THEA: On Being Positively Single

Thea: On Being Positively SinglePositively Single

Are you Positively Single? It can be hard I know….Couples, bloomin’ couples, they’re everywhere, aren’t they? It can be tough. Thankfully, in this day and age, being single has not got the same social stigma it once had. Quite frankly nor should it. Though it can be hard to adjust initially, all singletons need to look on the bright side of being single. Let me explain how it can be a good thing.

One’s first instinct when they hit the singlezone is to run a mile in the other direction – probably straight back into a relationship (any relationship will do – can you say “rebound”?).

My suggestion to those people is – avoid rebounding into another relationship straight away, as it seldom works (even when you think it has worked). Trust me on this one. I did it…twice!Pink Love Heart - Love Thyself

Get Over Gripping Fear

When we are reeling from a cold, hard dumping, the initial feeling that sets in is WORRY. We worry whether anyone will ever find us attractive, whether we will have sex again, and whether we will ever find our “true love” or be happy.

The answer, quite probably, is “YES!” Once you get beyond the worryzone, you can fully appreciate all that is great about being single, and there really is so much that is great about it!

For now, don’t waste all of your time and energy on worrying about getting older or ending up alone. Try to focus on the good and start enjoying solo life from this day forward!

Freedom Rocks!

For instance, rejoice in the FREEDOM that you now have: You can sleep when and where you want (not to mention with whom you want and how often!)

Really, take a moment and think about that. Picture it. How cool is that? Your married and paired-off friends can’t do that (well not with a clear conscience at any rate).

You can though.

Eat What You Want

You can eat what you like and when you like. Sometimes I feel like eating a balanced meal and sometimes I’d rather sit and nibble.

Some nights I pour a bowl of Raisin Bran for my dinner. No one can moan at me for my eating habits now (well, except for my dad whose words, “I don’t see any meals there” still haunt me every time I grocery shop!)

My food in my kitchen is just that. My food. My faves.

Please Yourself 

Singletons can spend time with whomever they choose without having to “check in” or ask for permission.

We can go out whenever we want to or stay in when we don’t feel like leaving our cosy homes.

Speaking from experience, I say single life can be totally empowering. When I entered the dumped zone, I was forced to find a new place to live, car to drive, and a job that would support me.

Within a few months, I picked up 4×4, found a house, got a good job, my first credit card and eventually I even acquired my own mortgage!

Yay me! That was totally liberating!

In the months after the split, I traveled to London, New York, San Francisco and Amsterdam.

You know what? I ended up achieving more in ONE YEAR of being single than I did in seven years of relationships.

It was exhilarating!

Focus on Yourself

When single, you can be totally focused and selfish and not feel guilty about it. You can concentrate 100% on what it is that YOU want from life.

Think about your future: Where do you want to live? What color do you want your living room to be? What sort of car do you want to drive? Where do you want to go on holiday? What does your future look like?

Singletons can take up a languages, hobbies or sports to meet new people and learn new things – without having to run it by anyone else.

It is a time to try something you have always wanted to do (especially if it was something your partner didn’t want you to do!) or a time to get in shape both mentally and physically.

Without having someone else in your life you have to get approval of you can set some personal goals with complete freedom. As part of a couple, you really don’t have that luxury because there are always other people to consider.

Take Action

Many people. when part of a couple, become complacent. Singledom is like the antidote to complacency.

Whether you are male or female, you can now spend time with friends or family that you have been neglecting. (Better yet, you no longer have to spend time with THEIR friends and family who you didn’t really like anyway).

That is brilliant, isn’t it?

In a nutshell, “find yourself” and get reacquainted. All of us, when we become part of a couple, can lose sight of who we really are – at times  anyway.

Somewhere along the way our identity can get lost in the merger. It’s inevitable, especially when it’s a long-term relationship.

Know Thyself

I will share a little secret with you – SELF KNOWLEDGE and SELF LOVE are the keys to finding that happiness you so desire.

If you get that sorted the work, love and friendships will all manifest accordingly.

Sometimes people come out of relationships with no clue who they even are any more. They don’t know what foods they like, where they’d want to go on holiday,  or what their favorite TV shows are.

Seriously, now it’s time to work out what makes you tick!

My Fave Things About Being Single:

    • I can sleep when, where (not to mention with whom) I want!
    • I can work until 2am and not feel guilty.
    • I can sleep diagonally in the bed – there’s no one to steal the covers or keep me up with snoring or other bodily noises!
    • I can log onto the Net anytime of day even at 3am. Heck, I log on from bed without disturbing anyone while I surf, chat or write. (I just love that!)
    • I can scope men wherever  I go and not feel guilty.
    • I don’t need to put up with someone’s poor musical tastes or bad fashion sense.
    • I have complete independence and freedom to do what I want, when I want, regardless.
    • I can wear whatever I feel like without worrying how it looks or if it’s sexy enough!
    • I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want (as little or as much) without recriminations.
    • There’s no one to nag me or put me down.
    • The only annoying habits I have to deal with are my own! (Erm, I do talk to myself a lot now…)
    • I have no one else’s mess to tidy up – or dishes and clothes to wash – it’s all mine!
    • I never find hairs (or anything else!) on the toilet seat or in the tub, oh and my toilet seat’s always down now!Gilmore Girls
    • I spend as little or as much time with friends as I feel like, guilt free.
    • Sky Digital (satellite) TV! I watch what I want (with no one to fight over the remote with!) or make snide remarks of why I am watching Gossip Girl or Gilmore Girls. PS: I love the Gilmore Girls
    • I am not forced to ever watch Sports or Quizes or SciFi shows that I loathe.
    • I go to any movie I want to see (I know, not everyone feels than can go to the movies solo, but I do it all the time and the popcorn’s all mine!)
    • The music blasting from my stereo, at home or in my car, is always my own and I love music!
    • The entire flat is decorated with my own tastes, colours and furniture!
    • Two words: Closet and Space!
    • If I fancy taking off for a weekend, I can, without having to consider anyone else.
    • I don’t have anyone to rush me when browsing in the CD shop or to make me feel guilty for buying “yet another book” that I don’t need!
    • I get to have that “First Kiss” and experience the passion phase again and again with new men (if I want to)
    • All the food in my six-foot fridge is mine.
    • Finally, and this one is a special one, when my paired-off friends are moaning to me about their relationship, I am thankful I don’t have to endure those sorts of problems anymore…(for now anyway).
    • When I long to be part of a couple, all I need to do is look at my list to be reminded of just how lucky I am to be flying solo. I’m not saying “forever”, but certainly for the moment.
    • I see couples off to their Sunday dinners at in-laws, or some other dutiful jaunt, and it makes me so thankful that I now have Sundays all to myself! Bliss.
    • The thing I love the very most about my single life. There is no drama – almost ever.

In Summary, I Love The Single Life!

I can quite honestly say, I love my independence. The only relationship I have at present is with myself.

I know myself a whole lot better because of it. I can easily say that I am a much stronger and happier person for the experience of becoming ‘suddenly single’.

You can too, eventually. For now though, it’s another candle lit dinner for three – me, myself and I. I advise you to do the same. Treat yourself how you would want someone else to treat you.

What do you think is great about being single? Please leave a comment in the comments section below.

15 thought on “THEA: On Being Positively Single”

  1. ICEMAN

    I could add, you save more money, I’m a broken heart guy by now, and is really hard when u love someone to much. but I realized I’ve been saving money but the problem this I am still storing in a Tiffany’s catalog.

  2. Pingback: THEA: “When You’re Single You Can Sleep In the Star Position” | soyouvebeendumped.com

  3. Scarlett

    You know, I love your website. I am presently in the early stages of being broken up with. Somehow I am okay. It takes time, friends and an effort to understand the process of stages that we must face that is set before us in order to heal in the healthiest manner possible.

    Somehow, I am able to see the big picture. I know I will have days, soon only hours and then finally only for minutes; I will revive and hold my childish love for life. I will grow and fill that empty space. That forgiveness if only for myself and him; who once crossed paths, shared a lesson. I will hold a small space for him in my aching heart; a heart that will heal as broken bones do.

  4. thea Post author

    Hi S thanks for that. You sound pretty good, not sure why but just a good optimistic and somehow resigned vibe coming off you. Reviving of joie de vivre is a definite + way forward! And you will grow and fill the empty space…

    It does get easier – especially with “right thinking” which you’ve established that you have.

    Thanks for the comment. Appreciate it. x

  5. Maria

    Hi Thea,
    I am so thankful i found your blog / website thru surfing in the internet. I’m broken-hearted too, and it’s been more than 2 months. Trying to cope up with this break-up. My friends said i haven’t move on yet coz I still love him and hoping he will come back. Inspite of the fact that he already have somebody even before the break-up. But he still calls me 2-3x a week and see me once a week. Since I still care for him, i allow him to come over just to ease this feeling of loneliness and emptiness. I know its stupid but i think i’m on the martyr side. I’m in the process now of realizing that it’s getting unfair on my side. We have been together for 6 years and I was so dependent on him. I don’t even know how to start my life without him. I have this fear of being alone… although I have friends who is very supportive… sometimes I would say I am okey then next day I will cry and cry – it’s a roller coaster emotions… I
    I wanna follow the NO CONTACT RULE… but i’m only good for a week. The moment my loneliness strikes – I would call him.
    Now that I have read (and I finished reading all the Blogs, Videos, Articles) all your advices – it encourages me to start moving on and letting him go. Do I have to text him or talk to him that I want to move on? Coz i’m in deep pain and panic whenever i could not hear his voice. Pain won’t stop. It only eases when we talk –
    And one thing – Upon reading your article about ON BEING POSITIVELY SINGLE, it enlightens me to love myself being me alone…

  6. thea Post author

    You can do anything you want to do. That’s the beauty in life. Do what works for you…

    If you want to contact him, do so. If not, don’t. For me personally I prefer to do it within myself and not to them in case I end up looking like “the boy who cried wolf”. In other words if I say “I can’t speak to you until I heal to a guy” then a week later I call or text or something it sends mixed messages and I look like an @ss….So personally I don’t send that “cut off” message. I just stay strong and go NC.

    But countless times over the last 12 years I’ve admitted to sucking at NO CONTACT too. I really do.

    But I also know it’s the best thing to help one heal. You can be friends on down the road maybe but when you’re healing it’s too confusing.

    So buy a nice journal for yourself and start writing in it. Call it the NC Journal and jot down “Day One” and write how you feel about going NC. Write when you feel like talking to him or when you feel emotional. It will be amazing reading on down the road.

    Trust me.

    You can get past this, you really can. You said you read the blogs and watched the videos – have you see the one unveiled today? The 12 Stages of a Break Up? Watch that and tell me what you think (I blogged about it this afternoon – it’s the most recent post on our homepage). The video is there too.

    Hugs and hang in there. You can do this! You really can. If I can, anyone can! x

  7. Maria

    Hi Thea, thanks for the reply… Yes, i have watched the 12 stages video, and I was actually smiling, enjoying the animation while listening and internalizing it. So, everytime I feel down, I would open your Blog and watch it again and again… It really helps.
    I will follow your advice. . .

  8. leah

    I can relate to Maria’s about being so dependent on the other person. I am having a horrible time too. I feel so empty and panicky with no contact from him and he was so cold afterwards that it was even worse. He also found someone for I don’t know how long before he ended it with me. So he is having fun with her and I am so empty and sad. I am trying to get out a little, make sure I go to work, talk to friends, but it is really hard right now. I hope to get some relief soon. Start a hobby if I could just drag myself to do it. ugh.

  9. Andy

    Thea your stuff is really great. My situation is somewhat unique as I am still married until Feb 5th, but I’ve been separated for the past 2 years, I met her back in September and we hit it off immediately and dated until Dec 12th when she hit me with I’m can’t continue to date a married man, so call me when you divorce is final. We’ll we’ve broken the no contact rule a dozen times as we meet up at church each Sunday, but I noticed she gotten cooler towards me and my intuition got the best of me and while playing private eye I realized she was sleeping with someone else, and boy was I blown away. This all happened today, so I would love to here your advice on the matter. Thanks and I’m moving toward acceptance really fast.

  10. thea Post author

    I am so sorry I am not getting notifications about blog comments! Not checked for over a week (thinking no comments had come in).

    I don’t know what to tell you on this one. Sounds like you weren’t together as such. How could you find out she’s actually SLEEPING with someone else? That is intriguing.

    She has not really done anything wrong as such…but she could have of course been more “open” about what’s going on.

    I wish I had just the perfect thing to alleviate the pain…It sorta sucks when you think things are one way with someone else and you find out they’re not. It really depends on where she is really “at” with this. Sometimes sex is just sex. Maybe she was actually sleeping with someone else to get over you. It’s hard to assess her motivation for doing so and any meaning it might or might not actually have. You know?

    I’d say keep on healing and see how it is next week when the divorce is final. Maybe arrange to meet for a coffee or whatever and a chat. I’d avoid making assumptions if you can. As hard as that is to avoid!

    Good luck!

  11. Louise

    I got dumped a week ago. My partner walked away a year ago and then wanted me back but didn’t move back in. Last week, the week he was due to move back in, he dumped me again. I feel alone and I can’t see a future. I miss him so much. A week on I’m not eating and I cry all the time. At 40 I feel I will never find love again. I try to take hope from your site but being positive is so hard.

  12. thea Post author

    At 40 you will love again. The good news is that it only FEELS like you wont. Natural to feel that way when heart broken but thankfully for us it passes. Age is just a number and people fall in love in their 70s and 80s.

    Take the focus off of him and turn it on you. Are you the kind of woman a guy would want to be with…Strong, confident, fun, interesting, loving, kind, smart, personable, empathetic etc? are there areas in yourself you can work on? Start focusing there and not on your ex and what he is or is not doing.

    He’s your ex and therefor whatever he’s doing is none of your business. The business that is yours is your business and the only thing you have even the slightest control over.

    Eat food. Light meals, often, keep strength up. Cry if you need to. Write. Talk to friends. Get sleep.

    Food and sleep actually will help a lot though I know full well how hard it is to do either when heartbroken.

    You will get through this and if you’re saying “Thea I want to love again” then I believe you will. It’s down to you. But it starts as in INSIDE JOB. Love thyself hon. OK?

    Let me know how you’re doing now. Go have some soup and a nap! Hugs xxx

  13. brian schneider

    Its been five months since we broke up,after 5 years together. I have a bad habit of gunnysacking and conflict avoidance. I have learned these things about myself and I am taking steps to not do these things in my next relationship. I loved her very much,losing her finally made me realize I need to make some changes in my life. I am still getting over her but its not easy, the lessons i’m learning will benefit me and my future partners.

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