Thea’s 10 Tips to Get Over It (A Breakup That Is)

Thea's 10 Tips to Get Over It (A Breakup That Is)10 Tips to Get Over a Breakup…

Splitting up is hard to do – but a breakup’s something we all seem to go through at one time or another in our lives. (Well, most of us do anyway…) Heartbreak seems to affect us similarly – whether we are young or old, famous or not, rich or poor, and irrespective of where we are geographically. 

Below are a few of my suggestions that will hopefully help you decrease your recovery time, and maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way…Here’s hoping, at any rate!

Tip 1: Make a Clean Break

1) Don’t try to be their friend – make a “clean break”

As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and he or she doesn’t reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you’re better off making a clean break. I call it E.R. (“Emotional Rehab”) – which is basically just my way of saying that it might be “time to go cold turkey” – at least for a little while!

Most people choose to ignore my advice, and remain their ex’s friend – somehow imagining if they do continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their EX will miraculously see the err of their ways – and take them back. That so seldom happens.

Now some of you will insist on remaining “friends” with your ex (or have to due to classes, jobs or children together), so if you are attempting this, be sure to set some ground rules.

For example, avoid discussing your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know to be a potentially volatile subject. Resist every urge inside of you to ask those personal questions – most of the time the answers hurt! Keep conversations relevant to work, children or classes and away from any emotional topics. It is not easy, but it is achievable.

Eventually many non-believers come back to SYBD and say they finally had to take my advice and “cut contact”, because it really is too hard trying to be someone’s “buddy” – when you want more.

This is especially true when your EX starts seeing someone new and starts asking you for advice (yes really!) or tries to share the gory details. No thanks. You’re better off saying – “I care for you, and maybe in time, when I am over the pain, we can resume a friendship, but for now I need time to heal and process this.”

While it is rare, in some instances, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and they do realize what they have been missing and reconciliation is on the cards. In others, the time apart actually serves to make you see the relationship for how it really was, and as shocking as this may be to you right now, in time you just may realize you don’t want to be their friend after all!

Finally, after you are over your EX and no longer harbor secret desires to get back together then you can really become “just friends” if you still want to that is.
Thea's 10 Tips - Tip 2 Erase them from your phone

2) Do erase their telephone number from your phone (even if you have it memorized!)

As text/instant messaging is such a HUGE thing, you’d be wise to delete their name and number from your mobile phone (and address book) straight away.

You may also be able to bar their number from your phone too. Deleting your ex’s details will save you phoning or texting at 4am to ask “Why? Why? Why?” you were dumped, or save you from begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back.

That method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation. It often has the adverse effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone’s incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone that just doesn’t seem to get the hint…It’s o-v-e-r.

Again in time you can re-add them back to your phone but in the early days, weeks or even months, keeping them out of the phone can be a wise move, in order to resist that all-consuming desire for contact!

3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online “buddy” lists


Folder on DropBox - Photos, Emails, Junk from the ExSimilarly, if you can bring yourself to DELETE all of the old emails between you, then do it. If that seems to drastic, at least put them onto a disc or burn them CD, (stick them in the Cloud, e.g. on dropbox) and put them somewhere where you won’t be tempted to continually re-read each one over and over. You just end up torturing yourself. I know I’ve done it!


As in number two, remove and block them from your buddy lists. I know you think it’s a minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via email or instant messaging programs, but the only one you’re fooling is yourself. I’m guilty of that one too! Often you just end up spying on them, checking to see when they are on (and wondering who they are talking to if it’s not you!). If they do actually message you, you end up over-analysing each message they send, or worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off “out” that night (and don’t say where). It’s an absolute nightmare, why put yourself through all that?

In a weird sort of way, keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It’s a way of staying in the relationship even when the other person isn’t physically there anymore.

After six months or so have passed, if you decide you want to, then you can add them back to your buddy list and allow them to see you again on theirs. Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle being in touch without all the mental hopscotch!

4) Resist sitting around staring at the mementos

Memory Box - Put the mementos awayPut away the letters, pictures and any personal belongings of your ex. Box them up and put them in a closet or somewhere equally out of sight. I have known some people to have ceremonial burnings, but that may be a bit drastic, and after you’re calmer and have healed, you may even regret it.

For the early days/weeks, I suggest that you just box up all of the stuff until you feel ready to face it. Eventually you’ll be able to look at the holiday snaps without feeling sick to your stomach, but not right now.

Keep all reminders out of sight! In a year’s time, or whatever, if you do still feel like dumping or even torching the stuff, then do it somewhere safe – like the beach!

5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth

Keep a Journal for Turning points
Keep a Journal

You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto a page. This is even good for men. In fact, it’s generally exceptionally-good for men, as a lot of men don’t have an outlet for their emotions and pain.

During the healing process, often we don’t feel like we are improving, and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come if you read it after a few weeks or months.

It is incredibly cathartic and it just may stop you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. I highly recommend writing letters to your EX that you don’t actually send.

I also suggest writing down GOOD stuff that happens to you on a daily basis. Eventually more and more GOOD stuff will start to happen, that’s the way it works in life!

ED NOTE: You can always use a website like to vent anonymously too.

6) Do spoil yourself

This is something that both men and women can, and need, to do. Do something so simple as to having a manicure, facial or a massage. Or, maybe purchase that nifty gadget you’ve had your eye on.

Both men and women can also benefit from picking up some new items of clothing that make us feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. Treat yourself as you would want that someone ‘special’ to treat you.

Have candle lit dinners – with all of your favorite foods – just for you. You’re worth it. Book a massage. (Again this goes men and women!)

Whatever treating yourself means to you – do it periodically to perk yourself up a bit!

7) Do buy new bedding & change your surroundings

Buy New Bedding - So You've Been Dumped Tip

It may sound silly but it’s very powerful step that you can take to cleanse the situation and start fresh.

I have known some people to actually go out and buy whole new beds. If you can afford it, go for it. There is something to be said for sleeping in bedding with no history and no memories.

The same can be said by changing the wallpaper or repainting an area – to make it more of your own. Surround yourself in your home with things that make you feel comfortable and happy.

Pictures of family and friends who really love you and support you are a very good start.

8 ) Avoid rebounding

Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin dating before they are really recovered. It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM! It’s a fantastic theory but it doesn’t always work that way.

Try refrain from immediately trying to find someone to replace your EX and fill that void. Better to work through your pain fully before returning to the dating pool.

While there is something to be said for rebound shags, they can sometimes do more harm than good.

We’ve all heard “you can’t get over a man (or woman) until you get under another”. Don’t bet on it. Dating too soon often leads to comparisons to your EX, makes you feel lonelier than not dating did, and can actually set you back further, emotionally, than before you had started to date again. As much as we think this bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good, at the end of the day, they won’t really be able to fill this VOID in you.

Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again.

9) Don’t listen to the negative self-talk

Once we have been dumped, there is a tendency slip into negative “self talk” and to worry about so many things: if we will ever be loved again, have sex again, trust again or perhaps we worry we are too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything…to ever be happy and fulfilled again. That is highly unlikely, so relax! Dispel thoughts like that immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self worth.

Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn’t mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn’t. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that.

10) Do take charge of your life – the world is your oyster

Live Laugh Love - the World is Your Oyster
Live, Laugh, Love

Use your time to alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life. You can take a course in cooking, pick up a new hobby or learn seroc dancing – whatever you want. Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, retrain for a new career or go for that promotion. The world is your oyster!

Get up off the sofa as soon as you can. While some regrouping time is necessary, at some point you should try to get in yourself back in shape and back in the land of the living.

If you’ve lost a lot of weight (due to that lack of appetite!), then it’s time to put it back on – and vice versa. Start eating right and treating your body with the respect it deserves – it’s not the one who dumped you!

Go running, walking, biking or to the gym to get the endorphins swimming through you. You’ll feel better if you do and you will project that to all you meet.

Set some goals and ask yourself each day – “what one thing can I do today to bring me closer to achieving my goals?” – These can be career goals, or even healing goals. Whatever suits you, just set some and aim for them with all your might!

Finally, one of the most frequently asked questions I get at is “How will I know when I am really over my ex?

First you stop thinking about them every morning before you wake, and as the last thing before you drift off.

You start to go more and more time without them crossing your mind. Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks.

But truly I think one of the best gauges is – if you no longer harbor feelings and desires of getting back together. Not only that, but you can actually think of your EX being intimate, romantic or even having sex with someone else, and it doesn’t feel like your heart’s just been ripped out of your chest and was stomped on.

Then, that’s a pretty good indication you’re indeed “over it”. Well done!

If you want to know if you’re over your breakup then read So You Think You’re Over It for more info on that topic!

Also – feel free to join us on Google+ or Facebook – to share your tips to get over it.

324 thought on “Thea’s 10 Tips to Get Over It (A Breakup That Is)”

  1. Jonathan Reich

    How could I have been so stupid!!! When she told me that she had just been out of a relationship for just three weeks I should’ve ran hard and fast in the opposite direction but like an idiot I didn’t. When she told me that I simply told her I didn’t want to be a rebound. GUESS WHAT. I was. Twice ebing an idiot I got attached to he real fast which is very unusual for me. Well three weeks later we were dead in the water and guess what I was the smo who got hurt. So if you meet someone just coming out of a relationship, my advice would be run Forest run!!!!

  2. Lorraine

    my boyfriend and i got together barely two weeks after he broke up with his ex (of a couple of months)…( i got together with him because he genuinly lost feeling for her and she broke up with him) but it has lasted three years…

  3. canali

    re: ”my boyfriend and i got together barely two weeks after he broke up with his ex (of a couple of months)”

    yeah that doesn’t sound like a rebound cause what the hell are a few months with someone?…imo there’s no real emotional entanglement vs say being 1-3 yrs with someone.

  4. Ab

    Wow, I found the “imagine your ex having sex with someone else” bit useful. I haven’t been with my ex for a long long time but that thought makes me sick.

    When will it end?

  5. zoe

    I want and need to cut contact with him its been to long and i can’t get over him, we work togther we socailise in the same circle and he bought me tickets to a gig for just me and him…..HOW CAN I GET OVER HIM….its so hard HELP

  6. Bella

    Zoe, I feel your pain. I was in love with my co-worker/best friend for three and a half years before he finally decided that he wanted have a romantic relationahip with me. We tried and when he very immaturely bailed on me, it was so devistating – we sat 10 feet from each other and didn’t speak for 6 months!! The silent elevator rides were the worst. Anyway, I belive no one can tell us when our breaking point is – each person knows for him- or herself. And you know when you know. Also, I have no doubt that you care about this person, but if being friends with this person is painful – at all – well, you deserve WAY better!! Nothing is written in stone and things tend to revolve. So just go easy on your SELF and don’t forget the TLC. 😉

  7. Lucy

    Before the relationship was over, I didn’t think it was so important. It felt like a temporary thing and I felt that are feelings for each other were equal. But the moment he left and got back together with his ex, my world fell apart. I felt ugly, boring, stupid, unattractive and … well, hopeless.
    But, things have got better. This morning I woke up and I didn’t cry. Tomorrow, I’m going to try to wake up smiling. Ina week, I’m going to go on holiday. I mean, how lovely to be single in the spring!

  8. dan

    my girlfriend (now ex) split with me for no reason after 5yrs, we have 2 kids. and now i dont know what to do. i want to go aroung there and kick off but it will only make it worse

  9. Rochelle

    Hi I know I’m really young to come to break up websites but I’ve been very hurt nd I’m just looking for a bit of advice, I have no good relationships to look up to nd my past exs have been the worst, abusive, cheating, drug dealer, too clingy you name it. Anyway finally found my perfect type of man that I truly wanted nd things were amazing but then he finished it, 2 weeks later we got back together nd now after nearly 10 months he ended it again, i know I can never go back to him again even if he came back crawling because its inevitable hes going to hurt me again. I just need someone to tell me how long the pain is going to last for, I really thought I’d found someone special nd I fell in love so, just a bit of help/advice please? It’ll be much appreciated.

  10. thea Post author

    Log into the forum to truly be helped hon. You will find ALL of the help and support you need, 24/7. Ok? Take care and hang in there xx

  11. Susannah

    My boyfriend only recently got dumped by my best friend. She said it was really good that we got together but he’s really scary sometimes getting all ‘intense’ when I don’t want to go there. I hate to say it but my best (his EX) was a slag so it’s as if he’s trying to see me as her – What do I do?

  12. Sarah

    Yeah, my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up, semi- mutually. And within 5 days he was sleeping with a hot coworker he has known for years, and not talking to any of our friends. And he takes our dog with him. I care about him still, so I both want him to rot, AND feel bad he is being such an idiot.

    What am I supposed to do with that?!

  13. Sad

    I got dumped last night 🙁 i have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 yrs. we had our life planned out. getting married and everything. he wanted to propose to me a couple of months ago but wanted to save some more money to get the one i deserve. we always discussed wat we wanted and how we were going to get it. im 21 and he is 20.
    he was depressed a week ago. he is the type of guy that loves being around his gf and would prefer to be with her than going out. hates drinking, but that week he got drunk every day and he ended up cheating on me. he came home and he was sad and silent. he hadnt eatin for days and didnt wanna face me.
    he finally started talking & we had the best weekend, one of the best ever. then he just told me. he still loves me but cant look at me for wat he has done. i wanna forgive him because he was not himself. i know thats a bad excuse but there has been more good times than bad. am i crazy or just a forgiving girlfriend.
    i also cant handle break ups… 🙁

  14. lilou

    I have been dumped by my boyfriend 2 days ago. He sent me a text message telling me to stop contacting him. I love him and had never thought he would be the type of man who would dumped me like that given he is 43 (I’m 32) and has never been anything but respectful to people. I can’t sleep, nor eat nor focus at work. I have been there for him for one year (we celebrated our 1st anniversary last week end). It’s the first time I am so in love and so crushed by a break up. I feel I’ll never recover. I am more hurt about the way he broke up with me than with the break up itself actually. And his ignorance is killing me, he hasn(t given me any explanation and I hate this ignorance. It hurts knowing he has probably already moved on…Anyone, please help me…how long does the pain last??

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  16. amy

    my boyfriend broke-up with me 2-3 weeks ago. i am quiet young and have never felt about anyone like this, i fell inlove with him. we shared 4 very happy months together.. and i lost my virginity with him. he wasnt a virgin but respected that i was, i was that serious about him i went on the pill because he didnt want children yet, and neither did i. my friends asked what did i see in him… he wasnt drop dead gorgeous, but i loved him because of who he was; not what he looked like. i loved talking to him about my day and listening to him. his parents were very kind to me and my mum was happy that i was happy and that i found someone as nice as him. he said he loved me and then said he wants to be single for a while but theres a big chance of us getting back together in the near future, but he wants to remain friends and to pop ound to his house anytime hes in. he hasnt contacted me in over a week now… what should i do? should i contact him? please help me x

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  18. Karin

    Not just dumped, but mega dumped – he went back to live with his ex-wife!! Talk about feeling totally unloved, lied too, deceived etc etc.

    Yes it hurts like hell and every thought holds memories of we did that together, we went there, we saw that…Thought about the ‘get over him shag’ then un-thought about it. Decided not a really cool thing to do. So I will work on loving myself, developing my business and moving forward and then day it stops hurting I know he will ring me and say ‘I made a mistake’ and I will say ‘sorry but I’ve moved on’.

  19. thea Post author

    Those sound like wonderful goals – loving one self is a life long challenge but working on it every day myself! And developing your business. Here here!! Right there with you hon! Take care xx

  20. Emmy

    me and my bf were together or 10 months. and none of any of my ex lasted tha long. so i thought this was different. he said he wanted to move in with me. than a day later he changed his mind, and he told his mother i tryed forcing him to move in with me. and that i was trying to turn him agasint her which i wasnt.. so i get an email from his mother telling me not to ever call again and leave him and her alone.. i haent been able to talk to him to say goodbye or that i love him.. i dont know what to do anymore.. i wanna tell him i’m sorry for whatever i might have done to make him stop loving me i just dont know what to do.

  21. Lisa Rey

    Omg! A bit of advice for Rochelle…I feel your pain! I don’t have any past relationships to look back on and say ” I really was happy, in love, treated with real respect, was loved back the same as I loved them”! When I look back at my early 20’s when dating was great and if ever was a serious relationship…..I was blind! but I was young and then at 31 I finally found the man I wanted to spend my life with….marry him…have babies with him…I loved him the first night we went on our first real date! We met at work and while I was returning from lunch we met in the elevator….Auuugh! we both had the look of OMG!!!! he’s mine, she’s mine….he was in town for an interview and got the job! I introduced myself and he said he starts work on the following mon. He flew back home, moved to Austin Tx….and said to his family that he had just met the most beautiful girl in the elevator and that he was going to marry her someday??? He did…we got married, he loved my 9 mo. old little girl as she was his own (I was a single mom by choice) and we went on to have 3 beautiful sons together…I finally was happy…I finally found the man to spend my life with….he was my world, moon and stars…..for 8 yrs. we still had chills when we just touched each other lightly….when we kissed we both still had butterflies and our hearts beat just like it does when you first fall in love……then…..just like that! like a bad, horrible, terrible dream……this past year Feb. 09…he left me and our children for a married BITCH….THAT HE GOT PREGNANT……MY LIFE WAS OVER…..I WANTED TO DIE! I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT MY WORLD…AND HE WAS MY WORLD…BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M FINE NOW…..I HAVE NO REGRETS OF THE LOVE I HAD FOR HIM AND STILL DO! BUT I HAVE THE BEST OF HIM….OUR 4 CHILDREN AND MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE I SHARED WITH HIM…..(HE’S UNHAPPY! SHE DUMPED HIM) MOVE ON K? BE HAPPY!

  22. Poppyred

    I split with my sons father 5 months ago, it wasn’t a good relationship he was quite abusive, I have been doing really well moving forward untill a month ago I had a 1 night stand with a 26 yr old who is 13 years younger than me, this happened because I had an awful week with ex death threats and that tried to hit me in the street in front of our son!! Anyhow the 1 nighter contacted me this weekend and I saw him again and told him everything, and then yesterday he texted saying he didn’t think it was good for us to see each other again as he us moving away, (which is true) an we av nothing in common, I responded by saying I never wanted anything serious as not sure where HD got idea from I did! And said bye. But this rebounding action I did has not made me feel better only worse, I was getting better but I keep meeting men who I allow to knock mh self esteem which is very fragile!!! I’m such an idiot and need to find what I want instead of taking just anything, sorry it’s s long 1! L

  23. Ricky

    My ex GF broke up with me almost a year ago. I agreed to be friends with her. The friends part lasted 8 months until I tried to get back with her.
    What a catastrophic mistake! I started to spiral downward. It got so extreme, I was off work for over 4 weeks, ended up in the mental ward of a hospital, and got on a buffet of antidepressant mediacations. Crazy!!!She nearly killed me!

  24. Michael A Rose

    I thought I was going to marry this girl. We’d been dating for over four years, since she was in undergrad and I was in grad school. She completed me. I took care of her. We had a million pet names for each other. We were best friends.

    After living together for about a year, last year she decided she needed more space and moved into her own little apartment. It was difficult, but we got through it and seemed to be doing well. Things started to change after that.

    She stopped putting much effort into our relationship. When we were together, things were great, but those times were increasingly rare. She said it was stress – finishing up school, looking for work, etc. But she knew I was unhappy.

    Yesterday afternoon, she came to visit me at work and we talked for a bit. She told me she couldn’t make me happy right now, that she was in a selfish period and she couldn’t do this while knowing she was hurting me anymore. She broke it off. When I tried to kiss her, tears welled up and she said she wanted to but no, this was the right thing to do.

    I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve had more angry break-ups, and some even more out of nowhere, but this one hurts so much. I always thought it was the two of us against the world, now I feel so alone. And I know she feels guilty and alone too, and I want so badly to hold her and tell her it’s going to be okay, but I can’t. Not anymore. Not now.

    I am in a fog. I couldn’t go into work today. I’m just a mess. I don’t know if I hope she decides she misses me and wants me back, or if I hope I don’t see her anymore. I don’t know what to think. I’m in shock – blindsided by a changed lover that I didn’t know had changed into something that wasn’t with me anymore.

  25. thea Post author

    Ricky so sorry for you pain on that one…Does sound like it was a challenging one…but really at the end of the day it’s not someone else that nearly KILLED us but the way our brains process the experience. You know? I mean it’s that saying “it not what happens to us in life but how we deal with it.” The fact is you’re here still (presumably). Now the choice is up to you what you do with this experience. You’re not dead. You’ve certainly grown and learned as a result. What do you do? Become lonely bitter, weary of all people? Or do you take this knowledge go forth and find a new and better fit? Life is the ultimate experience. I wish you much healing and that soon you’ll be off the meds and feeling suitably happy and healthy! x

  26. thea Post author

    Hello and welcome. I am so sorry to hear your tale of woe. I am sorry to hear about the fog and loss of your best friend. I know I always find that the hardest part…that adjustment to losing your love, best friend and confidante all in one fell swoop. That adjustment can take some time to bounce back from. But in some cases, I’ve personally managed to become friends again with my exes — once the desire for them has faded (this can take months or even years).

    It doesn’t sound as though she’s a bad person or behaved badly only that her feelings gradually changed. Possibly she has developed feelings for someone else. That would be my hunch from what you’ve said. Better to end something if the feelings are no longer there (as much as it hurts us to be left behind).

    I know it feels your world has ended but it’s not – just that chapter. And as scary and daunting and depressing as that may feel just now – a new beginning is starting now. Either you two will find each other again on down the road or an even better fit will cross your path (too hard to contemplate such a thing now but trust me on that one)…

    You’re gonna make it through.

    Have faith and take it one moment at a time x

  27. kenny

    What an article its been around a month i have had my break up and am reading stuff here on this website since a week and its really helping me move on.

    She broke up with me coz of so many problems against our match from her family side which has been there for more than a year it did cause a lot of bitterness in both of us as well. Deep inside I did wanted her to go cause i knew theres no future and one fine day she’ll get married somewhere else also she kept telling me since a year now that we wont get married, but i loved her alot to break up myself.

    I called her just twice in 20 days after she broke up and she disconnected even that. She did message me in between coz of some work but it was very cold message which didnt even had a Hi, I called her a again a few days back she told me very clearly that she has moved on and wanted me to think from mind not heart. She seemed so moved on and happy in her life after talking to her I also felt better and a new stride to move on did get in me, thanks to articles here.
    But then I just a day after i called her found out that she’s been speaking to someone for 5-6 hours everyday on phone right after the first day we broke up. The number in her call log was new and they had just exchanged some texts when we were together in the end. (I dont know about the incoming calls and messages here.) It seems I have just been replaced like poof, and she is so not sad or depressed like me. I felt very bad but decided not to tell her about this cause its only after she ended stuff with me she started talking to this person and just focus on my moving on.

    But it never goes as you plan does it? The next day she called me on pretext of telling me about some new gadget she bought, she was her old self giggly and loving. We ended up having phone sex she told me she wont call again and that its wrong to be in touch as it would interfere in moving on since then she hasn’t. I feel am back to square one after that. I miss her so much but I do maintain my dignity and dont call her. Was i wrong in going forward with phone sex thing it was me who initiated it in a way. I do want her back but these momentary calls that she gives only make me end up feel worse. What should i be doing Thea?

  28. thea Post author

    Thanks for your comment Kenny. How are you doing now then? It sounds like you’d benefit from keeping contact to the bare minimum or indeed it ends up being a total head-f**k. Right now you need to heal and protect your heart in the process hon. I will let you in on a secret though – she may SEEM like she’s not sad or anything now, and she may not be, but often on down the road there will be times when she’ll miss you – if she isn’t already. Often people have someone else shiny and new to “play with” but eventually that novelty wears off and there will be times she realises that grass is not always greener on the other side. I say she cares about you but if she wanted to be WITH you – she’s probably say as much. So keep your distance and keep healing ok? Thinking of you. Thea

  29. kenny

    Hey thea,
    Am really doing much better now. Yesterday i just found out the number on which she was talking belong to someone very close from her family and not some guy. It doesnt make any difference to me anyway. Yes it did trouble me alot as to who she was speaking with but now am all fine. Improving to an extent she texted me to send some of her cd’s with a hi and hope am fine formality, to which i just replied asking her address.. I dont need to be nice to a person who didnt even think how i will be once she’s gone knowing the fact that I just had only her in my life..
    I tried writing on my phone what i wanted to tell her and never send it to her, It really helps. I also read this and other articles here over and over again which really made me quite strong and positive. Though am sad i came after the community closed. Would have loved to have more ears and be support to some. 🙂
    Lastly you are the best thea, you rock!.. Love you loads…

  30. Lyn Gerald

    Everything is really raw right now. I haven’t found a way to deal with my feelings apart from crying my eyes out every time i hear a song or watch film or wake up or go to sleep or look at my son(who looks so much like his father). But I came across this site and your advice made me laugh which I haven’t done for days because it echoed everything I have done wrong to try and get him back. Still feeling wretched, but this is a great support system – makes you put pills down (only joking) and think about the fact you may have a future, just maybe.

  31. Laura

    Take the moral highground, always take the moral highground. You may not feel like this at first but in the long run, you will feel very proud of yourself and realise you too good a person to go ranting off like a screaming psycho. I remember when my ex decided that he was just going to stop speaking to me point blank, with no explanation whatsoever making me wonder if he was dead or alive. Disgusting really to say he did all the chasing and appeared to be smitten. I sent one text to ask if he was ok as I hadn’t heard from him and was getting a little concerned about him. But nothing. I couldn’t sleep or eat for 2 weeks as I was worried sick that he was hurt or worse. I was informed by my Dad shortly after that he had seen him and spoken to him, and the complete idiot had not mentioned a word to explain his behaviour towards me. It was then that I got really angry, I couldn’t believe a 31 year old man could behave in such an unbelievable childish way. But I decided to delete all his messages and number from my phone and do my best to move on. I wrote on paper everything I wanted to say to him which just ended up being list of expletives lol. I read it out to a few close friends and we laughed which helped a lot. I am glad I never gave him the privilage of a reaction, he wasn’t worth it.

  32. thea Post author

    Lyn I hope you’re starting to feel a bit better and brighter. When you’re in the middle of it -it’s hard to EVER imagine feeling better but we are resilient by nature and you will bounce back. Hang in there x

  33. Jack

    Its a boost to see that I’m not the only one going through this. I was with my ex for around two years. We split up in September last year…stayed faithfull to see what happened as faithfull friends up until christmas 2010 before she told me that it was over for good. She asked me last month (Jan 2011) to leave her alone forever. No more contact…that was it. I was devestated. In our relationship we almost had a baby together, we went away together and we did everything together. We met in college. Were the same age right now, she’s just turned twenty and I’m twenty one in a few months. Anyway…she was my first love. Without a doubt. Everything that there is to experience for the first time…sex, holidays, sleeping in the same bed, arguments lol….the lot. All happend with her. I miss her more than anything but she simply does not want to know. As I said before last month we agreed no contact and said our goodbyes over the phone. For some reason, this month we seem to have found contact with each other again…we occassionally talk, joke around, sometimes its just regular boring stuff and nine times out of ten its over texts. Rarely, its a quick phone call. A few days ago, she needed an energy drink (something that we both kind of got addicted too whilst in a relationship)…like red bulls and drinks like that. She works weird shifts and had no money left from her last wage. I hadn’t seen her since just before Christmas 2010. The longest I have ever gone without seeing her before hand was a few days…this had been a couple of months. I went to meet her on the way to work…bought her a couple of energy drinks and she hugged me and looked very sincerley greateful. She text me as she left on the bus for work to say she felt bad that I had come all that way to help her out and she had to go to work almost straight away. I went home and automatically thought to myself….I can get her back.(Probably deluding myself). The next day, I text her to follow up on the day before…simply asking the question, “do you feel any better today?” – She had complained about tiredness and boredom at work before hand. She was kind of funny with me, before reminding me that we were just friends and that she felt I was beginning to treat her like my girlfriend again. I insisted that I wasnt. But I was confused…(I’ve not been used, I only bought her a drink to be nice)…but maybe she is confused as a result of seeing me again after so long. Im just upset and confused. I think I might have gotten my hopes up for nothing…but maybe the story between us doesnt end yet…who knows. The last thing I want to do is get my hopes up…it will just kill me and put me back at square one if I do that and get let down again.

  34. thea Post author

    Well the problem here is you have such HOPE and more often than not our hopes get dashed. Really it’s too hard to be friends, in contact, buddies etc – I mean what if she suddenly turns around and says “I’ve met someone and I am really happy” – you’ll be GUTTED as a guess. The time to be her friend is when you can genuinely turn around and be happy for her – you know? Your story MAY NOT be over yet – no one knows. But for now – you should try to stick to the No Contact, get stronger, be less available to her and start getting on with your life. If there is anything likely to make her take note it’s that. If she realises she can’t have you so readily it might make her realise how much of a gem she has in you. I am not suggesting you play games. I am suggesting you get on with your life, get busy, keep studying, re-connect with other friends (maybe ones who’ve slipped by the way side). That doesn’t mean you two will NEVER reconnect – only that for now you need to heal for yourself and feel good about yourself. Only then is anything really going to be possible again. Good luck hon x

  35. rizi

    My ex and I broke up last December. We’d been together for 5 years.

    1 week after we broke up, he found a new girl. I was so hurt that it almost made me decide to commit suicide, but good thing I didn’t.

    I deleted his number on my phone and he blocked me on Facebook, but still, I end up making another facebook account to see his profile. I was such an idiot.

    Until now. I started dating but I only find myself comparing my dates to him and it hurts even more. I’m not yet over him. 2 months already, but still I cannot move on because i always see him in our school and he’s texting me.

    I wanna block his number, but I don’t know how. This is my second time to change my number, but still he always finds a way to have my new number.

    It hurts like hell seeing him with that girl happy and satisfied, but what can i do?

    He’s over me,…

  36. thea Post author

    Wait you’re saying you were with a guy for 5 years and this was 2 months ago it ended? There is NO WAY IN HELL this guy is over you. It may SEEM like he is. After all he has a shiny new toy to play with but eventually that novelty will wear off. I guarantee he misses you and in some ways will be comparing to you. No doubt. So don’t make so many assumptions about it all. Also if it’s only been TWO months then stop dating. Stop trying to COMPARE…This is not a race. Work on you, feeling good about you, bond with your friends, exercise, work hard in school, focus on your life and your future not looking over your shoulder to see what he’s up to….Take my word for it he’s not over you and I’ve no doubt he misses you at times too but the break up happened for a reason. So at least for now it’s not your time to be together. Who knows what the future holds? If not this guy then someone better!

  37. Melissa

    I can’t get over my ex-bf and it’s been 5 months! I can’t let go of him because I am overwhelmed with thought of guilt and confusion. We were together for 7 months and it was out of a fairy tale. We were so compatible. The whole time we were together, I knew his mother had a terminal illness, but it was at an early stage. He found out that it was much worse than he thought because she lied to him about the progression of the disease. So he went to go visit her and when he came back, he was a totally different person. This was the beginning of the end. To make a very long story short, I called, texted, emailed, and wrote letters for 2 months. He didn’t respond to any of them. He originally told me to wait for him and things will be better, but NEVER responded to any of my desperate attempts….after 2 months of being ignored, I wrote him a letter stating that I was moving on because I thought he didn’t want to be with me anymore…that was 3 months ago…I recently left him a note on his car at school asking if he wanted to start over because we never had any problems in the relationship and I love was life’s circumstances that tore us apart…well, he told me since I said I was moving on, he doesn’t want to get back together. He said he rearranged his life so there was no space to fit me in. Can you believe that? He NEVER apologized for ignoring me and said he was protecting me by doing that. Am I crazy or is this guy f****** with my head? Every day, thoughts of “what if” run through my head. I can’t sleep or concentrate in school. I only broke up with him because he forced me to! When someone ignores you, they don’t want you. I love him so much, but how can you wait for someone that won’t even talk to you????I know he was really depressed about his mom, but I told him so many times I was there for him and to just talk to me. I feel so guilty like if I didn’t write that letter, we’d still be together. All I ever wanted was him, just him..but now I am the one being punished for what HE has done. I don’t know what to do, but it’s been 5 months and I’m exhausted by this emotional roller coaster. The last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago at school and he said he would think about getting back together after I explained why I wrote the break up letter, but he hasn’t called me and probably never will. I keep blaming myself for this mess. All I wanted was him and after all this pain and misery, I have nothing.

  38. thea Post author

    While I get why you’re upset and exasperated you’re over torturing yourself all by yourself without him at all. It’s just mind made misery. There is no “never” when it comes to break ups. Or seldom. Your paths will cross. But desperate emails, letters, notes, pleas will only make the person want to run away from – not toward – someone. So snap out of it, reconnect with friends, eat right, sleep right, study hard and foster some new friends instead of pining away from an emotionally unavailable man who doesn’t respect you. It’s a waste of a perfectly good young life. For now it’s over. In the future who knows but there’s no point sitting, hoping, wishing, waiting for something to change – you need to be the agent of change in yourself for yourself – regardless of what he’s doing, thinking, feeling. You’re not getting back together (right now) has NOTHING to do with your letter. NOTHING. If he’s saying that’s the reason it’s merely because it’s a convenient excuse for which he can hang his own bad behavior on. Neither of you is at fault and neither is blameless. You’re both merely operating on your own perspectives. My advice would be to avoid him as much as possible, get back to living your life, and enjoying your life in spite of him. He may come back around and he may not but I promise you that if not him, then someone BETTER. Hard as that may be to fathom it’s true. Trust me – almost 11 years of seeing stories just like this…sometimes people reunite, sometimes people find other partners, but 99.9% of the time – the person is BETTER as a result of the split in the long run. You will be too….but stop giving your power away and worrying about what he’s thinking and feeling and put your focus back on yourself. You have NO CONTROL over what anyone else thinks, does, feels, says – whatever. You can only control (to some extent) your own reactions to stuff. Be the fabulous girl you no doubt are (assuming you are a girl) and be the kind of girl that any guy would want to be around…Not one who is desperate, pleading, putting her life on hold. Embrace it, live it and love it. Start by loving you first ok? The rest really will start to take care of itself if you do.

    Best, x

  39. Melissa

    Thank you, Thea. I really appreciate your prompt response. Your advice is sound and I am going to start living for me. Your site, by far has been the most useful, informative, and enlightening site for such a sought after topic. The impact you have had on so many lives is immeasurable. I hope the universe will return all the love, kindness, and generosity that you give to others.

  40. thea Post author

    Thanks hon. Things are going pretty well over all. Happy, healthy, and well and starting fresh. You will too xx

  41. lesley

    Don’t quite know where to start, was dumped from a great height 4 years ago when my husband left me, okay got over that one just, then met a wonderful man who i have been in a relationship for the last 2 years, then 4 weeks ago he ran too. He had been working away for a while altho we still saw each other and still spent xmas together which we did niggle but with 4 kids between us there was bound to be some pressure. He said his feelings have changed and he just loves me like a friend and he so sad because he so wanted it to work out. When he collected his stuff he cried and said i was the kindest person i had ever met, he will never forget me, and he loved me. This was heartbreaking i know for the first year i couldnt give him what he wanted but as i started to let my guard down his went up, he said we had just lost it somewhere but he belives u dont go back. He is 39 and his relationships only last about 3 to 4 years. I feel like my heart has been ripped out he has to come again next week to pick up what he couldnt fit in his car the first time, i offered to take it to his mums but he wants to collect it! I am 43 years old and know that i should put myself first and know i need to love myself etc but it feels so hard i am so fed up of giving, and fighting for something all the time. It is so hard when i just want him back my kids loved him to bits and he did them but i guess not enough. I still have him and half his family on my facebook do i knock him off it just feels petty? I feel so lost.

  42. thea Post author

    That Facebook challenge is a such a tough call. Maybe instead of deleting them you just “Hide” all their feeds for now, and maybe block your news feed to them? Change them to Limited Profile? I am so sorry you’re going through it. Sounds like you just need to work on your own life, as you mentioned, we all know we need to do it, but it’s easier said than done.

    Of course you love him and on some level he loves you, but at the moment not in the way a romantic partner should.

    I know exactly how you feel. Most of us around here do too. You will find your way again. You got over the break down of your marriage, you will this one too. And we never know where the path is taking us. That’s the thing, we get so hung up on staring at the the closed doors, we miss the open windows. Trust that whatever is for your highest good is happening. You say he doesn’t “go back” – maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but YOU will survive this and not only that, you’ll thrive again. OK? Hang in there. x

  43. thatgirl

    I feel weird posting on here, but feel like I could use “expert” advice. Last week, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. He had been distant from me for a week or so and it made me frustrated but I figured that it was because it was midterms. I also felt like we weren’t “connecting” all that well but figured that we could weather it and I just decided to give him space. He started calling me out on little things, like gently correcting me that sort of got to me but I didn’t reveal it. Sometimes, over dinner, we wouldn’t have that much to talk about. He’s 31 and I am 27, btw. We were only together for a couple of months but he was already talking about the future and I jumped on wholeheartedly, sharing my deepest secrets that he knew were hard to share. He seemed so sweet, understanding, and supportive. I really thought he saw something special in us that were more important than having a few off days. He sent me a text saying he wanted to talk. So we met and he told me he didn’t get excited to see me anymore and that while I am an “amazing” woman, he feels like our interests/personality are too different and that I just wasn’t it. I was pretty blindsighted because of all the future talk. He then sent me a very formal e-mail offering “words of encouragement.” I wrote him back to say that I agreed with him although I really just wanted to come off strong and I know he has no intention of getting back with me. Everyone keeps telling me that it is “his” problem but it is so hard not to ruminate over every single thing I did in the relationship to put him off. I feel like the break-up of our relationship was my fault even though he ended it. I really tried to be a great girlfriend and be the woman he wanted, but I guess it wasn’t enough.

  44. thea Post author

    I’ve been reading 2 Don Miguel Ruiz books of late – one is Mastery of Love and the other is the Four Agreements. Both my give you a bit of solace too. He sounds like a great guy over all but maybe not emotionally equipped to have a serious, long term relationship. Not everyone is. I like that he was honest. I know it smarts to hear things but better to hear them in the early months of the break up then have him “settle” when he doesn’t really feel IT. You know? I know the short relationships can hurt in some ways more than the long because we haven’t got a chance to learn all their annoying habits and traits. We’re still in the honeymoon phase. When the relationship ends there we get sort of stuck. He obviously cares about you on some level, he didn’t lie, he spoke his truth and he even sent words of encouragement after. He could have lied (had that), he could have vanished (had that too), and he could have done it a bunch of ways he didn’t. If he’s saying he lost the “excitement” in the first few months that says to me he maybe lacks some maturity. I would maybe stop ruminating on what YOU did or didn’t do and look at what worked about the relationship and what didn’t. If he did give you those “gentle” cues of things he did and didn’t like, maybe examine them, see if you agree or disagree, and apply changes accordingly. I am not saying change for him or anyone else, but sometimes we have behaviour or attitudes that can shoot us in the foot with other people. It can be a good thing when they are told to us. Or our EGO can get all pissed off and retaliate or defend our position. Ego aside – what changes can you make to me more attractive to the right long term partner for you?

    The problem when we’re newly dumped is we can’t see the bigger picture. It all feels so hopeless. But on down the road, once time has elapsed and some healing has taken place, we end up in a better place as a direct result of this. I like that you were strong when he wrote (even though you weren’t feeling that way). I focus on being the best I could be – and either it would make him think differently or someone better will take note.

    When I am in a situation like yours I try to “Detach from the Outcome” and say to myself “This or something better is now manifesting for the highest good of all concerned”. It frees you up from only wanting that one guy, one egg, one basket. You welcome whoever is the right fit for you. If not him, then someone else. Keep being the open, caring, person you are. Heal and move on to a guy who DOES share your interests/personality traits. My last relationship/break up was like that. GREAT GUY but not a good for me for a long term fit. We shared almost no similar interests, beliefs, personality traits…Then the next guy I met was a much better fit! And I can look back and honestly say – that wasn’t the one for me. As much as it hurt like hell when we parted. It hurt like hell when he moved on (quite quickly)…As much as I missed that “connection” – deep inside I knew we weren’t right and that splitting would be right for us.

    None of us knows where it’s going hon, we just need to appreciate the ride, bumps and all. You’ll get through this and move on to something better in time. Almost everyone I’ve ever seen here does! If that’s your goal, a happy, healthy, loving committed relationship – I believe you will achieve it. Just avoid staring at the closed door too long – you’ll miss what’s going on out the open window.

  45. Romanof

    How helpful this has been, can’t even thank for it enough. Let me describe you my situation, hoping your ideas will help me the most. It’s been about three weeks this girl dumped me, she’s two years younger than me (20 and me 22) and we lasted for around 7 months. We broke up once before, about 3 months ago, but then everything got up on their feet. But not now, apparently she has done that of moving on too quickly. But the worst thing isn’t that, but that she has done it with one of my best friends. When I realized that, my first action (out of a little bit of anger) was to erase both of them of any cell-phone or email list to avoid any contact from them. Around two weeks later, my ex added me back again, I accepted her to she what she had to say. She wanted to see if there was anything she could do for me not hate her or almost hate her. I said there wasn’t really anything I wanted to say to her. She tried to explain nothing really has happened, but she said that didn’t mean it couldn’t at some point, because they like each other clearly. I told her I was so upset because she was the girl I’ve ever cared the most, I was willing to do anything she wanted from me, she was really important for me. And being hurt by someone I cared so much, seemed to me really ungrateful, it made me think about why some men become complete idiots with women. I said I felt so unconsidered and humiliated. She said she really thought I was an incredible man, with an incredibly big hearth, but that the problem was I was ready to give everything and she wasn’t. And that this happened without her even realizing it. It made me think she’s in a really different level of maturity. But it continuously makes me suffer, because she simply doesn’t seem to get what is obvious it will hurt me. She doesn’t mind being with this “friend” of mine even when I’m two steps away; she’s the kind of girl who claimed not being the jealousy type. And all of this only makes fill awful, I don’t want to have any contact with him or her, but she already became very friend with many of my group of friends (most of them I know since elementary or junior-high) and this other “friend” is also part of that group, so I end up seeing them every moment. And it angers me, that I’m the one who needs to avoid this group, and not them. And that I don’t like to be angry, buy I also don’t feel comfortable forgiving them, it seems to me they don’t disserve it. So I’m really getting out of options, and I am really confused. I really don’t want anything with her, but to realize how inconsiderate and bitchy she has behaved, and I hate feeling the bad guy who makes it difficult for everyone. My friend also tried to apologize but it seemed really hypocrite to me, because even when we we’re going out he always was trying to get to talk to her, and I already knew he liked her. And now I’m think how long it’s been since there was something between them, although my ex claims this like is very recent, never crossed her mind while we were together. So any advice? Sorry for the length.

  46. thea Post author

    Hello R. I am really sorry to hear this painful story. I understand you feeling anger, hurt, humiliated etc. That’s a normal reaction to a perceived “slight”. I’d like to see you get to the point of “forgiving” but not for them and whether or not they “deserve it”. It’s not about them it’s about you being able to heal and move on. Long as you hold on to the anger hurt etc the longer it ties to you. I realise that you have a similar circle of friends and that’s a very hard situation (I’ve totally been there) but that just says to me for a while you need to give the group a wide berth and maybe re-connect with some other ones you’ve not seen in a while, or foster some new ones. For a while being around him / her will be far too hard. It’s too raw to be in their proximity, you know? As it’s constantly in your face it will feel nearly impossible to “move on”. The more space you can get for a while, the better your feel as you start to really heal. The anger will pass. The humiliation too. You will meet someone else who will thing you’re awesome and won’t run off with your best friend. You just need to take some time out and heal properly. Presumably you have some breaks coming up? It’ll be a good time to catch up with other people and get away from that group. Not forever just for a while until you can handle it. OK? Do whatever it takes to protect your heart. Forget him, her, your pals for now – and be around the folks that will listen and understand. You’re gonna be ok. You’re gonna move on to something better for you. Honest. Hang in there. x

  47. Bella

    I don’t know what it is that i need advice on coz my life has become such a mess that i dunno where it is that i need to make a start on to clean the mess.
    I’ve been in love with this guy for 5 years now. He was with me in the last two years of school i knew he didn’t love me so kept my mum and supported his relationships and was a good friend to him. In school he got confused as to who to propose. He proposed to the girl he was madly in love with and not me he didn’t tell me i was the one he had confused with it was obvious coz we’ve always shred the vibe.
    Anyway after school she dumps him. I go away to in pursuit of a particular college (which i didn’t make it to)he keeps calling me i’m there for him he proposes one day i accept knowing that he loves her hoping he’ll fall out of love from her.
    Two months of long distance relationship later when i come back home he dumps me saying he needs to go back to her.
    I deal with it. That was in June 2008.
    In 2010 he makes contact again. Apologises. I accept and say i’m a good friend to him she has dumped him for another guy apparently so i’m there for him from may to december we are together we become really close i was careful this time to make sure not to show my feelings he proposes i say you don’t love me like that you love me only as a friend he convinces me and all my friends and his friends that he truly loves me and we have 3 beautiful months together
    2 weeks back he dumps me saying he can’t do it anymore doesn’t feel the connection anymore proposed to me only to make up for hurting me before thought he would fall in love with me in the process he just didn’t and so on
    i had made my whole life around his the last 11 months
    everything shattered around me
    career sleep food all bad
    i have exams in 10 days
    i can’t study
    he had been distancing himself from me a week before the breakup when asked about it this happened
    don’t want him back
    was pretty serious
    he used me in all ways possible
    lost some friends who were angry with me for getting back together with him
    i want god to take my life
    don’t want this pain anymore
    i’m done

  48. lan

    Hi bella… It sounds like you’ve made a mistake: you trusted this guy, against what past experience and friends warned you about… And a single mistake is everyone’s entitlement…

    Most importantly, whatever has gone wrong can be fixed, and that includes most things… So just focus on the one person that the both of you’ve been neglecting so far: YOU… Everything will fix itself… Promise…

    I lost 3 years of my life over my first woman… And while i don’t regret the relationship, i do regret the time spent brooding over her… She wasn’t worth THAT… Everything else can be fixed in good time but you won’t be able to do much broken… And, trust me when i tell you: this too shall pass…

  49. thea Post author

    Sorry for not replying sooner Bella. I know this is all a pretty big pile of pain you’re dealing with but it will get better and you will survive it. Don’t wish to end life – as you’ll be a long time dead. Make the most of this time by healing from this guy who never really truly reciprocated your love as much as he no doubt wanted to. He’s sounding very confused and messed up and its good he was honest with you – no matter how painful. Sure you and I both wish he’d left it until AFTER exams but seldom do people pick a “good time” to dump someone. I am not sure there is ever a “good time” only “less bad” times!

    Eat soup (or drink it), drink water, cry, sleep, study, and pass the exams. This is what focus needs to be on now. If you still feel like a meltdown in a few weeks fair enough but now – get your head down and get on with it.

    Your friends will come around in time. It’s not THEIR life it’s yours and what you’ve done or not done is no one else’s business. They just care for you and are loyal and want to see you move on to your own true love and they could probably see this better than you could in some ways because sometimes we only see what we want to see, as they say “love is blind”.

    Are you in for a sucky time? Yes, and I know just how you feel. We all do around here. A clean break is what’s necessary in this case and believe me I know just how hard that is too. It took me many false attempts until I finally got it “right” the last time. My last relationship was with a great guy – just not a good fit for me. Probably like your “ex” too. He doesn’t sound a bad guy – he does care for you but just not in that way. Unfortunately.

    Take time out and do some healing. Things can and do get better – in time – with some effort on our part.

    Keep writing. Keep breathing. Keep studying xx

  50. thea Post author

    Thanks for posting to Bella Ian. That was kind of you and some good advice too. I am like you. I don’t REGRET any of my relationships. All great guys – just not good “long term fits” for me I guess. All of them have helped shape who I’ve become and I am not too bad. I have my moments, but over all my heart is in the right place.

    You take care Ian.


  51. Bella

    thank you so much Ian for replying and i’m gonna take you up on your advice as my talisman this too shall pass, aye? thank you

  52. Bella

    thank you thea i’m trying hard to concentrate on studies exams start on 7th haven’t even started on them god knows how i’m gonna do it thanks for your support god bless you

  53. thea Post author

    Good luck on your exams. I really hope you managed to get some studying done and all that info is your brain ready to come out on them! No one should ever be able to take away our insights, our worth, our education, thought processes etc. But of course they do. We let them. Until we don’t.

    So good luck. Thinking of you x

  54. Bella

    hey thea
    2 of my 3 exams over
    i dunno how i managed to finish both
    after exams i’ve to restart my articleship at office
    he works there
    i went and bought new sandals, bag and even got a new haircut
    still can’t find the confidence to go and rejoin
    he seems to be going to office as if nothing ever happened
    i don’t think i can do that
    goddamn it we’ve been this “special” type of friends or together all through the last 5 years
    how can i behave as though nothing ever happened
    i’m finding reasons to tell my parents so that i don’t have to go to office
    even thinking of career change
    i dunno i seem to have lost interest in this career and it showed in my preparations and my exam papers as well, i’m sure
    i don’t want to make him a reason to cover up my laziness or whatever
    but i just don’t have that drive anymore to go along with it halfway through this career option if i let go i dunno thea

  55. thea Post author

    Bella, great to hear you’re nearly there. Proud of you for completing 2 of 3. I know how challenging it can be. I think if you dig somewhere in the forums you’ll find an article about the Dumper’s POV. There are a few reasons he could be acting as if – he doesn’t care. For one though he’s had a longer time to come to terms with the split. Dumpers detach before they finally say “goodbye”. Also many men keep their feelings to themselves…so just because he’s acting like he doesn’t care or notice you – don’t bet on it.

    Hold off on the “career change” until you’re more over it. Don’t let some guy run you out of dodge as it were.

    If you heal and still feel the same then move on to something different (or even working on the resume/CV with a view to maybe move on) but don’t act on impulse when you’re still emotional ok? I know all too well the compulsion to run away but Bella, wherever you go, there you are. Those problems, emotions, challenges just go with us when we leave!

    Better to stay put, work through and then when you’re less emotionally charged consider moving on.

    Follow your gut though Bella. I don’t know you, him or what job you’re doing! So there’s no way I or anyone else knows what’s best for BELLA!

    Hugs x

  56. Bella

    thea i think this time too he dumped me for another girl only like last time. one of my close friends a new friend but a close one at that who was stuck up on another guy
    he used to hate her in the beginning then i made them friends and he realised she was a good person
    while in relationship with me he used to call her his sis and she used to call him bro but i dunno even my mom used to think there was something between them the way they acted together
    but i never doubted his integrity this time
    but when he dumped me he shouted at me about her like he always calls her talks to her but didn’t used to have time to talk to me so on the day of our breakup while we were talking out the problem (or that’s what i’d thought i hadn’t expected a breakup)he stopped chatting while i gave them both missed calls i understood they were talking.
    this has happened many many times at night. long calls. not a single one for me. now when i understood she lost the sudden interest that she had had in me since i’d become his girlfriend when he dumped me, i think they are together she doesn’t call me. hmm now that i look through old pics not a single pic of us together just him and her hmm i dunno if i can go back to office thea with both of them there i’ll kill myself i can’t do this anymore

  57. Bella

    i’m going crazy thea i just can’t do this anymore i’m crying screaming when alone i dunno thought i was getting better it’s been almost a month since the break up but i think things have gotten worse i just can’t think straight i feel like i have reached a dead end like there is no way forward and i can’t go back either i’m going mad thea mad

  58. thea Post author

    Well Bella, I hope you tap into the anger enough to see you through this.

    At this point it doesn’t matter WHO or WHAT this guy is doing. It’s none of your concern. It’s certainly not worth “killing” yourself over.

    If he is with her – good luck to them both. It will show that he was clearly not the one for you. At least not now.

    But don’t give any man or woman the power of you and where you choose to go or not go. Rise your head above this and start to move on hon.

    It’s only been a month Bella. Give yourself a bit of a break. You’ve had a lot on your plate – what with the exams and dealing with this whole situation.

    Go look at my latest blog. I’ve talked about how I handle some of this stuff. All that you’re feeling is “normal” but in order to get “over it” Bella you have to want to get over it. That’s the bottom line. If you want to, you will. Seriously go on over to YouTube and find some Byron Katie videos to watch…

    If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change…
    you can get passed all of this. I really believe you can and will.

  59. thea Post author

    It may feel like you’ve reached a dead end but you haven’t. It may feel like you will always feel like this. You won’t. It may feel like they’re winning. They’re not. You’re gonna be ok. You really are hon. Keep on keeping on. x

  60. Bella

    hai thea. 3rd exam also over. i’m on one month’s sick leave from office. i can’t face him and her. both are at office. i’m trying to get over i’m trying but like you said i dunno if i want to. like if i get over him, what do i do with all the love i have for him thea? i love that guy with all i have. now my life is like empty you know? everything we used to do together. just getting outta my house is torture. he seems happy thea. he has lied to his friends about me. making it my fault. the breakup. i’ve always tried to make him happy even when i was uncomfortable doing stuff. i can’t understand what wrong i did to him for him to torture me like this thea.

  61. Bella

    you’re right. i shouldn’t bother with what he is doing and so on. i dunno how to make this okay though. how to make my life without him in it. have loved him since i knew what love was. what am i supposed to do with that? and now i know he hates me despises me. he tried to love me he said, but just couldn’t fall in love with me. thea god i dunno

  62. thea Post author

    Maybe he is happy Bella. Maybe he’s happier than he has ever been in his life. I have no idea. If you actually love this guy then don’t you WANT him to be happy? I mean if it’s REAL LOVE then you do. It’s not a case of “I want him to be happy as long as it’s not with HER”. You were happy once. You will likely be happy again. If he’s MISERABLE would that make you HAPPY?

    Whether he’s happy as Larry or miserable as whoever…makes no odds now. He’s your ex.

    This whole situation sucks. I grant you that. It truly does. You’ve lost a friend, a lover, a confidante, times two. (Well apart from the lover bit with her I guess…). It feels like everyone else is doing grand and you’re sat there like Sad Sally in the corner. I get it. But eventually that HORRIBLE phase subsides. you don’t feel like you’ll ever get over it or be happy again but you will.

    And maybe next time you’ll learn to base your HAPPINESS on yourself and not some external source.

    I know I had to learn that one too,…

    This guy is not the key to your happiness. NO GUY IS.

    If we base our worth and contentment on a job, a car, a guy or gal or whatever – we risk having it obliterated.

    This is a brilliant chance for you to grow, learn, build confidence in yourself and become a whole NEW YOU.

    It’s an OPPORTUNITY BELLA not the end of the world. Well it can be the end of the world if that’s the choice you wish to take.

    It’s down to you hon.

    No one can fix you or this. It’s an INSIDE job.

    I can simply sit here and remind you that you’re worthy of love, you are love, you will get better in time – but the work is all down to you.

    Do stop being so hard on yourself. ONE MONTH is nothing. That crappy period may even last a few more months – but it won’t be so constant. Eventually your awful days become just bad, then they become ok and then they move from OK to great. It’s just part of the process BELLA and there are absolutely no shortcuts to the healing process.

    I still recommend you go onto You Tube and watch some Byron Katie. If I have off days (and they do happen) – she makes me feel better than just about anything or anyone can…because she reminds me to question my thoughts and the stories my mind (and EGO) are creating about any given situation.

    The only way we can ever really suffer is when we are believing those terrible thoughts. That’s it.

    Keep on keeping on Bella. You’re getting a wee bit better each day – even if you don’t see it. Trust me I know. I’ve had 11 years of stories like you, people in pain like you, feeling so low they thought they’d never get over it….but they did and you will too. x

  63. Bella

    ya thea i do want him to be happy but just the fact that he doesn’t care about the fact that he has hurt me and that i’m hurting bad is what hurts all the more.
    ya i guess as you say this too shall pass.
    thank you thea. you are a great support. you truly are. thank you

  64. Bella

    i know i need to fix this myself, ya. you’re right. it is my choice isn’t it? hmm well i guess there is no use in counting on someone else to make me happy instead better to find ways to make myself happy aye?
    true yeah. thanks again thea. i’m trying my best. hopefully this pain will go away eventually as you say. god bless you thea.

  65. Suz

    I got dumped a week ago. After almost two years together…I thought he was the man of my dreams but he changed and couldn’t accept me for who I really was. To make matters worse we slept together after we broke up…confused much? I know. He used me in my vulnerable state of mind. I guess it takes two to tango but he knew how i felt and used me. I thought we could reconcile…how foolish of me to ever think he would want to be with me. I feel like I do deserve better we all really deserve better when we are dumped. It’s so painful right now because you miss them/hate them/love them and you have to accept that you can never go back to the start. In the end we can only look after ourselves and move on.

  66. Lily

    Hi Thea-I really like your site.

    I was with my ex for 2.5 years and then we broke up about 4 months ago due to the distance and him not having time for me. He is studying far away from where I live. It’s sad cause I know he is good person but not the one for me.

    I did all you said- deleted number and emails etc. I blocked him on Facebook too so I cant nose into his profile.

    Unfortunately I was seeing ANOTHER ex BEFORE this current ex. He was a player but I liked him so much cause I beleive there is good in everyone and I have this weird idea that that guy is somehow craving love. So the past ex contacted me out if the blue after 4 years of not hearing from him and of course said sweet things and I told him I recently broke up with current ex. Then past ex moved away and won’t return my calls or anything.

    I know it’s silly and stupid but in some ways I am actually obsessing more about the past ex than the current ex!! Weird huh? I just wish I could escape my mind and my thoughts of both of them ; (( Please help if you can many thanks

  67. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay in getting back to you toots. I flew trans-Atlantic two days ago and am catching up on everything now (far too early on a Sunday morning). Well as for people “accepting” people for the way they are I have to be honest with you, I don’t think anyone really does that. Almost no one. We always want more communication, more sex, them to eat with their mouth full,… – there’s always something. And irony is when we say “you don’t accept me for the way I am” – you’re not accepting them for being the way they are. It’s all confusing because we’re emotional beings and therefor flawed.
    You’re not foolish. You’re human.

    I seldom (if ever) operate from the mentality that anyone ever uses me…I chalk it up to being a contributor. He knew how you felt? Well perhaps yes, but so did you, and yes it takes two to Tango. I suspect you enjoyed it at the time, so walk away knowing you had fun too. And don’t put all this energy into thinking about it in a negative way. Put a spin on it. “Yeah that was hot and we’ve left on a good note”.

    Good endings make good beginnings. He had sex with you because on some level he still cares, and fancies you…it just doesn’t mean it’s enough to actually BE with you. Sex with an ex is ultra common.

    Been there seen it done and launched the website to prove it.

    You can never go back to the “start” of course you’re right – but also no one ever knows where the path is taking us. Some people out there do have breaks and end up back with exes after time has elapsed and the people have done some growing/learning/sorting. We can’t really ever speak in CERTAIN terms when it comes to love and life. There are so many factors at play.

    You’re going to be ok. You ARE ok. It’s just a roller coaster for now is all. I feel ya.

    You take care hon. x

  68. thea Post author

    Hi hon. Thanks for the post. Oh the ex exes…Yep I’ve been there before! LOL. Not “weird” at all.

    You say you’re more obsessed with the previous ex and that’s actually quite common because each break up triggers past break ups residual emotions. It is very common really that and it means we’re often dealing with more than what we realise. They can also trigger past experiences from childhood…most of it boils down to our own sense of Self Worth at the end of the day and that’s what we need to focus ourselves on.

    Because you have no control over anything or anyone else. We’re all craving love hon. It’s ourselves that are responsible for filling our own cups though…That’s the part many people don’t get (myself included at times) – looking for that love / validation externally. When we base our worth on that – it gets taken away when they leave…and all relationships end one way or another!

    Maybe to stop you focusing on your exes you need to create some goals for yourself…Susan Jeffers, who wrote “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” has what’s called GRID OF LIFE. In it there are nine boxes. I don’t necessarily agree with all her boxes but I do most of them. And really it means we need to have a full life by having goals and energy across all the boxes – not just say “relationships” or “work”. That way when things go wrong in ONE BOX we don’t feel completely lost.

    So that’s homework. Find the name of the boxes and start focusing on your own life and way forward and just take it one day at a time.

    Also another thing…Watch what you say about yourself / to yourself. Don’t berate yourself with words like “silly” and “stupid” and instead insert “human” because you’re just like the rest of us. Plagued with rattle snakes of the mind.

    If the previous ex has moved away – was this recent? I am a little confused…but the fact he’s not returning calls or whatever if he’s just moved would not be too shocking or insulting. But maybe I am misunderstanding you.

    In any event stop calling him and the other one – and start doing some healing. Nose back in your own business.

    You take care hon. These thoughts eventually become less and less painful. It can take weeks or months but with effort – they can and do lessen as you heal. xx

  69. anthony

    I met an amazing and beautiful girl 2 years ago and had some of the best times of my life with her. We had such great chemistry and we spent nearly everyday together. I practically lived at her house and helped watch her 2 young kids while she worked. My son was also involved in this relationship for 2 of his short 4 years and became a loved part of this family. We were so madly in love that sometimes it was overwhelming. She was everything I ever wanted and we called each other best friend. We talked about marriage at times but were both semi recently divorced and nervous about that concept. On a wonderful trip just a few months ago we said we’d go back to that magical place someday to get married or have a life partner type ceremony. Definitely the best girl I ever knew and could hope for.

    Problems really started after I lost my job about 15 months ago. I struggled financially and desperately tried to get back into my field to no avail. Even now the best I found is to leave the state to work a temporary job until winter. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was very depressed and negative. I was angry inside about a lot of things in my life and I began unfairly criticizing her which hurt her. Of course it was not my intention to be this way and she said she knew I was having trouble dealing with my situation and realized I wasn’t her I was mad at. She gave me some chances and I sort of worked on my issues by myself. But I fell back into my negative mind set as we were so close I felt we could get through anything.

    Six weeks ago while we were both very intoxicated I got angry at her and the next day she said it was over. I really didn’t believe it was true, I couldn’t even remember fighting. I knew I put off getting help for too long so immediately began lots of therapy, doing yoga, volunteering and intensely studying about my issues, pretty much anything I could do to begin healing my mind. Since then she hasn’t contacted me while I have been foolishly emailing and texting to let her know that I am finally changing my negative and angry ways and what we had was magic and worth fighting for. I ended up going to her house yesterday as I needed some answers. I had hoped if I stayed away for a while she would begin to remember the good stuff and see that I was genuine in changing myself for the better.

    But she says its too late and that she has nothing left for me and doesn’t feel the forever love anymore. She said she has been taking anti-depressants and they finally started working after several weeks she is beginning to feel better. She went out with her friend recently to get hit on by guys in order to feel better about herself. And now I know she’s had someone over to her house and based on what I think I know about her past breakups she almost certainly had sex with that person. That is probably the worst part of all this. Seeing her switch off a deep love for me and then so quickly sleeping with another man. I realize I have to let her go now but I am just so destroyed by this and since the split I never wanted to let go. But now with her sleeping around, I must. I know the concept of getting over someone by getting under someone is wrong and I feel and hope that she feels awful about herself for what she’s done. At the same time I wish could do that but I just can’t my heart is still too fragile. I cant understand how she can live with herself.

    I guess this all boils down to, how can I get what an amazing relationship we had out of my head so I can function and move on? And how do I stop thinking about her having sex with another man? It absolutely kills me.

    Thank you if you read this. It helps me some to get this all out. Much Love

  70. Jack


    Me and my girlfriend were together for 6 months before she dumped me. It doesn’t sound along time, but we were truely in love and we were saying stuff to each other which was really serious. Maybe its because we were young and naiive but it was something special that we had.

    Anyway we both had to go on international work placement for 2 months, so contact was limitied to 1 e-mail a day, and a skype every week.Its probably also worth pointing out that we were both supposed to go to the USA this summer for 2 and a half months however in seperate places.

    It was hard but we seemed to be coping fine. Then when she got back from her placement, but i was still on mine, we were talking over facebook chat and she stated that her feelings had changed but she didn’t know why. Then she went into more detail about what she didn’t like about me, and that she just wanted to be single and no-one to answer to. She even stated that she hated writing me by e-mail and it was a chore.

    This naturally was such a shock and so hard to take because well this is the girl that i love with all my heart saying these pretty nasty things, but what confused me most was that 3 weeks previous she sent me this e-mail after one of our skype sessions broke down, saying things such as “i want you to be my future husband and father of my children” and other words of that effect.

    She then sent an e-mail stating that the reasons that her feelings had changed were that i was too un-organised during our last week at home doing last minute uni work and coaching to spend quality time with her, and that really hurt her. However in that time i never saw my family, friends, and saw her everyday. Then she also claimed i was too “clingy” and that because she was a fiercely independant person she needed time and space, and wanted to be happy being single. But again we always wanted each others company and she always said she missed me even if i had been away for half a day or so again leaving me confused.

    Anyway we exchanged a few other e-mails, and i agreed to give her time so we can settle things face to face back in england, because even though i had asked her the question “is it over?” she avoided it, and after the initial break up on facebook chat, she sent me a message having a go at me for changing my status to single? I mean i’m confused to say the least.

    A few days pass and in the following week she initiates contact 3 times by text, 1 however just being really pointless and stating how shes watching a tv programme on tall people and shes decided i’m not tall. Again i didn’t know how to take it but i replied normally and said i was on a night out which i was. About another week passes in which she states we can meet up this week but “not for long”, and for us to meet up i’d have to travel a 4 hour round trip for 2 hours chat because shes really busy. She then text me saying “have you got anything else to say anyway?” which to me sounded like she was avoiding the meet up.

    I then decided at one moment to not go up, and i called her instead. I told her that if that is it, then i need to cut contact from her completely to get over her, i.e delete off facebook, past e-mails, but not her number or anything so i can still get in touch with her. But she was disgusted with the idea and called it “pathetic”. But i stuck to my guns and i have removed her as a friend on facebook, and deleted past e-mails, to stop giving me constant reminders which will bother me. I did it ultimately to stop me from getting false hope, and then go through this emotional cycle all over again.

    But i can’t help feel that i’ve not done something right along the line. I love the girl with all my heart and id do anything to get back together at some point but i just feel that what i have done may have drove her away and lead her to find another guy pretty quick.

    I just want to know if i have acted in the correct way?

    Thanks so much.

  71. thea Post author

    Hey Jack there is something going on in the air right now where everyone I talk to about break ups seems to be of the male persuasion. Women are on a rampage! Anyway I digress. From what you’ve said, you appear to have handled things perfectly. You’re both young, you may not have a gauge which to compare this too (e.g. a first love etc) but though she is your first she won’t be your last. You will heal and move on from this. I am sure she’s doing the best she can with the skills/tools she’s got, but giving you mixed messages and calling you “pathetic” when you need some space to heal – are not my idea of a wonderful girl.

    I feel you have acted in the correct way for someone who’s been told their clingy, disorganised, pathetic etc.

    It actually sounded to me like she met someone else new while away – and picked a fight with you to use as her “get out”. I am not sure of course. The fact that you’re 2 hours apart may serve to be a good thing. You need to space to heal without the worry of bumping into her.

    I suspect you’ve not hear the last of her. What you can do with FB is “hide” the person (and people in common) instead of deleting but anyway it’s done now. And you have nothing to apologise for. She ended it for her reasons and now you’ll in self-preservation mode. There is NOTHING to explain or justify to anyone. It’s 100% natural and I’d not hesitate in doing it if I were in the same boat and my ex was on FB or whatever.

    In time you guys will probably talk again. You may even be friends one day (never say never) but the thing to do is do you bit to end on the best possible terms. She walked. You let her cite her reasons. You’ve went into survival mode. You’ve avoided real nastiness (I didn’t see that her comments were “nasty” earlier per se) – you just need to treat her with as much respect as you possible can and heal and move on.

    You’re gonna have some highs and lows but that’s life regardless of a break up.

    You’ve done the right thing, for now, and in time you may change. As you heal, what you can and can’t handle also changes.

    You take care x

  72. Jack


    Thanks for the really prompt reply.

    It is going to be tough for me but as i am going away to america for 2 months, hopefully that will speed up the healing process. She always knew i was going away to america, so i’ve also wondered to myself if that was a reason why she acted the way she did. When we were together she always used to give the impression that i could do better than her, and she seemed to have very little confidence in her body image. She even expressed at one point that she didn’t want me to find “an american cheerleader” and leave her! But of course to all of these things i said she was beautiful and had absolutely nothing to worry about. We seemed to get over that pretty well.

    But anyway there is little point wondering know what is done is done i guess and i should leave fate to decide the rest.

    We are on the same university course however, and to make it a little worse we do now have the same close friendship group which could make things a little interesting. But i am the sort of guy who respects everyone and treats everyone well.I have been in 4 previous relationships, and i am still good friends with 3 of them and the other i never speak to, because we were just not that serious in the first place.

    I expressed that i was always there for her if needed, like i have said to all my ex girlfriends, and when we next meet i will be very friendly towards her naturally. Even though i think she handled the situation pretty badly i hold no resentment towards her at all, its just my personality and lots of people think i am too nice, but i can’t help it really.
    I guess to make it easier on myself i should make a little contact before we go back so it isn’t so god damn awkward?

    Anyway again thankyou for your advise it will really help me.

    Take care also

    Jack x

  73. Ashley


    Today is day six in my break with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt. I met him less than 4 days into my freshman year and by the next week we were together. I approached this relationship differently than the last – less clingy, set standards up front, and made no demands. It was glorious being with him.

    I dealt with a lot of hardship and depression in my life but he was the first person to hear it, see it, and love me for it. He cared for me and I was enriched by him. That first month I knew I was to marry him. We soon spent our time together since no one else seemed to match what the other had. He showed me so much. He loved me so much until problems with his family started.

    The short version is that his little brother threw things at me – shoes, balls, food – and his parents never did a thing about it. I think that’s when problems started. I was devastated because I was losing a family who seemed to not want me and I became clingy. But I confronted the family and they blamed it all on me. It was never resolved and he was torn between us. Yet, we stayed together and moved in after we graduated.

    Everyone believed it was a matter of time until we would marry. Our friends thought we were “it”…until a few months ago when my ex stopped getting work – he’s a freelance jazz musician. He was depressed and I was working and moving towards training in the medical field. There were issues but, as someone who suffers from depression, I figured it wasn’t anything completely devastating. That is, it was something that could be worked out.

    Last Thursday we started talking and we came to breaking up even thought I feel like it was more him than me. He says he loves me but he doesn’t want to bring me down with him – he doesn’t know where his career is going – and that he isn’t as committed to me long term as i am to him.

    I’m moving back home though that’s a struggle since so much dysfunction is going on there. He is helping me pack and listening to me grieve. I love him. I genuinely do. And I know I deserve someone who wants to commit to me long term and knows where they are going, however, I want him. I have always wanted him only. I want him in my life.

    It kills me to know that I will never know if he will get into grad school or become the musician he wants. And I know it kills him to never see me in scrubs. He still loves me and I him and I can’t help but think that in a few years we’ll me again or still be friends and realize that we still need each other.

    But the idea of being alone without him scares me. I don’t want to be without him. I know I need to so that I can go full throttle but I love him. I don’t want to miss his voice or his performances. I don’t want to not know want he’s doing. I just wish that we broke up over something more concrete – more obviously terrible. I don’t want to lose him.

    Each day makes me feel like a half of me will never come back. I want to claw my heart out, it hurts so much. I haven’t told many may it be pride or that others have what I thought we would…my mom and sister keep telling me it will get better.

    I don’t think so. It feels like a divorce. It feels like death. I thought he was the one but he’s not but he is…I just don’t know if moving back home is the best. We still live together since we split rent with other people. He hasn’t left and I can’t. I guess I just want to know if it’s normal to fantasize if months or years from now he will want me and I will want him and it will work out? Am I doing the right thing by going home? How do I get my dreams and feelings back so I can heal?

    Everyone out there…take care!!

  74. liam

    i was dumped on new years eve, after a 15 year relationship. we have two lovely kids together, and i learn after two months she is with one of my friends, term lightly, it sickens my stomach, what advice to get through this, hurting inside, liam

  75. thea Post author

    Sorry to hear your story Liam. Other than the 10 Tips above I guess I’d have to say – go easy on yourself, work through the anger, the hurt, the resentment, the nausea etc. It will take time, it’s only been seven months, but you will get through this. Be grateful that you have 2 wonderful kids as a result of that relationship, realise that most relationships end (make that all of them) it just depends on HOW they end. Learn what you can from it, and let this pain catapult to being a better you as a result. It’s natural to feel sick at the thought of her with another man – especially one you knew and considered a friend or acquaintance. The trouble there is the “story” the mind creates about that – how everything is “rosey” with them, how you are somehow “less than” in some way – at least that is how most people feel when they experience this when they have been replaced. There is a blog here about being replaced (it’s happened to me a lot actually – a handful of times maybe – the guys often marry the gal or so after me which is a kick in the teeth) but find that BLOG.

    With such a history you’ve built up on some level she will miss things about you. Right now she may be “distracted” by the shiny new toy but that doesn’t mean you meant nothing to her. No one can erase history – no matter how hard they may try.

    So focus on yourself and what you’re doing and where you’re heading on not what they are or are not doing.

    Hang in there. You will get through and bounce back to something even better.

    Keep the faith.

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  77. thatgirl


    Two weeks after being dumped by a previous ex, I started dating someone else that I met online. I was still upset over the previous relationship and just wanted to “move on” and this new guy seemed great. We met in person and, while I didn’t feel any sort of spark, I enjoyed talking to him but was unsure about seeing him again. He started calling me, texting me sweet things and basically saying that he wanted us to be together but I hung back because I wanted to take things slow. He seemed to want to take things really fast and would talk about the future wayyyy too soon.

    Although I experienced some reservations in the beginning, I found that we had some really great times together and could really laugh and be myself around him. We have almost nothing in common but our shared faith but I felt like maybe it was time for something “different.”

    This guy was unlike any other, he didn’t go to college, was in construction, distinterested in art, had no family and very very few close friends and a part of me felt sorry for his past but admired him too. Before long, I was finally “convinced” into being in a relationship with him because he seemed like an honest, hard-working, sweet and funny man who didn’t play games.

    It might be important to note that we were in a long-distance relationship (2 hour drive.) He wanted to meet my family and all that and our relationship was moving ahead. One time, he started to get really distant and I asked him if everything was alright and he said that my asking him was “strange” and that I needed to stop “worrying so much.” It was obvious he was annoyed. The next time we saw each other, things were great so I didn’t think much of it.

    We had a few weeks where things were really great…I would come to see him, spend a couple of days etc. There were times through out the entire relationship, however, that he would cancel on me last minute without much thought of my disappointment. Over the weeks, things were really good but he would never call me, only text message (and message a lot!)

    Then he started getting really distant again. He wasn’t telling me he loved me anymore, stopped calling me “babe” and generally seemed in a pissed off mood. He had asked me weeks before to meet up with him while he and I were both across the country to meet his “parents” and “sister” (perhaps the only person he is really close to.) I rearranged my trip so I could stay with his family. So, during this whole ordeal of him being distant for a few weeks but still talking to me (basically, just enough to keep me hanging on but insecure) that I noticed he hid so facebook relationship status so I called him up to see what was going on. I didn’t bring up the fb thing but said that he seemed really distant and asked him what was going on.

    He said that work was really stressing him out and that he didn’t mean to be distant. I asked him point blank if he still wanted to be with me and he gave me an affirmative, while unethusiastic response. He seemed to be better via text but I still had to be the one to call me and this was going on three weeks of not seeing him in person. So I left for my trip and tried to get a hold of him while he was there too to talk about me meeting up with him but he wouldn’t answer and only send me a text asking what I was doing and sorry that he was really busy. Same thing the next day.

    I finally texted asking is he wanted to meet up with me at all and he just said that he didn’t know what was going on and if plans had changed etc. I decided then and there that it was over. You don’t ask someone to go on the other side of the country and then ditch them without any concern over their welfare. I didn’t text him back, deleted his phone number and ended things on fb (I wasn’t trying to be petty but there was no other way to get a hold of him. Four days pass without any contact (which is a looooong time for Captain Text message and I) and my sister calls me while I am at the airport on the return home that she, my brother-in-law and I are deleted from his friends list.

    It’s quite obvious now that he saw I ended things on fb. He then sends me a text a few hours later saying “sorry, I just don’t feel the same way I used to. forgive me for not telling you sooner.” I texted him back to say that: I already knew that, and gave him the opportunity to tell me that. I wasn’t going to wait around to continue to be disrespected in the process.

    Lastly, I said I wished he had handeled things with more consideration for my time and feelings.” It felt really good. No response and I don’t anticipate getting one. Sorry this is so long, but I just got home from my trip and really wanted to put it all “out there.” 🙂

  78. thea Post author

    I am so sorry to read this “fresh”, raw tale. It’s annoying and frustrating given the way it was handled but most people suck at ending things (even me as several exes will tell you!) 😉

    The thing is that this “wrong” from the get go. The time, the lack of mutual interests, seemingly work/educational levels etc. That’s not to say it can’t work out – but you really knew going in he wasn’t really the one for you. It was probably just nice having the contact – someone who texts, someone who’s there even if it was 2 hours away.

    All of this is not to say it won’t sting for a while. It hurts whenever we split – no matter how much our head KNOWS that we are ill suited (sorta a story of my life at times)…And the other bit of pain is that each new break up or rejection triggers past ones. You have two you’ll need to take some time to heal from. Process both of them now, on a hiatus from men, and learn what you can from both of these situations.

    One lesson might be to listen to your GUT going in. I did the exact same thing with someone who I had few things in common with, and totally opposing life styles with, and a few years later it was super painful to extricate myself from. While I don’t “regret” anything or anyone in life – I do vow to listen to my gut more going into these things!

    You’re gonna be fine. It will be a bit of a roller coaster…and sounds like it might be worth reading “Be Honest–You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve” by Ian Kerner!

    The guy doesn’t sound evil just ill equipped on the best way way to end things. Most people are. Forgive the guy for his inadequacies and chalk it up to an adventure. It wasn’t malicious, just unfortunate. He’s human. You’re human and though we all claim we’d handle it so much better – sometimes we too screw up and hurt people.

    I’ve been horribly hurt in the past – and I forgave each and every one of them. We do that for us, not them really. Because holding on, bitching, bad mouthing, carrying anger hurt and resentment hurts US not them. So heal, let go, wish him well and move on. There will be someone who is a better long term fit for you and for him. OK?

    I suspect if we really drill down to it – he felt like you were a bit of out of his league, and he couldn’t quite measure up. Not sure why I have that gut feeling, but I do. Could that be possible?

    Be well toots! This will be a story you can giggle over in the future. Because frankly you just can’t make this sh*t up! x 😉

  79. thatgirl

    Hello Thea,
    You are absolutely right. I knew going into this relationship that it just wasn’t right but I figured I would go for someone “different” than I normally date… and he seemed so smitten that I thought there could really be someone there. It was flattering, especially after being rejected by my previous ex. Maybe this isn’t all that surprising but I have found myself thinking more about my ex ex since this guy and I broke up.
    As far as the whole “out of my league” thing, I really feel like it was a possibility. He would make comments about how much more attractive I was then him and things like that. He almost seemed grateful that I was with him. Why one would push away another who seems “too good” for you… I don’t understand. THat and why he didnt just tell me it was over when I asked him. I put it on a silver platter for him! He just told me he was super busy and wanted to play things by ear. I honestly don’t think he has much skill in the way of maintaining close relationships because he really only has one. I think he needs a girl of similiar circumstances who expects verrrry little of him in terms of time and communication. I’ve learned from this and my prevoous relationship to trust my gut feelings and stop listening to what other people think and that saying “no” to a relationship doesn’t mean I have lost my chance for love.

  80. tintin

    I was dumped by my boyfriend just last month we’ve been together for three years. He was 15 years older than me, before we decided to go on with our relationship I asked him if he had a wife or children and he said that he didn’t have any…I believed him..

    Last month a girl emailed me to tell me that she was his ex live-in partner and that they have 2 kids…

    It was very painful to accept but I still chose to accept it, to understand him. I asked the girl if she wanted to get back my boyfriend and she told me that all she really want is for him to support their kids and that she doesn’t want him anymore…

    I believed when my boyfriend told me that his only priority is his children but then as the days passed by I realize that my boyfriend and his ex live-in partner were starting to get close again.

    I started to nag him and he told me that I’m being too irrational accusing him of cheating…and one day he told me that he doesn’t want me anymore, and that he needed to go back with his ex so that they can start their family all over again…

    It was the most painful break up I had ever have…The most painful thing I’ve ever experienced…
    I was dumped…after all that I had sacrificed for him, he still chooses to hurt me…

    At that time, I didn’t know how to start again…I didn’t know what would happened to me after he would leave me..I almost built my world around him…

    But today, it’s been a month, and I realized that after all that happened he really wasn’t right for me, and that there are lots of opportunities out there. After all, I’m still young, I don’t need a man to live…and today I’m starting to fall in love again – not with another man, but with myself..:) and I learned that once you learn to accept things, then you learn to get over them…

  81. thea Post author

    Welcome. I am sorry to hear that your ex appears to have been, in some way, living a double life and not honest about his real situation. Three years is a long time to be “juggling” two worlds like he did. I can understand why it would be challenging and scary to move on from that.

    I loved your last paragraph though – once you do ACCEPT things are over – you can really start to get over them – is absolutely right. Some people choose to NEVER ACCEPT that it’s over. They carry a torch or pine for their ex – giving up on life, staring at a closed door on their past, never looking at the open window on their future.

    The healing process though – is one step forward, two steps back. Do not be surprised if some days you do ACCEPT it and other days you wake up SAD or ANGRY or CONFUSED or anything else. It’s only been a month…for a relationship that really meant something it can take a YEAR or even two to properly HEAL from it. That doesn’t mean you will be in PAIN that whole time – only that you may experience “setbacks”. That’s all. OK?

    So keep on looking for the wonderful opportunities in this challenging situation. You’ll find them.

    Good luck!

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  83. miserable


    So I am in the middle of perhaps the ultimate ‘trivial’ breakup — I say that because I am a senior in college and my EX is a sophomore (2 year age gap).

    We got together last semester and things were perfect until I got a job offer to work in California for the summer (we are both from the east coast). She desperately tried to get me to stay, even going so far as to get her Dad to offer me a job — which was a cute gesture on her part, but my job offer in California was too good from a long-term perspective to pass up.

    We attempted long distance, but after a month and a half she started to get distant and things changed. I felt like I was putting in all of the effort — she started ignoring my texts all day, never felt like talking or video chatting, and things just started spiraling downward.

    We ‘took a break,’ which I did not handle well (as I’m sure everyone knows the idea of your EX potentially sleeping around is not exactly comforting). We fought a lot, but eventually things started to work themselves out towards the end of my internship and we were on good terms.

    She started getting in touch with me again, and wouldn’t you know it — the day before I left for school, she texted me saying she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. At this point, I’m ecstatic of course.

    So I finally get around to seeing her last week at a party, and it was a terrible experience. We were friendly, but I could tell she was just not comfortable with where we were at.

    Finally we had a bit of a blowout argument later that night — I really struggled, both emotionally and in my job performance when the break started. I told her how unfair it was of her to tell me she missed me and still loved me and then when we finally do get around to seeing eachother, she was like a different person. Things got ugly, but I had to say it and I knew it really upset her. I was just tired of all of the mixed signals.

    Things eventually ended with her telling me she was too young for a serious relationship, needed space, and deleting me from her phone, which I only exasperated by reaching out to her and her friends for answers. I just can’t understand why she won’t give me the time of day after 2 months apart — I did everything she asked of me, and still it’s not enough.

    She sent me a long apology later that afternoon, saying she was sorry for everything but couldn’t be friends with me or talk more for now. She said we could say hello when we were out but that was all she was comfortable with for now. She asked me to please respect her choice and that she truly was sorry if I was hurt or mad at her.

    Her friends have actually been very kind to me about the whole thing (another reason why I’m still in shock, we spent the whole semester together, I’ve met her family and friends and they all loved me). They told me not to text her and just wait and see if she texts me, which I think is good advice.

    I tried a ‘rebound’ during our first week back at school, but all that did was compound the problem — as soon as we were done, all I could think about was my EX and how badly I would have rather been with her.

    I know that I have definitely pushed her limits and been a bit obsessive over the situation, but I also know I was just doing anything I could to hold on to the hope we could get back together. Now it feels like that hope has been crushed now that she’s finally ruled out getting back together (which she never did while I was in Cali).

    I have some attachment issues in my opinion — I do horribly with breakups, and have been burned in the past. I don’t want to become a jaded cynic about girls like most of my friends…but I have been miserable for almost 2 months now and it feels like there is no end in sight (at least until I graduate). I’ve contemplated suicide multiple times, but I doubt I have the stomach for that, and I don’t think I could do it to my family and friends, whom I know would be devastated.

    But at this point I just feel like I’m out of options, and I can’t move past her. It doesn’t help that we run with the same crowd, so I see her out at every party, not to mention she lives two blocks away from me. Her friends tell me she just needs space, and I know if I keep contacting her it will only push her away, but at this point I just don’t know what to do. I am miserable and it has unfortunately impacted every area of my life. I’ve stopped working out, smoke heavily (whereas was 3 months into a successful quitting spell before), and just feel down in general. I’ve never felt this terribly before or felt like there was no end in sight.

    Thanks for listening.

  84. thea Post author

    OK breathe….M….Break ups suck. Having to see each & live near each other sucks. Mutual friendships suck. All of it’s making it harder for you. There’s no escaping it.

    So of course you feel crappy. It’s only been 2 months which is nothing. Not when you’d invested a lot in the relationship….But you say you’re “crushed” well you’re not really – it just sometimes feels that way. You’re still here and frankly the WORDS you choose to describe your emotions DON’T ACTUALLY HELP. “I am devastated” is so much more emotive than “I’m challenged by this setback” you know? You will be fine. She will be fine.

    You back off, give her space, be the type of guy that her or any woman would want to be around. E.G. not some sniveling guy sitting around smoking tons of cigarettes listening to emu bands or whatever. Get on that healing path and think about the type of person YOU would like to be around – and start being that person yourself.

    Someone who’s kind, funny, sociable, empathetic, interesting, healthy, ambitious, creative –> whatever attributes you admire in others.

    This girl, if you give her space, may very well change her mind. She may not but she may. You gotta do this stuff for you not for any veiled attempts to be getting her back.

    She is much more likely to miss you, if you are seen to be getting on with your life. I say, foster some friendships OUTSIDE your circle. Not saying ditch your current circle completely, but re-connect with some people you lost touch with. Foster some acquaintances on your courses.

    As cool as her friends are, avoid them, don’t call on them for support – that will only serve to piss her off completely.

    Give up the smokes man. You did it before you can do it again today. Starting right now. This moment. Put the cigarette out and find a new way of de-stressing. Before you end up wasting 1000 bucks a year on that rubbish. Think of something better you could put that money into – a trip to Sydney. LOL. I don’t know but certainly 1000 or 1200 or 1550 bucks or whatever it is – could be better spent on that sort of stuff. Most chicks, I reckon, don’t want to be around smokers (an opinion that’s biased I’d admit)…

    Again become that which you want to attract in your life – you really can and WILL get through this and no – suicide is not the answer. It happened on our forum some years ago. It was devastating. This totally darling English chap 26 or so years old. A creative guy, a writer, a musician (guitar) and suffering a break up and the loss of his father – and BAM! It upset so many of us all because if only you lot could see the HOPE that out there. If you could see your future and all that good that’s coming your way you’d not even consider it. Not for a second.

    Man you have amazing stuff on your horizon. I can tell. Internships in California? That speaks volumes. For now, please get your head back in your subject and make the absolute most of this final year. I went through a split with my “first love” between Junior and Senior year too. He was my first EVERYTHING and I was his. It was a challenging start to the year but also one of the best years of my life because of my circle of friends…who I am still friends with nearly 2 decades later.

    They made it for me. We were all COMS majors. We would go to eat, see films, study, hit comedy clubs, go to parties, we just made the most of it and I highly suggest you do the same.

    Make a vow for me now to make this your best year Y E T. Write that on your wall and look at it every night when you go to bed and every morning when you get up.


    Believe it. Have some goals for this year and next.

    Where do you want to live? How well do you want to do in school? What would be your dream company to work for? What would be HAPPY look like to you? What would being SUCCESSFUL look like? And how would you feel if you were “over it” right now? Just imagine! You’d both be able to be friends, wish each other well, the awkwardness would be gone…

    Focus on that and you’ll create it kiddo.

    You’re ok. Just work through the emotions and you will come out of the dark tunnel into the light as each day passes!


  85. miserable

    I have to say you’re quite good at this. Just reading the response got me fired up to get back on track towards my goals, career-wise, socially, and whatever. 🙂

    But I also got some closure tonight. One of her best guy friends was over and told me she slept with his roommate this week after I came.

    Given my prior story and wording I suppose it would be easy to assume I’d be at a complete loss right now. But I’m not. Somehow it’s giving me a sense of closure. Even when we had our big blowout argument, she insisted she wasn’t involved with anyone. I know it was naive to assume this, but whatever helps you cling on when you’re in that deep you know? I always suspected, but at least now I know for certain.

    I’m sure there’s a long way towards healing, but the sooner I start the better. Thank you very much for the kind words — this has been the darkest time in my life, but I know now I need to push past it.

    – m

  86. neverlearns

    Hi Thea,

    Thank you for your blog. I have sat here reading it since 3 am today. My story is not new to me, I have been on and off with this guy for over 6 years. We were inseparable. Now, it kills me that he can not fit me into his life. It changed when I gave him an ultimatum last year and moved away back home hoping he would miss me and ask me to come back. He didn’t. I had a horrible time overseas and returned to my adopted land and to him… but only to continue in the off/on as he could never commit to me.
    He said his priorities have shifted and he only wants to concentrate on work and his children. He was the center of my universe and the reason for me to be here. I am so lost, I feel everything I done has not been enough and he has left me doubting my own self-worth and ability to be loved. Maybe when he was saying all the good things he was lying, as if I was that good he would be with me.
    I can’t see the plan anymore, I don’t have one. When I was back home with my family I got really depressed and hurted the relationships with my family and friends who could not understand why I was so unhappy. I came back here hoping I could make life the way I thought it should be, but I am all alone again and have no reason to be here in this country anymore.
    I am afraid I will get sick again and I will destroy myself. I kept hitting myself and thinking about killing myself when I was back home and the only thing that made it better was to be close to him. Now… I am back without him and I am scared that self-hatred is still there.
    Funny thing I work in mental health, and it can be hard to get antidepressants because they stay in your records.
    BTW Can’t go to work today, after a whole day crying my eyes are swallen and it is not a pretty sight.
    I guess I can’t get over how he cannot have room for me in his life. I left everything for me, he left nothing and while I am picking up the pieces, he will just be continuing with his well organized life.
    I am resenting him for that.

  87. thea Post author

    Well it sounds like he needs some time and space. It sounds like he felt pressured by the relationship. Relying on anyone outside of ourselves is dangerous. He’s not your source for joy, good health, and happiness YOU ARE. The only way you will really ever be happy in a relationship is if you can master the one with SELF first.

    You are only flawed and human like the rest of us. We are all just works in progress. If you don’t like you, how on earth do you expect anyone else to? My point is stop hitting and hurting yourself and start loving yourself. You’ll find that others will begin to do so too.

    Our relationships with others are always manifested from how we feel about that SELF of ours. Stop your sobbing. Start focusing on a plan to get better. Do this for YOU not to get him back. It may be a bi-product of the self improvement but it can’t be your motivation for living and growing. That has to be done for you.

    Ask yourself – are you the kind of person any man would want to be with…loving, healthy, happy, ambition, fun, confident, sexy, etc? If not then start working on you. If you get the actual meds – why not find some healthy herbal versions to use as a pick me up. Other things can work – exercise, meditation, comedy clubs (laughter is great medicine!)

    Think back to a time (before him) when you were really happy. What was it that made you happy. And if you can’t remember a time then look back at your past to find the source of what started to make you so unhappy. Was it parents? Was it school? Where did the issues start? Address some of those issues then let the go and embrace the U of today. OK?

    Find your joy. It’s in you not in him or anyone else. OK? Hang in there x

  88. sameera

    hey thea,
    i need ur help too…recently i got dumped by my ex after 10 yrs relationship…i was 8 yrs younger to him and always fond of him and started to date him when was just 13. Recently, i got dumped because of his family issues…he gave me up without even trying…i never imagined this would happen as i have been imagining a life with him since childhood now i am very hurt and i told my mom everything, he is my moms brother son and cousin marriage is kinda forbidden in hindus.

    She scolded him as considering i was only child then and he was mature enough…he didnt even try to inform his family about him as recently his sister got divorced and his family is already stressed out…I feel very angry,hurt and betrayed and i really dont know how to move on…everything i have always loved and wanted is over now and he still claims to love me but says couldn’t do anything, and i hate him more for that!!!

  89. thea Post author

    Well it sounds so complicated indeed. There are so many different issues going on here – age gaps, family relationships, taboo areas and of your youth. By my calculations you are early 20s? After investing half of your life and it not working out, it’s no wonder you’re left feeling so angry hurt confused etc.

    Sounds like it’s early days yet for this experience. It’s my true hope that eventually you will be able to work through the negative emotions and find peace and gratitude for the time spent with this person. You got a lot out of it. You learned about love, life, family, relationships. Maybe, just maybe you’ll eventually be able to get to the place where like me, you will realise the relationship lasted EXACTLY as long as it was supposed to (not a minute more or less) and that it will have been for your highest good.

    I don’t know much about Hindu principles but getting to a peaceful place about all of this – that should be a universal aim regardless of who we are or what transpired.

    Did he set out to hurt you? Did he take advantage of you? What is your anger about? That he chose “family” (his mother’s decision) over you? How do you feel he betrayed you? I suspect he loved you and probably still does. I also suspect he’s hurting and missing you too (on some level). I don’t suppose it’s been easy for him either.

    It sounds like it’s your first real heartbreak (I blogged about that just yesterday here). I know it’s really painful but you’re going to be OK. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and work through the healing process. None of us knows where the path is taking us. We have to just surrender and trust. If you’re meant to be with this cousin, in due course you will be. If not, then there will be someone else, who maybe is more close to you in age and who is NOT related to you (therefor won’t be banned).

    Maybe, just maybe, this is an absolute blessing in disguise. Could you, just for one moment ponder that? Imagine it just for ONE MINUTE. What your future would like – on a day when you’re over this painful experience, happy, and feeling total love and peace once more.

    As they say as one door closes, a window opens. As hurt as you are right now – let the seed of opportunity be planted in your psyche. Maybe just maybe something AMAZING that you cannot see at this second will happen for you. You take care, mediate on forgiveness and release this. Go on to be happy and loving again. x

  90. sameera

    yes i am angry because he thought of his family after 10 years being involved….he should have thought that before and not now…… was like i was about to reach my dream and t was snatched away and the worse part is that it was not because of my parents because of him backing off without eben trying………….

    and yes, thanku for giving me the positive aspect maybe i will have a better partner in future who will never let me go whatever happens….

    thanks alot thea,its really nice of u to help people wth whom u have no concern thanku:)

    i have my exams next month and i can hardly focus:( all day i spent talking and laughing more than usual which is making me hollow from insde i just hope this time passes as soon as possible and i stop thinking of that person…..who just acted like a looser acc to me,no matter what his family crisis is….he is going to get maried eventually and he should have thought that long before….thanks thea anyway u r a nice lady:)

    and yes your guess is right i am 21 yrs old,and he didnot choose his mother,he didnot even bother to let them know his choice like i said didnt even try………….god help me:) i will move on…yes i will and i must!!!my life is too precious to be spent on tears and not for a person like him at least……

    i think hes going to get engaged too soon as his family is looking for a girl for him ………..i really dont think so i am in a phase to accept this so soon….!!god i feel horrible!!!!being family i will have to see it live happening………why life is not like movies!!!!:(((((

  91. Ugh

    Can I just say I find it oddly comforting to read all these replies and know I’m not alone?

    I was with my ex for 6 years, and wouldn’t you know it, we broke up on our anniversary. It was mostly my doing (giving an ultimatum because I felt that we were going no where), and he made his choice to leave. I feel like I’m doing relatively okay, all things considered… I mean, we were together ages 19-25 and at this age that honestly feels like damn near forEVER.

    I keep myself busy with my master’s degree and the new friends I’ve made; I am exercising more now than I ever did before, and I did some new things that I had never done (like a 5k race). Every now and then though, I just feel like I suddenly want to throw up or collapse on the ground helpless. It’s been less than a month since the breakup and I have a sad feeling that this will last some time. It’s so hard right now for me to feel attractive, or interesting, or like I will ever find someone else. I feel like these years amounted to a giant waste of time and now that I’ll soon be out of my school years, I’ve missed the boat in finding a partner. We were so close, but not quite, and it frustrates me so much inside that I got tired of settling. If I could still settle just a little bit, we’d probably still be together. And so I begin hating myself for bringing this upon me and for feeling “picky” because I’m afraid that nobody will ever match up quite right for me.

    It helps to type some of this out though. I hope I see the light eventually.

  92. thea Post author

    Wow, well you actually sound good, if a little helpless/hopeless about it all – which is totally understandable. And you know, for what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing to not settle. So don’t berate yourself for being “picky”. It is early days yet it wasn’t a waste at all…it lasted exactly as long as it was supposed to and who knows where this path is taking you. You just can’t see it from where you’re standing. But trust me, I know. It was six formative years for you. You learned a lot. You grew a lot. You got a lot out of the time with your ex. Maybe it you will be able to take away with you things about yourself that can be improved upon. You know? I can almost guarantee that you will see the LIGHT soon. I have a good feeling about you. Something tells me that you’re a survivor and that you’re gonna bounce back to something much better…(even if it’s with the same guy!)

    Keep the faith – keep repeating – “every day in every way I’m getting better and better.”

  93. SadGirl

    Hi thea,
    I would like to say that im really happy that i have found such website, so i can spill it out a lil bit.
    I met my ex-calling him my ex even hurts me- 1 and a half year ago and we just celebrated our first anniversary 2 weeks ago.
    Before our relationship started we were friends, he made me laugh so bad most of the time and i never thought he could be interested in me.One day he came to me tellling me that he wants to marry me, i was so shocked.I told him that we barely know each other etc but have to admit that i was so impressed when he claimed his intentions right at the beginning.
    I always told him that its so early we still need to know each other better etc but meanwhile he was so determined.We live in different continents so we even looked for houses for future online.
    I kept telling him that dont be that sure, you dont know what will happen in the future we just try to know each other while he was so determined saying that he would marry me eventually.
    He kept showing me all the details about a wedding and a marriage.We even discussed the place that our kids will be educated in!
    We have a 11 years of age difference.This was my first relationship, im so clumsy and immature.He treated me bad so many times but i always took it.he is rude and everything to me but – i know its so silly- i kept thinkin he will get better.
    We have been dealing with some issues for some months, after i discovered he is lying to me.From that point i tried to make him confess but he got so aggressive and i was the one blamed.
    Now he doesnt answer my calls, and i called him like million times cause i just cant give up on him.I saw him online calling another girl some word that he used to tell me.Now i barely can breathe,I am so jealous and it kills me thinking that he might call another one like that.

    Its funny cause i have been thinking that he doesnt treat me as i deserve all this time and thought about a break up, then i thought he might be the one so i should give some effort on this, he left me.
    He was the one planning about a marriage but seems like while i was thinking on it i got used to that idea so bad.
    I know time heals, but im so sensitive, in fact i might be the most stupid girl ever who would tear herself after a relationship like this.
    But it HURTS.Im a college student i have my finals so soon but i cant even go to classes,yesterday i was just sitting there triying to think about something else in class.I just burst into tears and i dont know i feel like my body hurts cant describe where exactly but im physically in pain.
    I went inside my car from class and cried there for many hours.
    My therapist told me that i should do more activities, i barely come home i hang up with my friends and everything but i just cant stop thinking over it.Sometimes i want to get drunk or get numb by something but its forbidden in my religion.
    I admire people who can finish a relationship cause of one word, or even they are in pain cause of a break up who deals with many stuff on their daily lives.
    Im not one of them.Im in pain.My whole life just stopped i dont do nothing.I dont eat, nothing makes me feel good now.
    I hate being so weak, he probably doesnt even care and i screw my life over him.
    I keep asking myself why, why do i do this.I have everything i need in my life, my family showed so much love to me, im still their princess.I know im precious for my friends.But why im so hurt that i might even think of ending my life over someone who probably didnt even love me.
    Please dont mind my english im not a native english speaker, i dont know i just tried to spill it out a lil bit.
    And please someone tell me, what to do while your physically and mentally in pain and you just cant get rid of him in your thoughts.Im our of tears in my eyes.I feel like im done..

  94. Bonnie

    It’s such a cliche, but it feels good to know I’m not alone.

    My live-in boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me today via email. Even now in my grief, I’m thinking, “Who does that??!”. To clarify, he’s not currently in town (more on that below), but I really wish he had the decency to tell me in person either before he left, or after he returned.

    We were really different people, the whole ‘opposites attract’ schtick. When it worked, it felt great… it was like we were giving each other new perspective and outlook. And when it didn’t… it was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

    Four months ago, we decided to move in together. I am in the only name on the lease. I also come from an ultra-conservative family, and so I risked their ire and told them about the living situation. It was awful. Tears were shed all around, my father stopped speaking to me.

    Two months ago, we attended my sister’s wedding in France. I paid for both of us to go. My father didn’t say much to us the entire time. The boyfriend feels disrespected. When we returned to New York, he said he wanted to move back home to Denver. This threw me for a loop; I just signed a lease, I wasn’t prepared to go anywhere.

    One month ago, the situation hasn’t changed. He wants to leave, and he wants to leave as soon as he can, whether I go or not. I am dealing with multiple issues of my own. My parents were still unhappy with me, I had recently lost my job, and I began to have heart palpitations at night. I have a hard time making a decision.

    Two weeks ago, his grandmother is rushed to the hospital. It is bad. I tell him to get home as quickly as possible. We will figure out our situation later, and I will help him cover his job while he is away.

    Two days ago, he writes to ask about my decision about moving. I reply and tell him that he has not once spoken about what our life in Denver would be, only his life. I need to know his commitment before I make a life-changing decision to move.

    Today, he writes and tells me that he doesn’t think I should go out there, and that he has no immediate plans of returning to New York. I feel deserted emotionally. I feel used, as I lent him $3,500 last year. I feel trapped in the apartment that was supposed to be for both of us, which I am now liable for rent on.

    I’ve known heartbreak before, but this one feels so bad because I feel so betrayed. I can’t believe that someone I’ve been with for four years would treat me like this.

  95. thea Post author

    I can understand why you feel hurt, betrayed, gutted etc…it’s never nice when someone chooses to leave us – let alone when it’s done seemingly so ‘out of the blue’ via email. I know I got chucked by the so-called love of my life over a Trans Atlantic call FOUR DAYS before I was going back to the UK…so you can imagine how FUN that flight back was??? I was so angry on how he chose to end it, to not wait to do it face to face etc too – but later on the method he chose to end it wasn’t really a big deal. The result was the same – I was history. Dumping people is challenging at the best of times. I am sure in his mind he did what he thought was kindest because, as he put it “I thought you would want your dad there” or words to that effect…but of course my dad, God love him, is useless when it comes to the emotional support. Not how he was raised! Ha.

    Your guy loves/loved you and cared for you. He spoke his truth in that not wanting to go back there and as painful as that is to hear when you’re RAW it’s also pretty admirable. I can’t tell you how many guys have just gone AWOL on me at times. Literally just stopped responding / calling / texting / emailing – whoosh GONE. So at least he had the balls to just say “I don’t think you should come out.” Imagine you did go out and he dumped you. I know you’re landed with Rent now all by yourself…but better you’re in your home then far away. (Trust me, the one before my so-called-loved-of-my-life) dumped me 7000 miles from home 3.5 years after I left California to live with him in the UK. No fun that.

    So though it feels CRAP right now and will for the foreseeable there really are some positives here. That said i can find the positive spin on just about anything…and do you know when I learned that? When I was dumped by that so-called-love….I learned the trait of looking for the GOOD in everything when I was at Rock Bottom.

    So now you get to repair the relationship with your dad, you’ll heal and bounce back to something better romance wise. You’re not dumped 2000 miles from “home”. Yes you maybe are deserted emotionally but let’s face it – the only person in life we can count on, the only one who is responsible for our emotional well being is US – no one else. He’s gotta live his authentic life and you yours. If he’s feeling the relationship’s not right then so much better to know now that to have him “go through the motions” with you, marry, have kids, etc.

    It’s not ideal but I really have a sense this thing will be the making of you! You, not unlike me, will find inner strength you never knew you had. People kept saying how strong and courageous I was being back at my biggie break up – and I felt anything but, but I guess I was. I am here and I found a way to turn that pain into gain for me. You will for you too. I have a feeling. Hang in there x

  96. tryingtobepositive

    Thea, you are doing a fantastic job. It is comforting to read your replies to those who are suffering. Breaking up with someone is never going to be easy, mine is an ordinary tale – he left our home 2 month’s ago after 4 years together and is busy reverting to laddish behaviour, attending strip clubs, telling the world on facebook what a happy time he is having (methinks the lady doth protest too much). I’m very sad and it is especially hard over Christmas. My friends have been incredibly supportive so I just wanted to say to those out there struggling, use your family and your friends, they will be happy to help you.

    The reason I am able to be so positive is because my marriage of 10 years failed (7 years ago) and I managed to survive and pick up the pieces then, so I know that the same will happen this time and I will find happiness but I just need to mourn the loss of this relationship first. It is very hard when you believed you had it all sewn up only to find you were mistaken! Good luck all of you and listen to what Thea says, she makes a lot of sense.

  97. thea Post author

    Thanks for the positive feedback. I don’t get as much time as I’d like to write people individually. Been pretty busy. You’re right breaking up is never easy. So you’re two months out of four years. That’s still early days. And he’s reacting very “normally” to the break up. I suspect it will get “old” in due course the laddish behavior.

    >> so I just wanted to say to those out there struggling, use your family and your friends, they will be happy to help you.

    Sound advice to be sure. If you have them…call on them. You’re lucky you do have them. I am too, thankfully.

    But recovery also seems like a SKILL that can be learned. I’ve learned it. I know the drill. We can all learn it.

    >> The reason I am able to be so positive is because my marriage of 10 years failed (7 years ago) and I managed to survive and pick up the pieces then, so I know that the same will happen this time and I will find happiness but I just need to mourn the loss of this relationship first…<< You're right...that's it. You mourn the loss, you grow and heal and move on - eventually. In however long that takes... You take care x

  98. Anne Roy

    I was ‘dumped’ after 5 years together during which I got divorced, he got divorced but still struggled with the final financial settlement and our parting was due to the animosity held by his family despite the fact that both he & I were separated before we ever met one another.

    He is part of the family business, worth approx 25 million quid and the other family members were threatening to make his shares invalid (which they could legally do due to the nature of the partnership that was set up).

    But he is still around … does all my home repairs, fixes my p.c. … has dinner with me a few times a month … we no longer have an intimate relationship but he tells me all about what is going on in his life … he is still living alone …

    He owns 26% of the business and that is a lot of money to walk away from … sigh

  99. thea Post author

    That is a bummer really – irrespective of the monetary aspect. Five years together is a long time. Sorry to hear that it has ended and that it appears to have a lot to do with family but it’s nice you can spend time together as friends isn’t it? Better than him buggering off, finding someone new etc.

    How would you feel if he did meet someone and began talking about her to you? That’s the way to tell if you really are ready to be friends…hearing about someone else doesn’t feel like your heart’s being ripped out and stomped on!

    Hang in there. x

  100. Tamanna

    we were best friends for two years & then were in a relationship for 2.5 yrs..i knew from the beginning that we wil not end up together because of family problems but he convinced me that it will be fine so we went ahead..everything was good till june 2011 when his exam result came & he was not selected for his choice of course; he was devastated after all his dream has was crushed..then he went away and joined his family business…

    we continued the long distance relationship ;their were a lot of ups & downs..he grew jealous (sumthing he never was), he always feared that i wud find sum1 new & leave him as i was about to start my new year @ b-school..we started fighting a lot but in the end we still loved each other so it dint matter but everything changed in december 2011..he went to his cousin’s marriage & after that he was not the same person…

    he started avoiding me, wont take my calls, wont reply to my msgs & mails..just tell me that I need some time to figure out everything..he said that “I am in a depressed state and that I need to figure out a way to get out of this on my own”..I asked him to let me help him..he after 2 months of calling him again & again asking him the reason he’s doing this, does he still love me etc.. he always maintained that we are fine & the moment he’s ready he will come back to me & that he loves me and then, suddenly out of nowhere he dropped the bomb that “I am in love with someone else. I met her at the cousin’s wedding. I have never felt like this for anyone. She’s my soulmate…my search for the soulmate has finally ended.. I want to spend my entire life with her…Please move on..I am sorry but you can’t force me to love you..I can’t connect with you anymore..I am not in a relationship with her right now but will be in future”.

    I am devastated because he was my world; we understood each other so well..I feel like the whole my world has crumpled..I dont know how to move on…I stopped myself from callign him..didnt call him for 20 days with the hope that it will affect him..but it dint so i called him yesterday & now am back to square 1..

    I literally begged him to come back but he refused..what do i do?? how do i get over him?? how do i acceot that its finally over & nothing I do will either effect him or change his mind???how?? everything i do, every movie i watch, every song i listen 2 everything reminds me of him..d worst part rt nw i am doing my internship & living in the same house where we were literally livin togthr, where we kissed & shared many beautiful moments togther..i cant move away from that place…

    he was my first ever relationship…The first guy i kissed or had sex with…am not able to forget him..also am not able to understand 1 thing y am i finding so difficult 2 move on when in my heart i knew that this wont last forever??

    also how can he possibly move on while he was still in relationship with me? i really want to get over him because it’s affecting my whole life, my career (have already screwed my 2 terms @ clg & my internship) every sphere of my existence…what do i do?? am so scared, all my friends have been very very supportive, but the huge void is sucking me in..Am losing all hopes & this break-up is slowly killing me 4m trying very hard 2 keep myself busy but its not helping as i end up thinking about him & dat 2 a lot..i keep hoping that he will come back though he has clearly said that he wont I still i keep hoping…what do i do..please help me!

  101. kristine

    i had a bf for 3 years. he was my first bf.
    i have met his family.They treated me well. The parents even call me from time to time and ask me how am i doing with my school and my life?

    i go visit my ex’s house when the parents invites me, most of the time all of the members of the family are their to entertained me.

    last nov. 2011 my ex meet a co-worker they got drunk and had sex. the girl left her bf just to be with my ex, the girl fights with my ex in order to broke up with me, but he never did.

    by feb. 2012, we broke up because the girl got pregnant.
    by march 26 2012, they got married.
    my ex told me he was not sure with the girl because they dont get along.(easily jealous, angry, impatient, small problems starts a fight, nagger)

    its still a month after my breakup, im still in pain of negative feedback by my ex parents. they told me it was my fault that i never got the chance to introduce him to my parents, they also told me that our status level was not intended for us since they are poor and im am rich.(my family background, i have bred, educated from foreign school, and as the eldest i deal with my family business.)
    would it be my fault that he cheated on me? or from the start we were never was?

    im trying my best to move on but they are issues that i feel its my fault.
    my ex’s father told with my last contact a month a good that he is so thankful that i have move on!.
    its painful to hear this message for now its not easy.

    my ex’s gf keeps on telling lies about me. i have heard alot of negative feedback from the family for now i dont bother
    to listen anymore. so that i wont get hurt.
    hope karma will come.
    their so mean to me.
    only god knows what i have done to him and his family.

  102. thea Post author

    Hello hon I am so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I really feel the struggle you’re experiencing. He was your first and that’s often the WORST because you don’t have a road map or gauge to know how it’s going. It’s still early days yet and you have a bumpy road ahead but you are going to get past this you really are. It’s just going to take time, effort and the right attitude to overcome the pain.

    It’s very common for people to begin to DETACH while in the relationship and that was what was going on here. So it seemed to be quite sudden to you but not for him.

    Nothing does last forever – but that’s a good thing because it means the pain won’t either you know? You’re finding it difficult because it’s still so EARLY in the recovery process. You’re still sorting through the experience the range of emotions etc and that takes time to process.

    You did the begging it didn’t work. Now try the other tactic and that’s accepting he’s moved on so you should too! No man (or woman) is ever worth us having to BEG for. If he doesn’t love you and see your worth and want to be with you then – good riddance. Some other wonderful person will. They really will.

    Your ex was right – you should move on. You can’t coerce him to stay (nor should you want to).

    You can’t see or even imagine beyond this pain right now but do trust me on that. There will be other men and other situations in your future. You’ve got a lifetime ahead of you here.

    So take your focus and put it back on yourself – your studies your internship and make something of yourself. Make something of your future. Be the wonderful confident engaging person that draws people to them automatically. If it doesn’t result in bringing him back, then it will attract and even more wonderful person to you.

    Go easy on yourself just now. You need to treat yourself like your best friend who needs support.

    I know it SUCKS right now but find the little things that make you happy. Meditate. Take a walk. Call a friend. See your fave film. Swim. Knit. Do whatever it is that helps you lose track of time.

    I am thinking of you xx

  103. Tamanna

    I only have one question how do i make myself accept d fact that its OVER & dat he’s no longer der bcoz m really nt able to accept dat…its been 3 months since me & nw my ex hv properly talked… still i hvnt accepted it..maybe till nw because i had a hope but now after him tellin me dat he’s in love wid sumone els…i dont even have that hope so why am i still clinging 2 it?? how do i make myself belive dat its over & how do i let go?? i really want to nw since i hv no choice bt 2 live on aidout him and how do i fill in the huge void that has been created..i hv started writin also..m pennin dwn most of my thots but it dsnt really help bcoz m in d tears most of d tym..i dnt laugh nymore..i dnt njoy doin nythin includin my hobbies…wat do i do?? I want my lyf back on track..i dnt want 2 mourn over him ny longer…

  104. thea Post author

    I am sorry I’d have an easier time responding to your post if I could read it. The “text speak” (abbreviated writing) is very hard to comprehend.

    I don’t think we can MAKE ourselves do or feel anything. It’s been only 3 months. It takes time to process emotions, pain, disappointments etc. You just have to take it from one moment at a time.

    You can maybe remind yourself it is over because he is not here. He is not in your life. He is not there for you and you only welcome people to your life who ARE there for you.

    The void you express will need to be filled by you – by your choices you make, who you spend time with, how you spend your time (even if alone), and it’s GREAT that you’re writing. Getting those thoughts out will be very cathartic.

    It’s still early days yet – so keep doing the right things and eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, hobbies and all.

    Hope eventually fades. When we’re in the middle of the rawness we can’t imagine a time when we won’t feel that way but eventually, often in spite of ourselves, we heal.

    You take care, you’re doing better than you realise. In six months when you read back over what you wrote it will be like a different person wrote it! xx

  105. David

    Dear Thea:
    I just wanted to say how helpful your kind-hearted but realistic advice has been for me.
    To be brief, I’m a 50 yo confirmed bachelor who feels like I’ve been through hundreds of divorces.
    But, my last gf, we we together 1.5 years. She always wanted to marry me, but I was always thinking about it. Which I was.
    When I was ready, she had met someone else.
    Thea, it has been almost 5 months of near-constant crying, eating very little and very bad thoughts. I have never reacted this way in my life.
    I know I will recover, but for now, I’m shaking, starving and crying and have to be at work soon (in a highly professional atmosphere).
    Thank you for listening….

  106. thea Post author

    Wow five months of being in such pain. Really though it sounds like she was someone you were treating as a possibility but you weren’t taking it that seriously or you would have wanted to be with her. It almost reads that you only wanted her AFTER she moved on to someone else.

    When it comes to commitments you either know it or you don’t. Sounds like this is a wonderful thing because it freed her up to find someone who loves her and wanted to commit fully to her and it frees you up now, to heal and do the same.

    Try to dig deeper, be honest with yourself, there was a reason you were hesitant why you weren’t leaning towards committing. You say you were together for a year and a half. When did it end?

    I know it feels rubbish that we don’t know what we got til it’s gone…but sometimes it’s a case of we simply want what we can’t have.

    Start to forgive yourself for not being ready, for her moving on, and realise it’s gone the way it’s supposed to. Exactly. Work on the healing, sorting any issues that may have let to your being a 50-yo bachelor, and become the guy that any woman would be lucky to be with. That strong, empathetic, ambitious, secure, loving guy. Either she will come back into your life or someone even better will.

    Please buck up and keep the faith OK? It’s time to get a grip, to eat right, to get proper sleep, to stop the crying and start writing. Channel that agony into something positive. Find some positive, thought-provoking books that enrich you mind.

    The good news about all of this is that just because she may have walked away which you had NO CONTROL OF, you do have control with what you choose to do every minute of your day. What you think. How you decided to “process” this experience. Whether or not you become bitter, jaded, sad and resentful or the opposite.

    You’re still worthy. You’re still lovable. There are times your ex thinks of you and misses you even with her Mr New. The relationship was a gift as well as its ending. Your job is to find the gifts from both experiences. OK? Hang in there. x

  107. Tamanna

    Dear Thea,
    I have been following religiously whatever you have told me and I think I have finally accepted the truth but I am experiencing a lot of phases in a single day..I am really depressed in the mornings but as the day passes I become my normal self & am actually fine at night but then the next day comes. Is this normal?
    How do I tackle it? I have to go to work in the mornings and I am not able to concentrate during initial hours…
    And will this pass away too? & how do I know how am i doing as in how well am i handling the break-up because I really don’t want to waste anymore of my time on this? I guess i am very tired now but theses memories keep coming to haunt me now & then & especially at times when I am super-excited or extremely happy.
    I still have nightmares about him & do wake up thinking about him. Is it okay? & yeah I still really want to call him and do stop myself with great effort (thinking that he will again repeat the same things & I don’t want to hear them again)

  108. thea Post author

    I am sorry I’ve not replied. Life is getting in the way over here in Rainy Scotland.

    Sorry you’re still feeling depressed and distracted. Both, I believe, will pass for you in time.

    I tell you what I do when I start to feel down is I put on or maybe watch an Oprah #Lifeclass or listen to a positive / motivational type speaker…Dr Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle. I’ve listened to the likes of them so often I pretty much know them by heart. So even a short burst of one of the above takes me out of my sadness before I fall too far in the HOLE!

    I also go run or bike to get my Endorphins swimming around inside me. Healthy high.

    You are sounding good even though you don’t feel that great. It’s just a process. It takes time. I’ve had the lingering sadness off and on for a year before in my past. But the older I get the more practice I have now of cutting off sadness before it envelopes me. My down times are a lot less.

    Sending you positive vibes. Really check out some of the names above on Google / Youtube. OK?

    Fill your brain with positive things!! Set some goals. Find stuff in your future to FOCUS your attention on.

    Travel! Write. Meditate. Laugh. Talk. Love. Be near nature. xx

  109. Tamanna

    Just wanted to tell you that I have heard that my ex is soon going to marry his new girlfriend..its not even been few months & he’s already talking about marriage. This news has devastated me & I am not able to understand, how to react & what to do. I don’t understand how can he move on so quickly.. I still am getting used to the fact that he’s not there & this news have obviously upset me & my plan of getting over him. I am terribly upset and just don’t know how am i gonna survive this..Please help me..I feel so used and betrayed and cheated. He always told me that he will not be marrying before 30; he is 26 right now. and right now he is not only ready but also seeking approval from his parents. He is a family friend that’s why I keep getting updates about him. I don’t want to know what is happening in his life but….I cant even tell my parents about him…
    Thank you for being there to support me, I can’t tell u how grateful i am..Don’t know what would have I done without you..Thanks a lot

  110. thea Post author

    Tam! Ooof! Yep been there. Found out my ex was engaged 3 mos after we split and he married her 8 most later.

    And I was GUTTED. In fact the idea for this very site was hatched the weekend he married her!!

    And I guess it must be 12 years later and they’re together and you know what I AM GLAD. I am glad because he stayed with a woman who he felt was his soul mate. He didn’t dump me for some FLING. It was something real.

    So yeah you’re gutted now but you won’t always be – unless you CHOOSE to be! I just knew – even in the depths of my pain I needed to forgive him and her (and myself too a bit) in order to move on from the pain. And I did.

    Sounds like you need to avoid the updates as much as you can.

    Focus on your own healing, forgiving, moving on and loving again some day.

    What he does is now no longer any of your business and vice versa.

    Remember that the best REVENGE is living well. So let THAT be your goal.

    Much love and positive vibes x

  111. Kristine

    Hi thea, I just read all your advice and would most probably try them. I’m also struggling right now.this is just the 2nd day since I decided to go cold turkey as what one of my friend said. So my story is I used to see my boss. After a lot of discoveries from his past (dealt drugs, pictures of prostitutes) I started to get curious. Until I noticed condoms disappearing, coke in his medicine bottle, Ecstasy and Viagra. I confronted him about it and he said he’s not an addict and never cheated. Until he got me pregnant, aborted coz he said he is not ready.

    After 4 months, while he was on vacation, he dumped me because he can’t deal with me verifying where he really is. Then he said we should be friends. And that I have a special place in his heart and that it would break his heart to see me with someone else. So I stayed as a friend.

    He dumped me Aug 2011. Still hung out in his place on weekends and talked everyday. My instincts would tell me he’s brought a girl at his place on a Saturday night coz we would usually hangout Sundays. I saw strands of hair on his bed and bathroom asked if there was a girl he denied. And a lot more that would evidently prove he is seeing people.

    Our arguments had gone very harsh because I kept asking, he kept saying he’s not doing anything and he feels trapped because of me. Until I actually saw a pic at some website that he was at a club with a girl. He said that girl she just met and seen just 2 times. That’s when it hit me. He was really already going out and seeing people. Yet here I was hoping that we’ll get back together after sometime.

    When I started to analyze about the past months, he would always text me before and after work during weekends and always skips Saturdays then act like nothing happened each time we talk on Sundays. So I got so tired of the situation. Told him let’s not talk. Even in the office lets avoid each other. Then he goes back saying again, he wants me as a friend and we can still talk. Then I admitted, I told him I never wanted you just as a friend. The whole time since August I tried to move on but feelings kept coming back. And I just can’t anymore after seeing that you are already meeting people buying them drinks and who knows what else happened.

    Then he said he can’t understand why that’s a problem since we’ve broken up for months. I told him that’s because I had always hoped. Then he said, you were my best friend. I said you have a special place in my heart because you are my closest friend. I said my heart will break if I see you with someone else because you won’t have time for me, as your friend. I brought you Stuff you like because You are a friend. Offered you money wven if you don’t need it because i want To help on some of my friend’s responsibilities.

    When he said that I don’t know if I would still believe him. He might have really meant to be just a friend or he also was hoping. But I don’t think I can still bear much more pain. So I still said, we need to not talk and actually make the breakup happen.

    So now is the 3rd day of not talking. But my big prob is I see him in the office. I can’t leave because there’s a big chance for promotion waiting for me. I am really devastated. I feel mixed emotions. Sometimes I feel all the anger when I realize all his lies, sometimes really worthless when i think of the fact that is already meeting people although he said he meets people not for relationships. I’m still scared of the fact that it might end up with one.

    Sad when I feel lonely that I have no one to talk to and share my life with everyday now and lastly still thinking what he really felt for me. Does he want to keep me as a friend because he knows we can’t be together because of work and rumors and how it would affect both our promotions.

    Now I’m dreading going to work everyday. I’m still having a hard time sleeping and waking up thinking about everything.

    What do you think of my situation, and how do I go about it so I see the positive and stop hurting?

  112. thea Post author

    Hello K,

    I don’t have a ton of time but wanted to write down some quick notes.

    First of all – you’re not the first woman to hold on to HOPE that something would happen again with your ex but really it’s never a wise move to try to be PALS in the hopes of it leading back to something more. It’s meant that to HIM the relationship was over nearly a year ago and to you – 3 days ago! You were mentally still in that relationship while he’s been moving on. That’s not his responsibility it’s yours.

    He was honest with you. He ended it. He likes you and cares about you but not in that way.

    So you can’t turn around being mad at him for his behavior, the fact he’s moving on, any “lies” (which may or may not be lies). And if he did try to say nothing was going on with these other women it was because he didn’t want to hurt you. (Rightly or wrongly).

    I think you’re FINALLY doing the right thing and being strong and moving on. Limited Contact is the way to go. Some day you may be able to be “just friends” but not now!! It’s too raw. It’s too open for misinterpretation.

    Tell me have you been having sex all this time too? Or just “Hanging out”?

    Stop worrying about who and what HE is doing and start to work out what you are doing. If the promotion is important do you utmost to concentrate on work. Throw your all into it. Achieve it. Find some other goals you can sit down and set.

    What about your living situation? Are you happy where you’re living? Do you want to move? Do you want to redecorate? Can you move the furniture around or paint? Some home DIY changes can be quite cathartic.

    Do you have a good support network of friends? If not, maybe you can join some clubs near by with like minded people (try for your area – or a site similar to it in your region wherever you are!)

    The thing is if you’d made a clean break in August we’d not be where we are now today. You’d be 8 months down the path to recovery. You can’t blame him for wanting to have his cake and eating it too – if you willingly gave it away. You’d have had more of a chance of reconciliation if you did make a clean break and move on.

    So do you utmost to heal and move on and as you do – either you’re going to become more attractive to him or you’re going to attract someone better.

    This guy, by the sounds of it, is not a great fit for you. He’s got some issues, and baggage (I know we all do to some degree) but is how he lives his life, how he talks, what surrounds him – is it the kind of stuff of a loving, supportive, respectful and healthy man?

    If not – ditch him and move on to find one who is.

    Sounds like you had a lucky EX-SCAPE here. Be sure you get tested at a health clinic. Work on THYSELF and act as if you’re over it at work. Civil. Pleasant. Productive. But keep all talk totally to work. Nothing else. No more questions (frankly it’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHO / WHAT HE DOES!!) – unless they pertain to your job. NOTHING ELSE.

    Hear me?

    Save anything you need to get off your chest for here on SYBD or in a journal of your own. NOT HIM.

    If he pins you down to ask about being friends simply say “I am sorry it’s too hard to be just friends right now – maybe on down the road we can try but for now I need to heal and move on. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care too much still, so please respect my wishes, give me the space I need to heal and move on. I will let you know if / when I can handle being pals”.

    Use your own words but convey that sort of thing.

    And take your power back. Surround yourself with positive and healthy people! They’ll inspire you.

    Use affirmations. Read positive books. Listen to

    Keep writing out your feelings. Process them. Stop blaming him. Stop blaming yourself. Accept responsibility.

    Feel. Deal. Heal. Move on.


  113. k

    I just got to work. Another day of torture. I dint expect your response that fast. Thank you so much. Some of your blunt points are true. I really havent looked at it that way. Maybe you’re right, i did this to myself by allowing him to use my feelings for him. He actually already yelled at me a couple of times and said we were not together anymore and i shouldn’t care about what he does. I guess my biggest problem is, I know it was my fault but I just can’t get over. Even if I already saw all the misses, all the faults and all the bad things that continues to do and can do. I still wanted to be with him 🙁 I cant get over the fact that to him it was really over. Now I’am such in a bad place. I’am trying my best to come to work early so I can leave early. Every time Iam not doing anything, it crosses my mind. It even came to a point that I asked him to tell me literally that we can’t be together. I have asked him to tell me hurtful words so I can easily just hate him and move on. But I still stayed like crazy. Iam starting to think and I’m really concerned is this a sign of obsession? why do I feel like he is IT. After everything that I know about him.Why do I still feel that he can be a good person if he wants too? 🙁 when I know he also has a lot of very bad tendencies. 🙁 My self esteem is way below 6 feet. It has never been like that ever. I used to always be the one to let go of a relationship. Its my first time to get dumped. Maybe thats partly why Iam struggling. Thank you for offering your page for me to vent out all my struggles. Its always nice to know someone out there listens, understands and would give you meaningful advice. I really appreciate your time Thea. May God Bless you.

  114. thea Post author

    I am glad you feel a wee bit better. It’s an ebb and flow thing. Up down. Bit of a roller coaster – only not nearly as much fun!

    I do tend to be blunt. I leave the “beating around the bush” platitudes to one’s family/friends 🙂

    As I have gotten older – I have stopped (completely) ever saying that anyone “used” me. I am a grown woman I made choices. I got something out of all the giving I’ve done. No one made me do it. While yes people can sometimes give us an impression we mean more to them and we later realise we didn’t – really I just don’t subscribe to the being used thing anymore. Plus but not having that sort of mental internalization – I feel better about myself and my choices.

    You’re flawed. He’s flawed. I’m flawed. We all do the best we can with the skills and tools we’ve been given or acquired and we get older, we grow, and we learn to do better. All of us.

    Getting into work and leaving early is a great start.

    >> I am starting to think and I’m really concerned is this a sign of obsession?

    No more than the rest of us. Though I have to say “Obsessive Love” is an interesting read (a classic self-help tome).

    But really you’re just human. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Heal. Move on. Bring in a guy who gets how fabulous you are.

    The best revenge for this guy – is to get on with it, live well, be happy and find a fabulous man!

    That truly is the best possible course of action, I believe.

    Hang in there.

    Take it one moment at a time!

  115. Kristine

    So usual demotivated day in the office. As much a I want to spend time with my people most of the time I trapped myself in my office. I would see him pass by with his head down. Cross paths along the hall and made sure I avoid him. 

    Biggest challenge was when an account executive came to the office. I was having breakfast with J and his division at the pantry when the guard called for my attention and said she was looking for me. On my way to her office I saw a girl in my ex’s office and right there I knew that the account executive looking for me was talking to him about our business accounts.

    So I just went back to my office. Realized both of them texted me. I was like holy crap what am I going to do. Do I reply? Do I not? But I have to be professional and was thinking, why did this have to happen? I did not want to get in touch and i was doing so good. So his  message was “hi O from G is here do you want to talk to her about your situation?”  

    I ended up saying “no thanks. I’ll just talk to her over the phone” I showed my pride. That is not me. I would usually go there and escalate my concern so I would get help, but I chose not to. Part of the dealing process is to realize I won’t have as much help anymore and would have to learn to do things on my own. I do t want him to feel that he’s helped me nor do I want to feel that I owe him something. so he replied “Ok, just checking, because that’s what she told me”, and I did not reply anymore. I’m not sure if I handled it right. It’s the most professional that I can get. 

    Then another issue at work towards midday. Issues that I would usually just walk up to him and escalate but I tried to escalate or first to my direct boss. When I felt that he really did not do anything about my concern I fired up. I had To Go to my office and shed a tear for a bit. Knowing that i would usually walk to my ex’s office and escalate, but now i has to let it go. I just thought it’s not that much urgent, so I’ll let it go. I don’t want him to see me frustrated about another issue at work. I guess I handled that pretty well today too. Though I really have to pause and let go of my usual reaction and how I usually want things addressed ASAP I let it go. Pretty much today I’m still hurting but tried to be better. 

  116. Tamanna

    My ex called in yesterday. I piked the call thinking if he’s calling then there has to be a problem else he will never call; his ego is too big. So he talks to me; my first ques is why have you called; instead of replying to this he starts asking me about myself which i replied on a very platonic basis(I am myself amazed how I did that) but then after a minute or so I told him “i don’t want to talk to you anymore so just let it be” and kept the phone. Now I know from the sound of his voice that something was troubling him so i dropped in the message saying that i know you din’t call me just like that so let me know why have you called.. But he din’t reply to it. Now I just don’t know what to do..I love him a lot but I don’t want him back because I know we don’t have a future together and I don’t want to go through this pain again but then he din’t even say that he wants to get back together so did I do wrong? should I call him? I am not very sure if I want because I know I will be back on square1..Please guide me..

    But I don’t understand 1 thing why am i regretting last night..I am feeling guilty of not talking to him & I don’t know why…

    …also he sounded very surprised when i told him that I don’t want to talk to you I don’t want to talk to him only because I know it will again lead to a hope; the same that I have extinguished with great difficulty.

  117. thea Post author

    You feel guilty because you had to put your needs ahead of his for possibly the first time. you’re not used to doing that. To saying no or denying him anything. Of course it’s going to be out of your comfort zone.

    Besides you CARE about him so it is not easy to go Cold Turkey from one we love. And to not be there when they call. I think I’d have asked what he called for first 🙂 Then if it was some banal reason I’d ask him politely to let me move and not make any more contact!

    In any event, let it go. It’s not your problem. You’re responsibility is with yourself and only yourself. No one else right now. Feel. Deal. Heal. Move on.

    You’re doing good!

  118. thea Post author

    You sound like you’re handling it all as good as can be expected in challenging circumstances. The whole thing is a huge head-fcuk if you’ll pardon my language.

    >> Though I really have to pause and let go of my usual reaction and how I usually want things addressed ASAP I let it go

    Welcome to reality! We ALL need to do that even those of us NOT going through a break up at the moment.

    You really need to give yourself credit for how you’re handling it.

    You’re being strong, civil, and diplomatic. This is good.

    Keep your eye on the prize and aim for AMBIVALENCE DAY…that beautiful day when nothing he does or says (or what you witness) will affect you. That’s a brilliant day. That day when you can just wish your ex well (even with someone else) – and genuinely mean it. I have reached that with ALL my exes. It did NOT happen over night and without work…but it really is a good place to aim for (when you can).

    Because it often involves forgiving them and forgiving ourselves. That forgiveness is what FREEs us to move on to something (someone) better.

    You’re stronger than you know! Keep the faith!

    One of my mantras is “Every day in every way I am getting better and better”.

    And if you say it enough it starts to become true!

    That’s the beauty of affirmations that you tell yourself until they’re true! x


    this is my first time in this website.
    Well, I am 19 years old and I am currently taking a break from a 3 year relationship. It has only been 3 days and I feel the urge to stop and just tell her that I love her. I know thid actually wont make a difference. She tells me she loves me but she needs time for herself. We have been living together for 2 years now. She is the same age I am and we have been taking this very maturely. For now we still living together until I can move out since it is her place. I am having a hard time with this since we were each others first at everything. My life just is not making any sense at the moment. I have a feeling she does not want me to move out and she wants to test us but at the same time I want her to see that I am no joke and want her to see that I can move on. We do have our conflicts from the past that hunts each other at times. I cheated on her back when we had first started dating. She uses that now as an excuse for a break. We were so young and immature. After I cheated on her and dumped her we both saw and dated other people then 6 months later we went back together. My family at first was fine with her moving in with me but then a couple of months after some issues with my mom and sisters came along. Noe she hates my family and I pushed them away for her. Today, I find myself alone. We had so many plans together we accomplished a lot and I was about to propose in about 2 months when we had plans to go on vacation. I am managing ok so far. I know I will have to move out eventually, but I am not sure I want to move on. As I mentioned before, I have gotten over her in the past and I am sure I will again but I am just not letting go.

  120. Tamanna

    hey thea sorry to bother you again but I do not know why I am having this feeling that I din’t give him a chance to speak & that I should have let him speak…do you think I should call him or message him?? I don’t know why I am not at peace..I don’t know what I want anymore..i am just too confused & obsessing about this call too much…I think I am on square1 again..with great difficulty after 3 weeks i somehow managed to be normal and baam he calls & there I am again in the same condition, crying and withdrawing from everyone, now i don’t even want to talk to or be with anyone.. I don’t know why this phone call has brought in a hope..a hope that should not be there because he hvn’t called back or bothered messaging..+ I know that he’s in love with someone else..I really don’t know what to to handle this situation…all I am thinking about is why did he call..that’s the constant thought in my mind…I am scared of doing something stupid as in calling him & getting hurt again..I just don’t know what to do..Please help me…

  121. Tamanna

    I think I just made biggest mistake of my life..I just called him & he didn’t pick up so I dropped in a message saying I want to talk..shit shit shit….

  122. thea Post author

    Honestly it won’t make or break you. There is nothing that can be said or done that will really change the core of you. So you slipped. Who cares? Everyone does it. You’re not going to burst into flames. It was just calling someone in a moment of weakness. Not the end of the world.

    Square one is an illusion. You’re not. Just breathe. Let it go. Go to YouTube and search out some positive inspirational speakers and watch them. Send a text that says “Just called because I felt bad about our last contact and was concerned that something had happened. Hope you’re ok. Take care”. Or something simple.

    You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill. Stop it. Breathe. This too shall pass.

    No man or woman is ever worth this torture you’re putting yourself through. You’re handing over all your power, your happiness your joy and placing it in his hands. It’s not in his hands. It’s yours.

  123. thea Post author

    Lio sorry I never got back to you this weekend. It was a holiday weekend and I’ve been out and about a lot.

    Trying to catch up on responding to comments here.

    Weekends are the absolute hardest. They can be hard even when you’re HAPPILY SINGLE, trust me!

    19 years old and living together. Wow that sure seems pretty heavy and serious at a time when you’re just getting to know yourselves let alone someone else in such a serious manner.

    Re-connect with your family hon. You’re going to need their support. You’re not alone. You do have people who will love and support you through this time.

    Sounds like it’s too early to be letting go – you need to trust that you will in due course. You can’t force letting go, that’s now how it works.

    But it sounds like for now this might be a huge blessing – even though it feels like H E L L.

    19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24…this is an age we should be meeting new people, trying them on for size, getting to know our own lives and minds. There will be plenty of time for serious relationships. Commitments. Families. Etc.

    For now find the simple pleasures of freedom and singledom.

    Re-connect with some friends and get out and create some new memories and bonds.

    You will be ok. Treat yourself as you would your best friend! x

  124. Gerard coyle

    Thank you so much for this site and for making life bearable as I’m day 1. Thank you.

  125. thea Post author

    G, how are you doing? I am so sorry you’re going through whatever you are. If you want to tell me a bit more, I’m here to listen. Hang in there. OK? x

  126. ACH

    dear thea,

    i had been dating someone for almost 8 months. this person is the general manager at the restaurant i work at. im 20 and he is 34. we never told anyone at work.

    lately alot has been going on and i was in the hospital and he took good care of me when i was out. then a couple weeks later he was acting strange one day. cold and distant, so i was asking him if everything is okay. and he briefly told he was feeling down about losing his sister (1 year and a half ago) and so he needed me to just not try and see him all the time. and not bug him basically to see him. when he said this i didnt really understand that that was grieving. i thought that when people were sad about things they needed to feel loved and so i was confused as to why he didnt want me to touch him or be there for him . and i didnt understand why he was being cold to me when i was trying so hard to make him feel happy.

    something just wasnt clicking in my head and it was frustrating me. later that night we ended up getting in a fight about it and he became really cold and mean and i left. and told him to leave me alone.

    then a couple days of no talking i felt bad after learning about the different ways people grieve (online) and his actions made sense. and i called and apologized and told him im there for him and understand now and i love him, ect. made sure he knew that i do care and that i just didnt understand why he was acting that way. so a couple days go by and i can feel the difference from other break ups, when we did talk. just uninterested in talking. so then he tells me we need to talk . we meet on a sunday and he tells me he doesnt feel the same about me and he still loves me but the fight we had made me feel like i cant be there for him like he needs me to be. so i told him i understood and i love him and whatever he wants to do i am okay with. aslong as hes happy. and he said he wants to take a break and he wont be seeing anyone. so we start a break (i hate breaks i dont understand them …your either together or your not, right?) and the next day i have an health emergency. i live alone and my parents are far away and hes the only person i know to help me in the city. so i call him and ask him if i can come over because i really need someone to just be there incase something goes wrong. and he said no hes busy and no i couldnt later. so i dealt with it alone. and it really hurt me that he wasnt there for me when it was something about my health. i know i would be there for him in a second and drop whatever im doing for him so…then the next day i was so upset about how he didnt care that i broke up with him because he told me to get over the physical pain i was going threw. so i ended it and told him have a nice life. mind you we work together and he is my manager so its a rollercoaster of emotions. especially if he yells at me at work which is…alot. (i dont think hes mixing work with us, hes always yelling at everyone) but its driving me working with him and i cant afford to leave this job because they work with my schedule. so a week goes by and i really start to miss him and i called him last night and told him that. and he tells me (very aggressively) that he doesnt think im right for him and this is my fault and hes not gonna change and doesnt think im worth it and im a mistake. and he said if i wanted to talk more in person we could today so he could talk to me without getting mad. but i think last night what he said made me realize he really doesnt want me anymore. and its really over. so i texted him this morning and said “i dont see a point in talking later today because youve made it clear you dont want a relationship with me” and he just said okay. and now i feel like i can start to let myself accept its really over. but its so upseting working with him. any tips? on what to do? sorry that was pretty long.

  127. dennis campbell

    I read what you wrote liked alot of it agreed with alot of it doing alot of it but 17 years of being married to her and thinking of her for the last two years in a 1000 ways dident get answered clearly but alot did I will for sure change alot of my lifes doings all in all thank you;

  128. M

    I’ve sat and read this entire thread as currently I feel like I’m really struggling just to wake up.

    I’ve had a rough couple of years and to be honest have always had my issues. 6 months ago I met a great girl, things were always a bit turbulent (She smoked and drank in excess at times, and would basically take any offer to be out) I took this as a threat and started to sabotage the relationship, started with the small things, but then I would worry about my mistakes and ended in a terrible spiral. Basically I ended it first then begged her to take me back… She said she wanted time and for some reason I couldn’t do that as I didn’t believe she would come back, so I started to text and call more… She said she could no longer talk to me. I then left it 4 days and she wrote me an email saying she just needed time and missed me, it was a lengthy email with lots of positives. What did I do then, even though it should have made me happy? I called and text to the point she said I was scaring her and to leave her. That’s where I am now. Life never feels like it’s been so tough and all I ever wanted was her back, I just messed it up. Now I’m struggling to just get up.


  129. thea Post author

    Well that’s unfortunately part of the process…that struggle. It passes. If you want it to. So much of what holds us back is our thinking. The way we talk to ourselves about these sorts of things. How would you respond to your best mate who told you all of this?

    She, though I am sure she’s fabulous, doesn’t sound like a great energy to be around. I particularly refer to the excessive smoke/drink. I can be a bit “rigid” at times (though trying to be less so) but I frankly just don’t want to be around people who spend their time that way. It’s fine if people do – to each their own…

    But I choose to surround myself with more like minded individuals. More around the types of people I want to be around – positive, healthy, happy, ambitious, creative, loving etc = type people.

    She may be a great gal but likely just wasn’t the one for you, for now. It’s not a case or right or wrong, good or bad, it’s just an “is” as my dad would say.

    Of all sentences – this one stuck out the most for me.

    >> I’ve had a rough couple of years and to be honest have always had my issues.

    We all have our issues, to be sure, but right now seems to be a wonderful time for you to work out what those issues are, work on yourself, and once you’ve healed you’re bring in a very different type of person.

    But it’s going to have to in your own time and way. It’s going to take you having some self-acceptance on the one hand and an actual effort to be the kind of person anyone would want to be around. Are you that person? If not, then it what way can you work on changing to become one?

    It’s perfect time to focus on you, warts and all. It’s the only think you have any sort of control over. Where you live, who you spend time with, how you spend your free time, your health and fitness, your career, etc.

    Time to do a SELF AUDIT. What’s working? What’s not?

    Find one thing to focus on that gets you out of bed and a little excited about.

    At the moment – I am on holiday. A much needed break. But I am already planning for a trip to Cannes later this year with the SO YOU brand! 🙂 time for me to do some big ole dreaming on what I hope to achieve in 5 months time! Something POSITIVE for me to focus on!

    What in your future can you set and look forward to?

    Life is rough at times whether you’re going through a break up or not.

    But I think this gal is probably more like FORBIDDEN FRUIT. Your actions are coming from FEAR rather than LOVE. Desperation is an unpleasant scent on a person.

    Back off, stop texting, stop emailing and start planning – ok?

    Take care hon. This too shall pass x

  130. cal Rutherford

    Dear Thea, I have just broken up with my Ex, we have had an on/off relationship for around 24 years!!!!
    the relationship is abusive but Im really struggling to let him go this time. We only got back together just over
    a year ago and split up after an incident about a month ago. He hit me and we grappled and he called the police
    and had me arrested, never have i been arrested before, totally humiliating. But now i miss him and so want to
    see him, whats that about????i texted him a few times after the incident and he has since changed his mobile
    number. I rang is landline number the other night and when he said Hello, i hung up, he knows it was me and
    hasnt responded at all.. Will he ever? x

  131. thea Post author

    You know who knows if he will or not? The question is why you even want someone who’s treated you so badly TO get in touch. If your best friend explained what happened what would you advise? I know it’s always easier when you’re not in it emotionally to advise but really you’ve had a lucky ex-scape here.

    You clearly bring out the WORST in each other so it’s possibly best to just forge ahead on healing and move on to someone who treats you like a lovely human being. Who doesn’t raise a hand to you, call you names, or disrespect you in any way.

    24 years is a long time. I can imagine it’s a scary thought moving on but if it’s got to the point where violence has ensued, police have been called, you’re being hung up on – then don’t you think this thing has run its course my dear?

    Sounds to me like it has. And you might consider focusing on your own life and where it’s heading. You won’t get to the end of your days and think “wow I wish I spent more time in an on-again-off-again, sometimes violent relationship.”

    You’ll think – “wow I wasted a lot of time on someone who didn’t really love and respect me” (someone who does doesn’t treat you like that, incidentally).

    Not judging. Not at all. But the universe is pushing you hard on this one to move on. Please listen and heed the warning. Resist all temptation to continue to speak to him, persuade him etc.

    Take care my dear. Please respect yourself. If you don’t – no one else will.

    Just shared a post on our FB wall:

    “Break ups aren’t always meant for make ups, sometimes they’re meant for WAKE UPS!”

  132. Cal

    Dear Thea
    Thanks for your reply and do you know what, im going to heed your advice and stay well away, i just needed to
    hear someone say it out loud. Thanks for the words they have certainly opened my eyes especially when a
    stranger says it, its easy for family, kids and whoever to say “oh give him another chance it might be different”,#
    but i now know it never will be, so im off to get my nails done, hair cut and get on with my important life. Many
    thanks again xxx

  133. JJ

    Hi Thea, Sorry beforehand as I may ramble on a bit here but I think it will do me some good typing all of this out. It’s crazy, I was only in a two month relationship with someone but even a month after the break up I still seem to be struggling. The main reason for this is the fact we work together in the same building. Both of us aren’t chained to the desks everyday either so it’s difficult for us to avoid each other. The sad part is we used to be friends.

    After a work night out her feelings suddenly changed for me and she started telling everyone at work that she fancied me. I was flattered but I didn’t want to start anything because we we’re friends and I didn’t want to ruin that. She was very persistent for a good six weeks or so til eventually I gave in. I’d been single for about a year and thought to myself whats the worst that can happen? How wrong was I. We got on well together but there was still a doubt in the back of mind as we’re different people. She is a nice person, loud, enjoys wild nights out and the majority of her previous boyfriends have bad boy reputations. I’m a nice guy, easy going and I’m a lot more calmer when I’m out, the complete opposite of what she normally goes for.

    We started dating and things started off really well. Things between us developed so quickly that I’d even met her parents after a month. A couple of weeks later she brought up the idea of us going on a 4 day holiday together with her best friend and her boyfriend. Again I knew it was too soon but instead of listening to my head I stupidly agreed. On the night before the hol she confessed to me that she still keeps in contact with one of her ex’s. He had served time in prison and is one of her best friends brothers. His parents lived a couple of doors down from her house but he doesn’t live there. She said that there was nothing going on and that there was no chance of them getting back together because of the way he treated her when they we’re an item. As he was her friends brother she said he was always going to be part of her life. I trusted her and I had no reason to suspect anything was going on.

    The holiday was the beginning of the end for our relationship. On the first night we we’re both quite drunk, we we ‘re just about to head out with the other couple then all of a sudden she lashed out at me ” You don’t compliment me enough!!” ” You don’t show me enough affection!!”. After doing my best for her throughout the relationship, sorting the holiday out and even arranging a 4 star all inclusive hotel for us last minute I reacted badly as I didn’t feel she appreciated it. I didn’t understand her constant need to be reassured. I felt that I was affectionate to her and that i complimented her more than enough times. It seemed like she was looking for any kind of stone to throw at me. We argued about it and I stormed off. When I got back to my hotel room she was sat in the corner sobbing her eyes out. I apologised for storming off and we hugged. She said she didn’t mean to shout at me, it was because she was drunk. Then she started saying that she’s just not used to going out with someone so lovely and its difficult for her to get used to?? That’s when deep down I knew it was over and all my doubts beforehand we’re realised. I told her that if she’s not happy in the relationship now that she won’t ever be happy. After that we again argued then went to sleep without speaking to each other.

  134. thea Post author

    Just stepping out the door, over night, but I will respond when back ok? Take care and hang on in there x

  135. JJ

    Next morning after the argument I decided to try and forget about it. We we’re both drunk and we had 3 more nights on holiday left so we both apologised and carried things on. With so much still unresolved from the first night we both hardly communicated for the rest of the holiday. We didn’t want to ruin the holiday by speaking about things plus we we’re with her best friend and her boyfriend. I was really quiet and was stressed out so I couldn’t even enjoy myself which is what your meant to do on a holiday.

    On the last night things came to a head. I’d gotten stupidly drunk and felt really frustrated with how the holiday went. For some reason paronia had set in so i broke the silence with her by asking if she was having an affair. It was a really stupid thing for me to say and i was embarrassed afterwards. I guess i wanted to throw a stone at her this time. We argued again till eventually we admitted that we we’re both different and that the relationship had run it’s course. She went as far as saying she wanted to be with someone who kept on her on her toes which hurt. I guess things we’re too easy for her with me I don’t know. We agreed to be friends still and keep things civil as we still work together.

    When we got back it suddenly hit me like a ton bricks what had happened. We’d broken up for a logical reason yet all of a sudden i was in complete denial thinking we could somehow work things out. I text her the next day asking if we could meet up and clear the air. She text back saying she was too tired to leave the house today. I decided to give her a couple of weeks space to cool off and see if she would be more willing then. We saw each other at work now and again but just said hello when passing. I text her again a couple of weeks later she text back that she would go for a drink sometime but that she was busy that weekend. She then ignored my text back to her. The following weekend I asked she could meet up sometime that week. She ignored my text, I took the hint.

    I deleted her number and tried to go no contact as best i could with her being at work. I was starting to feel better and beginning to accept things we’re over until one lunchtime I saw her talking to her ex outside our work. I felt so worthless and completely relapsed back to feeling rubbish again.

    A couple of days past and I decided to ask to speak to her at work for 5 mins. I didn’t ask about her ex, I just wanted to tell her I shouldn’t have text to meet up before. I said it was natural that things we’re going to be a bit awkward between us but if she needed anything from our department she didn’t have to avoid going there because of me. She said that she’s had a lot which is why she didn’t text back then suddenly changed her story to her losing her phone as the reason? She was cold and distant and didn’t want to talk so i left it there. I think she might have been worried that if she spoke to me i’d get the wrong idea.

    It’s crazy how everything has come full circle. I now %100 accept the break up and I won’t be initiating contact with her anymore. I’ve been worrying about her a lot but it’s clear that she doesn’t care. It’s been an easy break up for her as she’s been occupied with her ex who by the way has a girlfriend as well.

    My self esteem is at an all time low and i feel like a really weak person. I’ve took a week off work to try and get myself out of this mindset and begin to heal. Even though it was short I’ve learnt a lot from this relationship. Always listen to your head and not your heart. Sometimes I am too nice but i can’t help who i am. Who knows if she’ll ever speak to me again. All this from just a 2 month relationship.

  136. JJ

    No problem Thea, I’ve had to do this one as a two parter. Look forward to hearing your thoughts

  137. Mark

    The tips for getting over an ex- are all valid and make sense.

    My problem is that curiosity got the better of me and I found out that my ex’s new partner lives about 300 yards from my mom! So that means every time I go to my mom’s–I HAVE no choice but to pass his house every time–I’ll see my ex’s car there, or worse, see her outside with him!

    That’s going to keep the wounds open continuously and maybe I’ll NEVER get over her! How do I go about handlng THIS issue?

    Thoughts and comments anyone…? Thanks in advance for any advice!

  138. thea Post author

    Speaking as someone who had an ex walk by her office every day (on his way to and from work) – I can appreciate it will FEEL like you’ll never get over this…but you honestly will. In time you stop looking. You stop caring.

    For now 1) do what you can to avoid going that way. 2) Do your utmost to NOT look if you can (I know it’s hard). 3) Slap a smile on your face and drive (or walk or bike) on by.

    Just get on with the living and healing. At first it will feel a bit like water torture but you’ll find in time you’ll have created a new habit with the steps above and you’ll start to realise in time that you’re not really “faking it” anymore. It will be a wonderful day when it doesn’t cross your mind etc.

    I find in cases like this – the hardest part is in our own flippin’ minds. The story our mind creates about our ex with someone new. What they’re doing. What s/he has got that we don’t. Been there too! It sucks.

    If you want to get past this, you truly will. You’ll make the best choices in how you go about this recovery…(not opt for the self torture of seeing her car at the house etc).

    In 12 years of running this site I’ve never known anyone who truly wanted to get over a break up, get happy and move on to something better, not do so. The ones who don’t truly want that remain stuck in jealousy, bitterness, anger, resentment and with a victim mentality. Much of this stuff is CHOICE and is HABIT.

    So trust you WILL get past this. You really will. Hang in there hon. x

  139. Jacques

    My girlfriend just broke up with me 3 days ago. The reason was that she didn’t see herself with me in the future any more because of some difficult times we were having in the relationship. We got together on Sunday after she had gone away for the weekend with her family and she told me that she wanted to break up.

    I was caught off gaurd and started to tell her that this was just a rough patch and that we should try and work it out but she told me she loved me but she wasn’t in love with me any more. I was devastated that night, crying and all that. The next day I couldn’t come to terms that it was over so I went to her house and asked if we could have a talk. She agreed and we went for a walk and I told her how if she’d just give it one more chance I would show her things could work. She agreed with the things I was saying and said she just needed some space for herself.

    I then went to talk to her on Wednesday again and i asked her to give me an honest answer about us getting back together because i didnt want to be let on by hope and she said she cant do it any more. I couldn’t resist checking her phones text messages when she left the room to go to the washroom because I was very paranoid thinking about if there was someone else.

    I checked and sure enough there was a convo between her and her friend about her staying over a a guys house on Tuesday. I confronted her immediately and right away she got mad and told me to leave because I checked her phone.

    I kept calm and she ended up telling me that they ended up sleeping together because he was comforting her about our breakup and one thing led to another and they had sex.

    I was devastated, I wasn’t even mad, just sincerely hurt, more than ever before. I began to get very emotional and she started saying how she wanted to tell me but she didn’t want to hurt me even more and so forth.

    I told her very calmly that i was Mad, but much more hurt than anything and she started crying saying she knows she made a mistake. I don’t know why I didn’t blow up, but I guess that I have learned from prior relationship and getting older that it’s not worth it.

    She was very surprised and complemented me on the fact that I was acting this way. I told her I could blow up and call you names and all sorts of things, but it’s not gona change the fact that you slept with him.

    I then realized at that point that there was no chance, that she doesn’t feel for me anymore what I feel for her. So I took the good road in spite of what I had just found out and wished her all the best in life, and that I want her to be happy and we hugged then i left. It was really hard leaving but i knew i had to,and thats where I am now.

    The breakup hurts enough, but now Im also dealing with the fact that she slept with a guy 2 days after, and the images that creep into my head are just awful and really hurt. I do use that to try and fuel the fact that I know there is no hope now and I’m coming to terms that I have to take care of what’s good for me now.

    It’s just so hard to get those thoughts from driving me crazy, because I’m still so hurt that she would do that to me. It’s because of the hope I had that she was hurting inside as much as I was over the breakup that it hurts even more.

  140. sarah heggs

    Im slowly losing my mind, feeling very weak and vulnerable at present. I was seeing a man for twelve weeks and even though it was short term i had feelings for him.he found it hard to show feelings, i found him on a sight flirting with other ladies . I’m heart broken, we ended it at the time and even though we were still texting it wasn’t enough for me. Recently he told me to leave him a lone, i don’t understand why and its hurting like crazy, im 38 and should know that i should leave him a lone. Hes told me hes changing his number which as made me feel worse, how do i move on and forget i feel like a stalker and i know hes not worth it and i know i can do so much better but i choose to turn a blind eye on it , im just so upset at the thought of never seeing him again or being able to contact him. My friends say i deserve so much better and hes just a bad habit that i will get over. Why is he so heartless, hes used me for his convenience and left me feeling like this…

  141. thea Post author

    Well things like this can bring out the inner bunny boiler in the most sane of us people! So cut yourself some slack but work on that inner strength to stay away. Picture the thought of him disgusted at hearing from you for a while – if that urge to reach out to him comes up again.

    What we need to remember at times like this is IT’S NOT ABOUT HIM and what he thinks of you because frankly that does NOT matter. The thing to focus on is what YOU think of you. You’re the one stuck with you…so keep reminding yourself to be the type of (sane) woman any guy would be lucky to have.

    In time you may find it all blows over and you CAN be friends but just now it’s too raw.

    I had a similar thing once (not quite that bad but bad enough where I felt a bit mortified of my intensity)…This was more than decade ago now…and after some time had elapsed I wrote to him and apologised for my intensity and thanked him for his understanding etc.

    We’re facebook friends now and occassionally share some private messages to catch up. I sometimes still smirk and my cringeworthy behaviour but have to cut myself some slack. I was just in that “needy clingy” phase for a while. It happens. It passes. You’re human. Try not to label yourself such negative things as “a stalker” etc.

    I doubt he’s HEARTLESS or that he USED you. I don’t subscribe to either thought really about people. It’s just not my reality. The fact is YOU GAVE YOURSELF to this guy – willingly. You’re a grown woman. No one forced you to fall for him, have sex, spend time with him etc -you did it all by yourself. Yes he left and that’s unfortunate but people come and go in and out of our lives every day…It’s ebb and flow.

    You GOT SOMETHING TOO. You got someone to share time with, have sex with (presumably), someone to talk to etc. You didn’t walk away with nothing. It’s a bummer he didn’t stay longer for whatever reason but take away the good stuff from this and learn from the less good stuff. It’s all there. The good and the lessons. That’s your job to focus on.

    I’d focus on watching some good stuff on YouTube – some Wayne Dyer or Eckhart Tolle or Byron Katie – or anyone who inspires you (those are three of my faves). Seek out some speakers that remind you how great life is and how great you are. You’re still great in spite of this blip and don’t you forget it.

    He’s one guy that doesn’t knwo you at all after just 12 weeks so I’d just assume it’s not personal…and yet be honest with yourself about the stuff you could have handled better. (We all have those things!)

    And endeavor to do better next time – ok?

    This too shall pass. You’ll be ok. STOP contacting him though – ok? Post here. Email or text friends but do NOT contact him – for months and months if you can help it! Just back the hell off – for now at any rate.

    Take care x

  142. thea Post author

    Je suis vraiment désolé.

    I am very jet lagged. Too fatigue to respond coherently but I wanted to say one or two wee things for you.

    First of all I know you’re hurt. Most everyone would feel hurt in that same situation.

    But the thing is – I always see things different than the average person around these parts…

    Because in MANY WAYS the fact she slept with someone so quickly after the break up (which was totally her RIGHT to do!!) – means the opposite of what most people would assume. It didn’t mean she doesn’t care it is that she cared too much. She was hurting and looked for a distraction to avoid the pain.

    So in a weird way ONE might view it as a compliment rather than an insult.

    Regardless of how you CHOOSE to interpret it – who knows why she did what she did or what it meant? She probably doesn’t even know. But it doesn’t discount the relationship you have, or mean she didn’t care or doesn’t still care or still love you. It just means, she’s human and flawed and sought solace in the arms of another guy. Not a crime (when she’s single) and not a thing that categorically means anything of importance.

    You’re still you. Your relationship meant something to both of you. You can never take that away.

    It lasted how long it was supposed to – even if you wished it lasted longer.

    I need to sleep now. My eyes are like this @@ I am sorry. I will try to think of more things to say soon.

    For now just go easy on yourself. And just keep on pushing through the pain until you reach the other side ok?

    Take good care, this too shall pass…. x

  143. Tamanna

    Hey Thea,

    I do not know how to say this but i think i am losing my grip on this break-up now. The urge to call him, speak to him, see him is growing stronger day by day. I have just realized that I can’t live without him. I want him back in my life at all costs. I won’t be able to survive without him. I know i am never going to find somebody as wonderful as him. He was everything I wanted in a man. So I just cant give up on him.

    I know its been 2 months since we stopped talking & a month when I cut his phone & even though he has not called back; still I can’t get him out of mind. He is there 24X7. Even if I am diverting my attention by doing some other work; I just can not think about him. I feel guilty even if I try to flirt. What do I do. The only question or you can say a wish is to get him back anyhow….

    What do I do….sigh!!!!!!

    & yes the worst part is that he is my dad’s best friend’s son & since they just know that he is my best friend so they & everyone else who he is not contact with keep talkin about him with me…thinking that atleast he would be in contact with me…This spoils my mood evrytime…I have told evryone that I am not on talking terms with him still everyone keep talking…

  144. JJ

    Hi Thea, I’m feeling much better now about the break up. The only problem is it’s been nearly 2 months since the split and she is still very distant and is avoiding me. I’ve tried to act as normal as possible around her but she doesn’t even acknowledge me at work now. I recently asked if i could speak to her for 5 mins to break the silence. I tried to relieve the awkwardness as much as i could by being friendly hoping that she would be willing to draw a line under things so we can be normal around each other at work. It was a bad move and it completely backfired. She couldn’t have been more distant and uncomfortable. Now I just have to leave it and hope in time things get better between us but i don’t know if i’ve got the patience for it. I can’t help but feel that I’m the bad person and the situation is getting me down. Outside of work I am fine but from 9-5 mon to fri it’s a constant reminder. I believe it’s in my best interests to find a new job and start fresh somewhere. If theres one thing I’ve learnt one thing it’s never have a relationship with someone you work with

  145. Lee

    Dear Thea,
    It is comforting to read this blog, at the very least it keeps me from texting/calling him as I am resisting as best I can. After 3 yrs, we were planning a marriage this July, even tho we lived,believed and behaved as ‘husband and wife’ these past yrs.
    As a survivor of a tragic past event I have struggled with PTSD/deppression and he has always supported me in healing; very encouraging and understanding. When I would have given up he helped me to keep moving forward. We have come so far thru these yrs. We built and planned our future with each other, for each other. Much love, respect, communication, friendship. Yes, he was my very best friend. I ruined it in just a few hours.

    We had a fight – does it even matter what about- it was indeed my fault. I took cheap shots at him, poked, prodded, pushed, and pushed. I believe I pushed to far. He lost his temper, didn’t come to abuse because that’s not his nature. The anger was pretty severe and probably justified. I am so sorry that I pushed him. I don’t just hurt for myself, I hurt for him too because I know he really loved me and is also hurting over this. he is now very cold, distant, moving on and moving out.

    I don’t want to lose him, but I think I already have. I miss his texts, his calls, the talks, walks, hugs, holding hands, making love, shared showers, morning coffee conversations and family dinners. I am very close with his family, closer than with my own and I fear that I have lost them too! They were good, kind and dear to me and as I talked with his mom and she held me and cried I realized that I’ve hurt her too. The whole family is affected by it and I am consumed with guilt.

    I am alone and miserable for the loss seams to great to overcome. I’ve begged him to forgive me, but he said even tho he still loves me, he can’t get past the anger and he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up. He’s right, when I heard him say that he loves me I did get my hopes up. That maybe he’d stay and work it out together. He is so withdrawn from me, I fear the worst. Not knowing is a big part of the suffering, I don’t want to push him further away, but I can’t give up on what we had either. The thing we had together…it was, well only some people are lucky enough to find that even once in a lifetime. He’s moving out in a few weeks, until then I only see him late at night, when he comes home to sleep. He doesn’t look at me, talk or even acknowledge I’m there unless I aproach him. His responses are brief, short and cold.

    How do I handle this? Is there ANY way of handling it? And if there isn’t, then aside from a whole lotta prayer, how do I survive?

  146. Lee

    Its been two days since I last wrote. He’s gone. Moved out yesterday, still has a bunch of things here, clothes furniture etc. I really wish his stuff was gone too, hurts to much to even see it. Apparently he’s having a ‘thing’ with another woman. I won’t let him see it, but I’m broken, just shattered into pieces. This person he’s become is not the man I loved. How can everything change so suddenly? I keep kicking myself for starting the fight, but then I remember how many fights I avoided by not speaking up; didn’t want to make him angry so I just agreed with him even tho I really didn’t agree at all. I actually ate something today but thought of him and litterally vomited. Oh boy I got a feeling this is gonna get worse before it gets better. That scares me.

  147. thea Post author

    Lee am so sorry for the pain. You’re not shattered into pieces you’re whole. Whole as can be. it only FEELS like you are but you’re not.

    Ugh – it’s no use hearing he’s having a “thing” with someone else. Bleuch. How do you know this? Slap whoever told you. I’m kidding, sort of.

    Things never change suddenly – it only SEEMS like they do. In actual fact when things seem to change over night for us, for them it’s been a case of DETACHING for days, weeks, months even years! So yah it only seems “sudden”…

    The vomiting is normal for some, actually. I even wrote into our new video which will go live soon!! But keep trying to eat even if it’s SOUP. The world is always better when we’re rested and eating properly. The trouble is we stress out and both things go out the window and it makes it all a vicious circle.

    There is no one thing you did or didn’t do to cause this. It’s not like if you didn’t have THAT fight or say that thing you’d have a different result. It’d have happened over something different so end the torturous self talk now.

    It’s not going to get worse before better – it’s just gonna be an up/down process. One step forward two back…but you’ll get through it. In time. With right thinking. Right eating. Right sleeping. With some goals to get over this and not only survive but to thrive. In whatever way that is for you…

    Work. Schooling. Home. New relationship. Travel. Some of the above all of the above.

    Get all the belongings and put them in a bin bag out of site. Or a box. Something so you don’t have the constant reminders. That said a dear friend on SYBD had 3 mos of staring at the bag. She finally got a friend to drop it around his house because she couldn’t take looking at it anymore…

    Hang in there. Vent here if/when you need to. x

  148. Lee

    Thankyou Thea.
    I read a scripture that actually helps me and is right in line with the advise you just gave, perhaps it will help others who have faith in God. It is about a prophet named Elija. He was tormented, broken hearted, and “absolutely dispondant” (suicidal) by the actions of others. He begged God to take his life, pleading that he could not bear the pain. He hid away in cave without food and slept for days. (Sound familiar?)
    Well, God heard his prayers and went to him and said, “Get up, Elija, and eat, there is much to be done.” Elija came out of the cave and God gave him cakes that Elija would eat and loosen the yoke of dispondency.
    Interesting that you would offer the same advice. Its also interesting that even a prophet of God, went through the same type of feelings as so many of us have described here on this blog, and in this day and age. By no means do I think I’m some kind of prophet or mayrter, in fact I’m not even very religous, just spiritual.
    It is comforting in a weird way, that kings and peasants, prophets and sinners…doesn’t matter when, who or what you are, we all go through it. All of us, and probably more than once. Right now is one of the “up” moments, an hour from now I may be fighting back the tears, but I think I ‘get it’ when u say two steps forward, one step back. It means, ‘dont wear eye makeup when you are prone to spontanious crying, u may end up looking like a raccoon’. 🙂
    Anyway, I just wanted to share that message, which can be found in 1 Kings 19 (the whole Chapter). There are other scriptures about loosing heart; dispondency, etc, that can be found through the index. I found this story when I was lloking for courage, (my new signature). Thanks again, Thea.


  149. RoRo

    Hi !
    I am so glad i found this website and it is actually a chance for me to tell my story and ask for guidance
    We were the sweetest thing and we loved each other so much it was intoxicating and all worth it until he had to go out of the country for at least 4 years we decided to keep on going and take a chance on the LDR but halfway through the year i couldn’t handle it anymore i guess i had too much emotional baggage to be without him in such a bad period of my life where i was a step away from depression and the worst part is that he wasn’t there even online for me i was so hurt and so mad and he hated that i gave him many chances but he couldn’t handle me and my anger and i guess he had his reasons and he as a full time student and busy with school and everything but i was expecting to be treated the same way i treated him anyways i ended up breaking up with him a couple of days before our 2 years anniversary and i miss him i decided to let him out of my life and move on and take care of myself but i feel like i”m missing out on something and that i will regret this but i’m scared of being rejected i’m lost and confused and most of all heartbroken
    Please help me

  150. Sarah

    I just broke up with my boyfriend four days ago.

    We had to break up because my visa expired and I had to go back to my own country across the world. We dated for two years and were truly in love with each other. I saw a life with him. And now I’m so far away from him, without almost zero possibility that I’ll see him again.

    How can I get over that? Knowing that he is as sad as me makes me cry even more. On top of a hge break up, i have to deal with being in a new place when all I want is my old life back =(

  151. thea Post author

    Hello I am sorry you have had to split due to geographic reasons.

    It’s easy to get sucked into staring in the rear-view mirror but the fact is you gotta look ahead through the open window toward your future. It’s sound cliche-esque I know but the fact is you will end up feeling more and more miserable by wishing things were different – or arguing with reality.

    You may find that you do see each other again – I mean who really knows what’s going to happen to any of us in our future. But you have to keep the faith that the pain will subside, you’ll either re-connect with him or with someone new on down the road.

    The thing is not to beat yourself up for splitting up. Not to keep re-hashing how it all went. Just be so grateful you had a love that last 2 years. Think about what you learned about life and love from the relationship.

    Just adopt that attitude of gratitude. Take it one moment a time. That’s all any of us can do when we’re going through hell. Just keep going ok? Hang in there. You really will be ok. Eyes forward not back. x

  152. thea Post author

    Hey hon sorry you’re feeling so rubbish. I think it sounds like time focus on you and only you. Your happiness. Your health. Trust that all things do sort themselves out eventually. ALWAYS. You’re not really lost. And as the Judybats song says “hearts can not be broken they’re small squishy things”.

    It’s ok to feel down and sort things out – it takes time to process. But the words we use to describe how we feel can make us feel better or worse. So choose your words carefully.

    Do some writing. Vent all your feelings out to help process them. Call on friends and family for support. Exercise. Set some GOALS for yourself. Little ones at first. Think about where you’d like to be this time next year. Doing what? Living where? Etc.

    You’re going to be ok. Do trust me on that one. This things unravel in the way they’re supposed to.

    You just focus on sifting through the emotional baggage and letting whatever is not working for you – go. Just let it go.

    Imagine yourself that lighter person. That person with their proverbial SH*T together – you know? The kind of person any other person would be lucky to date.

    You’re ok – you really are.

    Repeat after me “I can handle it”.

    Hugs x


    we have been together for 11 yrs and have a 3 yr old child, last yr i found out that he was also living with another woman he met online and her kids within 2 days of meeting online, this relationship has continued and now i want out, everytime I say ive finall had it, he does everything to suck me back in, this woman and i have had physical altercations because he’ll tell he to come to ur home to pick him up after I took back the car I brought him for Fathers Day 2011, she actually comes onto my property, its gotten to the point that she has sent the cops to my home on several occassions, I know this man is no good, he manipulates me into feeling sorry for him, because of the way he was raised I dont know why I continue to put up with all his cheating, and whoring around its to much, and I dont want our child to think this is the way a healthy relationship works.

    I need some encourgaing words of wisdom to help me on my daily journey to get over this man and finally get my life back on track and be happy, its been so long

  154. leah

    This website is great. I feel like i’m literally going to die though it hurts so bad.

  155. thea Post author

    I am so sorry you’re going through this agony. I for sure know how it feels (like everyone who comes here does).

    Have a sneak peak at this video…

    It’s not officially launching until Monday.

    You might find some comfort in it. Might even make you smile. xx

  156. Keenan

    I love this site just improved my way of thinking and just reading it put me in a great mind set i am ready to set myself to achieve goals and not worry about making someone happy haha thank you for the advice!!

  157. thea Post author


    So glad you’re doing so well and thinking so positively and setting some goals. Happy to hear how well you are sounding. Recovery is peaks and valleys (like life in general)… 🙂 So don’t worry if you have dips now and again. It totally happens. One step forward two back. But long may your happiness continue.

    If you wouldn’t mind too much, please watch our new video just launched – the “12 Stages of a Breakup” on our YouTube Channel.

    If you like it please make a comment or do anything to help spread the word…

    Or simply like the post on our Facebook page. That’s only if you do actually LIKE it. If not, no worries. x

  158. Veena

    I am going through a really bad breakup after 2 years of living together. I love him to death and this is not the first time hes broken up with me. The last time its happened I begged him to take me back and apologised for things that I didnt do. I know better now. I miss him and love him just as much but I have finally learnt to love myself more and not beat myself up for things that are out of my control. We are still texting each other but if its over for good I think I will be much better off than the last times it had happened. Its just so hard at the moment with the texts and calls. But I know I will get there eventually. This website is amazing xx

  159. thea Post author

    >> I miss him and love him just as much but I have finally learnt to love myself more and not beat myself up for things that are out of my control.

    You sound good. Resolved but good. I know it’s hard to resist texts. I am not good at “ignoring” someone’s contact. I really am not. 2 years of living together can take a while to get over but it is possible. I had 2 back to back that were 3.5 years (like the 7 year itch split in half) and I got over it/them.

    You start to carve out a new path in life. You find beauty in the freedom and the lack of drama that sometimes relationship can bring.

    I appreciate my peaceful life. A LOT, but it took a while to get here.

    Thanks for the comment. Do like us on Facebook if you’re there – – and I take it you saw the new video that launched last week? Hope so! The more views the better 🙂 xxx

  160. leah

    We were together for eight years with my son also. One day he says ‘ I’m not happy, I don’t think we are compatible. I of course was and still am completely devastated. I became so dependent on him. He was my whole world. (First mistake) So that was about 3 weeks ago I think. He said there was noone else. He did help me with the money to move out because I can’t afford our house by myself. Then I get a text that was meant for “her” from him. He’s in the meantime hurrying me to get everything out of the house, and being cold and horribly different. I lost it when I got that text meant for her and broke the rules and sent him 10 mean messages. He doesn’t answer of course. Today I found out its someone I he works with next door to where I work. I’m going mad! And its been going on for a while! I’m going crazy! Tips?

  161. thea Post author

    Thanks doll! It sucks to be “replaced”…from the Ego sense of the word. But it does get easier in time. Hang in there x

  162. leah

    How the heck do you get over it when you work for the same company not far from your ex and your replacement? It’s horrible! And why after someone does this to me and humiliates me by doing this would I ever miss this person still? STUCK

  163. leah

    Hello, I have been reading these posts on this site a lot and I see that I’m not alone In a lot of what is going on with me after my ex dumped me. I see a lot of truth in what you are saying Thea also. Its been about a month since he dumped me I think, I can’t be sure as I don’t have it together.

    This is the 4th day that I have not tried to e-mail or text him though about various things we had to talk about (or not). I had to move out and we had stuff we had to exchange but after I found out he has another woman I was contacting just to contact. Now I feel dumb about trying to keep in contact because he didn’t want it. Trust me. Big mistake to keep trying to contact. I found the no contact excruciatingly painful. But now I feel better about it. probably for the moment, but I’ll take it!

    What really hurts now is that we were together for almost 9 years and as Thea said, looking back I can see when he was detaching from our relationship was probably a year or so ago and by the end he was very rude and completely thoughtless. It hurt so bad and it still does. I feel like it was my fault as it looks like a lot of people do because after we were together for two years he spent the night with another woman and then begged me to take him back which I did and then instead of letting it go I could never trust him the same way again. I should have not taken him back. It would have been better for both of us.

    So for the next 6 years after that I was carrying resentment still and he was not committed to me in the way I wanted. That is what I see now. Should have doesn’t help but I can’t help it. I miss him and the good things that we had and its very painful just to hear his name even. I always wanted to marry him and I knew his family for 9 years also and I have heard not one word from them either which hurts really bad.

    I KNOW i wasn’t that bad of a person. Also, It helps to post on this site rather than contact him. My mind also creates visions of him and his happiness with his new love (seeing for some time before he dumped me) as I see other people are also having problems with. It hurts that they are emotionally close I think also. Talking for months.

    Also, my mistake after I found out about her was I sent him evil e-mails about what a rotten boyfriend he was anyway which i shouldn’t have. That ruined any chance of reconciliation even though he told me there would be no reconciliation. It doesn’t help that we all work within the same two buildings and that I and everyone I know at work knows her and sees them together now and she is way prettier and dresses very nice. Although she does sleep around a lot I hear. I guess I should make a dr. appt. HAHA… I don’t know. Thank you for this site Thea. Leah

  164. thea Post author

    Don’t worry it wasn’t too long. It’s nearly 1am and I have work in the morning and so I need to sleep but will try to write back soon ok. You’re doing great – better than you realise. 9 years is A LONG TIME and couple that fact with working all in the same building – you are actually IMPRESSING me greatly. Seriously. So go easy on yourself. Forgive yourself for behaving erratically after the split. You’re only human. If it persists why not start writing a letter to your ex about how you are GRATEFUL for the time shared and how you appreciated him as a boyfriend – in spite of the way it ended. I was speaking to another site member here today who had a similar situation to mine (all those years ago) and I said “for the time we were together, he was a virtually flawless boyfriend” for that I am grateful. The ending sucked raw eggs but endings are hard for most people (on both sides). I shot some nastiness at my ex too. I suspect he gets it though. It was a bolt out of the blue – his running off with his work colleague! But I am still so grateful for the years spent together. To love and be loved is an amazing thing. I hope we both (you and I) have that again.

    Keep healing leah, you’re doing fab. You really really are!! Sleep now. Night.

  165. sam

    My bf broke up again for the millonth time..only this time I’m having a hard time letting go ..we have two little girls wich makes it hard to let go..he’s cheated on me n everything but I still go back..I do love him n I have known him for six comfortable with him..I don’t know how to b without him..I need to move on. .he’s not the person I fell in love with. .he cheats he lies he’s mean to me…he use to b a good dad but know he sees them less n less..hes to bissy partying n hanging out with stupid girls..I need to b strong for my girls they deserve better then this..I don’t know I’m such a mess I gate him but I miss him to. 🙁 I feel like my whole life is falling apart..i just wanna let go. .

  166. leah

    To Thea, we work for the same company in two separate buildings but everyone knows each other and people are always asking me hows so and so and blah blah blah and they tell me they ran into them together and so on. I was doing o.k. until someone started talking to me about a conversation they had had with him in our cafeteria and then it occurred to me again how fine he is with the whole breakup and it’s not bothering him and my heart is ripped out again. It hurts so much. I backslid to Oh my god! how will I ever live without him? Then I started thinking about some of the things he said and did the last few months and decided I don’t want to be around that anyway.

    I’m wondering if the NO contact thing is a way that I am just denying the breakup and maybe that’s why it hurts so bad when I hear about him? What do you think?

    TO SAM The person named Sam that posted before me I can tell you that I wish I had never taken him back after he cheated. Nothing was ever right after that and he did it again as I hear they do, and I’m not sure how many times. You deserve to be loved better than that and treated nicely.

    A couple of things that helped me was when my feelings got so overwhelming that I thought I’d die I started doing some exercise and also calling my friend to talk about it. And also just let myself cry and cry. I thought about killing myself but I called a counsel line and realized my kids would suffer for that.

    My feelings have gotten a little better as time goes by and also if I give myself time to feel them and also I’m sorry to say I had to get on some antidepressants. But as the bad feelings get less intense it is such a relief! You’ll see. Also I think the no contact thing hurts worse at first but it gets better. I hope I am not imposing.

  167. thea Post author

    Sam you hang in there hon. You’re just processing it all. Letting go is gradual. It’s not a light switch. Same with forgiveness. It takes time, effort, processing, healing. All of which you’re doing.

    Leah just replied to you on this thread. Look out for her message to you ok? It’s almost midnight and I need to sleep.

    Stay strong for the girls. You have the roll of both parents it sounds like! Teach them what it means to be a STRONG, loving, support, no-nonsense woman. They’re learning how men can treat them by watching you!

    Be a wonderful example – even if it’s a case of “act as if” for the time being until you are strong. x

  168. Tricia

    Hi Thea, i am a 32yr old who has been through alot, faught for custody of my kids for nine years, finally a year ago i met a good man who helped me financialy to get my kids, but he is an alcoholic, and because he lives in SA, and i in Swaziland, he acuses me of things i dont do, basically my life must be like a prison, and his must go on as normal. today he broke up with me, and dont know how to deal with my financial constraints. i know i cant choose his thoughts for him, or force him to love me, or do all he did for me. please help!

  169. thea Post author

    I am so sorry to hear of your nine year battle. I am sorry to hear of the financial constraints too. But living in a prison is no way to live nor is living with an alcoholic too. I wonder if this person was only in your life to help you through that final hurdle and now his time in your life is done now? Is that possible?

    I know it’s hard and that you live apart and you need to adjust without his support but I think you’ll be ok if you give it some time. What was his reason for leaving in the end? Was it his lack of trust? You were right – you have no way of controlling how anyone else feels/thinks/acts/believes/anything. He has to look after and take responsibility for his own life, thoughts, feelings, fears etc.

    Keep on keeping on for now. We don’t know where the path is taking us. None of us do! That’s part of the excitement. Maybe clearing this man from your life might bring in a better fit – who’s NOT an alcoholic! Here’s hoping xx PS: I wish I could help more!

  170. leah

    Could the No contact for an extended period of time be a way of denying feelings about my ex? I’m really terrified that when I finally have to see my ex or run into him I will completely fall apart.

  171. Rose

    Hi All,

    I’m ashamed to say, after a year and 2 months after he split up, I still wish there was a second chance for us. I was living abroad and he was in my hometown, i thought he trouble loved me despite me not given even a 1/5 into the relationship. I asked for a chance as i saw my faults, and would treasure a 2nd chance. I found out he had a gf, in fact he had gone back to an old ex from his old gang of mates (they started to have contact a month before our split). I’ve move back to my hometown a few months ago now. He knows, seemed supportive, however situation has not changed, and not even meet once for a coffee or something easy (i wont ask either).
    Please do not get me wrong: he is in my mind, had esporadic contact, not anymore, but i do “nothing” at all to disturbe him or his relationship.
    But the more i feel time goes by, i seem to go backwards.
    Be as cruel as you like to me, believe me – I do it myself. This is insane, and just want peace. I love him too much to disturbe him (specially if he is happy), can i please just stop loving him! I really want to let go.
    I can’t find a way to stop wanting …maybe one day… and I must. He is not there at all.
    Peace I need peace.

  172. thea Post author

    It seems like you waste a LOT of energy Leah. Why worry about something that may never happen. Be present. Focus on getting happy and healthy…let that be your MAIN focus…and trust that you’ll be fine no matter what.

    Why allow images of yourself “falling apart” even into your brain. Start repeating “I can handle it” every time you have pointless dramas like that playing in your head. You are handling it – one day at a time. That’s the only way through it.

  173. thea Post author

    Well I’ve no need to be cruel to you. Especially if you’re doing that to yourself.

    I didn’t actually follow your post too well I am afraid. I’m sorry about that. It seemed a bit all over the place and thus I am not sure how I can best help you.

    Random thoughts back:

    Sporadic contact should be cut off I am guessing.

    You need to have more positive and constructive things to focus on so you’re not just letting the thoughts spiral in your mind.

    You need to cut yourself some slack on your time line. Punishing yourself for not having the peace after 14 months or whatever is FUTILE. You have to do things that make you feel better not worse.

    What would you say to your best friend who was struggling? How would you help her?

    Letting go is a gradual process. Bit by bit, day by day.

    Finally I have, for many years on this site, said it can take up to 2 years to really get over someone of significance (that’s not to say you’ll be in pain for 2 years only that some things can affect you right on down that line).

    Also there are some people who take less time and some much more.

    A lot depends on the individual’s attitudes. Are you a victim or a survivor?

    Be honest.

    What you choose to focus on – e.g. your pain – simply creates MORE of it.

    Change your focus to the good in your life and watch that expand.

    Good luck and goodnight.

  174. Hannah

    I made the mistake of making him my world!! My comfort zone!
    His behavior forced me to end things though, so I wasn’t dumped, but I’m empty without him and want him back as a best friend! We were on and off for nearly a year! I’m giving him time and space, then going to talk to him. We ended with a fight. But the waiting game is so exhausting!! I’m very impatient and I like to make up after a fight almost immediately! And he’s not the same way! I’m giving it a fortnight. The fight ended with him claiming ‘being friends’ doesn’t work with ex’s.. because you aren’t able to cope when they move on with someone else! Yet I disagree..because if I don’t have him in my life as a friend… this emptiness and loneliness over the loss of a best friend in my life will still be there. I’m 21 by the way and he is 22. (Btw I read all the comments on this article! It made me feel better to know that I’m not the only one hurting and struggling, and that there are others alot worse off than me)

  175. Anonymous

    I read your article a few weeks ago when I broke up with my ex. Since then my emotions aren’t as erratic but I still miss him a lot. Here’s my story: we’ve been dating for like a year and we’re both college students. For the summer, he moved away to work out of state and since then communication was very difficult and we were going to have a relationship talk but never got to it, largely because of him. I got frustrated with him and said some things I didn’t mean to say (I essentially ‘broke up with him’ out of anger (I have done this a few times before but we both knew we didn’t mean it)). Afterwards, he didn’t contact me and we didn’t talk for awhile; I refused to contact him for two weeks because I was tired of initiating contact and I felt as if I was holding him back. I wasn’t sure if things were really over and when I called him, I found out that the week prior he slept with a girl he had a thing for. I felt cheated on, but he didn’t feel the same way, he cited that we were never official to begin with (but he still refered to me as an ex) and that I already ‘broken up’ with him before that.

    I feel angered that the person I trusted so much and who I always turned to for support could turn into such a stranger. I know that hes not in an official relationship with this new girl and that they probably won’t date for awhile because hes going back to college and they would be separated by distance. In addition, I feel as if I should have known better because before I started a relationship with him, he could have entered into a relationship with someone else but they both agreed that they should pause it because of the geographic distance (this was last year and summer break was starting), I didn’t think much of the other girl because he made it seem like it wasn’t important. I dont know if I’m thinking too much into it or was his inability to commit apparent from the start? In addition, he claims that his lack of commitment to me was my fault because I didnt want to be official with him. I never labelled him as my significant other but have always considered him to be.

    Also, I haven’t been able to cut contact with him because a part of me is not used to him not being in my life and I still want to be back with him. Part of me also thinks that he calls me when he misses me because I know that he is not completely over me (I feel used because he has someone new but hes remaining in touch with me so his routine is not completely disrupted). He did express remorse for hurting my feelings but not for his actions… I was highly upset that he ‘cheated’ on me because I didn’t want our relationship to end like this. He was so integrated into my life and we shared many good memories and I feel wronged that he ruined my impression of him just like that. He pointed out that our relationship has been rocky especially because I would argue with him a lot. I feel that if we had ‘the talk’ things may not have turned out like this…We talked a couple times since we broke up and we agreed to be friends. I’m not ready to be his friend and his mentioning of friendship, hurts me because I want to be more. Right now, I’m torn because I will soon have to face him again when college starts again. I still feel hurt by what he did but I still want an ‘us’. What should I do?

  176. thea Post author

    Hannah did I reply? I honestly can’t remember. Sorry about that. Sorry also for the fact you’ve seemingly lost your best friend. The thing is you might be able to be just friends once some time has elapsed. The trick is not to see this as the end of the world – only a different chapter. Get out and live and create stuff worth sharing in the next chapter – either with him or someone else.

    I know what you mean. I had an on off thing some years ago (more off than on) but he was a best friend, lover and confidante and that went away. It was sore for a long time, I won’t lie. Probably well over a year! But eventually that sadness wanes and it no longer pains us. That’s a good thing. Will my “friend” and I be friends again? I don’t know. Maybe yes. Maybe no. Either way I 1) am grateful for our time together – he taught me more than any relationship ever did 2) wish him the absolute best in life whoever he’s with.

    Time and forgiveness and releasing are great factors in healing.

    You’re both so young – early 20s. There are dozens of people who will ebb and flow from your life. Take it from me. Sometimes they go for months, sometimes even years but the trick is just to “ALLOW” it to happen and not cling onto it. It’s holding on tight that causes the pain.

    You’re not the “only one hurting” – on some level, in addition to all the lovely folks here, your ex is hurting too. He is missing you at times too. He’s wishing he could reach out too. I suspect he doesn’t do so because he doesn’t want to give mixed signals. But I have every faith in the world when I say he misses you too. Maybe not everything about you. Maybe not the tough times. Maybe not certain things you did. But he misses you too.

    You take care ok?

  177. Hannah

    Thanks Thea,

    Your advice is really good. Thing is (after 9 days of not talking since our split), I went over to his place.. and he seemed happy and not like he missed me at all. Because of a comment his neighbour said, I was extremely hurt thinking he was already sleeping around and so went to visit my ex’s best friend..who told me that my ex seemed happy the times he’d seen him since our fight. And that his honest opinion was that I loved him more than he loved me. I went back and waited for my ex, and found out the neighbour had been mistaken (he had evidence she misinterpreted what she saw). During our last fight.. he’d said being friends wouldn’t work because he wouldn’t be able to cope seeing me date other guys..and that he needs years to get over me. (I responded to that by saying it was rediculous for him to expect me to wait years to date again). His views on us not being friends hadn’t changed when I visited him. But he said I should keep visiting him…but he said he didn’t classify that as being friends. Which I see as rediculous. I told him I don’t visit people that aren’t friends, and I left. Later that day I hear from someone that he tried to cheat with his ex on me 4-6 months back. That’s made me mad and made not seeing him easier!!

  178. thea Post author

    >> Who told me that my ex seemed happy the times he’d seen him since our fight. And that his honest opinion was that I loved him more than he loved me.

    This is sort of ridiculous. I mean who knows what someone else really thinks and feels, you know? Feelings ebb and flow in life. Very few things remain constant.

    >> During our last fight.. he’d said being friends wouldn’t work because he wouldn’t be able to cope seeing me date other guys..and that he needs years to get over me. (I responded to that by saying it was rediculous for him to expect me to wait years to date again).

    I don’t really understand why you really responded to such a thing and let alone with what you did. What he says makes sense for most people – until both parties are over it – then it’s too hard to see the ex move on.

    I didn’t see anywhere there where he was saying “please wait a few years”.

    >> But he said I should keep visiting him

    I say don’t do that and get on with your life in every way possible.

    You’re right people don’t stop by to visit the people they’re not “friends” with.

    Really the sooner you can get to acceptance that it’s over and move on the better you will feel. This goes for hearing anything from any well-meaning friends or acquaintances. Frankly nothing you hear will really make you feel better. In this case if it prevents you from contacting him or popping in on him then I am glad.

    I was around your age when my first love and I parted ways. I am so grateful I had that relationship. It was a good one. I think he ended up marrying the next girl which stung a bit – but it doesn’t discount that he was my first love. Even she can’t take that away from me!

    Look after you! Remember ignorance is bliss. OK? Less heard the better. Good luck.

  179. terri

    I started seeing a man in November after ending a 6 1/2 year relationship with another. (it had been over for nearly 1 year) that previous relationship had been struggling for a couple of years when it ended and he was not good for me so it was a relief when it was over. I had not set out to intentionally meet anyone. Oh I put an online dating profile up, but was never serious about meeting anyone and did not go out with anyone. I happened to meet this man purely by chance in oct. and started “seeing him” in november.

    at first we spent several nights together each week; he called nearly everyday and he seemed really into me. He did lots of nice things for me without me asking and he was just a lot of fun to be around. we enjoyed doing the same things. He told me many things that made me think he wanted a relationship with me; things like “I’m glad you are in my life…I have really missed you….I had a dream about you last night where I was reaching for you…” “you are just so easy going to be with” those kinds of things.

    I thought everything was going along, but by April it felt like it wasn’t really moving towards anything. He had met one of my siblings by then, but I had not met his children and only once did he take me out where I met some of his work friends. But still, it felt like he still really cared for me. He had in the beginning told me that because of some emotional issues, he liked his private time and space. so it didn’t really bother me that I didn’t hear from every day. he was still doing things for me around the house; he was a mr fix it and was doing things without me even asking him to.

    then just by chance in May, I found that he had 2 online dating profiles up. when I talked to him about that, I was ready to end it. He said he wasn’t seeing anyone and only had those up because it was “entertaining.” I was still seeing him every weekend and at least one night during the week, so it didn’t seem likely that he had time for anyone else.

    He told me he “wanted to work it out.” so we did. for a short time. even though he told me he was struggling with his emotions and he wanted to feel more for me, but wasn’t. he said maybe he was expecting to feel too much too soon, but he and I were both willing to give it a try. He told me he was going to take the profiles down, but a month later he said something that made me suspicious.

    He mentioned something about “yeah look where we met.” (referring to an online dating site-we met elsewhere, not online) sure enough his profiles were still up. He gave me a computer that when I went to the history showed his profiles and I pulled it up and there he had been emailing other women about meeting, etc. It was so hurtful. and stupid of him. he should have erased all history, but he didn’t and when I clicked on the profile, it went right to his personal profile, email and all.

    I was devestated because I had really developed feelings for this man who really had been so good to me-up until that point. so I ended it. sent him an email telling him that I knew and that I couldn’t do this anymore. He denied ever having met anyone or “cheating” on me, but I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. so for 2 weeks I moped and cried and talked to just about anyone about what happened. Problem was, I missed him like crazy and felt that I should have talked to him in person before making a hasty decision to drop him via email.

    so I did the stupid thing and contacted him. we emailed back and forth for a while and then I told him that I regretted my actions and wanted him back. Well that’s exactly what happened. He came back and things seemed like we might be able to work this out for about 2 weeks. then he started withdrawing. he stopped calling as much-only every few days and then I only saw him about once a week and it seemed like I was initiating that contact. only once or twice did he ask to see me. then after a short time, he started being non committal about getting together…I would say something about the upcoming weekend and he would say something like, “well, I don’t know…not sure what’s going on.”

    I got the message loud and clear that the was backpeddling. in fact for the month that we were back together, we didn’t see each other on the weekends at all. we had made plans for one weekend, (initiated by him) but he canceled due to “work obligations.” oh he texted me over that weekend, but I never saw him.

    on a couple of those weekends, I had gone out of town and one weekend he said he was “sick,” but called saying he was disappointed because he had wanted to do something with me. well, 2 days ago, he texted me on my way home from work. he said he couldn’t do this anymore and although he felt lonely, he felt bad putting me off all of the time. the texts and messages continued through out the evening and he even told me that he thought he should be in love with me at this point and he wasn’t; he said he tried to have feelings for me, but he didn’t.

    he said that after we got back together, “things didn’t feel the same” and he felt that he was just using me and that wasn’t right. he said the usual things like, it wasn’t me, it was him, and that I “deserved better than” him. he said that he was an idiot for letting me go, but he “tried and it just didn’t work.” He wouldn’t talk to me on the phone-all of this was via texting and email. the best was when he actually said that he was “struggling with still feeling love for his ex wife.”

    so here I am. 2 days post breakup and feeling hurt, confused, used and torn up. like he took my heart out and stomped all over it. I feel stupid because I saw the signs. he told me in May that he was expecting to feel love for me, but didn’t; he had online dating profiles up that proved he was not committed to me. yet I took him back because i cared for him and was hopeful,

    even though I now know that was stupid. when I asked him why he came back to me, he actually said that he “wasn’t sure.” I am just having trouble with all of this right now. Part of me wonders if he didn’t get back with me just to break it off with via an electronic message just like I did with him. Maybe that is reaching, but it sort of feels like that. so my heart is hurting because of this jerk; I got rid of his things and the things he got me already; I have deleted his voice mails, emails and telephone number. I have gotten rid of pictures of him on my computer. I know things will get better, but right now this feeling really sucks. It hepls to write this all down. thanks

  180. thea Post author

    Terri sorry you are feeling so low, so robbed and hurt.

    Some of that anger is at him and some is at yourself for taking him back despite the warning signs – but man haven’t we all been there before?

    I would try to find a way to put a positive spin in it…e.g. Let’s see 1) it’s not really day two of the break up – you did some of the healing a month ago. 2) you got some stuff done around the house by Mr Fix it. 3) you presumably had some fun (probably sex), some dates etc 4) you have had a reprieve. Imagine you settle down with this guy and he went seeing women behind your back or he just SETTLED for you even though he didn’t actually love and want to be with you.

    The thing is – you’re at that stage where you’re taking it all personally. You reading into everything that was said / done – some of the blame you’re placing is on him some of it’s on yourself…you’re likely taking it personally but the fact is it’s not really PERSONAL.

    When someone doesn’t feel that indescribable wow towards us – it’s not a crime. It just is what it is you know? It’s good he told you. There might be people out there who whine it was done in a cowardly fashion but I am one who 1) tries to remain non-judgmental and 2) sees myself in everyone. Breaking up with someone is hard to do – especially when we know someone will be hurt, shocked, disappointed, angry (or whatever) with our decision.

    He missed you when that time had elapsed. He enjoyed your company but he just didn’t want a relationship with you. I had one like that. he married the next one he dated but wouldn’t class him as the happiest of men…so who really knows.

    What I do know is that you need to start loving Self. It’s an inside job. Then you’ll attract that kind of guy who vibrates that back to you.

    This guy’s fine. I am sure he’s not a bad guy. But he’s sounding a bit wishy washy and a fence sitter.

    Find the guy who’s bold. Who has some staying power. Who treats you with love and respect and takes his dating site profiles down when he’s seeing you!

    You really will be ok. I look forward to that day where you come back and say “You know Thea you were so right – that guy was totally not suitable for me for the long haul and I’ve found one who is.” Be sure to come back and tell me that will you?

    You’re just fine. Take it one day at a time. Do a lot of writing (get a journal) and get those words out of your head onto the paper…

    Take care,


  181. Jason

    This has been very helpful and if I may, I’d like to share my story. I haven’t written it down yet and I apologize for the length. I suppose 4 and 1/2 months is nothing compared to the time others have spent together but what makes this so hard is how hard we’d fallen for each other – or so I thought. We met online and within 2 days met up. She was very assertive, something I lacked, so it made it very easy.

    After fighting it for a few weeks I knew I was in love and told her. She has a 2 year old son that I was apprehensive to love since I’d been single for 5+ years and never dated anyone with a child. (I’m 28, she’s 22) and things were SO PERFECT. We shared so many interests it was a dream come true – video games, outdoors, etc (things you don’t normally find a girl interested in). Not to mention she was gorgeous – skinny, short and just what I’d been waiting years for. After about 2 months I let all my guards down and no longer feared we’d ever breakup. We’d assured each other multiple times. I’d thought I’d found “the one” – soon afterwards marriage was lightly discussed til it became common place. It was going to happen. I wasn’t going to rush into it, but I knew down the road we’d be a family someday.

    She still lived at her parents place 1.5 hours away and I was going to rescue her. We talked kid’s names, number of people at the wedding and future plans. Just last weekend we were at a park and she was asking her 2 yr old if he wanted me to be his daddy. Well 5 days later on a Friday, with plans made for the upcoming weekend I get home to find all my things and a note letting me know she was still in love with her ex and spoke with him for several days before to confirm his feelings for her. I’d even asked at one point in our relationship if she held onto any feeling for anyone in her past and she’d told me no. There were no signs that week either. The night before she was wishing I was down there cause she felt lonely and me not knowing what was to come, I comforted her by stating we’d be together over the weekend and to hang tough. This was a common occurrence anyway.

    Now I’m so heartbroken and so lonely. It’s Monday and my weekend consisted of me pacing, thinking, venting and hunger pangs with no appetite. She was with me when I moved into my new apartment 2 months ago so I can’t revert back to memories there when I didn’t know her. We’ve spoken twice cause she gave me the courtesy of getting my questions answered but more have come up and I’m not sure if they’ll be answered now that I text her 2 nights ago letting her know she was a horrible person.

    For the sake of her son she told me she plans to take a break before she starts to see the other guy again and I keep holding onto the false hope she will come back to me. I’d asked about her son and the new guy and since they’d dated before she knew he loved her son, which left me more hopeless feeling.

    I found things around my place that were hers and her sons that I want to give back but I’m not sure if it’s in my best interest to drive down to meet her for that. After all, I want to see them both again but not sure if I could bear it. The only times I don’t feel so depressed is when I’m telling someone my story, otherwise, in those quiet moments, my heart beats so intensely at times and I feel such despair.

    I’d planned to have a family by 30 and it was a lifelong goal and I’m so afraid it may not happen since I’m not really the type to go out and meet new people. I just can’t understand how she could do such a thing to me after all we had discussed and planned. I wish I could just remove the part of my brain that keeps me thinking of them. We made A LOT of memories in such a short time. I hadn’t been so active in years. It was so refreshing. Now I just feel lost and I don’t know what to do. Nothing seems to interest me.

  182. thea Post author

    First of all short ones can be tough to get over because they’re a “what might have been”.

    one thing that I will say (and you will hate) is you’re at totally different places in your life. 22 years old is still young and immature (even with a kid). I know you fell hard for her but it sounds like she was either dating too soon, or lying to herself about her ex (many many people do that).

    I know she likes to do all the things, she’s a cool chick and yadda yadda but right now it sounds like you might considering getting on with your healing and growing as a result of this and trusting that if you two are meant to have any more of a relationship on down the road you will.

    Not what you want to hear and so I am sure you’re going to be resistant to that but really my hope is you’ll 1) start eating 2) getting good sleep 3) stay active (try joining some groups on and get back on your path of bringing in a relationship.

    I’d also ditch your “have a family by 30” and come up with a new and better one. That “life long goal” is way too much pressure. I am all for GOAL SETTING. I really really am – but that sort of goal is out of your control. And in some ways it may make you come across as too heavy/serious – even if you’re not saying or doing anything. We’re all vibrational and people can pick up on energies. 4 months and talking marriage and kids and so forth with a 22 year old? Really?

    Marriage should be save for the 30s anyway – because who you are at 22 is not who you are at 32. Heck who you are at 28 is not who you are at 32. We’re growing and coming into our own in that period. It’s a big period of flux. Everyone I know goes through big changes around 28 (give or take a year). I could list about 10 things that were big in that era of my life. Job changes home changes, marriage ending – etc. Most people as I say go through this sort of thing.

    You just have to find ways for you to turn the pain into gain. Whatever that means for you. Healing and bringing in someone who shares your level of feelings and commitment perhaps.

    She’s not a horrible person at all. She’s young. She’s immature. She probably was in denial. She didn’t do anything “wrong” as such – she just got involved with someone when her feelings were not finished with the last one.

    The so-called love of my life ran off with a work colleague. We’d been together years and had just bought a big home – the type you have a family in. I called him “horrible” for a while too but really he wasn’t. It is not a crime for them to not stay in love with us. Unfortunate, yes but not a crime at all. I believe she liked and cared for you. I don’t think it was “love” on either part – not after just a few months. It sounds like it got pretty heavy pretty quick. So maybe she is with this other guy or maybe she just used it as a convenient excuse.

    In any event it’s not personal – she simply didn’t feel like she was able to continue for now. Maybe on down the road it will work out? Who knows? Maybe by then you’ll be moved on and happy with a new woman. In a year or two you may just have that marriage and kid/s that you want. Who knows? But the fact is – you gotta be happy alone with yourself before every having any sustained happiness with anyone else.

    You need be the kind of guy any would want to be dating (and get engaged and later married to).

    Start stepping out of that box you’ve shoved yourself in and live a little. Don’t play the shy type card and make yourself get out and meet new people (again try

    As for her stuff – box it up and get it out of site. Is there really anything that important that needs to go back now? If so then get it back? If not, stick it out of sight somewhere for now. You will be able to handle meeting up again in time. Just give it some time before you try.

    Good luck.

  183. leah

    Thea, thanks for the reply a couple weeks ago about don’t waste so much energy worrying. The problem has been that since my ex broke up with me and I moved out 6 weeks ago, he’s been going to our mutual place to buy food at where we work with his new love. ( actually I guess he started going there and other placesz with her before we broke up.) So since the beginning of my breakup experience I’ve had to stay away from there and always bring my lunch so I don’t have to see them together. I can’t understand how someone could be that cruel whenthey first break up with you. That relly saddens me. Its like they are rubbing it in my face like I did something to deserve it. Which I did not.

  184. leah

    I didn’t mean to buy food I meant to have lunch on my last comment about my ex. He’s been coming to our building to have lunch with his new girlfriend because our building is where the cafe is. He never used to go there. apparently they used to go to subway or he would take his lunch. I don’t know if you can see my last comment but that’s what I meant. He didn’t and doesn’t care if I saw or see him there with her.

  185. thea Post author

    The problem is your thinking more than anything really on this Leah. I mean he’s not being cruel you’re just interpreting it that way. He’s a smitten kitten wrapped up in his budding romance and not giving you a moments thought. Yes you’re right – you or me – or many people would be more considerate and sensitive than this, but really he’s just totally distracted and not thinking (or he’s thinking with his other head).

    I know it sucks. I’ve had many many people going through what you’re going through on this site over the years – forced to see the ex with someone new at work every day. It definitely prolongs the healing process but you really will get past it. Though it’s painful and tiring – I’d just paltrow my way through every work day. Paltrowing was a term I came up with back when the site launched when I had to play a sport on a team with my ex. I’d go to work, slap on a smile, flirt, laugh etc – the whole practice long – then I’d end up crying most the way home after but I just operated on this “fake it til you make it” attitude. In 12 step I think they call it “acting as if”.

    Really he’s not done anything “wrong” as painful as it is for you. He’s not deliberately being cruel – he’s just wrapped up in his own life not giving you any consideration. It hurts I know that it really does…but it’s not PERSONAL. Some day he’ll see YOU with someone else – or hear about it – moved on and happy and it will give HIM the painful twinge – mark my words.

    They aren’t rubbing it in your face. You’re not a victim. You don’t have give them the power or think such a hurtful thought. They aren’t acting like you “Deserve” it – this is all just your own faulty thinking. So find some good YOUTUBE videos to watch, maybe some BYRON KATIE (who always helps me when I am plagued with rattlesnakes of the mind)…She has changed the way I think more than anyone EVER. Maybe she can help you?

    Hang in there. x

  186. thea Post author

    Why should he care? He’s moved on. He’s had time to detach well before the actual split – so he’s thinking nothing of this.

    And you’re likely reading too much into all of it (I know it’s super hard and it sucks!!)

    But really where he eats and who with – is HIS BUSINESS. Not yours. It’s his prerogative. And he’s not doing it to wind you up or anything.

    My friend Nic always says – if a guy does or says something that can be taken 2 ways – take it the good way because that’s usually the way they mean it. In other words – don’t create some mind made misery in your head, a story about what this all means…Because it doesn’t “mean” anything. Apart from the fact he gets hungry and wants lunch. This is not about YOU anymore. Not in his head.

  187. Jason

    Inwasnwith this girl for five years we had our ups and downs you no like every one. But this who’ll time we were supost to move to
    Canada couse I have no papers as iv been waiting forte papers to go out there and make our life way more easy and more money and I just got a good new job and she did to but I live all the way in Chicago as she stays but 100 miles away from me now I had to move beck to city for this job to support Alyssa my my 3 year old son and every thing was going good and out of no we’re he started talking to some guy from Facebook and fell in love….. And straight treats me like shit now like Iv never been there……. Sucks for my kid idk it’s just
    All really mest up its to much to put in words I guess sorry for my spelling by the way I no it more be hard to read

  188. Josh carlisle

    my girlfriend broke it off with me over email a few months back and before that she wouldn’t talk to me because we had a fight… well i was more like her just getting mad at me for something little and at the end of it all i asked he is if she was still willing to try and make it work and if she still loved me… i had to wait two and a half long weeks before i got and answer from her by email. And it said ” i have thought about what you asked me and i have come to the conclusion that we should go our separate ways I’m sorry but that how i feel. i would still like to be friends if you are willing”. i don’t know why see did it but before see did she would hold things in and just blowup on me over little things. i would try to talk to her about it and tell her how i felt about it and she would promise that she wouldn’t do it again but she never could to it i guess. i could never tell her how pretty i thought she looked with out her being upset and she got pissed of at the idea that i would look at her in a sexual way. she had this stupid idea that if she had a burnt or cut up face her life would be easier because people would stop looking on her out side and look at her inside self. she would almost never say i love you unless i said it first… and she would never kiss me first. looking back know i feel so lost and unloved not because she left me but because of what i feel was or is missing… i really was a fool. I’m a nice guy and treated her like she was the last rose on this planet and i wish she just could see that all i wanted was for her to smile. i really would have put my life on the line for her… i still have feelings for her as you can see and it dose not help that my sister is still friend with her and still brings her name up. things for me have gotten better, but I’m still hurt. i hate my self for still having feelings for her and i tried a bit of drinking but its really not for me lol. I’m not mad at her at all just at my self. i know that see will never come back but i still have these stupid dreams that one day she will come back…. life really is a bitch.

  189. Louise

    Hi Thea,
    My ex and I were best friends from the age of thirteen and never actually got together until I was seventeen. He helped me through some of the most difficult times of my life, and we spoke everyday for literally six years. He helped me through so much and made me feel so comfortable.
    We decided to be together as I said when I turned seventeen and for a while it was perfect, then gradually things like jealousy set in and we both became quite bitter. After a few breaks he finally broke it off and from that instant I knew he didn’t feel the same anymore. We had a few arguments a few weeks after we split and he has told me he never wants to talk to me again (I’ve said some pretty horrible things out of anger). The last conversation we had he blamed me for everything that went wrong, and he no longer cares for my well-being. I simply don’t know how to go on without him now that such a massive part of my life is gone. It is probably best we don’t communicate but how can it be so easy for him. I’ve text him to say sorry for what I’ve said during arguments and he has said nothing. I hate that he believes this to be entirely my fault, and it’s making me believe that too since I’m getting no response. How can he no longer care after all we helped eachother through? It hurts so much to know that I’ve lost him as a friend, and it also petrifies me because I’ve told him so much, what if he tells anyone?
    I’ve deleted his number but I know it off by heart, same as his email. I blocked him on facebook but noticed before I did that he seems genuinely happy. I’m not upset the relationship ended, I’m upset I lost the one person who truly makes me feel safe. I don’t know who to trust now? If the person who loves you can move on so easily then anyone can?
    I’m so scared that this will get worse if he says anything to anyone, I also can’t believe that after so long he’s so fine with it all. I cry in the morning and night mostly with some bouts of happiness. I just can’t stop thinking about how much I love him. The last few months have been tense but I never thought he’d leave me entirely. How can he just forget when I’m lost?
    I’m riddled with feelings of guilt, sadness and grief, and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to be able to have one night where I don’t wake up and think about him or dream about him. I just want to know he still cares but he has told me he doesn’t, and I do believe him.
    I can’t find comfort anywhere and it’s making me more and more miserable as the days go on. I don’t want to live without my best friend. It’s thrown me into a world I’ve never been use to. I can’t do this by myself 🙁

    Please help!

  190. thea Post author

    Hey J sorry for the delay. Life’s been getting in the way…

    Sucky story indeed. So this kid is from a different woman I take it? You’re 100 miles apart. Not speaking any more because she has a new man then?

    Five years is an awfully long time to be dating someone and to have it end so “out of the blue” like that. I understand your pain. It’s just gonna take some time before you start to feel better about this situation. In some ways it’s good she’s far away. We have people on this blog that have to work with their ex – and watch them take lunch with their replacement. You know. Imagine seeing your ex with that new guy every day!

    So that’s my 1 positive for you.

    2 – I guess you’ve been through a break up or two before – and you got over those. So you have a “benchmark” – history to know you’ve done it before and you will do it again.

    3 – she could have stayed with you – even long distance – and CHEATED on you behind your back. But she didn’t do that. She, I guess, ended things before doing anything with Mr New.

    I know it feels messed up. But really it just “is what it is”. It’s the universe’s way of saying “it’s time to move on” or “it’s time to be SOLO” now. Time to focus on your darling son! Be a great dad and teach him how to be a great man. You know.

    It’s good you got a new job. I hope it’s going great. Work can be a real God-send for you now.Something positive to focus on. Work hard. Make some good money. Feel good about yourself. Be the kind of guy any woman would be fortunate to be dating!

    You take care now ok? Do hang in there. x

  191. thea Post author

    Sorry 1am..Busy 10 to 12 hour days. In Edinburgh next 2 days but will try to sit and reply asap. OK?

    Repeat after me (often) “I can handle this”. or “I’m handling it”. You are and you will continue to do so.

    Don’t make assumptions about how ANYONE else is feeling / thinking / etc.

    People MASK their reality sometimes. Fake happiness. Or exaggerate it.

    Keep living – even without the best friend. Make way for new wonderful dear friends to come in.

    More soon. Too sleepy to make sense. So sorry x

  192. matt

    Hey Thea…. After 5 yeard and a child my ex n I have had enough… There isnt anymore passion, until we break up n get bacj together. Last yr we broke up and she immediatley moved onto someone else n after a few weeks, her and I started sleeping together again, while she was still with this guy. We got back together in august ’11 n broke up again at the beginning of this august snd ladt week I found out she met a guy n the next day had him at her house witj my son and she slept with him. She ignores me until hes not around and then she wants to be civil and even.says she misses n loves me n wants to work on things in the future, among other things. I confronted her infront of her new man because she has been toying with my emotions(which I was wrong for) and I called her out on everything and she completely, lied and denied everything. Is she really hsppy? Or is likegshejjjjjjj justvtrying to fill a void?I dont know why I care being this is the second time. And dont get me wrong, if had more thasn my shares of mess ups but

  193. leah

    Thank you thea for your replies the last couple of months and this website. I was writing to you a couple weeks ago about my ex and I work for the same company in two buildings that are entwined gossip wise and share a common area. ugh. that’s not fine as you said. I do want to say that it’s been about 60 days-70 days ( i’m not sure) since he dumped me and went with someone else he’d been seeing. To anyone who feels like they will never feel better at first I must say I am starting to have some good days which is very hopeful. It is very hard at times at work because people feel the need to tell me every time they see them or every time there is new gossip. I have repeated to them please don’t tell me anything. I think theres some even worse gossip going around because I can tell certain people want to tell me something and I tell them no. I imagine they are engaged or pregnant, I don’t know. But when I’m off work it’s a lot easier to not care as much. Also, it’s so embarrassing. Writing in a journal really has been helpful for me ( to him but not sending it also) as you said Thea. I was wondering why you say “paltrowing” through also? Also it is easier to cut off all contact but when I do have to contact about our mortgage paperwork or my son I am finding my anger hard to control after I have to speak to him. He is being really rude even though he is the one who broke up with me. I have said we can only e-mail back and forth so I don’t get out of hand and say anything else I will regret like at the beginning of our breakup. I am thinking this is going to take a long time to feel totally better but there are some good days. yay!

  194. thea Post author

    Leah baby thanks for the update. I know it’s hard and it will be a roller coaster for the rest of the year no doubt (especially b/c you were in the same building as them)…but the fact you’re having some GOOD DAYS is encouraging isn’t it 🙂

    Fabulous. Do keep me posted. Proud of you! x

  195. Robert davies

    Am two years into my wife leaving me for another man. Don’t seem to be getting any better. Feel very lonely and am unemployed as was a house husband. Nothing seems to work for me . Self esteem is rock bottom and I am used as a baby sitter by my ex to enjoy herself. I don’t love her any more but find it hard to let go of the anger I feel at being betrayed. Feel I have been used by someone I loved deeply and trusted completely.

  196. thea Post author

    Hi Robert, I am so sorry you’re still feeling such pain after loving and trusting someone so much. I know just how it feels as everyone here does. It’s 2 years on now and I’d hope you’d be feeling better and more over it. What are you doing to change your life Robert? What are you doing to find your purpose? To find some gainful employment? To help other people and in turn helping yourself? If you are idle – sitting around “unemployed” watching day time tv (or whatever) then no wonder you feel so low. You know?

    The thing about the anger and the betrayal is WHO IS IT HURTING? It’s hurting YOU not her? She’s off having fun with the new guy (or whoever) why you sit around. But what is the point in holding on to that justification about how “hard done” you’ve been done by so to speak.

    In other words – you had no say in the matter of that woman running off with another guy but for TWO YEARS you’ve been in the driver seat CHOOSING how you’re interpreting it. NO ONE ELSE. it’s no one else’s job to get you work, get you happy, get you friends, find you love. It’s yours.

    So stop the pity party and pull out some paper and write down 10 things you want to do.

    Join a club, get in shape, hike Kilimanjaro, write a novel, start a business, learn a new skill, make a record,…

    Surf over to MEETUP.COM – and find a group or two to join.

    No one is going to FIX THIS for you Robert. It’s down to you and the choices you’re making or not making as the case may be. Instead of sitting around being “bitter” it’s time to start getting “better”.

    Go out there, be friends, be engaging, and attract that sort of person to you (men and women!). Be the kind of man any woman would be grateful to have in her life. Right now you’re not painting me a picture that you ARE that guy, you know? So time to take some action hon.

    Work on releasing the anger. Aim for ambivalence. Get to the point you wish her well and you will start to really heal and move on.

    Think about what you’re teaching your kid/s. What are you teaching about resilience? About sadness? Bitterness? How unfair the world is….

    You can do this. Please report back soon with some BABY STEPS you’ve taken toward forgiveness and finding new social circles. OK?

    Hang in there…you’re in the driver’s seat. Where do you want to go? x

  197. SHELBY


  198. thea Post author

    Next time please release the CAPS button…as it’s considered shouting…That said I guess you probably DO feel like shouting and I fully understand the pain you’re going through. He’s a free man to do what he wants to do but I understand the hard part is the deceit eh? The lies about it. Or the half truths. In some way he might have been actually trying to spare you pain but of course we never VIEW it that way.

    Sounds like you have had a lucky ex-scape if I am being honest.

    Burn me once – shame on me…Burn my twice…

    You gave him a 2nd chance – just try not to make it a 7th one.

    Draw a line under it – wish him well and bring in a guy who treats you with love, fidelity, honesty and respect.

    No less than you deserve.

    Stop wasting ANY energy on HATING him. That only hurts you not him! Don’t punish you ok?

    Take care now. x

  199. SHELBY

    I do apologize for the caps. Is’nt it easy to tell someone you don’t want to be with them instead of wasting everyone’s time.My hurt and confusion is intesified because after he was busted is when I heard stuff that I should have heard earlier. He had a list of reasons after he was busted: he says I never discussed a future that included him, he didnt see a future cause he doesnt like the way he cant control his feelings when with me, he had to have some1 to keep from falling in love with me. He had sooo many excuses after he was busted. He could have said all of this at the end of 2009. I thought our genuine friendship would make both of us be honest…I see that wasnt the case. I covered a tattoo with his initial in it last year. He said after I covered it he saw that as I saw no future for us. Thea, keep in mind, his was already covered!!!!!I just want a reason!! for why he did this…I asked him” once you found someone why didnt you cut me off?” he has not answered and I have asked more than once!!!

  200. thea Post author

    If you can park your ego at the door (just for a moment) – were any of the things he said actually true? Can you own any of that? Could you have communicated more / better?

    I guess what matters was – even if they seem like “excuses” to you (and they may well be) – that’s how he felt and as always PERSPECTIVE is a mirror not a fact. So while he may have just been citing them as excuses, they might actually be true.

    >> I thought our genuine friendship would make both of us be honest…

    Honey the more years I put in at the helm of this site the more I see that just doesn’t happen – almost anywhere. Been working on a blog about how no one really knows anyone else.

    >> I asked him” once you found someone why didnt you cut me off?” he has not answered and I have asked more than once!!!

    I don’t think you will get an answer. Not one you’ll like or that will make you feel better so STOP ASKING.

    Chances are he doesn’t know anyway. Doesn’t sound too aware. 🙂

    In any event it’s over now. Focus on your own life, happiness, goals, etc.

    Trying to work out what he’s doing/thinking/feeling and why he did what he did is a waste of your vital energy. Fixate on what you can fix in your own life and leave him and her to get on with it.

    He kept seeing you because he liked you and cared for you and fancied you and he didn’t want to give you up. Wanted his cake and to eat it too as a guess.

    Take care hon. x

  201. thea Post author

    Was that a bad Wow? Sorry I was trying to give some “tough love” – in a “leave the guy behind and get on with it” sort of way! I did do the blog I mentioned – posted it today!

    Check it out x

  202. SHELBY

    I apologize Thea for not answering your question. No, what he said (excuses) were not true. I was with him because I saw a future and wanted him. i never verbally said it (he didnt either), but I definitely showed it.

  203. thea Post author

    Oh phew – sometimes I can come across a bit abrasive or blunt online – it doesn’t always go down well (but heart always in right place).

    If they guys is lying and making excuses and with someone else now you’ve got your answer it’s time to move on with out him. Clear the way for someone much better to come into your life.

    Try and see what you’ve learned from this that you can apply in the next one.

    It’s all good. My motto is “every day above ground is a good day” 🙂 x

  204. leah

    I was reading earlier comments and I too heard what was wrong with our relationship after he broke up with me. He kept everything inside and did not share his concerns and said we didn’t need counseling when i asked if we could go. Whatever, I guess. In some ways I am seeing that we are DEFINITELY not compatible…as he said after 8-9 years of being with me….I’ll give him that. I’m glad I’m not in such grief anymore that all I can eat is dry flavored oatmeal packets and soup. I keep having my moments but i’m getting some good times too. I sometimes really hate him because he lied. Also it is weird when someone breaks up with you and they treat you mean. Don’t understand that.

  205. leah

    It’s good to read other peoples stories and know you’re not the only one but i feel bad for everyone. As well as myself I guess. Talk about a pity party. I’m trying to get out and do stuff but sometimes this breaking up sadness just takes over and I can’t do much of anything. At times I’m so paranoid that everyone is against me because they are on my ex-s “side” or something. I know they don’t even give a crap but I still get like that. Sometimes it’s so hard. I can’t keep up with my emotions.

  206. thea Post author

    Sorry for the delay. The site was off for several days now…You might have noticed?

    Hope you’re hanging in there hon. I know it’s hard but you really are doing great.

    It’s so not easy having to work in the same company / building / area whatever.

    I had an ex that I did some work for but who in fact walked past my house every day (still does). Twice a day!! For a long time I’d gravitate toward the window to get a glimpse of him walking by in the distance. It was so hard. I missed him so much. It was a very sad time. But I remember how happy I was the day I realised it’d been days since I even looked or noticed the time. Eventually the thought stopped entering my mind.

    So this stuff eventually does stop affecting us, it really does. You hang in there ok? xx

  207. Sarah

    Been about 24 hours now and I feel terrible. He was very kind, polite, honest and mature, and also said he wanted to be friends, with in some ways is making it harder (I don’t think I can be his friend yet!). I feel like this would be much easier if I could be angry at him rather than simply sad that he doesn’t want me anymore. I’ve boxed up things that remind me of him, but can’t seem to eat or stop crying. I also keep focusing on the beginning of the relationship, which was great, rather than the long time in which I wasn’t so happy towards the end. Hoping that it’ll get easier of the next few weeks. I wish there was some way to skip this, but I know it will be okay eventually.

  208. Gary

    My ex decided to end things a couple of days ago and its killing me, she said she doesn’t have the same feelings for me and that shes been feeling this way for a month, the thing is that shes pregnant with my child whom I want to be involved with as much as possibe so a clean break is impossible, we had only recently moved in with each other and now shes moved most of her stuff out back to her dads. I just dont understand how her feelings could change so quickly, shes adamant that its not the pregnany messing around with her hormones and that she wants to be alone as she feels like she had lost her independence I am really at a loss for what to do, we also work together so I will be seeing her every day.

  209. thea Post author

    Again sorry for the delay in writing…been a bit swamped…

    If you can’t be his friend yet. Don’t. But when someone is kind, polite, and mature – it often means I can be “friends” once time has elapsed. You’re right when someone is kind toward us we do sometimes with they were a total dick or something so we could just hate them and get on with it…but honestly speaking from experience and what I’ve seen here – you’d be JUST AS MISERABLE if he was a bastard 🙂

    It sucks in both cases…Just ride the waves, eventually the energy surrounding it does fade.

    Do eat. Try soup. Yogurt. Toast. Don’t punish your body. You need strength to heal.

    Write out the good stuff and the less good stuff. What worked and what didn’t. Be as detached as you can. Get it out of your head onto the page.

    Take a walk – put on some tunes and get some air. Even if you have to cry behind your specs.

    You will be ok hon. You ARE ok.

    Hang in there x

  210. Anonymous

    I posted on August 7th. Im back on my college campus now. Two weeks ago my ex said he wanted to be together again. He broke up with his gf, the one he left me for. How does this work? I’ve been with him for a year and when he broke up with me he had no time lapse between me and the new girl. Two weeks ago, I met up with him to talk and i saw him in person for the first time since he left to work in FL for the summer. When i left, i gave him a hug and we held on to each other really tight and didn’t let go. And that night he said he would break up with his gf that night. They only broke up three days later on fb. And now we’ve been spending a lot of time together and hes been staying over at my place just to sleep. Should I accept him? I don’t understand how he can shuffle through relationships without breaks.
    I think he has distance commitment problems, b/c before I met him he was kind of in a relationship with another girl but they lived in separate hometowns and it was summer break. This summer, we were also separated by distance and we broke up then as well. When he broke up with the girl he left me for, he was on campus while she was back home (all three of us live in the same city, but he and she both spent some time in FL this summer and she doesn’t go to the same college we do).

  211. sadbearface

    Just want to send a hug to everyone who has commented and who seems to feel so down, I do too, its horrible. I was with my guy for almost 5 years, after 4months we became long distance due to work. We had holidays together, long w/e’s every month. I met his friends, helped him move into a new flat ‘ its important that you like it’ ha, really? Now he says he doesn’t want a closer relationship with me, and he didnt address it because he didnt want to hurt my feelings. Despite me feeling the chill from him and asking him occasionally and giving him a safe space to say how he felt. He kept me on a string with various methods, and would have continued had I not pulled the plug when he finally came clean about having difficulty seeing a future with me! Cake and eat it? Coward? Liar? So why do I feel I wasn’t good enough, when in fact I was too good for him? Why do I wish he was here to hold me and tell me how much he cares about me? He’s emotionally unavailable and cruel, I doubted my own intuition and its cost me my self esteem and my heart is broken. Yet its so hard to truly think of him as cruel and careless with my feelings, I almost cannot believe he would do this, maybe Im still in denial 3 months later… I am keeping in touch with friends and people who truly care about me, I’m journalling, seeing a counsellor, trying to get on with life. But I have to say, I’m grieving the future I don’t have with him, and the me I thought I was with him, I feel utterly lost.

  212. thea Post author

    Oh boy yes I get it. All of that. The mourning the loss of a would-be future. It’s so challenging to get past that. I am so sorry for that.

    >> Cake and eat it? Coward? Liar?

    Probably cowardice yes. I am sure he liked you. Breaking up is hard. It’s nice to have a companion…but you both deserve to be with people who are 100% in and not wishy washy.

    I really do hope you don’t view it as a “waste” in anyway. You had some great times, holidays, meals, sex, laughs, etc in that time. Yes it sucks it didn’t last forever but frankly nothing does.

    5 years is longer than I ever had. My limits seem to be about 3.5 years (back to back relationships). Frankly (thanks to this site), I tend to reckon romantic lives are more about the 5 year relationships than having some romantic notion of growing old with someone for next 50 years.

    You really need to go easy on yourself it’s 3 months after FIVE YEARS. Of course you’re still having some highs and lows and some denial etc.

    >> cost me my self esteem and my heart is broken

    Well really those are just THOUGHTS. It hasn’t really COST it. it just FEELS LIKE IT HAS and frankly we need to question our thoughts. Also your heart is not really broken. It’s working perfectly! It’s pumping blood through you every second!

    So really it’s just disappointed you and rightfully so. But you’re whole complete and perfect – just as you are – just as all of us are! No more and no less.

    Just because he was a bit wishy washy doesn’t de-value you. Doesn’t make you any less worthwhile or worth loving! One person’s trash is another’s treasure. I really believe that.

    This is a wonderful opportunity (like mine was) to build a solid self esteem brick by brick all by yourself. I did the same thing when my biggie split happened. I too felt bereft. When it ended I vowed to never base MY worth on some guy. After all I am the one who needs to live with me!

    But we often do that – put so much of our worth in our job, our relationships, our external stuff.

    Bollocks really. You’re perfect in your imperfection – just as we all are. You know?

    So yeah, really take some to question those “thoughts” that keep on rolling through your mind. When the come, stop them and reframe them.

    I repeat “all is well” a lot. Even when it feels like it isn’t!

    Everything ALWAYS, in my opinion, works out for the highest good of all concerned – E V E N T U A L L Y!

    You will bounce back better, stronger, happier and more confident than ever – if you set that as your main GOAL.

    You will love again – if you chose to!

    It’s all in YOUR hands and no one else’s.

    That’s comforting to realise. And scary isn’t it?

    Hugs xx

  213. leah

    Hello, I have been on here off and on for about 4 months. I felt like I was doing better about my breakup experience except that I hadn’t really seen my ex almost the whole 4 months and he dropped off my child today from a trip ( not his child ) and after he left I just flipped completely out. I can’t believe how angry I am. I didn’t see him even out of the car. I can’t imagine what would have happened if he would have tried to speak to me. Talk about a relapse only it was not crying as much as omg i want to beat you. I have calmed down but help.

  214. Michael

    Hi Thea, how are you? I don’t ever really know where to start about how i’m feeling. My girlfriend and i were together for just under 6 months but had known each other for a year or two and spoken every day online for 6 months before that so it felt like the relationship was a lot longer than it was. Everything was amazing at the start of the relationship but about 4 months in she seemed to go off me, spend more time with friends and just make excuses about not meeting me. She was my first proper love and i know that’s a strong word after such a short time together but we both felt like that. It got to the point where i saw her 4 or 5 times in the last 2 months we were together and her feelings had clearly changed towards me. It seemed like the more i wanted to see her the more she pulled away, saying she felt claustrophobic. How could she feel like that i she never saw me, you know? I asked her outright on Tuesday night what she wanted and she said she wasn’t sure and to give her some time. I finished with her on the Wednesday but it feels like i’m the one who got dumped. My feelings haven’t changed towards her at all. Everything reminds me of her. Everywhere i go and everything i see in the street or watch on tv. I know i can get over it but right now it just feels like i’m empty inside. What can i do?? Sorry about the length of this post btw x

  215. leah

    Hello again Thea, Why is it that when someone who is supposed to be your friend, tells you your ex’s and his new girlfriend’s status has changed to ” in a relationship with so and so” even though you’ve been broke up for months, you start crying all over again?

  216. thea Post author

    Leah – hugs. It happens. I used to always say it can take 2 years to get over a break up. Not that you would be IN PAIN but that you could experience setbacks way on down the road. It probably actually has less to do with him now and more the idea that you haven’t got a shiny new toy to play with – you know?

    Go easy on yourself. You’re not really back to square one it just tends to feel like it in the middle of setback.

    You’re grand. You’ll be happy again. You’ll love again. If you want to x

  217. Smiley

    So how do I start..Ehm,my ex left me again for no reason,he even didn’t told me that it was over I found it out by myself,I texted him he didn’t answer,so I texted him again wanting an explanation I know I shouldn’t but I felt like I need it.This was the second time I gave him a chance and he did the same thing like always dumping me for no what I wanna know is I feel like I’m getting over it ’cause I’m not angry and I don’t feel the same pain as before and I do have good times and when I’m out with friends I don’t think about him is this a sign of healing,I mean I still do think about him maybe to much,we’ve been in this on/off relationship like two years now,and I finally wanna forget I hope you can help me ..!

  218. thea Post author

    You sound pretty good. If you’re not feeling pain and you’re enjoying time out with your pals then go with it! You know? Don’t second guess yourself too much (I do that!). I do relate exactly to what you’re saying – in the sort of “because we’ve been on/off so many times it doesn’t seem to hurt as bad”. I think I’ve felt that before and it CAN (not saying it will) lull us into a false sense of security in that sometimes it does come to bite us in the ass. We feel a setback. But you yourself say it’s been TWO YEARS now of on/off. I don’t know the reasons you split (sounds like you’re confused too!) but sometimes (if you’re like me) you get tired of the yo-yo treatment. You just want to say “hey are you in or are you out?” WTF?

    I don’t think you really need help. I think you’re doing good. Be strong. Take a BREAK from him – no calls, texts, instant message, tweets – whatever for a while. Get some distance and allow yourself to process the loss a bit then see how you feel.

    Don’t go back if the things that keep causing the split haven’t changed! That’s if he comes back…

    I think you’re doing fine by the sounds of it. Hopefully this time the split STICKS and you can heal and move on and bring in someone with a bit of staying power. You deserve that! x

  219. Smiley

    Woow thanks I really needed someone who can actually tell me what’s wrong and can relate to me..And I already have no contact with him anymore and I don’t feel like I need it either..And again thanks and I hope I will move on this time :)..! xoxo

  220. Kelly

    Im 20, I was with my boyfriend for just under 6 years 4 of those we lived together. I thought things were fine, this was the man i was going to spent forever with children, marrage, he was my life. Then out of the blue he says he hasn’t loved me for 6 months and still didnt have the balls to properly end things so we tried again. This included me agreeing to everything he wanted freedom, less routine ect ect. I was fine with that as long as he was in my life i would do anything. After trying for only a week he then says i feel nothing for you and that i gave him what he wanted but 6 years too late. owch. This is coupled with him talking none stop about another girl. He has said nothing is going off but ithink hes now hoping sonething will as shes also leaving her boyfriend. I feel like shit and right now i feel like im never gonna feel safe again. I have to go to work and try to run a shop which is horrific when i cant even run myself. Eating and sleeping is none exsisant and hes just walking around happy as larry. Im now staying back at my mums and have a date arranged to move all my stuff out of the shared apartment. But all i want to do is talk to him. i miss him like crazy. when i wake up in the morining in kills me when it hits me again and i see no future. I sound pathetic i know.

  221. thea Post author

    Oh dear…I know this is the most painful thing you’ve ever been through (save for the death of someone close) and it sucks. It really does. It’s sooo hard but it is going to get better…and in time I am almost SURE you’ll be glad this happened.

    For one you don’t want to be tied to someone that does love and appreciate you in the way you do them. That’s a waste of both your times.

    Two you’re young and without being patronising – you will go on to love and lose again – it is part of life and by this time next year you may very well be loving someone else! Maybe – maybe not. But few people do meet the “love of their life” at 14 or 16 or whenever you met this guy. There are more than one!

    You’ve lost your lover, your best friend, your confidante and room mate – and that’s a HUGE thing to adjust to. It really is – I totally get that – but as you DO start to adjust to it you will start to see some FREEDOM on the other side.

    Your 20s tend to be about socialising, trying people on, finding yourself…it’s hard to do that when LIVING with someone else. Please don’t be in a rush. I married at 24 and would totally NOT recommend doing that because who you are at 24 is NOT who you are at 34.

    Find you. Love you. Enjoy life yourself before trying to share that life with someone else.

    I didn’t actually “get” that in my 20s it happened more in my 30s.

    You’ve had a LUCKY EX-SCAPE – you just don’t see it yet.

    Keep posting and I’ll try to reply as soon as I can. I know it’s hard but DO try to sleep and eat – soup even – because being overly tired, hungry and well ALWAYS makes things seem so much DARKER.

    Look after you like you would your very best friend. Pamper her. Feed her. Bathe her. Remind her how special she is – regardless of this guy!

    Hang in there x

  222. tamanna


    How do one react and behave when one meets “the-ex”after 6 months that too socially; at a wedding. The one who dumped you for someone else. Do you put on a brave face and talk or just talk socially because you have to and ten ignore them the rest of the evening just like I did. Finally when I thought I was moving on; well meeting him did impact me though not that much. I just felt bad and cried for 5 minutes ( alone obviously).
    The memories pangs are still there but I think I will get over them too.

    So how do I act when I meet him the next time. I don’t know when it would be but am expecting it would be soon.

  223. thea Post author

    I would – personally – be sure I am dressed to the HILT and that my make up and hair was as best as can be. I would do my best to ensure that I look happy, serene, “together” (even if I have to “fake it” a bit).

    If I was around the EX – I would slap on that smile and be as pleasant as pie (even if I have to “fake it” a bit) 😉

    Years ago on the forum – I coined the phrase “Paltrowing” whereby you “act as if” you’re over it. Oscar winning performance if needs be. It is NOT for everyone – some people slammed me for having to be “fake” as it were but it is what works for me. I didn’t ever want my ex to see how gutted I was. So I’d smile, laugh, joke, hold my head high and act as if…

    Then I would get in my car and cry on the way home some times!

    Imagine you’re the most CLASSY person you know. Emulate her!

    Good luck and sorry for the delay – I never got a notification of your COMMENT! x

  224. layla

    Hi. Wedding booked, been together for 19 months, the love of my life and my whole world. 1 month ago out of the blue he ended our relationship and my world fell apart ( and still is ). He’s so cold towards me. Cant give me a reason why he’s ended it just say’s he loves me as a friend and that he’d like us to be best friends in time. I’ve cut all contact with him and his family. I’ve cancelled the wedding. I’m trying to concentrate on my children ( there not his ) and focus on the good things i have but i’m struggling. I keep thinking about the good times we had, The plans we had for our future together. How he pushed the relationship, the marriage and then just walked away. I cannot help thinking he has made the wrong decision. The trouble is he is so stubborn he would never back down and admit he was wrong. Instead he would just live with it therefore i have to accept its over. I’m doing all i can to help me get over him but its not getting any easier please help.

  225. thea Post author

    Hello I am so sorry I didn’t check the blog sooner. Bad Thea. It’s now nearly 2013 and I am on here to write a blog about surviving New Years.

    Anyway I am so sorry this is happening to you this festive season. That’s no fun. I suspect he’s met someone he’s developed feelings for…Not saying he’s cheated on you or anything – just that most people don’t just leave a relationship without having a real “catalyst” to jump out of it. Even if he doesn’t jump into something with someone else. Just sounds fishy. I might be wrong.

    He’s not made the “wrong” decision as such – he’s made one that felt right FOR HIM FOR NOW. He may very well change his mind. And he might even come back to say he’s made a mistake – even though you think he’d not do that. Sometimes people surprise us!

    But in any event I’d ASSUME it’s over and he’s not coming back. Then if he does you can deal with that then. Eh?

    Did you hear from him over Christmas? I’ll try to keep a better eye on comments! Very sorry. You really are going to be ok! New year, new start… x

  226. Nicole

    Hi Thea, I am so glad I came across your website. I am in so much pain I cannot stand it. It is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt in my life (and that’s saying something). I just turned 28 years old on December 1st, 2012, and my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me on the 12th. Christmas and New Years were absolute Hell. That season will never be the same for me again. My boyfriend told me that he still loves me as a person, but that he is no longer in love with me. He said it gradually eroded over time because of my debilitating anxiety problems. I’ve always suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, and they have negatively affected my life in many ways, but this is by far the worst negative effect ever. He told me that I live in an “anxiety-prison” that often prevents me from being who I really am and doing what I want to do. This is true. I live in fear, am very anxious, go in and out of depression, am very shy, and everything makes me terribly nervous. But I love him with all my heart and had envisioned spending the rest of my life with him. I respect him and the work he does, his beliefs, his values, I just love everything about him. He is very unique and a talented artist in a number of different mediums. I am so devastated I still feel sick to my stomach, I can hardly get through each moment. Almost immediately after the break-up, I sought counselling from a mental health therapist. For help with the break up and the decision to finally take real action against my anxiety and depression. Due to the holidays, I don’t have my second appointment until next week, but I have signed up for group cognitive behavioural therapy recommended by my mental health therapist. It is a two-month program. It was also recommended to me to read self-help books as an aide to all this. My doctor also has me set-up to see a psychiatrist in two weeks. I can’t help but have hope that if I work really, really hard, I may be able to get him back. He said that he wants to be friends later on, after I’ve gotten over him, if I so choose. He refuses to have any contact with me until I am feeling better. He had also told me that he thinks I need “years of work” to overcome my anxiety problems. I am spending time with family and friends, even though I cry constantly, and it doesn’t really help that much, I am trying to go for walks every day, but nothing really seems to take away the pain, the emptiness, the dread…

  227. thea Post author

    Wow classic. Turn 28…relationship ends before Christmas and New Years…I am so sorry for that pain…

    But wow what an opportunity to work on YOU now…

    >> This is true. I live in fear, am very anxious, go in and out of depression, am very shy, and everything makes me terribly nervous.

    This is absolutely no way to go through life. We’re only here for a short period it’s time to tackle all the above and work on being the kind of person that is a JOY to be around!!

    >> I have signed up for group cognitive behavioural therapy recommended by my mental health therapist. It is a two-month program.

    That is PERFECT. Exactly what I am talking about! Brilliant!

    >> I am trying to go for walks every day, but nothing really seems to take away the pain, the emptiness, the dread…

    I am so sorry. I KNOW that’s just how it is…it takes time to get past this stage but trust me you WILL get past it (if you want to that is). You really will…

    It is early days yet and it takes time to make it through those initial sucky months. There’s no fastforward – no real way to cut corners with recovery…The only way out of Hell is through it you know?

    Keep reading, writing, calling on friends, doing the therapy, listen to some great inspirational folks – like Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay or my fave Byron Katie. She’s probably helped me more than anyone. You can find them all on the web, CD and Youtube.

    Take care my dear…This really will pass. xx

  228. linda kent

    hi! i need help! i was in an emotional relationship with a married man and friend with whom my husband and i socialised (not proud of this. in 22 months we met a total of 3 times and it was only kissing. the relationship was really an emotional one based on a deep friendship! we were both very cautious about getting caught and giving in to our desires so we tried to keep it to a minimum by only texting every week or so, but the feelings were definately there, he loved me and i loved him! then just when i thought everything was going quite well, he just disappeared and simply exited the text exchanges. i havent heard from him in 12 weeks, what has happened?

  229. thea Post author

    My guess is that he’s got found out hon. I would assume that’s what it is…You know that he’s ok anyway yes? I mean have you heard anything to the contrary? My gut is that it’s something like that. I am sorry for the pain and it’s horrible to have someone withdraw from us – but perhaps that’s a sign that this wasn’t the right thing for either of you to be doing – you know? No judgment here – honestly but really if you’re in a relationship (marriage) and he’s taken (is he?) then it’s really not generally a long term solution. Presumably he knows where you are and for whatever reason he just can’t be in touch right now. Maybe he feels guilty about the husband. Maybe he met someone else.

    It’s really hard to know and everything is just speculation at this point.

    You hang in there. Focus energy on your own marriage or leaving it if needs be and not on what your “friend” is doing/thinking/feeling. Hard to do I know. Hang in there x

  230. Nicole

    Thea, thank-you so much for your response and advice. I will definitely check out those inspirational people you mentioned.

  231. linda kent

    Thea, thanks for your response! I agree, it is very hard to know what happened to trigger his withdrawal but i can say with certainty, he did not get found out (touch wood)! I presume this because I have since ran into his wife and she was very pleasant to me and vice versa, she even talked about how us ”four’ should have dinner together! Some history regarding their marriage: She is his third wife. He married very young the first time, his second marriage was the fairy tale wedding but he left wife number two after 2 weeks of being married because he met wife number three, the one who is currently still married to him! According to the rumour mill, wife number 3 stole him away from wife number 2! He divorced wife number 2 one month after their wedding and wife number 3 moved immediately in with him! They got married 5 years later and have been married now since 5 years, they have some children now. They have a very difficult marriage, namely, she is very difficult and treats him awfully (i have witnessed this myself, he never ever admitted this to me)! He gives her a nice life and in return she is difficult and ungrateful (so it seems)! She is a very spolied person and she has this incredible sense of entitlement and thinks (in my opinion) that she deserves her life, and more so!!!! In any case, i understand, given his situation, why he would stray (from this type of wife) and although i believe love affairs are morally incorrect, i fell for him (at first reluctantly). When he first approached me some 24 months ago, I sympathised with him and his sad situation! One does sympathize with him because he appears as this great, handsome, young, successful, likeable guy who wants the traditional wife, life and children outfit but fails at attaining this, repeatedly!!! And, now, he seems more pathetic than ever because he has to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children,(he admitted this to me)! Somehow at the beginning of all of this i felt endeared to him knowing that he also has a ”non-perfect” life, that he also struggles with things, although people think his life is paradise, he is extremely successful! His situation reminded me a lot of mine! I got married to a really nice man, smart, wealthy but i am incredibly bored and unenthused with our marriage at the moment! I got married very young and very soon after meeting my husband. Sometimes i think i should have thought longer about what i wanted in life! In any case, my married ”friend” appeared in my life when i was at an all time low in my marriage and in fact having a very bad marital crisis with my husband. My ”friend” who silently withdrew from my life, who initiated this whole affair, who was the one who first approached me and ”convinced” me it is alright to engage in a text affair with him some 24 months ago, who said ”he loves me” and he just cant fight it anymore, has disappeared (12 weeks to date now)!!!! I remain dumbfounded and am still in the dark on why a man who claimed he loved me so much, who claimed he would give up his kingdom (and what a kingdom it was!) and live under a bridge to be with me, who claimed an emotional affair was as far as he would be willing to go because he felt so guilt ridden that we were both betraying our respective partners (shows class i think) can just up and dissappear from my life from one moment to another!!!! Did he ever love me? Is he out there somewhere still loving me silently or was it all a lie and he disposed of our relationship like someone takes out the trash?
    Who does something like this? Is this an act of nobility that he withdraws to save both our marriages or pure ”jerk-dom”? Does he suffer from narcissictic personality disorder and i was just another ”thing” for him to dispose of after he attains his ”highs” or ”grandeur validations”? Does he do this silent withdrawl thing because he wants to punish me? When does the silent treatment become ”you’ve been dumped” status? Have i been dumped? Should i ask him where he has been and why all the silence? Should i ask him if i did something or said something to offend him? At the very, very least, i have lost my good friend and quite honestly this really saddens me.

  232. layla

    Yes i did hear from him over christmas he wanted to call round with some money for my children for christmas but i did’nt let him. I dont think it went down well but i did’nt want to see him. Since then he text me on new years eve to tell me has met someone and hes telling me out of respect before he goes public and to hopefully help me move on. What rubbish. Hes telling me out of guilt. We were getting married and 3 weeks after we split he’s suppost to have met this person who hes known years and wants to see where it can go. Ive known him 30 years so i’ll probably know her.

    How do i now cope and move on from this. What do i do when i see them together that will totally break my heart and put me back to square one.

    He has only ever been out with size 6-8 women and im a size 16 so a lot bigger than his normal conquests. If she is thin or younger than me that will kill me. Stupid i know but i wonder if my size. Me having children although he has children also but there almost all grown up now. The way i look or my age although im only 7 months older than him is a reason why hes ended it.

    Im in turmoil and find myself driving the long way round and only shopping when hes at work to enable myself to avoid him. HELP

  233. Tammana

    So i met this guy through common friends; we flirted a lot online. He was not in the same city as me so when i went to his city for some work I thought we will you know date and have fun but he made it clear that he does not want to date because he is parents are already searching for a girl and for him dating implies a beginning of relationship. Also he said if he wants to go out he will ask me. He did not and i also dropped the matter.
    When I came back the flirting was an on-off thing. Well he is here right now. I don’t understand the signals he has been giving me. I kind of do like him. And I was jealous when I saw him with some other girl that day; first time I have ever seen him with someone else. We havenot really hung out..just the usual; with friends. Do you think it would be a good idea to ask him for a fling? esp. since he said no when I was in his city?
    I know it looks really obvious that I should not. But I want how do I not make a mistake. 😛

  234. alan lambert

    Hi Thea i am just another punter that would like to say a big thank you. Fell in love for the first time in my life summer last year only problem i am 57 years of age. Things went great for 6 mths and she then decided its not for her. Result i feel crushed. I found your web site the first weekend after breaking up and between the tears it helped enormously. We have been apart for a month now and i regularly play your video. I am not sure what stage im am at think its around 4 , there is no anger yet i refuse to blame her for anything
    . Problem is the pain doesnt stop, i wish i had experienced it earlier in life and had knowledge of how to cope. Little bit of Karma because i have hurt several nice people in the past. If i had known how it felt may have changed my ways. When you cant talk to friends and bottle it up inside it helps to read these letters and realise i am not in this alone . your advice re no contact makes sense but why do i crave to hear from her when i know she is doing fine. Thanks Thea

  235. thea Post author

    Alan sorry to hear about this recent hurt you’ve been going through. It’s going to take time to process this. There are so many feelings wrapped up in it all. Our worthiness, our age, our disappointment etc. It’s only natural you’re wondering what is going on her life. Did she say “why” she didn’t want to be in the relationship? Sorry to hear this A. Hope you’re feeling a bit better. Tx

  236. alan lambert

    Hi Thea thanks for your reply. No she did not give me a reason other than the words it just doesnt feel right at the moment. I am trying to accept the situation and move on having no contact at the moment. She has sent me couple of texts that i spend hours trying to read that she wants to get back together again as i re arrange her words but she is just hoping i am ok and doing alright. Some days are ok but today i feel crushed and cant explain why one day feels different to another. I try to keep busy but how would you cope with this despair, i am usually a very upbeat person but she has sucked all my willpower out and i feel like a empty shell. Its been around 6 weeks now and i should be making forward progress but some days are like day 1 all over again. Alan

  237. radzson01

    Hi Thea,
    Since i have no experience how to handle this what i am going through, i would appreciate some practical advice.
    My case is completely pathetic and ridiculous. A classic stupid case, i believe. Still for me, the biggest gift of my life. That is why it is impossible to handle.
    I am 45, married and having 2 great kids. I have been working together for 1.5 years now with my assistant who is 25, and being in a serious relationship for about almost 1.5 years, also living together with her boyfriend for about 6 months.
    About 4-5 months ago i realized that i am in love with her, but of course did not make any move as i always considered i have strong values and would consider this relationship (even the feelings) totally inappropriate. Therefore tried to surpress all of it. Nevertheless we had (still have) a fantastic working relationship and one day after the other unexpected things just happened.
    Shortly before Christmas the whole thing just blew up! We both admitted to eachother that we are both in love with eachother. Deeply and seriously, with extremely high intensity of emotions. We both new this relationship does not really have a real future, mainly because of the age difference but also due to the fact that she always had an inside dilemma how to handle her emotions towards me and to her boyfriend at the same time. But at the same time the emotions were so genuine, serious, deep and honest from both sides that i believed we could still have a joint future.
    She also indicated she needs some time to decide which way to go, but totally indicated that i had the same chance than her current relationship and she only needs some time to figure it out. Since the emotions and even the desire from her side were so strong and overwhelming that i successfully fooled myself that it can work out. The reason why i personally was fully committed to leave my family for her is that i seriously think she is the ONE, the person i was always looking for in my whole life. She is perfect for me and the very first person in my life who i accept fully and without any condition. Really somebody i can imagine the rest of my life with. I never ever felt this before, not even with my wife. And in the first 1-1.5 months it all felt the same from her side too. Therefore i was ready to completely change my life and made this committment very clear to her. Also made it clear that i will wait for whatever i need to wait for her to make her decision.
    And suddenly a 3 weeks ago the whole thing just turned 180 degrees where she made it clear that she suddenly does not love me anymore the same way she did so far and decided that her place was with her boyfriend. Since she is the one who made me really complete and for me the ONE, this completely shattered my whole life, i feel. I can not really concentrate on anything else, my head is completely full trying to understand what happened and why.
    Of course the fact we are still working together does not make the whole thing easier. Also it does not make it easier to handle this that she still tells me she can not cut all the cords fully, because she still feels something and can not imagine her life without me being around. But of course not romantically anymore.
    I am on one hand feeling completely as a fool, having believed that we can be together when no circumstance indicated this relationship can actually become true, only and exlusively the feelings we both felt (at least at the beginning). And of course – since i have never ever felt such a love to somebody before – i have no frickin clue how to handle this on a practical basis.
    Please help how to evaluate what just happened in the last 2.5 months and how to move on!! Thanks for some practical support!

  238. thea Post author

    How are you doing now hon? A bit better a month further down the road?

    Hopefully the despair at least is gone? xx

  239. radzson01

    Well, not really. Very difficult to get over it especially if you do not know how….. no techniques, i mean. I hope it will go away with time but still it is eating me up quite badly.

  240. bubbles

    Hey, I’ve recently been dumped by my bf of 3 years. Its the first time that I ever went out with someone. It was his first ever relationship too. We both are twenty. Things were going perfect. Both of us were crazy about eachother. We were pretty convinced that we are In love. He’s been both my bestfriend and a lover. We did so much for eachother he made me feel loved. Things changed however when he shifted to another high school. That was when we actually had to put an effort. We managed it well however. We had talked about getting married. We had thought about every little detail. We decided on the names of our kids. We discussed things to every little detail. 3 years and I don’t know what happened. We spent the whole day together on my birthday. He was genuinly happy with me. He had said earlier that he was scared to commit. But then that day he said that he’ll marry me. It was so perfect , I had no idea that he’ll just walk away on me. It was a month after my birthday that he broke up. We tried staying friends, but it hurts,knowing that he’s happy without me. He said that he wasn’t happy without me and that he didn’t feel the same way about me. He said that it was his first ever relationship and he wasn’t sure about it. Our intrests differed a lot. He was into music and photography. I’m doing medicine right now. I can’t just accept the fact that we are not together any more. We started going out when I was 17 , he is my first love and think I’ll never be able to love again. I feel broken. I have his facebook password. I randomly logged in and found this other girls messages. They seem pretty close. I cry everyday thinking about him. I wonder whether he misses me or not. It sucks because we kept our relationship to our selves and practically noone knows about it except for our parents, his sister and my sister. I can’t even share it with anyone. I told my mum though but I want someone whol listen to me. Plus, medicine is pretty tough and I don’t really get time to hangout with my friends or go to the gym. After reading that girls msgs I just told him today that he’s lost me as a friend and that I don’t feel like talking to him. There’s so much that I want to say to him. I miss his arms around me while I sleep. He used to sing me to sleep. I miss hugging him. I can’t imagine life without him. I can’t even tell him that, this guy, who I loved the most had left me. I always felt like we were a team, like it was us against the world. And also all this time I shared everything with him so rightnow I’m all alone. I don’t really have anyone to share this with. My exams are in a weeks time. I just don’t know what to do. I just want to accept the fact that he’s gone. I know that he’s happy without me and that’s why I let him go. But I just can’t accept it. He was my first kiss. My first everything. I was his first too! I just can’t get over him.

  241. bubbles

    Hey Thea! I’ve never actually posted on a blog before. It says that your comment is awaiting moderation. Is there something wrong with it. I just wanted some obe who would listen to me 🙂

  242. Judy Butler

    I was dumped by my husband 2 weeks ago, he text me saying it was over, then left on a business trip. My daughter and I came back to family for a while, but are going to go back shortly as her school is there. I thought I could not live where he is. However he is not going to hound us out.
    He has since asked someone out, taken her a holiday weekend we were going to go on, moved out of the house and now he says he is moving his girlfriend in this weekend, all in two weeks. He is telling our daughter too much, she is 13.
    I am trying to be strong, will be back soon to re-start my job and my daughter’s school, I am going to be positive and see that this was maybe not meant to be.
    Let’s hope I can continue to be strong despite seeing them together and having to share my daughter with them too.

  243. Broken man

    Hello everyone, Bubbles i red your text and it moved me. we are experiencing a verry similar situation. My Gf dumped me 1 week ago, and i find it hard to just stay alive right now. we have been together for 9 years. We met at age of 13 and we are now 22 years old…

    She’s been my first EVERYTHING and so iv’e been hers. So essentially this is my first breakup ever, and i cant help but feel that its unfair to deal with 9 years of emotions on my first break-up ever…

    i Appologise for any horrific typos, i am swedish afterall.

  244. thea Post author

    Welcome Swedish Man.

    Sorry I didn’t approve your comment the other day when I read it. I thought I had.

    9 years is a LONG time. You are going to be ok. You will. It’s hard when it’s so long and the first “everything” – because you don’t have a gauge to measure the healing process. But you will get over this.

    Please hang in there… x

  245. Tears On My Desk

    If I can move past my current “situation,” then there’s hope for all of us. 🙂 I was recently dumped by a man who I now have to see every day at work. YIKES. I guess I never received the memo stating that office romances are a bad idea.

  246. Tiffany

    Oh man, I’m a wreck. This website is really helpful and telling me lots of things I need to hear, although I still feel very tempted to do all the wrong things! My boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me the day after my dad’s funeral. Is that even legal?! Also, I’ve only been split up from my ex-husband for one year. I know that my boyfriend filled a void that had been empty all throughout my 11 year marriage. It felt good. He also pulled me out of a very deep depression. And I’m scared of falling back into such a dark place.

    I want to get back on dating sites. I want my ex to realize he was an idiot and beg for my forgiveness and send me flowers and promise to never hurt me again. I want to trash him on social networks. I wish I could contact his exes and plan some sort of revenge to ruin his life. And I know these are all terrible ideas and I won’t do any of them except I might get back on a dating site. Can I register his name on some sort of warning website about horrible human beings who should be avoided?

    I watched the video and I don’t feel like going through all those 12 steps. Although the “mad crazies” sounds kinda fun.

    Mostly I hate the feeling that I guess he just didn’t love me. My mom thinks I’m a total catch, so. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent here. I love the whole concept of this site. Genius.

  247. Daphne

    Oh my god I just feel sick all the time. Broke up with a boyfriend of 2 years about 6 months ok, very amicably, still friends in fact, it was very mutual and healthy. So a couple if months ago I start seeing this guy, he also broke up with a girl around the same time, plus we were both cheated on so I figure we’ll be about the same level of recovered. It was really tentative at first, but I. The last two weeks we just had the most amazing, intimate time. I’ve never had better sec or felt more attracted to someone, their personality and everything else. But of course. A few days ago he tells me he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s not really over what happened with his ex.

    I’m reeling. I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m so frustrated and feel like I’ve been cheated out of an incredible relationship that never happened, and the whole thing has made me feel like me previous relationship was a colossal waste of time. The worst part is, he says he genuinely likes me and wishes he didn’t feel this way, which means I’m waiting around by the phone for him to change his mind and realise he’s made a huge mistake (blatantly not going to happen.)

    So… Fuck.

  248. Dan

    Hi Thea,
    I have just gone though my first true love break up and I am just starting to come out of the Tornado/Shock phase. I started to date my girlfriend when she turned 18. We had a great relationship for most of the time we were together, but she has trichillomania and has always had self esteem issues and her family life is full of drama. I stayed with her though all of her struggles, and supported her the best I could. She was living with me and I used my weed addiction as a way to escape from her depression. (Or I was just a stoner I’m not sure) About a year and a half ago she joined a crossfit gym and started to get into really good shape, she gained self confidence, she went to therapy for her trich (at my recommendation) and all of the guys at her gym started to tell her how I was an awful boyfriend for not celebrating anniversaries and not taking her on more dates. (I admit I was really bad at celebrating those events and feel incredibly guilty for it) She told me two weeks ago that she could not be with me anymore, and when i realized I missed all the hints that she was giving I changed everything about my life that was effecting our relationship. But when she met with me two weeks later she admitted that she had already emotionally detached/gotten over me and wasn’t interested in giving me any chances to fix our relationship, and was already going out on dates with other people. Your site helped me so much realize that i’m not alone and the way I feel is normal and I finally feel like I am starting the healing process. I felt so abandoned when i needed her, especially because I stayed with her though all her struggles. But I really do love her and am still hoping that she will miss me and realize that I truly did love her and stayed with her during her time of struggle. Is it ok to hold on to the hope that she will eventually reach out to me and want to get back together?

  249. Chris

    Haven’t had many relationships in my time. And none have ever affected me the way my most previous one has. I’ve never gone online to seek answers on how to get over a break-up, quite frankly I feel borderline pathetic. Was with her for about 3 years, and I was and still am head over heals for her. We broke up labor day weekend but still stayed in communication with each other. I suppose keeping hope alive to reconcile our relationship. My birthday passed recently, we hung out and had a great time. Unfortunately, by the end of the night, she informed me that she didn’t see herself ever being with me and that we would have to call it quits for good. In 3 years, we have never gone a whole day without communicating. Well, we haven’t communicated since Monday night. 4 days is feeling more like 4 weeks. Not sure what I’m asking for from the blog, just venting I guess. I used to be such a cold guy, now I’m as soft as a marshmello. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, or with someone that shows no emotional attachtment or love for me, and I still love her despite these negatives. There is seriously something wrong with that. I’ve been good about not stalking her via social networks because I know that is just pain waiting in the midst and that would make me a masochist. Its hard not to regret meeting someone, but the logical side of me says that things do happen for a reason. The only major torturing I do to myself that I’ll admit is I find myself frequently picturing her in bed with another man. And that just makes me sick, sad, and angry. I welcome the challenge on the road to recovery, and I hope I find the strength to do it. Good luck to anybody who can relate.

  250. Angelina

    Hard to believe that 12 hours ago I had my whole day planned out. My two weeks of holidays have begun and Christmas get togethers have been planned out. I was excited to be able to spend some time with my boyfriend and he seemed excited about it as well. Why he even came to surprise visit me earlier in the week! So here I am thinking all was normal. I get on Skype and we chat back and forth like we normally do and I get a line starting with “so Ange I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately….” Wow, getting dumped on my first day of vacation and just before Christmas without the even having the balls to come and tell me in person? Thought I knew who this person was all about. So many emotions reeling through me right now I don’t even know what to feel. Still in shock I guess. It did only happen about 5 hours ago. I feel for all of you having gone through this. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel. Still reeling though……. 🙁

  251. thea Post author

    I am sure you ARE in shock. None of this is ideal timing but you’re going to be fine. You’ll not only survive – I believe you will THRIVE! xxx

  252. Camille

    Hi Thea,
    I was dating a guy for 6 months. He was fresh out of a relationship of five years and mine of 1. I met him through my best friend. We went out on a date because we were both newly single and had nothing else to do. Well, we ended up becoming attached.

    My relationship with my ex (prior to this guy) was over before I ended it, so i did not to go through the healing process as he did. Of course I knew that I was filling a void and was a rebound (he ended up sleeping with her twice in the first month of our biggie) So, during the six months we went out, spent plenty of time together, even went on a vacation to the Domincan Republic. So we really accomplished things that people should when they are in an actual relationship.

    In the meantime, his ex was constantly calling him (she cheated on him by the way which is what ended the relationship) and he is sometimes responding and sometimes not. After a certain point I began to have a problem with it. On top of that, he has an ex wife and before the ink was dry on the divorce he began dating his ex.

    Even now, if the ex-wife is away on business, he stays at her house with their son for the week and walks the dog etc. His name is still on the deed and her address is still on his license. He has his footprint in too many places. He is the type of guy that is SO generous with is money, time, things, but is selfish with his feelings.

    I would often have problems with him getting out of bed with me to take the ex-wife to the airport or going on playdates with a single mom from his son’s soccer team, and he did not see an issue with that. The last argument was about the ex-girlfrined still calling him and he responding.

    Well..that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. To make a longer story short, he ended up telling me that I am a GREAT woman and he was happy with me, but he has issues and needs to iron them out. He said that he would come back for me…well…after talking a few times after that, he told me he was dating someone else.

    I reminded him of what he said about coming back for me, and he said he still was (BS). He said he is still working on himself and this is his way of letting things go.

    Well..I learned, after thinking about things he mentioned in his past, he goes from one relationship to the next without giving himself time to heal properly. We had fun while dating and we talked about taking things to the next level eventually…I was in no rush, so I was caught off guard by his decision and hurt but mostly my ego. He just wants to be friends, but I rather not. I’m ok with keeping the loyal friends I already have,

    It is just embarrasing to be dumped, but it is his loss, not mine. He does have major issues (we all do) and I was willing to stick it out, but he rather run. By the way..he did admit that he i a runner. Basically he does not like to hear if he is wrong and if something is not going his way or he feels overwhelmed he runs, instead of talking it out and stating the problem. Which is why things ended abrptly with us.

    I kind of think that he liked me enough to tolerate me and to fill a void and when I saw signs I should have ran instead of trying to be supportive. It has been almost 2 months. I cry EVERYDAY because I am jealous of him and the new person, but at the same time, I have a BIG gash to my ego and it eats at me.

    I decided that once he told me was dating, there is no need for friendship or to contact him. In past conversations, he always told me about this ex or that ex being his friend. One more thing…the reason it lasted so long with the ex-girlfriend is becasue when he made certain decisions that she did not like she did not complain, she got him back at his own game. I did not do that and I wish I did, because we would still be dating, but that is not me. I speak up and out. So he was not used to that and it turned him off . He does not realize how his decisions affect others. I’m sure I left something out, but I said enough. Thank you!

  253. Chloe AT

    Hello Thea,

    I just wanted to thank you for putting up this web page. It’s so supportive to read all those comments and see that I’m not the only one going through all these. It reminds me that we’re all human and we make mistakes and learn from our mistakes. It’s been a month since I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. I hurts a lot and I’m still healing, but I have found peace here, I keep coming back here.

    Thank you!

  254. thea Post author

    Hi there – thanks for the comment I am so glad you found a bit of solace while wading through your pain. A month after a few years is still “early days” but hopefully the bad days become OK ones and the OK become good ones sooner than later. You take care and thank you for the comment x

  255. thea Post author

    That is quite a story indeed. Sounds like a great albeit confused guy. While I think it can be good for men and women to be friends and to even be friendly with exes – I think it only is to a point. Then it does get worrying a bit. I had liked a guy recently who had a ratio of friends that appeared to be 10:1. (10 gal pals to ever one guy pal). I say it “Seemed” I never counted (obviously) but I felt like was some sort of addiction/validation thing going on. I have a lot of guy friends – again to a point. This just seemed a little excessive to my eyes. Not generally a hugely jealous person (though I have my moments), because as i say I have a lot of guy friends, but this guy really challenged me. It triggered some real tough self-esteem issues in me which is good because I had to work on that for myself.

    I think he was a wonderful friend/lover/teacher and it’s time to let that one go. On the one hand he rushes from one relationship to the next to the next without much pause for thought on the other hand does he truly let any of them go? Sounds like you’re better off out of this one – for your own peace of mind.

    I suspect you may be like me a little and you want someone who’s “all in” and not one who just “tolerates” you or something. It was funny you used THAT word because that’s how I often felt with that aforementioned guy. I want to be celebrated not tolerated.

    The less you know about him and any “new person” the better. So do whatever it takes to cut off the news source (digital can be a challenge). If you have mutual contacts – cut them off (news wise) too OK?

    Protect your heart. You needed this guy to learn some life stuff but you’re more than likely better away from this one I suspect. Wonderful as he can be in so many ways, I think it will be a case of a “lucky ex-scape”. Personally speaking. I may be wrong. I may be projecting my own crap here too 😉

    Good luck and keep me posted x

  256. Tammy

    i got dumped by my boyfriend of four years together a week before valentines day and the day before we were meant to be moving in together he just rang nd said he didn’t love me any more nd he didn’t want to move in and left me hanging to pay for the place nd everything myself. I eventually found out that he was scared to move in with me and that he still loved me but that he needed to sort himself out and ohh did i mention he has drug problems and he isnt very good with money 🙁 it has been two weeks and we have kind of kept in touch nd a few times i have been drunk nd rang him with “please get back with me” but now he says he wants to cut contact all together even though 5 days ago he was saying he still loved me. Im hoping absence will make the heart grow fonder nd maybe he just wants space to sort himself out but im unsure and worried we will never get back because 4 years is a long time to just chuck away.

  257. usedANDabused

    Ex broke up with me 3 days ago…

    Right now I kind of sit and wait for the day to end trying not to collapse into hysteria.

    Sigh….I dated my ex for only 2 months but I had waited a few years before getting involved again as my last breakup was terrible. (5 yr relationship, she got pregnant with another guys kid, and married my best friend).

    I am somehow over that now. Although I guess my self-confidence was damaged badly.

    Now I thought I had something really good going with this girl. I treated her very very well. We always had an amazing time together. A week or two ago she began to become distant. I read her twitter page to find out what was going on. Her page was full of references to her ex and how much he had hurt her. sigh. I confronted her about it and she said she was feeling hurt from it but it will be ok.

    I guess not because a week later she broke up with me. Her reason being that she is not over her ex and she cant match the feelings I have in the relationship. Over a text message. I know it was only two months but I really had strong feelings for her. Now I just feel used. She just used me to try get over her ex. It never worked so she left me.

    Pretty sad. Pretty damn sad.

  258. tinypieces

    My partner of 7 years told me she no longer loved me. This was devastating for me to hear and I never saw it coming. I am a student, studying to become a Nurse. 2 Years ago we decided that I should pursue my passion to become a nurse so that we may have a stable and rewarding future. I was hesitant initially as this meant there would be a change in our living arrangement and income. As a independent man I felt this meant I would put myself in a vulnerable situation. It placed a lot of pressure on me but I always thanked her and always told our friends how wonderful she was and how lucky I am to have her in my life. I told her once my degree had finished we would do all that she wanted, travel the world, marry, settle down and have children. Anything she wanted, for she was the love of my life and my heart was set on her. You could say she was my biggest motivation and the vision of our future kept me firmly into my books and study. Now life seems meaningless and I have only 3.5 semester to go till i am complete. I have fallen behind all my studies.
    Near the end I kept asking why why why why and trying to understand. I talked to our friends to find out what was happening and what I did. There was no sound reason. In the end after a pain staking month and half… she told me she was happier without me and that she could never see me as a partner ever again. This was extremely painful and it hits me like a wrecking ball as Myley Cyrus would put it. I have never been told this before…. in the end I asked her for peace if she could tell me the why she would say some of these hurtful things… and she responded “right now, its your deep and meaningful talk… and we are just too different, just not right”.

    2 years as friends and 7 years as partners. It has been 3 weeks since I last saw her…. or talked to her.. she’s traveling the eastern states and likely overseas. I also know one of the fellow friends of ours (a guy) suddenly hopped on a plane to a destination which my ex and I spoke of going back to revisit in the coming month. Perhaps my mind is jumping to conclusion but I have accepted that she is no longer a concern for me even though it hurts to know it is a possibility. However I still love her very much and I have tried to forgive myself for the pain I have caused and for her cruel words she has said before we parted. I truly wish for reconciliation but perhaps I am only prolonging the pain as the video I just watched suggest.

  259. Pingback: Your Best Friend Gets Dumped - What's Your Top Piece of Advice |

  260. Chloe AT

    Hello Thea,

    I terribly need help. I broke up with my ex-boyfrind about 6 months ago. Although it was disastrous, I made it through and had balance in my life, wasn’t completely back to normal but I was much better than before. Since last month he kept showing up at the gym I go to and around my neighbourhood, although he insists or keeps pretending that those all happened by chance, and he didn’t mean anything, I do know that it was not by chance. I still have feelings for him but am 100% sure that this relationship wouldn’t work. We are sort of “friends” now but something deep inside tells me I’m making the same mistake again and this is not right.
    I’ve almost moved on with many of my pains but still can’t get over some of those painful memories. Specially some of his friends were very jealous of our relationship at the time (we had a lot of fun together but it was a co-dependent relationship and very wrong) cause people never know “exactly” what’s going inside someone’s relationship. They would ignore me if seeing me somewhere when my ex wasn’t around and if I was with him, they would just say “hi” and that’s it. I was offended but never asked my ex to cut his friendship with them, I felt it’s his right to choose his friends. Now that my ex shows up and contacts me, he keeps talking about his friends and it’s really painful to me. I’ve asked him not to talk about them but he keeps doing that and when I get upset he says why I hold on to those negative feelings and do not let go of them. The problem is that he doesn’t care, he simply forgets cause he doesn’t understand that I didn’t ask for something unusual, I just asked him not to talk about his friends (one of the reasons of break up).

    Yes, I should let go of the past and move on but it’s hard to do 🙁
    I found that he sometimes sleeps with escorts and travels with them. Yes he is not committed to me, but it really hurt my feelings when I figured it out :(( I don’t know what to do, I live in a small city and I’m afraid one day I see him around with his new girlfriend and I’ll be broken ….

    I need help to let go of my anger and handle this complicated situation, I really don’t know what to do :(((
    Please help me Thea …


  261. DulledDiamond

    My BF of 1.5 years broke up with me a couple of months ago… and suggested we work on being friends. I knew deep down that going from committed to just friends would be hard for me because i wanted THE relationship. Long story short, i have been unfilled in the friendship because i miss the intimacy. We haven’t spoken in 10 days since the last time we saw each other and i got pissed because he didn’t want to see me before i left town for the week. Theres so much more to the story, but bottom line, I’m so broken… i’m 37 and I feel like my chances for becoming a wife and mother are quickly diminishing. I hate the dating scene and I am just so confused and disappointed with my situation. This morning i woke up crying and sent him a text that i was miserable without him…BIG MISTAKE. His response was ” Thats not good, how could you be happy with me if you’re not happy with yourself. Thats not a come up for neither one of us. I can understand being lonely, I can admit to that but not miserable. Praying for your strength.” …..I was devastated. Then he calls me and asks did i get his text and that he was checking on me. I said “yes i got it, thanks for checking on me, keep praying for me.” Then I hung up. He then texted me and said “Let me know if you would like to hang out before I make plans today.” I didn’t respond. Then he sends me a “funny” inbox message on FB… i didn’t respond. Then he calls me and gives me some insider info about the company we’re with.

    I just dont understand how he can be so nonchalant about not having a relationship with me and act like everything is fine. I just want to get over wanting him, but its so hard to cut all ties. I am angry, sad, scared, all bunched up in one. Thank for letting me vent.

  262. Pingback: GUEST POST: Josh's Breakup Diary - Day 5 | So You've Been Dumped

  263. Pingback: Thea's Thoughts About Breaking Up and Moving On | So You've Been Dumped

  264. Tamana

    Hi Thea,

    I was in a relationship for 1.5 years. Everything was so was as perfect as one can get in a relationship..but we broke up. The only reason we broke up is religion. Both of us belong to different religions & his parents are not even ready to consider me unless I convert (there’s no guarantee that they will if I decide to convert). I absolutely do not wish to convert.
    Its been around 1.5 months since the break-up and in the meantime, he has said yes (for marriage) to the girl of his parent’s choice. I do not know how to get through this feeling of break-up and being replaced. He says this is a forced marriage and he is still in love with me. He has even written me an e-mail apologizing but I still can’t shake this feeling of being replaced, the feeling that he has already moved on and here I am crying and yearning for him every single day like an idiot.
    I am not in touch with him for past 15 days (since the news of his engagement). I am trying to engage myself in other activities, I am trying to plan what I will be doing in next month n next-to-next month and so on, I am watching movies and series so i don’t have time to think about him/break-up but nothing seems to be helping right now. all I want to do is cry and then yea there’s an urge to talk to him. Please help me I don’t know what to do!!!

  265. Thea

    I am sorry to hear your story. I know it’s tough but it sounds like you need to let this one go, do some healing, and find a partner who shares your religion (as that seems to be important in your culture, yes?)

    You aren’t being “replaced” – it only feels like you are. It’s very unlikely he’ll share with the new partner what he shared with you. If anything it will make him miss you more! So try not to view it as you’re dumped and replaced as it really doesn’t sound that way.

    Focus your energy on the love you have for your ex and send him some loving vibes wishing him health, love and happiness because if you really love your ex – that’s what you want for him, yes? Even if not with you…That’s what love is. It keeps going – whether we are with them or not. It’s hard to do that, boy I know, but if you love this guy let him go and wish him all the very best life has to offer. Because that’s what you’ll end up getting for yourself.

    You’re doing the right stuff hon. Keep planning. Keep busy. Do some writing. Find other wise to channel that pain ok?

    You do know what to do. You’re doing it sweetie. Even though it hurts like hell you’re doing it xx

  266. Tamana


    Thanks for your comforting words but I am still not in the no-contact zone. I have not contacted him but when he messages I cant help but reply. I know he is extremely depressed and is till trying to convince his parents (but now I think he has finally given up after yesterday).
    On top of all these, I am on a vacation that we were both supposed to go together on. Due to certain circumstances, I couldn’t cancel it. So I am having one meltdown after other. I just don’t think I can take it any more. I know he is not a bad guy, I know its all the circumstances and I know he tried his best but I am still a little angry at him.
    So the girl he is getting engaged/married to is a common friend; I know she sort of liked him and when I confronted him he said he doesn’t feel the same way. He used to talk to her at times. So I get this feeling that he built a safety net before telling me about everything. I can be far off from the truth here; but I feel that this was not fair and I just don’t know what to do.
    Once I start talking to him, I just cant stop. How do I tell him to let me go? That I need to concentrate on my moving on before I can ever be friends with him. He doesn’t want to let me go from his life but I don’t know if I can do this. I know he is a great guy and even better friend but I have never been friends with my ex-es and I don;t know how to tell him that. Please help me!!
    Also I have removed all of his personal belongings from my house but there are so many wonderful memories, what changes can I make so it becomes less painful as I can’t move houses right now.


  267. Josh

    Hey Tamana,

    For the sake of your own mental health, you have to cut off the contact. It truly is like breaking up over and over again. Deep down, you hope things will change and he’ll come back to you, and when he doesn’t, it’s a disappointment and it hurts. You have to love yourself enough to cut off the contact. If it takes blocking him from your phone, email, etc, then that’s what it takes. You can’t heal if you keep getting tangled in communicating with him.

    As an aside, doesn’t your mutual friend, the girl he is now engaged to, feel uncomfortable that you guys talk? If I were her, it would make me uncomfortable that my fiancé is still communicating with the ex he recently broke up with.

    On the house front, I know Thea’s big point is to change your bedding and get new bedding without memories. Speaking for myself, even moving things around, maybe getting some new pictures or wall art helps. If you have a big bed, sleep on a different portion of it. Make some changes.

  268. Tamana

    Hi Josh,

    Thanks for you suggestions! I am trying to make a few changes, lets see what I can do. For now I am planning on sleeping at one of my close friend’s house and making sure that I do not contact him. I have conveyed the same to him in the nicest way possible for me.
    I guess I have sort of accepted that its finally over and nothing I can do will change it. I still miss him terribly but I know I will be fine one day (hopefully it comes soon)

    For the mutual friend, she is not my friend, I just know her through him and I donot even know if I exist. And frankly I have not even bothered knowing much about her as I just donot wish to her at all, maybe later in future if me and ex are able to establish a platonic friendship then I might take that step but not now (I know thats too ambitious :P)


  269. Josh

    Hi Tamana,

    Make sure to let us know what changes you make (I might just steal some of your ideas and use them in my apartment!). That is a great idea. You’ll have someone to talk to and won’t feel so alone, and hopefully that will prevent you from contacting him. After a while, at least for me, you get hit with that lightning bolt that it really is over, and it sounds like that may have happened with you. You will get better, especially with the steps you’re taking. Think about your life a year or two down the line: in all likelihood, you won’t still be torn up about this. Seriously, though, what a turnaround! Good for you.

    Ah, okay, she is someone you know of, but you weren’t friends. That makes sense. If they have an honest and open relationship, one would think he would have mentioned you, but who knows what is going on with them. If you do become friends, it won’t be for a while, at least after you’ve completely moved on, and as Thea implies, you probably won’t want to be friends at that point. I have never gone back and befriended any of my exes, ever. And I do not think my ex-fiancee is going to break that streak. Thanks for posting the update!

  270. Kim

    I was with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. He pursued me, pushed for me to move in with him etc. I did, despite the fact that he was 12 years older than me and had a child. We were great, he was there for me when 2 relatives died 20 days apart. Everything was wonderful. on the 3rd August, he told me that he didn’t love me anymore. I am still living with him as I have nowhere else to go yet, I am trying to buy a house.

    He told me that he wanted us to be friends, for me to stay until I got somewhere and for us to see what happened. He hoped that his feelings would return. He has been hugging me, putting his arm around me in bed etc. I took this to mean that we would work through this.

    Yesterday I asked him how he felt, what he wanted. He has been really lovely to me, makes my lunch for work, texts me, tells me he cares for me. Yesterday he told me that his feelings had not changed and that it was over. He can’t help how he feels. I am back where I was 11 weeks ago.

    I feel that he has been cruel to me and allowed me to think that things were getting better. He even bought me a copy of Vogue when I was down. I still have to live here, I can not afford to rent and buy a house whilst renting. I have told him that he must not touch me, text me, give me false hope.

    I feel like my insides have been ripped out for the second time, I feel sick. I have nowhere else to go. He also has not told his daughter, which is weird I think. I do not know how to get over this, I feel awful, also stupid for allowing myself to feel this way. He even texted; It’s over, you now have closure xxx’.

    Why did he put kisses on the end? Why would he want to do this to me? I am struggling to get through this. Any tips would be most welcome. This is like a second break up. First time 11 weeks ago, I went on holiday for 2 weeks to get away, when I got back he said, ‘Stay here, let’s see what happens and so on’. I felt better about things, like we would get back together, obviously that was all just a lie.I feel just terrible!

  271. Thea

    I am so sorry to hear that hon. That’s so challenging and you won’t really start to heal until you get out. Is there no one you can go stay with? A friend? Just to be away as much as you can for a while? He sounds like he loves you a ton but is not IN LOVE with you – as cliche as that is. He clearly cares about you but for whatever reason doesn’t want to be “committed” to you. That totally sucks I know. Can you sleep on the sofa? Or anywhere else? You two should avoid sharing that bed together. It just confuses things even more.

    In your shoes, as much as it would pain me – I’d be strong as possible. Act as if I accept his decision – and I am moving on. I would be out as much as humanly possible (not sharing where I was). I’d be totally civil but distant. He is your EX and not your friend right now. Maybe on down the road you can be friends but not this year!

    Work late, work out, see movies, join (book club, karate, pottery, knitting – whatever) to be out.

    Go for weekends away to see family and friends.

    When you’re back – again sleep elsewhere. Buy a blow up mattress if you have to. It is OVER. Sucky as that is to accept I think you’re being super strong and acting like you’re moving on (until you actually are) is the best way forward.

    Dumpers kinda hate that – LOL.

    Be kind. Civil. But none of his business where you are, who you’re with etc.

    I hope you get moved out soon. Go on Gumtree and find a room if you have to. You really will NOT start to heal until you get out of the bed/house/flat etc. You need that distance.

    Keep in touch. Hugs! I’ve been where you’re at (husband and one after him!) and it totally does suck but as your future self, you’ll get past this. OK? Hugs xxx

  272. Josh

    Hey Kim,

    First off, I am so sorry to hear how that has turned out. I actually am just out of a very similar situation. The very two Josh and His Dream Girl posts were actually written one week after my ex moved out. My situation lasted for over five weeks, and let me tell you, those were some of the worst weeks of my life. I would latch on to anything positive my ex-fiancée would do and I would get these random bursts of hope that we would try again, but we never did.

    You are spot-on when you say it’s like breaking up again with all of the pain attached. It’s as if you walk on eggshells, hoping you’re making them happy and that you’re closer to being back together. It’s impossible to relax and not be stressed out with all of the tension. It literally felt like torture. A nightmare could not come close to that feeling.

    Please, for the sake of your mental and emotional health, get out of there as quickly as possible. I hd the same battles in my head, too, about not having the money and being stuck. On one hand, I had an option that would completely blow up my finances, which was moving out of our apartment, paying the opt-out penalties, and moving on. Another was to stick it out until our lease was up, which would make a ton of financial sense, but I knew I would emotionally be in pieces at the end of the lease. I ended up picking a middle ground.

    Any updates would be greatly appreciated, but the most important thing now is to have as much separation as possible, and definitely get out of there as soon as you can. Best of luck to you.

  273. Tamana

    Hi Thea & Josh,

    There have been interesting turns of events in past few days. After few weeks of no-contact my ex suddenly messaged me and told me that he has called off his engagement. He assured me this decision is not because of our break up and have asked me if I still want to go ahead and marry him.
    The major road blocks that we would surely be facing are:
    1) Neither set of parents will accept so it would be a sort of a secret life in a different country so this decision doesn’t impact the lives of our siblings.
    2) My future kids will have to follow his religion. The reason he gives is that his parents might accept “us”, if the kids follow his religion .

    I am not able to make a decision. Because its a choice between him and my parents and also because even if he hasn’t asked me to convert but it would be conversion in a way.
    I know he loves me dearly and will keep me happy. Now my question to you guys is, is love enough to be happy the whole life? How long does it really last? I mean I love him but I am going to give up my whole identity in a way to be with him. I will have to leave everything behind, is it worth it? How do I know its worth it or not? Is it fair of him to expect such things?
    Am I thinking all this in a wrong way? Can you help me take a decision? What are the things I should be weighing to make this decision. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

    I know this is an unusual post and I am not even sure if this is the right forum to post this question. If this is not please let me know I will refrain from posting anything related to the above in further or please let me know if there is an alternate way to reach out to you.


  274. Josh

    Hi Tamana,

    Really glad you came back to post an update, but at the same time, I’m sorry for the predicament you’re in.

    The short answer: if you have to ask if you have to ask if love is enough and how long it will really last, then you already know the answer.

    The long answer: Re-read what you posted. To me, it screams that, deep down, you don’t really want to do this. Giving up one’s identity to be in a relationship seems like a sure way to get hurt in the end. Even if you live “happily ever after,” what have you really won? As you said, you would be giving up your whole identity and have to pretty much turn into pretend criminals on the run from the police, which in this case translates to keeping secrets from your family and losing a big part of yourself. Again, I think you know the answer, but life is so much easier said than done.

    Is it fair to him to expect such things? You mean to expect the love of your life, the person who you will theoretically send the rest of your life with, to be a great match for you and for you to be allowed to have a close relationship with your family and not lose some of your identity in the process? Having your kids grow up in a stable household and family where both sets of grandparents are in their lives, not to mention your lives? I don’t think you’re asking too much at all. Seems like a minimum requirement to me.

    And what he did within the past month should be taken into account. Is what he did to you understandable? Yes, in a way, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong and that there wasn’t a better way to handle it. Can you guarantee it won’t happen again?

    Please keep us updated, and best of luck to you. From your post, I have extreme faith in you no matter what you choose.

  275. Paige


    I met my partner at work three years ago, we met and initially became great friends. Our relationship flourished and we eventually began a romantic relationship. She was living with her husband at the time but the marriage had been over for a while as was my own. She decided to leave the maritual home after a year of us dating and live with me and my two children, 12 and 18. She also has children but much older who have their own lives and responsibilities. We were in love, we’d laugh and do silly things, we had our own habits and would show each other in our own way how we cared for each other. The relationship didn’t go without the usual ups and downs as do most relationships. She found it hard being around my children at times, she said she’s no good with children.

    She came back home to me this Friday as she’d been away to have Physio and relax. I had an awful week with work and hospital appointments that one of our text conversations didn’t end well, my fault and I apologised as I was slightly stressed. When she returned this weekend she was cold and said that half of her wants to be with me,she loves me and the other half is concerned about our long term future and how she will cope with kids as she gets older and whether she can cope with the emotions that come with a relationship.

    I was shocked as it was only the other weekend she told me how loved up she felt with me. Monday came and I cried so much to the point I was shaking and nauseous, we spoke about how she was feeling but told me that the wheels were in motion and she was leaving. I tried to fight for it but she was so determined. She has threatened to leave before but it never actually got to that stage. I have to mention that she is in withdrawal from anti depressants but many weeks now, I do believe this could be part of the problem but either way it’s happened.

    Well it’s Tuesday and I’m sitting here alone, she left to go and stay with her son. I feel that she was so cold to leave me in such a state, I feel a range of emotions right now but I’m hurting so much I just need to talk about it.

  276. Evie

    I’m currently recovering from a devastating break up about five months ago. It is still hard to hear about him or even say his name. We have not spoke or seen each other since the break up. I’ve immersed myself into things I put off while i was with him. Going back to school, taking judo classes, etc. It helps temporarily but the pain is still there. Most of the time its just a cocktail of emotions. Anger, bitterness, depression. He actually ended the relationship but I knew I should have left long before. All of his lies and the fact he cheated should have been a deal breaker. I will never understand his character. He has lied to everyone in his life. His employment, education and hell, he even lied about having cancer. Not to mention his finances are a wreck. This guy actually had the nerve to borrow money from me the week after he cheated. (I didn’t know yet) I know I’m better off but I hate hearing how he is doing so well. I often wish that all his lies and deceit catch up to him. Even though he has done many hurtful things, I still find myself thinking about him. I even create alternate scenarios in my mind of us together and happy. I still cling on to these memories and I can’t figure out why.

  277. Simon

    Good advice this here. If I’d known this at the time of being dumped after 6 years with a woman, maybe I’d have not suffered terribly for over 5 months! It was awful. Truly awful! She changed in 24 hours from someone I’d have done anything for, into a demon! I would have never have believed it! I was literally lost in myself and heartbroken beyond words – I actually thought I’d never get over it.

    Like this article here, if Id known at the time I’d have never chased, begged, pleaded, on and on……..

    I begged like a dog! It makes no difference and you just look pathetic. She almost enjoyed seeing the torture I was going through. Truly awful! Best advice EVER, don’t EVER chase them. Just disappear, as hard as it is (because it hurts so much to not have them in your life) it’s the best move you can do. Within a few weeks she was seeing other men and I was beyond pain and hurt. But………..the advice above on this site is gold! And now, I’m over it and couldn’t careless. Any woman who can enjoy seeing a man hurting so much isn’t worth anything. Lesson learnt.

  278. Gutted

    Well I got dumped after 5 years by txt the day before my birthday,I’m a 36 year old guy and it’s only my 2nd long relationship,that was over 2 months ago and I’m still pretty raw over it,I have good days and bad,when I analyse the relationship I know it’s for the best that it’s over,we didn’t communicate about anything there was also a lot of jealousy and mistrust from the both of us,I have contacted her 3 or 4 times and have had a response each time although short and to the point,I know deep down it’s over but I keep imagining getting back together ,even though she’s made it clear she’s not intrested,I was unhappy in the relationship for quite a while and I just can’t understand why I feel so low about the split,this website has helped me and I just long for the time when I don’t think about her all day everyday,the thought of bumping into her or finding out she’s with someone else fills me with dread and makes me so anxious ,but I no time is a great healer and I’m just hoping that in another month or two she will just be another memory ,a past experience,good luck to all on here and with time the pain will pass.

  279. Erin

    I was dumped a week ago today. My heart still feels like it was thrown into the lava of Mt. Doom, with him spitting on my heart to put out the flames when he told me he still wants to be my best friend.

    I started seeing my ex after I dumped my previous ex of over a year, I wasn’t happy in that relationship and I had always had strong feelings for my recent one. We have been best friends for 5 years, I felt really secure, I felt like I had found the right guy who I was going to spend a long time with. A couple weeks after we had gotten romantically involved, my grandpa was dying and then shortly passed. He was there for me and held me when I broke down, telling me everything was going to be okay. A few months after that I got word that my house was being foreclosed, the house I grew up in, I wasn’t prepared, and I was in shock. He helped me get through it all and even helped me pack up my room and move everything to a storage unit. He was holding my hand every step of the way in this hard time. Everything started building up on me though, I became severely depressed, even suicidal. I kept everything in because I didn’t want him to worry about me or think of me differently. One night he broke down crying because he thought I wasn’t happy with him, then I told him everything about how I was feeling. That’s when everything went downhill. Though I told him I was still distant about telling him how I felt and I deeply regret that, I always apologized how I was acting though, or at least I tried to. He started sparsely texting me and avoided using pet names. I knew something was wrong then, I knew something bad was going to happen between us. I just knew it in my gut but I kept telling myself everything was going to work out. When I called him I asked if we were okay and I didn’t get the answer I wanted.
    “I wasn’t ready for a relationship”
    “We got together at the wrong time”
    “I haven’t been feeling the same”
    Oh dear lord, I was crushed. Like I said earlier, I felt like he threw my heart into the lava of Mt. Doom. I felt like my world was crashing down on me, after everything I’ve been through and still dealing with, this was the last thing I expected and needed. He kept telling me he was still going to be there for me and still wanted us to be friends, I felt like he was trying to put the flames out by spitting on my heart with that. He didn’t sound like he was upset until I told him I couldn’t be friends with him. I caved and I told him I would just need sometime to think. I regretfully texted him only a short time after thinking I had a revelation on why he broke up with me and that I was “fine” with it. Now after a few days, I’m not thinking that way anymore. He broke up with me because of my mental health and lied about being ready for a relationship. I fee betrayed, used, violated, and destroyed. Never in a million years would I have imagined this would’ve happened, that he was capable of ripping my heart out. I’ve always been strong, I have been since the 3rd grade when I was diagnosed with depression. I could make it through everything but now…. I just feel so doubtful. I was so in love with him, everyone knew it. Everyone including myself is still in shock that this happened, and that he did that. It’s not like him and I just can’t grasp why he did this. I was nothing but kind, harmless, I spoiled him, I loved him, I cared for him…. But I feel like he took advantage of that and made me feel like a fool. I still cry everyday and I doubt that will stop. But as Mr. Tolkien so beautifully put in “Return of the King” in Sam’s Song, “Above all shadows rides the sun,” and I’m stuck under this shadow but eventually the sun will break through and carry me away to new and great things. Once that sun carries me away, I can finally face my depression; who I compare to the Balrog and defeat it, becoming Gandalf the White. Typing this has only made me realize I will become stronger from this and though I have chronic depression and it makes things 100000000000x harder than things should be, I will come out on top and happier. It’s just really hard right now….

  280. Seattle

    I feel like after we all experience a tragic break up and realize our faults along with those who we were with, that we obsess over and long for that specific person because of the years or months spent with that individual!
    Times I feel I should catch a flight and go handle what’s mine and then other days I remember what addiction he impacted and affected me with. All though it was my desiring devotion to want and beg and mend everything for being wiser , it would never be what it could have been.
    Life ain’t about jumping rope and grabbing ass, or living by quotes, and definitely not rebounding it up! Life is loving yourself, valuing every hurtful experience with the trust and acceptance that God closes the doors on those who aren’t meant to be in our lives such as anything else we must switch paths too.
    It hurts, love is pain but there is always something new and healthier around the corner.
    It takes a lot of will power
    To just let go but the best advice that I use keeping in mind my relationship has been over for about a year and I still cry
    The past is never a wise decision because if it’s not you it’s the other who will drag you down into the “remember when” and it’s set for nothing but an elevator full of misery and negativity!
    There will never be room for growth and development

  281. Heena


    I just got to know few hours back that my ex is getting married in August, he was nice enough to call me and inform me before I get to know from social media.

    The story goes like this: we were happily head over heels in love with each other for 1.5 years. His parents started pressurizing him to get married, we wanted to get married but neither of our parents were okay with “us” as we belong to different religions. After a lot of consultation and talking with each other we decided to end it (this January) as there was no future. I sort of initiated the process thinking we both need time to get over each other before we marry someone else because marriage in my culture is inevitable.
    I followed the no contact policy, did everything I could to try to get over him but I know in my heart that I miss him terribly, that I still love him, that I still think of him as my boyfriend and not an “ex”. And this sudden, but not un-expected news have sort of put a break on the recovery process and it feels like I will have to really make an effort to get over him once again. I mean it feels like my life is just going in rounds and rounds. I was actually thinking of calling him and telling him the same (about my un-changed feelings for him) but am so glad I didn’t do it.
    He sounded really happy, I have mixed feelings about it. I am happy that he is happy but I am so worried about myself. I am still in the phase where I do not want to meet people, or even think about marriage. I haven’t stopped crying since I got the news. I just want to be happy now. I want to be done with this chapter of my life so I can move forward. I just wish that someone could just tell me my future, how will it pan out because I am getting extremely worried and depressed about it. I am so scared. I actually have started feeling I am never going to get anyone in my life because this break-up has changed me and not for good. I was never this way ever and never so negative.
    I am so sorry for the banter but I am really feeling lost and stuck, what do I do?

  282. Just Dont Know

    hi everyone,

    i just got out of a 5 yr relationship With my ex-girlfriend. She’s 22 and I’m 27.We have a wonderful three-year-old daughter.And it ended when I asked her what was the matter when she looks sad there was no fight we were just relaxing and talking and she said she hasn’t been happy for a while started bringing up the most minor reasons that she never even told me before about i.e. “if you cleaned a little more”, “if you took me out more”, “and you just play some games too much” the cleaning is not a thing if we would’ve talked about it would’ve been okay and we were trying to save money to move that’s why we never went out and she even played the games with me. She says she needs the time to work on herself and figure out what she’s going to do in life. But it just feels like the five years doesn’t mean anything to her. When we talk about it she barely gets upset. I can’t eat or sleep she does both just fine. She wants to make a clean break with me that stay friends for our daughter. And I want to be there for my daughter I love my little girl but when I think about her mama it just hurts really bad. She has to stay in my apartment with me for another month before she can move out into her own. I don’t know how to do this seeing her every day. The first day I was begging like a dog jumping through hoops now I do see that that’s not worth it but all her stuff still around me is upsetting.

    PS. When she leaves she’s taking her daughter with her so it feels like I’m losing my best friend, my wife, and my little girl.

    Any advice would be awesome besides what’s above trying that right now.
    – Father in pain

  283. Susie

    Dear Just Don’t Know – change the names, the ages and you could easily be me. I’m in my 60’s, had been married for 39 years and after a lovely New Year’s Eve my husband woke to tell me he just wasn’t happy, hadn’t been for a long long time. Needed to leave and go work on himself. We tried to stay in the house together for economic reasons. I couldn’t handle it after just a couple of week.

    I’ll tell you this, your five years matters as much as my 39 did. And it’s taken me 5 years to get here mind you but get here I did. The fact that it ended, the fact that I was so totally blindsided doesn’t change the fact that those 39 years meant the world to me, still do and I thank God for them daily.

    I won’t tell you how wonderful it’ll be someday because it’s always going to hurt. I will promise you this though, you’re stronger than you think and the day will come when you find you have learned to put this hurt in it’s own special box and tamp down the lid real secure. That way you’ll manage the pain, the hurt, the empty feeling all the feelings I can’t even give you names for. There will be days when the lid cracks and all of it comes barreling out on you but you’ll learn to control it. I promise.

    This site saved my sanity, saved my dignity. It allowed me to spew – and that’s exactly the right word – all my hurt and anger and embarrassment and humiliation and the PAIN. People spoke to me here. It was this site that helped me realize I would someday be able to not so much “get over it” but to at least get beyond it.

    I’m way older, I’m over weight, I’m certainly not in the market for anything. Not looking for a new love. It will be different for you. What is the same for each of us? I’ve learned to be comfortable in my singularity. Once I got to that point, well the world just opened up. I did nothing wrong. We just didn’t communicate enough and when I asked, “what’s wrong”, I never got an honest answer. But I am an amazing woman, always have been. I just lost sight of her for a while.

    Stay strong, do NOT stop believing in yourself, grieve and talk. Talk here. You will discover an amazing community of support.


  284. Andrew

    Hey Brother,

    So sorry to hear about your situation. I’ll preface everything I’m going to state below by saying YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I know, as do many people who post here, what it’s like, and even though my past may be different, the feelings are the same.

    Ok, with that said…I think a major part of the problem here is the age thing. At 22, with a three-year-old, she may be feeling like she’s going to be “tied down.” That is, she is going to “miss out on something” if she stays in a relationship. I don’t know her dating past, but I’d be willing to bet she hasn’t had many serious relationships.

    What I see happen many times is people who have kids at a relatively young age either neglect the child to hang out with friends and do things young people do, or they begin feeling regret that they aren’t able to do those things because of having a child and having to “grow up”.

    Now, as stated, I don’t know her dating past, but I’d be willing to bet she’s not wanting to accept responsibility. The whole thing about “working on herself” is a pretty clear indication. She thinks that if you guys break up, she’ll be free to do…well, what it is she thinks she’s missing.

    Unfortunately for her, she’s going to be in for a rude awakening. Maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not next week, but it will happen. What she’ll come to realize is that life is life, plain and simple. There often is no greener grass, or if it exists, it won’t stay as green for long. This is a mistake that so, so, so many people make in relationships and it often takes time for them to see things for what they are.

    Now, I’m not in any way trying to encourage you to “wait around” for that to happen. She’s made her choice, as much as it hurts. Her whole bringing up things like “you don’t take me out” is just immature and a way for her to justify what she’s done in her own mind. I know that you care for her, but don’t put her on a pedestal. Dude, I did it and it only led to me agonizing for far longer than I needed to. Five years is a long time to be together, so you should know her strengths and weaknesses. Don’t focus only on the strengths.

    As for you and your next steps? That’s going to be up to you. In virtually all cases, as Thea can attest to, no contact would be the way to go. However, with a child involved, it may not be possible to go no contact. You stated that you guys have a child together, but then you said she is taking “her” daughter…is this your biological child or is this a child she had with someone else and you were helping raise? Either way, it doesn’t affect the love you have for the child, but if she is not your biological daughter, I would just go no contact. If she is your biological daughter, I would keep contact to a minimum, only pertaining to your daughter. Don’t bring up the relationship, don’t bring up the breakup, don’t bring up getting back together.

    Now, what is no contact? If you go no contact, it’s just that. NO CONTACT! AT ALL! FOR ANY REASON! Do not call her, email her, text her, send a letter, smoke signals, carrier pigeon…nothing! And if she reaches out? NO! Don’t answer her calls, don’t reply to texts, put “return to sender” on any mail.

    Back to the daughter thing. If the little girl is not your biologically, she may try to use the daughter as an excuse for contact. Dude, that’s heartwrenching, but don’t get pulled in. If you do, she will see that she is in control of the situation and can have you jumping through those hoops you mentioned. It’s never too late to go no contact and regain your control over the situation.

    No contact is not about “punishing” the other person…far from it. It’s about you saying to yourself that you value your sense of pride and your selfworth enough to not allow your emotions to be controlled by and toyed with by another human being.

    Again, if this is not an option due to legal parental rights, then stay civil. If you have to break down and cry as soon as you get off the phone, do so, but don’t do it on the phone. If you have visitation rights, pick up and drop off your daughter civilly. Don’t badmouth your ex AT ALL in front of the little girl, for any reason, ever. That is going to invite a whole new set of problems.

    In closing, I’ll say this…it’s not about moving on…it’s about moving forward. Whether that be one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time. I know it’s tough to do, but try to find things to occupy your mind. Pick up a new hobby or focus more on a current or past hobby. Throw yourself into something that will keep you busy. You will get through this and be better for it on the other side. I’ve seen it time and time again, and I am personally living proof that it does happen!

    I’ll also leave you with this track. It got me through a lot of tough, dark times –

  285. Just Dont Know

    Thank you all so much for the support. Our daughter is both of ours and I’m trying to go back to school for a nice distraction from all this and trying to better myself. If i can turn this into a positive one way or another its gonna be that i can still go on and that i can better myself. I’m still going one day at a time and feeling it the whole way Tho.
    If only time could go by faster sometimes.

    thank you for the song it actually helps a little..

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  287. Helen

    I’m 25 yrs old and was with my partner for 2 1/2 years. He’s five years my junior. We broke up properly today. He moved out of my parents place 3 weeks ago and that same weekend we were still talking about getting married and our future kids names. I got a job in the same city as him at that time to so we could eventually get a place together. Then 3 days after he moves he says he thinks he can’t be what I need and such like. 2 days after that he comes to me and says he doesn’t know what he was thinking. The next 2 weeks are normal, then 3 days ago he holds me and says we need to have a serious talk and I get upset and ask if he’ll break up with me and he says maybe. We plan to meet on weds to talk. Today he messages me today (monday) saying he can’t decide and he needs another week to decide. I call him and I say I think he wants to end it and is being cowardly. So I say it and he agrees and I’m crying and making plans to get my stuff and sobbing. I’m having a hard time accepting it’s over. I thought he was my soulmate, I gave him everything I could. I cry spontaneously, then I’m in total denial for a bit and earlier I was laughing and it just turned into crying. I know this recovery is going to take years. But I’m going to do everything I can to help myself. I asked him to only contact me if he really needs to, to avoid my favourite places because I don’t want to bump into him. He knows he’s hurt me so he agreed. I haven’t blocked his number or deleted his Facebook but I can stop myself contacting him. I’m really just holding out hope that he’ll contact me. Ask for me back, because he said he cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me. I wish he hadn’t said it because I’ll hold onto those words for a long time. I deleted all his old messages, I’m trying to make sure I’ve collected all his things to return and I’m getting my stuff on weds, when he’s not home. I am going back onto anti-depressants next week and I will start seeing a therapist soon hopefully, as I feel I can’t get through this. Any advice on how to stop hoping he’ll turn up on my door step and apologize would be helpful because I know this is preventing me from starting to recover. I am not eating or sleeping normally since I can’t force myself to do either and I have taken a couple days off work. But I’m still exercising and doing normal things as much as possible. I know its not a process you can rush but giving up hope is something my Disney generation is programmed not to do, and i don’t know where to start.

  288. Marta

    Hi Helen,
    Im terribly sorry to hear what you are going through. I totally understand how u feel since Im experiencing the same (my bf broke up woth me after 2.2years living together) although my ex was pretty harsh while solitting up with me I cant asure you that no matter what he said(good or bad stuff) he decided to go on gis life without you so you have to put all your efforts into getting your life back up again. Think of yourself, improve yourself, do not look back. I know it is absolutely difficult, but you have to show him and especially you, that you are valuable, that you did not do anything to deserve this, that you loved him so much and you did your best (stop thinking about your mistakes and whatifs because everybody makes mistakes!!) we are all humans and we deserve to be understood and forgiven and if he would have wanted to grow together he should have fought for your relationship. Im sorry, im here if you need to talk. Xxx

  289. sad & lonely girl

    Hi Guys

    I have decided to write this post as I need to know if people think I am genuinely a horrible person or if he is trying to “pay me back” as the saying goes. Ok, here goes,…I will try to condense it down a bit,

    So I met my now ex partner 4 years ago through a hobby it was a complete chance meeting and he was with someone at the time, we chatted innocently (though we both admit it was love at first sight and knew we would be together) we were friends for around 6 months nothing more as neither of us would do that not our style.

    Then he split with his ex and there was some talk of us going out on a date, then he text me in the middle of the night a week or so later to tell me they are giving it another go, I respected this and left him alone for a while, They split christmas and we were a couple within 2 weeks of that, it was not a rebound thing and we both knew it, I did feel sorry for his ex but we didnt do anything wrong so have a clear conscience.

    Anyyho that was 3 1/2 yrs ago and we were so happy for the first year, then I said a stupid thing that was a joke but basically he just put a barrier up and convinced himself I had been with someone else. Now anyone who knows me knows that I would never, have never and could never do that, I have never had a one night stand,only had a few bf in my life also its just not me. we managed to work through it and both agreed our relationship was worth fighting for. (he has not had good relationships in his life and is very wary plus he is 15 yrs my senior, something that bothered him more than me i never gave it a thought. So for the last 2 1/2 years he has brought this stupid joke i said (i can honestly say if for a minute i thought he would take it the way he did i would not have said it, maybe my innocence and lack of life experience played a big part in this)

    So the last 2 1/2 yrs have still been full of good times and memories are something we have a lot of, whilst we were together he suffered with ill health and was off work a lot but now he is coming out the other side at last and that almost makes it worse we were just getting to the good bit as I say. Unfortounately around a year ago I became unwell and have now had a diagnosis of an incurable condition which has no Licensed treatment and specialists are not that knowledgable on. Recently it all fell into place that due to my condition (which is invisible so people dont get it and think im just lazy) i have pushed everyone close to me away and closed up completely causing him to end things for good.

    It’s taken this to make me realise what i have lost i knew what i had inside but didnt express it causing this mess. 2 weeks after we split he got together with someone he has known for years but recently they got back in touch. its caused me to become very depressed as I have had my diagnosis which is bad enough but then lost my soulmate who i could speak to about things and now as a result of my illness i have lost my job, (i cant see how it can get much worse) im lucky i have supportive parents but thats about it the few friends i have are distancing themselves now too as all i do is cry and talk of him. I could deal with it all if i hadnt lost him. So i understand we cant be together now thats ok with me but the thing thats consuming me and making me have these horrible thoughts is that she is already coming to stay at his house where i lived with him.

    The thought of her in my place doing what i did etc etc i just cant handle, the doctor pxd me meds to relax me but im ok when he is not with her (she lives 1hr away) but soon as i know she is coming for a few days i go back to square one, he says he still loves me a lot and is always ringing and texting to check on me (he visits and the inevitable has happened a few times whicj i thought would help knowing that he is not completely hers and i know he didn’t ever cheat on me thats for sure. Now he has just told me she is coming for a few days and all i do is cry the worse part is he wants us to be friends and is very supportive but when she comes he doesnt even text me once so i cant mean that much can i.

    He said i broke his heart and i see that but he cant see what this is doing to me now he doesnt understand this horrible jealousy i feel when he is with her she has what i want aarrgghhhhhh. Sorry for going on but any advice would be much appreciated, i know that people say break all contact but its so hard i keep thinking oh i must tell him that or show him this then i remember its not like that, but he is the one who texts me first most of the time or makes excuses to come see me dropping off stuff that isnt important, am i silly to hope that we may get back together in the future as i cant begin to think of even talking to another man let alone dating.

    Thanks for listening.

    T age 30

  290. Helen

    Thank you so much for your support Martha, I’m sorry your ex had to be so cruel. Thanks for your advice, I’m doing my absolute best to get on with my life. I think about him constantly and still love and miss him but it’s only been a month so I know it’s just time. I can’t imagine any man ever comparing to him, despite reminding myself of his flaws regularly.
    But I haven’t contacted him at all, I collected my things without seeing him and my mum very generously returned his things, he had the audacity to hug her, which made me very angry. When he threw me away, he threw away my family too, we’re a package deal and he’s lost it all. He’ll never be so lucky to find a family as accepting as mine. He’s in all our last holiday snaps too.
    I feel very lonely and want to make more friends but my struggles with depression and social anxiety make it hard, plus I simply cannot afford to take classes, or go out many places to meet new people. I also feel I’m just not a lot of fun to be around right now. I feel guilty for asking family and friends to spend time with me, as I just want to be with my ex, sort of like I’m just using them as a patch, and wasting their time.
    The relationship was exceptional, I’ve lost my best friend and partner, someone I always thought would be on my side.

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  292. Dee

    Three months ago my partner of 13 years woke me up to tell me that he didn’t think he loved me the same anymore and that we should take some time to see how we feel. I was in shock as just the day before he had been completely normal and loving, even saying we should take a trip together. I quit my job to pursue study so I could have the career I always wanted and he supported me in that. Up until that moment I thought everything was on track and that we were the happiest we had been in a while (my job was a bit awful and put a lot if stress on me and it affected our relationship, another reason why I quit). I begged and pleaded and said I will do anything, pathetic I know. Turns out, a girl started a three month internship at his work and they became “friends”. She has just turned 21 (he is 42) and he had one conversation with her and that was it, he was infatuated. he walked her home every day, has had her at our home while I am there and then bought a car so he could pick her up and drive her home each day, then take her to the mall etc. All of this time he has said we are still together but seeing how it goes. He had been depressed and having issues when he met her and said that she listened to his problems and she is seriously good looking. He has made a lot of comparisons between her and me and has talked about how he wished he had met her instead of me and asks me stuff like if I think that the age gap is too big or if she flicks her hair does that mean she wants him. I feel like he has been stringing me along. She left his work and he was so down, but started talking to me more and apologised for how he has been and things he has said. Tells me that he loves me but doesn’t know if we can work, that he wants me to stay living with him etc. Unfortunately, I had to go out of the city as part of my studies for 4 nights and the first night I was away he took her to the movies and bought her things. I was so upset as he texted me to say that he wasn’t swapping body fluids and he would text me after he took her home. His counsellor has told him age gaps don’t matter and to go for it with the girl and his best friend is encouraging him to tell this girl how he feels about her. He had told me that he hasn’t told anyone about what is going on with us but he tells me now that he told the girl before he brought her here (3 weeks after they met and coincidentally 3 weeks after he told me he wanted space) and last night he told his best friend I was moving out. I am so confused, he knows I can’t afford to move as I am not working but then when I asked him he said he didn’t mean anything by it. He must have told his friends he dumped me and last night for the first time he said we were broken up yet he keeps telling me he is not sure he wants to break up. I can’t cope much longer with this as I think I am being treated badly but I know that I am no saint. Should I just give up and let him be with her? he tells me he doesn’t love her but he acts like he does and told his best friend he wants her. I feel like I should give up my study and just get a job but I don’t want to lose this opportunity. Has anyone had experience with this? He is depressed and changing his clothes, losing weight and talking about how everyone tells him he looks so much younger than he is. I feel so ugly after him telling me how much better she is than me. I know I shouldn’t be a door mat but could it just be depression and I should keep trying to tolerate it and see if he will love me again? Sorry for my novel here, just feeling very alone and our friends are on his side and aren’t even acknowledging I exist.

  293. yutani

    Wow. Today I got dumped and called a bitch just because my ex wanted to know what I do and who I hang with 24/7. He is completely pathetic. Maybe I do need sometime for my self because that relationship was getting nasty. This site gave me a new perspective.

  294. ASingh

    I am not even sure if you still respond to this or it’s active, but reading this has been refreshing. I am at a point in my life where the sadness and pain I feel has become unbearable.

    2 years ago, I fell in love with my colleague (bad idea) and we were the best of friends. There were a lot of ups and downs because we didn’t start off in a relationship.

    Since the start was not based fully on trust, when we eventually did get into a relationship, my inner demons and insecurities came out in flying force. He definitely has his issues, but the way in which I lashed out and treated him, based on my own insecurities eventually led to the demise of the relationship.

    Even after it ended, he told me that we both need to work on ourselves and the issues we have cannot lead to a healthy relationship. He is the love of my life and I have never appreciated someone so much since they have left my life.

    I have been strong this summer and not spoken to him, but since work started this week, I am back to where I was. I am not sure how to not have hope, our relationship/friendship/etc. for the last 2 years has had so many ups and downs because of our own stages in life where we are sort of “finding ourselves” I am unable to move on and really still have this hope that somehow we will find ourselves back together.

    I kept trying to control things and demand answers for why he didn’t want a relationship, I never took the space and let him be, and now that I am all I can do is question whether he will come back.

    Furthermore, I HAVE TO SEE HIM which is so painful. We both hurt each other, but I acknowledge that my words and lashing out has left a deep scar on him. I say things out of hurt and anger, and all those words have eventually led to a point where he may never forgive me.

    Can anyone please help me? I am 28-he is 30, and this is the man I wanted to be with and still do. We each met each other’s parents etc. I am trying to stay strong but the thoughts consume me. Thank you internet community, I really hope you can help me

  295. Sylvia

    It’s been a little over two months since he left. We were together for six years. He’s left me for a 19 year old girl. I was 19 when we started dating. I’ve been through the part where it hurts to the point where it’s physically painful, the anger and bitterness, the biting sadness, the lonely sleepless nights, the emptiness. It has taken a toll on my work. But I’ve decided to let things go and accepted that he’s never coming back and does not want to be with me.
    I wish that made it easier, but rejection messes up with your mind and self image if you let it. It’s a journey I suppose.
    And how people ultimately feel about you is really out of your control. You can only be the best version of you and hope that that is enough for them.

  296. Conner

    So my boyfriend of five months and I broke up about a month ago. I know it wasn’t a long relationship, but we had dated for about two months the year before, broke up, and got back together about a year later. He was my first love. He was very in love with me, and I was with him. He is honestly a really really good guy. Funny, so smart, caring, and just overall one of the most thoughtful people I’ve ever met. However, he does have issues with depression and anxiety. Before we got back together, he went through a pretty dark period with drugs and alcohol. He stopped cold turkey when we got back together, and has been seeing a therapist and taking anxiety medication and stuff like that. I always told him if he slipped up, he could tell me and I wouldn’t judge him, but that I would help him. However, he went to a music festival and slipped up big time. That would’ve been fine, but he neglected to tell me about it for too long. He didn’t tell me until about a week and a half later, and we had hung out multiple times so it wasn’t like he didn’t have the chance. And when he did tell me, it wasn’t in the way that was like “I’ve got something important to talk to you about”. He just casually mentioned it. I was infuriated because I care about him so much and he just didn’t tell me. It really hurt, and it really scared me. I ended up breaking up with him, because I couldn’t trust him anymore. I think it was the right thing to do. We are still friends, we go to coffee occasionally and we keep each other updated on our lives and important events. I think he’s still in really in love with me, and I haven’t gotten over him. But I wouldn’t be happy cutting him out completely. It would be worse. And now he’s not even being careful about substance and stuff. He hasn’t done drugs as far as I know, but he’s blacked out at a party and stuff along those lines. I feel like I don’t know him anymore, because his mentality about that stuff has completely changed. That is not the guy I knew. And I don’t think I have a place to tell him that. I want to forget it. I want to move on and not stress. But I really worry about his well being. What do I do?

  297. bex

    My boyfriend just dumped me, we live an hour and half away. He says he loves me more than anything and he didn’t want to do this but the distant thing is killing him, he is not willing to move in somewhere half way for both of us to keep our jobs and says he drives enough for work and i dont want to move to where he is as i will be isolated withno friends or family. I dont believe this is the reason he dumped me and i am so hurt right niw. Can sombody please advise me on anything!…..bex

  298. Thea

    Bex sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve just sent you a wee email to match you with a breakup buddy. I know you’re hurting and it does really take some time to get passed that but I promise you will, if you really want to. it just takes a bit of time and effort.

    Distances are definitely hard, and I wouldn’t do it (done it). In some ways it may make it easier to get over though! You’re not having to work with them and bump into him etc.

    But you’re right it could be an excuse. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what his reason is – it’s simply over. An you have to find a way to get on with the healing process. Hugs xx

  299. robby

    The girl I was seeing dumped me a couple of months ago and started seeing someone new just a few weeks ago. We had a short, intense relationship, but I now see that I was nothing more than a rebound. Rationally, I can see why it had to end between us. But it hurts. And now that she is casually seeing someone else, I realize that I haven’t gotten over the hurt. I am 42 and it feels as though I will never find anyone that will stick with me. The longest relationship I had was ~3 years (have had a few that lasted 1-2 years); I have never been married and, at least at the moment, I think I am unlovable…feel like a winner. I think I know what I am doing wrong in my relationships (I care more for her needs than I do for my own…problem!) and I am working on that.

    The girl who dumped me wants to be friends and I am not there yet. She says that it may be possible that the friendship could evolve into a real relationship over time, not something casual, which she saw our relationship being (I was a rebound, after all). It seems unlikely to me that a friendship could evolve like that and being friends with her is not easy because I am unhappy with just being friends. I want more and I will, at least in the near-term, keep hoping for more and possibly pushing inadvertently in that direction…probably not healthy for me.

    She broke up with me because she thought we were too serious and she didn’t want that at the moment. Someone in another comment said that when you find out the person you are with just got out of a long-term relationship, run! I should have known better and that advice now seems obvious to me. Feel a bit foolish about that.

    She has asked that we do pizza night like we used to when we were together. It seems like a bad idea to me, given my current internal state. Agreed? Any advice and insights would be most welcome.

  300. robby

    Addendum to above comment: I should mention that we work together…so, I see her daily. Not fun, as that makes it difficult to put her out of my mind. What do I do?!?

  301. EmilyLloyd

    Dear Robby, Message on here if you would like a breakup buddy, I am also needing a bit of moral support due to a recent split, I can pass you my email address via Thea

  302. Sonya

    OMG. I am just going through the like worst break up ever, he left me for someone he thought was more mature, someone more his age. I feel for an older man. I am in high school and he is 46. He left me and I don’t know how to do. I know it was wrong to ever get involved with a man that age but he was so hot and everything to me. I lost my v to him and everything. He left me and said it was due to my maturity level and his new girlfriend is like so pretty. HELP.

  303. Kit

    I’m in my 50’s and thought I found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Loved his family, friends and thought they loved me. We fit so well. I asked all the right questions, gave all the right answers. Marine, Gulf War Syndrome, meds, mental issues, physical issues. While he was spilling my guts out he also blurts out that he only has 2 to 7 years to live. This wasn’t the guy I’ve know for 2 years now. His friend says he does this occasionally…kind of flips out so I’m hoping it’s only temporary. But do I want to take a chance on it happening again??? no code to enter

  304. Rosette

    I’m only in 8th grade, but my ex was my first boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. We dated for 5 and a half months. (November 4th-April 12th). He was the first guy who said he loved me, and that I was beautiful, and stuff like that. We were even engaged, and planned our wedding day (our 6 month anniversary), and our kids, and futures together. Before we started dating, he was my best and only friend. He understood my depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and stuff like that. I still love him, a lot, but he likes another girl (she’s in 7th grade), and he won’t even talk to me. I just can’t let go of our old emails and photos and stuff. I just want him back so friggin bad. I’ve been going between feeling mad and then bawling my eyes out for the past 2 months, and I don’t know what to do.

  305. Thea

    R, I am sorry to hear your sad tale. I had quite a few of them when your age and for many years to come. 5.5 months was way longer than any of my relationships in junior high and even high school though so you’re already doing better than I did. You are a very wise young soul and I understand the sadness you feel. I felt it too back then. Don’t “let go” of all that stuff you speak of – but box it up out of the way. I am many many many times your own age and now I look back – even on my painful years with utter fondness. I ache for the girl I was back then and the pain she felt but it’s made me who I am today and I would not change a moment of it. Every experience we have in our lives shapes us. The good and the painful! To be honest most people don’t like junior high or high school…it’s hard being that age. It’s hard being old too but it’s a different kind of hard.

    I have a diary next to my bed from when I was in my teens. It was a roller coaster time for me. I would be totally up and in love with some guy one day and sobbing over him the next. You know what’s funny now? I don’t even remember the guys I spoke of back then. Not really. Some but not all. At the time it all felt so big but as we traverse our lives those experiences you are feeling so deeply now will become a distant memory. And when you do look back you’ll let go of the pain associated and they’ll make you smile. Yes, even these past few months. I really do promise you.

    Try to release the anger when you can and just realise he’s just as screwed up as the rest of us…he’s just trying to get through too. The odds of this new relationship lasting the test of time are as likely as winning the lottery. Slim to none.

    So really my advice to you is keep writing. Go get a notebook or get your parents or an older sibling to get one. A nice one. And write down those feelings you’re feeling. All of it. Uncensored. Some day you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come. You can use it for creative projects. Like the girl who wrote ’13’ when she was only 13. Do something positive with this heartbreak. Use it to make you better, stronger, wiser,…this is your first but I can guarantee it won’t be your last. But eventually you will meet one who’s a keeper. I hope it doesn’t have for more than ten years now because junior high and high school are times to be spending with friends. Figuring out what interests you – Sports? Music? Painting? Fashion? Video? Computers? Programming? Knitting? I don’t know – but try everything you can until you find stuff that lights you up inside.

    I guess if I could go back to talk to my teenage self – I would tell her to not waste all my time and energy on any boys. Sure have fun, date, kiss but don’t get so hung up on ones – especially those who chose to go be with someone else. Good riddance. If he can’t see your worth then he’s not worth it. Sadly it took me another 20 years to come to that conclusion.

    Time to dry your tears and go do something fun. Go roller skating, swimming, anything…Watch something that makes you laugh until you cry joyful tears. Reconnect with the happy you before him. You will be ok. I promise you. Well if you want to be…it’s down to you. You can learn to be resilient and bounce back from setbacks…Disappointments due to friends, boyfriends, school, work….all of it.

    You’re fabulous. His choosing to no longer be your friend (FOR NOW) does not change that. OK? Keep writing if you need to. I’m here. x

  306. Sonny

    My bf from last 2.5 years broke up with me recently we were nt on very good terms before that he was fighting continously and was ignoring me but i was addicted to him and wanna give it a try ,whn he said he is over me i fought with him refused to let him go called him again and again so he blocked me, even thn one night whn i cant handle my self i bombarded him with my messages bt he didnt reply. So i decided to calm my self down send him my final message wishing him good luck and applied nc for 28 days and thn said sry to him for my behavior he said ok bt cleared tht he dosent want to continue with me i was ok and offered him to be friends as i felt i was over him , after tht he started talking to me in a very friendly manner and jolted me back to my prvs situation whr i want him back so i took a break and told him i cant be friends with him and blocked him bt within two three days i contacted him again and told him i want to be back with him intially he didnt said anything bt fianlly agreed to give it chance he booked a movie date with me bt jst before the final day in evening he cancelled the date saying he has some urgent work ,he used to do it always in the past as well so it was nt a suprise for me again tht night we talked nicely and had phone sex we used to do it a lot during our relationship bt nxt day he didnt msg me nor did he revrt back to my txt and in the evening i found out tht i was blocked again by him i messaged him abt it bt he said he is busy in the end at night he blocked me on whtsapp too. With this final blow on my dignity i fell hard on my face .Even after so much insult i cant let him go i am getting obsessed with the fact tht why i didnt realise it during our relationship tht he was never into me thts why he always keep the talk very casual and never included me in his plans he always called me in night only for phone sex and whn ever i used to raise this topic he started fighting over it and never took me out for a date and cancelled all in last minute even tht day he did the same bt i was so caught up the thought of having him back tht i was ok with tht too.I broke up with him many times before becoz i always sensed tht smthing is wrong bt i was so emotionally weak whn after few days whenevr he messaged me i jump on the wagon as he always promised tht things will change and whn he used to get angry i always have to beg him .I am feeling dumb stupid and like a complete idiot tht he was like this all the time ,bt me being so gullible was ok with all tht having rosey dreams tht all will become well one day i used to think he was a great guy as i never had a relationship before this so for me wht evr he said was ok .Now my heart and head both are blank i want to move on bt i feel i have lost my self confidence and my self respect how could i be so dumb to trust his words again i dnt want to hold any negativity and bitterness in me because it brings back the feeling of shame he was a jurk bt i feel i am equally responsible for my this condition because of which i keep cursing my self for being so naive obsessed and blind i want to come over this feeling of guilt tht why i trusted such a moron whn i was sure he had no intetions for staying long i did everthing to please him why the hell in earth i lost my composure tried to stop him and try to win him back. I have nothing to do with him now bt my self guilt is killing me as i put my self worth self respect on stake and got insulted in the end.

  307. Tamana

    Hi Thea,

    How are you doing? I am trying to be fine 🙂
    Mine isn’t a typical break-up story. It’s more of what happened post that and now I feel lost and hurt all over again. So I was in a serious relationship for 2 years and we broke up almost 2 years back. Took me a long time to get over him as the reason for break up was religious differences and not because we stopped loving each other. He is happily married now.
    Post our break-up, after few months of depression and sadness, I started making new friends and hanging out with new set of people (mainly colleagues). In the process to get over I became very close to a colleague. We ended up making out all the time and sharing stuff. We never committed to each other nor we did any expectation setting. Maybe that was my mistake, I knew his life goals are way different than mine. He still have to complete his post grad and wants to settle in the US whereas I am happy here in my country. During all this I had to travel to US and Europe for a month. When I came back, his behavior had changed and so had mine, I already knew he didn’t want any serious relationship with me, inspite of that I had developed a soft corner for him, so I acted immaturely and stopped talking to him (well not entirely but reduced the conversations to a great extent), he tried talking to me a couple of times but I didn’t really say anything. After a while I realized my mistake and tried talking to him again, he told me flatly that it was “me” who decided to stop talking and that we anyway have nothing in common, we have been apart for too long now and the way things are is very organic, the distance came in very organically and now he doesn’t want us hanging out (alone, he’s okay with group hangouts) anymore. Meanwhile he has also started liking someone else, who is dating someone else (she’s another colleague and a good friend). but I see him pining for her and it makes me feel horrible inside and so jealous. The thing that bugs me is that he wishes to have a relationship with her but with me he never wanted that. Infact he really pursued me for some time (I said no 2-3 times) before I sort of said okay. I feel used and miss him a lot. I tried to make up for the mistakes by apologizing multiple times, trying to talk to him but everything has failed and now I don’t know what to do. He told me that he has stopped thinking about all this now as he is extremely focussed on getting a promotion and switching jobs and that if I want I can still go to him and discuss any problems I am facing.
    I am trying to act normal especially since we are office colleagues. I feel confused and worse than how I felt after the break up because I end up seeing him everyday. It just bugs me that he has moved on pretty quickly and I am feeling rejected and dejected. I know I made mistakes by acting immaturely but I don’t know what to do!!

  308. Thea

    I don’t know hon…It sounds like your mind is creating a story about this colleague and that you’re not really into him anyway.

    He was likely a rebound guy, a distraction, he was fun, and you’re just missing having someone to play with now,…but I suspect it’s not really HIM you’re missing.

    More the idea of him.

    If you had someone else you fancied, you’d probably not give this guy that much thought.

    > inspite of that I had developed a soft corner for him,

    I’ve not heard that phrase – I like it. We would say we developed “a soft spot” for someone…Cute!

    Really the bottom line is, it is not about this guy. It’s also not about you.

    You are attached to him and maybe a bit addicted to having that connection with someone, but going in, you knew he wasn’t really the right one for you, and I suspect that’s not really changed…

    Only your mind is creating stories around him, the other friend and the ego is saying “why her and not me?”

    Really there’s a danger in those “no strings” just for fun types of relationships – because we do attach, especially women as it’s how we are hard wired. But men can attach too. We get used to having someone there (even if it’s not the right someone) to talk to, make out with, sleep with, rely on, vent to etc.

    Choose to shift your thoughts to “I had fun with him” and away from “I feel used”!

    You got just as much out of it has he did you know? You went in consenting and playing and having fun. It was mutually beneficial. No one was “using” anyone or rather you were probably both using each other.

    Choose also not to feel “rejected and dejected”…

    It’s all a bit of fun. He’s not the one for you I don’t think…and if he is, things will cycle back around to you.

    You have apologised for behaving human (not immature). You said your peace. Now forgive yourself and move on.

    We ALL act immaturely or badly at times. That’s part of the human condition. No need to live with regrets simply vow to behave better next time someone pushes your buttons like that. (It really is down to our Egos and our Minds creating these stories).

    I say make the extra effort to doll yourself up. Slap a smile on your face and start to act as though you’re moving on and having fun. You won’t feel like it initially but you will start to soon enough, ok?

    >> I feel confused and worse than how I felt after the break up because I end up seeing him everyday.

    You feel doubly worse not only because you work with him and have to see him but because some of this hurt is triggering past hurt with your ex and maybe other past hurts stemming as far back as childhood. Each perceived slight does bring up old wounds. So take some time privately to heal, to process, to write feelings out…

    In the mean time, hold your head up high and realise that you are whole complete and perfect just as you are. You’re human and therefor flawed – like the rest of us.

    You’re gonna bounce back to someone and something better in time…but just do some of the self esteem work now.

    You will get through this. If you don’t feel positive and strong, act as if you do!

    Keep me posted x

  309. Tamana

    Hi Thea,

    You are so correct. It’s just the ego that’s hurting, I am nursing a hurt ego. Its not easy, sort of depressing especially when I get a feeling that they are dating now, makes me extremely jealous. I try to be as uninvolved with him as possible but it’s a little difficult as we work in the same team (no wonder they say office romance is not such a great idea :P). At times it becomes so unbearable that I end up leaving early for home and work from home.
    Mornings are so difficult as all the thoughts come back to haunt me. I literally have a screaming match with my brain to get out of bed and go for work.
    Also, he comes and tries to talk to me in front of everyone so I try to be as polite as possible but I just don’t want to talk to him. Yet I want to know what’s happening in his life. What do I do to distract myself and how to behave in front of him? I don’t think he even knows about how I feel right now. My work life isn’t going too great either, I was supposed to get promoted but that is no longer happening so another reason for the work related depression. I am trying to switch my job but it will take some time, till then what do I do?

    Thanks for your support Thea.

  310. Thea

    Oooft, yes I know how hard it is to stop seeing someone and yet have to be in touch – due to work – or kids or whatever. That just seems to amplify the pain, I know. Is there any hope of you being able to transfer to another team or department so you don’t have to see him/them? I know you’re struggling but you’re strong and you can do this. Just “act as if” you’re over it until you sort of “fake it til you make it”. Limit your time as you’re doing, until you heal a bit and move on. Tell you ego to shut up and that this is for the highest good of all concerned (keep repeating that until it’s true) 🙂 Try to do some meditating on what would give you joy in the work department and maybe plant some seeds to make that happen. An anchor to focus on. Something to work toward! You can do this! I know you can! xo

  311. R.J.

    I just discovered this site years after a break up; I wish I had it during my painful break up with my ex-fiancé. No contact after a break up is a must. DO NOT make those late night drunk dials begging for them back. Also, keep in mind the positives of the break up: for me, I ended up going into A.A. and getting sober.

    A mental health pro may not agree with this one, because it is somewhat cruel, but it does help me: focus on the negatives of your ex, even if they are superficial and mean. Did they have weird feet? A strange nose? Snore too much? We tend to deify the people we lose, and keeping in mind that they (and everybody else) are flawed creatures can help us stop obsessing about them.

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