- Departures
One of my favorite threads over the past decade here on SYBD was the “How, When and Where Were You Dumped?” thread. It was a long-running thread where people told their personal stories of being dumped in random locations:- like in supermarkets, planes, in cars, in bed, on the sofa, in restaurants, in car parks, in the bath tub – the list goes on and on.
TIMING:
They were left at random times too, such as, on their birthday, over the holidays such as the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s period, when pregnant, during their exams, on vacation, in the hospital, or on the oh-so-beloved Valentine’s Day.
METHODS:
They were dumped on over the phone, by text, by email, over instant messages, on Post-Its (yes even before Sex and the City ever wrote that into their story line, it was on here,…) one young girl was even dumped by her ex’s mother!
DISSED BY DISAPPEARANCE:
Some people don’t even get the courtesy of a “goodbye” the person just vanishes. That is not at all a pleasant experience and leaves the one being left with so many unanswered questions. That may be the worst way of being left. I’m not sure.
The thread was thirty-five pages long and was proof of how universally-bad people are when exiting their relationships.
Gay, straight, young, old, across this entire globe of ours – it doesn’t seem to matter – we’ve seen people getting it all oh-so-wrong.
NO GOOD WAY TO DUMP
I’ve been dumped over the phone (trans-Atlantic call), in bed, and my husband dumped me face-to-face at the front door as soon as I’d walked in from work one Sunday night (when I had a friend visiting from Australia). Priceless timing.
Personally, I’ve been on both sides of the dumping. I’ve learned there are no truly good ways to dump anyone. There are only less bad ways. Even I, who is arguably somewhat of an “expert” on this subject, haven’t always done it the “right” way (if there is such a thing). In the past, I’ve said cheerio over the phone, in emails (once right before Valentine’s Day! Oops), and in person too.
So nope, the fact is when it comes to leaving – no one I’ve met yet is an “expert” at it. There is always an element of pain in any parting. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye, and why so many people get it so terribly wrong.
Wrong times. Wrong places. Wrong methods.
So today’s blog post is for you - how when and where have you dumped or been dumped? Tell us your story. It’d be good if you have some examples of how you or your ex got it “right” when saying “goodbye”.
Maybe there is something that can be learned from all these so-called “wrongs”. Someday I’ll add it to my chapter on ‘Getting Goodbye Right’…
Thanks for your input!
She said she loves me and that she’ll always love me, but she just “didn’t love who we were together”. Okay so let me get this straight, If I love you and you love me (always) then we’re unlovable together? What? Clearly this doesn’t make any sense at all. It is probably a lie, or at least a kind of evasion. Maybe by this she means that she doesn’t love an image she has about our relationship, a made up idea that means something to her, which was probably a fiction and lacks the full objective realities about our relationship. What is this image or idea? And why has she been drawn to it? What makes it such a convincing representation of what our love is?
Apparently she felt that these additional questions and reflections weren’t relevant in the email she just sent me. 5 and a half years and she can’t even summon up the care to think about what she is saying to me right now? Sure, it’s upsetting, but really? You can’t get in touch with what’s really going on inside you and have the courage to be straight about it. I’ve been insistent on communication and transparency, but I think she’d rather delude herself with her tears than be responsible for her feelings and thoughts toward me.
I’m not going to say that this is entirely a ‘female’ problem, but I’d certainly say, in my experience, it is more prevalently the girl who prides her self in ‘feeling’ and having such a gentle and sensitive heart but carefully ignores her own thinking and personal choosing throughout a relationship. Senseless. Heartless. Deceptive.
All I can hear is Thom Yorke’s voice singing “Just cause you feel it, doesn’t me it’s there”. Yes well I am so green and lonely now, but after a subtly deceitful explanation as that, I can’t help but not hold her in such a high regard. I mean, come one, stop trying to keep the nice girl image and just admit that you really don’t love me and wont always love me and that you’re actually in the process of murdering something we’ve been growing for almost 6 years now. And stop crying whenever I bring these things to light, as if I had to dance around your feelings when you’re doing something like this to me.
Gosh, so two-faced and insincere. Maybe there is a girl out there who’s finally ready to engage in an authentic and vulnerable relationship, one that speaks directly the desires of her heart and actually has the strength and integrity to love an Other rather than forgetting them in their own twisted self-absortption. Maybe, I’ll just have to see…
I’m fourteen, I know you think this is too young to be in love but I’ve had bad experiences with relationships and I was wondering where I’m going wrong and how to avoid making the same mistakes? My first boyfriend was Dan. Dan told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me forever, I trusted him. I had sex with him, it was my first time. After my first time he was really quiet and I left quite early. He never spoke to me again, he didn’t even dump me, I was so hurt. My next boyfriend was Connor. We was together for a few months, we had several arguments but we always said sorry within minutes. I go to school with him and one day I didn’t go in because I was sick and I got a text saying ‘we need to have words’ so I said please don’t dump me face to face. He later messaged me saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but I never got a reason why. I asked him several times but he just ignores me and it hurts so much to see him at school everyday.
After a year and a half of dating, my ex dumped me. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first man I ever fell in love with, and we had plans to get married. He had been going through a tough time and one night I just had a feeling. In the morning I asked him if he was going to dump me, and right then and there he broke up with me… Over text… Right before my hardest final… And refused to answer his phone or see me.
I was so sure he was my soulmate… But everything happens for a reason, and who knows, someday soon I might find the perfect man for me.
He wants to be friends, and I want to to! But I jusr found out that he is dating someone else, so I have no idea what to do…
One day at a time I guess
I am sorry Sophie. I’ve been meaning to reply but am juggling many things just now.
Well 14 does seem young to be having sex to be honest, and not likely it has ever been “love” yet – more like lust. You’re certainly not alone in having sex with people that get what they want and leave. It’s pretty common all over the world. There is almost no one at 14 that can say the word “forever” and mean it about anything. Most people at 20 can’t. Heck I don’t think anyone can say and truly mean it. We don’t know how we’re going to feel, think, act or anything in our future. There is no forever. There is only the NOW.
I have been a little boy crazy my whole life and it took many years for me to have a lasting relationship (and my first sex)…I waited until I was just past 20 before I did have sex because I wanted to be with someone I knew who would be there the next day. I am glad I waited. Now you’ve done it already – so that’s fine but with the next guy – do your best to take your time. If some guy is pressuring you to have sex, no matter how much you like him – don’t do it until YOU are ready.
And always make sure you’re using protection, by that I mean condoms, because there are so many sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies going on here now. Because so many people aren’t so knowledgable so they’re passing diseases around and getting babies when they’re 15 or 16 – in many ways still babies themselves.
So please be careful will you? Go easy on yourself. Value yourself. And don’t assume there is anything wrong with you. People do what you’re describing to many people across all ages – men women gay or straight…There’s not necessarily anything “wrong” that you’re doing ok?
Just maybe focus on friends and school work just now. you have a lifetime to find that love. Just enjoy being a teen as much as you can (I know it’s hard). You’re ok hon. Just keep on keeping on. Hold your head up high and don’t show the guy you care
xxx
Well you sound great – all things considered hon! I guess there are a few good things to take away here. First it’s your attitude which impresses me quite a lot. 2nd he could have just cheated behind your back but he didn’t, he told you. He was A soul mate no doubt but not THE soul mate. I personally believe you will have many who fit that description in your life. It seldom is a case of it being “the one” no matter how much we hope and believe there is such a thing.
One day at a time – for sure yes. Friends. Maybe in time. Right now it’d be a head-f**k for either of you to try and not that great for the new person either.
You’ll love again. You’ve a great attitude that will see you through x
so a few months ago a met this guy over a dating web page – it was my first time into one of these sites- we started talking over emails, then text, facebook..eventually we agreed to meet…first day was great…im on my late 20′s and he is 32 both of us recently divorced but i dont have any kids..he does..anyway we dated for 3 months or so..he started a lil intense already making plans to take vacations together..he introduced me to his kids but as a babysitter – i know now that i should of have run after that- then in the last month he started to become distant and i also found out that his profile on the dating page was still activated in fact he was checking it on daily basics..i finally got the courage and asked him if everything was k…- he was the one asking me to be “exclusive”- and he went on saying yea we are cool no worries…we even spent all thanksgiving weekend together..i made dinner for us and some of his friends…then around xmas…i barely got to see him on xmas day..we only went out for dinner..no present, no nothing..after that i didnt hear from him for a week! not even a greeting on new years…by that time i pretty much assumed it was over i didnt even text or call him…i waited…i couldnt wait anymore and i sent him a text asking him what happend if everything seemed to be going so great… he even asked me to move in with him- he got a job promotion and had to leave to other state-anyway he text me back next day saying ..- it became pretty obvious you wanted more than i could give you, i need to get with you and get my drill set…..i was like wtf!!! he was the one asking to be exclusive, planning vacations together, asking me to move in w him..iv never asked for any of that..i even tried to help him and whenever he needed a babysitter i was there to help…anyway i met him to gave him his stupid drill i didnt even say a thing..actually i had my whole speech planned but when i met him he barely said hello to me ..or even looked at me..i swallowed all my words and my tears..just smile ..gave him his rusty drill – funny cus he brags about all the money he makes but then he is all whining for a rusty drill that doesnt even work- n left…i dont know what i did wrong..i really liked him, we never had a disagreement and i never asked for anything…n yes i know he is a jerk and all that but still bothers me, still hurts…that day when i saw him i felt so much pain and i felt so vulnerable … whats wrong with guys???? now im just taking a break from dating !!…oh did i mention that he even told me that he love me??? i never said anything back cus it was over text n he was away on a trip..and drinking that day so i assumed it was just the alcohol and mixed emotions cus he just got divorced…
Ahhh a drill. That’s funny. You’re hurting now but eventually you’ll be able to regal friends and acquaintances with that story. I know cos I got accused of “stealing” an “electric saw” myself. When in fact my ex just had it in some box in that house we just had bought a month prior. LOL. I also got accused of stealing CD racks which had housed my CDs for the better part of three years (he had like 10 CDs – I have about 3,000)…So I laugh now but yes it hurt at the time.
Anyway – he’s not a bad guy. Inept at dealing with emotions / communications – perhaps but not likely a “bad” guy in the great scheme of things. How long had he been single after his divorce? And yourself?
In a sitch like this we torment ourselves with memories and replaying everything trying to work out what WE did wrong when often it’s not about us. Even his saying you wanted too much etc – was just his projection onto you.
I’d just try to find the good you got out of it and take them away with you – the dates, the sex, the fun times, and be grateful you had some of them for a while.
Don’t punish yourself or berate yourself because he chose to walk….because he couldn’t handle it.
If he’s moving away then good. Good luck to him. He was your transition person and maybe you’re his. In any event I’d try to see it that it lasted as long as it was supposed to.
And the next guy you “bring in” (to your life) bring in one who can handle communication and emotions.
It’s all good. Even though it hurts right now – it’s helped your growth. It’s helped you to learn some things about yourself and about your interactions. It won’t have been a waste of time even though it stings right now.
This is NOT about you. OK? Repeat that after me “this is not about me”. It’s about HIM and what he was or was not able to handle.
Take care, Thea x
So I thought this may help the healing process…
My breakup happened over a year ago now. We had been together for 3 years, I thought I was happy, I thought it was my first love – maybe it was, or maybe my memory plays tricks on me. I received a call 4 days before my birthday after us not having spoken for around a week. It was over. No why. It just was. That was it. I practically begged, I wasn’t humiliated because I wanted to know I’d done every possible thing to save this. I did. And it didn’t make it any better, he still didn’t want to continue the relationship. I asked for him to meet me in person as I thought it would give me closure (!) , so we met, in a train station and he cried. I didn’t. It was sad, really sad. But I still never knew why it ended. It just had to end apparently. So I left on the train. He hugged me and I just stood there numb.
He sent me a birthday card – with a picture of Paris (where we had first met), how apt I thought. Yet I still couldn’t throw it away.
So then around 6 weeks later I received an email – I don’t even remember now what it said (I deleted it straight after reading to avoid torturing myself). I never replied.
Later I found out that he was with a girl that he had known when we were together. Naturally, I imagined that they must have been together whilst we were – I’ve never had the occasion to ask.
The problem is, I’m proud. I never wanted to contact him again as I knew that not contacting him was the only chance I would have of hurting him. Yet maybe I’ve just ended up hurting myself as over a year later I’m still as clueless as to why the relationship ended.
Through therapy I have been able to see the reality of the relationship, but still there is this feeling that I can’t let go of what happened. I think regularly about contacting him – I must have at least 6 letters that I have never sent. Some days I think I should send them, then the pride kicks in and I don’t.
Louise
>> I’m still as clueless as to why the relationship ended.
I’ll tell you why it ended – because he met someone else he fancied more Simple as that.
I know because I had the *same thing* happen to me. (Also had his MOTHER tell me that same thing, so I know it smarts, but sadly it’s true,…)
There is no answer. There is NOTHING he can tell you that will make you feel BETTER about the situation. He won’t have a black and white answer that you’ll be able to wrap your head around.
In fact, he may not even know why he chose to go down that route with her. Most people are clueless of their actions / patterns anyway.
When it happened to me, I went through exactly the process you are. I actually made excuses for him. “He must have gotten scared as we’d just bought this big family home” yadda yadda…but the fact was – he met someone else he liked better at that moment. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen.
My ex, AFAIK, is with her more than a decade later and I am glad. It means he left me for his “soul mate”. Good luck to him / them. Better than getting dumped for a fling.
…But I can tell you that his leaving is not likely that it was down to YOU – the fact you weren’t tall enough, short enough, funny enough, smart enough, thin enough, fat enough, gorgeous enough, rich enough, blah blah blah…
There is no “answer” to why someone chooses someone different – and “closure” is this allusive thing we look for, but I don’t personally believe we ever truly find. The answers we need to come up with ourselves.
So I’d suggest you stop asking “why” this happened, and start asking how you’re a better, stronger, more savvy person as a result.
In other words as better questions. How you can turn this experience into something wonderful.
You’re a year down the road. You’ve had therapy. He was in your life for as long as he was meant to and now it’s a case of moving on to something wonderful. OK?
My break up happened over a year ago. I divorced my husband after over 6 years of marriage. I got tired of the lieing, stealing,gambling and everything thing else that comes with dealing with someone with a habit. But what’s worse is these feelings of loneliness and the thought of him being with another women. This other women being married herself, with 4 kids by 3 different men.
I went through so much with this man..from abuse, his gambling addiction, him taking my money, losing jobs and lieing about how he lost them. He put me through a lot but I would always stay. He made me believe I couldn’t make it on my own and I always felt vulnerable because im in a state that im not from so he was able to control me until I woke up one day and said to myself, “I can do this on my own.”
Things really got bad when i found out that he’d taken all my bill money to gamble. Im talking $3,ooo worth of bill money. My lights got cut off, I could have lost my truck and worse my health was affected by the amount of stress that put me under. I was sooooo depressed and i felt defeated by him.
All i could think about is how can someone do this to the person they say they love? How can you treat someone so horribly? When i left our home in 2009 he begged me not to leave..but i did. I felt like this is what i had to do to make sure me and my child ( who’s by a previous man) had stability. I feared every day that the bank was gonna come take our home. He wasn’t holding down a job and because my name was not on the loan, I could never get information regarding the status of our mortgage payments. I could never trust what he said because he would always lie. He would tell me everything was ok..but i knew better.
Then on one of my last night in my home, he withdrew all the money i had on a pre paid debit card. He lied and said that one of his friends took my money. I yelled and cried because he thought i was an idiot to believe that when a pin number has to be used to withdraw money. This is when i made my great escape. I barrowed money from family members to get away from him. I was gone in two weeks or so. When he realized i was leaving, he begged me to come. He pleaded with me. Tried to negotiate with me. He even acted as if he was gonna get revenge on this so called friend who took my money. It was a sad and desperate act on his part and i felt bad looking at this 40 year old man who was losing everything around him. His wife, i sent motorcycles back, his truck got repoed and he had no job. I felt horrible. But i tried.
I went through this for about 4 yrs and i just couldn’t take it anymore. After i left him, i did what so many women do. I let him move in with me. Big mistake. But i loved him..after all he was my husband. And he was a provider at one point in time. I think he got sucked in to that nasty life of gambling and who knows what else.
After he moved in with me, his old ugly habits resurfaced. Barrowing money from, cell phone was always getting cut off. Little things from my apt went missing. We argued a lot and his behavior was always suspicious. I finally put him out when he stole some items from a family members house. I was embarressed and devestated.
I never thought my marriage would end like that. This was a very dark moment for me because this man make a complete 360. He was not the man i met in 2004. Or was he? I always ask myself this question. Was he always this way and his true colors finally came out? IDK…but i went forward with my divorce last year because after putting him out in 2010, I discovered that this is when he put me behind in my bills $3000. He had also sold all of my stuff i left in my house when i moved out. Im talking salon dryer/chair, grill, workout equipment, my son’s basketball goal. He even sold all the appliances that came with the house. YES! He sold it all.
This was all a slap in my face. So the beginning of my story is basically my end. I just wanted to add the meat and potatoes of it all just so i can get some sound advice on how to handle these feelings i have. I feel angry, sad, depressed, defeated, confused and lonely. I’ve dated a few guys but i don’t want to jump into another relationship when i don’t feel like im ready.
My ex lives with one of his family members and the few times i’ve seen him have been awkward. We don’t speak. And like i said, he’s seeing someone who has baggage herself. But i find myself wondering if he thinks about what he did. And if he feels bad about? I know we will never get back together but i miss the person i met. Was that the real “HIM” i don’t know. But i miss what was and not what he has become. I think too much about his new relationship and how he is with her. I don’t like doing this but i can’t help it.
I read on this site a blog about being replaced and it offered some good advice. It said something about if he had characteristic flaws when he was with me, he will still have them in his new relationship. He basically moved on into this relationship with this new girl in 3 months. So he neve gave himself time to get himslef together. I just want to get over these negative feelings and thoughts. Please help
My girlfriend of 4 years (2007-2011) graduated back in May of 2011 and was forced to move away due to her not finding a career here and me moving back home due to expenses. Over the years, I’ve developed to grow more into her and love her as a person, then as a lover. I take my time when it comes to developing these things because I’ve been hurt by the girl before her and she and I never dated. She led me on only to find out that she was dating someone else I didn’t know about. It literally broke my heart…and I never wanted to feel pain like that ever again…
When 2007 rolled around, I started dating the aforementioned girlfriend. She was smart, pretty and a bit shy, but I felt like I was ready to date someone and actually establish a relationship with someone. She was a bit young. I was 24 at the time and she was 19, going on 20. On top of that, I was her first boyfriend. So due to her inexperience, you can see why she was very shy. I basically taught her to go through the basics of dating and went really slow at this with her. Besides, like I said, I like taking my time at these things because I was hurt by someone before her.
Our first date was us watching the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I knew she was stoked about it, so I treated her to go out and see it for our first date. Coincidentally, another close friend of mine was on a date with one of her high school friends (she went to an all-girls Catholic school) watching the same movie. I talked to my friend for a bit and he told me how the date was going….apparently, not so well. The girl wasn’t interested in him and they just remained friends. That same day, he befriended my girlfriend and they talked for a bit and she and I went on our merry way.
I spent four, wonderful, memorable years with this girl. We did almost everything together. There were times were things were just a little rough, but I stuck with it and wanted to keep things going with her because I loved her so much. She was a big part of my life and I wanted her to share more of it. We lived together for almost three years and everything was perfect!
But there was a time coming up ahead where I knew she was graduating from college…and she still didn’t find any work at the moment. If she were to continue without work, she would have to move back home with her parents up in Tennessee. As much as I did not want that to happen, I feared that it was inevitable. So when graduation day rolled around, she was forced to move the next day. We decided to stay together through the distance and the following week, I made a surprise visit up there to see her. She was happy and so was I. It felt like the good times once again. We spent a load of time together up until the day I had to leave. I promised her that we would work it out for us to be permanently together again. But once I got home, things started hitting me HARD.
She was away from me again…and I had that complete sense of separation anxiety. I stressed about it to her on the phone and she knew how much I missed her. She told me everything was going to be okay, but for the sake of me not stressing out so much about it, she proposed that we be friends until we figured out a plan on how we’re going to be together again. This time, for good. She promised me that she would look into it herself and that when we’re both ready, we can make our decision….together. I really didn’t know what to say, but I told her that we’d work it out and develop a plan for the both of us to be together.
Time went on and we both developed a plan and I was the first to propose it to her. But then, the unthinkable happened: She told me that she just wanted to be friends with me. I felt my heart DROP and my body went soon afterwards. I was choked up, unsure of what to say. I asked her why and she just said that she needed to “focus on her career.” I asked her if there was any way to handle both her career and our relationship and she said no. I felt heartbroken, devastated and empty. But that was just the beginning of my nightmare.
The very next day, we get into a little argument about it which led me to tell her that I just couldn’t bear the fact that if I see her with someone else down the line, it would destroy me because I was still in love with her. After reaching this settlement, we decided the no contact rule. She blocked me from Facebook…and that’s when it happened.
Remember the guy I mentioned that we saw at the theater on our first date? Well apparently, during her time away, he was keeping in touch with her through texts and Skype. He knew how I felt about her and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but he went after her anyway and took her away from me. The day she blocked me was the day they posted themselves as “engaged” on Facebook. After hearing this news from the start, it, like I said, totally destroyed me. I took off work for a week and went away under the wing of friends to help me comfort the unbearable pain I was feeling inside. I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore, like she was all that I hoped for. And after four years, she does something like this to me with a close friend of mine behind involved as well. You’re just left wondering how could she do something like that to me after all the memories we’ve had together?
I broke NC several times just wondering why she did it. I left a voicemail, no response. I left a text, no response. I left a text again, then I got a phone call from him. He was all ignorant on the phone towards me and I told him basically that he was nothing to me and I hung up on him. Not too long after that, she called me. I told her that I had two questions for her, but she immediately dismissed me by saying that she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment and would talk about it later. Little did I know, he was on the phone as well, completely silent. In the end, I never got to ask her my questions and all she said was “I’ll talk to you about it later.”
Later has been over three months now. And from what I’ve gathered, she changed her phone number. Yet, there are still photos of me and her everywhere on her page! I don’t get it! Why still keep me around? Also, their “engaged” status was fake! It was only a normal relationship set up by him just to make me feel even worse than before. She was manipulated into this, but I later found out that it was only just a relationship. This guy is definitely no good for her and she knows it. She also realizes that she did me wrong, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. As much as I would hate to let go, I know that I have to to move forward. Her own father even agrees that it’s wrong and he loves me only because I’ve been with her for so long and he’s aware of how it ended. He says that he sees me like a son and doesn’t really trusts this new guy after what he did to me. She may wake up one day and realize that what she did to me was stupid. But will she come back? I doubt it. I just feel so bad and here it is, three months later and I still cry, have dreams about her and wallow in my own misery thinking about her. Why did something like this happen to me? All I wanted was to be with someone who made me happy and who I made happy. Will the memories of us affect her new relationship? Will she miss things about me that she won’t have in him? I’ve never been this hurt by someone ever in my life! What did I do to deserve this?
Wow, that was longer that I expected. Sorry to keep you guys reading. I just had a LOT to get off my chest since coping with this a lot harder than I thought.
I’m just wondering, will it hit her later on what she missed out on now that she’s with this new guy? Will she realize anything at all after this decision?
When I posted on this website nearly a month ago, I thought that I was on my way to healing. I thought about him less, and even if I do think about him, I could do so without breaking down in tears. But yesterday, when I saw an update of him on facebook, I felt as if my heart has been sliced open again.
Since our break-up about 3 months ago ( shortly after which I had found out that my ex was actually engaged, and I’d even suspected that his wife was expecting then), I suspected that he had blocked me on facebook. Hence for the past few months, I was unable to view his profile on facebook and I totally had no news of him. It then became sort of a habit to sometimes attempt to ‘stalk’ him on facebook, just so that I would know when he has ‘unblocked’ me. And yesterday when I was just randomly searching for his name on facebook out of norm, I was surprisingly able to finally see his wall, on which he had posted an entire album on his newborn baby boy, and some pictures of his wife. I just couldn’t help but break down when I saw those pictures. ( I know it was a bad idea to stalk your ex-es after a break up but I just couldn’t help it). The baby looked like him, and they just look so.. complete together as a family. I can’t help but feel alone, and bitter. After all the promises he’d made to me, like how he claimed that he couldn’t live without me and even wanted to marry me (when he was in fact, engaged all along), I am just heart broken how he could just easily forget all about me. Of course he now has a baby to preoccupy himself, and I know that I ought to feel glad for him, but I just feel like dying.
He was my first boyfriend, the first guy that I’ve truly ever loved and bare my heart to; our break-up, and me finding out that he was actually a married man was just too abrupt. There were no warning signs at all, and all of a sudden, the relationship was over. And since then, I’ve felt pretty much like a zombie. I go to school, attend lectures everyday and do the things that needs to be done, but I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like I’m living. And just when I though I’ve felt slightly better, I came across the photos of his family and it felt as if the wall that I’d built around myself these past 3 months had crumbled once again, and I’m back to the square one. It’s not like I didn’t try to get over, I did try. I busied myself with school work, I hung out with friends, and tried to preoccupy myself. But why is it that I still can’t get over him, when he has clearly forgotten about me? And besides, it makes me feel wrong to even pine for him, when now that I know that he’s a married man. I feel really foolish, and weak, and I hate feeling this way. Please Thea, could you kindly advice me on how I could move on.
Hold on back up. Breathe. Chill. Anyone who experienced seeing their ex with a replacement of sorts and a baby would feel this way. ANYONE. Let alone someone only 3 or whatever months out. It’s a SETBACK. you’re NOT back to “Square One” you only FEEL like you are. It’s an illusion. It’s also a bit soon for you to “be happy for him” to be honest. I’d not feel that in your shoes either and I am, 12 years of running this site “an expert” of sorts on this subject.
He’s not forgotten you. He probably even misses you. You’re right though – he is DISTRACTED by all this change. It’s exciting stuff he’s going through, meanwhile you’re left behind and “pining”.
But the fact his the novelty, stress of a newborn, sleepless nights, etc – won’t mean he’s sauntered off into the sunset on the back of a white horse under the rainbow. He’s not got off scott free.
I suspect he meant what he said to you at the time. I say assume he did. Assume he misses you and assume he cares. Assume when you get over this and move on again he’s gonna feel a pang once YOU have moved on because frankly no one likes to be replaced (find that blog called that on here).
You are getting over this Chloe. It is just a setback. Breathe and push on through the pain.
I posted on our http://www.facebook.com/soyouvebeendumped page that “No good ever comes from FB stalking” or words to that description because we ONLY see things that hurt. And frankly people only tend to put up the “good” side of their life. Not the fact he’s not getting any…SEX (cos she just had a baby) or SLEEP (because they just had a baby)…
This is not a game or a competition. He’s not “winning”. He will have to live with his choices.
You have no control over that sadly. You can on keep focusing on your own life, your path, your future, you thoughts and your actions.
I am sorry you’re in pain. I can really understand it. I’ve done it once or twice and no good comes from cyber stalking
Hugs xx
Thea’s right. No good comes from cyber stalking. I went to look at the aforementioned ex a few times on FB after she blocked me via another account and saw nothing but pain. Albeit she posts positively, I know all the negatives are still there. I suspect that she still thinks about me and is just using that sack of crap of an ex-friend (aka her companion) to keep me away. But I know that eventually, consequentially, their relationship will fall.
It’s been almost four months since I was deceived by both of them and the best advice I can give to you is move forward. It won’t be easy. You WILL have days where you’ll grieve over it. Some days will be …..blah and some days will be okay. Distraction is the best method. Whatever it is that you like to do, keep on doing it. Sure, you may still think about it while you’re distracted. This is only natural, but bear in mind that it’s a lot better then being idle. The photo I’ve seen of them kissing is burned into the back of my mind. But ultimately, it will have to be a memory that I have to burn away.
Keep your head up, stay on track and never give up. Eventually, your past will become just a memory.
Good Evening Thea, i really need some advice on what i posted on Jan 23,2012. Please read it and tell me what you think. And for Chloe, my heart truely goes out to you. I tried dating once i divorced my ex only to find out the guy i was seeing was married. I just didnt get it..i often wonder why me. So this was a definate setback for me as well. Im on a leave from my job right now because of the amount of stress im experiencing.Its simply heartbreaking. Thea please give me some advice.
I’d like some helpful advice as well. Please read above.
Coco! I think you’re so totally BLESSED!! Thank Buddha you’re out of that relationship with that man. Pity the woman he’s now with because Leopards don’t change spots – not without help. And this guy has a lot of baggage he’s just transported in the new relationship.
Does he think about it all? Yes I suppose he does. He’s got an affliction/addiction and this is likely to be due to some short comings inside himself. He’s not behaving like a happy, healthy, self-actualised individual is he? Lying, cheating, stealing, gambling, selling off your worldly goods. Man I am so pleased he’s history.
You…well, you might think about seeing someone if possible? You will benefit from forgiveness. Of him. Of yourself for getting involved with and staying with and taking back a guy who clearly wasn’t a good long term fit for you. Find the good that came out of those years together. Affirm your gratitude toward what he brought into your life because a lot of good will have come out of it. Even if it’s to know the kind of man you DON’T want to be with!
It wasn’t wasted time or experience. Focus on your own life, your own finances, your home, things you can control because frankly you have no control over him / her etc. The busier I am the less time I ever have to mind-feck about an EX and his new bird! (Soooo been there and it sucks, it’s torture, I know).
Just keep getting out there with friends – old and new – don’t worry about men/dating. When you’re emotionally ready to date it will happen. Sounds like you’ll benefit from working through stuff first! I say this each day but Byron Katie has changed my life – in terms of the way I think about things…my life, my “rattlesnakes” (of the mind), my expectations of others. Google her and watch some videos. Search “The Work” and “Oprah” (with BK’s name) and start there…It may or may not work for you but it’s revolutionalised my life. Doesn’t mean I don’t get plagued by the snakes like everyone else but I can recognize them for what they are…Just thoughts. And I then bring the thoughts back home to myself because that’s what all this is about YOU. Not him. Not her. Just you. And you we can work with. Them we can’t xx
Dante sorry I was laxed at getting back to you. I did just read your post. An ex and an ex-friend? Double whammy? Is that right? But you sound good honest. You don’t actually sound like you need any helpful advice. I am not worried about you. You got a good attitude. You are maybe just having one of those blah days. Seeing a kiss photo, burning in your memory…it’s so funny because my mind is so damn powerful I create those “photos” even if I haven’t seen my replacement. So whether we have the photographic evidence or we don’t, we create the story.
You’re right people post positives more than negatives (unless the people are totally drama folk – needing constant reassurance). So can we ever really believe what we read/see online? Not likely…
I remember when I got turfed aside by the so called love of my life everyone was saying “it’ll never last” and I did too. He went right from me to her damn it – how could it. A dozen years later and they did last and after about a year after our split I wanted them to last because then at least I was dumped for his soul mate and not some “rebound fling” you know?
I have a book I read, from the Sedona Method guy/s – ‘Happiness is Free…’(See http://amzn.to/wrWSsV) and in it the guy talks about how he would keep picturing a woman he loved with his arch enemy and kept on doing it until he could see them totally happy healthy loved up and it didn’t hurt. He explains it better in his book LOL. But I did try it a while back when I was going through something not too dissimilar to you. It sucks being replaced – let alone with a friend.
But you’re gonna be great. You’re gonna heal. You’re gonna move on to someone better and you’re going to be glad you went through this temporary “blip”. OK?
Been looking for a quote in my own book (paraphrased from a user on our forum years ago) similar to what you wrote…
It is imperative to know that when it first happens to you, you will have desperate days, awful days, bad days, and okay days. In time though, the awful days will become bad days; the bad days will become okay days; and okay days will actually become GOOD days.
Just keep on pushing through and working on feeling good about you. Be the type of guy any gal would be lucky to be with. Kind, positive, empathetic, strong, communicative, etc…
You take care x
Thanks Thea, I feel much better after having read your reply. It was pretty funny, the part where you mentioned he’s not gotten off scott free, especially without the sex and sleepless nights. I hadn’t thought of that actually. I guess I’ll just try to take comfort in the fact that he’s now stuck with changing diapers while I’m still young and free, with a future full of possibilities.
As for Dante and Coco, thanks for the reply too. I know we’re all going through a really rough patch at the moment, but I guess it’s comforting to know that one is not alone at times like this. I really hope that things would eventually work out well for you guys too. All the best!
My fiancee who only proposed 6 months ago and who has been with me for 9 years turned around 6 weeks ago out of the blue and told me it was over and he doesnt love me anymore. I am totaly heartbroken and have not dealt with it at all well. I have made the error of bombarding him with texts and recently they have been pretty nasty as I have been getting very angry. I am losing my home, my cats and my whole lifestyle and future. I am getting hardly any response to my emotion, he has completely cut me off and when I do get a response, it is like a stranger who doesnt care. Why do men do this, I thought we were going to have kids and get married. Its so complicated and although its been 6 weeks, I am still in total shock. He says that ‘there have been too many nasty things said’ which is the last thing he said to me after he dumped me and that we ‘want different things’ This was all news to me?
I am so confused. I wish I had just left him and not bombarded him with texts, I have probably made things so much worse.
I’m still in the middle of this breakup right now – and you’ll see why in a bit.
My ex and I were best friends in high school – eventually, he confessed he liked me, but I didn’t feel the same way. Eventually though, I kinda liked him too, so we dated junior year, and eventually I broke it off before it got too serious and we continued to be good friends.
Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. Ex had been texting me a lot asking to hang out; little did I know it was because he had feelings for me again. The truth was, I had feelings for him too, but was in denial about them and didn’t want to start something because we were going off to far away colleges soon. However, a week before he left for school, he confessed to me how he felt, and how he had felt this way for a long time, and I told him I felt the same, and for one glorious, intense week filled with Taylor-Swift-esque makeouts under the stars and in cars, we were together. We initially didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship, but after we were both settled into college, we realized that we wanted to give it a shot. So we did, and it was great. He flew up to visit me over his fall break, and we hung out a lot over Christmas. We had great communication from years of being best friends, and we were very much in love. After a teary goodbye at the end of Christmas break, we bought tickets for me to come visit him at school in February.
However, we started having little problems – or, at least, I would start feeling like he wasn’t contacting me very much and that I would be doing all the work in the relationship. When I first brought this up, he was very understanding, but when it started happening again and i mentioned it, he got madder. I tried to tell him that all I wanted was for him to text me first once in a while, and somehow he saw that as what he could give not being enough for me. I had also been having lots of problems with my roommate at that time and had been venting to him about it, and I guess it bothered him more than he let on. Both of us got insecure and took it out on each other, and the worst part was that we communicated mainly over text or gchat – NEVER a good idea. I still think my relationship could have been saved by one heartfelt phone call from me saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was. But my feeling was, and he expressed this too, that when I came to visit, we could talk things out, and everything would be fine.
So it was a week before I went to visit him, and two days before this, we had talked and affirmed that we still loved each other. I was afraid he was going to break up with me, and asked him this – he said no, he would never do that not in person, because I had been so good to him and I deserved better. Guess what? Two days later, he texts me saying he needs to talk to me and he needs 10 minutes – unfortunately, I had no time from 8 in the morning to 9:30 at night and still had tons of homework to do. I begged him to just call me the next day, but nope – he called me and told me it wasn’t working, and it just wasn’t worth it for him anymore. I was stunned. He was doing exactly what he had just promised not too. It was so sudden and unexpected, coming from someone who I thought would never break up with me. I was in tears, and sent him a very heartfelt emotional email afterwards, which actually wasn’t as desperate as it could have been, reading it now. I asked him to just give this another chance until we could see each other in person and work things out. But we skyped, and he said his decision still stood. It was like talking to a wall. I didn’t understand how he could sit there and watch me cry with such a passive expression.
And here’s the kicker – I still flew halfway across the country to visit him. We had the non-refundable tickets, he told me that he still missed me and wanted me to come visit, and I thought maybe I could get some closure. Of course I still had a little bit of hope that we could get back together, but I tried to squash that. And I’m here now. I’m at his school, and I’m glad I came, but only because I’ve realized how horrible this is. I know no one here except my ex, and although he says he wants to be friends and there are times when we easily slip back into our friendly banter, he constantly abandons me, seeming to forget that I have no friends here and nowhere to go. Basically, my options are either hang out with him or study alone, and I’m here for six days (this was my third). I’m trying so hard to either get us back together or be friends or just say fuck it and move on with my life, but honestly I’m in such a weird, lonely limbo right now where I’m forced to suppress my emotions around my ex and all his friends and none of my friends are here to give me hugs. Thank goodness for the internet, and sites like this, that are making me feel a little less alone until I go home on Wednesday.
Well hon, that is indeed rough. I feel for you going through this emotional challenge halfway across the country or whatever from you. The good thing about this is that PAIN is temporary – just like everything is. Happiness / Sadness / Joy / Laughter, etc everything comes and goes / ebbs and flows.
My current self would tell my former self that “Good Endings Make Good Beginnings”. Be strong (even if you have to fake it), say you accept his decision (even if you have to fake it at the moment), make a list of things you’re looking for from a partner because frankly this LDR must have it’s drawbacks. What are they? You’ve probably met some cool guys on your own campus and thought “he’s a bit of alright, if I were single, I’d definitely investigate”. Though I think LDRs can work – especially in cases like this one where you’ve known each other and built up a history – I still think they’re a challenge at the best of times.
You’re BOTH frankly at the age where you both should be having fun with classmates, trying different people on for size, and working hard at Uni. I look back to my Uni days (break up and all) with the biggest sense of nostalgia. Never before or since did I have a clique of friends. People scattered around the globe now.
I would try to wrap myself around the fact that it’s OVER (FOR NOW!) but that if you’re paths are meant to cross again after university they will. He’s been your first love and vice versa – it sounds like anyway – and that is never going to leave you. But I suspect though the first he’s not the last. You’ve many more relationships to go through (as a hunch).
I am not sure where you are geographically – but I’d go ahead and wander around on my own (when safe to do so). Explore the area, the coffeshops, bookstores, parks, campus etc. Go to the campus book store, buy a notebook and write out all your random thoughts and feelings. They’ll be soooo interesting to read on down the road – and be a gauge to show how far you’ve come. Channel them into something worthwhile.
I’d say to myself “I can handle this, it’s just a couple more days – I’m on vacation and I’m gonna make the most of it while I am here”. I would “act as if” I am fine with it. I’d say what I wanted to say him (you’ve probably done all that). I would do whatever it took to end on the most positive note possible.
Good Endings Make Good Beginnings. We never know where the path is taking us and I can promise you in 12 years of running this site I’ve come to believe that that Break Ups Always Work Out for the Highest Good of All Concerned (Eventually) . You can’t see where the path is taking you right now as you’re in the middle of it but trust me it’s all working accordingly.
You cannot convince, coerce, persuade someone to love you or stay with you – you can only control how you RESPOND to that happening. We get so scared when someone says they need to leave that we cling instead of WELCOMING it happening. If this guy is choosing to go – then that means something even better is on its way for you and you need to welcome that. It’s like that adage of people staring so long at the closed door that they miss the open window. What’s outside YOUR window?
So to summarise – slap a smile a file on your face, tell him you accept his decision and that ultimately you think it’s the RIGHT one because you’re going to find someone in your own postcode next time. Get a notepad and do some writing. Call on friends (and break up buddies)
to help you when you feel like contacting him. Study hard as much as you can over the coming weeks/months…but for the next few days – do a Google search to see what’s worth checking out while you’re there and go do it ALONE. Try and create some new WONDERFUL memories there – e.g. sight seeing, take some cool photos, find some cool hangouts near there. It’s only a few more days – so get out there and take your power back.
“I can handle this” is your mantra of the day. Take care x
Thanks so much for the advice! I think you’re right, I think that it’s a good idea to meet people on my own campus…except 90% of the guys at my school are gay, so it’ll be difficult. It’s gradually getting easier to accept that this is over, especially since he’s been treating me like crap and just flat-out ignoring me whenever I call him out on it. He wanted me to be here, and he wanted to be friends, so he should be prepared to deal with having me around and not expect me to just go make friends and hang out with them.
Ugh, I so wish I could go wander around and find some cool places to hang out! But this school is in this tiny little crap town in Kansas, and there’s literally nothing within walking distance, and no public transportation. It’s also kind of sketchy, or so I hear…I’m not sure that I want to go out alone. It’s awful. I’ve been typing out my thoughts on what’s happening on my computer, and also typing out a bunch of things I want to say to him before I leave. It’s sad, but after this trip, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever see him again, since we’d have no reason to get together over breaks and such, so I want to say all I need to before I leave and then I can just try to not talk to him for a while.
I’m just trying to say that mantra, “I can handle this,” as often as possible. Even when I feel like I’m imposing on everyone I come into contact with (my ex, his roommates, the girls I’m staying with – the dorms aren’t coed). It’s so frustrating because whenever I ask Ex what I should do, where I should go, etc, he gets mad at me and tells me to go make my own damn choices because he doesn’t care what I do. Today we went to brunch at his cafeteria (because he’s paying for all my food) and afterwards I was going to go back to his dorm, and he said that was fine, but girls aren’t allowed to go in the boys dorms until 12 noon and there were still 10 minutes left. I was just gonna wait outside on a bench for a while, and asked Ex if he could wait with me, but apparently that would be “pointless” so he just left me out there. When i came in finally, I asked him how long he was going to keep treating me like crap, he just shrugged and said “I’m not.” Like talking to a wall.
I realise he’s behaving cold, cruel, detached and you have to know that’s a defense mechanism. He cares even if he acts like he doesn’t. He’s frustrated (even if he doesn’t realise it) because he feels guilty and ill-equipped to handle the emotional side of things with you.
To be honest, I suspect he’s actually seeing someone there. Or interested in someone (don’t mean he has cheated just that it’s likely there’s someone else nearby he’s interested in – so he’s pushing you away).
There is no way you can know if you’ll see each other again. I suspect you will so just keep on making the effort to end on the best possible terms. It’s an emotional and confusing time for both of you (in spite of how he’s acting). Rawness will fade and it would be good if you could look back at this time proud of how you handled it. Strong. Respectful. Dignified. Be the kind of girl he REGRETS leaving.
The more you act as if you’re strong, moving on etc, the better it will be (and it might actually ANNOY him seeing you get on with things!) Start today! Only a few more days! Good luck.
PS: There is beauty even in “crap towns” – you can find it, I am sure, if you look. Take your camera (or phone with camera) around and find some cool things. Find a serene spot to sit and take it all in – in nature.
What you said about the defense mechanism is spot on, I think. I’ve been friends with him through some pretty emotional times in his life, and I have noticed that when he can’t deal with a situation emotionally, he just becomes absolutely detached and only deals with logic, not emotion. Which is why I think he just wishes I would let this go already and stop bringing it up.
I don’t know if he’s interested in anyone here; one of the things he said to me was that he didn’t want a relationship, not now and not for a long time. But he does have a lot of female friends here (who have all been extremely sweet to me) so that could be the case.
Last night, I asked him to sit down with me in a private room and I basically just read him this huge thing that I wrote about how I still love him and I would have done anything to make this work and we could have had a lot more good memories if he had only given me a chance to make things better, but that I will get over this eventually and let it go, he just has to give me some time. I told him that if we’re going to be friends, I can’t talk to him for a while after I get back because I need to surround myself with people who care about me. At that point he got really mad and insulted that I thought he didn’t care, and I said that actions spoke louder than words, at which point he walked out on me. But he came back in two seconds later and listened to the rest of what I had to say. I asked him to just treat me like one of his friends for the rest of my time here. He said that he would treat me like one of his friends if I could just let it go and stop “bringing up this shit.” I told him that I just needed to say this stuff now, and then we could stop talking about it, and that I would move on but it wouldn’t happen overnight. It’s frustrating, because he acts like I should be doing something for him in order for him to treat me with basic courtesy, when really I feel like that’s the least he could do seeing as he’s caused me so much pain. Honestly, his friends and roommate treat me so much nicer than he does. When I hang out with him and his friends, he acts slightly less cold and detached (probably just so he won’t seem like an ass in front of them) but they are so nice to me and treat me like one of their friends.
His birthday is tomorrow (one of the reasons we scheduled the trip for this weekend, initially) and I bought him a present (a nice dress shirt) literally the day before he dumped me. I brought it with me just in case I still wanted to give it to him, but now I think I’ll just take it home with me and return it and buy myself something nice. There are times like that when I make the decision to not give him the present, or start looking forward to blocking him on Facebook and deleting his number (I’ve already blocked him on twitter), that I start feeling like I’m ok and I can move on with time. But every day I wake up feeling happy, and then I remember everything that’s happened, and how the way things are now is all my fault, and I can’t forget that. I’m trying to, though. My friends have promised me that when I get back, they’re going to shower me with chocolate and girl time and movies, etc. so I’m thankful for that. And in the meantime I’ve been studying a lot for the classes that I’m missing right now. Hopefully the next couple days will go smoothly, I leave the day after tomorrow!
Yeah I love it when they get so mad that we’re “bringing up all this shit” when in fact they’ve had time to come to terms with / process the split…time to detach from us and we’re hit with it all like a brick to the forehead. I know it’s challenging but really when it all boils down to it – aren’t you both doing the absolute BEST that you can with the skills and tools you have? I think you are. Even with his grumpy/angry/moodiness – he really is doing his best for an early 20s guy who’s having to cut the romantic cord with someone he’s known a long time and cared a great deal for. Almost on a daily basis I recommend the work of Byron Katie (you can watch her videos on YouTube) and honestly she’s changed the way I think more than anyone one else in my life. The thing that causes us frustration and pain in these times is the fact we’re “arguing with reality”. It’s like the thought you’d wish he’d treat you like a friend and just be nice to you but who would you be without that thought? Well less frustrated for a start! You kinda need to just watch her or read her stuff to get the gist of it but I must say it’s stopped me judging, labeling, name calling – all of it – about anyone else because I realise anything I say about someone else on some level I am saying about myself. It’s late here and I am getting off onto a tangent I think…I know what I mean!
The thing is just do your best to get through the next 2 days in whatever it takes. I am pretty certain he won’t be out of your life permanently. By the sounds of it, he’s not cheated on you, treated your horribly, or whatever. He’s been honest with how he feels (painfully so at times I’m guessing)…it could be a lot worse. Better he tells you, ends the relationship than carries on a pretense and is shagging local girls behind your back. You know. So you can probably find a few ways he IS actually handling it pretty good. If you look.
Someone said something random the other day that keeps going through my mind. I mean it’s an old concept – nothing new – but it’s a case of 100 years none of us will be here. It’s the same (but slightly different) as saying “in a year from now this week won’t even matter” it will simply be blip on your time line and it’s true.
My most horrible experience of my life was a break up years ago. Trans-Atlantic phone call. I was home visiting my dad (in Cali) and the so-called love of my life called me up and dumped me 4 days before I was to fly back to Scotland. I look back to the journals of the time and man there was anger, there was indignation, there were name calling entries, oodles of judging, righteousness, and on and on and on. I read it now it’s like a different person wrote it and on my levels it is. In many ways that break up was the making of me. It was life altering. I don’t remember the pain of those early weeks at all now. I only see the good. I was able to forgive him (and her!!) and myself too.
For all you know this break up could be the making of you. It literally could be the best thing that ever happened to you. On down the road, you’ll be healed and happy and bring in this amazing (straight) guy
and you’ll actually be so GRATEFUL this guy ended it.
It’s all unfolding divinely for you. It really is. You just can’t see it yet because you’re in the midst of it. But it is. Trust me, this much I know. Have a fun few days. Keep writing! You’ll be amazed like I was when you read it all back later on!
Hi! I’m back now and just wanted to check in. I’ve been back at school for around five days, and oh my goodness it feels so good. I’ve blocked Ex on social networks and deleted his number, and for the last few days I’ve been doing a lot of relaxing and talking to friends about the whole situation, and it’s been really nice. I’m still writing (well, typing) whenever I need to vent or talk about the situation, and I have a letter in progress that I’m going to send to Ex in a few weeks, after we’ve both had a chance to cool down.
To be honest, it was a lot easier to start the healing process after I got home and was surrounded by friends, and for a few days I was feeling great. I’ve stopped blaming myself so much for what happened. I think that was what made it hardest to let go, because I felt like if this was all my fault, then I could fix things, too. But it wasn’t. I really started thinking about our fights, and I can see now that it wasn’t just me causing conflict and that I had good reason to bring up the things that i did. He also said a lot of horrible things about me that weren’t even close to being true and really hurt me. And even if he wants to blame me for everything, I can’t blame myself if I’m going to move on…
It’s much easier to miss him, though, since I’m back at school and away from him. It’s a lot easier to remember all the good times since I’m not seeing this new, callous, angry version of him every day. And that’s been hard…I think the hardest part honestly is that this trip was supposed to be so amazing. It was going to be the longest amount of time we had spent together ever since last summer, and it was going to be the best six days. Instead it was ruined, and we never got to have those good memories. That still makes me sad, that our last good memory together was saying a quick goodbye at the train station after Christmas. I still feel like things could have turned out so differently. Who knows, maybe they’ll be different someday. But for now I’m trying to forget about it, so I returned his birthday present and used the money to buy myself some nice clothes….baby steps.
Thank you for your advice. I might have gone crazy without feeling like someone understood what I was going through out in the middle of nowhere….
i met matt one night, 4 months after i had just ended a 4.5 year relationship. he was my first ‘one night stand’ we ended up getting frozen yogurt later that week to find out who we had both just slept with, turns out i was his first time too, and later i found out months later only the 2nd girl he had ever slept with. for the first 3 months when we started dating, he told me time and time again he couldn’t get into a relationship, as he had ended a 3 year one just a month before we met, but i pushed and pushed until finally , after lots of turbulence and even times of ending it, he obliged (this was june – sept). but then oct-dec, no matter how much i tried to go out with his friends, see him most nights of the week, plan things, it was always me pushing it.
But , even though id been n 2 major relationships before, i had NEVER felt anything like what i felt with him. i knew in my gut, no matter how much i didn’t want to feel it , he was the one. but by nov and dec, i was causing a fight/talks every week, bc what was really burried down was that i knew i was so much more emotionally out on a limb. then he broke up with me right before xmas.
to sum things up, I’ve reacted horribly. at first i barraged him with txt, then after the new year i tried to restrain myself, but over the past 2 months I’ve showed up at his house countless times when he has asked me not too, invited him to things he never responded back to, and finally talk to him yesterday (showed up) bc i found out I’m moving cities, and he asked ‘what he could tell me’ to give me answers so this wouldn’t happen again. i wanted to just understand… the conversation didn’t leave me feeling wiser.
afterwards i called to ask if we could just go to a dinner, he told me i was taking advantage that he was a nice guy and hung up , i dropped off his xmas gift i never gave him later and left him a vm telling him I’m sorry I’ve bombarded him… i just don’t know when to stop if i truly believe something.
then today he sent me a txt that said ‘Your unannounced trips to my apartments, txts and voicemails make me feel very uncomfortable. please do not contact me again or come by my apartment again’. i feel slapped in the face. i was with him for 6 months, cooked for him, slept with him, did ANYTHING for him, poured my soul out to him after we broke up and made myself completely vulnerable, fought for him for months totally making myself look like an idiot, because I love him and truly believe he is my soulmate. and now i feel like the next step is a restraining order if i don’t stop so i can never contact him again. i am both humiliated and so incredibly sad. nobody makes me happier than him. I’ve been in many relationships, i am an extremely intelligent person, i am cognoscente of what is going on- but how can i be this in love with someone and just give up? but i have no choice…. but i love him so much, and i just don’t know what to do with myself.
Well it sounds like a case of Obsessive Love…not being able to let go…But as much as you may love this guy and it was wonderful at times – he has been CLEAR he doesn’t feel the same and all your bombarding has just left him with a sour taste in his mouth about the whole relationship.
Cut yourself some slack – you’re not the only one who’s humiliated themselves after someone said it was over. Just back off for now though. No need to push it as far as a restraining order. That would be enough for me to not contact that guy ever again. It’s a shame that intelligence or cognizance doesn’t come into it when it comes to romantic relationships.
When you feel you have stuff to say to him – write it down in a blank email or in a journal.
Pour every thought out that you have into the writing (venting).
Imagine for a moment that you dated some guy for six months – it was nice but not something you felt was right for whatever reason. You ended it and the guy just would not get the hint. He’d keep calling, texting, emailing, showing up at your house. You felt bad but you just felt so uncomfortable with his constant barraging of contact. How would YOU handle the situation?
You say “no one makes me happier” – it’s no one else’s JOB to make you happy. It’s yours. This guy is not the KEY to your happiness – that responsibility is your own. If you can have a mental shift to that – then you’ll feel a bit more empowered and more in control. Less desperate. (Not judging – we can all feel a bit desperate when someone or something we love is taken away).
You got a lot out of the relationship – the meals, the fun times, the sex or whatever it was you got so don’t now turn around and feel “used” by the relationship. you made the choices to give, to cook, to love etc…YOU CHOSE TO. And I am sure he enjoyed and appreciated it but for whatever reason you aren’t the right one for him for now.
Believing anything else is arguing with reality hon.
Focus your energy on healing, feeling worthy, strong and being the kind of woman the right guy would want to be with for the long haul.
You hang in there. x
You sound great missy. The healing away from him (both physically and via social media) is going to be a good thing. Keep typing. It will make for some interesting reading on down line I can assure you.
Your ex is not a bad guy – he just acted like a bit of a jerk because he felt guilty. He did the best he could with the skills / tools he’s been given – just like the rest of us. It’s not maybe how you or I would have acted but it’s how he did. It’s done now.
So you need to keep on keeping on…and trusting you’re getting better by the day. And one day you two may actually be friends. You never know. Just remain open to all possibilities ok?
My situation is a little strange. Last fall, I met a wonderful woman, and everything just seemed to fall into place. We were happy, and we both felt a connection to one another neither of us could explain. We spent a great holiday season together, she met my daughter, and in January, I met her son… 2 days before he was going in for some surgery to correct some minor health problems he’d been suffering since birth. The next 2 weeks saw us mostly apart while she dealt with his recovery and a life-threatening complication. Unfortunately, due to family and health obligations of my own, I couldn’t be there for her in person as often as either of us would have liked. Our first in-person get together after all of the drama in her life, I could sense something was very wrong. She mentioned how she realized how much energy she had been putting into her son’s health issues over the years, and how she felt very tired. Our visit was short, and the next morning as soon as I woke up and sent her a good morning text, she called me and ended our relationship.
It has been 3 weeks, and we have been trying the “friends” angle. I told her how confused I was by her decision not to lean on me, but that I respected her decision, and I have given her the space she needs, while still trying to be a supportive friend (I cooked her a week’s worth of meals recently when she mentioned her having a hard time eating). She confessed to me that she still cares, but that she had been dealing with an anxiety/depression reaction to her son’s surgery, and since she couldn’t see herself having any energy for a romantic relationship, she didn’t want to string me along and not be able to hold her end of the relationship up – that she would feel selfish about doing that.
But now, here we are and she is telling me she has begun to feel better, begun to come out of her anxious/depressed state.
I am horribly confused, and am myself spiraling into a very negative state… I haven’t felt this way since I discovered my ex-wife had been cheating on me (5 years ago).
There is something about this woman, something that has caused me to feel about her the way I have not felt for anyone before… a depth of caring and attraction that took years to achieve even with my ex-wife. I don’t want to give up on a relationship if there is a chance for one, but I also don’t want to push her away by telling her how I feel… and I don’t think I’ll be able to move on until I do one or the other.
Could this be limerance? Or is it more likely I am being strung along.
There is no real easy answer here – whether to wait or to move on etc. Trust your gut I guess.
Limbo sucks – to be sure. It’s hard to tell whether this has anything to do with you really or not.
My gut is as follows:
Maybe send her a short note to remind her that you care for her, and that you are are there if she needs you for anything, but you need to back off now (in all forms of contact) in order to do some healing for a while – because being in contact is hindering the healing process just now for you.
Re-iterate that you respect her decision – even if you’d rather the relationship hadn’t ended.
Express your gratitude at spending time together, enjoying meals, intimacy, etc, and for making your life a little better, happier, more interesting etc – even for the short while.
I am saying – do this in 2 or 3 paragraphs. Not in a heavy way. In a simple closure way.
Send it and let it go.
Begin to “act as if” it is OVER and you’re healing and moving on. It has ended, in love and respect, and thus the door will be open should your paths cross again. And either she’ll come back or she won’t, but you’re not sitting around in LIMBO putting your life on hold for someone who may never come back to you romantically. And you’re going to be 100% fine either way, you really are.
She may have worked out that she doesn’t see a long term future with you and thus backed off, or she may have just got scared and bolted, she may be self-sabotaging – it’s hard to tell, and frankly SHE might not even know why she really ended things. Depends on how self-aware she is but even then it can be hard to tell.
She does have a lot on her plate it sounds….so I’d assume it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do/say.
Continue to be the wonderful, empathetic guy you are and treat all experiences (even the painful ones) as opportunities.
Because that’s what they are!
I sometimes ask myself “could I have said/done anything different to have arrived at a different outcome”? And then I answer it honestly. If I need to do / say something I do – or else I have to keep reminding myself I did my best, could do no different and have to allow things to be as they are and not try to “control” them.
You hang in there Dave. x
Thanks Thea,
I actually sent a note as you described, other than including the part about backing off. It was what prompted her to send me a message back explaining her reasoning, telling me the same sorts of things in return, including that she missed me, and then saying we should get coffee sometime.
It was that letter back that has me confused.
I know you are right though, I need to make a break for my own health. Or, at least that’s what my friends have kindly been reminding me.
Thanks again for the input.
Dave no problem…That’s what I am here for.
Of course she misses you and cares for you – and it’s so hard not to read into that off the cuff remark of “coffee”. It’s almost impossible to not read into that and start building a story around it – building the hope etc…
Your friends mean well and only you are going to be the one who will cut it if needs be, when you’re ready.
It’s easier for the by-standers to see what you “should” do and pass judgment – but when you’re in the middle of it – it’s a real challenge to break that ties that bind us to someone we love. We want to accept those scraps. I know I am guilty of taking it – even though I know I want more…so until you’re ready you won’t be able to walk away – completely. And likely it will be a few false starts (if you don’t reconcile).
Just go with your gut. only you know what you can / can’t handle.
Be true to yourself. Value yourself. As the quote goes – “Don’t make someone a priority who is only making you an option”.
Good luck and keep me posted x
I met a guy 10 months ago online. We’re both in our early 20s although I’m older than him. We didn’t meet in a dating website; we met on a fb fanpage of a nba player we both are a fan of. So we became friends. At first it was all friendly and casual and then as months passed our conversations became deeper. We sent long, as in really long fb messages DAILY throughout those months. Never had I lied to him and I know that he never lied to me either. I know he’s not lying about his identity because one, I have skyped with him already and two, I am also Fb friends with his sister. Besides, it’s too easy to tell if a Fb account is fake or not. And he has done a lot of things to prove that he really cares for me and that he loves me too. I won’t share the details of our convos but he’s a kind person and I would not even talk to him that much if he’s rude.
Anyways, back in October 2011; we had a problem. During this time we haven’t really defined our relationship. And something happened that made us finally discuss what we are to each other. He asked me so I told him that I feel that we’re more than friends. He agreed. He said that even though at that time, he often tells me he loves me but feel scared and hurt deep inside because we’re not together physically. But yeah, we decided to treat each other as bf/gf with all the nicknames and stuff.
We were happy until he decided to end it two weeks ago. You see, we had plans. The plan is for me to visit him for a week this June. We’re both excited about it. And then we both agreed that if things really turns out good then I’ll move there to be with him BUT it will be in the next two years. I need sometime to save up I mean I can’t just move to another country like that, I have to secure a job, a place to live in etc. He agreed and even told me that he can do two years if it’s guaranteed that we’ll be together.
And then two weeks ago, as I’ve said he ended things between us by sending a fb msg. He said, although he wanted that one week visit to happen, he felt that after having to see each other it would be very difficult for him to deal with the long distance thing again. So he said he can’t go on with our relationship. He also said he would not be in a relationship any time soon because of the qualities he saw in me.
I was devastated, but I accepted it. He said his decision was “firmly made” so I felt scared that if I try to change his mind, I’ll be rejected again. I sent him a message too that day and we’re no contact since then and it’s killing me. I miss him so much. This is the longest we never talked.
I decided not to log on to my Fb because the whole thing reminds me of him. Night time is the worst. I always remember the words he said to me. I remember our conversations and how he showed me how strong he is for the both of us and then he ended our relationship. I’m so hurt and disappointed. All my dreams of being with him are too painful to remember. I just can’t accept the fact that we’re over. It hurts me so much. I feel like not contacting him will make him miss me and change his mind but as days pass by it scares me more that he had moved on and totally forgot about me. So it makes me think that I should contact him before completely losing him but a part of me wants to confirm if he really loves me then he’ll come back or better man up and deal with the distance between us.
I’m completely lost and hurt. I love this man and I know he loves me too. It’s just that we’re apart and he’s scared. I feel like, I should have asked him to discuss our problem and encourage him more before agreeing on ending things between us. But I’m confused if I should talk to him or not. I hope you can help me. Thanks.
P.S. I’m not mad at him, I don’t hate him and I think I would never ever hate him. He’s such a beautiful person that’s why it hurts me so much that just when I found that one person I want to spend my life with, he’s 8000 miles away from me. I don’t want to lose him.
Hello I am sorry to hear this one hon (and for the delay in replying) have you broken down and contacted him? I do hope not!!! I know that online relationships can be so intense – they really can. You can really get to know someone’s thoughts because people can often be very open through the Net but the relationship really was a glorified penpal…You say you wanted to spend your life with someone but you’ve never actually met by the sounds of it. 8000 is a crazy distance and frankly as a woman who did that (and moved halfway around the world to be with a guy) – I can’t say I recommend it! It’s a nice fairy tale in the beginning…
You eventually meet up, it’s intense but then you try to live day to day together and reality is something else altogether.
If you’re meant to be friends your paths will cross again but it might be better to crack on with healing and find someone else a little closer to you own zip code. I am sure he’s a cool guy but by the sounds of it he’s probably found someone local…even though he says other wise.
So you’re right to take a break from FB for now. Continue that as long as you can. By being on there it will be just too tempting for you.
You can’t lose the guy because you never really HAD him. You had a small, online portion of him but really only a sliver. So there’s no chance you “lose” anything – that’s only a THOUGHT and a painful thought at that.
So be grateful for the “connection” you felt – it’s a good thing. Means you might just find it again!
Good luck.
My GF of 8 months just broke up with me a few days ago. I pursued her for almost a year, while dating her she was honest and told me that she was also dating another one so i said “May the best man win” . I guess with that setup things didnt start good, because with that setup the paranoia and anxieties continued to rise but i continued. .
Almost a year after we started dating she told me her demands, she told me that I SHOULD have a car, she told me that if we are to get married i SHOULD pay for everything, that if we have kids i SHOULD pay for their schooling, i told her that that’s a little too much, but she replied that if I cant give it then she knows that someone else will, so i bit the bullet and bought myself a new car, i also promised her that I’d pay for every nickel and dime of our marriage. After that it became an US.
On our first day of officialness her mom and I got into a heated argument over a simple FB joke, her mom compared me to the other suitor, her mom told me that the other man was rich, smart, physically attractive, is connected to influential people, yaddi-yadda… I got offended and answered back with something like “YOUR DAUGHTER CHOSE ME” , so starting from day 1 there were already problems brewing.
Now to compound things, i have a chronic illness that is also contagious (but totally preventable via vaccine), when i told her that at first it was ok, then when she read more abt it she started panicking, that she’d get it too, that id die too soon, that she’d be a widow in an early age, etc, etc. We havent had sex but we do intimate things, and each and every time we do something she gets anxious and scared which makes me feel… Guilty and like im an evil person. But and each and every time i schedule her for a vaccine or a blood test she’d always “reschedule” it prolonging the agony. She demanded my latest blood tests and that she’d bring it to a specialist, she says that she has a right to know my situation. Eventually i got her vaccinated and now she’s forever immune to it.
On top of this her former flame, the guy she dated for years kept on pursuing her and even moved to work with the same company as hers which she hid from me for a few months. I accidentally stumbled on a letter that this man sent her and saying something like “I WILL TRY MY BEST TO GET INTO and will win you back from ” . She kept on saying that i should trust her and there’s nothing for me to worry about, i wasnt comfortable with this. Also, she keeps on talking and seeing her former flames which sometimes causes heated arguments.
She’s very firm with her ideals and values, and she has a set of values and principles that i was always trying my very best to fit into. She’s critical on how i drive, i eat, i talk, i dress, i think, etc, etc… I have done some adjustments, actually LOTS of adjustments then last Sunday, murphy’s law took effect and we almost got into a vehicular accident while her whole family is with me which started the day bad, also, i almost got into a fight with 2 separate occasions within the same day! She broke up with me the next day because she said that i scare her, that i have a problem with my temper, and she’s already too tired of “adjusting” . She’s already too tired of defending ME to her FAMILY and FRIENDS… Also, they her family has a description on how a man SHOULD be.
I know im not perfect, i have my weaknesses and shortcomings, i also do get angry and pissed, but i am a good person deep inside, i havent hit a woman in my life and the last time i got into a REAL fight was when i was defending a female officemate of mine. I also made adjustments, but what’s different is that my love is unconditional.
I tried to talk to her and she said that she loves me but we do not have the same values and might as well end the relationship and sjust wait for the RIGHT one. She also said she wants to be friends (WHAT?!) … im devastated… I told her if she can reconsider and she told me that id give her 1 week but it seems that everything’s lost now… I was so in love with her, she’s beautiful, smart, witty, intelligent, etc, etc, and ive lost her… Sometimes i feel like killing myself but that will just bring more misery to people around me….
Everything still hasnt sunken yet but it will be a very difficult next few months… I loved her so much that it was a bad thing, i hope i move on soon…
To add, i always give in to her every request, as long as i can do it , my goal was to always make her happy. I wait for hours for her office time to end just to fetch her and she hears no complaints from me or whatsoever. She’s also always late with appointments, and again, no complaints from me. Though sometimes i get affected and it shows on my face, but i shrug it off and just a few minutes after im back to my normal self.
in a snap of a finger she ended it like i was nothing to her. She admitted that she already wanted to break up with me before but gave it another shot.
I just find it unfair… I was ALWAYS there when she needed me, did things, done requests, tried to improve each and every aspect of my whole being, but my everything wasnt enough… She wanted someone that has an (almost) identical beliefs, values, and principles as her and her family which of course isnt possible because we grew up under different circumstances…
Im hurt… 100 out of 10 in the richter scale… When i finally decided to settle down and considered her to be THE ONE, i got dumped…
life is funny…
I also didnt try to control her, i allowed her to do anything she wanted to as long as it is allowable while being in a relationship. I was always supportive of her undertakings, i’d always try to inspire her, help her in anyway i can, in short, this mortal man was trying to be a superman… But it’s not enough…
She told me she GAMBLED and chose me and now she said she’s regretting her decision, it’s like she she should have gone with the other one instead… I felt like i was slapped in the face countless times…
it’s painful…
oh, where and when did i get dumped?
IN HER CAR before giving me a final kiss, and when i got out the rain was pouring and i had no umbrella… the rain drops masked my tears while i was mindlessly and aimlessly walking for sometime before i realized i had to go home…
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half (from June 2010 to beginning of 2012) – we were good friends for a year before that and everything seemed absolutely perfect, he was funny, decent, very tall (first physical feature I look for in a guy!), had almost exactly the same interests as I did, and yeah, when he asked me out it was the most natural thing ever, we talked about a long term future (I was 19 and he was 22) and everything was fine for over a year. All our friends knew he was moody and temperamental but I was always able to handle it without any problems. Around August I got mildly annoyed at him a couple of times as he had this habit of always making fun of me and patronising me – it takes a lot to offend me, but at times it just got a bit too much and sometimes I couldn’t tell if he was joking or if he really thought I was stupid, which pissed me off because I know I’m an intelligent person. Anyways we’d sort it out and get over it and there was never any problem. However at the beginning of September I was feeling particularly down and PMS-y and I told him that I felt a little taken for granted, and he got so incredibly offended he told me that he was worried about our relationship, and ignored me the entire next day despite me apologising over and over again…I know I was just being over-sensitive when I said that, I just wanted some affection and didn’t articulate it well. By the end of the next day he seemed okay and everything had gone back to normal.
However at the same time, he moved from working in the city to working 5 minutes away from his home, so it wasn’t as easy to meet up with him anymore, and as neither of us had told our parents yet (coming from strict Indian families) and we both had family friends, he got nervous about family friends seeing us near his work, which I could understand. But at the same time, he began acting a little oddly – he was talking to a friend from work one day and I was standing with him, and the friend asked ” is that your sister?” pointing at me, and my boyfriend just mumbled something incoherently. I was hurt but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to pick a fight. Also, that whole day he refused to let me touch him – wouldn’t hold my hand, let me put my arm around him, and even when I went to give him a spontaneous hug, he pushed me away, even though I was really tired and feeling unwell that day. But at the same time he still talked to me normally so I thought maybe he was just having a mood.
A couple of weeks later, I got the news that one of my close relatives had passed away suddenly in India, and I was naturally very distraught. I told my bf about it and he said “aw that sucks” but didn’t offer much comfort, and I felt weird to demand sympathy – I saw him the next day and didn’t really talk about it with him. But the day after that, I was feeling particularly down, and when I was chatting to him online, I told him that I wasn’t in a very good mood, and he sarcastically replied “good luck with moping” and went to bed. I was absolutely shocked by the callousness, but then blamed myself, feeling like maybe I was being an attention-seeker by telling him I was sad.
After that, things really went downhill. I didn’t confront him about what he had said, but instead forgave him in my mind and acted totally normally towards him – I loved him more than anything else in the world. However he began acting really weirdly…when I saw him at the temple one day, he ignored me (and again I tried to make excuses for him, because he might have been awkward to talk to a girl in front of his gossiping family friends), and also forbade me quite sternly to visit him at work, saying that it was a waste of my time, and when I tried to assure him that it wasn’t a waste and I’d quite happily travel to see him for a few minutes, he would get angry at me. He’d also go for days, almost a week barely talking to me, and I got more and more frustrated – I even got mildly annoyed because he randomly deleted a post I had written on his FB wall! At the same time, I tried to tell him that I understood if he was busy and respected that he had other commitments, but just wanted to know what the situation was and when we would have time to spend together, and he just wouldn’t reply. In fact when I got frustrated one evening and told him I hadn’t seen him for nearly 3 weeks and what to do about it, he basically accused me of being selfish and not understanding. He also said on a couple of occasions that he wouldn’t visit me at uni because he didn’t like the traffic on the way there, and then when I said I’d come all the way to see him instead if it was convenient for him, he said it took him 5 minutes to get home and he wouldn’t stay out longer. He just refused to make any time for us, and when I explained to him calmly that I didn’t have a problem with him being busy and didn’t want to feel like I was being demanding, but just wanted him to let me know what was going on, he told me I was talking ‘BS’! And he had this amazing way of making me feel guilty and feeling like the stupid, immature one. He’d come online now and then and be friendly, but I felt like I couldn’t say anything for fear of him blowing up – oh did I mention that he told ME that if he said anything I would kick up a fuss, even when I assured him that i would listen to anything he said and he didn’t have to worry!
I dropped the topic after that because I didn’t want to seem like an annoying, nagging girlfriend, but I went nearly a month without seeing him, and only saw him at a mutual friend’s 21st party. The week before, I had gone to his work to surprise him when he came out, but he didn’t see me and went straight to his bus stop, and by the time I tried to get to him, he’d already left…I called him in tears, and sobbed all the way back to the train station. Even when I asked him to please help resolve this issue of seeing each other, he never said anything. Then, as my uni exams finished, his relatives came to stay with his family for a month, so I understood that I wouldn’t be able to see him during that time, although I did visit him one day during his lunch break at work – he only spent 20 minutes with me despite having an hour off, and spent 10 of those minutes reading the paper I had given him. Again when I went to hug him he pushed me away and said I was weird. In fact, I got no real affection, not a single kiss or a cuddle from him since the beginning of September, and by now it was November.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see him for a month, but I didn’t expect him to barely even talk to me all of November…I got maybe a couple of text messages over the course of three weeks, and one or two phone calls, and I was sick of always being the one initiating contact, so I decided to give him some space. The week after they left, in December, he called and messaged me again, so I figured everything was normal, but while he was friendly and funny and his usual self, he again refused to answer my questions about when we could meet up. By the end of the week, I was fed up, and again was slightly PMS-y, and sent him an annoyed email asking what the hell was going on…I hadn’t seen him for a month and it felt like he didn’t care about me and I wanted him to communicate with me, and not just when it was convenient for him. He got so offended by that email again, and again I apologised over and over again and asked to talk about it, but he ignored me – I saw him that week at a friend’s dinner, and gave him a card saying sorry, a box of chocolates and a book (even though it wasn’t even my fault!) and he seemed okay but after that went back to ignoring me. At my wits end, I told a mutual friend who was close with both of us, and she asked him to talk to me…he gave her a noncommittal answer too and told her I was being irrational, retarded, psycho and crazy. He finally broke up with me ONLINE the day after New Years, telling me (to cut a long story short) he didn’t feel the same way anymore, and got angry at me when I asked him why he was doing this. I met up with him the week after he dumped me, to talk about it properly, and although I was fuming and was absolutely heartbroken and furious, as soon as I saw him crying I forgot my anger and hugged him. He told me again that it would never work, but didn’t give me a reason as to why, and was very high-handed about it all, refusing to discuss things or even apologise properly. He made me feel like I was demanding and clingy, even though I know I was none of these things. I wrote him a really long letter explaining why I said or did things, but I think it may have reinforced his opinion that I’m crazy. I still love him, and I have no idea what to do – he made me feel worthless on a consistent basis for about 2 months, and I’m still willing to work things out because of how much I love him, and because I know essentially he is a good person, but he basically said he didn’t want to put the effort in…how can someone just act so insensitively?! He always used to talk about us having a future together…kids, a house, the whole thing! Sorry about the really long post.
Oh also, all our mutual friends have complained about him being emotionally unavailable and aloof – my friend talked to him about the break up and told him that going MIA on your girlfriend is not on, even if he did that to his friends, and his response was to say “whatever, I am what I am – she knew that”. And told her there was a limit to the amount of effort he could put into a relationship. Ironically, he stopped putting an effort in for those last 2 and a half months…basically he wasn’t willing to make any compromises. He has a 9-4.30 job, lives down the road from his work, and doesn’t go out with friends (I never even met his friends), whilst I was crazily busy at uni during the same time, and yet I never made him feel like I was too busy for him. He wouldn’t even tell me why he couldn’t see me, and made me feel incredibly guilty about the whole thing…like I expected him to spend all his time with me, even when I specifically told him I understood if he was tied up with other things, but that I just wanted to know why he was busy and when I could expect to see him!
PS. I’ve left out a few details otherwise it would be waaayy too long…like telling me he wouldn’t go out on weekdays and then refusing to tell me why…telling me he wouldn’t go out on Sat evenings because he had cricket in the morning, but then going to our mutual friends’ parties etc…shoving me away anytime I tried to show any physical affection…not replying to my messages half the time, or sounding constantly irritated to anything I said…I tried to compromise so much and take the blame for everything, and I’m not even a short-tempered person, even when I was annoyed at him I’d try and speak calmly and not sound like I was accusing him, but he would immediately get defensive and snap at me. In the end he made me feel like the world’s worst girlfriend, for having the nerve to ask him when he’d be free to spend time (like I mentioned, we’d go weeks without seeing each other and he wouldn’t tell me why, there was a point where I spent more time with my friends and even my acquaintances than I did with him). I just feel incredibly guilty…maybe if I had tolerated it a bit more he would have eventually made time, but after 2 and a half months I was sick of feeling like I was unimportant to him…
Well it is painful of course it is…But honestly it sounds like 1) it wasn’t really a good fit from the first day it kicked off 2) you gave too much all along the way 3) she took advantage of your giving nature.
I am sure she’s a wonderful person and that you feel very strongly for her but it sounds like you’ve had a lucky ex-scape in the relationship sense.
I could see you in ten or twenty years time all brow-beaten and hen pecked beyond recognition.
She was a wonderful teacher and was in your life for the exact amount of time she was meant to be there. And you guys may choose to remain friends but you might consider a break of contact until such time you can be “just friends” without it being painful. It’s too hard to downshift right away.
You guys are both young and have ample time to be so serious anyway. Don’t be in a rush to settle into something so serious…Work on being happy, healthy, and comfortable in your own skin without someone in your life in a romantic sense.
When I was younger I used to use phrases like “I feel so used” (or taken advantage of) but later in life I began to realise that it was always MY CHOICE to give and if the other person just took – so be it.
No one else is responsible for my happiness (or yours). You gave because you wanted to give and you got something out of it in some way. Some pay off. I am not sure what but we always do get a payoff of sorts. You enjoyed taking her out. You enjoyed waiting for her. You stayed despite her constantly being late.
You were a willing participant. You got a lot of of it too. It just may not have been what you WANTED out of it (or in return) for all your giving.
Your goal is to be happy yourself – not make anyone else happy. You have no control over anyone else’s feelings, love, thoughts, words, emotions – etc. Trying to make someone else happy is a futile goal. To be honest, she doesn’t SOUND all that happy regardless. Maybe it’s just the way you have written it…
Find things to be grateful for and write them all down. Continue to add to the list. Also write down what you’ve learned about what you do / don’t want from a relationship.
This time with her has served you well. It was by no means a waste of your time. So find the benefits. Hold on to them. You will love again. Maybe with her. More likely with someone else who will love / appreciate you.
Ok so hang in there. x
Hi,
I’m not entirely sure why i’ve chosen to write on here but i’m feeling very low at the moment and not sure what to think or do. My ex and i were together for 6 years (i am 26) and have a kid together and we have recently broken up (well recently imo). He moved into his own place about 7 month ago but we continued seeing each other a lot and then he broke up with me in January sometime, slept together for the last time about 3 or 4 weeks ago.
i have took it badly to say the least. all i do is eat and i cant sleep. it did not come out of the blue as we started arguing a lot and it got quite heated but i loved him with all of my heart and we would always remain together. i have been trying to stay strong as i need to be a good mother but the moment that i dreaded and literally have nightmares about has happened: my ex has started seeing someone else. i dnt know if its serious or not but all i know is that i am being physically sick. it still feels so soon for me even though he claims we have been apart for ages. After reading posts on here im starting to understand that he has probably been emotionally checked out for a while and so it is not new for him.
i have work and college and most importantly a child to think about so i know i should not be allowing myself to fall apart which is what im doing. i wake in the morning and feel like i cant breathe and i hate myself because of it.
Basically i just wanted to let this all out as i dnt feel like i have anyone i can really talk to as my friends just say things like ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ and dnt seem to understand how badly i feel. i just need to know how to be ok.
hello thea, i just read your latest post, im assuming it is the reply to my post. also, im not that young for i am already in my early 30s and she’s in her late 20′s.
She just txt’d earlier today and she said that it’s over and she said that she’d always have a special place in her heart Minutes before a VERY important office meeting of mine via teleconference. I was talking to my foreigner-boss and he immediately noticed something with my voice, i just said that im just not feeling well.
After my office meeting she called again and told me to call her for i have a phone plan that i can make unlimited calls… we talked again and it was a lengthy one, my voice was cracking and i began to sob… AGAIN… she felt guilty she said that she’d wanted to see me so she can comfort me but i refused because i know it wont change things i will only look like a fool in front of her crying… I also said that i dont want to plead and beg anymore… She again asked for me NOT to hate her, she asked if we can still be friends… FRIENDS?! how can i be friends with someone whom friendship wont be enough? She said that she also has issues as well, but i told her that im not enumerating her mistakes one by one for i know that she’s just human and she also has her share of bad days as well. I told her that never did once i complain to her, and i always did my best to make her and her family happy. I told her that i have accepted her in her entirety, not only a part of her. That to me, love is enough for you to accept one’s weaknesses and shortcomings, and i have proven time and time and again that i always keep my promises.
she told me that she’s just OVERWHELMED by our relationship… That she’s simply becoming too dependent on me but I told her that i dont have any plans of controlling her, or forcing her to do (or not to do things), i told her that i am always supportive of her and that we are EQUALS, 50/50. She said that there are many things to tell but i guess wont be told anymore…. She also told me that I have issues with my temper and we have different stand on things… She told me that both of us cant change anymore because our principles and values are cast in stone already, i told her that it doesnt have to be “changed” but it’s more of meeting halfway, more of respecting one’s opinion, not monopolizing who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s more of respect and acceptance that no one is perfect and no one will have an identical set of values and principles as another.
I told her that i have issues as well and i am acknowledging them and also doing things to address them, i know i have temper issues and it my insecurities revolving arnd my illness, that i may not be good enough for her when compared to her previous flame. You see, it’s quite difficult to dispel this fear that i really may die in such an early age… The anxieties and fears are real and they cause me to have sleepless nights. And when i think of her demands and her saying that there will always be ANOTHER man who’d be able to give her demands because she know what she’s worth, honestly, im tremendously pressured to meet those demands.
We agreed that we wont see each other soon for some time then we’ll address our personal issues, a few weeks/ months maybe? She told me that im free and she’s giving me time to think about things, she also would like to think about things (or date other men as well i dunno).
I told her that if she doesnt see me as the one for her anymore then might as well tell me ASAP so i can start moving on with my life…
I am a mortal superman, i always act like a superhero but still mortal to have weaknesses, limitations, and shortcomings…
Well it all sounds very healthy to be honest. Your talk. Your taking a time out.
>> I told her that if she doesnt see me as the one for her anymore then might as well tell me ASAP so i can start moving on with my life…
I tend to be one who says “prepare for the worst” and hope for the best in life. I really do. So you may as well begin healing, working on the stuff you feel needs worked on and surrender the whole thing.
The Scots have a fave phrase of mine “whatever’s for ye won’t go by ye”.
If you two are meant to reunite – you will. You take care.
We all have the shortcomings, weaknesses, and limitations. You’re only human – as is she.
x
Thea, just wondering what you thought of my situation?
While I am sympathetic to your heartbreak, of course, I am not sure what I can say here.
You say you’re not sure what you can do and that you’d be willing to work it out – which is all well and good but this guy, at this moment is NOT willing to do so. There is nothing TO DO but to heal and move on.
Dump him off your online sites/messaging programs and start to heal.
This guy by your own words, was moody, unreliable, unwilling to work at things, make time for you, called you psycho and clingy and a whole zillion other things…
If this was your BEST FRIEND saying all this to you – what would you tell her?
Hang in there. Keep trying?
No you’d say “ok I know you care but enough is enough, stop banging your head on a brick wall” for someone you’re making a priority when he’s only making you an option. Whenever he feels like it. And you’re just taking it or you’re more to the point arguing with reality trying to make it something different then what it is.
The question now is less about him and more about YOU and why you’re attracting someone into your life like this and trying to desperately to keep him there. And your response should just be “because I love him” because whether that’s even true or not….what you’ve described by all accounts is NOT love.
You are worthy of a guy who will call you, make the effort to see you, regardless of traffic, and who will value you. Stop settling for less. This guy has been a wonderful TEACHER for you. He’s shown you what you do and don’t need. A callous person who can’t even be there when you’re grieving is not the sort of man you need in your life for the long term.
Take out an actual pen and paper and write down everything he did that was really right…and all the things where you’d wished for a different response (eg. sympathy after a death) and detach from the emotion for this exercise. While I know people aren’t black and white nor should our expectations be…but for this exercise be clinical.
You’ll start to see the sort of Pro Con list in a different light.
You have mutual friends – so you’re going to bump into him in the future I guess…
But for now STOP ALL CONTACT. Not IMs, no texts, no emails, no FB contact – NOTHING. When you do see him stop trying to talk all this crap out. He’s made his case very CLEAR to you. He doesn’t want to be with you which is fine. You don’t want to be with someone you need to CONVINCE should be there anyway – screw it. But when you see him – smile – act as if you don’t give a crap, you’re happy, healthy, positive (not a psycho) and you’re moving on without him. No more time wasted. (of course you will FEEL different but acting a bit indifferent will bug the crap out of him I suspect). It would help if you smile a lot and are maybe a bit flirty with other people
While I don’t encourage game playing as such – always the one who looks like they are getting on with their life, smiley, happy, embracing the world, is more attractive than the mopey one who acts all uncomfortable so in that case I say “act as if” – you’re over it – if you’re in mutual company. Cry later if you have to but it really does bug dumpers to see the dumpees getting on with their lives!
As I think Shakespeare said “The best revenge is happiness”.
So stop trying to build your case on how he’s wrong, you’re right and you simply deserved more. you’re arguing with reality and that’s what is causing the most pain. What you resist persists so surrender to it. Trust that it’s all unfolding divinely.
You take care! Onwards and upwards. Avoid staring at this closed door and notice that open window over there x
hi, just wondering if you could possibly give me any advice on my situation.
Also, he has tried to deny he is seeing her even though i know it is true. I called him and asked him to please have the decency to be honest with me but he was just screaming at me down the phone that i have to move on and it has nothing to with me who he sees. In addition to this, in the same conversation he claimed to have been working the previous weekend and thats why he never saw his kid, yet i then found out he was hanging out with her. I even had to delete my facebook as i could not help but see him flirting on it, i am so embarrassed! I think it is the fact that he doesn’t even care about my feelings which hurts the most. He is just so cold and horrible to me.
Thanks Thea, you’re absolutely right. I think my main issue is the guilt and self-blame I’ve been putting on myself – I felt that the reason he was acting colder towards me was purely because there was something inherently wrong with me, and that I had just been too impatient or hadn’t been clear enough with my requests, but like you said, he was there for me only when he felt like it, and being rude on a consistent basis to the other person in your relationship is never a healthy sign I suppose. I haven’t been contacting him at all, but I need to get over the guilt that everything was my fault and I ruined the whole relationship. But I’ll definitely try to move on. What really hurts though, is the fact that a few weeks after he dumped me, he went all the way to the same uni during peak-hour traffic to see one of our close friends (the one that asked him why he wasn’t talking to me) and got a movie and dinner with her, and has basically been going out to places more, especially visiting her, even though he told me he wouldn’t go out and wouldn’t come visit me and all of that…kind of sad because I had told her everything that happened and what he had said about not bothering to see me and she still acts reaally close and almost couple-y around him even in my presence, even though I know they’re just friends. At the same time, she tells me that she knows he behaved badly, so I’m a bit confused, not sure if I should stay away from her for a while or not, because she’s a very good friend of mine.
Hello Thea
Your words are enlightening, but now i am again confused with the situation…
She called last sunday out of the blue and i entertained her call. When i answered she just said that she just want to have a chat so i obliged. Then when it was already evening, she texted and told me that she misses me and apologizes if she keeps on contacting me even if she hasnt resolved anything yet and she understands why im keeping myself away… My rickety defenses broke down so i called her and we talked and i said that i miss her too. I told her that the reason im not communicating is that i dont want to further drive her away from me, also, i dont want to influence her decision and i dont want to plead and beg anymore. I told her that she should just think of things and soul search if she still wants a future with me, if she doesnt want a future with me she can start dating other men.
she was surprised that before i was begging and pleading and now i was saying those things. She told me that i should think of things too, i told her that i have already made up my mind and she knows my answer (which is i want the relationship to continue), but if she doesnt want to anymore i will walk away from her and she wont hear anything from me ever again. I told her to focus on her studies and profession for the mean time and prioritize herself. She asked me if i will find someone else already, i said that feelings and emotions isnt like a switch you can flick on/ off, i asked her the same question and she said that she also doesnt see herself seeing anyone soon (how long? i dunno). she then told me if she got into an accident will i shed a tear? OF COURSE! i also told her that my world will crumble, so she always has to take care of herself all the time.
i still can focus much and cant sleep… when i close my eyes i see her face, i remember our good (and bad) times, im reading a back Getting Past your breakup, and im having a hard time implementing the things there like absolutely “NC” …
Also, to add, my mom had a mild stroke, and my grandmom talked to me and she said that she feels she’s going to die soon, which, adds to my anxiety and sadness. Also, i have my own medical condition as well which really makes it hard for me… I have almost zero hours of sleep for the past week…
Im thinking of suicide but i dont want to because it will hurt more people and it is against my beliefs, but im getting sadder by the moment… As if im locked in a cold dark cell with the key thrown away… Im going to the psychiatrist in 2 days and i would like to have professional help already in dealing with these things.
can you please give me advice?
thank you