One of the most common questions over the past decade (both on the forum and more recently on the blog here) is anything pertaining to being friends with an ex. Sometimes it’s the dumper who wishes to remain friends and the dumpee struggles to adjust to their new status. Other times it’s the dumpee clutching at straws, in a desperate attempt to remain in their ex’s life to either get back with them, or even back at them for causing pain. Often a dumper claims they want to be friends, but acts in ways that leave the dumpee concluding otherwise. (They say one thing and do another).
- Keep Intentions Clear
So you can see why trying to remain friends with an ex, particularly straight after a split, can be a virtual minefield.
What does friendship with an ex entail?
This is something that varies from person to person. It can cut down on confusion and disappointment if you both define it the same way. Is a friend someone you speak to every day, see each week, and are able to call at 2am if your car breaks down and you need rescuing? Or does being friends mean the occasional “how are you” emails? Some people opt for “friends with benefits” options – which though may be fun for a while, might actually impede the healing process, so arguably not the best “long term” solution.
So even the mere definition of “friendship” can be a challenging one, and is just one aspect of the many factors involved in one’s decision on remaining in contact with an ex. Our new video describes a few more:
When writing the script for this particular tutorial I thought about the content of it as it related to my own exes, and as I’d set out to write this I thought, almost smugly, that I am friends with most of my exes (certainly the ones since I launched this site) but after I contemplated it some more, and defined what friendship truly is to me, I realise I am not actually “friends” with them. I’d have to say I am “friendly” but there is a difference.
So even after all these years with such experience on the subject matter of being friends with an ex, I learned during this process. I hope it’s made you stop and think.
Yes you can be friends, but usually not straight away, unless the split was totally mutual (which is a rarity in and of itself).
Please spread the word if you like this. Many thanks, Thea x
I think ‘friendship’ is always going to be tenuous and never that close with an ex. It’s a bit of holding on to a residual connection…I’m friendly with most exes, but those who I became ‘friends’ with I ended up getting back together with…then splitting with….
Isn’t that the truth? The same sort of thing has happened to me! How funny. It was an opening realization when I really examined my “friendships”. Thanks for reading…Hope you like the wee tutorial. Ron is awesome at animating
Most people go into a relationship thinking it will last for ever. I know I did but I agree with you Thea , when that break up comes you need to make a clean break. Instead of talking to your ex talk to your diary and just pour it all out on the pages, very therapeutic
and before you know it you will be moving on. Time is the best healer.
I know we do go into them thinking they’ll all last forever…but in actually nothing does. My new attitude is to just enjoy things as they go, knowing everything ends, eventually. And end on as best of terms as possible, take time out after if needs be, and move on. Wishing them well as much as humanly possible.
For the most part, IMO, Ex’s can-NOT be friends.
Most people can be ‘acquaintances’ or such perhaps years after the hurt has healed …but seldom in reality are they truly friends there for each other….most people who mistakenly want to be ‘friends’ have’t done the dating or the breaking up….still unresolved issues. An ex is like shit on your shoe: best to scrape it off asap, not look back and move on….or like Superman being given a block of Kryptonite: “Holy Shit!’ is his reply as he flees in the other direction as fast as he can. Doesn’t mean we don’t want to be in touch and don’t care, but quite often there is just too much pain to be involved with the many broken dreams etc.
Sure I can understand such if you were really friends BEFORE you became lovers…or if there wasn’t really much passion or much of a relationship ,then I can also understand as there is little ego and hurt involved.
However for the vast majority of us, NADA. Won’t happen and thus don’t force it or ‘pretend’ all is nice and ok when it truly isn’t.
To summarize, one saying I came across sums this up well and succinctly:
“Friends can become lovers…but the opposite is seldom true.”