THEA: My Own Breakup Story

Thea #SYBD Founder: My Breakup Story

My Breakup Story

Though most of us have experienced at least one painful break-up in our lives, how we choose to recover, and how long it takes varies from person to person.

The length of the relationship doesn’t necessarily correlate to the recovery process.

Regardless of whether the relationship lasted ten weeks, months or years, being rejected hurts.

What follows are some notes from my most painful break-up. Though this site was launched due to THREE breakups, this is the middle one.

I tried to break it down into phases, but it should be noted that I, personally, fluctuated between the recovery stages. Plus, it’s not uncommon to feel many of the stages concurrently.

Goodbye to “The One”

Though I’ve had several relationships in my life, I think I have only ever really been “in love” one time.

As cliched as it may sound, I truly believed this man to be a “soul mate”,…Right up until the day he dumped me with that one, quick, international phone call (on my dime, no less).

Soulmates at sunsetI had felt our love was the type that would stand the test of time.

For years, he treated me like a princess – never giving me reason to doubt him or his love. But with that call, he obliterated our relationship – leaving me to feel shell-shocked and abandoned.

Phase 1: My Reaction

When I got the call, I cried non-stop for the first four or five days (and off and on for the next month!)

As we spoke, I kept repeating things like “I can’t believe this is happening to me” and asking  It just didn’t seem real, and I wondered when I would wake up from this horrible nightmare.“are you sure?”IMG_0085

I didn’t eat or sleep for the first two days. By the third day, my friend Jenn, who’s a nurse, came around and forced soup down my throat (at the time I wasn’t a soupy type of person).

She sat with me sympathetically for hours those first few days – not having a clue what to do or say.

By the fourth day, I was back on solid food, but even then, my appetite remained “off” for several weeks.

It was shocking how someone who supposedly loved me – like no other – could simply cast me aside like a piece of old garbage.

It surprised EVERY ONE of the many people who knew us as a couple.

Next:  Mental Turmoil

After the phone call, for the weeks that followed, the range of emotions I felt was often overwhelming. I was angry that he could seemingly ruin my life with that one, simple phone call. I was angry at myself for him having that power over me.

The pain engulfed me, and at times it seemed never-ending. I felt like I was literally buried, eye-ball-deep in sadness.

I felt robbed of the beautiful future that I thought we would have together. We had just moved into the type of home that you start a family in.

I was so hurt that he could just transfer his affections to someone else, literally over night, and seemingly without batting an eyelash. I was amazed at how hard this hit me.

I ached to the very core of my being. It was worse than anything I had ever experienced in my life, yet at the same time as this wide array of emotions – I also felt numb.

Tormenting Questions: Why Why Why?

How could I be so foolish, stupid, and oblivious? I was so embarrassed that I never saw it coming. I was totally blind-sided. I felt confused because we seemed so happy. I thought we loved each other. I thought we cared for each other. Many friends, seemingly, envied us. Our sex life was great and frequent (well, in my opinion anyway). Our friendship strong and I’d describe our communication as open and respectful. Simply put, we were good together, we gelled – or so I thought.

How was the last to know? How could I have been the only one in this relationship that was blissfully happy? How could I be so stupid?

I felt so humiliated that I could not have known him like I thought I did. I began to wonder if we ever REALLY know someone. I began to question absolutely EVERYTHING that we said and did over the past several years together. Was it all just a big lie? Was it all just an illusion?

There was the feeling of being soul-destroyed. Everything I had ever grown to believe in was shattered in an instant. All my hope vanished and for the weeks to come, I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel. The one question I kept asking myself was “what have I done to deserve this?”

There is no race - soyouvebeendumped.com

The Competition

I was jealous because he had a new and exciting relationship. He had someone to take to the beach, to snuggle up to, and to kiss passionately whenever he wanted. I tormented myself with visions of them in my head. The mind can be a very cruel thing. I pictured them in the bed we’d bought together; going to the places we used to go; watching TV in the house we had just bought; lounging in our new garden; and driving the car that I had picked out. Yes, he appeared to have everything. I, on the other hand, felt like I had nothing. No one to kiss, no place to live, no car to drive, no job and worst of all – no love. I felt life was VERY unfair.

On to Those Worries…

Fears of being on my own gripped me – because I had never been on my own. I was afraid I could not support myself. What if I wasn’t strong enough to make it on my own? What if no one would ever fancy me or love me again? What if never would have sex again? How would I learn to trust again? How would I regain my will to live again? I feared that I might do something “foolish”. I wondered if I might be manic-depressive or bi-polar. What if I never stopped crying?

Ultimately, I worried that I would always feel this lost and scared and alone.

What next? Get a job? Find as nice place to live? Move to London? Move back to California? Stay in Scotland? Date? Movies? Write? Work?

Cue: “The Mad Crazies”

I plotted revenge in the most gruesome of fashions. All my empathetic (and yes devious) friends gave me the most creative ideas of how to get back at him/them. They suggested watercress in the carpet, cutting up clothes, hair removal crème in the shampoo, fish in the floorboards or wall cavities – you name it, I heard I!

The revenge fantasies worked for a while but eventually I got bored and opted for a more positive form of revenge.

Besides, “what comes around goes around” and I didn’t really want the bad karma!

During this phase one does something totally out of character. For some it might be drinking heavily, drugs, heading off around the world, drastic makeovers, or having flings.

After a month or so, the shock had subsided slightly and the fears were less haunting. I opted to have a fling (or two) which is very out of character for me. It did however allay my fears that no one would ever find me attractive (or sexy again). It worked. It was brief – but it did the trick and I have no regrets.

For reasons I can’t really explain, it was at this point that I began to be a bit more forgiving of both my EX and HER. He wasn’t a bad person – he was just lousy at endings.

In true “change your hair change your man” style, I lightened my hair, bought some sexy new clothes and underwear, got a bit of a tan and worked out a lot!

I started to feel a bit better. My confidence came trickling back. . .

Acceptance & Looking Forward

Eventually, approximately six weeks after the break-up, a new feeling emerged: RELIEF. I was so glad we never got married and that we never had kids. If we had done, I would be forced to see this man for the rest of my life. Besides, if he could do that to me (and the girl before me) – he’ll probably do it to her…eventually! So what? Who cares…he’s out of my life. Good riddance.

I began to feel liberated and excited about the possibilities that now lay before me. I was excited by the challenge of becoming truly independent! I started to view the break-up in a totally new light – by vowing to see it as an “OPPORTUNITY” and not the end of the world.

I was determined that I never wanted to feel this bad again. I was determined to not only make it on my own – but to prosper. Yes, this break-up was a blessing in disguise. It is in times of great adversity that we grow and learn the most about ourselves.

In the early stages, I had practically wished he’d get killed in a car crash. Then, the vindictive side wished he would get dumped to see how it felt. The vengeful side wanted to make him pay for what he had done to me. The naïve side wished he’d come back begging. The insecure side wanted him to come back and take care of me. Then, the independent side took over and I didn’t really care what happened to him (or her). Whether they were blissfully happy or fighting all the time – it made no difference to me.

As I began to put the pieces of my life back together, I came to the conclusion that he (they) didn’t matter in the great scheme of things. It was OVER. The best thing for me to do would be to focus on myself – and no one else.

Once I was paid off (from the house), I moved into a place of my own. I bought a 4×4 for myself. I got a good paying job. I started to settle down and feel good about myself again. After having the rug pulled out from underneath me, it was no small feat, I can tell you! If I can do it, you can do it too.

How I Coped

I ran up huge phone bills – calling all my wonderful family and friends around the globe. They were amazingly supportive – knowing just when to be harsh, and when to simply give me gentle pep talks. The ones I didn’t call were emailing me daily and still just as supportive. I am very blessed with supportive friends. If it weren’t for them, I might not be here now…

I filled journal after journal describing every possible emotion experienced. (They are totally enlightening to read now).

I also bought St. John’s Wort in hopes that it would help me sleep better. (It didn’t).

I watched some of my fave TV shows – again and again….

Consumed countless self-help books to try and understand why this happened.

I can recommend two quite good ones:

1) Coming Apart Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours [That’s the Kindle Edition on Amazon US – or see Coming Apart on Amazon UK].

Headshot: Christine Webber – psychotherapist, writer and broadcaster2) How to Mend a Broken Heart – by our good friend, as pictured here, Christine Webber (find the book on Amazon UK here)

Another one worth reading is Getting the Love you Want (20th Edition)

Learn from the breakup

I decided to learn as much as I could from the break-up. I learned where I went wrong and what I do/don’t want in my life now.

Next time, I will attract a person who is actually loyal and faithful on top of everything else.

I made manic compilation tapes – expressing the anger, confusion and bitterness that I was feeling – internally. (They worked a treat and are even great to listen to now!).

Speaking of music – check out Amazon Prime Playlists. They are totally amazing and can match to any mood you’re in – the happy, sad, empowered, angry – etc.

At the end of the day, I learned a lot about myself and am all the better for it. Now I can honestly say, being dumped was one of the best things that has ever happened to me (you can quote me on that). I forgive him. I forgive her. I forgive myself.

I decided to make lemonade out of the lemons that life had chucked at me and I suggest you do the same. I launched soyouvebeendumped.com on Independence Day 2000. Four years on and this site has become the greatest achievement in my life so far. Success is the greatest form of revenge, so if you’re feeling like you want to get back at your ex, why don’t you try to be happy, healthy and whole and find yourself a more complementary relationship.

If you are still at the early stages of a break-up and feeling horrible – wondering if it will be that way forever, I am here to tell you IT WON’T. You will get through this. If I can, you can!

‘Peace, hope and healthy relationships to you all. Now it’s your turn to make lemonade.

Where Do You Want to Go Next?

Please tell your story of how your relationship ended now.

If you have something to say to your ex, say it here.

159 thoughts on “THEA: My Own Breakup Story

  1. It really helps when you are surrounded by wonderful people such as friends. We have to learn from the mistakes that we did in our past. Sometimes we forget what we have learned and kept on making the same mistakes. That’s the challenge there. Good thing we have blogs/journals as our outlet to of releasing our emotions. Then with time, maybe we can just laugh and forget what happened. I believe we all can move on if we only choose to.

  2. thankyou for that.
    this website is a truely great thing you have done!
    you must help a lot of people every day and should be proud of that… i see that there is help and guidence out there for me to call upon when i cant use my frineds in this difficult time.
    so thank you from me and on behalf of everyone that has used this site.
    how are you doing now, in 2009?

  3. its been about a week and so far EVERYTHING you have said (except he hasnt moved on and he didnt do it on the phone) is whats happening to me.

    thank you for sharing. Im sitting here crying cause you have made it make so much sense, but you have a wonderful site.

  4. Leslie am so sorry you’re going through it. It feels like the end of the world but really it ends up only being the end of a chapter in your life – not your whole world. And with every ending becomes a beginning. You won’t see it yet but it will turn out to be a wonderful turning point for the better – IN TIME. You may not see it for six months, a year or six years but it will work out for the highest good of all concerned – eventually. That much I believe. You hang in there. Thea x

  5. I HAVE NOT BEEN DUMPED, I AM SURE MY HUSBAND LOVES ME, THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE HAS WAY TOO MANY ISSUES THAT HE REFUSES TO FACE AND THEY AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE COMES FROM A DIVORCE HOME AND THIS IS A FACT THAT HE NEVER GOT OVER, HE HAS TWO SONS FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP AND WE HAVE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER TOGETHER, WE HAVE WORKED EXTREMELY HARD AND HAVE BEEN ABLE TO AFFORD CERTAIN THINGS WITHOUT ANYBODY’S HELP. HE IS A HARD WORKING PERSON,RESPONSIBLE AND GREAT FATHER, A DECENT HUSBAND. THE PROBLEM: HIS FAMILY, ORIGINALLY WE HAD PROBLEMS BECAUSE OF HIS CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY DID NOT WANT TO RESPECT ME, HE ALWAYS SUPPORTED ME BUT, THE CONFRONTATIONS WERE THERE, THANK GOD WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO OVERCOME THAT AND BECOME A FAMILY, THE GREATEST PROBLEM HIS MOTHER, AN INSTIGATING BITCH THAT CAN’T GET ALONG WITH ANYONE NOT EVEN HER OWN CHILDREN OR MOTHER. NOBODY IS GOOD ENOUGH AND EVERYONE IS AFTER SOMETHING. FROM THE BEGINNING OF MY RELATIONSHIP THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN DISRESPECTFUL TO ME TO THE POINT THAT SHE TOLD HER SON THAT HE WAS GOING TO MARRY ME OVER HER DEAD BODY AND TOLD ME ONCE WHEN WE WERE PLANING TO BUY A HOUSE THAT SHE HAD TO DIE FIRST FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. THE PROBLEM I AM HAVING NOW IS THAT SHE COMES TO MY HOUSE WHEN WE ARE NOT THERE AND GOES OVER MY STUFF (MY HUSBAND GAVE HER THE KEYS) BUT, HE DOES NOT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT ACCORDING TO HIM THERE IS NOTHING OF VALUE IN THE HOUSE THAT IS WORTH MY THAN HIS PEACE OF MIND AND THAT HE IS STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AND ALWAYS FORCED TO TAKE SIDES. I ASKED HIM TO CHANGE THE LOCKS OF THE HOUSE AND HE SAID HE WOULD, TODAY DURING AN ARGUMENT HE SAID HE WAS PLANNING TO CHANGE THEM TO PLEASE ME BUT, HE WAS GIGING HER A KEY. HE DOES NOT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HER COMING TO THE HOUSE WHEN WE ARE NOT THERE OR GOING THROUGH MY STUFF. MIND YOU THIS LADY HAS TAKEN STUFF FROM ME JEWELRY, COPIES OF MY PERSONAL DOCUMENTS, THE TITLE OF HIS CAR, AND AGAIN ACCORDING TO HIM THAT IS NOTHING. I AM UP TO A POINT THAT I WISH I HAVE ANOTHER OPTION, I DON’T WANT TO MAKE ANY CHANGES NOW, OUR DAUGHTER IS ABOUT TO TURN 16 AND THERE IS SO MUCH TIME INVESTED BUT LORD HOW MUCH CAN I PUT UP WITH?

  6. Hi hon. Next time please switch off the CAPS lock. It’s hard to read (and considered SHOUTING). I feel for you with this mother situation that would drive me a but nutty too. I do not like the idea of people being in my house when I am not there (even if they are trusted friends…but I am a bit weird that way). Maybe what you should consider doing is get a small safe that can be put in the bottom of the closet and put anything you want to keep private – away from her – in it. Not sure I’d even bother telling your husband about it. It would probably just rouse suspicions and produce and argument. But you could put documents, jewelry etc in it? There is very little good, in my experience, that can come from between a mother and her son (on either side). It sucks. I know I’ve had a husband and a long term partner after him who had close mothers. The 2nd woman didn’t like me and I would never been good enough for her precious son. It sucked.

    I’d stop trying to put your foot down about keys. He clearly has a different view to you and probably won’t ever see eye to eye with you.

    So I think you need to consider what you value and what is most valuable to you and take action accordingly. Though annoying probably not worth leaving the man over! What do you have that is really valuable in the house and what can you do with it? A loft a cupboard for storage?

    In the great scheme of things – what we all have is just “Stuff” and really stuff doesn’t truly matter much. We can’t take it with us. I am the same way and I’d not be happy to have stuff nicked from me – under any circumstances – but perhaps there’s a lesson in here in us learning to LET GO of things a bit and to not take it all so seriously? Definitely one of my lessons to learn too!

    Hang in there.

  7. Thanks for the advice. You know today I was thinking exactly the same thing and I even told him, the problem is that we had a huge argument over this three days ago and I said things that I probably shouldn’t, for the past three days he has been sleeping in the basement and doesn’t want to talk to me unless is strictly necessary; I told him I was sorry about some things that I said and that I did not want him to be in the middle or force him to take sides but he is hurt and I don’t know what else to do. I really would hate loosing my husband over this but I don’t know what else to do.

  8. Hey Thea,
    First off I just want to say what a great website you have created. I’ve read your story and I have experienced ALL those emotions. The problem is–more than once. I am currently going through my 3rd “broken heart”. I have had many flings/dating relationships… But I can honestly say my heart has been “broken” 3 times now. First one was when I was in the 9th grade (young I know–but to me the world was ending). Second time was when I was 20 years old. The second relationship lasted far too long–I was clearly not whole heartedly into it and I walked all over him. I wasn’t proud of the way I treated him when it was all said and done. I originally dumped him and then tried to get him to take me back–the problem is he refused. For some reason I was heart broken, I think it was more about the life change and loss of that comfort zone more than anything. The relationship lasted 3 years (my longest relationship thus far).

    Anyways–now to the current situation. I had dated a few guys after the second relationship, and had ended those and been let down. I was determined to wait for the RIGHT guy this time, and to be the best person I could for another. I felt as though I had learned from my past and I was ready to have a healthy and hopefully lasting relationship. So I met my EX for our first date (after chatting online for a couple months prior). First impression–he wasn’t my type physically but his personality was sparkling and we had SO much in common. Quickly I began to really find him physically attractive and really started to like him. He chased me HARD (not in a creepy fashion). He made me feel like a princess and we grew to have an amazing friendship. It seemed like he really “got” me, and I’d never had the quality of conversations like I did with him with anyone else in my life…. Anyways to make a long story short he was incredible for quite a while and even talked about marriage and our future OFTEN.

    This made me feel very secure, loved, and cherished. All the things I’d been lacking in any of my previous relationships. I respected him and I believe he respected me. I thought, wow, I really have found it this time. This is the man I’d been waiting for!! Then things changed—looking back I can see how slowly the flowers stopped, the little gifts stopped, he seemed less intrigued. I attributed this to becoming more “comfortable” and thought nothing of it. He wanted me to meet his parents quite early on in the relationship–but I was hesitant because I had been burned in the past and didn’t want to get too close too soon (they also lived 5 hours and another country away from me).

    One day out of the blue he calls me crying and says that he thinks I need “counselling” for my anxiety surrounding school (I’m in the process of applying to a highly competitive masters program). He said that he doesn’t know how to help and that I hadn’t listened to him in the past about it. I was hurt because he made it seem like an ultimatum “get counselling or I’m out of her”. Then he turned off his phone, stood me up, and didn’t answer any of my calls/messages for 5 days straight. I was SO hurt, I sent him an e-mail in a frantic furry apologizing for every little thing I thought I could have done “wrong” to deserve this. He finally called me and said he really liked the e-mail and wanted to talk–yet he didn’t regret his time of “reflecting”. I had no idea our relationship was even on edge!!

    I took him back—thinking everything was MY fault. I shouldn’t have whined to him about those tests, I should have visited his family more, I shouldn’t have told him so much about myself etc…. He said he was now “hesitant” to marry me and we had to take things slow. This made me feel like complete crap—like I was now on a trial period. I tried to express this to him and it finally seemed like he got it and I thought we were moving forward.

    Then he goes home for thanksgiving (I was invited, but he told me to say home because I had 3 exams the next week). He acted aloof the first couple days–but I just attributed this to him being busy with his family. We had plans on the Saturday for him to swing by my place as I had said I planned him a birthday outing. He texted me the same day with a one-liner saying he was staying with his family instead…Then I was ignored for another whole day. He called me later that night sobbing about money stress, and that he thought I was jealous of his family because I asked him to come at a certain time to my place…. The next day he comes crawling back, apologizing for everything–saying it was all him and he was going to change and he really WANTED to marry me etc. I took him back.

    I finally made the move and went and spent a whole weekend at his parent’s place the next weekend. I was emotional and untrusting most of the weekend–but i tried to put up a good front in hope that things would get better if only I fixed MY issues. The first day he went out and worked on the farm and left me alone in his house for 3 hours–then wondered why I was upset… The next day on the way to church I found out he had been secretly calling this girl that I told him I was uncomfortable with. It wasn’t the fact he had been talking to her–it was the fact I didn’t know about any of it. I arrived at church not in the best of moods–but once again tried to put up the front. He acted all sweet and supportive most of the weekend, so I thought things were looking up.

    He dropped me off at home after this whole excursion–kissed me goodbye and told me he would see me the following week and how much he was going to miss me. He promised that next time I came he wouldn’t be working on the farm as much and we could spend more time together.

    Then the next day at 10pm I get a call and he says “I’ve been thinking about our relationship–and I don’t see it lasting long term. I see us getting a divorce and my parents didn’t like our dynamics”. He says “I love you babe, take care of yourself” and hangs up.

    I am crushed–and confused. I keep blaming myself and wondering if only I had done things differently–maybe I would still have the amazing man I thought I would have forever…. I’m devastated.

  9. I am sorry, I actually just laughed out loud when I got to the end of your whole sordid post. “I love you babe, take care of yourself” – I mean really? That’s priceless. I love it when they say something like that….because we’re like “really you love me then why are you leaving me”. It’s just NOT the right thing to say is it? Class.

    I don’t know what to say to you hon. Of course you’re devastated…it’s been on / off / on / off and I suspect you may hear from him again at some point…It’s probably not the last time with those parting words but we will see. I think you’ve been growing, learning, and applying what you’re learning and it will be the case of doing this again with this guy, I reckon.

    What can you do – it’s priceless that he sees a “divorce” already. I mean what a telling remark. I know you’re hurting and raw now over this guy but I think he sounds like the sort of guy you will be regaling with friends with later – at some of his comical comments. Of course they’re not funny now but in time you’ll find them funny I think. Doofus. I am sure he’s a good guy. He may even be a great guy but doesn’t mean he’s a great FIT for you. So take the time out, do some healing and moving on and see where the journey is taking you. You may end up with him, you may not. You will be happy and feel love again.

    He is all over the place. He may be with that girl and too afraid to actually TELL you, I don’t know but something has changed for him and as much as it sucks right now – there’s little you’ll be able to do about it. Just hang in there and heal.

    It will all unfold divinely ok? Take care x

  10. I’m going thruo a horrible breakup…I cry alot and just want him back on the other hand he don’t want to see me or hear anything from me..he has change his number and every other way of communication..
    How can I stop my self to running after him?

  11. >> he has change his number and every other way of communication…

    Well if that doesn’t put you off I am not sure what will. This is about YOU not him. You need to ask yourself why you’d want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you and is going to such lengths to effectively “get away” from you.

    I guess you can imagine how you’d feel if some guy was not taking no for an answer to you. How YOU would feel…

    Start working out how to be the kind of girl people would WANT to gravitate toward not away from.

    This is about you and your own self esteem.

    While it’s normal to miss them – it’s not exactly healthy to be running off after someone who’s made it clear “it’s over”.

    I know it hurts and we often want what we can’t have (forbidden fruit syndrome) but remind yourself that you only want people in your life who actually WANT to be there. People who value you.

    This all starts from you valuing you. Do you value yourself? I am not talking some big egotistical thing – but just you knowing you’re worthwhile? Are you the kind of person someone would want to be with? A happy person? A full life? Lots of friends? Lots of things to do / see?

    Surround yourself with the type of people you wish to be like. Happy, healthy, positive, ambitious, kind people.

    Sounds like you were possibly too needy in some way if he’s done a runner in the opposite direction.

    Look at that. Address it. You’re gonna get through it. Hang in there! x

  12. Thank you so much for your reply…

    The thing is I love him I still love him…he bought a house just before our breakup and I always imagined my self to be in his house as his wife..
    Now he is going to marry someone else ..how will I see him with someone else? Even I can’t imagine him with someone else.
    I don’t know how people move on after a break up I can’t I really can’t.

  13. Fizz – I know you still love him. It’s a shame love’s not a switch we could “by pass” until we’re more over it. We don’t want to turn the SWITCH off because then we’d never experience LOVE (from all its sources) but it would be nice if we could by pass it through the circuit breaker wouldn’t it?

    How will you see him with someone else? You just will. You will handle it. It’s torture seeing it and it’s almost MORE torturous seeing it in your mind’s eye. The mind as wonderful as it is can be super dooper CRUEL. I know that all too well.

    People move on because we’re resilient by nature (often in spite of ourselves) – so you can and you will too! Make that be yoru goal FIZZ. Accept nothing less than to get over it – with Contentment and Peace as your goals. Hugs x

  14. I would like to share my experience and how bad a scar it left behind.
    I had a very early marriage at 21, an arranged one and it didn’t go quite well. I have stayed separately for 2 years with my kid.
    There was this guy who worked with me and a close friend of mine. We have been friends for 4 years then and he was always there for me at my hard times helping me cope up with the normal routine.
    One day I was chatting with him on how desperate i felt i was telling him, “How nice would it be to have someone who will not look forward for any commitment and just be there for me”. He told me the next day that he is always there for me and he liked being with me. He had like me in every possible way from the day we first met.
    The relationship started growing each day and I started loving him more and more. We were all that a husband and wife should be but were not legally married. He spent a lot of time with me and my kid. I would say i was the happiest I was ever in my life. Little did i realize how dangerous and painful it would be when we parted.
    I moved in with him and we lived very happily. Every time I asked about where this would end he would simply say “Live the moment”. It’s as almost 2 years and i was so much in love with him that i could not stay away from him for hardly a day. It was the same with him. My entire focus and happiness revolved around him.
    All went well until the day I realized that i was pregnant. I was so happy about it but i knew that this cant continue without his consent. When i told him he was shocked and wanted me to go for an abortion. Though it was something i didn’t want I had to listen to him.
    That month everything changed. He went for a trip and he started liking a girl. The worst part of it was I was expected to give ideas to making things work between them and I had to hear to all their stories.
    I was still happy for him that he is settling down but i felt the entire roof up my head crash on my head. I had sleepless nights and dreams. I had applied for divorce then and i had the huge responsibility of bringing up my kid. But beyond all that it was this break up that troubled me a lot. The only reason I had to live was my kid.
    I tried coping up with the routine but i was hardly able to digest the reality. I still had to see him in office after moving out from the house. I requested my mom to stay with me. But the pain was too much to bear. I realized how stupid i was and how much damage a broken heart can cause.
    I am 27 now, Life seem to have ended and I still do not know a way to move ahead.
    I am trying to concentrate on my work but I keep getting reminded of the old ways. I always feel he is near me and I am not able to stop loving him. The way he smiles the way he makes me feel I am sure I am not going to get him back. I need to move on but I really don’t know how to do that.
    On looking back this relationship has hurt me so badly that i can never be in a relationship ever again. I have lost the urge for a companion. The Zeal to look forward in life.
    I can’t say he cheated me for he never made a commitment he will marry me. But even before we could go for the next check up with the doc for the abortion he fell in love with another girl and moved on. It was so effortless for him and he never looked back or even though how it would affect me. Never made an attempt to ensure I am ok. Nowadays he completely avoids me. I still care for him and all I can do is wish him good luck.
    I hope I am able to gather up my life and live for my son.

  15. Swasthi I am so sorry to hear of this story. It’s a painful tale of love, loss on different levels. I can appreciate how hard it is when we trust someone after being hurt (the marriage) and then we come to rely on them so much. The trouble is when we make someone else our world – we risk losing it if/when they go. All relationships end one way or another.

    27? You’re only 27? Honestly That was about the time I started to actually FEEL happy. To come into my own. I have a theory that people around that age 28-32 go into what I call the “tunnel”. And who you are going in is not who you will be when you come out.

    So what I want you to try to focus on is who you’d like to be once through the tunnel. Maybe a loving relationship? Maybe a different home? Maybe more children? Maybe a painter? Maybe a business owner? Maybe a traveler? Maybe move to a different country? I don’t know what your path is so I can’t say for you – but dig deep within yourself to find the right path for you.

    You don’t have to stop loving him. You can love and wish him well from a far. Embrace the feeling for love. It doesn’t stop, when it’s real spiritual love, when they go. Love keeps on loving. So many people say they “love” someone but it’s all based on conditions like “I love you as long as you do what I want you to do,” or “as long as you love me back in the way I need you to” etc. Real love just keeps on loving so it’s OK to still feel that loving energy. It’s a good thing even. I suspect you will expand on that love and truly love again.

    >> On looking back this relationship has hurt me so badly that i can never be in a relationship ever again. I have lost the urge for a companion. The Zeal to look forward in life…<

  16. After a 2 year relationship (if you can call it that), he called at halt to it. I have no one to speak to about this as we are both married. No close friend of mine would understand, and as they are mostly friends of my husband’s too, I wouldn’t want to burden them with this.
    It’s been 2 years of emails, texts, weekly meetings (only for a hour or so) and the odd evening together. Always on the understanding that we weren’t leaving our partners, that’s not what it was about. But I got more involved than I intended, and how it hurts so bad. I broke the NC rule and sent him a hand written letter, nothing bad in it, just letting him know how much he means to me, but understanding that it was time to finish. I hadn’t been happy at the end either, not for weeks. At the end of the letter is said I’d leave him in peace, and he should take care. Not asking for a response. But I know deep down I’d like him to acknolwedge the note. It’s DD+1. This website has been great, although for genuine ‘relationships’, not for those having affairs…..

  17. Hey thea,

    you never considered professional help on that topic?
    Perhaps you didn’t need that because of your great environment you have… I’ve really felt miserable and speaking to relatives didn’t really help me out sometimes because I always though they just say so because they know me too good or they tell me those things just because they kind of have to. So after reading me through the internet and taking part of some discussions I thought of getting me some assistance from a life-coach. It’s been a while I’m following ‘your24hcoach’ on facebook. They kind of launch a business offering real-time coaching anytime you need it. They post really cheering up posts every day…
    However, I just wanted an other opinion… you’ve great experience… I don’t know if I consider it just because I’m really desperate or if this could really be an interesting option to help you passing through that horrible time.
    Thank you for your great site and help

  18. Very confused

    I meet my boyfriend at work. Our relationship it’s started good. He asked me if I dated anyone or in any relationship at the work. He knew everything about me from the beginning of our relationship including my financial situation.
    We worked together couple times and we got along well. About a year and a half ago I was planning to visit my parents (live in Romania). When we worked together he mentioned that he was planning to go to Europe in the same time I did. He wanted to visit Romania (he did not know that I was from there). I told him that if he does visits Romania I will show him around. We exchange phone numbers on my part without any thought of getting involved with him. One night I was working and I received a text from me which it really surprised me. He asks me if I was working and I told him that I did. He replies back by telling me he was out with some friends and was dancing with some girl. The girl was getting mad because he was on the phone. I told him that he needs to go back to his date and that was that, I didn’t think anything of it.
    We end up working again about two weeks before my birthday. So I asked him if he knew any places to just lounge and relax. I am not a big person going to bars or clubs. He refers me to some spots. I invited him but didn’t think he was going to show up. On the day of the event he told me that he was going to show up. My friends and I meet him up at a comedy club. We had a great time and I still didn’t think anything of it. The next day he invited me to a BBQ but I couldn’t go because I made prior engagement with my friend.
    We began to chat more and more. A week later we had our first date and I felt really comfortable. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone who I am not. We continued dating and we became exclusive. From the beginning he told me everything about his situation that he is not legally separated (separated from her for 5 years) from his wife. He lives in different city from her. They have two children in common. He also told me that he wasn’t seeing anyone when we met. He broke up with his ex for about 4-5 months before he met me and they were together on and off for 2 years. I told him from the beginning that I am very understanding as long as we communicate with each other. He agreed.
    In the beginning he told me that he never cheated on his wife; He loves affection, communication, it’s hard for him to get mad and if he does he won’t disrespect me or go to sleep mad. He would rather communicate and solve the issue. He promised that when things get tough or hard he won’t walk away from the relationship.
    The relationship was going great and I felt finally I met someone that I can really fall in love real love. We used to meet up after work for breakfast or even before work to have dinner. After three month we were having dinner and he told me that he cheated on his wife when they were living together. I almost chocked on my food and in disbelief. He saw my reaction in my face and he told me that he wanted to be honest with me.
    About 2 months in our relationship he was working and he overheard at work that me and some guys used to date. He got so upset at me and wanted to break up with me because I didn’t tell him the truth. I never kept anything from him. The guy did ask me out, I told him that I wasn’t interested and he got mad at me for turning him down. So of course he told his buddies that we went out and my boyfriend heard the conversation. It bothered me that he didn’t believe me when I told him that nothing happened. He then told me that I broke his heart for lying to him. After couple days, we meet up and we talked sorted things out.
    Furthermore, when he told me that he cheated on how wife he expected me not to be mad and just to understand. He told me that he made a mistake and he was going to live with that for the rest of his live. He never told her that he cheat on his wife with her friend. He promised me that he will never cheat on me. I was little at first skeptical at first and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He never cheated on me.
    The relationship continued strong. We had our disagreements there in there. We were going strong and in July 2012 my life has completely changed. I can’t really go in details of the event something happen at work about 2 years ago. I was working with a partner and one of the guys who were at scene was recording the incident and when we got back to the station he didn’t tell us that that footage of the incident was captured. We conducted our reports and in the report was never mentioned that there was footage. In the same day as the incident happened we had our Christmas party. The guy who recorded the incident ended up showing at the party. Someone saw the footage and confiscated and my whole world was flipped upside down. The report that my partner wrote was not accurate with the footage. In order to get my job back I have to wait until next year in Feb 2013 to prove that I haven’t done anything wrong and I can’t be accountable for my partner behavior.
    Our policy at work is if one of the partners does something that it looks bad everyone goes down with it. I was send home without pay since July of this year. My boyfriend was upset of the situation. He was upset at me because of what happened. Keep in mind all this happened before I meet him.
    Now I am looking for a job until I get my job back where I work but mean while I still have to take care of myself. All the financial resources that I have saved up are wearing out. I feel very overwhelmed with no emotional support from him. I feel like I am going to end up living in my car.
    Since I was sent home I noticed a change in him. He wasn’t as caring, loving and no affection towards me like he was before I was sent home. He told me that he was in my situation twice and he understands what I am going through. Everything will be ok. In august he was on vacation but he worked for a private company outside the country. So we haven’t seen each other for a month. When he left I felt so stressed out and worried. After a month not seeing him, we end up talking about the whole situation and everything it seems ok. We haven’t been out on a date in long time so we plan out a night out (beginning September). We had great time and talking about marriage, having children and spending the rest of our lives together. Then I asked him how come he doesn’t show affection anymore. He told me that he got complacent. This is the man who told me that he will never stop showing me affection, he doesn’t want to lose me, he is happy that he meet me and glad that I am part of his life. He never felt like this since 20years ago. Then he changed the subject how his girlfriend hurt him; that had nothing to do without relationship. I just dropped the subject and enjoyed our night out.
    In mid-September it wasn’t like him not to call me for days. Every day we used to call each other and say good morning or good night. I called him up because I haven’t heard from him all day. I left him a message. The next day I haven’t heard from him either. So I was worried that something has happened. I send him a text and a voice mail. I left him a message and told him that I was worried about him and whatever is going on I want to understand. He calls me back after four days. He told me that his separated wife got some bad news from the doctor and he was in treatment of Kimo theraphy. He was taking her to therapy every Thursday. I told him that I understand and I will be there to support him no matter what.
    From September thru October no improvement in the relationship; I told him several times that I loved him and adore him his response was “oh ok, you don’t expect me to answer that do you?” that felt like a slap in the face. In October 19, we decided that we should sit down and talk about the relationship and everything else is happening.
    We had the conversation at my house. We sat down and he told me that he was upset of the situation that I was in. That I wasn’t financially sound and I need to take responsibilities for my actions. I believe he was trying to give me a complimented by saying that “I have respect for you that you are here by yourself with no family members” but it felt like more a compliment wrapped around with an insult. He continued with how we need to seriously get an overhaul and he wasn’t giving me an ultimatum he was just wanted to fix the issues He doesn’t want to be with someone who is not financial stable. I told him that I know I made mistakes in the past and all the mistakes I made I am going to apply them in my present and future. I don’t want to make the same mistakes twice. I am just one person trying to help my parent and survive on my own. I am trying to put money to the side just in case something happened. When he sat across from me his body language very defensive and his arms were crossing. It felt like no matter what I was saying wasn’t good enough. We were silent for a good 30 minutes. We decided to go and grab something to eat. We can back and I told him that if he know a better way to improve my financial hiccups to show me because how I am doing it’s not the correct away. He just sat there and looked at me and did not say a word. While I was still trying to come up with solution he literally got up and went to the bedroom and laid down. Let me sitting at the table by myself. I went over and asked him why did he do that and he never answered. I told him that was rude of him just walking away. I was sitting at one end of the bed and he was sitting at the other end. He fell asleep and after 30 minutes he got up.
    I asked him does he still see himself with me for the rest of our lives together. He told me that he doesn’t know. I felt like someone just punched me in my stomach and I couldn’t breathe. A month ago we talked about having children and being together for the rest of our lives and now he doesn’t know. I felt like I was being jerked around. He was trying to consult me by hugging me and cares my face.
    He then began to kiss me and want to be intimate. I felt so humiliated and I pushed him away. He then got really upset and stormed out. Before he left he told me that he will call me, and then few seconds later he gave me the clicker to my gate of the apartment and said I don’t needed anymore. I was in shock from one minute he was kissing me and then he did not anything to do with me. I asked him If he was breaking up with me. He did not say anything and walked away.
    By the way the next day he never called. I send him a text two days later asking him what had happened. Why was he so mad? I called but he sends me straight to the voicemail. He only text me; according to him he did not want to bicker over the phone. I told him that I understood and respect that. The whole conversation was that either I want to believe it or not, he wasn’t sexually frustrated because I pushed him away. He was frustrated that he did not do anything from the beginning about me beginning financial unstable and he took a chance with me that’s why we are where we are. He is trying to correct it and not let it happen again. He will try to help me but that as far as he goes. I was so focused by his statement. I then asked him do you still want to be with me. Please tell me so I know. He never answered back. We haven’t spoken to each other for 1 week (10/19-10/28). He still has my key to the apartment and he knows that his clothes are here and his motorcycle helmets are in the garage.
    I really fell heartbroken abandoned by him. He promised that he will never walk way
    P.S.
    Before he used to make time to see me and want to be with me. I know he has a lot on his plate know. I used to live 70 miles away from him one way trip and he used to tell me that it took him 2 hours in traffic on the motorcycle. I felt bad, so since he wasn’t as flexible to move I moved to be closer to him so traffic won’t be so bad. The distance now is 20 minutes’ drive to see me. After I moved he told me “I hope you did not move for me” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
    I used to have a beautiful golden retriever. I had the dog before I meet him. When he was coming over I noticed that he was having a really bad allergy reaction to the dog’s hair. Every time he touched him he would break up in hives. I had to give him away because I could not see my boyfriend suffering. My friends from work told me why are you giving your dog up just get rid of your man.
    About 6 months ago he found out that he had three polyps on colon. He was devastated the doctor put him on medication to reduce the size of the polyps and take them out. I could have just walked away and said this is not for me and responsibility. But I did stood by his side and support him emotionally.

    I am open for any suggestions or advise.
    Thank you

  19. For me the feeling that i was used and dumped hurt the most , i,m getting better now it takes time. i was with this lady who made me feel either ten feet tall or six feet under i think you may know the feeling.

    we were together about 3 yrs and we were engaged to be married after only six months. we did live together for a couple of months but moved out after an argument. she left her engagement ring at my house when she went.

    anyway we lived apart but she was never really happy and was very insecure about a lot of things i did think she was a little unstable. she scratched my car and assaulted me . you would think i would have learnt my lesson and stay away, but far from it!

    what am i like? anyway we got together again i helped her with getting her home sorted paying for a new cell phone etc etc. so after i came back from a short trip she made an excuse telling me i had an affair when i was away and moved on to someone else.

    not too bad but she told me she slept with him in the first week. she sold our engagement ring and came to my house with the empty ring box just to rub it in with her new boyfriend. anyway i did feel bad but i can assure everyone it does get better

    thanks adrian

  20. Thanks for popping by Adrian and sorry for the delay in replying to your post. You sound like you’re doing ok and it’s better you’re out of that relationship too by the sounds of it!

    I don’t understand her coming by the house with an empty ring box and a new guy?

    That’s the kind of behavior one does when they’ve been HURT by a guy really. So something sounds amiss. Or as you say she maybe has some pretty severe issues that need dealt with.

    On SYBD we only ever hear ONE side of any story it’s a shame because it’d be interesting to hear the other!

    IN any event you sound like you’re doing well and you’re no doubt better off out of that one!

    Take care, x

  21. Hi i have recently split with my girlfriend, we were only together for 5 months, but spent all our spare time together and even met each others families and friends. I also know the girl from School some 18 years ago when we were both 14.

    We had discussed moving in together and she had even mentioned that it was as though we were always meant to have been together. So perhaps this is why i am finding it so hard to understand.

    She has told me a few different reasons for the change of heart, one being she had not long come out of a 4-year relationship when we met, and she thought he was the one.

    The other is that she has other family issues (which is true) and cannot deal with this as well as a relationship.

    I just feel lost at present. And keep trying to blame myself and thinking what i could have done differently. She has said that she needed time and space and i did pester her a bit as i thought that that it would show her how much she meant to me. But perhaps i have pushed her further away. I have cut all contact, and removed friends from FB etc. But i just feel numb. I cant see why i am so upset about something that didn’t really last that long. Help.. :-)..

  22. Sorry I never got a message that a comment had come in Ash. Wasn’t ignoring you. OH dear 5 mos…and she was not long out of a 4-year thing?

    Well relax – you probably didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. She does sound like she tried to date too soon.

    Also I doubt you pushed her further and further away – or if you did it’s not likely it’s a permanent #FAIL on your part.

    Give it some time – get busy with other projects etc and maybe on down the line you can send a wee short “Happy New Year” text.

    I love that you seem to have “reconnected” after all this time. Don’t fret too much just now – as I say just try to focus on other things / people / yourself…

    Are you feeling good about you – the way you look the way you dress your job and life in general? Now is the time to do an AUDIT on what is and what is not working in your life ok?

    Come back to me with some thoughts on this and I’ll try to find out how to get ALERTS for comments 🙂

    Tx

  23. Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve been pouring over articles and websites about being left. I had been broken up with my ex for over a year when we decided to get it another shot. He said he had missed me that whole time, and although he was conflicted about his feelings he wanted to explore them. I opened the door and we went away for a few days to “hash things out.” It went really well it seemed because he was super affectionate around friends and family the remainder of the week, and kept saying how happy he was we were back together. Barely three weeks later he sends me an email telling me he met someone else, that he hasn’t felt that way about anyone in a long time, and now he’s with her. I’m suffering all those feelings you’ve described as not being good enough or inadequate. He seems to be super happy and I feel completely second-rate and pathetic…And running the movie through my head of them being together is making me ill. This too shall pass as they say…

    Thanks again.

  24. Oh man I am so very sorry to hear that. Talk about re-opening an old wound! That’s such a total drag. Talk about being all over the place eh? One minute re-kindling with you – the next – whoosh. I wish I had the skills to take these pains away from people…

    The trouble with these situations when we focusing on our faults – we don’t see the opportunity these things present.

    From the positive standpoint – now you KNOW that it’s over. You will hopefully not be tempted to go BACKWARDS again.

    You know? You’re not inadequate. This is NOT personal. This will free you up to find something better. Something amazing.

    It can be hard to realise that to fathom it when we are so busy feeling deserted or what have you.

    It really will be ok. Just get on through these holidays. Dare to imagine how you’d like next year’s holidays to be…It really will be a whole new world next year! xx

  25. This story helped, so thought maybe my small but of wisdom might help someone else.

    Being dumped is a really hurtful right of passage. You learn a lot about what you want, you grow and you look back and can’t quite remember the emotional and sometimes physical anguish you experienced and most tend to be happier for the get out, somewhere down the line.

    That single thought has got me through six weeks of hell. Knowing one day this will all be a memory I can’t quite feel anymore.

    Ok, so that’s a tad dramatic. But the first few days of a break up are truly soul destroying and do tear you up in a way you think you can never survive. And you spend time and thought after that battling with yourself to let go, hang on, move on, stick with it and all sorts of conflicting ideas.

    But ultimately you remind yourself that you need to let go, because you can’t be with someone without their free will. And why should you settle for less then someone wanting you? That basic fact was the rock bottom soul destroying truth of it for me which concluded my why why why phase. From there, I’ve began to rebuild my self esteem.

    I call my process riding the waves. Embracing the tides, noticing the feelings, but not indulging in them and when your head gets covered by salty water, spit it out, hold your ground and get whatever enjoyment you can out of the sea.

    My six weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Allow yourself the sad moments, give yourself plenty of distractions, talk until your talked out. Try anything that will pass the time and help you process and get use to the situation. A lot of being dumped is about rejection, but there is a big part of it which is shock. You get use to it naturally and that does help heaps. I am lucky to have lovely sisters and friends who don’t get bored of my self indulgent talk about lost hopes of a guy who let me down.

    For me it’s about trying to find an enjoyment or productivity in each moment. Live for now. If I feel sad ill watch a sad film and cry, knowing its ones less cry needed. If I need to have fun, indulge in it; i can make more money! Doing whatever i need to in that moment in the first recovery phase and not beating yourself up. Every action you do, although it may not feel like it, is getting you closer to the finish line. Because your passing time, your embracing the way you feel and your processing.

    Like waves, it’s about knowing there may be another big one coming, but that it passes. It can feel like your drowning, but you will survive, just keep on swimming. Keep being productive, focusing on you and don’t stop trying to get something out of that moment. Some resolution, some fun or best of all, some hope.

    I could beat myself up for going to see a psychic, or snogging a guy I work with! But it could have been much worst. I could have joined a cult or I could have had an orgy! So when you do silly things, remember it ALWAyS ciuld gave been worst. Ultimately, that’s one more frog out of the way, and one person who if nothing else, let me think about my life and what I want from it! Silver lining and all that. Try to stay positive. You won’t always, but try and fight your way back.

    One more thing. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to be set back. It’s ok to hit lows. Get through it. Time will pass it. Embrace it, talk yourself around in your own way. One less down to be had.

    The 12 stages clip really spoke to me and I’d recommend them. Especially if your at a stage where your searching for a torch. The whole thing really reminded me of past break ups too. Although I can quite honestly say this has been the most devastating; it reminded me that we do pull through all these stages. You might feel like your going back a few stages every other day, but trust me, you are getting closer to the finish line, with every single second that passes.

    We can’t control time, but we can control how we use it.

    There really is a light a the end of the tunnel. This site helped me get there.

  26. Thea my story is exactly the same, intl call my dime . Everything except I’m not sure if he cheated on me

    Irrespective, I know i shouldn’t care but did your ex ever regret what he did? Its been almost a month and I’m taking it well, being more productive at work, going out etc. but am still somewhere waiting for the satisfying feeling

  27. Mel – I know it’s a cracker isn’t it? When these people do this 180 on us. For a long time I viewed my “so called love of my life” as a “horrible” person (and the woman he went on to marry too) But time has made my vantage point different. Could I be friends with him now – after so many years have passed? You know what? Probably. But I don’t really see that ever happening. Who knows though?

    I don’t believe he meant to hurt me or fall in love with another woman. He’s not a “Bad” guy. Nor is she a “bad woman”. They got together and for what I know – I think they’re still together with kids and the lot and I say “good for them”. He left me for his soul mate it would appear.

    The thing is – after a few years (sorry but it takes ages) – I didn’t care one way or another about the whole thing. I used to think I couldn’t be friends because it was so “awful” but eventually it just becomes an “IS” – as in “it is what it is”. I have no judgment on it at all anymore. No anger, hurt, disappointment, bitterness nothing. I also think things go the way they’re supposed to even if we don’t like it at the time! You know?

    So he was on his path – doing what he needed to do – and I am on my path – doing what I am.

    My advice is to grow, heal, learn what you can from this pain so that it somehow will make it worthwhile! Set that as your primary goal. To benefit from it. To go on to be happy, to live, to love, to forgive…FOR YOU. For no one else.

    Hugs you take care. This too really will pass…Everything does.

  28. Sorry Thea, but just one last thing

    I dont want to go back to him because apart from what he did ( he didnt cheat on me but broke up over something futile) there are several variables which I’m sure because of i would not k=like to be back with him.

    He wants to be friends because he wants the cake and wants to eat it too, do you think if I’m sure I don’t want him back its better to be friends and slowly get over each other, because just someone going away from your life like that takes too much time to get over

    Trust me I won’t go back to him. What do u suggest, can i start contact?

  29. He might move on but by then I would just probably be better and over him. The healing process is what it is but there are so many answers I dont have ( i did not contact him after the day of breakup ), I have no access to his thoughts suddenly, this is my first breakup and I will move on I know sooner or later,maybe he moves on first but I just seem to feel how if I’m in touch that longing will go and believe you me I won’t go back to him because there are some variables which won’t let me get my guard down.

    You think I should be patient and wait for years to let it go, or just start little contact and take it fom there? Please I really need help

  30. I’m writing because I’m deep in the “awful-shock-black-cloud-overhead” phase and just wanting to vent here to save my poor sister another phone call… 🙂

    After a long hiatus of dating following a relationship with a colossal jerk, I found a really sweet man. I’ve never felt so safe and committed in my life. We had a few “cards stacked against us”–namely, he worked out of town every other week and had custody if his young daughter on the weeks he was in town.

    I come from a family with a wicked stepmother and certainly didn’t want to become one myself…in fact, I was slightly phobic of “coming between” my guy and his child. However, due to his guilt over the divorce and his wonky travel schedule, he indulged his girl quite a bit. It had only been the two of them together since his divorce when she was 2. (She’s 8) Further complicating things was the fact that she emulated her mother, who is, in my limited and surely biased opinion, one of the most self-centered humans I’ve had the displeasure of knowing. Little Girl was a pistol–bossy and inflexible most of the time-capable of getting “her way” with her dad very easily.

    We dated for 2.5 years. The holidays approached and I began to question my sense of “family” and belonging. I lost my dad to cancer a few years back and with that, lost my connection to the huge clan I grew up with (cousins, uncles, aunts, etc) as there is no longer a “home” for me where they all live…. Perhaps it was my holiday angst that started it all, but I started my break (I’m a teacher) feeling like an outsider in their home. (We didn’t live together)

    His daughter was acting out a lot. I could detail every instance because I kinda want to, but then you may fall asleep… 🙂 so, I’ll leave it at a few examples: referring to me in the third person, telling him not to sit next to me, telling me that I couldn’t eat out of certain “special” dish ware, etc. At one point, when I wasn’t there, she told him that I “don’t belong in their family” He didnt argue with her. This was crushing, especially compounded by my holiday blues. (He didn’t want more kids, so I was grappling with how a life with no family of my own would feel…it became imperative that I felt like they were my family….but it seemed like there was no room for me.)

    In short, he came over on our first night we would have had together alone and dropped the “break-up” bomb on me. I felt shocked and shattered. He has always been a pillar of reliability–almost to a fault– and I simply couldn’t believe he was making the decision so suddenly, with no input from me. I survived on tangerines and wine for several days. He swore up and down that it had nothing to do with his daughter’s words/actions, and that the two of us were just incompatible. I couldn’t believe this. I had always valued and appreciated our dynamic. I (naivley) thought we were very solid as a couple, situational stressors aside.

    I asked to be included in the discussion with his daughter, but it became complicated by him being uncharacteristically flaky. Finally, I wrote a letter to her which was gut-wrenching to craft and deliver.

    A few nights later, he sent me an email telling me that my letter was long so he had to paraphrase it for her (I was outraged at this final silencing, really) He mentioned that she knew it had nothing to do with the things she said. And he signed off “take care”—and that was that. No mention of my feelings other than that. Although I offered to talk with her on the phone if she wanted to talk, I never heard from them again.

    I’m so saddened by the thought of meaning so little to this “family” I poured my heart and energy in to for the last years… I still can’t believe how swiftly and decisively he ended it all. Although it has now been a month, I’m still in shock. It’s like I didn’t know him or our connection at all… As if it was all meaningless.

    I’m not sure what advice I can ask for, other than an electronic ear from strangers. I’m still finding myself with this perma-sad look on my face most of the day, when I’m not in front of my class acting chipper. I just hope that with such little closure I will be able to heal. And, feeling inconsequential is killing me. I keep my fingers crossed that this wont impact my sense of worth in the long run.

    For such a grounded relationship, I can’t beleive the rug was pulled out from under me… I worry, as you mentioned, that I won’t ever find such a “good” guy again… Although it was almost his “good guy” nature that prevented him from making room for me in their life. 🙁

    Any advice helps…you’re site has helped me a lot tonight. Thank you!

  31. I don’t have time to sit and write a proper reply as my hair is wet and I should be jetting off to my office job 🙂

    I don’t get notifications people leave posts any more so I just randomly checked on the off-chance and was glad I did.

    First of all you’re an amazing writer and woman. You sound as you you’ve got a good self-aware sort of mentality.

    With regards to the experience – I feel a wee bit similar to you on I had the OPPOSITE experience with the 8, then 9, the 10 year old daughter. I loved her with all my heart and like she was my own. It was pretty mutual I think. But when my relationship ended, too, it was DEVASTATING. For a long time. I too lost that “family” unit – which included his mother so it really did feel “great” to be a part of (most of the time) given I live 6000 miles from my family.

    So I do really feel your PLIGHT. The loss. The pain. The feelings of being forgotten.

    I also feel for the daughter who sounds like, well, a brat…and more importantly ME when I was young and my dad tried to date. I swear I was JUST LIKE HER. Jealous, possessive, driving a wedge between my father and his girlfriend. Ironic what a bit of time and maturity do. When I used to call her names – I think things like “Godzilla”….30 years on I am the one to phone her up and have a chat! LOL. I even drove an hour or so out to see her last trip. She’s not well bless her.

    My point in mentioning that is go easy on yourself and them. They haven’t forgot you. I am certain he misses you but his allegiance is always going to be her and yes it’s mostly HER opinion that matters. It probably colored his! It sucks for sure but it’s not really personal. She doesn’t KNOW you, not really, she just knows she wants her daddy to herself.

    This burns you – it’s painful, hurtful, sad etc but I don’t believe for ONE MINUTE it was a waste of your time. It hurts now but don’t let the time spent with a lovely person be a bad thing because it hurts now. You know?

    After mine (which was a painful sort of on-off things for a few years after our split!) I too had those thoughts about family and in my case, as I am “too old” to have them now I reckon (not physically per se just feels a bit too late the natural way) I have considered FOSTERING. I do long for a sense of family too. I guess my friends here in Scotland have become “family” in most ways but yeah it’s not the same is it?

    Anyway you’re a brilliant wee writer. I enjoyed your words though painful to read at times (some similar themes going on there). You’ve not wasted any time. Sounded like even if it did continue on there would always be this ‘wedge’ in her. I don’t think that’s the case for all father daughter relationships as I say mine was the opposite and just as painful. I think I mourned losing HER more than losing him if I am being honest. A few years down the road and I do miss her but no pain is attached to any more. I sometimes see her near by. She’s growing. She has ear rings. She’s very excited about that 🙂

    Give this time.
    Don’t make assumptions about him/her because you really don’t know.
    And as she grows up she’ll change about how she views you I suspect.
    You’ve not wasted a moment’s time – this experience is helping you to grow / learn about life, love, Self etc.
    This too shall pass. Find the good in this situation.

    For me I focused on the fact that even though I missed him and her – I had no more DRAMA once we split.

    You don’t have any more now. No crushing comments to over hear!

    I really have to get to work – I sat here longer than I had anticipated clearly 🙂

    Hang in there – this really will be ok – it’s just going to be RAW for a while. Keep writing – here if needs be. Will give shout outs back to you when I can ok? xxx

  32. Hey, Thea! Just wanted to thank you for your sweet, thoughtful reply… I read it several times, actually, and I really appreciate your words. Thank you!!!

    The spring in my step has yet to return, but by relying on the support of people like you it has made it a lot easier to digest all this. Thanks again for taking time to reply.

    You’re saving the sanity of many, I’m sure of it!

  33. Thea, I really need your reply It would help me a lot. I don’t know how to explain my condition in words. I loved her since we were very young like 15-16. She loved me too. Now I am 25, an Engineer. I was always a good student and my love was with me all the time. I was there for her, did whatever she liked, and gave whatever she wanted. I had to have a surgery, I was not well but still I finished her computer project which I was doing for 6 months and just night before surgery I handed it to her. Arranged many interviews for her, supported her education. I was like I did everything a husband would do for his wife. After getting job I asked her parents they agreed but my parents did not. As we are Indian family so this matters. But we didn’t stop seeing each other. My health fall, seeing which my parents agreed. But her parents could not wait so long. They fixed her marriage with someone else. She said to me she don’t like him. She thinks of me when she is with him. I said her I am coming to take her, but she says no she won’t go against her family, and said she is doing it for her family. I know if she wanted she could have convinced her family. But later she accepted that she like this new person with whom she will be marrying and they are having every kind of relationship. She shouted at me and treated me like a dog. I got poor performance notice from office. I am not able to live with this I am having high bp of 160-170, chest pain. I consulted a physician and I am on anti-depressants and sleeping pills but it’s not helping me. She will be engaged soon and will be married by December 2013. She doesn’t care how I am. I don’t know how to live what to do. Soon I will be thrown out of my job for ill health and poor performance. I have read your suggestions but I still couldn’t resist calling her again and she keeps shouting and she feel good for the breakup. My mind keeps showing them together as you said. I can’t sleep even with pills, I can’t concentrate on job. And lots more happening. Please suggest.

  34. Dear Lolly and Thea,

    I wanted to say thanks so much for what you both posted. I am sitting here in tears reading about your experiences- actually laughing too because of what you said Lolly about surviving on tangerines and white wine..interesting combination.

    For me it’s been tea and biscuits. Ice-cream for breakfast..but it could be worse..I threw out the cigarettes the first weekend as I knew if I got into it again I wouldn’t stop and that would be an extra act of will on top of the mental strength I’m needing right now not to (a) beat myself up mentally (b) beat him up mentally- none of it helps.

    And I really want to be a strong person now and use all my resources to stop me running back to him. I am balancing this with what you said Thea about “don’t let time spent with a lovely person be a bad thing”. I don’t want to just put him in the b****** category because he wasn’t, and he isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it is a good idea for me to still be with him.

    It’s been three weeks and a day today and I think the weekends are the worst because I just wake up and it’s the physical ‘him’ I miss rolling into. But I’m crying too because I know how much was going on under the surface for me in the relationship in terms of family and my desire to have one with him- or just live a life with the option of lots of company!

    We started going out only a few weeks after I moved country, last summer- adventure of a lifetime-to work. Although I am a fairly self-sufficient-enjoy-time-on-my-own kind of girl, it would be fair to say that having him as my boyfriend was a lovely buffer to the shock of being in a new country/culture and being so far away from everyone who knows me well and loves me.

    I didn’t have any of the complications you describe regarding step children etc., but we had other cards stacked against us. This is a very conservative society and it wasn’t so easy to be open about our relationship, particularly for him.

    I suppose I had a ‘love conquers all’ naivety, and his attitude towards marriage and having a ‘big family’ was really attractive to me. It wasn’t like he and I were going to get married right away, but it was mentioned a few times on his part.

    If I’m totally honest I was feeling a bit lonely here so of course that was really appealing to me. On the phone I would hear all his nieces and nephews clamouring for his attention in the background and feel a bit sad because I was so clearly out of the loop and it didn’t look like I could ever be there soaking up all those affectionate fun feelings unless we were engaged, which I did not really feel 100% comfortable thinking about anyway. I just loved him, but loving him and marrying him are two different things.

    I told him it was becoming too hard for me a few months ago- that I felt so compartmentalised and sad that I couldn’t be part of his life. He had been at a friends wedding and didn’t contact me for a few days. But we didn’t break up and- as ever- I tried to make the best of the situation, investing myself in things I want to do in my own life and trying not to make him the centre of my universe.

    Then a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. It was such a stupid mistake on my part- he had responsibility too but in my experience it’s usually the woman who has to be mature about these things..

    In a case of worst timing ever, he became involved in some dodgy business deal and went away to ‘sort his head out’ which meant basically that the few days he wasn’t in touch during the wedding now paled into comparison. When I did talk to him it was clear that he was ‘sorting his head out’ with the use of narcotics.

    So, after much anguish and soul searching, I decided to get an abortion. It was no mean feat as I am in the kind of place where being a foreigner is a big deal, so I went to the nearest big city. Even in the hospital waiting room the receptionist and the guy who mops the floors decided that would be a good time to have a big discussion about me in front of everyone. You don’t need to speak the language to know when people are talking about you and I really could have done without it at that particular moment.

    During this time he was still away, he rang me and I was in tears most of the time. He asked me did I see myself being with him but I had to be honest and say I didn’t know. I knew he would have married me out of duty or else I would be a single mother at home- financially and emotionally it would not have been viable for me.

    Also mentally I felt very unhinged the entire time I was pregnant. And I don’t want to start an abortion debate because that’s not what this site is about, but I suppose it’s just all been part of my experience. I realised I was in no way ready to be pregnant or to have a family, and maybe it was not a good idea to seek those love and affection feelings I was craving through an innocent third party- in short, I didn’t want to mess a child up because of my poor judgement.

    And yes, I feel in one way like this is an opportunity to grow, to know myself and to dig deep inside. And then on the other hand I feel such a sense of loss..of that black heavy cloud that was mentioned..and I amazed at my ability to get on and do my job and act normally when I feel so sad.

    I feel like with a break up It isn’t ever just the loss of that person. It’s also the loss of innocence, the loss of the hopes and dreams that were all tied up with that person. I remember saying to him at the start “I wonder what’s going to happen with us”. I’m glad I didn’t know. But I wish it had been different.

  35. I am 23 and I am going through my first real break-up experience. I have had relationships before, but somewhat never ended up in this situation before; the previous times I did the dumping, or the relationship was not yet based on such strong feelings, or on the contrary, it got to a point of such saturation that breaking up felt relieving.

    it’s been less than 24 hours from our break up, so the pain is pretty intense; but even in my darkest hour I feel like this is an experience I eventually needed to go through in my life.

    although technically speaking, I did the dumping, it is he who actually rejected/abandoned me. it’s not that he didn’t love me – it’s that he did not love me enough. it’s not that he did not want to be with me – he just didn’t want it bad enough. I don’t know if complete rejection hurts more or less than this, but I can tell you that feeling like you are just something “average” and maybe at times “good” for someone really takes its toll.

    Losing him feels a lot like grief. we had good moments, we really did. above all, I lost my best friend, I lost someone that felt very much like family to me, I lost a person who knows me inside-out and I, him.

    I broke up with him because I constantly felt, despite all the good moments, his hesitation, his doubt… because in the last two weeks at least I lost my patience and became close to hysterical at times, and I am perfectly aware that that behaviour did not work in my favour. he was saying he loves me and wants to have a happy future with me, but i don’t think I have ever heard a person sounding less convinced. and when i left him, he just let me go. i decided to give him a complete silent treatment since, hoping it will ‘break’ him. so far, it didn’t. i was hoping that my absence from his life, his routine, would eventually get to him, that he would miss me.. I unfriended him on Facebook and deleted pictures he was tagged in, hoping to get him to panic. nothing has happened yet. no reaction.

    and even though I fear, like any other human being, for my future and I am asking myself all the well-known questions: will i ever meet someone as good as him? will i ever meet someone at all? am i going to be alone for ever? will anyone see anything special in me?

    i know that, if and when i do meet someone new, i want a guy who will love me and who will be sure 100% that it’s ME he wants, and who will feel joyful and excited to have me in his life, a guy who will fight for me and would not even conceive of letting me walk out the door.

    i know there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me. i am pretty and i have a great body, as i am pretty athletic. i have a masters degree and come from a good family, i have a spirit of adventure and i am good fun. i am not perfect and i am not always in control of my emotions but i am human at the end of the day. and i guess the quality i most prize in myself is that everyday, i try to become a better person: physically, mentally and spiritually.

    my point is, ladies (and gentlemen), there is nothing wrong with YOU. even women like Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry have been dumped, or rejected, or disrespected. no matter how pretty or fun or smart you are, there will always be a person who will say “meh…”. don’t challenge that. you don’t need that crap. if they don’t see anything special in you it means that at some fundamental level they probably do not relate to you, so you need to find someone who ‘fits’ you better.

    i am in a lot of pain, and i miss him like crazy, but i am rational enough to know that i would not have had a happy ending with this guy. i am scared of moving alone in a studio flat and starting over, i am scared of all those lonely evenings and the empty bed, and God knows i don’t want to go through that… but at the same time, I want to heal and I want, really really want, to find real love eventually… I guess the first step is to WANT to heal, and even if you don’t see the silver lining yet, to WANT to find it.

    Sorry about the long post, I am an over-writer [academic habit], but it has been very therapeutic for me to write this, and I truly hope that some of the things I wrote here are going to help other people too.

  36. hi my name is peter iv just been dumped after a 13 year relationshihp like all relationships there were ups and downs i had a heart attack around three years ago and since then our sex life stopped i dont know why i asked her loads of times why? and she said that she had just gone off the idea?

    Anyway i stayed with her as i loved her so much, one day we had a heated argument in our home and she was pushing me so to guard her off i pushed her away and she fell on her bum, she hurt her arm so i took her to hospital and waited for her to be seen , that was the last time i saw her that day as she went to stay at her mothers, 3 days later she flew to Spain for a holiday with her friend and abandoned me and our 10 year old dog, she was away for a week when she came back from holiday she came to our home and i thought she was going to return, anyway she was going back and forth sitting with me and acting as if we may get back together,

    Anyway she now has a new flat but still wants to see the dog on her terms i still love her and it hurts me to see her i have explained this to her but, just repeats that im keeping her from the dog , she was the bread winner in the relationship and now i have to find a smaller flat that allows me to keep the dog,,,,,,,, can i ask how i approach this situation with her as its driving me mad

    regards peter

  37. I’ve found this website and its really helping to read and realise I’m not alone. I’m 48 hrs post break up from a 7 mth relationship. My first after a marriage break down followed by 14 mths of dating let downs. I’m riding the waves but it helps as I can see how far from perfect my man was. I thought I loved him but upon reflection I was in love with the LOOK of him and finally being in a relationship again. I didn’t love him at all. And apparently he didn’t love me ENOUGH. That hurts. … But some where inside my inner voice is shouting “he’s got the problem. If he can’t love you he’s crazy!” Inner strength and confidence I had to build after my marriage failure and dating disasters.
    So right now what scares me the most is being cast bak out into the single world. How will I ever find my soul mate? (My ex I met in a shop! So I need to hold onto the fact it can happen ANYWHERE ANYTIME) But that can be hard to cling on to. Right now I’m healing so trying not to think about it, but those thoughts can become over whelming, almost panicking. Can anyone reassure me? I will find it again in time? I just need hope xxx

  38. Hello.
    I have been reading break up websites allday and I want to say that your own story is exactly what I am going through at the moment. I am just 3 weeks down the line from a 5 minute phone call that totally changed me. I have had so many tears and even typing this is very hard for me.

    We split on August 6th and since then I found out something that has rocked me to the core. According to her FB page (yes I know I shouldn’t have looked) she has been in a new relationship since 31st July with ……… a totally devastating discovery.

    I was truly heartbroken anyway but this as made things far worse, as I cannot seem to stop thinking about them together and am astonished that she could move on so quickly.

    I have never felt worse and have no one to talk to, and am putting on a brave face in public, but as soon as I am on my own in the car or walking my dog then the tears start to flow.

    I’m not sure you still read these posts but want to say thanks, you have given me hope that the light is at the end of my tunnel.

  39. Sorry hon, I meant to approve this earlier! Yes, I do read all the posts before approving them 🙂 I don’t always have time to reply though!

    Read yours (or part of it) when out for a walk, then never switched on the computer when I got back in (very unlike me but the Emmys were on).

    The problem with it rocking you to the core because it was new – is different to how it was for her – who had time to mentally detach before making that break. I am VERY sorry to hear of your overlap. That does suck.

    As you said my story sounded a little a similar. Yes, agreed. But the good news from your Future Self (if you will) is that you WILL get passed all this.

    You WILL eventually stop picturing them. I did it too. I pictured them in OUR bed. I pictured them LAUGHING at me. United against me. I pictured HER driving around in MY CAR and living in MY HOUSE with MY GUY. Well that’s how it all felt back then. 15 years ago now.

    Eventually it doesn’t matter. What matters is not so much the stuff that happens to us but how we respond to it. You could get all bitter or your can choose to get better. Always strive for BETTER ok.

    Her choice doesn’t mean you’re not worthy, wonderful etc. You are. It doesn’t mean she’s going to swan off into the sunset on the back of the unicorn with your replacement (it just feels like she is). Read the blog about being replaced…I’ve so been there. It sucks! But it’s not a RACE OK doll. You’re going to be ok. Keep writing.

    Incidentally your post inspired me to re-institute my “Break Up Coaching”, I think…basically as someone to listen and help sort through the mess. Not done it for several years, but maybe I put that option back on the homepage for people who just need someone to listen and to remind them that it really will get better. You’ll not just survive you’ll THRIVE, if you want to that is. x

  40. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me Thea. I really appreciate it and don’t wish to be a burden but I have no one to talk to at all and you have helped me.
    Yes the hardest part is definitely picturing them together doing ‘our’ things and her acting as though nothing has happened. She has her own issues from a 27 year marriage that I know she hasn’t dealt with properly. Her husband couldn’t ‘get it up’…sorry for that expression and it made her look elsewhere as she places a high priority on the physical side.He didn’t have too much trouble when he met his 23 year old Ukrainian girlfriend though , I know that hurts her even though she tries to front up about it. We were very compatible in that way and each were each others best ever but it wasn’t enough I guess . I live a humble life , I have an ordinary job that pays £30K while she owns and lives in a country estate worth £20M…..we differed slightly there I think you’ll agree. She always said it didn’t matter as we just enjoyed doing very ordinary things , our lifestyle was simple and not decadent at all. There were luxuries there , swimming pool , tennis , horses etc but I would have loved this girl if she had worked in a shop.
    I have too much time to dwell on things now as I was so used to being busy on her property all day with the animals and having fun. Now I am back in my little house with my two dogs and to be honest I am so unmotivated and bored. I sit in silence for hours. I know this really isn’t healthy. I am going to go out this weekend even if it is the 2 hour drive to the beach for a walk.
    Thank you again for this site and for reading and listening.
    Shaun.

  41. Hi Thea
    It’s been a few days since I last wrote and really this is just an update on my feelings.
    I still think about it all too much , I just can’t help it and wish I could just switch my brain off for a while so I can rest. I am less tearful so a bit of an improvement there but it’s the feeling of loneliness that is the worst. I live in a village and unfortunately I have car trouble at the moment so feel a bit stuck. I haven’t spoken to a soul for 3 days. Sleep is proving difficult…only about 3 or 4 hours a night at the moment. I wake at 5am and ping off goes my brain again. One thing I am not doing though is having any intention to contact her. I have a slim hope in the back of my mind that over time she will realise that I was really good for her but it’s fairly unlikely. We did not argue and shout at each other ever. We only ever had slight disagreements over very trivial things so my conscience is clear in that respect. I was a good boyfriend and in time I want to be one again for someone else. 47 is proving to be a difficult age , I am worried my life will pass me by without finding love again but at the moment I could not consider meeting anyone else , I know inside that I am not ready for that and won’t be for some time. I just want to deal with the emptiness I feel and the time spent alone. When you are used to seeing someone everyday and talking to them everyday it is so hard when that is taken from you in the space of one phone call and after that call is over there is nothing , it was a great shock.
    I’m rambling , sorry.
    I’m going to heal…definitely !!
    Shaun

  42. Rambling is fine. All that you express is normal and natural and just “part of the process”.

    I hate going from 100 >0. All these calls and texts to NADA is just such a shock to one’s system. I know. Yucko! Thankfully that phase passes.

    Wee tips!

    Sleep when you can.
    Eat when you can. Even if you don’t feel like it – try!
    Go for a walk or bike ride and take some pics.
    Put on a TV show that will distract you.
    Do some writing. Pour out every thought – however random – onto the page (or screen). It’s great to refer back to in time!
    Call a friend to chat. Someone you can trust to open up to.
    Focus on work stuff.
    Or sort something around the house.
    Help someone else out. Take your mind off your troubles by easing someone else’s.

    You’re still whole complete and perfect as you are – regardless of her decision to walk!

    Hang in there. OK?

  43. Hi Thea,
    I’m so glad I found your site today. Thank you for creating this website and sharing your story, such a lighthouse in dark times.

    For yet another day, I’ve spent the last half hour at work crying at my desk(after my colleagues leave, I’m left in the office alone and I ball my eyes out). I just went to pick up the phone to ring a friend, and a memory of him flashed into my mind and I burst into tears and had to put the phone down.

    My boyfriend and I had broken up several times before but I know it’s truly over this time. I’ve always pursued him after our breakups, phoning, texting, and he never made any attempts to reach me. Surely, that would have told me all I needed to know? But no–I continue to pursue him. I’m not going to degrade myself any more by being the one to reach out yet again. When I think of how much I fought for this relationship, and how little care he showed, I feel so embarrassed. Why couldn’t I see that he didn’t love me?

    I feel tortured by the memories of him. They come at me all day, and just when I stop thinking about him, something reminds me and I find myself trying to fight the tears back and failing. I just keep remembering all of these tender, dreamy moments when we were sooo close–lying on his chest watching films, cooking together, laughing together, cuddling in bed, all of these little jokes between us. I feel like a mess. I feel pathetic. I can’t seem to move on from this guy, and yet he’s made it clear that he doesn’t care for me. I keep checking my phone, but knowing that he won’t contact me. I’m tortured by the thought that he will meet someone soon (or perhaps he already has) and forget about me. I wanted to marry this man and have children with him (and I’m in my late 30s, so I’m also contending with this feeling that I’m ‘running out of time’ in terms of having a family). He said that he wanted those things with me too–what did I do to put him off? That’s what’s running through my mind constantly: he rejected me.

    Sorry for the long post. I’m feeling so destroyed.

  44. Those early days, weeks months etc can truly suck. Boy do I know. I remember sitting at my desk sobbing too. Awful.

    You’re not pathetic. The “on again off again” relationships can be some of the hardest to move on from. Because you keep thinking – in the back of your head – maybe he’ll come back again. Or whatever. Even though say you know it’s for the last – somewhere in the recess of your mind you have a seed of doubt “is it really the last time?”

    Anyway please swap out “pathetic” and insert “human”. Who’s truly good at “letting go”? Only those who have no real capacity to love, I suspect. Try and switch your phone off. Read. Write. Walk. Dance. Heal. And bring in a guy who shares your level of feelings and commitment! Big hugs to you. Sorry I can’t write more bit swapmed but wanted to reach out with a virtual hug! xx

  45. Thea, you’ve just brought me such comfort, you have no idea. Honestly, I haven’t been able to talk to friends/family about it, because I know they’re sick of hearing about this relationship, so I’ve been containing everything since this last breakup and it’s been so painful.

    It really made sense what you said, about it being harder to move on because we’ve been ‘on again off again’–you’re absolutely right, I am still waiting to hear from him, and am checking my phone constantly so I’m going to take your advice and switch it off. You know what astonishes me is how much I’m internalizing and blaming myself, even though it is clear as day that the guy was deceptive. We had broken up previously because I found a ton of messages on his computer that he had been sending women when we were together, and yet I still managed to take him back after that! I somehow pushed that aside and just carried on with the relationship, which obviously gave him the message that I would put up with anything he threw at me.

    Thank you for the incredible boost, Thea. I really needed that so badly xxx

  46. Oh you are so sweet. You’re very welcome…Blame game is pointless. There, I am sure, were things you could improve upon relationship wise (all of us can) and areas where he has some work to do. Seldom is it ever down to ONE person – to make or break a relationship. You can get through this. Time to toss that fish back in the pond, do some healing and find someone who shares your views on fidelity 🙂 You take care hon…Keep writing. Journals help. Read Josh’s too. His diaries are going to be crackers! Maybe you’ll be inclined to do your own 🙂 xx

  47. Thanks Thea. Yeah, I know the blame game is not healthy, but I’m just perplexed about why he was sending all these messages to these women when we were together. I was so loving with him, and we were having sex very frequently.
    Thanks for the suggestion re: Josh’s story–I’ve just read what he’s written so far and it’s so comforting to hear other people’s experiences with their own breakups. We all go through this! Thanks again for being so lovely to me xx

  48. Yay! A Josh mention! I don’t know what “crackers” means, but it sounds good.

    In any case, Amanda, I totally feel your pain. Not so much on the on again, off again relationship, as I’ve never been “lucky” enough to actually have a second go around with a woman I was in a relationship with, but on the crying at the office, I am completely with you. I used to come in before other people came in. Thea is absolutely right, keeping it in is not the best thing. I highly recommend journaling. It really helps . My personal journal is well over 100,000 words since my breakup two months ago. If you want to do the 30-day diary challenge, well, I hope you do. The world needs a female 30-day diary. I would love to read it.

    I would say get anything you have to get from him regarding items he might have in his possession and vice-versa. No Contact really helps. Everyone says it, but it’s true. More accurately, it prevents you from feeling worse. Knowing this guy’s history, he probably will jump right into the arms of another woman, and you don’t want to know. Especially in these early days, seeing his pictures on Facebook, Twitter, or anything else, it will hurt way too much. And it’s all fake anyway. No one posts pictures of the massive fight or of the breakup, they only post the happy things. Block him on everything that you need to, possibly even your phone, just to tell yourself that it is really over and to protect yourself. There are tons of guys out there who don’t cheat. Promise. You’ve got this.

  49. Awww Josh, thank you for your lovely words. I was doing well with the No Contact, but ended up sending him a text a couple of nights ago in a moment when I was feeling so lonely. I was lying in bed at night gazing at the stars and just crying my eyes out. I made an excuse to text him, to ask him about a family member, but his reply was curt and he said ‘Thanks for asking’. That’s all I got. I still haven’t managed to delete his texts and phone number and I’ve still got him on my contact list on Skype. I know this sounds so sad, but every time I turn on my computer and my Skype comes up immediately, I always see the green tick next to his name and I feel comforted to know that he’s there. BUT, it’s also torturing me! He took our pic off his Skype cover page, and just has a blank icon right now, but what would happen if he put a picture up of him and another woman? I’d be in absolute pieces.

    I talked to my boss today, who’s also a dear friend, and told her that I’d been crying when she goes home every day, and she was so comforting. I hadn’t been confiding in her for a while, because she was angry with me for getting back together with him before so I felt embarrassed for getting back with him yet again, especially after I found all those messages! She was very supportive today, and it was a relief to tell her that I’d been crying a lot and was finding it really difficult to get over him.

    How are you getting through Josh? What do you do to lift your spirits? I read your story and it sounds just torturous what you went through, having broken up but still living together (I’ve been there before myself–lived with an ex for 8 months after we broke up!) and her being so disregarding of your feelings, and downright aggressive! Sending you a huge hug Josh ((()))

  50. Keep going Amanda.
    I am not contacting my ex and it is sooo hard but in the last few days I really have started to feel a little better and I know now that I will definitely get over this wheareas a couple of weeks ago I thought I never would. I think that telling all of my friends and people that knew us that we are no longer together has really helped and they have all been really supportive. Do not lock yourself away , you’ll still think about it when you are out but it won’t be as intense. For the first few weeks I didn’t tell anyone as I was hoping against hope to get back together. I’ve burst into tears in front of people and a few times have just had to wave them goodbye as tears and not words would come out. Keep going , I know exactly how you feel.
    Shaun

  51. Oh and I forgot to mention this Amanda.
    You must delete him from your Skype contact list. It would do you no good to see anything that would potentially damage you so just in case. I made the mistake of looking at my ex’s facebook page and her relationship status had changed to ‘in a relationship’ and the person who she is now seeing has changed his profile photo to a his and hers selfie taken in her kitchen. I am trying to shield you from any possibility of seeing anything similar as it will deeply upset you. Take care

  52. Hi Amanda,

    I know from experience how bad breaking No Contact can be. I can honestly say that there wasn’t one time that I broke No Contact and I said to myself “yeah, that was a good idea. I feel better.” It was always a mistake. I would reach out to my ex once every couple of days. Some of the time it was necessary since we still lived together, but other times, it was just because I wanted to talk. I never got a favorable response. That is the typical guy response when he doesn’t want to talk to you, but won’t ignore you. I would definitely recommend blocking him off of everything and removing him from everything else. You’re absolutely right about falling to pieces if he posted a picture of him and another woman. I wouldn’t even put yourself in that kind of position. If you must (I did!), you can save all of the texts somewhere you won’t see them and the pictures (I was not so lucky, she ripped them up).

    I agree with Thea that you can’t beat yourself up about what you’ve done in the past. All of the beating yourself up in the world won’t change anything. You can only change the present and the future.

    I’m making it. I wouldn’t say I’m over it or happy, and you can tell by the diary posts. I cut out a ton of the stuff that happened. I get really emotional later on in the diary. I sat there for a few minutes and really debated hitting “send,” but I am putting it out there. It is way too numerous to list everything she did, and there is far more that she took than just that list. Just got to keep moving forward. You know that you deserve better than this guy. Reading helps and actually going out and being a part of the world helps.

    Big hug to you, too! Heaven knows we need it!

  53. Shaun, thanks so much for the support! I must admit, I have been guilty of shutting myself away since the breakup, which has not helped at all, because I get home from work in the evenings and I feel lonely and have heaps of time on my hands to ruminate. The weekends are really tough right now. I can completely empathise when you say that you start crying when saying goodbye to people. You don’t want them to go because you don’t want to be on your own! I did this last weekend–was dreading going back to my flat alone. (hugs) You’re definitely right about taking him off Skype–I did that this morning. I shed a few tears when I hit that ‘remove from contact list’ button but I also felt relieved, better to not know what’s going on with him.

    Josh, I have to admit, I started drafting a text last night, and I thought ‘What am I doing?!’ and deleted it. It’s those impulsive moments which are a real danger, when you get this intense feeling of ‘OH! I must tell him THIS!’ I am finding No Contact really hard, because he used to text/phone all day, and now I look at my phone and ‘no messages’ 🙁

    I do have a question for you guys on closure. There are some things that I feel I need to say to him before I walk away, some things that remained unclear and that I need him to know. Is this a bad idea? I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this.

  54. Hey Amanda,

    Good for you! That definitely deserves congratulations. It’s those moments where you feel the most vulnerable or something sparks a memory of both of you together where it’s hard to resist No Contact. I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s easier for me to keep my phone off. I went from literally exchanging over 5,000 texts a month with my ex to nothing now. And yes, we loved to text at all hours of the day, everyday.

    On Closure, it’s a double-edged sword. It’s nice to know the answers to those burning questions, but two things to consider: 1. How accurate are the answers you’re going to get and are the answers at all being softened? 2. Will it result in a fight and can both of you keep your emotions in check? It’s harder than it sounds, and it sounds pretty difficult to begin with. 3. You will always have more questions. Always. You will never get all of your questions answered. 4. Finally, will these questions help you to move on? Maybe, maybe not.

    One potentially troubling item that could get you into trouble is making sure he knows certain things. That could potentially be very dangerous.

  55. Hi Amanda.
    I’m glad to hear that you deleted the skype. I know that would have hurt. I deleted my ex’s number from my phone the other day . It was a tough moment as all of our texts disappeared forever…the last few were horrible anyway. Even though it is five weeks now I still think about her a lot but I can really feel a slight easing of the pain , no contact is helping and this includes no looking at our photo’s or her facebook. She is with someone else and it leaves you with a twisted sensation in the gut when you think about this. I’m glad I know in a way as it makes the reasons for her breaking up with me seem pretty ridiculous.

    I feel like texting sometimes but we really mustn’t , please resist that temptation. I have many unanswered questions but now is not the time for them and I don’t think I’ll ever get to ask them.

    I’m no different to you. I get home at night and it’s lonely but try and keep busy. Bake some cakes for fun ,Ring somebody or have a declutter of junk. Throwing things away was quite liberating. Next week I take up horse riding again even though horses were a big part of our lives I’m not letting my sadness at the reminders prevent me from doing something that I love.
    I have set myself 60 days of no contact and wrote ‘day one’ in my diary last week. It’s a reminder to me to show some strength and get through this. The last person who you need to contact is your ex as it will prevent you from gradually getting over this.

    Oh and you must eat, i’m guessing you’re probably not. I was shaken back into eating when about 3 people I know told me I looked very thin , I had in fact lost about a stone and a half but am back on track now and have just eaten a giant plate of Spagetti

    Take care , Shaun

  56. Guys, thanks so much for the advice re: closure/no contact. I’ve definitely decided against sending anything. It’s amazing what difference a day can make to your perspective. Last night, I was torn, and today it’s like ‘Are you kidding me, no waaay!’

    Josh, you’re so right when you say I will always have more questions. The reason I wanted to contact him is: I wanted to know why, throughout the whole of our relationship, he was sending all these messages to other women?? I don’t understand. I was so loving, so giving, our relationship was very tender and passionate, so why did he still have to seek an outlet elsewhere and send these secret messages? It’s made me question the validity of the whole relationship because he was doing it throughout. You’re right–I will always have more questions and there’s no answer he could give that would help me to move on, really.

    Shaun, that was incredibly brave of you to delete your ex’s number. I’m going to take your cue and do the same thing. I’ve deleted all our texts. It is so true, that the longer you go with no contact, the easier it gets. From past experience, there’s nothing worst than breaking no contact, and then not getting a reply. It really sets you back. I booked a trip last night to go see some family, and that was a real boost. Shaun, I’m afraid I’ve gone the other direction–I have a tendency to overeat when I’m upset! SO, today, I decided I’m going to shift some pounds to build my confidence back up.
    Thanks for all the lovely support. I’m so glad I found this site!

  57. Hi Amanda,

    I knew if you waited a bit longer, you’d figure it out! Good for you. It’s those weak moments that you have to stay strong, because the grand majority of the time after and before, you’ll think to yourself “I definitely don’t want to contact them” and you’ll regret sending a text.

    That question you want to ask is probably one that you don’t want to know the answer to. What if he says something to the effect of he liked these other women better or you weren’t satisfying his wants and needs? That’s something I wouldn’t want to know. Moving on will be something you do without him helping you along. You’ve got this.

    I know how hard it is to delete the ex’s number. Don’t feel bad, I have a tendency to overeat, too, which is the opposite of how my last breakup went. Just gotta keep that in check, which I’ve been working to do. I completely agree with them not contacting back being the worst. Even a shouting match would be preferable. Glad we could help a little!

  58. Josh, I just had a bit of a breakthrough moment. When I read what I wrote about the question I wanted to ask him, I thought: ‘Oh my god, why am I mourning this relationship when he did what he did?’ I’ve been in such a daze with this relationship, refusing to see the reality. I need to rebuild my self esteem, and realize that I deserve better.

  59. I’m really happy to hear that. Once you have that breakthrough moment, it’s hard to go back. Realizing your current or ex significant other is making you feel worse, not better, is really powerful. I am sure there are times where it hurts a ton and where the emotions seem unbearable, but you’ve made it this far. Have you ever been this far down the path emotionally or mentally where you had decided that it was over and that there was no reconciliation? Sounds like probably not.

    Yeah, rebuilding self-esteem and self-worth seems like something we all have to do after being dumped. Up until a few days ago, whenever someone would pay me a compliment, I would brush it off and think in my head something to the effect of, “well, if I’m so great, why didn’t my ex-fiancee want to be with me and why did she leave?” Now I know that’s not healthy.

    Along with self-esteem, I don’t know about you, but there’s a ton of untangling that I’ve had to do. It’s like my ex’s thoughts are in my head and I know I don’t believe them, but they’re there. It’s like Thea said in the Ways to Get Over It. Watching shows and doing things that they liked even if we don’t like them. I have to figure out what I like and what I want without her. Maybe that’s just me, though.

  60. You’re right Josh, I’ve never gotten to this point. I was always hoping to get back together, and I pursued him the times we broke up. We were broken up for nearly a whole month once and I was the one that got back in touch, yet again. My family and friends were quite angry with me when I gave him another chance after I found all the messages. They couldn’t believe I could take him back after that. I wasn’t telling anyone that we’d gotten back together, and I guess that says everything–I knew it was wrong so I was keeping it quiet.

    I hear you on the untangling front, completely. My boyfriend was Indian, and we used to watch Bollywood films together in bed and he would sing me songs from the films. I’ve been playing the films since we broke up and basically torturing myself with memories. At the moment, I find myself drawn to films about break ups (The Breakup, 500 Days of Summer, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, etc) and I am finding it therapeutic but actually I think it’s just been my way of wallowing in it. I do love those films, but right now, they’re just keeping me thinking about him.

  61. In that case, you definitely deserve congratulations for not going back there again mentally. That’s a huge step.

    I know exactly what you mean. My ex loved certain things like movies and shows that I didn’t necessarily care for and I am just now admitting to myself that I don’t have to keep watching them and I can finally be honest. As someone who was living The Breakup, it’s a good movie, but yeah, the sad songs and all, it keeps you mired in it. I have tried to surround myself with as much positive as possible. Even though I get down and I know I’m not positive, I think it helps. I even changed all of my passwords to positive sounding passwords. It’s okay to feel down, we all do, and I definitely still do, but you’re definitely on the right track.

  62. Josh,
    I thought I was doing well, moving on, and then I saw him today.
    I was in town shopping, and I saw him walking along, on his phone texting and smiling. My heart started beating like a drum. I turned around and walked the other way and as soon as I got around the corner, I burst into tears. When I got home, as soon as I shut the door, I started crying uncontrollably. Now, all I can think is how happy he looked. He didn’t look like someone who’s trying to get over a breakup, and here I am, in pieces.

  63. Hi Amanda,

    Sorry to hear about that unexpected encounter. Just remember that it is a process. With how long and emotional your relationship was, there is no way you were going to be over it that fast. Seeing him unexpectedly was bound to trigger emotions. It’s okay, don’t beat yourself up. Just think about where you were at the beginning of this process to now. You’re moving forward. And it’s not good to compare what’s going on in your head to other people’s outside appearances. I’m sure you don’t walk around in a manner in which everyone would guess you’re really hurting on the inside. The lay person seeing you in town would probably have no idea what you’re going through and think you’re completely normal. The same goes for him. And besides, guys are a lot better at hiding their emotions than women are. We have to act tough and pretend we don’t have emotions because it’s not masculine. People at work tell me they would have no idea what I was going through if I didn’t tell them, and I am definitely in the same boat as you emotionally!

    Today, I am going to a place where my ex works and it’s possible I’ll see her. I am terrified of seeing her and am more nervous than you can imagine, but I really, really want to go to this place and have been avoiding it for months because I don’t want to see her. If I do see her, I’m sure I’ll be in exactly the same situation as you. You’re going to be okay. We are going to be okay.

  64. Josh, thank you for being so encouraging. God that really took me by surprise. I was just walking along and I think I had managed to stop thinking about it when I was out shopping, then he appeared and it threw me right back into the feelings again. It was so hard seeing him–just seeing his face made me melt.
    Yeah, you’re right, no way of knowing what’s actually going on in a person’s heart, and in his culture (he’s Muslim), even more so, guys are expected to keep their emotions under wraps, so there’s no way of knowing what he was really feeling.
    I hope you’ll be ok today when you go to that place, and I think it’s so strong of you to confront it by going instead of continuing to avoid it. Can you let us know afterwards how you got on?
    Right, looks like I need some more tissues.
    Big hug Josh (((()))))

  65. Any time! Especially in his case, you’re probably absolutely right. Trying to read him by only looking at what’s going on by looking at his outward appearance isn’t going to tell you very much. I am sure he thinks of you, I mean, heck, you guys were together for a while and there was a lot of emotion and feeling wrapped up in your relationship. Your reaction was completely normal, though. If he saw you if if he were to see you, I am sure he would go into Fight or Flight mode, too, and probably be panicking on the inside.

    Thank you! I hope I will be, too. I am currently on Day 17 of the breakup diary, and I am hoping it is a successful day if an uneventful one. I am trying to conquer two fears today, one of which I faced before and I couldn’t do it. I will definitely let you know and also put it in the diary.

    Big hug to you, too! Ironically, the Kleenex box and I have had a close relationship this week, too.

  66. I’m feeling better now after having a damn good cry. I did discover something today: when you’re having one of those impulsive moments, when you want to text your ex, if you just let a half hour go by, the desire does goes away. (quite similar to when I was quitting smoking and I wanted a cigarette!)
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you today Josh!

  67. That’s good, I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. I completely agree with that advice, or if it’s late at night and the urge hits, just go to sleep. It helps prevent bad decisions like texting or checking on their social media sites.

    I know you’re dying to know what happened and have been refreshing the page for hours just to see what happened. Okay, not really. Keeping your fingers crossed for me must have helped, because I accomplished both things I wanted to! And I didn’t see my ex. It’s a more in-depth story which I’ll save for the diary post, but it definitely felt weird and I was on my guard as if she was going to jump out of nowhere and start a fight with me. If she saw me, I don’t know but I definitely didn’t see her, so I consider that a victory.

  68. Just saw your message due to time difference (I’m in the UK, assuming you’re in the US). Yay, glad you accomplished what you wanted to! It’s good that you didn’t see her, though I think you would have handled it better than me!
    I talked to my cousin last night and she was very supportive. She’s just come out the other side of a breakup with a guy she was crazy about and who messed her about for a year and a half. She told me to hang in there, because in a month’s time, I’m going to be looking at it with very different eyes. She said that the time away, not having any interaction with the person, allows you to see things that you couldn’t see before because you were too emotionally involved. I should know all this from my experiences of breakups, but it’s amazing how you forget that you have been through this before (many times, in my case, as I am in my late 30s) and did get through it! Looking forward to reading your next diary post Josh!

  69. Thank you, I am glad, too. You are correct, I am in the U.S.

    It’s nice to have someone who has been there, especially recently, who you can talk to. It really makes a difference, so I’m glad you found someone like that. She is absolutely right, of course. My breakup was over two months ago, but it is exactly one month today since she moved out and since we last had contact, so I kind of consider that the “real” breakup. It’s amazing the further away it gets, the more you can look back and notice things you never noticed before. If only we could have seen all of this during the actual relationship!

    Thank you. Thea is posting about two a week, but today is day 19.

  70. Josh, I just read your post about surviving weekends as a single person, and it is so spot on! I can completely empathise about dreading weekends, especially long weekends because of national holidays! Like you, I don’t have a group of friends to seek solace in or to go and do ‘stuff’ with. I decided I was going to go to the cinema on my own yesterday and then ended up chickening out (he and I always went to the cinema together). Thanks for posting that.

  71. Well yay, I’m glad someone reads something I’ve written. The more I go out alone, the more I think that it’s more about who you’re with than what you do. I’m in Orlando, and I have an annual pass to Disney World. It’s a place where everyone comes from around the world to visit because of all the tourist attractions we have here, and yet, it’s definitely not the same since I don’t have my ex to do anything with. I go to the parks and out everywhere alone.

    While it’s not as fun to go out with someone as opposed to alone, it’s definitely better to get out. It feels bad much of the time to go out, but after I come back home, I am always happy I went out and I feel more accomplished.

    As far as the movies go, definitely make it a point to go to one that you want to see at some point. I always thought it’s something that couples do, but having worked at a movie theater for a couple of years a while back, I can confirm that there are a lot of single people who go to movies or people who go by themselves. Don’t let being single stop you from doing what you want to do, although I completely understand the overwhelming emotion that comes with partaking in an activity that your ex and you used to do as well as the thoughts of “is this something that is okay to do? Is this normal for people to go and do *insert activity here by themselves?*” It feels weird, and honestly, going to Disney World all of these times alone isn’t the most comforting of experiences, but I’ve gotten used to it, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t impact anyone else’s life.

    It does seem as if everyone is out there conquering the world and going on these fantastic dates, doesn’t it? Now that I’m single, it seems as if everyone is now having the time of their lives and I have no one to have fun with. I remember I was one of those people who was never available on a Saturday night because it was date night. Oh well. I would rather be single than in a relationship that makes me feel less than and where I know it wasn’t going to last.

  72. Josh, it’s actually quite comforting to hear that you’ve seen lots of people going to the cinema by themselves! I have been scared to go alone, and I always used to do so much stuff on my own. I used to go to pubs alone all the time, and it’s something I just don’t do anymore! I totally agree that you feel so much better getting out and about, and you feel like you’ve accomplished something and faced a fear. I must admit, I have had a habit of hibernating since the breakup. I do go to town and go shopping, but I definitely need to get out more instead of hiding away and moping.

    Yeah, I just came off the phone with my mum and she’s been trying to push me to do online dating, and I just can’t face it! But, maybe I should. Even if it’s just exchanging messages, it would be good for me, I think. I’ve never done online dating though, just doesn’t appeal to me at all!

  73. First of all – let me stick my nose in to say – go to the movies alone. I do it pretty much every week. I bring my fave foods, see what I really want to see and am always glad I did. I even go on Saturday night alone. Who cares? Lights go down and we’re all “alone” in there anyway or should be (as we shouldn’t be chatting away through it anyway!)

    “Feel the fear and do it anyway”

    No disrespect to your mother who no doubt means well…but it’s exactly the WRONG advice. I have 14 years experience in running this site and a very large percent of people wound up on here because people didn’t take the time to heal properly and just tried to “distract” themselves on dating sites.

    Really the time to date is when you no longer miss your ex. When you’re not wishing for them to come back etc.

    Go on “Meetup” and find some groups to join – I recently found a meditation one, there’s yoga, books, pottery, knitting, motorcycles, food, wine, biking, etc – anything you can imagine. Better you spend that free time healing making new friends…not trying to distract yourself with messages from new men.

    Your homework is to join a group and see a film on your own by next Sunday 🙂

    Best to you and good luck!

    Thea

    If you (or anyone) is wanting to be “Breakup buddies” – I can pass on your email addresses to each other… 🙂 But it’s nice you’re responding to each other on the blog. It reminds me of our old “forum” days! x

  74. Thea, I really needed that encouragement to go to the movies on my own! Thanks to both you and Josh for doing that, for pushing me out there. I used to do everything on my own, so I don’t understand where this new fear is, this fear of going places on my own! It’s not a fear of going everywhere alone, just specific places like the cinema, a restaurant, etc.

    Thank you! I too felt like my mum’s advice was off! I told her I’m not ready, and she said that the reason I’m saying that is because I just want to continue mourning him and she feels it’s very unhealthy. But the thing is, I don’t feel up to much right now, and I definitely can’t even fathom dating! I actually haven’t ‘dated’ before–I’ve always just ended up in relationships, but not purposefully gone out to date. I’m glad you said what you did because I must admit that I was feeling this pressure to ‘GET OUT THERE!’ and I’m just not there.
    Thanks for the offer re: exchanging email address? Can you pass my email address to Josh? I will definitely continue posting here, and it will also be good to send emails. Please feel free to pass on my email if anyone else asks for it.
    You guys have no idea how much it’s helped me, reading your stories and chatting to you all. x

  75. Sorry, that’s not meant to be a question mark after ‘Thanks for the offer re: exchanging email addresses’! I just wanted to let you know because the sentence reads differently than intended!

  76. Hey there
    I am glad I stuck my nose in then 🙂 I sometimes come across as a bull in a china shop online (especially) but my intentions are good. Your mum means well but it’s the 100% wrong advice to give someone mourning the lost post split. If it had been a year (it hasn’t has it?) then maybe that’s a different story…but we all take our own time in healing…I’ve taken 2 years to get over a six week relationship (but really that 2 years was morning the previous 2 guys too – so three altogether).

    Each break up triggers past hurts – even from childhood stuff – so we often have more stuff to sort through then just this recent breakup…

    I’d recommend the 100 Foot Journey for a wee solo movie trip. I went Friday evening 5:20 showing and laughed and cried and it made me want to head to France. Who’s with me? 🙂

    Will arrange an intro to you both privately! 🙂

    For anyone else need Breakup Buddies do let me know!

  77. I’m so glad you said what you did Thea–I was starting to think my mum was right, that by not wanting to go on the dating sites, I was clinging on to him. We only broke up for good 2 weeks ago, and I still feel very emotional about it, definitely not ready to date. As you said, I’m definitely contending with childhood hurts here, because I feel rejected by him, thinking ‘What did I do wrong?’ I’ve completely internalised this breakup. I totally hear what you’re saying about the length of a relationship being irrelevant. I was only with this guy for 5 months, and I’ve mourned this relationship longer than I did a relationship I had for 6 years. It was very intense between us, and for the first time in my life, I really wanted to get married, because he made me have that desire. Oh dear, starting to tear up…

    Oh, I’ll have to check out that film. I don’t think it’s in the cinema in the UK at the moment, but I’ll go have a look!

  78. I’m in the UK it’s out here – just depends on if you have any big cinemas near you! 🙂 Good luck!

    >> We only broke up for good 2 weeks ago

    Ohdeargawd. You have my permission to NOT date for six months minimum! OK? x

  79. Fab! I’m in a big city so I’ll go have a look at the Vue listings.

    Awww, that’s so sweet what you said. I really feel like you’re looking after me! Six months and beyond sounds about right to me! x
    PS. I’ve got an appointment on Thursday to talk to a counsellor. I’m really glad I booked that appointment, so need it.

  80. I’m a little late to the party here, but Thea is spot-on. My last break up, I dated too soon and I definitely won’t be making that mistake again. And when I say too soon, I mean literally one week after the break up. In hindsight, that probably didn’t look too good to my ex at the time, something I have ironically never considered, but she did cheat, so there’s that. In any case, like the typical guy, I tried to paper over my pain with a new relationship. My mom even offered to pay for a Match.com subscription! After going on a few dates and crying after the majority, pining after my then ex, I decided to hold off. I would say it made me feel good in the moment, but it was ultimately an awful idea.

    In any case, definitely hold off for at least a little while. I read a quote somewhere recently, and it was something to the effect of “if the love of your life, the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with, walked into your life right now, would you be ready?” In both of our cases, I believe that answer is a resounding “no.” Definitely keep us updated. I am especially curious to see how the counselor goes. Here, it’s a bit more complicated than just booking an appointment and I really need to buckle down and get to it, because I think one would help. Secretly not so secretly, I’m scared of talking to someone.

    P.S. I gave Thea the go ahead to exchange emails, too!

  81. Hello , it’s been a little while since I last logged into the site. Nice to see Amanda and Josh giving each other moral support.Keep going you two.
    It’s now 6 weeks since I was dumped via that fateful early morning call. The pain has lessened but I still think about her far too often. There are occasions when I realise I haven’t thought about her for an hour and I’m like ‘wow’ , it’s a good feeling.
    I find the hardest thing is that are constant reminders of her everywhere. Every time I see or ride a horse , see the same sort of car , certain songs (I’m not sure I can ever listen to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd again) and then there is a very very popular baking program on Tv that I avoid at all costs as the Xmas and Easter specials were filmed in our kitchen. All of these things are sad reminders of happier times , hopefully one day I will remember and smile with fondness.
    Overall though I am in a much better place. I was even asked out on a date by a very attractive woman but doesn’t seem right so I told her the truth and then afterwards kicked myself but if I am totally honest I’d be cheating both of us if I went out and pretended like I was baggage free. She understood and was very nice about it as she had felt the same a few years ago. As Josh said I would be just papering over the cracks.
    I may even go to the cinema by myself this week , hadn’t even crossed my mind before !
    Best wishes , Shaun

  82. Hey Shaun,

    You can definitely join the club regarding thinking about your ex too often. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, though. At least your frequency is decreasing. The Avoidant stage is perfectly okay. Eventually you’ll want to start doing some of those things, but take your time.

    That’s great work turning down the date. Long-term, it was the right move, because even if it would have worked out and you two would have gotten into a relationship, were that to end, you would have had two relationships to mourn, so congratulations are in order for that.

    Ha, we should start an SYDB Movie Club for the Brokenhearted and compare notes on the movies so it won’t seem so lonely.

  83. Hi everybody!. I’m going through my third month of NC after being dumped. I recognize myself in your comments, I also escape from movies, music and places that reminds me of my ex. It’s very hard, because we live in a small town, a few blocks away from each other. The weekends are specially difficult to endure, and I’m struggling to escape depression every sunday. I’m from Argentina, and I thank Thea and this site, for building a place to share our experiences through painful moments.

  84. Welcome and thank you for the comment Pablo. 3 months is still early days! It starts to get easier – as do weekends! Be as proactive as possible. You take care and keep chatting – when you can x

  85. I am liking the SYBD movie group. We can do a Google Hangout to discuss. Up to 10 or so people on the calls – from all over the globe! How fun would that be – LOL! x

  86. Josh, I’m totally with you on not dating. In fact, like I was telling Thea, I’m not one who’s ever dated anyway. I’ve always just met people through friends, groups or work. I’ve never gone on a dating site, and I just don’t fancy it at all! I’ve had friends/family (and particularly, my mum!) trying to push me to do it, but I just can’t. It’s not me. I understand that it works for a lot of people but I just don’t want to do it. I’d rather just randomly meet someone. Loving your idea re: the movie club Josh.

    Shaun, I totally understand–my ex is on my mind all day, with brief moments of respite. I’m even thinking of my ex when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you know that very brief period of like 30 seconds being half awake/half asleep? Yeah, re: ‘Wish you were here’, it’s definitely off limits, and for that matter, I’d say any Pink Floyd, for the moment 🙂 I was listening to an Indigo Girls song called ‘The History of Us’, about being heartbroken (“I went all the way to Paris to forget your face…”)–so moving. If you do listen to it, have the Kleenex to hand. WOW, so you’ve been asked out, you cheeky monk?! What a lovely ego boost, eh?

    Pablo, everyone can completely empathise with how you feel about weekends. In fact, check out Day 2 of Josh’s breakup diary where he talks about this. It must be tough for you living a few blocks away. I’m assuming you run into her often?

    Thea, the Google Hangout idea sounds so fun!!! I’ve never done that before! x

  87. Hey Pablo, I can definitely relate on the weekend front. They are not fun, especially when they used to be spent with your ex. While going out is still nice, it doesn’t compare to being in a great relationship, especially directly after a break up.

    Hi Amanda, I’m glad to hear my movie club idea is gaining steam. Next stop, five people! In all seriousness, we should pick a movie over the next couple of weeks, you know, after being comfortable with the idea of going to the movies alone, and talk about it. That way, if someone backs out, well, the cost of that is more than just being brave and going to the movie alone. Nothing against dating sites, in fact, when you are ready to date, they are a definite ego boost for women, speaking of ego boosts…

  88. Hi everyone . It’s been great to read all of the latest comments posted on here.
    Amanda I have a few Indigo girls cds here and I will try to find that track later , tissues at the ready.
    Movie suggestions are welcome , the cinema near me probably has no one in it around tea time so will go then and I’m looking forward to it.

    I have a testing weekend coming up. There is a big horse trials event near me that I normally go to and there will be people there that know me through her. The question is …do I go ? And if I do shall I avoid the old friends (her friends). There is even an outside chance she would be there but I think to see her would be only hurting myself so maybe it is best to stay away…I’m answering my own question aren’t I ? There was a hunt meeting near me this morning which was another reminder , it was weird but there was a lady calling the hounds in a particular way…the exact way that she used to call them and I know she sometimes joins this event. I wish my brain would switch off sometimes 🙂

    Hello to Pablo , must be tough inn a small village and I sympathise with you. Although Argentina is another reminder for me as she went there to visit her son soon after meeting me and used to call me in the night as she couldn’t sleep and wanted to hear a friendly voice.

    Yes it was nice to be asked out Amanda. The lady has actually asked to meet me sometime at the weekend for a game of crazy golf at the seaside as friends. I’m thinking this might be a good thing to do as it is not a ‘date’…..

    Best wishes
    Shaun

  89. Shaun, that’s a tricky one to answer re: that event. This is only my take on it, maybe someone else can chime in with their view: I think it depends on why you’re going. Now, if it were me in my current state, I know I’d be going in the hope of running into my ex because it was a shared interest between us and I’d be desperately hoping to see him there(even though running into him last Saturday ended in tears!). BUT, if it’s the case that you genuinely want to go because you enjoy those events, I’d say do it! In fact, you said you normally go so I say go and enjoy yourself. If you see her friends, you are under no obligation to tell them anything about your breakup. In fact, I’d encourage you to not mention it, for your own emotional wellbeing. What do you guys think?

    Josh, you absolute tease, leaving us on a cliff hanger by saying ‘speaking of ego boosts…’! WELL? Spill the beans, sir!

  90. Thank you Amanda.
    I am supposed to be going with some friends whose daughter is a very talented rider. I definitely do not want to see my ex. If I knew that she wasn’t going it would be a relief. That’s best case scenario , worst is that she turns up bold as brass with her new man. I really am not ready to see that , likelihood of a confrontation would be fair considering the circumstances of our split. Thing is it’s only a mile from my house and 30 from hers so if she did show up I am pretty sure it would be to get a reaction from me. Am thinking that even the possibility of this happening is deterring me as I am not ready for it.
    Regards
    Shaun

  91. Shaun, I’ve got to agree with Amanda on this one, although at my stage, I would want to void my ex at all costs.

    Amanda, I probably should have rearranged that sentence a bit. I meant, for your own version of an ego boost, try online dating.

  92. Void or Avoid? Just curious. Very different meanings…

    And frankly NONE of you should even consider being on any dating sites right now. Not even “just for fun” or to distract yourself from the pain. Really not a good idea! Better to heal and be comfortable alone with yourself than to self-medicate by trying to find a replacement mate or distraction. Bad bad bad idea. So no do not try online dating yet – until you’re not missing your ex anymore. They are FILLED with people just trying to fill the VOID. A very bad way to start any relationship…and people end up getting more hurt or hurting others because they embark on something new when still looking in the rearview mirror….just say “no” to dating sites for the time being – all of you who are commenting here about your exes just now!! NO NO NO. Ok enough ranting.

  93. Ok I consider myself reprimanded.
    Best of luck Amanda and Josh. I think my contributuions to this site are over for the time being.

  94. >> Ok I consider myself reprimanded.
    Was that aimed at me? If so, it wasn’t you reprimanded, it was Josh for saying “Try Online Dating” :)))

    >> I think my contributuions to this site are over for the time being.

    Don’t be too sensitive around here hon. We all want what’s best for you…

    I know I personally do come across as bull in a china shop…but my intentions are good.

    14 years of this site has seen many people on here due to people dating too soon so it’s a personal pet peeve.

    Better to take time out, heal, know yourself, love yourself then move on to share that life…Does that make sense?

    Good luck either way, and we all do value your contributions and want to hear your updates should you choose to share them on down the road!! x

  95. On my online dating comment, I meant down the line, I would definitely give it a shot if I were Amanda, or, well, anyone for that matter. Definitely not in the next couple of months, so I hope it didn’t come off as that. I meant eventually. I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water. When someone is over their ex, a while down the line, I don’t see an issue with online dating.

  96. I hope everyone’s ok.

    I had my counselling session today and I’m so glad I went. When the counsellor reflects things back to you, you see things that you missed and start making connections. I really feel like I’m moving forward after seeing her today. Of course, I’m obviously still really hurting, but she’s getting me to channel my energy into something more positive: taking care of myself, instead of focussing on why the relationship ended, which is what I’ve been obsessed with.
    Does anyone have any recommendations re: good books to read while you’re going through a breakup?

  97. Hi Amanda,

    Glad to hear counseling is going well and that you’re taking care of yourself. I still have to be brave and get into one. As far as breakup books go, I’ve read a couple, but none that I would say are spectacular must reads. Mars and Venus Starting Over, which is included in Thea’s breakup books, is decent, but it is dense and lengthy if one does the exercises. I’d go on Amazon.com, search “breakup” or breakup books, and see what interests you.

  98. Good for you, Amanda!. Hope that counselling can help to empower yourself, taking care of your own life and letting obsessions go. Like Josh,it’s a pending question for me.

  99. Hi all!
    Sorry I disappeared–I’ve been a bit up and down and have been hibernating a lot (work, cooking dinner, writing, watching films, bed–and repeat).
    I keep going back and forth: one day, I’m fine and I’m just getting on with things, and the next day, I see something or hear something that reminds me of my ex, and I’m right back to where I started.
    I thought I was getting better–why do I keep going back to feeling down? Anyone else experiencing this yo-yoing?

  100. Hi Amanda!

    Same here. I have taken on 12-hour days plus around 2.5 hours per day of a commute, so I know what you mean with the cycle of work to sleep. I figure I have nothing to come home to, anyway, aside from an empty apartment, so I may as well make the money.

    You are definitely not alone, although I definitely see some improvement, even if it is small. If you’re journaling, you should be able to look back to the beginning and see that, while you may be having a down day or a down hour, it isn’t as bad as the initial pain. Normally, you would have been in the beginning stages of getting back together with him, or at least considering rekindling the relationship, but here you are. That alone is an accomplishment.

    It’s a process and you won’t stay down. We all go back and forth through the stages, so you’re definitely normal. I know that my ex and I were not meant to be together, but I still miss the memories and sometimes mourn that there couldn’t have been more of them.

  101. Thanks for the encouragement Josh. Gosh, you must be exhausted–completely understand your reason for taking on the extra hours. Sometimes, I stay behind at work because it’s comforting being there rather than in my flat ruminating.
    I guess if I’m honest with myself I’m feeling disappointed because I was hoping that he might text or ring me and he hasn’t at all. So maybe I’ve been still harbouring hope that we would get back together, waiting for some communication from him. For that reason I think I’ve been stuck.
    I’m going away for the weekend to visit friends and I’m really glad I’m doing this because I need the distraction and interaction.

  102. I am definitely exhausted, but at least I am making the money and today is Friday. Although that opens up different complications since tomorrow will be the weekend. I know exactly what you mean. It’s nice to be around people and feeling like you’re accomplishing something as opposed to alone in an apartment. It’s comforting. Especially in the early days, I would come to work early and try to leave late.

    That feeling is completely normal. Deep down, I hope for my ex to communicate with me, too. At the end of the day, though, we are better off with them not contacting us. It’s better that we don’t have the distraction, as much as it gnaws at us that they don’t reach out.

    That sounds like a great idea. Have a great time!

  103. Hi everybody,

    I have been reading SYBD for almost 3 weeks, but it is the first time I have courage enough to talk about my experience.

    It has been one month and one week since I found my 4 yr girlfriend (ex gf now) cheating on me. I thought she was the girl I would spend the rest of my life.

    That night in a desperate move, i asked her to choose between me and that guy, and she chose to be with him.

    I did the no contact rule, i deleted her form FB, changed my phone number, I even had the chance to move to another apartment.

    I am having the worst time of my life, I have never been in a situation like this and I thought I was little innocent, never thought something like this was going to happen to me. I thought these kind of thing just happen in movies and things like that.

    As many of you, I have upside downs every day, some days I feel Ok, and some days terrible, especially weekends. I dont have many friends because I met her right after I moved to this city so never had the chance to make friends. I wrongly dedicated all 4 years of my life to her.

    After 1 month and one week of no contact at all, yesterday night at 1am she send me a text to my google voice number that i just use to call my family to different country, I didnt know she knows that number since i never used it to call her or text her. I didnt reply the message, just deleted it. The only thing the text said was “hello marcos”.

    After that text I felt all my progress is down, I feel the same as i felt the next day she dumped me. Do you have any advise guys? I know i should just ignore and continue getting over, but why did she text?

    Thanks guys hope to read from you soon

  104. I know how you feel about being scared to post. I read through the site for a few weeks myself before posting. I would go to work each day and read as much as I could. It really helped. And now I have a breakup diary. Go figure.

    I feel for you. Four years, but they weren’t wasted. I am sure you learned a lot along the way and had a ton of good times. It feels like they have been “thrown away” now because you may or may not have kept up with all of your friendships, and you invested all of your time into her. I know the feeling.

    As far as making mistakes in the early days of a breakup goes, I can’t see any that you made. You played it perfectly. You immediately went No Contact in every way possible, deleted her from Facebook, and even changed your number. Don’t beat yourself up over forcing her to make a choice. Was it the best way to go about it? No, but as far as mistakes go, that is a very small one in the grand scheme of things. And you got your answer, which is invaluable.

    As far as the movies go, the breakups are real, it’s the magical scenes of getting back together that aren’t real. Many of us secretly yearn for that Hollywood reunion where our exes show up at our doorstep, having waited for us all day, saying they want to get back together. Or even just a call or text from an ex expressing something positive. I never thought my fiancee would leave me, either, but sadly, it happened. There are definitely good and bad days. As Thea says, the healing process is not linear. It isn’t a straight line of constantly improving.

    That is hard to get a text from your ex. We are at almost exactly the same point in the No Contact timeline. I am at 44 days. Were my ex to contact me, I would be spinning out of control for a little bit. Even when my ex is mentioned or I hear someone was on her Facebook, it gets me down. It’s completely normal for you to feel that way.

    Why did she text you? There are tons of possible reasons. Maybe she is reverting and her current relationship isn’t going so well. Maybe she just wanted to reach out. Perhaps she has been thinking about you and thought you would reach out to her, but you haven’t. You definitely did the right thing by deleting it. Again, you have done everything right so far, and it’s only a matter of time before all of these small victories add up and you start seeing the net positive effects. If you keep going, you’ll be able to move on from that text.

    As far as this weekend goes, I would try and get out if at all possible. You’ll feel horrible when you do it, but getting out into the world and doing something will help. Best of luck to you.

  105. Hi guys,

    I’m back from my weekend away, and I’m so glad I went because I can honestly say I’m feeling totally different about things after having a weekend of heart-to-hearts with my friends. I have absolutely no desire to contact my ex now or to hear from him. My friends told me some harsh truths I needed to hear this weekend.

    Marcos–I can imagine that your heart was beating like a drum when you saw that text. From my understanding (from all the blogs/forums I’ve been reading about breakups!), if your ex just texts to say ‘hi’ and doesn’t bother saying anything else, it’s a way for them to work if you’re still hooked in: if you reply, then they know you’re still into them and thus it just serves to feed their ego. So it’s crumbs basically. Well done to you for deleting the message and not replying, good move.

  106. Hey Amanda,

    Glad to hear the weekend went well. I had a sneaking suspicion that you would be really happy you went. If you don’t mind sharing, what harsh truths were shared? Glad to hear you’re making a clean break, even though I couldn’t blame you if you secretly hoped he would contact you, even if it was just a little bit.

    Marcos really is a breakup warrior. He completely cuts his ex off almost immediately and ignores a text from her and deletes it? If only I was that great in the first month or so of my breakup.

  107. Hey Josh,
    I don’t mind sharing at all! My friends told me that I was in the relationship on my own: they reminded me that I was always the one making all the effort and giving so much and getting nothing in return. I was also the one to make contact the times we broke up, and he hasn’t made any attempts to reach me, yet again. They said that, when a guy cares for you, you know. He doesn’t disappear from your life. They said to look at what his actions say, both during the relationship and after the breakup. He hurt me badly with what he did, and then he broke it off and has just let me go. They said that I now need to let go myself because I’m holding on to something that no longer exists. I was continuing to idealise the relationship and refusing to see the reality, even though it was staring me in the face.
    I’m so impressed with Marcos’s steely resolve–I need to take a page out of his book!

  108. It’s nice to have great friends like that. From your story, it sounded like that was definitely the case to me as well. They’re absolutely right. If a guy wants to be with you, he will do everything under the sun to make it happen. No mountain is too large. It’s much easier said than done to do what your friends suggest. Hope all is well outside of the good weekend with your friends.

  109. Yeah, if I look back at guys who have cared for me in the past, there was never any doubt in my mind about how they felt for me. I’m quite proud that I’ve gone so long now with no contact with my ex. It’s been tough, but I’ve done it. It feels like an accomplishment. I’ve had wobbly moments when I started drafting a text but then held back, and I’m really glad I had that restraint. Something has definitely shifted since I went to visit my friends. I’m not thinking about him night and day like I was before. He drifts into my thoughts and then right back out again, and now there are no tears. Before I was replaying memories and crying my heart out.
    How you feeling about things Josh?

  110. I’m glad to hear everything is going so well. Everything seemed to “click” for you, from the sounds of it. You definitely deserve congratulations. Feel free to celebrate the milestones. 30 days of No Contact, 60 days, etc.

    I don’t want to spoil it, but I have some pretty big decisions looming about my future and honestly, I don’t know what the right answers are or if I’m doing the right thing. It would be nice not to make another colossal mistake like driving cross-country to move in with my fiancee only to have our relationship continue for not even two months. We shall see. Sounds like even though I’ve been broken up with my ex for a while longer, almost three months, you are making greater strides than me, which is great. I definitely do not miss the early days, though.

  111. Well, I still haven’t gone 30 days of No Contact yet, nearly there. I think it was the 7th September last time I texted him. I’m hoping that this feeling of detachment from him isn’t a temporary glitch. Like Thea’s 12 stages of a breakup says, you can go back and forward through stages. I’m not sure what stage I’m in right now. I’ve only just recently stopped crying over him, feeling kind of numb right now, like I’ve worn myself out with all the crying and I don’t have any tears left.
    When you say you have big decisions looming about your future, what do you mean Josh? From my understanding of what you wrote, it sounds like maybe you’ve met someone else? Or have I completely misread that? If I have, sorry!

  112. In that case, you’re only a few days away. I’m not sure about you, but for me, the No Contact part of it has gotten a lot easier, it’s just the not looking at her Facebook and Twitter which is difficult, although I haven’t done that, either. I absolutely concur about going back and forth through the stages. I don’t even know which one I’m on right now.

    I had the same thing happen! Good for you moving past the crying all the time phase. Now I just cry when I sit down and immerse myself in it and think deeply about it.

    I have rebuffed any and all advances. Maybe it’s that old adage about everyone wanting you when you’re in a relationship, but in this case, it’s women wanting dates and attention when I am not even close to healthy enough to date again.

    The big decision is whether I should move away from here or stay, and if I move, where I should move. The only reason I moved here was because of my ex, and now she’s gone, so there’s seemingly no reason to stay. I have no family here and only the people I know from work.

  113. Oh, I see. God I’m sorry Josh–must feel so isolating, because she was the reason you were there and you left everything behind for her. How long ago did you move to the new town/city? Are you thinking of moving closer to family?

    I think I was stuck in the ‘WHY?!’ phase (can’t remember what number that is), thinking there was something wrong with me, and that I was never going to find anyone ever again. If I’m honest, that fear does linger in my mind. I know it’s ridiculous to think that way, but it’s so hard when I look around and hear of people getting married and getting pregnant, having family around them. I feel like my life isn’t progressing. What’s so bizarre is that I didn’t even think I wanted those things, but it turns out I do. The thing is though, lately I’ve been feeling like I just need to be alone right now, and living a sort of ‘mundane’ life for a while so it gives me time to heal. There’s something to be said for that, just living day-to-day life and letting yourself heal. It seems all I want to do is go to work, come home, cook, watch my DVDs and sleep. I don’t if it’s right, feeling this way, but it’s all I’m in the mood for right now.

  114. I like that idea and I am abiding by it myself. After all of the emotions of the ending of the relationship, it seems like a great idea to take a step back and not have to worry about anyone but yourself. I feel your pain. When I hear about people who are newly engaged or about to get engaged, it hurts. That was me, you know? And now I’m so far away from that. I am right there with you. When it was seemingly right there for the taking, it didn’t seem like the biggest deal, but now that it’s gone, well… I miss the hugs, the kisses, the cuddling, etc. The list is pretty long.

    Thanks. I moved back in May, so about four and a half months ago. I am actually not because my family and I aren’t close. Yeah, so I don’t really have anyone or anything anywhere, aside from the people I work with.

  115. Yes, I miss the kisses and cuddling too. It’s Friday night, and I’m climbing into bed to watch a DVD, on my own. I miss laying with my head on his chest, watching a film, ordering food and eating in bed. I sleep furthest away from the door now with him gone because I feel safer that way (sounds silly, I know). I had a dream about him last night, and I woke up feeling bereft, tears streaming down my face. That dream has stayed with me all day. I really miss him tonight. I just keep thinking ‘Does he miss me at all??’ And I know that this is not healthy, wondering what your ex is thinking, but the thought that I’m over here hurting so much and he’s probably fine and has moved on really hurts.
    I understand completely about feeling isolated. I don’t have family around. I only have a few friends, and I don’t see them often at all. They live in another city and I only see them once every 5 months or so. I only interact at work really, and very rarely I go out with this friend at work. I think that can make the breakup even harder for us Josh, because we don’t have a network of support.

  116. I know what you mean, lots of lonely nights for me, too. You are not silly at all! My ex always slept farthest from the door and I was closest to the door just in case. It made her feel safer. We must be connected via breakup emotions, because I was feeling the exact same way last night, crying and all. Journaling last night was a tear-filled affair. It just happens that some days are a lot sadder than others. I, too, suspect my ex is a lot happier without me and wonder if she thinks about me. If they missed us so much, wouldn’t they contact us?

    Sounds like we’re at the same point since it feels like we are really on our own when it comes to having someone or a group of people to talk to. The times I’ve talked to my family about it, well, they just want me to move on since, according to them, it should be so simple because of all that she did. Ha! If it was only that easy.

    I completely agree that it makes it harder. I imagine my ex living with her roommates and having the greatest time, while I’m here, alone, in “our” apartment. I wonder what it would be like to have a great group of friends to talk to. In any case, it’s nice logging on here and going back and forth with you. It is much appreciated.

  117. Yeah there have been lots of tears again. I thought I had cried all the tears I had but apparently not. I was crying last night and I woke up this morning, and started crying again–another weekend alone. You’re right, they broke it off and if they missed us, of course they would contact us. That’s what my tears were about this morning–that he hasn’t contacted me and thus he doesn’t miss me. So was I the only one in the relationship having all these feelings, feeling all these connections?

    My friend at work told me yesterday that she sees my ex around all the time. I was asking her how he looked, did he look happy, what was he doing, etc. and I must have looked so desperate, asking her all these questions. When she told me that yesterday, it set me right back again. I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all. OK, I haven’t contacted him, so I guess that’s something, but the emotions are still so raw.

    I definitely hear you about people not wanting to hear about it and wanting you to move on. I can’t talk to anyone about it anymore because my friends get annoyed with me–they’re frustrated with me because I’m still mourning the loss of the relationship and they don’t understand why I’m so still doing that after how he hurt me. They told me I should be angry instead, but I can’t seem to get there. I really appreciate being able to talk to you from the heart.

  118. I feel for you. That happens to me when I really think about what has happened and how she’s gone and never coming back. It’s another weekend alone for me, too. The last weekend I was with someone was our last weekend together, which wasn’t exactly a joyous experience and we broke up the next day. Yeah, it’s sad to think about that, but it’s true. Maybe they do miss us sometimes, I mean, we’re awesome, right? They have to sometimes, but even if they do, it’s obviously not enough to contact us. In the case of my ex, after she destroyed some of my stuff and stole so much, I can’t imagine she would reach out to me. She must have known she was burning her bridge. She probably did it on purpose. That last night, before she moved out, when I said we might never see each other again so we should make the best of this last night, she responded “good, I hope we never see each other again, I’m looking forward to that.” Ouch.

    Oh man, that is the worst! It creates that sinking, twisting feeling in your gut but you can’t stop yourself from asking questions. My family looked at her Facebook and told me what she did with her hair and it hurt a lot, but I couldn’t stop asking questions. The answer to how the ex looks is never going to be “oh, he/she looked miserable, they were clearly pining for you.” You have definitely moved forward, though. You are closer to a healthy relationship now than you’ve been in a long time. In the past, the reconciliation process, started by you, would have been well under way. You’re moving in the right direction. In my mind, it’s a small taste of what breaking No Contact would be like. For that reason, I am terrified of going back to the place where I know my ex works. I figure I can’t get lucky twice and not see her again.

    We are in exactly the same position, although I don’t have the friends to tell me not to talk about her anymore. People just don’t get that it isn’t easy to just let go and move on from a serious relationship. When they were in the throes of post-relationship heartache, they would understand, but not at this moment in time. I know what you mean about the anger. Now, it’s so easy to focus on all of the good things from the relationship and forget about the bad. On some of my bad days, I have to sit down and focus on the bad she did to get over it. In my weakest moments, when I’m hoping to get back together, I have to pull myself back and think “really? You want to get back together with her, even though she did this and that, and this to you? Seriously?” And it works.

    Agreed. It’s nice to talk to someone who understands.

  119. Gosh, that was really awful, what she said on your last night together. I’m so sorry. It must be so hard being in the flat that you were living in together. How long ago did you break up? Sorry if you’ve already answered that in one of your diary posts. I feel like I keep going back and forward and back again. One minute, I really feel like I’m moving on, and then something happens and quite unexpectedly I feel like I did when I was 3 days into the breakup. You can never see it coming either–maybe you hear a song or see something that reminds you of them, and all of a sudden all the feelings flood back over you. I had this happen today. I was in town and I heard a song that sent me in a spin, reminded me of the first time we went out. I started tearing up and had to put my shades on because I felt so overcome with emotion.

    You talked about how hard weekends are in your diary post, and I’m really feeling that. For me the weekends are just the worst time right now. During the week, I have a limited amount of time to think about it–I get home, cook, watch films and go to bed, but during the weekends, that’s when I really feel alone. I get up on Saturdays, and I might go food shopping or go for a wander, but I always end up missing that comfort of being in a partnership, doing things together. I was visiting friends last weekend, but now I won’t see them again for a long while. It was so good to be around other people and have distractions from my thoughts. Everyone keeps telling me to go out and do what I want at the weekends, to not feel embarrassed about being on my own, and whilst I agree with them, I also know that the same people telling me this would never do it themselves!

    It’s been so comforting to me, us sending messages back and forth to each other. Thank you for telling me I’m moving in the right direction. I really needed to hear that. You’re so right when you say that you forget all the bad stuff and focus on the good. I like your suggestion of remembering the bad. I get so swept up in idealising him and forget the stuff he did that was really hurtful.

  120. Thank you. And yeah, it is difficult living here since this was our apartment. I had actually never been to this state before when we came down here to live, so anytime I do anything we did together, it hurts, but it gets easier each time I do whatever that activity is. As you keep going, it gets easier. You’ll hear that same song two, three, four times and you’ll get used to it. It will be three months since we’ve broken up on Tuesday, but it hasn’t even been two months since she moved out. She said so many hurtful things that last night and she finished it off the next day.

    That is so true. It feels like we’re the opposite of everyone else in the world. Everyone else says they’re miserable all week and they live for the weekends. For us, the weekdays are preferable. They go by so much quicker and what is there to look forward to on the weekends? I tell the people I work with that the only companions I have are dust bunnies.

    People raise an eyebrow when I tell them I go out by myself everywhere. If I had to be with someone to partake in an activity, I would never go anywhere! Have you done anything that would be considered a date alone? I have a couple of times, but some activities, sadly, require two people. I am always happy that I went out, though, even if I don’t always feel the best while I’m actually in the moment. I don’t know about you guys in the UK, but here, Saturday night is date night, so all of the couples are out and about. It’s sad that I used to be one of those couples and one of the people who was never available on a Saturday night because I was with my ex.

    I’m glad you feel the same way. Yay! You are very welcome. It’s true. Avoiding getting back into an on-again, off-again relationship is a huge feat. I can only imagine what you’re going through. You had to get past the mental hurdle that this had happened before, and so maybe a reconciliation could be in the works. Instead, you’re not going back to him, which, in your strong moments, you know is definitely the best long-term choice. And you’ve stayed No Contact! That, in itself, is such an accomplishment because of how hard it is to not reach out.

    That’s so important to balance out the good with the bad. Our exes were not these infallible beings who were perfect for us. As Mars and Venus Starting Over says, if they were perfect for us, they would be with us.

  121. I go out during the day at the weekends, but I would feel really awkward going out at night. In the UK, Saturdays you find groups of friends out drinking at night, and I would feel very conspicuous on my own. Also, I don’t like drinking anymore really. It’s not my scene. I know I should get involved, join groups and make friends but I’m not there yet emotionally, don’t feel ready yet.

    Yeah, I guess I was hoping for a reconciliation, but why? I never felt settled in the relationship because I could sense there was something not right, and sure enough, I eventually found the messages he was sending to all the women. So why would I want to get back together after that? It defies reason. I seemed to have a impulse to self-destruct in that relationship, because I got back together with him after that, when many would have shown him the door. You’re right, it was the right choice finally cutting contact and no longer ping-ponging, getting back together then breaking up and repeating the cycle. It was going nowhere good, and of course, every time I did give him another chance, all of the reasons we had broken up for before had remained unresolved and were weighing heavily on me. But I was completely besotted with him. It seemed that no matter what he did, I didn’t want to let him go.

  122. I tend to stick to the days, too, but I have gone out at night. I’ve never been into drinking and I haven’t touched anything with alcohol since the break up. I’ve always been really bad about parties and groups of people and such. Meetup.com terrified me.

    It makes logical sense, but actually leaving is harder than it looks. I probably should have seen the signs, too, but when you’re in the moment, everything seems like it will get better and that it isn’t as serious as it truly is. In my case, too, there were some signs that this was not going to lead to a long and happy marriage.

    After foolishly reading more than one “get your ex back” book and/or article, virtually all of them say there basically has to be a new relationship when you get back with your ex for it to work, and things cannot stay the same. It’s a lot like starting from scratch. As an aside, I think those Get Back Your Ex books are dangerous. Every time I read one, I felt empowered for about 20 minutes, and then the reality hit me that this was just giving me false hope. I haven’t read one in a while as a result. I chronicle it in day three of my diary, I believe, and that was the last one I touched.

    In both of our cases, and I am slightly altering a phrase I read, I don’t think we’ll be on our death beds wishing we would have spent longer in these relationships. Sure, we think that now, but years and years from now, we’ll almost positively be thankful they ended.

  123. Sorry I forgot to swap your emails so you can respond privately. Just getting caught up in life. Whose emails was I swapping? Josh & Amanda? Breakup buddies? 🙂

  124. Hi Josh and Amanda,

    Thanks for all your beautiful and supportive words, really it is like an oasis in the desert reading you guys. I feel very identified with every single word you said and with your feelings.
    I hate weekends too, I start to get anxious about the weekends since Thursdays, just because I imagine myself alone again, not having any plan or place to go, when some months ago weekends was the most exciting thing in the world, just because of the fact I was going to be with my ex, no matter doing nothing, bust just because of being with her.
    I am very tired of this, tired of crying every morning while driving to work and coming back home, tired of thinking about her, and I think my family is also tired of hearing me talking about the same thing every day, I started to tell them I am feeling better when in reality I feel not too much improvement, I dont know in which stage of getting over I am right now.
    I feel for you guys, and I know that no matter what I say or someone else says, nothing really makes you feel better. But I just know that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and one day we will reach it and start living again.

    I send you many hugs guys, and thanks for your support.

  125. Hey Marcos. Thanks for dropping back in to update us. I still think you’re a breakup warrior for completely cutting off contact. Can you imagine if you would still be in contact with your ex? My heart hurts just thinking about contacting mine, much less actually doing it.

    The weekends are not fun and you practically took the words right out of my mouth about previously doing fun things with your ex and always looking forward to them while now you dread them. I highly, highly recommend getting out there and doing something, anything, during the weekends. Sitting home is the worst thing you can do. It will feel horrible going out, but it will help. I know it’s no consolation now, but in all likelihood, a year or more down the road, you won’t be torn up about this. Best of luck.

  126. Hi Josh and Amanda,

    Yes I am back, last week was very busy at work, which was good because I had less time to immerse in my mind full of memories and attachment. Today I feel specially terrible, because I am not that break up warrior that you and Amanda called me:(, I sent her a text message today, that makes me feel very bad for many reasons.
    One because it was very hard for 1.5 months not to contact her, and now for a moment of weakness I broke the no contact rule. When I graduated some months ago (before breaking up) I asked my school to send my diploma to her home. When we broke up, I asked her to call my friend when my diploma arrives so he can pick it up. Well, yesterday it arrived and she called my friend to let him know. Today I was at DMV to renew my license and that just triggered a memory in my mind, she was with me the first time I got my drivers license. So my mind set me up and made me believe it was a good idea to text her to say thank you for taking care of my diploma, and not just that, I asked her to ship it to my house and I gave her my new address. Now I will be waiting for that make up movie moment that Josh mentioned once, where she waits for me out of my house the whole day to be back with me, even when I know that is not gonna happen.

    Another reason is that I asked her how she was and never got a reply back. Now I see why the no contact rule is very important, cos when you have contact, you realized many things and get more hurt. For example the fact that she didnt reply makes me believe that I am not important to her anymore at all, if she misses me a even little bit she will at least reply my message. Now I need to change my phone number again, to avoid being waiting for a message again.
    Anyway guys, I just wanted to share with you this.

    Unfortunately weekend is coming,I will take your advice Josh and go out, just take my car and drive somewhere maybe, or keep me busy doing things that I couldn’t do in the week.
    Its been almost 2 months since my break up, and it makes me desperate to see how slow is the recovery. Maybe you are right Josh, and only after a year I wont be torn up about all this.
    It is sad to think that a year or some months of your life need to be wasted feeling like this, where you cant enjoy anything, everything is forced, life is miserable and everything because of one person.

    Keep strong and moving on guys, thanks for sharing your experiences and for all the advice.

  127. Hey Marcos,

    It’s okay that you contacted her, no need to beat yourself up. You were making us all look bad for dropping your ex cold turkey and not contacting her at all. We’ve all made that mistake. No Contact is more about not exposing yourself to any more pain, as you’ve seen. You did it once, though, so you know you can do it again.

    It’s unfortunate that she didn’t contact you back, but be thankful. In the long run, her ignoring the text is better than getting into an emotional back and forth where you have to recover from it. Again, be thankful, although now I’m sure it hurts because she didn’t reply.

    Definitely get out and do something. I am, and I force myself to almost every weekend because I know it helps, even if it feels bad at the time. Don’t feel bad! It’s been almost two months since my ex-fiancée moved out and we haven’t spoken since, and I’m still hurting, too. Just keep on chugging. You’ve got this.

  128. She left me because she thought i slept with my roommate and i didn’t but the roommate wanted to be together so won’t back down and tells her we did. So they hang out and i didn’t do a thing wrong. Help.

  129. Hi Timothy,

    If she is taking your roommate’s word over yours, then that tells you everything you need to know about your relationship. Something else is going on here and there definitely is more to this story. If your relationship was so fragile that one person saying you did something you didn’t do can break it, then it was not going to last. I feel for you, because it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong, and it doesn’t feel like it now, but both women did you a favor. Best of luck.

  130. Thank you for posting this. I am just fresh off a particularly painful breakup, and I feel like this post really captured the stages of grief one goes through.

    I am hopeful that I may too come out better at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel.

  131. Thea,

    Just. Thank you.

    You may not be able to read and reply to this, but I’m sharing it with everyone anyway.

    The EXACT SAME thing happened to me: I got dumped over an *international phone call*.

    I’ve been doing a decent job trying to be logical, seeing the bright (less dark, really) side, and I have talked to lots of friends. I haven’t cried (I’m a guy. Whats crying?)

    I don’t need words to explain how this feels.. Everybody here knows. No need to dramatize things.

    But getting dumped over a brief, distorted phone call out of the blue! One minute things are all fine and she’s calling me to chat, and the next BAM! It’s all over. Done. Gone. Forever.

    I’d appreciate it if you the author, or anyone else here going through this, gets in touch. I want help and I wanna help others.

    Best,

    Hansen

  132. You have a great site for the first time in a month it made me smile. I have been split with my ex for just a month now he kept letting me down with drinking too much and disappearing to a house with the most awful people who just drank and did drugs, I let him off a few times but I finally said enough was enough , even though my decision I’m devastated and think of the good times we had rather than the bad, deep down I know he won’t change but I’ve heard nothing from him , I’m imagining him with other girls it’s driving me crazy to the point of depression , my work is suffering etc , he did try for a couple of weeks to get me back but then it stopped and I knew he was lying about his whereabouts again etc.. I feel so stupid

  133. Just replace “stupid” with human ok? You’re only human and you got it when you were supposed to. By got it I mean realised it was time to go! Hugs x

  134. I am passing on your details to people. One “break up buddy” came forward but is only on FB if that suits? All the best x

  135. Need to reach out to other people who’ve gone though this SH–! This is my 3rd time being left in serious relationships, one was my x husband of 14 yrs. I really think the commulative damage of rejection has got me very depressed & stillcry everyday!

  136. You all hang in there. It gets better, just not overnight. Don’t be too hard for yourself, you are your own best friend.
    I myself am doing better, but I’m still not where I want to be. But I’ll get there, one day at a time.
    Today is going to be tough, I’m seeing my ex at the notary for the divorce paperwork…

  137. Thea,

    Did you mean you passed on my details? If so, fb is fine. Just have them email me and we can exchange fb details. For privacy reasons of course

    Thanks
    Hansen

  138. Last week I came home to a note from my BF of 5 years saying “so sorry it’s over. It’s not a good relationship for either of us. Please please please don’t try to contact me. I wish you all the happiness in the world.” We had been having problems but he told me he wanted to go to counseling and for me to make the appointment. This was a couple of weeks before he left. We broke up after a year but got back together for almost 5. I have never reached out to support groups for anything before but I am really having a hard time. It hasn’t been a week. What

  139. Is really hard us the fact that he left his cell phone that was under my name and he won’t answer my calls at his work. I have stopped trying to contact him but it is killing me knowing that he is just out there and just dis guarded me like trash. Thea your story about your feelings and not eating and wanting bad things to happen to him and everything else you felt Is exactly how I feel!

  140. Jennifer,

    I am so incredibly sorry to hear your story, and I have been going through some up and downs myself… Let me know if you want to get in touch via fb or something and we can talk. I’d be glad to share and hopefully help.

    Hansen

  141. Hello to everyone who has posted on this site. Most of what you have all said I can certainly relate to, and its been comforting and yet upsetting at the same time, to read that so many people have gone throuh heart break.

    My girlfriend broke up with me two weeks before Christmas, and I have been an absolute mess since. The break up came about after a lovely day out shopping. Amongst many things, I had been shopping for a new jacket, but did not see anything. I was originally going back to my girlfriends house after our days shopping, but towards the end of the day my girlfriend suggested that I should not come back to hers that night, and I get up early the next day to get the jacket that I had been after. And I am not proud to say this, but I raised my voice and said, “WHATS UP, DON’T YOU WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME ANYMORE – FORGET IT – WE MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME NOW!” I am not even sure where this outburst came from. I guess I was disappointed that I would not be spending any more time with her that day, despite it being her suggestion. It actually hurt me, here was a lady that loved and cared for me, but for some reason changed her mind about me going back. I just did not understand it.

    Three days later, the three month relationship was over. Over, because of one poor showing of human emotion. It all seemed extremely harsh to me. There was no second chance, no benefit of the doubt, no chance to redeem myself. The end ! What a waste, the relationship had so much promise to. I had never conected with someone like this before, and we got on so well, evenjoying that we did together.

    And yeah after the break up, I did the usual begging, pleading and crying, texting, and emailing ,but all to avail. We spoke on the phone two weeks ago, and she suggested we both move on. There were lots of questions that I would have liked to have asked her, but instead it felt like I went out with little more than a whimper.

    It’s been two weeks since that phone call, and I am still a mess. I feel so alone and empty now. I no longer look forward to my weekends. Over the last six weeks, I have exhausted my friends support, and they no longer understand why I still feel like I do.

    I have been having counselling since the start of the year, but I feel that it’s going to take a long time to recover and get over this. She was the one for me, and I don’t think that I will feel the same about anyone else again.

    I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but thanks for reading anyway. Josh and Amanda, how are you both doing?

  142. Hello sorry to hear the story hon. I know it feels awful now and it will for a while.

    >> She was the one for me, and I don’t think that I will feel the same about anyone else again.

    You think she was “the one” but thinking that and it being true are two different things…(I mean you may feel different in times…right now you’re 100% convinced because you’re emotionally attached). Very few people on this planet meet the one and know in 3 months…

    >> I have been having counselling since the start of the year, but I feel that it’s going to take a long time

    It is wonderful you’re seeking some counselling. You will hopefully get some ‘coping mechanisms’….for when you feel overly emotional.

    It may not take a long time. When you say things like that you make an “affirmation” and make it a reality. It really might not take that long as you start to correct some faulty thinking.

    You work on feeling good in your own skin. Feel confident in who you are and how you look. Forget about all else ok? Women don’t want to be with guys who beg, cry, plead, constantly text or call.

    No matter how wonderful a person is you don’t need to cry/beg/or plead for anyone to be with you. The right one will see it, know it and feel it.

    And maybe this girl will see it in time as you start to feel more “at home” with you. Maybe not. It might be someone else completely different – I do not know. But I do know you’re going to be ok. You’re OK now even though it doesn’t feel like it. You’ve said nothing I’ve not heard before 1,000,000,000 times on SYBD (over 15 years) and not one has not gotten over it in time.

    You’re not alone. You’re not empty. That’s just thoughts again. Go for a run, walk or drive. Put on some good tunes that make you feel happy. Think about all the reasons you’re the type of guy any woman would want to be with. What’s good about you? Would you want to be with you if you were someone else? If yes, then great. If not, what do you feel like you need to change to be that type of guy?

    This is all an inside job and has NOTHING to do with your ex. OK? Your relationship with yourself is going to be the most important one you’ll ever have. You’re the one who has to live with you 24/7. You need to like you before anyone else will. So start there and trust that it will all work out, you will be happy again, you will be in love…You’re worth of it. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.

    I shared this last night on Google+ and it’s so true…That’s all this is…You have a great big future ahead of you, highs and lows to come. If you can get some good coping mechanisms now they will help you for the rest of your life.

    For me I try to say “Ok this is a bit shit, but what’s the good? What can I take away from this situation that will help going forward in life and in other relationships”. I find the silver linings.

    I can find the good in absolutely everything…I look for it automatically now.

    It’s hard for you to see it because you’re emotionally attached to the situation but this experience may turn out to be the absolute MAKING of you….if you let it. I suggest you let it. Let it catapult you to some great things.

    Sit down and set some goals for yourself – health, work, knowledge, friendships, home/house – etc…And concentrate on things you can control. Your own life. Your own path. You had no control over her choosing to leave – but you have every control in what you choose to do with the experience! Find a way to make it pay!

    Hugs

  143. Thea – thank you for such a quick and thoughtful reply. And may I thank you for putting this website together.

    As I have previously said it is comforting to read that I am not alone, but at the same time, upsetting to read other peoples heart breaks.

    Of course everything you say is correct, and you are right, it is the emotional attachment of the situation that I am with right now. I do hope that this experience does turn out to be the making of me.

    Despite previous relationship break-up’s, I never felt like I currently do. I guess I was not as emotionally attached as I was with my now, ex-girlfriend; which is why I thought that she was the one for me. Silly I know, after only 3 months.

    The hardest part for me is going to be the moving on part – but with your advice, I will hopefully do just that.

    Thank you.

    Nigel

  144. Hey guys

    I’ve been reading all these comments and reading all about this website and it has definitely helped me a lot

    I would like to post my story here and hear some comments about it. I think it would really help me to hear something from other people instead of my own family and friends. Does anyone still read these posts here.

    Andre

  145. Sorry Andre – I’ve not checked the past day or two but I generally do every few days. The site gets 40,000 visitors a month so someone is reading it! Whether or not anyone will reply may remain to be seen but I will do my best ok? xx

  146. Hi Andre and everyone else on this site!

    Yes, people are reading this site inside out. I have been for a week now and it is helping me a lot. Please do share your story and I will my in hope to get some feedback on what to do and how to sort my emotions.

    I had an intense emotional relationship this past summer with a distant cousin of my (i know this may sound weird but he is distant enough to be able to legally marry) – by the way in some cultures this is a very common custom! I did some research afterwords…

    In any case, after a very very long separation and not seeing each other since we were kids we reunited this past summer and madly fall in love!!! So amazing and so intense, so special, so strong, so deep, so everything just superb! However, we both are in our own separate relationships and each having one child. We had some amazing time together, short but very strong. We talked about the future and even marriage was mentioned several times, mostly from his side. The summer ends, I go back to my reality, he goes back to his reality and SILENCE!

    Complete silence from his side. We are talking “No Contact” mode, ignorance to all my communication!!! At first I feel confused, shocked, worried that he might be in jail, that something happened to him; I find out he is ok just overwhelmed with his life…”his head is full at the moment…” this were the words he gave to his mom. It has been almost two months since our last conversation where he was saying that he doesn’t care about anything anymore, he wants to relocate to my residing country just to be with me…after that last conversation, complete silence and ignorance. I did try to contact him several times but no response.

    He is still in my FB contacts, Skype, VIber and etc. So is his partner, and everything is back to “normal” except that nothing is normal and I have no communication with the one I wanted to leave my life behind. Now, my confusion and hurt comes from two directions: from a woman – man relationship, and also family member to family member direction. Is this how we treat the one we love, by just shutting down with no single word to say or to explain?? No decency and respect to end it with words… we are cousins after all and we had relationship a long before this whole thing happened and is this how we go about it?? I am feeling hurt, disrespected, angry, confused…all kind of emotions.

    How do I sort this out and what do I do, which way do I go?? I did stop all form of communication from my side too for over a month and a half I haven’t send him any text/message or else. I also went on Facebook cleansing and I have been off FB for over 10 days now, not seeing his photos or anything like that. I decided to go FB cleansing due to a very nice/happy family photo he posted…when I saw that I felt crushed and decided to no see his face/photos anymore to see if I can heal faster/better. Since then, I am doing a bit better but still can’t get him out of my head; it feels like he is camping there…The confusion is the worst I guess. Not knowing what happened and what caused these rude actions from his side. Guys, please advise, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

    Anna

  147. Hey, I’m going through a recovery after a bad breakup. Long story short- He left me for a girl he worked with. I knew her. I found out about the real reason for breakup a month later. That was the most painful thing in my life. I was in such an extreme despair I had never experienced before. We spend together amost 5 years, living together for 2 years. I believed out relationship was special and perfect. We were partners, friends, shared interests together, created great team together. And dissapointment was HUGE! It took me long time after I saw their pic on fb to get better. Since then I’ve been expecting another kick in the face. And the worst thing to me would be to see them together in reality. This fear makes me see them everywhere I go and experience those bad emotions over and over again. And now the opportunity occures: We are going to be at the same event in 2 weeks. I don’t know what to do. I really want to be there. But I;m afraid that seeing them together will bring me to the feeling I had after I had seen their pic a month ago and it will be devastating. Should I give up? Or risk?

  148. Dominika,
    I wouldn’t go. After my recent breakup by someone I loved and trusted with my life!!; I ended up seeing a social worker as I couldn’t handle the pain… The first advice I got from him is that I have to cut all links to this individual and prevent any contact until I feel better or fit enough to face/talk/interact with him. It took me a while to take his advice but after a month of no contact/photos anything…I started to feel better and am on the road to recovery. Please, do yourself a favour and do not even think of going near him. Block him from FB and all other media and start going toward the healing path. You need to get better and you will with the time. Read the articles here, there are great and helped me a lot during my painful hours/days/weeks/months…take care and I hope you feel better soon. xo!

  149. Im so hurt and confused but may i add, also on the mend! I met this guy a year ago on a dating website. He seemed amazing and perfect but a few weeks later he told me had been in prison for 12 years for attempted murder.. he swore it wasnt him and that he took the blame for someone else. He seemed so genuine and i chose to believe him and his stories on how he isnt that person anymore and i believed his intentions that he wanted to be a better person and create a life for himself. He seemed to be a hard worker and full of ambitions so i very quickly fell inlove with him. I am a single mum of two who works full time and having a social/love life is extremly hard without having to get my kids involved. It wasnt long before he moved in with me and my world and life was eventually complete. My kids loved and him and vise versa (so i believed). I absolutly adored him and would have done anything in a heartbeat for him. He fed me all the promises and filled my head with fake future, wedding holiday etc stories and i sucked it in like a big sponge!!!! *I should say before i go any further that i smoke canabis on a daily basis and have done for many years (i am not looking for a lecture on this as i am currently seeking treatment!!!). If i ever got the chance of a good night out i would take the odd line of cocaine and sometimes speed this is as far as i went with the party drugs and im honestly talking about 3times a year here. Ive never been a drinker, i grew up with alocoholics in my family and i just dont like to pay a load of money to get myself into a paralytic state, treating precious people like dirt and feeling ill for days after – never really seen the point tbh.* Anyway. After a few months of dating this “man”(34 year old boy) he started to slip, he also smoked canabis and to my knowlege took the odd line of cocaine if he was ever out with friends so i didnt dare complain. But his nights out wer becoming more regular. Went from hardly ever to thurs-sun every single weekend (became part of the calling in sick on a monday club)! I then found out he had been ecstasy too- which i hated so much but i couldnt stop him or id be a hypocrit because of my occasional dabble with cocaine (ive never been a pill taker). He was taking valium for his come downs too and they became more regular aswell..One i was on nightshift and i got a call from his mother (the enabler) at 2am telling me that my bf had been rushed to hospital and on life support. He had taken a bad ecstacy and a load of valium plus a bottle of vodka ended up in intensive care. I cried so much beside him prayin he would wake up, thankfully he did and he was terrified and swore NEVER again!! But that was of course lies. He left me a week later and went on an insane drink and drug bender for 3 weeks then spent a week recovering, he lost his job, his wallet, his fone, his home and me. And he grieved with a massive party blow out..he did come back with his tail between his legs and begged for forgivness.. i loved him so much and i was so happy that he returned that ther was no hesitation in me.. I took him back in a second, it lasted a fortnight before he was off to his mates again with all his stuff! More pictures on fb of him having the best time ever without me altho i was still recieving texts and he wanted to come back, i was so destroyed by this point i took him back again.. i missed him so much, where was the amazing guy i first met??? Our relationship started to heal and i thot he seen the error, it was great for a few months but He started to become withdrawn from our relationship again. I started feeling lonly and used. Used for a bed to sleep in during the week, as a taxi, a laundry/restraunt and of course a hole wenever he needed sex.. anytime i tried to express my feelings of blatant neglect he would just make feel sadder, like i was over reacting. He was definitely changing. He wouldn’t address any of our issues or responsibilitys he would just bugger off out.. But i was starting to question my gut. Was i being a paraniod insane girlfriend? He called me pathetic and psychotic (wen he was out with his friends i barely even text him nevermind call, because i wouod be scared to find out wat he was actually up to) i let alot of lonly weekends pass, wakening up wighout him but reading his “miss you” messages.. but he wouldnt come home until someties 7 in the morning (i would then find out via fb later that he was infact sittin with his pals and other girls too.. and this is seriously all the time every weekend, while i was in bed hoping he would be home soon for a cuddle) he was using valium to get a sleep after hed been sniffin cocaine all night.. our saturday trips with the kids stopped completely coz he was comatosed until tea time/partytime round2.. he seemed like he couldnt be bothered with them anymore.. he started using valium more and more too.. becoming even more withdrawn, sleeping at tea time everynight as soon as he was home from work (he got another job).. i started to become really sad and depressed and he started being slightly nasty towards me until the point i didnt know this guy anymore he left me again because i was “too deep and emotional” and moved back in with his mum this time. It was sooo hard to believe we wer over! I was absolutly devasted and then of course my period never came.. *see wen he was sober and from the days tuesday to Friday he was back to my guy again n i was still blindly believing his promises that i was his only woman forever that we wer trying to have a baby* we both believed this is what he needed.. so it came, after we split.. i was a shell by this point. I told him about the pregnancy and he was absolutly over the moon.. he was crying saying he thot he lost me forever blah blah blah and this time we r going to make it work!!! I could see in his eyes and face he was totally full of valium, i then found out that while he was away this time, he was actually selling valium and was really addicted to them.. he was a completely different person on these drugs, like jekyl and hyde.. i begged him to stop taking and selling them but he totally flipped and wanted to go home he came back but not in the same way.. in the next few days i Unfortunately miscarried, he left me again. Devastated. I got a sickline from work.. he didnt even attent the hospital with me. This was all in november.. i took him back again once more because i needed him now more than ever. He broke down to his parent and confessed his valium abuse and we all swore to help him and be ther.. 2 weeks before christmas we wer having a quiet drink in the house but he wanted more, he haddd to find a party so he did and we went. I walked jnto a house full of young boys, snortin coke n eccy, drinks flowing everywer. He sniffed mdma and took 2x ecstacy tablets that night behind my back, he then chose to ridicule me in front of all these guys. I was gutted n wanted to leave so we did.. it was wen we got home i seen in his eyes and his jaw that he was infact full of the drug that nearly killed him.. i flipped out. Stuff got chucked about my house, we pushed each other about, he threatned me, i stupidly called the police (hes still out on licence) i hung up straight away but they still came.. i took responsibility fir everythinggg and begged them to let him go so they wer letting him go until they found canabis and valium on him. They still let him go anyway. I havent seen him since. And have hardly herd from him, This was now nearly 4 weeks ago but he made sure that i knew, he had the best christmas n new year ever, also that hes struggeling to get a job so he demanded i get his 200 back into his bank asap! (He loaned me this for presents) and how happy and amazing his life is now that hes moved on!!! He said I better move on too because he will never take me back and he loves his new missus mire than he ever loved me!!! And also im a grasssss!! I gave him his money and havent herd from him since.
    Ive got so many unanswered questions that i know i have to bury, as i said at the start.. im on the mend!! But i just dont get it?? Is he a narcissist? Is he still taking valium? Is he infact happier with her? Did he get a job? Did i drag him down? He said he will never forgive me for foning the police but he was scaring me. Will he blame me forever?
    I dont ever contact him coz i cant take the hurt.
    His previous relationship ended a little like this i think.. i dont know anything about it, only that he met me 2 weeks after he split with her.
    His new relationship- ive herd his gf is also a drug yser who has had her 2 kids taken away at the age of 27, she also has previous for robbery and according to fb he spent the whole of Christmas new year absolutely smashed out his face! Ive deactivated mine n keeping it that way!!
    I guess i just wat ANYONES opinion on how i can pick my life up and get on with things.. im severly depressed at the moment. And i have gut wrenching feeling that this is not the end.. or maybe it is the end.. I WANT IT TO BE THE END.. i could never forgive his last stunt.
    Will he continue using valium?
    will she gain the happiness that he promised me?
    Did he get a lucky escape from me like he said?
    Is this my fault? Why do i feel so guilty??
    SOMEONE HELPP XXX

  150. Can i also say that after reading ur story, i feel amazed!
    Im actually alot further on in my break up than i thought 🙂
    I found myself laughing at your “naive” and “insecure” comments. I miss laughing 🙂
    Yesterday was the first day i managed to pull myself from my bed, it is my now third day of not crying, so far lol
    Im looking forward to MY future.. and i deep down wish them the best of luck! On the surface of course, im still praying the absolute worst!! I wont even share my sick twisted wishes with u – in fear that u may judge my head instead of his lol
    I suffer depressoion also as ive stated above but im on the mend and back on my meds and im feeling a bit stronger
    Thank you!
    Xxx
    Im still in need of support and advice as i find this is helping alot, its showing me that maybe it wasnt me after all?

  151. I need some help. I suffer some mental issues right now. I hope you wont judge me but I do and I am really tired as it is. I had a lot happen and i never even dated this guy. He wants me to see our online part as a breakup only i only ever spoke to his trolls. he hired trolls against me and then decided to cancel the online babysitting by providing me with an analysis of what they think is wrong with me as well as support so i can move on from him, online and into my future. I tired to date but they sabotaged it by being the guys online and he hired a few guys to be the guys dating me. he said i was still hung up on him and needed to move on from him. I was confused, if he didn’t want me then why not just leave me be. I need a dr for my sickness and I am awaiting this. i’ll start there. doesn’t this say wtf, if he doesn’t want me then leave me be…

  152. It’s been 4 months since I broke up with my ex. Or rather, he broke up with me. He left me saying he couldn’t make me happy, that he didn’t want what i want future wise ( a family and marriage) and that he didn’t like that I didn’t love him unconditionally ( which I did… I loved him more than anything in this world). I felt guilty for a couple months after we broke up, like it was my fault and I was a terrible person during our relationship ( I was very driven and wanted him to want financial stability for our future too… I really supported his education and I think he lacked motivation in that area). By me not accepting laziness and the fact that he had a weird friendship with another woman that made me uncomfortable, meant that I had conditions for my love ( according to him). I’ve now since realized he pretty much left me for the other woman ( to this day he would argue he didn’t leave me for her… Despite the fact that she moved in with him and his family, and that I see them everywhere together). It’s so cruel. I feel like hell everytime I think of them together. I miss him so deeply and am so sad and angry that he replaced me so quickly with her. I live in a small town, so I see him all the time. We dated for 3 years and I was so in love. How does one cope with being alone ( I know I can’t date right now) and having to watch him love someone else ( specially the home wrecker that purposely manipulated situations to be with him for over a year). I miss him and hate him at the same time. As for her, I just hate her more than anything. I don’t want to be angry and sad anymore but I can’t help it.

  153. I am 26 and very independent. I live alone and have no family. I come from a very abusive childhood and was raped/molested at a young age. I have a daughter, age 5. I was never able to go to college, but some how landed a great job. The father of my daughter never wanted to be with me because I was “too young” and started dating some one not much older than me shortly after he found out I was pregnant. I dated and never was happy, but I met a sweet Brazilian man last October at a country club of all places. He had been broken up with his ex 8 months ago. Some one he claimed he never “actually liked.” He told me everything I ever wanted or needed to hear. He “wanted to take care of me” and my daughter. He told his mom and family about me. He had long nights together and he took many photos of us together. He wanted to love me. He went so well together and had wild sex; he insisted we didn’t use a condom because we were being exclusive. I had my guard up. I wouldn’t let him in. I was suspicious. He seemed too good to be true, but I stopped dating others at his request. Come end Nov/Beginning December he needed to go back to Brazil to work. He has a very intense job and I gave him his space. We didn’t see each other before he left but did talk (everyday) and he said he would miss me and bring me gifts and told me he couldn’t wait to meet my daughter. He wished he could stay here for Thanksgiving with me.
    Well, while he was there everything went silent and I became confused. Now I am not on social media at all but I have friends who are so I stalked him. I found his ex and she had all these photos of them up. They appeared old and I didn’t want to freak him out so I casually emailed him to see how he was. Nothing. I didn’t exactly know when he would be back so I just played it cool. finally after a few weeks I texted him “hey flights from Brazil are delayed and things are crazy at the airport! you all good?” He was fine and decided to get back his ex, but “they only had sex.” it was nothing serious he just needed space to feel better about what he did to me. I let him be. I was so disappointed in myself. How could I fall into such a trap? He deserves better than me. I have nothing to offer. I have a child he only used me for sex. I completely went off on him. I told him he couldn’t just fuck with people like this and he needs to be careful. He agreed and said he still wanted me, but needed some time. So I became sad started to have flings and be destructive.
    We decided to be friends and planned to see each other many, many times throughout December and Jan. Including on his birthday and just before Christmas. He let me know his mom was here so he was too busy. I let him be, but I bought gifts for him like a total fool. I continued to stalk his social media sites saw his ex was here, having all the fun I should have. They went to Vegas with his mom, decorated the Christmas tree, did stalkings, etc. So know what I did? I took those damn gifts and dropped them on his front porch knowing she was there. He immediately texted me and said he appreciated my gifts, but please give him space. He said nothing about her being there at all. He planned on seeing me when she was here. He was playing us both. So I gave up finally.

    BUT WAIT there’s more! His ex stayed maybe until Jan and the moment she left he wants to see me. He explained everything to me and I decided he didn’t need me to forgive him. We hadn’t made any commitments, but he did say some pretty commitment like things. So I let it go. We decided to date and he then promised me he wasn’t seeing anyone else. He was over his ex etc, etc. We did a lot of things together, I actually let him meet my daughter who he connected with and she liked him too!!!!! Now come July of this year he started to ignore me and ditched all efforts to see me. I stopped trying to text him and called him. He was in Brazil and reassured me everything was fine. He didn’t say goodbye to and would not talk to me. I thought how rude! He’s being so rude. He only was sending me emojis or photos literally. So I told him he needed to communicate with me better. He ignored me. So I called him out said he was playing a game and he says “you’re right I need to say something. We can’t see each other anymore. It’s not about my ex. It’s about another girl” HA! All via text. how could I be so stupid? All the signs were there. He hadn’t been letting me stay the night, he started to use condoms, he wouldn’t message me for days, he ignored all my efforts to hang out. I of course called him out on his shit and sent him another package as I had a gift for him. I also sent him a photo of my ass with my middle finger next to it. He lied right to my and told him that. I can’t believe I let him meet my precious daughter.
    For some reason I still don’t want to give up on him. I have been trying to talk to him and he says “you’re a special girl, but my life changes so often….” or just ignoring me. It is so hard to find love and I want to fight. I feel so rejected. I wasted a whole year on him. How could some one be so fake??

  154. Hi Thea, I have just read your story for the second time. And as a matter of fact I’m going through the same situation. I’m going through a fresh heart break if I may say because its a month already but everything just seems so fresh as though it was yesterday.
    She left me saying she wants to concentrate on school yet I was very supportive of her education. I even paid part of her tuition once in a while. Everything seemed to be going on so well in the first place because I was so happy and she looked happy with me too. But everything changed when she went for holidays and started working in some photo studio. She hooked up with some guys(bad guys) that were very outgoing and funny more than I am. She started changing, started accusing me of things I didn’t do, started posting photos of her and those other guys on social media. I was so hurt, I knew my girlfriend was going to leave. I didn’t ask much about the guys because I never wanted to be offensive to her. Actually I did not ask about them at all. I’m a very patient person who never reacts on everything. I didn’t fight with her at any one time. Whenever I felt so hurt I just chose to keep quiet and let her be but the more silent I got, the more she resented me. The last month of our relationship was so bad, everything changed, we rarely talked because she claimed to be busy always, rarely met up. I tried all I could to make it work but It felt like we were running out of time. I felt a lot of pain even when the relationship had not ended yet, I lost wait, couldn’t concentrate so much at work. I work 24 hours because I have two jobs but I always got time for her whenever she needed me. She was my best friend because I do not have very many friends. She’s all I ever knew, she was my true love but she left me. Maybe she never loved me, maybe I was very boring, maybe I’m not good for her. I honestly don’t know but I chose to believe in memory. I don’t know what I feel for her right now. Part of me wants her still but I think I need to move on and concentrate on my writing. I wrote for her everyday, good romantic poems and letters, bought for her gifts. But now all I write about is pain and hurt. I write everyday about my pain but it seems like it won’t ever go away. We were so happy but I don’t know what I did to deserve this pain. There’s a lot I am feeling right now but I’m to stop right here. I just want to be better already, I want to be okay and free form this pain. I’ve never talked about it with anyone because I do not have very many friends. I’m an introvert and a loner. I just do not know what to do right now. This pain is too much for me. Thank you so much Thea for your story, I hope I’ll be like you sometime.

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