HELP: 10 Ways to Empower Yourself After a Break Up (or Just ‘Cause)

10 Ways to Empower Yourself


The word “empowerment” is not a new word. In fact the word ‘empower’ dates back to the mid-17th century when it was used in a legal capacity meaning “to invest with authority, authorise.” But these days both words have become buzzwords to better ourselves or to become more assertive and proactive. I’ve started to compile a list of various ways you can focus your time and energy in order to look or feel better about your life. Feel free to add your comments at the end.

1) Change Your Surroundings

Sometimes we all need a change in our lives – which can be something as simple as moving your furniture around, swapping artwork on your wall about, or buying some cushions or curtains.

My favourite suggestion in this particular area is always to buy new bedding. Some people have been more extreme and bought whole new beds, but in my case buying new bedding seemed to work a treat. But “to each their own”.

Painting is another inexpensive way to make your surroundings different or more your own.

2) Take Up Something New

Over the years, I’ve been inspired by people taking up sports, hobbies, and even learning new languages. I’ve seen site members jump out of airplanes, start Akido, take up knitting, learn the guitar, or even motorcycle riding,….

It doesn’t matter what it is – just that it’s something new and exciting…Or maybe even something you used to enjoy but had stopped doing for whatever reason. One site member actually wanted to go Husky sledding her whole life and did just that. Twice now!

What are you interested in? There’s bound to be something.

3) Treat Yourself to Something Big (or Small)

It can be big or small depending on your desires and financial situation! Sometimes it feels good to pick up something small like a book or CD, but other days it’s a bigger purchase item like a new TV or Computer. There’s nothing like giving yourself a bit of boost in confidence by making your own decisions.

But if you don’t have the money – don’t get yourself into debt all for the sake of a bit of retail therapy.

4) Take a Trip

If you don’t have the desire or funding to head off on an “around the world” trip, then perhaps settle for something like a weekend break in your country or abroad.

In 2006 when I lost my job, I decided to fly to New York, rent a car and took five weeks to drive across America. It was one of the best experiences of my life. These days there are more and more solo holiday companies geared for the singles market…so even if you don’t have someone to travel with – there’s no need to put off that trip any more.

5) Get Some Part Time Work

If you don’t have a job already, getting some work can be an incredibly rewarding and empowering thing to do. If you do have a job already, but want extra cash or to meet some new people, then it’s also a win/win.

As someone who’s predominantly worked from home for a decade now – I know just how essential it is to make money, but more importantly, to connect with the outside world.

6) Take a Class

Any good with computers? No? Take a class. Fancy speaking a foreign language? What better way than in a class setting where you can meet new people and practice with live people? Perhaps you’re crafty and could take a scrap-booking class, or jewellery making. You may discover you’ve got hidden talents you never knew you had! Maybe you like art? You might consider taking a life drawing or painting class, or if you’d rather an art appreciation class. It’s down to you. But either way, it gets you meeting new, like-minded people and you might learn a thing or two. Again, win/win.

7) Volunteer

Sometimes we can all use a little perspective. When we are reeling from a break-up and feel like life is so horrible – all it takes is a moment to hear someone else’s problems to make us realise how fortunate we are. So why not volunteer at a local shelter, retirement home, to be a Big Brother or Big Sister, or in charity shop?

It’s often said that “there are always people out there who are worse off than you” and sometimes we need to see it to be reminded of it.

One member, IslandSky, has taken volunteering to the extreme. A year after his break-up he joined the US Peace Corps and moved halfway around the world from America to Africa. Turned out to be an amazing opportunity to see the world, learn new things and help others. Each time he’d check-in, he would describe what he was doing as – “incredible”.

Again find something that is a cause you can get behind – be it homelessness, cancer, the aged or children’s groups – and give them a phone. Genuinely helping other people is one of the best ways to help yourself.

8 ) Improve Yourself

This is a far-reaching suggestion, I know. To me, this can be setting goals for myself, getting fit and healthy or even having a make over.

We’ve all heard that “change your hair, change your man” – and sometimes a new do is all you need to look and feel great about yourself  again (and to get your mojo back!)

Improving yourself can also entail taking seminars on standard subjects such as how to make money, invest in property, develop self-confidence or even to learn how to flirt!

What areas of your life lead room for improvement? Once you know that, you can find a way to change it.

“I got my bellybutton pierced. It was something my ex wouldn’t have approved of, but I’d always wanted to do. I’d lost a bunch of weight and had a gorgeous flat tummy, and felt so sexy, so I decided to go for it and I am so glad I did”. Says Mags.

9) Reconnect With Old Friends

We can all be a bit guilty of letting friendships slip at the best of times…so take a moment and think about people you’ve lost touch with for whatever reason. Maybe you had a fall out, maybe you just drifted apart, but there’s bound to be someone in your past that you miss and would like to spend time with again.

Have a think. I know I have a few girlfriends who I miss, in fact one of them more than all my exes combined. . .I should take my own advice on this one!

10) Write a Novel

Yes really! Every November, NaNoWriMo takes place. All you have to do is write 50,000 words – which I know sounds like a lot, but truly it’s not that hard. In fact, it’s less than two thousand words a day!

I’ve already done it three times and I’d do it again this year…It’s more constructive than wallowing in self-pity or blobbing in front of the tube on such a dark month! Give it a try in 2009 – nanowrimo.org

These are just ten the ways to empower yourself. There are literally thousands.

What things did you do to help empower yourself after a break up or when you just needed a change in direction?

40 thoughts on “HELP: 10 Ways to Empower Yourself After a Break Up (or Just ‘Cause)

  1. My boyfriend wants to take a “break” and i still go over to his house everyday, amd sleep with him every night but I feel like the only time he wants to show effection now is at night time.

  2. Right if your boyfriend says he wants a break then he’s technically not your boyfriend. I know how tempting it is to keep going over there and sleeping with him because you long to be so close but it’s likely you’ll be better off if you’re strong and make a clean break and let him actually miss you not just keep USING you because he’s horny or the sex is good. Give him a chance to see what life actually is like without you. Most people are too scared to do that because they don’t trust that it will work out but it always does eventually. If the guy is meant for you he won’t “forget you” when he’s out of sight. So don’t be so desperate. Be a strong, wonderful, self respecting woman who doesn’t need to accept crumbs from a guy who only treats her with love and respect at night time when he’s horny.

    Don’t let fear keeping you hostage to desperation. “You said you wanted to take a break so that’s what we should do. If we’re meant to be together we can re-assess in the future. For now though, you can’t have it both ways. If you decide you do want to remain in a committed relationship then we can talk about but for now we need distance”. Or words to that effect.

    I know going without the sex is a total drag but really – be worthy of more than the scraps ok? Good luck.

  3. after a really hard break up with a guy that pro posed to me, we have been on and off for a year and recently he just stopped talking to me. I found out later that he is back with his ex girlfriend from years ago. I feel very confused and heart broken that I wasnt the “one” now I dont really know what to do?

  4. thea..what a great reply.we need to value ourselves.and be stronger as women.in my situation i find it seems to be a taboo to show you care .it is really sad.

  5. Thanks for the comment Ms J. I know it can seem taboo – I try to behave however I feel led to regardless of how others (including an ex) might interpret it. In other words I am to be myself and operate on the “What you think of me is none of my business” sort of mode 🙂 x

  6. im confused , hurt and still in love with a guy who wanted to be with me but I pushed him away even tho we lasted a year but i kept pushing and pushing and one day i pushed him too far and he stop talking to me and I havent heard from since. I cry and I pray to God to bring him back because I realize I really was in love with him but i was scared to let him in and let him love me the way i deserve but i pushed and now hes gone and i dont blame him I was a basketcase but im not mad at him im just sad and wish he would return so I can give love a chance again unlike i did the first time. My friends tell me he was no good by the things i would go complaining to them about how he did me but they didnt know the sweet kind love he showed me and gave me when he was there for me and supported me. I guess i wasnt ready for love but i wanted to be ready so bad but My emotions couldnt handle it. I can tell im growing up emotionally because i dont wish bad for him or anything i just want him happy and if hes happy somewhere else than i will try to let it go and just love him seperately. Thank you for letting me vent and express my feelings. I hope the next time im on here im in a better place.

  7. If your friends tell you that he was no good because of the things you were complaining about then it’s worth remembering that fact. When I hear stories like yours I tend to think it’s more a case of “forbidden fruit” then the fact you actually loved him. Yes there can be elements of self sabotage in us and sometimes we push them away but I also think if you really DID love this guy you wouldn’t of. You only wanted him once he finally walked. I know I’ve done that before too!

    It’s good you wish for his happiness. That’s a good energy to be putting out and it always comes bouncing back in some way. You’re young (I am guessing?) and he is too (likely) and you never know – once you have BOTH done some growing and healing – your paths my cross again.

    He may end up in your life as a friend or more.

    Give it some time for both of you to heal and then after that time has elapsed, write him a note THANKING HIM for the affect he had on your life. Let him know he touched it and you valued him. Maybe take the time to apologise for your actions at some times. Let him know it wasn’t about HIM but only your reaction to him.

    Just a thought. You don’t have to. I suspect he’s not GONE FOREVER…time will tell. Thanks for the comment! x

  8. I don’t know if you’re still on here.. but I just started a break with my girlfriend. I too, pushed her away. I wasn’t ready for the love she was able to give me. Neither of us treated each other awful, but there was a lot of obsession on the relationship, and that created a lot of arguing. She now wants space. We are going to therapy once a week, but I have deep seeded fears that I am not good enough for her because she can love better than I can. I pray that my awakening these past few weeks will allow me to show her the love she deserves, but I am not sure her heart feels safe with mine.

    She says she wants space but all I want to do is love her. I suppose, for now atleast, I will have to love her from afar, and trust that the Universe is holding my best intention in its hand.

    I needed to vent. Thank you. Any support, advice, or trust you can offer me about how to let this Pisces back into a safe and trusting place in my life is appreciated.

    Take care,

  9. My fiancé of 2 years has just broke up with me. He says he hasn’t been happy for months and he thought he could get over it but with all that we got pregnant and it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy he says its not about the baby he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore I just don’t understand what I have done wrong. It hurts do much I honestly thought we would be together for ever especially as he asked me to marry him I don’t get what happened I’m so confused with everything the baby and him I just don’t know how to cope with it all this has all happened within 3 weeks since my op.

  10. Hello Al sorry for my delay in replying to your comment. I am a bit swamped by comments now…I am sorry to hear about the break up with the fiance and the ectopic pregnancy.

    I know how it feels to feel like you’re going to be with someone forever and for them to just walk away leaving you blind-sided. I don’t think it sounds as though you were guilty of doing ANYTHING wrong hon. He probably had been feeling it for a while – didn’t say anything – the pregnancy came along and it was some sort of trigger to get out.

    You’re going through a double whammy no doubt and that will take some time to bounce back from. But what you can’t do is sit and navel gaze trying to work out what is in someone else’s head. It doesn’t work. You’re not a mind reader. He probably doesn’t even know what’s in his head at this moment you know?

    He went through some shock too. Not as much as you of course, but this must all be swirling in his head a bit too. You’re going to cope by basically taking everyone MOMENT TO MOMENT only. If you start to think too far down the road you’ll probably end up with panic attacks or something.

    So focus on mini bites. One moment at a time. Have all the practicalities been dealt with – shared living stuff? Bills? Personal items? Anything like that? Are you still in contact or no?

    I hope you have some friends you can call on for support at a time like this…for those moments you need some “tea and sympathy!”

    You take care lovely – you’re going to get through this. You’re going to be happy again and it’s just going to be a case of it taking some time, ok? Trust me! x

  11. Hi I’m going through a messy divorce at the moment and I’m finding it really hard! I feel ive rushed into something and I’m back to square one! I went on this dating website and got chatting to this guy who seemed nice! We were chatting for about a month or two then we decided to meet! We met a couple of times and one thing led to another! I honestly felt fine afterwards but he didn’t react the way i thought he would! think it was a panic to be with someone and now as we’ve stopped messaging I feel quite depressed and how I felt when my husband first left! Is this normal? I’m panicking that I’ll never find someone again!

  12. Yes it’s normal. Sadly. Also why I recommend that people take a good year or so off after a big break up to heal and not try to “distract” themselves with dating sites…but frankly everyone does it. And arguably you could have had this happen 2 years after your divorce…and still be bummed.

    The thing to think about is that getting into a PANIC about not having a relationship or worrying you’ll never get one is both counterproductive and will only make you feel worse. Besides it’s probably not even true!

    If you loved once you’re more likely to love again as long as you remain OPEN to it.

    For now focus on you SOLO. Not worrying about being part of a duo. Be the kind of person anyone would be lucky to be with! Happy, healthy, positive, confident, witty, articulate, engaging…with a FULL life.

    Are you that?

    Bed time…night x

  13. Thea- I hav been involved with my boyfriend for 6 years. 5 in which I was a heavy drinker,he met me knowing I drank but not knowing that I was an alcoholic. Our relationship in that time was physically and mentally abusive,the fights occured when he was sober,but told me I made him so mad. I have been sober now for over a year,there is no physical abuse anymore. But me just being sober is never enough,I work full time,and am enrolled in school. We also lost a baby,and he tells me to get over it. He always wants to go to bars and listen to music and socialize,but I have wasted enough of my time there already. He has also been hanging out with one of his co workers, whos a girl, but I am not kidding when I say she is a form of what I was one year ago, to the tee. He says he understands why I would feel insulted but I am not going to tell him what he can and cannot do. I just want a better life for us,I am not trying to control him,but that is how he feels, he said he needs space so he can go out and hav fun without anyone gripping at him,but he knows how dependent I am on him,and I am glad I am sober,but that wasn’t enough,he is mad at me now because I expect him to be more grown up and that I need to live a healthy style so I am asking him to do things outside of bars. I don’t know why I can’t move on,I am so fragile,yet strong enough to bet a 15yr addiction,advice

  14. Thea- Im feeling so devasted. My current boyfriend and I have been fighting almost every single day because over the year our trust has been broken. I always have given him the benefit of the doubt. A few nights ago he told me he was going out to eat with his uncle, it was around 11pm and I was supposed to head to his apartment by that time. I drove by his house and he was home with a unfamiliar car parked right behind him. I walked to the front steps and hear everything. I was completely morfied, he later called me and said he just got home and he was waiting for me to come over and sleep with him. He doesnt know that I know, but its killing me inside. I went to his house and once i walked in he hugged me and said i missed you all day princess. I wanted to slap him. I layed next to him that night because it felt so right but its so wrong. I don’t know how to go about this anymore. Im always there for him, also his apartment and electricy, cable and phone is all under my name. I can’t deal anymore but its so hard to walk away, I need some advice please. What am i not seeing, why am i in denial?

  15. I am in love with a girl, so is she. We loves each other very much but due to some family problems she leaves me alone and she got married. Now i feel very alone without her. I don’t like to talk don’t like to work don’t like to smile. What should i do? How can i forgot my past?

  16. Hi Thea, this is as complicated as it gets. While im just wanting to take off all the hurt, anger, betrayal, etc. from my chest; dont really know where this will lead. Am married with 2 kids – 17 & 15. Married to a man who loves me no end. However, no sex between us for the past 8 yrs (he was alcoholic & got clean). I was in a relation with my ex Mr K (he’s married with 2 kids as well). He’s been my rock & knows me even better than i know myself. Last year I met a friend (Mr B) and over time we got involved. Now Mr B (married with 2 kids as well) is very clear – only sex, no getting emotional… which i agreed at first but found myself getting emotionally involved to a point of no return. Now Mr B has backed off as he knows it has got complicated. Mr K has been aware of the entire scene & he too has backed off. This may sound horrible & I may look like an a********; but am still hurting for Mr B & longing for my friend back – Mr K. Do you have any advice. Thankfully my family is not aware of any of the above.

  17. Oh boy that is complicated you’re right. The problem with something like this is that it shows you what you’ve been missing. Is there any way that you and your husband could see a counselor / sex therapist and find a way to reconnect that way so you don’t need these other men? How would you feel to know he’d been sleeping with other women and finding joy in those connections? Would you mind? Is it maybe time to get out of the sexless marriage?

    You have no control over anyone but yourself here. That’s the clencher. We may wish/hope/dream that these guys want to be with us etc…but it doesn’t make it happen. We have to RELEASE our attachment to any outcome which is hard to do. It’s also hard for we women to have sex without attaching. It’s in our nature. Drag that.

    I don’t really have any sage advice on this one. My personal preference is people do aim to make the one their in work before adding other people into the mix (no judgement here though!)

    Hope you start to feel better soon. This doesn’t sound like a fun situation to be in – as you say it sounds complicated! Stressful. Sad. Disappointing. Frustrating. Good luck and keep me posted!

  18. Thanks for the post… sure as hell – it stuff thats like in ur face & u dont want to face. Ur right – I need to get out of these situations & attachments. While I try so very hard… keep falling all the while… make stupid mistakes – like leave messages, calls, etc… cant just get myself out of this mess.
    Guess its just a matter of time. Thanks dear.

  19. Thea, My boyfriend has just broken up with me last week, i cry all the time still!
    I just don’t know how to get over it, he won’t let me try to help him through what he’s feeling, he spent two hours telling me how much he loves me and how suited we are, and then tore my heart out by saying he wouldnt appreciate me enough and doesnt deserve me.

    I just dont know how to get over someone who reciprocates your feelings but can’t be with you for some weird reasons. How do i do it?

  20. Hi , well I’m a teenager . & There’s this guy Eliza my ex which yesterday was my boyfriend . We broke up , well actually he broke up with me because my ex ( at that time ) Alex kept flirting with me & he said he couldn’t take it even though he likes me alot , this is like the 3rd time we had this discussion , the first time he broke up with me & an hour later he messaged me saying he couldn’t get me off his mind & he asked me to take him back . I did , the second time & 3rd were just discussions & well now it’s an end . He dosn’t like that my ex flirts with me . That’s what he would tell me , & then his friends told him i flirt with Alex as well which isn’t true i didn’t beg him to go back out with me , i actually said I think it’s better this way . Thinking he would come back like the first time . I really like him , alot . What can I do ? I don’t have class with him but we’re in the same grade school sit in the same table at lunch , everything . I’m not trying to leave the table .. I want him back , i wont show it , but i’m just really sad & what can I do to make him realize it’s not worth breaking up for ? What will make him want me back .. Thank you .

  21. Hello hon…how are you doing now? I am so sorry for not replying sooner. I can’t seem to get any notifications of blog posts so I never know when people write now.

    Sounds like a confusing time to be sure. Relationships are based on trust and you can’t help how anyone else treats you…You can only be responsible for yourself. I can appreciate your latest ex feels insecure about previous exes though – that’s pretty natural.

    I know you feel sad (or least did when you posted) but really the way through is to work on things that make you happy, busy, social, smart etc because these are attractive qualities. The fun and interesting girl will always be more appealing than the sad mopey one! So even if you’re not feeling it do you best to slap on a smile and love life a little. It’s contagious. You’ll attract other people like that to you if you do as well.

    Let me know how you’re doing now. Your ex is not the key to your happiness…YOU ARE. So yes it’s natural to feel sad after a split – we all do but you will get over this and be happy again. It starts with what’s inside of you.

    Hugs xx

  22. My boyfriend split up with me two months ago, it was, complete ly unexpected and I have never felt so down in my life, we’d made plans for the future and told each other that no matter what happens or how hard the distance was we’s stay together,I honestly thought that he was my soulmate so not only am I dealing with my loss im also battling against myself and my poor judgement, we tried to stay friends but it was to hard for me, now we don’t talk at all, he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday, im finding it so hard not knowing what he’s thinking and whether he still cares, I wish I could move on but I just don’t seem to be able too.

  23. Lucie I know how you feel exactly my boyfriend had issues and told me he would never be good enough for me, even though I love him terribly and think he’s wrong. It makes it so much harder to get over him and I don’t know how either

  24. So I am going through a very difficult breakup. To make a long story short , I had just got out of a really hard relationship last winter. I was with the person on and off for about 3 years. It was my first “mature” relationship, meaning after college. She was very close to my family and everyone adores her. I just was not ready. So we had been seperated for a while until I realized I was ready and wanted her to be mine again. She couldn’t give me a commitment and I was forced to move on. I met this fantastic girl I the summer and fell I love immediately. But low and behold, as soon as my ex caught wind she started to manifest in the form of calling my mother and telling her that she wanted me back. This complicated things for me mentally and out of spite got deeper and deeper with my new girl. I was doing all the things for her that I wanted to do for my ex. But I would also lash out at her because she wasn’t my ex and they had very different personalities.

    I moved in with my new girl and things were tough, it was very rough for us and I began to conjure up thoughts of unhappiness. I don’t know if I ever truly loved her like I thought I did. I don’t know if I just projected the life I wanted with my ex on to her. I reached out to another girl I had met because I couldn’t really confide in anyone around me for there obvious bias. It was never about having sex with someone else but my girlfriend couldn’t forgive me and kicked me out. It’s been about two months and I have tried everything. Mean things were said, we kept sleeping together for a little but she says she just can’t look at me the same way anymore. I don’t know if this was a sign that she wasn’t the one and I was leading a lie anyway and that I needed this breakup to make sure my past never affects my future again. I have a lot of resentment towards my family for never truly being happy for me and questioning my actions. It’s just a mess to think about, I can’t come to terms with any of it. All I know is I have let a great woman slip through my fingers again and have anxiety about ever being truly happy with one person and if the person will ever come into my life.

    In desperate need of advice.

    Thank you

  25. Phew that is painful and a bit confusing I am afraid…so we’re talking three different women in that scenario?

    First of take time to breathe. Step away from the ladies and work out what it is your truly feel about your ex and Miss new.

    Everyone (or most everyone) has family disappointments and resentments but if you’re an adult it’s time to let the past go and be more in the present. I personally find we all do the best we can with the skills and tools we have been given or acquired. I know my parents had some pretty severe “short comings” but they just did the best that the could. Did it have an affect on me? Absolutely.

    But now I am the one in control over my own life – not my parents. Not my exes. Not my past.

    I don’t have a quick fix solution for you here. It’s going to take time, some painful peaks and valleys and some introspection for you to figure this out.

    Frankly Miss New sounds like an unfortunate rebound situation. I would guess that either you didn’t have true authentic feelings for her – not ones to last your life time – or you’d not be reaching out to other women.

    Either that or you’re just incredibly self sabotaging? Which is it do you think?

    Keep asking “How do I feel?” and “What is it I really miss?”

    Often the things we miss aren’t really exclusive to ONE PERSON. And often it’s not our actual EX we miss but the idea of them.

    Do some writing – either by hand (old school) or type into a email draft and pour those thoughts out of your head. You’ll start to unravel the “mess” in no time. It’s just going to take some effort is all. Some willingness to welcome growth as a result of this pain.

    Good luck x

  26. Lucie I think someone more recently replied to you. Check the blog comments when you can.

    How are you doing now? Bit better I hope? xx

  27. That’s the hard time Im having. I was never exactly sure if I was madly in love with Miss New. She was an amazing person inside and out but it always felt forced and I never could/ and can’t grasp what I feel about her. I miss the person always being there and loving me. I don’t miss every little thing about her.

    When I get anxiety it’s about finding true love and if I was just blind to the love I had in front of me and made a big mistake. I know I have self sabotaging behavior sometime. But would I sabotage something I felt in my subconscious to be real? Was I sabotaging to prevent the inevitable?

    Miss new was very indifferent, with a more “take it or leave it” mentality. My ex showered me with affection and adulation and I think I took that with me into Miss new. I never got all that I wanted until the end. But I was too far gone at that point. Maybe when I finally get what I want I don’t want it anymore? I know I have no chance of ever making it work with Miss New, she has made it clear. But that also makes me want to make it work even more. I truly think that as soon as I get something that I think is good for me I tend to realize I was just looking for something that could be good for me not something I actually want.

    Maybe I’m just looking to settle down and I tend to settle in the process because I don’t think there is anything better for me out there. Maybe I’m chasing what my ex gave me and that’s unrealistic? But even as I right this the whole possibility of getting back with my ex still is present. Should I just let go forever or run the risk of being blinded by what I think things should be like?

  28. I am going through a divorce. I think my husband has a girlfriend because he got really mean towards the end and doesn’t want to come home. I have two small children and pretty much supported the family so it was and is now harder to have a life outside of that. So, this probably why he left? I will get no child support and he gets 1/2 of my stuff, a new girlfriend and a life.

    Thank you for this site. This information is very helpful and makes me feel better.

  29. Hi I have a 18 month old daughter 3 weeks ago I asked her dad to leave I live in temporary accomadation he just wasn’t pulling his weight was out on the sick but wud rather spend his money on weed and being an gambler which he was attending classes for i no I made the rite choice and he gets to spend 3 days with the baby I’m just findin it really hard as if he doesn’t care he said I give off over everything he done and made him make decisions between smokin weed gambling or spending time with his family was I not right to do so?

  30. My boyfriend break up with me after 2years relationship said he lost feeling for me and interest faded in me. We never had fight and argue in two years I always happy with him and dreaming about feature together but he never said I love u too me. I was thinking he have strong feeling for me but can’t express but be told me to find sometime else who loves you because u deserve more. I am very very sad it’s been 2 and half month but still so sad. Please help me

  31. I first met him when we were 14, and we briefly dated. It was simple and light for me, but I hadn’t known he was deeply infatuated. A brief few months and we broke up because he gave in to everything I wanted and I took it for granted. He was bitter about it, and sabotaged my newer relationships for a while before he realised his immaturity and stopped.

    Fast forward to half a decade when we’re both old enough for university. As fate would have it, we met again by chance on the internet. And without knowing it was him at first, since we didn’t use our last names in the introduction, I started having an interest in him. In time I found out, and we both found it stunning. But it was there. That immediate falling back into how we were when we’re younger; affectionate, simple and romantic.

    We were happy for a good few months – he’s claimed that I am the only other female he’s truly loved, aside from his last ex and that the breakup was long ago – but then he suddenly confessed he cheated on me with a random fangirl the first week we got together again, because he hadn’t realised our chance this time would finally grow into something much serious. We had a broken trust then, but eventually we built it back up.

    Cue the entrance of his ex-girlfriend – ‘The Only Other Woman’. Apparently the breakup was half a year before he and I met again, and I was fine with her presence and tried making friends with her. But something felt off. I felt as though she was sizing me up, and true to my own words, she was. After a lot of pressurizing and his admitting that he knows that she’s jealous and pulling tricks, he said ‘She’s not going anywhere’. I asked him if he still have feelings for her romantically, and he says yes.

    Devastated, I tried playing it flirty and told him to give us another chance since he feels the same for both of us. And let him discover his own feelings. He discussed about cutting ties with her, letting her go gently and getting back together with me. The Only Other Woman was upset but somehow it happened. She was gone and we were happy – for a few hours! Telling me he loves me, he wants us to go back to how we were, and that he’s made the decision after calming down that I’m the one.

    Suddenly he turned quiet after cuddling and playing around in bed (like playful couples do) and said he needs some time to think. So I gave him space and left him be for a short while but then he, out of the blue, popped the question, “You feel it in the air, right?” and then proceeds to let me know that he can’t stand beating about the bush, and that he can’t see me more than a friend. And that he doesn’t see us being friends even, in the future.

    Right now, I’m feeling a nauseous depression swimming, and I just want to get out of this heartbreak as soon as possible.

  32. Thea
    My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We met at school and had been good friends for ten years, we had feelings for eachother during this time but I never let anything happen. Then last year i eventually told him I wanted us to be more than friends. We started dating and within 5 months I was deeply inlove and it seemed he was too, im sure he was.
    We had one or two serious discussions about me needing more from him emotionally wise, wanting him to show me he loves me completely, basically. Afterwards he would apologise and tell me he didn’t want to end things at all.
    I loved him completely, I let him own my heart for the year and a half that we dated and before that, there was always the question of ‘what if’. I was always ‘the other girl’ when he had past girlfriends, but I was his most serious.
    Then one evening he calls me and askes if he can come over, and he did. He arrived like everything was okay then sat me down and told me he no longer wanted a relationship, just out of nowhere. The previous day he was still telling me he loved me/was thinking about me etc. I was devastated. He said we invested too much time in our relationship and cast other areas of life aside, and I can understand this but it was not that drastic that he needed to simply end things. He also said that it seemed I was happiest when I was with him and he didn’t think that was right?? He was the love of my life… id have thought this was somewhat okay. All in all he didn’t give me a proper reason for ending things, he said his studies are his number one priority and he doesn’t want any relationship any time soon but nobody can plan that. If I were to see him with another girl now I would be crushed. I haven’t had much contact with him since but he said he didn’t want to ever lose me as a friend but right now I cant see him in that way. I still love him deeply, unfortunately. I just feel like the past year has been a lie. He has an obsessive personality and tires of his obsessions eventually and I cant help but think I was just something he needed to get out of his system. I secretly hope that we will one day end up together again.
    Sorry this is so long. I just needed to have my say.

  33. I recently just got broken up with via text message. He was my first love and my first for everything, and i had been with him for 15 months. I am 17 years old and he is 16. We had been together through all these memories, and firsts, health issues, and family issues on either side.

    Throughout 15 months i had been cheated on 4 times and chose to stay because his excuses seemed pretty valid. Even though i look back now and wish i would have left the first time, it still hurts that in the end he was the one to walk away and the way he did it. We were perfectly fine, and he talked about moving out together after we were both done high school (and for the last 4 months we bought moving out stuff on my dime and he seemed excited), and all these great adventures. He sat and told me he wanted to marry me (which of course at 16/17 is unlikely) but was nice to hear he was so passionate about me.

    Then 2 days later, i stopped hearing from him as much, the “good morning baby” texts didnt come and he didnt call everynight like he used too. He blew off our one year date and didnt explain why, which was just this previous halloween. So our “technical” one year (but have been together 15 months just not official at the time) when i poured my heart out in a letter to give to him the next day, i didnt hear from him all day then got a text saying ” i need a break…sorry” i immediately called and he didnt answer, and told me it wasnt anything to do with him or i or our relationship and we were fine. so i said hey, ok! if its not us then… were good i guess. he played it off like something tragic in his family happened and he just couldnt cope with it right. so i gave him a couple days and let him know my support was there when he was ready to talk about it. Then i found out he had a new instagram account that i couldnt see (both of us got rid of our fbs and instagrams when dating) ,so i didnt understand why he wouldnt tell me he got it again and even so about this break hes taking and what happened to him to cause the break. so i texted and asked about it, also saying im confused about the break, and if hes ok and a big blow up happened. Saying i couldnt have the concert tickets i bought for our one year back, and that he wasnt good enough for me and all this crap. he wouldnt and hasnt asnwer my calls or texts for the 4 days break he took.

    Then Yesterday I made plans with his uncle (who i know well and was with him) for them to come out so we can talk. I then got a long text from him on his uncles phone saying that he was done and has been for a while and is positive he needs and is ready to move on. no phone call, no in person talk, just a text. after 15 months together. he said he didnt do it in person because it would result in tears and he “cant handle that right now” How do i get over this? we were eachothers firsts, and he apparently was done for over a month im guessing, but yet could sleep with me and tell me he wanted to move out and marry me in that time, and spend my money on things for himself the last month, knowing he would break it off. I had no idea we were even close to ending as it all seemed perfectly fine! Then all of a sudden it happens, how do i get over this? please and thanks

  34. im sorry for the long post, but i don’t understand how after 15 months with somebody you can be that harsh. by leading them on, taking advantage of them, their time and money and their body. Please help if you can! any advice! 🙁

  35. I am afraid I don’t have time to reply properly but I wanted you to know you’re not alone and you’ll get through this.

    You’re both young and these first ones can be the worst ones because you don’t have the bench mark to gauge it with.

    But really you want a guy who doesn’t cheat, who’s honest, reliable, kind, respectful and if he doesn’t have feelings any more he has the courtesy to sit you down and speak to you about it.

    Try to spend some time with your good friends. Try to focus on other things, work, school, goals for the future, places you want to travel, things you want to learn how to do. Embrace live with or without some guy – especially a guy who writes things like “I need a break”…Be seen getting out there, having fun (even if you’re faking it inside)…it really will start to make him question his decision.

    Brace yourself for the fact there could be some other chick on the scene. Not saying there definitely is but I personally find it’s better to assume there is (prepare for it) then not think there is and find out there is.

    You didn’t have any control over his actions, or timings etc but what you do have is the power to make the choices of how you want to handle this (and everything in your life). You can choose not to be miserable, bawling your eyes out begging etc…

    Sure feel some sadness, process the loss but be grateful for the year you have and that it’s over. Find a guy who will treat you right.

    This one didn’t do a stellar job of that.

    Respect yourself. You’re worthy of it.

    Night x

  36. Hi Thea

    I broke up with my ex about 7months ago, although i did the breaking up it was a mutual break up, we both got on with our lives since and we’ve been in contact almost every other day because we agreed that we’d be friends after the break up. We had our short period of no contact however it was due to circumstance rather than choosing so i can’t speak for her but i never really dealt with the break up besides the heart break on the day. We broke up due to constant arguing over matters that we now realise weren’t that big.

    Recently i found out that she has a new male friend. I’d never been the jealous time for the 2 and a half years we were together, however this brought back all of the emotions that I should’ve felt at the time of the break up, but they’d all been nullified through alcoholism and distractions.

    So i then delved into a depression for about a month where honestly i was at the lowest point in my life.

    So the typical feelings of wanting her back etc came back. I discussed this with her and over time she revealed to me that she’d stopped loving me a year before our relationship had ended (where as i never did stop). It really got to me that i was in love alone for so long and i didn’t even know it, yet i kept holding on through the arguments because i felt there was still love there.

    Anyway i got myself out of the depression all the while maintaining contact with her. And i’ve now brought myself to the stage where there is no romantic love in my heart for her.

    She really is a sweet girl as she comforted me even through this so we’re really good friends. Theres the odd emotion that comes on my part but we either talk it out, or i control myself.

    She is completely over me and has moved on with her life.
    I seem to have lost my confidence and she is still on my mind a lot more than a usual friend should be.

    However my question to you is that she was my first everything and only love in life, i am now 21 and I’ve always had the mentality that there need only be one girl in your life and she should be there forever, silly i know but i guess I’m old school like that. My problem really is accepting that there will be someone other than her because to me she was the one.

    Thanks (sorry for the long message)

  37. also i want to avoid no contact because i want to be the great friend to her that she is to me.

    She really is golden, but we jus didn’t work as a couple (two different personalities)

  38. Hi Thea…don’t know if y still reply to this blog. I met this guy a little over a year ago..He was head over heels for me n I was in a different country working outside my home country . he was back home. Anyway that didn’t matter for him we had a long distance relationship for the first 6 months – but they were among the best of the relationship.

    So he did come over for New years and we went back home together in jan. he was saying this was it for him ready for marriage. He had never introduced any girl to his family or siblings but he introduced me.

    So while we were back home everything got rocky…I fell into a little bit of depression (though too strong a word) because I had no job back home and i am a workaholic.

    I guess I wouldn’t see him as much as he would have liked. When I got out of it, which was like 2 months or less, I did my best to make amends for it.

    He began talkn to his ex – which was just shady in my eyes – and I would over react wondering what’s up with that.

    But I looked past it. Yes I had my moments of these on and off things cuz Id really never been in a relationship before…He is the type which I found out later on that keeps so much back and eventually releases it too late.

    so he told me this on and off made him distant and he wanted space. For over 3 weeks I was asking him why and What exactly does he want space or to break up, but he insists on the space….I hadn’t realised I loved him so much….

    He tried twice, but I think his head wasn’t in it anyway because I was doing all the initiations of texting and calling, but he seemed to be coming round.

    Then just this week I called to just see if his exam went well…He replied but started an argument of how he was so serious about me and to me everything was a joke….

    He went on to say the moment he texted his ex that’s wen he knew he had lost gas as he puts it.

    He is asking for space still, I have asked him so many times if he wants to break up and stop with this space thing…

    If it’s space I told him do let me know what you decide, and if you have someone else, say so…

    He goes on to say that girls are already confusing him and he knows I don’t like competition…

    I guess that was my cue because I have a feeling he has someone else, but for some reason, he cannot just break up with me.

    I still luv him and I think he knows that and he is putting me to the side, yet really all he can do is say he wants out. He was a really nice person but his character now is of someone I don’t understand…

    I may have the option of going back to the other country to work and it would be a perfect distraction of getting past all this…but it won’t happen until Dec – so how do I cope…? Remember I have no job and truth I think I would move on faster if he told me he is with someone else because I’ve never been one to be the jealous type I keep t moving.

  39. Hello dear, yes I read the posts before they go live…I don’t always reply though. I don’t always have time…but I did go through and space it out a bit and fill in words as it was kind of hard to understand with the “text speak” (abbreviations). So I think I get your story…

    Firstly – Why are you not working now and what can you do to keep busy and have other things to focus on…?

    I am not above you sending one email or letter that says that you love him but that you need to move on and this “space thing” is isn’t working for you. So you take the reins and end it! Scary as that is…

    Take yourself out of the equation and don’t let him just keep you around as an “option” for later.

    Try the sort of > Hey I do love you and I miss you and I wanted a future together but things have not been too good between us, you seem to be conflicted and I don’t want to be in a relationship where the guy is uncertain if he wants to be with me. If you are unsure then that is the answer and we don’t need space or a break – we should end this here and now as friends and we can both move on”.

    Either he will panic and realise that the thought of losing you will show him his true feelings and he’ll want to keep you OR he will agree and you part but either way you’d know. The limbo is the worst.

    You’re worth more than being someone’s option so you need to take your own responsibility for that. That’s a sort of “are you in or are you out” no half-assed boyfriends in my life!

    Focus on your own life, your potential move and where you’re headed. That should keep you busy enough getting your own life sorted – never mind his!

    Thea xx

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