Writing a Letter to An Ex? Consider This…

Go Slow - Sign on RoadFor those of you who have been through a breakup, were you ever tempted to write a letter to an ex – to pour out your emotions? Many of us have been there. I know I have…

When we’re dumped, we can be left with a whole host of feelings and thoughts that remain unsaid, and all we crave is to just say it, all of it, once and for all. Been there? It’s only natural for us to consider writing a letter to an ex.

This is sort of a follow up/reiteration to a previous blog on the subject (5 Things to Consider before doing so. Note when I say “letter to an ex” – these days we probably mean email or some other digital version. I reckon only a few of you would take actual pen to paper for this but the same principles apply!

Letter to an Ex

The inspiration for this blog post came about because of a young gentleman, a few years out of a break up (of sorts) shared his story and the letter to his ex, just the other day…

“Oh boy!” – I thought to myself – as I read his intensely-heavy email to a woman he’s not even had contact with for more than a year!

While I respected his right to write, I suggested he might wish to change the stance, just a little bit…You see, I pride myself into putting myself into other people’s shoes. As such, I could just imagine how she might take such a heavy, intense, heart-wrenching email (not to mention after more than a year of silence…!)


While I don’t tend to be a believer in “mistakes” or having “regrets”, I thought I’d share some things I have learned from my writing my own letter to an ex (to be honest there have been countless letters) and from  more than a decade of dumpees sharing their own letter to an ex!

I will use “mistakes” in this instance, but only because I couldn’t think of a better way to write this piece. So if you’re considering writing a letter to an ex, then you might wish to consider some of these following points (or not – the choice is entirely yours), before you do!


First of all – our feelings do change over time – (in spite ourselves). As soon as it happens, in the early days and weeks, a lot of people want to beg them to reconsider, rant to them, threaten to hurt them (or themselves), guilt them, or a whole host of other emotional reactions.

My thought is – go ahead it and get all out of your head – onto the sheet or screen. Vent every single, solitary thing you want to say to your ex…but sit on it for a while.

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 13.13.09

Or if you need to say it then say it on a site like lettertomyex.com – instead. Just please don’t send it to your ex (yet). I’m telling you, that in my experience of more than a dozen years around here, things can change in a matter of weeks.

I have seen so many people regret acting impulsively when they felt like this. In some cases, it meant it cost them any sort of friendship or relationship later on, because it served to push the ex further away and reinforced the reason for the break-up to begin with!

I understand the impulse to pour your heart out, and say every last thing you’re feeling, I do, but the fact is, more often than not, how you feel in the early days/weeks/months – can and will likely change over time. With a bit of healing our perspective often alters dramatically.

Boy I remember (pretty vividly) writing the most raw, hand-written letter to the “so-called love of my life” just after he left me for his work colleague.

I was so hurt, betrayed, indignant, bitter and so forth. I poured every ounce of bitterness, bile, venom, anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, etc into that letter.

But months later, I thankfully hadn’t sent it. When I re-read it, I knew I didn’t really feel that same way as I had in the early days. A bit of healing toned down much of that rawness. Between you and me,…I still sent it, but at least I added a new page explaining I had felt that way “then”, but that I no longer saw it all the same way. I ended the letter with actual forgiveness and wishing him well (as I recall)….

He never responded (they seldom do) – but it didn’t matter because I sent it for me – not for any response from him. Why would he want to go back to address things or apologise for not loving me anymore and for loving someone else? I reckon he knew that he broke my heart, but at that point, it didn’t matter to him – he’d moved on!

That’s really so often the case. It really is.

Knowing what I know now – I’d probably just write it in a journal, and not bother sending that proverbial letter to my ex…But that’s just me!

MISTAKE # 2 – Blaming the Ex for Everything

Another common mistake is going through all of the ex’s perceived crimes. Reeling off things that were said and done – one by one – will simply put the ex on the defensive, and they won’t be able to actually hear what you’re trying to say.

A better tactic is to use the ole chestnuts “I feel” or “I felt” instead of you “you did” this, that and the other.

So instead of blaming your ex for any pain you’re currently feeling – try coming it from a place of “I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness”.

I believe on some level we are responsible for our relationships and our break ups. It’s never really ONE PERSON’S FAULT for a break up. Just as relationships take two – so do break ups. It’s not all your ex’s fault – nor is it all yours.

Yeah, I know many of you won’t like that statement, and will probably disagree. That’s totally your prerogative…I am just speaking from the perspective of the life and relationships I’ve learned over the last several decades…

I was able to investigate internally, and find in all my relationships and break ups, that I had contributed in some way. Maybe I’d been too much of a nag, been controlling, been too independent, or too needy, or just hard to be around sometimes.

Finding examples of my own short-comings or imperfections helped me to be more empathetic to my exes (even the one who cheated on me!) and to less likely to cast any blame.

Blame, to me is utterly pointless. You may not have had any say in the way things transpired (read: ended), but you are the one who has every say in what you choose to do with the experience now.

That’s an incredibly empowering shift.

MISTAKE # 3: Begging Your Ex

If you’re writing a note that is trying to cajole, convince, coerce your ex into being with you, I am telling you now it won’t work. It will only serve to make you look desperate, and frankly you shouldn’t want to be with anyone that you need to persuade to be with you. They should want to be with you, unquestioningly.

Begging anyone to be with you, reconcile with you, or stay with you is quite frankly demeaning. It is a way of external validation, and it puts your self worth in some else’s hands. That should never be the case.

If someone is really intent on leaving – let them go. Don’t try to write the perfect letter to “win” them back, because more often than not, even if you did, it would be short lived.

I’ve seen more success by the people who say “Ok, I love you, I will miss you but if you’re going – then go. I’ll miss you” — then those who say “Please don’t go. I’ll do anything. I love you. Please, we can make it work”.

Be honest, which would would you respect more? Which one is more attractive to you?

Begging is more likely just going to reinforce someone’s decision to walk away. The person who is always more appealing is the one who goes – “You’re leaving?…Ok, I won’t stop you” and then they start getting on with their life – and with the business of healing.


So go ahead and write it all out. Use the aforementioned Letter to My Ex site – or a journal – or what have you. Write it all out but just think twice about actually sending it to your ex.

Only send it if:

1) you truly have no expectation of a reply (and won’t be hurt if you don’t get one)

2) you’re not trying to “convince” them to meet up, get back together, love you etc.

3) you don’t have an expectation of miraculous “closure” by sending it (it doesn’t always work that way. In fact it seldom does…)

4) you can come across in a non-heavy, accusatory way. Start light and work up to the big dialogue!

5) as tough as it is to do – you actually forgive them. (I know, many of you will think “I’ll never forgive my ex Thea”. That’s your folly though…forgiveness is FREEDOM, for yourself, not for them.)

In all honesty, from what I’ve seen personally and professionally, the letter to the ex doesn’t tend to “make or break” things. I have had it re-unite me with one guy – but even that was short lived. [Often a break up has happened for a reason. Unless that reason has been addressed – it’s likely to happen again and again.]

If you do have some heavy dialogue to discuss – don’t let it be in your first letter or email to them. Consider sending a lighter, toe-in-the-water email first. Then perhaps you can arrange to meet up face to face to discuss some of these things in your letter.

Finally, one challenge with letters is that it’s there in black and white FOREVER, and once again, things change over time. Feelings. Perspectives. Attitudes. We’re not constant. We’re emotional beings. We’re always evolving.

So again – write it out if you must but truly think about this decision to send it.

Adopt Serena’s “48 hour rule” – before sending it. If you make any changes after the 48 hours – the the clock resets. Continue this until either you decide you don’t feel like sending it anymore, or it says exactly what you want to say, and that’s it.

Send it then, and only then.

Good luck!

Have any Question or Comment?

119 comments on “Writing a Letter to An Ex? Consider This…


Hi Thea,

Thanks for a WONDERFUL site. Your 12 stages video is brilliant and you should be very proud of yourself. As a filmmaker (who just had a film at Cannes!), I can say that your production value is AMAZING. More than that, the content is flawless. Well done.

That being said, I’m wondering if you can offer some thoughts on the last message I sent to my long-distance ex, who dumped me after I unfortunately neglected her for about 4 weeks because I got busy with the movie, and work, and was hanging out with other girls. My problem was that I failed to make our relationship exclusive (idiot) and she ended up going back to her ex boyfriend (who left her 18 months ago to chase after her best friend)–and she still went back to him. I have terrible guilt over my behavior, but this was my first relationship EVER and so I didn’t realize how I should have treated her. I hate myself every day.

Anyway, we had a phone call two weeks ago that basically was her telling me to move on and that she doesn’t think it would ever be the same again with us. Here is what I wrote to her the next day:

“I never thought you would hurt me so much to the point where I don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re certainly not the girl I met last summer. After all the good things we shared together and all the special moments, I really thought you cared about me. But now I realize it was all in my mind. I was playing both roles and just imagining that you had true feelings for me. It brought a smile to my face when you said you were excited that someone sent you flowers. It crushed me when you said you were disappointed they were from me. You’re right: it’s over. I have better things to do with my time that shed any more tears over a girl who doesn’t recognize my value. I have better things to do than wait for you to realize what a mistake you are making. I love you HER NAME. But not to the point that I forget myself and who I am. I have given you everything my heart has to offer–more than I’ve given any woman in my life–and wow, you threw it away. Okay I finally got it! P.S. – I feel sorry for you.”

I regret the P.S. I am also grieving terribly, and am just trying to figure out what to do. How to feel great about myself again: either with her or without her. But right now, I feel horrible, and the breakup has been ‘happening’ for over three months. She initiated it three months ago and I’ve been trying to get her back ever since–even flying overseas in May to show her how much she meant to me. Didn’t go well. Nor did the 25-page hand written letter I sent thereafter. I’ve been foolishly trying to get her back ever since. And this has truly been the absolutely worst summer of my life, because she led me on twice into thinking she was going to visit me for two weeks this summer. She didn’t.

I finally sent this message where I thought that I decided I need to move on. But I can’t move on. I am struggling desperately. But on the bright side, I have managed to not contact her in over two weeks. It’s about 2.5 weeks now. But I’m not feeling any better: i wake up EVERY morning in sheer agony, wishing I were dead.

Any thoughts? Should I just leave it alone? Should I apologize to her? I am having such a hard time getting over her. She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. (“Then why did you neglect her and date other girls?”) Because I don’t have experience with relationships; I was scared of commitment; and quite frankly, I was an idiot who didn’t know how to properly treat the girl you love. I will never make that mistake again. I just wish I could apply this lesson… to her. 🙁

Thanks much for any thoughts!

Hmmm, I have quite a few responses to make on the blog comments here that should have been before yours (from a few days ago) but yours struck me between the eyes. LOL. So I thought I’d start with yours first!

Ok first off, let me thank you for the comments. That’s great you liked the video and the “production values” – as a film maker yourself, you might enjoy the other videos on the 2nd videos page, in particular you’ll see the more “documentary” style film trailer that I’d love to finish one day. “Meet the Stars (So Far). Going since 2006, it’s at the “rough cut” stage and sometimes I want to finish it so I can full move on, and others abandon it.

I oscillate between the two!

That’s done. My plug.

To you it will be “tough love” and a bit brutal – not because I am being a bitch, but because I have seen most of it all before and have learned a thing or two over the dozen years here. So sorry in advance.

I read your paragraph posted (of your note to her, I mean) and rolled my eyes. It was completely HUMAN what you wrote. All of it. But it was completely RAW. It’s why I wrote the last blog about the things to consider before writing to your ex.

You wrote from a hurt place, and spoke your truth, but from a bit more distance I suspect that won’t be your truth.

If I read it as if it were written to (at) me, I’d have gone “pah, dick” and then got all defensive, as she most likely have done. I’d have also thought “geez I see why I dumped him”.

Here’s why…

“I never thought you would hurt me so much to the point where I don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re certainly not the girl I met last summer.”

I am sure that’s both true and false. I’d say anything you say about HER you’re saying about yourself – because we’re all mirrors of each other. Of course she’s not the same – we’re all growing and evolving and changing and learning etc…You aren’t the same as you were a year ago.

On the other hand, she will still very much be the woman you fell in love with and so clearly STILL love.

“After all the good things we shared together and all the special moments, I really thought you cared about me. But now I realize it was all in my mind.”

Yawn + eye roll. Yadda yadda yadda. Frankly SHE DOES CARE ABOUT YOU. There is no way to have had a relationship with someone for any length of time and then stop caring. On some level just as you’re saying YOU deserved better – so did she. [*by your own admission…]

It wasn’t in your mind, she did [and does still] on some level. The trouble is it might simply not be enough for a relationship. She may like you, love you and yet no longer feel it’s enough to be with you in a relationship sense.

The rest of the note is just a bunch of indignant EGO waffle. “Well I won’t sit around here waiting for someone like you I deserve better and I am off to find someone who appreciates me blah blah blah”.

That’s not what you necessarily wrote but that’s how EGO comes across (the bastard). Egos are a pain in the ass. They are so conditional. “I love you as long as you love me. As long as you behave the way I think you should. As long as you don’t do anything I don’t want you to do or say anything I don’t want you to say”….

If you really do love this girl let her go. Should you apologise? Yes – maybe not right away but I reckon you should write a sentence or two – (a 25 page letter? Yawn! You don’t seem to do stuff in 1/2 measures and you may think you’re making grand Hollywood gestures but on the wrong girl you’ll just push her further away which is what I suspect you have done. OTT)

So something along the lines of:

“Hey I am sorry about that last correspondence. As I am sure you can appreciate, I was speaking from a very raw place. I am grateful for the time we’ve had together. I’m sad it had to end, but I respect your decision to do so. You meant a lot to me and will always hold a special place in my heart. Take care”.

No much more than that – but choose your own wording accordingly. OK?

Send it and let it all go.

An attitude of GRATITUDE will always work better than what you did. Because when you start telling somehow how awful their behavior is, how much they changed, how much they hurt you – all their perceived “crimes” – you put them on the defensive, and they can’t even hear or take in what you’re saying.

It just activates their defensive mode and makes them come up with reasons to justify their behavior.

I am not saying write a letter that lies to someone. I am saying wait until the pain has dissipated and the true feelings shine through. When you wrote, you were clouded in negativity, hurt, indignation, hurt, defensiveness, bitterness etc.

That’s what shone through.

How would YOU Have felt reading your letter if it were from her?????

You know?

So for now – hang in there. Keep getting up everyday and finding things to occupy yourself with. Start working on ideas for the next film! I often do some of my best “work” when I am in the stage you’re in because it’s RAW and it’s REAL – it’s HUMAN. Most of us have been there. So don’t try to ignore it, but try to USE it. Channel it.

This break up can be the absolute MAKING of you.

Though your note was mean spirited – some of it’s actually right. You WILL go on to find someone who does love and appreciate you. My hope is that you won’t be quite as intense and OTT with her. Sometimes holding back a bit is a good thing.

You’re going to be ok. It’s shitty now but it won’t always be. Truly it won’t.

I think also the MIND is a tricky thing. You did the best you could at the time with the skills you had on offer. As you grow and learn more you’ll do better. You behaved the way you did because on some level maybe you actually knew she wasn’t the one. Your mind is tricking you into believe you LOVE her. I am not so sure. Time will tell. If it’s REAL LOVE – it keeps on loving no matter where you are or where she is with – and not matter WHO she is with. Love is about wanting the absolute best for someone else – their highest good – even if they’re with someone else. That’s love.

What you may have is more likely ATTACHMENT and Conditional Love or even Lust. But if it’s REAL LOVE it won’t stop – even if you never see her again. Can you honestly say that’s what you have. Whether she’s with that ex. Marrying him. Having a baby with him. All that “good stuff” – and you’re HAPPY for her? How does that feel?

Anyway you’ll be fine. Keep me posted. Contact me via our soyouvebeendumped FB page (message me) – and tell me your film info. I was in Cannes in Oct for MIPCOM and it was among the greatest experiences of my life. 🙂

Hang on in there tiger. You doing fine. Moment to moment. x


Hello, I also said many things I regret now from a very raw place. In e-mails even and text messages. OH GREAT! Wish I had seen Thea’s suggestions before doing that! Although my ex was already seeing someone else I still regret saying things in anger. Horrible feeling. Don’t even remember half of it. Hope someday to apologize somehow as suggested maybe but I really don’t want to talk to him that much anyway and at the same time miss him so much. So confusing. I wonder if the new girl saw the things I said? hmmm…. (no wonder you dumped her!)

Ha ha ha – oops HINDSIGHT IS ALWAYS 20/20. Don’t sweat it. Sure apologise one day if you feel the need to do so. He’s probably smart enough to get how pissed you were. There’s nothing wrong if in passing one day (when he’s on his own) you say “Hey I just wanted to take a moment to apologise for some of my erratic texts/emails – hope you can appreciate I was just in that ‘raw’ stage but I am over it now, sorry”. Smile and saunter off 🙂

>> I wonder if the new girl saw the things I said? hmmm…. (no wonder you dumped her!)

Precisely! Well hopefully you won’t do that again right? 🙂

Take care toots!


I’ve seriously been considering doing this, but of course there’s hesitation. Oddly enough, I am not the “dumpee” but the “dumper”. Here’s a rundown of my situation, I hope someone can help.

A year ago this past July, my boyfriend and I moved out of our small town and into a big city together. Sure we had a few friends here, but our schedules were so crazy that we seldom had time for outings with them. We pretty much just had each other, and that was fine with us. We were excited to be here, however at times I was homesick, missing my close friends and family (naturally). I’m an artist, but I was working in retail, and didn’t have the time nor energy to create anything at times. I was slowly getting very discouraged about this… in addition to being away from family and friends it was getting me kinda down. After a while I started to feel like something was missing. I pinned my depression about everything else on “not having passion/fire” in our relationship. He was stunned that I felt like this, and said we should give this a few months, and that maybe I’d get over it.

Well about a month later an ex sent me a message. I don’t want to pin this on being vulnerable, but I guess that’s what you would call it. I liked the attention. Horrible. I started messaging him here and there, becoming more and more distant with my boyfriend. A few months passed, and he asked once more if I was still feeling the same, and I said yes. We decided to break it off in June. Being that our lease does not end until November, we’re still living together, and said that we’d still be there for each other. Although things seemed amicable, I knew at some point we’d both start dating. He started first. Now he’s talking to this new girl, and I just can’t stand to see it. I’ve broken down in front of him a few times, saying that I made a mistake, but he’s told me that he gave me 5 months of chances and I didn’t take them. He’s right. I just know that I regret doing the things I’ve done to the best man I’ve ever known. He’s my best friend, the only person I can trust anything with. But now because of my stupid, inconsiderate mistakes, he’s moved on. But he has that right.

So here I am, still living with him. Seeing him talk to her, seeing him walk out the door to go meet her. It hurts. I’m really considering leaving before the lease ends, because I just can’t take it. I was going to write a letter, apologizing, and telling him that I really do care. Obviously it’s hard to believe due to my actions, but I really am genuine. I’m not sure how to go about this, or if I even have the right to do so, being that I’m the one that did the hurting. I just can’t forgive myself, he’s such a good person. Help! Any suggestions?

Well that’s a tough one to be sure. Frankly it sounds like he’s having a total “rebound” fling for his own ego and I cringe for the new girl. He no doubt still has feelings for you (even if he doesn’t show them) and it sure as hell will be hard if he starts to see you getting out there and on with things – having fun…

I’d forgo the letter for a while and just try to be his “friend” (avoid talking about the new girl that will only hurt). If/when you do move out, then by all means write that letter.

To be honest and blunt with you – (sorry) – it sounds like you only want him because someone else wants him now. He’s suddenly become more attractive to you but for MONTHS you weren’t interested. I don’t think you really are – even though he’s a great guy or you’d have been showing that and feeling it all along. It’s a case of “forbidden fruit”. If you really love and care for this guy then you’ll want him to be 100% happy even if that’s not with you!!

As hard as it is to “let go” especially when under the same roof. I am guessing that’s what needs to happen for now.

Not forever. Not saying it won’t work out in time between you two – who knows…but for now you need to step back and get on with healing. I feel like it’s a case of jealousy and if you had someone you are interested in and was interested in you – you’d probably not care quite so much.

It’s probably more a case of him “moving on” (by appearances anyway – I don’t personally think he’s wise dating someone already AT ALL) and you wishing you were too.

I know it’s hard to “detach from the outcome” but that is my best advice for now.

Give it some time. Really dig deep beyond your EGO’s reaction to him and her…and ask yourself really what you’re feeling underneath. It’s not about them it’s about you.

Be honest with him – face to face – how grateful you are for the time shared. Apologies for not being the easiest to live with and tell him your greatest hope is for his happiness – even with someone else (as much as it pains you to say and to actually feel).

You two may really end up being (or remaining) the best of friends and possibly even more…

But sounds like you’ve a lot on your plate…”day job”, and homesickness, etc…Doesn’t sound you’re in the best of places even without a break up on there too!

So work on getting back to that happy, healthy, productive woman you most definitely are…and you’ll be amazed what starts to transpire as you do.

You really are going to be ok…Keep writing the letter now if it helps you process your feelings. It can’t hurt but make it a letter of gratitude rather than “I’m so sorry I done ya wrong” type thing. You know? Don’t go for all those “If only you give me another chance,….” type pleads.

This is just is what is meant to be for now. Not necessarily forever. Work on you because frankly that’s the only thing you have ANY control over…What you do, think, feel, eat, drink, how you spend your time, are you using it wisely? Worry less about what you can/can’t control.

I know I said it before but I really do feel for little Miss New…I would NOT want to be in a situation like this – with a guy who’s clearly not “over” his ex, still living with her etc. It’s a confusing and challenging time (even if he doesn’t show that). He may be wrapped up in the newness of this and the whole EGO boost of it all (just as you once were) but it’s not really the recipe for a budding romance.

You hang in there…Write but don’t send, *yet* anyway.



I get what you’re saying. I know how it looks… He even put it in perspective for me one night after I broke down, and was begging like an idiot. He said it’s like I was his toy, and I played with it and one day became bored and now it was my “old” toy. And then someone new comes along, sees this “old” toy and its like new to them, making the toy feel valued. This made me feel like dirt. I didn’t ever want to make him feel like he wasn’t cherished or valuable to me. I know my actions said otherwise… I know. But he really is worth more to me than that.

It’s just so hard to not over analyze it all. Just a few weeks ago he tried to be intimate with me, and while I wanted to, part of me thought he was just being a typical guy, I don’t know. I was unsure. He then told me afterwards that it was my “last chance” to try to reconcile. How does one go from that to this in a couple of weeks? It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s told me to my face several times since then, that he’s done with me and that we’re never getting back together. It just seems like a game is all. I don’t think you can turn it on/off that quickly can you?

And also, living together has been challenging. He still wants to hang out, and asks where I’m going. I try not to do that much with him because I’m trying to detach myself from him. I don’t know. A part of me feels like I can fix this before the lease is up, but that probably wouldn’t be wise. There’s probably too much damage done to our foundation and would probably start to crumble. I know the answer is to leave, and let time pass. It’s just so hard.


I was searching for some kind of relief/help…and I found this site. After 4 years in a relationship with someone I thought would love me forever…he recently told me he loves me….but is not “in love with me anymore”. The relationship for sure had it’s problems…but never did I eVer expect him to feel that way about me. I was totally blind sighted. I broke down during him telling me this…was emotionally hysterical….did the begging…the whole nine yards…then finally left his apartment. It has been 12 days since then…and the pain I am enduring is eXcruciating. I have moments where I doubt I will be able to survive this. I have no intention of writing letters…calling him…or anything of the kind. One bout of desperate begging and crying has made me feel fool enough. All I REALLY want to do is get RID of the pain. I never want to be with someone who does not love me…never…but I just resent having this bomb dropped on me and turning my inner joy into grueling agony. I am trying the best I can to stay busy…and to think positive…but the avalanche of pain strikes me every day…my energy is low…my depression is persistent…and I don’t want to live like this. I think this is the worst pain someone can go thru next to the loss of someone they love thru death. Only when someone dies…you know it was not their choice to leave you…but in this case it was. I will never understand how his love for me died. I am devastated.

Sorry for the delay. The site was off for several days now…

How are you doing now? The pain takes a while to go. It ebbs and flows in cases like this. Your inner joy will return it just takes a while and lots of effort to re-discover it again.

I don’t know if REAL LOVE ever truly dies. i don’t think it does. Either he didn’t ever truly love you or he still does – but just not in the same way or in a way that sees him wanting to continue the relationship.

You’re going to be ok it really just takes some time / effort / goal setting and working toward the joy once more.

It’s about asking the right questions about this and not the wrong ones (like “what did i do to deserve this?” and “was i not good enough”)…

Work on taking away what you can about yourself, your relationship, your break up and apply it to future interactions.

Hope you’re hanging in there x.


It took me awhile to find your response Thea….but I finally found it tonight….so thank you. I am doing pretty much the same. Fighting as hard as I can to stay functioning…but still in pain and disbelief. I find myself saying…”this can’t be real”…it is just so unfathomable to me that he could not want to be with me anymore. I still love him with all my heart. He has since sent me a letter…saying “he prays I am okay”…and that he “never meant to hurt me or mislead me”. That comment “mislead me” was like salt on the wound. This is a man who told me for 4 years that he loved me. I would say that was a little bit misleading. The only conclusion I can draw…is that I must have loved him more then he loved me….and I just did not know it. He also tried to call me once….after the letter…but his number is blocked….so all he got was a ringing phone with no answering machine. I am positive that his attempts to reach me are about guilt and worry and not love. Cause if he loved me … none of this would be happening. I can not emphasize enough how much this course of events NEVER crossed my mind. It all feels so wrong. Like there must be some kind of mistake. But apparently…it is real…and I dread living with this. I feel like I am in a nightmare that I can not wake up from. Of course I want to work on myself and my own life…but it’s not much fun when you are suffering so badly. I know he’s not coming back…and I just can’t believe it. I would do anything to not be living this nightmare of pain.

p.s. Reading all the stories of these broken hearts is making me never want to be in a relationship ever again. It is terrible what people have to go through. Why find the joy of love if the price you have to pay is sheer agony.


What a fabulous site. I already feel stronger and more positive from reading it. Thank you so much Thea-you’re a bit of a saviour in people’s time of need.
I’ve written two letters to exs in my life-neither replied. The first one I was devastated immediately that I didn’t receive a reply-how could she hear my heart’s emotions and not acknowledge them? I am totally over her, despite at the time thinking that it wasn’t possible to love anyone that much again.

I didn’t learn my lesson though and 4 months ago wrote a letter to someone who seemingly fell out of love with me and in love with someone else in 3 weeks-my fault for not communicating how i felt about her. Still beating myself up about that.

I initially didn’t expect a response – I’d done it to say everything I hadn’t had the opportunity to say – however over time the same thing has eaten me up. How can someone who cares so much for you hear all of that and not even acknowledge it with an ‘I understand’ or ‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out’?

My letter was far from perfect but didn’t blame her in any way, wasn’t abusive, didn’t beg or plead, had some gratitude in it. Was probably a bit too much on the pathetic ‘it’s all my fault’ lines, was certainly too long and was very raw (sent one week after the break up but had 24hours time out before sending it).

Thing is I would probably send another if I broke up with someone else and didn’t feel I’d said everything. I would just have to accept that I won’t get anything back and accept that it’s a trade off between feeling that sadness of another rejection when they don’t respond but not having the regret of not saying everything. I’d try to follow the advice here a bit more though for the content.

For anyone who is at the one week stage – I feel for your unbearable agony and it does get better.


Hello again Thea. I have not heard back from you yet…but I realize you have alot of broken hearts coming at you…as well as your OWN life to deal with. When ever I feel that suffering coming on…I just sit on your site and read other people’s stories and your comments to them. It makes me feel not quite so alone…and I get insight from things you say. I thank God for this site…cause I have chosen not to talk about my pain with most people in my life. From past experience…I have learned it is not a good idea. I do not have a good support system. Many times I do not get the response or understanding that I need…and just end up with another thing to be upset about. Anyway…I have had some good days…or rather moments…where I have felt no pain…and felt hopeful…but it just dosen’t last. I have had to fight my way out of many an emotional break down. What bothers me the most…is him telling me he is “not in love with me anymore”. If he had said…I need time…I need space…or we are better off apart…I would have still been sad…but I think I could have handled that alot better. Many times people still love each other but can’t be together. But the method he used to break us up…by using THOSE WORDS…was the cruelest…most devastating thing he could have done to me. I want him to want me. And it is wrecking me that he does not. I can’t comprehend it. Don’t think I ever will. Even if he came back to me…I would never be with him again…because he used those hurtful words. There is no “ooops…I didn’t mean it” that I could ever accept. So one way or the other…I know it is truly over. My mind is going crazy wondering if there is another girl. I dread finding that out. More pain is just not something I want to deal with. Oh Thea….I hurt so much !


Hi Tracy….I am SO sorry for what you’re going through….I SO feel your pain – and I know first hand how agonizing it is to lose a man you love – epsecially when he said that he wasn’t in love with you anymore. It makes me want to say, “why don’t you just rip my heart out instead?!”

My ex and I broke up at the end of May. I was left devastated. My situation was similiar to yours – he told me that he didn’t “feel the same way about me.” It felt as though he had taken a baseball bat to my head. I thought I was going to faint. We were talking about getting married right before the breakup…and then….out of nowhere….he dumped me. But my boy is a major commitmentphobe….so….it was to be expected.

He sent me a card a week after the breakup saying how sorry he was for causing me so much pain, and that he was very concerned for me. We’ve exchanged sporadic emails since, and we saw each other 3 weeks ago (I initiated the meeting). It was so wonderful to see him, and we got along so well….the conversation was fantastic (light, humorous, fun). I interjected relationship stuff into the conversation, never accusing him of anything, but only taking responsibility for what I did for causing its demise. He was very gracious, and thought that it was actually his fault. But we didn’t dwell on it too much. We hung out for 3 hours. He walked me to my car afterwards, gave me a long warm hug and planted a tender kiss on my mouth. A tear ran down my cheek, and I told him to reconsider giving our relationship a second shot. He said that he would, but I haven’t heard from him since.

His mom has been in touch with me….when he went to visit her a couple of days later, she reported that he seemed very relaxed and happy….that she hadn’t seen him look so relaxed in a long time.

The point I’m trying to make here Tracy is, don’t take your ex at his word when he says that he’s not in love with you anymore. Any number of things could be going on in his mind. Being “in love” comes….it goes…it waxes….in wanes. Both parties in a relationship have to work on staying in love.

Here’s the thing….if my ex hung out with me for 3 hours, and more significantly, kissed me so tenderly several months after our breakup, it indicates to me that he still has strong feelings for me. Whether we get back together or not isn’t the issue. You said in your post that his words tore you apart…well….I say, give it some time….don’t contact him at all….let him get his bearings….calm down a bit.

I’ll bet you 10 to 1 that he still has very strong feelings for you. Again, this has nothing to do with whether you’ll get back together or not. After my boy kissed me, I knew that he still had strong feelings for me. It was very healing, and has been helping me move on. Though I do miss him still, I know that he still harbors feelings for me. So, please hang in there Tracy. I SO empathize with you. Words can cut like a knife. I don’t think it would be a bad idea to contact him after a few weeks of no-contact. Ask to see him and talk about good memories. Look hot and fabulous….smile….have fun….be brief if you want to mention something about the relationship….and whatever you do…..BE RESPECTFUL….pretend you’re talking to your boss!!

Be professional….no melodrama. I know it’s a pipe dream now, but I guarantee you that the pain will subside even though you may continue to harbor affection for him in your heart. Please stay encouraged. My heart aches alongside yours :o( Mimi

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you on this. I guess I have a few comments from you to reply to.

Will do so one-by one…

>> ”this can’t be real”…

Oh yes I know that well. I’ve been there and suspect everyone here has too. That disbelief.

I do feel as though you’re thinking of it all wrong (understandably so)…

But I believe he meant what he said when he said. He did feel he loved you when he said it for all those years. I don’t think he LIED or anything. I thought I’ve loved many people in my life but eventually I felt what was “TRUE love” and to be honest with you I’ve only had that ONE time. I loved, on some levels, the other guys but with the one gentleman in question – it was different. It felt mutual. It felt pretty unconditional. We respected each other and were kind to one another. We were “in love” – I believe (at least I was)

Now, when it came to the end, I was dumped from a pretty great height (for his work colleague) but it doesn’t take away from the relationship as it stood. Not to me in my mind (am years on down the road).

This guy no doubt loved and cared for you on some level and likely probably always will.

If it is real love you felt for him – that won’t change either. Regardless of where he is and who he is with.

It’s just that around here 9 x out of 10 – it’s not real love people speak of. It’s conditional love “I will love you as long as you love me back” or “I love you as long as you behave the way I think you should or say what I think you should”.

Real love is not like that – it keeps on loving regardless.

I will always love on some level that one gentleman I spoke of – even though we’ve not spoken in more than a dozen years.

This goes for the other guys. The last one I was involved with I still love and we’ve not spoken in quite some time. But I wish him and hope he is happy. I send him “love” every now and again.

It’s just that we all have different interpretations of “LOVE” really. How you define it may not be how he does.

I hope you work toward forgiving him for any perceived wrongs you think he’s done and focus on the gratitude that you even had a relationship for 4 years! Presumably some great times, great sex, nice meals, lots of fun.

No one said it would last forever. But again you may have had more than some people EVER get in their lives.

The “nightmare of pain” does fade. I am LIVING PROOF of that. It really does. Accepting. Healing. Forgiving. It’s all part of the process. x

>> Thank you so much Thea-you’re a bit of a saviour in people’s time of need.

You’re welcome and thanks for the gratitude.

I am sorry you’re going through this recent pain.

I think as I probably said in the blog one of the reasons people DON’T reply is that they just don’t know what to say. So instead of making an attempt – they say nothing. It doesn’t mean s/he didn’t care or doesn’t miss you – but I guess in the recent case they’ve moved on to someone new and so that is taking up all their energies. You know?

You’re gonna be OK it’s a bit raw but it’s a chance to learn a lot about yourself and your actions. You can vow to be more open / expressive in the future while in the relationship 🙂

Do take care m’dear x

>> When ever I feel that suffering coming on…I just sit on your site and read other people’s stories and your comments to them. It makes me feel not quite so alone…and I get insight from things you say. I thank God for this site…

Good to hear it’s proving helpful reading all the stories and comments. I think I saw one from someone today direct at you (not gotten there yet as am working from oldest to newest)…

>> I have had some good days…or rather moments…where I have felt no pain…and felt hopeful…but it just doesn’t last.

Par for the course, sugar. It ebbs and flows, no doubt.

Well honey in terms of what he said – “I’m not in love with you anymore” – yes it stings but he was honest, and that was a really hard thing to do. Maybe he should have cushioned the blow – sure.

Frankly one thing I’ve learned is that it doesn’t really matter how he did it or what he said to end it. You would have PAIN no matter what method or what words. You really would.

People get hung up on the delivery – but really it doesn’t change a thing. You need to give up wishing for a better ending. It ended. And you fixating on how / what / whatever – is arguing with reality.

Get to the point you’re mentally thanking him for his honesty. He spoke his truth. Thank him for freeing you up to find someone who IS in love with you. Who will love you. Better that he did end it rather than continue on with you NOT loving you – possibly cheating on you.

There is good here but as long as you fixate on the bad you can’t see it.

Find the good. Keep digging. It’s there. I know it hurts. I’ve said before I went through this too. My relationship was about the same length. I thought I’d be with that guy til the end of my days (or his) but life had a different plan for me. I guess it does you too. 🙂

Take care x


Dear Mimi…thank you SO MUCH for reaching out to me and telling me your story…and for empathizing with my pain. That was very kind of you…and I appreciate it greatly. I have been doing exactly what you said. It’s been 3 weeks since it happened…and I have made no contact…nor have I responded to his letter. I am wayyyy too delicate right now to do so. I could never fake (at this point) that I am okay…and my heart can not bare to take the chance of hearing another hurtful word. By the time I would be able to handle speaking to him…I probably won’t want to. I also agree that his words of “I’m not in love with you anymore” may have come from a temporary state of frustration with our situation. I do know he still loves me…or at least cares about me…but for now…he does not love me enough to want to be with me. That much is clear. I realized today…that I really have to pull myself together…and I am trying with all my might. But the pain seems to have a life of it’s own…despite my desire to banish it. Intellectually I can talk my way out of this…but my body seems to have a reaction of it’s own. I feel quite sick very often. I hope we both go on to find the right love for us…we both deserve to be loved the way…(as Thea perfectly put it) …unquestionably! Thanks again…and maybe I will talk to you sometime down the road…xxoo…Tracy


Thea…thank you for your response. I do agree that I have loved some men in my life more then others (even though I thought I loved them all at the time)….but I would classify this past relationship as “true love”…at least on my end. I know I will always love him no matter how much time passes. But right now…I am disgusted by how badly he hurt me. I know you say it would have hurt no matter how he went about the break up….but…to know that he put “no thought” into my well being with his choice of action…well…that made it twice as devastating. In addition to saying “he was not in love”…he hurled a bunch of other hurtful words at me too. When you care about someone…you try to soften the blow. Can’t help but feel that the way he went about it was extremely cruel. I can’t feel gratitude toward him right now or for the time we spent together…but maybe someday I will. I don’t know.
You truly are living proof that even the most devastating break up can be overcome. Your story is a rough one…and it gives me hope.
Like you…I thought I would spend the remainder of my days with him. So the pain is not just due to the loss of him…but also to the loss of my dream of a life with him. He started out as such a wonderful boyfriend….a dream come true. But none of the traits that I fell in love with exist in him today. Thanks for your help and your insight. I will keep on doing the best I can. I still have dreams…and God Willing…I will continue to work toward them. Much appreciation…

One final word…The way I am trying to cope with this now…is to remind myself of all the ways in which he constantly hurt me…even BEFORE he fell out of love with me. I am giving myself a reality check on the way he was. Aside from the first year and a half…I have loved him in spite of him…not because of him. If I really look at the situation with out my heart involved…I am really losing nothing but a non stop hurting machine. And I know that no matter how much this is killing me now…the farther away I get…the more I will realize that he was never worthy of me. I will always love him…why I can not explain…but Lord knows…he did not treat me right. I def deserve better.


Thanks for taking the time to post on here for Tracy. It’s nice to have other people’s input on here now and again 🙂

I agree too – he may not have the same feelings as he used to but doesn’t mean he doesn’t still love / care still. Just as your guy does.

You’re in pain Mimi but you’re sounding pretty good at this point. You’ve got a good attitude about it all I can tell.

Hope you’re doing great now – in spite of the heartache! x


Thank you for your response Thea…you’re very kind :o) I do think it’s important to let them go….as hard as it is….as counter-intuitive as it is – it has to be done. It’s amazing how liberating it is to finally let him go. I certainly feel sad – very sad – but I’m also starting to feel peaceful about the whole thing. I am definitely not ready to date another guy right now because it would mean that I’d really have to let him go….and that makes my heart ache so badly. I don’t understand how a man who spent so much time with me, who was so intimately involved in my life (as I was in his) could just walk away without the slightest problem. We shared so much – we loved each other so much – I was always careful to be respectful and kind. From my perspective, we really didn’t have any significant issues, and yet he ran scared. It’s inexplicable. I guess that’s why I’m so devasted. We were talking about marriage and buying a house together….and then the bottom fell out. I felt sick to my stomach. Good grief!! I am much better now, but I still can’t come to terms with how a man could just up and leave when there’s no tangible problem. I always gave him his space, was respectful, treated him like a friend, made myself vulnerable by sharing my fears, dreams, etc., but he NEVER talked to me about anything that would make him look weak….he was always elusive….never communicated anything….good, bad, or otherwise. Anyway….I’m sure it was for the best. I know that I’ll look back on this and be grateful that it ended. Again Thea, thank you for this blog. It really helps to connect with people who can understand. I am sorry for all the pain you’ve been through as well. Thank you for your encouragement. Mimi.


Dear Tracy….

I hope you’re feeling better today. It’s been 4 months since Scott and I broke up, but I can report to you that, instead of feeling despondent (as I did at first), a new “me” is emerging from the ashes. It’s bitter-sweet. I still long for him and miss him like crazy….but I have learned SO much in the past several months…and I’m starting enjoy life again. Tracy, just know that you will be fine again – promise. All the best to you….:o) Mimi.


Hi Mimi….I am doing a little better…have been working real hard at trying to be less upset. I also received another phone call from him the other day. He left a message on my cell phone…but I have not listened to the message out of fear. Anything short of him saying…”I love you and I miss you”…is just going to add to my pain….so I am staying away from it. I am happy for you that you are doing well. I hope to follow in your footsteps…xo…ALL BEST…Tracy


Hi Tracy, I can understand why you don’t want to listen to his voicemail….you’re trying to protect yourself from more pain. He’s probably very conflicted….trying to deal with all the emotions that are emerging. This is a very trying time for both of you – especially for you. Hang in there Tracy. In my opinion, you’re doing the right thing by not contacting him just yet. I think it’s too soon. I made the mistake of responding to my guy because I thought the break up was entirely my fault. I apologized up a storm – huge mistake on my part. I should’ve waited until I calmed down – had better perspective. I paniced. As it turns out, a lot of it was his fault. In one of your previous posts you said that you loved him DESPITE his faults – HEAR! HEAR! Me too!! That’s why I was so devastated when he broke up with me. That’s real LOVE – when you choose to stay despite their fauts. You invest. It’s a kick in the teeth when you put all that effort into the relationship and they don’t. I did explain that to him in a long email. I told him (very respectfully) that I loved him DESPITE his faults – that though his faults made me sick to my stomach and made me want to run for the hills, I stuck it out. What I felt for him after deciding to commit myself to the relationship was a deep unwavering affection – real LOVE. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t do the same for me. That’s what hurt me the most, that after two years of fighting to overcome my own desire to “abandon ship”, he didn’t reciprocate. Reading your experience reminds me so much of my own. My brother told me that I’m the one who is capable of being in a commited relationship – he’s not. The break up is a poor reflection of him, but a good one of me. I would argue the same thing for you Tracy. YOU were willing to stick it out – no matter what. Good for you. Let’s see what transpires now. Hold your head up high and know that you’ve got the chops to be in a commited relationship. I hope you’re surrounded by supportive people. All the best to you – Mimi.


omg Mimi !! Your email is so RIGHT ON. That is exactly how I feel ! So many times…he’d anger me enough…that I would start to pull away…thinking that (even though I did not want to)…I should end the relationship. But he’d always call and call and call and call…till I would finally give in…talk to him…and end up right back in the saddle! I never gave up on him….cause I loved him so much. He even said to me (about 9 months ago)…to “never leave him…that he’d be half a man without me”. Then WHAMO…he turns around and leaves me??? omg…smack in the face. You sound like one awesome person…and I truly believe that your ex lost someon really special !! I think both our ex’s were commitment phobes. I am feeling sad again tonight…I hate this whole thing so much ! I am sure you have gone thru and still go thru the same. It sucks ! Plain and simple. I really do not have alot of support Mimi…I have not even told alot of people what’s going on. Too many bad experiences in the past. People are really just to busy to be there. I know I have what it takes to be in a commited relationship…because that is what I truly want. The problem is finding another person who wants the same…and someone that you truly love…ughhh…not easy. All I have left is my dignity as far as not talking to him at all. As much as it hurts…I am giving him what he asked for. I am still in shock…still really can not believe this could possibly be true !! I hate it Mimi…I just just hate it. All this unnescessary pain to deal with when we could have just had a happy life together ! arghhhhhh….lol…thanks for talking to me Mimi…it is really nice to have someone who understands !


Hi Tracy….ugh!!! I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!! Oh my goodness!! It’s as if I’m looking in the mirror! You sound exactly like me. You’re so right when you say that our men could have had it so good….so, so, so good. They are the ones who are complicating things – not us. That’s one of the things that hurts so much. Also, you say that you’re so afraid to go back out there again! Ditto!! Me too…so terrified! First of all, I’m still so enamoured by Scott that no one else will do. Second, I am so scared of getting close to yet another guy and having the same thing happen again. I’m in a rut. The best thing we both can do is to be very careful the next time around. First of all. We both need to write a list of all our assets. It sounds like we’re both mature, confident, independent women. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of other fantastic attributes – list them on a piece of paper and look at them EVERY DAY (I need to do it too!). Then we both need to list all the red flags that we observed but chose to ignore in our men. Then, we need to say that we truly are capable of having a lasting and meaningful relationship. Then (and here’s a very challenging one) we have to be VERY careful when we start dating another guy. Here’s my new rule of thumb: Until or unless he has made a commitment, I REFUSE to give my heart to him! END OF STORY!! I will not make an emotional investment, nor will I respect him until I am absolutely convinced that he’s in it for the long haul! We have to be strong. I will not suffer this kind of agony ever again! I don’t know if you’d take him back or not, but if you do, he would have to be a CHANGED man. I personally won’t take Scott back unless he proposes. He’s known me long enough. He’s just scared. Well….in the words of his own mother: MAN UP!!! His entire family is so mad at him. He’s done this to so many girls. I’m so glad that they’re so supportive of me.

I also know EXACTLY how you feel when you say that no one is being supportive – that everyone is too busy – same thing has been happening to me. My mom and Scott’s mom have really been there to pick up the pieces, but my friends have all but vanished. They can’t handle my pain.

I’m here for you Tracy. It’s amazing how our experiences are so unbelievably similar.

You DO deserve to be treated better than that – so do I. I pulled out all the stops to make the relationship work – even after it was over. But now I am moving on. Onwards and Upwards. Though I still ache for him, I need to move on.

Thank you for the compliments….you’re too kind!! YES….WE BOTH ARE TOO GOOD FOR THEM!!! Though we’re the ones who feel the loss, they’re the ones who have lost out I’m afraid. OH WELL. Be sure that one day, they’ll feel it….when it’s too late.

Please take care of yourself Tracy, and know that I’ll be here to support you.



Thanks so much for your support Mimi…xo…I just hope Thea does not mind us hijacking her site. (If you do Thea…please let us know).
As far as going back out to date…that will probably not happen for me any time soon. I have alot of healing to do. All your suggestions about being more careful next time are great….but I really had no doubts “this time” about my ex’s love for me at all ! SO…if he could leave me…anybody can.
I think even more important then writing a list of our best assets… is your suggestion to write all the red flags about our ex’s that we ignored. We need to think about why we did not stop the madness when we should have. That is probably the most important lesson for the next time. We let our love for them get in the way of making wise decisions . And now we are paying the price. I also do not want to suffer this agony ever again. I wish there was a guarantee…but there is not.
I doubt I will be taking my ex back…as he has made no effort to show me he even wants me back ! Even if he did…I would pray to God that I would not go back to him…cause I know the same thing will just happen all over again. I don’t think they ever really change. Maybe in the beginning of the reunion they would be on their best behavior…but with time…I am sure their same prior tendencies will rear their ugly head. Your case may be different…as your man is just probably running scared from marriage. So if he ever decides he does want to marry…maybe you guys would have another chance. I don’t know. But it is definitely best for neither one of us to wait around on them. I think that is the worst thing we could do. And yes…I have seen friends vanish every time there is a situation that requires long term loyal support. It sucks and just makes ya feel worse which is why I am not even talking about this to anyone. I am glad you have some support from both moms at least. It is so important.
I still have not listened to his phone message…nor has he tried to call me again. I can’t help but feel that his calls are just him doing what he thinks is “his duty” to not look like the bad guy. If he had any regrets about what he did…I think he would be calling me constantly until he got ahold of me. So…I just have to keep on living with this reality that I hate so much.
I know you still have alot of pain Mimi….but how long did it take you to get past the really devastating part? It has been almost a month for me….and I am still suffering greatly.
Hope to hear from you….Tracy


Dear Tracy,

I too hope that Thea doesn’t mind that we’ve hijacked her site :o) Well, it took me about 3 months to stabalize. But I think you’re doing a lot better than me because I continued to HOPE that we’d get back together – I guess I was in denial that it was over. You are way ahead of where I was. I genuinely thought the breakup was my fault – HUGE mistake on my part. Then we met a month ago (after a 3 month hiatus). Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, he was amazing – it was as if no time had lapsed, and we were the same couple we used to be. We hung out for 3 hours. He was very kind and attentive…bought me tea and cake (I had a bad cold). Then we went for a walk. Finally, he walked me to my car and kissed me (on the mouth) goodbye. I asked him to reconsider getting back together, and he said that he would. It’s been a month (this Saturday) since, and I haven’t heard a thing. All I can say is that he’s a confused man who doesn’t know what he wants. BUT, the meeting helped me a lot. I knew that he still had feelings for me. Afterall, why would a man hang out with his ex for 3 hours, treat her like a queen and then give her a passionate kiss? I wouldn’t – would you? If I was over someone, I wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole, let alone spend 3 hours with them and then kiss them.

I highly doubt that we’ll get back together again, let alone get married. That’s okay.

I know exactly how you feel about dating another man. I feel the same way – I’m still too hurt to go out there again, and I continue to harbor a lot of affection for Scott. I can’t even conceive of being attracted to another guy. That said, I’m not going to give him that much control – that’s the key.

I know what you mean when you say that a certain amount of risk is involved in dating. But I think you can reduce it by reminding yourself of how valuable you are – YOU are the treasure. You have to believe that first. That has to be your attitude. If you consider yourself a valuable asset, YOU will be the one to decide whether he’s right for you or not, or to call him out on his bad behavior. It’s all about how much you value yourself. Again Tracy, YOU ARE THE TREASURE – any man should be HONORED to commit to you. The reason why you and I “put up” with their garbage is because we didn’t consider ourselves as highly valuable, and deserving of respect and love. THAT’S THE KEY. You and I have to BELIEVE that we are highly valuable. Does that make sense? And for us to not date ever again amounts to giving these guys WAY too much power!!! We have a dream, and we’re going to get it!!! BELIEVE IT TRACY!!! We will no longer tolerate bad behavior. We will project confidence, and will NOT take anything less than a man who will treat us like a queen!! Otherwise, they’re out!!! That’s what I think we were afraid of….kicking them to the curb when they behaved badly. I think you’re doing the right thing by not contacting him – good for you.

I know first hand how much pain you’re in, but believe me when I say to you that you’ll bounce back. Make sure you stay focused on how valuable you are for right now. This excercise will eventually give you your power back. I’ve written a list of everything God has given me – all my positive attributes – I’m not overdoing it of course – I am being honest.


Mimi :o)

I encourage you to talk to your family members about this – it really will help you get a more objective perspective in the long run. Right now, nothing seems to help – but I promise you, you will bounce back – and you’ll be the stronger for it.

Just like you, my dream was to be married to a wonderful man. And just like you, I really thought Scott was that guy.


Hi Mimi…
It is always great to find an email from you ! But anytime you decide you do not want to talk about this anymore…I will totally understand and respect that. I know you are trying to move on…and I do not want my struggle to keep bringing up pain for you. You do not have to respond to me unless you are truly okay with it.

I really am not that much ahead of you Mimi….because “my heart” does still hope…even though “my head” says NO WAY will I ever let this slide…should he suddenly change his mind. I am pretty convinced he is not going to change his mind anyway. Once someone can say that to you (the dreaded words)…and then proceed to live without you for this long…I think it’s pretty much a done deal.

My biggest obstacle seems to be digesting that he is not “in love” with me anymore and does not want to be with me. For my mind and heart…that thought is like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole ! It just dosen’t fit !! And yet it is !! The day I can wrap my head around that…will be a big step. We thought for soooo long that they were “the guy” we’d be with forever…(I was sure of it)…that it feels next to impossible to suddenly have to accept that they are not. Just seems soooo wrong. I can not say that enough !

I feel very much the way you do. Every guy after this is going to be compared to the way I felt about my ex. And that is gonna suck. This all takes time…feelings take time to shift…and I am sooo not into the process and yet it has been dumped on my lap. What I wouldn’t do to fast forward 5 years…so that I would not have to feel any of this ! Imagine that…that I am in so much pain…I would actually wish away 5 years of my precious life…just to not have to suffer this. Terrible !

I am wondering why you initially thought the break up was all your fault. I do not feel that way. Not that I was perfect…but I know I loved him with everything I had…so my concious is clear. It really IS amazing how your ex spent that time with you…was as warm as ever…showed you so much affection…and yet still went on his merry way afterwards. I can not figure them out. I could actually see my ex doing the same thing if I was to contact him. I think maybe…they still love/care about us…as people…as friends…but the romantic aspect is gone? My ex would probably do anything I asked of him right now…but that does not mean he would want the relationship back. Like I said before…it is next to impossible to accept that their love has faded when ours is still so strong. That is the nightmare of all of this.

I honestly did think I was a treasure ! But apparently…and eventually…he did not. I always thought I held myself in high regard…I have always loved who I am. And I ALWAYS called him out on his bad behavior…which is why our relationship was so rocky. BUT…I kept going back to him…because I loved him so much…I needed him…and I wanted him…and I was a sucker for his apologies. Talk about a HUGE mistake. I should have been stronger…and wiser…and more respectful of myself. I tend to have too kind of a heart and it gets me into alot of trouble. He did treat me very much like a queen for the first 2 years. Then little by little…that treatment started to fade…until I was left with nothing.

I do still have my dreams Mimi…and I will never give up on them. I just wish I could have my joy back so that I could make the most of each day instead of wasting energy fighting off this pain. I am so resentful of it.

I wish so much the best for both of us ! With or with out men ! And I still say your ex is an ASS for giving up someone as wonderful as YOU. I think that deep down…THEY are the ones who do not feel valuable. Because they do not know how to handle someone really loving them. It’s as if they feel they do not deserve it …so they have to ruin it…or run from it ! arghhhh…frustrating creatures ! lol

Anyway…with that said…THANK YOU so much…xo


Dear Tracy,

Don’t worry….I’ll support you as long as you need me to. I know too well how much pain you’re in. I wish I had an understanding person in my camp when I was struggling….but my friends were nasty and thought that I was overreacting – that’s because most of them are married and they’ve forgotten how horrible a break up feels. They’re so out of touch. It’s ok – what you’re experiencing is very natural – very human. My best friend told me to go on anti-depressants – NO WAY!!! By the way, she is no longer my friend – she stopped calling me because I refused to go on anti-depressants! Can you believe it??!! She just couldn’t handle the pain I was in. She even called me a “brat!” So, I’m here for you, and I completely understand what you’re going through.

Yes, it is absolutely UNBELIEVABLE that our guys can walk away and be fine. A lot of it has to do with the fact that guys bottle their emotions up – they don’t talk about them. What you and I are doing is healthy – talking it out – grieving. I can guarantee you that they are struggling too – but not as much as we are.

It’s obvious to me that your guy doesn’t appreciate being called out when he behaves badly. I know mine didn’t. I was always very respectful when I did call him out – very adult. I didn’t make a fuss, didn’t raise my voice – just said things like “I’d really like it if you could be on time.” He was ALWAYS late. So, I did whatever I could to make the relationship work. I think one of the major reasons we’re hurting so much is because we put SO MUCH effort into making our relationships work, and we’re stunned that they didn’t – and to make matters worse, they dumped us. It’s as if they are punishing us for our hard work!! WHAT??!! I think that’s why we’re upset. We invested too much. What we should have done is walk away when things started to get bad. We should’ve held our heads up high and said, “OK…I’m done here.” But, we got sucked back in.

Thank you for your compliments – I finally realized that it wasn’t my fault, thanks to his mom and mine. Yes, like you, I made my share of mistakes, but I was always willing to own them and to change.

Tracy, you must take your time in the healing process. If you want to be alone right now, then be alone. If you want to cry, cry. Do whatever you’re comfortable doing.

The first month for me was utter hell. I barely moved out of the house. I would go to the local grocery store and get food, but that was about it. If my healing process is any indication to you, you will be better in a month from now, and better still in a couple of months. It will not take 5 years!! NO WAY!! In a year from now you’ll be fine, and I’ll bet you’ll look back and say “what was I thinking??!!” Also know that, once the pain is gone, you’ll be stronger for it. Your next relationship (whenever it happens) will be all the better for it. What I’ve been doing, as hard as it is, is learning from my mistakes (let’s face it, we both made them). I want to make sure I don’t repeat the same stuff in the next one. For me, I have vowed that I’ll never compromise my core values and principles for a man. If they don’t like it, they can walk – but I will not let my guard down ever again. I lost a lot of power when I compromised. The right man will not only share my principles, but will uphold and respect them. NO MORE COMPROMISES – I made A LOT of compromises for him….I think that’s why he lost respect for me. We think that because we give in to their whims, we are being accomodating or kind….NO!!!

As to whether they have romantic feelings for us – I believe that they do. But I think they value their freedom more than they value a stable and healthy relationship.

I am SO glad that your conscience is clear – that you did nothing cataclysmically wrong – good for you. That’s why I think you’re a step ahead of me. You’re a lot stronger than I was. I beat myself up so bad, doing the “coulda-woulda-shoulda’s.” I drove myself nuts!! You, on the other hand, refuse to give in to his garbage.

Tracy, I am here….don’t worry….give yourself permission to be were you are right now….grieve. You’ve lost a relationship that you invested in – you have every right to be sad because you lost a very big piece of your self-identity.

Try to get some rest too. I couldn’t have made it had I not slept a lot.

Again….I am here for you Tracy :o)



Hi Mimi….
I had a half way decent day today…but I feel that sick feeling coming over me again….that KNOT…that sadness…and the horrifying disbelief. It is so strange how sometimes I can be okay for a bit…and then suddenly crash into such pain and heartache…which usually lasts longer then the good spells. Anyway…thanks so much for talking to me.

I am not surprised by your friends reactions…”anti depressant comment” and all ! I have been thru alot of that in my life with people whenever something would go horribly wrong in my life. People made me feel so much worse…with their lack of understanding and stupid comments. Thus my decision to keep quite this time. You are lucky you have a supportive mom. My mom is not good like that. I have one sister who knows the truth…but she is so swamp busy with her own problems…she really can’t be there for me. But she is kind at least…when I do talk to her about it.

You are right…my guy did not like it when I called him out on stuff and most of the time he didn’t even think he did anything wrong !
But trust me when I say…he definitely did ! I have a high standard of treatment that I expect…so I’d always let him know whenever he was treating me less then I deserved or doing something hurtful. He would apologize…but then just continued to do the same…which is why I should have left him…but didn’t. So ultimately…I did end up compromising my standards.

I really think you are so right about them wanting their freedom more then a relationship. I think that is what it really boils down to.
Relationships require some responsibility…and they don’t want any.

For me…it is not so much the “effort” I put into the relationship that hurts so much…it is more the “belief” that I had invested in him and in the relationship. I never in a million years thought he would ever leave me…or would ever be capable of not being in love with me anymore. The fact that the unthinkable has happened…is what has crushed me. I realized today…that what I believed in my head…was on my end and not nescessarily on his…although I thought it was. He did many things to support my belief…but also many things that I can think of now…that would NOT support that belief. But I was too blind to see…or saw sometimes…but brushed it off as one of his moods.

Your first month sounds incredibly rough !! I have been able to function just a bit more then that…but only because I HAVE to. But sometimes I only make it through half a day before I start to turn into a complete useless sick wreck.

I may look back one day and say “what was I thinking” but I can not ever imagine myself not still loving him. I hope I am wrong…I reallllly do ! Cause he does not deserve for me to love him anymore…and it kills me that I still do.

You really have learned alot…and I believe you when you say the next guy will not be getting away with any shit. That is the way it should be…but once you are in love it gets so much harder to keep that foot down.

I finally listened to his phone message. It kept bugging me that it was there…and I had other messages…so I finally heard it. He did not sound that great…he said he “was calling to see how I was holding up…he hopes I am doing well (yeah right..as if)…and hopefully we will talk soon”.
What does he possibly think I have to talk to him about? That message was pretty much the same thing he would say thru out our entire relationship whenever we had a spat. Only this time…I know it means absoloutely nothing. He left that message a week ago…and has not called me since…so doubtful that he is really that interested in talking to me. He is just doing his duty with that message…that’s all.

I know you say this gets better…and you are certainly living proof of that…but when you are in it…it is so hard to believe. I am trying like hell though. But when that pain and devastation comes over me…it is SO intense…SO horrible….as you well know.

Today I think I missed him more then any other day so far. I kept having memories…the good ones…and I felt such longing for him. So sad…of course it made me cry…but I pushed on and reminded myself not to think of those things. I try to think about the bad stuff most of the time…to help me cope with the loss. And I try to keep myself busy and distracted. That seems to be the only way to not dwell on it constantly.

All I can do right now…is live one day at a time…and hope that I end up with more good moments then bad. You are right about the sleep…I have been doing alot of that…especially after a break down. I have to go to sleep and then get up and try again to do better.

I hate to sound like a broken record…but I wish so much this was not happening. I wish that more then anything.

You are so kind to be there for me Mimi…you are like a little gift from God….xo…Sincerely Tracy


I have to reiterate one thing you said in your last email that keeps striking me today….”Yes, it is absolutely UNBELIEVABLE that our guys can walk and be just fine”.
I keep thinking to myself….HOLY CHIT…he has left my life as if I had never existed. Mind Blowing.
Other then that…I am hanging in there. I think I am getting just a wee bit stronger.
Hope all is well…xo



HOLY CHIT AGAIN….lol…a few minutes after I wrote my last comment…I saw that he tried to call me ! How ironic ! ok…so maybe he has not completely forgotten about me…BUT….I am sure it means nothing.

Tracy have you checked emails only you never replied to the one I wrote to you and Mimi last week? Suggesting you be off line break up buddies?

In any event I saw that comment the other day and it of course sounded familiar – I hear it a lot but frankly they DO NOT forget about us. They may be DISTRACTED by budding new romances, new friends, new jobs, whatever – but it just SEEMS like it’s “out of sight out of mind” it’s not. Or at least it won’t be for long.

He’s NOT forgotten about you. There will be songs, shows, places, cars, or whatever that reminds him of you – even if he’s playing with a new toy (can’t remember if he has moved on or not?)

It’s honestly one of dumpees most common misconceptions or assumptions. Really it is not the case, it only FEELS like it is!

You wait…

Wonder what he wanted when he rang!


Hi Thea !! No….I never saw a comment from you suggesting Mimi and I go off site. SO SORRY ! I was in fact going to ask Mimi if she has a facebook account or email that we could use. I also think it is time to take this off site. I will wait for Mimi to respond to me. I appreciate you allowing us to talk this long ! She has been a wonderful support to me.
I do not know what he wanted when he rang. I have not listened to the message yet. I always get unnerved to do so as I am very fragile when it comes to anything he may say. But you are right….there will be alot of reminders for him…as there are for me.
Let’s hope all ends well…in terms of me becoming stronger…
Thanks again Thea for this site !! And God Bless all the future dumpees…may we ALL go on to bigger and better and more wonderful loves and lives !! xxoo


Well Thea…I listened to his phone message…and now I wish I hadn’t. THIS is why I fear them…cause I went from feeling fairly strong to being in a very painful state after hearing it. It was so generic…so meaningless…it broke my heart all over again ! All he said was that “he hopes I’m doing better” … that’s it ! Over a month apart…and that was all he felt to say! Devastating !! Just another confirmation that he really meant what he said when he said he was not in love with me anymore and that our relationship is done. GOD I WISH I HAD NEVER LISTENED TO THAT MESSAGE….this is why I can no longer expose myself to him. I wish I could change my cell phone number…since that is the only phone he still has access to. But I can’t. Feeling like I have to start all over again now…with a new knife in my heart 🙁


You’re not any further back than you were yesterday or day before – you only THINK you are.

If you get a GRIP on your thoughts you really will start to feel better.


Really? I mean really? I mean you’d rather be in total denial? Limbo?

I see his calling as kind. It shows he cares for you. Maybe not in the way YOU want him to but just like you he is doing the best he can with the skills / tools he’s got. No better or worse than any of us.

You are experiencing a set back and that is all. But this little call and his candor can actually cause you to heal faster because he’s cut that rope.

It’s time to buck up, face it and accept and move on.

You CAN expose yourself to him. It hurts yes but you’re surviving.

You’ll keep on doing so.

I wrote to you and Mimi both so somewhere you will have an email from me with her CC’d. If you’re receiving my alerts there is no real reason you shouldn’t have gotten the email direct from me?!

Be good if you can be some break up buddies and maybe start to help some other people here on the blog!

Cheers – bed time!

PS You’re doing fine. Repeat after me “I can handle it”. And you are!


Hi Thea…thanks so much for your response.
Let me just explain. It is certainly not that I want to stay in denial…(that would only prolong the grieving and healing process). It is that I do not want to keep RE-injuring myself as I am trying to heal. It was bad enough I had to hear it once…but to hear it over and over and over again in his phone messages…NO THANKS ! It hurts tooooo much. I already got the point…he’s done with me. I don’t need to keep kicking up the pain by listening to him. I understand he is trying to be kind. I get that. But HE does not understand just how badly he has hurt me! I do not owe him a response…or even to listen to what he has to say. I only owe myself whatever I need to be okay. His phone calls are to ease his guilt….but….they hurt me. So no…I will most definitely NOT be exposing myself to him. It is up to me to protect myself now…and that is what I plan to do. I will never interact with him until and if there will be NO pain involved for me. I have to do what’s best for me. He will not hear from me…see me…or know anything about me. HE made that choice…not me.
With that said…I would love to help others…and will check the site periodically to see if I can lend a heart and a hand to anyone going through this most horrible experience.
I am handling it…you are right…but it is not easy…it is torment. But I will survive…and God willing…I will THRIVE ! …xo !


p.s.s. It’s about a half hour later…and I have to say…your message is having a terrible affect on me. I have never had a stronger urge to call him up and cry my eyes out to him as I have tonight. Only I won’t…because what good would it do? I am trying so hard to keep myself together thru this daily pain…was feeling half way decent tonight (which is the best I usually get)…and now I feel devastated.
Buck up, Accept, and Move on…and…”he has cut that rope”…was a little too more then I could handle to hear. I guess I was trying to accept it in little bites so as not to send myself totally over the deep end as I feel now.

Well Tracy I am sorry my tough love set you back, not my intention of course. Not at all…

But you’re creating the vast majority of your misery about this now – down to your thinking. It may not be the solution for you but a few years ago a friend turned me on to Byron Katie’s works and she’s revolutionized the way I think about things. I am forever grateful for it too.

Even the words you use to vent on here I can see is actually CAUSING more pain. e.g. phrases like this: “with a new knife in my heart”

Man the words and descriptions are traumatic. I realise you’re in pain of course I do…but constantly repeating things like this over and over in your head – averse to say “I can handle it” when you start stressing out – would make a difference.

You’re hurt. You feel betrayed or whatever – that’s understandable when you lose a love but start talking to yourself like your best friend would or how you’d talk to your best friend.

You will bounce back from this, if you want to. You will be happy again. You will love again – should you chose to do so. Heck maybe even with him, but who knows? All you need to do is heal from this to benefit from it, for yourself – in whatever way that is.

As for the email – everyone who posts on this site HAS TO put in an email to post on here. If you send me an email to info at soyouvebeendumped dot com – I’ll forward on your address to Mimi who has written me back once or twice so I know hers is a valid email.

By all means keep posting – I wasn’t stopping you guys from that – but it seemed you guys were bonding quite well (will forward on the email I sent last week) and it’s nice to be able to speak more privately and intimately. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you posting on here!

If you had put in a valid email (the one here is a Yahoo address) – then you’d get notifications whenever I reply…Anyway hope your setback has past. I find that it helps to even say to myself “ok I feel shitty now but this is a setback and it will pass because everything does – the good and the less than good!

I certainly never use knife in heart analogies anymore…or any super intense words.

Words are very powerful and when we keep repeating things we make affirmations of them, so please be careful, and check out some Byron Katie on YouTube. She’s helped me more than anyone ever has done I think in terms of a mental shift. She’ll maybe help you too…?

Take care. x


Ha! One correction Thea…HE has caused the vast majority of the misery I am experiencing…I on the other hand…am just in charge of damage control…trying to survive what has happened.
I do not repeat mean things to myself….most definitely not. I do quite the opposite on a daily basis. I do, however, express my true and painful emotions when I post on here. Otherwise…what would be the point of even coming on?
Thank you for deleting my email address…I did not realize I would be putting my self in jeapardy when I did that…so I appreciate it. And thanks for the email…I did get it ! Don’t know why I did not receive anything prior.
I have listened to some of Byron Katie…and although I appreciate the concept…and feel it is useful…it is some times hard for me to sugar lolipop up what has happened. With that said…it is always my goal to remind myself of what a wonderful person I am. How rare…how precious…my personality traits are. I am also focusing on switching things up now…making some changes that will hopefull make my life feel different…and not stay in the same rut.
I have not heard from Mimi…I hope she is okay. Maybe all this was getting to her…which I would certainly understand.
Praying for recovery….and thanks…Tracy

You’re welcome to come on to vent anything at all hon. Of course you are.

We’re just at different stages and with different thought processes.

Also 12+ years of seeing this sort of emotion on the screen and 3 break ups of my own I do feel I’ve learned a thing or three about break ups. I don’t have the emotional thoughts as someone like you’re does so I can view it very differently now (not saying I didn’t feel / say ALL that you’re doing now when I went through mine)…Oh nelly.

It’s often said that 80 or 90% of our thoughts are negative and habitual so I would assume you were like the reset of in terms of having some of those!

It feels to me as though you take a lot of what I say defensively. You are certainly not the first to get irritated with my ways I can be sure you won’t be the last…but please know my hope for you (and everyone who comes on here) is to bounce back. To find a way to learn and grow from the experience and view it in the most positively light as humanly possible. EVENTUALLY.

That’s it in a nutshell. My wish for everyone here…that Pain Into Gain thing – in whatever it may mean to you. You’re just going through the process – like everyone else is here. No more or less. I get it.

While you had no say in how / when / where – the relationship ended, it has ended and now it’s up to you with what to do with that experience. So he’s no longer causing you pain in sense, just the thoughts about the situation are! Again, I realise this is not helping you now so for that I am sorry!

You’re healing a little bit more every day…since you don’t want to “re-inure” yourself with respect to him, you might consider sending him a wee note saying “thanks for that call, but really it’s too hard to hear from you now, so please do not contact me. When I feel I can handle contact, I’ll be in touch”. In your own words of course….

You’re doing grand. Just keep riding out the peaks and valleys. It’s all part of the process. Have a great weekend. x


OH NELLY….lol….I appreciate that Thea ! Yes…it is true…when we are so fresh in it…and the pain is so great…it is only normal to go through all those painful thoughts…emotions…and words. The reason I have felt a bit defensive…is because it is very hard when a person you loved and TRUSTED…drops a painful bomb on you…and then someone tells you that you are causing your own pain. Especially when…I am working my hardest to endure it…control it…and minimize it. I have only been at this for one month after all…not a year. At the same time…I do realize you are in a totally different place…with so much experience under your belt…and so much healing completed. That is where I want to be for sure ! And I think for the first time today…I started to see things in a tiny bit of a different light. Is the pain over…probably not…but I am begining to get far enough away from the forest to see the trees. I am also finding…that with every emotional break down…(when those intense waves of pain strike)…that
I am waking up the next day just a little bit stronger.
I appreciate your suggestion to drop him a note…but believe it or not…I can not even do that right now. I will know when the time is right for me…and I won’t force anything before that. He did what was right for him…and now I have to do was is right for me. I am sure the day will come…it is just not now.
I truly do plan to gain as much from this break up as I possibly can. It is for sure a motivater to start paying better attention to my life and where I would like to head. Today I was even thinking that I should view it as a new adventure…
Well here’s hoping !! Think I’ll go cry now…(lol…just kidding…but maybe not…I never know what I will experience from one hour to the next !)….XO…Thanks Thea !


Hi Thea. It’s been awhile…so I just thought I would update you. I finally…after 2 months of no contact…(and after receiving many phone messages and notes from my ex)….broke down and called him. Unfortunatly…I did so…on a day I was in in terrible pain…and broke my own rule. I was an emotional wreck on the phone…told him how much pain I was in…but regardless…he proceeded to tell me all the (many insulting) reasons why he did not want to be with me. He was again…very cruel.

He still claims to love me…but not in love with me. Anyway…as much as I regret allowing him to see just how devastated I truly am…I on the other hand…am happy to finally have closure. That call removed any false hope or denial.

Since then…I have continued to grieve….but now…I do so knowing that this is really the end. His messages and letters really kept me hanging on….but that is no longer the case. So I feel free now…free to finish riding out my emotions…and move on.

I also realize that his cruel ways are not something I want in my life. He said so many unnecessary hurtful things and many half truths. He has many a warped perception that has more to do with his issues then with me.

I take full responsibility for allowing the relationship to go on too long…long after he started being unkind. That aspect of it is totally my fault. During the conversation…he talked out of both sides of his mouth and contradicted himself almost constantly. He in many ways made no sense to me. So that’s that.

Although I still grieve…I am allowing for that…rolling with it…and working thru this little by little. I have my better moments as well. My advice to anyone out there going through this…is to not add the extra burden of being mad at yourself for not getting over it quickly enough. You only grieve as deep as you loved…but I will be happy when I am no longer affected by this. I’m working on it…xo…best of luck to all…

Tracy! Thanks for the update. I am sorry it didn’t go as well as you’d have hoped and that he chose to be cruel. I’ve had those kinds of exes too and thought it hurts in some ways it helps us move on even quicker when it is a harsh severing like that.

Though you sounds down you sound resolved and good as well.

He has his perception and you have yours. It’s the same for all of us. We have no control over how anyone else perceives us or our relationship or what have you.

However your perceive me for instance is right – for you. You know? Someone else will perceive me differently. Heck I probably perceive me differently. As I always say “perspective is a mirror, not a fact”.

So in my own opinion, and with no disrespect, his perceptions aren’t wrong – just different to yours. All you can do is perhaps take on board what he said (even the stuff you felt inaccurate) and weigh it up yourself or share it with friends and discuss it.

I don’t really get offended by anything ANYONE says about me. As I’ve often said on here – whatever they say they’re right…but I also know I can find evidence the opposite is also true.

When someone does share something with me I don’t like – it stings for a bit – but then I can go inside myself, see if I can find it, and more or less thank them for pointing that out to me! I adopt more of a “thank you for sharing that” type attitude rather than try to “defend” myself against it.

Our EGOS hate hearing things like that though eh? We immediately switch to defensive mode, justify our actions or words, etc…

I had a sitch with a woman a few months back. I barely knew her but I really liked her. I actually thought we would become fine friends. But we had very different expectations and given one slight misdemeanor which she took very personally she read me the riot act. It hurt me quite a bit to be honest, I discussed it with friends, I processed what she said. Accepted what I could from her viewing of the situation and wrote a chunk of it off too. She was right – from her standpoint. But only that. She made all kinds of accusations of how I must only want “shallow” friends or something. She’d been with me for a matter of hours, didn’t really know me, how could she know what sort of friends I am seeking?

But people think they’re justified in labeling us, pointing out our faults (which again depend on the person), and criticizing us. And I guess that’s their perogative – we’ve no control over it – all we can do is grow and learn from it. You know?

Maybe he was all wrong. Maybe he wasn’t. It doesn’t so much matter what HE thinks of you – it matters what YOU THINK OF YOU. You’re the one that has to live with you 🙂

I say this as much to myself! I went through a little blip with a guy I’d met and it didn’t work out…and I often blame myself or make other guy’s opinions more valuable than my own. Or the other thing I do is I get so worried about some guy liking me and being bummed if he doesn’t that I don’t actually concentrate on whether or not I even like them.

We’re all complex creatures. We are all fighting our own dragons on a daily basis. Me. You. Even your ex…

So we gotta have empathy when we feel people are being “cruel” or not behaving the way we think they should (again I say this to myself!) 🙂

We’re all works in progress. Glad to hear your update! {*.*}


Hi Thea 🙂 I was happy to see your response. I agree with so much of what you have said. His perception of me…is just that…his perception. Although I can see some of his points…and in alot of ways “get it”….the points are soooooooo one sided…leave out such important details and reasons for things…are not completely true…and in no way take into consideration his role in things.

Also…in my humble opinion…alot of his issues with me are such “trivial” things…that in no way should get in the way of true love. So I just have to conclude that he did not love me enough to accept me with my imperfections. There are lots of things about him that were very hard to deal with…but they never caused me to not be in love with him anymore. And never would have.

In general…I am not a person who is fond of people who choose to be cruel…when there are so many kinder options. I personally…would never go that route. If I had been the one to end things with him…I would have been careful not to make it harder on him then it had to be. The pain of a loss is hard enough…no need to make it worse by being hurtful. But that’s just me.

You are right…as sad as I still can be…I am on a better road. His harsh words have helped me to see who I am really dealing with…and as much as I still love him and always will….his ways…are just not healthy for me. I wish it was not so….but it is.

Whatever points he did make that were valid…I can and will take them into consideration. But at the same token…I am me…and I have to live authentically as me. I can not live according to what someone else thinks I “should” be. I have to be with someone who loves me just the way I am…give or take a few fair and reasonable tweakings here and there…lol. I always treated him well…showed him tons of love and appreciation…helped him in any way I could…adorrrrrred him…and all those important things. So I know I did my best.

In reference to the woman who read you the riot act…I am sorry that happened. Even she could have taken a kinder approach. There are ways of telling people how you feel with out “totally” flipping out on them. Many times…things can be “just” a misunderstanding. I apologize for being so hypersensitive to some of your responses. I was REALLY hurting at the time. I know you understand.

It does only matter what “I” think of me. Thank goodness I have a strong foundation of healthy love for myself…or my ex’s actions and words would have completely destroyed my self esteem.

As far as other guys…I have not put myself back out there yet…so I have not had to deal with any of that. I am pretty sure I am not going to be too concerned about what they think of me. As always…I am just going to BE ME. When and if rejection comes…it will hurt…but if I have survived THIS most unexpected…heartwrenching break up…everything else will be small potatoes by comparison…lol.

Despite everything…I do in fact have empathy for my ex…and the things that he struggles with. I just wish he had more empathy for me. Maybe he does in his heart….but he does not express it as such. Or at least he is not consistent.

By the way….he called me today (first time since our conversation). I did not answer the phone and I blocked my machine from allowing him to leave any messages. This is what I mean about him…he is so confusing. I am sure…once again…he is just checking on me…but still…which is it? Are you kind and concerned….or mean and cruel? He can’t seem to make up his mind. Either way…I think it’s time for him to leave me alone now.

Well…off into the wild blue yonder I go Thea…and as always…thank you…xo


Well…so much for leaving me alone. He showed up at more door this morning to check on me after the New York storm. Rang my bell…I opened the door but I was cold as ice. I was like a deer caught in the head lights. It was SO hard to see him after so long. I kept it as breif as possible. That had better be the last time he bothers me…cause he keeps disrupting my healing process.


Curious to know if you have healed yet Tracey?


This past summer I met up with my high school boyfriend (13yrs-17yrs old) at our 30th HS Reunion. I had no intentions of rekindling anything, but he pursued me all weekend, came to see me one state over for 5 weekends in a row and our relationship grew from there. I was over the moon. He was always the one.

We are both divorced now and his children are older than mine. They are in college and mine are still in school. My youngest is in elementary school and has disabilities caused from a brain tumor when he was very young (benign tumor but has shunt and learning issues related to the tumor). This causes me a great deal of stress as his father is not very involved with his health issues, which is one of the main reasons we divorced. Just recently it was discovered that he has major impairments that are irreversible and I’m trying to fully grasp that he will have these issues for the rest of his life. He is a wonderful boy, and full of life, and I know he will be OK, but the stress of this has caused me a great deal of pain, I haven’t been sleeping and have just not been myself. Very distracted, easily irritated, etc.

I went to see my boyfriend in November (where he lives) because I had a work trip near his home. I had a hotel room the first night and the second night I was going to stay with him. I got a late start on the first day because of a work crisis (I’m a counselor). I called him to say that I was running late and he truly seemed like he was trying to talk me out of coming…He told me it was going to take me hours because of traffic, he then said the following night (when I was supposed to stay with him) he had to pick up his daughter at college (not asking me to go with him…just said he had to go pick her up) and that there was snow storm coming…etc. My response was, “Well, this day is getting better and better…but I’ll just go home Sat. night since you won’t be around and will beat the storm” He just said “OK, call me when you get here”. I said I would and when we got together, he was very distant and seemed angry. I was not angry when I got there. I had time to think while I was driving and figured it was OK if I just saw him one night…I was really…I am really…in love with this man. But he would not let things go. He got to my hotel room and was saying that I was ‘aggravated’ and ‘had to be annoyed with the traffic’. I was neither. I was hurt that he seemed like he didn’t want to see me and had been trying to talk me out of coming, even though I couldn’t cancel the trip because it was a work thing…We went to dinner…he was very quiet and again, seemed agitated. When I would try and talk to him, it was one word answers and just very cold. We went to a bar after dinner and I said to him, “Why are you being so distant, what is wrong?” He flatly told me, “It’s not me, it’s you. You are the one who is being different. Not me.”
I honestly don’t think it was me. I honestly was trying to put it behind us and just be OK…but he was intent on being miserable and I told him so. He said he was under a lot of pressure at work and we talked about it for almost an hour. I listened to him, I empathized with him and we left that bar. He drove me back to the hotel and I thought he’d just drop me off…that’s how annoyed he seemed. But he came up to the room anyway and we continued to talk about things. I was exhausted…I hadn’t slept in literally two days and I was literally falling asleep as he sat in a chair and I lied on the bed. We weren’t discussing anything to do with “us” … it was about his family, my family, things that we discussed with each other at great length in the past…it was just our normal discussion…things we talked about all the time and used each other as sounding boards. He eventually got into the bed and I changed in the bathroom and then got into bed. We made love…it was great. We never had sex while we were in high school..even though we had been together for so long…so when we finally had sex when we got together over the summer…it was pretty intense. We had a real connection…or so I thought…? Anyway, we fell asleep and in the morning, he woke me up asking me “when I wanted to get going, etc….” I said that we should get going soon and I told him I was glad he stayed the night because I thought he was going to just drop me off. He actually said, “Yeah, I’m glad I stayed too because this is the most comfortable mattress I’ve ever slept on”. My heart just sank. It did. But I just said, “Yeah, it is really comfortable.” He got up and took a shower. We went out to lunch and then he brought me around to show me places that I needed to see for work.

It was strained, he was still being distant, but I didn’t say anything to him. I kept trying to get him to come around by being silly, by being funny ( I am pretty funny and always made him laugh) but he wasn’t really coming around. So he dropped me off and gave me a brief hug and I drove home. The storm was starting and it took me 5 hours to get home instead of 2 hours. I texted him when I got home saying I hoped he made it home OK after his trip to get his daughter. He texted back that it was fine and they were just hanging out. I replied that I was glad and I was hanging out with my oldest son too. I texted him in the morning, as we one of usually does and didn’t get a response. I then asked him through another text if he could please call me later so we could talk.

He called that night and conversation lasted 12 minutes. I asked him how he was and he told me he had to shovel a few driveways (his parents, his ex-wife’s house, his own driveway..etc) and was tired. I listened and then said, “Well, I feel badly because I know this weekend…last night…kind of sucked and I felt bad about it and didn’t like just leaving it unspoken about and was sorry…he replied, “Yeah, it wasn’t great. You are different. You have anger issues and a temper. If things don’t go your way, you act different. I don’t know if this behavior has worked for you in the past when you don’t get your way, but it’s not going to work with me. I was appalled by your behavior and would have left you at the bar but didn’t because you didn’t know where you were. I knew I felt this way at the bar at the end of the night but didn’t say anything.” I replied, “So…you felt this way last night…at the bar…and you still came back to my hotel room and slept with me anyway?? Do you think that was a good idea?” He said, “Yeah, I know. I did and shouldn’t have. It’s over. ” We said a few more things, nothing major…I can’t really remember because I was so shocked, but I remember telling him I didn’t think I was that angry, I was just telling him how I felt and that I didn’t think it was me that was the angry one that night…etc.” He just said, “Whatever, this conversation is over” and we hung up. He then texted me, “Don’t call or text me anymore, OK? Thank you.”
That was it.

He actually wrote and sent that text to me.

I replied, “No worries. And thank you.”

But I was so frustrated. I then texted him and told him he wasn’t being fair and that I didn’t feel like he wanted me there for the weekend and I was really upset.” He didn’t reply.

I then texted him about 5 times that week, going into details about why I may have been acting different (although he knew about my son and about the information I just gotten the week before…) and nothing. I haven’t heard anything from him and it’s been 3 weeks.

I know (especially after writing this out) that it sounds like I’m just being stupid and should forget this man and move on…that he is a jerk and doesn’t understand that communication goes both ways…etc…but I just can’t seem to get over this hurt I’m feeling. I feel so betrayed and let down. I’m just going through the motions in my life right now and missing him so much. We told each other everything…everything. And I miss his friendship. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss everything that came back to me, that he just cut off so swiftly.

He is a very intense person. I was always the quieter one in the relationship. He was and is very outspoken and opinionated. I was more reserved and level headed. I think now that we are adults and have grown up, I have a voice and he sometimes doesn’t want to hear it. He just wants me to comply and agree with him. But I can’t. Especially when I feel like I don’t even know what I did to make him so angry and hurt that he’d do such a thing as to ask me to never contact him again? I’m really hurting right now and need advice. Should I try and contact him again or just do my best to move on?

He is very complex and I guess I am too, and maybe it’s best that we are not together given that he can’t seem to get over a misunderstanding that he made into a bigger deal? Or maybe I did or said something that I don’t realize that hurt him so deeply that he would do this…but he won’t respond so I don’t know if that’s the case. Please let me know what you’re thoughts are…I am really confused and missing this man that I love and need some direction and guidance. Thank you for listening and reading this long, drawn out saga…I know it sounds crazy…but for anyone out there who has loved a man for over 30 years and reads this…maybe you would understand…? Am I crazy? Am I being foolish to think he ever wanted to get back together?

That was a cracken story. Truly. Confusing. Upsetting. Frustrating Sad.

Stop contacting him completely. Remove him from your phone. Be grateful that you had someone who you could share things with. He’s a symbol that you’ll have that again. Preferably with someone who will be closer and more available in every sense of the word. For whatever reason this one isn’t.

Take on board his comments – take a hard look at yourself – and if ANY OF IT was justified then vow to work on that in the future. If it wasn’t just chalk it up to his opinion and perspective. Write it off as just that.

You hang in there. You’ll heal and move on from this and the whole pain will fade. It just wasn’t the fairy tale you might have imagined (I’ve done similar by the way…reconnecting with old flames from many moons gone by) but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t for your highest good.

If you really love him, wish him well (mentally) and move on to find someone who shares your level of feelings and commitment and who totally appreciates and loves you. OK?

Make the best of 2014. Eyes forward now, not back. x


Hi Thea,
I have a long and heart filled story, that i need serious help with.
My ex Austin an I started dating back in April of 2012. In the month of April is was amazing he was everything i was looking for and plus plus more. I guess its safe too say i was head over heels and still am for him. In April of 2012 we dated for a month and he broke up with me. He and I didnt talk, nor see eachother for 3 months. The end of July 2012 he text me out of thee clear blue, which sent me soring on cloud 9 haha. I was so happy and excited and felt ever wonderful feeling you could imagine. He said ” Hey can we talk,” so i waited for a little bit, because i didnt want to seem that desparate, knowing how i really felt was heck yes i wanna talk haha, but i didnt i waited for a couple of minutes and reviewed myself on what would be best for me. I felt like I could talk to him, but keep a strong shell over me, so he cant try anything to manipulate me. We talked for like 6 hours that night about everything. Telling eachother how we felt and what we want and how we are going to handle the relationship if there is a problem. He was so understanding and heart filled and loving. He didnt begg me to be with him because of the way he worded things and his body language, but i knew he wanted me just by looking into his eyes and how he held my hands. How badly i wanted to say yes i so wanna be with you haha, i didnt i kept my hard shell and i told him he needs to work on it and prove to me he wants me and not just one thing. Well i told myself that id give it a couple of months but of course becuase i missed being his so badly, i told him one night when we came home from Dorney Park Amusement Park, that i would love too be his forever. I will never forget the happiness in his eyes, in his smile, or face. He hugged me so hard i couldnt breathe haha nor tell him too please let go a little haha. He kissed me like it was his first and last kiss. Our relationship was awesome, as i thought it was. Its like after 2 months he like flipped a switch and turned into a monster. The day it happened ive been fighting for us to be together, Iknow i shouldnt of, but he was the only only guy i ever opened up to about my feelings, past, and what i want in the future. He even went out of his way to make sure i graduated college, so he knew atleast one of of us will make it in this crazy world, if one of us lost our job. When the day Hurricane Sandy hit I was admitted into the hospital for a cyst that burst. Austin was there thru it all with me held my hand thru the pain, made sure i had fluids becuase i could eat or drink, he litterally picked me up took me and helped me in the restroom, he was there with thru all the hurtful tests, he came home with too make sure i was ok, and then spent the entire week with me just too make sure i had everything i needed, i was taking my medication for the pain, and also too make sure i was ok. At the time he was doing all these caring things for me, and him knowing i was very thankful for it, he started too become a monster before the hospital situation, so im so confused how he could be so rude too me and then do all the care and loving things for me after i got out of the hospital. I tried to talk to him about it, but it was like talking to a wall. Which i dont understand becuase he always loved too just sit down and talk too me about anything and everything. He rather of done that than spend money on going out. In December 2012 he like completely pushed me away and me i tried my hardest to save us. He was so rude and mean and disrespectful towards me. He tried his hardest too manipulate me, and control me, which is some things i was ok with but most i wasnt and i stuck by myself and didnt change. I found out in December of 2012 i was 4 weeks pregnant to him. He didnt believe me and so we went too the doctors together and he found out for himself i was very much pregnant. The look on his face was like ” Oh shit, damn now what,” but he reacted differently after the doctor told him how far along i was. His reaction was so happy, so excited , so full of life. But soon after that he became a monster again. Its like he didnt want anything to do with me or his child. He started threatening me to the point i grew scared, so i had the police involved. He was charged with harrassment charges and sentenced to probation ofr 9 months as of September 2013. But before that he sent me letters, and called me bawling, his friends calling me saying you r the only one that can save him. My parents showed me how i should b angry for how treated me, because it was only a few weeks after he started threatening me i lost the baby. I listened to my parents about everything on how i should feel and what i should think and what to do to move on, but in the end i didnt listen to my heart. After a year i am still madly in love with him, i still cry myself to sleep and i cry in the morning, i cant stop thinking about him. I feel like a weak person. I would love to talk to him but i cant because of the circumstances with the court. Hes off probation in June of this year, and after that i would be able too talk to him. I just dont know if i should take that step to talk to him, i guess im worried what he would say, or how he would hurt me emotionally. How can i do it with out hurting my parents, and should i consider how my parents feel about me wanting to talk, becuase i dont consider it now and i kind of feel like a bad daughter for it. Over all i just need advice on everything. 🙁


This blog was very insightful and I agree with all of it. However, I am asking on advise about a different type of letter to an ex (“Dan” in my case). Dan and my relationship ended recently. There was no blame, but rather our timing was off. He was not ready for a serious long-term commitment. As much as I love him, I know this is the fact of the matter. That and the fact that…I am ready for a serious long-term commitment. So anyway, in the time that we have been dating, Dan became my best friend, my closest confidant, and a true role model to a degree. He lost his father 4 years ago, mine 2, and he was the first person I felt comfortable opening up to about this.

Anyway…I suppose my question is this: would it be wrong for me to send him a letter with zero intention of begging, fixing, complaining, blaming, coercing, manipulating, etc ect. But rather one expressing my deep appreciation for him and the role he’s played in my life this far.

How often do we have a page full of genuine, heartfelt compliments to look at. I am a nurse, and in all honesty…why wouldn’t I want him to feel good. Even if it pumps up his ego…it should! He is a great guy. I am in no way expecting the letter to bring us back together or expecting a reply. I just think he deserves to hear it.

I would really appreciate your thoughts.
All my best,

I am all for a letter of gratitude and heart felt emotions being expressed if you’re truly doing them genuinely to say “thank you” and not as some sort of manipulation. Sometimes we say we aren’t expecting a result but deep down we really are. We can lie to ourselves easily. I also think this letter can be done in a way to not simply “pump up his ego” or whatever.

I would say yes write. Write it anyway and then you can sit on it for the 48 hours and if you still feel inclined to send then send it. Good luck x


This would be my letter. Odd?

“I know for you everything has already been said and done.
You assumed all these things…

My feelings were so painful and confusing. Such feelings leeched and bled into what “relationship” I had. I had to let him go. I don’t think I could ever turn back. All I can do is find a way to put back together these pieces and make them fit.

I’ll admit I was the crazy one. “


We have not seen each other since the begining of July. I think the last time we were in contact was the begining of August. It is his birthday in a few days and I really want to contact him. Everytime I wrote a letter I felt it too harsh. So I wrote a poem. I wrote this a week ago, have been finessing the poetry not the message, except where I thought it too harsh of course. I am trying to let go. Though I really don’t want to.
Would love some feedback, yes or no?

I love you
I miss you.
I fell for you
The night we met
By that week’s end
I was your addict.
Your arms around me
couldn’t get my fill.
It was not one way
We craved each other
We hated being apart.
I know it’s true
We dreamed of travelling
In our safari suits,
You planned
We had fun,
Me and you.
Remember 3am?
We helped each other fly.
Together nothing could get us down

As suddenly as you appeared,
You would disappear
Each time breaking my heart,
To ever smaller parts.
Just as I was healing
You would come,
Declare your love,
Then disappear again.
I hesitated this time.
You came with such sincerity.
You knew what you wanted now
This would be different
You would show me how.
I opened my still fragile heart.
Then once again,
You disappeared.
No explanation.
Leaving it to my
Over active imagination.

I have shed an ocean of tears,
Written a thousand pages.
Words in anger,
Of love
Concern, despair and hope.
Through all of this,
I have loved you.
Truly, madly, deeply.
And love you still.
You are my last thought
As I fall to sleep.
The first as I wake.
I tried to keep channels open
But each attempt,
Met with contempt,
Sorry I took so long.
To understand your intent
I was baffled.
I think I get it now.
Though I guess
I will never know the reason why.
I will heed your wish.
You know my promise is my word.

Because I love you,
Madly, Truly, Deeply,,
Though this is not my want,
And it is so very hard to do.
My gift to you,
On this,
Your special day,
I will do as I surmise you want,
Despite my deepest wishes
And so very hard to do.
I will say goodbye.
My love
Love of my life
The only one I want.
I wish you sweet life.
Happy Birthday

thanks in advance for you feedback

Hey Gilmourgirl,

I like the poem, and clearly you put a lot into it, but the main questions are: 1. What will you do if your ex doesn’t reply at all? It won’t feel good, to say the least. 2. What will you do if your ex does? 3. What are you hoping to get out of this? I think if you look back in a year, you very well may regret sending this, especially if the response isn’t what you want.


Thanks for replying Josh.
What I want and what I expect are two different things. Ofcourse I want to be with him, always have. What I expect, is nothing except knowing that he knows how I feel with no ambiguity. Will it make me feel better? I hope a little feeling of closure but really nothing will help me but time, I know that.
I wanted feedback because I wanted to make sure it didn’t sound like I was begging, or angry, I want to know if others can read the message. I just want him to understand (should he actually read it ofcourse) and that I have done all I could. If my best aint good enough ce sera.
Again thanks for your support Josh. It helps, my best girlfriend who helps me through this stuff died last year so I am dealing with this on my own, which doesn’t help ofcourse. It’s good to know people care enough to respond.

Any time! On a blog, I know how much comments and replies mean. Going back over the poem again, I wonder what his reaction to the second and third sections will be. Those do sound like you’re angry and bitter because you don’t like what he’s put you through. If I was the recipient of this poem, I would probably respond with something very short such as “thanks,” or something to that effect, so I would definitely prepare for that. As a general rule, if a guy wants to get in contact with you, he’ll make it happen, somehow, some way. The fact that you two haven’t communicate at all in two months, since early July, is not a good sign. I am really sorry to hear about your best girlfriend. Here’s to hoping for the best.

My two cents GilmoreGirl?

I say unless you dated a poet who would truly appreciate a poem, keep it to yourself. Start writing a collection of them, for you, but not to send to your EX.

In my own experience, and again, I don’t know you or your ex, I find that guys don’t typically tend to do great with women’s heart-felt-emotional-outpourings – be they poems, letters, conversations or otherwise!

Sure, write if you want, even send it if you want but only if you don’t care what he thinks or if he doesn’t reply at all. If you really are to the point you could handle being ignored, or as Josh said “Thanks” then by all means go for it, but again – I say why not create a poetry book of all sorts of your feelings not just an ode to your ex. I’ve seen many site members do so over the years – some even published them…

That’s my gut. Write but write for yourself just now. To get all of the feelings out of your head and onto the page/screen. It’s cathartic. But do it for YOUR healing. Your sanity. Your growth. Best, Thea

PS: I reckon Gilmore Girls is one of the best shows ever made. 🙂

Howard C

Hi Everyone,

This blog and everyone’s comments have been very encouraging for me, even though our (breakup)experiences are different. I am in very deep pain & grief now. I am having sleepless nights, will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, have not eaten for days.
I broke up with my girlfriend 4 days ago. She asked me to leave her apartment, packed and returned all my stuffs to me. It is all too sudden and a shock for me, knowing that just 1 week ago, we were still together.

We stayed together sometimes, travel to many places together, had many good times. We were even thinking of getting a house together and get married (we both had Recently she told me that she felt that she was not good enough for me and that she felt we are moving too fast and felt pressure (I regretted not recognising this warning sign then), even though she said I was a good and kind boyfriend for her. She keep feeling sorry and I try to re-assure her that she is a good girlfriend for me and no need to compare herself to others and I asked her not to feel pressure.

After an arguement we had last Friday (which is my fault), she broke down and cried. She cried till Saturday and told me to leave her apartment, that she want to have a distance from me, needs to be alone. She told me she wants to break up and we cannot be couple anymore.

Before I left her apartment (I did not want to leave, but I knew that is best at that time), I stayed beside her and tried to hug her as much as I can, kiss her forehead, reassuring her that I am always here for her when she needs me. I also told her I love her and thank her for everything. She told me she cannot tell me now if she love me. I told her ok, no need to worry and not to think so much. All she told me was “Thank you for everything”

I told her I will wait but she ask me not to say that as it will make her feel pressured. I said “I love you” but she did not reply. After that day, she did not send me any messages.

When I sometimes email to ask her how she is, or encourage her to have her meals properly etc. told her she can always contact me if she wants to, that I am like her Sunlight, far but feel near. She will only say “thank you”, “take care of yourself”.

I try to show her that I am ok (so she will not worry), but i am suffering inside I am trying now not to send any messages to her even though deep down inside me I want to. I know I need to give her space. It pains me that she did not message me. Everyday, I am just waiting for her email…

There are times when I am struggling very badly that I feel that I need to be strong and not give her worries by emailing her msgs like “I miss you”, “lets get back together”, “I need you”, “please do not break up” at least not for now. But will TRY NOT TO contact her as I do not want her to worry or feel bad.

I am crying every day (but have to put on a smile because of my work).

I cry myself to sleep everyday, waiting for her contact that never come, in fear of the future that she will never come back or she meet someone new (and many other fears).

I am having sleepless nights, will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, have not eaten for days.

I have never blame or feel anything negative towards her. All I can feel towards her is gratitude and for her happiness (this feeling has remained since first day we met)

I am now writing a letter to her.

I will follow the 48 hour rule (even 72 hour rule, smile). If it takes me 2-3 months to write this letter, I will wait. I do not want to rush to send the letter now, because I know that anything that is send in impulse is not good.

I will compile and write out my thoughts and true feelings, a little at a time, every day. I want to tell her how I really feel and I am grateful to her. I want to tell her she is a good girlfriend. I want to tell her how wonderful she is for me.

I regretted not telling my true feelings when we were together.

She do not know how much happiness she brought to my life and the many mountains that she helped me to climb…I want her to know that.

I am a Buddhist so I keep her photo behind Buddha photo, at least that ease the pain of seeing her photo now and know that she is safe with the Buddha (good idea isn’t it smile)

Sorry for the long message. I am in pain. Help……

Thanks everyone for reading…

Hi Howard,

What follows might be some tough love, but I hope it helps. First, that one argument was not the reason you broke up, so you can’t beat yourself up about it. And if it was the reason you broke up, which I know it isn’t, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship to begin with. This, in all likelihood, has been building for quite some time. She wanted to end it, she didn’t just do it on a whim.

It’s great that you still care about her and you seem like a great person. I’ll admit it, I still care about my ex more than I’d like to admit, but it’s not nearly as much as in the early days. The early days are going to be painful and you are experiencing the symptoms many of us had post-breakup: trouble sleeping, awkward relationship with food, tough time focusing and finding the joy in life, etc.

You have to stop contacting her at all. She doesn’t want to be with you and she’s made that clear. At this point, any communication is not sending a good message. When you say that you’re okay or ask her how she is, it isn’t exactly pulling her back in, it’s pushing her away more. If you take the time away from her to review your relationship, you will see the signs and the red flags. There always are. I can see it in your opening paragraphs. Cut off all communication immediately. Don’t stalk her social media, don’t text or email or anything else. If you keep contacting her, you’re just going to be extending both her pain and yours. She doesn’t want to get back together with you. She knows your feelings, and if she wants to contact you or get back together, she’ll let you know. She’s got your contact information. As far as her “worrying” goes: she’s a big girl, she’ll be fine. It’s you that you have to worry about, because she’s doing what’s right for her and you need to do the same.

If I could go back and change only one thing, and I think everyone will agree with me, it would be to not text her and to communicate with her as little as possible from the get go. I know it is all throughout SYDB, but Thea should probably post a new “Things We All Regret and Wish We Could Change about the early days” or something like that. It’s on here, just scattered and I can’t remember where all of the good tips are, since there are far more than just the “10 Tips to get over it” post on this site. There are tons of gold nuggets.

In any case, I know how hard it is and how much of a void you now have that she left, but you have to stop trying to reach out to her. It’s that important. I know you can do it. I went from exchanging over 5,000 texts a month with my ex to zero and we lived together for over a month after the break up of our engagement, so I know you have it in you.

Definitely keep us updated and see what else SYDB has to offer. Best of luck to you!

Howard C

Hi Josh
Thanks very much for your reply and advice
I will try my best not to contact her.
I agreed with you that by contacting her now, it will only extend her confusion, suffering and pain, and I do not want her to suffer.
Do you think she still love me? Sorry to ask that but I cannot stop thinking about this…
One week ago from today was the “last dinner” she cooked for me. It pains me so much.
I have been through many hurts, so I will try to survive this.
I been through an attempted suicide when I was 18 yrs old (I am 38 yrs old now), had a divorced 2 years ago, many many hurts and lost.
My ex girlfriend is the first true love I had after my divorce.
Looking back, in the few relationships I had in the past I can say now that my ex- wife and my ex- girlfriend (who broke up last Saturday) was the 2 most special and wonderful persons in my life.
All I can ever feel for them is gratitude.
I know it might not sound normal, but I have never feel bitter or hate to anyone in my past relationships. (maybe being a Buddhist helps me in this way)
If anything negative I can feel is that I was an asshole ex-husband and a selfish, bad ex-boyfriend.
I felt that I hurt too many people in my life (not just the 2 special person I mentioned)
Since the breakup, I have been writing down my thoughts and feelings every day, like a journal or diary. In a way, I am writing it to and for myself. I would also like to send the letter to her, not to make her feel bad or negative. Just want to tell her my true feelings
Can I send the letter to her one day? I am not thinking of sending it now or even next week or the week after. I will send it when I am recover and ready, a few months later….and following the 48 hours rule. I know NOW IS NOT the time to send the letter.
In a way, the letter is a letter of gratitude for her. I am not sending the letter to beg her or to ask her to come back.
And I know that after sending that, my soul will be at ease….
Please feel free to share everyone what you think and feel about I have said

Thanks again


Hi Howard,

Is it fair to say you might be mourning more than one relationship now? It seems like there are quite a few unresolved feelings about the past. While no one, except for her, can know if she still loves you, I can tell you that she still thinks about you. It’s too new for her not to. Now, just because our exes might think about us, doesn’t mean they want to be with us. If they did, they would do it.

As more time goes by and you can separate yourself from this emotional attachment to the relationship, you’ll start seeing it much more clearly. As far as if you should send the letter eventually, well, that is up to you, but I would say hold on to it for at least a couple of months, ideally more, before you think about sending it. If you’re going along smoothly, you won’t want to send it. Down the line, if you want to send a gratitude letter, then okay, but definitely hold off for a long while.

It’s great that you’re journaling. It helps. And you can track your progress, as Thea is fond of saying. Keep journaling, look back at it in a month or two, and you’ll see how far you’ve come.

You say you don’t have anger or bitterness towards anyone, which is great, but re-read what you wrote. It certainly looks as if you are very hard on yourself for what you perceive as wrongdoing. You have to forgive yourself for the past. Beating yourself up about what happened twenty years ago or even five years ago isn’t going to help you now. You’ve got to forgive yourself, learn from the experience, and be okay. You are giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt, it seems, except for yourself. Here you are, comforting your ex and trying to make sure she is okay, while she is the one who should probably be checking on you.

You just got divorced two years ago, and you got into another serious relationship and you’re only 38! You’re going to be okay, it just doesn’t look like it right now.

Howard C

Hi Josh
Thanks again for replying, much appreciated my friend!
Yes, I need to learn to forgive myself. Many people also told me to take things easy and not carry all burdens by myself
Yes, I probably have unsolved feelings. Not sure if I am mourning for more than one.
I still have memory of my suicide 20 years ago, but no more pain for sure. Do I want to go through the same pains again before I attempted suicide 20 years ago, hell no! But if I ask myself if I am grateful for the experiences, I am very grateful because the suicide has helped to mould me to be kinder, more compassionate for people, and have empathy. My outlook of life and people changed because of my suicide, all for the positive.
I married when I was 22 years old, my ex-wife was also my very first girlfriend in my life. The marriage lasted for 12 years. We both ended it mutually (but honestly the marriage ended because of the wrongs I had committed, not trying to push all blame to myself here, but if you were to know the true reasons behind the divorce, everyone would agree that I was an Axxhole…). We continue to be good friends (we are both practicing Buddhists) and keep in contact even now, so there was not so much pain.
My ex- girlfriend was my second serious and real relationship in my life
I did had a few short time relationships in the past with a few people, but they will either not right morally and not healthy (I will not go details here). I would not even want to call those relationships… I do not even feel so much pain in those “relationships”

Now you can see why I am so hurt and feel so much pain from my ex girlfriend.

Thanks again for listening.



Hi, I was just wondering if I could have some advice. I was thinking of sending my ex of recent, a letter regarding my feelings and I guess to get some closure. We have been separated for a week now, and last night I drafted a letter for him, though I haven’t sent it as I’m still upset and shocked about the whole thing.

We met a year ago through a mutual friend and we hit it off extremely well. It felt like we had known each other for a lot longer than we did. After a couple of months of being together, he had to go back to start his next year of university 3 hours away from our home city. It was hard as we had only been together for a short period of time, but we both decided to make it work. It was going very well. I would go down and visit him for the weekend and would also spend time with each other when he was able to come back to visit. He studies medicine which is quite an intense course. He came back to our home city in March and felt he couldn’t carry on with the rest of his year. This was due to a particular student, which had been affecting him since the end of his first year. It has become quite bad that this particular student is about to face bad consequences for what has happened and has resulted in him deferring his year until next September.

This year he is studying at the university in our home city so our relationship would be easier to maintain this year. After this year, he will be going back to study medicine three hours away and has asked me if I would consider moving and going to study down there with him as I will hopefully be starting university next year to study midwifery. I was strongly considering and thinking about moving down there with him. He was also looking at the possibility of studying dentistry in another city , but has decided to carry on with medicine.

When he broke-up with me, it put me in a state of shock as I didn’t see this coming. He used the excuse of university, next year, to break-up. He felt it was kinder to do it now. He also felt like he was being selfish and pressuring me into moving down there with him and taking me away from my support network. That wasn’t the case at all, and his support network is here too in our home city. He started off with saying ‘we could see how we feel in a few years time’ and that it wasn’t an easy decision for him to make and that he was truly sorry. It was not long before we broke up that he was saying he has been the happiest he has this past year because of me, loved me so much and wanted to look after me for as long as he could because we make a great team. He said these on a few other occasions too and I have replied in the same manor. His parents were very shocked at his decision and his father sent me a lovely message saying they still love me and want to keep in touch and we still go to choir every Thursday together.

I feel like it is such a shame that it has come to this. He confided in me things about his past and how that’s affected him, regarding bullying and a health matter and I supported him through all of it. He also supported me as he knew my father had not long passed away. He was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. I miss talking to him.


Hi I need some advice about writing a letter to an ex boyfriend of 10 years ago. I fell head over heels for him then.

He treated me very, very poorly, possibly the worse boyfriend I ever had he dumped me and I moved on. Married and divorced in the meantime. I thought of him every once in a while but never felt the urge to contact him.

Last year he contacted me out of the blue to apologise for his behaviour. His apology was ackward and he said he just wanted us to be friends again. He is married with children.

We have been emailing each other for a year but mostly friend zone stuff. He has shared some songs about feeling sorry about the past and starting again. We talked about the reasons why he broke up with me. He has been sending me subtle love hints that have me very confused. Things like ending a couple of his emails with “love you”. He never told his wife about our emails.

However, we have never talked about the things he did that hurt me so much. And being in contact with him has brought back all the memories and pain I felt.

He claimed he missed me but I wanted to talk about the things he did he responded that he is sorry to have brought such anxiety back and he has then ‘dumped me’ again. I felt his love hints were a game to get me to write to him, so I would forgive him.

I want to write back to him and tell him all he did in the past. Somehow I feel that by being friends this last year he got the forgiveness he sought so he no longer feels guilty but I feel short changed as he is denying me the closure. What should I do? I want to tell him what he did and if he is a coward and can’t be bothered to read it, is not my problem. I want it out of my system. But I worry he will ignore my email or respond in an obnoxious way. I have little hope he will reply in an empathetic way. He is more narcissistic than empathetic. I do feel awful though i gave him another chance and trusted him.

I don’t want to be in touch with him, I want my closure. He opened this can of worms and I have the need to say now what I left unsaid 10 years ago

Please let me know your thoughts. I am very confused.


Hi Ana,

If sending the letter is going to make you feel better and it’s the only way you’ll move on, then okay, but if I were you, I would write the letter and not send it. Be as uncensored and honest as you want to be, but it will just be for you. When you look back, you’ll be thankful you didn’t send it. I have written several letters to exes, but I’m always grateful I didn’t send them.

Your keeping in contact with him is clearly bringing you pain, so I would cut all of that off immediately. Block him from everything. Keeping yourself mired in the past isn’t helping making you feel good, it’s just drudging up past stuff. Looks like he hasn’t changed much, well, I take that back, he’s gotten worse. Now he’s emotionally cheating on his wife with you, and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re not his only indiscretion. If he isn’t staying faithful to his wife, there’s no assurance he would stay faithful with you, and from the sounds of it, he was no spring chicken to begin with. I agree with you, it’s clearly a selfish play on his part. Best of luck to you.


Hi Ana,
I’m sorry to hear you’re reeling in pain. Old love we tumbled forward into so completely sometimes just doesn’t die a clean death and comes back out from the blue back to haunt us every so often — I can relate to that.

It’s good for you that you don’t want to be in touch with him and have clarity on that — that’s actually awesome! And him contacting you out of the blue like this may be a little insensitive, but maybe he is honestly asking for forgiveness. You could write to him. Like Thea mentions in her post, there really are no such things as mistakes… but if you just write a hateful letter telling him how much he hurt you, I think he’s not going to be able to be on the same page with you and relate to your old (and current) pain at all, but instead his reply might make you feel that he doesn’t fully appreciate the extent of everything you went through.

That’s not entirely his fault — he is probably just on a completely different plane in life and has no ability any longer to relate to those times 10 years ago. This is all speculating, but probably one of the likely scenarios, none of which are too favorable.

If I were you, I would write a letter pouring everything out, just to bring myself that closure. Be completely explicit and detailed and say literally everything you ever wanted to.

Then don’t send it. Write another one, a short, terse one, maybe explaining in very broad terms that his behavior has affected you in ways he might not entirely be able to understand — but don’t be hateful in it — it really won’t bring you any good. And you could send that if you wanted to … or just not send one to him at all.

I really don’t think any good would come out of pouring your heart out to him and risking him potentially handing it back to you saying “Thank you for that openness, but I reject you once again.”

Good luck — you will be fine! 🙂


Thank you so much Josh and cookiemonster.

I agree with you that it’d make sense not to send him this letter in a normal situation.

I also agree he’s been having an emotional affair with me. Sharing love songs with lyrics about starting again and once he even shared a photo of a flower arrangement in the shape of a heart.

My mistake was to want to trust him again and when I tried to get him to help me heal the wounds of the past (if you really cared about someone as he claimed, wouldn’t you want this person to be able to heal, to supposedly start again?) he has now rejected me. This is why I am hurting. I feel used because he got what he wanted, my forgiveness but I didn’t get what I wanted, my closure.

I don’t want to write the letter to get him back or anything. Even if he rejected me, I’m glad he is out of my life but he ended it in a very detached manner (kind of now that I don’t need you I can throw you in he trash) kínder of email.


Sorry typing mistake

He rejected me now in a very detached manner. Exactly the same way he did it 10 years ago. It’s hard to imagine that if he felt guilty for 10 years for dumping me, why couldn’t he manage to do it in a more empathetic way? I am ok with ending things not with the way he ended it. And I am not ok with not being able to get my closure.

I don’t understand this at all.

I have written my email but I am waiting to see if in a couple of days I still want to send it.

I hate the fact that he fooled me twice, he treated me poorly when he was my boyfriend but now he’s misled me with the love songs and now I can’t beleive he was really sorry for the past.

Thank you for listening to me.


One last question. Sorry

Old love in the past that didn’t die a clean death. Excellent description. So my question is writing the letter explaining to him what he did in the past, would it helped this love to get the clean death? This is what I want. The clean death. I thought I had moved on. I wasn’t even thinking of him at all. Why did all this pain come back?


hi Ana,

I’m so sorry this heartache has come back to haunt you. When I first read your advice entry, I was quite angry at how ok he was in getting in touch with you after 10 years, and how stirred up this made you. I agree with both Josh and Cookiemonster. This guy is cheating on his wife…with you. Who does he think he is?!? He’s proven himself over and over to reveal he is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR EMOTIONS. I’m not yelling…just being firm. Tragically, he will not give you what you seek…a clean death from this. So now what?!? Take back your own power!! Write the letter, pour your heart in it, say all what you want to say…print it out…and burn it. Say even a few words of “I release you, you hold no power over me, this is the death I seek, I am free”. May sound odd…but taking back and owning what you want him to do for you…is really freeing. I’m not trying to hurt you more by being firm, I care. My ex-fiancé pulled this same shit on me a couple years ago. Telling me he made a mistake, he wasn’t happy with whom he left me for (and was married to & had kids with when he contacted me), said he still loved me…had me thinking all sorts of crap. But it was all shit. It was all just an ego trip on his part. So Ana, take it back…reclaim. Get your own closure. You can do it. Deep breaths. You’re strong enough. ((hugs))

Hi Ana,

I give the advice not to send it because I’ve been there myself a few times, recently, in fact (Shamless plug for my Breakup Diary and Dream Girl posts on this site). I regret many of the things I said and did in my previous breakups and I am thankful for everything I didn’t say. I could have told my ex-fiancée the most horrible things I thought about her, but I didn’t. I am thankful I didn’t.

Here is why you should not send the letter, or at least wait a week or two, minimally, before sending it: This will keep you mired in the past. You’re human. You’ll be anxiously awaiting his response, and no matter what happens, you lose. If he responds, it’s going to hurt you whether it’s positive or negative. If he doesn’t, you’ll be hurt also. Don’t put yourself in situations where you are bound to get hurt no matter what happens. Second, when you look back in a year or so, you’ll smile and realize that you took the high road. You were the better person and didn’t send something you regret.

For the record, I have no interest in protecting him, just trying to help you. I think he is the scum of the earth, and I won’t defile Thea’s site with my true feelings about guys like him. To put it lightly, they give us a bad name and leave a trail of broken women in their wake. I have no doubt he has already gone skipping back to his wife and/or setting his sites on another woman. Meanwhile, his wife may be none the wiser and she could be blissfully ignorant of her husband’s extracurricular activities, but when she finds out, she could be scarred forever. It eats me up inside.

In any case, Alice is spot-on. I’m not so much into burning things (safety first!), but I am all for not sending it and taking your power back. This guy can’t give you closure, and even if he could, let’s be honest with ourselves, he wouldn’t. Focus on you and loving yourself. Keep us updated!


Thank you so much Alice and Josh

You are both right (and Alice, no worries about the capital letters. I knew what you meant). He is not a decent person. This whole email correspondence has lasted a year where he has been giving me crumbs to get his needs met. Sometimes, I was feeling sorry for his wife because he was sending me short emails while on holidays with his family. Others I felt sorry for him. His life must be pretty empty if he needs an ex to help him with an ego boost.

Thanks to you I did feel better and have not sent the email. I will continue writing it and waiting the 48 hours to see what I want to do. I still fluctuate between feeling good about ending this ‘friendship’ and feeling the need to get the closure for the past. i hope that as I wait this 48 hours the need for closure will be less. And if I still feel the need to send it I will read your posts first so I get back to a more objective state of mind.

At least I know I was lucky I didn’t marry him. This guy has issues if he was able to play this game with me. How he has treated me now has nothing to do with his wife

Thank again.


bravo Ana!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 I can tell that you’re doing a little better…defined even more how you feel and your plan. 🙂 he’s just bad news. a year of that mindfuck. wow. its on your time frame, but the sooner you set yourself free the sooner you’ll be able to have that clean death you want and need….on your own terms.
you can do this…you are strong. 🙂


Hi everyone, I needed some advice about how to go about this.

I broke up two months ago. I’m 23 and this was my very first relationship. I hadn’t ever been on a simple date before this, forget having a fling or being kissed.

Three years ago, he was a classmate of mine in college, but we became friends and I started liking him only in our last year. We would hang out together in the same group and also attend classes during weekends. Although he was dating another of my close friends at the time, I went ahead and confessed to him just to get it out of my system as we were studying for our finals that year and I didn’t want a distraction.

I never brought up the topic again as I wanted to save our friendship…not only both of us but also with our other friends who hung out with us regularly. That was that. It was very hard for me to spend the last few months of college with him and his girlfriend but I had no choice since we were all friends and part of the same group.

My parents were also in the process of getting a divorce at the same time. It was harder than usual for me because of this. My father re-married soon after.

After we graduated and started working, we still kept in touch. Although he had a job in another city, we met as and when he would come to my city for work or to visit his family. I had forgotten about the incident in college but a shred of my feelings was still intact.

One fine day, we met since he was in my city and confessed that he loved me too but never could muster up the courage to tell me. I had completely lost hope all these years and I agreed; but not before I confirmed from him that this had nothing to do with my parents ( I did not want this to be done out of pity for me).

We did long distance for six months. The strange thing was that he’d never call or message me or make an attempt on his own to talk to me. It was always me initiating it. And in an LDR, communication is crucial, isn’t it? He was going through a tough phase professionally at that time; and even I was working on a terribly busy schedule. His family had taken an instant liking to me even though I hadn’t met them in person or talked to them.

One day I was told that he wasn’t feeling the “connect” and he didn’t feel the need to talk to me any more. It felt as though I had been slapped in the face. To top it all, I was told that maybe we would be better off as friends. I was angry and confused all at once.

After a week of thinking about it, I decided to call it quits to save the friendship; although I didn’t want to. I felt horrible doing what I did because his previous girlfriend had dumped him for someone else three months into their relationship. I didn’t want him to re-live it again. I was heartbroken and angry at the fact that I’d have to start the moving on all over again.

A month later, we had a college reunion. For five days, him and me with a bunch of other friends went on a cross-country road trip. I promised myself I wouldn’t let the breakup affect anything. But after five days, I returned home feeling like shit, like the breakup had just happened.

For the first time in my life someone other than my family and friends has understood me, loved me and accepted me for who I am. I have always been ridiculed since childhood for the offbeat choices I make about everything; like I don’t fit in. This was like a breath of fresh air for me – especially since dealing with my parents’ divorce and my father’s extramarital affair and subsequent remarriage was proving to be tough for me. I am quite a tough cookie otherwise but this was getting a little too much.

When he wanted to ask me out, I agreed. When he said maybe we should be friends again, I agreed. Have I no say of my own at all?

It has been two months and I still grieve like it happened yesterday. Bursting into tears has become like a night-time ritual for me now. Also I’m in the process of switching jobs so that’s kinda stressful too.

On our road-trip, he noticed a sudden change in my demeanour and upon asking me, I told him it still hurts. He told me to let it go and instead see the precious friendship that we had saved for ourselves.

It is difficult for me to be let go and be just friends. It’s downright hard to look at him as just a friend again; since I still love him. He feels bad that we could not be together, however he is happy that the friendship is intact.

As an only child of divorced parents, I have never seen my parents happy. I have never had a healthy relationship role model during my formative years. I’m sure you know how important it is to have one.

I want to write to him to ask him if he is okay and to tell him that I need time for closure. He’s quite sensitive but never says anything at all. I just want him to be happy whatever he does.

Please help me. Writing this has made me tear up again.

Thank you for listening!




Being friends after a relationship doesn’t work. It’s too soon in your case and its preventing you to move on. Let it go completely and don’t worry about his feelings. You need to worry about you and yours. He won’t be the only one to be there for you. You are young and will find someone else but being trapped in this friendship is not helping you and this is why you feel the break up happened “yesterday”

Go out make new friends, live life and leave him behind.

Don’t write to him. He is ok and you are not his mother. He is responsible for his own happiness and not you. A man will do what he needs to do to be with a woman if he so wants. If he sees you having fun and enjoying life you’ll be more attractive to him and others. Being there for him is helping him take you for granted.

You come first and you need to learn to love yourself so you can love others. This is the basis of a healthy relationship.


Dear Ana

Thank you so much for your reply.

How do I suddenly break a 3 year old friendship? Before saying goodbye post the road trip, we pinky promised that we will always be there for each other. How do I break that? If I abruptly stop all contact he’s definitely going to ask what the matter is; since we still talk on and off.

Its okay that I couldn’t have him as a partner. But if I lose him as a friend too then will it not hurt both of us even more?



The 3 year old friendship “disappeared” the day you became lovers. It moved to a different stage and as long as you love him you are still a lover not a friend. It’s like asking to return to an adolescent stage when you are a full grown up adult. It’s very hard to go back to an early stage.

Did he ever say ILU in a romantic was? And now he doesn’t since he is no longer your boyfriend? Well, he broke that promise too and that promise superceeds the friendship promise. You are there for him in body, should AND heart, he is not. You really don’t owe him anything.

3 years is nothing in the context of real life. I understand you are a child of divorce parents and I can imagine that is not easy. But being friends with him is not “solving a divorce”. Life is a book and he will be an important chapter in this book but you need to move on. You are not a happy person right now.

How? Say goodbye and stay strong in your own commitment to your life. Don’t see, talk, call…. him, go out with friends and meet other men. It’s not going to happen overnight but slowly you will think of him less every time. You’re stuck in the past compromising your future without living your present, and in the friendship trap. Because this friendship is a trap. Losing him as a friend may seem to hurt even more but it will set you free to find someone else who will want to love you completely and who will make you happy. You need to think long term and not short term.

Search the internet and you’ll see plenty of articles that will tell you being friends with an ex is not a good idea. You are not the only one who has had this dilemma but we all had to get out of the friendship trap. We all did at one time or another.

Hey Christa,

We are right around the same age and it looks as if we have had similar experiences this year. First, Ana is spot-on: you guys can’t be friends. I get how much pinky-promises mean more than anyone, but you can’t stay friends with this guy unless you want to kiss your emotional well-being goodbye. We’ve all been there and trust me, if I could go back and give myself advice, I would tell myself throughout my two bad breakups to cut off all contact immediately and not try to be friends. That is so vital to moving on. This is no longer a friendship. Friends don’t make each other feel bad when they’re around you, they’re supposed to make you feel good.

You have to love yourself enough to realize he is toxic to you at this point. You feel bad when he’s around and when you’re involved in activities that are supposed to be fun. Cut off all contact immediately and start the healing process. If you re-read your story, you’ll see that in actuality, he dumped you originally, but you were the one who called it out. He chose golive a life without you. Let him go and let yourself go. Go out there and get some friends who make you feel good. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are 7 billion people in the world, what are the odds you find your match on the first try?

Good for you for writing all of that and getting it out there. It goes without saying, but I would not send that letter to him. Take a step back and look at your situation and you’ll realize you care so much about someone who doesn’t care about you. You should care about something who cares about you, too, and you’ll find that person, but this guy is not it.

I, too, was long-distance, although it was for 9 months and we got engaged during that time. We made it through the long-distance, but fizzled when we moved in together. She also pushed me into pinky promising that we would be together forever. She broke the promise and during the breakup phase, I brought that up, and she never acknowledged it.

You’ve got this. Keep us updated!


Dear Ana and Josh,

Thank you for your replies.

I understand what you both are saying and I completely agree too. I agreed to be friends but it is clearly not working here as its causing me more pain than anything else. The thought of breaking the pseudofriendship really freaks me out as he is a genuinely good person otherwise.

I don’t know why he even asked me out if he was going to lose interest in 6 months. But then again, him waiting for 2 years before that to confess to me doesn’t add up or fit into the pic. I’ve loved him ever since I realised that I had feelings for him. So has he.

I got myself a gym membership immediately after the breakup to keep busy. But after I returned from the roadtrip, I’ve been so depressed about it that I haven’t been going for a month. Which is making me feel worse about myself. It really is horrible.

Whats funny is that my birthday was last week and his mother had to remind him to wish me that day. He can’t even remember my birthday for crying out loud.

He doesn’t really care about me anymore. It is only right that I don’t, however much it hurts me.

He said he doesn’t want the friendship to suffer at any cost. What right does he have to say it? After all that we have been through together, I am expected to look at him like a friend? No, I’m sorry it will not happen anymore.

My wellbeing is of prime importance here. No matter what he says it doesn’t matter to me anymore now. I will not talk to him anymore now even if it kills me from inside.

I will keep you updated with what happens. It’s nice to have people who understand.


So, I dumped her over 6 months ago after a year together. She was always jumping several pages ahead of me (wanted me to meet her parents after our first weekend together, talking about leaving her job/house/friends/family to be closer to me, discussing marriage, kids, etc far too early, lots more stuff like that). She was growing more and more in love and then I dumped her.

I did love her, and loved the time we had together, but also knew that I wasn’t happy in the relationship, and not because of her – it just didn’t feel right – it’s hard to isolate exactly why. I communicated this fairly regularly (both that I did love her, but also that I had my long-term doubts). It felt right to keep trying for a year, but any more than that would have been unfair on both of us. She took it hard, and also instigated a no-contact, which I respected.

We have been in touch twice since, but only a few words each time, though she has told me the no-contact is over and I can get in touch if I want to talk about anything.

I like her a lot as a person and want what is best for her. Do I write her a letter now, letting her know how much I think of her, apologising that it didn’t work out, thanking her for being so loving, give her a bit more of an explaination for why I had to finish it, tell her how much she deserves a nice guy and that I think she will find one, or do I just disappear off into the distant horizon? (there is quite a big physical distance between us, so this would be easy in more than just the metaphorical sense!). From her Facebook posts I can tell she is still suffering a lot, but I just don’t know if more time and near-silence from me; or a letter with the right words are going to help more with the healing.


Hi Christa,

Good for you. It will definitely hurt cutting off all contact with him, but it will hurt more continuing this on forever, so you deserve major credit for vowing to end all contact. You are absolutey right. A real friend would have remembered your birthday and wouldn’t be treating you like this.

As far as the gym membership goes, it happens to all of us. I was working an upwards of 60 hours per week and my commute was about 3 hours per day, thus, going to the gym has been difficult. Just force yourself to go one time and ease back into it.

I definitely think you’re on the right path, and it would be great if you could keep us updated.


I sent my ex a love letter email last night.

10 years since i fell in love.
9 years since the relationship ended.
5 years since i saw her last time.

I was slightly intoxicated, and decided that it was a good idea to seize the moment to write how i still feel.

I had a more casual conversation with her earlier, so the waters had been tested.

I made it as non intimidating as possible. I just wanted to let her know that some things don’t seem to change with time. At all.

I’m glad I did it. Even if every day i have to face the thought that i may not find love again, not in the form i need it, at least i got it out of my system..


it’s been 1 year of no contact. first few months he would text me, and i never responded. but it was casual funny texts. i was pissed off because i was looking for him to write me an apology or something long and deep, but he never did. (we had a terrible breakup). i can’t believe i did this NC for this long, but it HAD to be done and i feel much stronger. our relationships was filled with insecurities and arguing. if i were in a better state and it were a different time, i believe things would have worked out better. but i started the relationship in a bad state of mind, and it only got worse while in it.

anyway, like i said it’s been 1 year of NC. after 6 months he stopped contacting me at all. his last text was “still not responding to me? you have to let go of your grudges. they will ruin you.” but i really had to get myself back together emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, etc. and that could not be done even if we were friends.

i want to contact him now. i would love for it to just be casual convo like nothing has happened, but i am someone who just needs to discuss feelings/reflect. they are positive feelings. no blaming him, just things ive reflecting with myself.. and how ive been able to forgive him and myself and still do genuinely care about him. i prefer to write an email.. i feel in person i will go off rambling.. i might cry… and that isn’t where i want to be.

i still love him. if im honest with myself, it would be cool to try again with him. or at least be “friends” (but i feel i will want more). friends… and start veryyyyy slowlyyyy. i have been in NYC for the last year (he lives in Maryland) but im moving back to maryland in 1 month. So i also feel now is a good time to write because we could see each other if we wanted.

any advice would be appreciated. thank you.


Hi Kor,

Personally, I wouldn’t do it. If you realistically think about it, what kind of closure or happiness are you going to realize from such an email/text/etc.? I could see it doing so much more harm than good. It seems like you put a lot of the blame on yourself for how things ended, and while that may be true, it takes two to tango. He is not completely without blame. It looks like you’ve come so far, and if you contact him, you’re just putting yourself right back into that dark place again. Then there is the whole thing about closure and happiness coming from within and not from another person and all of that good stuff.

If you really, truly think only a letter or something to that effect is going to give you emotionally what you need, then I’m not against that. I would still write it and hold it for a week or two, then if you still want to send it, go for it. However, the caveat is always that he might just ignore it or respond rudely. Your emotions are going to be wrapped up for a couple of days waiting to see what he does, and generally, no matter what that is, it isn’t fulfilling. Best of luck to you.


I just wanted to share that I wrote three versions of a letter. I sent the third one less than a week after the break up. It was only 2 pages long. It said that I knew he was lying to be about having his ex girlfriend spend the night at his house, and that his lack of honesty and transparency ruined my trust in him and ruined what could have been a great relationship. I also said I forgave him and that I did not think he was a bad person. I sent it for my own closure, I do not expect a response, and also because I really needed him to know he did not get away with his lie. It just felt like I could not move on until I said that to him. For me, sending that letter has freed me to start moving past things.


I was wondering if can help me write a letter. I have a bit of unusual story, I met a girl online and we talked, texted and exchanged pictures. We had some really deep conversations, but never met. I am always a strong insightful person and 41 yrs old. I have had many relationships and been dumped and always handled it with dignity. I have always known what I wanted in a woman and finally after 41 yrs found her 200 miles away online. I am not a fool and did a very thorough backround check. Things went south in a hurry when I pursued to hard and strangled the life out of the relationship in three days of non stop calling and texting,..,eventually getting myself blocked from calling. I know people say this is the one…but she really was. She was me in a much prettier package. Like I said, I waited 41yrs for this, never married always knew girls in the past where just to pass the time until I fiund my one true soulmate. I fell in love quickly without even meeting her. I never even really fell in love before…I was ill equipped to handle it and think spooked her a bit. Although she seemed to be receptive, even asking me when she was on vacation, if I would follow her there because she loved it. A week later she told me she was enjoying the single life, I am great guy and she wishes me all the best. I feel I may have strangled her.a little and want to convey my feelings of regret, embarrasment of behavior, and yes try to win her trust and affection back. I want to do it in a respectful and dignified manner. I know it has been only 2 days since happened, actually wrote her a letter but did not send it….then I came across this site and wish I did before acting like an idiot. Appreciate any help or insight.

Shooting star

Dear Thea,
Please I seriously need your advice I have alienated my family and friends have been through different breakup stages although not yet 12 lots of pain, questioning, nostalgia still pretty much a wreck. Your posts have helped me thank you! I have found hopeless sites with if you apply the NC for 30 days and so on…But your website is differente and you are honest and I do not want a sugar coated reply plus I have to take a plane in 5 days and I don’t know If I should let my ex know

So my story boy meets girl he is a successful manager/ client and she is a banker he follows her and send her a song every day she refuses to be with him because of conflict of interest and a previous long distance relationship yes they live more than 9000km apart, she even tells her superiors once is official and seeks ways to get transfer to his city… they travel through Europe, SA and NY (NY is middle ground for both of them) she feels he is his prince charming imagine dancing in Heildenberg bridge with a violin we had that ! or random surprises!

He made me so happy and I didn’t know any other way to reciprocate but to invite him to my inner circle hence meeting my sister and mentioned my father ?big mistake …. This boy is over 35 years old rough on the edges but a heart of gold family oriented catholic all the good stuff I didn’t think I liked but know cant do with out

So last march 15 over the phone in what I call my worst pms I broke down over the phone and said I love you ( we speak Spanish so this the big guns I love you hence Te amo ) he replied I love you (2nd tier – te quiero) but I don’t love you (no te amo) I could not get pass it although we proposed ways to make our relationship stress free we both work and can not be texting immediately I felt the phrase was like a huge burden and I could not pass it. A week after, he visits me and I break down and say that I don’t love him anymore that I could not get pass that phrase he said I deserve someone better he leaves and the next day he received a text of He the pain does not goes away…no contact from both sides.

I was thinking I was over the sadness and nostalgia and then through common colleagues I found out he is in town.

So is aggravating he clearly wants nothing with me? or is he scared? (long distance might have been over, I could move, he could have met my family …) was my text so impossible to respond?. AND the question…I will go to his city this Friday 17 (we planned this trip quite a while ago) I have booked other tickets for other city in case he doesn’t respond to my email which it will go like this: Dear XXX, Hope everything is great with you! My last message was almost impossible to reply I believe we can still do all the stuff we left behind(give examples of inner unfinished stories) I arrive at so and so hope to see you at arrivals, share a weekend and start from scratch as friends.

In my dream scenario he will be at the gate with roses and will raise me so high and hug me until I will feel my bones break and then he will say Te amo …Hollywood has ruined me please Thea help!!!

Oh boy that is a tough one…

I’d personally try to sort out if he will be there ahead of time instead of hanging on to this hope for the gate-reunion!!

Dear XX – I know we had planned to meet up on Friday – do you think we could do so as friends?

Or words to that effect.

Hollywood is so unreal. It has a lot to answer for. I don’t think I understand the> “I love you ( we speak Spanish so this the big guns I love you hence Te amo ) he replied I love you (2nd tier – te quiero) but I don’t love you (no te amo)” part.

You each said you loved each other but then there was another message from one of you saying “except I don’t” essentially?

Is it “I love you” but this is too hard to be apart. Or is it “I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you?”

I just don’t want you to show up at the arrivals gate and be crushed if he doesn’t show.

You could just reach out and say “I know we had plans for Friday – I am still arriving as planned. Feel free to meet up with me.”

Please let me know how Friday goes ok? xx


Hello all, not that I need much advise on rather I should ever get the urge to write my ex or for him to ever see my letter
But for my own personal closure if I ever did
Here it is.
I must admit with the time seperated and the fact you have made it impossible for me to even contact you, I’ve grown from all of this.
I have so many regrets and sorry’s that would make a person feel sorrow.
We had a baby girl together and I wish everyday you could see and feel the love of her that I too miss out on.
I have so many questions that I know you will never answer even if I would ask.
In all animosity and angrier aside
I want you to know I still wait for your call
I still wait for your touch
But most of all
I still wait for you to come home.
I’m sorry when you chose me to be your other half
I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t smart.
459 baby
You’ll always be the one I want
I miss you
Seattle sage


Need some advice. It has been 6 weeks since we broke up. She told me she loved me, we started looking at rings, her family loved me and mine loved hers but we got into a huge fight and I said a lot of mean things to her. She broke up with me. Let me know if you think this is too heavy or just right or am I better off not sending it.

I would have handwritten this letter, but my hand writing is atrocious. This is the first and hopefully the last one of these I ever have to write. You meant too much to me to not put this letter together. You can throw it out, show it to your friends and have a laugh, put it up on social media and tell everyone you were dating a psycho, I don’t really care, I just need you to know how I feel.
I know you want to be left alone and this is how you do it when it comes to ex boyfriend’s so I will promise you this is the last you will here from me. I have reached out a couple of times over the last month, once during Easter with a stupid text, and once after my birthday with a poorly written Facebook message that I didn’t notice was so poor until the next day when I read it. (Had a few drinks that afternoon) I was really hurt when you couldn’t even find it in your heart to wish me a happy birthday. I’m not sure if you wanted to, or if I didn’t mean enough to you to do so. This was a reality check for me and that’s when I knew we were really over. I remembered our last conversation that you still wish your ex a happy birthday over in XXXX or wherever he is, so that stung big time.
Regardless, I am still having trouble with our breakup and feel this letter will help me to move on a little quicker. Everything I see/hear reminds me of you. (That stupid RV commercial comes on every 10 minutes ?) I just need you to know a few things.
First, my name is XXXXXXX. My hobbies include surfing, skiing, cooking, and traveling. I am on the sensitive side and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve when I meet the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am not a mean and hurtful person, but if pushed, I tend to turn into a child and act like one. I could not hurt a fly. I move snails out of the sun in the morning into the shade so they do not dry out. I hit a bird when I was driving in Tahoe and he was stuck to the grill of my truck, but he was still alive. I pulled him out and drove back into town about an hour away with him in my hand to a local wildlife clinic and gave the lady $100 to fix him. I love all animals and hope to one day open up a no kill shelter where all of the animals not adopted can live out the rest of their lives not in cages, but in an open field. As soon as I get one of my many businesses started and I am able to buy a big enough piece of land to do so. I love kids. I have been lucky enough to live vicariously through my older brother with two nieces and a nephew. I am also an entrepreneur at heart and will one day have another business of my own. I only had one regret until now and it was a goal I missed playing soccer in middle school. There wasn’t much time left on the clock and I had a break away. It was just the goalie and I, and I shot the ball wide right. The game ended in a draw, and it was the only blemish on our undefeated season. Now I know this paragraph is a little weird, but for the month and a half we dated prior to the holidays, you and I never took the time to really get to know each other. I know this is a little too late, but I wanted to put this in there.

So for my second regret, it was the way I spoke and acted towards you in the two major fights that we had over the course of our six month relationship. Both are inexcusable and I do not blame you for walking away, I would have done the same as well. But, instead of calling you all of those names, I should have handled it in a mature way, the way adults do, because in essence, that’s what adults do. I need to remember I am one of them now and have learned a valuable lesson. I also feel we had a lot more good times than bad, and I think you agree with me there.
As for the failure of our relationship, we are both to blame. I will take on a majority of the blame, but I hope some day, if you even care to think about it, you will also take some of the burden as well. Look, I know I was the one who made you put up the wall after the break up in January, and I should have known that when you said the only reason you were taking me back the first time was because “No One has ever been as persistent as me” I should have asked you if that was the real reason. If it was, we really could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache. I didn’t want to believe that was really why you were taking me back so I ignored it. First mistake as this was probably the first time the lines of communication should have been opened.
So for the next two plus months, I was trying to do everything in my powers to make you happy. I think you can agree with me that I put you on a pedestal. I was doing everything I could to get you to say those words to me again that you said in Tahoe right before New Years, “ My mom said one day that someone was going to sweep you off of your feet, and I was that guy” I did get a few “I love you” in there from time to time, but I only remember getting them when you had a couple of glasses of wine. Instead, I got the cold distant version of you. It started in XXX, and I’m not sure if you remember, but you also use similar language that I used in XXXX and called me a “Fucking Dumb Ass”. That was hurtful, and so were the following:
Location: I wanted to take you to Orlando for Valentines Day and you asked “Why”
Location: We were being intimate and you told me to hurry up you had to pee
Location: When I got into XXXX and you picked me up, you were less than enthusiastic when you saw me. Eventually you did show that you were happy I was there, but then all you kept saying was, we should have left on Friday and I would have been upgraded.
Location (Broken Rib incident): Now I know I told you not to come to the hospital, but when to person you supposedly love is being held overnight in a hospital, the significant other should be there bed side no matter what they say. I would have travelled across the globe to make sure I was there for you. Then the following day, you show up after drinking a bottle of wine with your neighbor only to pass out for an hour and then go right back home. You were supposed to spend the night, but it was just too much work with the cat. This one was really the one that made me question your feelings for me.
Location: This was the incident where all of my emotions of the last two months of boiled over. I am not proud of the way I spoke to you, and I have never spoken to another human being like I did to you, and I am truly sorry for that. I should have never said those words to you, especially because I loved you. I was just really hurting because it just felt like that everything I was doing to make you happy was not working. I could also tell prior to our fight that there was some unfinished business between you and the ex that was supposed to show up. That was really the only reason I went with broken ribs or I would have stayed home. You were trying so hard to make your last boyfriend jealous, that it was making you existing boyfriend jealous. You were so flustered and as we were walking to the party, I could see how nervous you were that you were going to see him. I wished you would have gotten that way with me. You dressed as sexy as you could for this guy. Then when you fond out he wasn’t going to be there, you were yourself again. You hung out with your friends, and I barely even spoke to you that night for the entire night. Did you forget that I was there? Look, I don’t need someone to hold my hand at a party of about 30 people I don’t know, but you could have at least acknowledged I was there every once in a while. When you told me you didn’t like sex, but put on lingerie, this was really my breaking point in the whole back end of our relationship and I said a lot of mean things that I shouldn’t have. If you would have told me in the beginning you didn’t like sex, that might have solved a lot of issues for me. I thought you were either cheating on me or just didn’t like having sex with me anymore. Both were equally hurtful. You didn’t seem to dislike it when we first started dating so I couldn’t believe your answer.
This and trying to get time with you when we were not going to some function or traveling to a destination. It seemed like that was the only time you wanted to hang out with me. When I tried to get time, I was accused of being controlling, and all I really wanted to do was try to fix our relationship. I know I became this needy, insecure, clingy boyfriend who pushed you away. What I should have done was talked about how I felt and then let you decide whether or not you wanted to continue with our relationship. A break during your sabbatical like you originally wanted may have also helped us work this thing out as well.
So I ask you to put yourself in my shoes. If you were doing all of the heavy lifting to try and make a relationship work and I did these things over the course of a couple of months, how would you have reacted? I would hope you would feel just as terrible as I did, but it all depended on how you felt about me. I never really knew.

I wanted our relationship to go back to the way it was when we first met. The first time I met you at the coffee shop, I knew you were the one for me. The second date to XXXX and the third to XXXX solidified my feelings. I also remember the first time you called me. I was on my way to XXXX with my dad, and you were on your way to your moms place to get tires and a windshield for the for your car. I was so excited to see your name pop up on the phone. Actually, every time I saw your name pop up on my phone I got excited from day one. You always asked me if I wanted company at least twice a week. You woke up early on a Sunday and did your laundry so you could go to the city with me to meet my best friend . You would come over or I would pick you up to go to lunch at least once during the week. All of that went away and all I wanted was that to come back. I knew where I stood with you during this time, and that was really when I was myself. I know you have a lot on your plate and are stressed out at work. I realize that now and instead of being a burden, I should have also tried to be more understanding of your stressful life. I was so proud of you when you told me you got a promotion and should have tried to be more complimentary and helped relieve the stress instead of adding to it.
XXXX, I am not trying to blame you for the reason we are where we are, I think we both made a lot of mistakes along the way. However, I will take a majority of that burden and live with it for the rest of my life, I really just wanted you to see the little things that had an impact on those awful things I said to you. My therapist, who I saw for the last time this week basically called it a defense mechanism. I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me. She also told me to let you know how I felt as it will help with the healing process. I never wanted to hurt you. I loved you with all of my heart. This break up is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and it still brings tears to my eyes every once in a while. (I am eating and sleeping) I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I was so excited to look at rings with you. I wanted to grow old with you more than anything else. I actually went to the mall the other day with my mom to pick up a few things and when she went off to shop on her own, I went to that ring store we talked about just to see what they had. They had the perfect ring for you there. When you meet the guy that is lucky enough to marry you, have him go to the Diamond Ring Company and look at the Verragio line. They had the flower halo style with a vintage thin gold band just like you wanted.

I wish we could start all over from the beginning, but I know you do not work that way. I am not perfect, nor are you, but I really do believe that we were perfect together regardless of our differences. I truly believe we could have worked through those differences and I know that is also not in the cards. I hope some day you will forgive me and even maybe be friends, but I also know you do not keep in touch with the ex’s that ended on a bad note. (Maybe because you broke up with me you will ?) Please know, I love you and always will. I am not a bad person and really just wanted to make you happy. I am sure this feeling of sadness from our break up gets better over time. I thought for sure I would have been able to move on by now, but you meant a lot to me XXXX. I wish you nothing but happiness and success in life and if it means anything to you, I will always cherish the short time we had together.
I am going to miss you XXXX. I will miss your car concerts, out of tune whistling, the dutch ovens, the picking of your nose and flinging the boogies out of the window, the chocolate almond wipe off after it fell on the floor because it was the last one, your brutal honesty about how stinky your feet are because of the orthotics, those beautiful dark big brown eyes, and most of all, your smile. I loved it when you smiled because it meant I was doing something right for a change.
Well now you know how I felt and feel. You meant the world to me and I hope to find someone similar to the you I met back in the coffee shop. I think if we could both go back to those people, we would have been perfect together. Love sucks sometimes.
The thumb drive has pictures I took of you and a video of you dancing. I thought you might like to have these pics. I’m sure you will crop me out of the ones I’m in, but I thought you might like the way you looked in those. You were definitely the photogenic one of the relationship. ?

Shooting star


First of all thank you so much for responding!!! in the end I did send an email to my ex the day before I took my plane and turn off my cell -internet data and forced myself to do not enter to check if he replied to have the true Hollywood gate encounter. Took the plane and arrived and only when I landed I found out he wrote he wanted to see me as a friend he said during the almost month apart he wanted to write but we needed time to start being friends also awful news his mother was diagnosed with cancer. I just wanted to cry and run towards him.

We did spend a weekend together he was amazing, we laughed and sang in his car, he hug me and hold my hand, he cooked for me, took me to nice restaurants he even let me have a motorcycle ride with him (although he is not the biker type and was scared to have my life depend on his; I felt then that I wanted to be with him now and ever) I knew I still love him BUT he repeated his speech on our last night I love you but I am not in love with you, I want to be a friend blah blah be there for you ….you are an angel you will be fine …

I am back in my office four days after my European trip can’t focus we are texting everyday but is not the same, I can not do the friendship thing and all the questioning started how this person whom said I was perfect who showed me so much affection could say he is not in love meaning I am not the one :((((((((((((

I think and this might sound odd that I rather have him giving me excuses or to be angry at him but I can’t, I can not do anything but accept his feelings there are no overanalyzing still my mind can play tricks like oh maybe he is scared but rationally I know he does not love me like I love him and I can not be his friend, at least not now

SO I am back at reading you articles and learning to take a day at a time, wish I had a nicer outcome to report but in any case thanks for creating this space!

Lots of hugs!!

Wow that is a confusing place to be. So challenging to be so close to someone and yet “not in that way”. You know? Who knows what the future holds for any of us eh? Just keep working on yourself. Feel good about you. Know your worth. Then you will attract the one who sees that…


This is a very insightful article about writing a letter and whether to send it or let it go.
Truly helpful suggestions that comes from life experiences and we All haev thwm.

It is funny how one has to go to a website to learn how to deal with their ex, when that person was an important part of your life and you thought you knew them. Now that this person choose to go, makes you wonder how to deal with the feelings, whether you should reach out, it’s as if one has to tip toe not to ruin something that is already done.

However, one thing I have to disagree is saying both people contributed to the break up,maybe in some cases but not most. Its an ideal thing to say as to carefully not blame everything on the ex and that the person who was dumped.

How is it your fault if the person came to their own conclusion that they just don’t feel the same way about you,or in their mind have never loved you as deep as you love them? Can I say I contributed to the person not loving me anymore?

If I’m going to ask myself how did i contribute to this break up because according to the author break up is caused by two people,then I ask myself.How did I contribute? was I gaining weight? not pretty enough? did the new wrinkles in my face or a string white hair turned them off?

How about if it was an abusive situation,how can you say the victim of abuse contributed somehow to the demise of the relationship or the dumper finally leaving them? I just think

I just think that’s an idealistic way of thinking when that is not always the case especially when they cheated on you and left you for someone else-(not saying that happened to me)then again I don’t know) Can you cause a person to cheat?

I’ve been in many relationships too to know if someone doesn’t want to commit how is it that the person who they don’t want to commit contributed to that

I realize it’s important to look in ways that you can improve or mistakes but being dumped is hard enough on the person who was left, in many times they were just being themselves, apparently not good enough on the eyes of their ex

Shomon Robie

Hello everybody,

i am going to send the following letter to my ex-girlfriend. We were together for 4 years- we came from completely different culture. She broke up with me 3 months ago. I made a mess!

Could you please give me some feedback if i should send this or not?


Hi Milachku,

I woke up from the “Clinical Depression” after the break up – I did it myself without medication or counseling – it was not easy. I am confident and brand new. I took my time to think about you in clear mind and what went wrong in our relationship. I studied hours and hours what I should have done to make you happy.

Now I am happy about myself and I have no worries, I feel free. I am happy without you or without you. I know if I am not Happy about myself I cannot make you happy. Nobody likes a miserable person; even I did not like myself last few months. I am not a new person – I am the same person with more knowledge about relationship, your need. I have more knowledge about how to keep love alive and keep relationship happy and healthy.

Do I want you back, yes I do. I worked on myself and prepared myself with a “To Do List” to make you happy with me again:

1. Food – I started eating food from your country- and actually started to enjoy the taste -it is different than ours – but the variety of taste gives me another pleasure and sensation. I would like to have your food, my food and different kind of food with you. I will never complain that I do not like the taste of your food – because I understand and appreciate various taste of food in the world already. I do not want to carry my masala’s here and there to cook food for me any more! I feel shy about letting you do that. 🙁

I worked on my limitation and already improved my taste to give you easier life.

2. Clothing – I already bought a whole set of underwear (lingeries and bras) for you and will throw the old ones away, so that you feel new, comfortable and good about yourself. I already bought a new set of “Summer Dresses” for you and swimwear for this summer. I want you to feel new, and happy.

3. House and Living: If you want to live with you grand parents; that is perfect. I will accomodate and i will try my level best to make them happy about your being with me. If not you can move in to my place, I will pay rent, food, everything.

4. Family Money : I now know how to make money in your country. I did not know that – because I worked different way in my country – it was difficult to accomodate in new way of life. But i learnt it and I do make money now and I want to bear all the cost of running family. If you are working I want you too keep you earnings for yourself and do whatever you want.

5. Language – I started learning your language – the book you bought for me. I will definitely start speaking your language with your family and friends. It is a shame I did not do it before.

6. Leisure – I started playing different kind of fun games with my friends and strangers in this city in the evening. It keeps my away from the daily worries and workloads and make my brain ready for tomorrows work. We will play different types of games in the evening, board games, cards, etc to have simple fun, keep our evenings more memorable with small things. But i will cheat in the game sometime, as always and get caught (I love getting caught by you!!)

7. Health and Fitness – I started going to Gym, walk and run in the evening, swim sometime. We will make a schedule what kind of physical activities we will person each evening. Healthy body and mind is important for healthy relationship – i understand this now.

8. Personal Space – We will go out with our friends – you go out with your friends some time and i will go out with my friends some time to enjoy our personal time and space. Being with each other all the time creates tension; and we get bored with each other.

9. Movies – I have started watching romantic movies and surprisingly i started loving them. I already watched “The Princess Bride”, “When Harry met Sally”, “17 again”. I liked them. Romantic movies keep our brain calm. So, we will go and watch your kind of movies and my kind of movies – 50/50.

10. Celebration – I remember your birthday – memorized it for rest of my life time – 30th June!! I forgot the date we first met and the date we first made love ( you know those dates!!). We will go out for dinner, dance or do some fun things at those days. I will always have some surprises for you, i promise. Alas, i was useless, i did not do it before.

11. Activities – I went to the local zoo twice this month and enjoyed those beautiful animals. I went to Asian Food Festival yesterday as well. I went to a village nearby the capital to look around and understand local culture and people. We would go for different kind of activities every weekend.

12. Party – I took 8 dance lesson this month – and I am almost ready to take you for a dance. Am i not improving?

14. Culture – I went to local opera few days ago. First time in my life time and frankly speaking, I enjoyed it. I believe Opera in country is better than this country. I would take you to Opera and different cultural events to enjoy our life more.

15. Happiness – I will buy flower(s) every evening to make you feel happy. There will be surprises for you every week to make you feel important in my life.

16. Appreciation – I appreciate your personality, your requirement, what you like and what you don’t like as an individual and as my Loved One; i will give more priority to you.

17. Friends and Families – Your family is my family and your friends are my friends. I want to give them as importance as my family and treat them the way i treat my family. I will try to make them happy about my being with you and do things so that you can feel proud of me in front o f them.

18. Love – I want to keep it blank as it is going to be published in public.

19. Children and their future – You know you are the only woman I ever wanted to have children with and I am still sad that you first baby was not born naturally. It was one of the reasons for my “Clinical Depression”! I want to have children with you and give then good education, morals, values and principle. Teach them all the religions, so that they can decide if they want to practice any; if not that would be their choice.

20. Life – the first time I saw you walking down the stairs, i fell in love with you and i am still in love with you. I always wanted you to be with me rest of my life time and I left my country, my lifestyle, my business for you. I sounds story from the book, but it is the reality. To be with you became so important that I forgot to do the basics things. But now I understand, “It is not only love, love is like a tree, i need to keep it alive with duties, responsibilities and activities. Otherwise love will die soon, like the plan in the desert without water”. I know that and I am prepared and ready to take care about my love for you and your love for me. I do really want to keep beside me rest of my life time and grow old.

21. End – end of life, i want to die after you so that you do not feel the pain of loosing me, you can go to heaven happy (I do not believe in heaven or heal, it is metaphorical), I will keep the pain of loosing you.

I do pay very importance about our 4 years time together. I know there was love between us all the time and there is still love there – what I understand – is I need to do daily beautiful things to keep the love alive….in need to do that….it is my job and responsibility. I want to give you the respect , caring and love your deserve.

Did you spend four years of valuable life time behind me? Yes you did. You spent your most valuable time behind me, your tears, your emotions, your love, your time, your resources, your smiles, yes you did – I did the same. I take it as a very precious gift. You put a lot of effort, you put yourself on the floor, you cried, you screamed, you were in pain and in suffering – I did the same lately. I woke up and I know what I did wrong and I know what to do keep the love alive longer – the plant is not dead yet – I want to grow it bigger – I know how to do it and what to do.

I respect your opinion, your decision – I am not weak, vulnerable, confused anymore. I know what you want and what I want. I am happy without you and I will be the most happiest man with you (I need to apply above mentioned task list for both of us being constantly happy).

At the same time, I am ready to make you “the happiest women in the world”! Yes I am ready!


Before sharing my tale of woe, I want to thank Thea for making an
excellent safe place for people to share their heartbreak and moving
on stories and for giving me lots to think about.

To make a very long story short, a couple of years ago a friend and I
met through mutual friends when I was going through a rough period
with my ex-partner. Both of us have been exposed to abusive parents,
friends and family (from which we both suffer from varying degrees of
PTSD and anxiety disorders) but had managed to work and try to give
ourselves normal lives. We got to be close rather quickly but soon our
friendship started having issues when sometimes we inadvertently
triggered each other. Neither of us were really good at explaining
what those triggers were beforehand so it became a random pattern of
us taking a few weeks/months time out until we could reconnect and
work through things. Life would then go back to normal, we’d have fun,
laugh, care for each other and share the most amazing things.

Recently, though, a series of injuries have changed her personality
considerably. She became more moody, irritable etc and we talked
through it and I tried to get her to tell me what she needed from me
so that we could keep our friendship healthy. Granted, I realize this
may not always have been possible so I tried to do my best to still
respect boundaries, support her etc. We had a bit of conflict a month
ago from which I don’t think our friendship ever recovered. Although I
had apologized many times, got myself a different therapist and
entered into a program for anger management to understand more what
anger really is (I always thought it was extremes instead of it
having levels) so that I could work on improving myself and my part in
our friendship. But as the weeks wore on, I could feel her caring less
and less. She stopped responding to texts, would not even look me in
the eye when we went to mutual functions, etc. She said that she was
going through a dark period and I asked what I could do to help while
she figures things out. She said she didn’t know. Then stopped
communicating altogether. Last week, she unfriended me on FB without
warning and when I emailed and asked what might be happening, her
reply was “This friendship is no longer working for me. Please stop
contacting me.”

Though I am deeply hurt and confused, I replied “I’m sorry that you
feel that way. I hope we can be friends again in the future. I
apologize for any anxiety or stress I have caused you.” and left it at
that. It’s been a few weeks now and I would like to at least try to
get some closure on my part but sending a note that says I understand
that she may have needed to end things for her own mental health. I
wrote the letter I’m attaching in this post. Do you all feel that this
is a good thing to send? I am not expecting any response. I just want
her to know that I understand and I still love her. Thank you for

“?I know that you have requested that I not contact you. I just wanted to write this to let you know that you are still important to me and that I understand and respect your decision. Please allow me this one last time and you will not hear from me again unless you wish to.

I was looking back over the interactions leading up to that day to try to figure out what led to what transpired that Friday. I think that perhaps, with the last few emails from a few weeks before, you had been trying to end our friendship with compassion and kindness and I missed the subtleties. I was scared that day when I saw that I was no longer on your FB Friends list and reached out to communicate with you out of surprise and fear. In my insistence on directness, my actions burned a bridge that did not need to be burned. At that point, you were right to let go for your own emotional well-being and growth.

You have a lot going on. Dealing with PTSD, school and other equally stressful situations is difficult and overwhelming. I took your actions and how you were coping more personally than I should have and you deserved more support than I was giving. I began educating myself more thoroughly on how PTSD and anxiety affects those who suffer with them and now realize how my actions were not helpful to you. I understood that what you’re going through is not about me; I wish I had done better in recognizing what you really needed from me as a friend. Hindsight is always 20/20. I apologize for my behavior and will always regret the hurt I have caused.

You are a kind, generous and patient person and you’ve added so much to my life in our time together. I am sorry that I was unable to be the friend you needed. You are strong and badass so I know you’ll come out on top and be the best you can be. I wish you all of the best for the rest of the year and for you to have a wonderful, happy life with lots of success. We had some truly awesome times; a lot of laughs, a lot of goofyness, some great food and spur-of-the moment cooking dates. I will miss you and all of our crazy fun, definitely. I hope that one day we can be friends again under more healthy circumstances. If not, then I still count myself fortunate to have met you, been affected and taught by you. Anyone who has you in their life is damn lucky. Feel free to let me know if there is ever anything that you need; I’ll always have your back. I know your current support system will take really good care of you.

Be well…”

The man I was in a relationship for over 10 years, suddenly reconnected with an old sweetheart and 6 months later married her. I am still brokenhearted even though he never made any promises, I loved him very much, still do. We did part as friends even though a friendship can never be. I have a special picture of him (I’m not in it) taken at his daughters wedding 9 years ago. I can’t bare to look at it without feeling pain but I also can’t burn or shred it. I was thinking about sending it to him, no note or words. He will know it’s from me but I absolutely do not expect or want a response. What do you think?


I am almost 17 and I am going through what feels like torture which I realize I totally brought upon myself. I was dating an amazing guy – we are both Juniors in HS (see each other every day which makes even harder) and we were together solid for 11 months. It was a first relationship for both of us – we were each other’s best friends. We shared so many firsts. We talked every day on snapchat and Facetime. We rarely fought but there were times I felt like he was boring and redundant and found myself complaining. He adored the ground I walked on and I could do no wrong EVER. He would talk about marriage, kids, going to college together (and this stuff began to scare me because we are so young and inexperienced) If we had an argument, he would plead with me to talk it out and tell me he didn’t want to lose me. The relationship got to a point that i felt he became obsessive and dominated all of my time outside of him playing hockey- he said he couldn’t help himself but I noticed all his priorities (besides our relationship) for what should also be important to him like school and sports because much less important to him and I was his main focus. His parents were also giving him grief about this too because he is an honors student with a huge hockey career path in front of him that he seemed to be not caring about. While I loved the attention, it became way too much for me and I felt like I had no space at all. He would follow me from class to class in school and never give me any alone time. As a result, I wasn’t the nicest person to him towards the end. I got frustrated one day in school (the same day he was about to give me our year anniversary present early with a handmade card) and I broke his heart by breaking up with him. I was crying when it happened and I regret it every minute since. Initially he wouldn’t leave me alone trying to understand (I had been slowly pulling away) and I sort of fibbed and said that I had been feeling this way for a long time. He had a really tough time with it. For about 10 days, he tried to contact me for various reasons – i always answered him but I didn’t realize at that point how much I would really end up missing him and be sorry for what i had done. From day one though I was holed up in my room depressed. Well time went on and for a while we remained civil and pleasant with each other. I would reach out and text him and he would reply always in a nice way. This went on for about a month. He then took the last photo down from his instagram. Two weeks later he asked me to do the same and I was upset about it because it became final to me and I was still holding on. I gave him a hard time but in the end I removed them. It broke my heart to do it. I emailed him and told him why it made me upset and that I was sorry. He didn’t reply. Since then, if I texted him with normal messages he would reply. We wished each other Happy Holidays etc. Then New Year’s came and i sent him a note, he replied back. He asked how my New Years was and I told him not so great because I missed him and I made mistakes. He said “It was OK”. I said it wasn’t OK and he said I don’t know what you want me to say…then I found out he had a small last minute party for New Years and was drunk and made out with some girl. I too, had some people over, one of which was a friend of his and tried to make a move on him which he declined. I felt rejected and then my ex found out. I think it made him angry and he lashed out one day at lunch out loud and said something about it. Then a week later, he opened my snapchat story of me at a party having fun with friends while he had a hockey game. That night i texted him and asked how the game went – he replied simply -we lost. When I asked him the score, he never replied. The next night he threw a HUGE party and invited about 30 people (all popular kids in school- who he is friends with but not really that close). He and other’s posting pictures all over social media. Since then, he really has been avoiding me in school, won’t look at me in the eye and what seemed like we were still friends to some degree on social media, has diminished. Now it has been 2 1/2 months. He has partying with friends every weekend now which he had never done before. I couldn’t help myself and sent him a full out text telling him how much I loved him and I felt about him, and why I did what i did. That I thought about him every single day. How great we had it and that I thought we had a chance to try again but differently this time. I asked him simply to think about it. He did write back within a half hour with about a paragraph which was really not bad. He said he understood everything I wrote to him but that he really needed to focus on hockey, school and college which he had let suffer and that he wasn’t looking to be in a relationship right now. I know his parents had a lot to do with this and it was all true – he wasn’t focused at all on those things. I can’t help but be devastated. I miss him so much. Now with junior promposals all over the place, I feel like I am going to die if I see his happen (not sure what he will do). I think i need to leave it be for now. He used to like my photos on instagram, and since New Year’s he has stopped. Please offer me some guidance!

I am so sorry to not have accepted the post sooner. My bad. I actually thought I had but just noticed I hadn’t.

What a sad story it. I remember that period in my life oh-so-well. I have journals from when I was your age (high school’s a pain really) and many of the guys I was so gutted over back then I can not even remember. Seriously. Ok not ones I was with for a whole year…but honestly now is the time to have lots of friends and no boyfriends.

Find a friend to go to the prom with. One there’s no danger of it being romantic with and just go have fun (if it comes to that).

I wasted so much of high school worrying about what people thought of me…Worrying about guys ALL_THE_TIME and I wasted much more time than I should have on all of it.

You just get back to being your awesome self. Formulate some solid friendship and try not to cyber snoop on him and his parties and what he’s getting up to. The one benefit I had when I was your age is there was no Instagram. Or any other social media platform. So we didn’t always know what everyone else was doing. It was better that way.

Not reality now I realise (I am a Social Media trainer so I am on every channel all the time too!) but really try not to look at his stuff on social. Seriously block yourself from doing it.

Do some writing about what you’re feeling. Find some friends to confide in when you need a boost.

Focus on your college plans and think about where you’re going.

Plenty of time to date later. Now is the time to get to know all sorts of guys…and get to really know yourself.

Part of this you’ve got going on is the forbidden fruit. Think back to the fact you dumped him. He was nice but a bit dull. You ended it for a reason – so don’t keep doubting yourself about it all ok?

You may or may not get back with him – who knows. But for now work on feeling good about you.

You’re awesome. I can tell xxx

Dear Thea,
The man I was in a relationship for over 10 years, suddenly reconnected with an old sweetheart and 6 months later married her. I am still brokenhearted even though he never made any promises, I loved him very much, still do. We did part as friends even though a friendship can never be. I have a special picture of him (I’m not in it) taken at his daughters wedding 9 years ago. I can’t bare to look at it without feeling pain but I also can’t burn or shred it. I was thinking about sending it to him, no note or words. He will know it’s from me but I absolutely do not expect or want a response. What do you think? ORIGINALLY SENT ON JAN 16,2016. Please help me Thea. I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this.

Maybe you send it to the daughter instead? If he’s moved on and is with someone else I think I might just leave it. I mean you can send it. There’s not really any major “harm” in passing it along but why? If it’s a picture you like – put it in an envelope and put it away. Keep it for yourself. He ended and moved swiftly on. Eventually you won’t be heartbroken anymore. You’ll be glad of a nice photo of him. (I stupidly ripped and ditched many of mine…Now they’d be a reminder of a time when I loved and was loved).

You follow your own gut. I would just ask you to question why you feel the need to give the picture to him. Be honest with yourself. What are you hoping for in doing so?

Sorry you’re going through what you are. I have been there before as you may have read.

10 years is a long time to be with someone (way longer than mine was) but focus on gratitude that you had that. What you took away from it. And keep faith you’ll love again. You will if you want to. xo

Dear Thea,
Thank you so much for your reply. It really made me face some hard facts. I think what I was hoping for was to just cross his mind once more, even for a moment. I know that he might think about me for a few moments, if even that, and I will never know either way. So really, does me no good at all.

I really am grateful for loving him, he did come into my life when I really needed someone and I will never regret it. I pretty much told him those same things when we parted and he responded thoughtfully and kindly. I don’t want seem too pathetic and needy (which I feel at times but getting better) and I think I will just leave it alone now. I have put the picture away and hopefully will be able to look at it one day and feel good about what we had.
Thank you so much for hearing me out.


Thea, please answer!

I just came across this site and would love your advice.

I just broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 1 and a half years 5 days ago because I found out he was matching with and messaging other women on Tinder. (I know, I’m still in the “raw” place.)

The relationship had been on the rocks for a while but the fact that he did that instead of just doing the decent thing and breaking up with me first, especially because I had told him that if he ever felt the desire to cheat he should break up with me, is eating me alive. I had suspected him of cheating before this but ignored my gut instincts because I loved him and wanted to believe him when he told me nothing was going on.

When I confronted him he first said he was blackout drunk and didn’t remember doing it, then that he just wanted to “talk to someone,” then that he probably wanted to “subconsciously sabotage our relationship and get it over with,” which obviously worked. He also said he was so sorry, that it was a huge mistake, that he still loved me, that our relationship and I deserve much better than what he did, etc. We both knew it was over and he didn’t make any noises about wanting to still be with me after I broke up with him.

I know he doesn’t want to get back together with me and I don’t want to get back together with him. It never would have worked out long-term, which we both knew; we’re incompatible at a base level but I still loved him. It’s extremely painful since I had been worried about him cheating on me our entire relationship and then he finally did. My nightmares were suddenly a reality.

We lived together and I had moved out in a hurry on Saturday after I broke up with him. I couldn’t stand to be there one more minute after I confronted him and I was so hurt and angry that I just wanted to get away. Today I had to make contact with him after five days of No Contact because my work sent a check that I need to his house.

I asked him to forward me the check and then I said something I regret: “By the way: I don’t hate you and I think we could actually be friends eventually. I’m just going to need a lot of time. Right now I’m still angry and completely, utterly devastated, and I don’t know how long that will last. But thank you for sending the envelope.”

And he said, “I hope we can eventually be friends as well. I would really like that. I still feel awful, you and our relationship deserved a much better ending. If there is anything I could ever do for you just say it.”

Now, you would think all is hunky dory after that exchange, but a few hours after I sent the text I realized there’s no way I can be friends with him after what he did, just for my own self-respect, and I don’t think I can ever forgive him. Right after we broke up I told him I don’t want to be friends, and that was the truth. Now I’ve gone back on it and regret it. This is the first time anyone has ever done anything like this to me and I feel like my heart has been broken into a million shards of glass that are now stabbing me all over.

I need to send him a text, or series of texts, saying that I thought about it after I said that and decided that I can’t be friends with him. I intend to do this with the expectation that he will not answer these texts and that this will be the end of all contact for us, which is what I want. I don’t want to speak to him again, ever, at this point, but I also don’t want him to think that what I said earlier means I forgive him for what he did or that it’s OK in any way. I suspect that second reason is the real reason I want to send this message.

I’ve thought about a few versions and wanted your opinion on whether I should just leave what I said alone as I might regret it later or send one of these series of messages:

The first, more succinct series:

“I’ve thought a lot about the possibility of us being friends and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you for what you did.

I can’t keep someone in my life who disrespected and lied to me. You chose to betray me in the most deceitful, personal way possible instead of being honest and breaking up with me when you realized you wanted someone else.

Your actions are indicative of how little respect you must have had for me as a person or as your long-term girlfriend. Knowing that, I can’t be friends with you.”

Then, the more emotionally fraught series:

“After our conversation the other day, I thought a lot about the possibility of us being friends. I came to the conclusion that at this point I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you.

I can’t keep someone in my life who disrespected and lied to me. You chose to betray me in the most deceitful, personal ways possible instead of being honest and breaking up with me when you realized you wanted someone else.

I should have trusted my instinct after I found all those things from other women and saw your Snapchat filled with private pictures from other women. I tried so hard to ignore my own instincts about your actions because I loved you so much.

I wanted so badly to believe you every time you said you would never cheat on me, but you had either already done so or you were actively looking for the opportunity to do so that night. As you’ve said repeatedly, I deserve better.

Your actions are indicative of how little respect you must have had for me as a person or as your long-term girlfriend. Knowing that, for the sake of my own self-respect, I can’t be friends with you.”

Alternatively I could just keep it brief and send,

“I’ve thought about the possibility of us being friends and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you. For my own self-respect, I can’t leave the possibility of keeping you in my life open after you disrespected me and our relationship in the most breathtakingly hurtful way possible. I think it would be best if we aren’t friends.”

The latter series is the one I wrote first, when I was extremely upset, and the former is the pared down version. That last is as civil as I can keep it right now. I’ve talked to my best friend and my therapist about it and they both told me to explore the intentions behind why I want to send these messages before I do so.

For me I think it’s mainly because I’m scared my magnanimous message today might have made him think that what he did is OK when it’s not and never will be. It’s also because I genuinely don’t want him in my life after what he did and I regret saying we could be friends.

I don’t want any contact with him after this and I think it would give me a little closure to stick in the detail about how disrespected I feel and how he betrayed me after reassuring me for an entire year and a half that he would never cheat on me, and then doing exactly that.

What do you think? I’m planning on employing the 48 Hour rule but I will definitely be sending him some kind of message rescinding the possibility of friendship. After thinking about it I just can’t take the chance of leaving that possibility open.

Sweetie…I actually hope that you don’t reach out again at all (to him).

I hope you send no further texts, consider my response as “none of the above”….

I hope that you stick with your original impulse – which is that some day you may be friends. Who knows? I don’t. You don’t. But what I do know is you’re acting from a very raw, hurt, unforgiving place and you won’t always feel that way.

Honey you HAVE TO Forgive him at some point – FOR YOU not for him.

That doesn’t mean you condone his behaviour it just means you have to release it because the alternative is that it damages YOU not him.

He sounds like a pretty good guy that did a shite thing (or two), you know?

When I say “forgive” – I am no suggesting you forget it.

Also that you ever get back together with him now that the trust is gone, but you do need to forgive him – EVENTUALLY so you are free to love and trust again in time…

I was like you and felt like what was done to me was a total deal breaker – and it was for a relationship with the guy but after I healed, worked on me, worked on forgiving and letting go, I could totally be friends with the guy who broke my heart the way you describe.

I am very glad we split in 99 before all this social media was out there. Before all these tempting channels were there etc.

I am one for letting go and not burning bridges. We are all flawed and we all hurt people in some way – not saying you’d behave the way he did, but just that he’s just flawed and doing the best he can. Like the rest of us.

Sounds like there was no malice and there is remorse, you know?

Guys are also wired different to how we are. It’s how P 0 R N is so popular for guys (even in loving and committed relationships) and less so for women.

Yes maybe he was self-sabbotaging or just looking for some meaningless distractions for whatever reason…and yes it effing hurts you, I get that, but just please sit on these messages for a while longer.

Months if possible. And work on forgiving him for being weak or flawed or whatever.

I have sent all the messages you did above – when raw and I ended up regretting it or going back on it.

In my mind, from what you’ve said, there’s no reason to reach out to him for any reason…

Get a journal and rant to your heart’s content. Write here on “Have something to say to your ex” but please just don’t contact him – AGAIN! Not until you’re more close to ambivalence about it all? Can you try that for me? I know it’s not what you want to hear but trust me as your “future self” you’ll thank me later.

I’ve seen this sort of thing both from my own personal viewpoint and from 16 years of running this site.

Leave it just now. Focus your energy on you. He’s inconsequential. You thinking you need to say ANYTHING to him is just a thought. Our thoughts lie. Do not trust your thoughts (fueled by ego, and a hurt one at that) OK?

Here if you need to vent s’more xx


Oh, Thea – thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It really means a lot that you took the time to think about what I said and the time to reply back to me.

Unfortunately, “he’s a good guy who made a mistake or two” isn’t actually all that accurate in this case. He had most likely been cheating on me the entire time we were together, based on many things I found. This last time was just the time I found irrefutable evidence I could no longer rationalize or explain away to myself. This is the first reason I’m tempted to just cut him out of my life – he lied to me the entire time we were together while vehemently denying that he was doing anything wrong and making me out to be the crazy one.

My love for him and desperate desire to believe him caused me not to trust my own instincts, which it turns out were spot on the whole time. He was also completely inconsiderate of me the entire time we were dating and clearly didn’t respect me, neither of which I could bring myself to acknowledge in the open until this final blow but both of which I could see the whole time. He bends over backwards in his own mind to make it seem like he’s in the right. He was incapable of spontaneously apologizing to me for anything until this last exchange we had. It was one of the first times he had ever apologized to me without my prompting him to do so, and it was definitely the first time he had ever acknowledged that I was right instead.

The other reason is we have no mutual friends, nothing in common besides a mutual physical attraction, and we live 100 miles apart. Even if I did decide to be “friends” with him, unless we go out of our way to keep in touch we’ll never see each other again, which is how I want it. We had almost nothing in common and were together because of a strong mutual physical attraction that developed into a strong infatuation that we mistook for love and then were too cowardly to break off when we realized it wasn’t, rather than because we liked who one another were as people. Not much of a basis for a friendship.

I know he’s flawed and I’m empathetic to that. I can see now that he has his own host of issues that have nothing to do with me that lead him to cheat on me. I just got the shrapnel from them. I don’t blame myself for what he did, though I do take responsibility for my flaws in the relationship. I’m working on forgiving myself for not trusting myself in the moment and for not breaking it off as soon as I knew it wasn’t going to work between us, which was months before we actually broke up.

With all that said, I want to tell him I don’t want to be friends with him because I want to close off the possibility of him contacting me again. That’s it, really. I know I’m hurt and raw right now, but I just can’t see a circumstance in the future where I’d be happy to hear from him for all the reasons detailed above. Some people just cause you pain, and I think you should remove those people from your life for your own peace.

I also believe he’s only expressing remorse in this case because I finally caught him. He continued to lie to my face until the moment we parted ways, and I knew he was lying.

I hope this gives what I said more context. Thank you so much again for this outlet and for taking the time to reply to me. It really means a lot.

Well I still stand by my suggestion…regardless but if you feel you need to send it.

Send it. There’s no “harm” in it. Follow your gut, as I said.

Remove and move on. Feel. Deal. Heal. Bring in someone who will share your level of feelings, loyalty, fidelity and commitment.

Good luck!


Hi Thea,

I’ve been married for 15 years (2 kids) and was recently told it is over. Basically we have grown apart. We don’t fight or argue much, we are experts at managing the logistics of our household, but we have neglected the relationship. I am somewhat at peace with whatever outcome; overtime I’ve come to learn that challenges come and go, things change but we as individuals adjust and make the best of it. This knowledge doesn’t take the hurt and pain permanently away, but it helps. I have written an apology letter I’d like your opinion on. I will admit that I’d love to fix our relationship, but that is not the purpose of this letter. Deep down I believe my wife need this; I think she needs me to acknowledge my mistakes and apologize. However, I’m not a woman and I’ve been wrong about my assumptions many times.

Thanks for taking the time!

Here it is:

Dear Ex,
Recently I learned that one of my core assumptions about marriage was completely wrong. I really believed that marriage can last forever solely on compromise. I now realize that I neglected our relationship and took you for granted because I thought that you had to stay with me no matter what. I am sorry that I took you for granted. You are worthy of love and I am sorry I never learned to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I am sorry you had to carry the full burden of romance and intimacy in our marriage. I am sorry that I could not create the connectedness and intimacy that you so many times asked for, and that I did not put my all into spending more time with you. I am sorry I didn’t look into your eyes when we spoke. I am sorry I stopped holding your hand, hugging and kissing you and many others small but meaningful acts of love.
Thinking that compromise was enough, made me think it was ok to prioritize work over us. I am sorry that I never achieved a better balance between family and work. I am sorry you went through pregnancy on your own. I am sorry that many times although physically present, everything else about me was absent. I am sorry I didn’t listen when you explained to me how you felt about us, and I am sorry that I didn’t pay more attention to your needs. I know that this lack of support on my part erode the love between us. I am really sorry that I abandoned you and that you have to endure it and suffer alone.

That is a nice, heartfelt, apologetic email. How do you suppose it will be received?


Thank you… the word in my apology letter is not compromise, is commitment. I translated incorrectly from the spanish word “compromiso”. It should make more sense now.

To answer your question, I have no idea. If I had to guess I’ve thought of two possibilities, either she asks me what the hell am I doing? Or, what do I think the letter will accomplish? Or the second possibility, she does not show a reaction and act as if nothing happened. There is no expectation on my part, it just a feeling I have that tells me it is the right thing to do. I’m still working on the when to deliver it and how to deliver it.

My situation is strange. We are still living together but sleeping in separate rooms, I think she hasn’t said anything to anyone because everyone is acting normal including my mother in law who lives next door (we are very close). However, we went through this 12 years ago and aside from talking about it with family and other people, everything else seems and feels the same as our previous break-up. Last time she ended up leaving and coming back after 6 months. That is part of the reason I think I’m so calm; I’ve been through this already; it is not new territory – except now we have children.

I appreciate your opinion.


I am just wounding if you can help me here I spit up with my ex bf 5years ago and really will not for give my self of what I have done. I diudent have no choice cos my parent’s found out and I want to say how deeply how sorry I am it still hurts me in side to this day I do still miss him from the dottm of my heart which is not good jut don’t know what to do at all 🙁

Hey sam, can I call you that? You totally have to forgive yourself right here and now. Stop wasting time and energy on something that’s been over FOR YEARS. Whatever you did was 5 years ago. If you feel you need to write one short note apologising then do. But I’d probably write it to yourself rather than him. Or if you do write it to him don’t send it. He’ll be so far moved on now it will just be a bolt out of the blue to get a message from you. He’ll be like “That was years ago” type of thing. He’s likely moved on and is fine now…Or is he? Do you know? I would either do some writing or praying to just release this whole thing and move on to something better for both of you,…OK? You hang in there m’dear!


This is the letter I sent to my ex.

Hey Sarah
Remember all those shows we use to watch together like prison break, living with Kardashians and fall sleep in each others arms. Watching indian movies with me. Playing soccer where I always beat u hahaha. Those car skids I taught you. Coming at my work to help me. Those all memories always bring smile on my face.
I just sending a quick message and apologize for my behavior lately. Was behaving immature. After giving time to myself now I totally understand where you was coming from. I kept thinking about myself never thought about you being in this relationship. I just don’t want any more fights so I accept your decision. Should have accepted it very first place and respected your decision. But things happen for reason.
Oh! Some good news, I finally talked about my past with a counselor and thinks are getting good after getting counseled. All the threads that were holding me to my past are cutting off slowly. I wish to talk about this with you one day.
No matter what path we take in our life I always remember you as my princess of punjab. You made me into a person what I am today. You motivated me enough that I got courage to talj to my parents and get couselled. I am gaining my confidence back. It has brought stability in my life. I will never be denial that what kind of person I am is just only because of “YOU”. You have brought a new Nav on this world with great potential. You helped me to get over my past and think in positive way. Those 16 months 23 days I have just you in my memories. I could not be proud enough to ever called you my girlfriend. You was the best mentor I ever had in my life. You are an amazing person inside and outside. Everything about you I just love it. Your smile your sassy comments. That kid you have in you always bring a smile to me. Those beautiful eyes always reminded me my mom. You always have a special place in my heart. Will always admire you and the memories we share together.
All the best for your classes and future. If you ever need my help just let me know. This friend is always there to help his friend like you.
All the best


Hello to everyone!
I must say, reding this blog helped me a lot. So, two weeks ago was the last I’ve heard from my friend. He wasn’t really my boyfriend but we were getting closer and closer over the last few months and we had an agreement he would come to see me this summer and we would even fo to the coast together. He lives in a different country, not that far and it’s really not a problem when it comes to visiting. He even once said he would like to find a job in my country. In that point I thought our friendly relationship is really moving towards something bigger. AND he said this (many times, when I would get all unsecure about us): !I PROMISE I will come to see you in the summer”. So, as you all can tell, summer comes, he starts to back off, making excuses. I talked to him before about this, saying ignoring me won’t help us, that I would like for him to be honest with me. And things weere good for a while. At least I thought. Lately he would acuse me of being dramatic and TOO emotional (!). And I can tell you, I am very emotional, but I never acted like a crazy person – calling him all the time, texting like crazy, going nuts when he wouldn’t reply for a few hours. I have never done that. Yes, I would get upset when he said he would call but then he didn’t. It shows lack of respect and you don’t treat your friends (and something more) like that. The last drop was right before my birthday I asked him when should we plan for him to come and he says “I can’t and I won’t pay”. I lost it. Honestly, it felt like a knife. To what i responded tah he is a liar and a childish person and that I understand the money issues but the “I won’t” part I can’t understand, not after months of promises. He was very rude and cold, and just plain heartless. So I wrote him a message two days after (on my bithday) saying:

“With all those people around you still miss someone. That will pass too. So at this first day of my new life I just wanna say I am very sorry for how things are now between us. I am sorry I was so emotional with you. I guess I don’t know any differnt. I don’t know how to have emotionless sex and how to be friends with benefits. It’s not your fault. I liked you as a person and as a friend with a chance of being something more. I liked you since the first time I saw you and you were always on my mind. So forgive me for developing some emotions for you. And it hurt me that you were this way with me because I think I never did anything wrong to you. If I did, I apologize. One of these days I won’t imagine you waking up next to me and it wil all be back to normal. And I won’t bother you again. Sorry I was trouble.”

The trouble part I wrote because he once said he has enough trouble with me to be with someone else. 🙂
I never got a reply, that was 16 days ago. I wasn’t really expecting it but on the other hand I did. Because now I feel likeI was nothing to him. I feel like dirt. Not one word. That is just sad. What kind of person is he? I just can’t believe somene can be so cold.


Hi Chief,

Forgive me for being selfish. I was selfish, I focused on the wrong things to bring me some kind of relief from the stress of having to be somebody in this world, when I was far from it. I was young. I still am, I’m still selfish.. clearly because I am here still bringing this up just because it is in the back of mind even though I have already been respecting the silence you want. I want to change, I want to continue leaving you alone, I want to improve myself, and I will be doing all those things.. but, it’s still all to be with you or someone like you.

I’ve listened to just about everyone and myself, I’ve tried to look for signs, I’ve tried to be honest with my intentions, my wants, needs, my past, our past. I’ve been with other girls, I imagined you with another man, I then focused on doing my best to focus on me in a world without you.

I’m sorry for not respecting you. I am sorry for playing games when we had something so beautiful. I hope the person you are meant to be with is a real man with a drive to continue growing along your side. I hope they don’t end video chats with silence just to have some kind of “control”. I hope they don’t forget to remind you every day to wear whatever you want. I hope they encourage you to love children as much as you do, to talk the way you please, walk the way you please, and go wherever you please. I hope they love you more than being with you. I hope they don’t ask you to limit these things that make you the amazing person you are. I hope you continue to see through the people that do try, and you do to them as you did with me.

I hope you never regret your decision breaking up with me. I hope you instilled the one moment of clarity I had after our breakup when I told you that you made the right decision. I hope that the image you hold of me is the man who told you to follow your heart no matter what even if it is away from me. The same man who you said is an amazing teacher, who genuinely cares about people and sees the best in them. I am that person again chief. I am the old me, but guess what. I am so much more than that now.

I want to leave you alone chief, but you’ve taught me so much. I want to forget about you so that you never have to worry about me intruding into your world again. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to lose you, and I wish I could say that I am or have been too hard on myself and I deserve to have you back in my life, but I do not want any excuses. I made a mistake, I’m moved on, and I want to continue to find success in making the most out of my life… giving back to my family who I neglected so much when I was with you. They gave me everything, and I gave it all to you for some reason. Then I didn’t, I made shit up and tried to blame them for not being able to handle stress the way I used to. I complained about things that were disguised opportunities for me to grow and I crashed and burned when I lost you too. No more will I live to please, no more will I have expectations. Today and every day on ward I will base my ideals with my heart.

My heart told me that no matter what you wore, it was you, and I respected it because you worked it better than anybody gave you credit for. My heart told me that your shortened names for everything were adorable, and the only reason I complained about that or any of the things that were you was because I was jealous of you for being so defined and confident. My heart tells me now to leave you alone. My heart hurts because the right thing to do is to go against the one thing it truly desires: your love. I love you Bubs, so I’m letting you go.


My ex girlfriend split up with me just over a month ago & we were together for 2 & half years. I’m going to go into some detail here of whats happened so you can get an idea of my situation.
So its late 2015 around October time & my girlfriend was just about to start university so we sat down together to come up with a structure of how im going to see her & when, this would be done by train journey. So we figured it out & she started her course at university, everything was going fine, i was coming down when i could & staying the weekends or the days i could get off work to be with her because she was about 1 hour & half train journey from home so it wasn’t easy for her to come back every weekend. Anyway a few months past & it was getting quite hard for me to come down so frequently due to costs & other things which i explained the her & seemed fine, so she ends up going out with a few people from university which was normal & i had full trust for her, but this is where things got a little strange, the day after she had been out i looked at her snapchat story & she was with another guy but in a different kind of way to how you would normally be so i just asked her about it & she said it was nothing & i believed her but what she said next was the big one, she said that when she was out & at the bar with her mate, a lad got talking to her & got the wrong idea & kissed her, she then proceeded to push him away & slapped him, this were her words, so i said the her as calm as i was that we will sort this out but promise me that’s what happened & she did. So without any arguing or anything like that i comforted her because it was a rough time for us both & i tried to make her feel better instead of shit which she said she felt. So a few weeks pass & she’s back home for her brothers birthday & i’m invited round the house to celebrate the occasion, we discussed that we would have a few drinks & spend the night together but as the night went on she wasn’t drinking & being very quiet, which i knew at this point something wasn’t right & she said that she would be the one taking me home that night, anyway she took me home & before i got out the car i just said ‘What is wrong? you’ve been acting strange all night’ & well she just broke down & told me that on that night a lad kissed her it wasnt how she explained it, she said that the two of them had a heart to heart conversation & she felt lonely & they ended up kissing, At this point i’m pretty upset & all i want to do is go mad but i stayed calm & said we will sort this out, she seemed to calm down abit & we talked for over an hour until she calmed down & was ok, she said to me that was the truth & as much as it killed me i said we will work it out, we hugged for ages & we left it at that. To cut it shorter after a rough patch after she went back to university we sorted things out & we were back to normal. Fast forward a few months & she’s taking her final exams for the year & its a stressful time for her & i understood that but at this point she has broken up with me, the reason she broke up with me is because at one point we discussed going away together, a long weekend trip & we found where we wanted to go but she wanted to go early in the year, now at this point chrismtas has just gone & i cant afford a holiday that short notice, she didnt really like that fact but we decided that we would discuss it further in the year, now a few weeks later my friend said they are thinking of getting a group of our mates together & going away & asked if i wanted to be involved & i said yes, i discussed with my ex & said the lads are thinking of going away but havent really decided yet but she seemed ok with it, a month down the line & the holiday comes ups into conversation with my friends & they go ahead & book it without much hesitation, now i go back to my ex to tell her that the holiday has been booked there & then & her reply was ‘Ok’ with a kissing face so i thought that she was ok with it but she wasnt.. We had a conversation about it & she pretty much broke up with me because i didnt consult her first or out her first which in a way i didnt & i felt awful for it, so i said to my friends that i wasnt going, even though my ex said we arent going to get back together i felt it was the right thing to do, so anyway its her exams & im just being supportive as i can. As her exams go on she’s being very blunt with me & not really engaging in conversation, now at this point im used to it so i dont let it bother me, as long as she does well with her exams thats all im bothered about, as the weeks went by she got increasingly angry with me & at some points told me not to speak to her which i didnt, i gave her the space she needed to do what she needed, but as she kept saying to me though all of this is that we arent going to get back together so i might as well go on holiday with my mates i said many times i wasnt going but she kept reverting back to the whole not getting back together & being horrible with me so i thought ‘you know what i deserve to have some fun & relax’ so thats what i did, i told my friends i was going away with them but i didnt say anything to my ex until she got back because i didnt want it to get in the way of her exams or revision. Right fast forward & the exams are done with & she’s on her way home, now this is where for me things change a bit, so once she’s back home under her own roof with her parents her whole attitude changes towards me, she wants to see my again & conversation goes back to normal, we arent back together but thats what it felt like. She’s picking me up from work & dropping me off ,she’s coming to see me in the evenings & she even comes round my house a few times & just do the things couples do, so at this point everything is normal, but im keeping quite vigilant because i know how she is & her mood can change so quick. So at this point she is aware im going away with my friends & everything just flips on its head she says we cant do this anymore & she said all of this would of had to come to an end anyway when the holiday came around so might as well get it done now & that was it she went back to being blunt on texts & not really interested. So fast forward again & its a Saturday night & she is still being how she was over text but she got quite angry with me this night & told me not to speak to her & if i saw her that night not to approach her, so i responded with a simple ok & went out to a different part of town to her. I’m out with my brother & old works mates & we got chatting to these twos girls, nothing in it just a normal conversation, as you do, anyway when they were leaving they wanted a picture with myself & my brother which we did, now one of the girls only came up to my shoulder & i didnt realise this at the time but she’s but she face on my top & a bit of makeup in on the arm of my shirt, so we head back to town where my ex is & we bum it to each other.. (like that wasn’t going to happen) anyway because we both had a drink we shared a few words & went home. I woke up the next morning & felt really bad for the night before so i went to her house & apologized for my behavior & she pretty much said we cant be friends & we cant see each other anymore & she then mentioned the makeup on my shirt which i explained the situation but as you can probably guess she didn’t believe me she thought i had cheated on her which i said was stupid to think considering the pain i went through when she did it to me, i wouldn’t put her though that, anyway she didn’t believe me & we left it at that but we still texted each other & spoke everyday. Ok so lets fast forward again & after thats blown over a little bit she goes back to wanting to see my & pick me up from work & everything else but again she blows hot & cold, she then turns it on its head again & reverts back to saying we cant do this & it was only going to happen anyway when the holiday came round.. so back to square one again but this time she is being quite nasty with her texts & pretty much bringing any minor detail up in our relationship to make me out i’m a horrible person & that i never appreciated anything her family did for me, even though that was nonsense anything i said she didnt really care & proceeded to come out with everything i had done wrong & use it against me. She would revert back to this whole makeup situation & pretty much say ive cheated when i haven’t, it was like she was expecting a different answer but all i could tell her was the truth but that wasn’t enough, anyway she go so mad & pretty much told me to stop speaking to her or she’s block me, i just answered her then she pretty much blocked me off everything you could imagine, apart from email.. So that was it she blocked me out of her life completely without really giving me a chance.

Ok we are nearly there so bare with, now she’s gone on holiday for two weeks which i was aware of before everything kicked off royally & while she was away it was my friends 21st birthday party which i was attending, now while im at this party she message one of the lads that was there on snapchat & this is what she put ‘Please keep an eye on Alex because i know what he’s like once he’s had a drink, he’s a little snack’ now i expected her to message someone but not like that, it was quite shocking really & the words were unexpected but i got on with my night & actually spoke with one of her mates, now this is where things get silly, she had been going around telling her mates that i had cheated on her, now to hear that was heartbreaking really considering i know the feeling of being cheated on & i wouldn’t ever dream of doing that to someone i actually care for so i asked if she could have a work with my ex once she was back.

So she returns from holiday & i know her mate with speak to her but in the mean time i actually sent her an email just asking why she would say that, now it didnt really go down well & she basically just said that i have cheated on her but havent got the bollox to admit it.. Honestly fighting a loosing battle. A week goes by & i said to myself that i cant just leave it on that note with how the emails went, so i went round her house that i had nothing to lose. We spoke & she said she was glad i came round to kind of end things on a good note, she started on with the fact i spoke to her mate while she was away & she said she regretted sending that message to that lad but we sorted that, but this is the proper kick in the shin but i was kind of expecting it, she said that she was speaking with another lad & that she was going to be meeting up with him at some point, to me everything has gone so quick for her to go from A to B i didnt really know what to think so im currently into 38 days nob contact since we last spoke.

I have sent a letter to her not long back just saying I accept the break up & I apologised how I was when I went round, how desperate I was then & that I have something interesting to tell her but haven’t said what that is just yet. I’m struggling to know how to follow this up if she doesn’t unblock me.

I’m sorry its so long i just wanted to give you a good idea of the situation & some advice really


Alex, to be honest mate, it sounds like you guys actually broke up a very very long time ago and everything since has just been a tortuous dragging out of it. She admits she cheated on you, yet you forgave her without any hesitation. Now she’s being adamant that you cheated on her, even though that’s not true. She’s treating you like a doormat and I’d surmise that she *wants* you to have cheated on her so she’s got a proper bona fide excuse to split with you. Her blocking you, plus her last message to hinting that she was going to be (let’s be blunt) dating some new guy was her incredibly immature way of telling you that she was moving on with her life and, hard though it is mate, you just have to rise above it, be the bigger man and let her go and wish her well. You already made a great start of doing that with the letter you sent her, although I’d have left out the bit about having something “interesting” to tell her as, c’mon be honest, that’s just a hook to try and get her to respond back and she obviously has no desire to. She’s had you dangling for months with the constant push/pull and it’s all gameplaying mate, you sound like a nice guy and you deserve, and am capable of getting someone, better. My advice is this, cliched though it is. Let. Her. Go. Don’t try and get in touch with her anymore, all you’ll be doing is feeding her ego. One day you’ll realise that she’s done you a big favour by blocking you as she’ll have started you on the path to someone better. Start focussing on and looking after yourself, it sounds like you’ve got some great mates, make the most of them and be well. Peace out. Darren.


Hi Darren,

I really appreciate your reply, it’s been a pretty awful month for me going through everything but I’m getting there. You’re probably right with the letter so I may just leave it there, everything you have said has opened my eyes a little more do thank you! I may try & contact her again at some point but for now I’m just concentrating on myself & getting things back in order.

Thanks again!


Hi everyone,

So my name is Devon, I am a 31 year old male. About 3 1/2 months ago my girlfriend is 6 1/2 years broke up with me. We lived together for 6 of those years. When we met she was 18 and I was 24. We have had a up and down relationship. We shared a lot of firsts. I believe that we were each other’s first really, very serious relationship. Marriage and children and our futures were discussed. However, she has progressed much faster and further ahead in her professional and financial life than I have. I am still very much lost and without a true purpose.

There have been a lot of good times and bad times. There were a lot of problems with trust, depression, insecuritity and intimacy over the last couple years we were together. We had begun to fight frequently (mostly of really stupid things). I could go into a lot of detail about the problems and the great things in our relationship but that would fill an entire book. I truly believe that we had real love. I adore her with my entire heart. We shared so much… too much; becoming co-dependant. I realize now that I was very much dependant on her. Nonetheless, we helped and supported each other so much – through her close family deaths, family troubles, moves, education, emotionally, etc.

In late June she flew two hours away to go to her brother’s engagement party. Before she left we talked about our future. We had been planning on moving across the country together for her to switch cities for her job, be closer to her family and opportunities for me and us, etc. She told me she needed space. While she was gone for those two and a half weeks a lot of really bad stuffed happened. I was in a car accident, my stepfather’s cancer had progress and my mom lost her eyesight in one eye due to her glaucoma.

I did not tell her any of this because I knew there was nothing she could do and I wanted her to just relax and enjoy herself while I took care of things.

When she got back I told her about the car accident. She then told me she had booked a one way flight for herself to move. She went cold on me and stopped talking as if I was moving with her. Finally two weeks later she broke up with me. That was a really tough day. However since she had to move and ship her things out of our place and live together for the next two weeks I did my very best to suck it up and be stoic. She made it seem like she would see how she felt about us – sorta keeping me on the hook.

After she left things deteriorated. I spiralled into the darkest place I’ve ever gone. We talked a few times. I was very resentful that she left me in such a predicament with having to deal with everything our shared lives entailed. I had to move out of the place we had by myself (her excuse was that it was my things). I had to deal with our shared car and it’s return through a class action recall – which was a mess. There were a lot of things going on. Since then we have spoken on the phone a few times and messaged each other. At first it was very emotional. Now it has become pleasant and I am doing my very best to reframe the situation and focus on being positive when we speak.

I am afraid that her family has also influenced her a great deal in breaking up with me. Regardless – I do truly, deeply love this woman! I know in my heart that I will always love her and possibly be in love with her.

I wrote countless letters but this is the one I’m closest to sending. I’d appreciate any and all feedback.

[Her name]

Hi! So I finally got around to mailing this letter. Ideally I wish I could talk to you in person. Although, letters are a great and thoughtful way of communicating – a girl and her family taught me that 😉

I’m enjoying the smell and feeling of the cold – there is something really nice about creating warmth when it’s cold. I know you know what I mean – feeling safe and warm. Sitting by a fire!

I had found it difficult to communicate for a long time, I needed time – but after a lot of serious (self)reflection, therapy, reading, meditation and action I have come to understand (patterns about) myself and our relationship that transcends anything I could ever write. Things happen for a reason! I have done the deepest soul searching and self-reflection I’ve ever done in my life. Getting to this point has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done and learned from. I understand and accept that the relationship we had is gone and had been for a longtime. There is serenity and solace in understanding and accepting that in order to move on and live life to its fullest.

I take responsibility for my part in what happened between us! I made a series of terrible mistakes and got stuck in a pattern. I stopped being my true self, I became a passenger in my own life. I stopped following my own path and pursuing my own dreams. I realize why you didn’t want me to just follow you to Vancouver. Things between us receded into comfortability, routine and complacency. I was absent in multiple ways.

Apologizing seems insufficient yet should be acknowledged completely. I deeply and sincerely apologize for my behaviour and actions. I apologize for being absent in so many ways. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for letting you down. I am sorry for letting us down as a couple.

I kept saying things were circumstantial – mostly because I didn’t take responsibility. I was in my own head, self-absorbed, struggling with my own pain, fears and inner demons. I was reactionary and my reactions were self-serving instead of truly listening, acknowledging and truly understanding you and your needs and what you were trying to communicate to me both verbally and non-verbally. I was so caught up in my own negativity that I manifested exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I took everything for granted – you, us and myself. I was living in my own delusional world where I thought everything would magically fix itself. Things don’t magically fix themselves – that’s not how reality and life works.

All this happened for far too long! I wasn’t in control of my emotions, reacting very negatively and often with resentment, fear and anger. I didn’t have good and healthy coping mechanisms. I was not being the man that I can be. I wasn’t living up to my potential, the virtues and expectations I have for myself. It’s unfortunate that it took us splitting, guilt, loss and grief for me to truly comprehend things. I found a short letter you wrote me almost a year ago. In it you said how you knew I was hurting and that in your heart you knew we could work through it. You extended your hand but I didn’t take it. I am often too stubborn for my own good. I confused confidence and stoicism with blind pride and stubbornness. You deserved better from me. I stopped giving you the real love, affection and intimacy you deserved and that was a terrible mistake on my part.

My failures have taught me invaluable lessons that have changed my outlook, actions and reactions towards life! You told me we were unhappy trying to make each other happy. Happiness begets happiness as a byproduct of self love, purpose, inner strength and peace – in a relationship it becomes a feedback loop.

[Her name], everyone makes mistakes in relationships. Problems happen in relationships. I truly believe that when a person understands and takes responsibility for themselves that things get better. I also believe that people can go through difficult times and come out better and stronger because of them. There is a Japanese art form and philosophy that perfectly encompasses my meaning. It’s called Kintsugi. It’s a beautiful art form and concept. You should check it out when you get a chance.

I have come to understand that the many small decisions a person makes in life add up. It is important to focus on the things that truly matter in life! Dreams and goals are very important to me. My dreams and goals are very important to me. Your dreams and goals are very important!

One lesson I’ve learned is that a person must control their thoughts. When a person takes real responsibility for their life, has gratitude/graciousness/prospective, plans out their goals and are in control of their emotions, their happiness and life becomes independent of the world around them. Therefore, they are able to make the world a better place! Thoughts become things!

I am striving to be a better version of myself than when I was previously at my very best. At the same time, I will never be my very best! Never! I want to be the man that always pushes himself to be better – stronger, smarter, healthier, more compassionate, more virtuous. I want to be my own hero always 10 years in my own future. In order to strive towards that I’ve had to acknowledge and learn from my failures and lay them to rest while preserving the memories and lessons that are built on solid ground. I was at fault for a lot of what caused our breakup and although I want to make it right I can only learn from this and become a better man because of it.

We shared a lot and did so much together! I shared more of myself with you than I have with anyone else in my life. So many memories and experiences. There are a lot of unbelievably special memories of you and us together! It’s the graciousness and appreciation that matters, doing things out of love, out of real love and real compassion!

I thought back through all those memories. Those that meant the most were the ones where it was just us. The simple things like waking up before you and seeing you sleeping next so me. Smiling, laughing, teasing, tickling, caressing and making eye contact. Getting coffee for each other, holding hands and squeezing “I love you”, picking out ice cream flavours, grocery shopping, cooking and travelling together. Us swimming at the cottage – holding you in the water and kissing. Supporting each other’s ambitions, having complementary goals, holding you (watching something – from fireworks to tv). Climbing down the side of the mountain going to Amethyst Cove or walking a beach somewhere together. Talking, in-depth discussions, sharing and being passionate, positive and attractive.

I sincerely want you to feel and be happy – I want you to smile everyday and have that sparkle in your eyes – to have all four kinds of love from one person at one time. You deserve real love!
C.S. Lewis wrote a book called “The Four Loves”. In it he outlines the four Greek words used for love and the meaning behind them.
Storge – Affection
Phileo – Friendship
Eros – Romantic
Agape – Unconditional
I had all four loves for you at one time.

You asked me many times over the years how much I loved you – I said something that I thought was romantic at the time – how I loved you more than all the grains of sand on Earth, or the stars in the sky. I loved you to the moon and back (which coincidentally is the distance a human heart can power over the course of a person’s life). That you were a dream while sleeping in Heaven. The truth is, I should have said, I love you enough that I would let you go if that was what you wanted; if that made you a happier and a better person. We say we love something so we possess it, use it – really if we love something we should cherish it for what it is and be honest about possession vs love. Still, you were my lady and I was your man.

A lot of really wonderful things have been happening over the past few months. I just had to open myself up to letting them happen through being positive, gracious, focused and disciplined. A lot has changed very quickly. No excuses – just doing things and not over thinking them. No more regrets! I’m not only working to make my life better, I’m trying my best to help and hold up a lot of other people right now. It’s difficult but family is important and it is making me a better (more patient) person! I want to be that rock in people’s lives, someone that can be counted on and there to help when there is trouble or strife.

When you read this my hope is that you don’t just think about what I have written, I hope you feel it. There is no room for indecisiveness, bitterness, resentment, regret and negativity. This isn’t just a letter, these aren’t just words to me – I’ve lived them, I’m living them. I need you to know that because when the arrow went in, it had to be pulled out for this wound not to become infected. Life is too short and too beautiful. You are proof of that. Maybe that’s too cryptic but someday I hope you will understand what I mean.

I hope you are doing well. I’m sure you are. Just the same please take care of yourself.
Know that I care, that I’m not indifferent.

Were you born in autumn,
As the river froze?
Cause you shut up
And you’re shut in
And I know that
You’ve got your reasons
But even still, listen:
Honey, let your red heart show

As you say, “Peace, Love and Karma.”


[…] I did it. I wrote my ex a letter. It was a particularly long letter and it had 1,886 words and was almost three pages in length. No, I didn’t send it, but it was a very important step. I have known for a long time that I wanted to write my ex a letter. […]

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