Changing Views
Break-ups tend to be emotionally challenging times on both sides. Tempers flare and things get said. While they may be meant in the heat of the moment, the fact is we are all constantly changing, so our perspectives do too.
Time heals us to an extent (though not without effort), and once the anger subsides what we said at ‘The End’ (or conversations after The End) doesn’t necessarily hold true.
I was just watching an episode of one of my all time favourite shows, The Gilmore Girls. Young Rory was having a fight with her ex. Though both parties had “moved on” (arguably rebounded) Rory didn’t handle it so great when her ex blurts that he was engaged. Upset words were swapped, ending with him shouting “have a nice life” as he stomped off.
I’ve said something similar to one of my exes in the past in the heat of anger…(which makes me cringe on down the road as I write this). But honestly, we can all be guilty of losing our cool when it feels as though we’re losing our love.
So if you and your ex had a fight, and you (or they) swore you will never speak again, never forgive them, and so forth, relax, as more often than not, it’s not true.
Yes in some cases, people choose to hang on to the anger, hurt, betrayal and so forth – but that is generally at their own detriment.
At the end of the day, in order to move on and heal from a break up, you need to “forgive” ‘em (but you don’t have to forget, that’s optional).
I say this time and again around here, forgiving is what we do for ourselves not for our exes.
Forgiveness is what lets us heal and move on. Not forgiving means we tie ourselves to the people. So if you find you’ve not forgiven your ex or yourself for that matter, then it’s time to address that, OK?
We’re complex beings – we can all do things or say things that hurt other people intentionally and unintentionally. This goes for absolutely everyone.
Let he who is without sin, and all that jazz.
I guess the point I am trying to make is, in most cases, I tend to “never say never”. It may feel like you will never speak again, or that your ex hates your guts right now, and when things end that they’re over forever – but often it’s just not the case.
And in those cases where you’re not on good terms, even on down the road months or years, once you’ve healed and let go yourself, it tends to matter less anyway.
Interesting article Thea. I agree that forgiveness is key to moving on. My gf of 2.5 years dumped me in June and I’ve really been struggling to forgive her and myself. Right after she left the place we shared together I was devastated but I never expressed any anger. Mostly grief and also desperation at wanting her to come back. Of course she didn’t and went off on a trip to Hawaii (while leaving a bunch of her stuff in the apartment). I guess I thought she might see the error of her ways…right. When she did return she gave me her final ‘no’ and got her stuff. And I respected her choice and took the high road as far as not getting mad, yelling, or throwing her stuff on the street like my friends advised me too. But after I found out she met some guy in Hawaii my emotions exploded. I felt used and really angry. Now I wonder if it’s better to express these emotions so that you can just get them out and, hopefully, move on. Because as bad as learning that my ex gf is with someone else it’s even worse feeling all this emotion directed in on me for losing her and not being aggressive when I should have. I’m basically this nice guy who’s being overwhelmed by all the emotion inside me. Any advice on what to do about it? Do I tell my ex how angry I am? Thanks. -Robert
Well there are many schools of thought on this one. Some people will tell you yes, some no. I say go with your gut.
Sometimes even just writing it all out in a letter form for YOURSELF can help dissipate the anger. So can a punch bag. Really I am not sure expressing it to her would have the desired effect. Often it doesn’t give us the result we want because the person doesn’t give us what we need for that closure. And if you go now to her after it ended in June then you may get this “geez it happened months ago – what are you banging on about?” type of attitude.
As I’ve gotten older (in my 40s now) my whole view of relationships has changed. Due to this site and my own personal experiences. I never feel used by ANYONE EVER because I know I am the one who chose to to “give” (and give and give) – no one put a gun to my head. I get a LOT out of giving – even if I don’t get it back from the person I gave it all too.
You got good stuff out of the 2.5 years, presumably or you’d not have stayed with her so long. Maybe the relationship just lasted exactly as long as it was supposed to? I am glad you took the high road. You can go on down the road knowing you behaved like a level-headed gentleman not a whack job. People come and go from our lives we can’t stop that. We can only be responsible for how we behave when it happens.
She left you. She met someone new. She ended it. All unfortunate but not exactly crimes.
I know it hurt when that so-called love of my life walked out after 3.5 years for his work colleague – a month after buying a great family home with me. I was angry too. You betcha. But I behaved mostly pretty good, and upstanding and with head held high too, and I am glad I did. And you know what, in many many ways I am glad he left me all those years ago and is still with her. Because 1) Amazing stuff has happened that wouldn’t have if he didn’t leave (like this site, and the fact I am off to Cannes next week with it) and 2) he ended up leaving me for his soul mate not some floozy. I loved him and I am glad he’s happy. I of course didn’t feel this week that first year but I eventually did.
You never know where the path is taking you Robert. This ending with her is just the beginning of a brave new world for you. So work through that anger and make peace with the experience as soon as you’re able to.
I’ll be honest with you, I walked away from someone pretty great (just not a good fit for me), and even a year down the road I still had pockets of anger that would re-surface. I just had to keep pushing through to get to the bottom of it.
Anger is often not about what we initially THINK it is about. It’s often mis-directed. So keep asking what you’re angry about REALLY and release it.
This experience can be the MAKING OF YOU in many ways if you only let it. Be open to the change, not resistant.
Thanks for your advice, Thea. You’re right that it’s a little too late to lay a bunch of grievances at my ex’s feet. I know in the long run it’s not gonna solve anything with her. But it might make me feel better. But last time I saw her and she asked me how I was and I responded honestly that the last few months have been complete hell for me. And for some reason it felt good to let her know that. I like what you said about finding the real source of my anger. Probably a lot of why I’m upset is that she seems so content in her new life and I’m struggling. I guess, if I’m honest I haven’t really let go yet. And I think I’m angry at myself for losing her. So any advice on how to let that out and forgive?
>> But it might make me feel better.
You know what? It might. It might not too. Who knows? I think these things don’t tend to make or break situations.
I think if you allow more water under the bridge you can maybe voice stuff later if you still feel the need to. After that desperate need to vent has passed.
She may or may not be content in her new life. She might have some bits that she is and some not. I suspect one of my exes might think I was all contented and happy after I left…but as months went on – I had times I struggled. It’s not like all dumpers ride off into the sunset on the back of the unicorn under the rainbow. They have highs and lows too.
Even when they move on to someone new – and even if they’re happy with Mr or Mrs New – it doesn’t mean that they are 1) over their ex 2) not missing their ex sometimes 3) going to stay so happy! (Especially when novelty wears off).
So just remember she’s not getting off scot-free even if she seems to be. She’s really not.
Instead of being angry – vow to do better next time – with her or someone else! That’s all we can do. x