Remember You're Special
Putting the desperate “I just want her/him back” statements aside, do you really want your ex back? I mean, is it specifically the relationship with your ex, or is it simply A relationship that you miss? Strange as it sounds, there actually is a difference, and I believe more ofter than not, it’s the latter rather than the former.
Many years ago, I remember, a friend of mine asked me that question “is it really him that you miss or is it simply a relationship?” She went on to ask what was it about him specifically that I missed.
Naturally, I cited things like he had been super loving, and kind, the sex had been awesome, we enjoyed many romantic trips locally and abroad, and that best of all he was totally awesome at giving foot rubs! (Better than anyone ever!) To which my friend replied, “well, so if you had a new relationship with good sex, good foot rubs and who was loving…?”
I couldn’t argue with that.
What we tend to miss is having someone we can call or text when something good, or bad, happens. We miss having someone we know is there for us. Of course we may have a multitude of friends who are “there” for us, and who will give us a much-needed hug but it’s not really the same as when it’s from that special someone, is it?
I know how you feel…
But when it comes down to it we have to be totally real and honest with ourselves. Digging past the loneliness and longing – we sometimes need an emotional audit of ourselves and of our relationship.
NOTHING’S PERFECT…
What about your relationship did and what didn’t work? Again, be brutally honest now. No person is perfect and neither is any relationship. There is always room for improvement in each of us and in our relationships.
Treat Yourself Well
So if you’re currently struggling with the longing and pining stage, pull out a pen and paper and make yourself a list. Better yet write it in a notebook or journal. You’ll be amazed at how you feel as time goes on. It’s great to have a record, a snapshot in time if you will.
What did you value and not value about the relationship?
How did you feel around this person?Did you get treated with love, respect and kindness.
Were there any things you did or didn’t do, (or say for that matter), which may have resulted in a different outcome?
BREAK UPS ARE GOOD!
I often say that “break ups happen for the highest good of all concerned,…at least eventually”. (You may or may not subscribe to that belief, but it’s a real truism in my life).
Unfortunately for most of us, we seldom feel that way in the initial hours, days, weeks and sometimes months. Often we can’t see the bigger picture, so we end up spending an exhaustive amount of time staring at the proverbial “closed door” instead of looking at our newly-opened window, metaphorically speaking.
The longer we spend wishing we could win our ex back in some way – the less time we are productively healing, growing, learning in order to make us better people for our next relationship…be that with our ex or someone new who is a better long term fit.
If you’re someone wishing they could reunite with their ex, take a moment, just a moment to picture yourself on down the road, over it. How does that look to you? How does that feel?
After more than eleven years of running soyouvebeendumped.com - I no longer believe in the “One”. I believe we have many soul mates, people we connect with deeply – sometimes romantically, sometimes even just spiritually.
Every relationship is a good one, a success, in my eyes. Even the short lived ones. Even the ones that crashed and burned in a painful fashion – because in each experience is the seed for positive growth if we chose to look at them that way.
I am a firm believer that only those who actually want to get over it, do get over it. Some people will chose to pine for an ex, to almost martyr-proportions. When I was younger, I used to be one of them.
Now though, I am better at letting go with gratitude for the experience. As a result, there is a lot less sadness or drama in my life.
You choose to do whatever works for you. Just continue to heal, grow, forgive (yourself and your ex) and learn from it all, that’s my only recommendation. Bear in mind every ending is always a new beginning. Life is not over, only life as you knew it might be. The world is indeed your oyster, so make the most of it.
Nicely put Aunty T.
I’ve just had a 4-month relationship end (with someone who was one of my best friends) and, although I still feel pretty sore about it, there’s no way this is going to turn me into the emotional wreck I was a decade ago (where I really made a complete idiot of myself!!
Onwards and upwards!!
x
Oh Phoenix I am sorry to hear this. It ended up being a distance relationship didn’t it? These things do hurt but yes you’re right we’ve, by now, learned the much needed skill of resilience, haven’t we. We’re down right experts by now. Big hugs. x
I got dumped after an 11 year relationship. We are not young, he is 61 and I am 57. (I divorced my loving wonderful husband to be with him.)
The pain was more than I thought I could bear. We spoke up to 20 times a day, and then nothing. We have been apart now for a year. I believe he cheated, and left me for someone else although he denied it. His closing line was “I don’t have the same feelings for you” That’s it.
I hurt so bad and still hurting a year later. Is this ever going to end? I have written and mailed numerous letters to him, letting him know how he hurt me. I blocked his email changed my phone number, but STILL I have that hope. God help me.
I do feel that life is over for me. 11 years up in smoke. I’m getting therapy to address my abandonment issues but I am alone, few real friends, my daughter grown and moved away and the rest of my family in Australia. Have thought about ending it all, but too much of a coward. Besides, my daughter would never forgive me.
I tell myself if only he would find me and ask me to come back….such an idiot!
Dee, I am so sorry to hear your story. Eleven years seems like an eternity. And yes it’s hard to imagine ever bouncing back from anything like that but you will in spite of yourself.
One year to get over something that last eleven is really not much in the great scheme of things…Life isn’t over for you only life as you KNEW it. I think it’s GREAT you’re getting some help with abandonment issues. In some ways I think most of us have some of those. They just manifest different in each of us!
I hope you’ve stopped mailing letters to him. He gets it. He hurt you. Constant letters like that will only serve to re-enforce his decision to walk away. What would you rather do if he no longer felt love for you in the same way? Fake it. Cheat on you behind your back? It sounds like he had the decency to end it, instead of betraying you.
It’s not been a waste of time – presumably you had some wonderful times in there – trips, some great sex, some nice meals, some truly wonderful moments – and just because HE is gone from you life doesn’t negate them. Or it might temporarily but you can reclaim them any time you choose.
I got left by the so-called love of my life back in 99. We had several, what I would class as wonderful years, together before he ran off with a work colleague. I was devastated, just like you are, beyond belief…but as time moved on – I was able to look back with gratitude for the times we shared together.
People fall in and out of love every day. It’s not a crime – it just feels like it to the one being left.
I suspect his “I don’t feel the same anymore” was really code for “I fell for someone else”. I might be wrong but people don’t tend to just go from something to nothing. Particularly men – though women too of course.
In any event – keep doing the therapy. Write in a journal – the highs and lows of your recovery. When I read back to my journals of 99 it’s like a totally different woman wrote them, I guess in many ways – she did. I am not that gal.
I’ve had many friends through SYBD who were married 10, 15, 20, 25 years and who felt like you do right now and they all got over them. One of my dear friends in her 50s, got cheated on by a husband of 25 years, and is now in a new relationship with a man who she feels is her soul mate.
If you want to get over it, be happy again and even love again. You will.
Start with yourself and work your way out. Start being a loving kind friend to you, then start to attract other friends, and eventually it is likely you will love again, if you decide to take the risk.
Take care xx
Oh Thea thank you for those wonderful positive words of kindness, I dont feel so alone after I read your reply.
The last time I talked to him back in April, he said he wasnt with anyone and just needed to be alone, didn’t want a relationship because between his mother, who is dying, and his job, he has no time for himself. Perhaps he got dumped
I have tried to date, but I dont think I’m ready,my heart is just not in it. He was my whole life, was so vested in our relationship, spoiled me rotten. He had no children, is a loner, recovering drug addict and alcoholic with 2 marriages behind him, and now me. I cant forgive him, not yet.
I cant wish him well, because I want him to hurt as I have. Is that wrong? Maybe in time..
Thanks you again Thea, knowing others have let go and moved on at some point gives me hope.
Dee
You will have to forgive him, and wish him well, in due course – in order to move on, Dee. We do this for US not for them. The longer you hold on to any pain, hurt, anger, resentment, vengeance etc – the longer you tie yourself to him. Holding on to that sort of thinking is why you’re not starting to feel better after a YEAR, hon.
So his love for you faded, changed, ended – whatever.
Have you never had that happen? Did you not leave a man you no longer loved? You divorced him? You left him for another man?
We all lose love at one time or another – it’s not a crime – it’s just a REAL DRAG when it happens.
He doesn’t sound a bad guy at all really. He’s got a lot on his plate, he’s struggling to cope with life, well, he sounds like you! Heck he sounds like me.
I prescribe some Byron Katie – start to watch her videos on YouTube. No one has changed my thinking more in my entire life than she has. If I am starting to have torturous thoughts – I put on one of her CDs – such as “I Need Your Love, Is that True?” and it brings my thinking full circle again.
That anger you feel…I suspect some of it is misdirected at him…when it’s really at yourself.
Anger is a wily emotion…often who/what we think we’re angry at, we really aren’t.
You take care and keep on keeping on. You’re getting a bit better each day you just can’t see it yet that’s all. You are though!
This was a very useful article to read, thankyou.
I am only 17 (nearly 18) and have just broken up with my first boyfriend of a year and a half. Like you said, it is hard at such a young age to not pine over your ex.. which is what i have been doing! It seems impossible that i could ever be with anyone else.
Your advice has helped though, i guess it is sortof the relationship i miss.. only time will tell xx
One thing that is challenging about the first heartbreak is you have no gauge to measure this heartbreak against. But you will get past this and either reconnect with this person on down the road a bit or a new guy will come in, in time. There will be others who will come and go from your life. Ebb and flow. I am glad you felt the advice helped a bit. It’s natural to pine a little. It takes time to process a loss of any kind, so be chilled to yourself. You’re gonna get through this hon.
I’m gald that I have “stumbled” across this website.
I have been separated now for almost 5 months after being married for 8 years. We have 1 child together. My wife also came to me out of the blue telling me she no longer loves me “as a wife should” and have not for the last 4 years. Also, she feels that she made a mistake to marry me…
This has been an extremely difficult time for me as I am struggeling to accept it. I’m struggeling to accept that she is moving on with life (and rightly so). It almost feels like I’m being left behind while she is moving on. She already met someone(at work) before she told me it is over. Although she insists that she is not leaving me because of him…To be honest I kinda believe her…BUT still…this in it’s self is VERY difficult to deal with, knowing that she is with someone else.
My feelings are all over the place…from OK to horribly emotional. Very difficult to focus on work…there are days where I just want to lay in bed and not get up. Where I just want to be with myself and cry and cry…
Everyday is a battle…from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed all I think of is her…what she is doing, who she is with…what can I do to get her to love me again…feeling guilty about the past…trying to convince myself that it is over…etc..etc..etc..everyday the same old story.
I’m not angry with her (strangely) as I know that I dont want someone to be with me if they do not love me…at the same time I want to be angry at her…I want to hate her…I want to never see her…and yet I want her to be happy as well.
As with DeeDee, we used to talk on the phone 4-5 times a day and suddenly it is all gone. It is difficult to know that she does not need you anymore. That suddenly she does not care what I do, where I do it and with who I do it…I feel so alone…doesnt matter if there are 50 people around me. I’m scared of the future…I’m scared I will be alone…
I know I have doing the wrong thing over the last couple of months trying to convince her to give us another go…but it is SO HARD not to. Everytime I see her, I just want to tell her how much I love her etc etc etc. At the moment we cannot have a “normal” discussion about general things. Sooner or later I will start to talk about “us”. Through all of this she has been supportive…she has been there for me…
I will go fo therapy starting this Friday…will see how it goes…all I know is, sooner or later I will have to accept and move on…although a BIG part of me is figting what is currently happening…
Thanks for the artical…it does make one think!
no i dont think i would trust him again for how he diid me but ,however i will not let me hinder me in anyway possible.
Hello Leon,
I am so sorry to hear your story. I know it’s a struggle. Some days we struggle to cope and other days seem almost OK. I am sorry also she chose to say she should have never married you. How insensitive! But I tend to be one who thinks things go EXACTLY as they’re supposed to whether we like it or not. I think there was no “mistake” in your union or you child. It went precisely as long it should have.
You had NO CONTROL over it ending my dear, but you have COMPLETE CONTROL in what you choose to do with that decision.
You can be victim, sleeping all day, drinking too much (don’t even know if you drink – LOL) or basically living life as a pity party.
Or you can choose to make new choices – get healthy, get happy, and back moving on, in your own time, or way! Travel. Start a business. Be the kind of man your child can be proud of and any woman would be glad to be with. You know?
This as harsh as it seems in these early months – is a total OPPORTUNITY to grow and learn. It’s not the end of the world like it sometimes seems.
So no more begging. Force yourself to get out – to the gym, the movies, see friends whatever.
Take some baby steps to moving on and your body will follow!
Hi thea
Thank you for thse “words of wisdom”. I will be printing this and keep with me to read on a daily basis.
Thanks
Leon
I jus suddenly got dumped by a guy that I was actually best friends w/ for over 8 yrs..n I even knew him as kids…He helped me through so much even my divorce in which I was married 4 10 yrs..we had started datin but it only lasted a yr…He gave me reasons I still don’t understand and jus anytime I have a second 2 think or something reminds me of him which seems like everything..i jus keep askin myself y? Y was I not good enough? Y doesn’t he love me anymore? How does sum1 jus change their mind n stop lovin sum1? I really do want us to remain friends but seems like he’s fine w/ everythin n I’m still in love? I keep thinkin he will change his mind? But I now am realizing he’s not going to n I honestly feel as if he’s already talkin to someone else already? It really hurts cuz 4 so many yrs he was the 1 I called 1st about anything good or bad..and now I can’t..ive tried To tell him, I need time cause I don’t kno if I can b his friend and he says that’s ok and he will b there when I’m ready…n then a few days later I message again..i kno ppl say delete the number but will it b for good? Because that scares me.
Hi there. I am sorry to hear your relationship has ended and that you don’t understand his reasons for leaving. Of course when things slow you think of him. If you’re anything like you’ll find he’s the last thing that you think about at night and the first thing each morning – and every hour of every day…at least for a while. Thankfully after time passes that does too…and it’s a great day, that day you realise you’ve not thought of them for an hour, a few hours or even a day. A truly brilliant feeling.
Stop asking those horrible questions – seldom in cases like this is a case of not being “good enough” or anything being being wrong with you. His feelings didn’t suddenly change for you – more likely they were changing for a long time before he finally spoke to you about them. So it seemed over night to you but it was likely – a slow detachment process for many weeks or even months for him.
In a way, I see your story as this guy being a bit of an angel for you who helped you through a challenging time. I am sure he loves you on some level but it sounds like not in the way one should to have a long term relationship. It’s unfortunate but not a crime.
Truly you will appreciate our new Tutorial video going live soon…it’s about being friends with an EX!
I suspect, if you want to, when you do some healing and no longer want more from him, you might just get your ole friend back. But give it some time. Find some other people to lean on in challenging times and to share your victories when good thing happen.
Delete his number for now. It honestly won’t be forever. Assuming he ended it with respect, and he’s the kind of person you do truly want in your life, you’ll be able to be friends again. So do hang in there.
Find a friend you can text when you feel that desperate need to contact him. He won’t forget you ok? S
Fear not…x
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a year ago, My ex ended our relationship and the next 2 weeks he already got the new one. We never meet&talk again until now. But somehow i still think about him and want him back to me. What should i do?
K, it’s been a year? And you still want to plan to win him back? Sadly that’s not how it works. While I don’t think you should necessarily be “over it” but I’d hope you want to be “over it” by now and be doing things to heal and move on.
I understand missing him and wanting him back – but you will be MOST ATTRACTIVE to him if you are seen to be happy, moving on keeping busy.
I wish I could give you some magical advice but I really can’t. I am not sure anyone can. You probably think of him because there is not someone else new and fun for you think about it. It is probably not HIM you miss but more the idea of him. If someone else was around, calling, going out with, kissing (etc) – your ex would not likely be on your mind in such a way after a year.
Maybe you will end up together one day and maybe you won’t – but my advice is to get out there, meet new people, travel, work hard, L I V E and either your ex or someone even better will come alone,…eventually. Take care K
Thea, your advise is helpfull. I have just moved out of our house 3 days ago. Married for 15yrs and dated since high school. She is the only relationship I have ever had. She told me she needs some space that she isn’t sure how she feels about me anymore. We have three kids and it kills me to not see them everyday. Like leon all I do is think about her. One minute I am fine and the next I can’t stop crying. She said she would go to counselling and that she doesn’t want to throw away all we had but that she isn’t sure if that will help. I don’t want to give up on our relationship. If I have to get over her I am worried that I won’t want to try again if i’m even given the opprotunity. Do I hold out hope that everything will work out, or do I try to move on?
J it’s a big bad scary world out there from where you’re standing. The mind creates all kinds of stories (which is what makes you cry). This fear you won’t see your kids enough, get your ex back, love again, be able to cope – all of it…Tell me what the reason for splitting was. I mean “space” is a bit of code that can be hard to define. Did she give you specifics of stuff she can’t handle about the relationship or things you do or say? Can you take a cold, hard look at your role in the relationship/marriage and honestly assess your behaviour and attitudes? I mean were you too clingy? Were you too distant? Did you guys argue a lot? If so what about? Has she changed in the way she looks, talks, what she does? “Space” can mean there is someone else or it can me “you’re bugging the crap out of me so I no longer know how I feel about you”.
My answer to your question is a little of both I guess. I’d start focusing on you – being a great father, working hard, being the best you can be in all areas of your life – work/fatherhood/fitness/growth – etc.
The fact she’d consider counseling – COULD bode well. Or it could be her way to appease her guilt for ending things, I don’t know. Time will tell.
Of course all you do is think about her – it’s been a matter of days (weeks?) since all of this kicked off. 15 years is a long time to have to process. I personally find break ups a great time to re-assess. I mean you’ll be in your early thirties as a guess? It’s a perfect time to do a LIFE AUDIT. Sit down with a piece of paper and write down what’s working and what’s not in your life. things about yourself you’d like to change or improve upon. Again across the board – not just with the “relationship box” but all of it. Somewhere around here I have a blog on the grid of lifeby Susan Jeffers who wrote the famous book FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. In that she talks about nine boxes – a Grid of Life that we need to make sure we have a broad spectrum of entries in each box. Sorta like not putting all of your eggs in one basket (eg. work or relationship – which is what most people do)…
Hon, what I am saying is use this “downtime” as it were to work on you. It may or may not mean it helps you reconcile with your wife, but all that effort will benefit you in every area of your next life and with a new woman on down the road.
Be the kind of guy a woman would want to be with and be the kind of dad every kid would be proud of. No small feat I know but worth the effort.
Good luck and keep me posted ok?
Thea
Thanks for responding. Just to follow up with your questions. Yes, I was clinging. I don’t think to the point of over bearing, but yes I was clinging. I had a problem with anger and yelling at the kids, and her at times. All this came to a head in June and I took steps to stop that behavior. She went to visit her dad, with the kids, in June for about 5 weeks which gave me time to work on myself. Over the last 6 weeks in think I did a 180. I had 1 bad day where I yelled but the way that made me feel I can honestly say it would never happen again. She said she is worried that things will just go back to the way were. She has lost a lot of weight. She looks great (she has always looks great to me). Thanks for the help. I just have to find ways to stay busy. Joined a gym yesterday, that’s a start I guess.
I am so broken. I was with my ex girlfriend for 3 years..we broke up a year ago..I ended up checkin myself into the mental hosp I was so sad..she.ended up meeting a new girl and getting a restraining order on me because i would text her mean things out of hurt. 2 months after she got the order on me she message me and said she missed me and wanted to give me closure like I had been begging for. We ended up getting back together a day later and had been together another year.she promised me she would never up and leave me without answers.again. well after a yr bak together we ended up arguing a lot and decided to try couples therapy..it was helping..but 2 months in we got in a big fight and my mouth went faster than my head and I said its over and left..within 5 min I came back and she was gone..I called and begged her to come back..she had nothing nice to say and just talked about how I complained to much.and.was always mad..so i ignored her for 3 days during.those 3 days she apologized.and told me how she was so sad withput me and loved me sending me sad pix of.the.dog. so I gave in-well now she wanted nothin to do w me..I would beg hee to talk to me and let me take her on a.date.she would say yes and quickly.change her mind..til it.finally.blew up and we had it.out bad I.wanted her.to.feel my pain.and I knew I could only.do that.thru her fam so in my anger I.told her brothers girlfriend about him cheating. Since then she has wanted NOTHING to do w me..which I can understand. She blocked my number and tells me she’s over me and she’s happy.and I should move on too. She would talk to me thru MySpace and I would beg her to block me so i couldn’t.write her anymore bc she would tell me it annoyed her. But she would not block me. I had ignored her for a few days again and what does she do..posts trying.to keep my head up on her myspace when.she knows I’m her only friend on.there..so the only one who.sees it. So.of course I.message her. Just to be ignored. I then by accident found her Twitter page two days ago..and found that.she is dating and possibly.falling in love with a girl she went to.school with..I don’t know if she was cheating or what bc when.I would go.see my.ex at school this.girl always.asked about.our relationship and seemed so sneaky. Now they are together. My ex and I hasn’t even.been.broken.up for 2 months.and I know they had started within.a few weeks of our split..if.not before. I just.don’t get how one.can.move on.so.quickly. I can’t even.think.about being w another woman. How is it so easy for her…and she is so happy. I made a.fool of myself and message her tellin her how her new girl was ugly.and that I.know she.couldn’t be.into her..and she said she wants nothing to do w me is over me and for me to leave her alone and move on. So here I am again.w so many.questions and no answers..just how she promised me she would never leave me again..I beg her.for answers n.she.won’t. I cant help but.hope that it will be like last time and she.will come running back..but I don’t see it.happening.this.time bc she.seems so happy. Now I won’t leave my house bc I can’t bear running into.them..its a.small town and only 1 gay bar..she lives a hour away but her new girl lives here..so they hang out here. I have no friends..nothing..it was like she.got.to run home to a life I wasn’t a part of…no memories while I’m stuck n the house we lived in…with the.friends and.fam we Hung out with…while she has her old friends n her fam who I was never really around and now she has to be with a.girl n the same city n go.to.the same bar. I feel so lost and alone. I miss her so much. When I first met her I thought she was the most beautiful girl I.had ever.met..and 4 years later when.we got.together I was like y would she.want me..she’s so pretty and smart and rich and popular. So I feel like that was a.once.n a life opportunity and ill nev find another like her. I don’t understand why she had to give.it up when counseling was good.and.I.was.changing.for.the better. I am crazy one min I msg her sayin how I miss her and the next how I’m Going to make her life hell and tell her.new.girls parents she’s gay.and all that. I just don’t know how.to feel bc I’m so hurt and angry that her feelings just disappeared. I have.not eaten or left my couch for 3 days…I can only cry. I just want her back. Any advice would help please.
S, I am sorry to hear your story. I wonder if it was a pal of yours writing all that was just written what you would advise her…? You sound like you could use some time to work on you, be productive, get fit, study/work hard, do things that build confidence. If you’re honest with yourself you’re not being the kind of girl that a girl would want to be with. Now that’s good to know because you can work on that. You can change that. You can continue to do therapy – with a professional or through readings / teachings. You can continue to grow into a confident, happy, self-actualised woman and it doesn’t need to be the end of your world. It’s HIGHLY unlikely this gal was a once in a life time opportunity. Truly. It may feel like it right now because it’s only been two months but it’s true.
I’ve had so many young woman in your EXACT situation. All of them bounced back to something better. But right now you don’t sound like the type of person anyone would want to stay with too long – do you? Being “crazy” and “vindictive” and “flighty” and “mean”. This isn’t about her or this break up this is something that goes further back than this. High School or even before maybe?
Where did the hurt come from? The fear? The experience that would cause you to cling so badly to someone who wanted to leave? While this is no doubt the most painful (or one of them) you’ve been through it’s an AMAZING opportunity for your growth because it’s rock bottom moments that cause the impetus for us to make changes and take action.
Before you go messaging her again – think “Is this the kind of behaviour I’d want in my life? Would I be happy with someone I broke up with to be doing this?”
Any messages you send her just brings her and her new girlfriend together. Picture them getting the messages and reading and laughing at you. Does that not want to STOP you sending them? I hope it does.
Never pine for someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You have to know your own worth and live with that. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. This girl wasn’t your only KEY to it. She’s, by the sounds of it, been a wonderful teacher for you and a catalyst for change.
She’s gone. She’s moved on. You accept that now and move on too. You have no control over her or anyone else you can only be responsible for you and your feelings and actions ok?
The best revenge is living well. So do the hard work on yourself and become that kind of girl you’re capable of becoming. Become the woman that other people want to be around. The sane one. The funny one. The empathetic one. The happy one.
Dry your tears and start to move on now. Take a few positive steps. Plant some seeds for the future. Join a gym, learn a new skill, book a trip, do some writing, painting, music, apply for a job….just do something positive for you. Channel that pain, angst, fear of unworthiness into something great. I know you can do it!
Get back into counselling so if you get back with her or meet someone new – it benefits you! x
J, how are you doing? How are you getting on with the gym and the anger stuff? You say you had one bad day – and she had done an 180. I don’t think it’s about that. Her so-called fears of things going back the way there were – sorta sounded like a convenient excuse. You know? We’re complex beings and sometimes we say things and do things and we don’t even understand why. That goes for her, you and me too! I just hope you’re doing ok and keeping busy. Keep working on you J – it’s the best possible thing you can do for all concerned! & it’s pretty much the only thing you can do
Thea thanks so much for checking on me. Two weeks now and actually breathing a little easier. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The gym is good. I am starting to love to run. I am backing off and giving her space. The kids are handling this better than I thought they would. Time will tell. It’s been a really long time since I have put myself first, and this definitely takes some getting use to. Thanks again for your advise, it really helps.
Your article was really good, this website is great. Thankyou.
I was dumped about a week ago. We’d been together over 2.5 years, but had been best friends for 5 years before that. We parted on okay terms – he just felt like something had changed and he wanted to go back to being friends. We’d always said that if anything happened we’d try to keep our friendship intact afterwards. It doesn’t stop it hurting any less, and i know it’s going to take time before we can see each other as friends only. I’ve had some really helpful chats with my mum and my (girl) best friend. Talking to them & distracting myself has really helped, and after the first couple of days, i’ve started feeling a little better. Not good, but better. I don’t feel like my whole world is collapsing so much any more.
However, he’s already going through a guilt period where he won’t stop contacting me, telling me he’s made a mistake and wants me back. I have too much respect for myself to allow myself to go back to him after he hurt me, but it is just killing me that even though he was the one who ended it, he is chasing me, still telling me he loves me etc. I want to have some space from him, to concentrate on me, to be able to get over our relationship, to accept the memories and the fantastic times we’ve had, so that i can be friends with him again. But he isn’t helping at all. He’s just making this even harder for me, as the friendship part of me hates to see him so hurt and vulnerable, but i know that i can’t help him, because it’s me he’s upset about. We need time, but he’s trying to contact me everyday.
I know it’s been really hard for us to be separated, we texted and talked multiple times every day, we were quite inseparable. It’s been a real shock to my system, and apparently, he wasn’t quite expecting the shock to his.
I think I’m okay with getting over the break up, but i just don’t know what to do about how he is acting now. The more he is chasing me, the more i’m getting frustrated and angry, which i don’t want to be.
Thankyou if you’ve read all this, i feel like i just needed to let go a little bit about it all.
If anybody else has experienced anything along these lines, please feel free to give me any advice on how to handle it.. i’m just stumped.
Hi hon. Sorry about this. It’s a challenge when we need time / space – and your ex won’t give you that space. Maybe you could send the link to the Can Exes Be Friends on our homepage at soyouvebeendumped.com
Seriously though. . .
>> He’s just making this even harder for me, as the friendship part of me hates to see him so hurt and vulnerable, but i know that i can’t help him, because it’s me he’s upset about. We need time, but he’s trying to contact me everyday.
I fully agree and what happens when you say that to him? Just tell him you love him and miss him too but you need some time to heal a bit. That if you’re meant to be together in the future you will be.
You don’t need to take on any guilt or his hurt. You have your own healing to contend with. You have love and concern and respect for each other and that won’t change. Just tell him to give you space and not to contact you for a wee while unless it’s an emergency you know? That you love and care for him but now is not the time to be buddies.
Then tell him to watch the exes and friends tutorial I did
You hang in there ok?
thea
Thea I wanted to give you an update. My wife and started councling about a month ago. We have been talking about things we never discussed before like what we want for ourselves and how to be better for our kids. It has been pretty amazing. I was scepticle at first but it has really worked wonders. We were apart for 10 weeks and that time I had to reflect really helped me to understand what I wanted and needed for myself, as well as my family. We still have work to do but I am happy to report that I moved back home this week. I guess the time away did help her to realize that she does love me and wants me in her life. It’s been kinda funny we are like teenagers again and can’t keep our hands off each other. Thanks for your advice. I did learn that I need to love myself before I can love others. Thanks again.
great site. so on xmas night my gf of 1year cheated on me. when we first met we fell in love fast,moved in 2gether and were inseparable. we both love 2 drink but when she does,she looses control and does stupid things.she slept with some1 else. she told me what happened the next morning and that it happened once before with some1 else. we were very close and i even forgave her and offered 2 help her with her issues.she hates herself and waz the happiest she had ever been before that night. but is afraid to hurt me again so has moved out with no contract im having trouble letting her go becos i hate her deep down,but i feel it was out of her control and 1 stupid night has ruind my life. we were BOTH so happy.im 31 and i just want the pain 2 stop im not coping at all
Hi Karl, thanks for the feedback, but sorry you’re hurting so much that you were searching for support. I know you’re hurting like hell. It does hurt to think that someone we love so much can be so cavalier with our hearts. We take it all so personally when it may or may not have ANYTHING to do with us. By that I mean on some level she could be feeling, deep down, not worthy or not ready for such a serious relationship – so she self sabotages it. The thing is this happened not once but more than once. Past behavior is not always an indication of future behavior but it’s often one. Do you really want to keep forgiving and keep getting cheated on? I suspect not. And you won’t be able to “help” her or anyone else – she needs to do that herself. You can listen, you can be there for someone but at the end of the day you can’t make the choose their actions.
Is she much younger than you? Say early 20s? She sounds perhaps as thought she is. You just need to work through the hate, and release the whole experience. That “one stupid night” has NOT ruined your life it only FEELS like it has. It only will if YOU let it. Her shagging someone else was out of yoru control but what you do with the experience from this moment on is within YOUR control.
If you set your aim to – get passed this, to be happy, to move on to love again (in time) – then that is what will happen. Alternatively you can remain angry, hurt, bitter, resentful, untrusting, etc. That’s down to you.
If you were “BOTH SO HAPPY” then I suspect she’d probably not have done it. She’d not have been so easily tempted – alcohol or no alcohol. Sure it impairs your judgement but on some level she KNEW what she was doing.
If she hates herself – she’ll keep on doing things to punish herself. You can’t FIX someone’s self esteem as much as you want to do so. The trick will be not to let this experience RUIN yourself esteem. This is not about you. OK please hang in there. x
thanks 4 the fast reply. yes she is 24, and you make alot of sense. realistically i could never feel the same about her.i just cant handle the thought of her and i apart. i guess the 1 thing thats stoping me from going insane is the fact that she most likely would do this again. if i had a time machine, wud i go back to stop her cheating? or wud i go 4wd 2 where this pain is over? at the moment, id go back. but then sooner or later id be back here. im tired
Your post, though short there, was interesting. It made me pause for thought. That dichotomy – of not being able think about being apart with someone and yet not being able to accept getting cheated on (again and again). It’s a tough one. Part of you wants to go back, of course (and may still do so) and the other half knows it might be for your highest good in the long run (you might end up back here all over again). History repeating itself. You hang in there. Allow yourself a bit of time to grieve this loss of “what might have been” and then start to force yourself to get out there, connect with the world etc. OK? x
she just called me to say shes coming over in 2 days 2 collect her things. she asked how i was etc, i told her not good and that id deleted her numbers but left it at that. my hart just sunk afterwards and am shaking as i type.hearing her voice brought it all back. inside i wanted 2 beg her 2 come home but it wouldnt have worked. i wanted her 2 give me any sign of hope. i wont be here when she comes becos i cudnt handle it and dont know who will be with her 2 help her move(i was the 1 who helped her pick up things from her ex when we moved in 2gether) i cud tell she wanted 2 talk a bit, but i cudnt handle it. shes moving on and im so sad and angry
My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me. We were together for 8 months but then he took a job offer overseas. The relationship at the time wasn’t quite established, we were both very guarded due to past relationships, so things were going quite slow in hindsight. He moved overseas and after 6 weeks we got back together because we missed each other and thought we could give long distance a try. After 4 months we were arguing a lot, we were trying to speak everyday, but it would lead to fights (‘you don’t care’ etc). He broke up with me and I was devastated. After the break up we didn’t speak, it took me a while to feel even slightly normal again.
After 2 months he emailed to say he had something important to tell me and wanted to speak. I thought something had happened to his family (his grandma is old) and so I met up with him as he was passing through my city for work. He wanted to get back together and make things work. He knew he loved me and realised I was never convinced about his feelings as he is a very closed person. He wanted me to move overseas to be with him.
We got back together, I let the past stay in the past. We worked on our communication and opening up to each other. We saw each other every month as he would travel a bit for work passing through my city. We went on long holidays together, I went and stayed with him for 2 weeks. I was very open to him but he is naturally a emotionally distant guy. It took him 1.5 years to say I love you. It did bother me it took that long, but I know he meant it every time he said it. I have found out that he has the Avoidant Attachment style. With me being on the slightly Anxious Attachment style, it caused a lot of fighting. When we would have some issues or fight, he took it quite personally. He thought that relationships shouldn’t be so difficult and couples don’t fight (He’s 30 and it was his first long-term girlfriend, all others were 3 months max). Despite this we still got along and loved each other deeply. We cared about each other and despite our long distance relationship, we spoke to each other everyday. I moved to the US to be with him in September. However I had to leave after a few months as I couldn’t find a job that would sponsor me.
We went on holiday together for his birthday and wanted to speak about ‘the future.’ I asked him to bring it up when he felt ready to speak about it. He finally brought it up on our last night. It turned into a big fight. I wanted to discuss our options but he didn’t really want to talk about it. I wanted for us to have some idea of what we were doing, but he shut down almost. I told him I wanted reassurance that everything would be ok. I had a phone interview lined up in the US and I wanted to talk about what would happen if I didn’t get the job, so we could start planning for other options to be together. Just after Christmas he decided to break up.
His main reason was that he did not feel confident being a good boyfriend. He didn’t think he made me happy (I think from the fighting). Also he is quite a closed person, it takes a while for him to open up and I used to ask him to talk to me more and I guess ‘change’ him, but then I realised I couldn’t change him and just accepted him the way he was. He never thought he had emotional issues. He doesn’t have close friends, he keeps everyone at arm’s length, he’s social but everyone’s just a good aquantaince/work collegeaue). He said I know him better than anyone else and he’s opened up to me as much as he could but he needs to work on himself and that it was unfair to still be with him. He felt bad that he couldn’t even reassure me things would be ok and that his self-doubt needs to be fixed before he could offer me anything. He said it wasn’t me, that I’ve been the most loving and patient girlfriend and he’s sorry he’s so ****** up.
We spoke a few days later when I found some info Attachment styles. We spoke about it and I suggested he get some counselling to help him express and deal with his supressed emotions. He mentioned that maybe in a couple of years he could be a better boyfriend and he would be confident enough to move back to my city to be with me (for him that would be a big move, he;s generally quite cautious and career-wise it would be going backwards for him). I was hoping that he would do that to, but is that just stupid pipe dream fantasy? Wouldn’t that it would hold me back from moving on. I shouldn’t be thinking this should I? I love him dearly and we thought we’d spend the rest of our loves together.
Sorry for the ramble, any insights or thoughts would be appreciated. Also, he’s 30 and I’m 32
How are you doing? Did she get her stuff? You’re gonna move on too. Hang in there. Just break it down into five minute blocks if you have to. Or one hour ones. If you think too far into the future in the RAW stage you’re going to paralyse yourself (mentally). It’s scary and over whelming so just try to handle one moment at a time. x
no she hasnt yet. she is probably 2 busy with some1 else. its harder 2 move on knowing she’ll be back at some stage 2 get her stuff. i need a clean break, but thats life i suppose. it doesnt help that i keep hearing from other people that she was struggling not 2 cheat on me every time she got drunk, i kind of believe that she may have done exactly that. this has been the worst time of my life, but i know it will get better.
>> she was struggling not 2 cheat on me every time she got drunk,
Off tell your friends to shut up
And in a way that will probably make it easier on down the road because I mean would you really want to still be with someone who’s so wishy washy? I’ve never cheated on a guy in my life, (nor have I been drunk) so we’re not all like that!
There will be a gal who will adore you and find it easy to stay faithful to you. I am guessing you ought to partner up with someone who’s been cheated on too and who knows how it feels enough to know they’d not want to do that to someone else! Hang in there Karl x
thank u so much thea. i have no doubt that over the years you have literally saved many lives. im looking 4wrd 2 reading my old comments down the road sometime so i can see just how upset i am at this point in my life, and how things can change 4 the better as time passe.
Im struggling a bit with the break up, going up and down. My ex and I spoke last week and he’s started to work on his issues. He has a greater awareness of how closed he is and is considering therapy. I can’t be there for him anymore, I shouldn’t hold on to the hope that we will get back together. I just have to move on. I like this one that thea wrote:
If you want to get over it, be happy again and even love again. You will.
It’s up to me and I can make the break up as good or bad as I want it to be.
My girlfriend of 6 years finished with me 4 weeks ago. We had lived apart for 3 years as she was undertaking a PHD, although we did see each other often. I spent New Years with her and there was no sign of what was to come, 4 days after i had a phonecall saying her feelings had changed and she has come to see me more of a friend. A 20 min conversation on the phone after 6 years, and a week before my birthday, and it was over, thats what hurts the most.
She was really insecure and needed constant reassurance that i wouldnt leave her whilst she was away studying, i didnt, and was the utmost gent and did everything i could for her. However by the end of her studies she seemed to have changed a bit, she wasnt as loving, become more interested in herself and a bit distant etc. She is adament that there isnt anyone else or anyone on the horizon, her Best Friend says the same too. I really dont know why she didnt tell me earlier so we could work on it. She said she tried to make things change but something wasnt working anymore.
I am finding the break up hard to be honest. I wrote an email asking her to really think about the decision and would ring her in a couple of weeks for an honest chat, the answer was still the same.
I’m doing the NC thing at the moment, but we were so close its really difficult. It just seems that she isnt affected by the breakup as she hasnt tried contacting me. Although she is adement she wants me to remain a big part of her life as a friend, sounds all too cliched i know. I would love to get back but i have to move on i guess, and not wait by the phone for the call that will never arrive. We are both 27.