 26) and have a kid together and we have recently broken up (well recently imo). He moved into his own place about 7 month ago but we continued seeing each other a lot and then he broke up with me in January sometime, slept together for the last time about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

    i have took it badly to say the least. all i do is eat and i cant sleep. it did not come out of the blue as we started arguing a lot and it got quite heated but i loved him with all of my heart and we would always remain together. i have been trying to stay strong as i need to be a good mother but the moment that i dreaded and literally have nightmares about has happened: my ex has started seeing someone else. i dnt know if its serious or not but all i know is that i am being physically sick. it still feels so soon for me even though he claims we have been apart for ages. After reading posts on here im starting to understand that he has probably been emotionally checked out for a while and so it is not new for him.

    i have work and college and most importantly a child to think about so i know i should not be allowing myself to fall apart which is what im doing. i wake in the morning and feel like i cant breathe and i hate myself because of it.

    Basically i just wanted to let this all out as i dnt feel like i have anyone i can really talk to as my friends just say things like ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ and dnt seem to understand how badly i feel. i just need to know how to be ok.

  139. Wandz

    hello thea, i just read your latest post, im assuming it is the reply to my post. also, im not that young for i am already in my early 30s and she’s in her late 20’s.

    She just txt’d earlier today and she said that it’s over and she said that she’d always have a special place in her heart Minutes before a VERY important office meeting of mine via teleconference. I was talking to my foreigner-boss and he immediately noticed something with my voice, i just said that im just not feeling well.

    After my office meeting she called again and told me to call her for i have a phone plan that i can make unlimited calls… we talked again and it was a lengthy one, my voice was cracking and i began to sob… AGAIN… she felt guilty she said that she’d wanted to see me so she can comfort me but i refused because i know it wont change things i will only look like a fool in front of her crying… I also said that i dont want to plead and beg anymore… She again asked for me NOT to hate her, she asked if we can still be friends… FRIENDS?! how can i be friends with someone whom friendship wont be enough? She said that she also has issues as well, but i told her that im not enumerating her mistakes one by one for i know that she’s just human and she also has her share of bad days as well. I told her that never did once i complain to her, and i always did my best to make her and her family happy. I told her that i have accepted her in her entirety, not only a part of her. That to me, love is enough for you to accept one’s weaknesses and shortcomings, and i have proven time and time and again that i always keep my promises.

    she told me that she’s just OVERWHELMED by our relationship… That she’s simply becoming too dependent on me but I told her that i dont have any plans of controlling her, or forcing her to do (or not to do things), i told her that i am always supportive of her and that we are EQUALS, 50/50. She said that there are many things to tell but i guess wont be told anymore…. She also told me that I have issues with my temper and we have different stand on things… She told me that both of us cant change anymore because our principles and values are cast in stone already, i told her that it doesnt have to be “changed” but it’s more of meeting halfway, more of respecting one’s opinion, not monopolizing who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s more of respect and acceptance that no one is perfect and no one will have an identical set of values and principles as another.

    I told her that i have issues as well and i am acknowledging them and also doing things to address them, i know i have temper issues and it my insecurities revolving arnd my illness, that i may not be good enough for her when compared to her previous flame. You see, it’s quite difficult to dispel this fear that i really may die in such an early age… The anxieties and fears are real and they cause me to have sleepless nights. And when i think of her demands and her saying that there will always be ANOTHER man who’d be able to give her demands because she know what she’s worth, honestly, im tremendously pressured to meet those demands.

    We agreed that we wont see each other soon for some time then we’ll address our personal issues, a few weeks/ months maybe? She told me that im free and she’s giving me time to think about things, she also would like to think about things (or date other men as well i dunno).

    I told her that if she doesnt see me as the one for her anymore then might as well tell me ASAP so i can start moving on with my life…

    I am a mortal superman, i always act like a superhero but still mortal to have weaknesses, limitations, and shortcomings…

  140. thea Post author

    Well it all sounds very healthy to be honest. Your talk. Your taking a time out.

    >> I told her that if she doesnt see me as the one for her anymore then might as well tell me ASAP so i can start moving on with my life…

    I tend to be one who says “prepare for the worst” and hope for the best in life. I really do. So you may as well begin healing, working on the stuff you feel needs worked on and surrender the whole thing.

    The Scots have a fave phrase of mine “whatever’s for ye won’t go by ye”.

    If you two are meant to reunite – you will. You take care.

    We all have the shortcomings, weaknesses, and limitations. You’re only human – as is she.


  141. thea Post author

    While I am sympathetic to your heartbreak, of course, I am not sure what I can say here.

    You say you’re not sure what you can do and that you’d be willing to work it out – which is all well and good but this guy, at this moment is NOT willing to do so. There is nothing TO DO but to heal and move on.

    Dump him off your online sites/messaging programs and start to heal.

    This guy by your own words, was moody, unreliable, unwilling to work at things, make time for you, called you psycho and clingy and a whole zillion other things…

    If this was your BEST FRIEND saying all this to you – what would you tell her?

    Hang in there. Keep trying?

    No you’d say “ok I know you care but enough is enough, stop banging your head on a brick wall” for someone you’re making a priority when he’s only making you an option. Whenever he feels like it. And you’re just taking it or you’re more to the point arguing with reality trying to make it something different then what it is.

    The question now is less about him and more about YOU and why you’re attracting someone into your life like this and trying to desperately to keep him there. And your response should just be “because I love him” because whether that’s even true or not….what you’ve described by all accounts is NOT love.

    You are worthy of a guy who will call you, make the effort to see you, regardless of traffic, and who will value you. Stop settling for less. This guy has been a wonderful TEACHER for you. He’s shown you what you do and don’t need. A callous person who can’t even be there when you’re grieving is not the sort of man you need in your life for the long term.

    Take out an actual pen and paper and write down everything he did that was really right…and all the things where you’d wished for a different response (eg. sympathy after a death) and detach from the emotion for this exercise. While I know people aren’t black and white nor should our expectations be…but for this exercise be clinical.

    You’ll start to see the sort of Pro Con list in a different light.

    You have mutual friends – so you’re going to bump into him in the future I guess…

    But for now STOP ALL CONTACT. Not IMs, no texts, no emails, no FB contact – NOTHING. When you do see him stop trying to talk all this crap out. He’s made his case very CLEAR to you. He doesn’t want to be with you which is fine. You don’t want to be with someone you need to CONVINCE should be there anyway – screw it. But when you see him – smile – act as if you don’t give a crap, you’re happy, healthy, positive (not a psycho) and you’re moving on without him. No more time wasted. (of course you will FEEL different but acting a bit indifferent will bug the crap out of him I suspect). It would help if you smile a lot and are maybe a bit flirty with other people 🙂

    While I don’t encourage game playing as such – always the one who looks like they are getting on with their life, smiley, happy, embracing the world, is more attractive than the mopey one who acts all uncomfortable so in that case I say “act as if” – you’re over it – if you’re in mutual company. Cry later if you have to but it really does bug dumpers to see the dumpees getting on with their lives!

    As I think Shakespeare said “The best revenge is happiness”.

    So stop trying to build your case on how he’s wrong, you’re right and you simply deserved more. you’re arguing with reality and that’s what is causing the most pain. What you resist persists so surrender to it. Trust that it’s all unfolding divinely.

    You take care! Onwards and upwards. Avoid staring at this closed door and notice that open window over there x

  142. debbie

    hi, just wondering if you could possibly give me any advice on my situation.

    Also, he has tried to deny he is seeing her even though i know it is true. I called him and asked him to please have the decency to be honest with me but he was just screaming at me down the phone that i have to move on and it has nothing to with me who he sees. In addition to this, in the same conversation he claimed to have been working the previous weekend and thats why he never saw his kid, yet i then found out he was hanging out with her. I even had to delete my facebook as i could not help but see him flirting on it, i am so embarrassed! I think it is the fact that he doesn’t even care about my feelings which hurts the most. He is just so cold and horrible to me.

  143. Sav

    Thanks Thea, you’re absolutely right. I think my main issue is the guilt and self-blame I’ve been putting on myself – I felt that the reason he was acting colder towards me was purely because there was something inherently wrong with me, and that I had just been too impatient or hadn’t been clear enough with my requests, but like you said, he was there for me only when he felt like it, and being rude on a consistent basis to the other person in your relationship is never a healthy sign I suppose. I haven’t been contacting him at all, but I need to get over the guilt that everything was my fault and I ruined the whole relationship. But I’ll definitely try to move on. What really hurts though, is the fact that a few weeks after he dumped me, he went all the way to the same uni during peak-hour traffic to see one of our close friends (the one that asked him why he wasn’t talking to me) and got a movie and dinner with her, and has basically been going out to places more, especially visiting her, even though he told me he wouldn’t go out and wouldn’t come visit me and all of that…kind of sad because I had told her everything that happened and what he had said about not bothering to see me and she still acts reaally close and almost couple-y around him even in my presence, even though I know they’re just friends. At the same time, she tells me that she knows he behaved badly, so I’m a bit confused, not sure if I should stay away from her for a while or not, because she’s a very good friend of mine.

  144. Wandz

    Hello Thea

    Your words are enlightening, but now i am again confused with the situation…

    She called last sunday out of the blue and i entertained her call. When i answered she just said that she just want to have a chat so i obliged. Then when it was already evening, she texted and told me that she misses me and apologizes if she keeps on contacting me even if she hasnt resolved anything yet and she understands why im keeping myself away… My rickety defenses broke down so i called her and we talked and i said that i miss her too. I told her that the reason im not communicating is that i dont want to further drive her away from me, also, i dont want to influence her decision and i dont want to plead and beg anymore. I told her that she should just think of things and soul search if she still wants a future with me, if she doesnt want a future with me she can start dating other men.

    she was surprised that before i was begging and pleading and now i was saying those things. She told me that i should think of things too, i told her that i have already made up my mind and she knows my answer (which is i want the relationship to continue), but if she doesnt want to anymore i will walk away from her and she wont hear anything from me ever again. I told her to focus on her studies and profession for the mean time and prioritize herself. She asked me if i will find someone else already, i said that feelings and emotions isnt like a switch you can flick on/ off, i asked her the same question and she said that she also doesnt see herself seeing anyone soon (how long? i dunno). she then told me if she got into an accident will i shed a tear? OF COURSE! i also told her that my world will crumble, so she always has to take care of herself all the time.

    i still can focus much and cant sleep… when i close my eyes i see her face, i remember our good (and bad) times, im reading a back Getting Past your breakup, and im having a hard time implementing the things there like absolutely “NC” …

    Also, to add, my mom had a mild stroke, and my grandmom talked to me and she said that she feels she’s going to die soon, which, adds to my anxiety and sadness. Also, i have my own medical condition as well which really makes it hard for me… I have almost zero hours of sleep for the past week…

    Im thinking of suicide but i dont want to because it will hurt more people and it is against my beliefs, but im getting sadder by the moment… As if im locked in a cold dark cell with the key thrown away… Im going to the psychiatrist in 2 days and i would like to have professional help already in dealing with these things.

    can you please give me advice?

    thank you

  145. thea Post author

    Well my first bit of advice is to ditch the suicide thoughts / talk…Because as you say it’s not a real option. Secondly I don’t have the answers – I do wish I did. I think deep down though you KNOW what to do. The hard part is doing it.

    She’s amazed you’re not begging and pleading – as I often say – the exes hate (on some deep rooted level) seeing us move on. I mean they often say they want us to but when we start to it irks their egos. So you’re instantly more attractive to her when you say “away you go and think about stuff, I’m not begging o pleading”…

    Thirdly the psychiatrist sounds like a good option because there’s so much MORE on your plate than this relationship. Your health stuff, your mom’s health stuff (my dad had a stroke 2 years ago and it was the worst phone call I’ve ever had in my life….he followed that up with a broken hip…then the other hip broke…but he’s still going the coffin dodger! So yeah I empathise and hope your mom has a fighting spirit to bounce back from this!) and yes the relationship stuff too. Probably a few more worries in there…

    I’m reading a good book REWIRE YOUR BRAIN. What’s interesting about it is that it 1) talks about the first few years of our lives and how we bonded with our parents (or not in some cases) and how that has an effect on us later in life…something I always heard but she explains it well and 2) the art of mindful meditation – which is something that sounds like would benefit you for not just the relationship stuff but the health challenges.

    Anyway there is no “answer” to what you should or shouldn’t do. Not one anyone else but you can come up with anyway. Protect your heart. You and only you know what you can / can’t handle with regards to this girl. She sounds like she’s giving some mixed messages and frankly that tends to just prolong the pain.

    I tend to lean toward “prepare for the worst and hope for the best” – assume it’s over and start moving on. Then if she comes back and says “I really want to try again I love and appreciate you” – you can CONSIDER it.

    You may love and miss her like crazy and it still doesn’t mean she’s the one for you – for the long term.

    We’re not long on this planet – so I’d get on with life and make the most of it while you can. Surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you and who make the effort to be with you.

    Good luck. Keep me posted. OK?

  146. thea Post author

    Debbie – it sucks to be replaced. It brings out our worst thoughts and fears and insecurities etc…so it’s no wonder you’re struggling with this.

    He’s right now – who and what he spends doing is no longer your concern. You may WANT to know (thought it just bloody hurts so ignorance is bliss) and you may feel you’re ENTITLED to know but really that’s just your perspective and my fave phrase is “perspective is a mirror not a fact”.

    You can’t really expect him to change HIS perspective – when you’ll probably know how hard it is to change your own.

    Having a kid complicates things as you’re tied to each other indefinitely.

    I know it hurts when they act so disdainful, cold and detached etc – I have totally been there. it’s like the Tracy Chapman song goes – “Less than strangers”. But really 1) none of us can care for anyone we don’t care for 2) he may only be ACTING cold because he has a new toy to play with – he probably still does love / care for you on some level 3) regardless how he feels now – people change and it’s likely if you continue to react from a place of love not fear you guys may be able to have a friendly connection again in time.

    Don’t waste time being “embarrassed”. It’s more likely people are thinking HE is the one who should be. Hold your head high. Know your worth. Behave worthy. Other people will fall in line.

    You’re not a victim. You’re no less desirable now than you were when with him. This doesn’t need to be the breaking of you – it can actually be the making of you. Bring the focus back home to you. What about you and your life do you want to focus on changing? Start making plans…home stuff, work stuff, car stuff, education, things you wanted to learn…

    Time for some “home improvement” and by that I mean of Self. You have no control over what he does, how he feels, what comes out of his mouth or anything…you only are responsible for how YOU do and how you interpret this situation.

    Do you want to just survive or might you like to thrive? Get planning – for you and for your kid!

  147. thea Post author

    Ooof yes give them both a wide berth. It all sounds FISHY to me to be honest. Now he’s making the effort to make the trek!? to go out and do stuff. Bah.

    Ditch the guilt. Relationships take two and so do break ups.

    My best pal once asked me “was there anything you could have done / said that would have led to a different result?” (with regards to a recent break up I’d had some years back) and I paused for a moment and really thought about it and the answer for that moment in time was “NO”. I suspect the same goes for you.

    He just didn’t share your level of feelings and commitment for whatever reason. And I suspect when you move on to a better long term fit you’ll look back to this current period and be GRATEFUL that it ended. It may take many months or even years but you will be. I suspect any way.

    We never know until we have the benefit of hindsight.

    So be glad Mr Ambivalent is history and make way for Mr Adoring instead 🙂

    Good luck x

  148. Wandz

    Hello Thea

    yesterday she called MANY, MANY times (around 5x- 6x), in my office phone and celfone asking many things (email passwords, fun runs, schedules of things, phone numbers, etc), i talked to her in a humorous way each and every time she called and did my best so my voice sounded normal and even made her laugh. so why is she like that? am i missing something here? is she simply checking on me if im still warm to her? Didnt she just break up with me? So why is she suddenly like that? Im still hurting and almost had zero hours of sleep in a nightly basis for 2 weeks already…

    help? 🙁

  149. Sav

    Yeah, I think that’s the best option to take. She tells me he’s not worth it and that he’s just not boyfriend material, yet she’s always with him and being all close and friendly etc and it really makes me uncomfortable, considering she knows that he basically lied to me and I only found that out because he meets up with her all the time now. I have tried to talk about it with her and tell her that while I’m not going to demand her to stop being such close friends with him, I don’t think I can be close to her anymore, at least for a while. She got upset, but I think I have to start thinking about what’s best for me rather than worrying about how everyone else might feel. I know maybe I might have said something silly now and then during the relationship, but so did he – the difference is that I spent days apologising for the smallest thing I said or did and making it up to him, whereas he could never admit fault for anything (I think I may have contributed to that by always accepting blame for everything, for the sake of keeping him happy).

    I just can’t bear the thought of him walking around with this deluded notion of me in my head – a notion that I know, and all our friends know – to be false. It really frustrates me that he’s a 23 year old man who has been through his second long-term relationship (and is quite conservative in his outlook too in a traditional Indian way, doesn’t want a casual relationship…or so I thought) and still cannot recognise that a successful relationship involves effort, communication and compromise and solving inevitable conflict and problems rather than running away from them.

    Something weird happened the other day though – I’ve blocked him off my IM etc but haven’t deleted him on FB yet (I’ve barely been on facebook but I have to get around to it). We used to have this in-joke from before we were together that my friend (the one he hangs around with all the time now) was his ‘mother’, and I was his ‘father’, and we made that our family relationship status on Facebook. After he dumped me I deleted the relationship status immediately, and he didn’t do anything about it – I mean, we had absolutely no contact with each other and I didn’t want to seem like I was okay with being friends or whatever (when he ended it, he asked if we could be friends and I didn’t say yes). Now, suddenly, he’s tried to add the relationship request again, when I’m pretty sure he knows I deleted it, and it’s pretty obvious why I did that. I know it’s a tiny thing and I shouldn’t be reading too much into it but it’s out of character for him to do that…I made it fairly clear I didn’t want to be friends and have anything to do with him. Obviously I’m ignoring the request, and like I said I have to work up the strength to just unfriend him and block him, but it’s a bit confusing. Do you think maybe he’s testing the waters to see if we can be friends (which is out of the question for me)? It’s just very uncharacteristic of him to try and persist with something …and he only did this a day or two ago. It’s been two and a half months since it ended and I’ve ignored him since, so he knows that I have no intention of associating with him…

  150. thea Post author

    She’s definitely good at dishing out MIXED signals here I guess. Part of her wants you and part doesn’t. It will drive her mad if/when you finally decide “enough is enough” and you move on. Mark my words. Keep trying to sleep whenever you can. There is absolutely no point punishing your body. the lack of sleep is contributing to your anguish. You need sleep to heal and to get a rest from over thinking all of this stuff!

  151. Wandz

    Hello Thea

    I went to the shrink a few days ago and he gave me some drugs that will make me “calmer” , so far the effects of the drugs are good and i can now finally be able ta sleep at night, though i dont want to become dependent on these drugs but times are hard so i guess ill take this for the mean time.

    yesterday she txt’ed and asked me to go with her to her cousin’s houseblessing, the funny part is that she txt’ed me 3pm which is a tad too late for me and if i do get there everyone will be packing up already… i also got tempted to look into her Facebook acct and to my surprise (i believe) she’s already starting to date someone because she checked in a restaurant that we frequently go to when we’re still together, im torn if i should deactivate/ delete my FB so i wont be tempted to look at her FB acct anymore.

    why is she like that? does she want reconciliation? or she simply wants to torture me even further? didnt she break up with me? im just keeping my distance, never a txt from me, never a call, no nothing, then she keeps on texting and calling me… why is she like that? is hurting me not enough for her?

  152. thea Post author

    She’s texting you because she misses you still. She’s trying to move on in some way but she is having a hard time moving on too. She’s not trying to hurt you. She’s finding it hard to break the habit of you.

    I don’t know that she’s “dating” someone else. When I go through a break up I often go out with guys who are friends because it’s nice to have male company. So she may or may not be serious even if she’s attempting to see someone new.

    Glad you got some meds and hope that you manage to get some real rest. It will help you get back on track and start to heal more in earnest.

    As for FB if you’re going to be TEMPTED to keep looking at her – then deactivate. If you’re pretty strong, unsubscribe to ALL her feeds and force yourself not to go on her page – no matter what. (I think I’d deactivate her or yourself to avoid the snooping – it’s too painful).

    keep on keeping on!

  153. Sav

    Speaking of FB, do you think his attempt to add me to his family status again (to perpetuate the in-joke) is something I should just brush off?

  154. thea Post author

    I think I’d deny his in-joke attempt. Brush it off, yes.

    If he wants to be friends with you – he can 1) start acting like a man not a boy and 2) approach you with a bit of humility. It’s probably a bit too soon to be having any real contact and FB is a huge temptation. Are you guys friends on it at the moment or not Sav? I think when it comes to FB “ignorance is bliss”…x

  155. Wandz

    i see… so she really has no plans of coming back but just having “aftershocks” of our relationship…

    i see… that makes sense…

    i deactivated my FB already, that way i wont be able to see her FB anymore unless i log into it.

    whew… moving on is tough…

    should i hope for a reconciliation? or too much time has passed already to hope for one?

  156. Sav

    Yeah, I was always going to deny it. I was wondering why he might have done it though? I mean, I have no intention of becoming friends with him again – for me, being friends implies that I accept the guilt he placed on me for the relationship ending, and the only way I will talk to him again is if/when he can accept that he emotionally abused me for two and a half months, lied to me, insulted me and ignored me, and then got angry at me for getting upset and making me feel guilty. But when I have quite clearly ignored him for the past two months, why would he try and add me to the family status again? Like I mentioned before, it’s unlike him to try and persist with something like that, whether it be trivial or important…he’s more the kind of person who’ll just decide ‘oh well that was before, let’s just forget about it now’ without a backward glance, so it was very odd.

    I am still FB friends with him, but I’ve blocked his activity etc, and asked my friends to block me from seeing his activity on their walls, because I know whatever he writes will hurt me – I was already shattered when I found he was going to the movies with my friend, and going to her drama production and another friend’s 21st and so on, so I’ve developed the strength to not look at his wall, or look at anything on Facebook that involves him. I need to work up the courage to delete him off it entirely though.

  157. thea Post author

    Do you know what? I doubt she’s so calculating as all this. I suspect she has NO PLANS about anything…one way or the other. She probably doesn’t know how she feels as break ups are confusing for both parties. It’s a period of adjustment for her too. From daily contact to sporadic at best…

    Glad you deactivated FB – that’s a start, for now. On down the road you’ll likely be able to be her “friend” but not now.

    I tend not to HOPE for getting back together but surrendering to whatever happens. In other words as I think I said previously – assume it’s over and move on. You may or may not get back together but either way you’ll be fine. It’s not a case of “too much time has passed”. I’ve heard of people getting back together at 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years, and even fifty (!) so who the devil really knows with this sort of thing.

    Just stop looking to future and be present in the moment. The future is overwhelming, scary, sad, etc – when you’re in the early weeks/months after a split.

    I remember with my last ex, I had this thought of “I can’t believe I’ll never be with or have sex with him again” and it was the worst thought in the world but now it’s all distant memory…and the thought shifts to “Oh great, I get to meet someone new, and connect and be intimate with them.”

    It’s less a case of looking backwards and it becomes more a case of looking forwards. That adage of people staring at the closed door who miss the open window.

    No one knows whether you two will end up in a relationship again or if it will even last. No one knows that about anything – we only sometimes think we do. I’ve been in a relationship that I thought would never end (until death!) and it did.

    So just focus on the ONE TASK you’re responsible for – your own healing.

    Get as healthy as you can. Feel good about yourself. Feel balanced. Feel worthy. Feel like a thoroughbred. Accept nothing less than love and respect from yourself and others.

  158. thea Post author

    >> being friends implies that I accept the guilt he placed on me for the relationship ending,

    Well you could certainly choose to view it that way. I totally (respectfully) disagree.

    Ages ago I wrote a blog on here Ego Vs Love – What would Love do? Where I spoke of things like that. I used to believe how you do – that accepting / forgiving etc – meant condoning. But I no longer have a perspective like that any more. It’s wildly changed in 12 years of running this site and just plain getting older. I see things much less “right” or “wrong” or “black” or “white”.

    I see how the EGO makes us behave in certain ways (him and you in this case). We’re all just flawed doing the best we can with the skills and tools we’ve been given or acquired and as we grow and learn we begin to do better. It’s all we can hope for.

    I choose to think you did the best you could in the relationship. I believe he did too.

    I don’t say to deny him the in joke out of any failing on his part as such. I say to deny any attempts to be friends JUST NOW because it will likely HURT you to see what he’s doing and his “check ins” at places via status updates…namely any information could be / will be hurtful. There will be a time when it WON’T hurt but now it’s just too soon.

    Ok I just reread you haven’t deactivated him…but it’s good you blocked the activity. Wise move. Thank goodness there are different ways you can group your own news. Somethings you may want to keep more private and others the world could see (well if you’re like me). The less he knows the better…on the other hand there may be things you’re doing you’d kinda like to get back to him to signal you’re MOVING ON! (That bugs em to think about!) Hurts that ego of theirs…but I don’t say do it to play games. I say do it when you mean it. When you really are out there having fun. Don’t necessarily FAKE it. Make it real! 🙂

    You will delete if / when you’re really ready to.

    I am thankful to say I am not “friends” with any of my exes on FB – even if I am in real life on some sort of good terms with them. Means nothing in that respect hurts me – unless they mention something in an email of course! LOL.

    But I did get to the point after time elapsed that I am friendly enough with most of them and that feels good. Good endings with people make good beginnings.

    You’re doing good!

  159. Wandz

    thanks thea…

    the night times are the hardest when all the memories are gushing in, both good and bad…

    ill move on from this and will just try my best to live my life to the fullest…

    the only mistake i did was that i loved her too much, never in my wildest dreams did i think that she’d dump me like that as if i was garbage…

    oh well…

  160. thea Post author

    You’re absolutely right. Night times are the worst. That early period when this person is always the last thing you think about at night and the first in the AM is my least fave period too. Thankfully it passes!

    But as for being dumped like a piece of garbage this is just the way YOU are interpreting. It says more about you than it does HER…I don’t think she, for one second, feels like you’re a piece of garbage (she’s still contacting you). So you are actually torturing yourself with a thought like that – one that is actually untrue!

    So I’d work on questioning your thinking when things like that come up. I’ve probably recommended Byron Katie to you? She has changed my thoughts more than any other person in history I think. I still get the thoughts like that (painful ones about my own self worth) and now I recognise them for what they are JUST THOUGHTS. Not always true. So I am able to question them now.

    So for instance – take that thought “She threw me away like a piece of old garbage”.

    Is that really true?

    Can you know for definite that it’s true?

    Can you find evidence where, since the break up, she’s actually treated you like someone she cares about? Maybe list 3 things she’s done.

    What I find is that any time I make a statement like that I can always investigate my thoughts and find that the opposite is also true. I once asked an ex what the absolute worst thing he could say about me was and he said “you can be controlling”. Well you know what he’s right. There are times when I can (who can’t?)….but I said “can you find three examples where I’ve been easy going and totally NOT controlling” and of course that was possible too.

    So whatever your EX says about you is 100% right – and so is the opposite! And in a mind warping fashion – everything she says about YOU she is saying about herself because we’re all just mirrors of each other!

    Of course you may not fully grasp that yet…but I suspect in time you’ll see that. As I get older it becomes more interesting. I no longer make any judgements about my ex/es because I now realise that I am speaking of myself when labeling him and that anything I come up with – the opposite is also true.

    Pretty mindblowing stuff.

    Why not just assume your ex CARES about you and LOVES you on some level – but for now doesn’t feel a relationship is right for her for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or not fabulous – it just means it’s not right for her right now.

    So use the time wisely to work yourself. It’s all any of us can do (as I keep saying) 🙂

  161. Wandz

    Hello Thea

    thanks for the advise, yes u are correct, the “garbage” things is simply my mind playing tricks on me.

    Lately she has been very talkative to me, calling and emailing me all day yesterday. Last night she called me *again* , she told me that she misses me, she asked me if i still love her, i paused for a moment and honestly said that i still do, i asked her the same question and she also said that she still loves me too. She asked me if i will still be loyal to her even if we are NOT committed/ in a relationship, i told her that i cannot be loyal to someone that i am not committed to, that loyalty has a corresponding commitment. I also am about to change employer in a few weeks time and she said that i may find someone there that i may get “intimate” with , i jokingly said that only she can have my “mojo”, when the conversation was slowly getting “steamy” she hanged up… I guess she’s not comfortable talking about such things with someone that is not her boyfriend (anymore).

    She told me that she’ll be going in a vacation and i told her that i would like to go with her (am i dumb for suggesting this?) and she said that she’ll think about it.

    im doing my best to move on and not communicating with her anymore but she keeps on calling, txting, and emailing. I

    im confused…

    What should i do?

  162. Wandz

    we’re going to see each other tonight because she’s going to have her last shot of vaccine, im scared and ill see her again after 2 weeks and i dont know how i will feel like. i also have her all medical records that i will hand to her so in the future she’ll be able to use these as a reference.

    i dont know what will happen tonight but ill do my best not to talk about our previous-relationship. at least i did my duties to the very last and was a responsible partner.

    maybe after this i can finally vanish completely from her life and heal. i know that there are many men swooning over her so im sure that she’ll find someone sooner or later.

  163. thea Post author

    Well what ended up happening thing? Did it help or hinder your healing process? Either way you will be fine.

    Be strong as you can in any event!

  164. Wandz

    im confused… terribly confused…

    she still keeps on saying that she loves me, she keeps on “touching” me and asks to be kissed , etc, etc but doesnt want to commit… she asks me if i still love her and i say yes i do but why cant 2 single people that are in love be in a relationship? something’s wrong? am i temporary? is she trying to dump the moment she sees someone “better” ?

    im confused and getting hurt more…

  165. Wandz

    also, im trying the no contact rule, but she’s the one who keeps on txting and calling and emailing, and i cant control myself from replying because deep inside i still … love her…

    am i being played on?

  166. thea Post author

    It feels like you’re being USED as an ego boost to me but I am not sure. I don’t know her or you.

    I came across my colleague’s recent blog and thought I’d share it with you. He’s writing it about his sister but really the reasons he gives are pretty universal.

    Stop taking the calls. Stop massaging her ego by telling her how much you love and miss her. Give her a chance to actually miss you by not being there every time she calls for those assurances.

    I know she likes you and no doubt misses you but you’re not getting a chance to heal and move on like this. For whatever reason she doesn’t want to be with your NOW. That’s all we know. So stop accepting the crumbs she’s giving you. Please.

  167. Wandz

    i see… if i get the chance to talk to her a serious matter then ill bring this up and ask her if what her plans are.

    i cant do this forever…

  168. Wandz

    now that she got my attention again she’s ignoring me again and i believe that she really has no plans of reconciling with me in the 1st place, she’s just keeping me for the mean time that there’s no other guy yet and the moment she gets one she’ll throw me to the garbage can for good…

    she’s the most evil and cruel woman that i have ever known, she keeps on manipulating me,

  169. Sav

    Luckily he barely uses facebook these days, and even if he does, most of his activity is blocked off to everyone. No one sees his photos, or his friends, or any of his information (including me, even when we were together – a lot of the time he was always very secretive and vague about his life). He doesn’t post status updates or check ins, but like you said, I’ve purposely made my information accessible so he can see what I’m up to.

    One of my friends actually saw him a week or two ago and in an attempt to get him to open up, asked “so how have you been since…everything?” and apparently his reply was very short – just an “okay”. My friend told him that I’ve been feeling really up and down lately, and apparently he was just very quiet and didn’t really say anything. I wonder if he feels any kind of guilt or remorse at all! The night he dumped me, he even told my friend that I was too much effort (ironic, considering that he barely even talked to me properly for almost two months), and that he “couldn’t be bothered” in the relationship anymore…when she told him that surely I had a right to expect to be able to see my own boyfriend, he just told her that he wanted ME to calm down before he saw me…but he didn’t bother letting me know that, and when she pointed that out to him, he just shrugged and left. Again, it’s ironic that I told him repeatedly after I sent the email that I was calm and would like to meet in person to talk and sort everything out properly. How can someone just feel NOTHING after this? It’s like he feels no guilt, no remorse, no sadness…like I was never worthy or good enough for him to care about in the first place. Surely telling him that I can understand if he is busy but I miss him and would like to know when he’d be free to meet up as it’s been over three weeks since we saw each other is not overly demanding? I feel like I was the most selfish, demanding girlfriend on the planet! Maybe if I become more friendly with him, he’ll see how badly he misjudged me?

  170. Wandz

    Hello Thea

    We talked last night and i guess it’s not possible to reconcile anymore. The day started great, we were laughing, hugging, holding hands, etc, then when night came i talked to her. I said that i wanted us to be a couple again and i believe that she already had an ample amt of time to think things over. She said that she still wanted to be alone and if i cant wait for her then it’s my problem and it’s my loss (ouch). She enumerated my mistakes and shortcomings, like daggers being stabbed through my chest one by one, the most painful part is that she doubts that she’d be happy with me in the future and id give her nothing but trouble and problems, she also is worried that ill die early because of my illness. She said that we have contrasting personalities, and i am hot headed and sensitive, but what is funny that it’s always her that triggers those reactions, and she’s super critical of what i do and maintains a list of ALL the bad things and mistakes that I have done to her and her family.

    Based on that she said she’s more worried about spending her life with me than losing me all throughout… She said she loves me but she’s afraid of me.

    I just said that ill respect her decision and i have no plans of giving her a miserable and troublesome life.

    I guess, it’s time to move one, at least i tried one final time to win her back but it’s all over now…

    she painted me as someone who is hot-headed, hard-headed, evil, sensitive person that will give her nothing but misery and trouble in the future, who who’d ever want to spend a lifetime with such person?! of course no one would! but it’s totally untrue! ive never hit anyone in my life, never killed, never held a gun, etc, etc, all she sees are my mistakes and she keeps a list of my offenses…

    also, she’s miss congeniality, she has a steady stream of suitors (both former flames and newer ones) , the reason that she’s that confident of losing me is that she will certainly find someone soon that will fit her standards well.

    why did i meet such a person in the 1st place?

    anyway, off to sorrowland…

  171. thea Post author

    Well come back from Sorrowland. You’re no worse off than you were two days ago or two weeks ago. Only the mind TRICKS you into thinking otherwise.

    What you had was FALSE HOPE with her and that’s only because you’re emotionally attached to her. It will take awhile to DETACH from her but it will happen. And when you do, you’ll heal, be happy and likely bring in some woman who doesn’t trigger that fiery side of you. Someone who will love you, illness and all.

    The thing is – I’d actually list all the things she said about you and see if you can find them in yourself. She’s probably right. They’re ALL there but you know what I believe you can find evidence of the opposite of each one is also true.

    So she may say “you’ve got a bad temper” – and frankly most of us can have that at times. There will also be sometimes we’re cool as cucumbers. I bet you can find evidence to support that too. When you’ve been downright zenlike?

    You are sensitive, but I be you can find examples in your life where you’ve been not sensitive and hyper sensitive. I mean it’s all the same string just different points on that same piece.

    Evaluate what she’s said and ask yourself if any of it is actually TRUE and worth working on.

    Let her be the WONDERFUL TEACHER for you, and take all that pain you’re experiencing and channel it into being a wonderful, loving, positive, even-tempered young man.

    This has not been a wasted experience. You just can’t see that yet because you’re too RAW. But this woman could help you toward being the most amazing guy for the next gal! You may one day want to say “thank you” for all she’s done.

    Truly. Stranger things have happened.

    You don’t really want to be with a woman who doesn’t LOVE you, RESPECT you and who is CRITICAL of you anyway. You want to appreciated and to be around someone who is positive and builds you up not tears you down.

    You just settled for something less than that, but you won’t again.

    Just keep affirming your gratitude to all experiences – even the painful ones because they are the ones that help us grow and learn the most!

    You take care…don’t spent too long in sorrowville. Connect with friends. Are there any support groups in your country for the illness…maybe you can meet up with other people who have it – who will understand you/it?

    You’re still wonderful! & don’t you forget that ok? x

  172. Wandz

    Hello Thea

    Thank you for the kind words, maybe you’re wondering what illness i have and i have HEPB… Here in asia, it is hyperendemic and the govt estimates that 1/8 people here has it… I just happened to be born with it and back in the 80’s there were no tests abt it and it was a relatively unknown disease… I have been relatively healthy but with this disease my estimated life expectancy is only around 50 +/- 5 if you have it since birth… and that is the hard truth… adn the treatment is also expensive, so that is another burden… and instead of understanding my disease she uses it to emotionally blackmail me and make me feel like im trash…

    anyway, ill keep your words into mind, ill heal and move on and will try to live my life to the fullest.

    you take care too ok?


  173. Wandz

    (THea;s mind NOT YOU AGAIN?!)

    Hello thea

    i am confused again, after our talk last weekend i went full NC and ignored all her calls and txts last Sunday, it was painful… but i was already determined (or i thuoght so). then came Monday and she bombarded me txts and calls, asking things like

    “dont you want to meet me anymore?”
    “dont you like me anymore”
    “are there pretty girls in your new company? dnt entertain them”
    “you will now be working in a new shift, hold your mojo ok?”

    things like that!!!!

    then she started txting “our” intimate moments, on how she misses them, with DETAILS! at 1st i wasnt reacting and replying but with the bombardment of calls and txt i finally replied. now i feel stupid again…


  174. Wandz

    it’s as if she doesnt want me but if she senses that im finally moving one she then pulls me in again! what does she really want?!?!

  175. thea Post author

    Well you can see the NC is working to some extent. It drives her NUTS when you don’t reply because you’re an EGO boost for her. It makes her feel GOOD about herself to know you’re still there pining for her like a little lapdog…And when you don’t reply she barrages you with texts. Is that really the type of woman you want? Someone who plays with your feelings like that?

    You KNOW how she feels – she’s criticized you again and again – and yet as a total 180 degree mixed message she can’t bear the thought of you actually moving on to someone else. To not have you hanging there in the wings, just wishing / hoping / waiting like that.

    Who doesn’t want to feel ADORED. She’s human. Just like you and me. The trouble is – it’s PREVENTING you from moving on! That’s unfair. That whole “I don’t want you but I don’t anyone else to have you either.”

    Stop worrying about what sort of personality she does or doesn’t have. It doesn’t matter. Her personality is her business. Yours is yours. The only thing you can do is focus on your own life, personality, hopes, desires, etc. Nothing to do with her.

    You’re the key to your own happiness. When you’re done with her cat & mouse game you’ll stop it. Until then you’ll keep being toyed with.

    I know it’s hard to cut her off. I’d simply say “Look I love and care for you but I can’t do this anymore. If you don’t want to date anymore that’s fine but in order to heal and move on – I need to end contact. It’s not that I don’t care about you, it’s that I care too much. I wish you well but please do not contact me, unless you change your mind and want to discuss getting back together. Otherwise I’ll contact you again when I can handle it”.

    Use your own words. I just throw that sort of sentiment out there. If she really cares about you she won’t want you to be suffering – which you are.

    Let this one go. There will be a better more amazing adoring girl out there for you. Trust me.

  176. sim

    Hi thea

    I need help. It’s my marriage. I am 30+, married to him for last 8 years, before that- 7 years of relationship and 4 years of friendship prior to the relationship. I haven’t just loved him, I have worshipped him. We have a daughter who’s 6. A smart and bright kid who knows much more than a child of her age should know. Please excuse me for my language if anything’s wrong. I am not in my senses.

    I am an Indian and have unlimited social responsibilities. To begin with our marriage, we never had sex before our marriage. Due to this, my husband arranged for our marriage pretty early. My parents were completely against our relationship due to a major caste difference. I decided to go against them as I was not loved at my home also. I was an unwanted female. My so called educated parents wept when I was born. I have painful memories of my mother beating me badly with her footwear on my head. I almost lost my vision. Still, I can hardly see anything without specs. There’s a lot more that happened. In short, my childhood and adolescence have been full of pain. I found some protection from my classmate in Class 8 from the other teasing students of the class. I could hardly mix up with other children as I was not as they were.

    I had my own problems to think about. This feeling of protection made him the hero of my life. We became good friends. He was the most desirable person in school and I was the most unwanted one. Gradually, we started loving each other. He had girlfriends before me.

    For me, he was the first and the last person in ther world for me. I started praying for him everyday. He was also a clear hearted and loving person, always willing to help anyone. His sister was a smart lady who tortured me emotionally and I took everything as I did not want to lose him. His sister meant God to him in those days before he discovered her several relationships and abortions. He was under shock when i helped him come out of it. I never said a word against his sis as I never wanted disharmony in my family. Yes, honestly, I was a person who would bear pains to maintain peace. I had that patience in those days. A lot happened. I had faith in my guy and his Mom. I was always thinking that my mum always hated me, (she had beaten me so much) so God has blessed me with a Mother-in-law who loves me so much. I was ready to wear what she wanted. I was a teacher when my guy asked me to resign as he did not like it. I resigned. He forced me to marry asap as I was not ready to have sex before marriage. I also agreed to that.

    My parents accepted our marriage for social cause, for their image in the neighbourhood. My husband’s family was financially better than my family (my family also was not poor or financially weak. I suffered because I was unwanted). There wasn’t any celebrations. My family did not reveal the caste differences to anyone. They just declared my wedding in my absence and invited us for dinner for a social glimpse. All went well for them.

    My mother committed dowry to my mother in law on her own, which was never given. This was the seed sown by my mom. Moreover, my mom in law was not what I was thinking her to be. She was pretending. I was beaten by her as well as by my sister in law. My husband saved me. He took me to a separate house. He had a god father who also duped him by taking over all his money and the shops my hubby had, to marry his (God father’s) daughter. Those days were bad. During those days, our kid was born, giving us a reason to live. We would have committed suicide for sure, if she wasn’t there. We moved on. I started with a job, my hubby as well. My parents and in laws kept interrupting. Still, we made it worth living when my mother in law dragged us into her business. My parents pushed us. I don’t know what people want. It’s endless.

    I cannot write so much and you cannot read so much. This was just a glimpse or as they say ‘a trailor of the movie’. You can imagine what we went through. Now, I went into depression because of all this and my hubby does not understand that. He has helped me and I have helped him when he needed it. Also, I obeyed all that he said. But all those years, have now bewcome a cause of pain. Every time when something wrong was going on, I informed my hubby about it. He never listened to me and I had to face a lot. I was beaten, I was in purdah (my face covered), I was on floor saying sorry for something I never did. My husband was also a part of such incidents.

    Now, I am unable to forget that. Also, my hubby is with my in laws, working for his business and I am staying alone with my daughter. He visits us almost every ten days. But, when he is with us, he’s always busy with people over there (over the phone). When I call him, he hardly has time to talk. Even when, he’s free, he takes them out for shopping, shares drinks with my sister in law and I am the most ignored person. He tells me everything he does. All of these people have insulted me. I feel raped. My hubby tells me that I irritate him. I should not call him. I cannot go to stay with him as my daughter has already suffered on her eduction. Also, she has seen my mother in law beating me which she talks about often. I cannot take her back.

    My hubby promises me that everything will be fine and whatever he’s doing is for us. I gave away all my jewellery to him. I am not in a condition to work, mentally. I don’t know what to do. Today, he asked me not to call him. He blamed me for being the cause of my depression. And he said that I don’t mean anything to him at all. He has dumped me. He’s been doing this for last number of days but I never took it seriously. Today, I realised that he’s no longer there. I am unable to help myself to survive. I have to take care of my child. I cannot die. But, I am unable to live. She can sense everything. I even tried not calling him whenever he said but I love him and care for him.

    I never knew that he does not love me as he’s least bothered about my illness, my pains. This situation is killing me. I love him and cannot live without him. He says, he would debit money into my account and I should not call him. Trust me, I gave up my career and everything for him. I did what he wanted, whatever he asked me to. Now, he does not want me. I cannot live without him. I cannot express the pain I have. I do not even have friends to share with. I dedicated my life to him. Now, I am all alone. I cannot share all this with my daughter. Please help me…I do not want to end my marriage. In India, it’s a greater challenge. Please suggest me asasp…………..Thanks, Smriti

  177. thea Post author

    Hello I read this but don’t have the time to formulate a proper response this evening. Your story is long and involved and will take some consideration. Take this weekend and think about your life, yourself, and how it could be better. What areas can you improve regardless of your marriage. Health, fitness, educational levels (learn new things),…Do you meditate? If not, then now would be a good time to practice it. Go within. Will read more as soon as possible and come back once I have something to say. I just wanted you to know that I heard you. I’m listening. You will be ok. xx

  178. thea Post author

    Hi there Smriti I apologise for not getting back to you sooner.

    I don’t have the answers to fix your problems or anyone else’s…but I did want you to know that I read the post and I send you some thoughts and prayers. I really hope you manage to find an inner strength in you that you didn’t even know existed.

    The thing is you’re clearly a SURVIVOR you’ve been through much abuse in this world so that accounts for something. You’re still here. You know?

    The depression IS partly down to your previous experiences and how you’ve internalised them (like there is no worth in you). But there is worth in you and in all of us.

    You CAN live without him and it sounds like you may be getting that opportunity to try.

    If you’re not able to work then focus on some spiritual pursuits of building up your own self-worth (and not let people treat you like a doormat). Read some positive books (many can be read online) or sites that deal with inner healing, strength, growth, etc.

    Watch ALL of the LIFECLASSES here.

    starting with the one about stopping PAIN

    Do what you can to get out of this VICTIM way of thinking and make the shift to SURVIVOR.

    I mean ask yourself – “am I the kind of woman someone would want to be around?” – Do you lift people up or bring them down? If you met you, would you like you? What areas of your life can you control? Because you can’t control or be responsible for anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings etc – you’re only responsible for your own.

    If you don’t like yourself – you can’t expect anyone else to.

    I struggle with this too. I sometimes, myself, have a LOVE/HATE relationship with myself. Some of those times I am cruel to myself are triggered by current events trigger past hurts. It’s probably the same for you.

    You are the only one you can rely on now. ONLY YOU. You can’t make your daughter, or family or friends make you feel better, you need to find the way to do that somehow yourself. Find that inside of you. It’s there.

    I am sending you some positive, healing, zen-like vibes from across the miles.

    Have a beautiful day ok?

  179. sim

    Thanks a tonne thea… I think I will try to make it better for myself. Talking to you made me feel better. I felt that I have someone to talk to. Thanks for being there. Thanks for everything…. I will work on it and will get back to you.

  180. sim

    it’s very difficult. I can’t live without him. I love him (these words are too less to express my feelings).

  181. thea Post author

    Hello I am sorry you’re struggling but really it keeps coming back to someone else not being your source for your happiness or health. You tried that and look where it got you.

    You are starting from scratch. From rock bottom. You need to build it up one hour at a time. Your confidence, your proactivity, your health, your well being. It’s all down to YOU and not him. He is not your strength. That is inside you.

    Really do try to watch the shows I recommended. Watch as many as you can. They’re very enriching ok.

    You can live without him. You ARE doing it. So each time you say “I can’t live without him” say “I can handle it”. Keep affirming you can handle it. Because you can and are. And imagine what it would look like to be a woman who DOES handle it. One who is an inspiration to those around her (the child?).

    What would you look like if you were over it? Can you picture that strong woman? That woman who radiates love and confidence? that woman who attracts people to her – because she emanates such great energy?

    You have this STORY you’re married to. The abuses you’ve had. The pain you’ve endured. You’re constantly telling the story to anyone who will listen and that makes your past your present. Release the story with gratitude because all your experiences – good and bad make you who you are today. And you’re alright. You’re good even. But they’re all in the past.

    You’re abusing yourself with the thoughts and the story so put the story away and stand in the present ok?

    Take care,

  182. sim

    Thanks for the reply. I saw Oprah’s show and it helped. My apologies for a delayed response. I cannot be online often. But yes, I am trying hard. I am also working on the “Feel, Deal and Heal Theory”. I think it will take some time. May be because whenever I feel strong, he calls me for some reason. I again get carried away. Then again he starts behaving the same way and I have to start all over again. May be one day, I will achieve it.

    Thanks fo being there. I do not feel so lonely now. At least I have someone to share with. Rather, thanking you isn’t possible. Your help is beyond those limits.

  183. sim

    Hi thea

    My apologies for writing to you again and again. I really need an advice. Now, I was trying to be without him. And I was somewhat happy, when he came for two days. He took me back to the stage I came from. Again, I am back into same mental situation. I need to live for my daughter. And he is using me. I cannot think of getting separated as in Indian society, it’s still difficult. And, my daughter loves him. She wants both of us. She said so. And he puts all the blames on me. He expexts me to be a puppet. I tried being a puppet thinking that he would be reasonable. But he can never be reasonable. All my efforts have become worthless. I don’t know how to manage this. Please help me asap,. I am broken.

  184. Andy

    We met in March on We hit it off right away and things were really going well. I met her friends and her parents. We went away for the weekend. We both told each other that we loved each other. We were in love and both really happy. We made plans to go to Hawaii next weekend for a week. Then last weekend someting happend.

    She had a mother’s day party last Sunday. She had invited my kids and mom and her partents and friends. It was a nice party, but I got a strange feeling from her. She said to me that she needed to work hard until we went to Hawaii. I said okay and we texted through the week. My mom sent her a thank you note and her responce to her was that she loved me and she had a great time. Then the next day – I get an email from her saying she couldn’t afford to go to Hawaii and that our relationship what strained. Further, she said that she was going to walk with a friend on Friday night and we could meet at 6 on her house on Saturday. My first reaction was that this was a dump. At first, I said okay I’ll see you then, later I texted her and asked are we over? What she said was that she wasn’t going to do this over text.

    We have been texting back and forth about me getting my things and I went and got them yesterday. There was a note in my stuff that said that it was my fault and I broke it off with her and she ment it when she said she loved me. I texted her back that I didn’t want a brake – I just didn’t undertand her email. I left it open in my last text to her saying that I love her and wanted to work on it – but have not heard back.

    My heart is broken. I don’t know if I should start NC, I have not heard from her since yesterday afternoon.

    Confused and broken…

  185. thea Post author

    Andy I am so sorry. Of course you are hurt / confused. I didn’t quite follow – did she say “It’s my fault” or was she saying it was yours. Grammatically speaking I was confused!

    In any event it sounds like it was something that has blindsided you – over night like but for her she’s clearly been thinking about this for weeks or longer. It’s been 2 months – that’s a bit too soon to be citing feelings of love, in my opinion. Sounds like she got swept up in it (and you too) before you really had the time to get to know if each other were a good fit. Not what you want to hear I know.

    I find these short relationships, where it ends in the early stages can be the hardest because we’re left when the going is still good. We’ve still got this amazing potential and not gotten to know all their annoying habits, or how incompatible we might actually be in terms of long term break ups.

    I am so sorry for this I really am. I know you feel broken but maybe it’s better to happen before having a heavenly time in Hawaii and getting chucked after it.

    In your head it’s all been rosy until now – but realistically it didn’t work for her for whatever reason. It may not be totally over – but if you have any hope at all – I’d try to back off, give her space, you’ve told her you want to make it work and it’s now been said so step back and try to be NC. Try to heal and come to terms with this.

    Pushing for answers will likely push her further away. She may not even know why she bolted. It could be simply a case of “self sabotage”. It could be “cold feet”. It could be she met someone else or still has feelings for an ex. It could be any number of reasons she backed off.

    Again it could be anything. She may not even know!

    So confide in friends, get busy with your kids/family etc, try baby steps at moving on and trust it will work out one way or the other. She may come back if she works out that what it was had nothing to do with you – or she may not. But if you start to move on you’ll be better equipped to handle it either way.

    It sounds like HER issue rather than yours but I can’t be sure. I do know it smarts. The guy who “inspired” this site was a short term one – and I took ages to get over it (like 2 years). I was mentally STILL in the relationship long after he had walked away. I pined. I carried false hope. I handle those disappointments totally differently now (12 years later).

    I wish ’em well. I find reasons I am grateful I had the time with the person (whoever and however short). I take away what lessons I can and I move on. Of course I don’t do it in a week or two but I also don’t take years to get passed it now! Find the balance between mourning and healing and moving on. In your own time.

    But yes, in a nutshell, NC is the way forward for now. To be honest, I don’t think you’ve heard the last of her…but whether or not you begin dating again is a different story.

    Take care – you’re gonna get through this. I promise. (Well if you want to that is). x

  186. kevin

    we were together for three years. We fought a lot, but also loved each other a lot. This valentines day i asked her to marry me and she said yes and was thrilled. However, right around this time she began to kind of change. She began to get annoyed with me easily, like she was getting sick of me. She was less affectionate, never wanted to have sex, hardly kissed me or even touched me like she used to, but claimed claimed nothing was wrong. Well, as this trend continued, it started to make me crazy. I began to get jealous and suspicious and the fights got worse. After a massive fight on her birthday, she said it was time for a break. I was devastated and didnt give up on her. It wasnt a real break up because we kept talking and hanging out (and fighting) and when the fights got bad she would flip out and cut me off again. Saying the meanest things she ever said to me (I hate you, I dont want to be with you, I cant stand you, I like other people, ect.) and after a few days she would miss me again. When it seemed like it was over for good i decided to go home to NY for a while. We had just graduated from college anyway and it was time to make new decisions. I thought maybe i would move back to NY. Well, we started to talk again right before I left and when she took me to the airport we were both crying and she asked for the ring back, told me she was still in love with me and that she wanted to live with me when I came back. Sure enough after a couple days being in NY she began to act distant from me and pretty much instigated a fight and ended it again over the phone (saying all the mean things again). Of course i continued to call and text her, trying to get her back but this time it hasnt worked. She claims its really over. These past couple months have been terrible for me. She has broke up with me and come back to me so many times its like i have to deal with the pain of breaking up every other day. Now that were really not talking I think about her all the time. EVERYTHING makes me think of her. And being 1500 miles away is making it seem so much worse. I cant sleep, eat, have fun with my family and friends or even think about and make plans for my future, which should be most important to me right now. I have this unbearable sadness that has put me in such a dark place. I dont know if i should go back to FL and try to get her back or if i should cut my losses and stay in NY. I just cant believe that its over and all the plans we had for our future and the way we felt about each other was one big lie.

    Im just extremely heart broken and cant make sense of any of this. I dont understand what happened. She used to be so in love with me and i miss the “old” her terribly. I just want her back : (

  187. thea Post author

    My initial gut reaction is that you stay put. It’s been on off for a while now and the stuff coming out of her mouth is someone who doesn’t really love and respect you. Because if we do love and respect someone we don’t behave in that way. The problem is that it’s tough to break the cycle of an off-again-off-again thing. We keep thinking if we could just say or do the right thing it would work out.

    To my mind this relationship work out – at least not for a long long time.

    You’re both young – you’re in a state of flux. You both might be better focusing on the tasks at hand.

    You’ve got rose colored glasses on by this whole “I miss the old her” – well she’s gone and you’re arguing with reality on that one.

    I am sure she is a fabulous person but right now she’s not the one for you.

    Maybe as you grow up and mature more – and so does she – things could work on down the road but as my best gal pal says “Sometimes it’s better to just make a clean break and start fresh with someone new – rather than go back down that road already traveled”.

    I say focus ALL of your energy on your life – work – family – health – and find moments of fun. Miniature golf, batting cages, go karts, biking, kite flying, whatever…and as you do, you’ll start to feel more and more moments of happiness.

    Make THEM be your focus and a way out of the darkness.

    Get a notebook and pour all the stuff you want to say to her – into it. Get it out of your brain so it stops swimming spiraling there.

    Meditate. Start with one minute at a time where you just take your focus inwards. Then add on a minute each time.

    It’s time to step off that roller coaster. Heal. Make way for someone who is a better fit. Not who blows so hot and cold.

    But make sure YOU are the kind of guy a gal wants to be around.

    Someone who is positive, fun, intelligent, kind, loving, interesting, infectious, ambitious, stable, and respectful (to name but a few).

    ARE YOU the kind of guy a girl would want to be with? Do you believe you’re worthwhile because someone who takes disrespect from someone for so long make me think there’s room to work on in the self-worth realm.

    So work on you – it’s all you can do. You can’t coerce, persuade, or convince someone to love you and want to be with you – nor should you even want to.

    The right person will know your worth and act accordingly.

    So yes. Stay put. Sort yourself. Maybe in time things will change. But for now – it’s Self Work time for you my dear!

    Congrats on the graduation!

  188. Maanasa

    Hey…I’m an 18 year old who was dumped 3 months ago after a 2 year long relationship. Here’s my story.

    I’m currently in the 12th grade…he and I have been in the same school right from kindergarten to the 10th grade.

    Coincidently, we both changed schools after 10th grade and landed up in the same new school!

    This new school was very different from my old school…the kids around were of almost a different breed…they we rich, partied a lot, drank a lot, u get the picture, things he and I were really not used to. But we found our way, and things seemed to get better as we slowly got used to the new environment.

    Somewhere down the line, about 4 months into the year, I slowly noticed that things began changing. He behaved very differently with me. He also started hanging out with the wrong people. He wouldn’t talk to me in school, would hardly call me or text me…and it began worrying me.

    At that point, we had been together for a year and a half, and I had no idea what had triggered him off. After repeated questioning, the most I could gather was that i hadn’t done anything wrong. That’s it. I kept asking him if he had gotten into drugs and if he was smoking something or drinking, because i could see the symptoms.

    He screamed at me when i brought any of it up. ‘i would never do those things, don’t u trust me?’ that was what he said.

    He wouldn’t talk to me about anything that bothered him, and his increasingly aggressive temper scared me. I knew something was not right. I tried talking to him about it so many times, only to get shot down. I slowly began consoling myself that it might be something at home which has him off all the time…and I just let things be. I didn’t have any other option.

    On January 21st, 2012, 5 days after our 2 year anniversary, I wake up to a text message which says, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

    It literally had me paralysed. I immediately called him up, only to have my call rejected, just like, honestly, 30 other calls that followed.

    He said the relationship had lost its excitement, and that the relationship was too dry. So here’s the thing. I come from a conservative family. I could never tell me mom about me having a boyfriend cuz I knew she wouldn’t approve. I had lied to her for two years about my dates with some excuse or the other, I’m going to see a friend, blah blah. But I couldn’t do it very often because, one, I didn’t like lying to her like that, and two, she isn’t stupid enough to believe my lies all the time.

    This was something I had told him right in the beginning of the relationship, that we will not be able to go on dates as much as u like because of my mom. Then, it didn’t seem to matter to him.

    But now, as the text messages continued, he told me that he had a HUGE problem with me not telling my mom. I mean, he doesn’t know my mother, he doesn’t know how she reacts to situations. I do. And I kept telling him that im ready to lie to her just so that I can go out with him. But it didn’t seem enough.

    Our relationship did have its physical touch to it, and from what he said, ‘it’s too dry’ what am I supposed to gather? The thought that he wasn’t satisfied enough hit me hard. I mean, that’s how i interpreted what he said cuz he didn’t care to really elaborate. What did he want me to do? Throw my clothes off every time I saw him?

    So when I protested saying that he at least owed me a phone call, he said he had nothing to talk to me about. Just like everyday of our relationship. It was boring. He broke up with me over text messages.

    I was really really hurt. the next day in school, he didn’t even look at me. I hadn’t eaten in 48 hours and he seemed not to care. My mom figured something was wrong and she confronted me on the same day. She was angry. She said she knew this was about some boy and that I’m not emotionally mature enough to handle these situations and that I should not get myself into these situations. She also told me that she would never approve of me having a boyfriend at this age. This was precisely what I had drilled into his head earlier, which he never seemed to understand. And now, my mom knew everything. I had spent so much effort to avoid this situation for 2 whole years.

    A few weeks later, our school had organised a camping trip. We had to travel overnight to reach the camp site. During our journey, in the bus, I was sitting alone, with my iPod, staring out the window. Just how I liked my journeys to be, and I wasn’t in the mood to really interact with anybody. Yes, I was depressed, I didn’t care about anything. I wanted to be alone. I was angry. With myself, with everything. I would occasionally look back at the rest of the bus, just to see all my friends having fun. And also, look at him having fun. He had another girl from my class sitting on his lap. Let’s just refer to her as P. I burst into tears.

    He randomly came and sat next to me after a while, and began asking for forgiveness. He said he wasn’t in the right mind when he said those things to me. I didn’t give a damn. Looking at his face made me want to kill something. He sat next to me and cried for the remaining 3 hours of the journey. He said he didn’t know why he said those things and that he really wanted a second chance. When I asked him about P, he said it was nothing and that he was hanging out with her just to make me jealous. I mean, what?! The stupidity his words were filled with, made me want to cry more. He dumped me. Not the other way around!!

    I cried, he cried, and it was just beginning to cloud my judgement. I missed him so much. I began leaning into his chest. I constantly thought to myself if I should get back with him. That was my moment of weakness. I missed hugging him and the warmth of his body.

    After a few minutes I snapped out of it, remembering all the crap he had said to me on the day of the break up. I couldn’t even look at him. I asked me to leave me alone, and that the damage was already done. But I told him, that I had forgiven him. Because I knew that he was not himself when he said those things to me. I’m not one to hold grudges. And definitely not one against him. He was my best friend first and foremost, and we had literally grown so much together.

    So much has happened since the trip. I started getting close to another boy. Let’s call him K. I needed something to get my mind off everything and him. I knew nothing was going to happen between k and me, he was in a way, a rebound. So k and I began hanging out a bit, which apparently bothered J (my ex boyfriend who I’ve been talking about this whole time). K and I constantly kept text messaging each other and we began getting close. Only later did I gather from some class mates that J had taken my phone from my bag one day in school, and had read the entire conversation between K and me, and had told all his friends that k and I were going out. Word spread, each one adding his own version to the story, so much that it had reached my best friends in my previous school. This shattered me. He had no respect for my privacy? When I confronted him about this, my anger had reached a whole new level. He said he did it cuz he was insecure and that he couldn’t picture me with another guy. I didn’t know what to say to him. He seemed so pathetic.

    My girlfriends from my old school were angry with me cuz they heard this story from someone else and not me. They didn’t trust me anymore. What hurt me the most is not that J did this, but he tried coming in the way of me and my friends. That crossed the line. And also, later I figured out the whole reason why he had changed so much. I was right when I said he had gotten into drugs. He was smoking, drinking and what not. He lied to me when I asked him in the beginning. He was doing all of this behind my back. He broke everything we had. For what, fitting in with the crowd. He was a totally new person. He wasn’t anything like this when we were in our previous school. I knew how the real J was. But, apparently the old J was long gone.

    Looking at this whole thing today, 3 months later, I miss him like crazy. Even after everything, I loved him like mad. He was everything to me. I see him in class every day, and it’s so hard to act like everything’s normal. He constantly keeps trying to talk to me, and there have been 2 occasions where he has tried getting back together with me. He clearly isn’t over me either. I feel so lonely without him.

    All said and done, we had some pretty great times during those two years. I miss everything so much. I can’t seem to move on from this. It all happened so suddenly. But I know that we cant get back together. I really can’t get over it. Please help me.

  189. thea Post author

    Oh boy! I was sorry to read this tale. I wish I could “help” you. You’re doing what you need to be doing though -you’re taking each day as it comes, in order to move on. You can’t switch off those feelings for him, they’re just going to take time to process them…And all that history you’ve had. It can’t be forgotten. You’re are part of each other’s lives forever – even if you never spoke again!

    But in a way, and I am sorry to say this, I kind of agree with your mother. 18 is so young to be bogged down too much with boys. Honestly I see you myself in you. Most girls at that age are wrapped up in guys, crushes, boyfriends, whatever. I know I was and in a way I feel like i wasted too much time back in the day (and still sometimes now) mind-fecking about this guy or that guy. Pining even.

    You miss him. yes. You won’t be able to stop that. But in time it won’t be as strong as it is now.

    I think taking the next few months out from boys, rebounds, crushes and the like would be a healthy thing. Try to focus on the studies. You won’t always be at this school, you’ll likely move onto University as a guess, and your circle of friends with grow exponentially.

    So try not to dwell too much on this moment as the bigger picture is wide / vast.

    Try to focus your energy on your family, your true friends, (the ones who support you and don’t get all mad because of what you did or didn’t share), your school work etc.

    You’re right to forgive your ex – he’s growing and learning just as you are too. As we all are. NOT forgiving him is pointless. It’s a waste of energy. So keep on letting it all go ok? Keep writing it all out. Maybe find a way to channel this pain into something positive? A story. A screenplay. A novel. A song. Whatever.

    What you’re describing is universal – for all of us all over the world, it really is.

    It was a first heartbreak and it’s likely it won’t be your last (sorry!)

    You sound good. Better than you even realise. Keep on keeping on hon. xx

  190. Fermin

    Never thought I’d post in something like this. No offense to everyone else, it just isn’t like me. I never thought I’d even be heartbroken enough to.

    I dated this girl for 2 and a half years. It was amazing and very difficult because of her strict parents. I’m 22 and she’s 20. When we began she told me her parents wouldn’t approve so we would have to wait to tell them. It took about 8 months for her to even introduce me to them. Even then she said I was just a friend. We had to hang out in between class and on the occasional weekend, always coming back in time to pick up her little sister from work (usually around 6). Also, she lived 40 minutes away, which after work, school, and sometimes going to her church really tired me out. Anyway, after a year I asked her dad for permission to date his daughter, and I got it. Things didn’t change much, unfortunately. Well, not yet at least.

    During the last few months I moved to San Francisco for school. Its about 2 hours away, which only allowed me to see her on the weekends. I left her with my job at my family store as well as with my car since she didn’t have her own and I wouldn’t need one. She eventually got a second month a few weeks later. After 2 months of working at the new job she told me she had fallen in love with her boss and wanted to be with him. He’s 11 years older than her. I was destroyed. How did this happen so quickly? Worse, why was I told through a text? Eventually we spoke in person (because I said we needed to). I did all the talking while she sat there replying only in nods and “I don’t knows”. I was never told whyshe wanted to be with him. No closure and she when asked what I did wrong/what did he do better all she said was “nothing, you’re perfect.” I began to get over the breakup until 3 months later I found out she was engaged to him. I was heartbroken all over again. It hurts knowing that I worked so much to be with her and this guy one her over with a text message. Her dad fully supports her decision. Her mom doesn’t. Her pastor and friends from church don’t. We were both waiting until marriage to have sex; something I looked forward to sharing with her. Knowing she’ll be giving something so important to a guy she barley knows is heartbreaking. I can’t make sense of this. I wanted to prpose to her. I would have, had I had the money. It just doesn’t make sense.

  191. thea Post author

    No offense taken. LOL. A lot of people start out the way you did. But being crushed emotionally makes us long to understand, to reach out to people who’re going through what we are and who have been there.

    My gut reaction is “it’ll never work” with this guy. An 11 year age difference when you’re 20 is a lot different to when you’re 42 & 53 or whatever. But I guess we never know and maybe it will. I still think it’s unlikely. They are at two different places in their lives. They work together. They’re engaged within a few months…I highly doubt she’ll wait until marriage now. A 30+ year old is less likely to wait (as a guess).

    But none of this is any of OUR business. The thing here to focus on is you and your life. You’re in SF – one of the greatest cities of the world. You have university to contend with (SF State). The less you know / hear / learn about what’s going on in her world the better. Truly ignorance is BLISS.

    At 22 you’re at the perfect age to meet and get to know so many people. Went to uni not far from you in fact (50 miles or so north) and it was the greatest time of my entire life (transferred in after a JC). Stayed in the dorms. Made some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. So if I could be your future self and offer one piece of advice it would be to SAVOUR this time. I mean join as many clubs as your schedule will allow. Make friends out of classmates. Take advantage of trips out to the beach by the Cliffhouse, bring some tunes, take in the scenery.

    Write. Study. Learn. Grow. I can guarantee you’ll have other loves in your life. This one was arguably a “puppy love” in the great scheme of things but as this one is your first real big heart break it’s hard to see beyond it. To imagine a life without her and being over it. But you will. I had one of those back at my ‘state’ days too. My first love. I didn’t wait until marriage to have sex for the first time but I did wait until I was in my early 20s and I loved the guy and he loved me. It was right for us both and I was so glad I waited. But we split up going into my Senior year and everything was a constant reminder. It was a challenging year but I moved on, had other loves, and other losses and I remember that first one with only fondness and gratitude.

    You will bounce back from this. You will love again. You’ll find someone who will commit to you and love you back and won’t saunter off into the sunset with the first “father figure” that happens across her path!

    But really my 2 top suggestions are –

    1) absolutely minimise ALL information filtering back to you – that means cutting out those family members and friends until you hear some more. You need to avoid all updates on her, how’s she’s doing, what the plans are etc. Ignorance is bliss.

    2) Make the most of your Uni time. The city. The people. Say yes to all invites that you can. Learn as much as you can. Trust in your faith to see you through. You have to believe that there’s a plan for you and this is happening for your highest good. It really will work out.

    There are always silver linings in this sort of thing. Look for them. Now you’re F R E E to make the most of this uni experience without having to answer to anyone – to rush home at weekends. Vow to make the most of this time in the city.

    As I say, 20 years on, I look back at my University days with the happiest of memories, nostalgia, and it was the one and only time I had a “click” of my own. Never before or since did I have such a great circle of friends. It was then I met my best friend (he lives in SF still) and we’re close as ever even though I now live 7000 or so miles from there!

    You don’t know where the path is taking you. You really don’t yet. 1 year after I graduated university I was married and moved half way across the globe. Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride hon. It’s going to be a roller coaster but it’s a good one!

  192. Carley

    My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me 9 days ago. We met in high school when I was 16. Started dating in 2008, he was from a different city then the one we met in, & decided to move back there in 2010. It was only two hours away & we decided we wanted to make it work. He broke up with me a week before our 4 year anniversary. Almost 2 of the 4 years were long distance. It was hard, and we had our ups and downs but I really felt like we could make it through anything. A few months ago he took me to look at engagement rings, I really felt like we would be together forever. He broke up with me 9 days ago over the phone & said he just wasn’t happy anymore and he didn’t want to keep hurting me ( he lied a lot, & turns out he cheated in the past). I am devastated. I’ve never been so hurt in my entire life. He’s also been hanging out with this new girl a lot, and I really feel like he left me for her. I did everything for him, I helped him buy a car, a phone, practically bought his whole wardrobe, gave him money whenever he needed it. There wasn’t anything in the world I wouldn’t do for this man, because I love him so much. How could he throw away 4 years and move right on to someone else? How could he plan a life with me and then just throw it all away? I honestly don’t feel like I can take this pain, & I don’t want to. I pray to God every single day to take my life. I just don’t know where to go from here & I don’t want to live without him.

  193. Jack

    My girlfriend dumped me last week. We were only together for three months, but the severity of the devastation hurts all the same. It just seemed so sudden and out of the blue. In a way, I’m still shocked at what happened, and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. I hope that telling my story on here will be part of the healing process.

    I met her online in late April and when we first started out, it was great. I had spent years dating but not really meeting anybody I felt a strong romantic connection to (and vice versa) until I met her. We liked each other and were very enthusiastic to see each other again. It started out casually, but as the weeks went on, we started to see more and more of each other until it was pretty clear where it was heading. I introduced her to my friends, she introduced me to hers, and we started spending the night with each other. I thought, finally, I met someone I can embark on a relationship with! No drama, just a healthy relationship with two mature people who are attracted to one another. But I guess the old adage is true: if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

    Early on, she told me that she was still recovering from her last relationship with her ex boyfriend, and that he hurt her really bad and that she would need patience and understanding while she healed. I told her that I understood and would try my best to respect her boundaries. I can be a little dense sometimes (as all men can be) but I genuinely tried to accommodate her. At around the 3 month mark, things were going strong – but then, one day after spending the day together, she got cold. We had agreed that I’d stay at her place that night but I got the sense that she didn’t want me to. I asked her whether she still wanted me to and she said yes. I spent the night, but in the morning, she was cold and distant.

    The next day, I was dumped. Via email. She said she wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I wanted. She told me that I was an excellent boyfriend but that she was still too hurt to open herself up to someone right now. She said she wanted her independence and that she didn’t want to have to worry about someone else, about getting hurt and possibly hurting someone else. She said she had a good time with me, but that it was best if we parted ways as lovers and just stayed friends.

    I was heart broken. I told her that I couldn’t be her friend, wished her the best, and immediately cut ties with her and cut contact. The first days were rough. I knew our relationship was a short one, but I just couldn’t understand how she could drop it on the drop of a hat like that. I was confused, hurt, and felt betrayed. We had made all these plans together – the things we were going to do together, the trips we were going to take together, the relationship we were doing to build together. In an instant, it was all gone, and I was back to zero.

    I felt myself getting better after a few days, but then all the bad feelings came back a week later, for seemingly no reason. And that’s where I am now. I keep looking at my phone, hoping that she’ll call or text. I want to know that she misses me like I miss her. I want to hear from her that she made a mistake and that she wants me back and that she was wrong to dump me the way she did. I want her to know that she hurt a good man.

    Of course, the call, the text, the email, it hasn’t come. And I have been very good about no contact – I unfriended her from facebook and the friends I met through her. Just seeing her and them hurt me. But I couldn’t help myself and look at her public twitter feed and saw that she’s just conducting her life as normal, as if nothing happened. The feeling of combined sadness and anger at that was overwhelming.

    It’s hard to talk about this with my friends. They all tell me the same thing: that it sucks what happened to me, but that it wasn’t a long relationship and that I shouldn’t feel that bad over someone I was with for such a short period of time. I know they’re right, yet I feel the way I feel nonetheless. I have the confidence that I will move on and be a better person and meet a better person for me. But that dull pain in my chest remains, and that feeling of sadness and anguish is the first thing that comes to me in the morning. It hurts, all the same.

  194. thea Post author

    What your buddies don’t realise is that sometimes the short ones hurt more than the long ones. Odd as that sounds. Because as you’ve so eloquently pointed out…you’d just started to embark on something promising, you’d connected with someone mutually, you had expectation it would last – at least longer than it did. Now you’re mourning “what could have been”. You hadn’t really gotten to know the “real her” you were still in that rosy honeymoon phase…So yeah it sucks a whole lot losing someone even if only after a short courtship.

    So pay the pals no mind. They don’t get it and that’s fine. Some day they might!

    I think it’s good you’re being strong on the NC. You’ve told her not to contact you – so you don’t be reading too much into her NOT doing so! She’s respecting YOUR wishes.

    The one thing that has been one of my biggest pet peeves in 12 years of this site is people doing what she did – dating “too soon”. But sometimes with the healing process we THINK we’re over someone and it’s only when we start to get close to someone new we realise we’re not over the last night. I am sure she had no intention of hurting you that way. It wasn’t malicious. She probably could have kept going, unsure of her feelings, using you for the fun, the dates, the sex, kindness, or whatever she got out of you…but she was HONEST. so credit where credit is due.

    In the early days of launching this site I’d have probably flipped out at her for doing something so immature as dumping by email…but you know what – only a few years ago I did the same thing. Here’s why I did it.

    I liked the guy – much the way she liked you. I fully enjoyed his company. We had the best dates I’ve ever had with any guy. He was lovely. I was attracted to him. But in my case there were things I knew didn’t make us a long term fit (I can’t go into them but I had my reasons and many years later the things that were an issue then are still an issue so I made the right decision). I knew though if I saw him face to face to try to end things, I would bottle it because I actually REALLY enjoyed spending time with him.

    So I took the time thanking him for all the wonderful times. I explained what I felt. it wasn’t really about him as such but more of us not being a good fit. I could take the time in an email to really think out and explain what I felt. And to be fair we’d only saw each other like 2x a month so much of our SHORT relationship was conducted via email anyway!

    So was a I coward. Some will say yes, some no. It doesn’t really matter the method I chose. Or anyone chooses. The result is the same. I’ve had guys completely DISAPPEAR on me (one guy a few times, more full me). Vanishing acts to me are the worst. I’d encourage people to do it face to face or over the phone when possible but sometimes people just lack the skills of how to best “hurt” someone else. Or they do it the way THEY themselves would want it.

    I’d advise you don’t get too hung up on the method or the length of the relationship.

    Take some time to do some healing. She MAY very well find that when she is ready to date again – she reaches out to you (not to give false hope – but by giving her space it really CAN happen!!) If that in fact was her real reason and not a convenient excuse that is.

    But we’ll take her at her word – shall we?

    Is she missing you. Yes, without a doubt there will be some things she misses.

    Does she regret ending it (let alone how she ended it). Yes, to that one too.

    Will you hear from her again. Maybe yes, maybe no. Probably.

    Is there any chance your paths will cross somewhere? Gigs? Some other venue? She may be too afraid to reach out given you said you couldn’t be friends.

    My advice to you in any event is get on with the business of healing.

    Don’t make this about you or any short comings you had.

    Once I launched this site and saw that people did jump back in the dating pool too soon, I started a personal rule of my own to not date anyone just out of a relationship (with a year or so!) I also listened to how they describe their ex. It speaks volumes. If it’s bitter. If it’s wistful. Etc.

    In other words – enter your next one – eyes wide open!

    Have you heard the last of this one…? I am not so sure. I know when I was in your shoes, and had these break ups in the early days – I usually ended up re-connecting with them again – if not romantically then at least friends. I am, at least (if not more), on friendly terms with the vast majority of the guys…(none are FB friends though) LOL.

    Hope that helps a little. Reach out again if and when you need to. I am here. x

  195. Jack


    Thank you for your understanding and kind words. Telling my story and reading your response has made me feel better.

    I felt ashamed for feeling as bad as I feel because of the length of the relationship was so short. But after reading what you’ve written it makes sense: the end of our relationship meant a lot of unfulfilled potential. We were just getting to the good stuff. That unfulfilled promise is tragic no matter how you cut it, and if I’m sad it’s because I’m mourning what could have been as opposed to what once was. It’s a different kind of mourning, but mourning nonetheless. I need to respect and accept my true feelings about this break-up in order to heal properly.

    You are right about the email thing – the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t really make a difference whether she did it in person, by phone, or by email. It may have hurt her too much to do it to me in person either because she really does like me or she didn’t want to see my heart break in person. In either case, the result is the same.

    Unless she contacts me or I break my self-imposed strict NC, I doubt I’ll run into her. While we don’t live in a big city, we don’t share the same social circles and (especially now that I’ve excised most of them from my life) and we live in different neighborhoods. Knowing both of our personalities and hobbies, I would need to seek her out in order to run into her. It’s possible, but not probable.

    If I feel bad it’s because I truly did care for her. Did I love her? It was probably too soon for that, but I was well on my way there. The intimate nights we shared together in each others arms, and the marvelous dates that we had, I had not felt close to someone in years. To have that ripped away from me, all in an instant, without warning or provocation, of course it’s traumatizing.

    That being said, she’s gotta live her own journey and I need to live mine. She’s just being honest with herself, and while I may not be able to understand that, I must respect her decision. I can spend time pining over what once was or what could have been, or I can live for tomorrow. As long as I can tell myself I conducted my part in our relationship with honesty and vulnerability, I have no regrets.

    I did really have a nice time with her. It was a nice little ditty, and it is a shame it did not last longer. If we come back into each other’s lives, either as lovers or friends, it will have to be on different terms, and we’ll need to be different people. But I need to live for myself. I can’t assume that she’ll come back. That means I need to heal my broken heart and do what I can to move on.

  196. Anonymous

    I was dumped through Skype, if I hadn’t called him to skype with me, he wouldn’t have bothered to give me closure. He wouldn’t even give me complete closure either because the girl he slept with was leaving the city soon and him talking to me was using up the time he could’ve been spending with her -_- Prior to that, I had joked around saying he would find a new girl at the beach and he promised he wouldn’t. And when I found out that the girl who he had a thing for was going to visit and would stay for a bit, I didnt think too much of it. I shouldn’t have trusted him so much b/c if I hadn’t asked about her because I saw him smile at someone when we skyped he wouldn’t have even told me that he cheated… I’m so upset.

    We didn’t have a set anniversary, but if it were when I think we started, it was 2 months before our 1 yr anniversary.

  197. crissy

    Well, here I go joining the ranks of dumpsters. I was happily married for 32 years to a wonderful man – he died of cancer 5 years ago. Half my heart went with him. I met a man a year later and thought I could be happy again. Just last week he broke the other half of my heart. He said “I’m not happy” translated into “I want to run around”. I saw it coming, but didn’t want to accept it. His attitude changed and became very disrespectful. The coward couldn’t tell me that he was seeing other women while in a relationship with me.

    For the first time in my life I did not want to live anymore; not because of this man’s infidelities, yes that hurt very much, but just facing a world where people can be so cruel and careless about the pain they cause other human beings. The lies, cheating, disrespect (how do you survive a Narcissist? I know time heals – I have been through the worst of it all; but I am in the fall of my life and I was hoping to spend the rest of my years with this person. I feel shattered and betrayed. I am doing all of what is suggested, but I’m afraid nothing his going to work except time and time you cannot buy back. 🙁

  198. thea Post author


    I am sorry you got your hope dashed by this man or by the expectations that it would last longer than it did. The pain we have is generally associated with our expectations and them not living up to what we thought was going to happen. But the fact is 1 year after 32 years married is still pretty early days of recovery. He maybe just came into your life to help you along with the grieving process and now his time in your life is over. He served a purpose and now he’s away. And if you weren’t wanting to be in an “open relationship” and he was – then it’s better he’s gone. You can now heal, clear the way, and bring in a better fit. Someone who wants what you want.

    “The fall of my life” – interesting phrase I’ve never heard that before.

    In my ripe ole age, myself, I have learned the art of putting a positive spin on just about everything. I think if I were in this situation you find yourself in – I’d switch over to adopting an attitude of gratitude. I’d be grateful for the 32 years with the first one and grateful I had some wonderful time with the second one. Yeah it’s a bummer it didn’t last a bit longer – but it sounds like for a while there you had a wonderful companion who had arrived right at at time you when you maybe needed it/him. [I had a similar thing after my marriage and had a relationship that followed which seemed heaven sent; it didn’t last beyond a few years, but you know what? though it was my most painful experience of my life – I am so grateful I had that time with him. Yeah would have been nice if it last but sadly not everything does…

    It’s that Dr Seuss line of not crying because it’s over, smile because it happened.

    Do you know what I am “getting” about this situation (I use that word in brackets to indicate a sort of psychic thing)….This is an opportunity for you to be on your own. To stand on your own two feel. To fill your own cup. Sounds like you had a long long time as part of a duo and now you get to experience the beauty that is solo life. Not forever. Just for now. To spend time focusing on your, your passions, places you want to visit, your friends, your interests, maybe (though I don’t know what you do or are interested in….) even a business of your own!

    So find the good in this situation. For one it’s good you’re not with a guy who continues to play the field.

    You had some fun, some cuddles, kisses, sex (presumably), some meals out, lovely nights in etc – you got much out of this too. It’s not been a waste at all.

    You can get past this and go on to know more joy than you ever dreamed possible but it’s all going to be down to you. Your thoughts, your focus, your own spin.

    Good luck and do hang in there. It’s peaks and vallesy. For everyone x

  199. thea Post author

    I am really sorry you’re hurting and that he ended it before your anniversary.

    Sounds like it was a long distance thing? Is that correct?

    You say “I shouldn’t have trusted him so much”

    To me that’s 100% wrong. There is no relationship that can be built without it. You trusted him and he broke that trust yes but you HAD to have it to have a real relationship – to have a shot at one anyway. Being untrusting is no way to be.

    If he’s not fully into being with you, being faithful to you, then this has been a LUCKY EX-SCAPE! I mean what if you stayed with him and he went along cheating behind your back?

    Yes it hurts now but better than being married to him, having kids with him, and having him out doing things he shouldn’t be eh?

    You’re going to look back on this and be grateful. Give it time. That is my prediction.

    You’ll meet someone who’s even better. FOCUS on that! x

    PS: Ohhhh, just reading your other comment on the other blog post. 🙂

  200. Adriana

    I was dumped 12 days ago, in our apartment, that we have shared for 2 years. He was seeing someone for work for about 3 months and I found out because the woman posted a photo and comment of them both. We were fine, it caught me completely out of guard, he says he loves me and that he’s just confused and doesn’t really know what he wants, the woman did not even know about me and I think she does know now and does not speak to him. Since day one he has been texting I miss you, I now we will end up together, this is a test in our relationship but that is all, no real actions. I am so sad and feel this is got to be a nightmare, just like your video said ” I can’t believe he can switch feelings from one day to another”. I am driving myself crazy and want so desperately to get him back in my life, that I know I am doing all the wrong things. I just feel like if he’s confused and I stop contact he might try even harder to persue that other woman that does not talk to him at all, because he hid me from her as well. So confusing, so painful, I hate how much it all hurts and how my eyes are almost dried up from all this crying. I do not know what phase I am at because I feel all emotions together mentioned in the 12 phases. It felt good to write here, thank you. 🙁

  201. thea Post author

    Well I am glad it felt cathartic to vent. It really can / does doesn’t it? Not here to judge you or him (no one should) but question whether you want a guy who is “confused” about how he feels about you – so much that he goes messing about with another woman and betrays the trust of both women. Can you come back from this? Most certainly. Will you be able to even trust this guy again? I don’t know. I am not sure I’d be able to to be honest. As much as I may want to, and say I’d try…Each time he was late I’d probably wonder. Each time the phone went – I’d be wanting to sneak a peak at the calls and texts.

    Of course you’re raw. I remember that feeling all too well when the so-called “love of my life” did that to me. It sucked. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare but I never did. 3 mos later he proposed to her. And good for him. Good for her. They’re clearly meant to be and we clearly weren’t. Didn’t stop me feeling AWFUL for about a year after that one!

    It’s 12 days your feelings will be all over the place – there is no doubt.

    I really do tend to feel it’s best you CEASE all contact though. You say you worry he’ll embark on something with her (if he can actually CONVINCE her to even speak to him but she’ll have the same trust issues)…And really if he does end up with her that would just mean he was supposed to.

    It’s truly detrimental to try to be in touch with him when you’re hurting so much, and pinning so much hope on all of this, please try to take some time out.

    If he could do this to you then things WERE NOT really ok, most likely. If he was so tempted as to actually string 2 women along – things were not ok.

    I know you love him. I know it’s hard. I have every faith things will work out for the best for you in time. I really do…They did me. In many ways that break up was the MAKING OF ME.

    This can be for you too. With or without him in your future you will find your way back to your own happiness. You will.

    It’s normal to be experiencing so many of the stages at once – you’ll continue to for a while.

    Take care and keep me posted ok? x

  202. Adriana

    I am so glad I found this page, thank for your words Thea, sometimes we need to hear what we already know from others so we stop making excuses for what he did. ( it was bad in so many ways) , my bigest fear was, do I reply back to that ” i miss you” or not? I guess I have to stop replying and texting and let him free, with his confusion, even though it hurts like hell, if he really feels all those things he says, the fact that I don’t reply should assure him more that he really misses me or, he would actually realize he does not and in that case we are not meant to be then. I worry most about my age and how I feel I would not find a person to share my life with and have a baby that I want, I not young and that is going around, killing me, in my head. I am 34 and I just see myself lonely for the rest of my life, I know, everybody feels like this but I really want to be able to get out of bed and don’t think about all this anymore. I hope this feelings start decreasing a bit, minute by minute. thank you again for taking the time and making me feel better,

  203. Benjiman

    After a year and a half I was dumped in the middle of the local shopping center car park. I’m a student in a different city to the one my ex-girlfriend lived in and apparantly I had distanced myself from her. She told me she felt that she had become a nuisance and that I had made her cry on many occasion when I didn’t have the time to skype her every evening. When I came back for summer we went on holiday to Ibiza together and she told me that a boy at her work 5 and a half years older than her had told her he had feelings for her. We carried on with our holiday after things being awkward for a little while, and then we came home. For two weeks things detariated drastically. I found out she had lied to me about stupid things such as when he told her he liked her, and how he told her. She told me she didn’t speak to him on Facebook and she did, (which is not something I would ever have stopped her doing).

    She constantly said for a whole week that she didn’t like this boy and then she split up with me after a bicker we had one day. I tried my hardest for a week to fight for her while she made a decision on whether she could move forward with us. She made it out like the reason we split up was because of our distance thing when it all came about because of this other person. She in that week told me she didn’t know how she felt about this boy and she thought that she did like him. We ended up splitting up and she told me she did still love me and she could possibly regret the decision that she had made. I was so lost and hurt that I didn’t know what to do or where I was. I kept texting and ringing her and it was so hard to leave things alone. She told me she didn’t love me anymore and that she wanted me out of her life and she didn’t know what was going to happen with this other boy.

    I’d had enough and decided only a week ago to pack up and move back to the city where my university is in order to clear my head. I sort of in my own head accepted that me and her were over and I decided to leave it B. Whilst I was travelling I received text messages accusing me of going off with a girl I know at uni and that was the reason I was returning. She rang me and told me that two day’s previous she had gone for lunch with this other boy and kissed him. I didn’t understand why if she did that she would be even slightly paranoid about me seeing any other girl. She was so adamant that she didn’t love me and yet I turned my phone off and my facebook and nobody could contact me. Some friends became slightly worried and contacted her asking if she’d heard from me. She began asking those friends how I was and contacted me still telling me the same stuff of how she didn’t love me and that she wanted to see how things would go with this other boy. Out of anger, and frustration I said that I liked another girl and she right away called me back asking for answers about who it was and things like that. She blocked me off of facebook also and re-added me. She’s just left me so confused, hurt and angry. She’s worried that I tell people the real reason why she left as though she’s guilty about it.

    We had a good relationship for the majority part and its so hard to just let go and not contact her. I wake up in a morning anxious, and I have all these plans of the life I’m going to live single, and how good its going to be once she’s out of my head but it’s so hard to take that step to get her out of my head. If she is happy with this other boy and she doesn’t love me how can she be bothered about other girls, even though there is no other girls its just in her head. Its the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

  204. itwasfunwhileitlasted

    I’ve met this a nice girl at my school dept’s post-graduation when summer started. We got hit it off until she recently got a job in LA as a high school teacher for the deaf and decided to become friends with me for now. It sucks.

  205. Charlotte

    I was left heartbroken nearly 6 months ago..that’s right 6 months! I lost my job, my car and had to give up a holiday I had booked. Most of all I lost him, I felt like my entire world had crumbled. I went through a really bad nervous breakdown. I had known him for 7 years since we we dated for 2 years in our late teens, and for the past 2 years our great friendship developed into more. He was like family to me, and I loved him with all my heart.
    We did most things together, and I was always invited over at Christmas with his family. The thing was… even though we acted like a couple in every way, he never could seem to ‘commit’ or want to ‘officially’ be my boyfriend. Then out of the blue he started inviting another girl over (unknown to me) and told me I couldn’t stay over any more as ‘it didn’t feel right’. 3 months later I found out they were seeing each other, and then soon after they were an official couple. I was devestated… did he actually care about me at all? Was I just someone to have around while he found someone he truly loved?
    The fact is… it has been a while since it was official with them, and I haven’t seen him in 6 months. I still wake up with a heavy heart, and it is effecting my life in every way. My life is different now, it’s just me, and my new job! that’s it… i’m pining for my old way of life, suffering, all the while he has created a new life with her and has moved on.
    Any help is much appreciated as I wan’t nothing more then to find ‘me’ again, and just be happy in the life I have now.

  206. Katie

    He broke up with me last week in his car… he came over and wouldn’t even come in the house, he made me go and sit in his car to be abandoned.
    We’d been together for a year and a half, we’d started to plan a future together, we were saving up to buy a place together and he’d even told me he was planning the way he was going to propose to me… and he said that no more than 2 weeks ago. Then last Tuesday he decided ‘his feelings had changed’ and that was it, a year and a half and a whole life together just… gone.
    I knew he’d began to act strangely since he started speaking to a girl from work, but I asked and said I was worried and he told me it was all in my head. A week after our break up and he’s added her on facebook, and I know looking has only hurt me more but I thought that knowing that I was right might make it easier… I feel like a complete fool, believing all the things he said about being willing to do anything for us, that he would always be there through thick and thin, and then to have him just switch off all his feelings for me out of no where… I’ve never felt pain like it.
    I’m trying so so hard to pick myself up and get over it but every day there’s still that ripping pain in my chest, and because he never gave me a proper reason or told me the truth about it all, I just don’t know how to move on… 🙁

  207. thea Post author

    Well go easy on yourself. It happened a week or so ago? Of course it feels like your hearts being ripped out of your chest. Don’t berate yourself for struggling in those early days/weeks! Feel what you feel. Write it out. Vent to close friends.

    The guy never gave you a proper reason because there really aren’t any definitive reasons for things like this. He basically met someone else he wanted to start dating more! Same exact thing happened to me (on a few occasions but one was a doozy).

    I suspect people say things in a moment and they feel what they feel – but sometimes there feelings change in a different moment. Our feelings are fluid. I doubt it was malicious that he led you on – more like he’s a bit fickle. What ages are you, him and her?

    >> I feel like a complete fool, believing all the things he said about being willing to do anything for us, that he would always be there through thick and thin…

    Well you know, in all brutal honesty, i think that got knocked out of me by my mid 20s / early 30s.

    My perceptions have changed – due to this site and my personal experiences too – whereby I no longer count on rely on anyone else but myself. I am truly the only one who will be with me through that thick and thin.

    I will have other committed relationships again (most likely) – but never will I expect them to go on lasting because eventually ALL relationships end anyway. One way or the other. So when I got dumped at 31 by the so called love of my life – I swore to myself then that if I were in another relationship again (and have had a few since then) – I’d not expect it to go on and I’d be grateful for the time I had with the person. I’ve held to that.

    You had a year and a half with someone you cared about. You had some good times and some less so. You got a lot out of it. Yes it’s a bummer it didn’t last longer but it lasted as long as it was supposed to – plain and simple. Find the good that you got from the relationship, trust you’ll get some good out of the break up and in time move on to be happy and do it all over again! It’s part of life. Part of the process.

    You’re gonna be ok. But just take it 1 day at a time. And hide him and any friends from FB for now! Defriend him if needs be. Ignorance is bliss. You’re not a fool. he’s not a bad persons for wanting to date someone else (as unfortunate as it is for you right now).

    So please hang in there and keep me posted ok? It’ll be ok, it really will! x

  208. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay in replying. That is a heavy one indeed. No wonder you feel so blue. Six months isn’t really that long after a relationship, of sorts, that lasted seven years. There’s no way to understand what anyone else thinks or feels so I won’t bother trying to work out why he did what he did or how could he.

    I had a relationship (of sorts) with a guy and I got (fairly) close to the family. As I am 7000 miles from my own family, my friends become my family, and especially the people I date. When that ended I felt heavy hearted too. Not only did I lose the guy – I lost the kid/s, the makeshift mother in law and so forth. It took a long time to stop feeling such a massive void in my life.

    The only way out of this hell is THROUGH it. You know? Time helps but so does making ACTIVE CHOICES how you spend your time outside of work. Pining and dwelling isn’t going to help you feel better. Connecting with other people – being of service to others – just might. Join some clubs on – and get out there. Set a fitness goal for yourself. Look at areas of your life you have control of and set some goals there. You know? Home stuff. Creative stuff?

    If you keep staring at the closed door you miss the opportunities just outside the open windows – as it were.

    It’s six months down the road or whatever – and though I don’t expect you to be “over it” – by now I expect you to WANT TO BE OVER IT. And to be making some positive choices toward that goal.

    You can and will do this. It’s all down to you – no one else! xx

  209. Charlotte

    Thank you so much Thea for your personal reply!

    I’m glad you understand, as I too felt like his family, was my family. His mum,sister, dogs, his house! I miss it all, it was all like a second family. So you grieve not just for him, but a whole other life.

    I definitely WANT to be over it, which i’m glad you say is a good sign. I think it was Winston Churchill who said the only way to over something is to get ‘through’ it. So i’m totally confident in that 🙂 and that there will be a time hopefully that I will be over it and happy again.

    I have been making lots of plans outside of work, even when I don’t feel like it sometimes, the distraction can occasionally be a relief. I will keep on going and do the best I can. Thank you for your advice x

  210. Jess

    I was dumped in a cemetery 3 days ago which was oddly soothing as it was so peaceful and I felt comforted by the fact that everybody buried there had been through heart break in some shape or form throughout their lives. Plus no one thinks you’re odd for crying there.

    My boyfriend and I had been together for over 2 years, he broke up with me although I agreed it was probably for the best too (didn’t make it any easier) as we’d been drifting apart for a while and didn’t want to wait until we hated each other before breaking up.

    When I got home, I had the worst 24 hours of my life, I didn’t eat anything, I barely slept, cried uncontrollably constantly and felt like I was being ripped apart. I texted him to make sure this is what he definitely wanted but he was a bit vague and we ended up texting over that 24 hour period with me practically begging him to get back together, convinced we could fix whatever was wrong. It ended in me ringing him and I realised he really didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and didn’t love me anymore (even though he says he does) so we changed the dreaded ‘relationship status’ on facebook and told people what had happened.

    Since then, we haven’t spoken again and I haven’t got upset either. Actually I don’t feel like it’s real yet, I don’t feel anything. He was a massive part of my life for so long and I depended on him for all my emotional support, I should be distraught! I feel like I’m stuck in the ‘avoidance’ stage and that I’m never going to get out of it! I haven’t been out of the house yet to see friends or anything, I’ve been hiding watching rubbish tv shows, I’m terrified that the moment I go outside and friends want to speak to me about it, I’ll realise how real the break up is and burst into tears again!

    The thing is, we go to different universities a long way apart so we go for periods without seeing each other for a couple of weeks, I’m worried my brain thinks its just that again and that it’s tricking me into thinking we haven’t really broken up and then in a couple of weeks I’m going to have a breakdown! We’re both home for summer at the moment, but I go back to university in a month and I want to deal with the crying stage now, whilst I have lots of family and friends around to support me.

    I want to grieve for him and get it out of my system but I just can’t seem to do it, why am I stuck in denial?!

  211. Blommor

    I broke up because he had cheated on me. At least he was sincere and told me about that. We had been together for almost 5 years and now he has decided he wants to have fun and nothing else. I may (finally) have got to the point where I realized what I have lost and what I am gaining being on my own. Actually, it may be just one “up” among many “downs” but if after about 1 month I think I am gaining something good and growing while being alone, maybe that relashionship wasn’t meant to be. It just takes courage to admit it as well as to understand I was blind on many things. Let’s grow up…that’s life!

  212. thea Post author

    You sound pretty good Char. Sorry for the delay in replying. Sometimes life gets in the way.

    Yes it was Churchill who said that quote and it’s so apt. There will definitely be a time your’e over it, happy again and likely even glad it happened in some ways at any rate.

    You have a totally awesome attitude so I predict some great things to come as a result of this. Keep making the plans – getting out there – living in the world. Sometimes you’ll go and it won’t be great but sometimes you won’t feel up for it, you’ll go and have a smashing time – doing whatever. Least that’s what I found!

    You’re doing grand. Keep me posted ok? x

  213. thea Post author

    Wow ok breathe and grieve. I get that you may be in DENIAL in that all important avoidance stage – yep. And I remember having that sort of “brain tricking you” stage too. Because you’re apart as you say, it’s a bit confusing it almost lulls you into a false sense of security or something.

    Just feel what you feel. If you go outside and burst into tears when out – so be it. Who cares. You’re human. I did that once. In my deepest darkest saddest moment of 99 – I was in an ASDA (grocery store for those outside the uk) in the alcohol aisle (I don’t drink BTW) and I ran into a radio colleague of mine from 7 years earlier. I think he all but asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears right there. He was divorced himself so he got it but yeah not my shining moment (good I can LAUGH about it now!) Straight out of a movie that 🙂

    It sounds like this will be a “good thing” for you in due course. Once you adjust. As you say you broke up for a reason. You were drifting. You don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to be with you full stop. You deserve that. You’re at one of the best periods in your life – the UNI days. Man now is the time to make HEAPS of friends. Try guys on for size. Not saying shag about but connect with as many NEW PEOPLE as you can. Honestly speaking as someone who is now “much older” – you will never have another period like this in your life. A period where it’s so easy to make new friends and truly connect. It’s a captive audience there. I never had a possee like I did back then. I am still FB friends with them all – but there in Texas, California, Colorado, Tennessee and me, I am in Scotland. So yeah I say do some healing then start horizon broadening!

    This guy DOES love you on some level. Just as you do him. But that doesn’t always mean we were meant to be. You know?

    Maybe have a scan through the other comments on the site…5 Things to Consider Before Writing A Letter to your Ex is a thread I just replied to. You can find the link in the most recent blog on there. I gave some other advice to someone that I’d say fits you as well.

    It’s almost 1am and my eyes look like @@ so I need to sleep. But you hang in there and keep writing. Vent any time you need to. I am listening. Others will be also…whether they reply to you here or not. You know? xx

  214. thea Post author

    Blommor – you sound great. Thanks for leaving a wee comment! Ups and Downs. The more you focus on the UPS the more you create them! xxx

  215. sanjana

    hey thea.
    i dont know whether u remember me or not………i told u abt my kzn who dumped me coz of family issues..we were together since childhood for almost 10 years,8 years elder to me(just trying to remind u)…..he just came back….
    he wants to fight for me now even though his family conditions are not improved
    but i am not able to feel for him the same way i used to
    so much has changed for me in past 7 months

  216. Cath

    I was dumped for probably the 10th time in the same relationship, it was 4 weeks yesterday. I wanted to put something on here about what happened, how I feel, what happened after and where I’m going from here.

    I went to his house to get some of my things, and as I was leaving he said “we’re done”. The day before we had stopped at a pub during a cycle ride, and a woman that he was in school with was there. They were both obviously attracted to each other, to the point of blushing, and at one point my partner returned from the toilet with no eye glasses on, presumably so that she could see how handsome he was (even though I have not seem him out of bed without these on for the last 3 years), and both caught up with each others story virtually ignoring that I was there.

    Every now and then, this woman, obviously embarrassed at the situation, would try and bring me into the conversation. As we left, I got on my bike, and my partner and the woman were still chatting, even though I should have been out of earshot, I heard them arrange to catch up at another time. I had been with this man for 3 years, looked after his children, bought their clothes, holiday and Christmas presents.

    Over time, I was made to feel more and more like I was taking more from him (when in fact there was equal if not more give on my part). I would now and again become unhappy during the relationship, because I would feel disrespected in some way, at some points I felt that he was interested in other women, and making moves to get more acquainted, that he would become withdrawn try and distance himself from the relationship – i.e activities would be on his terms, at his locations – which made life harder for me when I could not take enough time at my house etc – which then exacerbated into a confrontation.

    Any confrontation he then took as an insult and excuse to break-up. Looking back I can see that these were orchastrated events, as I overheard him giving lovelife advise to his 21 year old son who had a g/f but was being pursued by another girl – the advise that was he should make a clear choice between the girls….. unless a feined split could be made (the suggestion was this would be temporary).

    I realise that this is what he was doing to me, every time he needed a week or two to chase someone else. The quarrels we had were almost always also after I found that he had left himself logged into chat on a dating site for a few days (although I never found any evidence of chat/outbox email – so always took what he said that he used it for titilation/porn).

    I’ve read here that people are moarning for what life could have been, and in some ways that is what I am moarning for too, as my life was adapted to someone elses lifestyle so much so during this relationship that it would often cause me stress, even illness and certainly to watch a huge amount of film and tv of mindnumbing nature that my life took a curve that now I am thankful to get out of.

    I texted him a couple of weeks ago to pick up some belongings that I had remembered were tucked away. He texted me back yesterday asking when I wanted them. I asked him to leave them out for me in bin bags, so that I could collect early in the morning and avoid meeting him in person.

    I’ve been told that yesterday he had a barbeque with some friends family, his 3 kids, and the woman that we met at the pub that day, with her son. He also left a note in the bag with my clothes to say that I can come around and search for one of the objects that he couldn’t find.

    He has done that to me before, arranged something and had me turn up in the middle of it. I think that it is his “it’s over” message re-enforced. But it is a mental defect to want to put someone in this embarrassing position, feel empowered. I keep giving this man an excuse, as he was left by his wife several times, she had at least 2 affairs that he knew of, and suspects a third. I feel like he either was playing the same game during their marraige, or just wants to play her game with someone else for his own self worth. Getting back at another woman the unfinished business he had with her.

    I’ve just started putting into play the stuff that I read about LEARN on the netdoctor website, and these are helpful. It’s helpful to read other peoples details and also to post my own, it is theraputic to tell some others.

    It hurts a lot when you find that the people that you were meant to trust the most, disrespected that trust. It’s their loss. I’ve given myself a cycling challenge to take part in a 45 mile sponsored bike ride, so that is helping me keep active and feed positivity into the mind. I’ve left this relationship overweight, body and mind dedicated to someone elses family and life, and have not maintained contact with very many of my own friends. Now I feel very alone and cry every time I talk about it, so am bottling things up.

    I’ve found telling people by phone/email easier to cope with, as I don’t have to blubber face to face, and have made arrangements to visit friends further afield, some as far away as Dec, so this will give me something to look forward to. Getting out to find someone else is difficult, but has to be done.

    I used to bowl in a former life, I’ll get back out and do that, also will join a dance class, go shopping more and therefore more coffee time, and will rejoin outdoor walking/cycling groups that I used to go with. There is a lot to chip away there at, and as well as written down diy projects, this may be food for thought for others here. I’m very much feeling the same as most of the other people on here, but this man and others like him will not ruin my life plans.

    I’d love to have a partner to share all of these things with and in the last few weeks on my lone cycles I’ve noticed how many others are doing exactly the same as me alone. Last week, I also went for a blind date through OK Cupid. There was no spark on either side (and this was largely due to the way I’m feeling and that I’ve been sitting in silence being told to shut up next to someone watching films for the last three years so my side of the conversation was strained) and we finished our drink and went our own ways.

    But the build up gave me something to look forward to, and some hope that another meeting will happen. There are loads of dating sites out there, and the possibilities of meeting someone may start there – although be careful out there, be safe. Friends and family, meet them, get out, a walk, a meal, a bar, a park, a bus ride – talk with people and remember what it was like to have a conversation with someone where the other half of the conversation was willing and polite, and love yourself.

    P.S I read somewhere that the problem with meeting men for a lasting relationship is my attitude, that for so long my attitude was avoidance of getting into this, because my life and career were important to me, that I have not changed my attitude and social skills enough to “engage” to attract that type of man so that he believes that I am looking for a life partner. I am taking this on board – but think that this will take work and dedication.

  217. thea Post author


    I just went in to add some spaces to your post as it was a wall of text which I find hard to cope with. So I read your interesting tale. I heard nothing “new” there – it’s really so similar to most stories on here. The sadness, the hurt, the confusion, the indignation, the loss of hope, the random attempt at dating sites – and so many other host of emotions and actions.

    Truly sorry you’re in pain. It sucks. I know. We here all know!

    But you will feel different as you work through all of this. You’ve not wasted time. You enjoyed much with this man and his family. You chose to take an active role in a family and I did the same thing. Yes it sucks raw eggs when you split up and lose that “family” but you can’t regret making them so much a part of it. You really shouldn’t. It will no doubt have helped you and bettered you as a person in the long run – regardless of this relationship’s outcome.

    I don’t have time to write just now as I just got to my Other Job. But I wanted to say that I read your post. I heard you. I know what you’re going through and that it will get better. Will try to respond more directly asap. Busy the past few weeks. So it’s been hard. x

  218. Kenny


    I was dumped about a month ago, about two weeks shy of our first anniversary. Brace yourself for a series of poor decisions made by a far too reckless person in her early twenties.

    I met my ex while I was trying over the get over the first man I slept with. I never had a relationship with this man, but I was tired of being a virgin at 21. I purposely picked someone I believed I would never be able to develop romantic feelings for and ended up having an unintentional emotional attachment to a horrible person who took advantage of many women. I was hideously depressed, but the ex of this man (whom I had bonded with because of our shared suffering), set me up with someone new.

    To be honest, I knew at the beginning that I was not compatible with this new man. He had never gone to college and didn’t plan to, did drugs and drank frequently due to being in the music scene, and was shy and uncommunicative. In contrast, I graduated from a top ten university, don’t drink or do any drugs (not because I’m moralistic but because I’m incredibly sensitive), and am outgoing and outspoken. I thought he might be a good casual sex partner, but he ended up being incredibly sweet and gentle. At the time it seemed like a sign because he was so different from the abusive person I was trying to get over.

    We were very loving to each other throughout almost all of our relationship. I adored his friends and family and they adored me. I tried very hard to be a good girlfriend because this was my first serious relationship–I cooked him his favorite foods, watched all the shows he played, and got him his dream presents for his Christmas and birthday. He drove me where ever I needed to go since I didn’t have a car.

    I should also mention that I’ve always been employed and been fine money-wise, while he constantly struggled. Suffice to say I paid for everything, which I didn’t mind because I’m always buying nice things for my friends and don’t believe in traditional gender roles. When he also desperately needed money to be able to afford going on a tour, paying rent, car insurance, etc, I always loaned it to him without a second thought. At one point when he was evicted from his apartment, he stayed with me for two months.

    Very early on I had the nagging suspicion that he was incapable of connecting with who I was. We always had the same fight, in which I questioned whether he knew anything about me (which he didn’t seem to) how he didn’t seem to volunteer any interest in my life as an artist or a scientist. He always shut down at any conflict and said he didn’t express himself well, even though appreciated and cared for me deeply.

    On July 4th, I planned an event with our friends where I bought fireworks for everyone to set off. It turned out most of my friends couldn’t go, so i suggested he fill in the gaps with people he knew. He ended up bringing so many people in his van that he couldn’t even give me and my two friends the ride he promised. When we got to the site, he and his friends concentrated on getting drunk and high and left me incredibly embarrassed about how I and my friends were being ignored. He was so busy he didn’t notice me fall off a wall I was climbing. I was livid, scratched and dirty, and went through another long rendition of the same fight about how he didn’t try hard enough. Since it was the same fight, after we made up, I didn’t think much of it.

    He started acting a little strangely, so I decided that I would give him some room. I told him that if he needed a week without me, I would leave him alone, and that I wanted to make up for whatever made him unhappy. He said during the phone call, hysterically, that he “couldn’t do this anymore”. I said to take the week to think it over and calmly prepared to deal with the outcome one way or another, although I admit that we had been happy right before the fight (we had a great day where he helped me move and I bought him work clothes for his new job) so I was optimistic.

    He wouldn’t pick up any of his calls at the end of the week. He wouldn’t answer FB messages. His friends were incredibly sympathetic–they consoled me and told me he had a habit of breaking up with girls or with no explanation, and finally put him on the phone forcefully. He was tried to insist he couldn’t talk at the moment, but I cut in and told him that everything was going to be OK, he didn’t have to be scared, and that we didn’t have to have a bad breakup. When we met he broke up with me–the day before my birthday. Whenever I asked about him why we couldn’t at least try to make it work, he had no answer. But I tried to be as considerate as I could be, saying I didn’t regret our time together. I said that despite being incredibly different, we made the other feel happy and loved for a whole year, and that was a sign of the vast potential human beings have for love.

    Then things went to shit. We were friendly, claimed we still cared about each other, and the sex between us was amazing, so we kept doing it for a bit–he said it would be ok because he wasn’t interested in dating anyone anyways. A mistake, as I flipped out on him when he said he slept with someone new. I screamed every angry and insulting thing I had so elegantly avoided saying during our breakup. I emphasized the part that he’d given up on anything that ever had any value in his life if it took any effort–school, his friendships, his job, and of course, his relationships. Here’s a bit of black comedy–he cowered, smoked a bong, and took a swig of valium to cope. I ended the night saying I just couldn’t be around him at all for a while, although we hugged emotionally about the time we had together as a couple.

    Since then I’ve been crying so much that my face has started to hurt. I loved him very much even though I wasn’t quite in love with him. And I feel angry, hurt, and betrayed that I was right all along–that he doesn’t appreciate much, and I definitely wasn’t an exception.

  219. Julia

    I had been going out with this man for a year following my divorce from an alcoholic I had been married to for 27 years. I was over my husband the minute I made the decision that I needed to get out of the situation. I went to counseling and was adjusting to a life with out the constant battle of dealing with the alcohol ruling my life. I was so ready to move into a real relationship with someone I could do things with, someone I didn’t feel like I was babysitting.

    The new guy and I got along very well. He had been dumped from a long term relationship. His ex was not friendly and didn’t like his children. It was a constant battle between her and his kids over all the years. I got a long with the kids very well and also with his sisters, brother and mom.

    Well this guy works all the time. It just seemed he had time for everyone but me. He would work 12 hour days and most weekends. I would get to spend some time with him but it seemed I was always the one pushing for the relationship. I would ask if he was committed to it and it was always a struggle for him to answer. I know now I should have walked away but we really had a great time when we were together.

    Last straw came when he told me that he was no longer going with his daughters to our state fair. This had been something we had talked about doing together. I didn’t even know he planned on going with them which I told him. I would not have cared if he went with them, but he didn’t even ask which seemed like the norm lately. I confronted him about really wanting to be in relationship and he said well I guess I’m not happy. And that was it. Dumped. Nothing.

    I was not sure how to handle it because I wanted a reason, a why and he wouldn’t talk to me. Then I wanted to hurt him. I would text him mean things. I stopped but then I saw his daughters and him at a concert we were all supposed to go to together. I did it again the mean texting and I knew I needed to find some help because this was eating me up inside.

    That is when I found your site and watched the steps I am going through. It has really helped. He had a bunch of stuff at my house that needed picked up and I knew seeing everyday didn’t help. I called him and told him to come get it because I couldn’t move on. He kept wanting to be friends. I told him I can’t do that right now because it hurts too much.

    I felt a lot better and thought I made progress, then I went on a date. Now I feel aweful again. I don’t want to go out with anyone. I love him. But I feel like I am going to end up all by myself. I have felt alone for so many years already. Help!

  220. thea Post author

    Sorry he doesn’t sound a bad guy – just a guy who maybe lives in denial – who doesn’t really share your level of feelings / commitment. In time you might find you can be friends but you’re right now it’s too hard you’re still too raw it seems.

    Avoid dating all together. The time to be out there is when you no longer feel anything for your ex but ambivalence.

    I can appreciate feeling like you’ve had “years” alone – I really can but it’s a good idea to get to the place where you’re happy with your life and on your own before trying to share it with someone else. I love Cameron Crowe but no one “completes” anyone else. It took me a long time to get to that point. My life is good with or without a partner.

    It helps to realise that of all the couples I know across the world, less than a handful of the ones I’ve know are ones I’d aspire to having. Seeing what I’ve seen for the last 12 years here, I realise NOBODY HAS IT ALL. WE can sometimes have pity parties feeling sorry for ourselves because we’re lacking that “Special Someone”. But the trick is to focus on all that we HAVE and not what we perceive as LACK.

    How long was the gap between the marriage and this relationship? And when did this relationship end?

    Sounds like you might benefit from savoring some single life for a while. Create that full life for yourself. And trust in time you’ll love again.

    Focus on other areas – apart from “relationships” – home, friendships, contribution, fitness, mind/body/spirit etc.

    You’re really going to be ok. I know it’s sad and disappointing but better to be with a man who adores you and makes proper time for you – without having to be asked to do so!!

    Hugs x

  221. Julia

    Thanks Thea,
    I believe your right. I need to focus on me for now. I don’t know why I feel so desperate to have a partner. I always thought it was because my husband was more like a third son, one whom I had to watch out for and care for. I didn’t really have a partner for a very long time. Then he became “best friends” with the women he now lives with. I should have left that relationship way before I did.
    I went into this last relationship right after I was divorced. Just over a year ago. He broke up with me a month ago so really not enough time has passed.
    I appreciate your thoughts and will keep coming back to watch the videos. I don’t feel so alone.

  222. Wendy

    Hello Thea,

    I am really devastated, I am 22 years old and have been in a one year relationship with a guy. Four years ago we were in a relationship but he ended up cheating on me after 2 months. When I found out about his infidelity he answered with ” a man cheats when a girl doesn’t please his needs” we broke up and didn’t keep in touch until 2 years ago. I decided to give it a second chance and after a year, he has slowly shown signs of being bored with me. He no longer spends time with me, and when I tell him he gets annoyed. I know he has the intentions to dump me but I just can’t handle it. I feel horrible and stupid for giving it a second chance. I don’t know how to handle this situation, please tell me something that will bring my mood back up.

  223. thea Post author

    Sorry Wendy not had much time to reply on the blog this week. I need more hours in the day.

    Sorry you’re feeling s rough. Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to spend time with you – who seems “bored” and who cheated on you? You say you can’t handle it – but you can handle anything. Saying you can’t is just a “thought” and you can change your thinking. In fact to borrow from Susan Jeffers (who wrote Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway) – repeat “I can handle it” – all day every day when you start to panic.

    You’re 22 you’ve got – most likely – many more relationships and break ups to go through in life. It’s just part of modern life sadly. Relationships don’t seem to last as long. There’s too much temptation via the Internet. We need to just savor time we have with people and not get too hung up on this notion of “forever”. You may think that sounds depressing but frankly I’m a realist now. Been running the site since you were 10! I’ve seen it all.

    I was about your age when I graduated university and a year later had married and moved half way around the world so my point is – you don’t know where you’ll be in a year’s time. But ask yourself do you want to be in relationship with this guy who can’t see you for how fab you are?

    Hope not. You deserve more x

  224. Olivia

    So I was dumped today by my boyfriend of over 2 years,we have been LDR for a year as he started uni in a different city.A week ago I had a talk with him where I had expressed some doubts about the relationship never did I say ‘we’re over’ etc it was just feelings that had been bubbling up for a few weeks and I needed to get them off my chest and naturally I felt a whole lot better after that chat and the past week I had felt the relationship was getting back on track.So today we met up for a day out,we were just saying our goodbyes and as I am about to walk away he says ‘So good luck with everything in the future’,I turn back like what?..he says something like ‘so its official now we’re done’,bearing in mind this is in public,a busy place where people are standing all around us.I literally felt like someone had punched me in the stomach,I am just staring at him in shock and say ‘really,but why not wait till uni and see what happens’ and his reply was ‘aww but freshers!’ (freshers is basically a week long party when you start uni,notorious for being the end of many relationships as many people,to put it bluntly,’whore around’).Later he said he had been under the impression all day we were meeting up as ‘friends’ WTF. So there I was,just unexpectedly dumped in public in front of everyone by someone I had trusted most in the world for 2 years so he can sleep around during freshers (he leaves on saturday btw). And he did it at a time where he knows I have nobody to lean on as my friends are heading back to uni etc.I just feel in shock he ended it like this.I gave so much to this relationship and I cannot believe that he has ended it 5 days before he goes away back to uni in a different city.I don’t even know if this makes sense,I am just shocked.So shocked and upset.

  225. Onthedoorstep

    I knew things were getting weird, I was getting weaned off with less calls after 11 months. I was ready to end it myself after a phone call where he hurt my feelings yet again I didn’t say anything, and the called ended well and he said “bye sweetie”. I wrote a text to send to him but held off, about needing time because I cared more about him then he cared about me and maybe in time we could be just friends. Over the weekend, I thought my email may have been hacked and sent him a brief text not to open any of my email. Then 2 days later I realized I wasn’t hacked and sent him a note by text. That was the last communication, he never called again. Now I’m dumped and I feel really really stupid I did not have the guts to do it first when I knew I should have, at least my ego would have been less bruised. But the really sad thing is the relationship is over no matter who ended it. I miss knowing every day what he is doing in his life most of all.

  226. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay. The site was off for several days now…

    Don’t worry about feeling stupid. Stupid is just a “thought” you know?

    You wanted it over. It’s over. Who cares who did what? That’s just ego stuff.

    Tell your ego to pipe down when it starts whining and just get on with the business of healing and moving on.

    Why not just act AS IF you did end it. Really it’s just a shift in thinking – a wee bit.

    You may find you two reconnect and are able to be friends in due course.

    Just wait and see. Take some time. Heal. Move on. Things changes. It all works out in the end anyway. x

  227. sam

    Its great to find place where i can pour my heart out. Yes , my male ego stopped all my pain inside and didnt discussed the issue with anyone . But i do understand i need to pull back things. The emptiness , and low self esteem leads to binge drinking and more pathetic mornings. . I tried working out and yoga , which started to show good changes but a phone call from her current BF created a mess again in my mind and heart.

    I loved this girl very much , but while i left city to take care of my father suffering from perkinson, her family got her married . i didnt said a word , just wished her well as my father was on death bed. I lost him a month after her marriage.After few months later i came to know that she is trapped in a vicious marriage ( a typical dowry marriage case of India ).

    Her husband just left her and went for his job in Dubai, She was shattered. I within all my morality just stood by her in all tough times, gave her support to get back on job and decide when her husband comes back. That guy come and asked for divorce and settlement. I supported her and told her , its for better to be out of such a marital alliance.

    She was very lonely and one day cried and asked me to marry her. I said i will love to have her as partner but she should take some time off for herself and then decide. She was adamant and wanted to be with me. Next few months were great together, we shared great mental and physical intimacy too. All her mails and text indicated she was over the moon. i was happy too .i was planning a marriage and ready to convince my family that her broken marriage isnt her fault and she deserves a second chance.

    Then suddenly , things started to change. She just started blaming me for being over protective, over sensitive , over demanding for sex. She started going out with guys just to get drunk and tell me after 3 days . till that time i have to totally cut off. Finally i had to let my anger out and question her loyalty and respect towards the relationship.

    She went off radar for next few days and a call comes from an unknown number ( her current BF). She said sorry , i cheated on you but i want to marry this guy not you .

    My world came crashing down , the only question came to my mind was WHY? . I tried but she went silent on this question. She kept apologizing and thanking me for what i did for her. She cursed herself for being a whore and bitch .

    I always wished best for her, never interfered in her first marriage and wish a happy life as i know she has been through a tough time. But still cant get the shock and loneliness out of my mind.

    What i did wrong is i cannot understand , still get calls from her unexpectedly , she cries her heart out and tell me that no one can understand her better than me . She says she wants to get married to this guy even though she hates him even holding her. Her abnormal behaviour baffles me even more now.

    She is an adopted girl and a divorcee now at the age of 26 , i always found her looking for some emotional acceptability . But she rejects it once she gets it. I never told her that but always tried to fill that void .

    I loved her with all heart but i really dont know if i could trust somebody and love with same passion that i had for her.

    Its tough, very tough .

  228. Leigh

    I met him in a bar, I should have known better but the moment I saw him I was pretty much gone. He was in the army, from NC and a total asshole, but a charming one. After we hooked up I never expected to hear from him again, but he sought me out and we ended up doing long distance for 7 months before he asked me to move to NC with him.

    I had never experienced anything like it. I am a total romantic and he wrote me letters, came to visit, talked about the future. I gave up my job, moved away from my family and friends and was willing to keep my two cats in a room of his house because he was allergic.

    Two months in, everything started going badly. I lost the job I had, he was in a school and away for 3 months before I had been there 1. I got a dog to prove that I was a dog lover too (which I am) and it made things worse. While away he wrote letters about how much he missed me, talked about us getting married and all the things he wanted to do when he got back. I was miserable, but looked forward to his return.

    I thought things would get better. But he was different, turned out his parents were telling him how weak they thought I was based on how I was while he was away. He turned cold towards me, picked on me, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for his lifestyle or family. When I approached his parents (who I thought were on my side based on how they acted towards me when I was AROUND) they said they loved me and were glad he was happy.

    On Christmas day he brought out a ring box, seeing the look on my face he opened it quickly, pearl earrings. I tried to hide my disappointment but he had been telling me for MONTHS that we were getting married. At that point I was basically living the life of a military spouse and had nothing to show for it. He then told me he didn’t want to marry me before he deployed in May. I was devastated, but I stayed.

    He left again in January. I had a new job, new friends and was feeling more comfortable in the area. However I envied the people around me, I had noticed he was no longer affectionate, sweet, even considerate towards me anymore. I joked that I was putting money aside for “myboyfriendisbreakingupwithme” fund.

    A week after my birthday he came home from the store and told me he didn’t think I should stay in the house when he deployed. He said he wasn’t happy and that we “didn’t quite fit.” I was completely destroyed. I had two weeks to quit my job, pack my things and move back to PA. I lived in the house with him during that time. We joked, watched tv and acted like nothing happened, but I only did it so I didn’t look pathetic. I cried myself to sleep every night and lost so much weight my friends at work voiced serious concern.

    Before I left he said that I wasn’t like previous girlfriends. He didn’t want to cut me out, still wanted to make sure I was ok. I believed him. I even still slept with him up until I left knowing I still loved him and he didn’t. When I got back I never heard from him again. He went to Afghanistan and is now back in NC.

    I try not to look at his FB even though we’re still friends. I don’t call or text. I just think, all the time. Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking about it I imagine whole scenarios I think actually happen. My brother wants me to get counseling but I don’t know if I want to.

    I have a lot to be thankful for. I hated it there and now I’m home with my family, my friends from school and from work. My boss gave me my job back with a raise. My old landlord found me a fantastic one bedroom in 2 days after I told me. I don’t have to keep my cats locked in a room. I’m in grad school for teaching (which I’ve wanted to do forever). I should be happy, but I make myself sick everyday thinking about it. I feel like I wasn’t good enough. I think about all the things I could’ve done differently. And of course all my close friends are in relationships, one just got engaged.

    I know that it takes time to get over someone and it’s only been 6 months after an intense year and half. But I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. I worry that I’ll never find that feeling again and that I’ll ruin my next relationships comparing them to him (I’ve already done that twice since the split). I know I’m not alone, and writing it out has made me realize that I don’t want to be in NC, as a military wife to someone who will never put me first, but I miss him everyday and the pain won’t go away.

  229. thea Post author

    So sorry to read your tale Sam. That’s very challenging indeed. You were there for someone that’s a good thing. You loved. That’s also a good thing. She sounds very messed up and confused and I don’t suspect she’s going to have an easy time ahead. I really don’t.

    You just need to continue to heal. To keep your Yoga going. Keep your heart open. And vow not to let this experience make you cold. You’re a loving and kind guy. You will maybe need to have more personal boundaries and choose who you give all your time and energy too.

    In time I do hope you WILL love and trust again. It will just take some healing and some effort to it.

    Be grateful for the time you had with her. The feelings you shared. They’re blessings. Some people never get what you had. The more gratitude you have and feel the more you have to be grateful for.

    Sending you some love across the miles. Stay open. Stay positive. You did the best you could. She’s doing the best she can.

    Take care over there. Focus on simple pleasures and beauties today. Really look for them. Everywhere.

    Thea x

  230. Laura

    I’d just like to say you’re such an inspiration to me. This site has been so helpful recently.

    I’m 18 and in June this year I finished school forever. Me and my now ex-boyfriend went to boarding school together and therefore lived together for 2 years. He was in the year below me. For me I’d never had a relationship before.. I’m the kind of girl who is best friends with boys and fools around but doesn’t do relationships, anyway me and Peter made friends early on because I was in the year above him and all of the year below boys want to be friends with older women! We hit it off straight away we always had a flirty relationship but we would also have really deep best friend conversations and we would talk about who we liked etc.

    After a year of being friends we met up at Leeds festival in the summer, he’s not the kind of guy who is organised or committed so I was surprised when he wanted to and we got together one night. Even after that we just stayed good friends and talked all the time, it was easier as we were both in six form and at boarding school that means you see a lot more of each other.

    One night I got drunk and admitted that I thought we should fool around and he said he wasn’t sure because he might end up liking me. Anyway we started hanging out on nights at school and eventually got together. It was my last year at school so I got a lot of benefits such as being allowed to go to the pub and I could drive and his year always had a lot of respect for him because I would take him to year above parties and to the pub. Peter is good looking, naturally, girls always find him attractive  and liked to talk to him but I trusted him and knew he wouldn’t cheat so I didn’t mind. I on the other hand are average looking but as far as it goes I have the kind of personality which makes boys really like me. Me an Peter were always having fun, we never had a dull moment we were always laughing and never fought.

    I drove him everywhere and did everything for him, and in the summer we travelled across Russia together and had a really fun time and even more in love when we got back when we were together there was no stopping us no one could phase how happy we were. Shortly after returning from Russia, Peter travelled to Mongolia for a month and the day after he returned he went to Leeds Festival again so I offered to pick him up (it’s a 3 hour drive) and he accepted. That night when we were reunited we were the happiest we’d ever been, we couldn’t keep away from each other. We were so in love.

    3 days later he said he wanted to take me out for a nice meal which he did. I am going to university next year and this year taking a gap year where I will be working in France on a ski resort for 5 months, Peter had to go back to boarding school for his last year. At this meal I started saying that I wanted to stay together and things would be harder but we could do it and he agreed. Then when we’d finished eating he broke up with me he said a lot of things, that I was perfect that I’d made him happy but that he wasn’t willing to do long distance for 5 months, I was the kind of girl he’d marry but he was only 17. He stayed with me for 3 hours while I cried and offered to come home with me but I said no. He said the most important thing to him was that he didn’t lose me, that was all he cared about because we got on so well and we’d been best friends before that it was really important to him.

    Then it began. He texted me constantly to make sure I was okay, and said all those things that everyone thinks but you shouldn’t say about how alone I felt and he just said he was so sorry and that he’d always be there and he cared about me. We still constantly talked on Skype and it felt okay, just like we were doing it long distance. A week after the breakup we met up and we were having a really fun time until I got upset because I didn’t understand why we’d broken up. Even after that we were alright. Then something changed, I knew it had, he stopped speaking to me as much and had lost interest. So last night I rang him and said that I knew he’d moved on, I can tell with Peter I always knew what he was thinking. He said he was talking to another girl yes a new girl who’s joined school, she’s legendary, insanely pretty, blonde, a model and she also has a boyfriend of 3 years and yet he doesn’t know her at all.

    Last night I said did he still want to be friends and he said he didn’t think it was best for me, it was the only thing he cared about when we broke up. The fact is that now he’s found someone who’s really pretty he doesn’t even want to stay friends. I’m so lost as to what to do, I’ve spent the past 3 weeks just crying and now I’ve lost faith in people because he was a good guy and it turns out he’s just gone for looks in the end. Is she just a rebound? Does he actually not care anymore? Was he just using me for the status he got from having a girlfriend in the year above?
    Part of me thinks that maybe he needs to grow up a bit. 17 year old boys aren’t fully mature yet and they often don’t know a good thing when they see it.

    However, I don’t really know what to think, so I’m asking for your insight.

    I’m so sorry about the rant it’s really helped me to write it all out.

  231. Laura

    I’d just like to say you’re such an inspiration to me. This site has been so helpful recently.

    I’m 18 and in June this year I finished school forever. Me and my now ex-boyfriend went to boarding school together and therefore lived together for 2 years. He was in the year below me. For me I’d never had a relationship before.. I’m the kind of girl who is best friends with boys and fools around but doesn’t do relationships, anyway me and Peter made friends early on because I was in the year above him and all of the year below boys want to be friends with older women! We hit it off straight away we always had a flirty relationship but we would also have really deep best friend conversations and we would talk about who we liked etc.

    After a year of being friends we met up at Leeds festival in the summer, he’s not the kind of guy who is organised or committed so I was surprised when he wanted to and we got together one night. Even after that we just stayed good friends and talked all the time, it was easier as we were both in six form and at boarding school that means you see a lot more of each other.

    One night I got drunk and admitted that I thought we should fool around and he said he wasn’t sure because he might end up liking me. Anyway we started hanging out on nights at school and eventually got together. It was my last year at school so I got a lot of benefits such as being allowed to go to the pub and I could drive and his year always had a lot of respect for him because I would take him to year above parties and to the pub. Peter is good looking, naturally, girls always find him attractive  and liked to talk to him but I trusted him and knew he wouldn’t cheat so I didn’t mind. I on the other hand are average looking but as far as it goes I have the kind of personality which makes boys really like me. Me an Peter were always having fun, we never had a dull moment we were always laughing and never fought.

    I drove him everywhere and did everything for him, and in the summer we travelled across Russia together and had a really fun time and even more in love when we got back when we were together there was no stopping us no one could phase how happy we were. Shortly after returning from Russia, Peter travelled to Mongolia for a month and the day after he returned he went to Leeds Festival again so I offered to pick him up (it’s a 3 hour drive) and he accepted. That night when we were reunited we were the happiest we’d ever been, we couldn’t keep away from each other. We were so in love.

    3 days later he said he wanted to take me out for a nice meal which he did. I am going to university next year and this year taking a gap year where I will be working in France on a ski resort for 5 months, Peter had to go back to boarding school for his last year. At this meal I started saying that I wanted to stay together and things would be harder but we could do it and he agreed. Then when we’d finished eating he broke up with me he said a lot of things, that I was perfect that I’d made him happy but that he wasn’t willing to do long distance for 5 months, I was the kind of girl he’d marry but he was only 17. He stayed with me for 3 hours while I cried and offered to come home with me but I said no. He said the most important thing to him was that he didn’t lose me, that was all he cared about because we got on so well and we’d been best friends before that it was really important to him.

    Then it began. He texted me constantly to make sure I was okay, and said all those things that everyone thinks but you shouldn’t say about how alone I felt and he just said he was so sorry and that he’d always be there and he cared about me. We still constantly talked on Skype and it felt okay, just like we were doing it long distance. A week after the breakup we met up and we were having a really fun time until I got upset because I didn’t understand why we’d broken up. Even after that we were alright. Then something changed, I knew it had, he stopped speaking to me as much and had lost interest. So last night I rang him and said that I knew he’d moved on, I can tell with Peter I always knew what he was thinking. He said he was talking to another girl yes a new girl who’s joined school, she’s legendary, insanely pretty, blonde, a model and she also has a boyfriend of 3 years and yet he doesn’t know her at all.

    Last night I said did he still want to be friends and he said he didn’t think it was best for me, it was the only thing he cared about when we broke up. The fact is that now he’s found someone who’s really pretty he doesn’t even want to stay friends. I’m so lost as to what to do, I’ve spent the past 3 weeks just crying and now I’ve lost faith in people because he was a good guy and it turns out he’s just gone for looks in the end. Is she just a rebound? Does he actually not care anymore? Was he just using me for the status he got from having a girlfriend in the year above?
    Part of me thinks that maybe he needs to grow up a bit. 17 year old boys aren’t fully mature yet and they often don’t know a good thing when they see it.

    However, I don’t really know what to think, so I’m asking for your insight.

    I’m so sorry about the rant it’s really helped me to write it all out.

    Thank you for your amazing website

  232. David

    Dear Thea,

    I just wanted to share my thoughts on my break up with you.
    Although we were only together for 8 months I am heart broken, I know it’s not long but the feelings I have are beyond belief. I am thinking of writing a letter to her but I wanted to talk about it first. It was like I had met my soulmate; we poured our souls into each other and time was lost when we were together. She felt so strongly she had words tattooed into her skin in reference to me (so she says).

    We split around 10 weeks ago and since that day I have taken time to reflect on the relationship and the mistakes I made, I left too much distance between us and left her alone for too many nights. There were ex issues for her part and court etc so I was a little scared so I kept in the back ground.

    I knew the split was coming and when she emailed me (she sais it was too hard to do in person) to say she needed me to step back from her life I did so. Giving her 100% space and respecting her decision.

    She contacted me around two weeks later to say she had won her court case but I was not ready to talk; she contacted me again the following week asking when we were last intimate as she was having some minor surgery and the doctors wanted to know. I explained I could not remember.

    We met the following week as she had a jumper of mine my mom gave me which I wanted back but I admit I used it as an excuse to see her but she was more than willing. We chatted about general stuff and she commented on how well I looked, she was playful and smiling.

    I made my excuses after about 15 minutes and headed for the store; when I got there I was walking inside and I saw her pull up and follow me inside. She followed me round the store and we talked some more. I asked her there was anything she had not said or done as she will probably never see me again she just replied “don’t say things like that”.

    I fell back in love right there and then.

    She emailed me 10 days or so later at 01:30 to ask for her medical card relating to her epilepsy; which I returned via post with no message.

    When she received it two weeks ago she emailed me from a joint account we shared and she asked if I have went to the email where all our thoughts and feelings are saved. I just said I stopped when I knew her feelings had changed and asked her why she had gone there. She just responded “I don’t know why.. perhaps I should not have..”

    That is the last time I have heard from her. I feel it’s unfair that she is contacting me for no real reason but I am not playing games as I am getting on with my life.

    I have my self-respect and I hold myself is great esteem and I won’t contact her as she asked me to step back from her life (I promised I would) and she has done nothing to change that. I still love her so dearly but I am being strong and I know in time my heart will mend. I am dusting myself down and straightening myself out and although I may well always love her; when I am ready I will love with everything I have left.

  233. thea Post author

    Hello Awwww first I am sorry for the delay in writing. I have been busy working, teaching, working out etc and haven’t had a time to properly reply to your long post. Secondly I am sorry you’re going through pain. This sounds like it’s really your FIRST break up so you don’t really have a “benchmark” with to gauge it on.

    So believe me when I say this is all a GOOD thing. Loads of good things about this story.

    1) I want you to spend your time in France – totally FRREEEEEE. Do not get involved with anyone while there – just have fun with your other co-workers. Avoid getting attached to anyone.

    2) Stay PRESENT when you’re over there and do your damndest to not think about what’s going on in HIS life. (hard as that is).

    I think he does love and care for you but he was right – he’s 17 years old and he shouldn’t be too tied down to you or anyone. Even if he gets involved with Miss Bimbo I mean Blondie – it really doesn’t mean it will work out in the long term. Guys can get hung up on aesthetics and people like me can’t compete with that sort of thing. I just shrug and go – “talk to me after this infactuation wears down and you have nothing to say to her”.

    I suspect he will miss you. In his mind he’s trying to do you a favor because it’s absolutely right YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS right now. It will hurt way way too much. It really will.

    The age you’re both out, without sounding patronising, is an age to “try people on”. To not get all serious and bogged down in commitments. It’s very rare to meet someone, get involved and spend the next 30 or 40 or 50 years with only that person. Kiss the frogs.

    Travel the world. Study. Long distance relationships suck at the best of times – let alone when you’re a teenager with raging hormones. No, I actually think it is GOOD this ended and ended now as you’ll start to feel better the moment you land in France and are surrounded by new scenery and people and places and customers etc.

    I know it’s sad. It feels like rejection but really it’s not. He’s just the first in a long line of romances and possibly splits before you wind up with someone you want to dedicate your life to. I personally recommend you don’t do THAT before reaching, say 30!!

    Get out there and make the MOST of these amazing experiences you’re having. Take advantage of all opportunities for travel and life experience. Then post Uni get yourself into a career you can really make your mark in, get your own home, and THEN you can worry about boys! Seriously that’s probably the one sort of error I made in my life – I let my own worth and happiness be based on how guys saw me.

    Instead of building my own SELF WORTH first.

    You’re great. I know it. You know it. He knows it.

    He may act like he doesn’t love you or care for you but I can assure you he does so – despite all evidence to the contrary.

    In fact he cares enough he doesn’t want you to hurt – so he’s keeping distance.

    I really don’t suspect you’ve heard the last of this one yet – but please make NO EFFORT to see him, talk to him, text him, snoop on him (via social media).

    Nope it’s time to be in self-preservation mode. Start healing and dealing and feeling good about you again.

    The rest really WILL take care of itself. I promise!

    The world, my dear, is your oyster.

    Take care xx

  234. A

    I was his first girlfriend and it was when we first entered college. We were friends before and then something started between us. I had been in a long term relationship before and so I felt like going into the relationship I was a better version of myself than I was when I was younger.

    We had a really great relationship to be honest. We, however, were two different people but I felt that opposites attract and that we balanced one another. Slowly though, towards the end, we started fighting more about how I was insincere and how he was so tempered.

    He had recently started joining different clubs on campus and meeting new people that he started wanting to go out and party more. Being the worry wart I was (I was cheated on in my last relationship), I admit that i held him back sometimes from doing what he wanted. But I felt that while I was trying to make things better between us, he still lost his temper easily and called me names.

    I loved him though so being a persistent person that I am, I didn’t give up. But somehow along the way he did. And that was another problem we had, he always felt like he was a “quitter” and I feel like he saw it was easier to run than to stay and make it work.

    We took a break from each other for a few days to clear our heads.

    When we came together to talk about our relationship he said that he still loved me and felt like he was in love with me but he wasn’t sure if all of his heart was in this anymore. He felt half of his heart was saying to keep trying with me and wanted to be with me and the other half didn’t know. He wanted to see if there was something else out there for him since this was his first relationship. But during the whole conversation he was very unsure of anything, all he said was that he was unsure enough of where his heart is to risk losing me. During our break he went out and partied with friends and he said that though he missed me and it hurt him, he felt relieved that he didn’t have to check up on me. He said felt that I was tying him down. I told him that I understood where he was coming from because come on, he’s still young – it’s his first relationship – I understand. It’s just I know how much he loves me and so I said that I think he’s confusing his fun weekend to be his new life now – that he isn’t going to feel any pain or remorse or longing for me since we had spent almost two years together. But he said that he if regrets it, it’ll be his fault and he’ll deal with the consequences and if he really feels that he finally knows where his heart is, he’ll come back to me and I’ll have to decide if I want him back or not.

    Is it wrong of me to want him to regret it? Is it wrong of me to feel like he may feel relieved that he doesn’t have to be in a relationship anymore but that he will eventually see that life without me has its cons too? Is it wrong of me to feel like some people don’t know what they got right in front of them until they lose it? Is it wrong that even after everything, I still can’t get it out of my mind that I miss him and I want him to come back?

    I really do love him and I really do want him to be happy – but as sad as it sounds, I just thought it’d always be with me. I just thought we’d work out and I’m having a hard time dealing with the loss of my best friend and possible love of my life. Granted it’s only been a few days since it happened.

    I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that he said he loves me but he’s doing this. I know I need to get my life together without him, but I just feel that we may be ending now, but that this is not the end for us – that he is going to come back and realize how wrong he was. And that – that mindset is bad, bad, bad, for me because I can’t afford to think that way right now since I really do need to move on with my life. I know it’s only been a few days but I don’t want to waste my life away being miserable. I want to live my life.

  235. tee88

    Dear Thea,
    I found your website while doing the classically mental thing of googling desperately for a solution to my pain.
    My ex boyfriend and I met last november and he ended things last week.
    He said he just wanted to be with me and that he wanted the relationship. But I knew he had huge dreams of working and travelling abroad. He is a very driven and career focussed person. But I told him we can deal with whatever happens when it happens.

    The relationship progressed, I met his friends; they loved me.
    He was acting like he was in love, we went to India together this summer. He was so protective and proud of being with me. Also pointing out how beautiful he thought I was and how funny and smart and how he always just met crazy girls who made his life hell. I knew his ex was unhinged.
    He did anything for me, designed all the diagrams for my postgraduate dissertation without me asking him to. Came to my house and mowed my lawn for me when all I said was that my landlord was hassling me about it.
    Went on business and bought me presents.
    I was blissfully happy.

    His phone broke and I told him to get the latest iPhone, he laughed and said he couldn’t commit to a 24month contract! This should have rung alarms I guess.
    What business did I have being in love with a man who couldn’t even commit to that?!
    But he had me totally convinced we had something; he used to ask me about what I wanted from the future. Exact questions from 3 weeks ago, would you ever adopt, when you get married what will you wear? I mentioned once I wanted to live by a lake and he said he wanted a river but that their would be a lake at the bottom and just smiled.
    How could I not read these as signs he loved me?

    He always told me how natural everything was between us from the start and how I was the most amazing girl he’d ever met and that it was fate and how thankful he was to have met me. (said as recently as 3 weeks ago).

    I then moved back home (further hour and half away from him) after I graduated two weeks ago and we were fine still, he helped me move. Then last week I asked him what we were doing for my birthday and he said he didn’t know and that he had ‘a lot on’.
    I was understandably upset. I am generally thr most understanding girlfriend ever, NEVER suspicious, never demanding.
    He then got weird and text me saying he thinks I’m seriously amazing, the best girl he’s ever met but that he didn’t think he could do the long distance anymore.
    I was so confused.

    The next day he rung me. I told him to just say what he had to, he said he just didn’t see how we could have a proper relationship when we hardly ever see each other.
    I suggested we see each other at least once a month, he said he didn’t want something so regimented.
    I suggested I could look for work closer to him now I had graduated.
    He said he couldn’t believe I said I’d do that for him but that there’s so many things he needs to do by himself right now (like move abroad) and that he’s just selfish because he’d love to be able to say the same. And that he can’t be responsible for mine and his strong feelings (really don’t understand this).

    So I told him if you are breaking up with me do it properly and tell me it’s over.
    His response; I can’t.
    Tell me it’s over and there’s no hope, no future for us.
    His response; I can’t.
    I told him you don’t want me anymore so say it.
    His response; I do want you. just because I’m doing this it doesn’t change how I feel about you.
    I said this is just going round in circles,
    I said we can’t be friends and that it’s done…goodbye.
    He didn’t say anything.
    I said you won’t even say goodbye?
    He said; I can’t.
    So I said it for him and hung up.
    Then he text me saying he’s not being very ‘understandable’ and that he doesn’t even know what he’s doing. And that he’s sorry.
    He sounded so confused like this was such an impulsive decision and like he was regretting doing it as he was doing it.

    I am trying to get over it and I know it will take time but what on earth is going on. I know he doesn’t get involved with girls easily and he knows the same about me and guys. This was something special.
    But I can’t shake the feeling that despite this he still cares for me and maybe one day we’ll get back together because of what he said.
    I miss him so much it hurts.
    I haven’t contacted him at all since the break up last week.
    But I don’t know what to do now.

    Any advice would be very welcome!
    Thank you so much
    x x x

  236. Anonymous

    I turned 18 just under 2 weeks ago. One of my biggest problems with this break up, is many people under-estimate it. See it as ‘young love’ and so do not understand the severity of it. In my personal opinion, my sorrow is not less real than a 30 year old.

    From when I was 14, I liked a girl from my school. Very much. It wasn’t love, even though at the time I said I did. It was simply a young crush. I used to feel very depressed when I saw her laughing with other people, jealous that it wasn’t me. I’d speak to her maybe once a week and it would give me a rush. By the time I was 15 I had become closer to her, and we were considered ‘friends’. Though, I still got surges of pain when I saw her close to other boys. She never had a boyfriend, and I’d never had a girlfriend.
    As we became closer friends, I revealed to her that I liked her. This is shortly before my 16th birthday. She told me she felt the same way, and we started seeing each other. By whch we meant texting more and walking to school together and meeting up maybe twice at a park. After about a month she told me a relationship wasn’t what she wanted. She broke up with me, and I was very upset by it. A few weeks later I found she had become very close with another boy. However, following an argument between them, we becMe friends again. She saw me in my 16th birthday and gave me my first ‘kiss’ (the smallest peck on the lips). Here’s the problem. Up until now, the impression is that it was a simple teenage love triangle, and that she wasn’t that nice. The opossite. She was simply outstanding.
    We continues to see each other, and had our first proper kiss a month later. Our relatinship grew and grew, and eventually I realised I really did love her. I’ve always been logical, and so when my friends would say they “loved their girlfriends” I’d reply “it’s impossible to feel love at a young age. It’s just teenage affections”. But I loved her.
    She was my life. Every day started and ended with her. My education has always been important to me, and I maintained my high grades. I knew of a few boys that liked her very much. Before they knew we were together they hated me. They held themselves above me. It hurt me. But when they knew I had her, they went silent. They didnt resoect me or become my friends. They just stopped. And I felt invincible. I didn’t care what I looked like or what people thought of me. I had her. She loved me no matter what- it was strange but comforting. She never found other people attractive, only me. Not even celebrities. And I felt safe. Very safe. I would go to her with all my problems, and I was put first. She out me before herself. Took care of me and made me the most important thing.
    We had a beautiful one year anniversary. Went to dinner, and had an amazing night.
    For our final 2 years before university, we went to different schools. She hated hers, and I loved mine. She didn’t make frinds, whilst I did. It made her feel insecure and I understood. I didnt speak to girls on Facebook or text them. And we worked. Perfectly.
    Neither of were party goers. I went to a few parties in my school, and asked her many times to come with me, but she said no. Didn’t feel comfortable not knowing anyone.
    My 17th birthday was amazing. She got me so many presents andbwe went to dinner and made a big thing of it and I soent the night at hers. I had never been that happy.
    Just over a month ago we celebrated our 2 years. To this day, I hold it as the greatest day/night of my life. After that, everything broke.
    I went on holiday for a few days, and she emailed me saying she was going to a party with a friend, as he had a plus 1. I was hurt that she had always said no to me, but agreed to him. I felt insecure. When I got back I saw pictures of her with boys hugging her over facebook. I was upset and she apologised. But it stuck. I had become very insecure. Scared that things were changing. She went to a few more, and they increasingly hurt me more. I became paranoid she was going to leave me or something was going to happen. I wasn’t sleeping or eating as much. Little things started to cause huge cracks. Like all couples, we’d had fall outs and arguments and problems. But this was worse. I was becoming very scared. I needed her, and she tried her hardest but I was broken.
    A couple weeks ago, I had a realky bad day. I missed the train, my bag broke, my bottle leaked, I lost my homework and was close to tears. She texted me and comforted me. I walked to her house and she came out and hugged me. But I felt like it was different. Like she wasn’t sure.
    My birthday came. She was nice, but not the way she was the year before. I had tortured myself with thoughts that things were changng. And now all I thought was that they were. She had work that day so I only saw her for about an hour. A few days later she said it wasn’t working. We cried and she said she just wasn’t sure anymore. I cried in front of her and she said she didn’t know. Alot of people wont understand this. But I was her first priority. If she saw me sad she’d break. It was devestating. So there I was. In pieces. And she didn’t know what to do. The next day she said she’d thought about it and wanted to stay together. That she was being stupid. I didn’t feel well. I was still in shock. And a couple days after that she broke up with me. We were in the car. She was crying and i was sobbing. And she said she can’t. I went home. I didn’t see her for days. I went to her house 2 or 3 times and she wouldn’t see me. Said it was too hard. She removed me from facebook, deleted by number.
    She’s been the centre of my life for 4 years. Apart from the pain and hurt of a break up. I feel like I don’t have a life anymore. There’s not a gap in my life. I literally do not feel like I have a life. I’m jealous of everyone that’s around her. I hated myself before I was with her. I had a terrible dress sense, bad hair, bad hygeine. Whether it was because of her that I became better is questionable. But what it comes down to I had very little before her. And now I feel destroyed. I spent a month not sleeping or eating in fear of this happening. Its happened and I feel like there’s a hole in my life. I haven’t eaten or slept since. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I’ve accepted she’s never coming back. But I’m still lost and I’m 100% convinced I’ll never be the same.

    I understand it feels like I’ve just told a story. But I haven’t found any better places for advise where I could let it all out.

  237. thea Post author

    Will respond as soon as I can please bear with me though! It may be a day or even two!

    I will do so as soon as I can!

    Not “classically mental” just “human” hon! Remember that x

  238. Emily

    Hi, I could really use some advice now.
    My boyfriend and I were seeing each other for almost a year and a half – we met because we live in the same apartment block (where we still live in separate apartments). He’s quite a bit younger than me, something which he has always said never bothered him at all. I met all his family and he mine and we all got on great.

    My problem was that after two bad relationships and being cheated on I’ve had a rather negative view of being in a couple. However, he chased me and chased me and I eventually fell totally in love with him. We were even talking about moving in together and even last week he sent me a place to look at by email.

    A few months ago however, I became insecure and I wasn’t going to the gym, felt like I looked crap and started to lose confidence. Things were just the same with my boyfriend but I began questioning everything, to the point of challenging him and accusing him of not doing enough for me (even though he’s done more for me than anyone ever has and was totally supportive through the last year which was really tough). I needed reassurance from him and went about it in a nagging way, continually moaning and then to the point that I would kick off with him about anything. He kept trying to please me and even said, ‘everything is fine, we’re fine but if we keep having these same conversations it won’t be’. I didn’t listen and continued on and on until eventually last week, he said ‘we’re not working, I can’t give you what you want’ etc etc.

    I started going on at him and saying sorry for the way I’d pushed him but all he kept saying was ‘I love you but it’s not working’. I asked everything in so far as how he felt about me and he answered yes to loving me, fancying me etc etc but eventually the only reason he could give was that he had run out of steam.

    Over the last few days, I’ve seen my therapist who helped me through depression last year. I’ve had a massive wake up call and realised that everything had been fine in the relationship and that all I had needed to do was calm down and enjoy it. I should have seen my therapist months ago because I think there was a hint of depression coming back and that was what was causing me to lose confidence and take it out on my boyfriend.

    I know that it was me who instigated the break up even though he finally said that he couldn’t take anymore. But I want him back, he has been amazing to me and it maybe sounds like I’m in denial about the break up but I know we had a future and could have had children and had an amazing life together.

    With the help of my therapist and best friends, I’ve decided to avoid him completely for two weeks to give him proper space and thinking time rather than appear desperate. I also need that time to build my strength up and get the old me back. My therapist suggested writing a letter to him but to just include statements about what I did and also about my gratefulness for all the things he did for me, as well as my recognition about how I’d pushed him away.

    I’ve done the letter and will probably get it to him next week and will then hold my head up high and get on with life, perhaps with a view to asking him to meet for a drink in a few weeks to see if there’s any way forward.

    I do know that I’ll be fine with or without him but if there’s any advice at all that you can offer, it would be appreciated.

    Thank you.

  239. tee88

    hahaha thanks Thea, I suppose it is just human nature. Rejection makes even the most intelligent people fall to pieces.

  240. thea Post author

    >> Is it wrong of me to want him to regret it? Is it wrong of me to feel like he may feel relieved that he doesn’t have to be in a relationship anymore but that he will eventually see that life without me has its cons too? Is it wrong of me to feel like some people don’t know what they got right in front of them until they lose it? Is it wrong that even after everything, I still can’t get it out of my mind that I miss him and I want him to come back? < < IN a word? No. None of it is "wrong" but when it comes to break ups I don't tend to work in right and wrongs. I just have to accept whatever "is". Maybe we should change to "counterproductive"...which a lot of that is. >> it’s only been a few days but I don’t want to waste my life away being miserable. I want to live my life.

    You’re doing great. You’re getting over the shock. You’re coming to terms with his decision to possibly “walk away for good”. Maybe you’re right, maybe he will realise what he’s missing if he goes…it’s happened before. I do tend to try to get people to accept it’s over in a sort of “prepare for the worst and hope for the best” sort of way because yes otherwise you’re clinging to hope without being able to really move on.

    So work on you, your life, your healing. Being that happy person with a full life with or without him! That’s always more attractive to our ex’s anyway,…in fact many can’t stand to see us moving on living life. Hurts their pride a bit.

    You’re a fighter with the right attitude I can tell. You’re bound to have some highs and lows as you head down this recovery road but you’re going to make it through this – whatever happens between you. That’s they way it is for most people here but only PAIN can cloud their judgment and make them, rather erroneously, believe otherwise.

    We heal in spite ourselves sometimes.

    For a few days – I see a great attitude and a real survivor. You can do this!


  241. thea Post author

    Ok so this has been a week of NC? That’s challenging. Well done on not caving.

    If it’s any consolation I did that with my ex – we were at university together and when I moved home just for the summer I said I wasn’t sure I was in love with him anymore and a week later I regretted and went to tell him and he was back with someone he dated before me. Kicked myself but ultimately it was the right thing for the long run anyway. He married her I believe! LOL.

    Sorry that’s probably not helping. My thought is that you’re strong. You’re doing good. You’re confused. You’re hurt. I say stay strong – prepare for the worst (that it is over “for good”) and start healing as such.

    He may or may not come back but either way you’ve started to move on and such.

    He’s definitely confused. Maybe because he cares a great deal about you (maybe even loves you) but is still young (as you both seem to be) and wants to have some footloose and fancy free time post university or whatever…Which I totally get.

    You two do need some time to figure out where you’re going and what you want out of life. Settle into some work life. Try people on for size before settling down for the long haul.

    Maybe a break will help you both to assess things?

    I reckon people should not even consider super serious relationships until their over 30. Who you are at 22 is not who you are at 32…We got through immense changes – in my humble opinion between 28-32. In fact I call it “the tunnel” because even in that short space of time people tend to go through some big changes!

    So my advice is keeping doing what you’re doing. You don’t sound like you need any.

    Be strong. Keep the faith it’s all unfolding divinely. Know that it all works out for our highest good…eventually. I just can’t say (nor can anyone really) whether he will come back again!

    I do feel that either way – you’re going be A-O-K!

    You hang in there toots! x

  242. Shannon

    I have read thru these posts and feel compelled to share my story, as I feel like it might help with my recovery process….

    I am a 32 year old woman, never married. I was in a long term relationship that lasted until 2 ½ years ago. It took me a LONG time to get over that relationship. Though my ex manipulated and used me, I allowed it to happen b/c of my own insecurities. However, once he got a live-in girlfriend, I finally came to terms with the fact that it was over and I should move on. Which is what I did. I decided I needed a change of pace and moved 600 miles way to a large city. I knew no one, but in the last year and a half of being here, I have a large group of friends, a great social network, a fantastic job, and am happy with my choice.

    Three months ago I started dating a guy I work with. This is just the first of many red flags. Even though I knew he was coming off a year engagement, two years together in total (which he had broken off roughly two months before we started seeing each other), I ignored any hesitations I had about possibly being a rebound and allowed him to pursue me. I met his son, and began spending the majority of my time with him. We both seemed ok with the speed at which things were moving. I met his son, and spent the majority of my summer doing outings with them. We were a couple in every sense of the word.

    However, roughly two weeks ago, things started to go downhill. And within the last week, I noticed him being distant and withdrawn. Everything came to a culmination when he dumped me at the bar on a Sunday afternoon. I had asked him if we could meet at his house to chat, but going out and drinking during football was more important then ending our relationship like adults. He told me that he needed to be alone for awhile and focus on himself, and that he had become scared with how fast things were moving. I should add that this was done in a bar full of people, a lot of them being our friends.

    B/c of this, I have made a conscious effort to enforce the NC rule to get over the relationship. I have deleted any forms of contact I had, including having my friends change passwords on my accounts, deleting both him and the friends he hangs out with from my Facebook, etc. He recently got a new job, so I don’t have to deal with that. It is day 5 of NC, and I find myself ebbing and flowing in my process.

    It’s the little things that get me. Constant daily reminders that make me remember the good while blocking out the bad. We had a lot of fun, but I’m not sure yet if it is him or the relationship I miss. We had gotten into a routine, and it’s hard to break something you are used to. There is the comfort and security. We also had a lot of fun together.

    I know that there were things that didn’t align with what I am looking for in a mate. I feel like he drank too much, and would become “Carl” his alter ego name his friends gave him whenever he became drunken mess) on many occasions, which would embarrass me. He is 26, six years younger than me. However, my self esteem has taken a major blow, as it does when any of my relationships end. I realize that he saw something that wasn’t going to work with us, and I should be grateful that it happened now and not after 3 years together, but I keep asking myself if I am ever going to meet someone who wants to spend their life with me. I am quite fine with being alone and enjoy my personal time and space, but I would like to have a partner to spend my life with. I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why he would think he can find someone better. I am hurt and angry, and want him to miss me and regret his decision.

    I know that eventually I will move on, and am a bit mortified that I am spending this amount of time mourning a three month relationship. I know that NC will help me move on, but I miss talking to my friend every day.

  243. Robbie

    Hi, I found your site whilst looking for answers. I can honestly say that it has been the most practical help that I have found anywhere.
    But I still need to talk.
    I am eleven months in to having been dumped by my ex who left, taking my 12 year old son and her daughter with her.We were together for 15 years.
    After all this time, the pain doesn’t seem to have diminished and every time I think it is fading, something happens to freshen it up!
    I can see from your site that I have done everything wrong. I sent her flowers , love letters, long explaining letters, gifts, offers of holidays, in fact anything to persuade her to come back.
    My problem is that I was quite happy with the relationship. We both had children from previous and together we made a beautiful family.
    I miss that the most. I now rattle around in the family home pining for the days when it echoed with the noise of family.
    I can’t just ignore her which seems to be the most common advice because we have to see each other nearly every week to collect/handover our son. Every time I see her my heart still breaks.
    She has been seeing someone else since June. Up until then, I really did think she might come back. She kept hinting at it even up until last week! There seemed to be no real reason for her leaving other than I had become depressed after the death of my mother one year earlier. Since meeting her new man she seems to almost delight in upsetting me. It doesn’t help that he is younger, fitter and wealthier than me!!!
    I have started seeing someone else who is really quite nice to me, but I feel ‘dead’ inside and I still think of my ex nearly all the time I am with her.
    I have asked for some proffessional help and started some CBT last week.
    Will this pain ever ease?

  244. tee88

    Thea thank you for your kind words. Your personal reponse on this website is fantastic! Most websites just dole out generic cliches not at all suited for every situation.
    It is still really painful, I’m throwing myself into spending as much time focussing on fnding work (and with lots of interviews my move to london is imminent)! But I have moments of pure, overwhelming sorrow at the thought of what I’ve lost.

    I have always been sensible with men and he never once disrespected me or treated me poorly, my friends told me to write a list of things I don’t like about him, tragically this was it;
    1) he broke my heart.
    I’m not naive and I KNOW how much he cares, no one could have faked the way we were. From our first date we were both hooked. He wasn’t in anway seeking a relationship and ours happened by accident.
    I know him and I totally understand what he wants, to be free and travel and not have to consider someone ele in his decisions.
    I wish him every success in the world.
    But the times we joked about what we would name our first child and growing old together still haunt me. These were things he knew he didn’t have to say, I wasn’t a commitment hungry girl. He said them because he genuinely felt it.

    The real problem is he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I can’t shake this sense of loss.
    It’s been 2 weeks of total NC from either of us and I’m terrified he’ll just forget about me (out of sight out of mind).
    I can’t bare that we might become strangers.

    My friends all say they cannot believe how strong I’m being about not contacting/stalking him. I truly feel he won’t ever want me shoul he feel I NEED him so that’s why. I might cry rivers but I don’t want him to see.

    Is it the best thing to stick to this and wait and see if he contacts me?
    I worry he may not because he’s scared of how I will react, since I told him we couldn’t be friends.
    I also feel contacting him with a letter (as suggested by so many of my friends) will just smother him with my emotional words and drive him away for good AND also mean I give up the small amount of power and dignity I have kept by NC!

    Thank you again. X

    Shannon, I’m no expert in men (if my story confirms anything it’s that men are a total mystery…one minute it’s OMG you are amazing, the next it’s I can’t do this)
    I think you are doing the right thing with NC and you shouldn’t feel bad at mourning a 3 month relationship.
    Whatever length the relationship lasted we women always invest time, effort and emotions.
    The fact that he just came out of an engagement means he probably was confused and possibly on the rebound but it doesn’t mean he didn’t care about you!

    I feel that the thigs you say about him that he had an alter ego “carl” and that he used to embarass you speak for themselves, he doesn’t sound like the right man for you. Or for any woman!
    Doubts are there for a reason but believe me I have had my fair share of getting involved with men like him!
    I was dating a guy who after 4 months went to Spain and had a threesome with his friend and some random girl! I was horrified but so glad it happened then and like you say not months later.

    None of this really helps but the only thing you can do is know there are other women feeling exactly the same,
    and also that there are better men out there!
    My problem was I felt I found the right man for me, as I still cannot speak one bad word about him…but if it’s not meant to be, what can we do? x x

  245. Josh

    So my girlfriend left me about six weeks ago putting an end to a one year relationship. We’d been through some rough times and our relationship hadn’t been going that well for the last few months, I’d been noticing for a long time how she just wasn’t that interested in me anymore and although we’d been trying to make it work again she said she finally couldn’t take it anymore. She said she no longer was the person she wanted to be when I was around and that the both of us probably would be better off apart. We had done so many things together, including backpacking in Australia, and gotten really close to each other so needless to say I was devastated. And making matters worse this was the second time she dumped me, so I felt like a complete idiot for taking her back in the first place. It was the end of the summer and both of us were going to move away in two weeks to start studying at university; the same town and the same university. The original plan was that we were going to go together, turn over a new leaf and live in this new town together (although in separate apartments) and everything would get better.

    But moving away actually helped me through the first pain since I simply didn’t have time to grieve that much. I started going to the gym more often, joined a choir and tried my best to be so busy I didn’t have time to think about her, and since it’s quite a big city I didn’t see her around anywhere. It was almost like she didn’t exist anymore and although I was still heartbroken I had my new life to focus on.

    All that changed after a couple of weeks however, one night when I was out partying and saw her waiting in line outside of the club. I started talking to her and we ended up at my place and she stayed the night. I know I broke the biggest rule of all: don’t have sex with your ex, but I couldn’t help it. It felt so good to be with her again, to be with someone who understands me and knows all about me. We were both very confused about what we had done the following day and we decided that we should meet again in a week and talk about what had happened, to decide what to do next.

    I was very confused, I still remembered how bad the relationship had been in the end, but it was as if everything I had been missing back then had come back, even if just for one night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
    One week passed and we met again, at her place this time. It was overall a very strange day, I told her how much I still loved her, we talked a lot and it turned out that both of us still had very strong feelings for each other, but neither of us wanted it to end the same way again. So we decided that it was a bad idea to try again, but I still stayed all day and we hang out just like we had used to do before, before everything went bad and our relationship was still loving and good. She actually seemed to be in love again, she even told me that she was glad that I was there even though we had just decided it wouldn’t work.

    So now it’s a week later, and I have no idea what to believe anymore. I can still remember all the bad times, how she made me feel alienated and ignored and how I felt worthless mostly all the time in the end, but I just can’t understand how we can still hang out and get along that well together if it’s just all bad. And I know I made many mistakes in our relationship too, I was always very insecure and couldn’t really handle the fact that she didn’t want to be with me all the time. And whenever she didn’t seem as in love with me as in the beginning it always made me very worried, to a point that I in the end couldn’t appreciate the times she actually wanted to be with me. So I can’t really stop thinking that it could be my fault, that if I learn to be more secure with myself we could be the greatest couple ever. All in all I just don’t know what to do at the moment, should I wait for us to get back together or should I forget about her and move on?

  246. Deandrea Barlow

    My Story

    I’m a 40 year old Male to female transsexual and I was just “fired” from my relationship of 7 years. It was important to me because (not his real name) “Bart” was an older man who truly loved Transsexuals. You have to understand that a transgendered person such as myself, has a hard time finding a relationship a monogamous one because of the situation. So, when I started dating Bart I got to know him and we ended up falling in love. Time past and we were still together but fairly recently he was becoming more of a parent to me than a lover or a partner.

    One morning as I was going back to my place to take care of my son, he stopped me and confronted me about not spending more time with him, and I thought he had understood that I was (a) moving in with him in 30 days. (b) he had been acting as if I was taking him for granted which i wasn’t. We had a mini fight and he told me that he was tired of me and think that we can be over, i disagreed with him and left. a few days later he asked me not to come over and spend the weekend with him, this was bothersome because we always spent the weekend together, this was the first time in 7 years he didn’t want to see me. I grew concerned. I agreed to give him some space….for 2 days, but 4 had passed and when i called I asked him what was the problem, but he wanted to talk face to face….and when i arrived at his place he told me …” Dee I can’t put up with you anymore…I’m too old for this…” I asked if he still loved me,,,,he said NO, with his head down. I stood there crying, but strong and I got my things and left. I cried myself to sleep since then…

    It’s now 32 days later, and yes I been through all of the stages at least 5 times…sometimes all in a day…I’m lost sometimes, and then I’m fine then i cry cry cry…until I sleep. I lost 16 pounds and my job is starting to suffer. I wish and hope that he will contact me and he has…just to ask me did i put a code on his Direct TV which i did…cause it’s in my name…but as of yesterday I emailed it to him.

    He used to help me financially. That has stopped and my cell phone is gone, and now my car might get repossessed. I’m a writer who loves to write, but now all i can write is poems asking for him to let me come home…(his home) I’m lost…hopeless and reached out to anyone who would listen…there are days which I can’t even watch TV and forget about music….sucks because I love music and I loved him.

    I don’t snoop, I’m afraid that I’ll find something out that will push me over the edge and I’ll so something stupid. Just don’t know what to do anymore…I live on dating sites and yes i had rebound sex, I’m just so lonely at times…I don’t know what to do….

  247. thea Post author

    You know sweetie, I truly can see myself in every single person who comes to this site. Every single one I can see a shred of how I feel or how I felt. I remember that feeling of ebbing and flowing – between wondering if I missed “Him” or the “idea of him”…

    The guy who inspired this very site was a ONE month relationship – with a 2 week holiday in the middle. So we were close “online” met – hung out a few weeks – i went on holiday 2 weeks – came back and he dumped me. SO wait it was a one month relationship that I took TWO years to get over. So don’t tell me you are mortified about still feeling upset about this ok?

    Now speaking as your future self…this guy could just be triggering some past stuff from past relationships. I think my “muse” was that for me. So though I say I took 2 years to get over it – it wasn’t about HIM! It was about me. It was about my childhood disappointment and hurts. It was about my failed married in my 20s, it was about my long term relationship after that – with my “so called” soul mate…It wasn’t about the one-month relationship at all. You know. Just a trigger.

    Plus I didn’t help myself by remaining in CONSTANT email contact with the guy for months. Swapping music. He’d advise me on tax stuff (accountant!) or print documents for me because I didn’t have a printer…He was sweet to me so I took that as a sign that he really did care for me.

    Quite a shock when he moved in with someone and married her! Youch! That was a toughie but ultimately he’d taught me all I needed to know and we’re (email) friends now! Again. have been for 12+ years! Not seen him face to face for about a decade mind you…but we swap emails every now & again and are on what I’d say was “good terms”. So it’s funny how things work out.

    We’d never have been a good fit for each other. I always knew it. This guy wasn’t a good fit for you. Carl? Bleuch.

    I reckon you’ll come to realise you’ve had a lucky EX-SCAPE.

    Just ride through these peaks and valleys. Keep reminding yourself it’s all good and unfolding just as it’s meant to.

    I sometimes repeat “the best is yet to come!” (Van Morrison that)…when I start to feel “Hopeless” you know?

    You’re great. Don’t let this little setback make you think otherwise ok?

    You’re whole complete and perfect just as you are and this experience does NOT change that!!

    It really doesn’t. You have moments that you THINK that it does!

    Hugs xx

  248. thea Post author

    Oh sweetie, please start by ending the budding romance with the new relationship.

    I really do fear you’ll get more hurt or really end up hurting HER by not being ready to date yet. I can’t begin to tell you how many thousands of people ended up on this site b/c of someone like you who still was in LOVE with their ex, yet tried to date too soon. If you’re thinking of your ex all the time you’re not being fair you’re really not.

    As for your ex you’ve not done anything “wrong” as such…You just didn’t do something that WORKED. You know? But it might have — all those things you tried. Sadly it just didn’t.

    My thoughts is – get strong. Get over her. Get working on a FULL life – especially when the kids are with their mother. Take charge of your life. Start to do things you’ve always wanted to do. Get out and meet new people – make some new friends that didn’t know you as that FAMILY GUY you were.

    Hobbies. Sports. Book clubs. Whatever it is that rocks your boat – get out and find something else to occupy your time and mind. Not just some woman who happens to be “nice” at the right time.

    I’d run a mile from anyone less than a year out of a serious relationship. Maybe even 2! Because until you could get to the point you’d knock your ex back if she came begging – you have no business dating someone. I mean if she did come back tomorrow and say “oh honey I am so sorry I’ve made a mistake – please take me back” – would you? If so, poor Miss New!

    To be honest one of the most attractive things (and annoying) to see in a ex is them getting on and doing stuff. Travel. New lease of life. New job. Moving house. whatever…So to really make this ex of yours take notice – or any future Miss New – be the kind of guy that has a full and interesting life! You know? Especially if you do stuff that is “out of character” from the guy she once knew.


    As for feeling DEAD INSIDE – boy do I know that feeling well. I’ve experienced that myself too – over the years at different times!

    Again another signal to me you shouldn’t be trying to DATE!!!

    Give your chance some time to heal / process and feel whole again. It’s not a race against your ex. You have time to date again. Don’t be in a hurry to do so.

    Take a long hard survey of your life and see what’s working about you and what isn’t. Set up some goals and make some changes eh?

    Be that kind of man either your ex will want to re-connect with, or if not her, than the next one who comes along. Maybe even the one your currently with – just on down the road a bit more. Please consider what I’ve said about the current Miss New. Please.

    Take care hon…You’re ok. You really are. Keep on keeping on!

  249. thea Post author

    Hi Tee.

    Nearly midnight so hope to respond to your post in the AM. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment and a bit about your story. it helps other people who come here in pain to see others going through what they are xx

    PS: >>> Your personal reponse on this website is fantastic! Most websites just dole out generic cliches not at all suited for every situation. << Thanks for that too. A mixed blessing that b/c I feel guilty when I don't have time to reply personally! xx

  250. thea Post author

    OH sweetie I am so sorry for this rollercoaster you’re on. It’s midnight now and I am afraid I am not at my best most empathetic self just now so I need to leave a response until tomorrow. Just wanted you to know that I read it. I feel the pain. Everyone here who reads it will understand. Man woman gay straight – this is a thing that affects ALL OF US the same – and deeply. How we respond may differ of course but all of us do feel hurt at times!

    Channel all that pain into some writing. Seriously. I am seeing a new novel in your cards. Take some artistic license with it and fictionalise it a bit. If you’re a writer than pour it all out – in private for your eyes only. Write down all those random thoughts that are swirling in your mind.

    I can promise you it will get better.

    I can promise you will love and feeling whole again – it will take time.

    Of course the above is contingent on you working toward that!

    Big hug to you – I need sleep now – my eyes are @@ xx

  251. thea Post author

    Sweetie it’s midnight here (12:01) so I need to leave this response until tomorrow. You hang in there. I’ve not read your whole thread yet but I say often the best advice is “prepare for the worst” (it’s totally over) and hope for the best. So usually (again I’ve not read YOUR story) but I say usually accept it’s over and start to move on. It may not be forever. Sometimes people do come back…but ACT AS IF…you know? Act as if you’re moving on…heal, grow, learn…it can only bode well for either her return or the next Miss New. Need sleep @@ xxx

  252. Nate

    Thea, thanks so much for the website. It’s helped me a lot over the past 3 days. I didn’t think that reading so much about breakups in the middle of all this angst would help me, but it has, immensely. I still feel damn bad, but I feel like I am a few steps further back from the edge.

    I am a 33y.o. male dealing with rejection from a 4 year on/off again ex. We got together way too soon after her divorce. She’s a gem, but has an unreliable family, and at the time only a few friends, so I was the only one she could rely on. I had to be there 24/7. To make matters more complicated, I was causal friends with her ex-husband, and knew his family well, but felt I couldn’t continue a genuine friendship with him after she and I got together. She could be, at times, a very emotionally codependent person and prone to depression due to abandonment and abuse issues from her childhood, stemming from her relationship with her mother. In taking care of her and ignoring all my needs and friendships, I eventually became emotionally codependent on her as well. She seemed to become jealous if I spent time with friends, without her. She cried and pined intensely and constantly for her old home and life, even though she said she no longer loved her ex. This was hard on me. I tried everything I could to comfort her and became upset when I couldn’t console her. I felt very inadequate. But, now I know she was going through a natural grieving process, and only she, God and time could heal her wounds.

    This went on for months until she finally moved back in with her ex as a house-mate. She told me it was to help her ex who was falling apart. She told me she felt extremely guilty for leaving him as a wreck. She took ownership of his grief. He was in really bad shape over their divorce as well, the guy was broken bad. He was about to lose his job, and could barely function months later. I knew it wouldn’t work out with her living back with him, even though they weren’t romantically involved. But, we stayed together anyway after breaking up for a short period of time. Now that I look back on it, I was very unrealistic to think things would work out with her moving back at that time. But love truly can ruin judgement.

    A lot of serious mistakes were made on both sides. I take full responsibility for my part. I was immature at times and depressed with many aspects of my life. I had self esteem issues and I could be judgmental for insignificant things. At times my manner, dress and hygiene suffered due to laziness and depression. I was still struggling with issues I had from a difficult childhood, complicated by fighting parents who almost divorced multiple times over a 6 year period during the toughest part of my youth, my teens. I was unemployed for long stretches of our relationship mostly due to lack of motivation caused by depression. The little money I made working odd jobs went quickly.

    I didn’t communicate my distress often enough when she got out of line with me, and I ended up holding on to a lot of resentment during the relationship. When I did confront her I was so fed up I would lash out angrily and make the situation worse. Instead of being gentle and patient with her and asking her to apologize for her poor attitude and behavior, I would be the one having to apologize for badly reacting to her misbehavior. This was a very negative cycle in our relationship and created the majority of the resentment in me early on. I should have stepped back and let her handle it on her own, on her own time.

    Our relationship had to be kept secret in fear of retaliation from her ex and his family now that she was living in a spare room in his house. This put incredible stress on me. In public we always had to appear as strictly platonic. Never daring to hold hands, hold each other or kiss in the wrong place. I always had to look over my shoulder if I wanted to touch her. I wanted to show her off to friends. I wanted to show that she belonged to me and I to her. I wanted to display the beautiful love I found in her. This was denied to me. The only people that ever knew for sure about our relationship was my family, and I swore them to secrecy. Even in the church we attended we couldn’t show our love out of fear it would get back to her ex somehow.

    Her ex eventually accepted the facade that she and I were just friends, and I was allowed to visit at their home, which is were we spent a lot of our time. Yet another place where we could not express our love and affection for one-another. My place was tiny, like a dorm room, and she hated it. I disliked it as well, but it’s all I could afford to maintain at the time.

    I was becoming bitter, distant, frustrated and angry. I would phase in and out of outright distaste for her, and then back into intense love. There would be times when I wished I never met her, and times when I felt like I couldn’t live without her.

    I wasn’t communicating with her properly and she was making improper assumptions because of it. She told me she wanted security, and a family. I wanted those things as well. I don’t blame her for this, but this is a major reason I think she moved back in with her ex. He has a decent paying, union secured government job, and a comfortable home owned by his grandmother. His immediate family lives next door. And his wealthy grandmother picks him up if he stumbles financially. And even though at the time she didn’t want a romantic relationship with him, she was safe and secure in a place she had no real danger of getting kicked out of, as well as being surrounded by his family who still treated her well after their divorce. When I came to understand this, more feelings of inadequacy stacked up.

    Her father, the one parent she loved, and the one stable member of her immediate family, eventually died of cancer. Thankfully it was after they reconciled. But this event still put more stress on us both because of her mourning and heightened sensitivity to death. I still have a terrible moment of regret during this hellishly difficult time for her. I lashed out at her calling her a name when she lost her temper with with me. I Know it hurt her profoundly. That is the poison of letting resentment grow.

    I waited too long to find employment. The menial job I was able to get at the time was garbage. I am college educated, but the economy had just tanked and I hadn’t applied myself like I should have. Being a previously self employed odd job man, and out of the job market for so long, I had no other immediate higher paying prospects that would allow me to invest the time I thought this relationship required. In desperation I studied and tried to pursue crazy and unorthodox ways of making money in the hope that I could meet her expectation. Not only could I not meet her emotional demands, I couldn’t meet the financial expectations she had for the prospective provider of her family. I used to lie to her and tell her things like “I want to live a humble and simple life.” But the reality is I did want a good job, I did want those extra material comforts for my future family and myself just as much or more than she did. The truth is that I was humiliated by my current station in life, and I made up excuses to to cover the shame and low position I then held, instead of being a man and using my talents and abilities to get what I wanted.

    Pile on top of all this that she worked 1st shift Mon-Fri, and I generally worked 2nd shift Wed-Sun. Our time together became very sporadic. Around this time I could tell we were drifting apart.

    Things were near impossible, but I loved her so much I didn’t have the courage to break up with her, always hoping somehow we would magically work it out. But, she stepped up to the plate eventually, and broke up with me over the phone, while I was at work. I was so shell-shocked and directionless over the next few months that I had to quit work. I literally felt like a zombie. I became ill and depressed and only a major change in diet and exercise brought me back to reasonable health. I had made this persons emotional state the reason for my existence. I didn’t know how to function properly as an individual anymore. But still, I hadn’t yet experienced the classic breakup feelings of intense angst. I now realize I was subconsciously holding on to some hope we would reconcile as lovers.

    After a few months we reconnected as friends. I still had strong feelings for her, but I didn’t openly express those feelings. I could tell she didn’t feel the same way anymore and it killed me inside. It made me react in an exaggerated manner to any perceived negativity from her. Whereas my love for her grew over time, her initially intense love for me faded. She was frustrated with me and hurting me a lot by being extremely critical and very strict, or so I thought, because I had trouble adjusting to the boundaries of our new relationship. So I finally told her how I still felt and that I had to break off the friendship for a while to get my head straight. After a few weeks she kept trying to contact me. She became angry at me on our last phone call at this time, crying and telling me how she couldn’t stand the idea of us not being friends, but I stayed firm that we shouldn’t see each other yet. She coldly responded that I shouldn’t worry about her anymore. During our time apart as friends, I missed her badly, but in general it felt as though I was learning to accept the reality of our new relationship as friends. It was later that I realized that that last phone call with her was the last nail in the coffin as far as she was concerned.

    In the months leading up to me calling her again I had really gotten my act together. I had realistic life goals now. I wanted to settle down. I had made some money, I had fulfilled my obligations, I was exercising again, and I was actively looking for a decent job with upward mobility. When contacted her hoping to reconcile our friendship, I found out she had gotten back together with her ex husband. The man she was with before me, and also the man she said she could never be with again. This totally ripped the carpet out from under me psychologically, and all my emotional illusions came crumbling down. I was left in a state of extreme despair. I had been holding in so much for so long, not dealing with it, that it came pouring out of me. Thank God my brother answered his telephone later that night because I had no other psychological anchor at the moment. Gotta love family.

    She told me she no longer had the same feelings for me, and I could tell she meant it. I told her I wasn’t angry and hoped she would find happiness, I meant it, even though it felt like my guts were being ripped out and stuffed down my throat as I said it.

    She is polite about it, but she explicitly indicated she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. She’s not cold, but I can hear the loss of love and affection for me in her voice now. I desperately miss the genuinely happy tone in her voice when she used to answer her telephone knowing it was me. She told me it does neither of us any good to have contact, and she’s right. She now does anything she can to end any communication between us formally, quickly, and with as little opportunity for reconnection as possible.

    The cruelest part of this, is that if she was willing to be friends once more, I was going to ask her to give us one more chance to be more than that. Just because I was going to ask doesn’t mean she would have said yes. But I wouldn’t have to wonder now, like I do. I grew up too late and missed this one.

    I’ve lost my first real love, and now I’ve lost my best and closest friend. This woman, with all her flaws, is a wonderful person. To me, on her good days no one was her equal. There were a lot of bad times, but there was a lot of joy, laughter and love as well. She was generous, kind, affectionate, sexy, faithful and so much more. When she still loved me I could literally feel it radiate from her when I was in her presence. And I still love her deeply as well. Enough to die for her if it came to that. I just wish I knew how to better express those feelings then. I know if the circumstances of my life and hers had allowed us both to be more mature at the time we came together, we would probably still be together and most likely married building a wonderful life together. We both really wanted the same things in life. Security, comfort of family, and committed love. We just weren’t able to get there together before our time as a couple ended.

    I felt we had a connection that went beyond just love, religion, morality, personality and passion. We had the connection of those who have experienced family dysfunction, trauma and abuse as children. We had the ability empathize with that experience in a way those not reared in that environment can’t.

    But, she has truly moved on. She’s in her 30’s and I think she feels she can’t take the risk anymore. And I can’t blame her. A woman at that age has to take relationships seriously if she plans on having her own family. She is now building love with a partner she is already familiar with. Their relationship will develop much more quickly than if they were both strangers, and she will eventually completely forget about me. In fact it’s even possible that she might see me as a threat to her new relationship considering my past with her and her partner. I can no longer hold on to any illusions, subconscious or not, of reconciliation. Short of a miracle, I will never know her love or friendship again, and it’s crushing. I can only compare it to the feeling one might have if a beloved family member no longer loves you, no longer wants to be around you, and you just have to live with it.

    One of the hardest parts of this for me is accepting that I can’t make right those wrongs I never atoned for. And that those wrongs against me will probably never be explained or made right either. The feeling to me is that a person I deeply loved, but had unresolved issues with has died, and I can NEVER make it right with them again. The thoughts keep banging in around my your head “I wish I had…”, “I could have done…”, “I should have done…”

    Most people would classify me as a pretty manly, tough guy. I’m tall, strong and I don’t take crap generally, and I’m into most manly guy stuff. I can take a lot of life’s really rough parts in stride. I don’t come to tears easily, but this one had my face in my hands near sobbing. And I don’t feel a damn bit of shame for it.

    I used to tease friends about getting so broken up about specific women. I’m now eating my words and attitude with a side dish of emotional-baseball-bat to-the-temples. I have never gone through anything like this in life before. It has been a life and perspective changing experience. I will never mock, minimize, or belittle someones feelings again. This is literally one of the hardest life experiences I have ever gone through, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I would say only the death of a close family member would feel worse.

    I know, if i don’t die of a heart attack from lack of sleep and appetite, that I will survive this.

    I’ve learned so much about myself, and I have matured and grown spiritually and as a man through this ordeal. I know I will come out the other side a better more, responsible adult. I I’ve learned real men express themselves and communicate the best they can with the one they cherish. They always face the unpleasantness of interpersonal conflicts with love, patience, and forgiveness in their hearts, and always take personal responsibility for themselves. Don’t ever let resentment build in your heart. Your partner deserves more than that.

    I’ve learned never to take anyone at anytime for granted. If you had love like I did, don’t ever sit on the sidelines hoping things will work out on their own. Do everything you can within reason to make it work. That way if it wasn’t meant to be and the relationship still falls apart, your regrets will be much fewer. I’ve also learned patience, humility, responsibility, and love without reciprocation.

    This experience has proven to me that we are on this earth to learn how to love, regardless if it’s returned.

    If my ex were to call me right now and tell me things weren’t working out and she wanted to try for a second go, I would unquestionably go for it. I’m still in love with her. I would do anything within reason that would make it work and give her the life she wants. But I have to face the fact that that is incredibly unrealistic. And so many people suffer so much longer than they have to by hanging on too long to unrealistic hopes like that.

    With work and or luck, I’ll eventually find a woman with whom I can have the same intense, committed and possibly greater love. It’s for these wonderful future lovers sake that we have to let this pain go, prevent our hearts from hardening, and move forward with life. I’m damn sure not going to mope around. All the things I was doing to improve myself before I got my heart broken are still a priority. I need that good job, nice home, reliable car, and fit body in case another incredible lady comes along.

    Maybe in a month when things cool down, ill send my ex a copy of this. I think it would help give me closure to tell her all the things I wanted to express to her the night she cut me off.

    Godspeed to all of you.


  253. Kember

    My story…Ducky and I had been together since 1999 and I was dumped late 2008. She is a full fledged lesbian and had ‘converted’ me when we met. The second i met her, I told her that I was in trouble. I had never in my life been courted and loved like that before. I had had 2 long marriages, 9 yrs and 13 yrs. and they were both good men. I was too young or something. Anyway, with lots of boyfriends in between. But when I met her, my screwing around days were over. Like I said, the way she loved me was unmatched and beyond my wildest dreams. I felt secure in our relationship and I thought things were going fine. She had suggested I go back to school, she’d take care of all the living expenses, I only had to work parttime and go to class. Up to the day (night) she locked me out, I was her soulmate and we’re going to be together forever and yada yada yada. During my 2nd week of school, I came home at 10:30 p.m. ( I went to the evening classes), and found out my key wouldnt’ work. She and her son and our dog were in there, but she wouldn’t answer the door. Police were called and even they couldn’t do much. I ended up sleeping in my car, freezing, scared, etc…Next morning, I broke a window and got in and found her sleeping with another so called straight thing in our bed. She went crazy and police were called and I was escorted out. After that, I never spoke with her again. I managed to get most of my things, (she and her friends had stolen, broke or gave away a lot of my stuff) with a police escort. To this day, I have never seen her again or talked with her. I did find out she was sniffing around all these other women. I was and still am devastated and have pretty much isolated myself. My faith has been shattered yet I want out of this depressing mode and live again. I did manage to finish school and get a job, but lost it after my parents became ill and passed away. I haven’t worked in a long time and gained weight and lost it. Help

  254. thea Post author

    Hi hon,

    I am sorry to hear your story hon. 7 Years is a long time and I am sure there are other complications (which you allude to in your post) which makes it even more challenging.

    First I applaud you for not snooping that is awesome. Challenging to avoid doing. You’re only a MONTH out of a long term relationship and by all accounts I’d say you’re doing pretty darn well really.

    You’re clearly quite a strong person. You’d have to be to have led the life you’ve been living. I have every faith that your inner strength will pull you through this, I really do.

    You’re feeling the lost of a lover/friend/confidante and financial supporter. That’s challenging and scary of course – but also what a wonderful opportunity for you gain total independence. I finally managed that after several decades and it feels great. To not have to rely on any man – what a great gift that is!

    Let’s just flip the table for a moment…Bart’s old. You’re…well, not, not really eh? So what areas can you focus on with respect to your relationship that didn’t work. I am sure that if you really look at it realisticly – without emotion – there were things about it that were not fulfilling. Am I right?

    I mean I know you’re sad and mourning the loss and you miss that life you had but sometimes we need to let go of something merely good to bring in something even better. Can you entertain that thought in your head for just a moment or two.

    I am not sure I have much to say by way of thoughts or advice to be honest. It’s a slow process hun, – tears, sadness, loneliness, fears, it’s all part of this healing process for all of us. Go easy on yourself.

    Set some small goals…and FIXATE on the goals – I am talking daily tasks maybe some weekly ones but also where you’d like to be in a year’s time. Maybe some 5 and 10 year goals. I did that when I went through my biggie break up of 99. Found the sheet a few yars later and I’d achieved all of them – getting a good job, buying my own flat, a new car (used of course), some fitness stuff etc.

    Dare to dream big doll, seriously. And I am getting (call it psychically) that you need to write some of this – I am thinking fiction or even autobio. NaNoWriMo starts in 3 weeks – how about doing it?

    This really could end up being the BEST thing that ever happened to you!

    If you let it!

    Hugs x

  255. thea Post author

    Well Josh in scanning through your story sounds like it’s a bit of a confusing setback. Really I reckon this is now the time to focus solely on your own life and self-esteem. I wouldn’t say it’s all anyone’s fault. Relationships take TWO and so do breakups…but insecurity is a real killer. We all have moments of feeling insecure but if we allow them to fester and grow we end up creating the VERY THING that we worried about. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    So maybe learn more how to BALANCE time and energy spent with someone – either for her or the next woman that happens along. It’s truly not very healthy to spend all your time with one person. Because when things like this happen you’re bereft. I know I did it too. When the guy left me for his colleague I felt my esteem was obliterated. I’d based so much of my self worth on his view of me.

    Sit down and have a think about the things you did to contribute to this situation and if you come up with some things where you could have done better make a note of them. Maybe you’ll even get to talk to her about it and how you accept responsibility for your role in things. Again it’s no one’s “Fault” – it just is what it is.

    >> how she made me feel alienated and ignored and how I felt worthless mostly all the time in the end,

    See here is where I differ than the vast majority of people out there. I am a bit like Eleanor Roosevelt who says “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. In other words no one makes YOU feel anything – you choose to feel a certain way. You ALLOW IT.

    So if you felt insecure and unworthy – regardless of HER actions – you had to then accept her view was more important than yours! Understand what I am saying here?

    We don’t have too much control over how other people TREAT US but we do in how we choose to interpret their actions, words etc.

    For now – I want you to stop trying to “figure it all out” and just work on ways to feel better about yourself. More confident. Like the wonderful person you are! You’re fabulous regardless of whatever she says/does/thinks/feels. Your worth is not based on HER or anyone else’s opinion of you. OK?

    I wish I learned this at 20. Or even 30! But it’s something I too have struggled with off and on over my life. I’d say the real growth didn’t start to happen til nearer 40! Sadly! But better late than never.

    You’re whole complete and perfect as you are. Start working on enjoying YOUR OWN COMPANY and once you do you’ll probably find other people enjoy it too!

    That’s usually how it all works.

    Night night x

  256. thea Post author

    Hello it’s late again Nate. I read through half of it (it was bloody long) and my thoughts were…will this reconciliation work? I mean what changed from when they split the first time.

    If you really were good friends – I suspect you could be again. You may get to tell her all of your thoughts at some point. You never honestly know. It might not be in 2012…

    But maybe in a year or two or ten – who knows?

    Maybe you write it all out in letter form and put it away in a drawer. I tend to think this stuff is vibrational and writing is cathartic. So even if she never reads it – perhaps the energy will some how be felt (again who knows?)

    I need to get some sleep but I hope to finish the 2nd half soon.

    Take care Nate. Night night x

  257. John T

    I’m 22 in 3 days, senior in college. My ex is a sophomore in college. She is 3 yrs younger than me. She’s going to be 19 later in the month but, for the most part, carries herself like a 25 year old.

    We met very accidentally. She thought I was hot and confident and she got me off the rebound on another girl. I told her we needed to slow down, and shut her down. Then I told her I liked hanging out w/ her, and hanging out turned into sex 2-3 times a day. She was ALWAYS in my single dorm room for about 2 months.

    Then, she went home in LA and I in PA for the summer. That was 3 months, but we stayed in contact, though our relationship (about 2 months into summer) started to soften up. HOWEVER, she called me drunk one night saying she loved me, which I responded “OK that’s great, I’m not there yet though.”

    We got to school in August, and she was making an effort to see other friends, joined a sorority, and made very little effort to see me. I asked her why this was, and she basically said that she couldn’t physically make more of an effort. We had sex once, and then she took it away because she said she didn’t want the relationship to be based on sex, like her past relationships were. I was fine with this for a while.

    Long story short, she really tried (and claims she really wanted to) to give me an effort, but we kept amending the relationship, things always came up (I accused her of cheating, which she didn’t, and she basically forgave me the next day after seeing how she could believe why I would think she cheated).

    I told her I wanted to bring her back to my house. She was OK with this. Her friends all like me, and even say how I should be patient with her because she really likes me. I was very happy to know this.

    We had a few issues along the way (I sent her a FB message once because she didn’t understand why I was unhappy with our relationship), and, although she said she disagreed with a lot of the stuff I said, I saw her try and make a lot of the things better.

    Long story short, I was on my way home w/ her yesterday morning, and when we’re almost at my house, she basically breaks up with me saying how she loves me, wants to be with me, but physically can’t and needs to get her life in order. Later that day, I drive her back to school, we stop for froyo, both of us are EXTREMELY emotional, I tell her how she was the best thing that happened to me in college, she smiles, laughs at my jokes, and cries.

    I heard she was with sorority sisters last night, got VERY drunk and emotional. Me, I was with my best friend, got pretty drunk, and spoke to his mom (like my second mother) about men she has fallen in love with in the past that didn’t pan out.

    Like I told my now ex, it would have been SO much easier if I could hate her, but have nothing to hate her for.

    We decided not to delete each other from Facebook and Twitter, but there will be no contact from either one of us. I’m done with school in December, and I want to be friends with her down the line, but don’t know if I’ll be over her soon enough for that to matter. I lost more than just my girlfriend, I lost my best friend.

  258. John T

    I forgot to mention: about 3 weeks about, I admitted to loving her, and she replied w/ “I love you too.”

  259. Nate

    Yeah, sorry about the length Thea. I was just trying to work my thoughts out on digital paper, and get it all out in one post. It really helped. Even though I don’t know anyone personally, I know those who are here can actually empathize because they are going through similar things. This web site is like therapy. I got a little more sleep last night, and I actually started feeling better today. I was able to eat decently as well. I highly recommend to everyone that if they have some place of spiritual guidance to go to, that they utilize it. Attending church services today really helped me. Even though I didn’t feel like getting up and going, I’m glad I forced myself. Thanks for the advice. I’m mostly at peace with whats happened, even though I have ups and downs of irrationally here and there.

  260. Josh

    Yeah I think you’re right Thea, there were lot of times when I worried over things so much that they became real issues, and instead of just letting it go I kept on feeling worse and worse about it dragging myself further and further down a hole I created for myself. It’s not that I didn’t know it was a bad thing to do, but I just couldn’t stop being so negative all the time and interpret everything she said as if she didn’t love me anymore. I realize that most of it was in my head and that by being so worried about her leaving me I ended up pushing her away instead. I used to be angry at her for not trying more but I think I understand now that she did everything she could, it was a problem that I had to sort out on my own and there wasn’t much she could actually do about it.

    I think I have already come to terms with the fact that I need to be on my own for a while, just like you said, to become more comfortable in my own skin so to speak. But at the same time I don’t want to lose this girl, and I don’t want it to be too late the day I’m ready for a relationship again. I just can’t stop thinking that if I get more secure we can be a couple again, and that makes it hard to just let her go. And in a way I feel that I owe it to her to try to explain why I did why I did. But either way it’s probably not a good idea to contact her for a while.

    But anyway, thanks a lot for your answer. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear and it feels really good to just tell the story to someone, to sort of vent my feelings. I’ll try to keep your advice in mind whenever I feel down.


  261. Lucy

    Hi Thea,

    My ex (as of right now) boyfriend and I have been dating for four years on and off. It seems like we’ve never been on the same page. When one of us is happy with the relationship the other is unsure or just being horrible.

    Lately, the problem has been his drinking. When he was younger and before we were together he would drink all the time. When we got together I help him fix this, but lately since his friend has gotten home from the military he’s started drinking heavily again. When he drinks he doesn’t get mean, he just become extremely in the moment. Whoever is around him when he is drinking they’re his top priority and usually thats not me.

    The other day he was going to the bar and I was going to my friends house. I had a bad feeling about that night so I started crying and asked him not to go. He said that his friend was only home for a bit and that I could stay at his house when he got home. So I calmed down and went over to my friends house. I called him a few times and he didn’t pick up his phone so I just decided to go home and sleep. The next morning he had ignored me and I began to get suspicious. I called him and he ignored me again. Finally at around 2 in the afternoon he claimed that his sister had his phone, which made no sense. I went over to talk to him and he told me that he went out with his friends and then he went and hung out with his sister and two of her friends. One of which happens to be his ex girlfriend and then they all stayed at his ex girlfriends house. They only dated for a few months but that was the first girl he ever told he loved her (although he claims that he didn’t mean it) and the girl he lost his virginity to.

    I don’t know what to think because he says he didn’t cheat on me and I’m not sure if I believe him. He’s never cheated on me before and I know that he isn’t the biggest fan of his ex and that is his sister’s friend.

    What hurts the most is knowing that he decided to stay there rather than with me and knowing that he is the first and only person I’ve ever loved and the first person I had sex with.

    I don’t know what to do or how to feel. He told me that he would stop drinking and he would really try this time because he never wants me to feel like this again, although he’s told me a million times that this time would be different. I just want to be with him and happy again. Even thought I was the one who broke up with him I feel like by him making the choices he did he forced me to break up with him. I don’t know what to do.

    I also can’t help feeling like this is my fault. He treats me really well for a while and then I get to comfortable and get really mean and rude and I don’t know why and then he starts doing things like this.

    I really do believe that if we both tried to fix this we could. I’ve never been happier than when I’m with him. We’re so happy together and we have so much fun, he’s my best friend.

    Is it bad that after our on and off relationship for so long that I still want to make this work? Should we try this one more time? Am I crazy for being able to forgive him for this or believing this story?

  262. thea Post author

    Hey Nate sorry I didn’t mean you couldn’t write however long you wanted but only my time is very limited so long posts tend to get shelved (am a slow reader). Glad you vented. Glad you slept a bit more. Glad you feel a bit better. Glad church helped.

    Your comments will have touched other folks on here of that I have no doubt!

    We can all have ups and downs – irrationally 🙂

    You keep on keeping on hon.

    Take care x

  263. Jj

    Hello Thea,
    This website seems like a good place to vent out hurt and inner thoughts, and I’d very much appreciate some of your kind words of advice.
    My first girlfriend left me a week ago after 3 years together. We were very close friends for a year before we were together. She’s been the centre of my life for a long time, having seen her more or less everyday.

    About a month ago she began going to parties more. I became very insecure, and seeing photos would greatly upset me. I’d break down but she’d comfort me. She kept me from falling into depression many times, and was my best friend.

    She left me after saying my insecurities had caused too much distance between us and she couldn’t bare it anymore. I’m falling to pieces- I haven’t eaten or slept for 6 days. I saw pictures today of her with her arm wrapped around a boy at a party. I broke down into sweats and tears and felt very light headed. I’m 18, and thoughh I’m young and this is my first relationship I don’t consider it a mere young crush. I truly loved her, and we even had serious talks of marrying once we finished University together.
    I feel very lonely and weak. She was my entire life for 4 years, and to not have intimacy with her is heart shattering. To not get to hear from her after being so close, and others get to see her breaks me to pieces.

    I would appreciate all kinds of help. I’ve never felt hurt like this before and fear I will lose myself and life.

    Thank you

  264. Leigh

    Hi Thea,
    I had posted a while back in Sept about the army guy I moved for who completely destroyed me and I was just wondering. I read your article about sending birthday messages, and I know that I’m probably just in denial, but his birthday is this week. Although I deleted his number I’m worried that I’ll think about it all day and end up doing something stupid like sending a fb message.
    I know you say you shouldn’t send them if I’m expecting anything back, but I worry that I’m not strong enough. Just to update my story too, I found out last week he unfriended me on fb and untagged himself from all of our pictures. I’m still friends with a lot of his friends so I played it cool, didn’t post anything or delete the pics. I just kept everything the same so it wouldn’t look like I even noticed.
    I don’t know what to do. I try to distract myself with all the good things I have in life but most of my friends are in relationships and I feel like I can’t go out and meet people by myself. I’m stuck in this weird place where even though I know he doesn’t want me anymore I still think about scenarios where he tries to get me back.
    It’s been 9 months. Am I dragging this out too long? I still have the letters he wrote me, a few clothes he bought me. I still look at his friend’s fb to see if there’s a sign of someone new. I haven’t once tried to talk to him since I moved back but I feel like I’m torturing myself on a daily basis and I don’t know how to stop.

  265. thea Post author

    Sounds like you might benefit from a Social Media Sign Off for a while! Bleuch.

    You’re sounding like you’re dining out on this – at 9 mos I don’t expect you to be “over it” as such but I want you to want to be and it sounds like you’re just stuck in habitual negative thinking and self-torture.

    Get on MEETUP.COM and find some groups to join and get out there and make NEW friends if all your chums are paired off. There really is nothing else to do unless you want to sit on your bum and pine for another 9 mos.

    When I was in that boat – I joined a knitting group (no clue how to knit at the time)…and made some nice new female friends I could regularly meet and chat to. I’ve tried some meditation ones, some coffee meet ups, movie groups, writing ones, and even card making group. I didn’t stick with them all but they all allowed me to 1) get out, 2) meet some new people 3) learn some new skills (will never buy cards again – LOL).

    I know far too well what it’s like to waste months and months (ok years) pining on a guy who didn’t want to be in my life any longer and I vow to never do that again.

    Stop snooping on mutual friends, step away from the social media hang outs and get out of the house and walk, jog, engage new groups, hobbies, sports, if you can send him a generic message to say “Happy Birthday” then fine but if you’re going to be totally GUTTED if he doesn’t respond then give the whole idea a miss until you feel stronger where his response doesn’t matter.

    You take care hon…Stop making excuses and get out there and connect with new people! You never know what things will lead to! x

  266. thea Post author

    The first is often the worst…because you have nothing to gauge it against.

    I can promise you it does get better but you need to stop looking at her online profiles – wherever they are. They’ll only serve to drive you to distraction.

    Call on supportive family members and friends who will let you just VENT and be empathetic.

    Take some walks – put some tunes on and get outside near nature – a river, trees, ocean, scenery that will remind you it will all be ok because it really will.

    Eat – try soup if you can’t manage anything. Please don’t torture your body it’s not its fault.

    Sleep when you can – take power naps if you have to. 10 mins here and there. Truly life is ALWAYS better after some solid sleep. Lack of sleep can make us feel HOPELESS.

    She was your world for 4 years – you’re 18 and now you need to make YOURSELF your world. No one should ever be our “world” – because of this very thing. If they leave they take our life with them.

    This is the time to work on feeling worthwhile in your own skin. You’re whole complete and perfect with or without anyone else. She doesn’t “complete” you (in the Jerry Maguire sense) – No one does.

    So yes it sucks now but it’s not her job to console you to make you feel “secure” – you need to do that in your own self. And the more healthy, happy and confident you are the more attractive you are to women. If not her, then the next one!

    So yes that first one is often hardest because you really don’t know what to expect. Trust me when I tell you that you will be ok in time. If you want to be.

    Sit and think about all the things she taught you in those 4 years. That can’t be taken away from you – whatever it was. And think realistically what wasn’t right about the relationship because none is perfect.

    Set yourself some goals about what you want to by the kick of 2013…health goals, school goals, friendship goals – whatever. Focus on the things you CAN control not what you can’t (her).

    Need to get some sleep but you hang in there and read through all the comments and stories. Hope it makes you feel better hon. x

  267. Tee88

    Hey Thea,

    Sorry it’s me again! So I’m in my third week of NC.
    I’m so very confused, I feel am I just putting myself through NC to punish him because I know he’ll be missing me.
    I just feel the only way our relationship may have hope in the future is if we talk about it. And even if we break for now while he pursues what he needs to, it leaves the door open for the future. But I have no idea how to say that without sounding pathetic.

    Is NC best for now because maybe he still needs to miss me. Towards the end of our relationship he was definitely taking me for granted. Or am I playing games and should just be real?

    Also last night his best friend changed his profile picture on fb to a pic of him and I. This picture was taken ages ago and now he uses it? Also my ex then “liked it”. What is going on? (probably reading too much into it) haha x

  268. Jj

    Thank you for your advice Thea.

    I have deleted all contacts with her, but my own thoughts and imaginations are driving me to pieces. We were away from one another for 20 days, and it was by far one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Not speaking to her or seeing her. I miss her beyond words and don’t know what to do, I can’t even begin to consider exercise or picking up a new hobby.
    Im considering medical help- my lack of sleep, eating and the headaches are becoming intolerable.
    Will I ever be over her? It seems like I’m over reacting, but I do not feel like I can live like this

  269. thea Post author

    You will get over this IF YOU WANT TO HON. You really will. You need to sleep and to eat some healthy food. Toast? Soup? Salad? Fruit? Something.

    You need to do the right healthy things to get past this. If you are really struggling, truly, the yes seek help from a professional asap…

    But really all you’re describing is in fact a NORMAL reaction to the loss. So please trust me. Hang in there.

    Find little moments of pleasure. A sunset. A fave song. A TV show you might like?

    Be strong! You can do this! Honest you can! If you want to get over it, to be happy, to love again, you will! x

  270. thea Post author

    Oh dear Tee –

    >> I’m so very confused, I feel am I just putting myself through NC to punish him because I know he’ll be missing me.

    You’re BOTH no doubt challenged by NC.

    The FB thing is a total Head F&&K to be honest. It’s hard to know what to make of that. Maybe they did it as a wind up…knowing you’d be looking and they wanted to mess with your head. Or maybe it means something.

    For now NC is just best until you can get past that desperate stage and handle being in contact without it being painful.

    The time to BE his friend is when you no longer feel that STRONG COMPULSION that you have to be it! If that makes sense.

    Right now you’re in that sort of desperation mode. You’re detoxing and missing him. Totally normal. But really on down the road how you will feel WILL be different. Honest it will.

    I think you’ll be able to reach out, you’ll feel it when the time is right, and you’ll be able to discuss these things you so long to say…but it may not be for a bit. trust that that’s ok. Trust it’s all happening right on schedule because it is.

    Keep breathing and stop snooping x

    Repeat after me IGNORANCE IS BLISS. 🙂

  271. tee88

    haha thank you thea, promise I wasn’t stalking. I can’t. I’ve hidden them all, I got the notification as it was my picture.
    Serious confusion over that. But I have just ignored it.

    I totally understand what you’re saying my emotions are all over the place if I wrote a letter now I could change it 5 times before the day was over.
    Thanks for the reassurance that I’m not completely losing my mind! x

  272. Deandrea Barlow

    I had a set back today…I finally was able to get my cell phone turned back on and I thought that it would be a positive thing, but I should have left it off. #1- I placed an ad on Craigslist the day before cause I was so lonely and all it did was to invite all the low life men from the Houston area into my view…
    #2- I answered the phone and a friend of mine from my past ( which I call a woobie or security blanket.. from that old movie “Mr Mom”) I called him that because he seemed to care about me but only want phone sex. ( be back to this one later)
    #3- In some bad judgment I texted my ex telling him I missed him so much.
    (back to #2) the guy was nice until he got hot and I was on the phone as he had phone sex with me and all I could do was cry because I felt so pathetic and alone that just to hear someones voice I listened to him “getting off” cause all there was for me was silence.
    #4- and finally I saw the picture of my ex’s wet dream , to preface this I would say, a month before we broke up my ex claimed that he didn’t know how ( we’ll call her Jazz) Jazz’s number got in his cell phone as if it was transported by scotty himself, beamed in from the USS stupid..( what I think he thought of me) and later that day I snooped in his laptop and found out he was looking at other transgendered women some were nasty and some were more perfect than I was. Jazz was perfect, she had everything I wanted, nice breasts, nice lips, great job, etc etc etc. In essence he was replacing me. He would tell them how I was this terrible woman to them and still at the time telling me he loved me. Jazz was respectful of me ( so she says in their correspondence on Facebook, yeah I was on his page that day, a month before he left me.
    Anyway, this brings me to tonight, I saw that she was in a relationship but I don’t know if its with him or not because I unfriended him.
    I collapsed on the floor, and started to cry….back to square one again.

  273. gabby

    this hurts so much.. im pretty sure no one wants to go threw this is horrible and it hurts more when u know the person u love don’t have those same feeling for you.

    My story is my girlfriend and i were all good 2 weeks ago we were happy and everything and then i had sum trust issues against her because i found that she be changing my name on her phone but is because i overthink a lot things i tried not to because it was just all in my head and then a week pass and everything was okay except that she look all unhappy and like she didnt want to there with me.

    This all happen in school we been together for almost 8 months but it feels likes its been for a good while because we use to go out a lot except at the point where it was going downhill she even sounded like she didnt want to try to out to places with me.

    so she was going to drop me off home from school because she use to give me rides in the morning and after school. so a week ago she was dropping me home and i told her what was wrong that she look like she was unhappy and i wanted to talk to her about it to help so she started telling me her feelings outside my house and i told her lets go to the park because we were in the car also so we went and she told me all her feelings about it how she just doesnt feel right and that something snap and she didnt want to be doing kissy, huggys all that stuff because she had to much stuff going through her life and also that she wasnt feeling it right now.

    that hurt me so much how can someone that i’ve spent more of my exciting times with could just say that didn’t feel the same no more. i felt devastated she also said that it wasn’t fair for me because she was always busy and she wouldn’t have a lot of times for me but i told her that i wanted to be there for her no matter what, but she still was like she didn’t want no one to worry about her that she only wanted to worry about herself.

    so i asked her what she wanted she turned the other way so she wouldn’t see me and was like “i think you know” so i asked her if it was over and she nodded her head to a yes and at that moment i couldn’t believe it. i kept blaming my self because every little thing i found i use to start over-thinking and i use to get this attitude but i tried hard not to, but i guess it was too late because after that week everything change. she want that girl no more she look like she didn’t want to be there with me no more.

    and now is harder because im a senior in school and i have her for 2 classes for Advocacy and 7th period and is really hard i don’t know hat to do. when we were breaking up we did talk about how there’s no hate or no problems between us – now that we’re friends, but the next day i went to school it was super hard for me when i seen her after 1st period we smiled hard to each other, but i didnt know what to do, so all day, when i seen her i used to lower my head, because i couldn’ t take the pain knowing that in school we were always waiting for each other in the courtyard to go to class and now i see her walking away and it really hurts.

    i always get tears when i think about it and that day in 7th period i went in there and we always sat together but that day i went and sat in the other side of class because i was so confused and it hurt, so i sat next to 2 homegirls I KNOW THIS WAS A MISTAKE but it wasn’t even like that.

    I just needed help in that class and since is yearbook, it was really hard, so i took the camera and the 2 girls were going to help me so i left the room and went to the gym with 1, while she took some pictures and when i went outside some of my friends told me they seen her really emotional outside.

    i felt like complete garbage. but is hard i don’t know what to do, i start feeling pain and my head starts hurting because were in a class together and it hurts knowing that shes in there and i cant even look at her the way i used to.

    im trying to be a good friend at least, but she’s over there taking it all wrong that im being a bad friends now cus of what happen.

    Well i went to her house and fixed it because everyone was taking it wrong… I told her all my feelings but she still sounded like she didn’t care.. i just don’t want her out my life, so everything was alright after that, but i still get that mood where im close to her and i kinda act like i don’t see her around the courtyard or other places because i feel like she don’t want me to even talk to her or anything – so i just sit and stay away quietly.

    every night i think and think and it hurts soo muchhh i need to know what to do because i see her in school still and i get this horrible feelings. i just wished this was a nightmare and i can wake up next to her 1 day again and even this makes me tear up, i miss her so much and dont know what to do

    i want to at least be a good friend to her but how if i cant even stand being near her because i feel very emotional and so many memories – so is really hard i need help pleease.

  274. Dom

    I’m 47 my ex is 40, we have been going out for six months.

    My girlfriend called around yesterday morning,we were ment to be spending the day together,but she told me she was feeling terrible,she cant seem to make herself feel “UP”, she went to the doctors who subscribed her some anti depressents,but she said that they wern’t doing her any good,i told her that it says that you have to wait three weeks for them to work,but that didn’t seem to help. Then the bombshell, i told her how much i loved her and that i would be there for her no matter what, and she replied that she “Felt the world of me” but didn’t love me, the way i loved her, then she broke down in tears and said she had to leave.
    I text her last night saying that i missed her and that i just wanted to put my arms around her,and that i wanted to be with her through the bad times as well as the good, but i recieved no reply.
    So now i am at rock bottom, i don’t know what i should do for the best,should i get back in touch, or should i just give her some space, in the hope that she missess me so much,and realises that she does want to be with me after all.

  275. Zoe

    My name is Zoe and I’m ashamed to admit that I think I was recently ‘dissed by disappearance’. :/

    I met my much older boyfriend 3 years ago and promptly moved across the country so that I could be with him. He talked a lot about marrying me, future plans, starting a business, all that lovey stuff. We traveled around the world together. He was my best friend and I had truly never been happier in life.

    We were madly in love with eachother up until about 2 months ago… Out of nowhere, he suddenly started ignoring me. I went days feeling like I was being completely unacknowledged for no apparent reason and if I brought it up he would brush it off. Instead of once or twice a day, sex became a once-weekly phenomenon and he would never initiate. He stopped kissing me and telling me he loved me altogether.

    Finally, a few weeks ago he told me he would be going to London for a photography job and wouldn’t give me any kind of timeline or date as to when he might be returning. I told him I would love to come visit for a week and never really got any kind of response. He left 2 weeks ago and we haven’t spoken. Not even a call to ask about our cat. And now I’m alone, away from all my family and I don’t have many friends.

    I would understand if this were a slow process where, over the course of a few months we gradually grew apart, but this whole thing just came out of nowhere.. I just can’t help but think that he might be going through some kind of midlife crisis. I’m not sure where we stand. I’m still so deeply in love with him but I’ve never felt so hopeless, hurt, confused, etc.

  276. Katie

    My boyfriend and I had been together a year and a half, we had broken up once about 3 months in, but decided to get back together and hve been together since. I love him so much I can’t believe this has happened. He dumped me because he didn’t want a relationship. It was late one night after work and I didn’t see it coming whatsoever. I still think I’m in shock 2 weeks later. I’ve been crying so much I don’t know how to feel better. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved as much and nothing has ever hurt me so badly.

  277. thea Post author

    Katie I am sorry to hear your story. I know he’s the only one you’ve ever loved (until now) but I would be my LIFE that he’s NOT the only one you ever WILL LOVE. In the great time scale of a life – 18 mos is nothing. Right now you feel awful, you can’t imagine being happy again, you can’t imagine LOVING again, you can’t imagine not being with HIM again but honestly in all cases you can and will. 2 weeks is NOTHING after 18s mos too. So of course you’re still upset, hurt and shocked. I understand I really do. Sadly the pain’s going to continue for some time…but you will eventually start to have those bad days become OK and your OK days will start to become good and even the GOOD will become GREAT. It’s just going to take time ok?

    Please hang in there. Keep writing. Keep growing. Keep healing. Keep learning and above all KEEP LOVING.

    Hugs xxx

  278. thea Post author

    Zoe I see you reason for YOU to feel shame/ashamed to admit someone else did a disappearing act. Man I have had that so many times. They always come back actually – but they never stay. So sometimes it’s better to leave them GONE once they go.

    I personally find the “disappearing act” comes from people that are really MESSED UP and it has little or nothing to do with US.

    Of course our EGOS make it about us but honestly it seldom is. It says more about HIM than you.

    My guess – just a hunch and may not be right is that he has met someone. It just sounds fishy. Usually when they do this – take this cowardly way out – often it’s a case of a 3rd party being involved.

    I don’t think you’ve heard the last of him yet…but whether or not you want him back in your life and can trust him again – will remain to be seen.

    I know what you mean about a “midlife crisis” – I really do. WE do that because have to make sense of someone else’s behavior. When my so cold love of my life chucked me for a younger (fatter) model (meow) – I used to say to all my friends “he must be having an early mid life crisis” (my guy even bought the convertible!) – but the fact was he met someone else he loved better and drove off into the sunset with her!

    Incidentally though that was the worst experience of my life – he’s still with her and boy am I glad. It means he left me for a “soul mate” (even though it hurt I wasn’t her!) Better that then he chucked me for a fling.

    So maybe he’s having a midlife crisis – maybe not. No one will have an idea why he did what he di – maybe not even HIM?

    But I’d almost guarantee that it is of NO REFLECTION OF YOU.

    Like there’s nothing you did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say or whatever. It’s about HIM not you.

    You’re still whole complete and perfect just as you are…ok? Believe it xxx

  279. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay in writing you. I think I read your post yesterday morning but it’s been a busy weekend!

    I think give her time and space if you can. I know you want to keep “checking in” etc but you may end up pushing her further away.

    Maybe she just needs a bit of time / space and for the meds to really take effect?

    I am sure she misses you on some level. But “I feel the world for you” is not really the same as “I’m in LOVE with you”.

    And frankly you deserve that.

    So do try to be strong. Give her space. In a few weeks or a month or so if you’ve heard nothing then maybe a toe in the water “Hey just wanted to see how you’re doing, hope all’s well” – light text like that. But try to give it a month.

    I am hoping I am wrong about her feelings and it’s the depression coloring them…but do brace yourself for the fact that she’s NOT coming back – then at least if she doesn’t you’ve started to heal and move on. You know?

    And if she does come back you can decide what to do then…

    Hugs you take care…as I said to the previous person I just replied to – “THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU”. It really is about her. Not some “shortcoming” on your part.

    You take care xx

  280. thea Post author

    Oh crap! I finally had a moment to sit and read your latest.

    I hope you’re doing some writing. You should use some of these for you Break Up Diary because you’re a good writer and have much more to say here.

    I am sorry you’re going through the pain. I really am. Is it him Jazz is seeing? Who knows…

    IN the great scheme of things (and please don’t hate me for saying this) – it doesn’t really matter.

    As Byron Katie says –

    There’s 3 types of business

    1) your business
    2) everybody else’s business
    3) god’s business

    Then she says – “who’s business are you in?”

    If you’re worrying about him / her are up to – you’re in someone else’s business. No good comes from being in anyone else’s business!

    The thing is (again don’t hate me for this) – it doesn’t change the outcome.

    You’re still single – whether he’s with her or not.

    You’re still whole, complete and perfect just as you are – whether he is with her or not.

    You’re no better or worse off than yesterday or day before – whether he is with her or not!

    Does that make sense? It’s kind of hard for our EGOs to wrap their heads around concepts such as these.

    We immediately compare, complain, justify, etc.

    But really what’s going on in his life is none of your business.

    You just work on being the wonderful, loving, caring person.

    Please take a hiatus from Craiglist and all those HOOK UP apps.

    Work on feeling whole and complete without needing a man to fill your proverbial cup.

    That kind of external validation is an illusion. It’s not a case of some man wanting you that is going to make you finally “worthwhile” you know?

    You need to feel that inside of you. It’s an inside job.

    Take 30 days off of ALL MEN. No sex. Not even PHONE SEX.

    Write for 30 days.

    Focus on goals. Focus on your future. Where you want to be in a year’s time.

    Start sending me blogs. Write me an intro. There’s not reason I can’t start your Diaries any day now to run concurrently with Mark’s.

    Do this. I think it will be good for both of us! 🙂

    Me because I get content and you because you never know where it might lead you to…Something truly wonderful might come from it (by being seen by the right people or by helping other people in a similar state of Trans)…I dont know. I don’t limit it in my head…I just have a good feeling about these “diaries” – no idea why.

    Think about it.

    Hugs xx

  281. thea Post author

    Sorry that was hard to read – with spelling and punctuation. I had to correct some of it and add paragraphs so that other people will take the time to read it too.

    In any event I am really sorry you’re so sad. It’s so hard when your relationship changes from lover to friend. Even worse when you have to see each other. For now keep as much distance as possible. Be polite – smile and say HI but keep distance. Do so until such time as it doesn’t HURT any more ok? Having 2 class periods together SUCKS…but just act as if it doesn’t hurt. Protect your own heart. Keep smiling (even if you feel like crying) and be strong.

    Eventually that pain will stop and you can probably be FRIENDS again.

    Nothing stays the same forever. So do keep on healing, growing, learning, writing, etc – eventually you will start to realise you don’t feel the pain any more. You’ll start to like other girls. It will be ok.

    Take care m’dear. You will get over this. The emotions will stop being so whacked out! They’ll settle down. hang in there x

  282. gabby

    im so sorry for my messy writing i was letting all my feelings out and i had no energy on me to correct it, thank you for youre words this websites has helped me a little to feel better i do hope everything will turn out for the best.

  283. Deandrea Barlow

    Dear Thea,

    Thanks for the advice, both times. I took your advice and joined that group that you mentioned in the first reply. I killed all those hook up apps and stopped going to those sites not to mention started ( for the first time in my life) a blog!
    I understood what you told me and yes, I’m having a hard time with the no men thing, but I’ll try. I decided to also let him be…and work on letting him go. I have wrote down some goals, both long term and short term, but one thing that I will do first and foremost is look for another job..first i have to get my finances together before i can think of romance. I have friends at work who are rallying around me letting me vent and talk when I need to…So thanks…and I’ll keep in touch..thanks so much Thea…thanks…

  284. BJ

    I’m going to make this a short as possible, but it probably won’t be all that short…

    Got out of a horrible marriage with someone I’d been with since we were kids.Think of the type of problem or betrayal and it probably happened in that relationship. Divorce was final this last spring, but we had been separated for over a year at that point. I have no doubt that I made the right choice and am happy with that decision.

    In July I got online to a dating site, to just see what it was about. Saw a profile of an attractive guy so I decided to set up a full profile and just see. He messaged me the same day I set the full profile up and we hit it off immediately. He was very eager to get to know me, very open and let me decide when I was ready to move the conversation offline.

    We started texting, still great interactions and led to phone conversations. I tried really hard to ignore what I was starting to feel for him because we hadn’t met in person and I’d only been talking with him for a couple of weeks. We had a first date and it was good. I remember that I wasn’t nervous to meet him at all, I knew he liked me. I was more worried that I wouldn’t like him.

    We had a second date that same week and it was electric. I didn’t want to go home, but had to relieve the babysitter. That night we agreed that we were not seeing other people. He has a job where he works long odd hours and he would text me all throughout the day. Get off work late in the evening, go home and take care of stuff there and then drive half an hour to my house and stay until early morning. We would laugh, talk, listen to music, watch movies. It all felt very natural. I remember telling him that I felt very vulnerable and he assured me that he was very excited about me and was developing strong feelings. His actions matched those words.

    I know alllllll about bullshitters and when I tell you that this man was genuine with me, and I trusted him in MY GUT, that is exactly what I mean. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than I trusted him at a gut level. I didn’t doubt his feelings for me, or his intentions.

    About 3 weeks in his shift changed to a graveyard and our communication and time together took a hit. I brought it up and he assured me that it was simply him trying to adjust to the new schedule. Thanked me for being so open and asked me to not ever let something small turn big, as it could take us down a bad path. Continued to see each other when we could, about once a week. I was told often that he liked me more and more every time he saw me, that he was excited about me and us. We had both taken our online profiles down, independently of each other about 2-3 weeks in, and without having a conversation about it. That made me feel so good about where we were going.

    We started to have conversations about where we were going and he started talking about being worried about meeting my son, attaching to him and then losing him if we didn’t work out. Neither of us ever pushed the issue of meeting my son, I didn’t want to introduce my son to him until we were “defined” and serious. He had a relationship with the only girl he’d ever lived with for a little over a year. She had a young daughter that he was raising as his own and he often told me how badly it hurt him to lose her daughter. He would talk about his relationship with the mother in a way that he was over it, that it was not a happy relationship and so on.

    One evening he was at my house, we’d been dating about a month at that point. That night, I told him that I knew I was ready to define things, but I knew he was wanting to take things a bit slower than he had in the past since he’d gotten hurt. He took a deep breath in and was deep in thought. I asked him to share his thoughts and he started to. I stupidly got distracted by a text message and missed most of what he said and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I tuned in towards the end when he told me that he finds himself thinking of our future, to the point of living arrangements down the road. Again, this made me really happy.

    The next week, I felt him get distant. It was taking him longer to text me after he woke up in the afternoon and there weren’t nearly as many “baby, gorgeous, sweeties” in our conversations. I basically had to plan our date for the following weekend. This bothered me, but he seemed game. That night we had fun, but I could feel something a bit off. The following Monday we were on the phone and I brought up something a girl had posted on his facebook, he proceeds to tell me that it’s an ex. The one he dated for a few months before me, not the one he lived with, a different one. He had told me when we first started dating that they broke up about a month before he met me. He tells me that she has been telling him that she missed him and such. Tells me that they got very serious very quickly and she dumped him to go back to her ex. I asked him point blank if he had unresolved feelings for her and wanted to try to go back to her. He said no. This led to a serious conversation about our relationship and I could tell he was having doubts, but he wouldn’t admit it or tell me why. 2 days later he broke up with me, or “ended things” since he wasn’t my official boyfriend. Since the break up I have come to the conclusion that he WAS my boyfriend, based on his actions, whether he wants to see it as that or not. The whole thing, from the first date was A total of 6 weeks, yet I was falling in love. We talked for a total of 9 weeks, but I count our time dating from the first date. He treated me so well, like I have never been treated and we were so compatible on so many levels.

    He proceeds to tell me that he started feeling like he was having a hard time balancing what he needed to do for himself with coming to see me. He admitted he should’ve talked to me about it, but didn’t think he could change his mind “Once I’ve made my mind up, it’s hard for me to change it.” Over the next day I let him know that he really hurt me and that I was very confused. He engaged in several conversations with me and told me that there were a lot of factors telling him that as much as he liked me, the time was not now. He admitted to being very scared of losing another family, that he didn’t appreciate that I didn’t trust him fully about the ex on facebook, that he had something going on within him that he couldn’t pinpoint at the moment. I told him I wasn’t the type to just give up. For the next week, he sent mixed messages.

    We have a phone conversation where I point out his mixed messages. he agrees and says it’s because he still really likes me and sees great things in me. We proceed to have an hour and half conversation where he tells me that me telling him that I missed him when his shift changed made him feel like he wasn’t doing enough for me and he felt he was doing the best he could and it made him start to have doubts and negative thoughts. He agreed with me that it was very selfish to not talk to me about it, instead keeping it to himself and letting that small thing turn into something big.

    He took a lot of responsibility for not handling the situation right. He said that I am not the only person to tell him that he doesn’t communicate well when something is bothering him. That he does have a tendency to make small things big and walk away and “give up easily.” He said he thinks this may be part of why none of his relationships have worked out. I made a lot of valid points that he agreed with and said he wanted to let some things sink in. 3 days later I told him I needed him to tell me what he wanted me to do, bc I couldn’t do the limbo crap but I wasn’t going to just walk away knowing he still liked me. He asked me to move on. That was 2. 5 weeks ago. I continued to stay in contact with him (all me initiating except the first day that I didn’t send him anything at all, he sent me a text…mixed signal much???) every few days. He always responded, friendly. One night we were texting about a really bad situation at his job and I decided it would be a good time (insert sarcasm) to bring us up again, because I was still so confused how this man went to being crazy about me to ending things because “It doesn’t feel right. I’m not sure “it” is there.” And why he would tell me how much he liked me but wouldn’t give it another shot. We ended up arguing and he lets loose this little gem: “I’m sorry you’re left with questions, I’ll do my best to talk to you all over again once I’m done reliving my sister’s death, the huge breakup of the girl I thought I was going to marry and her daughter who I truly loved as my own and now all this at work.”

    I told him that now the truth comes out- he wasn’t done with what happened in the relationship with the live in ex, that ended in Dec. 2011. That there was no shame in that but that I hoped he realized now that people get hurt when you say you’re ready and you’re not. He just said “don’t kick my while I’m down.” A few more texts were exchanged and since that night, a week and a half ago he has totally ignored me. I have made a few attempts to make peace, apologized for my part and so on. I have gotten no response. He told me before that he holds grudges, but man…

    I have cried every day, except 2 since he originally broke things off. My hair is falling out, my skin is jacked up, I lost weight. I miss him so much and I feel like I mean nothing to him.

    After he let it out about the ex during our disagreement, I started doing “the math” in my head about what he’d told me while we were dating. They broke up in early December 2011. He met another girl online and dated her for about a month and she had just come out of a divorce and broke things off saying she wasn’t ready. He then met the next girl, online, and they dated for 2 or 3 months I think, maybe 4. this is the one that he had “an instant connection with” that dumped him to go back to her ex bc she wanted her son to have his parents together. They broke up in June. We met in Mid-July. So if I’m thinking about this clearly, he was in a new relationship within 2 months of losing the serious girlfriend and her daughter. And then had 2 other relationships before me, in a 6-7 month period. The girl right before me hurt him when she went back to her ex.
    ummmmm, HELLO NOT READY???

    SO (thank you for reading allllll of this) I can see logically that he has some real issues that need to be addressed before he can have the “forever” relationship he so badly wants. He has communication issues, commitment issues (gives up easily and thinks that he just needs to find the right girl) and has clearly been rebounding from the loss of 2 very important people in his life. So I can KNOW all of this, but I can’t get myself to FEEL it. I still feel rejected. I still feel like if he’d liked me enough he would’ve tried harder to make us work.

    I’ve had friends tell me he was playing me, that he never liked me as much as “pretended.” That if he can get over me so quickly than it obviously didn’t mean much to him. Thea, I do.not.believe that. I FELT how this man felt about me. In his actions towards me, in his words. I know people will say “oh that’s just what you want to believe.” But I don’t think that’s it. I think he has a history of quick, intense relationships, a history of not communicating and working through things and a recent history of being deeply hurt by more than 1 girl. I think he got scared and talked himself out of it. I really honestly do. When I said that to him during one of our conversations via text, he didn’t reply. In fact every time I brought it up, he would clam up and stop texting me.

    I don’t want to miss him anymore. I keep thinking that if I can just get him to see me, or talk to me that I can turn that light back on in his head. I haven’t contacted him in 4 days and am going to do my damn best not to. Because when he flat out ignored me last week, it was a huge emotional set back. My friend’s have told me to get over it. But he broke my heart. I’m a fighter, I fight for what I want and to be just shut out of his life is so hard. I find myself thinking that he probably doesn’t even miss me, or think about me or feel bad. That he is probably happy as a clam without me. Those thoughts hurt the worst I think. That and the confusion.

    Any thoughts, insight or advice would be so appreciated. I’ve had to refrain from messaging the ex who lived with him and asking her if some of my observations about him are correct. But I know that would make me look psycho, I don’t know her. Anyway, thanks for reading this novel lol!

  285. BJ

    I’d like to add that he was always pretty honest with me when I asked questions, even if it was not the answer I wanted. When we were having the conversation about the mixed messages I calmly told him that if this had anything to do with the most recent ex contacting him, if he needed to sort out any unresolved feelings that I couldn’t be mad about that, that we can’t help what we feel. I said “I’d much rather you just tell me, so it would make sense.” He told me that he did not see her as someone he could trust emotionally because she treated him so badly during and after their breakup. That she’s not someone that he takes very seriously at this point and he really didn’t feel that she had anything to do with what was happening with us. He said yes he felt strongly for her when they were together and he can’t really explain why, but that’s not how he sees her now. I still sorta wonder if he’s sweeping her off her feet now, but I’m inclined to kinda believe him that it’s not about her.

  286. Deandrea Barlow

    Oh by the way Thea, how can I send the introduction to you…I tried the email addy on the other pages and they were sent back to me…


  287. thea Post author

    I’ll email you my address it is thea then the at sign (@) then the domain – 🙂

    What did you try? 🙂

  288. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay in responding – I do have a sort of disclaimer saying I’ll get to it within 48 hours 🙂

    Sorry for the story unfortunately it’s one I really relate to. New budding romances that get snipped in their bud are super hard to fathom…because as you point out you’re left with all the questions about what went wrong, was it something you did / didn’t do etc.

    I have no doubt he has feelings for you and wasn’t PLAYING you. He’s not a bad guy he just sounds a bit all over the place really. And the problem with someone ping ponging from relationship to relationship on the rebound is that it wipes you out in the course of it all.

    I fully appreciate that “if only I could get him to see me again” – boy don’t we all want that. If only, if only, if only…I have those mental tapes sometimes too.

    But the fact is you shouldn’t need to coerce or convince someone – they ought to know your worth already you know?

    Don’t contact any of the exes you’re right – that would not go over well.

    Don’t contact him either if you can help it.

    While I don’t doubt he has feelings for you – on some level – he does sound like he needs to figure things out himself. And if a guy really likes us – they’ll make the effort to be WITH us you know?

    I wish I had just the right thing to make you feel better but I don’t know. It’s just going to be something you have to work through. It’s not a case of anything you did or didn’t do. Sometimes it just is what it is.

    It’s very common to date someone “too soon” – a lot of this site for a dozen years has been made of just this type of scenarios…I used to have some site members who’d say that any many out of a break up where kids are involved needs three years to get over it. Sounds like it’s been less than a year and he’s complicating it by rebound rebound rebound.

    So take a step back. Keep writing. Start eating properly. Exercise. Get sleep. Talk to your friends. Start to move on – even though you don’t want to!

    In any event the only thing I really do know is that THIS GUY IS NOT THE KEY TO YOUR HAPPINESS. You are. I say that as much to myself as I do you by the way. It’s an inside job. You’re still whole complete and perfect just as you are. I know you’re disappointed but better it does happen now before you invest years with this guy and find out he’s cheated or is not fully committed to you. You’re worth being fully committed to. So am I for that matter.

    So please hang in there doll – one moment at a time. x

  289. BJ

    And if a guy really likes us – they’ll make the effort to be WITH us you know?

    ^^^ This is part of why I couldn’t understand when he was breaking things off, he kept telling me how much he liked me and loved spending time with me. This is where I really think his fears and unresolved issues came into play. That it was easier and more familiar to him to walk away.
    Thank you for this blog and thank you for your response!!

  290. thea Post author

    I am so sorry. I totally know how you feel…It’s all so confusing.

    He sounds like he’d benefit from a serious “time out” women wise – but who knows if he will take it.

    I know it makes you weary of putting yourself out there again (or at least it does me) but we have to just trust in the healing process and that it will all come out good – either with this guy (in your case) or with someone even better!

    I wish I could stop the pain and over thinking about all of this for you (and hey, for me too) 😉

    I know from experience I freak out, over think, until I exhaust myself – it could be day or two or even three and then finally I just surrender and “let go” – too tired to continue the mind-fecking any longer over someone who’s chosen to walk away from me. But damn those early days are sure tough eh?

    You take care x

  291. BJ

    Well today is day 7 that I haven’t tried to contact him and 2 weeks since he stopped talking to me. I’m feeling a bit better, but spent most of last night crying and writing.

    Thea, I hope I am not stepping on any toes, and please let me know if I am, but I wanted to share some information.

    In my obsessive (I’ll admit it, lol) search for answers about what the hell happened, I came across information about attachment styles in adult relationships. It was very eye opening both about me, as well as my ex. I think it may be helpful information for your readers to have, not only to maybe put A PIECE of the puzzle with their relationships, but also to learn about themselves as part of the healing process. I know it was like looking at a reflection of myself with the attachment style that I identify with. Anyway, here is a link for anyone who is interested, or they can google relationship attachment styles.

    Also, I read a book called Attached that was very helpful and eye opening. It’s under 200 pages on my Nook and not too terribly heavy into the research side, though it does cover some of it.

  292. thea Post author

    I don’t tend to allow links on my site – particularly if I’ve not checked them out first but will check this link and see. I am not familiar with the book Attached but it does sound up-my-proverbial-street. Thanks for the recommendation.

  293. GF

    We were both 19 years old and had been together for 1 year. We had an amazing relationship in the beginning but he had depression and was getting very down on life at about the 7 month mark. He was lovely but every now and then he would decide that everything in his life was bad including our relationship. But he was deep down a nice guy. Our relationship had been so good in the beginning that I was determined to get back to that, I invested so much of my energy and emotions into getting him better.

    As the relationship started to fizzle I began to worry because I really wasn’t ready for it to end. I felt as though the depression was a black cloud hanging over our relationship and aside from that he was perfect. I felt as though, if he could get past the depression everything would have been worth it and I was willing to wait and help him. He would say things like “I’m not worried about us, I know we will work it out”. But in the end, after saying hopeful things similar to these, all it took was a niggly argument for him to want to break up.

    He had a big emotional break down, he wanted to break up, he said hurtful things. But because he was unstable, regardless of what he’d just said, he needed me and so I drove him out to his parents house so that they could calm him down.

    In the morning he was extremely apologetic, he said he didn’t mean any of it and it was only because of his mental state that he had said those things. His words were “I don’t know how else to prove it to you, but overtime you will see that I still love you and want to be with you.” Reluctantly I gave him another shot.

    Two days later he came round to my flat late at night. I knew things hadn’t been great lately and had the mentality that I was going to try be really fun and upbeat to lighten the mood. And then next thing I knew, we were lying there in bed after having sex and he’s telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. The week before my uni exams (which I was already worried about) and just after we had planned and paid for a romantic getaway to celebrate our one year after my exams were finished.

    I was/am devastated. I made the mistake of contacting him, in the hope that he had changed his mind. It only made me feel worse as I just found out that he is now back in contact with a girl he had slept with before we were together, arranging to meet with her. He also said that he knows its the right decision because he’s happier now without me than he was with me.

    When I heard those words it really got to me because I had just spent the last year trying to help my dream guy out of depression, in the hope that when he was better everything would be better and we would be very happy together. And now I feel like I must have been such a terrible girlfriend that I was causing him to be depressed.

    I feel as though he used me when he needed me and now he has thrown me out like I didn’t mean anything to him. But part of me wonders if this has all just occurred because he has hit a low patch and when he is better he will be the amazing guy that he was to begin with. I know that I really just need to let him go and move on but it’s so hard to do.

  294. mayra

    I don’t know if this is where you post but i will try. Its been three months since i got dumped by my ex fiancé. I feel like crying every chance i get and just when i think i am getting over it it returns I got dumped at our apartment when he said he just wasn’t feeling our relationship anymore. I met him on a dating site called POF . He is an air force military guy and i was a teacher.

    I was the one who drove 45 min to see him for a “date” which he took his friends by the way and our date was at a bar. But i didn’t care he was a great catch i saw him and thought that it was it i met the one i smiled when i saw him and was smitten by him. He was amazing. we ended up making it official one week later.

    We couldn’t get our hands off each other. He didn’t mind that i had a son so that was a plus. A week after we made it official he left for a tail swap to afghanistan. I missed him so much and it was then he told me he loved me over Skype and the phone. I don’t know if it was real he was always drinking.

    When he came back i went to see him and we were so obsessed over each other it was so amazing. I couldn’t get enough of him and he couldn’t get enough of me. We are both divorced so we had insecurities. I wasn’t very nice at the beginning i had trust issues i would close up and sometimes cold. But upon our first break up i fought hard for him. He came back and asked me to marry him. I was so excited i couldn’t believe it.

    we were together for two months before he had to go on a deployment. I cried so much because i didn’t want him to go but we made it through. it was difficult because i wanted so much attention but never once did i cheat on him never once did i go out. WHen he came back he came back so cold. He treated me different telling me that he wondered how it would be if he was single. Well three days later he broke up with me.

    After all that waiting he broke up with me. We lasted a month and a half before he came back and asked me to forgive him . I was so happy. He started being cold again he just wasn’t as invested as i was but he wanted me to move in with him . me and my son did and i lost so many people by that decision. One month later he started treating me different. He was not being nice to my son, he was drinking a lot more , and felt he wanted to avoid me by sleeping the whole entire time.

    I went on vacation for a week and when i came back he told me he wasn’t feeling the same anymore. He said he wasn’t feeling the same for me but said it would pass like before. That was said when we were texting at night because he was at work.

    When he came home he was acting like he wanted to be with us until he fell asleep and he woke up and started avoiding me. I went in the room and asked him what was going on with us and he said that he felt that he didn feel the same anymore. That he was better off alone. I kept asking him if it was me or if he loved me and he kept saying he loved me but he was nt sure he made the right choice in coming back to me. He kept putting things on bags for me so i got the hint , he wanted me to move out. He wanted to hug me he wanted to hold me but i couldn’t let it happen.

    He kept going in the bathroom he started to clean and i was gathering up my things alone. I took them outside and collapse telling myself what i was gonna do now. I had lost my job to be with him , my family and everyone. Now i had nothing. He didn’t seem to care he went on his business i sobbed so hard i was so confused. i just left and said nothing. I cried so hard for days two weeks later i asked him why? and he said that it was best that i was an amazing person but it was the best decision . He said that it wasn’t easy for him but it was best. I cried even harder .

    How could he have done this to me. I felt useless i felt used and hurt and killed. I felt that i wanted to die. I have always wanted a family and he gave me a dream and popped it. its been three months since i have seen him or talked to him. He probably moved on to someone else because if he wanted something with me he would have looked for me. I think it was the fact that i wanted his time and he wanted more of his friends.

    I blame myself for this i don’t know why but i do. Everyday i cry still asking the same questions i try to make sense of things i try to tell myself hat someday i will meet someone but i don’t want to meet someone else. I loved him i still do no matter what he did and i miss him but i don’t want to anymore. i don’t know what to do i don’t know how and when to move on from this. He and my son where my world and now i don’t have him.i needed or need someone to help me or talk to me ……

  295. BJ

    I took a vacation to the beach and was totally disconnected for the weekend and it was well needed. Right before I left he sent me a facebook message basically saying that he doesn’t want to keep talking “in circles” about why we didn’t work out, but would like to try to be friends if I was willing. I wrote back that I needed a more concrete answer than “it just felt right” to walk away and didn’t feel I was asking too much. He didn’t respond. So apparently this is all on his terms, or so he thinks.
    Last night after getting home from vacation I sat down and wrote a really long message to him. I told him that he broke my heart and I was in no position to be his friend at this point. That I felt there were a lot of decisions made, that while they directly effected me, I wasn’t considered or given a voice. I told him that he has a wall up and that he needs to address his unwillingness to communicate with people. I let him know that he should probably re-evaluate if he’s really ready for a long term relationship bc I’m not sure he has fully grieved losing the serious relationship, the one with the child involved. Or at the least what that relationship was supposed to be (marriage and family).
    Basically I just let him know the full impact of what he’d done on me and that maybe he isn’t so “self aware” after all. I did it very nicely and maturely. I know he saw it (thanks facebook for the “seen at 11:43” lol) but he didn’t respond, which I didn’t expect him to. It felt good to be totally honest with him about how badly he hurt me and to take him off the pedastool I’d placed him on. It doesn’t matter to me, at least not right now, if he’s mad about anything I said. He needed to hear it and I needed to say it.

    Thea, I thought maybe I could lend some support to the most recent posters.
    To GF- do you know if he has struggled with depression before your relationship, or was there a life event (death, tragedy, illness) that sparked the depression? For you to feel responsible for that is not accurate or helpful. Hurt people hurt people. As well put together and happy and charismatic as my ex is, I could see edges of darkness from time to time and we were only together for 6 weeks. He has some personal issues and some unresolved pain from a past relationship that he tried to ignore. But guess what, both of those things reared their head and that hurt person, hurt me. Badly, even after such a short relationship.
    Of course your ex seems great talking to the old girl again. She’s “new” and exciting again. But if he is truly depressed then it WILL rear it’s head again when the endorphins of this new relationship wear off. For him to have such a breakdown that he needed his parents assistance, I’m betting that has very little to do with you. No matter how bad he tries to say otherwise.

    To Mayra- I am so sorry you are having such a hard time! I have been there before when my exhusband suddenly walked out on me. Please follow the advice that Thea gives about no contact, it truly does make everything worse.
    I had to force myself to go no contact with my ex and it was so hard. Then after 2 weeks he sent me that bullcrap above about being friends. I was finally in a place (and he ticked me off enough) that I could say my whole piece to him and be ok with getting no response. 2 weeks ago I would’ve been sick if I had said all that to him and gotten no response.
    As long as you still have any sort of expectation, then no contact is best. If you can text him and cry or cuss at him or say whatever and be ok if he gets made, be okay if he says nothing, be ok if he thinks you’re crazy- then fine. But until you’re at that place then just say no. So often when a person acts the way that you’ve described, it has very little to do with us and A LOT to do with them.
    I hope that you are able to sit back and see that this relationship had enormous challenges from the get-go with the deployment so early in the relationship. Men who go to war often don’t come back the same person and you guys didn’t have a solid foundation to try and see through that change. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s bad timing by life. I know the “why” questions are horrible, I have been consumed by them bc I was given very little real explanation about how I went from being adored to dumped in a matter of a week. I write, I talk to friends and I cry if I need to. But I am finally getting to the place, especially after telling him about himself last night, where I don’t need to cry. Please know that this will pass and please don’t beat yourself up!

  296. GF

    Hi BJ,

    Thanks so much for the advice. He had had depression for a few months before I met him. It was triggered by an injury which basically crushed his dream of being a professional sports player. And there are still set backs that occur related to sport and his injury. He is at uni and hates it, and cant find anything else that he wants to do with his life besides sport but his passion of being a professional sports player is such an unlikely dream due to his stress fractures in his back and he struggles to accept this and move on from sport and find something else he might enjoy as a career. He was also incredibly successful in high school, but now that we are out in the real world where there aren’t the same ‘leadership’ roles and hierarchy, goals to set out for you to achieve, that sort of thing, I think he’s feeling rather unsuccessful.

    He said that when he gets upset everything in his life seems crap and our relationship would fall in that category of things he wanted to give up on.

    As for the new girl, well there’s an even newer one again, only days after the break up, that I heard he’s been sleeping with. This news was quite painful to hear at first but now I cant help but feel he’s so far from what I thought he was that I don’t want him back at all. And the worst news I could get (relatively speaking) has happened, with him sleeping with someone else, so I don’t think there’s much else for me to get upset about now.

    I know it’s really selfish saying this, but regardless of his mental state, I don’t need to be treated that way and just want space from him. I cant be the one to help him anymore, I need to put myself first and keep away, or else he will just end up hurting me. His dad is a doctor so will hopefully be able to help him. Im still really just a kid myself, and its hard for me to put my hurt feelings aside for the greater good of helping him get better. Im still very angry with how he’s dealt with the break up. I haven’t even finished my exams yet and he’s having sex with other girls in a manner that allows me to hear about it. I don’t think he’s really cared how this all effects me very much at all. So its hard for me to ‘be the bigger person’ and be a good friend and make sure he’s ok.

    Where you say ‘hurt people hurt people’ I couldn’t agree more. Is it really bad for me to feel like the lesson learnt from all of this is to go for someone stable next time? I know how horrible that sounds.

  297. BJ

    He lost his identity, two-fold, one as the popular successful high school student and the other as an athlete. This has to be his journey of redefining himself and aside from being supportive of him, there’s not much anyone else can do. He’s going to have to CHOOSE to get busy with living the life that he has in front of him, and greive the life he planned for himself.
    I understand feeling badly that you don’t feel you can help him, but you’re in no position to be that for him. He hurt you, badly and at least for a long while, that would cloud any attempts to be simply a support for him. So I don’t think it’s selfish for you to decide you can’t play that role. I think it’s smart and it’s taking care of yourself.

  298. BJ

    Oh and as far as the lesson of wanting someone more stable- HELL NO that doesn’t sound bad!!!! My exhusband was so unstable (mental health, addiction, unresolved childhood trauma) and that is seriously the first thing I say when someone asks me “what are you looking for in a man?” My automatic response is “stability, in every sense of the word.”
    Once you’ve been on the rollercoaster with someone who is unstable, most of us don’t ever want to get back on that ride. Not to say that we won’t find ourselves with another person who is instable is we’re not careful.

  299. thea Post author

    Hey May sorry I’ve not got the time to reply properly and that it has been as long as it has. I hope you’re hanging in there and I am so sorry for this pain you’re going through. All I can say is that it does get better and you deserve to be loved. The tears will ease up in time. The hole you feel in your life starts to fill up again. You’re going to get through this. Keep faith.

    Watch the 12 stages video over and over until you can see that light at the end of the tunnel.

    Hang in there (it’s late and I can’t really even see I am so tired but I really wanted to reach out to you…)

    Night. Hang in there x

  300. Omar

    I just got ambiguously dumped by a woman I’ve been in love with for 7 years. We fell head over heals but due to circumstances and that we live in different towns never moved in together. A year ago I started a new and extremely demanding job. It completely distracted me and I neglected the relationship leaving her hurt and confused. I own that and deeply regret it.

    We had fight after fight for months and then I said I wanted out. We’d done this many times before and I assumed we would do as always and work it out. The very next day she met and started dating a new guy. I was shocked. I’d thought at least ther would be an appropriate waiting period. Time to heal. A long war of angry texting began. I said things I’m not proud of. She said things designed to hurt me and then she sent pictures of him shirtless…She went nuclear.

    Realizing I was no match for this I sued for peace asking for compassion as we went through this process. Peace and terms of disengagement were agreed to. A week later texts flew informing me she was out with him in my town. I asked her to please not inform me of her dating schedule and she agreed. Two days later on my way home she texted me that it would be best if I didn’t go out because she was out with the new guy.

    Again in my small town where hundreds of people know us as a couple. Now I’m starting to lose it. It seemed I couldn’t get free of unwanted information. After the darkest three days of my life up to that date, I met her and using all my best communication skills let her know that I was being destroyed by her behavior and I could not take another blow to my heart and ego. She agreed to never again inform me of when and where she was out. She kissed me and said it was never over between us. I knew this was folly but in my shattered state grasped on to it out of desperation.

    Two days later I pulled off the highway into the parking lot of a restaurant we used to go to. I just wanted to collect myself and cry for a moment before my next delivery. Then I get a text saying I should not come in because she is there. I hadn’t planned to go in but of course now I have to. They were at the bar and she looked me straight in the eye turned her back on me and walked away with another man to take their table. I’m a big guy and know my way around a physical altercation. It took everything in me not to kill that man.

    Instead I called in sick went home and took it out on myself in the form of tequila. It’s seven days later now and I’m still taking it out on myself. Can’t eat can’t sleep. Chest pains, shaking, crying, suicidal thoughts, barely getting by at work,self medicating.

    I am having an emotional break down. I’ve scheduled a session with a psychologist but it’s not for another three days. She sent me the pictures the first week of October. I saw them in the restaurant the last week of October. Every week in between she made sure to upset me. It’s been a full month of emotionally traumatic events. The wonderful beautiful kind loving person I knew has been replaced by a psychopath.

    Today I told her I wanted no contact and she said its not what I think, she’s not in a relationship with him, she’s just trying to figure out her life and that it’s never to late for us.

    Umm is it just me or does this sound crazy to you? I’ve got to get away from this person. I just don’t know that I can.

  301. AF

    … such a mess .. going through a double breakup here . Severn years ago i lived in spain with my two daughters and partner . during that year i travelled back to my home country england to earn some money for a few months and then return to spain , whilst in england i met a woman ( NB ) who would become a huge part of my life , we spent a brief period of time together , and knew we had something powerful between us , NB and i became close very quickly though not in a sexual nature at the time , we knew it was wrong but the feelings couldnt be ignored . I returned to spain , NB i and i remained in contact via email untill she ended the contact and rightfully so , under the currcumstances we could never be to together . She remained in my heart and i continued life with my partner in spain . The relationship with my partner in spain was not easy at times but we battled along at the time . I returned to england again to work for a while and it wasnt long before i found my self getting in touch with NB , she was still very much embedded in me , she was happy to meet and we spent one wonderful evening at a country pub catching up , it was obvious the fire still burned between us and it felt like coming home when i was with her , we agreed to say hi once in a while via email on my return to spain and yet again soon after my return to spain we broke off the contact , it hurt to much not being able to easily be together with out me realisticaly having to leave my partner and daughters behind first . The relationship with my partner in spain was always a struggle at times and we hit a low , and guess what , during that low NB sent me an email out of the blue , i was obviously happy to hear from her but didnt let on about the problems with my partner , and then it happened , four weeks after NB got in touch my partner told me she wanted a separation , i agreed and decided to return to england , a tough choice leaving my girls behind and one im not over . Next thing i knew was back in england with NB waiting to pick me up at the airport , my first two weeks back in england were spent with NB , we thought our moment had come , it was as if my separation from my partner and my daughters hadnt happened , NB and i were blinded by the chance to at last be together , it was all too quick and the enormity of it all becoming real and the various issues raised that we hadnt even previously given any real thought to put an end to the dream . we said our good byes . So .. that was two and a half years ago and the first double breakup i had to deal with …….. my separation from my partner in spain and then soon after my sad goodbye to NB . I was mortified that my dream of finaly being with NB was over …

    Six months later typicaly i met someone else ( LL) and i thought all was well again . LL shared and similar tale , she had lived in australia and separated and returned to england with her children , suddenly LL and i were intensely together , very intensley , the world seemed a better place to me and i let my self fall for LL , little did i know what i was about to go through , the most un healthy relationship ive ever been in , but i didnt see it whilst in it , we did so much , we went places , our love making was stunning , i got to know her children , she came to spain to meet my daughters , it was all wonderful … and then the problems began , LL began to show her issues . LL and i loved each other but the reality was that she was still recovering from her separation , she was in a recovery group each week when i met her . .Before too long her issues began spilling into our relationship , it wasnt long before heated conversations began based on her insecurities , some of which i understood and some that were beyond me but all along i hung in , even when she began ignoring me and slamming front doors on me , i was always the one to try and reconcile and we always managed to work things through , and it seemed i was always the one to find my self with more egg shells to hover above , but hey .. we loved each other .. and that made life good for me . LL and i soon began thinking about living together , thats when things began to go down hill , we looked at places , i discovered the word mortgage and the money issues began , LL became quite obsessive about the whole thing , i get that she wanted a roof for her children but … well it all got very complicated … commitment issues came up and many other things , before i knew it we had a huge chat and i had the front door slammed on my face , at that point i told her i wanted a break , during that break she took on a rented property for herself and children and i promptly left the shared house i was in and took my own flat , a sudden about turn which led to more complicated conversation when i ended the break because basically i missed her and we told each other that we loved each other but at that point the damage had already been put in place even though we had attempted to patch things up and accepted the out come that we still lived apart … not long after that LL chose to end the relationship , and i was gutted , another separation … and all the awful thoughts that go along with it , i was mortifide to think id lost LL , and it wasnt long before i found out that she was regretting her choice … and so we got back together again after much talk and the world seemed complete to me again ….. and then the unthinkable happened .. a week after LL and i had come together again , my job took me to a town just down the coast … i chose during a break to sit out side in the sun with a coffee when i found my self looking at the back of a woman using the cash machine on the other side of the road , i could and i couldnt believe it … it was NB !! . I found my self calling her name and she turned and saw me , my god , she came over and we had a surreal brief chat , she was busy and we said our good byes , we exchanged numbers .. i was left stunned at how our paths had crossed and a whole bag of feelings rose in me . the days after were filled with the thoughts that i had bumped into NB one week after getting back with LL . NB and i chose to meet up again .. just for coffee .. but that turned into dinner at hers and then for the first time we made love .. we knew it was wrong but after seven years it just seemed natural . The day after that LL and i had another issue related heated conversation , she knew nothing of my night with NB and to be honest i felt no regret for the simple fact that it was NB , that heated conversation resulted in LL pushing me out of her house and ending it all . And so ….. NB and i found a new chance … and we took it it .. with no regard to the fact that she was about to leave to take on a job 500 miles away .. we spent an intense few days together and it seemed we had our time at last . Unbelievable as it seems NB and i were seen in another town by a friend of LL so no doubt that news travelled fast and i feel awful about that . soon the reality for NB and i set in again and the universe and all its turning cogs put us apart .. she took her job all those miles away .. we tried to figure a way of making it work … she then told me she wasnt certain about having a partner with children and that put a damper on everything , we knew a long distance relationship wouldnt work .. it all became very unfeasable to the point where once again NB said goodbye ….. so here i am .. another double separation . i miss LL terribly , it was an awful ending , I miss NB , seven years of always hoping she was the one and now i realsie im not over leaving my kids in spain or even that separation from my spanish partner … so here i am on antidepressants and going to a counciler ………………….. its all caught up with me … im on my own again , first time for along time , and about to go through all this and learn from it .. am i co dependant .. do i rely on relationships for my happiness … guess its time to be single for a long time now …… and learn …. out of all this leaving LL has it seems been the hardest , i thought we had something , weve hurt each other alot but it seems there is no hope for us . I so much wish at times now that id never met NB , ive stopped blaming my self for LL and i .. we both contributed to the end , her by physicaly pushing me from her home at the end , i thought id forgiven her but it still bites , and me adding more damage by being seen with NB not long after , some thing i doubt LL has forgiven me for . Typically i see LL around town alot now .. we ignore each other , thats so hard after two years . So …. all this has raised my issues that i must work through , i begin counciling on monday …………….. its time to be single for a while .. a hard thing … lots to deal with .. still reeling over LL but im certain its over .. too much hurt and damage on both sides …. such a long period of breakups .. such a long period of depending on relationships and hoping for the one . all typed in a rush .. excuse the spelling

  302. AF

    hi .. its been a couple of days since i wrote ..

    Im feeling awful and very guilty about the part i played in this and how i’ve hurt LL, NB just seems to have gone from my mind , im trying to see that LL and I both contributed to our end, sorry this is a complicated one .

    it’s a gorgous sunny day and LL and i should be on our bike riding through the woods but we are not. i took a stroll on the beach yesterday and had a good chat with myself about letting go, but then during the afternoon LL drove past me and as usual we ignored each other, just awful.

    its five weeks now since this mess began. NB saying goodbye has not worried me, its LL that hurts, LL dosent know the depth of my involvement with NB but i know that her knowing i spent some time with her after she left me has caused great damage, LL physicaly removing me from her home on the day of our separation still bites me,

    a push is as good as a punch. LL and i have put things on each other that we would never have dreamt of doing … too much hurt and damage. im seeing a counselor tomorrow. i think LL and i have really messed up here, i think i need to put NB out of the equation ..for a moment. cant believe LL and i just pass each other by like strangers now .. terrible …. …… sorry … muddled rambling from a muddled man .

  303. Jess

    I don’t wanna do this anymore. I just want him to have never existed. Finally deleted all his texts after 2 and a half months and now regret it.

  304. thea Post author

    I am so sorry you’re going through this, hon. It’s not good. But neither is the self medicating. It’s not helping you to not eat, sleep and to consume the drink. I know what it’s like to be at Rock Bottom of course and it’s dire. It really is. But thankfully once you’re there, the silver lining is that the only way is UP 🙂

    I wish you could see a doctor sooner or to talk to someone about what you’re feeling. If you want to keep updating this thread or maybe I can find you a “break up buddy” to sort of be at the other end of an email so you can vent more privately.

    I am sure she’s a wonderful person or you’d not have been interested in her for seven years but her behavior and words tell me something very different about her you know? It’s really not so good. She obviously cares for you or she’d not be contacting you like this – and if she really was genuinely happy with him (or anyone) you’d not hear from her. Again if any of this was genuine.

    So please hang in there. Eat soup and try to rest ok? Even power-naps if needs be. But lack of food/sleep can make things in life seem a whole lot darker.

    Take a walk into the country side. Bring some tunes. Cry when you need to but step away from the Tequila. Also buy a notebook and VENT all your feelings in it. The good the bad the ugly. Get it out of your HEAD and onto the sheet (or screen).

    The less you have contact until you heal from this,t he better. Truly.

    Thinking of you x

  305. Omar

    Doing much better last two days. Drinking less. Ive always been an extremely private person and never show emotional pain much less talk about it. But I’ve been telling this story to everyone I know and it’s helping big time. From others feed back I now know that I am not the crazy one in this equation. Her behavior has been so outrageous that it’s almost comical. I actually had a chuckle about it this morning! The change in me from just a few days ago is huge. I know it’s early and I’ve a long way to go but could it be that the repeated trauma shortened a part of the process that would have taken much longer? Namely getting to the point of seeing her as someone I really don’t want to be involved with. I’m no longer jealous or desperate for her to take me back. I feel like I dodged a bullet. I’m starting to see her as just a rather bizarre abnormal source of drama in my life. I don’t want to be around someone who is capable of such intentionally hurtfull behavior,disrespect and disregard for my heart. I’ve told I wished her well in finding happiness,even recommended your site to her and told her I need no contact. She got angry and said I was writing her off. I didn’t respond. Then she texted me in the middle of the night saying she was at the hospital with her elderly mother who had fallen. Probably just a ruse but I responded to inquire if she was ok. She started up about me abandoning her and how I’m running away from her and just listening to shrinks and break up websites. I didn’t take the bait. Just wished her and her mother well. Now I’m bracing for her to try to get back in my life. She will try to get me to feel bad for her and come to the rescue or she will try to put herself and the new guy in my path. Actually she will do both,I’m sure of it. I need to be ready.

  306. CSM

    I was in a relationship for 7 years with my girlfriend. I often used to feel smug when other people talked about problems in their relationship, because I thought mine was so good. We argued once in awhile, but we did it fairly and respectfully. We always had a great time together, great chemistry, similar values, plenty of shared interests but not enough to be boring.

    She dumped me out of the blue two weeks ago. She said I’m “wonderful” and basically the “perfect person”, and she does love me, but just not enough. She says that something has always been missing and she doesn’t know what, and she wishes she could love me the way I love her, but she just can’t.

    I wish she hadn’t waited 7 years to tell me that. I’m completely shocked, she used to say such lovely things to me about how happy she is with me and how much she loves me, etc etc. I had so much confidence in our relationship. I thought it was so healthy and good and special.

    I’m not eating. I can’t sleep. I feel sick a lot. The tears are always very close to the surface. I lose my breath. My heart beats like baby bird. I got caught crying at work. I cry on the train.

    I did take your advice and remove her from my facebook, and from gchat, and I deleted her number from my phone. It does help to not constantly be monitoring my buddy list and wondering whether she will get on, then wondering whether she will say hello and be disappointed when she doesn’t. But it also feels so horribly sad that someone who was so important to my life is just now out of it. She was also my best friend, but maybe I never knew her at all. I don’t know what is real anymore.

    I worry that I will never be able to trust anyone again. Reading this site is comforting in a way because I see that I’m not the only person to feel this way and other people experience the same things I do. But it also feels scary because it is so common for people to treat each other so poorly, and to be so reckless with other people’s feelings.

    I am trying to have faith that I will feel better eventually. But it sure is hard to believe sometimes.

  307. J

    Dated a guy from out of town who I thought was GREAT, but turns out he was just wanting some consistent booty while he was in town. We were dating for 2 months, and then for a few weeks after he went back to his home we stayed in touch even though he lived in a different place. I even saw him there as I was traveling to that city for work. I told him after the first time we slept together “I cannot do this without getting attached. If you aren’t getting attached let’s just be friends” He said okay, lets be friends… then continued to be romantic towards me. So. Duh. Got attached. I would get horrible mixed signals, from “Nothing has changed” to “I’d love to meet your family.” Last night I finally got the courage to ask if this is going anywhere. After a lot of bullshit, from I’ve been hurt so much before to I’m worried about our age difference (he is 15 years older) it finally got down to “No. I feel like we connect on a lot of levels, but not ones that I would look for in a girlfriend.” What levels you ask? He never said…. thanks asshole. Glad you told me that after you got laid. I’m too good to be a piece of ass (everyone is). Angry and hurt. People don’t deserve to be treated like this. I don’t care if you don’t like me, because I like me just fine and you can’t make someone have feelings for you, but please don’t USE me because you are lonely.

    I’m upset because I TOLD him from the BEGINNING that I would get attached in a physical relationship, and that I would get hurt and to please not do that to me. And yet he pursued it anyway. And I let him…. I guess that’s shame on me too 🙁

    I’m starting to lose faith in love. That frightens me.

  308. Zee

    I met her online. The chemistry was instantaneous – it literally knocked out the power on my home! We met, we fell in love. We were compatible in almost every way: physically, intellectually, emotionally. Soul mates. Of course we had our difficulties and issues but last August, we celebrated our 5th anniversary. The following day she left to start her PhD in another country. Not before promising me that she was absolutely committed to me and us and one day we would stop saying ‘goodbye’ and live our life together.
    She struggled at her new school but eventually began to make some friends. Of course we missed each other as always when we were apart, called several times a day, instant messaging etc.
    In December, I flew over to spend Christmas and New Year with her. Everything seemed OK initially, perhaps she was a little distracted, but she still had a couple of papers to finish for school. Then on Dec 26th, I took her laptop to check my email. She’d left her email account open and I saw that the inbox contained numerous messages from a female colleague of hers that she’d told me about. I knew that this woman was a lesbian and perhaps a part of me was a little suspicious about them having spent quite a bit of time together of late. I was curious how she wrote. I clicked on the latest email from Ms X… And sitting there on my partner’s bed, I suddenly felt the nuts and bolts holding my heart together popping, one by one, as my chest almost ripped open. Ms X couldn’t wait for the day that I was supposed to leave, so that they could finally do the things they’d been longing to do for weeks…
    Everything that happened next replays in slow motion in my head: I broke some glassware, I shook her a bit, I wailed like a banshee, I reeled… I re-booked my flight and flew home 10 days ahead of schedule, a broken, battered and bedraggled shadow of my former self.
    Five years together. Gone in an instant. To quote or misquote a wise writer: Is love so valueless that it can be given away so cheaply?

  309. thea Post author

    Don’t lose faith in love J. That’s not love that was just some fun. I see how you got attached. I know I do that too – it’s harder for women not to I think (personally speaking)…

    But let me just throw things on their head a bit…because if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change…

    Instead of feeling “used” I ask you – did you have fun? Did you enjoy the romance? Did you enjoy the sex? Did you consent to it? Then you weren’t used.


    I find this whole concept of being used far too painful and I decided years ago to throw it out the window…

    yes of course it’s disappointing when we attach to someone and they don’t feel the same – or for whatever reason can’t be with us…I get that. And you’ve ever right to feel sad about that. It is sad…

    But a lot of how you tell the “story” of this whole thing can help or hinder your recovery. You know?

    Be grateful you had some fun, some romance, some sex. Yes you’ll miss it, but you’re not DEPLETED in any way becuase you enjoyed it too. Disappointed yes but depleted no. You’re not really, deep down, any better or worse off than you were before all of this…And you don’t know what you’re going to LEARN as a result of this experience.

    Maybe he was just a teacher so you can learn some stuff and do better when the actual right guy comes along.

    The trouble with pain like this is that we have tunnel vision. We navel gaze. We over analyse. We blame. We create stories. We don’t stop to look at the bigger picture and how we learn and grow the most after healing from heartbreak and disappointment. In my opinion and experience anyway.

    Losing faith in love is a temporary thing and as you heal you’ll get it back and you will love again if you choose to.

    I like to say “do you want to get bitter or better?” the choice is yours.

    So back to your “story” about this – why not sit and list all the things you’re grateful about this guy.

    “I am grateful that I had some lovely romantic meals with Bob” (or whoever…)
    “I am grateful for the tenderness I experienced with Bob”
    “I am grateful that Bob is teaching me so much more of what I do and do not want in a relationship.”
    “I am grateful that Bob has left so I can find a guy who is closer to my own age, who shares my level of feelings and commitment and who has more staying power”.
    “I am grateful I got to feel those sorts of feelings again”

    I took a long time to feel anything for anyone. Far too long to tell you and it might depress you if I did. I’ve been sorting baggage out for years I think…thanks to SYBD…but though I struggle to believe in relationships – I want to get better not bitter. I have to believe that love is out there and that I am worthy of it.

    Though I am not “in love” as such…I am starting to feel those sorts of feelings again and it’s great. Scary but great. I welcome the opportunity to love again. In time it is my hope you will too!

    Hugs – let me know how you are. xx

  310. Kev

    My breakup took place slowly and painfully over the course of the entire time me and my ex were together. She had multiple lives going on in the process. The part that hurts the most…is her basically dumping me, destroying the friendship we even had…and moving entirely forward so easily. She may claim it to be hard…but she has multiple lives to go back to. I only had the one.

    The levels and amount of disrespect that she gave me were high. I spent alot of time speaking to friends throughout…who all wanted me to be the one to leave. I stayed due to loyalty. I paid the ultimate price…and now I stand looking like the ultimate fool.

  311. thea Post author

    Sorry but who cares how you look? We all are fools in love at one time or another.

    Sounds like this is a total blessing in disguise here. Who wants to be with someone with multiple lives? Sounds tiring to me.

    I don’t tend to use words and phrases like “disrespect” or “feel used” or these types of things. I am in control of what I choose to do. If you did good, honorable or kind things out of love – with a positive intention – then great. You got something out of GIVING.

    I for one can be accused of being “too giving” sometimes. I know I can. But I now take responsibility for my actions. If am intimate with a guy, I have a good time, we have some nice dates, some nice sex or whatever and then he bails, it sucks, it’s painful but I don’t play the “used” card. Because I got some good stuff out of it too! In some ways we get more by GIVING anyway.

    So why not re-shape how you’re phrasing this whole experience and write down a bunch of POSITIVE things that have happened as a result of the relationship and the split.

    Top of the list should be “I found out what it is I do NOT want in a relationship” 🙂

    Hang in there. All will be fine in due course. You’re still whole complete and perfect just as you are…xx

  312. Daniel

    my girlfriend recently broke up with me… she has been my longest relationship and we came through some very testing and difficult times… she was always there for me and i was always there for her… we had plans to get married next year and soon after have kids. in the beginning of the year she got a job offer at a game reserve and she had to move there its one of the live in type jobs. she is only a hour away from where i stay so not that far. anyways the first month was great her boss met me and he wanted me to come work there as soon as there is a job available etc… then in the beginning of this month she just changed all of a sudden and she became confusing.. she first told me she wants a break and be friends then she came back and said she realised she still wants me then the next day she left me we had no contact for 2 days and then she wanted me again…. we are now over but i do realise i it is better but somehow i do still love her… what do i do because i am confused??? can u help??? we had plans and we were both excited for it and now its just means nothing!!! my life revolved around her i would work any job and be happy no matter how bad the job is because i knew i was coming back to her and she was there! everything i have did and been doing was for her my future plans had her in it i wasn’t just living for me i was living for her she was my purpose and my goals!!! so i am not sure where to go or how to i am feeling better than what i have been thanks to the Lord but it is still hard and not yet sure where i stand in life if i am standing at all!!! thank -you for any advice/insight u got for me!!!

  313. Maggie

    This might not be the right place to post this… but I wanted to share.

    After getting dumped, over the phone, after an intense six month relationship I thought I could count my way through the next three months, until I felt like me again. As the saying goes, it takes half the time of your relationship to get over it! I was looking forward to being the me I was before I ever met my ex. Well, nearly four months down the line and I’m not the same person I was before I met him.

    Someone liked being dumped to being homesick. For a home that no longer exists. I really identified with that comment, amongst the ten million bits of advice given, whether welcomed or not!

    The truth is a relationship does change you and it stays with you, the way any meaningful friendship in your life does. Also, rejection is very hard to come to terms with for anyone and I don’t think that rule of thumb works great as a model in hind sight. Sometimes though, in the early days, you need to believe that the anguish will all be totally over one day, and there will be an exact date where all will be well. I’m sure it will, but for some reason putting a time frame on it, for me, made it seem more digestible. I’d just like to let my fellow dumpee’s know it’s not the release you may expect so when you reach a better patch, you know how to identify that you’re doing better, so you can relax!

    The reason healing is hard to identify is because the process is so gradual. One day soon, all of a sudden you look back and you feel like you’ve been a little or even a lot better for some time. It’s hard to put the stamp on of “I’m over it” because life is full of ups and downs and rejection can be a slow healing wound. I think most people, like myself, will be kind of over it most days, but will still have the odd lull. I’m sure this isn’t forever, and generally your up days get upper and your down days become increasingly bearable.

    Looking back and marking your process, learning and healing helps you have faith one day it won’t matter to you at all anymore. In the meantime know, your ex gradually climbs down off the pedestal and your self-esteem rises.

    Time is the great healer. It’s processing, getting use to a new way of life, a new way of thinking, and using this time to readdress and summon the courage to go get what you really want from a relationship, and in some cases, the other areas of your life. It also takes patience. A skill I am begrudgingly learning!

    So why do chat now?
    After having a break through weekend where I’ve recognised a lot of my thinking has changed; where I have finally started to truly feel that I will meet someone else who’s a better fit, it wasn’t what I thought it was, and no longer giving myself a hard time for my part of the demise of our relationship, I thought I’d blog. Not to say I’m 100%, but to say, looking back, life has gotten so much easier and more enjoyable. So I thought I’d mark my journey.

    When I first got dumped I did have that awful two week period where I couldn’t eat, sleep or function which subsided to some degree over the following month. But the first two weeks were intense and in most ways, a total right off. You find systems that make you feel better and more in control which help a little, but there really wasn’t anything that stopped the pain for any sort of considered time frame. For me I did some healthy stuff and some not so healthy. I started jogging, managing my diet, nurturing some relationships in my life, driving my career, working overtime. Mainly working toward long term goals so a more over it I, would benefit!

    The bad part of that time was that I could barely sleep so was always doing all this when not well rested, which may not have been wise. I also started going to see psychics; which was the nutty part of my post relationship self. This became obsessive and over the net. I got addicted to the feeling of momentarily feeling better, and some all-knowing person telling me everything was going to be okay. Also, the one I went to see in the flesh had got my friends reading so accurate, that I took her word as gospel. Believing my ex would run to me with regret and sorrow.

    Well, it didn’t happen. Now there is no illusion that it will.

    I would advise anyone going through a break up to only seek a psychic if you truly believed in them before you’d been dumped, go and see one with a good reputation, once, and try to take what they say with a pinch of salt. Distance yourself from the reading. To be honest, maybe avoid them all together! My experience and reaction was extreme I admit, but feeling better for the couple of hours you do post reading, is excellent.

    The last time I went to see a psychic was on Valentine’s Day who still told me the same thing that I would rekindle with my ex. Well I’ve chosen not too. That control that I now have, now time has distanced me from some of the feelings of the break up, feels great. That’s the empowerment you should be striving for.

    I also did a five session stint of counselling after the first six weeks.
    Some of my behaviour when in the relationship I recognise now was not quite rational. I wasn’t a bunny boiler or anything like that, but there were some things I wanted to readdress and look into. Counselling can help you understand your behaviour better, help you forgive yourself for your mistakes and furthermore help you gain some closure on it.

    It was great because you realise a lot of “irrational” behaviour isn’t unfounded or unnatural. Acknowledging and understanding it is the way to change it if that’s what you want, and I’ve already recognised these small changes are possible.

    Another huge part of the second stage of my break up, after the initial 4-6 weeks, spanning about a month, was about distraction away from the pain of it all, and all the constant negative thoughts. Again time frames are hard to stamp on as the process is gradual, but looking back that seems accurate. Things that were great were decorating my room, the odd night out, overtime at work, texting, dating, getting with a couple of guys. It wasn’t a time of feeling constantly better. I label it riding the waves. You never quite feel content but you have moments of enjoyment and happiness to break up the negative thoughts.

    Distractions included redecorating my room, doing overtime at work, pushing my career, nights out with friends, spending some time with my family. Ironically through this time I’ve made most of the other parts of my life better and have begun to appreciate how lovely my life is which has started to give me a feeling of contentment. I never got on with my mum, now we get on really well. I let her in and she really helped me through some tougher days.

    All of these distractions are positive and generally whatever site you go on, they will tell you to do all these things. However there is one where the jury is out on what’s the best way to go…
    I have slept with two people since my ex, one after about two months, and the other after three. I know some people think it is unwise. I disagree but I think it depends how you frame the experiences. For me, with the well selected two guys, not straight away after being dumped but a little further down the line, it was a good thing. Both guys were nice, handsome, and into me so it was nice to have the attention and connection in the moment. It offers a distraction. I have a friend who has totally transferred her feelings from her ex to her new interest. This isn’t something I could do, nor would encourage, leaving you open to rejection from another man I feel, but if you’re doing it for a distraction and not a replacement, it can be enjoyable! It lets you know life goes on, though you can’t forget your ex and the dumping experience, you can move on and will be mutually attracted to others. I needed to heal a bit more before I could develop any real feelings for anyone else, but knowing that there was potential, was positive.

    I feel now if I met a guy, I could feel more; which is a great marker post. I won’t be throwing myself into anything for sure, but I feel like I’m over it enough to be open to taking other guys seriously.
    I also, will admit, did the breaking of no-contact; at one month in, then at two months in; one for closure, one trying to get back together. It’s natural to believe what you had been more special than the average break up. Mainly because you and your ex were probably telling each other that for the amount of time you were together. So it’s very hard to believe that can change. But it has!

    Twice through the break up I’ve contact my ex with the deep down hope of some reconciliation, for the pain killer rather than the logic, or at least some closure. Being dumped over the phone and never seeing that person again… well I found that really tough so I feel for anyone in a similar situation. On the second call I realise the guy who once loved me no longer existed and that was my closure.

    That was what it made it feel over for me, and I didn’t have that for the first two months of trying to heal!
    I can’t beat myself up for that because in my learning journey, and what a steep learning curve it’s been, I needed to make sure it was the right decision before I could move forward. I say, do what you need to do. If you think there is a 5% chance of truly being able to make it work; go for it. Because that 5% will haunt you until you do.

    Yes of course the re-rejection hurt, but, for the most part, I’m left feeling that I did all I could without giving away my massive amounts of dignity or self-pride. Though now I feel we weren’t right together, a lot of that has come with how he handled the split so was knowledge I could only experience after getting dumped! Irony!

    My friend on Saturday morning also said something along these lines which made me think about everything differently, instantly. “You know ___ wasn’t any more special to you then your other ex’s right? When you were six months in with ___ and ___ you were exactly the same, take it from someone on the outside, as besotted and in love. It was just your first dumping and emotions you aren’t use too. You feel it was cut down in its prime rather than trailing off as it has before. One day he’ll be a drop in the ocean.”

    All of a sudden, I realise how much timing has affected my emotional state and how much of the power of it being his decision and out of my hands seeped into my brain. Its empowering to know I have the ability to meet and fall for someone again, as I have before. Now is just the time to make sure, that it’s right before I race in!

    As I approach the fourth month marker, I am in a more content solid place. I feel like me again. Like I said there were lessons to learn post dumping about what I want, who I am, what I’m looking for and also lessons about how I want to be in my next relationship.

    Most importantly the lesson about how to forgive myself for being human and making mistakes! So I am a little different but I’m back in my own skin.

    If you’re anything like me, you’re probably beating yourself for every little argument you could have handled differently. I was a good partner, I wasn’t a perfect one! I never will be and someone has to love and want me enough for my good stuff to be with the whole package; and I’m sure they will. Still better to look at the behaviours that make you unhappy and address them, rather than just to accept the unhappiness it brings. Fine line between changing and modifying!!!

    I have one bit of advice that I didn’t follow. Embrace how you feel. Sometimes I was so heavily trying to distract myself I caused a lot of anxiety. So heavily trying to plan for feeling better that I avoided processing. I still don’t sleep well every night unfortunately which is the last remaining annoyance but I know in time I will sleep soundly every night. I just have to be patience, and for now, accept it the way it is and “keep swimming.” So if you are in your own head; have the thought, let it go, accept the pain. It will go away!

    I guess I wanted to post something because at one point I felt like it was unbearable and more destructively, all my fault. It’s not true. It is exceptionally rare that relationships fall apart because of one party. I see that now. I can only say that whoever (if anyone) reads this, you will come out of this too and can look at back on it as learning if nothing else.

    Hey, maybe one day I’ll be glad I learnt the lessons then, so when the timing and guy’s right, I’ll be glad I know what I learnt from this experience!

  314. Jamie

    My breakup happened just over a month ago the day before valentines day. I was at home writing a valentines card and heard my girlfriend coming in the front door. I quickly hid the card as I don’t want to give it to her a day early. The next words I heard were we need to talk. After much talking she left and moved back to her mothers. We had short discussions since then and I was hoping that we could work it out. A few weeks passed and the next time I saw her was when she came to our apartment (only rented thank god) to collect her belongings. I asked her where she thought things went wrong but she just said that she was not happy and thought it would be unfair to continue the relationship. I spent the next 2hours helping her move all her belongings out. Last words were good bye and the door closed. Feeling very confused as I thought I would marry this girl. It is going to be a long road to being happy again but I know I can be. What’s worse is if she walked back in the door in 10 minutes I would jump at the chance at giving it another go. Your advice and insights would mean a lot. Thank you

  315. R.T.

    So, my boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday. I found out over a social website that he changed his relationship status before even talking to me. He lied about that but then came clean a matter of minutes afterwards. I was told he was cheating on me by a close friend of mine. She saw him with a girl who he called his girlfriend. He texted me with the “official” breakup. My real question is why don’t i feel bad about it?

  316. CN

    Hi Thea, great site by the way!
    My girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me about 7 weeks ago. Whilst it wasn’t the perfect relationship it was still a surprise. I have already found out she is with someone else and that they had met before we broke up. The break up itself knocks you around but the fact that she’s already moved on and with someone hurts just as much. Needless to say i’m pretty shattered.
    I made the error of searching for her on twitter the other day. It was the single greatest backward step I could have taken as I saw all the communication about her and this guy. So I completely agree with you that ignorance is bliss and that under no circumstances should you use social media to keep tabs on your ex. This is easier said than done unfortunately, and my problem (i’ll freely admit this) is that I can be quite obsessive about things. In fact i’m sure most people can be in this situation.
    Since the break up I started doing yoga. This is not only helping me zone out and forget about her for atleast an hour, it also provides the opportunity to meet new (and fit) girls.
    I think over time the break up will make me a better person, it probably has already helped me put things into perspective, in terms of realising who your true friends are, what i’m really looking for in a partner, and also what i’m not.
    Hopefully time (and a future partner) heals everything!
    Thanks for listening!

  317. bml

    My ex dumped because she said that we simply didnt have the same set of values and principles. What triggered the breakup was when I had lunch with her and her family and i simply didnt pay for her meal (or her family’s) and she got mad because of it and enumerated each and every mistake that i did in our almost 2 year relationship. She said that is is PROTOCOL and MEN should always treat their GF’s (and her family) all the time. She broke up on me via the phone and told me that i will NEVER see someone as beautiful, intelligent, and smart as her, that i SHOULD NOT think that i am irreplaceable and that she can replace me anytime she wants, that there’s nothing that i can do that she and her family cant do, etc, etc. All the accusations, all the manipulations, all the lies, all the brandings, and not a single word from me… I took it all and i simply said “DO WHAT YOU THINK IS THE BEST FOR YOU AND FOR YOUR FAMILY” , she left me afterwards and i didnt give chase. I know her, and when she said something abt “I CAN EASILY REPLACE YOU” it simply means that she’s setting my mind that it’s my fault when in fact she has everything planned out already. I asked all women that i personally know and they said that the reason she gave was unjustifiable and that i should just move on because they are SURE that she has someone already, someone who she thinks has more money and has the same “principles and views” as her an officemate of hers who chased her and still trying to win her even though she was with me. But funny thing is that she keeps on entertaining her former flames and now i know why.

    She’d accuse me that i cheated then when asked how did she think of that she’d tell me “why wont you?”, that im a passive-aggressive person, that i am lazy, that i am easy to anger, im a thief, im untrustworthy, etc, my reaction was to always prove to her AND her family (MOST ESP MOM) that i am right for her. I did a lot of things and sacrificed tons just to be with her but in the end i was thrown away like rubbish.

    She’d also demand that i love her family without question when she doesnt even care for my family and even ask for their whereabouts. I am always compared to her former boy friends (or boylets), her father, her friends’ boyfriends and husbands, etc. She’d always play mind games on me and her mom would also talk to me in secret and demanding things that i do this for her daughter, etc, etc. No matter what i did she always found something wrong with it. She always sees something wrong with how i talk, eat, drive, think, hair, dress, etc. She’s hypercritical on everything i do and she always downplays and downsizes my accomplishments.

    TO her, any difference in opinion automatically means disloyalty and disrespect. She and her family believes that they have a monopoly of what’s right and wrong and they are an authority to everything.

    Now i accidentally bumped into a website discussing manipulative women and everything made sense now… She’s a manipulator and i agree with the things said.

    It’s super painful to be tried to be manipulated in a regular basis.

  318. Amber

    My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. Its been absolutely the worst ive ever felt, I really thought this man was my soulmate, the one. He said he loved me and always will but he wasn’t ready for a relationship and never will be the relationship type and didnt want to get married or have kids. hes apologized for starting a relationship with me (we were friends for years before we started dateing), says hes cared about me so much that he wanted to be the guy to give me things like that (kids marriage love) but it just wasnt him, he was forcing it even though he wanted to be that guy. Valentines day he asked me to move in and a week ago I finally agreed. Now I feel like the rugs been yanked from under me, that nobody will love me or care about me the way he did. To make matters worse I was gonna move from michigan to washington, (originally I was gonna go to school in hollywood) so I decided to continue with my hollywood plans, but now im scared to death to leave my hometown. I dont know what to do everythings scary and feels hopeless, I feel disconnected with everyone in my life

  319. Ann

    So I recently was dumped by the same guy for the second time…sigh. We dated for 8 years. He was my first real love as an adult. The first time there was disdain and boredom from him and frustration from me. I tried to make it work; I could feel him pulling away. I made us go to couples counseling and tried any kind of communication possible but still everything I did was met with resistance. Until, finally one day it blew up in my face and he told me that he didn’t love me, hadn’t for a while, didn’t want to be my boyfriend nor my husband. Once I was over the initial shock, I asked him why and he couldn’t articulate his feelings with anything except “I don’t know I just don’t feel it anymore.” Later on down the road we tried to give the whole relationship another shot. I decided it was worth it because well I did love him very much and I thought maybe he was just going through something but if we both tried we could just make it work, we used to be so happy. Well, here I am again, almost one year after the second go-around, in the same awful situation because once again, “he doesn’t feel it.” At least this time he owes me less money. That’s one positive.

  320. Daryl

    Its been a week since my long distance relationship girlfriend of two years decided out of nowhere to end things.. It was last Sunday we were talking on Skype the whole day, I notice prior to that day she hasn’t been talking to me as much and it seemed unusual, towards the end of the day, I told her is there something wrong that you want to talk about? She told me she’s been frustrated lately of the amount of saying “I Love You” to her and that me asking her do you love me has pressured her so much, I tried to calm the situation down and as a couple try to work things out, but she was completely stern about everything saying if she hasn’t return the I Love you message back to me by now she thinks down the road it probably wont happen.. Just hearing all that completely caught me off guard and my heart sank quickly.. We been on a long distance relationship for awhile because of her work and me finally completing Respiratory school this coming month however.. We had plans that after I completed school that I was going to move up there with her.. just sucks right now… I feel throughout the relationship I’ve been doing most of the work.. since its long distance I been flying from Las Vegas to San Francisco every twice a month just to be with her.. not counting the days she really needs me because she has family and work drama going on and she would text and or call me about her problems to me and I would be there to help and advise her.. I did everything for her she didn’t even need to lift a finger! Basically, I poured everything in to this relationship thinking that I might of found the right person in my life.. Now she left me to be thrown into the lion pit.. I don’t know what I did wrong.. I never cheated on her never strayed at all… recently a friend of mines told me she posted a Facebook messages states “Im tired of nice guys… I need a bad boy for once…” It hurts to hear that.. I tried to be the gentleman and show her how much of a real man I am.. Now I wish I never done that… ungrateful and very selfish of her to do that..

  321. Lauren

    My boyfriend of five years worked second shift. I woke up one morning to find he wasn’t home and a text message saying he felt we had drifted apart and he was staying in a hotel. Imagine explaining that to two toddlers. This came out of left field. I noticed he was distant, tried to ask why and got the ‘just tired’ response.

    Thanks for trying to talk to me first.

  322. Devastated

    Please help me.
    I was with my guy for 13 years. We shared many good and bad times together. We both have depression (mine is treated, his isn’t – he doesn’t want to admit he has a problem).
    5 weeks ago, I attempted suicide and he stopped me. A day later, he told me he couldn’t cope with me being like that while he is also struggling and that he needed a break. We talked a bit, I got a new psychologist and changed my meds and he saw I was getting better and said he wanted to try again.
    Every week after that, he would change his mind several times and always tell me via text – that yes, he wanted me, then no, he didn’t. I became so panicked and confused as all I wanted was to be with him. He is my entire life and I was so scared at the thought of losing him.
    This all culminated into an incident last night, where after him telling me yet again he didn’t want us and he needed time apart again, I lost it. I told him via text I didn’t want to live anymore. I guess I felt that way because he had been chopping and changing so many times that I had no idea what was going on and felt I just didn’t want to live through it anymore. He rang my Mum and my brother’s gf and told them someone had to come and help me as he couldn’t do it anymore. This angered me as it felt like he was fobbing me off onto someone else, to be someone else’s problem. So I tried texting him and told me to leave him alone. I said all I wanted was 5 mins of his time and I would. He said no. I tried to call him and he said to fuck off (which he has never said to me before.) By this stage I was worried about his state of mind, and he had turned his phone off, so I went to his Mum’s and told her she needs to look out for him as he isn’t good. Then I went to his place (I knew he wasn’t home) and began writing him a note, saying how sorry I was for what had happened and that I knew I had blown it and that I knew he hated me. He came home when I was still writing it. So I gave him the letter and he read it. We talked for a little while and he said he didn’t hate me, and that he understood why what happened did happen, but that he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me at all anymore after that. He wouldn’t come near me at all. I said I would give him as much space as he needs and that I hope he keeps his doctors appointment so that he gets better in himself. He said he would and that he would contact me once he has had that time, but I have no idea how long that will be. But I am still pretty sure it’s too late and he won’t come back to me at all now. Today is day one of no contact and I am suffering badly. I feel sick and shaky and keep checking my phone. I feel like I can’t function and that all I want is for him to come back and tell me everything will be ok. He has never been as distant as he was last night and it just screams that I have lost him forever.

  323. Abby

    My boyfriend split up with me 3 weeks ago. I had a bad feeling about the new singer in his band; she didn’t seem to like me much and the feeling was mutual. I expressed my concerns to my then boyfriend and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. We had been living together 2.5 years and I had supported him through a lot (gaining contact with kids and money issues). However, 3 weeks ago he said he ddn’t love me anymore- it felt out of the blue to me. I had spent the while weekend being the hostess of his boys birthday party and we had his parents stay with us. He dropped it on me when everyone had gone home. It was basically an angry speech about how he can’t get married and have kids again, because he still feels so upset about it. However, I haven’t expressed an interest in doing either thing; there has been no pressure from me on this point. I think I had turned a blind eye to his reduction in affections as I was still grieving for my Dad who died last year. However, I didn’t think it was a major issue- he still said he loved me and I was feeling too low to worry overly. Anyway, we have continued to live in the same house but he is out and about most of the time, and rarely comes home at night. However, he admitted to me a few days ago that ‘something’ is now going on between him and the new singer. But it started after we split- but only 2 weeks later. He said ‘it just happened’ but I feel that maybe his reassurances over the last 2 months were all lies. I have gone from trusting him more than anyone else in the world, to feeling like I can’t even trust him to pay his share of the rent.
    I am feeling really angry now at how insensitive he is being. I feel he should wait until we have at least moved out before he starts a new relationship. We still have many practical matters to resolve but has emotionally shut down. It has made living together pretty intolerable. I want to move out ASAP but am stuck in the rental contract until he agrees to sever it. I have fears that he will fail to pay what is owed and that I’ll be left high and dry. I think he is crashing at her place at the moment and has been coming home to collect clothes and he brings his kids to our house.
    Any contact I try to make with him, he ignores the practical issues we need to resolve. He behaves as if I am trying to win him back, but I no longer want him as the trust has gone.

  324. Kaitlyn

    So my boyfriend and I initially started dating in high school after a decent length, really really close friendship. This year we both started university, and ended up going to the same school away from home (by coincidence more than anything.) Anyhow, throughout the year we had ups and downs. Both of us were stressed about school, and sometimes the relationship got stressful but for the most part we were happy together.

    One weekend I went home for some work stuff, and that night when I came back he was clearly quite upset. For awhile we both tried to do work but as we were going to bed everything just sort of exploded – we ended up just kind of debating for a couple of hours until we decided to take a break, even though we both still loved each other and cared about each other. We were just too stressed to deal with things, and needed space.

    After about a week, we met up again to talk which was okay at first and after awhile we fairly casually decided that neither of us were ready to go back into the relationship yet, and decided to make the break “official”. The next few weeks both of us have our space, keep busy with exams.

    But after more time and space I’m able to think about the relationship again and I start feeling like the breakup just didn’t make sense. We had stressful times, yes, but first year of university, living away from home, there are bound to be stressed. We ended the relationship on what felt like a whim – it seemed to me like there was just one particularly bad night that somehow ended with us going on a break. And then we made it official because it was so hard being in that in between phase. I realized I really thought we needed to talk more about it. With the few weeks we’d had I’d realized that while we were stressed, that really shouldn’t be enough to end our relationship.

    So we met up, and I laid that out for him. I let him know that basically I thought it was a mistake rushing into the breakup like we did, and that I was ready to try again – 100% to figure things out and make them work. Now that we’d had space and time to cool down I had realized that everything we had was worth fighting for.

    His response was essentially the opposite. He said that once we officialized it, he decided that was that and just moved forward with his life, and was now past the relationship (this is just over two weeks later, but he said that it’s “felt like months”). Now, he can’t see even the possibility of anything in our future. And him and another girl both have “strong feelings for each other” (the quotes are his words by the way, not just air quotes!), although they’re trying to take it slow.

    I guess I technically wasn’t dumped, since the breakup was originally mutual. But at this point it seems like I might as well have been (The effects seem to be the same – crushed, broken, lots of tears, not knowing what to do with yourself, etc.)

    One of the worst parts is because we were so close and spent so much time together since we’ve moved here, I’ve not made many other new close friends so I find myself suddenly without very much support.

    Thanks for reading/listening. 🙂 There is something oddly comforting about an entire community of people that, no matter how different the situation, still know the pain you’re feeling.

  325. Lynne

    Damn, I just typed everything and it delete…:)
    Well I was dumped on April 5th while I was in the hospital having a sleep study done. When I came home from the hospital all her things were gone and she left me a letter stating I deserve better, she cant give me what I need, she is tired of hurting me and that I never wanted to be a family anyway. Honestly…love the victim, martyr and how she knows what I need or deserve without asking me…honestly I don’t care if it is someone else I just cant believe what a coward…I knew it was coming I could tell by the lack of contact from her the past week. I did ask her if she was dumping me but I never got a response until the letter….she said she didn’t feel she was wanted anymore and that I never loved her…don’t you just love manipulation and control and how someone loves to put their behavior and feelings on you to make themselves feel better about their actions…no honesty…when the whole time I asked for honesty and trust and talk to me if it is someone else or if yoru unhappy but nah..nothing….so puts a bitter taste in your mouth…however I seem to be doing well since it shows me the type of person who I almost proposed too…but thank goodness because who needs that type of runner or disrespect…….ugh

  326. Really lost..

    Hey 🙂

    I’m 20 now. About a year ago or so I started a relationship with a woman a year older than me. We had a really good relationship and had lots of fun, lots of common interests and all in all a good time. We decided to move in together not soon after though.. I think that’s where it went wrong.. We broke up a month ago but are still living together. (we have a housing contract..) Right now she’s abroad and have been for ca month (we broke up a week before she left). It was a hasty decision but we’ve been arguing and fighting over every little thing.. you know. hah. Stepping on each others toes.

    But you see.. right now she’s in a contest on TV.. top model… She is having the best of times!(while I’m having the worst) She is also a singer and just released a music video! hello! she has the perfect life! She’s going to win this contest on tv I’m SURE. And she’s a lovely woman. She is perfect in every way. I’m absolutely sure I will never love a woman the way I love her. And I miss her.. But, she’s waaay out of my league haha. I hate this. I’m so lost.

    Then there’s me.. A very anonymous young woman.. I like to sit in and watch series and read while drinking wine in silence. But I love her. I don’t know what to do.

    So sorry for the boring rant..

    Thanks for letting me vent. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to. Maybe there’s someone with some good advice out there?

  327. An

    Hi, My name is An and I got dumped a few days ago..
    The thing is, he is 21 and I’m 16 years old… Last year I fell in love with him. But I knew we couldn’t start anything yet. Illegal and it wouldn’t work out because everything is so different.. Well, we knew that both and we just couldn’t stop flirting, I see him once a week for 3 hours and in august 10 days 24/24. After our 10 days in August, we started sending letters, textes etc. I just felt sooo much beter when I was with him en I knew he did too. So 2 weeks ago, I went to a party where he was too and we had such a good time and in the end, he kissed me. It felt perfect, even though I knew he might regret it later. I was happy.
    2 days later, I got a text from him.
    “hey An, what do you think of secretly starting a relationship? I mean, after thursday, I don’t think I want to control myself when I’m with you. What do you think of that?”
    And I just couldn’t believe my eyes.
    I loved the idea and so did he. He would pick me up on saturday and we would go somewhere he didn’t want to tell me yet.
    But friday, I got a text from him ; Hey An, I know we didn’t start yet, but I think it is best to keep it this way… I’m not ready to keep a relationship of 2 years silent. And if I’m truly honest with you, I should say that I don’t think I have feelings for you.. So if I would start something with you, it would be for completely wrong reasons, and I think that isn’t fair.. I’m sorry x

    And I hope you don’t treat me different because of my age, because I really don’t think I’ll be more mature later than I am now

    And I hate myself for not being able to hate him, because when I think of him, I see that perfect guy who has the most brilliant ideas and all I can think of is ‘if he didn’t ask that, we would have a chance in 2 years..’
    because now, that future is gone. I don’t think I would ever even wànt to begin something when I’m old enough with him. Even though I keep seeing him every damn week and in july, we go with our friends 10 days on holiday..

    He broke me. And I don’t know how to pick my life up again
    he was for 2 years the reason I woke up in the morning and now, the letter he wrote me became worthless and I’m demotivated to do anything and I just feel sooo lost…
    I’m truly dissapointed by the one person I thought could make me happy

  328. Jane

    My boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me a couple of days ago. We’re both in our early twenties and for me it was the first serious relationship I have ever been in. We met at University and fell in love pretty much immediately, I had no idea loving someone like that was possible and he seemed just as in love with me as I was. I finished University about a week ago but he still has a year left, we moved into our second flat together a month ago, I had planned my entire next year around him and that house. He went on a two week trip right after we moved house and came back he was an entirely different person: dismissive, arrogant and weary of me. After three days of being ignored and talking about whether we should stay together I told him ‘It’s over’ just to get him to see how much he was hurting me but he pulled it through and refused to let me try and make up with him. I flew home the next day (to France, this happened in England) and I’ve just been so incredibly sad I feel like it will tear me apart because I still love him so much. Additionally my plans for next year are now ruined and I have no idea what to do with my life, but planning it is stressing me more than I can take. I want him and our life back so badly I would do everything, I keep writing him but he doesn’t get back to me, I don’t know what to do.

  329. Kara

    My boyfriend (ex-) and I had been dating for 8 months, which to many is not a lot, but it was my first relationship and I took it probably too seriously at least near the end. We were ending our freshman year in college and the day before he left for home in another state he told me he loved me. We planned on being together throughout summer. About a week later when we were talking via Facebook, nearly out of the blue he says he wasn’t sure if he felt the same about me. It hadn’t even been a full week after that parting “I love you”. He said there was no one else and usually he’s bluntly honest even if it hurts. He said that he needed some time to think about it. I treated that as a breakup, knowing that if he even questioned it than it was over. About two days later he calls me and tells me he doesn’t feel the same way about me that he once did. So I was dumped over the phone, hundreds of miles apart, just as my summer vacation was beginning. He said he wanted to be “best friends” still but it’s going on 4 weeks and I still haven’t heard from him. I’m trying to keep my distance and get over it, but I do think about him every day, not constantly though. I don’t know if I am over him or not. All I know is that he was my first (in more than one way) and I feel terrible that the things that I considered precious, like my heart and virginity, were treated so badly.

  330. FOS

    My fiancée always had a quirky saying – “your ex is an ex for a reason.”

    2 months ago, she decided that she could no longer be with me and that we were over. It all came about after a week of strange and erratic behaviour from her, where she was staying out all night and not coming home. She would text to say she was staying with “friends” and had a generally stinking attitude about her – which was totally out of character. When she did eventually return home, we argued and i told her to pack a bag and get out. I figured she would go to her mother’s for the night and we could chat more in the morning and fix things once the situation had calmed down.

    Long story short, after 2 days of trying to contact her, she agreed to meet me in a coffee shop in the city centre – where she explained to me that she couldn’t come back to me as she was a “psycho” and she was no good for me. She said she was fed up being a push over and that she felt more like herself with her new friends – and this involved excessive drinking, sleeping on sofas and going to work in the same clothes – and she felt that i would disprove of all this new lifestyle.

    My worry here was that she was suffering from a complete mental breakdown. I couldn’t accept the reasons she was giving for this as it was so sudden and, other than the previous week, this was totally out of character for her. She wasn’t making any sense to me and I did not know this person that was speaking to me – despite having been together for 7 and a half years, having lived together for 5, and been engaged for 2 of those!

    Nevertheless, i had to accept this and start looking at the practical side of things and sorting out the things in the house – which I knew was going to be tough. She had made her mind up that she was moving out and I was therefore left with the house. I already paid the majority of the bills and things were a struggle before – but were going to be a complete nightmare financially as well as the emotional drag of being faced with time and space in a home full of memories!

    Over the years, we have gained a number of mutual friends – majority of which have also been shocked and concerned by this behaviour. They had been told of different reasons as to why we were no longer a couple – none of which seemed to add up to the reasons i was given. I decided to look a bit deeper and another of our friends was able to fill me in better on what had actually been going on.

    My Fiancée, the love of my life, persisted to tell me “it’s not you, it’s me” and that “we’ve grown apart – it happens and nobody has done anything wrong.” I asked her on 2 occasions if she had been seeing someone else and twice she denied this. I eventually confronted her and got the truth from her…in front of her mother, who seemed to be as shocked and devastated as i was!

    Nevertheless, 7 and a half years is still a long time and the majority of that time was very happy and we were completely in love. I had reasoned (or perhaps made the excuse for her) that her change in behaviour and the reason for all of this had more to do with her not coping with the death of her father a few years previous, rather than her rejecting me. I tried desperately to convince her that this is not really her and that we could work through whatever had gone wrong. She advised there was no chance of this happening, and that she was moving away ASAP as she couldn’t stand living nearby! I am totally crushed. She was so keen to get married and had even bought her wedding dress – which I understand is currently being advertised for sale at a knockdown price online!

    She has moved away now and I found out after a few days of her having left (despite her telling me she was going to be avoiding men and relationships for a long while as she was as hurt as i was and she still loved me) that she was still with this other man. Whilst I had told her i wasn’t prepared to be her “friend”, I still confronted her about this and shortly after, she announced to the world that she is now in a relationship with this guy. Remember, this has all happened in the space of the last 2 months – and the information has gradually been fed to me among a whole other heap of BS.

    Despite all this, I have not said a bad word against her and i still desperately want her back! I am trying to be strong and avoiding contact, i have actually deactivated my facebook account and do not have her number stored – and i am trying to tell our mutual friends that i don’t want to know…even when really i do.

    Finding this site tonight has been a bit of a god-send and it all makes complete sense – but I still can’t accept that this is over and am clinging on to scraps of hope. I know i am supposed to accept her decision and i am not pretending to myself that our relationship was perfect. It appears she is completely over me already – but a part of me still thinks that she is in a troubled place right now and i should be there to help her? It is because of this that I feel no anger or rage towards her! Am i being daft?

  331. FOS

    OMG! My apologies – i had no idea that was soooo long! Once you pop, you can’t stop! Sorry ppl!

  332. Mid40s

    Hi there,

    My partner (ex) and I are both in our mid 40s – both had bad marriages – both have children.

    We’ve been in a relationship for the past 9 months – we both thought we had found our soul mate. We both had the thoughts that we had to go through our lives to appreciate what we had now. We called it our own happy bubble. We have both experienced the intimacy that we wanted from each other – the love, the closeness.

    We had merged most of our lives – our kids over time – everything was great. We live separately but he spent maybe 2-4 nights a week over at my house. He has drawers full of clothes, shoes, toiletries etc.

    We had just spent a great long weekend together with both sets of kids – he dropped his off then he came back that night. Got up for work the next morning, love you, see you tomorrow night. We’ve never had problems communicating – ever. 85% of the time we’ve been together he has rung me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We still talk on the phone for an hour or so … its one of our strengths as a couple.

    Rang him that night as I had a bit of drama. I offloaded on him, cried, bitched, he listened and was very supportive. I said it seems every time I need his presence it works out that hes not there ! He rang me back an hour later and I bitched and cried some more – He said try to get some sleep babe, tomorrow will be a better day, love you heaps, kiss kiss, night babe.

    The next day I sent him a text to ask how his day was – said he had a heap on, would call later. Early evening I got another text saying he wouldn’t be over, had a heap on, would be working back late, would call me later, pls don’t call as he had heaps to get through, thanks for my understanding ….

    That was 2 weeks ago …

    He has ignored all my texts, emails, phone calls …His teenage daughter is none the wiser – she said he just gets like this … what ?

    I know he does suffer with mild depression but seriously I need closure – Im not taking his silence as an answer … he still has all his wardrobe at home – business shirts etc as well – doesn’t he want them back ?

    At what point do you go from not taking his silence as an answer, and being supportive to whatever it is going on his life that he can’t discuss right now, to just pulling the plug. Is this what he wants ? I just don’t understand. My heart is breaking.

    Ive committed myself to the relationship being over. I don’t have an alternative do I? I have put away all of the photos at home of us, I have hidden his business shirts in the middle of my closet so I don’t see them, I have deleted all the text history off my phone, his photos, his special ring tone, I have purged the pics at work, I have cleaned up Facebook as much as I can ….

    Im just making it through each day – my kids keep on asking where he is – why he isn’t over …. the intense anxiety Im feeling ..the heart break … Im just keeping my head above water

  333. Caroline

    Hi. I’ve tried everything to feel better. Rationalizing does not help. So I’ll just explain from the beginning.

    Last August, in my first few weeks of college, I met a guy–let’s call him J. He had just been dumped by his girlfriend/best friend/only friend of almost three years, and I was suffering over the anniversary of a close friend’s death. So we bonded over loss. We hit it off fast, talked until 3am the first evening we met. We quickly determined, without explicitly stating it, that we liked each other. We hooked up a week later. He told me a day later that we couldn’t do that because he was in love with his ex-girlfriend and he didn’t want to hurt me. Mature and rational. But we kept getting closer as friends; I was his confidante. We tried to keep away from each other, draw lines carefully, but that wasn’t working. The only thing keeping us apart was his ex. She was this looming figure in his mind–he would disappear for hours, walking around town in utter agony. It was horrible to watch.

    Late October he determined he liked me too much to not be in a relationship–we started dating. November and December and January were the most violently happy and violently awful months of my life. He was liking me more and more, but not getting over his ex. At all. He saw her over Thanksgiving break and Christmas break; I was hundreds of miles away. Those days…there aren’t really words.

    By mid-January he was talking to her 24/7 via text, and then he broke up with me. I just could never compare. Unfortunately, I had already unconsciously molded my life around his–I spent all my time with him, I missed classes for him, missed countless social opportunities–my year was ABOUT him. I was so in love. First love. Dangerous as hell love. But when he broke up with me, while I was sitting on his dorm room futon doing homework like every night, he told me he didn’t want our friendship to change.

    So we just got closer. He had someone he was in love with–it wasn’t me. And then I was his best friend. He was my best friend, and I was in love with him. You see how it’s necessarily destructive. We hooked up about a month after we broke up. He said it was separate from our friendship, didn’t want it to mean anything. I said I couldn’t do that. One moment of strength amid a year of weakness–all my friends thought I was pathetic. His slave.

    This girl–this girl that I hate–this girl to whom I had compared myself since August–this girl who was so much better in his eyes than I was–came to visit. Twice. They got back together.

    Wanna know how it could be worse? She’s transferring to our school. J’s and my circle of friends? They met her and love her. She will be here. I will see her. I will see them. Together.

    Vocabulary is such a shoddy medium to try to convey emotion–I didn’t want to lose grip on my life to him. It’s not something over which I had control. I watched all my interests slip away, and adopted all his hobbies to have more in common with him.

    I’m a writer. I’ve tried writing about this. Every night. I’ve talked to friends. Taken up new hobbies. Had plenty of alone time. Nothing works. There are a few wonderful guys who have expressed interest in me; it’s been six months after all, but I feel nothing but pain. And it will only intensify a million-fold when I go back to school and get to enjoy the torture of watching her walk around with him–everything I couldn’t be holding hands with everything I want.

  334. agk

    Well I have been with a guy for purely “fun” relationship for the past 7 months. Nothing serious but we spent a lot of time together. Weekends and last one month we have been speaking everyday and meeting almost everyday. It all seemed fine. Till he went for a friends wedding. From then on no contact or email, text or anything. I texted him asking where he was – he said he is at this place. he came back from the wedding and again I texted him asking him whether he has come back. And he said yes. and then I asked him to call me. Which he did. When I asked him what happened – he just said it has all been very hectic. We spoke for about 20 mins like previous times and then he ran saying he has a meeting to go to and he will catch up with me later. Since then there has been no contact for the last 5 days. I feel he is withdrawing from me and he does not know how to say it.

    The thing is that I am fine with us ending things since I am not serious about him either . but I feel so bad that he is the one who is withdrawing and not even bothering to tell me about it. From a person who used to text and talk to me everyday he has gone to no texts. He did mention that he finds our relationship intense but he didnt act on till now – so what happened now? what happened at the wedding? I am just going crazy thinking that he has found someone else and he wont tell me about it.

    Should I just ignore him too? but I feel I wont get closure. I need to get closure now. Should I talk to him? will he think I am really needy cos of that? but then since he has already moved away there is really no danger of anything going bad… he has already moved on.. the talk will just help me get closure and make me move on as well.

    what should I do?

  335. thea Post author

    First of all AG thanks for your post. I appreciate it. Couple of quick things as I am not really in a position to reply (working) but wanted to throw a few things out there.

    1) We as women can never just do “FUN” relationships. Well we can – some better than others – but anyone with actual feelings tends to develop attachment to the person by having sex. We may start out thinking “oh this is just a bit of fun – he’s not right for me”. You seem as though you actually HAVE got feelings for him…

    2) Closure is a misnomer. It really seldom exists. I wish it did, but likely anything he says to you won’t actually make you feel better.

    3) I can’t begin to tell you how many guys went AWOL on me. Far too many to count. 9 times out of 10 they reached out again in days/weeks/months down the road. It used to drive me mad and now I just sort of let it all go and avoid clinging. It works for me now (but had years of resisting their pulling away).

    My advice is get on with our life. Work on letting go of this guy and bring in a guy who 1) stays and 2) is more than “just a bit of fun”.

    Look back at the seven months as a lot of FUN – you got a lot out of it presumably – some conversation, some sex, some meals, etc…and be grateful that you had fun too.

    It sucks when they pull away but this is likely a BLESSING. Let it be that.

    That said you’ve likely not heard the last of him. You may very well find out he met someone sure. Why not just assume he did and let that be your closure.

    Clear the driftwood and make a path for something better to come in.

    Hugs x

  336. agk

    I agree with you Thea … and thanks for the insight… I probably am infatuated with him and that infatuation is becoming bigger and bigger in my head….

    I know the best thing to do is to live my life… for some strange set of reasons, I am unfortunately in a bind with a low social life…. so this guy was a distraction and hence I miss it even more… to make matters worse, my best friend is also out of town and I feel lost at time….

    I need to achieve a sense of non chalance in my life vis-a-vis him…every night I am tempted to message him asking “hi, have not heard from you in a while, is everything ok?”… and I am not sure what I expect the answer to be which will make me feel better…

    I am a little scared also to start afresh and find someone new…. its scares me that some one could just go awol on me again… and I would have to f