REAL THREAD: Breaking “No Contact” One Year On

No Contact
No Contact

Today I logged onto the forum to read a post from a site member who broke No Contact (NC) one year after their split. You can perhaps imagine how went – in the best possible scenario…Talking for hours just catching up, followed by a flurry of emails confessing there were still having feelings  there for each other….Then, admitting a desire, by them both  of them, to try again by starting afresh…only to have her do a one-eighty a day later…Oh the disappointment!

Naturally many of the other site members who have replied (or will reply) are (or will be) outraged on this site member’s behalf, but my moon -in-Libra ways means that I always try to see the other side.

I see it not necessarily my role to defend the exes that aren’t there to defend themselves, but to maybe to reveal their possible (different) perspective.  Basically, I am a master of imagining how it feels to walk in the other person’s shoes.

As you might imagine, it doesn’t always go down well in Camp Dumped…but that’s ok, I can take dumpees getting pissed off at me. After all it’s not really me they’re mad at, I get that…

So the poster in question responds by changing their email address so she can’t ever get in contact again – and resorts to the path of NC once more…

Here is a portion of my reply:

Well, she may have panicked is all. I am sure she does love / miss you…But you guys split up for a reason a year ago and maybe that reason hasn’t changed.

I think NC is good, for most people, in most situations…

Here’s are two example I’ve found that can confuse the issue.

SCENARIO 1 – “I’m so not over him / her” AKA “I keep thinking about my ex non-stop”

This can happen to many of us. We assume we’re totally not over the person. We keep reminding ourselves how much we love them, miss them, and we create stories in our head about them. We literally pine for them and yet fear communication because of what it may stir up….

THEN: We see them or speak to them and realise it really all was in our head and we no longer feel the same. Sometimes we realise we feel nothing for the person at all.

Kinda great when that happens…

But then there’s…

SCENARIO 2 – “I’m totally over him / her!”

Here you are weeks, months, maybe even years down the road. Happily in NC or sometimes even LC (limited contact). Chances are you may already even be dating someone new or even in a relationship, then the unthinkable happens – BAM! You bump into them and WHOOOOSH all those feelings come rushing back.

You realise “man I am totally not over him/ her”.

Sucks to be there. Been there.

So while No Contact is great for allowing healing to take place. It can allow the DUST TO SETTLE, but it also can make our minds create scenarios like the above situations I described.

Sometimes we think we’re over it and we’re not.

Sometimes we don’t think we’re over it and we are.

So yeah, sometimes, I personally feel, that breaking NC can be a good thing. It can be a gauge for us to see where we are at.

I don’t believe she’s been waiting a year for you to contact her just to drop you again. More that she probably realised that what broke you up was something that simply loving each other could not fix.

It’s a pain, it’s unfortunate but it’s not a crime, and I highly doubt she did this in a pre-meditated sort of way…she probably just got swept up in a year of stories she created in HER head about you!

If I am wrong and she did really just do this as an EGO boost to mess your head (again I really don’t believe that to be the case at all!!) – then you’re better off without someone so callous anyway.

So really, though painful to drudge up these emotions, this will be a win/win – in time.

Sometimes experiences like this can speed up our recovery and make us finally cut that invisible thread we’ve had running in our heads and hearts.

I know I had something happen that was as painful…I was once more than a year down the road with my ex, and we still kept in touch but nothing about our romantic lives as such…and I was mentally still in a relationship with him (even though we hadn’t seen each other for like a year face-to-face) and he turns around and tells me he’s moving in with someone.

I remember that Sunday night so well (maybe 8 years ago now?) “Fight Club” was on the telly I vaguely watched it between sobbing my eyes out. It was awful! But it did end up speeding up my healing by severing that final bit of HOPE!

8 years on and we’re still email friends. I’ve not seen him in all that time – bar walking passed him and her in the street once!

I am not sure I’d have bothered changing your email so she couldn’t contact you, but you did what you felt you needed to do and that’s all any of us can do.

Life and people can sometimes surprise you and maybe, just maybe, one day you’ll be able to be friends…You love her on some level, she loves you on some level. She’s probably not a bad person. Mixed up maybe. Scared perhaps. “Busy”, I guess…but as a guess, not a She Devil out to hurt you.

She’s just a human like you; and let’s face it we’re all flawed. We all get scared, emotional, confused, hurt, sad, and hurt other people too.

Hang in there this is a good thing even though it doesn’t feel that way just yet!

Trust me – after 10 years of this stuff, I know what I am talking about.

Instead of being angry, hurt, bitter etc – you can be grateful you had an ex at least say they’ve missed you, care for you and aren’t at peace in their life…Some people don’t even get that.

Let this catapult you forward on your path to recovery and be grateful for the smatterings of good in amongst the hurt.

I do feel for the person. It’s not a nice place to be. It’s happened to me a few times – that having_the_rug_pulled_out_from_under you type thing. It sucks, to be sure but all these experiences are shaping us and can be the making of us if we let them.

4 thought on “REAL THREAD: Breaking “No Contact” One Year On”

  1. Beth

    When I was 19 I had a boyfriend for 2 years we lived together for a year…we were young and I think he cheated on me alot…but obviously when he left me for a “school” girl I was devo’d for atleast a year and had to see them around town together all the time.

    He did the same to his ex before me…sure enough 2 years later his “new” gf asked me if he ever cheated…they broke up…he blamed me because i was honest when she asked. (silly boy)

    10 years later he has tried to become “my friend” on facebook 3 times – 3 times i have hit ignore request…

    I have seen him a couple of times but have avoided him – because he simply means NOTHING to me…I have no emotional feelings good or bad…he is like a stranger in the street to me…

    And it’s because I took healing time to get over him completely. He however must still have feelings or whatever because he wants contact with me – sad really when he has his own kids and family…but he just jumped from girl to girl never thinking about anything…

    Another guy I was seeing on and off for 2 years really hurt me…i took him back once then decided after I get back from my overseas trip – never ever will I go back to him and i didn’t…a year later he wants me back…I said no I have moved on – not to another guy but my feeling where gone from him.

    It’s amazing how when we are in the middle of a break up the pining and sadness, thinking of them non-stop (which I am going through again) then one day it just goes away…be that a trigger or your heart has healed it’s a great day and everyone has the strength to get to this point if they just let themselves go through the healing process…talk about it, write it out, go on a holiday it all helps…

    So by the sounds of it this girl doing a 180 to this guy is probably the best thing – she is not the right girl for you and it should give you more strength to get over her and your past relationship…

    So that’s my 2 cents…

    Beth

  2. Pingback: Considering No Contact? Think Small | soyouvebeendumped.com

  3. Jen

    Jeez, does it ever end? It’s been over a year no contact for me, and I think of him still every day. It’s really bad on Sundays. I’ve done therapy, 12 step work, family of origin work, journaling, meditation, smashing plates and pillows…and the obsessive thoughts are still here. 🙁 I will not be breaking no contact. We are both married, so, contact would be a mess. I hope you’re right about “One day it will just go away” but it’s been a f@&$ing YEAR!! Ugh, so depressed and hopeless.

  4. Brian B.

    Jen, he was a person who once understood and cared for you, that probably hasn’t changed. What about the tiniest text? It won’t necessarily open any floodgates. Otherwise you will keep obsessing. Who knows, maybe he’s not totally over it or open to being friends or something.

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