MAN’S VIEW: Do You Want Your EX Back?

Today’s blog turns it over to one of my valued benefactor members. The views are his – but I do have to concur on the sentiments expressed in this guest post. If you’re in that desperate-to-get-him/her-back stage, please read on for some sage information.

Getting your ex back – A cautionary tale by DMC

If you are reading this after having been dumped, it’s almost guaranteed that you are in a state of disbelief, anguish and overwhelming emotional pain.

In your vulnerable state, getting your ex back has probably become an all-encompassing goal, and right now you feel that will do almost ANYTHING if you think there’s a chance that they will come back to you.

So you probably did what I did some months ago, and typed something like “how to get your ex back” into Google – and you found a bunch of websites offering quick-fix, sure-fire methods to get her/him back, all of which reminded you of how great it was to be in your relationship – then asked for money before they revealed their “secret”.

But the good news is that you found this page, too.

As someone who was in the exact state you’re in, not long ago, I urge you to take my advice. Before you commit to parting with any money at all for these things, please…


Just stop whatever you are doing, read what follows, then reconsider. Believe me, you have absolutely nothing to lose by not doing anything at all for 24 hours, 48 hours, or even a week – and I will explain why you have nothing to lose in a minute…

I went through the same thing

Believe me, I understand your pain, and I know exactly where you are, because I was in the same state as you only a short time ago.

I would have parted with nearly ANY money at all if I thought it would have got her back. I would have taken out a bank loan, re-mortgaged my house, sold my car, sold my firstborn or my immortal soul to whichever devil might have popped up in my living room – anything.

I was, in short, temporarily mentally ill.

As it happened, I was lucky to get away with only wasting a couple of hundred dollars on these sites and eBooks, with absolutely zero success – but damaging myself in the process.

My healing really only started when I read what the kind, compassionate community at soyouvebeendumped.com had to say.

Why do you have nothing to lose?

Now, here’s the reason why you have nothing to lose: the course of action suggested by these sites and eBooks, and the course of action suggested by soyouvebeendumped.com, is exactly the same.

The great “secret” that you have to pay £££ or $$$ for, and what soyouvebeendumped.com recommends for free, is this:


Simply that – withdraw from them; reject the rejector; get out of their lives; disappear; drop off the face of the earth.

In the context of the paid sites, the idea is to make you appear unavailable, and therefore more alluring. Whereas here, we believe that ceasing contact with your ex is the most effective and swiftest way of healing from the trauma that you have just experienced.

So whether you choose to pay $39 or $55 for a downloadable eBook, or to use this free resource of loving support to help you heal, bear in mind that the first piece of advice either of us will give you is “stop contacting your ex, and don’t respond to their contact”.

One way or the other, you have nothing to lose.

You can either spend your hard-earned money on an eBook that tells you to ignore your ex, or you can just ignore them anyway, and join the forums here.


Now for the bad news. This is a harsh truth and you will not want to believe it, but it’s very likely to be true…

Unless you’re in a very tiny minority, the breakup you have just experienced is probably the irrevocable end of the relationship.

You do not want to hear this – believe me, nor did I. It was the most painful thing I read in those first bleak days, and whenever I read anything that said it, I chose to ignore it, go back to Google again, and spend my hard-earned cash on eBooks that did no good at all.

Your ex might have said stuff to you like “can we keep in touch”, “we can be friends”, or as mine did, say “I always want you in your life”. These words may have given you hope that there was a chance of reconciliation. Your ex may have meant these things, or they may have said them in the misguided belief that they’d make you feel better – and these words may even provide you with temporary relief from the appalling pain you are in – but they are just words, and usually don’t mean a thing.

She or he has rejected you, and that action speaks louder than the words they used.

The enemies of your future healing are now: prolonged contact with your ex, and false hope. And false hope is what is being peddled by those expensive websites and eBooks.

I wish that I had just accepted this at the time. I would have started to heal so much faster, and not have put myself through two months of emotional agony.

Why am I so passionate about this?

There are three reasons I’ve written this.

Firstly, I don’t want others to make the mistake I did: paying a lot of money for advice that is, at best, similar to what you get here, and at worst, actually damaging to you.

Secondly, I don’t want others to experience the pain I went through thanks to these sites, which promote false hopes that lift you up, only to crash you down again.

Thirdly, they hardly work at all.

The lack of success of these schemes is, sadly, borne out by the very sites that are asking for your money. As a member of various “get-your-ex-back” message boards that came with the money I paid, I observed almost zero success being reported. Sure, there are a couple of success stories every month or two, but I am not sure they’re all real – and even if they are, I’d put them at way-less-than a half of one per cent of all the people participating in the message boards. Most people posting there are still in anguish, and only making things worse for themselves.

I tried to follow the conflicting advice being offered by the various sites and eBooks that I paid for. And I just kept on reopening the gaping wound in my heart. Day after day – until I ended up in a state of clinical depression.

I’m not saying that all these eBooks and sites are cynical in intent (though they are all charging for advice you can get here for free). One of the better ones I paid for promotes the same thing that soyouvebeendumped.com does – namely, heal yourself, allow yourself to live well as a single person. The difference is that they offer false hope. And why pay money for that?

I wish you every success in your decision, and in your healing. Talk to us at soyouvebeendumped.com before you pay for any advice – as I said, you have nothing to lose, and this community will offer you support and advice for free.

Good luck – it can be a long and painful process, but you’ll be OK in the end.


30 thoughts on “MAN’S VIEW: Do You Want Your EX Back?

  1. Hi,

    I really need help on this one.
    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago today and I’m finding it so hard…
    I haven’t spoken to him or seen him and I miss him like crazy.
    The other night though, I posted this song from (final fantasy viii) a video game he showed me when we were together…
    the song’s title is actually my name so I decided to post it to facebook cause i was thinking of him.
    That same night I logged on and noticed he posted a song from the same video game (final fantasy x) as well.
    His song, however was an orchestra with strings, piano and the whole sha-bang, very climatic.
    Where mine was just a guy playing the song on a piano.
    As well, he really made it clear when he broke up with me it was over.
    I have a few things that are still at his place and he told me to not come around and get them because he would bring them over.
    He hasn’t brought them over and it’s been making me think and hope that he doesn’t want to let go.
    Do you have any idea what the song post was or why he hasn’t brought my things back?
    I’m fighting the urge to call and contact him but I don’t know how much longer I can go.
    I miss him with everything and I am still so in love with him.
    I want him and I to be together again. Please help.
    I’m trying to not hold on to false hope if it is.
    I’ve just been thinking since he was really firm on his decision… but he hasn’t given me my things…
    Could this mean anything?

  2. Hmm, few things to address here…

    Number one – it would behoove you to hide, or completely remove him, from Facebook, or you’re going to do yourself an injury trying to OVER ANALYSE what he’s thinking or feeling by his actions.

    The chances are he DOES miss you on some level, but if he missed you enough to discuss reconciliation, he would do. Guys are less inclined to do cryptic things, it’s more of a chick thing to do (I know I’ve done it) 🙂

    To be honest, it takes time for BOTH sides to do this healing thang.

    He’s, no doubt, hurting and missing you too on some level, but for whatever reason he just doesn’t have enough feelings to want a relationship with you…at this moment, he doesn’t want to reconcile. Who knows about the future though?

    As for the song – it could be a “sign” or it could be coincidence. It may mean something, it may mean NOTHING. The only way we’d know is if we heard it from him.

    For your sanity’s sake, go ahead and contact him sooner than later – send him an email with a rough version of the following.

    “Hello, hope you’re well. I’ve still having a difficult time adjusting to our new status. For that reason, I need to remove you from Facebook (at least temporarily) and get my stuff back too, so I can start to heal and move on. So please arrange to either drop it by or let me know when I can come and collect it. Take care.”

    Keep it short, sweet, unemotional, not heavy, just matter-of-fact. No more is required right now for that.

    It will take balls (so to speak) to do it but frankly – you’re prolonging your pain by being connected to him on FB or any other social network. What if girls start posting on his wall, or you see him flirting with some other girl on hers? Really when it comes to this sort of thing, ignorance is bliss.

    It’s only a temporary measure until such time you can see him flirting etc with someone else and it doesn’t rip your heart out!

    And I know a LOT of people don’t want to go completely NO CONTACT because they’re worried the guy (or girl) will forget about them, and that somehow remaining in contact (even through social networks) is gonna be a reminder of how cool you are – etc…It’s actually BETTER to make a clean break in most cases because it gives them a chance to really miss us.

    If you want him and you to be together, a completely normal reaction one week on, then get your stuff back, make a clean break, start healing and working on yourself (the only thing you can control) and be the kind of girl anyone would want to be around!

    It’s always WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE to see an ex getting on with their lives, getting out doing new things, meeting new people. The dumpers actually hate that in a way – it makes them sit up and take notice, rather curiously. In some cases it can make them want you back.

    How long had you dated and what did he cite was the REASON for ending it?

    Stop analyinsing him, his posts, his motives, and get on with living your life. Wishful thinking never gets anyone of us anywhere.

    It’s ok to miss him, you are bound to for months and months to come, but again – be your motivated, enigmatic self who’s taking life by the horns and truly living.

    If it doesn’t work out with this guy, I can promise you it will work with someone else on down the road. The mind can be cruel post split, you’ve not lost your only chance at love or anything. You’re gonna be just fine but watch the over analysing. It is such torture.

    Get your stuff back and get back to seeing your friends, working hard (or studying or whatever), playing, finding the beauty in life’s simple pleasures. Walks, baths, drives, meals, movies, shopping, games, sport,…whatever your thing is!

    You can do this! Keep in touch x
    Good luck!

  3. My ex and I broke up LDR 3 months ago after over a year’s r’ship. It wasn’t a messy breakup (although it was still very painful), and basically she just decided last minute she wasn’t going to move to my country when she’s been preparing for months to do so, having visited many time and met my parents, friends etc. I did the same too for a year while we were together, visiting her every 4-6 weeks. We had a great LDR.

    After the BU I went to NC for 2 months. She started seeing someone else weeks later. A few weeks ago I contacted her and we’ve been talking on and off till now on MSN and text. Friendly stuff, updates on work and life etc. No mention of old r’ship. But I’ve been initiating contact every time. She said she’s glad that we are talking again but surprised that I suddenly wants to be in touch so much.

    When we broke up she said she wants to be friends and have the old conversations we used to have…I now know she probably didn’t really mean it. Her actions now speaks louder. She seems a bit indifferent, and my presence in her life makes no difference, if it isn’t an annoyance or distraction.

    Couple days ago I emailed her a handwritten letter, just telling her why I’m i touch again, and that I have no anger or resentment and just want to be friends again (although I didn’t use the word ‘friend’), and that I miss my best friend. I think it might have been a mistake, but I couldn’t help it. I just needed my voice to he heard, and let her know where I stand.

    I just wish she could open up a bit and share more. I’d know where she stand and maybe I could finally make the decision to move on for good if she’s truly indifferent.

    Of course, she could be busy so I’ll give her a few more days for a response. I’m trying hard not to text her again about this.

    It seems that she’s no longer in a r’ship as well. I was her first ‘real’ r’ship, which is why I don’t know if it’s something she can forget so quickly, but it looks like it. It’s been 3-4 months and I’m disappointed at myself for still hanging on (although I’m much much better than I was before).

    Would love to hear your thoughts. Many thanks.

  4. Hello Irwin, have you heard from her again? I am sorry to hear your story. It’s not easy. If you were her first and she was pretty much yours – you will both always be special for each other. As someone who moved across the world to be with her man, I can say I don’t really recommend it. It can put so much stress on the relationship because the person who’s moved country has no family / friends – only the partner. It takes ages to settle somewhere new.

    It may still be too early to be her “friend” (even though you’ve not used that word…).

    Don’t be in touch any more. Leave her be. If / when she wants to reply – she will. OK?

    Don’t be disappointed in yourself. It’s a waste of energy. You’re doing the best you can (as is she).

    You take care.


  5. our relationship started on the first quarter of this year. After almost two months of being together, ours became LDR because of work. At first, it was a temporary thing until after four months, it was finally decided that he has to stay permanently in his home country. The day he got the news, he broke up with me also citing that he has to focus on himself because he needs to establish his self again on his home base (he used to work there and he got transferred to our location then back again). I said i understand his situation and painfully agreed with the break up because logic tells me there isn’t really nothing I could do to change his mind. I bade him goodbye and wished us both luck in our lives. He didn’t say anything after he said his piece of the need to establish himself.

    In the next two months that followed, I initiated contact from time to time (once or twice a month) to which he responded most of the time. Until last month when the final straw came. I deleted him off on my fb list after informing him that I just have to do this to forget him. He said nothing about it. We haven’t been in contact for a month now.

    I’ve got a pretty much grasp of our situation. In all honesty, I am still hoping we’d get back together. But I also do realize that working on this LDR is a real hard work. I could do it but the question is on his part.

    I don’t hate him but I can’t be friends with him either. I just couldn’t see him like that. Guilt sometimes eats me when I think of this, because deep down I know how good of a person he is.

    I just wish he had given me more explanation to answer the whys. 🙁

  6. How are you doing? Tried to give you a wee email Nina and it bounced back to me. If you see this – can you email me at my info at here address. Cheers X

  7. Hi Thea,

    Sorry for the email address, didn’t notice it. I am fine, but these days I am more on a melancholic stage. For the past week, I can’t help thinking about him again. I can’t help checking his facebook profile even if we are no longer friends. I feel so disappointed of myself and how slow I cope up with this kind of situation. After four or five months or so, I still feel the same way for this person, and memories make the feelings stronger. I don’t know what to do anymore. Since the break up, I’ve done all sorts of things to distract myself. Sorrounded myself with friends, went to new places, back to my old hobbies. But still, he is the first and last thing I think of everyday. When is this gonna end?

  8. hello i’m diana from mexico so my “boyfriend” more my husband leave me, after 6 years together, it was almost 3 months ago, i can´t let it go, we work together and he start to see someone else, i´m about to kill myself i can, i fucking try, to get him back, he´s so mean to me, i can´t please help me through this

  9. Hola Diana, Que pasa hija? I am sorry for your break up but certainly no man is worth killing yourself over NOR is anyone worth trying to “get back”. We can’t ever persuade, coerce, or convince someone to love us, stay with us, care for us. Unfortunately. It has to be of their own choice.

    So you need to be the one to stay with you, to care for you and to LOVE you honey.

    It’s no one else’s responsibility as much as we think it is. I can only listen to you, and try to assure you that you will get through this but I can’t really “Help” anyone else. They need to do it for themselves. I can share what’s worked for me or what hasn’t. The number one thing I believe that helps is to change our thoughts. The thoughts are the things the that give us the most pain. The thoughts can become worries. The fear of having to go it alone. The fear of never loving again. The fear of never being loved again.

    So I read books and listen to tracks that remind me to change the way I think. Byron Katie is the person who has changed my thinking more than anyone. Wayne Dyer too. But they may not work for you. You need to find your own who do. Don Miguel Ruiz maybe? I don’t know…but I do know that this guy is NOT the key to your happiness and well being. No one is. And why do you want someone in your life who is “MEAN” to you? Surround yourself with kind / loving / caring people. Surround yourself with people you aspire to be like.


    Happiness is the best revenge…x

  10. hello, i am going through somewhat of a break up. i was with my fiance for 5 years, and 2 months ago. she cheated on me on a business trip with a coworker that lives 2 states away. since then they have been speaking and having occasional phone sex, but havent hung out or anything. but we still hang out and with our situation i cant just leave her alone and go no contact. she still pays the cell phone bill, and takes me out for dinner, and we have been spending the night together and still having sex. but we are not in a relationship and i want her back. we still have a lot of fun together and everything goes great for a week untill he emails her. then he calls her names makes her feel horrible, then a day or two later apologizes and trys to make up. i have been talking to him as well through facebook and he says he doesnt want anything to do with her and is seeing other people. and that he wants to just remain friends with her. its just so hard, the reason i cant just leave her alone is when we see each other it feels so good, and everything goes so well. and she doesnt have any friends and her family isnt treating her the best, so in a way im kinda the only thing she has to keep her sane right now. i try not to let her see me jealous over this guy, and try to focus on us but its really hard. im kinda at a loss right now. i want to be with her, and i can tell she wants to be with me, but is also crossed with the guy she cheated on me with. she is emotionaly a wreck, she was diagnosed with ms, her family has been kinda pushing her away, and she sees that she is starting to lose me, and hates herself for what she has done. but how can i make the situation better and still be there for her? she knows how i feel and i could never just be friends, but i have to do someething. she also wrecked her car, so now i am her only way back from work. but i dont feel used, she pays for gas, and takes me out. its just a repeating cycle, monday he emails her to see how she is, then tuesday makes her feel horrible, then the rest of the week he tries to be cool. then the weekend comes and he treats her like crap and they dont speak, and she is with me. please help.

  11. i dont really believe in the whole no contact thing….i think for sure, limited and minimal contact…but i think its nice to keep lines of communication open if at all possible, partly because now i have done that instead of “going no contact” i no longer really feel the urge to constantly try and contact, as i know i can do anytime really and i wont have “broken the no contact” which seems to be something people stress about.

    i also think if there is any chance of a reconciliation it helps to be on speaking terms. you still have to be strong, and try not to contact someone all time time, ALSO i think as a lot of exes do say ..they wanna be friends, stay in touch..blah blah….it gives you a chance to see if they really mean it or are just saying it for effect at the time.
    never rule anything else thats what i say, minimal, limited contact does have the same effect i feel, maybe no contact atall for a couple of weeks is a good idea but not cutting ties completely…as it would be harder to reopen those lines of communication in the future.
    of course it depends on the nature of the breakup, and how heartbroken you are i suppose…but i just know that for me it has felt better to not contact him, but in the knowledge that i can if i would like too and i havnt failed.
    i just think the it can be a bit harsh….and why burn bridges?

  12. I think people need to do whatever works for them. I have seen more people have a better shot at reconciling when they DID go NC and for a good period of time – rather than trying to be chummy and in contact. But again it all depends on the people and the breakup. It’s way too hard to downshift to friends if you want more than they do though. Def don’t recommend that.

    Often better to go heal, do some self-work, and maybe on down the road reconnect (or not depending on how you feel…)

    But again we gotta do what works for us.

  13. Im not chumny, nor trying to be chummy, i soon realised from the start that wasnt a good idea, but for me cutting contact totally is a bit harsh is all. Everyones situation os different tho i spose. But i guess for me aswell im past the wanting to contact him all the time stage anyway…we just kindof agreed that we would ‘check in’ with each other occasionaly….and infeel better with that then i would if we wern speaking….even tho like i said im not gonna text him..but if and wen he does…i wont think twice about replying. I agree tryin to be matey is not a good idea tho…impossible even haha

  14. Thank your ex for breaking up with. Add,because now you are no longer responsible for meeting their needs. If there is a third party involved, thank them too. Same reason. Give this some thought. Make sure you are pretty sure you believe what you are saying. You may be surprised of the consequences. It’s very powerful stuff.

  15. You fear being vulnerable. Good idea. What happens tous in romantic love, our reproductive biology takes over,our emotions. We get holliwoodized. We stop thinking. We don’t recognize what we’re stepping into We’re about to become baby factories. Why do you think most married couples look pretty burned out after a couple kids Be skeptical

  16. My ex cuts me off about 2 months ago after i confronted him why he untagged all our pics on Facebook, unfollow my instagram and block me on wechat. After the confrontation he blocks me off everywhr including whatsapp.

    It has been 3 months now since we broke up….at first i can feel that he still care about me and the relationship and we would have been together again sometime down the road eventhough he has been soooo heartless during the time he is trying to break off with me. He broke up with me through text msgs on 9/2 and prepared all my things at his house for me to collect. Few days before this he was giving me the silence treatment…no contacts, no replies, no calls at all…then suddenly a response msg to break up!!

    2 days later after the msg of break up I went to his house and wanted to talk it through….i begged, i pleaded and put myself soooo low that i dont even know what dignity is anymore….but he was sooo firm and started giving me all his reasons, none of them are nice to hear at all. I even make a list of the reasons he gave to remind me everyday that this man who says love me and wanna marry me and who want to plan a future with me….has just dumped me, he forfeited our relationship and all our upcoming events/plans…and he has to do this right before Valentines Day knowing that we have planned something out for that….he even forfeited our trip together to Australia which is scheduled in March this year (its our 6months anniversary plus my bday trip) and he didnt even wish me on my bday itself….i was sooo disappointed….

    I have a feeling that right after we broke up he met someone else that he wanted to pursue and before he block me off i noticed that he is actively adding a lot of girls on FB and Intagram while he has unfollowed me untagged our pics and ignored me completely. 

    How can a man changes his face, attitude and feelings so quick like nothing? He used to love me so much, wont he even misses the time we spent together and care about me at all?

    We have mutual friends and he did not even ask them how i was doing after the break up till now, like i never existed….it really hurts…..i felt soooo stupid to even wanting him back after what he has said and done to me….but i guess im still lingering on the past sweet memories and all the promises he made to me….i wanted to believe what happened between us is real and it meant something to him….but when reality kicks in….i was sucked into the depression swirl again as i realised he doesnt even care at all….

    He even goes around telling my friends recently (like 1 week ago) that he wanted to break up for soooo long ago and has been trying soooo hard to hang on to the relationship because there is no more love and no feelings….he says im not his type of girl….and he was forced to stay in the relationship and follow all the plans that I made for us but y cant him discuss everything with me instead of agreeing and offering in the 1st place? He is in fact the one 
    who wanted all these plans to live together, get married next year and travel around with me!! And if im not his cup of tea why go after me and sleep with me and tell me how much I meant to him, make me fall for him, says he love me (even after our 1st break up which lasted only 2 days – he tells me that he loves me its just a break for him to gain his peace back etc)?! 

    im really screwed….please shed some light on me….to truly move on and get in him back subsequently…..im losing faith and hope as it has been 3 months now and with his speed and mode of flirting around now im extremely worried….im confident that i a good catch but i also cant deny the fact that though im such a good catch, i cant even keep the man i love and who once say want to spend the rest of his life with me and stop him from constantly flirting ard and meeting new girls. 

    Im trying so hard to move on….hitting the gym, hanging out with friends, travelling, shopping, eating etc….trying to keep myself busy…but nothing seems to interest me at all now….i keep falling back to square 1 back and forth, one time im ok the next minute im not….i wanted absolutely nothing but to get him back into my life. I know that i deserve much more better and i should not torture myself, i should love myself to gain my value and respect back….but i just cant control my emotions very well…..every now and then i will feel depressed about the matter all over again….though im exhausted from my busy schedules, i will still thought of him every now and then because we use to part of each other…..

    Im so confused and disappointed. ..looking back to all our conversations it feels like all are just bullshit and lies…y is he doing all these even after breaking up for 3 months?! Y keep hurting me and badmouth about me and put the blame on me even after so long?! 

    And I have been trying so hard to save the relationship and getting him back….I even kept the distance because he cuts me off completely to show my respect to him….but….y?! Will there still a chance to get him back for a new start or should i even be considering why would i want him back? I have asked myself this question sooo many times and i know i still love him despite what he has done or said to me….sigh….please help me 

  17. Hello, I was in a “relationship” with a women I met online for several months who lives in Europe where as I’m in the US. At first everything was perfect for the first 2.5 months and then she started to become distant. Yes she made all those promises and all saying she only wanted to experience the things of life with me, and how she will never leave my life and we made plans to move to the french riviera and I told her i’d come see her and all. Well at the 2.5 month point like I said she became distant and eventually shut me out and started to ignore me. She was still active on the site we met on talking to other people but ignoring me. It sucked because I had already told her I made plans to come see her. So a couple months later, I came not having spoken with her all that time. When I was there, she replied and TBO it was the best time of my life every day i spent with her.

    When I left, I told her I am coming back and when I do I won’t leave her again. She cried and all and was happy and for a good week after I was gone, we communicated as we originally did. The she started to phase again. I gave her space only contacting her about 2-x a week. She began to get annoyed and I would ask her about it and she made up some lie. I would ask about something she shared with me(medical related) and she instantly became defensive saying “it doesn’t matter”. I’ve seen this behavior before and that was from my ex who cheated sooooooooooo much. I didn’t accuse her of anything and just went with my internal thoughts. She became more and more distant and I wanted to call her but she would never reply.

    At one point i tried to have a talk with her but she said she can’t right now because she is “over strained”. I said OK and backed off for 2 weeks, then after than hiatus, I asked her what was wrong and what she was stressed about. She told me shes not stressed about anything and it doesn’t work with us. I already knew this was coming and its really shocking because this is not the person I knew whatsoever. I asked her why she was so quick to give up and if there was someone else, seeing a few weeks ago I addressed the issue with communicating and trying to improve our relationship and she agreed and to at least face time once a week yet never delivered on it. She disappeared for 45 mins and then I already got mad at that point. I replied saying well I guess that answers that and thanks for being honest with me.

    Believe me when I say this girl is a 10/10 and I have never pressured her, gave her rules, or intruded about her choices and all but one thing I do not do is play 2nd to anyone. She got very aggressive as she was already acting indifferent towards me and she told me “see this is what I mean! you have no patience. I told you to give me space and what did you do, write romance. I’m sorry! and that is the reason. Its enough for me and think what you want” I’m over here looking like =O as in wtf is this person?!?! I have been more than patient with her and she knows it and I told her and she tried to justify herself anyway possible. She then rudely stated she can’t handle it and told me to accept it please.

    Honestly i was numb but i was still furious as the amount of disrespect. I addressed her ignoring habits and she denied ever ignoring me. The I told her it was pretty much her loss and all the stuff I had planned even moving to see her and how I never cheated and how I loved her and went above and beyond for her and she replied “thank you for that”. I wasn’t finished as I was still mad as I later called her the monster her ex was to her(he cheated constantly on her like my ex did to me). She replied saying “so what do I do now after you you told me this? feel sad and come back? it make no sense” I told her I come 2nd to no man and I prefer her not to try to come back and I also told her to delete my number and that is she was sad or happy that it’s of no benefit to me. She never replied after that. I was still numb and went to sleep and several hours later i regretted what i told her and I do love her very much as she knows(though she never told me and I highly doubt she loves me if she did and acted this way). I then sent a SMS to her apologizing to her for what I said and some of the things I said to her were not true. I got not reply.

    The next day I asked to call her so I could just share what was on my spirit and no debates or arguments and she didn’t reply. The day after that I sent a message just telling her what I was going to say on the phone and told her I won’t contact her again unless she reaches out to me. So it has been over a month and I have heard nothing from her and it sucks because I was int he middle of moving to be to her where I had already bought the plane ticket, told my landlord and job I was leaving and all and got a new place. I want her back badly but this is honestly my last straw. I feel like I shouldn’t say anything to her until I am actually there to see if she is willing to talk now. I know she would not have acted in that way if I was there in person.

    I am extremely iffy about what is going to happen. I don’t need to do that improvement crap and all because I am fit, stable, attractive, tall, and have no problem getting women as I actually attract too many women, it becomes annoying. If I get there, and she acts the same or doesn’t even want to see me(which I highly doubt she won’t) then I will forever turn my back to her.

    By the time I will initiate contact, it will be 40 days but she is very stubborn(which I seem to like but DEFF not in this instance). 1 yr, 5 yrs, 15 yrs, 20 yrs, I will not look back and I stand firm on that to this day for anyone. I fight for what I love and believe in but I am no fool. I believe in forgiveness and I understand the distance could have worn her down and made her feel weary but the disrespect is no excuse. She promised me to talk to me if there was ever a problem from the beginning and she went completely against it. I don’t like shutting people out forever but I will if their actions speak on it. Some days I feel like things can go well when I am there and others I just feel like that plan will fail.

    To this day, some nights I still cry about this all. I have had losses and exes before but this one was really special and I was truly passionate about her and she knows it as she previously admitted it before. She knew I wanted to marry her as I was already window shopping for engagement rings. She was so passionate with me when I was there. She had said something about 2 months ago saying, “before you came it got weird and when you were here, it was so nice but after(when I left again) it got weird again”. Seemed she had been mentally evaluating the relationship for a while but actually comparing but how can she say I have no patience when I was the one trying to work out the kinks and I was the one reaching out? Sorry for jumping back and forth but NC does nothing for me as it’s just another mental game. If I wanted her cut out forever, I have no problem doing so.

  18. I am having a hard time following all the above. There was a lot there to contend with. How long was the relationship? It sounded pretty intense for something that seems to have been short? You knew someone a few months and were talking about moving to be near them? So you met and spent some time face too face, it went ok, then after you left she became more distant?

    I think you speak so black and white – using words like “never” and “forever” and all that is just pointless. None of us knows what will be will be.

    Go back to NC. She knows how you feel. If she felt the same – she could respond. If someone is pulling away and you try to hold on it pushes them further away.

    Focus on your own life, where you’re living the work you’re doing and fun you’re having. Some day your paths will cross or they will not but right now the time is to be apart.

    NC is just about healing. It’s not a game. Time and distance may change your perspective on things. You sound like you’ve behaved a little too intense for her. At least that’s how it comes across in the passage you left.

    I’ve done the trans-Atlantic thing (US-UK) and I totally get the weirdness after trips. I had that too. I also had the doubts! I ended up marrying the guy, and though I won’t say I regret it (because I am where I am as a result), let’s just say that it’s highly unlikely it would work anyway.

    It can sometimes be a case where we are caught up in the idea of it rather than the actuality.

    You may have been passionate about her but it sounds like her heart was never fully invested in this. I am sure she liked and fancied you (and maybe still does) but for whatever reason she held back. There may be another guy here or maybe it’s the distance or maybe she still feels like she wants to enjoy her freedom or any number of things.

    In any event be grateful you connected with someone for a while. Even if it didn’t last it’s still awesome when it happens. I know when it does we want more but we don’t always get more. We get what we get. If you connected to her you’ll connect to others. Or maybe even her again. Who knows…?

    The focus needs to be back on you and your own life and not trying to work out her and hers!

    Good luck.

  19. Hi! My ex and I were in a relationship for 3 solid years. 2 months ago we broke up, because he was hurt by some of my actions. We were never disrespectful towards each other, but there were times where I felt insecure and not prioritized in his life, and when I would bring this up he would get upset, only making me more upset. In his eyes, He never gave me reasons to feel insecure and it hurt him that I did. But he never communicated this with me, so we he ended the relationship because of it it was a huge surprise. When we broke up I acknowledged my mistakes, and told him that this was something I could definitely work on because I would never intentionally hurt him. All he says is that he is really hurt and is afraid of it happening again. Throughout the two months of our break up, the longest weve gone without talking was for a week. Were still in contact, and when I try to distance myself from him he gets upset. He wants to be friends and hang out, but says he is still not in the right place to start our relationship again because he is still hurt by the break up. I am afraid that I will have my hopes up if we start to hang out again, but I also feel like this could be a way of him remembering how good our relationship was and that we can actually work on things. Help!

  20. Sweetie I understand the compulsion to be friends with him in hopes of making him remember how fab you are, and to not upset him, but right now his feelings are not your concern. It’s way too hard to be his pal – downshifting to friends and that temptation of falling into intimacy which is easily done. Take a step back and explain you need some time to heal and process and you can’t do that being his pal right now. Your healing is utmost of importance so please please take a break. It will be hard (on both of you) but you’re already living through a protracted breakup and that continued contact is making it even MORE protracted. Take care of yourself right now….and stop worrying about HIM and his feelings etc. You gotta look after you.


  21. Hey,so me and my Ex broke like a week ago.He wanted it because Ït didn’t pass anymore.” And three days later I was out with my girls trying to heel and take my mind off the pain and I met him accidently at a bar.So at one point a mutual friend of ours came and was talking to me the whole night and my ex was allways starring at us(even when the guy wasn’t there he was starring at me),every time he went to the toilet went between us and I recieved a messege from him that it looks like i have soething with this guy because I have been talking to him(he was actually asking me if I was ok and how I am doing with the situation ) and was then a little bitchy.
    I don’t know If this means something,or if I should get my hopes up at all that we can get back together or just let it go.

  22. Hi so I’m also having an extremely hard time getting over an ex. We had been dating for 5 months which I know isn’t that long but they were the best 5 moths of my life. and everything seemed to be going perfect we were seeing each at least 3-4 times a week I had met his family and friends and he had met mine. We always had amazing dates wether it would be a scary movie at his house or a romantic dinner or even stupid little things like staying up till 4 am just cuddling . It about a week before he ended things I was over and was reassured that everything was okay. So the following week since he assured me everything was good and I had asked where we stood. That’s when My whole world came crashing down. He told me over text that he didn’t feel the same way I did that I didn’t do Anything wrong at all but he just wasn’t there yet. That we had been seeing each other long enough to where it was time to make a decision either way I honestly didn’t know what to do or how to react. Instead of lashing out and going crazy I somehow kept my cool and made it seem like I was okay with it even though deep down I was really really not okay. He told me he’d see me around and that was it. I still see him due to us working out at the same gym around the same time and in passing since he lives right down the road from me. Although I have to speak to him it’s killing me inside and I want answers. Everything was so perfect so where did it go wrong. The times I do see him he doesn’t seem himself or act like himself and has been doing things he normally wouldn’t do. His sister and friends still come and take with me and make an effort to be nice but I get nothing from him except when he’s by himself (I’ve heard from others) Im just lost and don’t know how to go about this. Was he scared , did he have any intentions of us ever being together. He did get out of a pretty rough relationship about a year and a half ago so I don’t know if it was too soon or he really just didn’t care for me anymore.

  23. Hi.. I had a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for more than a year.. There were these fights which is very normal in any relationship.. but at the end we used to sort out everything.. After our parents met for arranging our marriage(Indian tradition), there were some bitter talks between our parents and so between us. After few days he called up and broke up with me.. He said we were not compatible enough and that his parents were not happy with our relationship so he doesn’t want to go against his parents. I really love him and he loved me too.. He has cut off all the contacts.. he is not replying to my texts.. but I still love him.. I want him back in my life.. Is there any way that I can try and win him back in my life because I am truly in love with him

  24. My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago .. we were at an engagement party and the discussion about marriage came up, we’d been drinking and the conversation took an emotional turn (on my part) which i acknowledge wasn’t particularly great. anyway half way through the convo he decided at 1130pm at night to pack his stuff up leave and end the relationship entirely stating that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and that he felt like i was falling further in love with him and he was feeling like there just wasn’t a spark between us anymore … thing is he’d introduced me to his family the weekend before and he had started staying at my place more frequently during the week all signs pointed to him feeling the spark and developing deeper feelings we also talked everyday sometimes him even calling me on his 1hr long drive home from work in the afternoon … I’ve only contacted him since the break up a few times but in regards to unemotional stuff like stuff i left at his etc (the one time It was remotely emotional which was about me coming across a note, i got no reply). His facebook still has our photos up and i’m still friends with all his friends as well. I guess I’m just wondering how he can go from constant contact and introducing me into his life to not contacting me at all? almost like it never happened in the space of a week or so … its just got me a little perplexed and maybe thats what his hoping .. I dunno this is probably the most confusing break ups I’ve actually ever had because it happened so fast and due to us being fairly independant in the relationship I’m actually fine in my own company and am managing a lot better then I thought I would …

  25. Hi there. my ex and I recently broke up about a week ago due to a lot of arguing back and forth, both agreeing on how if we do get back together it’s meant to be. These past few days have been absolutely horrible. A few days ago I was balling, because I noticed that she kissed a boy on the cheek which caused me to get upset towards her and practically say return everything I gave you and to not talk to me anymore until I’m over this. She has done this before with other friends when I was with her, but since we broke up I feel like she did this just to get me upset. Before I noticed this I texted her saying that I love her and I truly do miss her and she replied the same, but still saying that it’s best that we move on. It’s so hard to move on, and it kills me slowly on the inside because she was such a good person towards me, always getting me little gifts and sparing her time just to be with me, but this all changed about a month ago. She started acting different towards me, she couldn’t even spare time to drive to my place which was a few minutes away, and when she moved in with her friends, she started to kinda block me out entirely. I know I may seem like a fool for saying this, but I truly can see that she was an amazing person and she is the one that I am looking for. I also know that actions speak louder and words, but could these words mean anything? I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I feel like if I don’t try just one last time (if it is possible), ill be devastated for ages to come. I really need help with this, because I know I have to move on, but at the same time, deep down in my heart, that I want to give this relationship one last chance. I really need this advice asap because I don’t know how to deal with this. I love her and miss her and I can’t deal with this thought much longer.

  26. Hi. My ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago. We dated for four months which I know isn’t very long, but things moved very quickly in that time. She was essentially living with me after the first 2 weeks . I have small children from a prior marriage, which obviously very much complicated things and she would stay at her apartment when they were with me. I’m 5 years older than her both in our 30s. Not to boast, but we are both very physically attractive. The attraction was very strong initially with an equal amount of admiration for each other up until the last 2 weeks. We had met each other’s families, gone on trips, were planning more trips etc. We had a lot of fun together. Initially, she seemed quite fine with the fact I had children and knew that I was not certain if I wanted more, but reality set in a little for her. Obviously her clock is ticking, and mines close to expired to put it simply. In the end she said our paths were just different and we wanted different things. I can’t argue with her because I’m very much confined by my past and love my children with all my heart. But I miss her like hell. She was literally like a dream until she became distant. So my challenge now is trying to come to grips with how something so good went wrong so fast. I know it was fueled by a lot of things such as kids, my ex, etc that are beyond my control. But there’s this part of me that wants to believe that she just lost her attraction for me. Otherwise, how else could she tell me prior to her becoming distant that she wanted to be with me forever and meeting me made her realize why other relationships never really worked for her. I know I’m overanalyzing. In the end it’s probably everything added up, but I struggle with it. Once she became distant, the spark very much dissipated. No more laughing at jokes, sweetness, etc. Part of it was also my reluctance to be definitive in what I want, which I’ve beat myself up on. But I’d love to be back together with her. I have been pretty good about no contact, but that’s not gonna work with her. She’s very desirable so I sense moving on if she hasn’t already is the reality. I just hate seeing this potential with her and feeling like it’s being thrown away. And since I’d say it was more her decision to part ways, playing this self improvement no contact game to come from a place of strength is somewhat pointless if she’s moving on. I would say now she doesn’t really want much of anything to do with me so I’m trying to move on. Its just damn hard. Anyways, just venting… Thoughts are welcome.

  27. Hi,

    It has been a hard christmas. Maybe the mind was also reminiscing last christmas we were so happy.

    My ex, V and I broke up a week ago, after 1.5 years being together. He wanted to give up abt 8 weeks ago, but being in a long distance I asked if we should do a last try (we’ve been flying between Sweden and Australia to see each other) So I flew 16000km to shorten the distance in hope that it would make a difference.

    V seems to have made his mind. I think the problem was he’s been bottling up most of the issues so when I arrived in sweden hes just sooo angry at rverything. Mainly was this guy I used to date. Because for a few months when we first started this guy keep pestering me. And sometimes I have to reply him as we are in the same climbing community. I guess I thought being transparent was going to help V and I. But I guess he was insecure and he felt unimportant but he didnt really tell me.

    So by time I found out, he has burst. It went downhill a month before I flew to Sweden. He kept bursting and I couldnt understand. And now I found out that the medication I took gave me a side effect of feeling low so I didnt handle it well. I became needy and more clingy as I feel he was detachibg, and feel so low. I only realised it was the medication after I was in sweden and i finished the prescription.

    When I was there, he was angry all the time, and he kept saying he cant trust me and he cant forgive me and he dont want to do this anymore. And regarding the guy I previously was dating before V in anger he said he rather forgive me if i cheated (which my sister thinks hes being ridiculous and not make sense). That this relationship is eating him and he feels like he will die of depression from it. But it wasnt all bad, we have so much good memories too, a few firsts like going to the cinema. We still do things we enjoy like climbing and baking/ cooking and eat together. We basically do everything together and I could see he really love me still but something is holding him back. Like he didnt want to have sex, or be close. He hugs me but thats abt it

    But towards the end I was focusing on how to say goodbye and not doing things ill regret. I gave him xmas presents (year before i didnt have time to get him any as my grandpa passed away) it wasnt a splurge, more of things we cherished. And he cried, so much. He asked me to stay in KL after Sweden so I wont be alone during the holidays, he asked me to do it for him. And the last few days before my flight he cried so much, WE cried so much. He proposed that maybe when I fly that 17th shouldnt be the last we see of each other, and perhaps we can arrange to meet a year + later – at first i detest of the idea, because a lot could happen in a year. But by time i was at the airport i felt like i want it too. But he seems to have lessen the time frame to a year or less. He said he still want to talk to me but he needed a few weeks for some space but theres an exception of special holidays. He said he still love me although we are ending. I left with us saying ’till we see each other next time’ in hugs and tears

    I did NC for 7 days and reflect back on my 50 days in Sweden. In some ways this breakup w Viktor is different. Im more collected. I cry, but not so much. Because idk why but maybe coz i understand (?). And knowing he loves me still and although he choose this he’s hurting too.

    I felt like I promised him we will exchange wishes and to be a better person I cant back out – or ill be a hypocrite and how is that making myself a better person?. I wished him a simple text hoping hes having a great time with his family and that i was thinking of him. His reply was ’thank you. Merry christmas’

    And he replied very quickly which was unexpected and for some reason all of the feeling ok during NC, I felt bad with the reply. I didnt continue the conversation. I didnt want him to feel suffocated, and i wanted to respect him asking me for some time.

    But since xmas eve ive been feeling so sad and i couldnt help crying.

    I keep wishing theres a way to fix this with perseverence and patience. And i guess im scared that altho im working on myself he might just give up, or even if he manage to sort out his feelings, we have 16000 kms between us.

    What can I do?

    Helpless and still in love with him,

  28. Hello,
    My ex and I met 7 months ago out dancing, he actually told him friends, “see that girl, I am going to go dance with her” and he did win my attention away from another guy. On our second date he told me not to fall in love with him as he was moving back home across the country. At this point I didnt even know him and laughed it off, he then contacted me every day and came over every day and helped me with moving into my house. We unexpectedly got pregnant which I told him to still move home and he doesnt need to be involved. He then said no we are in a committed relationship, we did 3.5 months of long distance and our communication was fantastic. He texted me every morning, and throughout the day and we video called every night. We sadly lost the baby and he was very supportive and accepted me into his family over the holidays to deal with the loss together. Then when he moved back home we went on a trip and had a fantastic time, we talked about traveling with our kids one day and retiring in a warm place. When we got back reality he started to struggle, with going to work again after 6 months or more of no employment, his dads terminal illness and life really. He started to get short with me and less affectionate with me. When we finally talked he told me he was not capable of a relationship, he loved me but he just couldn’t because of financial reasons, emotionally, mentally and physically not ready. We tried a week of seeing if we could work it out and he said no I am too stressed out and this isnt fair to you or myself, we need to end this. We both bawled our eyes out to each other, he still wants to be apart of my life going to movies, talking, dinners and he still loves me and always will. He said how I have been the best gf he has ever had and the only one his entire family and friends loved. He has not had a relationship in about 10 years and only a 2 month one about 4 years ago. He is use to being on his own and not thinking of others.
    Are all the signs there that he is not ready from the start? or is he just scared to let me in and put the work into us? I am wondering if there is any hope he will come back to me?
    When we did break up I stopped talking to him and he messaged me every day for three days until I stopped by to talk, when it was final final I stopped talking to him and it took him 4 days to message me saying “he wasnt sure if he should or how he should but he misses me there is no two ways around it, of course its only been a week, and then thanking me for sending his moms cards” I replied with a youre welcome and then he messaged again saying how he hasnt told anyone about us breaking up, I did not respond.
    What advice can you give me?

  29. I’m sorry! He did warn you saying, “I’m not capable of a relationship.”
    Sounds like he needs to work on himself first!
    My advice is to kindly ask him or go therapy to work on himself to have a realtionship, to better himself for you.
    Come to comprise on what to do, if he’s willing to change to better himself for you.
    I think if he really loves and misses you, he do anything to better himself for you to have a relationship!
    And if he can’t do that baby girl, you need to make a leap in your life and move forward.
    Keep your options open to if he don’t come around.
    Also, I think he stringing you along with words with you, it’s not your fault. Here’s why; he said,” he hasn’t told anyone he broke up with you”. No need tell you things like that. -You either break up cut off all commutation, or work things out if you guys care enough.
    You don’t want to be a sitting duck on someone who plans to lead you on and not give you what you want desevere in life.

    Hope that gave clarity and hope the very best!

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