- Departures
One of my favorite threads over the past decade here on SYBD was the “How, When and Where Were You Dumped?” thread. It was a long-running thread where people told their personal stories of being dumped in random locations:- like in supermarkets, planes, in cars, in bed, on the sofa, in restaurants, in car parks, in the bath tub – the list goes on and on.
TIMING:
They were left at random times too, such as, on their birthday, over the holidays such as the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s period, when pregnant, during their exams, on vacation, in the hospital, or on the oh-so-beloved Valentine’s Day.
METHODS:
They were dumped on over the phone, by text, by email, over instant messages, on Post-Its (yes even before Sex and the City ever wrote that into their story line, it was on here,…) one young girl was even dumped by her ex’s mother!
DISSED BY DISAPPEARANCE:
Some people don’t even get the courtesy of a “goodbye” the person just vanishes. That is not at all a pleasant experience and leaves the one being left with so many unanswered questions. That may be the worst way of being left. I’m not sure.
The thread was thirty-five pages long and was proof of how universally-bad people are when exiting their relationships.
Gay, straight, young, old, across this entire globe of ours – it doesn’t seem to matter – we’ve seen people getting it all oh-so-wrong.
NO GOOD WAY TO DUMP
I’ve been dumped over the phone (trans-Atlantic call), in bed, and my husband dumped me face-to-face at the front door as soon as I’d walked in from work one Sunday night (when I had a friend visiting from Australia). Priceless timing.
Personally, I’ve been on both sides of the dumping. I’ve learned there are no truly good ways to dump anyone. There are only less bad ways. Even I, who is arguably somewhat of an “expert” on this subject, haven’t always done it the “right” way (if there is such a thing). In the past, I’ve said cheerio over the phone, in emails (once right before Valentine’s Day! Oops), and in person too.
So nope, the fact is when it comes to leaving – no one I’ve met yet is an “expert” at it. There is always an element of pain in any parting. That’s why it’s so hard to say goodbye, and why so many people get it so terribly wrong.
Wrong times. Wrong places. Wrong methods.
So today’s blog post is for you - how when and where have you dumped or been dumped? Tell us your story. It’d be good if you have some examples of how you or your ex got it “right” when saying “goodbye”.
Maybe there is something that can be learned from all these so-called “wrongs”. Someday I’ll add it to my chapter on ‘Getting Goodbye Right’…
Thanks for your input!
Well my first bit of advice is to ditch the suicide thoughts / talk…Because as you say it’s not a real option. Secondly I don’t have the answers – I do wish I did. I think deep down though you KNOW what to do. The hard part is doing it.
She’s amazed you’re not begging and pleading – as I often say – the exes hate (on some deep rooted level) seeing us move on. I mean they often say they want us to but when we start to it irks their egos. So you’re instantly more attractive to her when you say “away you go and think about stuff, I’m not begging o pleading”…
Thirdly the psychiatrist sounds like a good option because there’s so much MORE on your plate than this relationship. Your health stuff, your mom’s health stuff (my dad had a stroke 2 years ago and it was the worst phone call I’ve ever had in my life….he followed that up with a broken hip…then the other hip broke…but he’s still going the coffin dodger! So yeah I empathise and hope your mom has a fighting spirit to bounce back from this!) and yes the relationship stuff too. Probably a few more worries in there…
I’m reading a good book REWIRE YOUR BRAIN. What’s interesting about it is that it 1) talks about the first few years of our lives and how we bonded with our parents (or not in some cases) and how that has an effect on us later in life…something I always heard but she explains it well and 2) the art of mindful meditation – which is something that sounds like would benefit you for not just the relationship stuff but the health challenges.
Anyway there is no “answer” to what you should or shouldn’t do. Not one anyone else but you can come up with anyway. Protect your heart. You and only you know what you can / can’t handle with regards to this girl. She sounds like she’s giving some mixed messages and frankly that tends to just prolong the pain.
I tend to lean toward “prepare for the worst and hope for the best” – assume it’s over and start moving on. Then if she comes back and says “I really want to try again I love and appreciate you” – you can CONSIDER it.
You may love and miss her like crazy and it still doesn’t mean she’s the one for you – for the long term.
We’re not long on this planet – so I’d get on with life and make the most of it while you can. Surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you and who make the effort to be with you.
Good luck. Keep me posted. OK?
Debbie – it sucks to be replaced. It brings out our worst thoughts and fears and insecurities etc…so it’s no wonder you’re struggling with this.
He’s right now – who and what he spends doing is no longer your concern. You may WANT to know (thought it just bloody hurts so ignorance is bliss) and you may feel you’re ENTITLED to know but really that’s just your perspective and my fave phrase is “perspective is a mirror not a fact”.
You can’t really expect him to change HIS perspective – when you’ll probably know how hard it is to change your own.
Having a kid complicates things as you’re tied to each other indefinitely.
I know it hurts when they act so disdainful, cold and detached etc – I have totally been there. it’s like the Tracy Chapman song goes – “Less than strangers”. But really 1) none of us can care for anyone we don’t care for 2) he may only be ACTING cold because he has a new toy to play with – he probably still does love / care for you on some level 3) regardless how he feels now – people change and it’s likely if you continue to react from a place of love not fear you guys may be able to have a friendly connection again in time.
Don’t waste time being “embarrassed”. It’s more likely people are thinking HE is the one who should be. Hold your head high. Know your worth. Behave worthy. Other people will fall in line.
You’re not a victim. You’re no less desirable now than you were when with him. This doesn’t need to be the breaking of you – it can actually be the making of you. Bring the focus back home to you. What about you and your life do you want to focus on changing? Start making plans…home stuff, work stuff, car stuff, education, things you wanted to learn…
Time for some “home improvement” and by that I mean of Self. You have no control over what he does, how he feels, what comes out of his mouth or anything…you only are responsible for how YOU do and how you interpret this situation.
Do you want to just survive or might you like to thrive? Get planning – for you and for your kid!
Ooof yes give them both a wide berth. It all sounds FISHY to me to be honest. Now he’s making the effort to make the trek!? to go out and do stuff. Bah.
Ditch the guilt. Relationships take two and so do break ups.
My best pal once asked me “was there anything you could have done / said that would have led to a different result?” (with regards to a recent break up I’d had some years back) and I paused for a moment and really thought about it and the answer for that moment in time was “NO”. I suspect the same goes for you.
He just didn’t share your level of feelings and commitment for whatever reason. And I suspect when you move on to a better long term fit you’ll look back to this current period and be GRATEFUL that it ended. It may take many months or even years but you will be. I suspect any way.
We never know until we have the benefit of hindsight.
So be glad Mr Ambivalent is history and make way for Mr Adoring instead
Good luck x
Hello Thea
yesterday she called MANY, MANY times (around 5x- 6x), in my office phone and celfone asking many things (email passwords, fun runs, schedules of things, phone numbers, etc), i talked to her in a humorous way each and every time she called and did my best so my voice sounded normal and even made her laugh. so why is she like that? am i missing something here? is she simply checking on me if im still warm to her? Didnt she just break up with me? So why is she suddenly like that? Im still hurting and almost had zero hours of sleep in a nightly basis for 2 weeks already…
help?
Yeah, I think that’s the best option to take. She tells me he’s not worth it and that he’s just not boyfriend material, yet she’s always with him and being all close and friendly etc and it really makes me uncomfortable, considering she knows that he basically lied to me and I only found that out because he meets up with her all the time now. I have tried to talk about it with her and tell her that while I’m not going to demand her to stop being such close friends with him, I don’t think I can be close to her anymore, at least for a while. She got upset, but I think I have to start thinking about what’s best for me rather than worrying about how everyone else might feel. I know maybe I might have said something silly now and then during the relationship, but so did he – the difference is that I spent days apologising for the smallest thing I said or did and making it up to him, whereas he could never admit fault for anything (I think I may have contributed to that by always accepting blame for everything, for the sake of keeping him happy).
I just can’t bear the thought of him walking around with this deluded notion of me in my head – a notion that I know, and all our friends know – to be false. It really frustrates me that he’s a 23 year old man who has been through his second long-term relationship (and is quite conservative in his outlook too in a traditional Indian way, doesn’t want a casual relationship…or so I thought) and still cannot recognise that a successful relationship involves effort, communication and compromise and solving inevitable conflict and problems rather than running away from them.
Something weird happened the other day though – I’ve blocked him off my IM etc but haven’t deleted him on FB yet (I’ve barely been on facebook but I have to get around to it). We used to have this in-joke from before we were together that my friend (the one he hangs around with all the time now) was his ‘mother’, and I was his ‘father’, and we made that our family relationship status on Facebook. After he dumped me I deleted the relationship status immediately, and he didn’t do anything about it – I mean, we had absolutely no contact with each other and I didn’t want to seem like I was okay with being friends or whatever (when he ended it, he asked if we could be friends and I didn’t say yes). Now, suddenly, he’s tried to add the relationship request again, when I’m pretty sure he knows I deleted it, and it’s pretty obvious why I did that. I know it’s a tiny thing and I shouldn’t be reading too much into it but it’s out of character for him to do that…I made it fairly clear I didn’t want to be friends and have anything to do with him. Obviously I’m ignoring the request, and like I said I have to work up the strength to just unfriend him and block him, but it’s a bit confusing. Do you think maybe he’s testing the waters to see if we can be friends (which is out of the question for me)? It’s just very uncharacteristic of him to try and persist with something …and he only did this a day or two ago. It’s been two and a half months since it ended and I’ve ignored him since, so he knows that I have no intention of associating with him…
She’s definitely good at dishing out MIXED signals here I guess. Part of her wants you and part doesn’t. It will drive her mad if/when you finally decide “enough is enough” and you move on. Mark my words. Keep trying to sleep whenever you can. There is absolutely no point punishing your body. the lack of sleep is contributing to your anguish. You need sleep to heal and to get a rest from over thinking all of this stuff!
Hello Thea
I went to the shrink a few days ago and he gave me some drugs that will make me “calmer” , so far the effects of the drugs are good and i can now finally be able ta sleep at night, though i dont want to become dependent on these drugs but times are hard so i guess ill take this for the mean time.
yesterday she txt’ed and asked me to go with her to her cousin’s houseblessing, the funny part is that she txt’ed me 3pm which is a tad too late for me and if i do get there everyone will be packing up already… i also got tempted to look into her Facebook acct and to my surprise (i believe) she’s already starting to date someone because she checked in a restaurant that we frequently go to when we’re still together, im torn if i should deactivate/ delete my FB so i wont be tempted to look at her FB acct anymore.
why is she like that? does she want reconciliation? or she simply wants to torture me even further? didnt she break up with me? im just keeping my distance, never a txt from me, never a call, no nothing, then she keeps on texting and calling me… why is she like that? is hurting me not enough for her?
She’s texting you because she misses you still. She’s trying to move on in some way but she is having a hard time moving on too. She’s not trying to hurt you. She’s finding it hard to break the habit of you.
I don’t know that she’s “dating” someone else. When I go through a break up I often go out with guys who are friends because it’s nice to have male company. So she may or may not be serious even if she’s attempting to see someone new.
Glad you got some meds and hope that you manage to get some real rest. It will help you get back on track and start to heal more in earnest.
As for FB if you’re going to be TEMPTED to keep looking at her – then deactivate. If you’re pretty strong, unsubscribe to ALL her feeds and force yourself not to go on her page – no matter what. (I think I’d deactivate her or yourself to avoid the snooping – it’s too painful).
keep on keeping on!
Speaking of FB, do you think his attempt to add me to his family status again (to perpetuate the in-joke) is something I should just brush off?
I think I’d deny his in-joke attempt. Brush it off, yes.
If he wants to be friends with you – he can 1) start acting like a man not a boy and 2) approach you with a bit of humility. It’s probably a bit too soon to be having any real contact and FB is a huge temptation. Are you guys friends on it at the moment or not Sav? I think when it comes to FB “ignorance is bliss”…x
i see… so she really has no plans of coming back but just having “aftershocks” of our relationship…
i see… that makes sense…
i deactivated my FB already, that way i wont be able to see her FB anymore unless i log into it.
whew… moving on is tough…
should i hope for a reconciliation? or too much time has passed already to hope for one?
Yeah, I was always going to deny it. I was wondering why he might have done it though? I mean, I have no intention of becoming friends with him again – for me, being friends implies that I accept the guilt he placed on me for the relationship ending, and the only way I will talk to him again is if/when he can accept that he emotionally abused me for two and a half months, lied to me, insulted me and ignored me, and then got angry at me for getting upset and making me feel guilty. But when I have quite clearly ignored him for the past two months, why would he try and add me to the family status again? Like I mentioned before, it’s unlike him to try and persist with something like that, whether it be trivial or important…he’s more the kind of person who’ll just decide ‘oh well that was before, let’s just forget about it now’ without a backward glance, so it was very odd.
I am still FB friends with him, but I’ve blocked his activity etc, and asked my friends to block me from seeing his activity on their walls, because I know whatever he writes will hurt me – I was already shattered when I found he was going to the movies with my friend, and going to her drama production and another friend’s 21st and so on, so I’ve developed the strength to not look at his wall, or look at anything on Facebook that involves him. I need to work up the courage to delete him off it entirely though.
Do you know what? I doubt she’s so calculating as all this. I suspect she has NO PLANS about anything…one way or the other. She probably doesn’t know how she feels as break ups are confusing for both parties. It’s a period of adjustment for her too. From daily contact to sporadic at best…
Glad you deactivated FB – that’s a start, for now. On down the road you’ll likely be able to be her “friend” but not now.
I tend not to HOPE for getting back together but surrendering to whatever happens. In other words as I think I said previously – assume it’s over and move on. You may or may not get back together but either way you’ll be fine. It’s not a case of “too much time has passed”. I’ve heard of people getting back together at 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years, and even fifty (!) so who the devil really knows with this sort of thing.
Just stop looking to future and be present in the moment. The future is overwhelming, scary, sad, etc – when you’re in the early weeks/months after a split.
I remember with my last ex, I had this thought of “I can’t believe I’ll never be with or have sex with him again” and it was the worst thought in the world but now it’s all distant memory…and the thought shifts to “Oh great, I get to meet someone new, and connect and be intimate with them.”
It’s less a case of looking backwards and it becomes more a case of looking forwards. That adage of people staring at the closed door who miss the open window.
No one knows whether you two will end up in a relationship again or if it will even last. No one knows that about anything – we only sometimes think we do. I’ve been in a relationship that I thought would never end (until death!) and it did.
So just focus on the ONE TASK you’re responsible for – your own healing.
Get as healthy as you can. Feel good about yourself. Feel balanced. Feel worthy. Feel like a thoroughbred. Accept nothing less than love and respect from yourself and others.
>> being friends implies that I accept the guilt he placed on me for the relationship ending,
Well you could certainly choose to view it that way. I totally (respectfully) disagree.
Ages ago I wrote a blog on here Ego Vs Love – What would Love do? Where I spoke of things like that. I used to believe how you do – that accepting / forgiving etc – meant condoning. But I no longer have a perspective like that any more. It’s wildly changed in 12 years of running this site and just plain getting older. I see things much less “right” or “wrong” or “black” or “white”.
I see how the EGO makes us behave in certain ways (him and you in this case). We’re all just flawed doing the best we can with the skills and tools we’ve been given or acquired and as we grow and learn we begin to do better. It’s all we can hope for.
I choose to think you did the best you could in the relationship. I believe he did too.
I don’t say to deny him the in joke out of any failing on his part as such. I say to deny any attempts to be friends JUST NOW because it will likely HURT you to see what he’s doing and his “check ins” at places via status updates…namely any information could be / will be hurtful. There will be a time when it WON’T hurt but now it’s just too soon.
Ok I just reread you haven’t deactivated him…but it’s good you blocked the activity. Wise move. Thank goodness there are different ways you can group your own news. Somethings you may want to keep more private and others the world could see (well if you’re like me). The less he knows the better…on the other hand there may be things you’re doing you’d kinda like to get back to him to signal you’re MOVING ON! (That bugs em to think about!) Hurts that ego of theirs…but I don’t say do it to play games. I say do it when you mean it. When you really are out there having fun. Don’t necessarily FAKE it. Make it real!
You will delete if / when you’re really ready to.
I am thankful to say I am not “friends” with any of my exes on FB – even if I am in real life on some sort of good terms with them. Means nothing in that respect hurts me – unless they mention something in an email of course! LOL.
But I did get to the point after time elapsed that I am friendly enough with most of them and that feels good. Good endings with people make good beginnings.
You’re doing good!
thanks thea…
the night times are the hardest when all the memories are gushing in, both good and bad…
ill move on from this and will just try my best to live my life to the fullest…
the only mistake i did was that i loved her too much, never in my wildest dreams did i think that she’d dump me like that as if i was garbage…
oh well…
You’re absolutely right. Night times are the worst. That early period when this person is always the last thing you think about at night and the first in the AM is my least fave period too. Thankfully it passes!
But as for being dumped like a piece of garbage this is just the way YOU are interpreting. It says more about you than it does HER…I don’t think she, for one second, feels like you’re a piece of garbage (she’s still contacting you). So you are actually torturing yourself with a thought like that – one that is actually untrue!
So I’d work on questioning your thinking when things like that come up. I’ve probably recommended Byron Katie to you? She has changed my thoughts more than any other person in history I think. I still get the thoughts like that (painful ones about my own self worth) and now I recognise them for what they are JUST THOUGHTS. Not always true. So I am able to question them now.
So for instance – take that thought “She threw me away like a piece of old garbage”.
Is that really true?
Can you know for definite that it’s true?
Can you find evidence where, since the break up, she’s actually treated you like someone she cares about? Maybe list 3 things she’s done.
What I find is that any time I make a statement like that I can always investigate my thoughts and find that the opposite is also true. I once asked an ex what the absolute worst thing he could say about me was and he said “you can be controlling”. Well you know what he’s right. There are times when I can (who can’t?)….but I said “can you find three examples where I’ve been easy going and totally NOT controlling” and of course that was possible too.
So whatever your EX says about you is 100% right – and so is the opposite! And in a mind warping fashion – everything she says about YOU she is saying about herself because we’re all just mirrors of each other!
Of course you may not fully grasp that yet…but I suspect in time you’ll see that. As I get older it becomes more interesting. I no longer make any judgements about my ex/es because I now realise that I am speaking of myself when labeling him and that anything I come up with – the opposite is also true.
Pretty mindblowing stuff.
Why not just assume your ex CARES about you and LOVES you on some level – but for now doesn’t feel a relationship is right for her for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or not fabulous – it just means it’s not right for her right now.
So use the time wisely to work yourself. It’s all any of us can do (as I keep saying)
Hello Thea
thanks for the advise, yes u are correct, the “garbage” things is simply my mind playing tricks on me.
Lately she has been very talkative to me, calling and emailing me all day yesterday. Last night she called me *again* , she told me that she misses me, she asked me if i still love her, i paused for a moment and honestly said that i still do, i asked her the same question and she also said that she still loves me too. She asked me if i will still be loyal to her even if we are NOT committed/ in a relationship, i told her that i cannot be loyal to someone that i am not committed to, that loyalty has a corresponding commitment. I also am about to change employer in a few weeks time and she said that i may find someone there that i may get “intimate” with , i jokingly said that only she can have my “mojo”, when the conversation was slowly getting “steamy” she hanged up… I guess she’s not comfortable talking about such things with someone that is not her boyfriend (anymore).
She told me that she’ll be going in a vacation and i told her that i would like to go with her (am i dumb for suggesting this?) and she said that she’ll think about it.
im doing my best to move on and not communicating with her anymore but she keeps on calling, txting, and emailing. I
im confused…
What should i do?
we’re going to see each other tonight because she’s going to have her last shot of vaccine, im scared and ill see her again after 2 weeks and i dont know how i will feel like. i also have her all medical records that i will hand to her so in the future she’ll be able to use these as a reference.
i dont know what will happen tonight but ill do my best not to talk about our previous-relationship. at least i did my duties to the very last and was a responsible partner.
maybe after this i can finally vanish completely from her life and heal. i know that there are many men swooning over her so im sure that she’ll find someone sooner or later.
Well what ended up happening thing? Did it help or hinder your healing process? Either way you will be fine.
Be strong as you can in any event!
im confused… terribly confused…
she still keeps on saying that she loves me, she keeps on “touching” me and asks to be kissed , etc, etc but doesnt want to commit… she asks me if i still love her and i say yes i do but why cant 2 single people that are in love be in a relationship? something’s wrong? am i temporary? is she trying to dump the moment she sees someone “better” ?
im confused and getting hurt more…
also, im trying the no contact rule, but she’s the one who keeps on txting and calling and emailing, and i cant control myself from replying because deep inside i still … love her…
am i being played on?
It feels like you’re being USED as an ego boost to me but I am not sure. I don’t know her or you.
I came across my colleague’s recent blog and thought I’d share it with you. He’s writing it about his sister but really the reasons he gives are pretty universal.
Stop taking the calls. Stop massaging her ego by telling her how much you love and miss her. Give her a chance to actually miss you by not being there every time she calls for those assurances.
I know she likes you and no doubt misses you but you’re not getting a chance to heal and move on like this. For whatever reason she doesn’t want to be with your NOW. That’s all we know. So stop accepting the crumbs she’s giving you. Please.
i see… if i get the chance to talk to her a serious matter then ill bring this up and ask her if what her plans are.
i cant do this forever…
now that she got my attention again she’s ignoring me again and i believe that she really has no plans of reconciling with me in the 1st place, she’s just keeping me for the mean time that there’s no other guy yet and the moment she gets one she’ll throw me to the garbage can for good…
she’s the most evil and cruel woman that i have ever known, she keeps on manipulating me,
Luckily he barely uses facebook these days, and even if he does, most of his activity is blocked off to everyone. No one sees his photos, or his friends, or any of his information (including me, even when we were together – a lot of the time he was always very secretive and vague about his life). He doesn’t post status updates or check ins, but like you said, I’ve purposely made my information accessible so he can see what I’m up to.
One of my friends actually saw him a week or two ago and in an attempt to get him to open up, asked “so how have you been since…everything?” and apparently his reply was very short – just an “okay”. My friend told him that I’ve been feeling really up and down lately, and apparently he was just very quiet and didn’t really say anything. I wonder if he feels any kind of guilt or remorse at all! The night he dumped me, he even told my friend that I was too much effort (ironic, considering that he barely even talked to me properly for almost two months), and that he “couldn’t be bothered” in the relationship anymore…when she told him that surely I had a right to expect to be able to see my own boyfriend, he just told her that he wanted ME to calm down before he saw me…but he didn’t bother letting me know that, and when she pointed that out to him, he just shrugged and left. Again, it’s ironic that I told him repeatedly after I sent the email that I was calm and would like to meet in person to talk and sort everything out properly. How can someone just feel NOTHING after this? It’s like he feels no guilt, no remorse, no sadness…like I was never worthy or good enough for him to care about in the first place. Surely telling him that I can understand if he is busy but I miss him and would like to know when he’d be free to meet up as it’s been over three weeks since we saw each other is not overly demanding? I feel like I was the most selfish, demanding girlfriend on the planet! Maybe if I become more friendly with him, he’ll see how badly he misjudged me?
Hello Thea
We talked last night and i guess it’s not possible to reconcile anymore. The day started great, we were laughing, hugging, holding hands, etc, then when night came i talked to her. I said that i wanted us to be a couple again and i believe that she already had an ample amt of time to think things over. She said that she still wanted to be alone and if i cant wait for her then it’s my problem and it’s my loss (ouch). She enumerated my mistakes and shortcomings, like daggers being stabbed through my chest one by one, the most painful part is that she doubts that she’d be happy with me in the future and id give her nothing but trouble and problems, she also is worried that ill die early because of my illness. She said that we have contrasting personalities, and i am hot headed and sensitive, but what is funny that it’s always her that triggers those reactions, and she’s super critical of what i do and maintains a list of ALL the bad things and mistakes that I have done to her and her family.
Based on that she said she’s more worried about spending her life with me than losing me all throughout… She said she loves me but she’s afraid of me.
I just said that ill respect her decision and i have no plans of giving her a miserable and troublesome life.
I guess, it’s time to move one, at least i tried one final time to win her back but it’s all over now…
she painted me as someone who is hot-headed, hard-headed, evil, sensitive person that will give her nothing but misery and trouble in the future, who who’d ever want to spend a lifetime with such person?! of course no one would! but it’s totally untrue! ive never hit anyone in my life, never killed, never held a gun, etc, etc, all she sees are my mistakes and she keeps a list of my offenses…
also, she’s miss congeniality, she has a steady stream of suitors (both former flames and newer ones) , the reason that she’s that confident of losing me is that she will certainly find someone soon that will fit her standards well.
why did i meet such a person in the 1st place?
anyway, off to sorrowland…
Well come back from Sorrowland. You’re no worse off than you were two days ago or two weeks ago. Only the mind TRICKS you into thinking otherwise.
What you had was FALSE HOPE with her and that’s only because you’re emotionally attached to her. It will take awhile to DETACH from her but it will happen. And when you do, you’ll heal, be happy and likely bring in some woman who doesn’t trigger that fiery side of you. Someone who will love you, illness and all.
The thing is – I’d actually list all the things she said about you and see if you can find them in yourself. She’s probably right. They’re ALL there but you know what I believe you can find evidence of the opposite of each one is also true.
So she may say “you’ve got a bad temper” – and frankly most of us can have that at times. There will also be sometimes we’re cool as cucumbers. I bet you can find evidence to support that too. When you’ve been downright zenlike?
You are sensitive, but I be you can find examples in your life where you’ve been not sensitive and hyper sensitive. I mean it’s all the same string just different points on that same piece.
Evaluate what she’s said and ask yourself if any of it is actually TRUE and worth working on.
Let her be the WONDERFUL TEACHER for you, and take all that pain you’re experiencing and channel it into being a wonderful, loving, positive, even-tempered young man.
This has not been a wasted experience. You just can’t see that yet because you’re too RAW. But this woman could help you toward being the most amazing guy for the next gal! You may one day want to say “thank you” for all she’s done.
Truly. Stranger things have happened.
You don’t really want to be with a woman who doesn’t LOVE you, RESPECT you and who is CRITICAL of you anyway. You want to appreciated and to be around someone who is positive and builds you up not tears you down.
You just settled for something less than that, but you won’t again.
Just keep affirming your gratitude to all experiences – even the painful ones because they are the ones that help us grow and learn the most!
You take care…don’t spent too long in sorrowville. Connect with friends. Are there any support groups in your country for the illness…maybe you can meet up with other people who have it – who will understand you/it?
You’re still wonderful! & don’t you forget that ok? x
Hello Thea
Thank you for the kind words, maybe you’re wondering what illness i have and i have HEPB… Here in asia, it is hyperendemic and the govt estimates that 1/8 people here has it… I just happened to be born with it and back in the 80′s there were no tests abt it and it was a relatively unknown disease… I have been relatively healthy but with this disease my estimated life expectancy is only around 50 +/- 5 if you have it since birth… and that is the hard truth… adn the treatment is also expensive, so that is another burden… and instead of understanding my disease she uses it to emotionally blackmail me and make me feel like im trash…
anyway, ill keep your words into mind, ill heal and move on and will try to live my life to the fullest.
you take care too ok?
thanks
(THea;s mind NOT YOU AGAIN?!)
Hello thea
i am confused again, after our talk last weekend i went full NC and ignored all her calls and txts last Sunday, it was painful… but i was already determined (or i thuoght so). then came Monday and she bombarded me txts and calls, asking things like
“dont you want to meet me anymore?”
“dont you like me anymore”
“are there pretty girls in your new company? dnt entertain them”
“you will now be working in a new shift, hold your mojo ok?”
things like that!!!!
then she started txting “our” intimate moments, on how she misses them, with DETAILS! at 1st i wasnt reacting and replying but with the bombardment of calls and txt i finally replied. now i feel stupid again…
WHY IS SHE LIKE THAT?!?! DIDNT SHE JUST BREAK UP WITH ME?! WHAT KIND OF PERSONALITY DOES SHE HAVE??
it’s as if she doesnt want me but if she senses that im finally moving one she then pulls me in again! what does she really want?!?!
Well you can see the NC is working to some extent. It drives her NUTS when you don’t reply because you’re an EGO boost for her. It makes her feel GOOD about herself to know you’re still there pining for her like a little lapdog…And when you don’t reply she barrages you with texts. Is that really the type of woman you want? Someone who plays with your feelings like that?
You KNOW how she feels – she’s criticized you again and again – and yet as a total 180 degree mixed message she can’t bear the thought of you actually moving on to someone else. To not have you hanging there in the wings, just wishing / hoping / waiting like that.
Who doesn’t want to feel ADORED. She’s human. Just like you and me. The trouble is – it’s PREVENTING you from moving on! That’s unfair. That whole “I don’t want you but I don’t anyone else to have you either.”
Stop worrying about what sort of personality she does or doesn’t have. It doesn’t matter. Her personality is her business. Yours is yours. The only thing you can do is focus on your own life, personality, hopes, desires, etc. Nothing to do with her.
You’re the key to your own happiness. When you’re done with her cat & mouse game you’ll stop it. Until then you’ll keep being toyed with.
I know it’s hard to cut her off. I’d simply say “Look I love and care for you but I can’t do this anymore. If you don’t want to date anymore that’s fine but in order to heal and move on – I need to end contact. It’s not that I don’t care about you, it’s that I care too much. I wish you well but please do not contact me, unless you change your mind and want to discuss getting back together. Otherwise I’ll contact you again when I can handle it”.
Use your own words. I just throw that sort of sentiment out there. If she really cares about you she won’t want you to be suffering – which you are.
Let this one go. There will be a better more amazing adoring girl out there for you. Trust me.
Hi thea
I need help. It’s my marriage. I am 30+, married to him for last 8 years, before that- 7 years of relationship and 4 years of friendship prior to the relationship. I haven’t just loved him, I have worshipped him. We have a daughter who’s 6. A smart and bright kid who knows much more than a child of her age should know. Please excuse me for my language if anything’s wrong. I am not in my senses.
I am an Indian and have unlimited social responsibilities. To begin with our marriage, we never had sex before our marriage. Due to this, my husband arranged for our marriage pretty early. My parents were completely against our relationship due to a major caste difference. I decided to go against them as I was not loved at my home also. I was an unwanted female. My so called educated parents wept when I was born. I have painful memories of my mother beating me badly with her footwear on my head. I almost lost my vision. Still, I can hardly see anything without specs. There’s a lot more that happened. In short, my childhood and adolescence have been full of pain. I found some protection from my classmate in Class 8 from the other teasing students of the class. I could hardly mix up with other children as I was not as they were.
I had my own problems to think about. This feeling of protection made him the hero of my life. We became good friends. He was the most desirable person in school and I was the most unwanted one. Gradually, we started loving each other. He had girlfriends before me.
For me, he was the first and the last person in ther world for me. I started praying for him everyday. He was also a clear hearted and loving person, always willing to help anyone. His sister was a smart lady who tortured me emotionally and I took everything as I did not want to lose him. His sister meant God to him in those days before he discovered her several relationships and abortions. He was under shock when i helped him come out of it. I never said a word against his sis as I never wanted disharmony in my family. Yes, honestly, I was a person who would bear pains to maintain peace. I had that patience in those days. A lot happened. I had faith in my guy and his Mom. I was always thinking that my mum always hated me, (she had beaten me so much) so God has blessed me with a Mother-in-law who loves me so much. I was ready to wear what she wanted. I was a teacher when my guy asked me to resign as he did not like it. I resigned. He forced me to marry asap as I was not ready to have sex before marriage. I also agreed to that.
My parents accepted our marriage for social cause, for their image in the neighbourhood. My husband’s family was financially better than my family (my family also was not poor or financially weak. I suffered because I was unwanted). There wasn’t any celebrations. My family did not reveal the caste differences to anyone. They just declared my wedding in my absence and invited us for dinner for a social glimpse. All went well for them.
My mother committed dowry to my mother in law on her own, which was never given. This was the seed sown by my mom. Moreover, my mom in law was not what I was thinking her to be. She was pretending. I was beaten by her as well as by my sister in law. My husband saved me. He took me to a separate house. He had a god father who also duped him by taking over all his money and the shops my hubby had, to marry his (God father’s) daughter. Those days were bad. During those days, our kid was born, giving us a reason to live. We would have committed suicide for sure, if she wasn’t there. We moved on. I started with a job, my hubby as well. My parents and in laws kept interrupting. Still, we made it worth living when my mother in law dragged us into her business. My parents pushed us. I don’t know what people want. It’s endless.
I cannot write so much and you cannot read so much. This was just a glimpse or as they say ‘a trailor of the movie’. You can imagine what we went through. Now, I went into depression because of all this and my hubby does not understand that. He has helped me and I have helped him when he needed it. Also, I obeyed all that he said. But all those years, have now bewcome a cause of pain. Every time when something wrong was going on, I informed my hubby about it. He never listened to me and I had to face a lot. I was beaten, I was in purdah (my face covered), I was on floor saying sorry for something I never did. My husband was also a part of such incidents.
Now, I am unable to forget that. Also, my hubby is with my in laws, working for his business and I am staying alone with my daughter. He visits us almost every ten days. But, when he is with us, he’s always busy with people over there (over the phone). When I call him, he hardly has time to talk. Even when, he’s free, he takes them out for shopping, shares drinks with my sister in law and I am the most ignored person. He tells me everything he does. All of these people have insulted me. I feel raped. My hubby tells me that I irritate him. I should not call him. I cannot go to stay with him as my daughter has already suffered on her eduction. Also, she has seen my mother in law beating me which she talks about often. I cannot take her back.
My hubby promises me that everything will be fine and whatever he’s doing is for us. I gave away all my jewellery to him. I am not in a condition to work, mentally. I don’t know what to do. Today, he asked me not to call him. He blamed me for being the cause of my depression. And he said that I don’t mean anything to him at all. He has dumped me. He’s been doing this for last number of days but I never took it seriously. Today, I realised that he’s no longer there. I am unable to help myself to survive. I have to take care of my child. I cannot die. But, I am unable to live. She can sense everything. I even tried not calling him whenever he said but I love him and care for him.
I never knew that he does not love me as he’s least bothered about my illness, my pains. This situation is killing me. I love him and cannot live without him. He says, he would debit money into my account and I should not call him. Trust me, I gave up my career and everything for him. I did what he wanted, whatever he asked me to. Now, he does not want me. I cannot live without him. I cannot express the pain I have. I do not even have friends to share with. I dedicated my life to him. Now, I am all alone. I cannot share all this with my daughter. Please help me…I do not want to end my marriage. In India, it’s a greater challenge. Please suggest me asasp…………..Thanks, Smriti
Hello I read this but don’t have the time to formulate a proper response this evening. Your story is long and involved and will take some consideration. Take this weekend and think about your life, yourself, and how it could be better. What areas can you improve regardless of your marriage. Health, fitness, educational levels (learn new things),…Do you meditate? If not, then now would be a good time to practice it. Go within. Will read more as soon as possible and come back once I have something to say. I just wanted you to know that I heard you. I’m listening. You will be ok. xx
Hi there Smriti I apologise for not getting back to you sooner.
I don’t have the answers to fix your problems or anyone else’s…but I did want you to know that I read the post and I send you some thoughts and prayers. I really hope you manage to find an inner strength in you that you didn’t even know existed.
The thing is you’re clearly a SURVIVOR you’ve been through much abuse in this world so that accounts for something. You’re still here. You know?
The depression IS partly down to your previous experiences and how you’ve internalised them (like there is no worth in you). But there is worth in you and in all of us.
You CAN live without him and it sounds like you may be getting that opportunity to try.
If you’re not able to work then focus on some spiritual pursuits of building up your own self-worth (and not let people treat you like a doormat). Read some positive books (many can be read online) or sites that deal with inner healing, strength, growth, etc.
Watch ALL of the LIFECLASSES here. http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/webcast-landing.html
starting with the one about stopping PAIN
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Full-Episode-Oprahs-Lifeclass-the-Tour-with-Iyanla-Vanzant
Do what you can to get out of this VICTIM way of thinking and make the shift to SURVIVOR.
I mean ask yourself – “am I the kind of woman someone would want to be around?” – Do you lift people up or bring them down? If you met you, would you like you? What areas of your life can you control? Because you can’t control or be responsible for anyone else’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings etc – you’re only responsible for your own.
If you don’t like yourself – you can’t expect anyone else to.
I struggle with this too. I sometimes, myself, have a LOVE/HATE relationship with myself. Some of those times I am cruel to myself are triggered by current events trigger past hurts. It’s probably the same for you.
You are the only one you can rely on now. ONLY YOU. You can’t make your daughter, or family or friends make you feel better, you need to find the way to do that somehow yourself. Find that inside of you. It’s there.
I am sending you some positive, healing, zen-like vibes from across the miles.
Have a beautiful day ok?
Thanks a tonne thea… I think I will try to make it better for myself. Talking to you made me feel better. I felt that I have someone to talk to. Thanks for being there. Thanks for everything…. I will work on it and will get back to you.
it’s very difficult. I can’t live without him. I love him (these words are too less to express my feelings).
Hello I am sorry you’re struggling but really it keeps coming back to someone else not being your source for your happiness or health. You tried that and look where it got you.
You are starting from scratch. From rock bottom. You need to build it up one hour at a time. Your confidence, your proactivity, your health, your well being. It’s all down to YOU and not him. He is not your strength. That is inside you.
Really do try to watch the shows I recommended. Watch as many as you can. They’re very enriching ok.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Full-Episode-Oprahs-Lifeclass-the-Tour-with-Iyanla-Vanzant
You can live without him. You ARE doing it. So each time you say “I can’t live without him” say “I can handle it”. Keep affirming you can handle it. Because you can and are. And imagine what it would look like to be a woman who DOES handle it. One who is an inspiration to those around her (the child?).
What would you look like if you were over it? Can you picture that strong woman? That woman who radiates love and confidence? that woman who attracts people to her – because she emanates such great energy?
You have this STORY you’re married to. The abuses you’ve had. The pain you’ve endured. You’re constantly telling the story to anyone who will listen and that makes your past your present. Release the story with gratitude because all your experiences – good and bad make you who you are today. And you’re alright. You’re good even. But they’re all in the past.
You’re abusing yourself with the thoughts and the story so put the story away and stand in the present ok?
Take care,
Thea
Thanks for the reply. I saw Oprah’s show and it helped. My apologies for a delayed response. I cannot be online often. But yes, I am trying hard. I am also working on the “Feel, Deal and Heal Theory”. I think it will take some time. May be because whenever I feel strong, he calls me for some reason. I again get carried away. Then again he starts behaving the same way and I have to start all over again. May be one day, I will achieve it.
Thanks fo being there. I do not feel so lonely now. At least I have someone to share with. Rather, thanking you isn’t possible. Your help is beyond those limits.
Hi thea
My apologies for writing to you again and again. I really need an advice. Now, I was trying to be without him. And I was somewhat happy, when he came for two days. He took me back to the stage I came from. Again, I am back into same mental situation. I need to live for my daughter. And he is using me. I cannot think of getting separated as in Indian society, it’s still difficult. And, my daughter loves him. She wants both of us. She said so. And he puts all the blames on me. He expexts me to be a puppet. I tried being a puppet thinking that he would be reasonable. But he can never be reasonable. All my efforts have become worthless. I don’t know how to manage this. Please help me asap,. I am broken.