Before Commenting – Read These SYBD Rules

Before Commenting On SYBD - Read These Rules, Man with pen in hand writingBefore Commenting – Read These SYBD Rules

Before you go commenting on one of our threads there are a few things to consider. Not quite terms and conditions but these SYBD Rules are pretty simple. Please take them into account before posting a comment.

  1. No full names allowed. Feel free to use the first name or a nickname or intials but no full names. This site is not a “name and shame” site. This is a site to help people get over an ex – not name call or any other revenge type sitch.
  2. Avoid being too specific. Similar to condition one, do be so specific that the person is easily identifiable. Again this is not a place to get revenge on an ex. You may be angry. I get that. This site though is not for that so keep it general.
  3. Avoid adding any links. No URLs are permitted on SYBD…Even if you’re writing generally about a dating site e.g. “Match” – just say “Match” that’s fine.
    NOTE: There is one thread where web addresses are permitted and that is on this recent post to “Connect With Others Going Through a Breakup”. That is a post for people to share their social media profiles and reach out to other people who are hurting after a split with a boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s the only place URLs are permitted. So if you do them in comments, then either they will not be approved or they will be edited. You have been warned.
  4. Stop the Profanity! I know it’s tempting to swear your socks of when you’re super pissed off, but do me a favour and just self-edit. If you don’t, it forces me to. If there is a lot of swearing, I’ll likely just “trash” the post. If you’ve taken the time to write the post out then you don’t really want me trashing it instead of approving it. Am I right?
  5. Remember this is a Public Forum. A few things to remember 1) Choose your email address carefully (some addresses, if you have registered on WP will show your avatar!!) 2) Other people may come across it, so choose your username carefully.
  6. Comment in the right place. Make sure you are commenting on the right post. If you want to share your story of the breakup then use the “How, When and Where…” post.  If you want to vent, then use “Have Something to Say to Your Ex”. Just ensure you’re responding in the right place. If you’re wanting to connect with other heartbroken people then use the link in number three (and don’t forget to add some sort of link for people to connect with you on).
  7. Help others. Sometimes the best thing we can do when we are struggling emotionally is help other people. So read someone’s story and maybe respond to their post. Offer your advice and insight.
  8. Trust you’ll get through this. This site has been running since 2000. I’ve yet to see someone who didn’t get over it – when they wanted to.
  9. Read My Own Breakup Story. I’ve been where you are and I got through it. You will too.

Connect With Others Going Through Breakups Too

Connect with others going through a break up too on SYBD

Wanna Connect With Others Going Through Breakups Too?

Here’s a post especially for all who are going through breakups and hoping to speak to others personally and privately about their ex…Sometimes the best help we can get is by speaking to someone who’s in the trenches over an ex too…

The other day a young lad (assuming he’s young, he asked for people to reach out to him on SnapChat) posted that he wanted to connect with other people who are getting over an ex. I’m not sure, but I think it may have been his first breakup. I felt bad for him. Haven’t we all been there?

Anyway, I got to thinking that it might be a good idea to have a post whereby people can share their social media channels in order to connect with other people who are going through it. Previously we had a Breakup Buddy post where I tried to match up people, but I don’t have that much time to connect people so this way seems better.

So Tell Us Who and Where You Are

Comment below, giving us a bit of information about you. Share who are you, where are you, and tell everyone how long your relationship with your lasted and when it ended.

(FYI: We have a separate, very popular place, for people to share How, When and Where their breakup happened but no links are allowed on that post…this one is different)

Then share where can people find you online. Don’t list every single link – maybe just the top three?

Let me be clear, this is only a post that is asking for people to share their links to their personal Facebook profiles, Twitter profiles, Instagram accounts, or SnapChat.

This is not a place to promote their book, album, course, website, app or anything else.

Essentially it’s not about promotion it’s about connection.

No spammy posts will be approved.

Survivor Journal - for people going through breakups and moving on

Quality Control – Are You For Real?

Though I don’t have time to closely verify every single person who comes on this site and comments with their links, I will do my best to moderate and double check the links that people share.

As much as possible I will aim to ensure the people are “legit”. But I can’t responsible beyond that – be safe when communicating with anyone you meet online.

This post is simply the one place I will allow people to link to their personal profiles – with the hope that people will connect and help each other over their broken hearts.

SYBD Connect…

So You’ve Been Dumped has been helping people going through breakups for eighteen years. Feel free to reach out to So You’ve Been Dumped on the SYBD Facebook page. There is also an SYBD Twitter profile if tweeting is more your thing. You may find the 12 Stages of a Break up Video help too.

Now please comment below! (When speaking about an ex, please no full names and no profanity…)

Happy New Year to You

New Year & ChapterHappy New Year You

I just want to write a very quick post to wish all our visitors a Happy New Year. Well if you celebrate it. Of course, there are parts of the world, and people across the globe, who don’t…

But for many of us, it’s a time to reflect on our lives. We wave goodbye to an old year and welcome a new one.

This holiday period I have been unwell – for just about all of it. I had already planned on having a “self care” sort of break, but it was a bummer to be forced to do so!

In any event, I have managed to do things at home I’ve been meaning to do. For instance, I’ve managed to get around to weeding out some CDs, and buying a new refrigerator (I’ve been meaning to for two years!). It arrived today, New Year’s Eve, and I am over the moon. It’s the simple pleasures in life.

Eyes Forward, Not Back

As I sit here in bed, typing these words, I am feeling very pensive, or maybe reflective, or both.

For me life is very much a case of “eyes forward, not back”…

2017 was a year like many others for me. It wasn’t all that good, nor was it too bad.

There were highs. There were lows.

There was some friend drama. I made some. I lost some.

There was family drama.

There were a few celebrations too.

The most monumental was the fact that my sister was diagnosed with Cancer and has had the hardest year of her life.

That has effected me in ways I could not have imagined prior to her diagnosis.

To say it’s given me new perspective would be quite an understatement.

Ask Good Questions

So for me, as I put fingers to keyboard, I’m asking myself some important questions.

What was good about the year? What would I like to improve upon going forward?

Where would I like to be next year? Who would I like to be spending the holidays with? Has anything I’ve said or done mattered? What sort of legacy do I want to leave when my time comes? Have I learned anything? Have I taught anything?

Have I felt love in my life? When I talk about love, I don’t just mean of the romantic variety – I mean love in a much broader sense. Love of family, friends, and people in general.

Because according to this Harvard study – the key to a fulfilling life is love. I knew that already, of course, but an interesting read none the less.

So What Has Your Year Been Like?

If you’re here reading these words, you’re either stalking me, or you’ve been through some sort of relationship breakdown (I’m guessing the latter).

If that’s the case, I am sorry. I hope you find this site helpful.

I would ask you, what is it you hope to learn from the experience? Where do you want to be this time next year? How will you try to turn your pain into gain? Is there anything I can do to help you?

You might enjoy reading:

“Is Your Life Fulfilling?”

17 Funny Breakup Lines for 17 Years of SYBD

 

Brain-A-Thon Live Oct 7, 2017 – Want to Change Your Life?

Register for the Live 2017 Brain-a-Thon with John Assaraf

Brain-A-Thon Live Oct 7, 2017. Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.‎

Wondering, “What is a Brain-A-Thon, and how can it help me?” (Or perhaps more to the point, “what has a brain-a-thon got to do with getting over a breakup?” 

Read on, and I’ll explain what it is, and how you can retrain your brain and start to become more happy, healthy and wealthy. Sounds pretty good, right?

The Brain-a-Thon (BaT) is a live, annual event that is designed to teach people how to better utilise their brains by changing from the inside out. Our heads have a lot going on – biologically, physiologically, and neurological. All of this plays a part in our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. We all have fears – every single one of us. It could be fear of failure, or success, or disappointing ourselves or others. (On SYBD, it might be fears of never getting over a breakup or ending up alone, or wondering how we’ll be able to support ourselves and possibly our children, alone,…)

While this BaT webinar is focused more on money (something most of us can use more of), I believe the same principles you’ll hear on it will help if you’re trying to get over a someone, release weight, or simply want to feel great more often! It’s about taking those limiting beliefs and re-programming them.

My First Brain-A-Thon 2016

It was it rainy Autumn evening when I logged on to watch my first ever Brain-a-Thon with John Assaraf. After seeing John in the Law of Attraction film The Secret (was impressed with his mad vision board skills), I ended up on his mailing list. So when the opportunity to sign up for the webinar came, I jumped at the opportunity. I knew I needed to do something about both my faulty thinking and my financial situation. That dull night, I sat on my sofa, even as fireworks were going off outside my living room window, I watched the entire Brain-a-Thon (6-7 hours, I think). Seriously, I took the laptop into the bathroom for the occasional “comfort break”. It went with me to the kitchen to cook dinner too.

Across the course of the entire event, I took more than a dozen pages of notes and key points the speakers and John made. I was really impressed that this information was coming from a science background with evidence to support it. While I watched, I believed that the program would help me. I was convinced, but as much as he kept urging us to take up this amazing offer, it didn’t feel right to me. I couldn’t, in good conscience, add another grand’s debt onto my already hefty pile.

That being said, I knew I wanted it, and I decided I would join Winning the Game of Money (WTGM), at some point, when the time was right…

 

The Brain-a-Thon Event 2017

Like all webinars, The Brain-a-Thon 2017 event has a purpose. It’s designed to promote the Neurogym’s WTGM. That is a program that costs, on the day, a thousand dollars…Please don’t let that put you off registering and watching live on the 7th October. Honestly, even if you don’t purchase the WTGM program, EVER, I’d still urge you to attend for as long as you can, and learn some valuable things about your own mystical brain.The speakers of the 6th Annual Brain-a-Thon - October 2017

Nowhere else will you world class speakers for FREE! These speakers (pictured above) include: Dr Shelley Carson, Dr Jeff Spencer, Mary Morrissey, Dr Heidi Hanna, Mark R Waldman Dr Srini Pillay, Dr Sarah McKay and of course host John Assaraf.

So I guarantee, you’ll get some interesting takeaways, insights and inspiration. That info will help you in whatever area of your life you’re hoping to improve. It’s a phenomenal FREE opportunity – even without buying the program. I personally got a lot out of it and I didn’t join until a few months later…

After the Brain-a-Thon

After the webinar, I started doing some research about this Winning the Game of Money program. I typed in words like “reviews” and “scam” and so forth. I wanted to see what came up but I couldn’t find anything to put me off. Deep down,  I’d know I’d benefit from the program. I was convinced 100%, but the debt I already had, prevented me from buying. Instead of joining on the day, I kept taking advantage of all the FREE insights in John’s emails and videos. Eventually, I got a two-week FREE TRIAL offer to “test drive” the program. I jumped at the opportunity, eventually joined, and never looked back.
For a long time, I knew I needed to do something different to reprogram some of my faulty thinking, not only about money, but personally too. This opportunity to watch the Brain-a-Thon came at just the right time for me. Maybe it will be the same for you. If you want to start to change the way you think about money, life, your ex, your future, anything, then hop on this webinar and be open to everything.

Prepare to Get Inspired

Upgrading your Brain, will help you in every area of your life. Your income, health and relationships. Plus at the very least, this webinar will make you concentrate on something that isn’t your ex for more than, say, five or six hours. That can only be a good thing.
The first step toward change is simple, register for the All NEW 6th Annual LIVE Brain-a-Thon October 7, 2017 Webinar now.

Constantly Thinking About Your EX? Stop and Do the JOY Test…

Constantly Thinking About Your EX? Stop and Do the JOY Test...

Thinking About Your EX? Do the Joy Test…

This “Joy Test” post has been in the making for months, possibly even years. It’s aimed at those of you who are constantly thinking about your EX. Perhaps thinking is too light of a term. Maybe you’re fixating, obsessing, totally distracted and hurting…

If that’s you, then read on…

After a breakup, for weeks or even months, we can be consumed with so many thoughts and questions. These could be questioning things like, “what did I do to deserve this?”.

Or you may want reconciliation – so it’s more like “how can I win my ex back?”

Maybe you’re constantly thinking these repetitive thoughts that you really want to get off your chest….so it could be, “I want to write a letter to my ex to say……”

All of these topics (and many more) have been covered here over the years on SYBD (you can always do an SYBD search in our archives).

But this post is a little different and it’s about what I’ve done to start feeling better after a breakup.

Thousands of Thoughts

We are all human are therefor thoughtful creatures.

We walk around with 50,000-80,000 thoughts every single day (35-48 thoughts a minute – oh my).

Many of those thoughts are negative and most are habitual. In other words, we keep walking around with the same ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ that we did yesterday, the day before, the week before, the year before, and so on.

At least until we decide to change them. Notice I don’t say “control” them because I don’t believe that we can control our thoughts. You will never know what the next thought is that’s going to pop into your brain. How could you?

What you can do is notice them and, when necessary, shift them.

Change Your Breakup Thoughts, to Change Your Life

Changing the Way You Think

If you do start to change your thoughts, you will change your life. (If you haven’t read that similarly titled Wayne Dyer book I highly recommend it.)

Changing the way you think, particularly when your thoughts are maybe a little obsessive (about your ex for instance), can be ridiculously challenging. I know, I’ve been there. I was that girl, for years. I not only thought, I obsessed, I pined into painful wells of despair…Until I realised that all that thinkin’ wasn’t making me feel better.

I knew that I needed to do something different. So I went on a quest to learn more about the brain and our thoughts. I watched video after video, read books, listened to CDs and scoured blogs.

I shifted my focus to retraining my brain. It’s been a daily effort, for years now, but the older I get, the happier and more successful I get.

It’s not a one and done thing, it takes practice, and some tools, because if you don’t keep practicing, you will end up falling back to your original thought patterns.

It’s not just a case of repeating some daily affirmations. Though they are good, most people are doing them wrong. 

I can walk around all day long saying “I am loveable” or “I am wealthy” but if I don’t actually FEEL those things to be true – then there is conflict and they’ll never work.

So what I am suggesting is slightly different.

Do the Joy Test

The Joy Test Is Born

I started to do what I dubbed the “joy test” – on my own thoughts. When I was habitually thinking a thought, whether about a guy, career, family stuff, etc, I stopped and questioned it: “Does this thought bring me joy or pain”?

After I asked it, I sat and waited for a few seconds to see what the answer was.

Sometimes a word came up or sometimes a feeling but essentially, if the thought was painful, in any way, I would immediately shift my focus.

How?

I’d notice small things around me that were more positive. I started with simple things.

Here, try this yourself. Look around you right now. Find something focus for a moment on — the sun, the blue sky (if you’re lucky enough to see a blue sky out your window), a pet, a photograph of a happy time, a flower or maybe a tree…

Or close your eyes and think of a loved one – mom, dad, child, relative you love, or dearest friend you always have fun with (not your ex!!). Think of a time you had a blast together.

Just shift your focus for a minute and be in that experience mentally. Yes, it takes practice. Daily practice. If you start to do that every time you notice yourself fixating on your ex, your shift will become easier. It may only be 30 seconds at first, then a minute, then five, then ten and so on. But I promise you, that if you do the work, it’s possible.

Next time you’re tormenting yourself with thoughts about your ex (and maybe who/what they’re doing right now) – take a beat.

Inhale a deep breath and question the thought: “Is this thought giving me peace and pleasure or pain and displeasure?”

If it’s the latter, start to shift your focus to little things that surround you or to some happier time/place.

Think Good Thoughts

A while back I put this “Joy Test” to the test. A handsome friend did something that hurt my feelings. It wasn’t personal as such but I found myself fixating on what he did (or rather didn’t do). The thought plagued me. Then I remembered my own Joy Test. Each time he popped into my head, I shifted from painful thoughts to ones that bring me joy.

I only needed to do that for a day or two, and then it got to the point there was no longer any pain associated with him when he came into my brain. I chose a different thought path.

Please don’t keep thinking the thoughts that make you more and more miserable. We have no control over thoughts, they come and go, but what we can do is when we see it pop up, again, we can take 10-15 seconds before that thought really grips us, and we can focus on something else. If you keep thinking a thought more than 15 seconds you’ve latched onto it and given it momentum. The trick is to shift inside the 15 seconds so the thought doesn’t have time to become energised and get weight. It simply slips away.

Mindfulness is another way to help you stop fixating thoughts about your ex, but we’ll talk about that another day OK?

What do you do to stop constantly thinking about your ex? Answer in the comments below.

Other posts which may interest you:

 

17 Funny Breakup Lines for 17 Years of So You’ve Been Dumped

17 Funny Breakup Lines from SYBD

As soyouvebeendumped.com turns 17 this week, I thought we’d do something special to mark the occasion – so here are 17 Funny Breakup lines for you. These are actual dumping lines that have been emailed in or submitted to the blog over the years. Feel free to add your own or comment on any of these in the comments sections below.

Breakup line 1 - about leaving the country

1) “I don’t think breaking up with you is the solution, but I’m feeling a lot of pressure to leave the country for a couple of months, right now.”

Breakup line 2 - need space but the one

2) “I just need some space, to do my own thing without you, but I don’t want you to date anyone else for a while because you might be ‘The One’.”

SYBD breakup line 3 - anyone else?

3) Anyone else you’d like to be having a relationship with at the moment?

SYBD breakup line 4 about the boobs

4) Don’t get me wrong, I really love your boobs, but I thought they were real…Now that I know they’re fake, I can’t be with someone that shallow.

SYBD line 5 - your two kids
5) I can see us together forever, just not with your two kids. If you didn’t have them,
then we would have something.

SYBD breakup line 6 - I'm a bloke

6) I can’t see you anymore. Your house is a tip and mine is spotless and I’m a bloke.

soyouvebeendumped.com - breakup line 7 - toothpaste lid

7) I know you’re not the one because you leave the lid off the toothpaste and my mother would never do that.

SYBD breakup line 8 - pint and cig

8) I look at you and see the next cigarette or pint of beer.

Breakup Line 9 - you're too old

9) You’re too old to have the number of children I want to have.

Breakup line from So You've been Dumped - about radiohead

10) We have too many music differences. I really like the new Radiohead stuff and you’re just into the old stuff.

11 breakup line - about an old car

11) Our relationship is like a very old car – too many pieces are broken, so it’s not worth it to try to fix them. I’d rather look for a new one.

break-up line 12 about childbirth

12) Me breaking up with you, well it’s like childbirth. Sure it hurts like hell for a while but then you’ll forget the pain completely when you find someone else to make you happy.
13 funny breakup lines - good in bed
13) I thought that eventually you’d be as good in bed as I am. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

SYBD crazy breakup lines - 14 the Pope

14) Even though we’ve been together for two years, you’re Jewish and I’m Catholic, what would the Pope say?

Breakup line about the cats - 15

15) I have no joy in my life. The only time I am happy is when I am with my cats.

16 An SYBD breakup line about caffeine

16) I mustn’t be dependent on anything. That’s why I don’t even drink coffee.

17 breakup line about being boring

17) I’m sorry, you’re just too boring to be my girlfriend – but you’d make a great wife. Maybe in a few years I could get back in touch.…

Conclusions

You will no doubt conclude that people say the craziest things when breaking up with their partners. This is true whether male or female, young or old.

Feel free to share a breakup line with me in the comments below. Or if you want you can read a much longer list of SYBD’s crazy breakup lines here, and share it there.

If you like this post then please do share it with your friends and followers who may appreciate it. Thanks so much!

 

Yes, I’m Friends with My Ex(es): Should You Be Friends with Yours?

Yes, I am Friends with My EX(es)

Yes, I Am Friends With My Ex (es)

This is a follow on post from “Can Exes Be Friends?”. It was too long for the web so I broke it in half.  For starters, yes I am friends with my ex(es). Well, most of them. A few didn’t want to be my friend, but I’d happily be friends with all of my exes. It is my intention for you to read this and think about what’s been said and whether or not you should attempt to be friends with your ex.

One, in particular, is a wonderful guy and we’ve pretty much been friends since it ended. That said, we split up due to geography (mostly) – as I was in California and he was in England. Plus neither of us was so head-over-heels that we couldn’t handle making that transition right away.

More often than not, break-ups aren’t so smooth. It’s usually one person walking away and another being left…

Instead of just hearing what I have to say let’s hear from other SYBD men and women over the years…

Smiler Says this About Friendship With Ex

“It depends on your emotional system. If you can cut out every kind of romantic emotion that you had with this ex, then great – I think it’s possible.

Personally though, I think it’s too messy to stay friends with an ex. I’d rather get rid of the history. When a new guy comes on the scene, at least I don’t have to worry about them being paranoid if I had an ex as a friend!

If you can do it, then fine. If not – clear your clutter….For me, I have never stayed friends with an ex – because it’s been too painful for me. I was either still in love with them when we broke up or they had emotional baggage.” SMILER

Why Does your Ex Want to Be Friends?

Sometimes it’s the ex who wants to keep the friendship going and who constantly gets in touch. Is it out of convenience? Maybe they’re stuck in a comfort zone they don’t want to give up? Or maybe it’s out of some residual guilt that they remain in contact.

Often the one who chose to leave – still has feelings for the person they’ve left, but the feelings have simply changed. So in these cases it benefits the leaver, to be in touch, but not so much the one who’s been left.

To me, and from what I’ve seen for seventeen years here, it helps when there is no chance of going back. What I mean is that being only friends with an ex ever truly works when both people want the friendship, but neither wants more. Or they both want to work at being friends before moving back into a relationship. Essentially they need to be on the same page.

Does Your Ex Really Want to be Friends?

It’s not uncommon for our exes to say they “want to stay friends” – but then they go and behave in ways that is counter to that sentiment.

“After five years together, my ex said we should just be friends. It’s been months and she hasn’t contacted me once. No Christmas card, no birthday card, no phone call to find out whether I got the job I had an interview for the week after she finished it…nothing. She hasn’t been a friend to me. When the split HASN’T been an amicable one, I don’t see how a friendship can ensue. If she had been mature enough to accept her share of responsibility for the split, then it would be easier for me to try and forgive her. As it was, she couldn’t even say ‘sorry’ for what she did. And that hurts. I guess my opinion is: no friendship if one of you is still hurting.”MACKENZIE

What Does being Friends With Your Ex Mean?

To be a proper friendship, it means both parties making the effort and showing respect for one another. If you’re the one always calling, texting, emailing or stopping by, it’ll soon start to make you feel foolish and desperate. And that my friends, is counter-productive to the healing process.

Whilst sure it’s possible to be friends, as I say, if you try to do it too soon, it can be a confusing and painful time.

Being friends can mean different things to different people as Phoebe found out:

“At first I thought, we’d been best and partners for fifteen years. We’d grown up together and I really didn’t want to lose that. We used to go out to lunch once a week, but he thought it meant we where working on things and would get back together. There was no way I was going down that path. So I stopped seeing him. He got a girlfriend. I am very sure we will never be friends and it really got confusing for us trying to be.” – PHOEBE

Friend or Foe: Are you friends with your ex?

Exes as Friends? Never Say Never

Well I avoid using “never” in my vocabulary. Honestly, the moment you use the word “never” I reckon the universe ends up making a liar out of you! Sometimes we feel like we’d “never” be, or do, something at the time, but then things change.

A lot of people try to be friends because they share the same social circle, and if they don’t remain on good terms it’s awkward and uncomfortable for people to be around them. Or if you don’t remain friends with your ex, it ends up resulting in people having to choose sides and SANDY explains.

“A friend of mine recently was in a situation where she saw her ex constantly in social situations, she clearly felt very uncomfortable and upset, but many of the people around her (a big group of friends who’d hung out with the couple for years) acted as if it was somehow selfish of her to be upset, because it made things difficult for them socially. I think that mutual friends’ reactions can be very important as well – often people end up having to cut-off some of their mutual friends as well, and that’s really tough.”- SANDY

Well it is tough to navigate friendships after a breakup. I know the pain first hand, as I had to do that too. It was just too painful being around mutual friends, and so I naturally gravitated toward friends that were solely mine, or even toward some who’d never even met my ex. It won’t be everyone’s solution, but it worked for me.

Time May or May Not Heal

In time, you can perhaps resume the friendships that you had that were mutual, but in the early days, it could be better to keep a safer distance.

“My ex initiated our divorce. It took about four months for me to realize it was for the best. It took about another two months for me to realize, I could do better and that I could be happier. Once that happened, we became friends again. I think that if both people decide the break up was for the best, they have a much better chance of being friends. I respect her for having the courage to end the relationship when she knew it was for the best. It wasn’t just about her being happier, it was about both of us being happier. I guess it doesn’t always happen that way, but that’s why it was really easy for us to remain friends.” – JAZZBRAT

That was beautifully said and a positive way of looking at his break up. It wasn’t about one person being happier it was about both parties eventually, once healed, going on to be happier. That’s actually more apparent then most people realise at the time.

“I think that a lot of people would like to be friends with their ex, but if there is still strong feelings (either love or hate or whatever) from either party then ultimately it isn’t possible to be ‘real’ friends. Being ‘friendly’ isn’t the same as being friends. I tried (like many other dumpees) at the beginning of the break up, but it hurt so much being around him that I had to cut myself off. Now he wants to be my friend again, and seems to think that enough time has passed to allow that (six months). There is no way I’m ready for that now, I still love him and think about him all the time. I would like to be able to be friends with him again one day, but at the moment I want more.” – LIZZIE1509

Don’t Set Yourself Up for More Pain

When we try to be friends right away, if we are still interested in them as more than a friend, it is incredibly hard not to end up reading too much into each bit of contact we do have with them.

In the past, I’ve attempted to downshift from lover to friends, and when I tried it too soon, it always had disastrous results. Often I have to cut all ties with someone I’ve dated until I healed a bit, because it is just too hard to immediately downshift from lover to friend.

To be successful, it takes both sides not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. If one person wants more, it just doesn’t work. It’s rather like constantly rubbing salt on a wound – just reminding yourself over and over again what you’re missing.

I often used to marvel at the people who log on to the site – citing all sorts of perceived crimes and misdemeanours their ex made – and then they proceed to whine about how they “love” their ex still and can’t bear the thought of living with out them. Why is that?

If somebody has broken your heart, crushed your spirit and betrayed your trust why would you want them as a friend? After a decent amount of time has lapsed and there is genuinely no feeling there any more then I guess you can have a stab at it. I never have though. If it was such an ordeal getting over them – why invite them back into your life? Besides by that stage your ex will have a new partner and he/she will not be happy about them hanging out with you. You may have a new partner who feels the same. You can never talk comfortably or honestly about your love life to an ex – so what’s the point?” – ROGER

As I always say “perspective is a mirror and not a fact” – so for those people who believe they can be friends with an can ex manage it. Those who don’t, don’t.

“I am friends with one of my exes, but it’s been years since we split up. I wouldn’t say we are the best of friends. We live miles apart and just contact each other occasionally by email, but when we do, it is quite intense contact for awhile. We can talk about anything! We have met up quite a few times since the break-up also. Whenever we are in trouble we seem to turn to each other. I think the only thing that stops the friendships working is if there is any bitterness or romantic nostalgia there – all of these feelings must be completely over with.” – BARN OWL

When the Ex is Your Best Friend

Matt says being friends worked for him, and that one of his best friends is an ex, but admittedly it was only a short-term relationship.

“The relationship was horrible because we each had very different expectations of what we wanted from each other. After breaking up and not seeing each other for six months, we ran into each other again through a mutual friend (the same one who hooked us up). We realized that we still had a lot in common and enjoyed being around each other, but that dating was out of the question. Since then, we’ve been very close friends. She’s even been a major support during my break-up with my most recent ex. So I guess the trick is a combination of common interests, time apart and a lack of expectations.”- MATT

It’s awesome when you can be friends with an ex. After all they probably knew you so well?

“The major love of my life is my best friend, but we were friends before anything happened between us, we were in a same sex relationship, I am still gay, she is now married with kids. We were together for many years and just grew out of each other. She found a guy and eventually married, I was her bridesmaid, and now god mother to her kids. I am not sure why it worked out the way it did, we really liked each other and had loved each other as friends, and it now seems to have gone full circle.”SAM

Final Words on Can Exes Be Friends

Some people feel that choosing to not stay friends is a way of empowering themselves. Though we as a dumpee may have had little say in the relationship ending – we do have the power to choose how we split up.

Generally speaking, as John Gray once said “Good endings make good beginnings” and whenever possible it’s better to end on as good of terms as possible.

Another possible fly in the ointment of friendship is when we move on to new relationships. Generally speaking, our partners are not too fond of us remaining in contact with exes.

Doing so can make even the most secure of us feel insecure. So you may find that even if have you managed to be friends with your ex – once someone new is on the scene for either of you – it’s likely to change the dynamic in some way. It may even mean you’re not longer friends.

Share Your Experience on Being Friends with Your Ex.

Are you friends with your exes? Let me know in the comments below

The Power of Forgiveness – Try it

 The Power of Forgiveness – Try it

The Power of Forgiveness should never be underestimated.

Power of ForgivenessDo you forgive the people who you feel have done you wrong? Or do you hold on every single perceived slight or misdemeanour – locking it away in your personal vault?

When you think about your ex (or maybe a former friend), are you still holding on to how badly or unjustly you were treated? Perhaps you’re hanging on to things that were said, and playing them over and over in your mind?

Are you the kind of person that has ever uttered words and phrases about how “unforgivable” someone’s words or actions have been?

Do you think forgiveness is not an option or consideration?

Think again.

My Own Journey

I’ve been thinking not only about the people who’ve hurt me in the past, but also those friends and romantic partners whom I have hurt.

The fact is – we all get hurt and hurt others – some more intentionally than others.

If you are truly honest with yourself, you will admit you have, in fact, at some point in your life hurt people too.

You may have done something or said something that caused another human being pain.

I know I have. I am not proud of that fact but it has happened and continues to happen, unfortunately.

But really I have to forgive myself. Others may choose not to forgive me but I need to choose to do so.

Forgiving is Not Easy!

I know, I get it… Forgiving is challenging, for some of us more than others. Especially when it comes to an ex or friend who has hurt us.

It’s not something that tends to happen straight away, it takes time to process the pain and let go. But one of the saddest sights on this site is seeing those who haven’t forgiven their ex.

If you’re not the forgiving kind, ask yourself who is really hurting by your refusing to forgive?

More than likely it’s yourself.

Stop Wasting Energy

If someone has hurt you, or you have hurt someone else, there is no use in replaying the situation over and over.

If someone has hurt you, betrayed you or decided they didn’t want to be in a relationship with you, then work hard toward letting them go.

Channel all your energy on healing, feeling better and moving to someone who does love and appreciate you.

Holding on to our negative emotions and feelings, for any real length of time, only serves to hurt ourselves.

Yes it can take time to process the emotions, but the sooner you get to a point of forgiveness, the sooner you’ll feel happier again.

There was once a woman here on SYBD who was from Kentucky. We’ll call “Sandy” (not her real name). Well Sandy, as I recall, was seventeen years out of her relationship.

Her ex had moved on to a new woman all those years ago, and yet Sandy was still hassling both her ex and his wife.

Seventeen years? Now that is a waste of energy!

That’s a choice Sandy made. That was an issue, a resentment, a pain that she consciously chose to carry, year after year, and for what?

Sandy’s time could have been better spent in therapy, or writing, healing and growing…

Our Stories Are Not Our Stories

We all have programs and stories which we are running in our minds, usually our subconscious mind. These stories were downloaded in our past, usually from our parents, our family, school or even society.

We are often not even aware of these programs which are running all day every day.

How we respond to hurt and pain varies from some person to person. Each time we experience pain, hurt, disappointment – even anger, it will trigger our past experiences.

If we don’t stop to question our thoughts, we simply will play out our experiences on autopilot and we’ll never fully benefit from the healing that can come from forgiveness.

If You Can, Choose Joy

I am constantly questioning my thoughts and consciously choosing my responses now.

Instead of walking around on autopilot, I do the “joy test”.

I ask “Does this feeling, person, situation, work, (or whatever) bring me joy?”

If the answer is “no”, then I simply shift my thoughts to things that do.

Yes it takes practice. Often you have start with little things because it’s nearly impossible to do a 180 with our thoughts. But you can take incremental steps.

If you can’t feel love, joy or appreciation about your ex or ex friend yet, then focus your energy on what you do feel joy about. The more I do this, the easier it gets. I make a conscious effort to shift my feelings or vibrations to things that bring me joy. A conversation with a friend, watching my TV show, walking along a beach, a hot bath…Again baby steps.

It’s not always easy, as I say, but be honest, which would you rather feel? Bitterness and pain or love and joy? Only a sociopath would want the former. Most of us would want feel happiness, joy, and positivity, naturally, but you can’t if you’re holding on to the pain. Pain and joy can’t co-exist together so choose which one you want and then make that be your focus and intention.

Other related posts which may be helpful to you…

Are You Usually the Dumper or the Dumpee?

Are you Usually the Dumper or the Dumpee? Share your breakup story with SYBDAre You Usually the Dumper or the Dumpee?

Sometimes it can be fun to walk down memory lane here on SYBD. I sometimes like to read over posts from our forum that date back to our very early days. In today’s post I am re-visiting a forum post that I started in July 2000 (a week after this site was launched in fact). The post asked if people were usually the dumper or the dumpee. I’ll share some of the responses from that thread but would love to hear your, rather more recent, thoughts and experiences.

July 14, 2000

Thea:
Are you usually dumped or the one who does the dumping? Or are you like me with experience on both sides? I look forward to hearing your stories.

Best wishes,

Thea

Declan:
Thea, Me too – I’ve been dumped, but I’ve never been the dumper. Or at least that’s the way I like to remember it!

Let us know all about your dumping experiences and fill these forums with a little bit of your life!

Cheers,
Declan

D:
I have been the dumper and the dumped. Neither is particularly nice 🙁
From listening to my friends’ experiences, they all say that they tend to be dumped rather than do the dumping…so it seems either most of my friends are unfortunate or most people experience being dumped more often than having to do the dumping!

What do you think? “If you are angry with someone you should walk a mile in their shoes, then you’ll be a mile away from them AND have their shoes!!!

Jen:

I remember I was dumped in car in the McDonalds Car park. I suppose it was a kind of Last Supper, well I was treated to a McChicken Sandwich at least.
I suppose that sums up the relationship though. Makes you feel really good when you realise that after 9 months together, you’re not even worth a Sundae!!

Declan:
Class! Now that made me laugh! Not that it was meant to, and I do feel sorry for you, but that was funny.
Declan

Katy:

|I just seem to have bad luck with men. My first boyfriend dumped me over pizza, and then tried to get me into bed!

Another had to get drunk to have the courage to tell me that the only reason he’d dated me in the first place was because he fancied my flatmate, and had done from the very first second he saw her. (I lost out on 2 other guys for the same reason. But all credit to my flatmate, she was never interested in any of them).

The worst one has to be the most recent: “Dear John” letter after spending an entire weekend worrying that something bad may have happened. I’m definitely preferring being single.  The only person who can disappoint you is yourself. Well, till the next time…

Now You…

Please let me know whether when it comes to relationships ending, you were the one who walked away or you were the who left. Being dumped happens to the best of us. In seventeen years of running this site, I have seen some of the most amazing people get left behind. Sometimes I’ve truly wondered if their exes were downright crazy to go. That said I’ve also seen some people on this site where it was pretty obvious why they were left.

Regardless, please feel free to share your story, anonymously. You never know, it may just help someone else to read your experience and therefor, something else good can come of it…

Welcome to a New Year & Chapter

New Year & Chapter

Welcome to a New Year & Chapter

It’s time to say “Welcome to a New Year & Chapter” of your life. Now is a perfect time to reflect on what has transpired over the past 365 days, and to perhaps dare to envisage what you would like the next twelve months to look like…

Ask yourself:

  • What is working and what isn’t in my life?
  • How are my family relationships?
  • What are my friendships looking like? Do I have good friends who love and support me?
  • How is my coursework or career going? Is it time to change jobs? Or set new career goals?
  • Do I have a work/play balance – or is life lopsided and leaning more one way?
  • Is my exercise regime consistent or sporadic or non-existent?
  • How much water am I drinking each day?
  • Are you making a positive difference in other people’s lives? Family, friends, your community?
  • Have I been living with gratitude or focusing on lack?
  • Am I making the most of my time on earth or am I wasting it on things that do now bring me joy, peace, fun, good health, wealth and happiness?

The Year Ahead

Early January is often a quiet time to make some strides to improve our lives. For many of us, especially in the darker northern climates, it can be a time to hibernate, marinate and replenish until spring time.

Over the coming weeks, choose to use your time and energy productively to carve out a new life; or simply work on ways to improve on whatever was already working in your life. No matter how good life may be going, most of have some areas that contain room for improvement.

De-Clutter Your Space

De-clutter whatever is not working in your life. The people who are negative, draining, and less that supportive – release them.

The clothes in your closet you never wear. Donate them.

The books, music, and gadgets that may be gathering dust. Recycle them.

The less-than-healthy food in your kitchen.  Dump it.

Papers, bank statements and or old photographs of people that you don’t even remember. Shred it all.

Make space in your life for what sparks that joy.  Get rid of anything that no longer serves you.

The Future of SYBD is Up in the Air

Finally to bring it around to a personal level, I now contemplate the future of SYBD. For weeks now I have been wondering whether or not the site should continue, or if I should finally flick the switch and move on once and for all.

It feels as though the last year of SYBD has been more stressful than the last fifteen years combined – due to one individual going to great lengths to harass me and accuse me of all sorts of utter nonsense. It would be a shame to let such emotional terrorism ruin it for the other 45,000 visitors that come to the site ever month,…But as I feel I’ve done my best for nearly seventeen years, perhaps it’s time to let it go, and that this person is just making that decision easier on me.

Bless her heart.

What do the rest of you think? Should I leave the site running in order to continue to help people by having a place to read and share stories? Or is it time I close SYBD down completely this year?

I put it out to you my supportive community…

Best Wishes One and All

I wish each every one of you an amazing 2017. It is my hope that the best is yet to come for us all.

Thank you and goodnight.