- Departures
One of my favorite threads over the past decade here on SYBD was the “How, When and Where Were You Dumped?” thread. It was a long-running thread where people told their personal stories of being dumped in random locations:- like in supermarkets, planes, in cars, in bed, on the sofa, in restaurants, in car parks, in the bath tub – the list goes on and on.
TIMING:
They were left at random times too, such as, on their birthday, over the holidays such as the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s period, when pregnant, during their exams, on vacation, in the hospital, or on the oh-so-beloved Valentine’s Day.
METHODS:
They were dumped on over the phone, by text, by email, over instant messages, on Post-Its (yes even before Sex and the City ever wrote that into their story line, it was on here,…) one young girl was even dumped by her ex’s mother!
DISSED BY DISAPPEARANCE:
Some people don’t even get the courtesy of a “goodbye” the person just vanishes. That is not at all a pleasant experience and leaves the one being left with so many unanswered questions. That may be the worst way of being left. I’m not sure.
The thread was thirty-five pages long and was proof of how universally-bad people are when exiting their relationships.
Gay, straight, young, old, across this entire globe of ours – it doesn’t seem to matter – we’ve seen people getting it all oh-so-wrong.
NO GOOD WAY TO DUMP
I’ve been dumped over the phone (trans-Atlantic call), in bed, and my husband dumped me face-to-face at the front door as soon as I’d walked in from work one Sunday night (when I had a friend visiting from Australia). Priceless timing.
Personally, I’ve been on both sides of the dumping. I’ve learned there are no truly good ways to dump anyone. There are only less bad ways. Even I, who is arguably somewhat of an “expert” on this subject, haven’t always done it the “right” way (if there is such a thing). In the past, I’ve said cheerio over the phone, in emails (once right before Valentine’s Day! Oops), and in person too.
So nope, the fact is when it comes to leaving – no one I’ve met yet is an “expert” at it. There is always an element of pain in any parting. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye, and why so many people get it so terribly wrong.
Wrong times. Wrong places. Wrong methods.
So today’s blog post is for you - how when and where have you dumped or been dumped? Tell us your story. It’d be good if you have some examples of how you or your ex got it “right” when saying “goodbye”.
Maybe there is something that can be learned from all these so-called “wrongs”. Someday I’ll add it to my chapter on ‘Getting Goodbye Right’…
Thanks for your input!
She said she loves me and that she’ll always love me, but she just “didn’t love who we were together”. Okay so let me get this straight, If I love you and you love me (always) then we’re unlovable together? What? Clearly this doesn’t make any sense at all. It is probably a lie, or at least a kind of evasion. Maybe by this she means that she doesn’t love an image she has about our relationship, a made up idea that means something to her, which was probably a fiction and lacks the full objective realities about our relationship. What is this image or idea? And why has she been drawn to it? What makes it such a convincing representation of what our love is?
Apparently she felt that these additional questions and reflections weren’t relevant in the email she just sent me. 5 and a half years and she can’t even summon up the care to think about what she is saying to me right now? Sure, it’s upsetting, but really? You can’t get in touch with what’s really going on inside you and have the courage to be straight about it. I’ve been insistent on communication and transparency, but I think she’d rather delude herself with her tears than be responsible for her feelings and thoughts toward me.
I’m not going to say that this is entirely a ‘female’ problem, but I’d certainly say, in my experience, it is more prevalently the girl who prides her self in ‘feeling’ and having such a gentle and sensitive heart but carefully ignores her own thinking and personal choosing throughout a relationship. Senseless. Heartless. Deceptive.
All I can hear is Thom Yorke’s voice singing “Just cause you feel it, doesn’t me it’s there”. Yes well I am so green and lonely now, but after a subtly deceitful explanation as that, I can’t help but not hold her in such a high regard. I mean, come one, stop trying to keep the nice girl image and just admit that you really don’t love me and wont always love me and that you’re actually in the process of murdering something we’ve been growing for almost 6 years now. And stop crying whenever I bring these things to light, as if I had to dance around your feelings when you’re doing something like this to me.
Gosh, so two-faced and insincere. Maybe there is a girl out there who’s finally ready to engage in an authentic and vulnerable relationship, one that speaks directly the desires of her heart and actually has the strength and integrity to love an Other rather than forgetting them in their own twisted self-absortption. Maybe, I’ll just have to see…
I’m fourteen, I know you think this is too young to be in love but I’ve had bad experiences with relationships and I was wondering where I’m going wrong and how to avoid making the same mistakes? My first boyfriend was Dan. Dan told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me forever, I trusted him. I had sex with him, it was my first time. After my first time he was really quiet and I left quite early. He never spoke to me again, he didn’t even dump me, I was so hurt. My next boyfriend was Connor. We was together for a few months, we had several arguments but we always said sorry within minutes. I go to school with him and one day I didn’t go in because I was sick and I got a text saying ‘we need to have words’ so I said please don’t dump me face to face. He later messaged me saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but I never got a reason why. I asked him several times but he just ignores me and it hurts so much to see him at school everyday.
After a year and a half of dating, my ex dumped me. I lost my virginity to him, he was the first man I ever fell in love with, and we had plans to get married. He had been going through a tough time and one night I just had a feeling. In the morning I asked him if he was going to dump me, and right then and there he broke up with me… Over text… Right before my hardest final… And refused to answer his phone or see me.
I was so sure he was my soulmate… But everything happens for a reason, and who knows, someday soon I might find the perfect man for me.
He wants to be friends, and I want to to! But I jusr found out that he is dating someone else, so I have no idea what to do…
One day at a time I guess
I am sorry Sophie. I’ve been meaning to reply but am juggling many things just now.
Well 14 does seem young to be having sex to be honest, and not likely it has ever been “love” yet – more like lust. You’re certainly not alone in having sex with people that get what they want and leave. It’s pretty common all over the world. There is almost no one at 14 that can say the word “forever” and mean it about anything. Most people at 20 can’t. Heck I don’t think anyone can say and truly mean it. We don’t know how we’re going to feel, think, act or anything in our future. There is no forever. There is only the NOW.
I have been a little boy crazy my whole life and it took many years for me to have a lasting relationship (and my first sex)…I waited until I was just past 20 before I did have sex because I wanted to be with someone I knew who would be there the next day. I am glad I waited. Now you’ve done it already – so that’s fine but with the next guy – do your best to take your time. If some guy is pressuring you to have sex, no matter how much you like him – don’t do it until YOU are ready.
And always make sure you’re using protection, by that I mean condoms, because there are so many sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies going on here now. Because so many people aren’t so knowledgable so they’re passing diseases around and getting babies when they’re 15 or 16 – in many ways still babies themselves.
So please be careful will you? Go easy on yourself. Value yourself. And don’t assume there is anything wrong with you. People do what you’re describing to many people across all ages – men women gay or straight…There’s not necessarily anything “wrong” that you’re doing ok?
Just maybe focus on friends and school work just now. you have a lifetime to find that love. Just enjoy being a teen as much as you can (I know it’s hard). You’re ok hon. Just keep on keeping on. Hold your head up high and don’t show the guy you care
xxx
Well you sound great – all things considered hon! I guess there are a few good things to take away here. First it’s your attitude which impresses me quite a lot. 2nd he could have just cheated behind your back but he didn’t, he told you. He was A soul mate no doubt but not THE soul mate. I personally believe you will have many who fit that description in your life. It seldom is a case of it being “the one” no matter how much we hope and believe there is such a thing.
One day at a time – for sure yes. Friends. Maybe in time. Right now it’d be a head-f**k for either of you to try and not that great for the new person either.
You’ll love again. You’ve a great attitude that will see you through x
so a few months ago a met this guy over a dating web page – it was my first time into one of these sites- we started talking over emails, then text, facebook..eventually we agreed to meet…first day was great…im on my late 20′s and he is 32 both of us recently divorced but i dont have any kids..he does..anyway we dated for 3 months or so..he started a lil intense already making plans to take vacations together..he introduced me to his kids but as a babysitter – i know now that i should of have run after that- then in the last month he started to become distant and i also found out that his profile on the dating page was still activated in fact he was checking it on daily basics..i finally got the courage and asked him if everything was k…- he was the one asking me to be “exclusive”- and he went on saying yea we are cool no worries…we even spent all thanksgiving weekend together..i made dinner for us and some of his friends…then around xmas…i barely got to see him on xmas day..we only went out for dinner..no present, no nothing..after that i didnt hear from him for a week! not even a greeting on new years…by that time i pretty much assumed it was over i didnt even text or call him…i waited…i couldnt wait anymore and i sent him a text asking him what happend if everything seemed to be going so great… he even asked me to move in with him- he got a job promotion and had to leave to other state-anyway he text me back next day saying ..- it became pretty obvious you wanted more than i could give you, i need to get with you and get my drill set…..i was like wtf!!! he was the one asking to be exclusive, planning vacations together, asking me to move in w him..iv never asked for any of that..i even tried to help him and whenever he needed a babysitter i was there to help…anyway i met him to gave him his stupid drill i didnt even say a thing..actually i had my whole speech planned but when i met him he barely said hello to me ..or even looked at me..i swallowed all my words and my tears..just smile ..gave him his rusty drill – funny cus he brags about all the money he makes but then he is all whining for a rusty drill that doesnt even work- n left…i dont know what i did wrong..i really liked him, we never had a disagreement and i never asked for anything…n yes i know he is a jerk and all that but still bothers me, still hurts…that day when i saw him i felt so much pain and i felt so vulnerable … whats wrong with guys???? now im just taking a break from dating !!…oh did i mention that he even told me that he love me??? i never said anything back cus it was over text n he was away on a trip..and drinking that day so i assumed it was just the alcohol and mixed emotions cus he just got divorced…
Ahhh a drill. That’s funny. You’re hurting now but eventually you’ll be able to regal friends and acquaintances with that story. I know cos I got accused of “stealing” an “electric saw” myself. When in fact my ex just had it in some box in that house we just had bought a month prior. LOL. I also got accused of stealing CD racks which had housed my CDs for the better part of three years (he had like 10 CDs – I have about 3,000)…So I laugh now but yes it hurt at the time.
Anyway – he’s not a bad guy. Inept at dealing with emotions / communications – perhaps but not likely a “bad” guy in the great scheme of things. How long had he been single after his divorce? And yourself?
In a sitch like this we torment ourselves with memories and replaying everything trying to work out what WE did wrong when often it’s not about us. Even his saying you wanted too much etc – was just his projection onto you.
I’d just try to find the good you got out of it and take them away with you – the dates, the sex, the fun times, and be grateful you had some of them for a while.
Don’t punish yourself or berate yourself because he chose to walk….because he couldn’t handle it.
If he’s moving away then good. Good luck to him. He was your transition person and maybe you’re his. In any event I’d try to see it that it lasted as long as it was supposed to.
And the next guy you “bring in” (to your life) bring in one who can handle communication and emotions.
It’s all good. Even though it hurts right now – it’s helped your growth. It’s helped you to learn some things about yourself and about your interactions. It won’t have been a waste of time even though it stings right now.
This is NOT about you. OK? Repeat that after me “this is not about me”. It’s about HIM and what he was or was not able to handle.
Take care, Thea x
So I thought this may help the healing process…
My breakup happened over a year ago now. We had been together for 3 years, I thought I was happy, I thought it was my first love – maybe it was, or maybe my memory plays tricks on me. I received a call 4 days before my birthday after us not having spoken for around a week. It was over. No why. It just was. That was it. I practically begged, I wasn’t humiliated because I wanted to know I’d done every possible thing to save this. I did. And it didn’t make it any better, he still didn’t want to continue the relationship. I asked for him to meet me in person as I thought it would give me closure (!) , so we met, in a train station and he cried. I didn’t. It was sad, really sad. But I still never knew why it ended. It just had to end apparently. So I left on the train. He hugged me and I just stood there numb.
He sent me a birthday card – with a picture of Paris (where we had first met), how apt I thought. Yet I still couldn’t throw it away.
So then around 6 weeks later I received an email – I don’t even remember now what it said (I deleted it straight after reading to avoid torturing myself). I never replied.
Later I found out that he was with a girl that he had known when we were together. Naturally, I imagined that they must have been together whilst we were – I’ve never had the occasion to ask.
The problem is, I’m proud. I never wanted to contact him again as I knew that not contacting him was the only chance I would have of hurting him. Yet maybe I’ve just ended up hurting myself as over a year later I’m still as clueless as to why the relationship ended.
Through therapy I have been able to see the reality of the relationship, but still there is this feeling that I can’t let go of what happened. I think regularly about contacting him – I must have at least 6 letters that I have never sent. Some days I think I should send them, then the pride kicks in and I don’t.
Louise
>> I’m still as clueless as to why the relationship ended.
I’ll tell you why it ended – because he met someone else he fancied more Simple as that.
I know because I had the *same thing* happen to me. (Also had his MOTHER tell me that same thing, so I know it smarts, but sadly it’s true,…)
There is no answer. There is NOTHING he can tell you that will make you feel BETTER about the situation. He won’t have a black and white answer that you’ll be able to wrap your head around.
In fact, he may not even know why he chose to go down that route with her. Most people are clueless of their actions / patterns anyway.
When it happened to me, I went through exactly the process you are. I actually made excuses for him. “He must have gotten scared as we’d just bought this big family home” yadda yadda…but the fact was – he met someone else he liked better at that moment. Whether or not it will last remains to be seen.
My ex, AFAIK, is with her more than a decade later and I am glad. It means he left me for his “soul mate”. Good luck to him / them. Better than getting dumped for a fling.
…But I can tell you that his leaving is not likely that it was down to YOU – the fact you weren’t tall enough, short enough, funny enough, smart enough, thin enough, fat enough, gorgeous enough, rich enough, blah blah blah…
There is no “answer” to why someone chooses someone different – and “closure” is this allusive thing we look for, but I don’t personally believe we ever truly find. The answers we need to come up with ourselves.
So I’d suggest you stop asking “why” this happened, and start asking how you’re a better, stronger, more savvy person as a result.
In other words as better questions. How you can turn this experience into something wonderful.
You’re a year down the road. You’ve had therapy. He was in your life for as long as he was meant to and now it’s a case of moving on to something wonderful. OK?
My break up happened over a year ago. I divorced my husband after over 6 years of marriage. I got tired of the lieing, stealing,gambling and everything thing else that comes with dealing with someone with a habit. But what’s worse is these feelings of loneliness and the thought of him being with another women. This other women being married herself, with 4 kids by 3 different men.
I went through so much with this man..from abuse, his gambling addiction, him taking my money, losing jobs and lieing about how he lost them. He put me through a lot but I would always stay. He made me believe I couldn’t make it on my own and I always felt vulnerable because im in a state that im not from so he was able to control me until I woke up one day and said to myself, “I can do this on my own.”
Things really got bad when i found out that he’d taken all my bill money to gamble. Im talking $3,ooo worth of bill money. My lights got cut off, I could have lost my truck and worse my health was affected by the amount of stress that put me under. I was sooooo depressed and i felt defeated by him.
All i could think about is how can someone do this to the person they say they love? How can you treat someone so horribly? When i left our home in 2009 he begged me not to leave..but i did. I felt like this is what i had to do to make sure me and my child ( who’s by a previous man) had stability. I feared every day that the bank was gonna come take our home. He wasn’t holding down a job and because my name was not on the loan, I could never get information regarding the status of our mortgage payments. I could never trust what he said because he would always lie. He would tell me everything was ok..but i knew better.
Then on one of my last night in my home, he withdrew all the money i had on a pre paid debit card. He lied and said that one of his friends took my money. I yelled and cried because he thought i was an idiot to believe that when a pin number has to be used to withdraw money. This is when i made my great escape. I barrowed money from family members to get away from him. I was gone in two weeks or so. When he realized i was leaving, he begged me to come. He pleaded with me. Tried to negotiate with me. He even acted as if he was gonna get revenge on this so called friend who took my money. It was a sad and desperate act on his part and i felt bad looking at this 40 year old man who was losing everything around him. His wife, i sent motorcycles back, his truck got repoed and he had no job. I felt horrible. But i tried.
I went through this for about 4 yrs and i just couldn’t take it anymore. After i left him, i did what so many women do. I let him move in with me. Big mistake. But i loved him..after all he was my husband. And he was a provider at one point in time. I think he got sucked in to that nasty life of gambling and who knows what else.
After he moved in with me, his old ugly habits resurfaced. Barrowing money from, cell phone was always getting cut off. Little things from my apt went missing. We argued a lot and his behavior was always suspicious. I finally put him out when he stole some items from a family members house. I was embarressed and devestated.
I never thought my marriage would end like that. This was a very dark moment for me because this man make a complete 360. He was not the man i met in 2004. Or was he? I always ask myself this question. Was he always this way and his true colors finally came out? IDK…but i went forward with my divorce last year because after putting him out in 2010, I discovered that this is when he put me behind in my bills $3000. He had also sold all of my stuff i left in my house when i moved out. Im talking salon dryer/chair, grill, workout equipment, my son’s basketball goal. He even sold all the appliances that came with the house. YES! He sold it all.
This was all a slap in my face. So the beginning of my story is basically my end. I just wanted to add the meat and potatoes of it all just so i can get some sound advice on how to handle these feelings i have. I feel angry, sad, depressed, defeated, confused and lonely. I’ve dated a few guys but i don’t want to jump into another relationship when i don’t feel like im ready.
My ex lives with one of his family members and the few times i’ve seen him have been awkward. We don’t speak. And like i said, he’s seeing someone who has baggage herself. But i find myself wondering if he thinks about what he did. And if he feels bad about? I know we will never get back together but i miss the person i met. Was that the real “HIM” i don’t know. But i miss what was and not what he has become. I think too much about his new relationship and how he is with her. I don’t like doing this but i can’t help it.
I read on this site a blog about being replaced and it offered some good advice. It said something about if he had characteristic flaws when he was with me, he will still have them in his new relationship. He basically moved on into this relationship with this new girl in 3 months. So he neve gave himself time to get himslef together. I just want to get over these negative feelings and thoughts. Please help
My girlfriend of 4 years (2007-2011) graduated back in May of 2011 and was forced to move away due to her not finding a career here and me moving back home due to expenses. Over the years, I’ve developed to grow more into her and love her as a person, then as a lover. I take my time when it comes to developing these things because I’ve been hurt by the girl before her and she and I never dated. She led me on only to find out that she was dating someone else I didn’t know about. It literally broke my heart…and I never wanted to feel pain like that ever again…
When 2007 rolled around, I started dating the aforementioned girlfriend. She was smart, pretty and a bit shy, but I felt like I was ready to date someone and actually establish a relationship with someone. She was a bit young. I was 24 at the time and she was 19, going on 20. On top of that, I was her first boyfriend. So due to her inexperience, you can see why she was very shy. I basically taught her to go through the basics of dating and went really slow at this with her. Besides, like I said, I like taking my time at these things because I was hurt by someone before her.
Our first date was us watching the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I knew she was stoked about it, so I treated her to go out and see it for our first date. Coincidentally, another close friend of mine was on a date with one of her high school friends (she went to an all-girls Catholic school) watching the same movie. I talked to my friend for a bit and he told me how the date was going….apparently, not so well. The girl wasn’t interested in him and they just remained friends. That same day, he befriended my girlfriend and they talked for a bit and she and I went on our merry way.
I spent four, wonderful, memorable years with this girl. We did almost everything together. There were times were things were just a little rough, but I stuck with it and wanted to keep things going with her because I loved her so much. She was a big part of my life and I wanted her to share more of it. We lived together for almost three years and everything was perfect!
But there was a time coming up ahead where I knew she was graduating from college…and she still didn’t find any work at the moment. If she were to continue without work, she would have to move back home with her parents up in Tennessee. As much as I did not want that to happen, I feared that it was inevitable. So when graduation day rolled around, she was forced to move the next day. We decided to stay together through the distance and the following week, I made a surprise visit up there to see her. She was happy and so was I. It felt like the good times once again. We spent a load of time together up until the day I had to leave. I promised her that we would work it out for us to be permanently together again. But once I got home, things started hitting me HARD.
She was away from me again…and I had that complete sense of separation anxiety. I stressed about it to her on the phone and she knew how much I missed her. She told me everything was going to be okay, but for the sake of me not stressing out so much about it, she proposed that we be friends until we figured out a plan on how we’re going to be together again. This time, for good. She promised me that she would look into it herself and that when we’re both ready, we can make our decision….together. I really didn’t know what to say, but I told her that we’d work it out and develop a plan for the both of us to be together.
Time went on and we both developed a plan and I was the first to propose it to her. But then, the unthinkable happened: She told me that she just wanted to be friends with me. I felt my heart DROP and my body went soon afterwards. I was choked up, unsure of what to say. I asked her why and she just said that she needed to “focus on her career.” I asked her if there was any way to handle both her career and our relationship and she said no. I felt heartbroken, devastated and empty. But that was just the beginning of my nightmare.
The very next day, we get into a little argument about it which led me to tell her that I just couldn’t bear the fact that if I see her with someone else down the line, it would destroy me because I was still in love with her. After reaching this settlement, we decided the no contact rule. She blocked me from Facebook…and that’s when it happened.
Remember the guy I mentioned that we saw at the theater on our first date? Well apparently, during her time away, he was keeping in touch with her through texts and Skype. He knew how I felt about her and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but he went after her anyway and took her away from me. The day she blocked me was the day they posted themselves as “engaged” on Facebook. After hearing this news from the start, it, like I said, totally destroyed me. I took off work for a week and went away under the wing of friends to help me comfort the unbearable pain I was feeling inside. I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore, like she was all that I hoped for. And after four years, she does something like this to me with a close friend of mine behind involved as well. You’re just left wondering how could she do something like that to me after all the memories we’ve had together?
I broke NC several times just wondering why she did it. I left a voicemail, no response. I left a text, no response. I left a text again, then I got a phone call from him. He was all ignorant on the phone towards me and I told him basically that he was nothing to me and I hung up on him. Not too long after that, she called me. I told her that I had two questions for her, but she immediately dismissed me by saying that she didn’t want to talk about it at the moment and would talk about it later. Little did I know, he was on the phone as well, completely silent. In the end, I never got to ask her my questions and all she said was “I’ll talk to you about it later.”
Later has been over three months now. And from what I’ve gathered, she changed her phone number. Yet, there are still photos of me and her everywhere on her page! I don’t get it! Why still keep me around? Also, their “engaged” status was fake! It was only a normal relationship set up by him just to make me feel even worse than before. She was manipulated into this, but I later found out that it was only just a relationship. This guy is definitely no good for her and she knows it. She also realizes that she did me wrong, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. As much as I would hate to let go, I know that I have to to move forward. Her own father even agrees that it’s wrong and he loves me only because I’ve been with her for so long and he’s aware of how it ended. He says that he sees me like a son and doesn’t really trusts this new guy after what he did to me. She may wake up one day and realize that what she did to me was stupid. But will she come back? I doubt it. I just feel so bad and here it is, three months later and I still cry, have dreams about her and wallow in my own misery thinking about her. Why did something like this happen to me? All I wanted was to be with someone who made me happy and who I made happy. Will the memories of us affect her new relationship? Will she miss things about me that she won’t have in him? I’ve never been this hurt by someone ever in my life! What did I do to deserve this?
Wow, that was longer that I expected. Sorry to keep you guys reading. I just had a LOT to get off my chest since coping with this a lot harder than I thought.
I’m just wondering, will it hit her later on what she missed out on now that she’s with this new guy? Will she realize anything at all after this decision?
When I posted on this website nearly a month ago, I thought that I was on my way to healing. I thought about him less, and even if I do think about him, I could do so without breaking down in tears. But yesterday, when I saw an update of him on facebook, I felt as if my heart has been sliced open again.
Since our break-up about 3 months ago ( shortly after which I had found out that my ex was actually engaged, and I’d even suspected that his wife was expecting then), I suspected that he had blocked me on facebook. Hence for the past few months, I was unable to view his profile on facebook and I totally had no news of him. It then became sort of a habit to sometimes attempt to ‘stalk’ him on facebook, just so that I would know when he has ‘unblocked’ me. And yesterday when I was just randomly searching for his name on facebook out of norm, I was surprisingly able to finally see his wall, on which he had posted an entire album on his newborn baby boy, and some pictures of his wife. I just couldn’t help but break down when I saw those pictures. ( I know it was a bad idea to stalk your ex-es after a break up but I just couldn’t help it). The baby looked like him, and they just look so.. complete together as a family. I can’t help but feel alone, and bitter. After all the promises he’d made to me, like how he claimed that he couldn’t live without me and even wanted to marry me (when he was in fact, engaged all along), I am just heart broken how he could just easily forget all about me. Of course he now has a baby to preoccupy himself, and I know that I ought to feel glad for him, but I just feel like dying.
He was my first boyfriend, the first guy that I’ve truly ever loved and bare my heart to; our break-up, and me finding out that he was actually a married man was just too abrupt. There were no warning signs at all, and all of a sudden, the relationship was over. And since then, I’ve felt pretty much like a zombie. I go to school, attend lectures everyday and do the things that needs to be done, but I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like I’m living. And just when I though I’ve felt slightly better, I came across the photos of his family and it felt as if the wall that I’d built around myself these past 3 months had crumbled once again, and I’m back to the square one. It’s not like I didn’t try to get over, I did try. I busied myself with school work, I hung out with friends, and tried to preoccupy myself. But why is it that I still can’t get over him, when he has clearly forgotten about me? And besides, it makes me feel wrong to even pine for him, when now that I know that he’s a married man. I feel really foolish, and weak, and I hate feeling this way. Please Thea, could you kindly advice me on how I could move on.
Hold on back up. Breathe. Chill. Anyone who experienced seeing their ex with a replacement of sorts and a baby would feel this way. ANYONE. Let alone someone only 3 or whatever months out. It’s a SETBACK. you’re NOT back to “Square One” you only FEEL like you are. It’s an illusion. It’s also a bit soon for you to “be happy for him” to be honest. I’d not feel that in your shoes either and I am, 12 years of running this site “an expert” of sorts on this subject.
He’s not forgotten you. He probably even misses you. You’re right though – he is DISTRACTED by all this change. It’s exciting stuff he’s going through, meanwhile you’re left behind and “pining”.
But the fact his the novelty, stress of a newborn, sleepless nights, etc – won’t mean he’s sauntered off into the sunset on the back of a white horse under the rainbow. He’s not got off scott free.
I suspect he meant what he said to you at the time. I say assume he did. Assume he misses you and assume he cares. Assume when you get over this and move on again he’s gonna feel a pang once YOU have moved on because frankly no one likes to be replaced (find that blog called that on here).
You are getting over this Chloe. It is just a setback. Breathe and push on through the pain.
I posted on our http://www.facebook.com/soyouvebeendumped page that “No good ever comes from FB stalking” or words to that description because we ONLY see things that hurt. And frankly people only tend to put up the “good” side of their life. Not the fact he’s not getting any…SEX (cos she just had a baby) or SLEEP (because they just had a baby)…
This is not a game or a competition. He’s not “winning”. He will have to live with his choices.
You have no control over that sadly. You can on keep focusing on your own life, your path, your future, you thoughts and your actions.
I am sorry you’re in pain. I can really understand it. I’ve done it once or twice and no good comes from cyber stalking
Hugs xx
Thea’s right. No good comes from cyber stalking. I went to look at the aforementioned ex a few times on FB after she blocked me via another account and saw nothing but pain. Albeit she posts positively, I know all the negatives are still there. I suspect that she still thinks about me and is just using that sack of crap of an ex-friend (aka her companion) to keep me away. But I know that eventually, consequentially, their relationship will fall.
It’s been almost four months since I was deceived by both of them and the best advice I can give to you is move forward. It won’t be easy. You WILL have days where you’ll grieve over it. Some days will be …..blah and some days will be okay. Distraction is the best method. Whatever it is that you like to do, keep on doing it. Sure, you may still think about it while you’re distracted. This is only natural, but bear in mind that it’s a lot better then being idle. The photo I’ve seen of them kissing is burned into the back of my mind. But ultimately, it will have to be a memory that I have to burn away.
Keep your head up, stay on track and never give up. Eventually, your past will become just a memory.
Good Evening Thea, i really need some advice on what i posted on Jan 23,2012. Please read it and tell me what you think. And for Chloe, my heart truely goes out to you. I tried dating once i divorced my ex only to find out the guy i was seeing was married. I just didnt get it..i often wonder why me. So this was a definate setback for me as well. Im on a leave from my job right now because of the amount of stress im experiencing.Its simply heartbreaking. Thea please give me some advice.
I’d like some helpful advice as well. Please read above.
Coco! I think you’re so totally BLESSED!! Thank Buddha you’re out of that relationship with that man. Pity the woman he’s now with because Leopards don’t change spots – not without help. And this guy has a lot of baggage he’s just transported in the new relationship.
Does he think about it all? Yes I suppose he does. He’s got an affliction/addiction and this is likely to be due to some short comings inside himself. He’s not behaving like a happy, healthy, self-actualised individual is he? Lying, cheating, stealing, gambling, selling off your worldly goods. Man I am so pleased he’s history.
You…well, you might think about seeing someone if possible? You will benefit from forgiveness. Of him. Of yourself for getting involved with and staying with and taking back a guy who clearly wasn’t a good long term fit for you. Find the good that came out of those years together. Affirm your gratitude toward what he brought into your life because a lot of good will have come out of it. Even if it’s to know the kind of man you DON’T want to be with!
It wasn’t wasted time or experience. Focus on your own life, your own finances, your home, things you can control because frankly you have no control over him / her etc. The busier I am the less time I ever have to mind-feck about an EX and his new bird! (Soooo been there and it sucks, it’s torture, I know).
Just keep getting out there with friends – old and new – don’t worry about men/dating. When you’re emotionally ready to date it will happen. Sounds like you’ll benefit from working through stuff first! I say this each day but Byron Katie has changed my life – in terms of the way I think about things…my life, my “rattlesnakes” (of the mind), my expectations of others. Google her and watch some videos. Search “The Work” and “Oprah” (with BK’s name) and start there…It may or may not work for you but it’s revolutionalised my life. Doesn’t mean I don’t get plagued by the snakes like everyone else but I can recognize them for what they are…Just thoughts. And I then bring the thoughts back home to myself because that’s what all this is about YOU. Not him. Not her. Just you. And you we can work with. Them we can’t xx
Dante sorry I was laxed at getting back to you. I did just read your post. An ex and an ex-friend? Double whammy? Is that right? But you sound good honest. You don’t actually sound like you need any helpful advice. I am not worried about you. You got a good attitude. You are maybe just having one of those blah days. Seeing a kiss photo, burning in your memory…it’s so funny because my mind is so damn powerful I create those “photos” even if I haven’t seen my replacement. So whether we have the photographic evidence or we don’t, we create the story.
You’re right people post positives more than negatives (unless the people are totally drama folk – needing constant reassurance). So can we ever really believe what we read/see online? Not likely…
I remember when I got turfed aside by the so called love of my life everyone was saying “it’ll never last” and I did too. He went right from me to her damn it – how could it. A dozen years later and they did last and after about a year after our split I wanted them to last because then at least I was dumped for his soul mate and not some “rebound fling” you know?
I have a book I read, from the Sedona Method guy/s – ‘Happiness is Free…’(See http://amzn.to/wrWSsV) and in it the guy talks about how he would keep picturing a woman he loved with his arch enemy and kept on doing it until he could see them totally happy healthy loved up and it didn’t hurt. He explains it better in his book LOL. But I did try it a while back when I was going through something not too dissimilar to you. It sucks being replaced – let alone with a friend.
But you’re gonna be great. You’re gonna heal. You’re gonna move on to someone better and you’re going to be glad you went through this temporary “blip”. OK?
Been looking for a quote in my own book (paraphrased from a user on our forum years ago) similar to what you wrote…
It is imperative to know that when it first happens to you, you will have desperate days, awful days, bad days, and okay days. In time though, the awful days will become bad days; the bad days will become okay days; and okay days will actually become GOOD days.
Just keep on pushing through and working on feeling good about you. Be the type of guy any gal would be lucky to be with. Kind, positive, empathetic, strong, communicative, etc…
You take care x
Thanks Thea, I feel much better after having read your reply. It was pretty funny, the part where you mentioned he’s not gotten off scott free, especially without the sex and sleepless nights. I hadn’t thought of that actually. I guess I’ll just try to take comfort in the fact that he’s now stuck with changing diapers while I’m still young and free, with a future full of possibilities.
As for Dante and Coco, thanks for the reply too. I know we’re all going through a really rough patch at the moment, but I guess it’s comforting to know that one is not alone at times like this. I really hope that things would eventually work out well for you guys too. All the best!
My fiancee who only proposed 6 months ago and who has been with me for 9 years turned around 6 weeks ago out of the blue and told me it was over and he doesnt love me anymore. I am totaly heartbroken and have not dealt with it at all well. I have made the error of bombarding him with texts and recently they have been pretty nasty as I have been getting very angry. I am losing my home, my cats and my whole lifestyle and future. I am getting hardly any response to my emotion, he has completely cut me off and when I do get a response, it is like a stranger who doesnt care. Why do men do this, I thought we were going to have kids and get married. Its so complicated and although its been 6 weeks, I am still in total shock. He says that ‘there have been too many nasty things said’ which is the last thing he said to me after he dumped me and that we ‘want different things’ This was all news to me?
I am so confused. I wish I had just left him and not bombarded him with texts, I have probably made things so much worse.
I’m still in the middle of this breakup right now – and you’ll see why in a bit.
My ex and I were best friends in high school – eventually, he confessed he liked me, but I didn’t feel the same way. Eventually though, I kinda liked him too, so we dated junior year, and eventually I broke it off before it got too serious and we continued to be good friends.
Fast forward to the summer after my senior year of high school. Ex had been texting me a lot asking to hang out; little did I know it was because he had feelings for me again. The truth was, I had feelings for him too, but was in denial about them and didn’t want to start something because we were going off to far away colleges soon. However, a week before he left for school, he confessed to me how he felt, and how he had felt this way for a long time, and I told him I felt the same, and for one glorious, intense week filled with Taylor-Swift-esque makeouts under the stars and in cars, we were together. We initially didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship, but after we were both settled into college, we realized that we wanted to give it a shot. So we did, and it was great. He flew up to visit me over his fall break, and we hung out a lot over Christmas. We had great communication from years of being best friends, and we were very much in love. After a teary goodbye at the end of Christmas break, we bought tickets for me to come visit him at school in February.
However, we started having little problems – or, at least, I would start feeling like he wasn’t contacting me very much and that I would be doing all the work in the relationship. When I first brought this up, he was very understanding, but when it started happening again and i mentioned it, he got madder. I tried to tell him that all I wanted was for him to text me first once in a while, and somehow he saw that as what he could give not being enough for me. I had also been having lots of problems with my roommate at that time and had been venting to him about it, and I guess it bothered him more than he let on. Both of us got insecure and took it out on each other, and the worst part was that we communicated mainly over text or gchat – NEVER a good idea. I still think my relationship could have been saved by one heartfelt phone call from me saying how much I loved him and how sorry I was. But my feeling was, and he expressed this too, that when I came to visit, we could talk things out, and everything would be fine.
So it was a week before I went to visit him, and two days before this, we had talked and affirmed that we still loved each other. I was afraid he was going to break up with me, and asked him this – he said no, he would never do that not in person, because I had been so good to him and I deserved better. Guess what? Two days later, he texts me saying he needs to talk to me and he needs 10 minutes – unfortunately, I had no time from 8 in the morning to 9:30 at night and still had tons of homework to do. I begged him to just call me the next day, but nope – he called me and told me it wasn’t working, and it just wasn’t worth it for him anymore. I was stunned. He was doing exactly what he had just promised not too. It was so sudden and unexpected, coming from someone who I thought would never break up with me. I was in tears, and sent him a very heartfelt emotional email afterwards, which actually wasn’t as desperate as it could have been, reading it now. I asked him to just give this another chance until we could see each other in person and work things out. But we skyped, and he said his decision still stood. It was like talking to a wall. I didn’t understand how he could sit there and watch me cry with such a passive expression.
And here’s the kicker – I still flew halfway across the country to visit him. We had the non-refundable tickets, he told me that he still missed me and wanted me to come visit, and I thought maybe I could get some closure. Of course I still had a little bit of hope that we could get back together, but I tried to squash that. And I’m here now. I’m at his school, and I’m glad I came, but only because I’ve realized how horrible this is. I know no one here except my ex, and although he says he wants to be friends and there are times when we easily slip back into our friendly banter, he constantly abandons me, seeming to forget that I have no friends here and nowhere to go. Basically, my options are either hang out with him or study alone, and I’m here for six days (this was my third). I’m trying so hard to either get us back together or be friends or just say fuck it and move on with my life, but honestly I’m in such a weird, lonely limbo right now where I’m forced to suppress my emotions around my ex and all his friends and none of my friends are here to give me hugs. Thank goodness for the internet, and sites like this, that are making me feel a little less alone until I go home on Wednesday.
Well hon, that is indeed rough. I feel for you going through this emotional challenge halfway across the country or whatever from you. The good thing about this is that PAIN is temporary – just like everything is. Happiness / Sadness / Joy / Laughter, etc everything comes and goes / ebbs and flows.
My current self would tell my former self that “Good Endings Make Good Beginnings”. Be strong (even if you have to fake it), say you accept his decision (even if you have to fake it at the moment), make a list of things you’re looking for from a partner because frankly this LDR must have it’s drawbacks. What are they? You’ve probably met some cool guys on your own campus and thought “he’s a bit of alright, if I were single, I’d definitely investigate”. Though I think LDRs can work – especially in cases like this one where you’ve known each other and built up a history – I still think they’re a challenge at the best of times.
You’re BOTH frankly at the age where you both should be having fun with classmates, trying different people on for size, and working hard at Uni. I look back to my Uni days (break up and all) with the biggest sense of nostalgia. Never before or since did I have a clique of friends. People scattered around the globe now.
I would try to wrap myself around the fact that it’s OVER (FOR NOW!) but that if you’re paths are meant to cross again after university they will. He’s been your first love and vice versa – it sounds like anyway – and that is never going to leave you. But I suspect though the first he’s not the last. You’ve many more relationships to go through (as a hunch).
I am not sure where you are geographically – but I’d go ahead and wander around on my own (when safe to do so). Explore the area, the coffeshops, bookstores, parks, campus etc. Go to the campus book store, buy a notebook and write out all your random thoughts and feelings. They’ll be soooo interesting to read on down the road – and be a gauge to show how far you’ve come. Channel them into something worthwhile.
I’d say to myself “I can handle this, it’s just a couple more days – I’m on vacation and I’m gonna make the most of it while I am here”. I would “act as if” I am fine with it. I’d say what I wanted to say him (you’ve probably done all that). I would do whatever it took to end on the most positive note possible.
Good Endings Make Good Beginnings. We never know where the path is taking us and I can promise you in 12 years of running this site I’ve come to believe that that Break Ups Always Work Out for the Highest Good of All Concerned (Eventually) . You can’t see where the path is taking you right now as you’re in the middle of it but trust me it’s all working accordingly.
You cannot convince, coerce, persuade someone to love you or stay with you – you can only control how you RESPOND to that happening. We get so scared when someone says they need to leave that we cling instead of WELCOMING it happening. If this guy is choosing to go – then that means something even better is on its way for you and you need to welcome that. It’s like that adage of people staring so long at the closed door that they miss the open window. What’s outside YOUR window?
So to summarise – slap a smile a file on your face, tell him you accept his decision and that ultimately you think it’s the RIGHT one because you’re going to find someone in your own postcode next time. Get a notepad and do some writing. Call on friends (and break up buddies)
to help you when you feel like contacting him. Study hard as much as you can over the coming weeks/months…but for the next few days – do a Google search to see what’s worth checking out while you’re there and go do it ALONE. Try and create some new WONDERFUL memories there – e.g. sight seeing, take some cool photos, find some cool hangouts near there. It’s only a few more days – so get out there and take your power back.
“I can handle this” is your mantra of the day. Take care x
Thanks so much for the advice! I think you’re right, I think that it’s a good idea to meet people on my own campus…except 90% of the guys at my school are gay, so it’ll be difficult. It’s gradually getting easier to accept that this is over, especially since he’s been treating me like crap and just flat-out ignoring me whenever I call him out on it. He wanted me to be here, and he wanted to be friends, so he should be prepared to deal with having me around and not expect me to just go make friends and hang out with them.
Ugh, I so wish I could go wander around and find some cool places to hang out! But this school is in this tiny little crap town in Kansas, and there’s literally nothing within walking distance, and no public transportation. It’s also kind of sketchy, or so I hear…I’m not sure that I want to go out alone. It’s awful. I’ve been typing out my thoughts on what’s happening on my computer, and also typing out a bunch of things I want to say to him before I leave. It’s sad, but after this trip, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever see him again, since we’d have no reason to get together over breaks and such, so I want to say all I need to before I leave and then I can just try to not talk to him for a while.
I’m just trying to say that mantra, “I can handle this,” as often as possible. Even when I feel like I’m imposing on everyone I come into contact with (my ex, his roommates, the girls I’m staying with – the dorms aren’t coed). It’s so frustrating because whenever I ask Ex what I should do, where I should go, etc, he gets mad at me and tells me to go make my own damn choices because he doesn’t care what I do. Today we went to brunch at his cafeteria (because he’s paying for all my food) and afterwards I was going to go back to his dorm, and he said that was fine, but girls aren’t allowed to go in the boys dorms until 12 noon and there were still 10 minutes left. I was just gonna wait outside on a bench for a while, and asked Ex if he could wait with me, but apparently that would be “pointless” so he just left me out there. When i came in finally, I asked him how long he was going to keep treating me like crap, he just shrugged and said “I’m not.” Like talking to a wall.
I realise he’s behaving cold, cruel, detached and you have to know that’s a defense mechanism. He cares even if he acts like he doesn’t. He’s frustrated (even if he doesn’t realise it) because he feels guilty and ill-equipped to handle the emotional side of things with you.
To be honest, I suspect he’s actually seeing someone there. Or interested in someone (don’t mean he has cheated just that it’s likely there’s someone else nearby he’s interested in – so he’s pushing you away).
There is no way you can know if you’ll see each other again. I suspect you will so just keep on making the effort to end on the best possible terms. It’s an emotional and confusing time for both of you (in spite of how he’s acting). Rawness will fade and it would be good if you could look back at this time proud of how you handled it. Strong. Respectful. Dignified. Be the kind of girl he REGRETS leaving.
The more you act as if you’re strong, moving on etc, the better it will be (and it might actually ANNOY him seeing you get on with things!) Start today! Only a few more days! Good luck.
PS: There is beauty even in “crap towns” – you can find it, I am sure, if you look. Take your camera (or phone with camera) around and find some cool things. Find a serene spot to sit and take it all in – in nature.
What you said about the defense mechanism is spot on, I think. I’ve been friends with him through some pretty emotional times in his life, and I have noticed that when he can’t deal with a situation emotionally, he just becomes absolutely detached and only deals with logic, not emotion. Which is why I think he just wishes I would let this go already and stop bringing it up.
I don’t know if he’s interested in anyone here; one of the things he said to me was that he didn’t want a relationship, not now and not for a long time. But he does have a lot of female friends here (who have all been extremely sweet to me) so that could be the case.
Last night, I asked him to sit down with me in a private room and I basically just read him this huge thing that I wrote about how I still love him and I would have done anything to make this work and we could have had a lot more good memories if he had only given me a chance to make things better, but that I will get over this eventually and let it go, he just has to give me some time. I told him that if we’re going to be friends, I can’t talk to him for a while after I get back because I need to surround myself with people who care about me. At that point he got really mad and insulted that I thought he didn’t care, and I said that actions spoke louder than words, at which point he walked out on me. But he came back in two seconds later and listened to the rest of what I had to say. I asked him to just treat me like one of his friends for the rest of my time here. He said that he would treat me like one of his friends if I could just let it go and stop “bringing up this shit.” I told him that I just needed to say this stuff now, and then we could stop talking about it, and that I would move on but it wouldn’t happen overnight. It’s frustrating, because he acts like I should be doing something for him in order for him to treat me with basic courtesy, when really I feel like that’s the least he could do seeing as he’s caused me so much pain. Honestly, his friends and roommate treat me so much nicer than he does. When I hang out with him and his friends, he acts slightly less cold and detached (probably just so he won’t seem like an ass in front of them) but they are so nice to me and treat me like one of their friends.
His birthday is tomorrow (one of the reasons we scheduled the trip for this weekend, initially) and I bought him a present (a nice dress shirt) literally the day before he dumped me. I brought it with me just in case I still wanted to give it to him, but now I think I’ll just take it home with me and return it and buy myself something nice. There are times like that when I make the decision to not give him the present, or start looking forward to blocking him on Facebook and deleting his number (I’ve already blocked him on twitter), that I start feeling like I’m ok and I can move on with time. But every day I wake up feeling happy, and then I remember everything that’s happened, and how the way things are now is all my fault, and I can’t forget that. I’m trying to, though. My friends have promised me that when I get back, they’re going to shower me with chocolate and girl time and movies, etc. so I’m thankful for that. And in the meantime I’ve been studying a lot for the classes that I’m missing right now. Hopefully the next couple days will go smoothly, I leave the day after tomorrow!