7 Things to Remember After a Breakup…
You are not alone!
You’re not alone. It may feel like it, but you are not the only one going through this, or who’s ever been through this. Every minute of every day someone is getting left behind by someone they love. Finding a safe place to share your story or read others will make you feel less alone. Read encouraging words of others or offer them yourself – when you feel able. This site is about people helping people. A shared experience.
You will be happy again
Breakups happen to most of us, at some point, and when they do, it can feel like you’ll be lonely, hurt, angry and sad F O R E V E R.
In my experience (of 16 years running this site), few people never get over it. Those who don’t – have made being stuck – a choice. They’ve decided to hold on to the hurt and bitterness and justified how right they are and not spent that energy on letting go and moving on.If you want to be happy and love again, I believe wholeheartedly you can and will, but it’s down to you…(and maybe some help from a professional!)
You’re still lovable
If there is one thing a breakup or divorce can do to us – it’s make us feel as though we’re unworthy of love. We can often end up feeling inadequate or like a failure who no one will ever love again.Similar to my last point, I believe it’s ultimately down to you. If you work on questioning those thoughts and committing to be being open to love – I feel you will love again.I can’t say when, but I can say you’re more likely to if you believe you are loveable and you welcome it.Just because one person has said they no longer want to be in a relationship with you – doesn’t mean no one ever will.
You will bounce back
In life we all experience setbacks and upsets. No one will ever get through life without them to some degree.As Confucius famously said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
Resilience is a skill and it can, and should, be learned. The bad days will eventually become OK and the OK days eventually become good again…if you let them.When you have the dark, hopeless thoughts, go back to a different time when you felt bad and remind yourself that you got through that, and you will get through this.Instead of marinating in the misery remind yourself, “This feels awful, but I know it’s only temporary, this too shall pass”.The self talk is so important right now – so make sure you’re saying the right things to yourself.
There is no race
Whether your ex has left you for someone else – or yet to move on – bear in mind it is not a race. It’s not that one person wins and one loses. It’s tempting to want to beat them in the race to couplehood, but that’s an ill-advised race. Just because someone has moved on to a new relationship, doesn’t mean that they’re over their ex. It often just means they’re distracting themselves in an attempt to move on (particularly in those first few weeks or months).
So as tempting as it may be to rush on to Match or eHarmony or OK Cupid, take a step back, focus on your own life and what’s working and what’s not and don’t just rush to meet Mr or Mrs New. Now I don’t expect you to heed my warning – I’ve had sixteen years of people ignoring my advice, but I will say the dating sites are RIFE withe people who have no business even being on them. Many are not over their exes, or they’re in unhappy relationships or just looking for some distractions. Not all of course, but certainly many “walking wounded” wind up there. Take time, feel, deal, heal and then move on in your own time and way. This is not a race. Don’t let your ego convince you otherwise.
Your happiness is YOUR responsibility
Whether your ex treated like a king or queen or like you meant nothing – is actually no different. Your happiness, your future, your success is down to you and not them. I have a friend who has an ex…They split up over half-a-dozen years ago and the ex still plays the same broken record – it’s a “Come back and fix my life” type of record. Even though my friend has been happy in a new relationship for five years! That person, the ex, lays the guilt on thick about how sad they are, how unjust it all is…instead of spending all that time (years!) and energy on becoming happy again…What a waste. A choice, no less.
Start with self-love
Though it is always annoying to hear that we can’t have love until we love ourselves, it’s ultimately a truism. Be the kind of man or woman anyone will feel lucky to be with…Someone with a full life, someone who is fun, positive, kind, loving, and values themselves…
Don’t be someone looking for someone else to “complete you”. This is not Jerry Maguire. Love attracts love. It’s an inside job, so start there. OK?
After a breakup, it may all feel impossible and hopeless, like you’ll never be happy or feel love again, but eventually that too will pass. It will be ok, if you want it to be.
But remember it’s all down to you. Let go. Feel. Deal. Heal. Move on. Take control of your own life, one moment at a time…Starting now.
A Few More Worth a Read (especially the comments)
You may want to leave any tips you have for getting over a breakup in the comments below. What have you found has worked for you to feel better and happier? Share it here. Thanks.