One to One Breakup Coaching

Breakup Coaching from SYBD

As some of you may know, I’ve been doing what I call “one-to-one breakup coaching”- whereby we arrange a time to talk about you, your relationship, your ex, your breakup and your recovery.

Thea Newcomb Breakup Coach - An Empathetic ear offering Breakup Support & AdviceThough I won’t tell you what to do as such, I do suggest some different perspectives and some simple “action steps” to takeaway from the call.

You may have friends and family to talk to after your breakup, which is great, unless they’re going through what you are it can be hard to appreciate what you’re feeling.

Also they tend to do a few things 1) tell you what you want to hear 2) cite their bias when it comes to your ex, or 3) they offer well meaning advice, that can actually be counter-productive to your healing process after splitting up.

Breakup coaching is service I’ve offered off and on over the last fourteen years. It recently was resurrected because I noticed a number of people, particularly men, saying they were heartbroken and had no one to talk to about this stuff. Because they’re guys they often feel like they can’t express their emotions, or that they have to act like they don’t care.

This week, I had a talk with a lovely Englishman in his 40s. (We’ll call him James for anonymity sake). Though his relationship hadn’t lasted that long, James had thought this was a woman he was going to marry and spend the rest of his life with.

On Monday, all snuggled up on the sofa she whispers, “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

James was over the moon. He had never felt this way for a woman, and had resigned himself to an eternity of singledom. For days after her confession, he walked around with a smile permanently plastered on his face. By the end of the week though, her tune had changed, “I don’t think I meant what I said Monday”. 

WTF?

Naturally, he was devastated when she did that complete 180 within the space of just a few days, and to throw salt in the wound, she jumped right back on the dating site they met on!

It was after seeing a painful FB post with her new man (just a few weeks later) when James emailed to book a time to chat. We spoke 24 hours later. Here’s his review of the chat.

“I was devastated when the girl, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, said she didn’t want a relationship anymore, and then started dating other people straight away. Being a typical guy, I was telling the whole world that I was better off without her and didn’t care, while, in truth, my head was a total mess. I then did everything the So You’ve Been Dumped site told me not to, which made everything worse. I decided to phone Thea, and that call put a smile on my face for the first time in weeks. She gave me the sympathetic ear I needed, and helped me make sense of everything that was going on, and, most importantly, that it wasn’t ME there was something wrong* with. It was like talking to a trusted friend – coupled with knowledge, advice and goals to work towards. As I move forward, I know I will always look back on that call as a turning point in my life – Thanks Thea!!”

Though he was clearly in pain, it was a truly lovely phone call with someone who is quite obviously a kind and caring gentleman. Someone we women would refer to as a “catch”.

Like most of us after a relationship split, James needed to hear that 1) it would be ok in time, 2) he will most likely love again 3) what he was feeling was “normal” and 4) he should continue being the wonderful guy he clearly is. Some woman will appreciate him for that.

*To clarify, I didn’t exactly imply there was something “wrong” with his ex, but merely that she was not in a fit state to be dating – having just come out of a long term marriage and bouncing around from guy-to-guy.

To me, there is not point in the Blame Game. I personally don’t think some people are “better” than others – only that there might be better fits out there for us. No time is ever wasted. We learn from all our experiences. The good as much as the less-so. In fact, it’s often through our painful experiences we grow and learn the most.

Take what you can from every relationship and every breakup too. Turn that pain and turn it into a gain in some way.

Need an Empathetic Ear to Talk to?

If you’d like to arrange a half hour – or hour – chat then please reach out to me. For North Americans the cost is $50.00 for half an hour or $80.00 for a full hour.

3 thoughts on “One to One Breakup Coaching

  1. Hey my name is Shane. I have a very hard time letting my ex go. She told me she loved me and wanted a future with me. We got engaged and moved in together and now she is pregnant. She told me she didn’t love me anymore. I did everything I could for her and I miss her so much I thought about sucide. I need your help before my heart explodes. Please help me to get over this heartache.

  2. Oh Shane, I am very sorry to hear (read) your pain.

    Suicide? No. You need to be strong for this baby (assume it’s yours?)

    Your heart will not explode or break even though it feels it will…

    It’s never a good idea to do “everything” for anyone…so now it’s a chance to step back, heal, and grow strong.

    We don’t know what the future will bring but I do know you’ll be happy and love again (if you want to). Choice is yours.

    I charge for the breakup coaching but not for the odd reply here on the blog…I’m listening. I hear you and I am telling you now you will be OK so just keep breathing and take it one minute at a time.

  3. I am repeating the break up cycle with the same woman. Long story short, I have known her for over 30 years but we only recently became romantic in August of 2016. This lasted 3 months and it was total bliss. She helped me be the best that I could be, going to the doctor, getting medication, getting me into swimming and losing weight.
    The first break occurred in November of 2015, she claimed it was due to the fact that she did not give herself time to heal from her previous relationship and I was the rebound. She wanted to still be friends, but I simply decided to go no contact. There were hurtful exchanges on facebook between her and my daughters.
    My Ex reached out to me a week before Christmas wishing me a Merry Christmas. I reached out to my Ex on Christmas Eve and asked her to evening service. She was excited and she agreed. We got back together. This continued on for 3 months, with us spending every weekend together. We were even engaged for two weeks, but decided to call it off and remain boyfriend & girlfriend. I asked her to my father’s 91st birthday party at a local restaurant. She agreed. My daughter tried to sit down at my table and my Ex shook her head “no” like a spoiled brat! She was never able to get over the hurt my family members put on her
    Kind of puts me in the middle. My girls wanted a truce with her because they knew I loved her. I called explaining that my girls were willing to forgive and forget. I got a text stating that it was over, not to call, not to text and ” have a nice life “. I did not instantly reply as I was very shattered. A week later I sent her a quick text stating that I loved her but did not agree with what had happened between us. And if she changed her mind to give me a call. Later that day I got this 4 page text telling me I should not have sent the text and that I was pushy. Any further texts would be considered aggressive and stalking.
    It’s really sad because I am now in the best physical shape I have been in in over 15 years. I continue to take care of myself and swim 3 to 4 times a week.
    Wondering if no contact will work a 2nd time. This is all very confusing and hurtful. I want to move forward but it is hard. I want to get back with her, and it has to be her idea, or find someone better. She will be very hard to replace. God bless us all during these very challenging times. Good night!

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