5 Things to Consider Before Writing a Letter to An Ex

SYBD: 5 Things to Consider Before Writing a Letter to Your Ex

5 Things to Consider Before Writing a Letter to An Ex

Want to Write a Letter to Your Ex?

Over the years here, there have been countless questions, comments, musings about whether or not someone should write a letter to their ex. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve contemplated that myself on a personal basis. When a relationship ends there are usually a number of things you want to say, after the fact, but often when I’ve written the letter (or email) it’s not really made a difference. If it did result in reconciliation it seldom lasted long.

My thinking is that it doesn’t tend to “make or break” a situation in the long run.

There are a few things you might wish to take into account if you’re feeling the urge to make contact with an ex:

1) Time

How much time has elapsed? In the early days and weeks the emotions tend to be raw and how you feel at three days or three weeks is often not how you’ll feel after three months or three years. Where are you on the time line? More importantly where are your….

2) Emotions

Similar to “time” – your emotions are constantly changing thus so are the perceptions of your relationship and break up. That changes over time. Some days you will be sad, others angry, still others maybe empowered, and of course somedays you’ll be more forgiving than others too! I find that mostly our urge to write them is when we are angry, or sad or hurt (or any of the more negative emotions) when in fact we’d often be better waiting until we’re in a better state of mind before we put pen to paper.

3) Motivation

What are you hoping to achieve from this prose you’re sending? Are you hoping to chastise them for hurting you? Are you really gonna let him or her have a real piece of your mind? Or maybe you planning on begging for another chance? Are you hoping it will miraculously alter the outcome, crystalise feelings and result in a new beginning? Are you aiming for that allusive “closure” in some shape or form? Or are you doing it because you’re feeling desperate for some form of “contact”, any contact, with your ex? Is it to make them feel good, bad, guilty, sad, or nostalgic? Or is it to make yourself feel better?

Be honest with yourself what your motivation for writing actually is.

4) Response

This too, truly, is a biggie. How would you feel if you never get a response (that has happened quite a few times to me and it stings!)? How would you feel if you got a barrage of abuse back? How would you feel if you got a simple “Thanks” by way a response? How would you feel if they asked you to never contact them again?

In any event, even if you do get a response it’s not really likely you’ll get the answers you’re looking for.

5) 48 Hours

A friend and former forum moderator Serena09 had great advice, and came up with what she called the “48 Hour Rule” which often got cited on our forum.

Essentially the rule was – if you feel the need to write something, then do so, sit on it for 48 hours and if you can pick it up again and read it, do not feel the need to make any changes, and you still want to send it, then by all means, go for it.

However, if you make any changes what so over, the clock resets and you start the 48 hours over again.

Personally though I love the idea of it, I don’t think I really managed to do it (I can be a little impulsive to be fair).

That said, I do tend to take time to “sit on it” before sending anything emotional like that now. I do consider all the points above and make sure when I send something it’s from a positive, letting go frame-of-mind.

So How Do You Feel Now?

If you are sending a letter (or an email) to an ex with no hope for reconciliation, no expectation for response, and with a view of letting go, and moving on I say go ahead and “go for it”.

If you can ask the question – Am I behaving like a rational, healthy, happy, forgiving and dignified person in this letter? affirmatively, then sure, go ahead and send it.

Because until you can get to that point, I would recommend keeping the letters to yourself, in your journal, and stick to “No Contact”.

In most cases, your ex will probably know how you feel already. If you’re writing to say how hurt, angry, used, or whatever you feel – the chances are they already know it.

Can You Say “Thank You”?

I, myself, am fan of the Gratitude Letter. The older I get the more I take responsibility for my actions and outcomes. A relationship always has two sides. So do break ups.

It’s seldom (if ever) one person’s fault that things don’t work out. I find good in every relationship – even the painful or volatile ones.It’s often those we learn from the most.

So whenever I process the pain, hurt, sadness, and anger I move onto gratitude and will often send a note to the ex thanking them for the time spent together. I only do this when I am genuinely grateful. Sometimes it takes longer than others to get to that point! I also do it when I don’t feel the need for any response.

Do tell me – have you ever sent a letter to an ex? What was your motivation? Did you get a response? Did it help or hinder your recovery? Have you ever sent a thankful letter to your ex?

Here’s one of mine – ten year’s on, a thank you letter to my ex. (Wow, I’d forgotten I wrote something so heartfelt and exposed)….

Anyway feel free to discuss this if you want to. It’d be good to hear from a few of you on this matter of that letter to your ex. What would you say in yours? You can comment below or on this popular thread for venting to an ex here.

167 thought on “SYBD: 5 Things to Consider Before Writing a Letter to Your Ex”

  1. anon101

    I always write a “goodbye” letter, however, I only do this when I know that it is truly for my benefit and not for his. I don’t do it with hopes of a reconcilliation or in order to give him a piece of my mind. I do it so that when I look back on the break up, I can do so with no regrets or feelings that I “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve” done something differently. I’ll have a clear conscience, knowing that I did everything that was in my power to make things work and they just didn’t. In theory, the words “what if…?” will never cross my mind and, so far, they haven’t.

    There really is no benefit to screaming at your ex via letter…unless you’re doing it for you. Put yourself in their shoes. If I received a letter from an ex that was abusive and proceeded to tell me everything that I had done wrong in the relationship, I would tear it into tiny pieces and pitch it…or hit the delete button. I would just figure that my ex was badly hurting and, therefore, would not take it seriously because of the tone. Maybe it’s pride talking, but I wouldn’t want my ex to think that, even if it were true.

    Also, since the popularity of email, I have one other thing that I do when sending a goodbye letter. After emailing it to my ex, I forward it to a friend whom I absolutely trust and then delete it on my own computer. That way, I won’t waste time reading and re-reading it, wondering if I should have added this or not said that. That’s a waste of time and emotion, and should be avoided. By emailing a copy to a friend and deleting the original, I’m ensuring that I can one day see the letter again if I must, but it won’t be all that easy to get to because my friend will be watching out for me.

    I recognize that this won’t work for everyone, but it does work for me. A break up is never easy and there are no hard and fast rules. Thank goodness for SYBD and Thea, though. I will always owe them a debt of gratitude.

  2. thea Post author

    Hello and thanks for that reply! That sending it to someone you trust idea is a goodie. I’ve been known to waste countless hours re-reading all the old emails / letters sent to and from people. More often than not it only made me feel worse. But eventually I find it nice, nostalgic re-living the experiences now and again. When there is no longer any emotion or pain attached to the person in question. It can be cathartic. And you’re welcome! You’re so sweet! Hope all is well with you! xx

  3. meow17

    I hate to clutter the blog comments with a forum-like post, but I feel that this is relevant to the topic: It’s been a long time since I’ve been here- the forum was one of the only things that kept me going after it happened. I wanted to comment on this because I just wrote a letter to my ex. After hitting ‘send’ the first thing I did was instinctively scurry back to this site…which made me laugh a little, It’s as if I have conditioned myself to come here when something dramatic happens involving him. But I just wanted to say that it’s been two years since my breakup, and I truly have been succesful in moving on- I still struggle with the feelings of anger and shame related to my relationship to him, but I have a new man in my life (which is a MUCH healthier relationship) and a better understanding of and respect for myself. I no longer want him, am attracted to him, or even love him. But sometimes thats not enough to let old resentments go..I saw him over the weekend and was reminded of everything. So I sat down and typed in my journal furiously in an effort to rationalize my anger after all this time. This turned into a letter to him.
    In summary, I explained to him that I’m happy that his life is going well, and that mine is too. I thanked him for everything he did for me and was to me, and apologized for how messy everything was when we broke up. I said that I wouldn’t be offended it he didn’t get back to me, and that I felt like I should just let him know that I’m finally ok with everything, and grateful that it happened. I also clarified that my letter is not an attempt to make up, be friends, or just to get a response out of him..that it is for me.
    In hindsight, I wish I would have followed the “48 hour rule” just to give my emotions some time to settle a bit. But I feel that everything I said was appropriate. I just began to doubt myself and feel embarassed that I had sent it, and flooded with the same feelings of rejection that I felt from him in the past.
    My point is, in my very recent experience, a letter can be good if your motivation is in the right place..just as Thea said. I sugar-coated my letter a bit, because I still am angry at him, and I still do care what he thinks of me, but I didn’t let that show. I felt slightly more embarassed than cathartic after sending it, but I’m confident that time will help me realize that it was a nice gesture, and if he ignores it or thinks badly of it then it’s another-in a very long list of-reasons as to why I don’t need or want him in my life, and that us breaking up was absolutely for the best.
    Sorry for the rant! It’s been so long since I’ve been on here and I just wanted to share. Thankyou SYBD community and Thea..it is not an exaggeration to say that you helped me survive.

  4. DebbieZ

    Hi, I just found this article online when I googled search what to do after No contact ends. I am happy that my motivations are right now, it’s been 4months since he broke up with me. At the early stages, I wanted to make contact with him at all cost and kept in touch with him every 2weeks. Now tomorrow makes it 1month of complete No contact and I want to send a closure letter since I now know I can keep away from him without crying 🙂

    What I’ll like to know though is – Is it right to let him know that I still love and care about him but that am willing and am ready to let him go now? I read somewhere that said be sincere about your feelings after No contact. Also again that men will only chase a lady if they know they stand a chance of catching up with her. I also want to post his gifts to me back. I’m not angry or bitter towards him, I was never throughout the break-up, I just don’t want to keep his items if he couldn’t be civil enough to even wish me Happy Birthday. I don’t think if one breaks up, people can’t be friends…so I was shocked when I didn’t get a greeting from him. Also there were some pix of me that he wanted and I had printed in hardcopy. Should I send this to him & include a self addressed envelope ( giving him the option to return the pix if he wants) or will I be making things too complex?

    My hand-written letter wouldn’t be aimed at getting him back, but more like agreeing with his decision to break up and letting him know someday, I’ll find someone like him (or better). Thanks a lot for this forum.

  5. thea Post author

    Ok hon….brace yourself for my thoughts. And really who the hell am I to suggest anyone does anything. But since you’ve come here and posted – I am going to reply with my GUT response.

    I’d say don’t do it (yet),…and do not AT ALL return ANY gifts he gave you!! That’s beyond-petty. His not acknowledging your birthday doesn’t mean a THING. It’s disappointing for us, of course it is, but for him he probably was unsure of what to do. I guarantee he thought of you and probably wanted to get in touch but didn’t.

    Make no changes where any of the STUFF is concerned…until you are over him completely. Then you can consider whether to – DONATE, dump, pass them on or even KEEP them but right now it’s way too soon to be doing stuff like that – again IMHO.

    Really my thought is DO NOTHING for a while longer. NO letter. No returning stuff (especially self addressed stamps), no nothing. Write it and put it away. Use a journal. Box the stuff up so it’s completely out of mind.

    I got dumped by the so-called-love-of-my-life. I ripped up a bunch of pics at the time (ripped him out of many!) and later on once I got over all the hurt I was sad I’d behaved so impulsively. Eventually I could look at him with healed eyes and gratitude I had the relationship at all. It was all part of my history as this guy is.

    So please consider sitting on it all a bit longer. It’s really so early still for you by the sounds of it.

  6. DebbieZ

    Okay thanks a lot. Will hold on longer. It’s just that I feel am giving him audience kinda in my inner thoughts. I still love and care about him but I know once I tell him am moving on, pride won’t let me take back my words and think of him daily as I am now.

    I’ll definitely hold on. Maybe another 1month and see how I am at that time. Thanks a lot. You’ve been very helpful spilling your GUT 🙂

  7. Sarah

    I just came across this article and thank God for it. I’m in need of help.

    I’ve been contemplating on writing a letter to my ex for a while now but never got the courage to do so. We broke up for about a year now and have not been in touch with him. I broke up with him over nothing, it was such a hasty decision that I regret so bad. I know for a fact that he is nice guy and I was too stupid to see that. The worst thing is that I broke up with him via email and he hates that. After few weeks later, I sent an email asking if he would give us another try but he said he’ll think about it and later texted me saying that he just wants to stay in touch. But we never stayed in touch , the only time he contacted me was over the holidays and wished me a happy holiday and that was it.
    I tried to forget about him and move on but I feel like I’m stuck and need to vent to him about how I feel. We haven’t seen each other for ages and it seems like he might’ve moved on or something…I don’t keep tabs on his social life or have any close mutual friends with him. I deleted his new number so that I won’t call or text him.
    The thing is that my feelings for him grow stronger everyday and wish to just tell him I still love him but I’m afraid of being rejected again.

    I’m thinking of writing a letter to him apologizing about how I ended things and if we could meet up and talk. At this moment, I just want to talk to him and pour my heart out to him, I don’t even care about rejection.

    Any suggestions? Please help me.

  8. thea Post author

    Hmmmm – Tough call. Your intention to “pour” your heart out to him may not actually be the best thing for him and if you care about him you won’t want to cause some big setback in his life.

    On the other hand he may feel the same…I am not sure.

    I tend to operate on the premise if a guy wants to be with me – he will let it be knows. So I suspect if he did want to be with you – he’d have been in touch.

    Who knows though…? No one can know for sure.

    I wrote a blog yesterday about No Contact. Go and have a read about it. I think by what you say you’re building stuff up in your head that’s not really reality. You are probably thinking about him all the time cos there hasn’t been anyone super special since the split. If you had someone else you might not even be giving this guy a moment’s thought really. You ended it for a reason – regardless of how innocuous you say it was.

    I dumped a guy I liked a lot by email too. Not my finest moment but really the method doesn’t really matter after time elapses. I did it because I could pour my heart into it with kindness, choose my words, and I knew I’d make a pig’s ear of it had I tried to do it face to face. Cowardly? Yes it was, I guess…but most of our relationship had actually been via EMAIL anyway. It seemed a fitting way to end it. So I am not someone who goes all postal on someone who chose to end via email. If there was kindness and empathy when it was done. I mean it’s not like we’re talking a “Post It” note are we?

    So I am afraid i can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you that it probably won’t make or break anything of great importance. With the same guy I speak of I did write an email that was heartfelt and we did reconcile only to break up again.

    Again you split for a reason. What was it? Be honest with yourself is it really HIM you miss or the idea of him. More often than not it’s the latter.

    Good luck and keep me posted with whatever your decide.

    Just know there’s not really a RIGHT or a WRONG answer here. We’re all different.

    If you do it though just be sure it’s without EXPECTATION or HOPE of reconciliation.

    Do it with gratitude if at all.

    Good luck!

  9. sandy

    I want to write a letter to me ex too in hopes of reconciliation.I saw your letter to your ex,and it was really heartwarming to see that.I really want to get my back with my ex,and I was thinking of saying I could see why the relationship didnt work..and also want to thank him for the good times as well..I dont know if that would get him to into thinking that I am no longer interested ..as I want to subtly convey just that..how to do that?

  10. Sarah

    Here a little update.

    I ended up sending a short apology letter to him via email. Nothing whinny or desperate, just a little short letter acknowledging the mistakes I’ve made in the relationship and told him that I was sorry if I’ve hurt his feelings. I honestly didn’t expect a reply or an apology but he ended up replying after few hours. His reply was short and said that he was appreciative of the letter and didn’t resent me for anything. He also said that our relationship was “rare and will never find anything like it.” This kind of gave me a mixed feeling, maybe he interested in reconciling but doesn’t know how to approach it…? In the end, he said to give him a call/text if I ever wanted to catch up or meet up with him.
    We ended up exchanging numbers but nothing major was said over our text messages. My question is, now that we’re communicating, how long should I wait to ask him if we can meet up? Or should I wait for him to ask first? And if I ever end up meeting him, what should I say? Do tell him how I feel or just be casual and not mention anything to him?

    I’m hopeful 🙂

    Thanks for the input.

  11. corey

    I’m glad I found this site! I have just recently written a letter to an ex that I dumped. It was for a very good reason that I called a quits cause he was a pill addict and did horrible things to me at the end of our relationship (cheated on me and got married to her only weeks later, stalked me and she threatened me). However I really loved this boy throughout all of this and understood that the things he did was because of his addiction and who he was when he did these drugs. If it wasn’t for that he would be a wonderful person and honestly the best relationship I’ve had. I felt closer to him then any other guy. Well its been about 6 or 7 months since we last had contact and since then he has ended up in jail and so a letter is all I have to contact him. Really all I want to ask in this letter is how he is doing and how he feels. Him being in jail is a blessing cause it keeps him off the streets and is the only time he is 100% sober. The reason I am hesitant to write is because of what he has done to me and if starting this communication again will make it difficult to stay away ftom him once he gets out. I still love him and worry about him like crazy all the time and I find myself having dreams about him getting better or even getting worse. I feel like maybe if I write him then it’ll help me clear my head and stop thinking about it. Then again he might write back hatefully and that would hurt all over again. I believe the things he did was because of the drugs but it still scares me to think he could have meant it. So what should I do? Write or leave it alone? 🙂 thanks!

  12. thea Post author

    Thanks for the comment. I am afraid I don’t have time to respond to you just yet. It’s my birthday weekend but will come back to you as soon as possible. My gut is write but sit on things for a while. Write it all out in a journal to get it out of your HEAD…Might be best to keep to No Contact. Focus energy on yourself not him and what he is or isn’t doing or what he is or isn’t feeling…? take care x

  13. jason carfano

    Okay, so I need some advice. I want to write a letter to someone from my past, not really an ex cause we never hooked up. All the emotions were there and I feel like I missed the oportunity to have something great with this person and I never really told them how I felt. Its been over three years and I see them around but never have the chance to talk face to face. I really think the letter I’ve written expresses all the things I never said. They tried to make an attempt to reconnect a couple years back but I didn’t answer the phone cause I was going through some things and I wasn’t ready emotionaly to deal with all this, but now I am. Should I send them a letter saying all the things I never said?

  14. thea Post author

    Though I believe I replied personally / privately on my birthday no less (LOL) I thought I’d quickly reply again publicly. It’s been three years. You’re possibly carrying a torch? What do you hope will happen if you send the email? What is the underlying expectation?

    I am all for adopting attitudes of gratitude…so writing him to thank him for being a part of your life, possibly apologising for not accepting contact when s/he reached out…then yes by all means…

    If it’s deep down a real hope of a Hollywood Ending I’d say monitor those expectations and be careful.

    Really at the end of the day more people will likely get to their lives and regret what they didn’t do when it comes to things like this – then what they did.

    In other words, sure express your feelings – it might give peace / closure to the person or in some slight stroke of fate it might spur a reunion to talk about things face to face which may lead to more. But my advice is speak from the heart then prepare for the worst (being ignored or ending up with a wrath thrown at you) and hope for the best (to open dialogue for a future relationship or friendship of sorts).

    Hope that helps???

    Best

    Thea

  15. jason carfano

    That really helps, I appreciate you’re advise it has confirmed everything I have been thinking. I’m not sure what type of response I’m looking for from this person but I think its better saying everything I have held up inside instead of regreting it one day. Thank you again and happy belated birthday. I let you know when I send it, I’ll probably need more advise lol. Talk to you soon.

  16. Tish

    I came here in hopes of answers on if i should email my ex. I am now a married women with 3 kids so there is no hopes on getting back together. Him and I were just really good friends, he gave me the best advice. When the two of us were together his mother and father would always encourage me to go back to school, my self, children and their influence is the reason I am now a college student. I just want to write him and tell him that I am finally on the right path and thank his parents for being the only ones who showed me the importance of education. Would this be a good idea? He has a girlfriend and i don’t want her to get upset with him because i email him. I just want to thank him. Should I just send a letter to his parents? I really want to share with them my accomplishments and future goals because of their wisdom.

  17. Jasmine

    Hello,
    I was just reading this blog and for some time now I wanted to send a letter to my ex. It has been almost four years since the break up but we would talk off and on during those fours years. The last time I spoke to him was November of last year and I haven’t heard from him since. I know that he was dating again but several months after the breakup someone told me that they had a talk with him and he told this person that he wanted to be with me again but he didn’t want me to know. I feel stuck because I don’t feel the same way around other guys that I could go out with(the attraction would probably last for a week) and I realized that these guys didn’t have the qualities that I was looking for. I’m not trying to say that my ex was perfect but I find that I don’t feel as interested once I spend time with other guys. One of my fears is the fact that my stepfather is the reason my ex stopped talking to me, he went through my phone and got my ex’s number and I don’t know if he pretended to be me or something. There’s just something in my gut that’s telling me something but I can’t explain it but I don’t want to be wrong about my intuition because of the fear of embarrassment and making things worse. It was just strange but whenever my ex saw me with a guy(even one I wasn’t dating) he would physically step in between me and the other guy to split us apart. I’m so confused right now so I know not to send him anything yet. I wanted to vent some of this pressure off my chest because the issue has been causing me to experience physical pain, especially debilitating migraines.

  18. thea Post author

    Hello J and welcome, you sure sound like me. Both with an ex – and remaining in contact off and on and still feeling residual pulls. Not great is it? Nor are the headaches.

    To be honest I am swithering on this one. There’s a part of me that thinks if a man really wants to be with us – he will be. Saying “oh I want to be with her but don’t tell her” is a bit of poppy cock. What kind of wussy comment is that? Don’t you want a man that has the balls to come and speak to you about it if that is the case? I mean really…

    On the other hand – sounds like you’re carrying the torch of “hope” my least fave of all torches…and until you do something I suspect you won’t actually MOVE ON which is what ought to be happening by now!

    It can be hard to tell whether it’s our actual “intuition” and our “wishful thinking” don’t you think? Fine line that.

    These guys you’ve not been attracted to probably didn’t stand a chance due to that aforementioned torch!!

    I think the letter to an ex can be a good thing – even if you write it for yourself and “sit on it” for a while. Write out everything you wish you could say. Give it that 48-hour Rule and see if you can re-read it again without so much as changing ONE WORD…if you can, and still feel the need to send it then send it. If you make any changes the clock starts over. You know?

    Imagine you met a great guy. He was sexy, attentive, totally compatible with you – would you be thinking about your ex at all? Really? I find that we only think of these past exes when there’s no one in our lives to focus on. So we look back at what we knew and we romanticize things about the ex. Really you broke up for a reason. What was it?

    At the end of the day I don’t know you or your ex. I don’t think writing him would necessarily hurt anything…and if you wrote an email as a “gratitude” email (or letter) then who wouldn’t appreciate that. You don’t need to be embarrassed for thanking someone for being in your life, you know? I presume you weren’t going to write him and say “I’ve missed you, heard you missed me, shall we try again”? That’d be ballsy alright but maybe not the best tactic.

    Instead – maybe taking it from a “I know it’s been a while, you cross my mind from time to time and so I thought I’d write. I am really grateful for the time we spent together. I think that dating people over the past few years have really made me appreciate what we had so much more…”

    That sort of thing. Then you could maybe just leave a “let me know if you fancy grabbing a coffee” (tea, beer whatever) type comment. Nothing embarrassing about tea!

    One cautionary tale. I’d not write an epic. Speaking as Tolstoy here, I find that guys don’t really necessarily appreciate how wordy and expressive we can be because they are not that way. We write them those types of of emails/letters etc WISHING they’d write us that way but seldom do they do so…

    So keep it fairly short, succinct, with gratitude and a possible action point. No three pages dissecting it all…they seem to hate covering old ground too 😉

    Really my top tip is follow your gut. If it leads you to write then write. If it leads you to send, then send. I find that men don’t really know how to respond so don’t feel too much a heel if he doesn’t (that’s something to take on board, how would you feel if he ignored it?) It’s why I suggest keeping it brief and not 3 pages long!

    Keep me posted will you? And good luck. x

  19. thea Post author

    Tough call. You’ve moved on. He’s trying to. Yet on the other hand it’s nice to hear good updates and gratitude for encouragement. I’d probably write the parents and thank them for their support. Everyone likes to feel like they’re making a difference don’t they? Keep it short, it doesn’t need to be an epic. Share those goals and thank (all of) them for that wisdom and wish them well too.

    Good for you for being a mature student! What are you studying? x

    PS: I think you were the 1000th comment on the site here so thanks for that!! x

  20. Sky

    I’ve stumbled upon this great blog, in what seems, just the knick of time. My ex and I have only recently just broken up – and it was quite messy. We were meant to be moving together interstate, however, we had a rough patch in between and I broke up with him (to cut a long story short). I had also made the decision not to go with him when he chose to leave either. He eventually contacted me saying he screwed up and wanted another chance etc. I still loved him so I went back.

    We were together for a short time, and he got me pregnant, and while I’m trying to organise what my options are (termination or keep the baby)… he says he is leaving to go back to his home town. I asked what was going to happen to us? He said he didn’t know etc, he gave me the date that he was leaving. And I broke things off hastily and was very upset.

    I tried to talk to him but it only ended in arguments of him leaving and a lot of abuse, me saying I felt as though he was abandoning me. The plan was he was to move in with his parents and I follow a month later when he had a job and house for us to stay.

    Sadly, I had a termination last Tuesday and he made no initiative to contact me or ask how I was or anything. He has been quite cruel towards it.

    He has moved now. And I have written him a letter. Don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. I am unsure. Can anyone give me some advice on what to do?

  21. thea Post author

    Like I’ve tended to say to most people – write it – sit on it for at least 48 hours then re-read it and if you make any changes the clock resets and you have to do it again. The reason for the 48 Hour Rule is so that you don’t do any more HASTY responses.

    He’s NOT moved on in just a few weeks. He may be trying to and guys tend to be better at compartmentalizing than we are but he’s more than likely struggling to cope with stuff too. So don’t read too much into his actions or assume anything just yet.

    I wish he’d been there for you. I am sorry he wasn’t. I think it’s better this sort of thing happened now than if you’d moved to be with him – away from YOUR SUPPORT network etc. I moved 7000 miles across the world with my new husband only to be dumped 3 years later…It’s not a nice experience.

    I’d say write and write and write but not sure you need to send just yet.

    He likely feels like a TOAD and may even be AFRAID to contact you now. I am not sure.

    Write. Sit on it. See how you feel in a few days – sometimes that impulse passes but ultimately follow your gut.

    The problem with the letter to the EX is they’re usually done when people are still so raw. They’re filled with hurt, anger, accusations, recriminations, frustrations, judgements etc…so the EX gets the letter and is immediately on the DEFENSIVE. They either don’t read or read it and just get pissed off and then call the sender all sorts of names. So there is an ART to sending a letter to an ex where it doesn’t get the back up and they can actually take on board the comments.

    I think there’s a blog in this. But it’s midnight almost and I am working so now is not the time.

    Follow your gut but watch your tone. Consider your REASON for sending it. Consider your true motivation and hope. Consider how you’d feel with no response. Consider how you feel with a backlash back!

    Weigh it all up. xx

  22. Sky

    Thanks Thea!

    I’ve poured my heart out in the letter but I’ve decided I’m going to wait it out.
    He has always wanted to do a fitness camp in Thailand (goes for about 3 months), and that’s the plan now. He leaves to Thailand next Tuesday and I thought a goodbye letter would be appropriate. But I’m going to wait it out.

    Maybe in a few months down the road, if he chooses to contact me and apologise – that’s when I can send him the letter.

    Thanks again. This website has really helped me! Much love xxx

  23. thea Post author

    I am glad it helped Sky.

    If he’s going away, then that’s a perfect time for you do some healing and dealing as it were. You may find you both have some changes of perspectives.

    I always find it’s good to work on things like this from my own point and work though any EGOIC desire for an apology or explanation…that way I am never disappointed due to having EXPECTATIONS about someone else.

    I know the feeling all to well where you want to shake the person and say “Don’t you realise how much you hurt me?” – in the big picture sense of it all, it doesn’t matter what they say/think/feel. Everything passes. It’s healthier if we can forgive and release rather than remain indignant and ever-so-justified in our hurt and anger. That sort of negativity only hurts US not our exes! So it’s futile.

    So work on the healing. Keep doing the writing. I bet things will change. I had a note I wrote my ex in the early week or two after the split and three months down the road I totally didn’t feel the same! Years on I feel none of it! All that anger and outrage of how he could fall for someone else and run off into the sunset with her. HOW DARE HIM. LOL. On down the road it was GOOD FOR HIM!

    So keep processing hon. x

  24. Jasmine

    Thank you for responding to my comment, Thea. I’m not trying to speak up for the ex or anything like that. At times, he would say something about missing me I would go further but I’m kind of on the fence about saying anything else. Again whenever I was interested in someone else I felt alright putting myself out there again. Later on I would realize that this guy wasn’t for me period and I felt like I wasted my time. To make matters worse some people in my family would try to set me up with he guy that I was talking to but I couldn’t see any between us. At the moment I’m just confused.

  25. crystal linares

    I’ve actually wrote a letter to my ex but haven’t been able to send it. I have the time I’m just afraid he wont reply back. We have not spoken or seen eachother since the breakup its been 3months. I’ve know him for 8 years he was one of my closes friends. He broke up with me, he still wanted to keep in touch but I said I wouldn’t be able to handle it, I regret it because I miss him. Somedays I’m happy the fact that he broke up with me but there are some days I wish I could still be able to talk to him. He has a kid and that’s the reason why he dump me, he said he was only going to hold me back from enjoying my youth. And now I have this letter on my hand thinking if I should mail it or not. In the letter I wrote that I hope his doing well and that I wish him the best. I’m afraid his not going to reply to my letter ..recently I saw that his talking to a new girl and he seems happy.

  26. thea Post author

    You’ve been friends 8 years? Of course you miss him and he misses you too.

    It’s only been 3 months – things really are “subject to change”.

    If you REALLY mean you wish him the best and hope he’s doing well, really mean it, then send it. It doesn’t even matter whether he responds or not (mostly they don’t!) But what sounds to me like you wrote this letter hoping it will somehow convince him to come back. That’s a different story altogether.

    If you can get to the point you can send it, truly wish him well and not NEED any response – that’s the time to send it.

    Doesn’t sound like you’re there yet.

    We all have FEARS honey – (Fears stands for: Failure, Embarrassment, Abandonment, Rejection, Success)

    It’s totally natural. But if you were grateful of your time together, you truly wish him well then say it and LET IT GO.

    How young are you? What age is he? How old is the kid?

    Hang in there x

  27. Mike

    My ex and I broke up last week(she did the finalization). We have only fought about one thing that we couldn’t get past on three occasions. Once in a fight things spiraled out of control and other issues were brought up on both sides.

    I made many mistakes, after gathering my thoughts I wrote them down on a piece of paper, typed them up and brought this paper to a conversation we had. I had asked her if it was okay with her if I brought some notes about my thoughts because I didn’t want to forget them in the middle of the conversation and she said she was fine with it. It was a huge mistake to take it out of my pocket and show it to her (her request). The notes listed what was my issue was yet also listed anything that bothered me about our relationship, whether small or big. Most of which didn’t really matter yet she read it, kept it for several days and I am sure read it many times over. I think this magnified the issues in our relationship.

    After the last fight, we tried to get through the fight. We essentially went through the motions of seeing one another and she had so much anger inside that she was incredibly cold. She told me her feelings had changed towards me. What that exactly means I am not sure. Because of this I kept asking her if she was okay and this further upset her. We would get closer one day after seeing each other and then much further apart the next until several days in a row we grew further and further apart.

    Net net is that last week after my instigation of trying to get things back on the right track we broke up. She sent me a message saying that we both tried and that she knows we are not right for each other. She wishes the best for me and my son yet doesn’t want to see each other.

    I am not over her and don’t know if writing a letter expressing everything would help at all. I have read this whole post and believe my hopes for reconciliation are pie in the sky dreams yet if I don’t try, it will most definitively never occur, right. Take 0 shots and their is a zero percent chance of reconciliation.

    My other thought is even if we both start to date other people, at least with a letter or a talk she will know where I stand in our relationship.

    Thoughts?

  28. thea Post author

    Been on holiday for a few days (wish it was a few more).

    I guess follow your gut on this one. I don’t suppose it will make or break it.

    In my experience people don’t know what to say. Why not just give this whole thing a bit of time / space. You guys broke up for a reason. You made a LIST out of it. You probably aren’t a good long term fit – even if you guys like each other…so why not write the letter and sit on it for a bit and see how you feel in a few weeks.

    Tell me the exact reasons you split and what was on your list…

    Sometimes people need some time a part to process things and to get a chance to miss the other person. I am sure she probably knows how you feel – does she not? My gut is you split for a reason…(this is my intuition talking) – so fill me in. OK?

  29. Violet

    Hello Thea,
    Thank you so much for writing this post. It has honestly helped me out a ton, though I want to make sure that what I am doing is rational. My ex and I just broke up three weeks ago, mutually, due to the two of us going to different schools for university in the fall. We haven’t really spoken since, though we did exchange Thank You e-mails right after it happened, and we talked and chatted for about two hours after we decided to break up. My question is that while we are on good terms, and haven’t had contact since the day we broke up besides occasionally liking one another’s posts on Facebook, if I should shoot him a text or short letter before he leaves for college saying that I wish him the best and how I hope he does best in life, because I truly do want him to know these things. He always was telling me how I was so hard to figure out and how he never quite knew how I felt during the relationship, and though I feel as though we are both ready to move on and are over the relationship, I just wanted to write him a letter not asking for him back, but to let him know that I truly do think of him as an incredible person and wishing him well in the next phase of our lives. Anyways, thank you so much for your help, sorry for the confusion if my comment was rather long and rambly. I sincerely applaud you for this blog, it has helped me a ton during this breakup!

  30. thea Post author

    You’re so sweet! Thanks for that…

    Anyway – I think this is filed under “Follow your gut”. I don’t think it’s really necessary but if you feel it is then do it. I am sure he pretty much knows it. Regardless of his saying he couldn’t read you at times! Do you live in the same area? Are you likely to bump into each other at Christmas break? Either do it before heading off to uni or leave it a few months and give an update if you still feel the urge.

    Anyway if you can write a note and not expect ANY reply without feeling angry/hurt/sad/resentful…if he doesn’t reply, then go for it. Speak from the heart, with gratitude and wish him well. I did that with an ex (or three). Rarely got replies but that didn’t change my intention for writing it. You know?

    Good luck x

  31. Pingback: Writing a Letter to An Ex? Consider This… | soyouvebeendumped.com

  32. cheryl

    I would love to tell him how I feel and how he made me feel….I wouldnt send him a letter, as I know that would give him great satisfaction that I am still sad… 🙁
    Its been 6 weeks since we broke up, we have been in and out of a 9 year relationship, but I know its over, and this is the most severe pain I have ever felt, you would think i’d be used to it by now, but nope, this is so hard to the point I have been referred to a councellor!
    I would love him to feel bad that he has made me this way, I feel no self worth, zero self esteem, needy and emotional…
    He did text me the other day and asked if I was ok, but that just makes it worse! No, I am not ok….!! 🙁
    I am not going to ease his guilt!
    Anyway, I have wrote a letter, but not sent it, I can just keep looking at it and it reminds me of all the stuff he did.

  33. Jay

    Great post and thanks for the 48-hour-rule… it saved me from sending a 4000 word essay 2 days after I got dumped!

    Anyway, I had an amazing connection with a girl from a traumatic past. I triggered a defense mechanism and she cut me off cold, without any warning or chance to discuss it.

    This was 6 days ago – apart from a brief e-mail the day after, telling her I thought it was a mistake, there has been no contact between us.

    I really want her back, both for my own sake and for hers. I was a good thing in her life. We never argued, were amazing together, and to end this way is so sad.

    I want to send her a letter gently explaining my feelings and offering to be there for her. I know she still has love towards me, but I don’t know how long to wait.

    Any suggestions? =)

  34. thea Post author

    Cher – sorry about the pain. 9 years is a mega long time to be in/out of it.

    >> you would think i’d be used to it by now

    Ha, yeah sadly doesn’t work that way. I know what you mean though.

    It is just gonna take some to adjust – to process…

    >> Its been 6 weeks since we broke up,…

    You use the word “still sad” but frankly after so many years 6 weeks is nothing.

    when you say the letter reminds you of what he did – what do you mean? Good? Bad? Both?

    Why did you opt for being referred to a counselor? Was it specifically this break up or are there other things that it’s triggered? What was the reason for the split after 9 years off/on?

    I know it sucks and there’s nothing you can do to Fast Forward through it either. It’s going to be a roller coaster (not as much fun though) for a while. Actually having been at BLACKPOOL last week it is like a roller coaster. The highs, the lows, the feeling battered and bruised. It really is similar (though roller coasters last just a few minutes and you can get off them!)

    Heartbreak recovery means we’re not as lucky as that. But truly even though you had no say in the matter to how/when/where it all ended. You are the one in the driver’s seat – ready to do with this experience what you will. You can let it take you off on an amazing voyage of discovery. It can totally be the MAKING of you – if you let it. So hopefully the counselor will guide you in the right direct of how to turn this painful experience into something life changing and wonderful.

    I, 100% believe that can be the case. If you let that be your goal. Your focus.

    You hang in there. Try to eat right. Try to sleep a fairly “normal” amount (7 or 8 hours). Keep busy. Keep writing. Keep getting exercise. Vent to friends (or here). Pamper yourself a bit. Travel. Make a list of 15 things you always wanted to do but haven’t yet. Especially ones that wouldn’t have been so possible in THAT relationship!

    You can do this. You really can. xx

  35. cher

    Thank you Thea,

    I needed to see a councellor because I wanted to hear that is wasnt just all my fault. Yes, I put up with the pish he gave, but I was loyal and a patient GF.

    Why do we break up, why does he realise then come back, says hes changed, but after 6 months clearly he hasnt, why do I put up with it, why didnt I say go and the question is, why does he do it to me? There is a reason he comes back time and time again.

    But I know in my heart of hearts and so does he (i’m guessing) this is it, no way back and never will be back together which is the hardest thing to get my head around 🙁 xxx

  36. Mike

    Sorry for the delay in my response.

    We argued because I felt I was the only one bringing “magic” into the relationship. After some 45 or so dates, she prepared 1 meal for us and brought it to my house, which I then prepared. One other night she picked up some hamburgers and rolls and brought it over.

    She could clearly explain that the guy is supposed to pay for every date, the guy was suppose to initiate all contact for quite awhile and then most contact, the guy was suppose to plan everything, etc. After our 3rd argument she agreed that if I wanted her input as to what we were going to do then I could call and ask her and this didn’t, at the time, seem right for me. During our arguments, she would say “I don’t want to talk about this ever again, is their anything else at all that is on your mind”, at which point in time my head was all messed up and couldn’t really think clearly, thus the idea of writing down my thoughts on a piece of paper.

    The note included that I didn’t think any individual items that we spoke about really bothered me (plan everything, pay for everything, starting almost every conversation, she told me she had a muscle “condition” yet wouldn’t tell me which one (“ask me about it and I will answer your questions” she told me yet if I have no idea what it is, I didn’t have a base to ask her from), she didn’t want to sleep over even though we stayed up to 4 in the morning at my place and then she went home to sleep at her place almost every date.

    So the note essentially said that what I believed was bothering me is that when we had differences of opinions/beliefs it didn’t seem like my belief system was taking into consideration, it seemed to me that it was her way or the highway.

    Since the note wasn’t intended to be seen by her, I also listed many random thoughts that essentially resonated with this idea. (she wanted to know about my past relationships and i told her yet she was unwilling to tell me about hers, at first you said you were fine for me to stop by your house and now your feelings have changed, why, you don’t seem to thank me for the things I do with you anymore, when i would hint about her wearing some provocative things she would respond and say “if you tell me to (which I never told her to, i said she would look great in XY or Z) I will not want to do it (in 4 months she did once))…

    I have waited 4 weeks without contact to give her time to process things and left her a voice mail yesterday saying “Hi XXXX, this is YYYY, I need to talk to you about something, drop me a line when you get a chance” with no response.

    When we did do things together, we both had an amazing time. I simply believe that both people in a relationship need to create the “magic” and felt things were unfair in this aspect.

    I was the first person that her 12 year old daughter met and she was the first person my 7 year old son met so we both know how we felt for each other. Even the last day we saw each other, she said “I am so angry with you, Sam (her daughter, fake name) asked when we were going to hang out together because she has a good time hanging out with you”

    Thoughts…

  37. Tracy

    Only once I wrote a letter to an ex. I had been seeing him for 4 months…before the split. Short time I know…but I had fell for him hard. Long story short…I was pissed off about alot of things when it ended….so I blasted him in a letter. The funny thing is…I have never regretted that letter one single day. It has been yearssss since then…and never once have I felt foolish for doing it. To this day…I am glad I told him what I thought of him ! But now….in my current circumstance….just dumped by my 4 year relationship…I have no intention of writing any letters or trying to get in contact. In this case…I know there is no use…and want to avoid exposing myself to any further pain. In this case…I am just going to grieve it out until I heal. Even though it feels like I will never heal. Every circumstance is different.

  38. M

    I’ve actually written a letter to my ex but have been sitting on it for a few days. Basically when we first got together, it was like breathing. I was the first girl he ever said ‘I love you’ to. We went to high school together but never really hung out until about 9 years later and were both wondering why we hadn’t done so sooner.

    I was living with my parents at the time (I’m on disability) and absolutely had to leave. My ex said I could stay with him until I found somewhere else but then said I could stay there. He’d never lived with a girlfriend before and had been living by himself in the same apartment for 4 years. Immediately after moving in, things changed. He broke up with me ‘for good’ after 2 past ‘attempts’. I didn’t move out until almost a month later due to difficulties finding a place due to my income. A little over a week since moving out, I finally gave in and contacted him for the first time about the weather (weird, I know, but it was raining and we both love the rain) and asked if he wanted to get together. He said work was crazy and I told him that if he wants to but it’s too soon, to just let me know, and if he doesn’t want to then tell me (honestly, he’s broken up with me and ‘thrown’ me out already – why beat around the bush?). He told me work really WAS crazy but it was also too soon.

    It’s been a little over a week since then and I haven’t contacted him at all. I’ve made some changes in my life and now that we aren’t living together, I think things could work out again. We never had a single fight while we were together, he told me it was the living arrangements he wasn’t ready for, and while I was there post break-up, we were still very friendly (tho obviously we didn’t go out or sleep together).

    I want to write him a letter agreeing for the breakup – which I think given the circumstances really was for the best – and telling him about a few of the changes I’ve made but leaving out enough to give me something to tell him when I see him. Basically I want to know if the hope I have is for nothing or if he’d be willing to start fresh and slow sometime soon (not like, months from now). I want to wait maybe another week before sending it. He always complained about never getting mail so I thought a letter would be nice, and unexpected.

    Thoughts?

  39. Tracy

    Hi M. I’m not Thea (the one who runs this site) but…my thoughts are this: Since he was the one who had you leave the apartment…and broke up with you…all contact and requests to get together should come from HIM. I think for you to keep persuing him is only going to result in him becoming less interested. I am no expert…but I personally would never persue someone who initiated our seperation. He would have to show me that he had a true change of heart before I would give him another chance. I’d give him space and time…leave him be…so you can find out just how much he really wants to reunite. Believe me…if he wants to see you…he’ll call !! Actions always speak louder then words…xxoo..,All Best !

  40. flowerinsb

    Hi,

    Thank you for this because I was getting so depressed after I spoke with my friend about this issue. Few months ago I started dating a guy. After I saw some red flags and realized he probably was a player I told him that I was leaving the relationship because I was looking for a long term relationship, I am 40 years old and I want to settle down. He said he needed time, after two months he contact me by text and I decided to see him. But we never met because he always had an excuse. However, he sent me text saying how much he missed me. Then I knew he was playing me and got so upset. I sent I text and I was so mean. However, I i felt so bad and I sent an email to apologize for that harsh email and wishing him good luck. I also thanked him for the good and nobody to blame because after all I allowed that relationship. I really meant everyword I meant. But when I told my best friend she told me that I was acting like a crazy person. I feel bad and it hurts because if my friends who knows me think something like that.

  41. Tracy

    Man oh Man…what is up with all these stories I am hearing about friends being so unsupportive ! Dosen’t sound to me like you did anything wrong. You let your feelings fly to him in a text…then later felt bad…retracted your words…and wished him good luck. Nothing wrong with that ! The only thing you should be upset about…is that you have a friend who decided to ADD to your misery by making you feel bad about yourself ! That makes her the crazy person…NOT YOU ! We all feel confused when we are in situations like the one you describe. Your fine…you did nothing wrong. But just stay away from that guy now. Best of Luck…xo

  42. Shanell

    This guy and I have known each other for a year. We started as friends but later developed feelings for each other. We were joined at the hip but then about two months ago he stopped all contact. I’d gotten evicted from my apartment (I told him this) but there was no concern. He hasn’t asked if everything is alright. Doesn’t know where I am (I could be homeless or living out of my vehicle for all he knows). He hasn’t contacted me since so I waver between hurt, fury, sadness and confusion.

    I’ve been there for him a lot, and for him to just up and walk away without any explanation makes me feel…well, it makes me feel a lot of things. I believe that my feelings are valid, so I felt like I had a right to let him know that he didn’t have the right to treat me the way he has. I sent the email today as I need closure. I sent it without expectation of a response…it was purely for me. As it stands, I don’t regret it…we’ll see. 🙂

  43. Nina Krueger

    Here is what I did last Wednesday.
    I wrote an emerald to my ex, a closure letter.
    I was emotional, we had broken up a Month ago.
    Thought one month is good time for cooling down, I did and just wanted share with my thoughts and feelings with my ex.
    He wasn’t not a talker, we broke up with out saying anything to each other, we’ve never talked about problems in the relationship.
    I felt like I had to express my self to him,one last time.
    I set on my letter for 24 hours and than decided to sand it.
    I wasn’t expecting for an answer or anything from him.
    I needed to get staff out my system.
    The letter was: Hi. We never had final talk, although we’ve never really talked about our problems and feelings. I’m contacting you to get everything out of my system, one last time.
    I wish I didn’t have to check up on you ( it made me feel bad). I wish you would have come and talk to me.
    I would have worked on problems with you.
    Remember how many times i told you that, I didn’t want to go through another relationship? I wanted to stay in one and work on it?
    We would still be caring for each other, if we would have done the right thing.
    I don’t regret anything except the one: I never told you that I was in love with you, I made you think that I was cold.
    As humans it is normal to miss good times from the past.
    I will miss are times cooking together, little times spent on the couch, drinking wine, singing and dancing,( this little moments counts). But this all will soon become a part of the past memories.
    I am doing good now, now that I learned another life lesson,keeping busy, a lot has changed in the past month. It is helping me to move on.
    I want to ask you one more thing: i loved the pictures we took upstate, if you haven’t erased them please send them to me.
    It’s sad that we had to part the way we did.

    So, that’s what I wrote, I wasn’t expecting to hear back from him.
    He was not an emotional man, if ill tell you who he was what kind of a man, you would all ask me, why I even wanted to send him a letter?
    I just wanted say the things I sed in the letter. I didn’t get pictures from him, I wasn’t expecting to, he gets angry and mean so easily, he would never do anything for me again. I’m not expecting anything back.
    My friends were trying to confuse me, one would say: I made a wrong dession by emailing him, another one: its ok, and the third one would say: it’s 50/50, it’s not bad or good?
    I now know I don’t care, I did what I did, I don’t want him back.
    I don’t know any sane peron that would even spend a second with him. I did, for over one year, I felt nothing but misery with him.
    I still wrote him the letter. He’ll take it as I’m thinking about him and by ignoring me he’ll think he is hurting me more, rejecting me, I know how does he think. I was hurt and igored by him, when we lived under the same roof.
    I expect nothing, I am moving on.

  44. Lola

    Good afternoon,
    My ex and I had been in a relationship for 4 years, we been thru a lot together from miscarriage to wanting to do the right things as christian people. I have been so confuse lately because, he wants me around but doesnt want nothing serious and only wants me around when he asks for me too not when I want to see him. He says he doesnt want to be with nobody that God wants him to stay alone and that his priority is God and I’m a distraction (which I’m the one that has helped him along the way to where he is at know) and he says I’m to blame, for him not being dedicated fully to God, he works a lot of hours including at home he will sleep with his laptop on. Yet he has this controlling behavior and comments of manipulation and attitude and I am so confuse… I have started writing a letter in which I will wait the 48 hours. but I need help on how to let him know I’m getting tired of waiting around and not acting like adults and communicating and opening up towards each other, by the way he is over 40

  45. Jill

    Wow, they say that you see what you need to see exactly when you need to see it, and they are not kidding! Stumbling across this blog has been a Godsend. I, too, am struggling. I broke up with my ex a year ago for many reasons.

    During this past year, I was fine, and I knew I made the right decision. She called and cried all year, but I still never budged. About 3 months ago, she came over, and we were intimate. Stupid on my part. Long story short, it was that very day that I found out that she had been seeing someone all year. She started dating her 2 months after we broke up. And now I’M a mess.

    Fine all year, and now I want her back?? I know better, but my feelings feel very real. I am in pain. I can’t sleep, and I can’t eat. During these 3 months, she and I started talking every day about reconciling. She admitted she still loves me. She broke up with her girlfriend (after putting her through emotional trauma), and she and I decided to spend some time together. So we spent the weekend together. It was not the same. It felt weird. Too many issues and too many walls.

    Needless to say, I have not heard from her since. It’s been 2 weeks. I am angry. I feel used. I want to write her a letter, but I am scared of her response or lack thereof. I have no idea what is going on in her life these past 2 weeks. If she’s back with the other girl or if she’s alone. As I read this back, I realize how incredibly ridiculous all this is. I broke up with her, and I was very happy for months afterwards.

    What’s going on with me? I can’t fathom how she could just cut off contact without a word. The dumper becomes the dumpee. I’m amazed at this turn of events and even more amazed at the feelings I am having. Should I just leave things as they are or get closure? I am hoping that as time goes on, I will start feeling the way I did for most of this year, but every morning I wake up and want to punch a wall. Thanks for reading this!

  46. thea Post author

    Go easy on yourself hon. You are doing ok. I know you’re hurting again after the re-connect. A long time ago I got rid of the term “used” because I realised it wasn’t really true (for me). You did what you did because you wanted to – and you presumably enjoyed it just as she did. You both maybe needed to try this again in order to truly let it go. You know? It’d be nice if she was mature enough to have the conversation instead of disappearing but she didn’t and so you can’t.

    You said it was weird and too much had maybe gone on anyway. So it starts to just sound like “EGO” at play. You’re doing fine hon. Get back on your path. Get over this one and bring in a better fit where it feels right ok? Treat yourself like your best friend. Be kind, gentle and have some compassion for yourself. You’re only human – just as she is too. We’re all totally imperfect/flawed but still perfect in that. Keep me posted. Keep writing anyway even if just in a journal to process the feelings to sort out what’s real and what’s just “stories” created by the mind! Curses to our minds at times like these…x

  47. Laragh

    Hi Thea, my new boyfriend broke up with me after four months. He was having doubts and asked for space, he was in a bad place mentally and emotionally. I forced his hand which backfired, he ended it, saying he had very strong feelings but was not ready for a relationship. he wanted to be friends, I said no contact. Although the break up was amicable enough I guess I Blamed him and probably said some unfair things. It’s been a week. I have realized that it was unfair to blame him as there was a lot going on in my life aswell and the timing was just bad. I want to send him an email explaining my own contribution to the failure of the relationship because I genuinely feel that. Also I don’t want him to feel bad because I know he has a tendency to feel very guilty about things, he confided a lot in me. Is this a good or bad idea?

  48. Jessica

    Wow, I’ve never commented on something like this. But I’ve also never found such strange comfort in the sad stories of others.

    I’ve been strong with no contact for 3 weeks now, but am so torn. He was my best friend for the last two years. We were emotionally involved for the last year and had a pretty intense roller coaster of a dating relationship.

    He ended things suddenly, three days before our trip to my hometown, and now while I am here on the trip I found out that he is moving across the country.

    The move makes the breakup feels so tragically final, which I know will help me to heal, but I am so devastated at not even getting to say goodbye.

    He write me a long letter a week ago telling me how much he cares about me and cherishes our time together, and explaining why and when he is moving. He wants to stay I communication. I found his kind words overwhelming and confusing, though it definitely felt like his way of “letting me go.”

    Where is the line of self-protection vs being a decent human being and responding? I’ve accepted that the relationship needed to end, but want him to know I valued the friendship.

  49. thea Post author

    I am not one who can “ignore” someone – especially after what sounds to be a heart felt letter/email whatever. I personally (I can only speak for myself of course, ever) would reply from a place of gratitude.

    A sort of: “Hey thank you for your words, it was hard to read them. You meant a lot to me, this is very painful, I accept your decision to end it and move away but it’s going to take time to process this. I care about you but for now I can’t be in contact. I hope you can understand. If/when I feel I am able to handle a friendship, I’ll get in touch, best wishes…” type of thing. Simple, short, not too emotional but acknowledging what’s been said and what you each meant to each other.

    Again I often say there’s no “right” or “wrong”. If this guy was someone you loved and cared about – show that. But self preservation is important now. You’ll be ok and if you truly love him, wish him well on that path – even if it’s without you….Damn hard thing to do that but worth aiming for.

    You take care x

  50. Karin

    I just returned to this site after several months. And have felt it very helpful. Thank you. I would appreciate your perspective.
    I have spent the better part of the morning composing an email to my ex who broke up with me through a text “You over analyze everything,” “I’m not diggin it,” “It feels like work” After several attempts to speak, and sending a letter in which I apologized for some insensitivities, wished him well, and thanked him for being there. I have had no contact for 4 months.

    This was the second time he broke up with me and he came back unsolicited on my part. And after a month and a half of talking we got back together. I thought that I had addressed many of the issues he had had before and he confirmed this many times. Yet one day when I was experiencing financial issues and talked to him about it ,he became irritated that I was upset about it, saying I did not have cancer and had not lost my job. I suggested that a little empathy might be a more welcome response. He withdrew and would not respond to my attempts to talk about the issue and then sent the text.

    In the process of healing over the past several months and intense counseling I have come to realize that I have serious co-dependent qualities and that his behavior was seriously counter-dependent. We likely subconsciously attracted each other. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and basically he said our communication style was not compatible that the timing was off and that I was too complicated. He does not hate me but wanted something simple. He took no responsibility. I felt it was all my fault again. I guess I was hoping for an apology, or some recognition that he had been quite callous and had played a part in our demise. Nothing of that nature. It really hurt and I cried for hours out of the blue. A response which totally floored me.

    Now I have written a letter to share my understanding about our dysfunction to expose him to the idea that he was a major contributor with the hope that he might learn about it and heal for himself. He comes from a very troubled childhood, and just found out that his father is not his real father he is 53. He tends to approach conflict, disagreement, and even emotional intimacy through avoidance and retreat.

    My point in order to discuss the dysfunction, I have spoken about how he behaved in a passive aggressive, manner using the silent treatment and emotional avoidance in many circumstances and how that contributed to more relational dysfunction. I shared a couple of links for sites that discuss this type of behavior.

    I have not interest in reconciliation. I do care about him though and wonder if my email though it may be somewhat confrontational will help him see patterns that have prevented him from forming a long lasting relationship? He has been a serial monogamist often moving from one person to the next before completely breaking up with the prior relationship since his divorce 6 years ago. He did this with me the first time, and I think probably the second as well. The fact that he proposed to me and indicated he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me suggests that deep down he would like to marry again one day. Our relationship was the longest and the one in which he indicated he shared the most. So my intention is only to shed some light on behaviors that may be holding him back.

    Thank you

  51. thea Post author

    Honestly I think write the letter FOR YOU but don’t send it. I know your intentions sound honorable but I highly doubt it will be received in the spirit with which you intend it. I personally feel that people don’t “get it” because we tell them what they’re doing. They might if it’s an unbiased person like a shrink saying it but really people come to their own learning in their own time and way.

    I know that’s probably not the answer you’re looking for. So I’d say follow your gut. I don’t think it will make or break anything – or cause him to have any sort of “epiphany” about his patterns, but you need to do what you feel led to.

    I know exactly where you’re coming from as I’ve been there so many times before. You just want to help him, show him, guide him, it’s the story of my life too…but the fact is he’s not asking for your help, your input your guidance. Only then should you offer it. Just my two cents. Have a great weekend! Thea x

  52. Luis

    I have never thought I would be writing for advice on a forum!lol but its very comforting knowing how many people go through this…

    My Ex…if you could call it that ended with me just after Christmas when I was spending time with my family in Europe. We were together for 6 months…spending every weekend and some days of the week together… I eventually asked her to be my gf pretty sure she would say yes…she said no then I replied lets end it then..theres no future…she said we didnt have to end it. She mentioned she didnt trust me… i never cheated on her… I guess once before i travelled to brazil I sent messages to friends on facebook which she got jelous. Later in the year I went to Kenya…for work I sent her messages and she wouldnt reply it hurt so bad that when I came back i didnt text or call her.. she never made me feel special but we had good times…eventually we made up for a day then I went to portugal for christmas with the family. After her being cold on texts and driving me more crazy for her she ended it with a 2 line message

    I maintained no contact until valentines day when she sent me a message a couple of days before to pick up her stuff…which I packed and left at reception….with a hearfelt message i hid in the box..(no reply if she found it) I wanted to maintain strong but it seems it just builds up…i eventually text her but she would only reply some texts…. I know she is wrong for me and many times she was very cold to me…and inconsiderate.. I see she is cold to her family and friends too… she has trust issues… Still…. I have never loved someone this much and am contemplating writing a letter… I feel like she has moved on(she was partying at her exs nightclub last night, she asked me how i was and i had too many emotions to think of a good response.. just said im not great considering all that went on but am getting on with things) I want to either completely move on or get her back…. Thats why im thinking of writing a letter

    One thing you said here is so true…this has been the most dysfunctional relationship I have had yet its the one I have learned the most from… it has changed me so much in a positive way.. Thats why I feel if we went back it would be better…. yet she never made me feel truely loved so it may be better to just not send… Im here in america with no friends or family whhich makes this so much harder…

  53. Chris

    I am really torn whether to send a letter to my ex or not. We met in January and had a long-distance relationship for 5 months until June when she told me she could not stop thinking of her ex and she broke up with me. We saw each other physically 5 times in these 5 months and it was brilliant. We were perfect together. We had made plans to live together in England (I am English, she is Spanish)

    I had drafted a letter to her back in July and in it I basically explained that it has not been easy without her and that I miss her. I reminded her how special our relationship was and recalled one or two happy memories. I said that I am still the same man she fell in love with back in January and I still care about her.

    I asked her if she still felt anything for me and I just wanted to understand more clearly why she broke up with me when things between us were so good and we were so in love.

    I never sent this letter but I am thinking of redrafting it and sending it in a couple of weeks. I am also thinking of telling her what I’ve been up to and how I am doing well (even though this is not completely true). The thing is I am not sure if she cares anymore what I’m up to and how I’m doing. She has not been in contact with me since 10 July and to my knowledge she has not even asked any mutual friends about how I’m doing. Obviously I cannot see inside her head but it seems as though she has forgotten me already and that is hard to take. I know I would feel pretty terrible if I sent a letter and she ignored it completely or responded negatively telling me not to contact her again.

    I still want her to be left with a positive impression of me. As I said before I think it is her who owes me some kind of letter but I just want her to know that even if she is back with her old boyfriend and ‘happy’ that I am still here for her. I just don’t want her to lose respect for me and for her to think I am stalking her. It’s only been 9 weeks since the breakup yet it feels like a lifetime to me.

    I truly love her and I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I know and some of her friends know her boyfriend is not good for her and does not care about her like I do. I am so torn about what to do. She seems happy back with him and I have friends saying don’t give up and others saying let her go. I really don’t think I can let her go.

    Do you think I should write and if so what should I say?

    Thanks so much.

    Chris

  54. thea Post author

    Hmmmm – not sure.

    Personally, I guess, just going on what you’ve written, I’d not send what you’re talking about. You sound too invested still, and (we) have no idea how she feels.

    I would however not be adverse to a “hey saw this and thought of you” type of email. No emotion, no asking about the relationship (covering old ground), just general chit chat. Maybe share, as you said, a thing or two that’s interesting – things you’ve been up to – and then say “hope life is treating you well. Think of you often and fondly, fill me in on your life if and when you desire” type of thing and then leave it. A paragraph. End of.

    To be honest, it sounds like you were a “rebound guy” of sorts.

    Sure she liked you, no doubt, but it sounds like “we were so good together” was maybe in your head (and heart) but not necessarily hers.

    Maybe but maybe not. We don’t know. She may just be confused.

    The trouble wit a 5 month LDR is you can make it into a whole lot of things that it may or may not be. Our mind creates stories. It’s a bit short, in my humble opinion to call it “love”. Strong attraction, attachment, lust even but probably not “Love”. I had one of those and married him and emigrated to the UK before finding out it wasn’t really love!

    Al that said, I am sure she cares about you (still), and has been left with a positive view of you too – but, I suspect, if she really wanted to be with you – she’d have reached out by now. That doesn’t mean she won’t. I’d just leave it a bit longer.

    Often we want answers and the other persons may not even have them to give to us. She’s probably like that.

  55. Chris

    Thanks for the advice Thea.

    I am thinking I may send her a quick email update and ask her how she is. I hope she would at least have the courtesy to respond to this. After she told me she was back with her ex it was kind of an ending in a way though. We said good luck to each other and I said if she needs me she can always contact me. I think she may have blocked me on FB chat as well so I am not sure if she wants to communicate at all. I feel like I should try though. Maybe a few weeks on she will be able to send me a more detailed and measured response. I guess I am just fearful of no response or a ‘don’t contact me again’ kind of message.

    When she broke up with me she said she was confused and that she did feel something for the me in that week. Something happened just before June I think to make her change her mind. Even a few days before she said she could not wait to see me again and she loved me.

    I know it was short but i believe it was love. Andrea was the first to say it. She said she could not wait to spend the rest of her life with me. She said so many things and just a couple of weeks before she broke up with me she wanted to do a list of all the places we would visit together. So many times she said I am perfect and she is so lucky. I would say the same thing about her and everything was so good.

    It seems like she threw herself into a relationship with me and was not ready to leave her ex behind. Maybe because I am so different from him that is what attracted Andrea to me. It really was special and you could tell how much she loved me the way she looked at me with adoration in her eyes. My mum said how she hung off my every word and I knew it. I can’t believe that the sweet nice girl is now cold and seemingly emotionless towards me. It makes no sense. I know I did nothing wrong and I am a good man and I was great to her yet I still feel terrible that she left me.

    See that is what I am thinking is that I should wait longer to see if she gets in contact (although my gut says she won’t). I don’t want to ruin anything by messaging her and potentially pissing her off. I guess I want her to know I still think of her and care about her without seeming desperate. She was the love of my life and I really don’t want to let her go.

    Thanks again for your help.

  56. Thea

    Real LOVE doesn’t go. If someone is really in love it goes on no matter where the person is or who they are with.

    She may be the first love but very unlikely she’ll be the last. Possible but unlikely.

    A general chit chat email – probably won’t piss her off and distance her but one trying to dissect the relationship might.

    So yes either leave it a while or do a generic more “Hey been thinking of you – hoping you’re good” type thing.

    Take your focus off her and what she’s thinking and feeling and put ALL your focus on you and your life, school, work, friends etc…

    More often than not, when it ends the way you described there is the ability to be friends and re-connect. Maybe reconcile and maybe not.

    But my point is you probably will hear from her again.

    As for blocking on chat – she may just do what I do and keep herself LOGGED OUT (for everyone – not just you).

    Good luck and keep me posted!

  57. Chris

    I sent her a quick whatsapp message today asking how she is and I told her about a dance class I was thinking of going to with a friend. I then asked her if she had gone to any classes yet. I kept it light and talked on a subject we were both interested in (we wanted to learn salsa together).

    Anyway it has been a few hours now and still no response. I would that if she did not want to talk at all she would have the courtesy to reply and tell me this and not just ignore me. Anyway I am trying not to panic yet and give her some more time to reply. Although if she was going to I don’t know why she would not have by now after I sent her a light, inoffensive message.

    I kind of have a bad feeling she may just ignore me. What do you think I should do if she has not replied in a couple of days?

    Thanks again.

    Chris

  58. Mat

    My ex dumped me and immediately started seeing someone else. I was humiliated and devastated. I did 2 days of desperate texts.

    Two weeks later I decided I wanted some power and dignity back. So I wrote a letter saying that I knew it was ending, we couldn’t be happy together, I didn’t blame her and I understood the issues and it was fine! (Bit of a lie). She wrote back saying thank you.

    Now I still feel angry and hurt. The urge to write another letter asking if she cheated on me is strong but I am resisting. I Want her to know that she is immature and incapable of a adult relationship.

    Now, I feel like a bit of an idiot writing the letter and that I let her off the hook. What should I do? She has definitely moved on so probably doesn’t care. Should I feel good about the letter or not?

  59. Shaun

    Hello Mat
    I am exactly in your position now. I have also been betrayed and it feels like a dagger to your heart I know.
    Keep strong , it’s so tough. I feel like texting or calling my ex all of the time…it won’t do us any favours at the moment. You have to find some mental strength to resist calling her. Time will heal us.
    Take care
    Shaun

  60. thea Post author

    Be good if you and Mat could be “break up buddies” for each other right now since you’re both feeling pretty raw about things?

    Let me know if that suits and I’ll pass on each other’s emails privately!

    Stay strong you too. You will get through this. Honest!

    Thea

  61. thea Post author

    I’d forget the other letter asking if she cheated. At this point, in the great scheme of things, it doesn’t matter or change the outcome.

    I get that you’re hurt and angry – natural response.

    Don’t view it as “letting her off the hook” – that’s just an EGO response. There is no “hook” really – nor is there a “power” thing or “upperhand”. It’s all just life and the best thing to do is focus on your own. Right here right now.

    Write by all means but don’t send it. Give it some months if you can then if you still feel like sending something then consider it.

    But right now just focus on YOU YOU YOU. OK? Hugs!

  62. Mat

    Thank you both. My feelings and regrets change from one minute to the next. I regret begging her to come back. I gave away all my power to her.

    She cheated on the new guy with me and cheated on her ex husband but never told him. She said she didn’t cheat on me but it’s hard to believe her. She shared a taxi home with him one night when I was looking after her children. She came home I told me nothing had happened. But I don’t believe it.

    Anyway, I know I will see her again in time possibly in the coming months. I just hope that when I do I feel strong and confident and she doesn’t feel sorry for me. I do want to talk to her again in the future. Maybe then I can ask her. But maybe I will never get the chance because it will seem like I’m still hanging on. I wish I confronted her early when we were still talking. It’s killing me to just say it now. My friend says that it doesn’t matter because it’s over. He says anything I say now will only hurt me more. If she doesn’t respond or does and says something else.

  63. Chris

    Hi Thea.

    Things went as I thought and she ignored my whatsapp message. I thought she might have the courtesy to reply in some way to me even to let me know she did not want to talk to me. I deleted her from Facebook on Monday and although yesterday I felt terrible and missed her a lot I think it is for the best.

    It is still difficult for me to accept that she is no longer the sweet girl I fell in love with who would do anything to be with me. She changed and became so cold and it seems such does not care about me at all now she is back with her ex. I could not take seeing how happy she looks from her Facebook photos. None of it makes sense and in some way I think I would feel better if I knew if she definitely cheated or not. My gut instinct is that she did. If I knew for certain maybe I could completely cut her out of my mind and not continue to go back to the happy memories of us together particularly our first trip together to Amsterdam.

    I am still receiving positive words from people with similar experiences so it is comforting to know I am not alone. Everyone says time will heal and I will find someone better than her. I really hope I can completely believe this myself because I know I deserve someone who loves me like the old Andrea did. My friends know I am a good person and I know they want the best for me. I appreciate that even more now.

  64. Thea

    Oh hon, I know. I really do know! I’d just assume if she cheated on previous ones, cheated on the current guy with you etc – she probably did. Maybe maybe not but probably.

    She’s just detaching and focusing elsewhere. She’s not forgot about you. It doesn’t mean you meant nothing. She still has the good memories you shared too.

    Better you can’t see her on FB, it really is. Ignorance is bliss. Also remember FB is warped – people only put the good stuff.

    When my marriage ended and my ex and I both started new relationships – I was totally happily loved up with the new guy but there were times I still missed my husband. It’s only natural. We can distract ourselves with shiny new objects but eventually they lose their lustre too!

    So my thing to you is – do some Self work. Think about what would make you choose someone who was a cheater. And try to detach and think what you really miss about her. Is it her or the characteristics – good fun, laughs, similar interests, etc. All stuff that you can probably find with someone else. Maybe someone like you who’s been hurt before too. Someone who knows loyalty and fidelity.

    Hang in there. Thinking of you. This week there are several stories with guys feeling as gutted as you. I really should put you guys all in touch to be break up buds! 🙂 x

  65. Chris

    I don’t know if she cheated. My friends who know her better than me don’t think she would have done but ultimately I guess I will never know. I know the girl I fell in love with in January would not have cheated. Part of me regrets now (I know I should not it was not my fault) saying I was okay with her still seeing and talking to her ex sometimes (because they have the same mutual friends and she said she did not have any feelings for him anymore). Obviously over time these feelings came back. I was long distance and she saw him more than me. I could not have done any more to show her I loved her and was committed to her. I was so convinced she was the same for me.

    I hope you are right and that she has not completely forgotten me already. It stings that she has not asked about me at all and ignored my message though. I think she knows I still care about her and does not want to give me any hope by contacting me at all.

    I went to my first salsa class last night. Something me and Andrea always wanted to do together. It was fun and during the class I was focused on the dancing. However after I felt very empty and I really wished more than anything I was dancing with Andrea like we used to. It was so easy with her. I missed her a lot last night and woke up this morning feeling pretty flat. There are so many strong memories of dancing with Andrea and falling in love in my mind that it has really hit me today. I should be dancing with her. It just feels not right to be alone.

  66. lechi

    Hi thea, im planning to write mh ex a letter saying thank you, sorry, and reminiscing our past. When should i send it? It has been a week since he dumped me, and honestly it is still fresh and im still hoping we will be back again. I actually want to give it time and send it after a month. I actually wrote it last night, saying hello, it hurts, but no expectations and all, saying thank you for happy memories. Then i enumerated some of it. I also said sorry. Then at the end wish him goodluck. I also said if we were to be back again, i know we will be more mature, stronger and better. And if ever we won’t i told him that i wish he would say to himself one day that he regret it. I said supposedly, he should be the one in pain because i only lost someone who did not love me, but he lost someone who did love him. What could you comment about this?

  67. lechi

    And oh, i also said that im trying to move on and dont worry about me. I admit that it hurts. And it is a pain for me everyday.. i also said that this is part of my moving on process so just let me write to him and i dont expect anything… honestly my real goal is to win him back, that is why i included in the letter how hapy am i and enumerating all our great memories. But of course to the point that it is not obvious.. So i want o send it after a month or so, and re evaluate myself everyday.,…thank you thea…

  68. Jane

    Hi all who reads this.

    I find myself in similar situations as you all.. He broke up with me a week ago after 6 amazing months and a wonderful trip away a few weeks before the break. He is in the navy and to cut a long story short didn’t a) love me in that 6 months after knowing my full commitment b) hadn’t thought about me moving in to his house (he got about 4 months previously) any time and c) didn’t think I was going to make a good Navy wife in the future so thought best to leave it now.

    To be frank I was debased over the sudden thought I was happy, and then so upset that it was over. I cried at him and he’s been amazing – talked/met me so I could get answers, and let me delete him out my life so I could move on without being reminded about it all.

    But I don’t want to move on, and find myself writing a letter to him. I plan on sending it in a month (he goes on a ship for 3 weeks so would come home to a letter).. Is this an okay plan? I have it all planned out if you want to hear it.. I’m an English Language fanatic and write letters/emails everyday so know how to word things correctly.. Just not sure if it’s right or not.. He said it was over and no chance of us getting together again but it was still raw at this point.
    Thoughts?

  69. Josh

    Hi Jane,

    The short answer is, if he really went through everything to “make it easy” on you to get rid of him completely, it means he’s really done. And if he truly believes those three points you stated above, then there is no way he’s coming back. The fact that he then went back and said that it’s over and there is no chance of you getting back together further drives this point home. You said he told you that when it was still raw, but it seems like it was only raw for you and he had moved on by then. Anything you write him will just result in disappointment for you. He might respond with the dreaded “thanks.” Ask yourself: would the love of your life really say those things to you?

    He knows you want him back and he knows where to find you. If he wants to get in contact, he’ll make it happen. I fear a letter will just drive him away further.

  70. Jane

    Hi Josh.

    I know what you say is true, but in a way I need to let him know what I’ve been thinking and I have already changed the letter like 4 times. I do know that if he really was ‘the one’ then it would have worked but won’t this give me some sort of closure?

    If I’m honest.. I’m not saying ‘I love you/miss you/want you back’. I am apologising for my reactions which he didn’t like, saying the break up was the best for us at the time, hope he is also doing well from it, wondering if he has thought about us again as it seemed ‘real’, and that I hope it’s not just his job holding him back from possible happiness.

    It’s more of a thought provoking letter at the moment which I have already altered.
    I think it’s something I want to do, I can’t lose anything from it and if he doesn’t reply well then at least I know he really didn’t mean anything to me. If he says thanks but no then I can at least say I tried and could tell him how I felt without it being too late or too soon. I am currently giving him space to think, and maybe my letter will give him more time to think and who knows, even if he asks to get back together I may not even say yes..
    Is it really that bad to want to send it and him read it 2 months after breaking up?

  71. Josh

    Hi Jane,

    It’s not bad that you want to send it two months after breaking up. It’s been two months since my breakup and man, are there a lot of things I would like to tell my ex, but I resist the urge. While I think that waiting for him to reply and then the disappointment of him either not replying or giving you an insufficient reply will set you back, I can’t blame you for wanting to send it. If you’re always going to wonder what would have happened, then go for it. Just prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

  72. Jane

    Thanks Josh, I do really appreciate an outsiders view on this. I completely agree with what you say but feel if I don’t do this then I could be really missing out, and if nothing comes from it then at least I ‘checked’. He’s 24 and was single for 3 years before me.. I’m 21 so know there’s so much more out there but I’m in a frame of mind that just wants to know. It has currently been exactly a week since that horrible day and resisting the urge to message him is so very hard :/ I refuse to be a crazy ex though and I’m giving myself time to make sure this is what I really want to do!
    Maybe I’ll be back on here in a few weeks for support.. 🙂

  73. Jane

    Gee, just thinking about it all makes me sad again. They get their ‘wings’ in November and there’s this massive Ball I was supposed to be going to :/ just remembering I’m being erased from all that is upsetting and like I’m missing out 🙁 Ergh.

  74. Josh

    Anytime! Let us all know how it goes. In your case, I don’t blame you at all. Send it and see how it goes if you know it’s going to bother you not to send it. I know how it feels to look to the future you thought you were going to have, but it not coming true. Heck, my ex and I were supposed to get married! We had tons of plans and now, none of those are going to happen.

    Good luck!

  75. Jane

    It’s the thought of that possible future which does hurt. Nevermind.. 7 weeks to go and I may feel totally differently about the letter (:
    Thanks, I’ll post on here either way when the time comes (if you even read this anymore!!) haha. Fingers crossed I’m not made out to be a total fool of a Took! Cheers Josh!

  76. Josh

    I am thinking the same, but we’ll see. Please come back and post what happened. I will definitely come back to read. I will mark my calendar!

  77. Jane

    And I’m back again! I was reading and as people usually leave it 1 months before contact, our 1 month would be a few days before he goes on a ship.. Some other people think if you leave it longer then they know you’ve moved on and don’t think about it anymore. Should I send the letter so he reads it before he leaves? Or for when he comes back? I’m having a debate with myself and what his reaction would be either way :/ ahh!

  78. Thea

    >> Some other people think if you leave it longer then they know you’ve moved on and don’t think about it anymore

    Sorry but those people are a bit ridiculous. You can ask 100 people and get 100 different response to what you should do…but what do YOU feel you should do for the best?

    Every person and relationship is a little different. There are not “rules” about this sort of thing. No one can say “send it now” or “send it when he returns” with any real authority on any sort of outcome…

    I think if we truly connect with someone they don’t ever forget. I also think that if they’re really interested in speaking to us – they do.

    Yes sometimes it’s good to do a “toe in the water” type reach out (or olive branch, if you will) but really…I’d leave it.

    You’re not really “missing out” out on anything. You’re not forgotten. He still thinks of you.

    You’re 21 – time to focus only on your life – growing, learning, maturing, being the most amazing gal you can be. FOR YOU. He may be back – he may not – but either way this time is YOUR time to focus on you and not him and who/what he is doing, what he’s thinking etc.

    It will unfold naturally. It doesn’t need effort. There’s not such thing as any sort of “closure”. I’ve seen the past few posts by you but not the initial one that said WHY you split. So that might color my response if I read it…but given the last few posts I’ve seen – I’d say don’t over think it all. Follow your gut. The letter will not really make or break anything as a hunch.

    How would you feel if he wrote back with “thanks” or ignored you? How would you handle THAT rejection? If you’re fine with that – then send whatever you want whenever you want. Other wise – just keep writing them. Do what Josh is doing and write a daily diary about all of this! It’s cathartic and helpful on down the road to see how far you’ve come.

    Take care. x

  79. Pingback: SYBD FAQs: Will My Ex Come Back? -

  80. Jane

    Thank you Thea. Again it’s nice to hear what other people think but I think I’ve got to do this for me. It should be a thought provoking letter for him and might be useful for him with other relationships. As he’s in the Royal Navy I think he’s scared of commitment in a sense and doesn’t want to be hurt because of the job commitments. I’ve decided to send the letter so he gets it a few days before departing. If I receive no reply then I will be okay because I know I’ve sent it and he will probably read my thoughts. He’s a decent guy.
    Anyway, I’ll post on here how it goes.. Thanks x

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  82. Cinder

    I sent a thankful letter to my ex recently — a few days after he told me he’d met someone else.

    I was pissed in person during the breakup, but it was only a few months into an undefined relationship, so in the letter, I was very careful to intone that I would be just fine and that even though I had felt a connection with him, his letting me go was a blessing in disguise.

    I made it clear that I recognized he had chosen someone else, and I had no desire to be second choice. I made that last point very intentionally because I sense he feels conflicted about his decision and worry that he’ll think of me as a fall back. I thanked him for the good memories and wished him luck.

    He wrote back and said he was very glad to hear from me and that he had been thinking about me a lot. Then he proceeded to tell me a bunch of nice things about how wonderful I am — things I hadn’t let him finish saying the night of our breakup. (I know he was being sincere, but I don’t need to hear how wonderful you think I am while you’re breaking up with me to date someone else…F-you.) And he wished me happiness.

    It was a sweet and kind response, but a bittersweet response to me. I think I knew he would reply. I pretty much knew he would say all the nice things he said. I hoped for something more. Not sure what would have felt sufficient, though.

    There’s a part of me that wishes I hadn’t given him the satisfaction of a “great to have known you,” and a “no-hard-feelings” kind of approach because I think I probably alleviated some of his guilt, and a guilt trip would have been good for him.

    But on the other hand, I wrote the letter for the sake of my own closure, and I wrote what felt right at the time. I wanted to say a proper goodbye when I wasn’t feeling too emotional and when I was ready to say it. And I wanted to him to know he didn’t break me, and I’ll be just fine without him.

    The other good thing about the email letter is that it marked the beginning of my no contact period. I constructed it to be a formal goodbye, which means I can’t let myself go back on the goodbye now for stupid excuses to contact him and keep the connection going.

  83. Josh

    Hey Cinder,

    I have read both of your posts. The end of your last one was hilarious, and I am a guy. As long as the letter did what you wanted it to do, then great. I think it’s a great idea to make that the start of No Contact for you. Refraining from any and all contact helps a lot, and more importantly, it prevents any more pain.

    I am in agreement with you. In this case, his actions are screaming he doesn’t want you, but his words say he cares. Actions always win. If someone claimed they loved you, and then they turned around and stole over half the stuff from your house, well, their actions tell the story. Not that I would know what that’s like… In any case, he’s obviously in a rebound relationship and it will probably end badly. Don’t be surprised if he contacts you when it crashes and burns. But judging by these two posts, you’re strong enough to brush off his advances. Best of luck.

  84. Drea

    I’ve recently sent a 22 page closure letter to my ex hook up (but far more complicated) and I’m having a hard time with it. The 22 page letter consisted of a timeline over the last two years, everything I like about him and why it would never work no matter what time in our lives we could’ve met each other.

    I thought I was finally giving myself peace when I sent the letter. I thought I would finally be able to move on and not look back, but here I am 3 months later and I can’t. I am absolutely terrified I am never going to meet someone like him (I know most of you will say you shouldn’t want to meet someone like him) because we’re compatible in every single way (mentally, physically) and its heart wrenching.

    I am so lost.

  85. Thea

    I am not even sure an ex would read a 22-page email. I tend to think it’s better to keep it over a 22-sentence one…preferably one with an attitude of gratitude – in a sort of “thanks for the memories. this taught me a lot” sort of way.

    Your ex may be different. I don’t know. Every time I wrote one of those – heartfelt type letters/emails – they never once really got a proper response because most guys don’t know how to handle them. So they just ignore them or write back “thanks” or something insufficient (in my eyes)…Again your ex may be different.

    Closure is a bit of a myth. I don’t know many people out there who really get it. Just keep trying to heal a bit more each day. We never have any idea what’s around the corner for us. Maybe the ex returns or someone better comes in…You will get through this – it’s just a bit of a tough time right now!

  86. Angel Dyer

    Hey, I’ve never wrote on a public forumn like this before so please bear with me haha!

    just to tell you all the relevant details, he dumped me 3 days before my mum had an operation to remove cancer. 3 days? keep this in mind so I was emotional enough without added stress and emotions.

    anyway,I was with my ex for just over 10 months (our relationship was far from perfect but he accepted me completely, he wasn’t only my boyfriend, he was my soulmate/best friend), and everything was fine, as we went out with friends on the friday night, he stayed over mine and we were initmate on the saturday morning then on the saturday night we had a row, caused by me and my emotions overcoming me, I didn’t think and considered breaking up with him but knew deep down, I couldn’t end it, then on the sunday, I went to work and was VERY distracted cos of the fight, he then came into my work to give me something, he was acting properly weird towards me, I told him I loved him and he said “I know”. Right then, I realized something was wrong, then he told me that when we meet up later on, he didn’t want me to get upset if something gets said, he left and of course, I’m not stupid, my mind instantly told me “he’s going to dump you” so I couldn’t resist and texted him saying “you’re going to break up with me aren’t you?” and he goes yes. I was devastated, I had to be taken from my job and sat in a room with a colleague for an hour and a half to collect myself as I work in retail and started crying when I was on the shop floor.

    Anyway, Didn’t meet up cos I didn’t want to see him, we didn’t talk until the monday night, when I first made contact explaining that I wanted to be friends (which at that moment in time, I was so confused, I’d do anything) and he replied telling me that he wanted to talk but couldn’t bring himself too cos he knew how much he hurt me.

    Anyway we agreed to meet on the tuesday night, so he picked me up from work and we went for a drink and he told me why he felt we couldn’t work and I was fine with it, I told him things I thought he needed to improve too, felt good to be honest about our feelings cos during our relationship, we lost that communication and instead it turned into agruments, more often cos emotions were running high, okay that’s no excuse but anyway, on the tuesday, I asked him if he still had feelings for me, and he said yes deep down and I said can you see us getting back together and he said yes, but we’ll have to go slow which I was all up for.

    But then when my mum’s operation came round, I still wanted him there for support and he just used excuse after excuse for him not to be there “I need my hair cut so I can’t see you” “I’m too busy”. I’m positive now I think about it, I probably put too much pressure on him to be there for me that day even though I had all the support I needed in the end. He has never asked how my mum is though, just to add which I thought was selfish.

    we spoke throughout the first week of the break up and I began to realize that it was going to be harder than I thought to remain friends with him cos I wanted him so bad. He said he needed 2 weeks space to figure out his feelings and stuff, but that didn’t really work, I regret not giving him the time he needed but I was devastated and emotional after my mum’s operation, I felt like I needed support and love from him as I had before, I said to him about meeting him from work which we did on the Thursday night and he was very distant with me, seemed something on his mind.

    We didn’t speak until then next tuesday as my mum said to me, you can’t just sit and wait for him to make a decision when you’re like how you are. My family were worrying about me as I was having suidical thoughts and stuff but anyway, I said I couldn’t do it anymore to him and told him to tell me what’s going on and he came on with “the spark’s gone and I don’t think we’ll be able to get it back so I think it’s best to move on”. Omg I was overcome with so much anger and sadness. it all seems a blur now.

    it all came to head when he visited my house that thursday and spoke to my mum, said he was going to “check up on me to see if I was alright” of course I wasn’t bloody alright, and that afternoon he messaged me and I said I don’t know what to say to you right now and his response was just “okay talk when you’re ready” as if it didn’t matter, cos I let my emotions get the better of me and let rip on him and asked him if his feelings disappeared and he said yes but I was confused cos how can his feelings disappear after we were intimate on the Saturday 2 weeks before. I was so confused and emotional so it resulted in him blocking me cos he apparently got mad pffftttt.

    but now I’m thinking of sending him a letter to say I’m ready to be friends now but I don’t know whether it’s right since it’s only been like 9-10 days since we agrued. according to his friends he was unusually quiet towards them but then that doesn’t mean he’s feeling anything towards me or the relationship, just want him to know that I don’t regret the relationship

    Please help, looking forward to hearing from you, which I hope I do xx

  87. Thea

    Quite a long saga that…My thoughts are >> Sure go ahead and write the letter but under no circumstances should you send it!! 9-10 days? Really? Give it a few months – before reaching out. I think you’ll see it more for what it really was…You’re no way near ready to be friends yet. You’ll be ready when you no longer have ANY feelings for him. You there yet? Don’t think so somehow. Reaching out now will just push him further away. You want to be able to do so when less …well I sense desperation (I might be wrong) but rather wait until you’re feeling stronger, moving on, accepting his decision to walkaway…The person who’s getting on with their life – busy, having fun with friends, meeting new people, doing some Self work – etc is always the most attractive to the ex. More so than the one sitting home wishing, hoping, pining for some Hollywood ending.

    >> “okay talk when you’re ready”

    That sounds like a perfectly reasonable response if you asked me. It may FEEL different to you because you’re raw but it doesn’t sound like someone who doesn’t give a hoot. So assume he does like/care for you but he’s giving you some time to do some healing. Work on “reactions” to stuff. Learning to sit and just be with the feelings when they come up – and not responding to the impulses. Breathe. Let go.

    Focus on you and what you can learn and takeaway from this ok? Just take it all one day at a time. You’re going to be fine.

    >> I was confused cos how can his feelings disappear after we were intimate on the Saturday 2 weeks before.

    Well, to be honest, guys TEND to be able to “compartmentalize” or I should say some people can. Not all guys can, of course, but generally most guys can. 🙁

    So they can have sex whether they have feelings for women or not (again most not all) — because they’re wired different than us women. So he could have had sex with you 2 days before, loved it and still not felt like he wanted to be in a relationship with you (been there to be honest – sucks to be a girl sometimes, lol).

    You just keep talking to your friends, your mum (how is she?) and keep writing. As I say write him but please don’t send it. Not yet. Maybe later. Read some of the other articles here about writing a letter to an ex (there are a fair few) it’s a common topic…The time to do it is when you no longer harbor feelings for the ex or care if you get a response or not!

    Good luck! x

  88. Em

    Hello – some advice on whether or not to contact my ex through a letter would be much appreciated.

    Here is a little bit of the background: We started dating in undergrad when I was a Freshman and he was a Junior. Everything really was quite wonderful until he started graduate school in August. We had really been fine. Right before he started graduate school (I am now currently a Junior in undergrad), he said that he couldn’t imagine anyone better than me. He was only going to be about an hour away, and I thought the distance really wouldn’t be much of an issue, since we had been long distance all summer. As soon as school started, however, lots of communication issues started to come into play. His workload increased significantly and, since he was both overwhelmed with the amount of work he was facing and he was trying to forge new friendships with his classmates, I often felt pushed to the curb. I tried to be understanding, but I’ll admit that I often felt a little neglected.

    I kept pushing for him to communicate with me more regularly, and I probably was a little needy, but the contrast between how much we had talked over the summer to how much we were talking now – not too mention the fact that since I had started school, I had been feeling a little lonely as a result of his absence – made me just keep pushing. I think he got a little fed up and start telling me his doubts about the relationship, both in the present and in the future, since we would probably be long distance for 3+ years. I was ultimately the one to break it off, but I am regretting it. I just keep wondering if we could have made it work. Our relationship had been so great right up until he started school, and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that it had only taken 2 months to tear apart a fantastic 2 year relationship. I keep wondering if I gave up too quickly, or if it was my fault that things were going so badly, or if we could have made things work.

    We broke up over the phone, but we saw each other a few days later. I went to see him with the intention of maybe talking a little and establishing the boundaries of a friendship, but we ultimately ended up engaging in some more-than-friends activities. I spent the night, he kissed me goodbye in the morning, and said, “I’ll see you when I see you.” I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do with that. We have not talked since then (about five days ago), apart from a few insignificant snapchats, and it has been a little over a week since the official “breakup.” Our meeting left things a little fuzzy, but since he hasn’t contacted me I am guessing that he didn’t mean to reestablish any kind of official relationship during our meeting. And, it doesn’t help that I am afraid to send a text or call him because I am afraid that it will bring back up those tense feelings of me pushing him to communicate when he felt he was too busy or under too much stress. I don’t want him to feel like I am pushing him, or have him resent my efforts to connect with him.

    So, I was thinking about writing him a letter. I drafted it out – it would apologize for the part I played in ending the relationship, say how much I loved our time together, wished we had more of it, thank him for everything he taught me, hope that we can stay connected, and wish him well.

    It is just tough because I really had planned on having a future with him, and things came to such an abrupt and somewhat confusing end. I am not sure exactly where things stand – whether we are trying to be friends or if we are not supposed to contact each other anymore. Of course, part of me hopes that we could give it another go, but I would really rather he initiate those efforts. I also feel as though he should be the first to make contact again, but I also want to apologize for the things I did wrong. I guess, ultimately, I am just having trouble making sense of everything. It feels as if our relationship wasn’t supposed to end – as though this is just some sort of weird hiatus. I feel like he is supposed to be in my life. But then, again, maybe I am just clinging to some form of hope, that we weren’t meant to end (and therefore that we might be together again someday), and that it was all just some kind of mistake.

    So, anyway, any kind of advice you have would be much appreciated. I think I will wait to send a letter, if I do send one. I don’t want to jeopardize any chance of friendship in the future with the letter. And I guess that trouble is that I am not exactly sure where we stand with each other, I am not sure who is supposed to make contact first, and I can’t shake the feeling that we could have made things work – that things should have worked.

    Thank you so much for listening, and for your advice. I am looking forward to hearing it!

  89. Em

    Hello – some advice on whether or not to contact my ex through a letter would be much appreciated.

    Here is a little bit of the background: We started dating in undergrad when I was a Freshman and he was a Junior. Everything really was quite wonderful until he started graduate school in August. We had really been fine. Right before he started graduate school (I am now currently a Junior in undergrad), he said that he couldn’t imagine anyone better than me. He was only going to be about an hour away, and I thought the distance really wouldn’t be much of an issue, since we had been long distance all summer. As soon as school started, however, lots of communication issues started to come into play. His workload increased significantly and, since he was both overwhelmed with the amount of work he was facing and he was trying to forge new friendships with his classmates, I often felt pushed to the curb. I tried to be understanding, but I’ll admit that I often felt a little neglected.

    I kept pushing for him to communicate with me more regularly, and I probably was a little needy, but the contrast between how much we had talked over the summer to how much we were talking now – not too mention the fact that since I had started school, I had been feeling a little lonely as a result of his absence – made me just keep pushing. I think he got a little fed up and start telling me his doubts about the relationship, both in the present and in the future, since we would probably be long distance for 3+ years. I was ultimately the one to break it off, but I am regretting it. I just keep wondering if we could have made it work. Our relationship had been so great right up until he started school, and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that it had only taken 2 months to tear apart a fantastic 2 year relationship. I keep wondering if I gave up too quickly, or if it was my fault that things were going so badly, or if we could have made things work.

    We broke up over the phone, but we saw each other a few days later. I went to see him with the intention of maybe talking a little and establishing the boundaries of a friendship, but we ultimately ended up engaging in some more-than-friends activities. I spent the night, he kissed me goodbye in the morning, and said, “I’ll see you when I see you.” I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do with that. We have not talked since then (about five days ago), apart from a few insignificant snapchats, and it has been a little over a week since the official “breakup.” Our meeting left things a little fuzzy, but since he hasn’t contacted me I am guessing that he didn’t mean to reestablish any kind of official relationship during our meeting. And, it doesn’t help that I am afraid to send a text or call him because I am afraid that it will bring back up those tense feelings of me pushing him to communicate when he felt he was too busy or under too much stress. I don’t want him to feel like I am pushing him, or have him resent my efforts to connect with him.

    So, I was thinking about writing him a letter. I drafted it out – it would apologize for the part I played in ending the relationship, say how much I loved our time together, wished we had more of it, thank him for everything he taught me, hope that we can stay connected, and wish him well.

    It is just tough because I really had planned on having a future with him, and things came to such an abrupt and somewhat confusing end. I am not sure exactly where things stand – whether we are trying to be friends or if we are not supposed to contact each other anymore. Of course, part of me hopes that we could give it another go, but I would really rather he initiate those efforts. I also feel as though he should be the first to make contact again, but I also want to apologize for the things I did wrong. I guess, ultimately, I am just having trouble making sense of everything. It feels as if our relationship wasn’t supposed to end – as though this is just some sort of weird hiatus. I feel like he is supposed to be in my life. But then, again, maybe I am just clinging to some form of hope, that we weren’t meant to end (and therefore that we might be together again someday), and that it was all just some kind of mistake.

    So, anyway, any kind of advice you have would be much appreciated. I think I will wait to send a letter, if I do send one. I don’t want to jeopardize any chance of friendship in the future with the letter. And I guess the trouble is that I am not exactly sure where we stand with each other, I am not sure who is supposed to make contact first, and I can’t shake the feeling that we could have made things work – that things should have worked.

  90. Jeanine

    My most recent ex and I broke up just shy of two months ago. We only dated a little over 5 months but I was sure he was the one and we talked about marriage (we’re in our 30s). However, during the time we were dating I lost my job and health insurance, my dad got really sick, I was losing my apartment and my finances were forcing me to decide whether to move back home across the country.

    To say I didn’t handle this well is an understatement. I hit a pit of depression, became needy, and we started to fight often. I knew he was considering a break up, but didn’t know how to pull myself together during that time. I knew his family and friends were encouraging him to do the same as well. (I wasn’t fond of his sister-in-law as she was a little overtly sexual towards him (sparing you details))

    He broke up with me on the phone one afternoon when we did our daily check ins just to see how each others day was going. I wasn’t expecting it as we we were having a great day. He said he’d call me back as he didn’t want to talk about it at the time, and then I never heard from him again.

    I was only staying in that city for him, so sadly I packed up and moved across the country. I loved him so much and was tormented so badly by what happened. I blamed myself and was so sad that I didn’t get to see him or speak to him before I left. Three weeks after the break-up, I wrote the most sincere heartfelt letter to him. I apologized for all my behavior and told him what I would change. I thanked him for the ways he did make me absolutely happy and the good memories we shared. I told him I loved him and wished him the best. That was over a month ago. I never heard from him, and I know I won’t hear from him again (he told me in the past he cuts off all his exes).

    It still hurts a ton. I’ve never been cut off before. I don’t think the letter made it hurt any more or any less. I probably have a little more pain knowing that he read it and probably got closure, and I never will. I don’t regret sending that letter only if it came off as needy or desperate and closed any doors for reconciliation. However, I have no way of ever knowing that.

    I would still love a chance at reconciliation as I really do believe we could have made things work and would have been happy. However, I know since I’ve moved logically it wouldn’t make sense to him, and in this amount of time it seems he’s happy and has moved on.

  91. Hanlo

    me and my ex were together for 4 years but we had a very toxic relationship….. we were always on and off, families clashed…me often chasing her approval like a puppy..in the 2 later years the roles switched to where she wanted me to move in with her but i was not interested in leaving my life/city behind to go live where she wanted too…which is a college town without many opportunities for a web dev like myself. I had more power then but our relationship died with distance. I loved her alot and i know she loved me too but we had this crazy love hate that was too much. constantly questioning eachothers true motives and wondering if someone was cheating….all so much bs…. but its been 8 months since the last goodbye. I feel like ive learned so much in that time, i moved out on my own and got to meet so many people and reflect. I want to tell her that i finally realize that alot of my prior actions and spite were childish methods to try and see how much she cared for me….which i know was stupid…i speak on my part only… but i just feel like i want to get all this out to her, and i guess let her know that even though i was a huge dick and i was so emotional at times….it was only cause i actually cared. I dont have those feelings for people anymore, i cant imagine tearing up infront of any other girl….but she really got me- i was always afraid to lose her. How is the best way to let her know im sorry and that i do love her…but that i understand our paths go in different ways…i dont wanna try and convince her back…i just want her to know- that i really love her and i want her to be happy. Deep down i feel like i can never love anyone like i loved her, even though she was a headache- when it was good it was real.

  92. Tracey

    I Went In2 A Rltnshp With A Guy 4 A Few Months And Then I Discovad He Has Anoda Gal, I Felt Hurt And Used And Nag @him And Den He Kald Me Up On Dec 3rd, Dis Month 2tel Me He No Lnga Lv Me, He Needs A Break Without A Reason, I Tried 2c Him Bt He Warned Me On Phone Neva 2cum Closer 2his House. Pls I Nid 2knw If Its A Gud Idea 2c Him Or Write A Letter 2him?

  93. Thea

    It’s not a good idea to write him. No. Leave it. He’s made it clear he does not want to hear from you. So he’s not the one for you. The one who is would not behave this way. Respect yourself. Move on and find one who doesn’t two-time you! x

  94. Jay

    Hi Thea, great work with the site, have been reading through for the best part of a day and it’s been really helpful. However, I’m still at a loss as to what to do as sadly everything tried so far has apparently been wrong, I should have looked online sooner but any advice now would be much appreciated.

    I was dumped, ended quite nastily and I asked him to call to explain it for me, he didn’t give me much, just cried and said he still loved me but didn’t know what he wants, I took the still love me as a foolish idea to go and talk to him the next day and actually went to his, big mistake – he told me to go away!

    Following that I have been in complete bits, usual rubbish not being able to eat and really aching. I didn’t try to contact again apart from sending his friend a message yesterday saying how I felt, that I hoped he was ok and that wish he’d have had the decency to explain his actions rather that just cut me off. It’s the silence that I can’t bare & find so cruel. I didn’t get a response from the friend, however I notice on facebook he has now made his posts public, the last being that he isn’t ‘feeling very festive’.

    My next move was going to be to send him a brief note with a DVD that he hoped I’d get him for christmas as I don’t want it around, also ask for something of mine back. Would this be pathetic, how do I know if he’d appreciate it or not? He hasn’t messaged to say please leave me alone, also said that he loves me but just ignoring me so what do I do?

    I know the worse thing you can do is text and tell them how much you miss them etc. but the reason he apparently finished it is because I made him feel like an option and not a priority. Maybe if I show him that wasn’t the case or is it too late? Thank you for any feedback.

  95. Josh

    Hi Jay,

    One line in your post really struck me. “He hasn’t messaged to say please leave me alone” this should be a huge, waving red flag for you. That should not be the line for when you’ve gone overboard on the contact. Looking back, trust me, you’ll wish you had never contacted him. I would highly recommend against sending the note with the DVD. Block him from Facebook, Twitter, etc. Don’t text or call him or his friends. Just let it go.

    You’ll know this because you have read through this site, but virtually all of us have one thing in common: we wish we didn’t contact our exes so much, especially in the early days. Nothing good ever comes of it. I can’t remember the last time someone Facebook stalked their ex and said “wow, that made me feel better!” Don’t inflict this pain onto yourself. You have to cut off all of the contact. If he wants to get in touch with you, he knows your number. Return the DVD and get your money back or donate it to a charity. The early days are tough because it is so hard to think rationally. Get through these without contacting him anymore, and you’ll be well on your way.

    Best of luck to you.

  96. Fate Newlyn

    Hi
    Both in our 40’s, my long distance boyfriend of 15 months asked for a 4 to 6 week break after a few misunderstandings. He said that work issues and his daughter were causing him stress and that he couldn’t deal with our drama at the moment. He said he loved me and hoped I would understand. I did not reply straight away, as I thought it was better as I would ha c e ranted.I waited over a week and emailed him saying I would respect his need for space and that I hoped wee were not to broken to find our way back to each other. That was in early November and I have not heard from him since. He has emailed me every day since we met, phoned, skyped and we have also had visits, so not having this is tearing me apart. The irrationally side of me is saying that perhaps he blocked me when I didn’t reply straight away, but I’m starting to think this is a break up. BUT, I have to know..I want to send an email, wishing him a happy new year, let him know somehow that I gave him his space and now what? But don’t know how to word it, keeping it lighish and not pleading. I need to know from him whether it has ended, as I don’t want to wait arround forever. Please help me make the right decision, I love this man, and I know he loved me, I just hope me inecurities haven’t pushed him to the point of no return.

  97. Josh

    Hi Fate,

    If it looks like a breakup, it feels like a breakup, and it sounds like a breakup, then, well… I haven’t heard of too many good outcomes from people taking breaks of over a month and then getting back together. He couldn’t handle your drama so he ran away? Doesn’t seem like a real man to me. I would consider this a breakup until you hear from him. He already lied since he said 4 to 6 weeks and it has been over 8. He knows your information, he can contact you if something changes, but deep down, do you really want to be treated like this? What is to say this won’t happen again in the future? The precedent has already been set. You may have been the victim of a guy just ceasing all contact with you. I hope things work out, but you need to look out for you. Best of luck to you.

  98. Fate Newlyn

    Hi Josh
    Thank you for your comments
    Not what I wanted to hear, but something I had to hear. I just can’t understand why he didn’t just breakup in that email, instead of leaving me in limbo like this. We have always been very respectful and honest with each other. We didn’t have any blowup and have never had bad words between us that would lead him to cut me off so coldly, it would have been easier if he just said he wanted out! His email gave no indication that the break was forever, and I really understand why he needed it. His email did say at LEAST 4 to 6 weeks, but I basically thought if I had heard nothing by the 4th, start preparing for worst, as at the 6th week he was taking his daughter to visit his parents overseas and I knew that would mean nothing for another three weeks, which brings us to this week, where he would have returned. By the way, my analysing everything is one of the bad points that we disagreed on, and I have been working on that (really I have!).
    My life is full, I’m a mother, I work fulltime, study part time and also an active person, running, swimming, etc, but I still feel the need for him to fill that hole that he has left. I just can’t turn off this love, I wish to god I could, but at least if he told me it was over I would know for sure and I could move on. I need to send the email to find out, he may have blocked me, he may not answer, but at least I tried.

  99. Fate Newlyn

    Hi Josh
    Here is an update. I did send the email and received a reply. Nothing that I’d expected. He took the break to decide whether to reconcile with his wife, as they were starting to get close again.
    He said it was a hard decision, but has decided to give it another go., and didn’t know how to tell me. That is the hardest part for me, that if he had of told me that instead of requesting a break, I could have started letting go then, but while there was still that glimmer of hope, I was still of the opinion that we stood a chance. He said he will always love me, but some things aren’t meant to be. He sent a second email following that one with 2 songs, “I will always love you” and an Adele song, something he always did. I have listened to neither, as I am a wreck as it is. I simply sent a reply wishing him the best, told him I would be fine, but also disappointment that he was not honest with me about the break to start with. I also sent a second email to his song, I sent Goodbye my Love”, James Blunt and simply said goodbye. I don’t know whether anything was real now, all I know is that he is the only one who will ever know whether he acted truthfully with me, I know that my feelings were real, and do believe that he did love me at some stage. I know there is no chance of going back for me, but how do I stop thinking about him? I try to think of negative things, but the tears keep coming, even at work. Please give me some tips of removing him from my thoughts. I will not contact him again, I now have my answer.

  100. Fate Newlyn

    Sorry, just one more add, we did live on opposite sides of the globe, and both had a few years left of child rearing before we could have moved closer to each other, so there is no way I could really have prevented this from happening. No more long distance for me.

  101. Sandy

    Hi, I came here because I keep going back and forth on whether to send a letter to a guy friend of mine. We’ve been hanging out and hooking up on and off again for a few years now. We had been hanging out in the same group of friends for about 5 years before the first hookup happened, then 2 years ago he moved away. He told me last January when I was visiting that he loved me but didn’t want to tell any of our mutual friends. This made me both happy and angry, and I didn’t say the “I love you” back (even though I did have feelings for him.) Since then, he’s been back in town for work and we’ve hung out amongst mutual friends and also hooked up again a few months ago. I really just want to write a letter to see if it will help me move on. I’m not expecting it to lead to a reconciliation (or even a response, for that matter.) Should I do it?

  102. Josh

    Hi Fate,

    I am so sorry to hear that. I had suspected there might be another woman involved, but I was hoping there wasn’t. That is hard that it was his ex-wife. As Thea says, and I completely agree, long-distance is hard even at the best of times. I went through about eight months of long-distance, and it was torture. Then we moved together cross-country, and well, you know how that ended up.

    It’s hard to believe now, but it does get better. Those first few weeks and the first month or so were absolutely awful. I cried all the time, I was an emotional wreck, and she was all I could think about or talk about. I am like you, I analyzed everything until I couldn’t anymore, and then I did some more. It’s extra hard for you because of the kid(s) but still.

    I am sure if you look back on the relationship over the next couple of weeks, you’ll see signs. You may also see the red flags that you couldn’t see in the thick of things. I’m not sure what you guys considered cheating, but to me, what he did would be crossing the line. Had you never emailed him, would he have ever gotten in contact with you? This sounds harsh, but I think he is a coward, a selfish one. Instead of tell you the truth of what was really going on, he hides and conceals it, then states he wants a break, which is code for “hope to get back with my ex-wife, and if that fails, I’ll probably come back to you.”

    No contact is huge, and I would highly recommend it. If he is on your Facebook, Twitter, cell phone contact list, email contact list, etc, delete him and/or block him. You need time for yourself. I also highly recommend journaling. It is so nice to be able to look back months later to see how far you’ve come. I was such a mess in the early days and I documented it all, so when I look back, I get to say “wow, I was a complete wreck. I’ve come a long way.” Also, a daily gratitude list couldn’t hurt. Best of luck to you, you’ve got this.

  103. Fate Newlyn

    Thank you for your suggestions and comments. Would he have emailed me? I don’t know, probably not. I sent the email from my work email in case he had blocked me and he had no option but to answer. I also began with, something like, ‘its been over 2 months since I heard from you, hope you are alright, I know that you are not the type of person to just ignore me, so I was a little worried about you’. I sort of left him no options if he wanted to not look like a complete heel. That is the thing that hurts the most, that he didn’t contact me first to tell me, that he didn’t say anything in the first place, but dragged out the process. Yes, he was a coward. I did see red flags, and this is what I thought the problem was, me seeing things that weren’t there, just a change in emails, getting briefer, still full of love, but no songs or clips that he usually sent, however, the last email he sent, he failed to end with I love you. I had done this before and he called me on it. However, when I called him on it this time, it resulted in the ‘break email’. I am trying to not think about him, but I am at work now, and he still comes into my thoughts no matter what and sends me to tears. The email was the right thing for me to do, as it has given me the answers I needed, although not the ones I wanted. I just have to try and let go and move on. I will not contact him again, and I’m sure he will never contact me either. He knows that what has happened cannot be reversed, even if it doesn’t work out with his wife, he knows he has hurt me, and I honestly don’t think this was easy for him either, but I could be wrong, surely you can’t have something with someone for 15 months and just wipe it away like it didn’t matter, the daily contact was something he started, and if for some reason I couldn’t email him, he was always concerned, sending a few to check I was alright. He fell in love first, it took me a little bit longer to trust and let go of fears that it was not real. Woops, that bought the tears. I will keep my dignity as far as he is concerned, we will not likely cross paths again, so it will hopefully get easier, but these first few weeks are going to be hell. The only medium that I have not deleted is the site we met on, but I will not go there until I am free from the pain, if I ever return there again. It was just luck we met there in the first place, as the time difference is so that when I’m awake, he was asleep! Neither of us has suggested friendship, and I don’t want to be friends with someone I loved, it would be too hard. No contact won’t be a problem, I know this is over to the point of no return, my heart just needs to get use to it, and come to terms with the fact that he has left my life for good, and will never know what becomes of him. The never is the hardest part, but the only option.

  104. Mr X

    Hi

    My girlfriend of 10 years recently broke up with me and naturally I ended up here!

    Brief back story, we’re both in our mid 20s and are alls each of us have ever known. The split has been amicable and neither of us can say for sure we will never get back together, I wish to sooner rather than later. We split as my girlfriend couldn’t see us getting married, having a baby or moving in together any time soon – which I was fine with, we both confirmed that we where happy with our current arrangement. We love each other and are best friends. My girlfriend thinks that we will split up in the future over issues mentioned above so we may as well break up now, its been heartbreaking. Alls I want to do is see her, to speak to her, to be with her, this whole no contact is ridiculous especially when neither party has done anything wrong.

    Anyway, when the split was first mentioned, I wrote a letter. I won’t go into too much detail but I’ll give you the jist of it;

    1. We had an argument one morning, and for the first time in our relationship I thought I’d lost her. I apologised for shouting etc. I do have a short temper but never said anything nasty, just my general attitude over the argument.

    2. Told her how much I love her and how much both of us had put into the relationship to make it work to not give up now. Told her that the current situation is breaking my heart.

    3. Thanked her for our time together and told her how wonderful she is (she isn’t the most confident of people)

    4. Told her I’ve already started making changes to make myself a better boyfriend.

    5. Told her I love her and will always be here for her.

    We ended up splitting up, we’re still on friendly terms but at the minute no contact (4 days and counting). reading the letter back I don’t think I should’ve sent it. But in my defence, there was nothing nasty in it, I had things I needed to say .

    Next part, her parents have been a big part of my life also, so I wrote them a letter (I couldn’t face them) which they recieved today. The jist of that is;

    1. Sorry I couldn’t come round in person, couldn’t hold myself together but I didn’t want to just walk away.

    2. Thanked them for their support over the years, apologised for not visiting them enough and now I’ll never have chance to repay their face.

    3. Apologised for anytime over the years I’ve upset them or anyone in the family by upsetting their daughter.

    4. Told them it’s not my decision to split up and don’t think I was just giving up on their daughter. I’ll alwasy love her but got to respect her decision.

    5.Told them how wonderful their daughter is (not patronising in anyway, I re-wrote it and read it a million times)

    6. Thank them both and the rest of the family for treating my like family for the last 10 years.

    7. Wished them all the best for the future, and oneday maybe I’ll be part of that future again.

    8. Told them I’ll always be here for their daughter.

    Thoughts?

  105. YC

    Hello everyone. I was with my ex-lover for around four years while he agonised over leaving the woman he lived with. Their relationship had broken down, but he still loved the house. He finished with me after 4 years, but we resumed a sort of platonic friendship until the other night when he informed me that he had left the woman he had been living with, and was moving in with another woman who he was in love with as soon as he had left me.

    We tied up all the ends, I cried all over him, he’s helping the other woman get straight and get his things out of her house. All well and good. A civilised break-up of sorts, given the circumstances. We wished each other happiness.

    We’ve even exchanged a couple of friendly emails and texts. However – the night before last I was so unhappy and sent him an email saying what I thought of him, and how this new relationship would break down in the end too, just like all the others. I also said that I might manage to be friends with him, but I didn’t want him to think that he had a scrap of my heart.

    Really – I’m just raging that after all that – he ups and moves in with someone else. However, I wish I’d left it and not sent it. I wanted it to end on good terms yet have ruined that. I wrote a 2-line apology, but doubt that he’ll ever contact me again.

    I know he’s gone, and I miss him so much. Please has anyone got any helpful comments for me. I really hurt. By the way – he is 59 and I’m 58. His ex is about 64. Thank-you for reading. Yvonne.

  106. Thea

    Oh honey you’ve not ruined it. You’ve not heard the last of him either I don’t think…It’s seldom as black and white as that sort of thing. I’ve done EXACTLY what you did and eventually ended up speaking to them agin on down the road. You apologised. If he has any sort of decency in him he’ll know you were speaking out of a very hurt place. How could you not be…I know you were trying to be all “civil” etc but I wonder if that was at the detriment of your own feelings and desires? Anyway it will pan out Yvonne. It’s crazy that this stuff that affected us at 16 can do the same when we’re 36, 46, 56 and beyond. Sometimes this stuff just never really gets any easier…

    You sound great. He knows you’re great. You’re probably right – he can’t continually jump someone else’s train…without creating a storm of debris in his wake! Eventually the hurt will catch up to him, I suspect. But in any event “this too shall pass”. You’re doing good. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve not ruined anything.

    You miss him now but either he will return in due course when he’s ready to accept you were right about your assessment or you’ll no longer care. One or the other. Hugs x

  107. YC

    Thank you so much for reading my stuff and replying. He has blocked me on facebook, and I am bereft. Your comment ‘he can’t continually jump someone else’s train…without creating a storm of debris in his wake’ is very true, but apparently it’s what he’s always done. I’d hoped that now he’s nearly 60, with a hernia poking out of his large paunch and sciatica down both legs that he had changed, but once a ‘rock star’ always a ‘rock star’ I guess. Every day I wake up and am straight back to the hurt. I dread getting through the days. I used to feel that his protective arm was always around me, even when he wasn’t here. As a musician, I suppose that he just picked another sweetie from the sweetie jar. I always knew where he was – talking to the most attractive woman in the room. There was a time when he made me feel attractive. he says that this new woman is different to me, and that they have chemistry. At the moment I hate him so much for hurting me. He was good to me during the four years, and I shouldn’t have let myself down by sending the last email. I should have been ladylike. I don’t think he’ll ever talk to me again. It’s nice of you to suggest that he might. Thank you again, Yvonne x

  108. Jay T

    Hello strangers,

    Last month the girl I had been dating for 8 months split up with me out of the blue. She said it had to do with the fact she didn’t share the same level of feelings ( I told her I loved her and she couldn’t say it back). It goes without say that it’s been a difficult time since then, but I feel slightly better than since it happened.

    This is the first breakup that lead me to question a lot about the direction I have been taking my own life and there is some good from it. I quit smoking cannabis the day after, have begun to repair my relationship with the family, talking to a counselor, pursuing my teaching career again and am trying new things and making friends with people who I see as being fundamentally decent folks.

    A week or two back she decided to disconnect with me on various social media platforms, which I knew needed to be done (guilty of spying on her constantly) Obviously it was a very painful moment when I noticed that, so I finally decided to send an email acknowledging my feelings of sadness over the situation but also those of hope that something so bad could produce the foundations of positive changes. I also acknowledged I would like to be friends one day but that now isn’t the time and it likely won’t for a long time.

    I know on the surface this looks like I’m processing it somewhat well but at times I find it very uncomfortable being able to accept the situation and myself for who I am because she was genuinely a very good natured person who I saw a future with. Is it normal to feel so conflicted with trying to move forward while having such difficulty accepting the situation?

    Thanks for providing an outlet to express myself.

  109. Dave

    Hi all,

    I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. We were together for 4 years and we were engaged for 1 of those years. I have reason to believe that she was cheating on me or atleast talking with other guys while with me. She ended up sleeping with another guy 2 days after we broke up. I believe she is seeing the guy she slept with right after we broke up. These facts do not change anything, and I’m writing this to give you my perspective. I will never really know and it doesn’t change anything either way.

    We had our issues. As much as I feel like we could have made things work as our issues were not so deep, I really realize that is just my version. I truly realize that I was too comfortable in the relationship and unable to see things as they were. Even though I had many issues with her or us, I still feel like we could work it all out as I did love her and was willing to let go of those things. From what she said it sounds like she was just not willing let go of those thing and but unable to end things sooner, maybe out of comfortability, but she fell out of love with me, or I believe she may not have ever been in love with me. I now feel like she has moved on so I know I must too.

    I have been struggling with being depressed about everything with this terrible feeling like it’s over but still holding on to this fake movie like scenario that we could somehow get back together. However I realize that there is little chance and I wouldn’t respect myself if I did go back either and to be honest we don’t make much sense together.

    I am wondering if I should really send this letter or not at all. I feel bad that I called her a whore to many of our mutual friends and she heard this from them. I don’t like to burn bridges in a bad way ever and I know our bridge is burned, but I’d like to believe it can be burned in a civil way. I am not looking to get back with her, but only look for personal closure.

    I will definitely take that 48 hour rule and apply it before I send it, but I want to write her a letter that goes like this, ”

    Hi Allie,

    I apologize for any hurtful things I may have said post break up. You were my best friend, my first love, my everything and I always thought we were going to conquer the world together! I heard you are doing well and very happy now. I am sincerely happy for you and I wish you all the best.

    Good luck in NYC,

    Dave”

    Thought?

  110. shane

    Amazingly I found this post… While thinking about making what I am sure another terrible decision.
    Said Ex-boyfriend who I dated for 1 year (we are both in our 40’s divorced with kids) broke up with me, without notice or reason. We had a month of weirdness, some email exchanges and a final ‘talk’ that basically came down to him feeling he was not ‘ready’ for a long term commitment and did not want to hurt to disappoint me or the kids. ( his marriage ended because his ex is an alcoholic) Over the course of the last 4 months we had about 3 weeks of NC then I stupidly left him cookies at his house, which caused a brief text exchange. Then about a month later I had come across some photos from a trip we took together last summer, I wrote a ‘final’ letter to him and sent the pictures. It was a letter that covered pretty much everything I could think of and said I was over us… Which I really was.
    He responded, via email and we had several days of emails back and forth.
    Ultimately, he told me he did not understand why people could not be friends yet it would most likely be very difficult for someone to be friends and move on.
    I told him the only thing I missed was out friendship now and I had moved on just fine. He then made a comment about me only missed out friendship and not the sex….
    Several weeks later he posted a pic on FB of a LAX game, I texted him and we had a friendly exchange. Ran into him and his son in town, had a text exchange. Another while working in his neighborhood several times and he has asked me to stop by, and I have.
    Hear from a mutual friend that he (and he also said this in an email) that he has had a difficult time with the break up, I am everything he could ever want, but he just isn’t ready…
    I miss him, we had an awesome relationship. I have gone out with a few men since and have NO interest in dating… How can I get him to see that it is actually okay to move on after a divorce? He has so much guilt from leaving the crazy he was in…. Any ideas?

  111. Leslie

    It’s amazing how much comfort can be taken from others who know what this kind of pain feels like…

    Please prepare, this is a long post… it’s my story of heartbreak… thank you in advance for reading…. I need to purge this from my system to an audience who can relate…

    My ex and I had a toxic and dysfunctional relationship that ended for the last time one week ago tomorrow. It was on and off for 5 and a half years, infused with a crazy love-hate passion, turmoil, drama, co dependency, and yet too with a bond I can’t even encompass with words nor have I ever in my life experienced with another human being. Emotions ran extremely high, always, as we are both very emotional people and loved each other fiercely.

    We were either riding crazy high highs, or trying to pull through hellishly low lows. Rarely was it stable or consistent. In our off periods over the years, I struggled desperately to move on from him, but could never accomplish that for myself. He was always on my mind. I have saturated journals with the subject of him, tried to date, tried to block him from my mind, but to no avail… nothing ever makes his ghost fade. He always was the one to break up with me. I never once left him. And each break up (we are talking upwards of 20 break ups, no kidding) was epic and painful and shattered me mentally, emotionally, and physically. He just switches and goes cold and completely disappears after telling me I am the one that pushed him away and I only have myself to blame.

    True to form, he vaguely returns after punishing me with his silent treatment for months, sending half assed texts here and there, stringing me along in those off periods, feeding me crumbs while he samples his options with other women and contemplates my worth. But then eventually he would always come back to me… telling me he never stops hoping for us to work out, that I am the love of his life, his soul mate, etc. Every time we get back together I am plagued with jealousy and insecurity over his other relationships, especially after finding out that he told those other women the same things he tells me when he’s with me (#devastating). This last 8 months we were together, he bought me a promise ring, we made grandiose plans for the future, tried to forget the past, and we fell in love harder and deeper than we ever had before. But the fighting, the old resentments, the past hurts and pains creeped up more and more, wedged between us and wouldn’t budge.

    I started seeing a therapist to help me with my personal issues, to be better for me, for him, and for us. But his issues, his temper, his defense mechanisms and negativity he didn’t face or work on. He just sat back and put blame and demands and conditions on me, growing more and more cold and distant over time, like he always does, and causing me to grow even more insecure with him. It was a vicious cycle that wouldn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried or devoted my every waking second to him. Our extremely powerful love and connection kept us trying, regardless of our problems.

    We broke up a month ago, exchanged ugly hurtful text messages and battled over the exchange of our belongings, family members got dragged in, it was an awful mess that shell shocked my system to the point that I lost 10 pounds in two weeks, missed work, had to see a doctor for medication to cope… a living nightmare. Literally. And then he started warming back up to me, texting me that he missed me and wanted me in his life. Instant relief. I could breathe again. On his terms, as always, we agreed to try again, to take baby steps. When we reunited in person and I laid eyes on him for the first time in two weeks, I literally leaped into his arms. We cried and made passionate out of this world love and kept saying to each other over and over that we could never move on from each other even if we tried, that what we had was too powerful, that he’d never be able to get me out of his head or his heart, that we could never figure out how to live with or without each other.

    Then, after a couple of days, all the same crap started to creep back up… he was still pissed about stuff that he said I did wrong, I was still upset about a lot too, but tried to let it go… still, we started arguing again… he started getting cold and pulling away, and it broke me in half… again.

    So one night, after a bottle of wine… I was reacting to intense emotions I was feeling at the moment by his callus behavior towards me that whole day, and possibly testing his flight or fight response…. and sent him a text saying “Bye Matt”… “You don’t want this, neither do I.” The next day, I realized how stupid it was for me to have done that and I regretted it with every fiber of my being, but it was too late to take it back. He texted back and said I was 100% right, and that he couldn’t live like this anymore. That regardless of how much he loves me, he couldn’t have me in his life, that we are better off without each other, that he wants me to find happiness and that he is not responsible for that. Told me to continue seeing my therapist and that I needed to let him go and to please never contact him again.

    This is really it. And it is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I know we were wrong for each other, but it doesn’t make this any easier. I have always showed him so much forgiveness and compassion when he has flown off the handle and said terrible things to me, but when I mess up, he is completely unwilling to show me the same forgiveness. I saw yesterday that he deleted and blocked me from every form of social media we were connected through. I had to retreat to a conference room at work because I was crying so hard. I want to reach out to him to try to get him to respond, but I don’t even know what to say at this point. Knowing he doesn’t want to hear from me makes this so much harder.

    I hate myself for sending that drunken text. I have lost the love of my life and everything feels so hallow now. I don’t even know how to begin to try to move on. I just know I have to. I have been down this road so many times before and have yet to succeed at getting over him. Part of me hopes he’ll come back someday, but the other part of me is disgusted by the thought of allowing myself to be stomped on by this guy over and over and over again. My friends and family are so sick of watching me torture myself over this man when he is far from worth it. He’s like my sick addiction… and I need rehab.

    Thank you for reading and for any advice you can offer. I am in desperate need of support right now…

  112. Marie

    I agree with the addiction part. I’m addicted to that feeling of love. Deep, sincere, sweet love. Withdrawing from it is fucking hard. How do I go through rehab on my own? I can’t afford a therapist. I feel like I’m tearing off my skin and restitching it back together. I know it’s a problem. I know the person I was seeing doesn’t feel this way. Right? We had a misunderstanding, not even a fight. He was gone and busy not calling, not texting. I missed him, we hadn’t seen each other in like two weeks. I got drunk and exploded my emotions in a voicemail.He said he’d call me back, but he hasn’t. He didn’t. I have no closure. No communication. I walk the streets hoping to bump into him. I’m delusional, right? I’m trying to find my inner strength but, I’m failing. I wrote him a letter and poems. ugh. i’m weak. how do i find strength??

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  114. Ben

    Hello all, and Thea.

    I was friends with a girl for about a year in which we really go to know each other, fears, hopes, expectations. In April of 2014 we started dating. I live and work in Colombia South America. She came to the states in the summer to visit. We spent a month here and traveling to NYC. My family loves/d her…(pretty sure more than me) and we headed back to Colombia. I have lived there for more than a decade. Our relationship was mature. No games, unconditional love. She was willing to come to the states and live if that’s what I decided, her family I get along with well and have known the mom for 5 years, in a work relationship (even before knowing her daughter) This past Christmas she came to Florida to spend a month with my family. Here is when the problems begin to build up.

    Certain issues begin building up and caused us to break up in Feb. She was clear that she would wait for me to work on them, and for my part I had voiced my concerns with something that was bothering me.

    About 2 months later we got back together after writing down the things we would like the other to work on (do less or more of) and honestly saying that we did not feel that the other person was trying to change us. In fact, I can say that the concerns were/have made me a better person. Otherwise if you feel the person is trying to change you then get out.

    It worked for about a month and half. But we just broke up again last week. We had spent about 2 weeks of very little communication before. For my part I was feeling that i wasn’t being desired by her. She felt I was withdrawing. I told her it was because I felt I wasn’t desired. She went to Europe with her family and wanted me to come, I said I would go to be with her in Italy for two weeks, but in the midst of these feelings I wasn’t sure about it, I felt the relationship was insecure and that made me less sure about going.

    It all came to a head last week. She said that she feels I live in the future, not the present. That I am not happy. I told her I have been feeling not happy because I feel her desire is not there. I am really bummed, I feel we both put a lot of work in this. I am using this time to reflect and work on what she said for me, but it’s tough when you’re mind is consumed on them. We wrote a little back and forth for 4 days after the break up, while I came to Florida and she headed to Europe with her parents.

    I have been reading all about the no contact, etc. THe last thing I said to her was that I wanted to be very clear and that I would go to Italy if she wanted me to. I also asked her if she was 100% sure of this decision, to write 2 different stories instead of the same one together. And that I still wanted to write one. She wrote back saying that she didn’t understand me, that she says it seems I have to be apart to really see what I want, that we have to travel so we “can” get better and that she doesn’t want that. She wants to enjoy every step, the day by day.

    I just wrote back saying, “yes you’re right”, nothing more. She didn’t mention the whole being 100% sure thing that I asked her. And now it’s been 5 days. I guess I want to write her, but it’s like if someone says they want to break up and explains why…they have already thought it through. They are taking stock and concluding..it’s not worth it.

    So, I want to write, I go back and forth everyday, but never do.

    Am I a fool for thinking there is anything I could ask or mention to rectify this? Is my only option just no contact and let it be. I don’t want that, but I look at what I said to her about meeting her in Italy and how I don’t want to write 2 stories, and is she 100 convinced that she does…and how she didn’t respond to that and it’s like I think that says it all, correct?

    It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in it. We are coworkers. We will see each other in 37 days (but who’s counting…?) of course that does not mean at all that we will actually talk.

    Any advice Thea?

  115. Thea

    Well I think some time apart will do you good. I’d wait the 33 more days (or so) and see how you feel then.

    The problems can be that our minds create stories…yours that she wasn’t “desiring” you and so you withdraw and she feels it too. That happens a lot in relationships…We interpret things incorrectly and then react.

    I’d keep thinking about the things she said and see if any rings true…Do you live to much in the future? Can you do things to be more present?

    I think keep quiet until she gets back from Europe, and when she’s back see if she’d be willing to meet for a walk or some lunch…to hear about things and tell how you’re feeling THEN. A month apart sounds healthy! But use the month wisely working on being the best YOU you can be. OK? Am here if you need me!

  116. Lee

    Hi Thea i sent a reply to you when you asked for more information but now both messages are no longer here. Did you receive my last one?

    Thanks Lee

  117. Jeff

    I’m seeing a lot of myself in these comments, and would welcome any thoughts on my situation. My girlfriend broke up with me two months ago and it’s consumed me 24/7. We were only together six months, but it was intense. I haven’t slept, at all. Our first date was electric. She kissed me first. We then moved very quickly. Two weeks later our families were visiting together on Thanksgiving. She all but moved in with me for six incredible months. We took several lavish trips.

    Then one day she called after work as usual and said she didn’t want me to come over. That as quickly as she fell in love, she fell out. I was completely blindsided. Two days later we went for a walk for several hours and she ended up sitting on my lap, kissing my forehead and lips back and forth before we both erupted into tears. I did well at no contact for the first few weeks, but she would text every few days, “Don’t think I’m not thinking about you”, “I just want to say hi and see how you’re doing”, “I’m thinking about you”.

    Then I initiated a lighthearted text exchange where she agreed to meet for drinks. We talked for a couple hours, holding hands, kissing, tearing up, but talking about how we would give each other more space going forward and be together. At the end of the talk, she said nothing’s changed and was sorry I got the wrong idea. I then spent the night with her and that was it. We had a few more texts, but then I lashed out and said she never loved me, and wished she did this four months ago. I know the reason is our relationship became stale. It was too routine, seeing each other every day, doing the same things. It was too effortless and it was our downfall. She refused a lighthearted chat and drink a couple of weeks ago. First agreeing to it, then saying it was a bad idea when I told her I just wanted to break the ice for when we bump into each other.

    These two months have made me realize that although everything seemed perfect, she just got bored. I’m currently writing a letter explaining all this and just a basic wanting to talk TO her, not with her. I’ve done a lot of reflection and feel the need to share my thoughts with her. I truly do not want any kind of response. I never shared how much she meant to me, and all the tiny moments I fell in love with. I know she’s not coming back, and realize no contact has its merits. I truly know her character and don’t believe she’ll read my letter in disgust. And since I know she’s moving on, I don’t care if it pushes her away. We can’t be friends, we can’t be lovers, but she’s still hugely important to me. My letter has a tone of acceptance, I just want her to know what I’ve realized and describe how I’m feeling. Thanks again for this blog.

  118. Lannis_h

    Hi ,
    I am a 30 yr old who was dating a 41 yr old. The relationship lasted 6 months off and on. The first two months were amazing at times overwhelming. I say overwhelming because I have never had a person wanting to hear from me every second of the day, everyday. We constantly texted, or saw each other. It helped that we were neighbors lol (or did it? ) we met each other’s family and our relationship moved quickly. I was the one to say I love you after 3 months, he did not. Though he said he cared for me deeply. Things started to change and the way we were wasn’t the same. He would text less and make himself less available. I would question and have concern about us and He would reply with him being busy. We broke up twice. I was the one who would end it due to lack of communication and misunderstandings and insecurities in our relationship. He would always return. Well the last time I did the break it lasted the longest though, he came around but not asking to get back . I was the one that purposed the idea. That lasted a week of texting, coming over late nights. This all happened the week before mothers day. Two days before Mother’s Day he started acting very distant. Barely any responses back . Then the dreadful I’m not ready for a relationship, I enjoy you but I am not trying to be in a relationship spill was told to me on Mother’s Day! Not even a happy Mother’s Day wish. It’s been 3 months since this happened. He hasn’t texted or tried to communicate with me. We both have children that play with each other, so it makes it hard to move on and or know what’s going on in each other’s lives. I thought it was just a phase or perhaps just a lot going on in his life and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I came to find out ( by his kids) that he was interested in someone else. A month before his (I’m not ready for a relationship bs) we had a weird month , which led me to breaking up with him before he returned for the last time. Well while in that month he started the new interest. I did not know all this until after the who Mother’s Day bs and weeks after. What gets me is he couldn’t be truthful? I know we had some issues but not enough to not try and work things out like he would say. His break up text literally said” look you were the one who wanted this. I did not. I’m not ready for a relationship. I am not trying to lead you on. I enjoy you but I am not trying to be in a relationship.” I didn’t even know how or what to respond since the week prior his actions and words conflicted. Why not just tell me the truth? I had to find out by your children?? About your new girl! I mean seriously? So I haven’t been able to move on, this still bothers me. He is unaware that I know about his new gf since she lives 16 hours away. I felt after that text that there might be a chance in the future but I fact is was just a way out. I could have stopped the hopes. I want to write him a letter or text about my feelings and why he would do this to me after knowing what I’ve been thru. I don’t want to get back with him but for the sake of our kids and my sanity there has to be peace and some type of respect so I can just move on and let go. I am not sure what to do

  119. Reeva

    Hello Thea,
    I have been talking to a guy and we have been in a LDR for a year now. He came down to India in Jan, we met, spent moments, it was great but he was confused about the future. We had a bad fight over it. But once he went back, he couldnt resist staying in touch all the time and he clearly missed me.

    After a few months I decided to visit him to the US, he was so excited, even booked my tickets, did so much for me. Treated me like a princess. Loved me. Cried when i left. But once i came back he is again behaving strange and saying to be good friends. I obviously hated it and ended furiously calling him a user etc etc.

    He went cold after that saying I am nothing for him anymore after all he did for me.I emailed him so many times, with feelings of anger, resentment,apology etc. as per the emotions of that day. He wont respond to any. It disheartens me totally. We would talk to each other endlessly and even we run out of words, we understood each others slience so well.

    I am sad. I dont know if he will ever come back. Its been two weeks now. He is a bit of stubborn guy, but have always come back , this time i have a feeling he wont. I ave a letter typed, not sent. Saying how i am ok to let go if thats what he wants. Should i send?

    Pls advice.

    Love,
    Rids

  120. Pumpkin84

    hi there,

    Two years ago i got dumped by my ex..the guy i loved to the bits because like he said he”only loved sex with me but not me”.I passed terrible time trying to heal myself.Now 2 years later we are both singles..He tries to pick up every single girl whereas i reject everyone.We never talked since i have moved out from his house after a big argument.Recently we see each other in town passing each other on the street and he always gives me that sad look whereas i try to ignore him but deep down it still affects me..His colleague says he hasnt learnt his lesson and treats women as sexual subject and that i shouldnt send him any letter but i still have feelings for him..i dont want him back becasue i wouldnt cope with all emotional swings he gave me before but i just feel like i want him to know i do forgive him..Should i hand in the letter to him or just burn it?There is no abuse or something, just that my thoughts on him and our past relationship. …any advice much appreciated as i feel like i want to do it but deep down i still miss him at times which is a sign that i didnt get over him completely so dont know what to do

  121. Jan B

    Hi Thea, I am in need of some help. My bf of 8 years dumped me in March 2015 after an arguement. He was drunk and stoned and told me to “get my shit and get out”. Which was a joke because I only had a hair dryer at his house. We have had worse arguements. Long story short, he has only answered a text one time on Easter and that was it. I did no contact for 30 days and nothing. I did 90 days no contact and nothing. I think he may have blocked my cell and I had blocked him on and off for a short while. I just sent him a letter last week and it was not hateful or mean. I wrote what was in my heart. I did not beg him back. His neighbors still keep in touch with me via text off an on, and of course we never discuss him. My therapist wants me to stay away from them, which I have done. I believe he hates me and she says she doesn’t think so, he just doesn’t know how to respond. I still love him very much and I am no spring chicken….I am 61, he is 62. It doesn’t get any easier when you get older, it hurts just as much, no matter what your age. We have a lot in common and I thought I would spend the rest of my days with him. I had no intention of getting married and neither does he. Still no response from him since he received the letter, it has been less than week. Do I just give it up ?? I am moving on with my life….sort of, I have no choice in a possible reconciliation. He holds all the power. I won’t go on line to date and I am meeting no one my age. I have stayed very busy doing things I enjoy. How long do I wait for a response…..or did I get my response months ago??

  122. Thea

    >> “I believe he hates me and she says she doesn’t think so”

    I agree with the therapist…100% this has NOTHING to do with you I don’t think. Unless there is way more to the story than you’re telling?

    Do you just give up? That’s such a painful way of putting it but aye I’d say so…Release it. Do the ole “if you love someone set them free” type of thing.

    Power is a bullsh*t illusion. He has not power over you. That’s just a thought and a painful one at that.

    You are in control over your own life. He’s in charge of his own. The only thing you can do – is keep on living and loving.

    Quit staring at the door that’s closed and look for the open window.

    You’re right it doesn’t get any easier does it? Our egos though really don’t help us though. They create these stories and we believe them. It’s mind made misery.

    Trust he loves and cares about you but for whatever reason can’t be honest with you about what happened. Sounds like there is someone else on the scene – as a hunch. But whether there is or isn’t it doesn’t matter now.

    It’s history and the only way out of this pain is through it ok? So keep going. Be grateful for the time you had with him and take away whatever you can that will help you in the future – with the next gentleman.

    Don’t let him put you off men. Not all men will handle a split in such a cowardly way. And I am not surprised he didn’t respond to the letter. They seldom do!!

    Hugs xx You take care ok? x

  123. Jan B

    Thanks Thea. I am pretty much still a hot mess. I feel he is being cowardly as well. I didn’t know that men seldom reply to a letter. I have been seeing my therapist off an on for over 12 years, so she knows my history through a previous bad relationship with someone that had a personality disorder. My current ex is an alcoholic (in denial) and she said this is typical alcoholic behaviour. Self centered, selfish, all about “him.” At first she and my psychiatrist both said that he would contact me for that very reason and they have been wrong so far. 3 years ago we broke up for 7 months and we reconciled. He was on dating web sites before he met me with no luck. I truly feel in my heart he won’t find anyone to replace me. I treated him like a king, did everything for him, bought him things, groceries,gifts, etc,etc and he never appreciated it. My heart is truly broken and I have no desire to meet anyone. I keep a small hope in my heart, and you are probably right. There is no hope. I thought I was the only one that thought he was being cowardly. All I want is some closure. What is he so afraid of? I did do a couple of drunk texts very early on in the breakup, but none since then. He won’t answer, so I don’t know if I am blocked or if he is ignoring me. Should I block his number ??

  124. Thea

    Sorry to hear you’re a “hot mess”. Hope that you can get some clarity. I often recommend the book Coming Apart Daphne Kingma Rose I think her name is…It may help you to look at the whole thing differently. It’s pretty thought provoking.

    Really I’d stop thinking about him – being cowardly or blocking his number or anything else and bring your focus 100% back onto yourself. You are the only one you need to worry about as you are the one who needs to live with you 24/7.

    You say you’re a giver. I’m a giver too. But you CHOSE to treat him like a king, buy his groceries, and so forth…when you said he didn’t appreciate it. So the question is not why did he just “use” you (for lack of a better phrase) and turn it around to “why did I feel the need to do all this stuff and buy all these things for a guy who didn’t seem to appreciate it?” YOUR CHOICE. And frankly you don’t really know that he didn’t appreciate it. You only know he didn’t seem to acknowledge it. There’s a difference.

    I hope you don’t meet anyone for a while. You shouldn’t want to meet anyone already. It’s too soon. I don’t think I ever said there’s no hope…? Not sure how you read that in what I said. My main thing is that you focus on you. Not him. He may or may not be back. I have no idea. No one does. Probably not even him at the moment.

    There may be someone else (I might have said that?) but I didn’t say there’s no hope. I’d say bury the hope and act as if it is over now so that you can heal. If you sit around pining, hoping and wishing, then you’re not healing.

    So prepare for it being over and trust that either he or someone better will be out there when you’ve done some self work.

    But it comes back to you. Always you. You need to be the kind of woman a guy would want to be with. Strong. Positive. Self-loving. Self respecting. Benevolent.

    Closure is an illusion. Just like power. There is no such thing as closure. Questions lead to more questions. The trick is to start asking the right questions. “What have I learned from this?” or “How can I do better next time?” or “what is it in me that would stay with someone like that?” and “how can I give myself what I was looking for from him?” etc.

    Forget about the whole blocking and ignoring thing and just work on being your positive self.

    Hit Youtube and find some good meditation CDs…about self love, forgiveness, and healing.

    He’s not a bad guy just maybe not handling it as well as he could have. Men really weren’t taught to communicate. Be better for all of us if we had communication classes all through school. So it’s no surprise someone of his age is ill equipped with how to handle things. It’s guilt. It’s fear. It’s not knowing what to say. Etc. Wish him well and focus on you now ok? x

  125. Jan B

    Thanl you so much Thea. Yes, I know I chose to give, and give, and give. I do that with everyone. I am seeing my therapist still and probably will be for a while. I am currently reading “Addiciton to Love” and also a book about ‘boundaries’. I am also beginning to attend ALANON meetings, since I was dealing with alcoholism with him and his neighbors. I am taking horseback riding lessons, took motorcycle riding lessons, a concealed carry gun class, self defense class this week and a Scuba class in November. So I am doing things on my “bucket list”. I also went on vacation in Mexico for 10 days by myself for my birthday in July. Absolutely no interest in dating what-so-ever. I know I won’t be for quite a while. I don’t trust my judgement in men. Twice divorced. 2nd husband was the “normal” one. Everyone else #$%@* ! I was able to work out my “pattern” and find out why I choose who I choose through my therapist. And I still choose them! Aaaaahhhh ! I appreciate your kind words and encouragement!

  126. Thea

    You sound great my dear! Horseback riding and Mexican jaunts! You’re gonna not only survive this, you’ll thrive. Watch! x

  127. JanB

    Hey Thea, I bought the book you suggested “Coming Apart”. It is a tough read for me and makes me feel upset. I am not so far up the rope as I would like to be. Some days I still cry. I do fill my days off with lots of fun things, but with no one to share them with, it kind of sucks.

  128. Thea

    I am sorry. I’d hoped it would have the opposite effect on you. How long ago did it end? I know what you mean about not having someone to share the fun with…but in the meantime you keep trying to have some fun. Eventually it will be less “faking it”…and you’ll have someone else to share fun with. Hugs…x

  129. Jan B

    Oh don’t be sorry Thea! I am just a very emotional person when it comes to breakups. My therapist said everyone has their own “time frame” when it comes to loss. I still have a card that I want to send him and I know I shouldn’t. Things ended almost 8 months ago, but he has never faced me or spoken to me since we had the arguement. I feel like it has only been a couple of months, because I am so hurt. It makes me feel like I am the bad person because he won’t talk to me! I know that sounds warped and it is. All of his neighbors and family really like me, so I have lost a large “friend” base. I am truly broken over this split.

  130. f.p.

    I filed for divorce 2 years ago because my ex wife would not take the time to discuss our problems either together or with a therapist so the problems got worse. Yes I am fully aware that I was part of the problem. Finalized 8 months ago. We have two kids. I get very depressed, as I am today, after I return the kids from visitation. Ex has been very nice lately and even came out with me to a show recently. This gives me hope for our future. I would reconcile in a minute if our intentions were honest but I don’t think she considers this a possibility. I wrote a letter but holding on to it for now.

  131. Jan B

    I understand F.P. We were not married or engaged, but it is like going through a divorce after being together for 8 years. I have no children, but he has 4 grown children from previous marriages. From doing a lot of reading and going to Alanon meetings. My ex bf is (I discovered through Alanon) that he is a HFA which is a high functioning alcoholic. His neighbor IS an alcoholic. I feel very disheartened that my ex won’t give me the time of day. He has me blocked from texting him and probably calling. I won’t call him to find out. Thea has been a great help and very encouraging, but I have no hope for reconcililation. It has been 8 months and not a word. It makes me feel like a bad person because he won’t speak to me, but it isn’t me that has the problem, it’s him. I am in therapy and just want to talk to him. I am not interested in talking to him to get him back in my life. Thea has been clear that he is probably seeing someone else, and they never respond to a letter. Being 61 and alone is not fun. Especially as a woman. Men have a wider age range to choose from. I have come to terms with being alone somewhat. That makes me sad as well. At least you get to see your ex because of the children. Is she seeing someone?

  132. Tonya

    I’m glad I found this website. I’m needing a lot of help.

    My bf broke up with me a month ago after we had a few months of a complete and amazing relationship. Nothing was wrong in it. We connected so well and saw each other almost everyday, mutually wanting to spend that time together.
    Then a week before the breakup, I noticed he wasn’t acting his chipper self as usual. So I tried to cheer him up by getting him his favorite beer and pizza and a new book trilogy and snickers. All his favorite things. But that one night he comes over and breaks up with me out of the blue. (Same night I got him all the goodies)

    He tells me he has emotional baggage. That he has feelings for a married woman that he works with. Told me that they had an affair a year ago before we met (no sex he said). Husband found out and they stopped seeing each other. Then he tells me she reached out to him recently saying she was jealous of our relationship and that she was unhappy with her marriage. So I guess his feelings for her just came back and nulled his feelings for me. But he said he’s having feelings for both her and me but hers is more amplified because he’s known her for much longer.
    He told me that if he ‘figures out his bullshit’ in the future and gets past it and we cross paths again, things could work out. That really puts me in a tough position of waiting.
    Because I really love the guy. I’ve never been connected to someone so much in my life. And I’ve been through a few relationships already.

    He hasn’t told his friends about this woman or brings her around because he knows it’s wrong. So none of his important group of friends know about what he’s doing. He also didn’t tell them we broke up. They just found out when I stopped coming to the group gatherings.

    I don’t know why he’s doing this and why he just couldn’t choose the right path with me when we had a great relationship.

    One of our mutual friends asked him this past weekend what happened with us and all he really said was the ‘spark’ just wasn’t there. But I don’t believe that. The mutual friend knows about him and the married woman but he doesn’t know that. So I think he could have just said that as an excuse to not talk about it. But I don’t know for sure.

    I want to wait for him. And become friends with him and possibly see if he gets past this but I don’t know if he will. I feel he really had feelings for me until this woman threw herself back into his life because she knows he hasn’t been able to deal with things yet.

    Please help.

  133. Sue

    I stumbled across this when i was trying to figure out what kind of letter would be best – a short good bye with a good memory mentioned that would make him think, or a much longer one (3 pages) of heartfelt thoughts about our relationship and why it had ended. Now I’m stuck.

    He called me about 2 months ago and broke up by phone. He told me that he didn’t see the relationship going any further, couldn’t see us moving in together, didn’t think he’d say he loved me. This came totally out of the blue. Two days previous, we’d just finished a great weekend together. I was at his place and we had a great day and a very good evening. He told me I was a beautiful person – inside and out and asked me to stay over. He said he just wanted me to be next to him. I couldn’t because I had to work next day. I left and went home. I texted him when I got there as I always did. (He always had me do that so he’s know I got there safely.) Next day, I texted him at work to say hi – like we always did – just to see how each other’s days were going. He texted back saying he was going to his daughter’s place for supper after work. All seemed normal. That night, I hadn’t heard from him so I texted. No response. I just figured he was still at his daughters place so I went on to bed. At some point, he texted to say he was dealing with something and would get back to me in the next couple of days. I texted back telling him I’d leave him be but hoped he was okay.

    Next evening, he called and broke it off. Said he’s been thinking about it for a couple of weeks. He struggled with his decision but gave me the reasons above. Of course, I became upset and cried some. This was totally not what I was expecting him to say. I finally just said good bye to him and he hung up without saying a word. I didn’t like how that ended, so I sent an email. I just told him I was upset at how things ended and more or less told him that just because he thought he couldn’t say he loved me didn’t mean that the relationship wasn’t going well. It had been only 8 months, after all. He replied and asked me if I could give him some time to think. He was confused and was struggling with something. I emailed back telling him I’d give him space for as long as I could but if he decided to end things, I’d be okay and move forward. His response to that was a few days later when he told me I was the sweetest person he’d ever been with, that I was the last person in the world he’d ever want to hurt, and that he had just bought a new phone and added me to his contact list. He promised we’d talk again in person as soon as he sorted things out.

    A month went by. I gave him space. Then I thought I’d just send a text to him – nothing to do with us. It was actually to tell him that I show I’d mentioned to him a few months back was coming on. I told him I hoped he was doing well. That night he sent me an email telling me that he didn’t think it was fair to me to be in a relationship where he couldn’t tell me he loved me after 8 months and he wished he could tell me he wanted to try again but couldn’t. This happened a week ago. I haven’t replied to him.

    I’ve been told that a closure letter can sometimes snap a person out of it and make them realize that they might have made a mistake about ending the relationship in some cases, especially if the breakup was not based on cheating, fighting, or anything overtly negative. In our case, he seems to think that we can’t continue seeing each other because he cant say ‘I love you.’ That is absurd. I never needed to hear him say that to me. I think he misinterpreted me saying that I loved him in a more innocuous way for being ‘in love’ with him. I use the L word quite a lot – “I love you for being so kind.” “That is what I love about you.” – things like that. At one point, he told me he had ‘strong’ feelings for me too.

    So, since he’s read 2 lengthy emails from me in the recent past and has responded, and because it is looking like we will not see each other in person again as he promised, I am leaning towards a longer letter. I just don’t know. I don’t buy it that he doesn’t have feelings for me. Why would he struggle to make a decision. Basically, I’m feeling lost. I’d surely appreciate opinions if anyone has anything to offer.

    Thanks for listening.

  134. Alex

    There is now 20 days since we broke up and 9 days since she told me she is dating with another guy. Since then I sent her a good luck letter and yesterday a happy birthday ( I have not stuck into NC yet…) I feel very sorry for this as I feel I was not ready to support this relationship and I it was primarily my fault on its break up…I wont do it again for sure..I want to write her a letter to thank her for the special moments, also for the lesson I took now through the break up and to express her my understanding that this break up happened because I was not ready to support it….I do not expect anything from her…Is just that I want to express my understanding to her on why this happen and take on my own responsibility…shall I do this? I feel to do it..Thank you for any advice

  135. Maggie Wise

    I have just typed up an e-mail that I never intended to send. But now that’s it’s right there on my computer I’m considering it. My relationship was complicated (aka f*cked up). He came on strong. Really strong. Then changed his mind. Then back again. Then back. Then again. Then ‘if I had a girlfriend it would be you, but I don’t want one. Want to come up for dinner?’. And I did… go up for dinner… and hanging out, cuddling on the couch, pet names, regular daily texts, intimacy… all the stuff you DO in a relationship. But technically we weren’t in one. I was his girlfriend but he wasn’t my boyfriend. As I tried to back off and spend time with friends and maybe meet other guys he kept trying to get me to spend more time with him. Did I mention he lives up stairs from me?
    And then there were 2 days that I was strong and made other plans… and that is when the new girl appeared. Within a few days she was/is spending the night at least 4-6 nights a week.
    And yet I still got texts from him…’I miss you but I get it.’ And some funny ones, and some ones about ‘did I get one of his packages in my mail box by mistake.’ And then one that asked right out if ‘we could be neighbors again sometime – as in aka ‘let’s be friends’. But I *know* what friendship means to him – filling his time when new girl isn’t available … and most likely doing the things we used to do. I replied that I think it’s best if we part ways. Since then it’s gotten VERY loud upstairs. I got to listen to him and his new *girlfriend*? chase each other through the apartment until 2 am, followed by moans of ecstasy.
    I’m not getting much sleep these days.
    So I wrote a really ugly (yet true) letter – that I will never send. Ever. And then a more civil letter. Much more civil. I felt so much better after writing. And surprisingly the 2nd letter was not written in anger. Now I’m debating if I should send it.
    Here are my reasons to send it: 1. closure (yeah, I know. Our last face to face was of him standing in my kitchen screaming at me because I asked him to ask his new girl to be quieter when she ascends his stairs (by my bedroom) after 10 pm.) 2. That maybe… maybe it will make my home life a tiny bit easier (not that he will stop having her over, or actually EVER leave his apartment other than for work.) but maybe a tiny bit quieter or considerate. 3. Just because he can be cruel, unkind, and a jerk – doesn’t mean I have to be. 4. Will this bring any peace to my life?
    ## I do not want him back. I don’t think he’s good for me – so friendship is not possible. But we do live in the same house – and that feels crappy. I’m not in the position to move. Besides I really like my apartment. He often does not do what he says he will do, but he did mention in a text that he found a place to move to (in JUNE!!) – but still, if I moved out and he then moved out 2 months later, I would regret giving up my sweet pad.
    I’m open to hear what you have to say. Thanks!

  136. Ashley

    So I just came across this site and would love some advice if it’s still going.

    I just broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 1 and a half years 5 days ago because I found out he was matching with and messaging other women on Tinder. The relationship had been on the rocks for a while but the fact that he did that instead of just doing the decent thing and breaking up with me first, especially because I had told him that if he ever felt the desire to cheat he should break up with me, is eating me alive. I had suspected him of cheating before this but ignored my gut instincts because I loved him and wanted to believe him when he told me nothing was going on.

    When I confronted him he first said he was blackout drunk and didn’t remember doing it, then that he just wanted to “talk to someone,” then that he probably wanted to “subconsciously sabotage our relationship and get it over with,” which obviously worked. He also said he was so sorry, that it was a huge mistake, that he still loved me, that our relationship and I deserve much better than what he did, etc. We both knew it was over and he didn’t make any noises about wanting to still be with me.

    I know he doesn’t want to get back together with me and I don’t want to get back together with him. It never would have worked out long-term, which we both knew; we’re incompatible at a base level but I still loved him. It’s extremely painful since I had been worried about him cheating on me our entire relationship and then he finally did. My nightmares were suddenly a reality.

    We lived together and I had moved out in a hurry on Saturday after I broke up with him. I couldn’t stand to be there one more minute after I confronted him and I was so hurt and angry that I just wanted to get away. Today I had to make contact with him after five days of No Contact because my work sent a check that I need to his house.

    I asked him to forward me the check and then I said something I regret: “By the way: I don’t hate you and I think we could actually be friends eventually. I’m just going to need a lot of time. Right now I’m still angry and completely, utterly devastated, and I don’t know how long that will last. But thank you for sending the envelope.”

    And he said, “I hope we can eventually be friends as well. I would really like that. I still feel awful, you and our relationship deserved a much better ending. If there is anything I could ever do for you just say it.”

    Now, you would think all is hunky dory after that exchange, but a few hours after I sent the text I realized there’s no way I can be friends with him after what he did, just for my own self-respect, and I don’t think I can ever forgive him. Right after we broke up I told him I don’t want to be friends, and that was the truth. Now I’ve gone back on it and regret it.

    I need to send him a text, or series of texts, saying that I thought about it after I said that and decided that I can’t be friends with him or forgive him for what he did. I intend to do this with the expectation that he will not answer these texts and that this will be the end of all contact for us, which is what I want. I don’t want to speak to him again, ever, at this point, but I also don’t want him to think that what I said earlier means I forgive him for what he did or that it’s OK in any way. I suspect that second reason is the real reason I want to send this message.

    I’ve thought about a few versions and wanted your opinion on whether I should just leave what I said alone as I might regret it later or send one of these series of messages:

    The first, more succinct series:

    “I’ve thought a lot about the possibility of us being friends and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you for what you did.

    I can’t keep someone in my life who disrespected and lied to me. You chose to betray me in the most deceitful, personal way possible instead of being honest and breaking up with me when you realized you wanted someone else.

    Your actions are indicative of how little respect you must have had for me, as a person or as your long-term girlfriend. Knowing that, I can’t be friends with you.”

    Then, the more emotionally fraught series:

    “After our conversation the other day, I thought a lot about the possibility of us being friends. I came to the conclusion that at this point I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you.

    I can’t keep someone in my life who disrespected and lied to me. You chose to betray me in the most deceitful, personal ways possible instead of being honest and breaking up with me when you realized you wanted someone else.

    I should have trusted my instinct after I found all those things from other women and saw your Snapchat filled with private pictures from other women. I tried so hard to ignore my own instincts about your actions because I loved you so much.

    I wanted so badly to believe you every time you said you would never cheat on me, but you had either already done so or you were actively looking for the opportunity to do so that night. As you’ve said repeatedly, I deserve better.

    Your actions are indicative of how little respect you must have had for me, as a person or as your long-term girlfriend. Knowing that, for the sake of my own self-respect, I can’t be friends with you.”

    Alternatively I could just keep it brief and send,

    “I’ve thought a lot about the possibility of us being friends and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you for what you did. I don’t want to keep you in my life after you disrespected me in the most incredibly hurtful way possible.”

    The latter series is the one I wrote first, when I was extremely upset, and the former is the pared down version. That last is as civil as I could keep it right now. I’ve talked to my best friend and my therapist about it and they both told me to explore the intentions behind why I want to send these messages before I do so.

    For me I think it’s mainly because I’m scared my magnanimous message today might have made him think that what he did is OK when it’s not and never will be. It’s also because I genuinely don’t want him in my life after what he did and I regret saying we could be friends. I don’t want to contact him after this and I think it would give me a little closure to stick in the detail about how disrespected I feel and how he lied to and betrayed me after reassuring me for an entire year and a half that he would never cheat on me, and then doing exactly that.

    What do you guys think? I’m planning on employing the 48 Hour rule but I will be sending him some kind of message after that rescinding the possibility of friendship because after thinking about it I just can’t leave that possibility open.

  137. Jay

    I broke up with my ex 5 months ago. We were best friends and living together- dated for a little over a year. I really love her and she has told me how I absolutely devestated her when I broke up with her.
    I really haven’t formally apologized to her for how I treated her when I broke up with her, and most of the time I feel like I have been apologizing in reaction to her anger in texts. I have apologized a lot though, but not in a begging way.

    I was thinking of sending her an email, and just apologizing for how I acted during the breakup. I ignored her a lot, made her feel meaningless, and was on other dating sites, but never started dating anyone. She has told me how meaningless I made her feel, having her move out, not wanting to talk about things, and spending more time with my friends.

    Since she immediately started dating someone new after we stopped seeing each other, I really feel horrible. She always tells me how VERY happy she is now with him and rubs it in my face.
    I can really put myself in her shoes. She probably thought because I was going out with friends, that I was trying to find others, and it must of made her feel like she wasn’t that important to me.
    I have been in NC for 12 days…was thinking of sending something like this,but may add some more to it what does everyone think, or should I wait until after I re-establish contact ?

  138. Selina Chen

    Hi,

    I am from China, my ex (he is american, and I am Chinese girl) and I broke up the relationship two months ago, but I really could not get over him, I often think of him even dreamed about him over night. Obviously I still like him, and it is so hard for me to like other guys yet. We both did not delete each other on wechat(In china, our social communication tools is wecaht, not facebook). I did not know if I should delete him from wechat, but I felt removing him from wechat contact will be so hard to do it for me. I can feel the hurt now by just imaging it. In addition, I often draft an email to him, but never have sent it out. Can you please give me suggestion?

    Thank you.
    Selina

  139. Thea

    Remove him from WeChat for now. Not forever. It’s only been 2 months of course you’re not over it yet or ready to like anyone else. You need a time out…Seeing him online can obstruct your healing process. I’ve been there. It sucks. You’re good with writing the emails – and not sending them. Keep on doing that. Or post them on this thread here maybe? You just need to give yourself time to heal and process…You can’t rush through it.

    Write, cry, hangout with friends, draw, travel, read…keep busy. Hugs to you Selina. You’ll get through this will just take some time!! x

  140. Amsterdam

    I’m so depress right now,devastated,heartbroken. My ex broke up with me last week because he reconciled with his ex-wife. We have an on/off relationship due to some instances like he told me they were divorced.I believe him coz his ex-wife no longer uses his surname on fb but what i was wondering is that they were always together as a family on holidays and trips. I knew because I’ve seen pics from the wife’s fb. I mentioned it to him but only said that they were just doing it for the sake of their kids (2boys aged 18&17) By the way we have a LDR and we were supposed to reached our 5th yr this june18.. We would always quarrel bec. Of trust issues to the point of uttering harsh words to each other.In fairness with him he was so kind. I felt that i was the center of his life apart from his sons. He would always call me everyday when waking up in the morning,going to work and upon reaching his workplace and even on lunchbreaks and tea breaks..We would talk long hours during his off and even skyped. He was so patient with me and even with my changing moods. God knows I really love him so much and I’m willing to take good care of him and wanted to be with him fot the rest of my life..But lately he said that he decided to reconcile with his ex wife because of theyre sons. Painful part is that he just said it thru viber. I tried calling/messaging him but always seenzoned. Later on,he blocked me on viber&messenger.This is the most severe pain I’ve ever felt. I miss him so much but too impossible to get us back together because he already made a decision.. To choose his family. I’m so broken into pieces, don’t know when to recover. Couldn’t get to sleep. I’m always crying and not eating. God knows i love him and misses him terribly. I’m planning to write him a letter and tell him what i feel. Should i do that? Do you think he still thinks of me despite everything? Thank you so much and hoping for a reply soon.God bless.

  141. angel

    Hi guys,
    I have to ask y’all something. Is it ok to write a gratitude letter to your ex when you are already married and have 2 year old daughter?

  142. Thea

    Gratitude letters should generally be ok. Was this someone you had an affair with? Or wanted to? I am not sure I understand the circumstances. But thanking people for being in your life for however long or short – should generally be a good thing.

    Sounds bittersweet…

  143. Seeking new affairs

    Hi Thea,

    My name is Gabrielle and I have just recently been rejected. His friends laugh and call this priceless but for me it was not a pleasant situation. He wants me to send him a thank you letter because through all of this rejection, his goal was that I would not be afraid of rejection in the future and will find myself in a happy and loving relationship. In this case, it went very opposite and I felt really unnecessarily abused.

    I wish to have no contact and regain my life. I am exhausted and tired of feeling horrible about myself because I didn’t gain his approval. He no longer has mine too!

    My question is how do I express this in a healthy way. Do I write this all down and leave it alone and continue to move on and surround myself around people who value me as oppose to someone else.

  144. Dirk Disco

    This forum is interesting. I received a letter (snail mail) from an ex-gf a couple of weeks after she broke up with me via a cruel and hurtful text. I never opened it, I stamped it “Return to Sender” and went about my day.

  145. Aese

    Hi,

    Its been 3 years since we broke up. I have been through an emotional rollercoaster and its been almost impossible to forget him. Soon after my ex broke up with me, I pleaded and tried many different things so he would come back but to no avail. For some time after our breakup we ran into each other at social gatherings and it seemed like he still wanted to come back. But he moves very very very slowly. His slowness was infuriating to me since I love him.

    My ex used to send me courteous messages in response to my birthday wishes etc., but recently I had a catharsis and sent him many angry messages. Since then I have apologized and I have already sent my ex multiple emails and text msgs etc. stating that i accept the breakup and apologizing to him for hurting him etc.

    I was not very good about the breakup. I did not handle it gracefully at all. Talking to common friends is not helping because I feel that they are not interested in helping out and also they have been judgmental about me in the past. So I don’t want to broach the subject with them. My ex’s silence is killing me. I have again apologized since but now he’s stopped sending me even those courteous responses. Instead I get stony silence from him.

    I want him back and I want to inspire him to come back to me.

    Which of these options should I do?
    1. Tell him the same thing in a hand-written note again
    2. Send him a hand-written note but change the content according to current context and be honest that I still have feelings for him
    3. Not send him the note at all and text him casually instead
    4. Do absolutely nothing and simply wait for him to get back to me – this is so hard for me to do.

    Please advise. I badly need some help.

    A

  146. Jenny

    Hi Thea and everyone, going through all your comments has being helpful thank you guys . My ex broke up with me two months, we’ve been together for seven years and things were good, he got me a job, we moved in together and we planned on getting married not until recently he had doubts about us settling down because he felt he was not ready financially so he moved out left me alone, at that point I felt this was the end bcos our communication level was very poor when I tried talking to him he wasn’t ready to talk. Along the line I made one or two and my ex assumed we were dating so as a result of that he broke up with me and said we could still be good friend . I was devastated bcos I felt my life has ended I was all alone no one to talk to so I confided in someone I thought was a friend and he took advantage of it and abused me sexually, this was when my world crumbled. I told my ex about it he was shattered, I told him if we could work things out but he said no, he said “he still loves me and that no woman can ever take my place but he can’t go back to a lady he has a bad memory of” . It’s been hard for me I cry alot,my appetite for food has diminished and it has affected my performance at work,and I’m a bit suicidal I’ve tried to get him back but to no avail I love him so much but I feel I’ve lost him, i’m down emotionally and mentally I dnt know what to do Thea please help me

  147. Francisca

    Hi, I was with my ex for 6 years and he left me for another woman. This was about 5 years ago and they are still together. Problem is I still love him the same and haven’t been able to have any other relationships. I think about him daily. He hurt me a great deal in the break up as he cheated for 6 months before we broke up, and then I didn’t find out she existed until 2 years after that when she wrote to me. He said he couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me, basically he lied excessively to me. We have had on and off contact over those 5 years, also seeing each other as friends a couple of times – each time is incredibly painful for me. The last time he said he didn’t know why he had left me and that he missed me a lot. Right after that I stopped all contact because it was too painful, but stupidly just reached out again a few days ago saying I couldn’t imagine a life without some kind of contact with him. He wrote back saying he’d like to be in touch again, giving some of his updates, but his email felt distant and he didn’t ask me anything, so it felt like the conversation was over. I think he is married now so maybe it’s different. I hurt so much because I feel stuck – I can’t not reply because the open-endedness of it is too upsetting, but I also can’t reply because I can’t think of any words to express how I feel and I have written everything before to him. It feels fake to tell him for the 10th time that I didn’t mean to write and I actually don’t want any contact. The truth is I never properly expressed my anger to him for what he did, I have been too kind, but it feels way too late for that now. Do I just forgive/forget and try to be friends, writing to him every so often now which he seems up for? Assuming that each time it will be less painful? (I cried for a day after getting his last email). It feels like a terrible cycle I can never break out of.

  148. Thea

    >> Problem is I still love him the same

    Really? I don’t think so.

    He sounds more of a habit. But the fact is he’s gone now for whatever reason – married or not – and it’s probably time to just work on releasing the anger, letting him go and moving on. I understand still loving an ex. If it’s real love you probably always will but it shouldn’t hurt. What you are describing is more “attachment” than love.

    Write down the anger. Vent it here on Have Something to Say to Your EX and let this sleeping dog lie. What you’ve been doing – for the last few years is actually a choice. You’ve chosen to think of him every day and stay hung up. Consciously or unconsciously it’s a choice to stay stuck and not move on.

    Yes it was crap he cheated on you and move on with her (been there, seen that, done that and launched the website to prove it) but it’s a lifetime ago now. I’ll always love my ex too, that one, but from the day he walked away to be with someone else that was it, I never wanted him back. he was with my replacement for many many years (had a family) and eventually it didn’t work out…it’s funny how things to work out with time and distance.

    That forgiving is something you need to do for you so you can move on from him and bring in a guy who loves and values you. if this guy is with her and still trying to meet up with you than it’s no better than what he did to you with her.

    Love him, release him and wish him well and focus on you now. Get a rubber band on your wrist and any time he comes into your head and you start to consciously think of him pull back that band and smack on your wrist as hard as you can. Break the habit of thinking about him.

    Look after yourself now, ok honey? It’s time to move on and start living and stop that pining for that “Story” you’ve been telling yourself for six years. Ditch the story. Go find some Byron Katie on Youtube and watch anyones that catch your eye. x

  149. Valencia

    Hi, I’ve been scrolling through these for a while now hoping to find some answers but I am still stuck. I want to write a letter to my Ex, we broke up almost a year ago, November will make it one year. When he broke up with me I was going through a very difficult time, a lot of family issues and mental health issues and as a result I ran away from home and lived with his mother and him for two weeks (before he broke up with me and I was forced to go back). Due to the very traumatizing event of it all (my family issues, being a full time college student and working a full time retail job) I was very stressed and overwhelmed. I was full of a lot of negative feelings and kept blaming myself because he told me he didn’t love me anymore because I was too sad for him and I will never get better. I did not have any control of the things that had happened to me, and I wish he could have been a little more patient and understanding with me. All year I have been very angry and sad about it, and people who have seen him have told me he has changed a lot. We dated for a year and 5 months and despite how much pain he caused me I still miss him a lot. I dated someone new during the summer but I broke up with him because I could not love him. Now I transferred to a new school and as a result am living in a different state, meeting new people, and much happier than I was at my toxic home. Although i felt anger for him for a very long time-even wishing death on him (i know it sounds terrible), I am in a better position than I was and now I forgive him. The problem is I am scared to write this letter and get no response, he has blocked me from every form of contact text/phone, email, etc. and he has always been a very stubborn and prideful man. I just want to tell him that I hope he is doing well, and that I am also doing well. I want to thank him for our time together and most importantly I want to apologize for all the terrible things I made him feel when I was hurting, for all the bad and mean things I said to him. I don’t know how to approach this, I don’t want to risk opening this wound again and i know I shouldn’t expect to hear back but I really miss him as a friend. I have been thinking about this for like a month now, I don’t know what to do, Im sure he doesn’t care or think about me anymore.

  150. Vanessa

    Dear M,

    I want you to know that I love you and I always will. I cherish the good times we had and the bad times. Over the last 5 years, you taught me a lot. You taught me to open up about my feelings and not shut down and push people away. You made me realize I am not alone and that all I had to do was ask for help. You taught me that I shouldn’t be shy because I have a lot to offer. You taught me that I can do anything I put my mind too, even write an email.

    I am sorry that I was angry for so long. I realize now that I was unhappy. This job really tore me down in ways I can never explain. I wanted to have the courage to change my situation at work and lacked it. I was disappointed in myself for not standing up and being brave and thinking that everything was my fault. So I retreated further and further away from us and into me.

    I am sorry for all the mean things that I said and for preventing you from being with Keila. I was just so hurt. I am sorry for making you feel that you were the only one who had to work on himself, when in truth we both had issues and I refused to see that I had any.

    I will never forget Boston, because you let me be me and even though you were wet, cold and freezing, you let me live in the moment a la freedom trail. I got to see so many historical sites/museums in one day with my partner in crime. It was perfect. I will also cherish Hawaii, because I went scuba diving! I can’t believe it. My biggest fear, and you believed that I could do it. Thank you for that.

    Looking back, I will never forget the night you cried in my arms because it made me feel like I was important and that I could make a difference. I will never forget when you pulled me out of the closet and said how am I supposed to know what you are feeling if you won’t tell me. Or when you switched places with me at work so I wouldn’t be bullied, or when you told me that you wanted me no matter what, even though I wasn’t ready.

    I know I am not perfect, our relationship wasn’t perfect and I know we were in a really bad place. Not being respectful to each other and not being honest. Thank you for giving me my space. I needed to grieve our relationship, feel my feelings (as they say), realize that I had changed and that I didn’t want to be in the same cycle we were stuck in, it needed to be broken. I realized that I don’t want that for me or for you. It was destructive and not positive.

    I wish you the best, and I hope you are happy, YOU are happy!

  151. Cece

    Hi, I just discovered this forum and this thread and I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice.
    I recently went to a concert. The band was my and my ex boyfriend’s favorite band, we met and connected through their music. This was their last concert ever, and I couldn’t help myself from looking for him in the audience- wondering if he would show up, and how that would make me feel. We haven’t seen each other at all since our break up. We broke up 4 years ago. He was my first boyfriend, I was 16 when we broke up. The relationship ended terribly, and I told him I never ever wanted contact from him ever again. This pains me now, because we where best friends. I too as many else (as I’ve seen in this thread) wants some type of “closure”, whatever that is. I want to apologize, and I want us to…maybe not be friends, but at least not be passive and act like the other person doesn’t exist.

    I’ve been pondering on if I should write him a message or not. Just a short one, stating that I attended the concert and began thinking about him, and was wondering if he’d like to catch up over a cup of coffee some time (or something in that style). Is it a bad idea? I don’t want to get back together, I just want us to be neutral to one and other, and I want to finally let all these bad feelings that I’ve felt towards him go. What do you think?
    Please excuse my english, it’s not my first language.

  152. John

    The story of my relationship is a very long one. So I’ll start with the end. We broke up but definitely still loved each other. She’s in her final year of college and I’m in my upper 20s. She said she wanted time for herself but kept reassuring me that she loved me, that she “of course” wanted to end up with me, and told me to have faith. We talked off and on all fall. But began a strict no contact around Christmas. On Valentine’s Day, I sent her a non-romantic card to simply make her chuckle. She responded with a short email saying she’s seeing someone else, no longer wants a relationship with me, and hopes I’ll move in “too”. How can she say she loves me two months ago and tell me to have faith in the break and then send me that two months later? Was the lying then or lying now? I want to send her a letter but am I just a fool to think that it will do me any good?

  153. MonCam

    I want to send this to my ex, might do so after 48 hours 😉

    This is written about the time we shared, when we were connected. I have learned acceptance now that our time has passed, like so much sand blown away by the wind – not gone but shifted, to form new dunes along distant shores. Some of it though I still hold in my hand and close to my heart. Though I did hold on so tightly for fear of never feeling the way I did then again, I have learned the practice of ‘letting go’. I am grateful for the freedom you have given me to return to myself.
    A lot of my words were to draw you in, to bring us closer together. These here are to set me free. I am not sure what it is about us that has inspired me to have all of these words… letter writing has never really been me ?. A lot of them recently were sent impulsively and while I won’t apologise for them I am sorry to have sent them without first breathing in.
    To begin, thank you for loving me for me, for letting me be me. Through allowing me to be vulnerable with you, so I was able to open up the hidden recesses of my soul. In so doing you mirrored what I needed to see, to feel, to experience and to understand. All of this at a level of consciousness I never knew existed. I am grateful, and realise more so each day, for all of it, every moment spent in conversation, every minute of touch and love, every communication at soul level.
    I believe and trust that you learned from me too, that I showed you a side of yourself that perhaps you chose not to see. The very good man that you are: strong in character; good of heart; generous of spirit and in love. Stubborn on occasion, but so much fun too. You said once that maybe I loved you more than you loved yourself – I hope only to have been a mirror back to you of who you are.
    I am grateful that I no longer require your validation because I see me, I know me so much better now than I ever have, and I continue to uncover and discover. What my strengths and capabilities are, where I need to lean into myself to improve, love, forgive.
    You asked me an age ago what I would change about myself and I said to learn more patience. I’ve since come to see that what I really needed to change was my need to control circumstances and outcomes, because the impatience I feel is driven by wanting a desired outcome and ‘the sooner the better’. I am still learning to let things unfold and progress at the pace that they’re meant to do so rather than according to my desired time frames. Still work to do but big lesson ?. And with this comes the understanding that time is not linear. Past, present and future all intertwined into now.
    I used to wish to go back, now I only live in the present, with gratitude, and face forward to the future.

  154. Brian

    Hi Thea,

    Like many who have posted, I stumbled upon your site searching for guidance/advice regarding the end of a mostly wonderful 6 1/2 year relationship. For perspective, 12 years ago, I lost my wife of 14 years to breast cancer who I considered the love of my life. After floundering for 5 years, I met and fell in love with the “true love” of my life. In every sense it worked. The breakup was mostly my responsibility, failing to follow through on steps I promised. After 2 years of patiently waiting for change to come, my ex came to her realization that love was not enough.

    The purpose of wanting to write a letter is primarily to express gratitude and seek closure for myself. My ex is involved with a new person and it has been 6+ months since our official break. In the interim, we or I have existed in the quasi realm of a holding pattern. Not sure of how we defined ourselves. Friends, but more than friends? However, things changed in the last month and her tenor towards me came across as hollow. I know now there is another in the picture. I want to write the letter as I mentioned to express gratitude for the time, happiness and memories we shared. I know I have impacted her life greatly as she has mine.

    Like many on here, I still am in love with her, but I want to preserve my dignity, accept what is happening & work on myself moving forward. As for expectations, I am trying not to impose any. I want to convey my gratitude without acrimony. Yes, I am sad at the outcome, but I am also fortunate to have had 2 great love affairs in my life. I know I have a tremendous amount of love to give and in time, hope to be able to accept and receive it again.

    Thank for establishing this forum and allowing me to express my sentiments in a healthy, productive process.

    Brian

  155. Jason

    Yesterday i wrote a letter saying good bye to my ex , we were together 9 years , I told her why i loved her , i told her also would more than likely love her always , i included a small gift that i would have like to give her for her birthday in the package as i could not afford it at the time, It has been 8 months since our relationships demise , No she has not responded and i dont think she ever will, and yes it still stings even though i knew that she would not respond.I hope she keeps the present though. Dont think she will. Guess i will never know.

  156. Petra

    Is there a way to get in contact with people who wrote here lots of time ago? Leslie’s story is very similar to mine, and I’d like to hear what happened next. On the other hand, maybe she went over it and would’t like to be disturbed by the reminder.
    Leslie, please write if you’re reading this.

  157. Stuart

    Hi, I’m so glad I found this blog. I need a bit of advice on this matter as I’ve made a complete mess of things. I am in the process of writing a letter to my ex of 3 years as I myself have been blocked from everything and asked to leave my ex alone as she had enough and felt I just made things so much worse. I done the classic mistake of perstering her and constantly trying to get her back but to be fair it always ended up in us disagreeing or saying nasty things to one another. It’s now been a week since last contact.

    But truth is we broke up 2 months ago. My ex partner decided on a termination 6 months ago because we couldn’t financially keep the child and so much going in in our lives and in doing so the pregnancy etc made her depressed and me also. She started to push me away and I started to do the same. I felt hurt by her doing this and said some things I shouldn’t have through anger and frustration which she said stripped her of her feelings for me. I don’t blame her but when we split 2 months ago we kept in touch and started dating again. Within 4 weeks I moved back in and it lasted 2 days. Over nothing whatsoever. One little thing caused the situation to explode. I moved out again and did the same with pestering. She is a loving person but the things that have been said I feel I have messed things up but having time away I’ve came to terms after saying nasty things and accusing her of not loving me and it being lies that I was the one completely in the wrong. Truth is she came from 2 previous relationships of serious abuse and the fact that she had such high regards for myself and loved me so much the fact I had said things of such to her made what I done magnified. She has a lot of anger for me for the way I have treat her and what I’ve said and added a lot of things to what happened as if I was a nightmare the whole relationship where as I done nothing but support her completely and her children. I do understand what I said was wrong and hurtful.

    In the letter I have explained that I do see it and wished i had listened before it was too late basically thankyou for everything she gave me and the love she had for me in our life together. I myself have to live with it all but i do not regret one minute i evwr spent with her.

    We at one point were so good together. And so much in love. I’m just not sure if the letter will make any difference because I would start a fresh with her tomorrow because I feel that time away from her has bettered me. Her last message to me was Stuart move on “don’t wait about for me” it will never happen again to much has been said and she didn’t love me anymore. I do still have hope because I do know her. Am I doing the right thing letting her know i understand why she done it and how much I regret breaking her heart and taking her feelings away? I would rather her be in my life as a friend over nothing at all. Yes a relationship again from scratch would be great. But baby steps and not rushed like I tried for her to do. I am to blame for it all.

    Any reply would be appreciated
    Kind regards
    Stu

  158. Penelope

    I’m so happy I have found this website and have been able to read other people’s experiences of when they sent letters to their ex’s and the results of them.

    For me, I am battling at the moment whether I should write a letter to my ex. It sounds so cringey, but when I first met him it was love at first sight, i had never believed I that saying until I met him. To tell you a quick background I was 17 at Reading festival when I woke up from my tent hearing a boy shout my name, when I looked out my tent I saw him… and he had found my debit card in a random Bush (that I had been to the toilet in ) that had fallen out my back pocket, amazingly he was camped in another camp which had other mutual friends of mine camping there which came from where I lived, however I had never seen him before as he had spent most of his time at boarding school.
    Anyway It seemed like such massive fate that he had found it and that he would end up being my first love. We were both each others first love and were more than just in a relationship but best friends. Unfortunately after we met he went travelling for 5 months which was already planned before we met, so maturely we broke up. I never looked at another person when he was away as I was so in love with him. We kept in touch every so often until he came home and we ended up getting back together… sadly he then went off to uni and we ended things. When he went to uni we still used to talk and tell each other we loved each other, until I started dating other people.
    Unfortunately for me I was very lonely, all of my friends had gone to uni and so had he and I felt the only way I could move on was by meeting other people.
    We would still message and try and act cool to one another acting like we were happy with our lives, even though we both knew that we missed each other.
    When I first started working after he had gone to uni (I was only 18) I met someone else at work who I decided to date. He was quite intense to start with and was not happy with me contacting and staying friends with my ex boyfriend so I had to tell my ex that unfortunately I could no longer speak to him anymore and that even though we promised we would still be friends even if we had moved on, I couldn’t do it. ( However in my head I was still heartbroken and still wanted to keep in contact with him). My ex was devastated and angry at me for saying it and we eventually stopped speaking but it was still in fairly good terms.
    Anyway a few months down the line I was at Glastonbury with my girl friends and really late one evening I bumped into him out of the blue, except he was with another girl… it was so weird, fate again… more than 100,000 people go to Glastonbury so it was a massive shock, I did t really know how to react but he dropped the girls’ hand he was with and ran over to me to give me and hug and asked for my phone number so we could meet up the next day. I gave it to him but my phone died and so did his so we never met up in the end, also I had just started my new relationship and felt guilty if I had met up with my ex behind my new boyfriends back.
    When I came back from Glastonbury he messaged me saying he was so sorry he didn’t message me but his phone died… due to my new boyfriend and my mind making me feel paranoid/ selfconscious I replied to him days later really bluntly and that was our last ever conversation via social media.
    The next time I saw him was last year at Glastonbury ( as he was camping with other friends of mine and we went to visit their camp) and we had a big long chat and he was very tactile with me, however I was so nervous to see him I was quite drunk and regret that. But it was so nice to see him again and catch up and it was evident he was happy to see me, especially seeing my friend’s reactions.
    Since then we have not spoken, I have been with my current boyfriend the one I have been with since all of this for nearly 3 years next February and I am very happy with him now, however I still have this lingering feeling about my ex that doesn’t leave my brain.
    I found out last weekend my ex has got a girlfriend and I don’t know whether that has triggered me to be so reflective, but it’s made me sad at the way I handled our beak up.
    I was very insensitive to his feelings and tried to play my feelings down to him. I feel I may have moved on too quickly I now I am paying the consequences, when he has given himself time to heal and now move onto another relationship with a fresh mind.
    I have written a letter tonight which basically explains that I know it’s been a long time since we have spoken, but I just want to close the chapter of us completely so that I can remove these feelings and carry on with my life. I have said sorry for cutting him out of my life even when we promised we wouldn’t do that too each other and I apologised for replying so bluntly to him after we bumped into each other at Glastonbury the year before last last. I have also said that after all he is my first love and I will never forget the first time we met. I have also thanked him for teaching me how to love. I ended it by saying I hope in we cross paths again in the future so we hopefully can be friends again as in the past we were ‘besties’. And also explained I don’t expect him to reply to me or to keep the letter.
    I agree that the 48hr rule is a good idea, however I would love an onlookers approach onto this situation.
    Obviously I don’t want my boyfriend finding out and I don’t want my ex to think I am unhappy or that I am trying to get in between him and his girlfriend but I just feel it will heal any bad blood between us and it will help give me closure so that I can fully and happily give my all to my current boyfriend. I also understand that this is probably harder as my ex was my first love/relationship!

    I look forward to hearing your response and realllly apologise for the long message!!! X

  159. Broken and healing

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me. I have started therapy and have learned a lot about attachment theory and myself. I feel like I need to write my ex a letter to tell him a few things, not out of anger or an attempt to get him back. I want to thank him for giving me positive experiences and the opportunity to learn more about myself. He kept telling me that I have become his best friend, and out of anger/shock/sadness from feeling rejected, I was not very kind with the end of our relationship. I pride myself on being very calm and able to keep my cool under stressful situations. When I say that I was not very kind with the end of our relationship, I do not mean to say I threw a tantrum or lost control of myself. He reached out to me to try and talk for a couple of minutes, I tried to talk but it was too hard. I hung up on him and he was crying (which was the very first time I ever heard him cry, even after he had experienced the death of a family member in the past) I also said twice that relationships take work, and did not accept his decision right away (when he said no, I accepted it)

    I understand now that when someone breaks up with you, you must accept their decision because at that point, they have already moved on and both parties are beyond the point of attempting to reconcile the relationship and salvage it.

    My family is abusive towards me and very controlling, therapy has taught me that I have a lot to work on to become a healthy person in my future relationships. I feel that I had no right to be in a romantic relationship because of my abusive families affect on me. I definitely need to heal and grow. I am not taking all the blame of the end of our relationship, but I really do not want to tell him about his failures in our relationships (I do not want to be negative and I also believe this is not the time or place to tell someone about how I think they need to grow as a person, that is not my responsibility and I am not in his head, that is something he needs to do on his own terms and time)

    I simply want to own myself and apologize, and to wish him happiness and success in his future. Does this seem like a good reason to write a letter?

    Sorry for the long story time^^

  160. Rob Williams

    MAN! My story with letters….
    My GF broke my trust, with the landlord! Took me by surprise. ended our blended family of 7 months (1.5 year relationship). I left crying at midnight with my 6yo son in my arms and headed to my ex-wife’s house, who took me in (which tells you I have a good relationship with my ex’s).
    I was homeless for 7 LONG weeks.

    Letters, emails, texts, poetry, artwork, everything…I sent them. Sharing my feelings, offering forgiveness and words of encouragement to HER, stating I want to rebuild the family.

    And she would respond. sometimes asking for advice about her son, sometimes to say thank you, sometimes to set up a playdate with our kids, sometimes just to see how I was doing, even asking for financial help.

    Back and forth it went for 7 WEEKS. Until finally it was the day I had to eventually move all my stuff out of her house.

    The day went upside down, not only was she cold and emotionless, she even hopped into the car with the landlord and drove away.

    She was STILL SEEING HIM!

    Despite the words of encouragement, the requests for funds, the playdate attempts, the heartfelt and vulnerable emotion I poured out to her…she was still seeing this slightly unstable landlord.

    THE POINT? Letters can be cathartic, but a face to face meeting will solve any problems, questions or concerns you may have. And if you cant get that…then you need to accept things…IT IS FRIGGING HARD…but you need to. You CAN do this (I think I am trying to convince myself with that statement)
    I am still coming to terms with what happened and I am at this very moment trying to decide weather to send one last email…but it will never be one last one…it is my problem to deal with. She is not going to suddenly, change her mind, offer me the answers I am looking for, come on her hands and knees and beg for forgiveness (and strangely that has happened to me before…it is a horrible feeling!)

    The one question you have to ask is “Why are you writing this letter?” Listen to yourself closely. You know the answer. It is for selfish reasons. You wanting to reconnect, bitch, clear your conscious, closure, make them feel guilty, share your final thoughts….they are YOUR reasons, not his/hers… and nothing gets accomplished for selfish reasons. You eventually just sit there waiting for a response, waiting for that hit of adrenaline that occurs when he/she answers… Its addicting. You need to step away. IT IS SO HARD!

    The only contact I do is the rare text saying finalizing the move.

    Letters can be romantic, but do it while you are IN the relationship…

  161. Rahkeem Presbery

    My EX and I had recently broke up in May and I did my fair share of crying and begging to get back together with her. After realizing that they she is keeping her decision to stay broken up. Now 2 months going on 3 months later, we never actually split from each other but we are not together either. She keeps wanting to see me but doesn’t want to talk about the relationship but would remind me that she still loves me?? She still somewhat do things that we did in our relationship confusing me and every time I call her out on it. She just says ” I’m sorry but I really do want this break up and date other people , but your my safe haven and you know everything about me” but yet she’s not dating other people. So I’m so confused to what is going on and I’m starting to think she is playing with my emotions. I love her so much and the only reason she broke up with me is because I have not been attentive to her emotional needs. What do I do? I still see her everyday

  162. Adrian

    Hi it’s been 5 weeks since my wife left me after 23 years I was that needy guy who begged and pleaded her to stay with me twice I’ve done that but since then I have tried to not contact her which is very hard since we have kids and in the middle of a renovation on a house I have written her letter because I’ve been getting help from a chaplin through work and I feel I have hurt her in so many ways during our marriage and I’ve identified these thingsin this letter.
    Nowhere in the letter does it say how I feel it’s just shows empathy for what she must be going through and all the things I feel that I have done wrong and that I’m getting help now through this chaplain I’m just wondering should I send this letter

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