Breakup Coaching from SYBD
As some of you may know, I’ve been doing what I call “one-to-one breakup coaching”- whereby we arrange a time to talk about you, your relationship, your ex, your breakup and your recovery.
Though I won’t tell you what to do as such, I do suggest some different perspectives and some simple “action steps” to takeaway from the call.
You may have friends and family to talk to after your breakup, which is great, unless they’re going through what you are it can be hard to appreciate what you’re feeling.
Also they tend to do a few things 1) tell you what you want to hear 2) cite their bias when it comes to your ex, or 3) they offer well meaning advice, that can actually be counter-productive to your healing process after splitting up.
Breakup coaching is service I’ve offered off and on over the last fourteen years. It recently was resurrected because I noticed a number of people, particularly men, saying they were heartbroken and had no one to talk to about this stuff. Because they’re guys they often feel like they can’t express their emotions, or that they have to act like they don’t care.
This week, I had a talk with a lovely Englishman in his 40s. (We’ll call him James for anonymity sake). Though his relationship hadn’t lasted that long, James had thought this was a woman he was going to marry and spend the rest of his life with.
On Monday, all snuggled up on the sofa she whispers, “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
James was over the moon. He had never felt this way for a woman, and had resigned himself to an eternity of singledom. For days after her confession, he walked around with a smile permanently plastered on his face. By the end of the week though, her tune had changed, “I don’t think I meant what I said Monday”.
Naturally, he was devastated when she did that complete 180 within the space of just a few days, and to throw salt in the wound, she jumped right back on the dating site they met on!
It was after seeing a painful FB post with her new man (just a few weeks later) when James emailed to book a time to chat. We spoke 24 hours later. Here’s his review of the chat.
“I was devastated when the girl, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, said she didn’t want a relationship anymore, and then started dating other people straight away. Being a typical guy, I was telling the whole world that I was better off without her and didn’t care, while, in truth, my head was a total mess. I then did everything the So You’ve Been Dumped site told me not to, which made everything worse. I decided to phone Thea, and that call put a smile on my face for the first time in weeks. She gave me the sympathetic ear I needed, and helped me make sense of everything that was going on, and, most importantly, that it wasn’t ME there was something wrong* with. It was like talking to a trusted friend – coupled with knowledge, advice and goals to work towards. As I move forward, I know I will always look back on that call as a turning point in my life – Thanks Thea!!”
Though he was clearly in pain, it was a truly lovely phone call with someone who is quite obviously a kind and caring gentleman. Someone we women would refer to as a “catch”.
Like most of us after a relationship split, James needed to hear that 1) it would be ok in time, 2) he will most likely love again 3) what he was feeling was “normal” and 4) he should continue being the wonderful guy he clearly is. Some woman will appreciate him for that.
*To clarify, I didn’t exactly imply there was something “wrong” with his ex, but merely that she was not in a fit state to be dating – having just come out of a long term marriage and bouncing around from guy-to-guy.
To me, there is not point in the Blame Game. I personally don’t think some people are “better” than others – only that there might be better fits out there for us. No time is ever wasted. We learn from all our experiences. The good as much as the less-so. In fact, it’s often through our painful experiences we grow and learn the most.
Take what you can from every relationship and every breakup too. Turn that pain and turn it into a gain in some way.
Need an Empathetic Ear to Talk to?
If you’d like to arrange a half hour – or hour – chat then please reach out to me. For North Americans the cost is $50.00 for half an hour or $80.00 for a full hour.