THEA: Sunday Herald Piece on Internet Dating

SYBD in Sunday Herald

Last week, I was approached to comment on the subject of Internet Dating for a piece in Scotland’s Sunday Herald.

I was delighted to be included on the piece by Judith Duffy found here.

As I’d made a lot of notes that didn’t make the paper – I thought I’d post them here. (Well “waste not want not” and all that jazz…)

The first question Judith asked was about how it’s changed in the last ten or so years, and if it’s easier to meet new people, or are relationships these days become more ‘disposable’?

It’s so funny because that’s the exact word I would use, I mean do use…Disposable. But really I think it’s both easier to meet people now, and also by the same token, it makes relationships more “disposable”.

It’s far easier for people just to ditch what they have and head off to “greener pastures” or at least that is what it seems like. The reality of that is something altogether different…

It’s definitely made it easier to meet people, but what it hasn’t done is make people more compatible as a result. In other words, it can broaden your circle of possibilities online, of course it does, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to actually connect (and share chemistry) as well in real life than you do already.

In that respect, for me personally, I’d rather meet someone face-to-face first, and then they already know what I look like, sound like, seem like and I know the same about them. It saves that all-too-common awkwardness and potential disappointment (on either side) when  the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy after you meet up for the first time.

Stigma Still?

There is definitely less of a stigma now than there was a decade or so ago, I believe. It is considered more commonplace as we’re all “plugged in” all the time. Where once people would make an alternative story to how they met, now more and more people seem to admit it was through online dating. I guess, though for some people, there is still a stigma -that says – the Internet Dating sites are filled with people who can’t get dates in real life and thus have to try to get them online.

Dating Site - Screen Grab, Scotsman

Online Dating

As for me…

Yeah OK, I’ve tried the whole online thing (off and on) over the last dozen or so years – to varying degrees of success. I’ve had some really hideous experiences, and I’ve made some truly valuable connections through it too. Ultimately what has happened is that I’ve ended up making lots of good friends through internet dating, but had no lasting results in terms of romantic relationships.

I’ve connected with many guys, enjoyed meeting them, but then, more often than not, we’ve lacked that vital chemistry (and that was felt mutually!)

Almost all my single friends have had a go at online dating at one point or another too. That said, I can probably count on one hand my good friends that had a positive result through a dating site. Right now, only one, close friend seems to have met a wonderful man that way. It’s only been less than two years for them, but it looks like one that will go the distance, only time can tell…

Finally, I was asked if I thought it was “a good way to meet potential partners”…

This is a great question. It’s sort of a “yes and no” answer for me, personally, though. I can’t speak for anyone else, only myself. I DO think it can be useful, but really I would recommend that people use it in conjunction with a variety of other ways, and not have it be the only way to meet new people.

I’d suggest people join clubs or participate in groups or activities, and concentrate on developing a full life worth sharing – instead of relying solely on dating sites to miraculously “complete” them.

In other words, take the focus (and desperation) off meeting Mr or Mrs Right by participating in activities, clubs, and social situations and by being the kind of person that is worthy of sharing a life with.

Many of the people I came across, (in both my personal and professional life here on SYBD), who use dating sites to meet  new people, often use them as a desperate distraction from a past relationship.

They (often erroneously) believe the best way to get over a man or a woman is to get under another one!

Most people, from what I’ve personally witnessed, jump back in the dating pool too soon in order to avoid the pain and they’re often a mess when trying to find someone new and that seldom (if ever) works.

Actually doing it can often result in them getting more hurt or hurting some unsuspecting new person!

In my own circle…

When I do a scan of my friends and how they’ve met partners – some met through Facebook, some on sites like Meetup.com, and more often than not, the more traditional results – work, the gym, at weddings, parties, through friends and on night outs. One or two met back in school! So really there is not, to my knowledge, a right way or a best way to meet new people. The best thing is to try a multitude of ways to find one that suits you.

Thea’s Top Tips:

Meet soon!

If you go weeks or months before meeting, there is a very real likelihood your expectations will build up. This can (and often does) result in disappointment. Because of the way our minds work, it’s really hard to not create a mental story about the person and what they will be like…so the sooner you can meet, by and large, the less time you’ll have to build expectations which leads me on to…

Prepare for the worst (and hope for the best)

Keep those expectations low by assuming it’s just a chance to get out and meet someone new. Don’t expect it to be the most wonderful date of your life, love at first site, or anything of the sort.

In my experience (again personally and professionally) it’s a numbers game. Clicking online doesn’t automatically mean you’ll click off it. You can find them attractive in pictures, email/text loads, talk on the phone for hours, get on like a house on fire and then meet and feel no attraction what-so-ever. That’s a real bummer.

Be honest with yourself

Are you really ready for a relationship? Are you not still hung up on your ex and likely to make constant references to anyone in your past while in your first date? Dating too soon after a split is one of the most common occurrences that I’ve seen on SYBD for the last twelve years. People trying to convince themselves (and me) that they’re ready to move on after a big split – only to realise a date or two in with Mr or Miss New that they’re not actually there yet.

I know, I’ve done it myself…and again, you run the risk of getting hurt or hurting someone else.

Avoid the Ex Factor

Resist all temptation to talk about your ex at the first date. There is nothing more tedious than hearing all about the ex (either how wonderful or how awful!) Save that until you know each other better and instead ask good open-ended questions.

Put your Money Where Your Mouth Is

I guess if you’re really serious about online dating to find a relationship (adverse to casual hook ups) – then opt to go for the paid sites. You’re more likely to meet a like-minded person on the Match Affinities or E-harmonies of the world – which actually make you not only pay but spend ages filling in their application process. If someone’s going to the trouble to over come both those hurdles, they’re more likely to be serious about finding love.

The one person I mentioned earlier who had success online dating was on Match Affinity for just one weekend, fell in love, left Scotland and moved to England to be with her fabulous man.

Sadly though, she really is the exception to the rule. Like anything online dating works for some and not others. It’s pretty easy to find evidence to support it, and we can also find as many cases where it didn’t work.

When it comes to dating – to each their own. If you want to give it a bash, then give it a bash. I suspect those who do it, keep positive and believe it will work – will experience success and those who don’t, won’t.

Do you have a story to tell about Online Dating? Was it a success or a failure for you? Or neither?

****
If you fancy it…. Try Match.com – One Week Free – then let us know how you get on! :)

OLD THREAD: ‘An Open Letter to My Ex’

Glasgow Sky, Valentine's night 2012, by Thea NewcombThis was posted (by a guy!) on the forum many years ago. I’ve edited it down a wee bit (made a few tiny alterations), but it is effectively a the guy’s real thread, written some months after his break up.

As I came across it this morning, I felt it resonate a little and hope it will for you too. Read on.

Something I wrote that I know I won’t send, so here it is for all eyes,…

Wed 1 June

Every ounce of pride in me is screaming out for me to not write this letter – but since we’re not seeing each other much these days it seems only right that I get my voice out there some other way; and since a phone call seems cold and will be forgotten, I opted for the old-fashioned way.

I probably shouldn’t tell you how much I miss you. I want to prove it to you but I’m not getting the chance, and if try to pull you towards me I will inevitably only push you away. Time goes by and still all I can think about is how I had you, once, and how I wish I could go back and make different choices. Now that I’ve spent six months, thousands of miles away, I can honestly say it wasn’t worth it. Not if the price I paid was to lose you.

Any time I’m around the city, I see guys and girls, making out, or walking along hand in hand – happy – and I always think to myself how we were even better than that together. Let me tell you now – it was a crushing day when I realised just how good we were, and just what I’d left behind.

And I know it hurt you that I left, and if I was cold about it, then it was only because, at the time, I didn’t want you to wait for me. I didn’t think it could work, I got scared – as usual – and thought that I would grow out of ‘us’. That attitude soon changed, but I guess I was too proud – or too far away – to tell you I wanted you back.

Nothing burns me more than your recent words – that if I had called you whilst away, and asked for us to be together – even from that distance, it might have saved us. Because honestly, there were times when I was choking down the line, heartbeats from asking. But I couldn’t – I didn’t know what you’d say and thought it might end us altogether. I was holding on to this silly notion of coming home and having you waiting for me.

But you stopped waiting, didn’t you? Sometime around March …you did so well, you got so far. Holding on for four or maybe five months. Why did you stop loving me? I don’t need to know, but it might help.

Here’s what I do know (or at least what you’ve told me): You kept yourself for me until you met a new guy. And that was just a kiss. You told me you missed me. Valentine’s Day you texted kisses, and I saved that message. You told me that the six months was hell and you felt every day of it. It kills me that you’re so confused, and not just because I want answers – but also because I know that you know this is killing me, and I know that hurts you…though you would never admit it.

I know you; but you would never admit that either. You let me in, and you never do that for anyone. Why won’t you let me in now?

If I ever give up fighting for you, curse me. But as of now I am not going anywhere. And if only you’d ask me to, I would never turn my back on you again.

****
As I say, that was written by a gentleman a few years after launching the site, (e.g. many years ago). I wonder what happened to that guy and that girl? Did they find their way back to each other? Are they now moved on with new people? Are they single and still missing each other now and again?

Arguably the downside of running SYBD (or one of them, at least) is not hearing how the stories worked out in the end.  If I were a betting gal, I’d guess they’ve both moved on to other people by now, and probably only have the odd pang when a memory about the other arises.

One thing I do know is that she’s a lucky girl to have been so loved by someone who was able to pour out his soul like that to her (and even if she never actually saw it…)

Sometimes we’re more loved than we ever realise.

THEA: On Solo Valentine’s Days

Got Love?
Got Love?

Hey everyone! As we’re now well into February, that can mean one, very stressful thing to singletons the world over – that St Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. [Tomorrow, in fact].

Valentine’s Day can be hard for any single person at any time, but it can be especially-hard for those who are newly-single.

Right up there with New Year’s Eve, V-Day seems to be a time that highlights our distinct lack of a significant other more than any other, doesn’t it?

Even if you scoff it off as a manufactured, “Hallmark Holiday” – it doesn’t make you immune to the fact that the “Rose Parade” is going on all around you for weeks on end.

So what can you do about it? Once again, I thought I’d come up with some thoughts of how to handle Valentine’s Day as a singleton (something I’ve acquired a fair bit of experience over the last dozen, or so, years). Some of them pretty traditional suggestions, some a bit random. Read on…

“Ooof, That Day’s Here Again“,…

Off and on, I have to admit, that I’ve had a love-hate sort of relationship with the ole V-day. Sure it can be a fun excuse to get each other cards and chocolates, go for a meal, and then home to have amazingly-hot sex. Yay!

But when you’re alone, the torture can make one feel that options are much more limited for singles. A few years ago, when dreading the pending date, I actually flew off to Spain to avoid the pain!

You don’t need to do anything that extreme (though I have to say, I did enjoy Spain, even though alone!) – you can, in fact, make other more simple choices such as the ones that follow.

Go to the Movies

Head to the cinema to see something you fancy – either alone or with your friends. It doesn’t really matter really. Sure, there is a sense of “safety in numbers” at times like these, but once you’re in and the lights dim, it doesn’t matter all that much who’s with you. (I suspect that will be me this year, hitting the movies alone, but we’ll see…I’m open to all possibilities…)

Or opt to watch your favorite film or TV show at home on DVD or streaming. Romantic subject matters are totally optional here. For some people, it gives them hope and for others it simply would depress them. I tend to choose a favorite film that makes me happy!

Whatever suits you, do it. [Incidentally my dear friend Heather just treated herself to a boxset of 'Deep Space Nine' so that'll probably be how she spends her Tuesday night! She loves watching it - so why not?]

Hit the Gym

Well if you’re anything like me it’s a challenge to get motivated to head to the gym at the best of times, but at least if you did it on Valentine’s night, you’re not likely to see lots of couples being lovey-dovey are you!

And once you do a good work out, you’ll have endorphins swimming inside of you and you’ll feel good because of them, and also because you did something healthy. A definite win/win on going to the gym,…(so if I don’t go see a movie, I might just hit the gym!)

Have a Night out or In With Friends

You’re bound to have at least one other friend who’ll be at a loose end on Valentine’s Day – either because they’re single or their partner is away/working/etc. Get together and have a laugh, yourselves. Swapping chocolates or flowers is optional here. It might be kinda fun. Although it’s meant to be a day of romantic love, there’s nothing to stop it from being a day where you simply appreciate the friends you love!

Treat Yourself to Something Nice

In the absence of someone else to do it for you, why not buy yourself something you’ve been wanting? It could be that latest gadget, CD, film, piece of jewelry, book, luscious bedding, or maybe a pampering session. What is it you’d like to buy?

Love Me - Valentine's Day Heart by Thea Newcomb
Love Thyself!

After my marriage ended, I went out and bought myself a gold ring with pretty rubies in it. I’d never had a proper wedding ring, so I bought myself one! Well, a divorce one really, I guess! To this day, I love that ring!

A quick search of the web revealed this rings for singletons – [on sale right now, no less, hooray!]

You could take some old jewelry from an ex that you don’t wear any more, and have it re-shaped or re-claimed into something new just for you!

Or if you don’t want the jewelry that was given to you or that you have – why not visit this site and offload it? Then you can take the money and buy yourself something you do want…Or take a wee holiday with the proceeds!

Read a Good Book

For you readers out there, you’ll know the beauty of completely losing yourself in a book. I finished a book at the weekend, and felt a great sense of achievement! (It only took me three months to read it too! To be fair I tend to read several books concurrently.)

Anyway you can choose escapism, biography or self improvement. I am currently sinking my teeth (or indeed brain) into Re-Wire Your Brain – Creating Vibrant Relationships Using the Science of Mindfulness by Marsha Lucas, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist and neuropsychologist. I’ll admit sometimes it’s a bit brain-frying trying to understand it, but as it’s so thought-provoking, it’s definitely worth the concentration on. I’ll definitely be reading some of it tonight, tomorrow night and the next night!

Work Late

You could choose to work hard on Valentine’s night and get caught up on things from your ‘To Do’ list. Depending on the type of work you do, it should mean avoiding all those “happy couples” out there (of course this probably doesn’t apply for florists or restaurant people!) You’ll also feel great for spending the evening being productive.

Get Cleaning!

Well, OK, a bit of an odd suggestion I know, but I’m trying to come up with some random things that won’t be on anyone else’s Valentine’s list. Don’t we all have something we’ve been meaning to tidy up – a bathroom, a closet, the kitchen, the garage etc? I know I have many home projects I’ve been meaning to get to and, well, hey there’s no time like the present! Personally I always feel better then things are clean, tidied, and ordered. You might too! It’s quite cathartic, honest.

If none of those suit, then you could just slide under the covers and sleep the day and night away? The choice is yours.

In Conclusion,…

Well, I guess that about sums up my list of things to do if you’re flying solo this Valentine’s Day. I actually have no plans as I write these words, but any of the above (or a few of them!) are likely to be my choices for the night.

Here are a few links to articles I came across this week in research. Both were found on our the SYBD Facebook page  but in case you missed them they’re worth posting here 1)  “Enough with the hearts and flowers already“  and another one on why we 2) Should Spend Valentine’s Day Alone :)

What are you doing? Any advice to the singletons of the world this week?

LEGAL: Rights After a Co-Habitation Split

who gets the house or its contents after a break up?

Co-Habitation: Your Rights?

This week we’re turning our blog over to a local, law firm, rather appropriately called Clarity.

This week’s topic is for those of you out there who lived together, unmarried, and then spit up (I know I’ve been there,…).

There has been an interesting change in the law since my split that you may not be aware of.

Emma King from Clarity Law will provide you with a more, well,  ahem, clarity on co-hab rights…

One of the most common things said when they come to see me following the breakdown of a relationship where they are not married is “but we were common law husband and wife”.

Unfortunately, in Scotland, living as husband and wife does not extend the same right to property and finances at the end of the relationship as a married couple would have. Therefore, it’s important to know what you are and aren’t entitled to.

When you separate, legally, the starting point is pretty stark – what’s theirs is theirs, what’s yours is yours, and what’s in your joint names is divided 50/50.

There is no ongoing obligation to pay money towards one another as adults, though there may be separate arrangements if children are involved.

This means that if the house or bank account is in your name then you’re in luck, but if not, alarm bells may start to ring.

The same applies to debt as well as to anything of value, so if there are credit cards or bank overdrafts in one person’s name, then they bear the responsibility for it.

However, it’s not all doom and gloom…

The government recognised that this does not always result in a very fair arrangement, and so introduced a new type of claim which can be made by a former cohabitant against the other at the end of the relationship.

Since 2006, a claim can be made by one former cohabitant against the other following the breakdown of the relationship – if they are able to show that they have been financially disadvantaged directly as a result of the relationship, and the other person has been financially-advantaged in consequence.

The courts do interpret this pretty narrowly, but it does give some recourse for the most extreme of circumstances.

The most important thing for these types of claims is that they have to be in court within twelve months of stopping living together. Any later than that, and it’s too late.

Because things are so specialised, I would always recommend taking expert legal advice, at the earliest opportunity, in order to make sure you get what you are entitled to and that you aren’t left out in the cold.

*********

Because SYBD is a truly global site, it would be helpful to have some responses and comments about the rights of people who were co-habiting and split up, from legal professionals around the world. How is the law different where you are?  What advice can you give?

In any event here  at SYBD, to echo one of Emma’s comments, one of our first tips for the newly split is to seek legal advice to know what you are and are not entitled to. Also as Emma says, do that earlier than later. Here in Scotland you window is up to one year but it’d make sense to so in the first few weeks or months because in my experience legal battles can drag out for a long time thus prolonging your healing process…

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* Please note this advice applies to Scotland only. There are separate provisions elsewhere within the UK*
ARTICLE: Emma King, Associate, Clarity Law (Scotland) Ltd. You can follow clarity on Twitter.

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THEA: “When You’re Single You Can Sleep In the Star Position”

heart on car, SFSo I was driving to the office this morning when on the CD player came the Marcellus Hall song “Star Position“.  The song is so cheery it makes me smile every time I hear it. It’s a pop song of anthemic-proportions that celebrates the freedom of the single life.

It got me thinking about all the great things that the single life has to offer. The trouble is that the newly-single (or even not-so-newly single) people, often just can’t see it…

Understandably, some people are too busy feeling bummed that their love has gone, constantly worrying about what they think they may have done/said wrong, or are indeed fixating on what is lacking in their life...namely a relationship. [ED NOTE: Don't worry guys, most of the people I've seen on this site in the last dozen years, often in spite of themselves, did actually move on to new, often much better, relationships!]

Those people who are unhappy with their single life remind me of the quote about staring at a door and missing the fact the window’s open. You know the one I mean? They miss the beauty in solo life because they’re desperately trying to get back another relationship, instead of learning to embrace all that the single life has to offer.

Yes, I know, it can be challenging to embrace singledom. I mean we all know people who seem really good at it, and some who just seem so bad it.

I fall into the former category, thankfully. I actually like being single (well, most of the time anyway). Do I get lonely? Yes. Do I sometimes wish there were someone to be my +1 on guest lists, or someone to share lazy Sunday mornings in bed? Of course. Do I sit around and dwell on it? Seldom…

Years ago, I penned a blog on being positively single. I guess this is a follow-on from that.

Today I decided to focus on the upside of it and make a note of them as they arose in my mind or my life…When you’re single you can…not just sleep in the star position but…

1) …paint or decorate your space, or place, to your own liking. I, myself, just remodeled my bathroom this past week (well my plumber James did, but you know what I mean!), and it’s all down to my tastes, and I put in exactly what I wanted and it’s the most blissful haven I’ve ever had as a result. It’s reminds me of a spa now! Classy!

2) …have a flirtation with that hot guy or girl at work (the gym, school, wherever,…) without having to feel guilty that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be! Heck, it doesn’t need to stop there of course, because you can do whatever and whoever you want when you’re single (preferably with other single folks, of course!)

3) …watch your favorite sports, soaps, films, or in my case inane High School dramas like ‘One Tree Hill’ (hey the music’s good on it) – without any ridicule, disturbances, guilty or annoying comments.

4) go anywhere you want…on any given hour, day, week or longer you can head out to wherever you choose. There is real freedom in that. Take advantage of it if you’re single, think about where you’ve always wanted to go, and start planning it. [I'm currently planning Australia 2013!]

wee seymour the pug

Get a Pug, Puglovers!

5)…indulge in your favorite past-time, read a book in peace, blast your music, spend your money on whatever YOU want, fill your fridge with your favorite food & drink, work as long as you like, stay up late or get up early, hang out with your friends as long as you want, spend hours in the gym or shopping, get the kind of animal you always wanted…

The list goes on…but really my list is not so important…Yours is.

What little things can you find that make you happy about the single life? Share yours in the comments below!

It goes without saying that there are pros and cons to everything. We can find evidence to support any hypothesis if we really want to, but the main intention behind writing today’s blog was to say, you may be single now, make the most of it while you are because one day, possibly in the not-too-distant-future, you’ll be in another relationship and you’ll probably miss things about being single.

My only real suggestion here is to make the most of it and not treat singledom as a “stop gap” between relationships. Be (or become) the kind of person someone would want to be around. Fill your life with fun, exciting projects, people, travel, work, interests etc – and aim to be the kind of person who has a life to SHARE with others rather than look for someone else to “complete it”.

THEA: “Look for the Good & Praise it”

Facebook Like Tea Mug, Present from Boss @nsdesign

A Xmas Surprise from the Boss!

When I was young, my mother had a hair salon in the top floor of our home. On the mirror in it, was a bumper sticker stating, “look for the good and praise it”.

It wasn’t until a few decades later, after being unceremoniously dumped by the so-called love of my life, that that phrase came back to mind and I began to understand and even embrace it. It’s a mantra for me.

When you’re feeling low, for whatever reason, whether it’s being single, being jobless, being overweight, losing a loved one, or simply because it’s January – it’s hard to see the good. I know, but I believe that in every seemingly “bad” situation, the seed of good is lurking. Always. It may be well hidden, it make take a while to see it, but it’s surely there.

As a result of that particular break up more than a decade ago now, I’ve become a more positive person. I can honestly now find the positives in just about any so-called negative. It’s become second nature to look for them almost immediately now too.

So when someone cancels last minute on me, after a moment of anger or disappointment, I immediately switch my focus to something positive that come out of the cancellation.

Great, I say to myself, I can read that chapter I wanted to read. I can hit the gym. I can call someone else to meet up with or simply chat to. Whatever.

So if you’re currently struggling, for any reason, pause, shift your focus to what possible good could be lurking underneath it all. All too often we fixate on “how bad” everything is – completely oblivious to the good that is actually present.

I got news for you sometime (more often than not) being left by the person we loved can be the absolute best thing that ever happened to us but of course it doesn’t feel like it at the time. I know.

@29Glasgow - Hot Choc and Pastries

Treat Yourself to Something Good

CALENDAR OF GREATS!

 Yesterday I bought a new Scotland calendar with big boxes. My intention is to write down any and all great things that happen in the day on it.

On my calendar of greatness, it could be someone paid me a compliment, or sent me a card, or that I met someone interesting (either personal or professionally speaking!)

It could be that I finally managed to get my butt down to the gym (I just did today and would you believe that it was shut? But the good that came out of that is that the inspiration to write this blog arose. Plus I decided to make soup in my underused slow cooker!) So really it could be anything.

So humor me a little will you? Try it for a week. Write down once a day something great that happened to you. It could be something as simple as “I didn’t cry”. Or “I didn’t drink alcohol”. It might be that someone paid you a compliment, sent you a card, or called you up just to see how you were.It could be you went to see a great film, band or play.

What you’ll likely find is the more you look for the “good” the more you’ll find it. Remember big or small, find them.

TODAY’S GREAT STUFF

Even though it’s only noon, mine will be:

1) Wrote this blog (it takes a lot of effort for me to sit and write them these days)
2) Sold an iPad1 on eBay (it’s ending tonight, but has several bids and like 40 watchers!)
3) Went to the gym (even if it wasn’t open!)
4) Discovered a new, inspiring TV show “The Mentor” on Bloomberg.
5) Made carrot soup in my slow cooker

These things may not seem “good” to you – but it doesn’t really matter. Perspective is a mirror not a fact. What’s good is subjective. It only matters that YOU think it’s good!

Feel free to post on the comments below any good things that happen to you today! I’d  really love to hear them. Thanks for reading.

Remember “Look for the good and praise it”. I leave you with a poem from William Arthur Ward by that same title.

In everything the good is there; our goal is to find it.

In every person the best is there; our job is to recognize it.

In every situation the positive is there; our
opportunity is to see it.

In every problem the answer is there; our responsibility is to provide it.

In every setback the victory is there; our task is to claim it.

In every adversity the blessing is there; our
adventure is to discover it.

In every crisis the reason is there; our challenge is to  understand it.

Be different, be original, be unique …

Look for the good and praise it!

SYBD: New Year, New Opportunities

Christmas in the Botanics, Glasgow

Here Comes Winter

Well it’s the last day of 2011 (Roll on 2012). It’s a time when many of us evaluate our previous year and look at what changes we aim to make in the coming year.

Sometimes we evaluate our relationships and realise we need to walk away.

Sometimes we need to come to terms with someone else’s choice to walk away from us.

Regardless of whoever you are and what your situation is, there’s likely to be one or two things you’d like to change about your life. Relationship status, working life, home projects, creative pursuits – all possible areas you may be thinking of at this moment – or could be thinking of as the case may be.

Whenever I have been down (heartbroken) due to a break up, goal setting was ALWAYS one of my allies. With goal setting it’s, in a sense, a chance for me to take some of my proverbial power back.

Maybe like you, I might not have had any say in the matter when one of my exes left, but I did have control over what I did next. There’s only so long you can sit around and mope, cry, feel angry, bitter, heartbroken, frustrated, confused, etc.

Eventually you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get marching down the road to recovery. You have to be open to all possibilities. When you’re feeling sad and staring at your past mourning what could have been, it’s possible to get so hung up looking backwards you miss out on the opportunities being presented to you. It’s hard to imagine, when you’re in the thick of it, that things are going according to some sort of plan. Well, in my experience anyway.

So why not take this weekend and sit down and write out some aims you have for 2012?

Incidentally, a few of mine are:

1. Listen More
2. Judge Less
3. Travel Often
4. Help Others
5. Buy Less
6. Eat Healthier
7. Exercise Frequently
8. Thank Others
9. Laugh Lots
10. Love Again

Like I say, there just ten of what’s starting to be a very long list that I’ve been working on since 6:30 AM this morning (damn jetlag).

Also on my list are things like Be Happy, Let Go, Forgive Friends, Live With Integrity and so forth…I guess we all just need to be open to all possibilities.

What are some of your 2012 aims then?

Finally, I just want to wish all of you who visit SYBD an even better 2012 – whatever sort of year you had – may 2012 be even better in every way for you. For all of us. Thank you for being there.

Love, Thea x

SYBD: Happy Holidays! Heartbroken? Have FUN!

Cannes Kiss, pic Cannes Train Station by Thea Newcomb
Cannes Kiss

Well as it’s December 24, for many of us (but not all of course), it’s the officially “the holidays”. It’s that time that single people tend to either really look forward to or they dread, very rarely it seems to be in between. For someone going through a break up or a divorce, as you might imagine, there tend to be more in the dread category, which is understandable.

For one reason, it can mean needing to put on that “brave face” to show family, friends and colleagues that we’re fine. For those with kids, it can be most-challenging. Because, while you may want to be there for your kids, there may also be a part of you that wishes you could climb under the covers – only to wake up on Jan 3 when all the hoopla is over.

Sadly, that’s not likely to happen – nor should it. Kids, no kids, single, or attached – take time to be PRESENT. That means not endlessly playing those mental movies of past conversations, past celebrations, past anything.

By the same token thought, it also means not wishing the holiday away either – focusing on some sight on down the road. If and when you find yourself (mentally) in your past or your future, take a moment and focus on your breathing. Slowly inhale through your nose and out through your mouth.

HAVE FUN

The last thing someone grieving tends to think to do is go out and have some fun. In fact, most of us seem to have lost the knack of having fun. Sitting on a long trans-Atlantic flight recently, I was reading a Psychologies magazine article about having fun. As I stared out the window at the clouds below, I wondered when the last time I had some pure unadulterated fun. I can’t remember.

Hey Batter, Thea @ Fontinettis Batting Cages

Hey Batter!

Now I am not being saucy here – when I talk of “fun”, or talking about going out on the town and getting drunk or something. What I mean is something like riding a roller coaster screaming your lungs out, rolling down a hill sideways giggling all the way down like you did when you were a kid, or zipping down a hill on a sled if you’re in a snowy area…Or maybe bumper cars, go karts, or even hitting baseballs at batting cages or golf balls at a driving range (those last two can be quite cathartic). Just something that takes you out of your rut, but preferably something that makes you have a few laughs. Laughter it is said is good medicine but laughs can seem hard to come by when you’re healing from a heartbreak. I know…

One fun thing I like to do…is at my gym. Yes, really, it has an indoor pool with a long winding water slide in it. It’s a real hoot zipping along through the curves. You can’t help but have a smile plastered on your face the whole way down!

When was the last time you had some out-of-the-ordinary fun?

It really may be the furthest thing from your mind, if you’re heartbroken, but it could be just the thing you need to get you out of your over-active mind right now.

So please think about something you used to find fun that you’ve not done in a while and schedule it in, soon!

Glasgow's Christmas Lights 2011If you’re in an area that decorates for the holidays, go take a walk or drive to see the lights. Even if you’re not one who celebrates Christmas due to choice or religion, you may still find the sparkling lights easy on the eyes!

I know, first hand, how challenging the holidays can be for the newly-single (or even the not-so-newly single). My own marriage ended two months before Christmas, and another biggie heartbreak five month before the turn of the century (that one, 6000 miles from “home”, was a doozy to get through, let me tell you).

I survived and so will you. Well if you want to that is. The only way out of this is through it.

Holidays, from Thanksgiving through to Valentine’s Day, are my busiest times of the year. This is most likely the case because 1) they’re stressful which can make people “snap” and 2) they make people re-evaluate their lives. Relationships, unfortunately, are often the first change made (likely rather rashly, with alcohol involved!)

So if you’re new here, newly single, or simply struggling, you’ve in good company as it were. I am sorry you’re going through this, but 2012 is a New Year with all kinds of new opportunities you can’t even imagine just yet.

I can think of a few people who I talked to last year over the holidays who were single, and by this year they’re engaged (one is even expecting a baby at 42). By the way these are both guys, no less! [Note: the guy's not expecting the baby, his girlfriend is! That really would be a Christmas miracle eh?]

My point is Life Changes. We heal, survive and even thrive, in spite of ourselves sometimes. Just do whatever you can to make it through the holidays. Call on family, friends, colleagues, even this website – for support. Also, take yourself out of yourself by helping someone else. A neighbour, someone you know, a family member who is also struggling this time of year. Connecting with others, really connecting, can go a long way to making us feel better.

So for those who are celebrating holidays this month – Happy Holidays. For those who aren’t, Happy January, it’s just around the corner!

PS: Check out my old blog on Surviving a Solo Yuletide.

VIDEO: SYBD’s Real Stories – Chapter 4 is Live

Jen, So You've Been Dumped's Real Stories - Chapter 4

Meet Jen

Well great news…after several months of hard work, Animator Ron has completed animating our latest story – # 4 last night.

It was then uploaded with a hidden link that was pasted on our So You’ve Been Dumped Stories Facebook group. (Incidentally, that’s the place to be kept up to date with all our news as it’s breaking).

This morning, the video went “live” and the URL for it’s been spreading everywhere all day (e.g. Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn et al) a few dozen views on day one – that’s not too shabby…

This month’s “real story” is slightly longer at eight or so minutes. Frankly it could have been three times that, but let’s face it, attention spans in the Internet age aren’t what they used to be…

I hope you have ten minutes to have a cup of tea, coffee, a beer or whatever – and kick back and enjoy the video. It’s definitely a cracker.

SYBD: Notes on Surviving Your First Break-up – (Pt. 1)

SYBD george square photo by thea newcomb (blackberry 9700)

Surviving a 1st Split

Whether your fifteen, or even over fifty, your first break up can come along at any time, and be a completely devastating experience. Not just your “first”, but some of today’s blog will be a relevant reminder to anyone who’s going through a break-up, regardless.

The first one, in many ways, can be a “worst one” due to the fact that you don’t have any frame of reference which to gauge it with. So here are a few of my points to make on the subject of a first split.

TIME

First of all, yes, “time is a great healer”, and very true in most cases, but it’s not always a given. Some people, no matter how many months (or even years) pass, never really get “over it”.

I always sorta chuckle (or sometimes cringe) when people ask “how long does it take to get over a break up?” How long is a piece of string? Unfortunately, there is no cookie-cutter answer to this.

No, there is NO TRUTH to the myth of ANY of the “formulas” for recovery you may have ever heard.

No, it is not a case of your recovery time being in direct correlation to how long you were together. No, it’s not something you can multiply L (length of time together), then divide by 3 to work out how many months (or years) it will be to recover.

Actually those formulas make me a little mad because some people actually believe them.

I’ve had some short-term relationships that took much longer to get over than other long term ones. I’ve seen other family, friends and site members experience the same thing.

The truth is that there are many factors that come into play during a break up. Length of relationship, how the relationship was over all, how it ended, your own past experiences, and especially your own mindset.

In fact, I am inclined to state that last one may even be the key determining factor to how long it will take you to get over it, and how well you actually WILL get over it.

Basically it’s going to take as long as it does – and let no one tell you other wise. Putting any sort of “time scale” can actually be detrimental to your own recovery process, because you start to feel you should be further along than you are and so forth. Your healing time can’t be compared to anyone – not even your best mate who splits up at the same time as you! We’re all different and thus our healing times will be different.

There, unfortunately, are no shortcuts through the healing process. Drinking too much, consuming drugs, sleeping around, working every hour God sends, spending tons of money in retail therapy – all may help temporarily, but really it is like a band-aid on a bullet wound. It’s going to eventually stop working and simply fall off.

Sweeping pain under the proverbial rug to avoid the hurt won’t work in the long run. The pain is still there and will eventually cause you to trip on it. Often at the most inopportune time.

So generally speaking, it is better to take time to work through the healing process by facing it head on.

For everyone, I don’t care who you are, it will take time to recover from the loss. There is no way around that.

Not jumping into another relationship (that just distracts it), not throwing yourself full force into work in order to deal with it. Not self medicating. None of it. Really the best thing for you to do is strive for…

BALANCE

I am definitely a fan of keeping busy, setting and focusing on your own goals, and trying to occupy yourself in productive pursuits, to be sure.

But also you need to find time to process the emotional loss too. It’s a fine line to walk between being busy enough to not dwell and being too busy where you’re not dealing at all with the break up. Or between going out all the time or staying in all the time. The best course of action is somewhere in between.

HOLD ON

It’s going to be an emotional roller coaster for a while, so grab on to the sides and hold on for the ride.

There will be days you feel devastated and hopeless, and others where you will feel hopeful, lighter and possibly even relieved it’s over. Then you could experience anger or confusion. Heck on some days you may feel all of the emotions within minutes of each other! This is normal reaction to grieving the loss.

Hold on, realise you’re going to be up and down quite a lot until things start to level out a bit.

ENDINGS

“All good things must come to an end” and this is generally true of relationships. The fact is ALL relationships end, one way or another, at least eventually.

Sometimes it’s you who leaves, sometimes it’s them, sometimes one person dies. All relationships end. So don’t feel like you’re a failure in any way if your relationship has ended. It’s simply part of life. Life is a series of beginnings and endings until our final end.

SURVIVE

The fact is there is every reason to believe you will survive the pain you may currently be experiencing as a result of a break up. I’ve never seen one person, who had set their aim to be happy, healthy and over it – NOT succeed.

But it does take work to move past the heartbreak and to not only survive but to do on and THRIVE as a direct result.

While you may have had no say in the fact that your relationship ended, you have ever say in what you do with this experience. You are 100% in control over what steps you take to get over it, and any decisions you may make about your future, your life, your love, your relationships, your work…not your ex (or anyone else) – Y O U and let me just tell you right now,…

YOU’RE WONDERFUL

Just because someone has decided to end things doesn’t mean you’re somehow not worthy of love. Just because one person doesn’t want to be romantically linked to you anymore, doesn’t mean no one else ever will.

So let go of any worries of your not being good enough. You are good enough. There are literally billions of people on the planet – to say there is only one who could/would/should love you is an absolutely preposterous concept if you really think about it.

STOP WORRYING

Whenever we go through a break up, regardless of our age, or how long the relationship lasted, we can often find ourselves paralysed by self doubts.

We worry we won’t get over it. We worry we won’t meet anyone as good. We worry no one will find us sexy or that we won’t find anyone else sexy.

Really to bottom line of all our worries is usually that we are not good enough.

The fact is you are good enough and in time, hopefully, with a bit of effort on your part, you will go on to beat the worries.

Worrying is pointless. It certainly doesn’t speed up our healing process when we’re constantly playing those mental audio tapes over and over and over. So nip them in the bud, mentally (or out loud) repeat after me – “I am loving and lovable. I am worthy of love.” I know it sounds a little, naff, but it’s true you are. So am I. We all are.

Well this is a start. I could probably go on for days writing just about your first break up but I need to sleep at some point. If this is your first, please please please believe me when I say that I believe that “break ups happen for the highest good of all concerned at least eventually.”

You may find that hard to believe if you’re feeling sad, hurt, angry, alone, worries, devastated or whatever but we are resilient by nature and I’ve nearly a dozen years on here witnessing the healing process. Every single day someone like you has come here feeling like they will NEVER get over and I can honestly say those who are determined TO get over – ALWAYS DO. Now there have been some who don’t. Those the people who chose to remain angry, bitter, resentful and like a victim. Those people, as hard as I try, I can never help. I can only help those who chose to believe 1) they will get over it 2) they will love again 3) they are worthy and they simply make the effort to move on.

If you’re quite far down the road and STILL not over it, then it may be time to consider professional help because whatever you’ve been doing is not working.

Hang in there. I promise you it does get better. You’ll not only survive, you will thrive. Mark my words because they’re true.

Peace to you x